#so just… natural crazy Bridget things going on over here

[pagetbewbster]

been away from here long enough to not mention that I just got back from working + living in Lithuania for a month and might end up moving there after meeting the love of my life. So, that’s what’s up with this unhinged binch

[procrastinating-story-writer]

Inquisitorial much?

A big thank you to @luidilovins for allowing me to use her funny dream to write this. 

Warning: Slight swearing

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If someone had told Roxanne two years ago that she would have fallen in love, gotten married (to an ex-villain) and now be eight months pregnant with their child, she would have outright laughed and call that person crazy. 

Alas, here she was indeed two years later and eight months pregnant, sporting a huge belly, swollen ankles and all the jazz that come with expecting, as she made her way to her Doctor’s appointment.

After the whole ordeal with Titan, herself and Megamind grew closer. He proved to be a much more caring person that he pretended not to be and looked after the city. 

When he proposed, it was a year after they officially started dating (she did not include the dates when he was under the ruse of being Bernard.) They had a quiet evening of dinner before taking a stroll through the park. Megamind had taken her to their favorite tree which was decorated with tiny lights. 

Slow, soothing music was playing around them. If you looked closely, a few brain bots were hiding amongst the leaves looking on. Megamind took Roxanne in his arms, the two waltzing to the music enjoying each others company, stealing small kisses in between. 

Roxanne had never been so happy and content in her life, until she was twirled and when coming to a stop, found Megamind on one knee, ring in hand sporting the biggest smile she had ever seen on his face. 

She couldn’t stop the tears from coming and screamed “Yes!” before he could even gave his eloquent speech.

The weeks that followed were busy as they both planned their wedding. It was going to be a small event, just close friends and family of the Bride and Groom. Unfortunately for them, those plans did not quite work out since Metro man and Minion managed to invite half the city. 

To say things were hectic on their big day would be an understatement but it all worked out in the end and everyone was happy. A smile graced her lips at the memory of it all as she looked at her wedding ring; White gold butterfly design with a beautiful cut Emerald. 

Roxanne was brought from her thoughts by the hard kick to her side. She hissed at the discomfort and rubbed the aching spot.

“Hey you little squirt, pipe down in there. My kidneys are not toys. I love you but you have to come out soon.”

Waddling into the clinic, Roxanne was greeted by the staff and her favorite Nurse, Alice sat at the front desk. 

“Morning Roxanne. Here for your appointment?”

“Hi Alice, sure am. Hey, I know you and Doctor Bridget told me that I’m okay to have a Natural birth but I think I prefer C-section. Is that option available to me?”

“Sure it is. Let me get your vitals and weight checked and we can discuss in detail about switching to C-section which we wait for the Doctor.”

The Nurse went off to get the necessary equipment and Roxanne went to take a seat to rest her aching feet.

She wished Megamind had accompanied her but he was away on some business with Metro man. It was amazing that the two because best of friends after a lifetime of rivalry. 

Scratch that, they were more like brothers. 

“I couldn’t help but overhear that you want to take a C-section.”

Blinking, Roxanne turned to the voice and found it came from a woman standing across from her, that looked like she was in her late forties. 

“Yes, you heard right. It would be beneficial for me to under take one.” 

The woman frowned at this “but you’re doing yourself an injustice, if you ask me.”

“but I didn’t ask you, now did I. Why are you concerned with me not getting a C-section? Last I checked we don’t know each other.”

“No need to get upset. I’m just stating that traditionally, woman should perform natural birth and from your hips, I know you can go through with it. You don’t need a C-section just have natural birth.”

At this point Roxanne was growing furious. To think that this woman had the nerve to lecture her, telling her what was best for her health and well-being. 

She grabbed her phone, opens the device and literally shoves it to the woman’s face, all the while pointing to the picture of Megamind (her screensaver.)

“Take a good look at the father of my child and the giant head he possesses. If you think I’m going to allow something that large to come out my vagina, you got another thing coming...

“...Fuck tradition and fuck your opinion, if I wanted natural birth I would go through with it but I’m not, so how about you do me a favor...mind your business and vamoose.”

The woman paled as she stared at the picture, gave Roxanne a panicked look before rushing out the clinic’s doors. 

Roxanne sighed in relief and placed the phone back in her bag. Nurse Alice returned, calling her over to get started. 

“I think you scarred that woman for life. Was the picture of your husband that frightening?”

Laughing, Roxanne took a seat on the examination bed “Saw that huh? Not his picture but the fact that such a giant head exists. Stupid, nosey woman imposing her opinion that I never asked for. I hope she gets nightmares.”

[suttonfm]

 greetings  ,  angels  ,  i’m  back  AGAIN  with  a  second  muse  ,  the  lovely  sutton  marie  attwood  !  i  have  so  much  muse  for  sutton  ,  seeing  as  she  is  a  character  i  have  been  itching  to  bring  to  life  for  a  long  time  !  i’m  very  excited  for  you  all  to  read  more  about  her  ,  so  without  further  ado  ,  please  take  a  gander  below  the  cut  ,  &  for  plotting  purposes  ,  make  sure  you  give  this  post  a  big  phat  LIKE  if  you  would  like  me  to  message  /  im  you  .  enjoy  reading  about  my  presh  ballerina  :’  ))

𝓶𝓾𝓼𝓮 𝓲𝓷𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓶𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷

⋆ ╰  another  year  at  hollingsworth  ,  another  year  of  the  big  six  rivalry  .  i  hear  that  SUTTON  ATTWOOD  is  ensuring  KAPPA  KAPPA  DELTA gets  a  solid  pledge  class  and  stays  at  the  top  of  the  ranks  .  oh  ,  you’re  not  familiar  with  HER  ?  SUTTON  is  the  BRIDGET  SATTERLEE  look  alike  from  BOSTON , MASSACHUSETTS  .  apart  of  PC  ‘16  ,  she  is  majoring  in  PERFORMING  ARTS  and  has  plans  to  JOIN  THE  BOSTON  BALLET   after  undergrad  .  it  makes  sense  they  pledged  their  house  ,  their BENEVOLENT  &  DOCILE attributes  make  them  perfect  matches  .  however  ,  their  SUBMISSIVE  &   NAIVE  attributes  keep  their  name  alive  on  greek  rank  .  if  you  don’t  catch  them  dancing  to GET  WELL  SOON  -  ARIANA  GRANDE  at  a  fraternity  band  party  this  year  ,  you’ll  be  sure  to  catch  them  nursing  their  morning  hangover  at  THE  KAPPA  HOUSE  .  cheers  to  another  wild  semester !

𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓼𝓽𝓾𝓭𝔂

𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖𝕤 & 𝕕𝕚𝕤𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖𝕤

 so  !  sutton  has  a  wide  array  of  things  she  likes  :  long  walks  in  the  park  ,  puppies  that  are  learning  how  to  run  ,  freshly  sharpened  number  two  pencils  ,  the  smell  of  an  old  book  ,  baby  clips  ,  leather  mary  janes  ,  dainty  jewelry  ,  bubble  baths  ,  pink  or  creme  roses  ,  daffodils  ,  heart  -  shaped  lollipops  .  she  dislikes  cursing  ,  mean  -  spirited  people  ,  drinking  alcohol  /  doing  drugs  ,  vulgarity  /  explicit  conversation  .  she  also  hates  having  to  walk  alone  at  night  ,  when  she  misses  church  ,  &  all  red  meat  .

if  you  want  a  lil’  more  of  her  general  aesthetic  ,  click  HERE  for  her pinterest  board  ,  loves  !

𝕞𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕪

lovely  lil’  sutton  ....  where  do  i  even  start  JSLDKAJSDLKJ  ok  so  ...  she’s  .  angelic  vibes  all  2019  ,  ok  ?  she’s  wholesome  ,  pure  of  heart  ,  &  overall  ,  is  one  of  the  kindest  people  that  anyone  at  hollingsworth  will  come  across  .  her  overall  demeanor  is  docile  ,  quiet  ,  the  girl  usually  keeping  to  herself  ,  opting  to  stay  quiet  when  facing  confrontation  or  a  new  ,  strange  situation  .  her  voice  is  a  lil  deeper  ,  not  so  much  pealing  bells  ,  but  something  with  a  bit  of  a  rasp  ,  accented  by  the  bostonian  lilt  to  everything  she  says  .  she’s  irish  -  catholic  ,  her  family  being  very  devoted  to  their  faith  ,  &  passing  that  on  to  her  ...  she’s  always  wearing  her  cross  ,  &  making  sure  her  general  attire  is  conservative  enough  for  the  lord  (  lordt  salkdjad  )  .  i’m  talking  tights  ,  white  ruffled  socks  ,  the  whole  nine  :  /  she’s  also  !  very  smart  ,  well  -  read  ,  writing  poems  &  reading  old  novels  .  currently  ,  she  plays  the  piano  ,  &  is  on  hollingsworth’s  dance  team  !  she’s  very  disciplined  as  a  lifetime  ballerina  ,  her  life  revolving  around  the  entire  process  .  she’s  devoted  ,  loyal  ,  kind  ,  &  overall  just  !  a  lil  angel  ;  _  ;  so  pls  love  her  :  (

𝓶𝓾𝓼𝓮 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓽𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷

 sutton  attwood  was  born  the  youngest  of  four  children  ,  to  her  mother  marie  ,  and  her  father  ,  alexander  .  marie  and  alexander  had  been  married  for  the  last  twenty  -  seven  years  ,  having  kids  in  their  younger  years  ,  happily  in  love  ,  ready  to  start  a  family  .  after  her  three  siblings  were  born  ,  there  was  a  long  gap  until  her  own  arrival  ,  an  accident  that  her  parents  had  no  reason  to  expect  .  but  she  came  anyway  ,  arriving  into  the  attwood  family  ,  lungs  aching  as  she  cried  &  cried  .

 as  a  young  girl  ,  sutton  was  very  well  -  behaved  ,  but  also  very  sensitive  .  she  was  careful  to  mind  her  manners  ,  knowing  the  consequence  of  having  her  elbows  on  the  table  ,  or  neglecting  to  fold  her  napkin  across  her  lap  .  her  parents  had  high  standards  &  expectations  ,  strict  rules  that  they  enforced  to  ensure  their  daughter  stayed  within  the  mold  of  the  rest  ,  the  two  of  them  scared  that  ,  with  sutton  being  the  anomaly  ,  she  may  have  the  tendency  to  try  to  break  from  the  restraints  they  had  confined  the  rest  of  their  kids  in  .

 for  most  of  her  adolescence  ,  the  girl  was  extremely  confined  ,  repressed  ;  she  had  no  way  of  exhibiting  her  freedom  ,  expression  ,  or  creativity  ,  except  for  one  thing  --  ballet  .  she  had  started  as  soon  as  she  could  walk  ,  her  parents  having  her  join  on  the  premonition  it  would  be  a  good  outlet  for  her  ,  a  way  to  teach  her  the  discipline  they  were  sure  she  would  need  .  little  did  they  know  she  would  end  up  loving  ballet  ,  naturally  poised  for  such  a  difficult  art  form  ,  her  grace  &  athleticism  preceding  her  wildest  dreams  as  she  continued  to  train  &  train  ,  changing  dance  companies  over  the  years  as  she  became  better  &  better  .

