#so look forward to Spencer Reid fics with her so I dont have to refer to a character as y/n

[walkawayrenee]

So the crux of this blog is that I'm obsessed with Spencer Reid but I dont really vibe with y/n or x reader fics nor do I ship him with anyone on the show so I created an original character with whom I can write all my little one shots. While there are self insert characteristics (she's quebecois because no one ever is on TV) I also tried to just imagine someone I'd like to see Reid fall in love with and an everywoman that you can still project onto.

Meet Renee Bernard (Doctor B, Benny, RnB ect.)

Renee, 25 years old, just finished her doctorate in criminal psychology and her impressive thesis landed her an interview with the FBI and thank her lucky stars, got the job.

She packed up her life and moved to Virginia to start her new life. She finally feels like a real adult, that is to say, she's all alone and realized adulthood is a fake it til you make it game. She's sharp, a little much, middle child (clearly), and knows way too much about music and cinema. She isn't ready for all the challenges that working at the BAU presents, but no one ever is, all she can hope for is that she doesn't crack under the pressure

[afoolnottoloveu]

maybe i’m imagining things ♡

Summary: You don’t really feel like you belong at the BAU just yet (WC: 2.1k) {Masterlist <3}

Pairing: Spencer Reid x gender neutral!Reader

TW: smoking, mentions of death, swearing, mentions of alcohol

A/N: i dont smoke so theres highkey gonna b smth wrong with the description,,, but it just felt right okay, also it was a song reference as well >:(( also, this is for lucy’s fic contest! congrats on 3000 sweetheart <3

Song Pairing: Why Am I Like This? - Orla Gartland

--

You could remember the feeling, how it started that night at the bar. Despite the conversations of your new team swirling around you, you felt like a stranger. You didn’t think much of it at first, you just thought you were imagining things. You’ll grow into it, you told yourself. 

After exactly a year at the BAU, you still couldn’t decisively say you were part of the family. As cases came and went, you felt the same. An outsider. A guest living with a family. You couldn’t blame them, really. As you should, right? They weren’t like this with any of the other newbies; it was you who intruded.

The last case felt no different. It was a family annihilator, and all you could think about were the victims. Unbeknownst to the team, except Aaron, you knew almost exactly what the family of the victims were going through. Your feelings were taking a toll on you, and everything from the jet ride to heading back to the office was a complete daze. Your mind was somewhere far off in the distance, only snapped back by the soft touch of JJ placing her hand on your shoulder before you could walk through the glass doors.

“Are you coming tonight?” She asked as if you already knew of what was happening tonight.

“Uh, w-what’s tonight?”

“We’re going to-”

“O’keefe’s!” Penelope squealed, running out of her batcave with the clicks of heels following.

“Oh, um-” you hesitated, but you remembered how badly you wanted to be a part of their family, and a drink didn’t sound too bad at the moment, “yeah! Yeah, I’ll just meet you guys there alright? M’gonna just grab some stuff.”

“We’ll see you down there!” Penelope bubbled, before sweeping everyone else into the elevator. You gave a small smile and wave, catching Spencer’s gaze  just as the doors shut. Maybe you had learned to hide it well after all these years, but for profilers, they really had no idea what was going on inside your head.

You couldn’t help but glance up at Aaron’s office through the glass doors. Everyday you debated if the BAU was really for you, every day for a year, now. Not knowing if this was a mistake or not, you slipped through the bullpen and made a beeline for his office. Relatively quickly, you found the papers you were looking for after a quick search through his cabinets. You didn’t want to have the conversation with Aaron, but he was the only person on this floor with them. You shoved them in your purse, just in case. In case of what? You didn’t know either.

- 

You tried to enjoy yourself, you really did, but your head was just filled to the brim with thoughts you couldn’t bear. The fuzzy, stuffy feeling of the bar would usually help you blend right in, but right now it made you sick. You excused yourself from the table, not like you were part of any of the conversations that were happening anyways, and stepped out.

Through your work blouse and slacks, the October wind nipped at your skin. You opened your purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Your habit started young, smoking being one of the only things that could effectively calm you. Your dad was a smoker, but he really tried his best to stop. He wouldn’t be proud of you for following in his footsteps, but so be it.

Placing the cigarette between your lips and lifting your lighter to the end, you failed to notice someone approaching from behind you.

“6 minutes.” 

Startled, you fumbled and dropped your cigarette from your lips and it hit the concrete, causing you to loudly mutter a curse. You whipped around to cuss out whoever made you drop it, but you’re met with the same eyes you saw before the elevator closed.

“Jesus Christ, Spencer. I just lit that!” His expression doesn’t change, so you rummage through your purse pulling out the box of cigarettes once again. ��And I know what that means, 6 minutes off my life for every cigarette I light.” Faced towards the street, you tried to light it, but failed. As the wind kept blowing out the tiny flame, you kept trying. “To be frank, 6 minutes isn’t a whole lot of time in the grand scheme of things. It’s like, one less shower. I could live with that I think.”

Still not hearing a reaction from him, you turn his way, naturally. He seems to be finding your purse very interesting, and for a moment you think, is pretty boy gonna rob me?, but you finally realize he can see the bold print title and FBI logo on the papers that you grabbed sticking out from your purse.

“Why?” is all he asked, his voice dripping in devastation. You look up to meet his eyes and there’s a gloss over them that you know too well. “Why would you wanna transfer? The BAU is-”

“-the crown jewel of the FBI. I’ve heard it.” You take the cigarette out of your mouth to reply. Unable to meet his eyes anymore,  you fixed your eyes on the street once again, but you minded your voice, careful to not let it crack nor reveal too much, “I can’t explain it, Spencer.”