 being  raised  irish  -  catholic  ,  she  has  a  strict  church  schedule  ,  attending  mass  every  saturday  with  her  whole  family  ,  &  sometimes  during  the  week  to  help  her  church  organize  youth  groups  ,  bible  study  ,  &  activities  of  the  same  ilk  .  being  heavily  involved  in  the  church  only  served  to  reinforce  her  parents  warnings  ,  the  people  around  her  sure  to  remind  her  that  if  she  were  to  sin  ,  she  was  damned  to  an  eternity  of  suffering  .  with  that  in  mind  ,  sutton  always  navigated  the  world  as  carefully  as  she  could  .  her  overall  mindset  was  to  stay  out  of  trouble  ,  avoiding  temptation  as  she  came  across  it  .  her  will  power  is  something  that  she  praises  herself  for  ,  being  able  to  resist  drugs  ,  sex  ,  &  alcohol  her  entire  life  .

 due  to  her  kind  demeanor  ,  she  has  the  tendency  to  be  taken  advantage  of  ,  her  niceness  taken  as  weakness  over  the  years  as  people  took  the  chance  to  belittle  or  berate  her  ,  but  despite  it  ,  her  exterior  has  never  hardened  ,  the  girl’s  heart  forever  warn  &  displayed  on  her  sleeve  . 

 since  coming  to  hollingsworth  ,  the  girl  has  done  her  best  to  maintain  her  pristine  image  ,  her  reputation  untainted  by  the  things  a  college  experience  may  promise  to  tarnish  .  but  somehow  ,  she’s  sidestepped  trouble  up  until  now  --  senior  year  .  as  a  kappa  ,  she  has  the  intention  only  to  maintain  her  house’s  top  spot  ,  her  competitive  nature  from  dancing  making  it  so  that  her  kindness  isn’t  always  necessarily  extended  to  the  members  of  other  sororities  ,  but  a  part  of  her  can’t  help  but  still  smile  in  other  girl’s  directions  ,  happy  to  have  them  as  a  friend  instead  of  an  enemy  .  the  cutthroat  mentality  of  kappa  house  is  overwhelming  ,  but  with  chaise  as  president  ,  sutton  is  even  more  nervous  to  see  what  happens  .

 with  the  promise  of  new  experiences  on  the  horizon  ,  sutton  intends  to  keep  up  the  good  work  .  to  maintain  her  4.0  gpa  ,  to  keep  her  virginity  &  promise  to  god  intact  ,  &  to  continue  dancing  without  having  any  drama  .  whose  gonna  tell  her  .....

𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓬𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼

 tbh  !  i  want  her  BEST  FRIEND  ,  one  -  sides  friendship  (  i  .  e  .  sutton  bothering  them  &  always  being  nice  ,  inevitably  driving  them  crazy  )  ,  her  CRUSH  (  this  is  a  big  one  bcos  ...  well  ...  v*rgin  or  what  not  jlkjlajskdjaldaj  but  yes  could  be  mutual  /  one  -  sided  )  ,  someone  she  tutors  bcos  she’s  a  smart  gal  !  her  confidant  ,  her  ex  -  best  friend  (  maybe  dropped  her  bcos  when  they  came  into  the  college  they  were  both  wholesome  &  they  gave  into  the  whole  greek  lifestyle  ,  losing  themselves  /  sutton  along  the  way  :/    )    um  !  i  can’t  think  of  anything  else  rn  but  u  know  me  ...  lets  go  off  chem  <3  ok  ,  that’s  all  for  now  ,  folks  !

[man-creates-dinosaurs]

SPOOKY PALEONTOLOGY: THE (OC)CULT OF NESSIE One reason I haven’t been blogging as much here is that I’ve been busy with various academic projects including two book chapters, submissions for conference presentations, serving as a member of the steering committee for this year’s Religion and Monsters panel at the AAR, getting the long awaited second installment of Scholars Talking Toku up, and preparing to start applying for PhD programs at the end of the year.

One of the books I recently contributed to is tentatively titled “Paranormal and Popular-Culture” and should be coming out from Routledge early next year. The volume was conceived and edited by Darryl Caterine and John W. Morehead. My contribution was a chapter on the intersection of cryptozoology and science-fiction in which I endeavored to show that the central aims and obsessions of cryptozoology (i.e. the discovery of monstrous creatures alive in the world today) can be found to have originated in the realm of fantastic fiction.

My original draft for this chapter was over 11,000-words and had to be drastically reduced at the behest of the publisher (actually the entire book had to be shortened apparently). So I decided I could make use of some of that research here on my blog and just in time for Halloween. In this case I want to talk about lake monsters. Spooky lake monsters. Specifically the Loch Ness Monster.  

Though reports of a monster living in Loch Ness don’t begin until 1933 the idea of such a creature dwelling somewhere within the British Isles can be found in The Lair of the White Worm; a horror novel by Dracula author Bram Stoker originally published in 1911 by Rider and Son of London with interior color illustrations by Tarot Card artist Pamela Colman Smith. In 1925 an abridged version of the novel was issued, losing more than 100 pages and 12 chapters.

Set in Derbyshire, England The Lair of the White Worm concerns Australian transplant Adam Salton who has traveled to meet his great-uncle, Richard Salton, as Adam is destined to become the heir of the family estate. As Adam quickly learns, however, high strangeness of various kinds is at work in the surrounding countryside including the death of livestock, mysterious black snakes slithering about, a child with vampire-like bite marks on her neck, hostile pigeons, and the mysterious Arabella March who lives nearby in a house located in Diana’s Grove; an area known to have once been the center of pagan religious rites.

Eager to get to the bottom of these various mysteries, Richard introduces Adam to his friend Sir Nathaniel de Salis; who fulfills the Van Helsing role in this novel of occult scholar. In Chapter 5, “The White Worm,” Sir Nathaniel fills Adam in on the various legends concerning Diana’s Grove including that it is the lair of a monstrous albino serpent or dragon; what the Anglo-Saxon’s called a ‘wyrm,’ hence the novel’s title. When Adam displays some skepticism about such tales Sir Nathaniel informs him that…

“A glance at a geological map will show that whatever truth there may have been of the actuality of such monsters in the early geologic periods, at least there was plenty of possibility.  In England there were originally vast plains where the plentiful supply of water could gather.  The streams were deep and slow, and there were holes of abysmal depth, where any kind and size of antediluvian monster could find a habitat.  In places, which now we can see from our windows, were mud-holes a hundred or more feet deep.  Who can tell us when the age of the monsters which flourished in slime came to an end? There must have been places and conditions which made for greater longevity, greater size, greater strength than was usual.  Such over-lappings may have come down even to our earlier centuries.” (p. 187 in Penguin Classic’s Dracula’s Guest and Other Weird Tales, 2007)

Here we see that Sir Nathaniel is something of a proto-cryptozoologist and like his 20th-Century contemporaries advances the idea that the menacing white worm, like Nessie, is a prehistoric holdover who has somehow managed to survive for millions of years in the supposedly “abysmal depths” of the United Kingdom’s many lakes and lochs. Of course, the novel ends with the revelation that the worm is real and dwells in a pit beneath Arabella March’s home in Diana’s Grove where March worships and feeds the beast who in turn appears to endow her with evil supernatural powers. Ultimately, Adam is able to dispatch the monster via the handy combination of dynamite and a well-placed lightning bolt.

In 1988, English filmmaker Ken Russell (1927-2011) filmed a theatrical adaptation of The Lair of the White Worm. Russell’s version actually puts more emphasis on the story’s latent paleontological elements. Rather than being set in the early 20th-Centrury the story is moved up to the present day (i.e. 1980s) and Adam Salton is recast as Angus Flint (Peter Capaldi; the Twelfth Doctor); a Scottish archaeologist excavating the site of a Roman era Christian convent in Derbyshire. Among the ruins Flint discovers what appears to be the skull of a dinosaur! The locals connect the skull to the legend of the d'Ampton wyrm, said to have been slain in Stonerich Cavern by John d'Ampton, the ancestor of current Lord of the Manor, James d'Ampton (Hugh Grant of Four Weddings and a Funeral [94] and Bridget Jones’s Diary [2001]). Flint attends a party at d’Ampton Manor where he meets James and the audience is treated to a rocking rendition of the legend of the d’Ampton wyrm (based on the real-life legend of the Lambton Worm).

Stonerich Cavern is connected to the home of the enigmatic Lady Sylvia Marsh (Amanda Donohoe) who steals the skull from Flint and also abducts his girlfriend Eve. While a symbiotic relationship between Marsh and the White Worm is only hinted at in Stoker’s novel, it is explicit in Russell’s film with Marsh assuming the form of a silver-skinned serpentine vampire who’s appearance I would have to guess was inspired by the look of a similar monster seen in Hammer’s The Reptile (1966, dir. John Gilling). It is soon revealed that Marsh is the immortal priestess of an ancient pre-Christian snake god named Dionin whose next sacrifice is going to be Eve. In order to rescue his girlfriend and expunge the evil from the countryside Flint enlists the aid of James and the two mount an assault on Marsh and Dionin.  

For most cryptozoology enthusiasts, Nessie is believed to be an extant plesiosaur which somehow survived the K–Pg extinction event some 66-million-years ago. As a result the idea of Nessie being related to anything like the subject of Stoker’s The Lair of the White Worm – with its occult evil, secret cults, human sacrifice and vampires – may seem strange indeed. However at least one noted Nessie research drew just such a circle of connections around the Loch Ness Monster. That man was Fredrick William Holiday (1921–1979).

Like most Nessie researchers, Holiday started out proposing that Nessie was a prehistoric survivor. Not a plesiosaur but rather a Tully Monster (Tullimonstrum gregarium); a genus of soft-bodied bilaterian that lived during Late Carboniferous period some 323.2 million-years-ago to 298.9 million-years-ago and whose fossil remains were discovered in Illinois in the late 1960s. The exact nature of the Tully Monster is actually a source of great paleontological controversy which you can learn about here. Like all cryptozoologists expounding prehistoric survivor paradigm theories Holiday was at a loss to explain how the warm water Tully Monster had survived hundreds of millions of years in a cold lake on the other side of the world. He also had the not insignificant problem that the fossils of Tully Monster indicated that its maximum size was about 14-inches, pretty puny for the Loch Ness Monster. Nevertheless, Holiday put forth his Tully Monster theory in his 1968 book The Great Orm of Loch Ness; “orm” being another variation on “wyrm.”

However, as Holiday continued to research the Loch Ness Monster he began noticing strange things happening to him. This included his camera always malfunctioning whenever he tried to take a shot of Nessie, glimpses of mysterious orbs of light, apparent UFO sightings and experiences of missing time. As a result by the early 1970s Holiday ceased promoting the idea that Nessie was a Tully Monster and started claiming that it was a supernatural entity that was both the basis of ancient dragon legends and somehow connected to UFOs; hence the title of his second book: The Dragon and the Disc (1973). This trend in Holiday’s research continued and by the late 70s Holiday was apparently wrapped up in all kinds of occult phenomena and evidently claiming that Nessie was the object of reverence of a secret dragon cult practicing human sacrifice hidden in the surrounding Inverness environs. All this prompted Holiday’s final book The Goblin Universe (published in 1986, after his death) which was co-authored with sci-fi writer Colin Wilson; author of The Space Vampires (1976), which was later turned into the film Lifeforce (1986) directed by Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Poltergeist) and scripted by Dan O’Bannon (Alien). You want a crazy Halloween double-feature? Watch Russell’s The Lair of the White Worm and Hooper’s Lifeforce back-to-back.   

[thelastpodcast]

Graduation Speech Transcript

[This was the working draft so there are some changes and additions I made on the fly.]

Let me start by saying what a total mindblowing honor it was to have been selected by my classmates to speak on their behalf. I already told them this once in private so they would know I really meant it and wasn’t just saying it to endear myself to the alumni, but it bears repeating. To endear myself to the alumni.

Class of 2019: It’s no exaggeration to say that I consider all of you to be superior human beings to me—you know, in terms of your career accomplishments, charitable activities… personalities. I was legitimately intimidated when I read your bios in our little binder. Especially since mine was just me drinking an iced latte and making jokes about my dog or whatever. You all lived up to the hype and the multi-hyphenates, that is for certain—and that’s why I felt so shocked, but also so validated and accepted, to be chosen.

And I don’t know if I even mentioned my dog once, this whole program, did I? Her name is Shoshanna and she’s uh, half puggle half demon, and the less said about her the better.

We’re not here to talk about my dog, luckily. We’re here to look back on our experience these past six months, and to look ahead to where we’re going now.

It all started at the Brown Center, for our opening retreat—and listen, folks. I thought I knew a thing or two about team training activities? I do a lot of that for work a little, you know, I’ve been around the block a bit, I’ve got some game.  Or, I thought I did. It turns out I have absolutely no game, because Bill from the Brown Center knocked me out with all of his Jedi Mind Tricks. Remember that activity where you had to keep a familiar person between yourself and someone who was unfamiliar? Alumni, did you do this one? If you’ve never done this, I want you to try it out the next time you are 5 hours into the process of slowly meeting 40 new people. Outside of Leadership Seacoast I’m not sure when else that might happen, maybe like a hostage situation at a grocery store? Something to keep in mind!

So, what you do is, you stand in a big circle and you look across and you find someone who is familiar and someone who is not.  You don’t say it out loud – nobody knows who picks who. Like all the best games, most of this one happens in your mind.

Fred was my familiar guy—we’d been on this Puzzle Team together so we were already bros for life. (Fred hand signal.) That’s me and Fred’s secret hand shake. And Bridget was, at the time, a person I was unfamiliar with. Luckily, Bridget, that would change! But anyway, once you’ve picked your two people across the way, you start moving out from the circle. And as each PERSON  tries to physically keep his or her familiar between their self and the unfamiliar, everybody scatters crazily around the room—it’s total chaos. Then Bill, this master of his craft, Bill! He flips the script. He says, you gotta keep the unfamiliar person between you and the familiar guy. So, guess what happens when you do that? All of the people who have scattered around the room suddenly clump together, like we were magnetized. As a physical exercise, it was stunning. As a metaphor, it’s even better. When we shield ourselves with familiar people and places, the community is disparate, chaotic, disorganized. When we reach out, to someone new, when we step out of our comfort zone, the community very quickly becomes more unified, close-knit—maybe a little too close for people who need their personal space, but undoubtedly stronger.

Feeling warmed and inspired by this, we met Peter Francese, who told us all about how we are going to die.

OK, ok, not how we are going to die—it wasn’t that bad. He just wanted to warn us about the state’s swiftly aging population, and how these trends would, you know, collapse the economy, annihilate property values and give rise to blood-harvesting robots…in the next five to ten years. So we’ve got that to look forward to!

Now, Demographic doomsaying aside– in his talk Peter highlighted something that turned out to be very important for virtually every session that followed – which is I guess what we can politely call the “structural shortcomings” of our dear granite state. I mean mostly that there’s no money, but also… you know how our stubborn independence creates an unwieldy number of local fiefdoms and gerontocracies instead of something more streamlined or cost effective or efficient or whatever? I Also mean that.

Live free or die! Maybe both.

Because from the opening retreat onward, at each program day, we were brought face to face with the open space between people in need and available services. Each time we saw problems over here with apparent solutions over there but no funding or obvious state mechanism to connect them.

Nowhere was that more clear than on Health and Human Services day. The scope and seriousness of the addiction epidemic in New Hampshire can’t be overstated. And we learned to call it an addiction epidemic and not an opioid epidemic. Because it is not new and it is far from over.

And yet, I found myself so inspired to meet the people working against it. Capable, confident, dedicated individuals from all walks of life. And importantly, there were so many of them—so many people, so many organizations, voluntarily filling in that gap between the problem and the solution.

Next up was Economic Development day, and almost every member of the class of 2019 that I’ve talked to about this day felt intimidated by the subject. Economic Development. Was there going to be math? I mean, everyone in this class is a right-brained, touchy-feely type. Even those of us who work at banks. Even Josh! Yes, even Josh is, deep down. You’re the man, Josh. You’re the football coach I wish I had.

Anyway, Economic Development. It wasn’t so bad, was it?

We all left that day excited about our community, very well caffeinated, and wondering which place we should move to: Somersworth, or into a Macy’s? Let me explain that: Eric Chinburg told us that big box stores are the mill buildings of the future. Since obviously malls are no longer a place people shop, we might as well put some apartments in there, right? That might sound crazy to you, but buy her a drink and Sarah Wrightsman will tell you why it’s not. I love the idea, if only for the rich joke potential. Did you hear about Kir’s new apartment, oh yeah, he finally left that dusty little studio and he’s upgraded to a beautiful spacious Anne Taylor Loft. Oh, the natural light!

Oh, and did you all hear about the developer who wanted to put 5 affordable units in his new building? Due to cost overruns, he’s down to just one Payless.

If you can think of a good one please let me know after the speech, I’m trying to write a standup set for the next Workforce Housing Coalition meeting.

So, I connect with science more than I thought I did – I learned that at Environment Day. I’ve never thought of myself as a science guy, nor did my chemistry teacher in high school, but I guess I am. I really connected with what people like Cameron Wake had to say. Which is why I no longer sleep at night!

And by the way, if you have to learn about catastrophic climate change, it’s best to be somewhere as beautiful as Odiorne. I mean, worst case scenario, everything looks like Odoirne, right? Sorry.

But anyway, being a person who connects with science now, and with a couple of program days behind me, I started to put the all these pieces together, and started to see better the gaps between the need and the resources, between the economic development and the education, between the government and the environment, I started to think of the state of New Hampshire itself as a kind of organism. I first thought of this metaphor at one of the Margaritas meetings, by the way, and I think it’s pretty solid. Shoutout to Margaritas, by the way, the unofficial program sponsor of Leadership Seacoast 2019.

The state of New Hampshire is like a plant that grows too close to the ground to get any sun. The sunlight, in this metaphor, is tax revenue. The stem of the plant is too weak to stand up on its own—it would have needed to add, you know, like an income tax or something in order to produce more chlorophyll. I swear to god this metaphor tracks, just bear with me here.

We’re a plant, and we grow too close to the ground. But instead of shriveling up and dying, over time, we have evolved this vast, far flung network of little leaves that push their way out into the sun and keep the plant alive despite its shortcomings.

Every person we met at every single program day, is one of those leaves. Out there, on their own, pushing toward the light, finding a gap and filling it.

I’m talking about the incredible and dedicated people we met from groups like Hope on Haven Hill and  Seacoast Family Promise

As well as people like Terry Robinson, who came to Portsmouth by way of Louisiana, on the strength of his fashion career, and is now working with the Portsmouth Black Heritage Trail and is still somehow only 19 years old? What? He identified a gap in the education of Seacoast kids of color, a gap that was invisible to most of us. He’s filling it now.

And what about Anna Brown and Jacquelyn Benson, the dynamic duo from Citizens Count. They are like a walking West Wing episode and I could listen them explain the nuances of the New Hampshire legislative system all day. It might take all day to understand it, but that’s why they’re working so hard.

Emmett Soldati talked to us about the need for gathering spaces in the community. In Somerworth, he saw a gap, and he filled it in himself by opening Teatotaller, which is a really special place Where once there was problem, now there’s Kirsten Gillibrand watching a Teen Drag Show. That’s pretty good. That’s a lot of light for one leaf.

That’s also how a lot of us felt about Justin Roy, the principal of Spaulding High School: a lot of light for one leaf. From where does he find the energy? Oliver, let’s talk to Revision about hooking that guy up to the grid. On Education Day, he very appropriately gave us a lot to think about. How we felt about the education we got, however long ago. How much the system might need to change going forward. How much it would take it change it, and whether or not we had the stomach for that. Education reform is a grand and consequential experiment, and the laboratory is right there in Rochester.

Speaking of experiments—Justice Day certainly was that.

Down at Strafford County Correctional, we’re very lucky to have an administration in place that recognizes addiction for what it is: a medical issue, and we heard from some people working very hard to turn their lives around. But they’re funding these programs with extra money they’re getting from ICE to house undocumented immigrants. The jail superintendent, Chris Brackett told us: he doesn’t know where these people came from, what they did, if anything, and where they’re going next. This is a tough thing to contemplate. But we can’t look the other way. So don’t.

The most remarkable part of justice day happened at the end, and it came from within the group itself. John and Kerry, and Christine and Tim and Josh, members of our own class who have come at criminal justice reform in their own ways, in their own fields, led a spirited but respectful discussion about everything we’d just seen. I learned too much that day to even try to relate here, but more than anything, I just felt grateful for your perspectives—for all of your perspectives, across every program day and every small group and every chance encounter in the wild, may there be many more.

And I’m grateful to Lori, for carving out a big block of time on justice day to let something like that unfold. Can we just get a round of applause for Lori Waltz Gagnon, people? She was incredible. I’ll be honest, We’re kind of an unwieldy group, a little rowdy. We get cranky when we don’t have snacks. And she managed us with aplomb and also with some little chimes that she would ring to get us to shut up. Speaking of which!

Some of us were thinking—the chimes are great and all, very final savasana, but maybe you’d like some variety for the class of 2020? So --- Jay Dennett made this bag by the way – check it out. Blue Dolphin, everybody.

What we’re going to do here, is I want you all to talk amongst yourselves for a second, and then I will try to bring you back to focus with an item from the bag, OK? I will give you a topic. How would YOU have changed the Game Of Thrones finale?

That was great! OK, let’s try again. More controversial topic this time: does a hot dog count as a sandwich? Go.

We’ve got some good ones. I really like the maracas—because it’s like, Ooooh, are we going to learn about PFOA contamination… or are we going to do some salsa dancing?! Speaking of Salsa Dancing, Erika Mantz, where are you? We took some lessons together after Arts & Culture Day. Erica stepped up and collected donations from the class of 2019 to fund a scholarship for someone next year.

What do we do now? My dog, we covered that. New Hampshire is a plant that grows too close to the ground. Covered that. Webster’s Dictionary Defines Leadership as… we don’t need that. Secret hand gesture for Fred, we did that. Webster’s Dictionary defines Seacoast as… we don’t need that. Ah, OK, here we are, What do we do now?

I think for a minute there, maybe about halfway through the program, this became the sort of overwhelming question on everybody’s minds. What do we do after all this? Everything we are learning, everything we are seeing, all the need, all of the problems. Climate Change! Local Government! Single-Use Plastics! Homelessness! Oh my god! Where do we start?