“I think you can, but you don’t want to.” The hurt in his voice was still evident and you had to wonder, why was it there in the first place? He doesn’t really care, his family’s inside the bar.

You brought the joint back to your lips and tried to light it one last time, and you successfully did so, inhaling the smoke and letting it encase your lungs like a blanket. “It’s just-” A long pause lingers in the air before you come to your senses, removing the cigarette from your lips. Blowing out a cloud, the wind carried the gray smoke down the sidewalk, with your eyes trailing. “You know what? No, nevermind. It’s nothing, Spence. I might not even transfer.”

“You wouldn’t grab the papers unless you were seriously considering it, Y/N,” he huffed, intent on finding out the real reason, “Come on, you were gonna have to tell us at some point. Why not start small? Why are you leaving us?” You were getting frustrated from the simple fact that he was right, and suddenly you were very sick of the cigarette you were holding. 

“Fine Spencer, if you wanna know so goddamn bad then I’ll just tell you! I just- the BAU isn’t for me! And it’s not the job, it’s- it’s you! It’s all of you! I can’t be in the same room with all of you for anything other than a debriefing without feeling like I don’t fucking belong! You guys are a family, and I still feel like it’s my day one. If you guys can do this job so well without me, then why shouldn’t- why should I even be here?” You didn’t know when the tear slipped, but they just kept coming, and you were over this cigarette, throwing it to the ground and stomping on it a little too hard.

There was a silence. A cold, heavy silence, filled with nothing more than the gentle breeze, a couple cars passing in the distance and leaves falling. You suppressed your sobs as much as you could and wiped your face repeatedly. 

Oh god, you thought, did I really just say that? Fuck, fuck, shit, why am I like this-

“If I asked you to stay,” His voice was soft- you knew your response wasn’t the one he was expecting. All you could do was glance at him, not knowing where he was going with this. “Would you?”

“What’re you talking about?” The words were a whisper, you wouldn’t be surprised if he thought it was just the wind. You genuinely didn’t understand what he meant, but in your head, you had already answered his question.

“Y/N, I--I just wanna talk, okay? Can you listen? Is that alright?” His voice was comforting, and with the way you were feeling, it was music to your ears. It reminded you of the way he spoke to children, but you were just too damn exhausted to call him out on it; so you nodded, but you kept your eyes on the street in front of you, watching a taxi pass by.

“You know, when I first asked you ‘why?’ a few minutes ago, when I was saying that the BAU was the crown jewel of the FBI? Well, that wasn’t what I was going to say at all. I was gonna say that the BAU is where you belong, Y/N. We don’t only want you to stay, we need you to stay. You were the one who talked down that unsub today. You can defend yourself better than almost any of us. You treat us like family, with the coffee every Wednesday and checking on all of us regularly. We notice these things, Y/N. Do you? Because it’s almost like it’s second nature to you.”

You had to take several deep breaths before you could gather yourself enough to respond; you closed your eyes as you spoke. “Do you know why I so badly want to be so close to all of you? My- my parents were both killed by- by a sociopath. I was 15. I started smoking then. My aunt took me in and I lived with my cousins. They were closer to each other than to me, though. I- I don’t know, I had a family, I guess. I mean, my aunt and her two daughters were my family, but- I don’t know, I’m not making sense.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t know that at all, I thought they were your sisters. I get it. Well, I don’t, but I know what you’re trying to say. You didn’t have one as a teenager, but you have one now. Everyone inside of that bar thinks of you as their family. I know you don’t see it, but I can assure you that they do.”

You forgot your eyes were closed. They opened to the touch of Spencer’s hand on your arm, and there he was, standing in front of you. You wanted to cry more, but the sight of Spencer in front of you made you smile and your heart swell. You knew every word that left his mouth was genuine, full of love and understanding. You rushed forward and hugged him, burying your face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and cradled your head. It was almost funny, you were sure this was the most you had touched the germaphobe like, ever.

Into his sweater you sniffled and mumbled, “What about you Spencer?”

He pulled away from the hug, both of you still clinging to the other, but enough to have to look in each other’s eyes. He tilted his head as if he were asking what you meant.

“Do you- are we family?”

His only response was an airy chuckle and a swift, soft peck to your forehead. Huh, that’s new. You weren’t saying you didn’t like it though, no, not at all. He pulled you back into the hug and said into your hair “We don’t have to talk about that right now. But honestly? I think of you as something else, Y/N/N.”

And that was okay. The warmth of his breath on your hair and his sweater wrapping you neatly like a gift, it was more than okay.

-

Spencer led you back into the bar after you had fixed your makeup. Luckily, the wind actually helped to dry your tears pretty quickly. The team was gathered around the table, blocking something from your sight. As the two of you approached, you heard Penelope say “Oh, oh oh! They’re here! Y/N’s here!”

The rest of the team turns to you and in front of you, JJ is holding out a red velvet cupcake with a candle in it. “Happy one year!” The team cheered as a chorus. Your eyes widened and your face lit up. Your shock rendered you almost speechless.

“How’d you remember? Oh my gosh, you guys!” you smiled. With everyone egging you on, you blew the candle out, causing an array of cheers and claps.

“Honestly, some of us didn’t. But you know who did remember?” Morgan commented with a wink. You turned to see Spencer scratching his neck, smiling down at you, the look making your heart swell just a lil’ bit more. 

You grabbed his arm and pulled him over with you to the table, the team clearing a spot for the two of you. Conveniently, shots for everyone had already been poured out, readily awaiting your consumption. You grabbed the shot glass and raised it towards the middle of the table.

“To family,” you beamed. Maybe I was just imagining things.

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Taglist (send an ask to be added): @prettyboy-reid @eusuntgroot @veraiconcos​ (congrats on 3k again!)