And then it became less of a worry, because we were already starting. Everywhere, across the group, it was happening.

Elaine Way went back to work after Health & Human Services Day in January and pretty much immediately directed a $2400 donation to Seacoast Family Promise. See, we both work for LTC Partners, and she had that money from our company’s annual holiday basket raffle—Elaine’s department always makes the best basket. They win every year! It’s a little annoying.

Karene immediately went out and signed up to be a cuddler at Hope on Haven Hill.

Fred went to one of Sarah’s workshops and learned all the cool affordable housing lingo, like NIMBY and CAVE and BANANA. (Explain Banana.)

Kelly’s starting a New Hampshire Volunteer Chapter for Wells Fargo--

Whitney joined the board for Marsha’s Hospice Help Foundation--

The list goes on.

And our class facebook paged has been lighting up on a daily basis with volunteer opportunities and events. What I’m saying is – I don’t need to tell you where to start. We’ve already started. It’s already happening.

But keep starting, please. Keep in touch, keep an eye on what others are doing, and keep an eye out for the kind of gaps you can fill, or that you think one of us might be able to fill instead. Think about the space that other people in the class are already occupying, have been occupying for years, and keep thinking about how you could help them.  And tell other people about what they’re doing, and what you’re doing! Don’t be shy about it.

I mentioned earlier the validation and acceptance I felt when you all picked me to be your speaker – acceptance in particular, acceptance by teams, is something I’ve had in short supply for most of my life. I was never a star athlete and I think I finished school RIGHT BEFORE phys ed teachers got the memo that having kids pick their own teams was cruel and unusual punishment. I’ve told plenty of you that at the opening retreat I really resisted getting involved in some of the activities because of their resemblance to … shudder… team sports.

Well, listen, class of 2019 – I am so happy to be on your team. I am so excited to see what we’re doing already, and what we’ll do next. And if you ever get stuck – look to your left, look to your right. And the people on the ends, I guess like, look backward or forward? You get what I am saying. Look to each other. Keep helping each other help others. Grow the team. Fill in the gaps.

There will be no shortage of opportunities to help in a state like this, with an alumni network like this, with a team like this.

Thank you, Lori Waltz Gagnon, thank you all for listening – thank you to my wife and my mom and my boss for all coming—and most of all, thank you, class of 2019.

[aion-rsa]

MST3K Turkey Day: The Long History of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Thanksgiving

https://ift.tt/3l4KHUl

Sometimes a long-running TV show finds itself linked to a certain holiday. Community had Christmas. The Simpsons has Halloween. Brooklyn 99 had Halloween, then changed it to Cinco de Mayo for scheduling reasons. Saturday Night Live has…Election Day, I guess? I probably should have thought this through a bit more.

While Mystery Science Theater 3000 has done a handful of Christmas-themed episodes (one major one per host, at least), the series has a much deeper relationship with Thanksgiving. Turkey Day is essentially its legacy. It started on Thanksgiving and it always comes back to that one Thursday in late November, whether the show is on the air or not.

Back in 1988, Joel Hodgson created a new show idea inspired by a random image from the liner notes of an Elton John album, wherein a couple of silhouettes sit in front of a movie screen. He and some robot puppets would watch bad movies and crack jokes. While the 15-minute proof of concept footage of him watching The Green Slime never made it to air, the world would be introduced to Mystery Science Theater 3000 on November 24 as he and Crow (here voiced by J. Elvis Weinstein) sat through Invaders from the Deep.

Well, only a very small piece of the world would be introduced. The show aired on KTMA-TV in Minnesota. Regardless, the first time MST3K hit the airwaves, it was Thanksgiving night.

The episode – and really the entire KTMA-TV season – wasn’t great. The idea was there, but they hadn’t come close to hitting its potential. It still found an audience and about a year later, it was airing on the Comedy Channel. That first season, which had Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson, Weinstein as Tom Servo, and Trace Beaulieu as Crow T. Robot, was also pretty rough. It wasn’t until the second and third seasons (where Kevin Murphy had taken over the Servo role) that MST3K really started to find its footing.

On November 28, 1991, to celebrate MST3K’s third anniversary, Comedy Central put together the very first Turkey Day marathon. Starting at midnight and ending at 6 AM on the following day (!), they would air fifteen episodes in a row, accompanied by various Thanksgiving-based bumpers and sketches.

Keep in mind, this was long before the days of The Daily Show and South Park, so Comedy Central’s pool of popular shows wasn’t the deepest. This was back when you’d turn on the channel in the middle of the day and see episodes of Soap or some ’80s movie about a mime joining a ninja academy. No really, that was a thing. They played it all the time.

In 1992, they kicked up Turkey Day a notch. While still a 15-episode marathon, it started on Wednesday, November 25 at 6 PM with the debut showing of The Beatniks. By the time they reached the home stretch at 10 PM on Thanksgiving night, they played the episode premiere for Fire Maidens of Outer Space. At midnight, to finish things off, a half-hour special called This is MST3K was aired.

They kept many of the bumpers from the first Turkey Day, added some more, and each episode was introduced with a segment where Dr. Forrester would force-feed TV’s Frank some kind of turkey dish themed to the featured movie.

1993 went even bigger by adding one more episode to the marathon, making the whole thing 32 hours long. This time, the framing bumpers took the form of clips from a party that an MST3K fan won via contest. Initially, Comedy Central wanted the guys from the show to put together some segments with a tiny budget, but it was probably for the better that they didn’t. By the time Turkey Day ’93 aired, Mike Nelson had taken over for Joel as the show’s host and that major transition was still less than a month old.

This time the marathon went from 6pm on November 24 to 2am on November 26. At 10pm on Thanksgiving night, they premiered the episode featuring Beginning of the End.

The next year’s special episode premieres were Kitten with a Whip (starting the marathon) and Zombie Nightmare (ending it). Using Zombie Nightmare worked out perfectly because that movie’s antagonist was played by none other than Adam West and who better to host the Turkey Day segments? Though in retrospect, Adam West was pretty much everywhere in the mid-90s, so it wasn’t the biggest deal ever.

Still, it was nice and even featured appearances from other MST3K targets like Robert Vaughn, Beverly Garland, and Mamie Van Doren. The main focus was Adam West cooking turkeys themed to each episode and delighting us with his smooth, tryptophan-laced voice.

The 1995 edition (officially called “MST3K Anthology” despite still airing on Thanksgiving) existed to debut the seventh season of the show, known for its meager six episodes. As Comedy Central was losing interest in the series, the marathon was shortened to fifteen hours. It also featured a rare inclusion of a Season 1 episode, The Crawling Hand.

What made MST3K Anthology so memorable was not that it was the last hurrah for Comedy Central’s annual marathons or the shortened string of episodes. It was for the premiere of Episode 701, Night of the Blood Beast and the interesting way that episode was handled. Throughout the marathon, episodes would be introduced via Dr. Forrester being forced to host an impromptu Thanksgiving party with guests including preexisting characters Jack Perkins (Mike Nelson), Mr. B Natural (Bridget Nelson), Pitch (Paul Chaplin), Kitten with a Whip (Kevin Murphy), and Michael Feinstein (also Mike Nelson). This led to the airing of Night of the Blood Beast, where not only were the host segments based on celebrating Thanksgiving, but it was shown that Forrester’s Thanksgiving party was still going on.

In later airings of that episode, the host segments were completely different and had zero connection to Thanksgiving. Everything inside the theater remained the same. They just took a holiday-themed episode and made it run-of-the-mill for the sake of easier reruns. The host segments from the MST3K Anthology version of Night of the Blood Beast are available as extras on various DVD releases.

MST3K would spend three seasons on the Sci-Fi Channel, but would only get one Thanksgiving marathon, taking place in 1997. Even then, it was a bit half-assed. The marathon aired from 7:30am on November 27 to 4am on November 28, but with a six-hour break in the middle to play a couple of Star Wars movies. It also lacked any special flavor to it, foregoing any special bumpers or segments. No episode premieres. Just a handful of Sci-Fi era episodes and a lengthy Star Wars break.

Then it was sixteen years of silence. MST3K was cancelled after its tenth season in 1999. Those involved in the show mostly split into two teams. Some followed Joel as he started his new venture Cinematic Titanic. Others followed Mike, whose failed series The Film Crew was followed by the much more successful RiffTrax. That left MST3K rights owner Jim Mallon, who tried to move forward with an animated web series starring the robots and…the less said about it the better.

Joel was seeing enough money coming to him from DVD sales to realize that despite being cancelled a long time ago, there were still people wanting MST3K. With a 25-year anniversary DVD set coming out, Joel decided to promote it with the return of Turkey Day. Turkey Day ’13 featured Joel introducing the six most popular episodes of the show, which he’d also give hints about ahead of time. Streamed online, the special ended with him at the dinner table with Servo and Crow, causing speculation amongst the fans.

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There was more speculation a year later when Turkey Day ’14 had the two bots regularly appear during the host segments, voiced once again by J. Elvis Weinstein and Trace Beaulieu. There would also be segments of Joel, Trace, and Frank Conniff sitting back and reminiscing about the history of this MST3K/Thanksgiving connection.

While riding the wave of the previous year’s success, this installment of Turkey Day was also promoting a DVD set Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Turkey Day Collection. The set mainly featured four random episodes (Jungle Goddess, Painted Hills, Screaming Skull, and Squirm), but with Servo and Crow hosting intro segments to give it the illusion of a Turkey Day marathon.

By early November of 2015, shit had hit the fan. Joel had bought the rights to MST3K from Mallon and started up a Kickstarter to raise money for new episodes. Wouldn’t you know it, Turkey Day ’15 happened right during said Kickstarter. The theme of the marathon was mostly Joel hanging out with different Kickstarter employees, but it also had newly-announced Season 11 host Jonah Ray Skype his way into the broadcast to introduce one of the episodes.

The following year was pretty chill, all things considered. The new season hadn’t started yet, but it was very much on the way. Just not far along enough to show us any clips or give us any juicy news. Joel and Jonah casually hosted the six most popular episodes as polled by the fans. Nothing too crazy.

The chillness continued in 2017. This time, things were hosted by Joel, Jonah, and Felicia Day. Things seemed pedestrian with another six episodes being streamed online, but there were two important things about this marathon.

First off, everyone realized that Joel’s arms are beefier than expected, netting him the nickname Swole Hodgson.

Second, after it seemed like they were off the air, it bounced back with a special announcement that – yes, Virginia – MST3K was coming back for a twelfth season on Netflix! It’s a Turkey Day miracle! Happy Thanksgiving, you ol’ savings and loan!

Turkey Day ’18 was a bit complicated. Rather than air on Thanksgiving, the marathon streamed on the Sunday prior, once again hosted by Joel and Jonah. What made it special was that Netflix had allowed them to include the Season 11 instant classic Cry Wilderness. As for why they didn’t air the Turkey Day marathon on actual Turkey Day?

Well, Thanksgiving was when MST3K’s twelfth season debuted all at once on Netflix. Also known as MST3K: The Gauntlet, the six-episode season was based around the idea of binging the whole thing in one day. Kind of like what MST3K fans have been using Thanksgiving for for many years. While it wasn’t on the exact date as the first KTMA-TV episode in 1988, both that debut and this debut happened on the same holiday and that’s good enough as a way to celebrate the show’s 30-year anniversary.

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Unfortunately, much like the Comedy Central days, having a season of only six episodes was a bad omen. Merely a day before Thanksgiving 2019, it was announced that Netflix had canceled the show. The jerks. Any hope that Turkey Day ’19 was going to include some kind of announcement about a thirteenth season was immediately crushed and murdered like it was one of the Brute Man’s victims.

That said, the marathon that year did feature segments filmed behind-the-scenes at the third MST3K live tour. In a pre-COVID time, this was how Joel and the rest intended to keep MST3K in the minds of the public until the Netflix contract runs out and they can search out new outlets.

Up next is Turkey Day ’20. Right now, details are a little scarce, but they are figuring out the six movies via fan votes. A tournament of 24 episodes has been set up on MST3K.org, though I’m not quite sure how a tournament leads to six winners instead of just the one.

The post MST3K Turkey Day: The Long History of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Thanksgiving appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[bridgetbites]

My Week In Workouts

I don’t really have a specific workout routine; nor do I train particularly hard in my downtime. I used to, and it made me hungry, tired, lethargic and injured. So over the years I have learned when to go hard and when to not. I also hate gyms and try to avoid workout classes as much as possible. I much prefer being outside and working out in a way that makes me forget I am being active.

What follows is a sample week of my workouts when I am moving to feel good, have fun, and relax. I do not train to lose weight anymore – I move to make my life more enjoyable. I move to get outside, get into nature, and to keep my body ticking over in a way to help me hit 100 years old (or more!!). So here you go!

 First off:

Every day I get my 10K steps in, at least. I don’t drive, and I walk everywhere, so this is easy. I usually average around 10-15K a day

I am not counting meditation, which is likened to push-ups for your brain. This happens every morning.

I am also not counting playing piano and reading because I like to tell myself they are also mental workouts.

My guideline is three resistance workouts a week, two cardio, and the rest just for enjoyment

Ok, moving right along.

Monday

Paddleboard for around 1.5 hours

I love paddle boarding! If I have energy I will try some surfing on it, but my favorite thing to do is to cruise out as far as I can handle mentally and hope to hang out with some dolphins or whales. Not sharks. Never sharks.  

Tuesday

Body by Simone

While I don’t get into their studios very often I love this workout. It is just the right amount of resistance for me, and it always leaves me sore. I either use one of their DVD’s or do my own version of it in my living room. I don’t do the dance cardio segments – I usually sub in 30 minutes of jump rope instead.  

Wednesday

Slow 5 mile run

I never go fast and I never go further than five miles. I used to, and it resulted in a knee injury that will never quite be the same. Whenever I am on location I love to take myself on runs to see the new sights; some of my favorite memories from being on location are from my runs.  

Thursday

Body by Simone

Same as Tuesday. I tend to focus more on either lower or upper body, so whatever part isn’t as sore I hit today.  

Friday

Paddleboard for around 1.5 hours

Same as Monday. This is a great workout without you even noticing; you get crazy sweaty, and the best part? You can jump straight in the ocean when you get too hot. I like.  

Saturday

Body by Simone

Usually by Saturday I am feeling a little slower, and I may sub out the rope part for stretching.  

Sunday

Hike

Sunday is the day for cleaning the house, hanging with friends, and doing nothing! I usually still do get my 10K steps in, just because I refuse to get my license and I love walking. My husband and I may get in a hike if the weather is good and we can be bothered. But nothing too strenuous.

And there you have my week in workouts! I never make myself work out if I feel sore or tired. I learned the hard way that listening to yourself is key to making actual progress, otherwise you just cycle between over active and injured. You need to know where your energy levels sit. I ensure to get my resistance training in as building lean muscle mass will result in an increase in metabolism; and the more muscle I build now the more I have to lose as I age. Anything cardio based has to be fun for me; if I don’t enjoy the movement, I refuse to do it. Which is why you will never catch me in a yoga studio 😀

 Love,

Bridget

[drdanwrites]

Magical Office Episode 1 : Introductions

MY MY! I must say I’ve become very popular since my mystery post about my new series. Anyway here is my Office x Fantastic Beasts crossover. Things you need to understand before you read this. As The Office is done in a documentary style, I’d decided to write this fan fiction as a script. Meaning the actions will be in italics and the person who is speaking will have their name in bold. Hopefully this makes sense and reads okay for you guys. This first episode is just going to be an introductory episode to all my characters and for you to get a feel for the style. There are a couple of made of characters that are based on different characters in The Office, but only one person knows who is who ;). Also please note that I am fully aware that Newt is from the 1920′s/30′s and cameras were not invented...for the sake of the fanfiction, let's bring Newt to the 20th century ;)! Thanks to you wonderful people. Once again thank you to my bestie @fantasticnewtimagines for all the loving support!! Enjoy! <3 

Camera zooms in on you. You stand at the entrance of a corridor of office rooms. There are people walking around and you try to flag someone done, but they are all too entranced with what they are doing and they don't notice. You look into the camera.

Y/N: I'm new, I'm just trying to find Newt Scamander?

The camera motions to the first office. The door has claw marks running down it and is scorched in the corner. You walk over to it, awkwardly thanking the camera man as you scoot past him. You hesitantly knock on the door. Behind the door, rustling can be heard and a loud bang. As you open the door to find out what happened to the person within, a little black creature scurries out and runs past the camera. A man in a long blue coat follows and collides with you.

Newt: Bugger! He's escaped again.

Y/N: Are you Newt? I'm Y/N, I'm here to work as your assistant? Minister Parkinson hired me last week?

(Newt scratches his head trying to remember. Suddenly he looks over into the camera and his eyes continue to look back as you speak. Uneasy about their presence.)

Newt: Oh those bloody cameras.

(Newt looks at the camera. A voice is heard from behind the camera man.)

Director: Come on Newt we talked about this.

- NEWT INTERVIEW-

Director: It's just a documentary for the wizarding world. You know, to show people the inner lives of the average Ministry worker.

(Newt fidgets with his bow tie and accidently undoes it from nerves.)

Newt: I-I-I'm not sure how comfortable I am with all this.

(He continues to try and retie his bow, but keeps fumbling over his fingers and he keeps trying to make eye contact with the camera.)

Director: Don't sweat it Mr. Scamander. Just pretend like the camera isn't even here. We'll take you in to ask questions every now and then but otherwise, just go about as your normal Scamander self.

(Finally Newt proceeds to get a hold of himself and begins to redo his tie and completes the task.)

Director: Don't sweat it Mr. Scamander. Why don't you just give us a brief introduction.

(The camera goes in and out of focus while it tries to capture Newt's face. He blinks rapidly to try and gain confidence as he looks shyly into the camera.)

Newt: Hi...ummm...I'm Newton Artemis Fido Scamander... not sure why I gave you my full name... people just call me Newt. I work in the department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. I recently just joined the ugh...umm...beasts division. I've been with the ministry for 5 years now. My family is very involved in the ministry, so naturally I joined on. Need to keep up with the family. Unfortunately, Magizoology isn't a glamorous ministry job.

( Newt sits in his chair visibly uncomfortable. He tries various positions but ends up settling into his normal position of having his leg cross over his other knee.)

Newt: The minister feels I'm kind of a lose cannon.

( Newt runs a hand nervously through his hair, his wand in his hand.) Therefore he thinks I have a need for an assistant. So I do believe my day will be sent getting her acquainted with the office.

- END OF NEWT INTERVIEW -

(Newt looks back from the camera to you and taps his lips with his wand. )

Newt: Yes, yes Y/N. Minister Parkinson did say you would be starting today. It's a pleasure to meet you. I hope I won't make your job too difficult. I know I can be a bit eccentric.

( The camera focuses on your face.)

Y/N: Eccentric doesn't bother me in the least, Mr. Scamander.

Newt: Oh, please call me Newt. Let me introduce you to the others in our little corridor here.

(Newt begins to walk to you and the camera follows behind. As you come up to the door across the hall from Newt's, you see crazy designs and odd thumping of what sounded like music. Newt knocked on the door, there is no answer so Newt slowly opens the door. In the middle of a room is an older fatter man wearing a baseball cap backwards with a t-shirt with basketball shorts that are too big and are halfway down his legs, boxers exposed. He turns while dancing and sees Newt and you standing in the doorway. He quickly dances over to his boom box and turns down the music. The camera pans over to you and Newt. Newt gives the camera an expressionless stare as if to say he has no words for how embarrassing this is. You just keeps blinking, hoping that as some point your mind will etch this out of your memory).

Robert Biggleswade: Newt! What's cracking my homie.

(He sees your blank stare at him and shakes your hand.)

Robert Biggleswade: I'm Robert Biggleswade.

Newt: Yes, Yes sorry Biggleswade, this is Y/N Y/L. She's my new assistanct.

( Newt shakes his head and squints his eyes trying to unsee everything that just happened.)

Robert Biggleswade: I'm in the Muggle Liasion Department. I get the shiz done!

- Robert Biggleswade Interview -

Robert Biggleswade: Yeah dude, I'm totally hip with all the muggle slang. I've been in this position for nearly 30 years. I eat, sleep, dream and brush my teeth with muggle studies. Check it, one day I found these old brick things and I put them in this here brink player (He holds up a VCR) and I watched all these moving images that tell really rad stories. So when I saw these I was like listen homie, I don't play no games and I decided to step up my game and live the muggle lifestyle. Fo sho.

- End of Robert Biggleswade -

(The camera focuses on Newt and you as he closes the door and begins to walk with you to the next door.)

Y/N: Is, is he alright?

Newt: Yeah, he found a muggle movie viewing device and watched a lot of movies from the 80's and 90's. He's kinda gone a little overboard with it. He's an odd one.

Y/N: Umm yeah that's a bit of an under statement and he represents wizards when he talks to muggles?

Newt: They don't send him out on jobs anymore. I think the only reason he's still here is they feel bad and because he's been here so long, they just figure if they give him odd jobs now and again it keeps him content.

(You two reach the next door. The outside of the door is enchanted with falling rose petals and flowers. Newt pushes them away from him as he knocks and opens the door. The room is filled with girly decorations and the sounds of chitter chatter. A woman sits at her desk chatting away on the phone.)

Bridget Kent: That's what I'm saying though, it's so ridiculous they'd have to believe it. Ummm that's what I'm trying to tell you. Just do it and let me know what they say. (She gets off the phone and looks up and Newt and you. She excitedly gets up from her desk and comes to meet you both.)

Newt:Bridget Kent, this is Y/N Y/L. She's just starting today as my assistant. Bridget here works for the Muggle-worthy excuse committee.

(Bridget grabs yours hands and jumps up and down.)

Bridget Kent: Oh my God, I am so excited to have another girl here to talk to. Oh my God, it gets crazy boring with all these guys. No offense Newt. Oh my God, I swear we are going to be like best friends...

)As Bridget carries on, you just politely smile and try to take in all of her energy. Newt smirks next to you, hiding it under his hand.)

- Bridget Kent Interview

Bridget Kent: I love my job cause it's like I get to tell all these stories and make people believe it. Like say there's a big like magical outbreak and you're like oh my God, we can't have these muggles think we're all wizards and stuff so we have to explain it and stuff. I get to be like oh well just tell them blah blah blah. I'm like a really amazing story teller. I love making up stuff and talking.... I mea--

-END OF BRIDGET KENT INTERVIEW-

Y/N: You did that on purpose.

Newt: I have no idea what you're talking about.

(The camera catches you smiling and shaking your head at Newt for allowing Bridget to talk up a storm about the latest muggle excuse she was working on and hugging you with promises of the greatest friendship the ministry will ever see. You both continue walking down the hall to a larger room of two desks. A younger man sits at one desk. He looks very normal and well groomed. The other desk doesn't seem to have an owner. Newt walks up to the man behind his desk and shakes hand. You follow and so the same.)

Rodger Skye: Hi Newt. Is this the new assistant?

Newt: Yes this is Y/N Y/L. This is her first day. Brought her around to Bridget and Biggleswade already.

Rodger Skye: And you're still here. Well that's a miracle.

Y/N: Wow… sorry you're very… well… normal… I guess I'm kind of waiting for something crazy to happen.

RODGER SKYE INTERVIEW

Rodger Skye: (He sits relaxed in the chair seemingly exhausted from what is his life.) What do you guys want from me? I work for the International Magical Office of Law department. Nothing special. Mostly my job is babysitting the corridor. My office mate is like a toddler so I mostly just watch after her. (The camera can see the sinking realization that life kind of got away from him as he whispers,) I don't get paid enough...

-END OF RODGER SKYE INTERVIEW-

(Newt nods his head over to the open desk.)

Newt: How is Claire today?

(Rodger lets out a sigh of annoyance and runs over to her desk. He grunts as he leans over the chair and pulls up a sleeping Claire Manchester. She is asleep with her mouth open and sunglasses over her eyes.)

Rodger Skye: She got bored so she but some fire whiskey in her tea. I think she ended up drinking the whole bottle.

(The camera captures a empty bottle of fire whiskey next to her desk. Rodger gets her situated in the chair and props her head with her arm on the desk.)

Y/N: What's with the glasses?

Rodger Skye: It's an idea I got from one of Biggleswade's Muggle Movies. I know Minister Parkinson is coming by today, so I just figure he'll think she's just hung-over like usual.

-CLAIRE MANCHESTER INTERVIEW -

( Claire sits in the chair, motionless. Her head is pointed to the camera. The camera zooms into the glare of her sunglasses to reveal Rodger in the background. As the camera zooms back out of Claire's face, a charm is muttered in the background and Claire's mouth begins to move but Rodger's voice comes out, higher pitched and with a bad Irish accent.)

Rodger Skye as Claire Manchester: Ello thar laddies, I'm Claire Manchester from Belfast. I work in the Ludicrous Patent Office. Hardy Hardy Ha.

(The camera turns around as Rodger put her wand down.)

Rodger Skye: What? Is that all you need from her?

( The camera nodds in agreement and Rodger puts a charm on Claire's body and carries her out of the interview room.)

- END OF CLAIRE MANCHESTER INTERVIEW -

Newt:You wouldn't of happen to seen Niffler around here at some point? He took off when Y/N came in this morning.

Rodger Skye: Have you tried Milton's office? You know Niffler loves his ministry awards. Has she met Milton yet?

( There is a crash and the camera flashes to Milton Leighton's office. It is in mass disaster as Niffler runs around trying to take cover from Milton's wand fires.)

Milton Leighton: I've got you know you little runt!

(Newt runs in with you and automatically summons Niffler with the accio charm. Niffler comes out from his hiding spot and slams into Newt's chest as he shoves Niffler in his coat's inner pocket.)

Milton Leighton: NEWT! That's the 3rd time this week that little pest has wreak havoc on my office! Next I take him to the Pest Advisory Board.

Newt: Oh come on Milton, he's just a little curious... and you know he loves your shiny awards.

- MILTON LEIGHTON INTERVIEW -

Milton Leighton: Yes, I have a lot of awards. I work hard here. I don't waste my time like half of my ridiculous co-workers. I've been working here for 15 years in the Improper Use of Magic division. Soon I will be the best Auror the wizarding world has ever seen. I was top of my class at Hogwarts and I even went to extra classes to excel past every student there ever was or will be. I am best friends with the Minister and therefore it's only a matter of time before I'm out of the rejects office and into an Auror's office.

-END OF MILTON LEIGHTON INTERVIEW -

(As Newt and Milton continue to argue, you try to use your assistant skills and diffuse the situation. The camera moves from this scene to see Minister Parkinson walking in. He looks at the camera and makes a face that says 'what is going on here?'. The camera doesn't answer him so he instead walks over to the group and gets involved.)

Minister Parkinson: Alright, Alright you two, what is it this time?

Milton Leighton: ( His demeanor changes drastically and he smiles at Parkinson.) Minister, how are you this morning? It is just brilliant to see you gracing us with your presence.

Minister Parkinson: Okay okay Milton, get to the point. Why are we having a bit of a spat here?

Milton Leighton: Newt's niffler got lost again! Just look at my office.

Minister Parkinson: Awww come now Milton. He's just a cute little guy! Just charm your office clean, what's wrong with your wand, man!

Milton Leighton:(Milton seems defeated.) Yes sir. (He retreats back to his office and shuts the door.)

Minister Parkinson: Well I'm going to go make my rounds. Nice to see you survived your first encounter with Newt's mishaps, Ms. Y/L.

(Minister Parkinson nods to both of them and walks off down the hallway. Newt and you turn to each other and chuckle at all the crazy characters you had encountered. The camera follows you both into his office. He shows you to your desk and you begin to get comfortable. The camera zooms in on Newt, who for once isn't paying attention to the camera. Instead he is staring at you, with a small thoughtful smile peering on his face.)

-NEWT'S INTERVIEW-

Newt:(His head is tilted down slightly and he rubs his forehead with a single finger as a playful smile spreads across his face.) I think she's going to make a great addition to the office.

(The camera quickly flashes back to Newt starring at you as he quickly realizes how creepy he's being and automatically sits down as his own desk and begins working. The camera pans out to see Newt working and reading papers as you begin to unpack your box of belongings.)

-END OF NEWT'S INTERVIEW-

-End of First Episode-

Thank you so much for reading. I’m sorry if this seems rushed, but I wanted to get out the first episode and make sure I introduce all my characters so we can get to the story!! I look forward to hearing your responses for this episode and the series as a whole. Thanks everyone! xx 

Peace. Love. Chicken Grease.

[im-abanana]

“Caged Hearts” ch.6

Hey there, I finally finished this chapter as well! Hope you will like it, this is longer than the previous one... I think. :) Also, cliffhanger at the end, even if some of you will surely figure out what is happening there! 

Either way, enjoy! <3

AU belongs to @king-branch, credits to ‘em. uwu

It was utterly dark that night, only the beautiful, bright and full moon could light the houses' roofs a bit, the stars were like feeble flashlights, very far away, in a stormy evening. There was a sinister silence, it looked like no one was even breathing or moving in those long corridors; a quiet and scary atmosphere indeed, Poppy just wasn't used to this! No lullabies, no hugs, no goodnight kisses, nothing! She missed her beloved dad, her friends, she even missed the shop, that was the hell she was forced to call “home” back then.

The royal Troll had to admit it of course, where she was now the food was so much better, the water was always fresh, they had new toys to play with, they were well taken care of, she even had a potential umh... playmate? But it wasn't the same thing, not at all.

No matter how Poppy's life had improved, she simply wanted her family and old life back. She wanted it so bad, but as usual the decision wasn't hers.

Trolls were pets, nothing more.

What was the point of putting her with Branch, who didn't seem to be interested in conversations or bonding at all? Well, thinking about it with more attention... the Princess kinda knew why the Bergens did that, but she wasn't going to give in. Making pods with a perfect stranger, just to please those beasts?

Yeah, right! Not in a thousand years thank you, that totally crossed the line.

Inside the big cage she was sharing with the grumpy grey Troll, there was a comfortable, tiny bed with soft and scented pillows on top: the perfect place to get some sleep and rest her tired bones, right? Wrong, so wrong.

The pink female just couldn't sleep, she could perceive Branch's naked and fluffy back pressed tightly against hers, and Poppy wasn't going to lower her guard: anything could have happened, if she did! Alright, that bizarre survivalist didn't look like he was dangerous or aggressive towards his own kind, he just attacked or bit Bergens with disastrous results, but since their purpose there was creating new pods, the Princess was rightly uncomfortable in sleeping so close to him. For the first time in her life, Poppy didn't want to blindly trust someone and didn't feel guilty about it.

“Poppy, just sleep three seconds, will you!?” Branch groaned with a dead tired tone when he felt the girl shifting nervously between the warm sheets once again, for the tenth time that night. He tried not to curse, but that was starting to become kinda annoying: “If you don't hold still and let me rest in peace, I swear I'll push you off the mattress with a kick.”.

“You are very nice to new arrivals, aren't you?” Poppy harshly asked and rolled her magenta eyes a little, staring at the chipped wall in front of her with a deep frown. “What do you expect? I have just lost my home, my family and my whole life in a single day.”.

“Everybody here has lost someone important Poppy, not just you. Besides, that doesn't mean you must lay awake every night, thinking about it over and over and tormenting yourself forever, because nothing will change. Sometimes bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it.” the grey male replied quietly, a melancholy note could be recognized in his resigned voice as he opened his light blue eyes a litte. “Either we satisfy their request or we don't, it's the same thing. You and me are theirs, whether we like it or not, we can just plan an escape and run away from this hell. And, to be honest...” the survivalist added, sighing out a little and facing her with a plain expression. “I am not planning to satisfy their request. You can get sweet dreams next to me, Princess.”.

The royal Troll didn't reply to that cold phrase, but she internally repeated his wise words in her mind, hearing him snoring slightly just two seconds after their “conversation”, putting an end to it.

“Well... thanks for the chat...” the female rolled over, closing her magenta eyes and sighing out deeply, still too awake to sleep. Of course, Poppy knew they had to plan a big escape as soon as possible, but she also wanted to save ALL her subject in Bergen Town; pretty crazy, absolutely impossible, uh? I mean, how could two tiny, little creatures like them save dozens of Trolls all by themselves, opening all the cages, in every house, at the same time?

Maybe they needed help.

Alright, they definitely needed some help.

But who would have helped them? That was a good question...

Branch and Poppy were completely alone, isolated, locked in that dusty and smelly room all day long. And even if they had each other now, it wasn't enough. Two Trolls weren't a threat in front of a giant Bergen, and even if Branch could easily bite off a finger with his sharp teeth, the Princess didn't find that “quality” very useful right then. Or at all.

“There must be a way, there must be...” Poppy sighed out deeply, defeated, sinking her throbbing head into her fluffy pillow and starting to feel the tiredness embracing her slim limbs, and the knowledge of the difficult situation her people was into was tearing all her energies apart.

But what the Bergens didn't know was that the tiny, pink Troll was determinated. She would have never gave up on her family and friends, never. Their life was worth more than anything else in that broken world, and Poppy was going to fight for it, with or without Branch.

Yes, she was sure, somehow she would have saved them all, every single one!

“No Troll left behind.”.

“Poppy, pss! Poppy, Poppy, wake up! They are taking us somewhere! POPPY! Wake up, will you?!” Branch violently shook her smaller, sleeping body in the middle of a beautiful dream, full of cupcakes, parties and rainbows. The Princess could perceive excitement mixed with impatience in her partner's tone. “Poppy, they are moving our cage! We are outside, we aren't in the castle anymore!” he informed with scared and concerned eyes, but at the same time sniffing cautiously and admiring the thriving nature all around them. The smell of the tender grass, of the fresh water, of the moss and the trees... the survivalist's senses were completely awakened by now, and he just wanted to explore all around that zone, rest in the shadow or swim in the shallow water.

“My name is Bridget, I will take care of you... T-this is your new home...” a shaky and rather shy voice informed, before opening their prison with attention, making sure they wouldn't escape. Two plimpy hands grabbed them gently, and put the two samples inside a big, no GIANT cage, located inside that beautiful garden, that real paradise.

“This is our cage!? Really!?” Poppy happily shouted, the gate behind her shoulders closing in just a second, jumping around and smelling a tiny, scented blue flower in front  of her. “This is fantastic! Branch look, there is a small river, a cave, a small tree, rocks, bushes, everything we need to play hide and seek!” the female grabbed his chubby arm and dragged the male with her by force, after all he was still pretty insecure about it and guarded (“What it's all a mere trap!?”, “What if the food and water is poisoned!?”, “What if they wanna kill us!?”... yeah. Old, same Branch.), immediately exploring their new “house” together.

The grey Troll shifted his pointy and sensitive ears continuously, catching every sound of the amateur forest and feeling the soft grass under his bigger feet. “But why? We must be very careful and suspicious. Why did they bring us here? It doesn't make any sense, we already had a big cage.” he rightly considered, lifting a black eyebrow and looking at Poppy, who didn't seem to care at all about his hypothesis. Typical of her, not listening and believing that kindness, love and happiness could be found everywhere, with just a little help.

All of the sudden, Branch went wide-eyed when his light blue orbs spotted the collar he always had tied around his neck, since he was a little kid: it was... turned off? The red light that always shone intermittently on the left side of the object was now gone, meaning that damn thing was broken... or off. “Is it off? Broken? No, impossible, they would have fixed it already, I am far too rebel for their disgusting taste. W-what is happening, then? Are they leaving me alone with her, without controlling or torturing me? Why?”.

“Who cares!? Come on! Let's have fun, don't ruin it!” the pink, royal girl chirped happily, grabbing his hand and dragging him with her once again, heading straight for the fresh water. Poppy immediately jumped in, her soft hair wet and covering half of her slim and freckled face. “Come on grumpy guy, jump in as well! The temperature is just right.” she encouraged him, willing to play with him.

But the grey Troll was still staring at his non-functional collar, still on shore, shocked and almost hypnotized by the reassuring view. Never, never in his life he felt so... muddled, slightly scared, but also very relieved at the same time. He was... free. Free to swim in the water, to run in the grass, to roll in the soil, to climb on trees and... doing everything he wanted!

All of the sudden, Branch felt a pair of thinner arms wrapping around his shoulders, and the second after he found himself underwater, the fresh sensation all around his fluffy skin like a cold but satisfying hug. (*) The male swam to the flat surface, gasping for needed air and shaking the kinda freezing water off his body and wet, short hair. “Poppy! What the hell, are you nuts!? That was low, you can't just push people in the water, I might drown! And the water is cold, you lied!” he loudly complained, killing her with a single gaze and showing her his most successful grumpy expression, fixing his pants and leafy vest a little.

“Aww, com'on! You're no fun!” the Princess joked smugly, laughing with all her heart and throwing more water on him, on his face, eyes, body. Just to bother that poor survivalist more, indeed. “What are you gonna do about it, uh? Look, I am wetting yourself even more, scaredy-cat!”.

The boy snapped, going for Poppy with all his speed, willing to get a little revenge and shut her mouth. Of course, Branch made sure not to hurt or crush her too much, after all he was stronger and heavier than her.  

Jumping on the Princess and tackling, the two Trolls rolled over and fell gently backward, throwing water around franatically and then starting to chase each other, laughing (the grey sample less that her, of course), running in the river with some difficulty or in the tall fields, covering themselves in grass, dirt and algae (from the river).

Alright, Branch had to admit it, especially when Poppy, after five long minutes, finally got him, surprisingly pinned him down and forced him to surrender when she discovered his far-too-ticklish belly, using that particular feature against him without mercy: maybe, just maybe, life there could have been easier and even... nah, not happy. Happiness didn't exist.

Lifting his big head to look at her with rather outraged eyes, the survivalist's attention was immediately caught by a noise at first, but then by a few approaching figures, and he frowned with surprise and bursted out an uncertain: “You? What are you doing here?”.

(*) I swear to Heavens, I didn’t think about this when I wrote the scene, at first. XD

[chatshitgetbangedluv-blog]

10 weeks left and COUNTING oi oi.

Currently awaiting BURTH

Of my beautiful baby boy

I’m so proud!

I’m really feeling the aches and pains of pregnancy now. Most people have swollen ankles. Hiya fat fingers? How can I help?

To be honest I’m lucky because I’ve always had the tiniest fingers so they just look average but I can’t get my ring off and I just feel hot n fat and sweaty n chode. Literally that’s it’s. CHODE. Richmond’s finest.

I feel like the fat on the steak, the lard on your mums best potatoes and the SLOW sweat. You know when someone’s lost a lot of weight and their at their last bit. So close to target but it’s so SLOW and every extra rep is painful. I feel like that.

I also have sciatica lol, which has ended in a result of me walking funny and in pain when I walk which has also made my shoulder feel like it’s popped out of place where I’m compensating weight on to other parts of my body.

Like I love you my baby, but you are such a pain. And make my emotions so crazy. But you are going to be so worth it.

Never looked forward to labour so much in my life. Let’s get this gorgeous boy out now. If there was a button to press I would press it. Don’t care about the pain. I’m amazing. All us women are let’s do this shit as natural as I can. swear to god so driven now.

Don’t think there’s anything much worse than people who are ignorant to pregnancy. I’m glad your wife had a lovely pregnancy and your sister did horse riding till 3 weeks before she gave birth but come on guys we are seriously all different.

And I SO wish I could run, or jump or get up from the sofa easily lol, but I actually just can’t and that’s the truth. He sits so low on me that If I speed walk for longer than 20 seconds I get pain. Literally a joke. I feel like a pregnant Bridget Jones.

I promise you now. I would weight hand on foot on a pregnant woman if I knew they struggled. Especially emotionally as well as physically.

I know most of us women go through it and I’m not the only person pregnant and once your baby is here it’s all forgotten about but it’s not the easiest of challenges for some of us to go through.

I see us lovely ladies so differently. SO PROUD TO BE A WOMAN. Like once I’ve given birth I’m gonna be the sassiest little bitch in town. Look what I made I’ll be saying. Look @ what I did lol.

And so we should. We make humans ya’ll? No wonder people spread their love about their kids everywhere. Which used to piss me right off like yeah great, we get it Sally your kids gorge. I still pray I’m not going to be to EXTRA. And post my child’s life everywhere. Like there really is no need. The great and good things yeah. But the private things? I hope not. They are mine :) those moments are my things. My memories. Mine and my baby’s life. And I am way to posseive for people to know and let’s be honest people don’t really care.

Pregnant life

Over and out

[veronicatheslayer]

Furryous || Ricky and Veronica

Veronica and Ricky go to Flamming Mo’s.

Veronica was back in Flamming Mo's. Partially because she was not completely convinced that this wasn't actually a vampire hot spot. Not after everything that had happened with Marley. It was too much of a coincidence and she refused to believe that anything like this could have ​just​ been a coincidence. But as she moved into the club with Ricky (decidedly ​less​ drunk than the last time that she had been here. She was once more greeted by writhing bodies moving in time to a rhythm that was being blasted out of giant speakers. Moving to the bar, she ordered two drinks and handed one to Ricky. Normally she would have asked how his arm was doing, but she didn't think that this was exactly the place to just talk to someone. She could do that another time if she wanted to. "Come on!" she exclaimed, grabbing his hand and pulling him further towards the crowd, "Lets dance!"

If there was one thing Ricky knew how to do, it was how to dress for attention. Walking into the club with Veronica at his side, in a pair of low-riding skinny jeans and an artfully torn tanktop, he knew exactly how to work the gazes of the men around him to get what he wanted. For the first time in weeks, Ricky Cordero felt powerful again. He followed his friend to the bar, taking the mixed drink from her that steamed suspiciously and downing it in one swig before being dragged out onto the dancefloor by his companion. "Are you ready for this?" He shouted close to her head, to be heard over the racket that was deafening even to his hearing, "Broken arm or not I can still out dance anyone here!" This had been the welcome distraction he needed, a night out with no expectations from someone who knew exactly what he was and didn't require him to hide.

Though Ricky was possibly dressed slightly more revealingly than she was, ​Veronica​ liked to think that she looked good too. Wearing killer heels (literally, they were the Babineaux special, stakes on the bottom of her feet) and high waisted skinny jeans, she had completed her look with a black lace bralet and a denim jacket that she had had made specially for her. After last time she wasn't taking any chances and she'd managed to slip her brace of hand crafted silver daggers that Esme had given her for her fifteenth birthday. In fourteen years they hadn't ever served her poorly and they'd be perfect if anything happened here. She hadn't risked bringing anything else with her, she didn't want to get barred if this was a hot spot for vamps that she was unaware of. Laughing, Veronica danced along with her friend, though not nearly as well. "I don't doubt that, who knew that you could move this well in and out of the water!" she exclaimed while chuckling gently.

It was good to laugh again, and as Veronica complimented Ricky,  he couldn't help but tilting his head back and laughing as loudly as he could, "We're not! But dancing is just like swimming. So naturally... I excel!" They moved together to the music and Ricky waved away people who came to try to separate them, he was here with Veronica and he wasn't about to abandon her in the middle of the club just because some hunk wanted a thirty second grind-fest. "So!" He managed to get a word in edgewise in the slow build of a song, "Why'd you wanna come here with me? Surely our great protector has something better to do than slum it with us mere mortals."

Veronica smirked gently as they continued to dance. She was growing to enjoy the time she spent with Ricky more and more. He was funny, and generally an almost exclusively positive influence on her. "Of course you do!" she replied laughing once more, "tell me, is there ​anything​ that you don't excel at?" she was partially joking, everyone had weak spots. Though she had to admit she wasn't sure what Ricky's were. This was fun. She didn't have to worry about things, even if she was here to deal with vampires. But she didn't know whether it was because of the shadowy figure she'd encountered earlier or because of something else, but her vampire sense was still pinging off like crazy. Meaning that she had to do this like a normal person would, by sense. "I don't always have to be on duty," she replied with a shrug, "besides, sometimes I like to do normal things with my friends."

Ricky matched Veronica's luminous smirk watt for watt, putting his hand at an appropriate point in the small of her back as they danced, "Anything related to being smart, I can't draw for shit, I'm tone deaf as fuck which may be related to actually being mostly deaf, I can't cook well and I'm shit at relationships. There's a whole lot I'm not good at, actually." As one song closed and another began he pulled her off the dance floor and slid his credit card across the marble of the bar to the admittedly ​very​ attractive bartender. "Open a tab, please. I'll have a whiskey sour and whatever my gorgeous companion wants she can have." He leaned against the bar and surveyed the club around them, "So you picked your most abnormal friend to do normal things with? Not that I mind of course, any time spent with the glorious Veronica Babineaux is time well spent."

The best thing about being with Ricky, is whether or not it was true, he seemed to not have a care in the world. That made ​Veronica​ feel as if she didn't have a care in the world, even though right now it was getting closer to a hundred cares and she wasn't sure that there was anything that she could do about any of them. "Well academia really isn't all that important, especially in Ashkent Creek," she replied with a shrug, "besides, knowing you I would guess that you're simply being hard on yourself." She smiled gently as they moved through the crowd towards the bar. "Gin and tonic," she said to the barman who smiled and set about making their drinks. "You think you're my most abnormal friend?" she said with a smirk, "I wish that were true, I really do." Right now she was having a hard time deciding who her most abnormal friend was. Probably Deirdre, or Marley. Though she wasn't sure it was fair to call Marley abnormal and she wasn't convinced Deirdre was her friend either. "You're fun to hang out with," she said with a shrug, "I get increasingly glad that you pulled me out of the sea the more time we spend together." She didn't know why she was being so honest. Maybe it was because of everything that was going on around her.

As the bartender slid their drinks across to them Ricky picked up the sweating glass, sketching his initials in the moisture before holding it out to Veronica for a toast, "To friendships born of near death, and to being the hottest bitches in this club." there was another laugh as she slyly judged his ability to judge himself. "Hey now... I'm objective as fuck when it comes to my own weaknesses. There's a lot I'm phenomenal at... and then there's plenty I'm not so great at." He stuck his tongue out at her, "Well.... fine... I may not be the most abnormal... but I'm plenty abnormal." He thought of Quinn and how that revelation of his abnormality may have ruined that friendship for good, "I couldn't have left you there to die. It's a mortal sin that I should rob the world of such beauty as yours." He might not have been the most eloquent but when it came to flirting, fake or otherwise, he could turn a phrase. "I'm glad I amuse. Hanging out with you is always a nice distraction from the dreary day to day of my recovery."

Veronica smirked as she took her glass and clinked it gently against Ricky's. "You know, friendships like that are absolutely the best kinds of friendships!" she exclaimed with a bright smirk. "Plus we're definitely the hottest bitches in the club, as you so eloquently put it." Smiling gently again she had to admit that she wasn't sure that she believed him at all. But she decided that now was probably not the time to tell him that. "If you say so Ricky," she said, sipping gently at her drink. With everything that was going on she didn't want to be too drunk that she couldn't handle herself, yet she also wanted to have a good time. "Being normal is over rated," she said, almost wishing that she were telling the truth. Sometimes she wished that she and Bridget could just live a normal life. Without having to worry about Scribes, Vampires, Mermaids and all the other shit that was starting to become the norm within their lives. It felt as though the last year had been full of danger and she honestly wasn't sure that she knew how to cope with that long term, she was doing the best that she could but there was only so much that one person could take. "I appreciate it all the same," she said smirking gently. Though the smile disappeared as she heard a muffled scream in the crowd. Without thinking, she muscled her way through the crowd just in time to find someone hunched over, she could hear their bones crack and she could see fur sprouting allover them. Then she heard another groan of pain from the opposite side of the club.

It was turning into a night that Ricky had desperately needed. He'd been cooped up at home or at work or at school for so long, wallowing in the mire of his depression that he was starting to turn into something he didn't like. But here, with loud music and the company of Veronica's glittering smile he could feel the old Ricky coming back. Sort of. He was coming back different, changed into someone he hadn't been before. He wasn't sure if it was better or not but it was too early to tell. He didn't hear what put Veronica on edge, but he followed close behind her as she charged through the club, clearly on high alert, "V V V V V what's up where're we...." the sound of shattering bones sent a shiver down his spine and the sight of fur provoked an outburst, "WHAT THE COCKSUCKING FUCK IS THAT?!"

The first person to transform into what ​Veronica​ could only assume was a werewolf, reared onto its hind legs and let out a blood curdling howl before diving into the first person that it saw and tearing its throat out. Veronica reacted instantly. Her first thought was to get Ricky to safety. Pushing him backwards, she dodged out of the way of the werewolf. She didn't know what the hell was going on, but as another person collapsed and transformed, Veronica couldn't help but worry. This was the second time that something had gone awry in Flamming Mo's and she was starting to wonder if she was just cursed. "I think, that that was a werewolf," she said with a frown as she pushed Ricky out of the way of stampeding clubbers who were all heading for the exits and trampling over anyone who got in their way. She knew that something was wrong, if this was a werewolf they wouldn't have just transformed in the middle of a club? Unless they wanted to. She didn't know what was going on, but first priority had to be getting out of here alive. "Come on!" she said, her mind as focused as it had ever been. "We need to get out of this stampede before we get crushed!"

"Oh good. Werewolves. Because that's what my fucking week needed. Werewolves!" Ricky hit the ground hard as she pushed him away from the leaping wolf, clambering back up to his feet to rush back to her side, "Why the sweet baby Jesus fuck are there goddamn motherfucking werewolves in my favorite ​holy shit that dude just got his fucking throat ripped out​" They were close enough to the carnage for Ricky to feel the warm splatter of blood across his bare arms as Veronica goaded him into action. He reached for her arm and started to tug her towards the entrance with the crowd, surreptitiously removing his false teeth to leave his fangs ready for anything that might leap at them, "You know when I invited you out for drinks this was ​not​ what I had in mind."

Veronica slipped her hands inside of her jacket and drew the blades from the leather sheaths that were hidden within the folds of the denim. "Yeah well sadly Werewolves aren't my forte!" she replied, "but believe me this wasn't what I had in mind when I agreed that we should get drinks either!" she dodged out of the way of a werewolf who lunged at her and was about to flee from it when she realised that she didn't exactly have anywhere else to go. She would have given almost anything for her sword right now, but it wasn't as if she could change her circumstances so she would have to make the best of her situation. Leaping out of the way of another attack from the wolf, she slashed at it with her silver daggers, nicking its cheek with her blade and causing its flesh to sizzle. "Ricky!" she shouted as she dodged it's snapping jaws, "don't let them get you and don't let them bite you, head for the door behind the bar, I bet it leads to an exit out the back!" she had to roll to dodge the next attack, "Go! I'll hold this one off and be with you in a second!!!"

"Swear to god if a vampire shows up and this turns into some Twilight bullshit it's gonna be you that's Bella because my pretty ass is not going to fill that role." Ricky pushed humans out of the way and towards the exit as she watched Veronica fight her way through the increasing mob of hairy malconents. Watching her slash at a charging werewolf he put himself directly behind it so as it turned to charge at her again he bit down hard into its shoulder, tearing out a chunk of its flesh before pushing it back towards Veronica's flashing blades. "There is... literally no way... in a thousand Hells... that I'm leaving this club without you right next to me." He spat a gob of werewolf flesh out onto the floor and charged back towards his friend, "Your girlfriend is scarier than any werewolf. Get that A+ ass up, V-Babs. We're getting the fuck outta here."

Frowning gently, ​Veronica​ looked at Ricky slightly confused. "I've got to be honest!" she shouted, "I've never read or watched twilight so I don't get the reference and I'm not sure that this is the most appropriate time to be making i-" she cut her sentence short as she dodged out of the way of the werewolf again, slashing at it with her daggers and drawing blood. She had to admit that Ricky was impressive, even though he didn't have to do this -- at least not in the same way that Veronica felt she had to do this -- he still didn't leave when he could. "Fine!" she snapped as she drove her dagger through the eye of a werewolf and leaped over the bar, knocking a liquor bottle off and sending it smashing to the floor. "Wouldn't want you to get told of by Bridget," she said as she ducked down behind the bar as a werewolf came crashing into the spot she'd been stood a second ago.

Ricky ducked as Veronica vaulted over the bar, "you're not missing shit. It's a terrible series that glorifies stalking and borderline abusive relationships." He helped her to her feet as the werewolf came over the bar after them, smashing into the wall of liquor behind them. As it tumbled to the ground Ricky spun around, clunking it on the forehead with a bottle of champagne, "God bless well made glass." As it started to move again he took another chunk out of its bicep before kicking it in the knees to send it tumbling back to the ground, "She's terrifying so yeah if we could skip that I'd appreciate it." He felt for the handle on the door and twisted it, shouldering it open and beckoning, "I really don't want to have to tear someone's throat out so if we could get a move on I'd appreciate it."

Veronica drove her dagger through the skull of the werewolf with a savage thrust before following Ricky through the door. She considered jamming something into it to keep them from being followed, but decided against it. She didn't want to trap anyone in that slaughter house. "I've not heard good things about it and I wasn't exactly planning on reading / watching it believe me," she replied with a shrug, "Don't worry Ricky, I'm completely fine, you don't have to worry about me getting hurt or anything." She smiled gently before making it through the back room which was currently full of dirty glasses and out towards the back entrance that she knew was there. They just had to get to it.

Ricky watched, somewhat dispassionately, as Veronica plunged her blade into the beast's skull. He was getting pretty blasé about casual murder; which wasn't exactly something he was proud of. "Yeah it's utter fucking shit." He held his broad back against the door as a loud thump and snarl signified another beast trying to get through "There are way better books to read." A huff escaped his lips as Veronica navigated the room looking for the way out "listen Buffy. I do t care if you are the great slayer prodigy. In a room full of ravenous beasts I'm gonna worry." Another thump and a faint splintering was heard "okay we should really get the fuck outta here. Because I have Nixie claw scars on my back and I am not eager to get a matching werewolf set. And I really need to wash my fangs because werewolves taste like shit."

Raising an eyebrow gently, ​Veronica​ sighed gently and shrugged. "If I had time to read for pleasure then maybe I would try some of these better books, but things are really busy right now," she shrugged. It was sort of surreal, having a conversation about fiction whilst a giant werewolf tried to eat them just a door away. As she finally found the door that she assumed led to an exit, she had to stop herself from making a snide comment about how this was literally her job. That wasn't fair to Ricky. He was just trying to be considerate. Or at least that was what she assumed. "We'll be out of here in no time," she said with a shrug as she unbolted the door and slipped out into the night air just as the werewolf came crashing through the door they'd closed behind them. "Come on Ricky!" she exclaimed urgently.

Ricky didn't need anymore urging from his companion as he felt the door splinter at his back and ran pell-mell for the door Veronica was holding open. He felt the wind at his back as the werewolf clawed for him but he was out the door before it could make contact. "You know. We need to have better nights out together. This... the beach.... we're about to set a precedent of almost dying every time we're together and really I think that's going to put a damper on our relationship." He wiped blood from his mouth and looked across at Veronica, "You know if you ever do have time for reading I've got some you might like." His life was a strange melange of events... and he loved every minute of it.

Veronica slammed the door as Ricky ran through it. There was a heavy clunk as the werewolf slammed into it, but fortunately it seemed to be thicker than the previous door. "We should probably get going," she said, wiping sweat from her forehead and shivering slightly in the cold night air. "We don't always have brushes with death, when we met at Big Al's there was no near death experiences, so what two times out of three?" she said with a shrug. "We should just do something that couldn't ​possibly​ go wrong. Perhaps something like afternoon tea, people don't usually try to kill me until the sun goes down." She sighed gently as she began walking away from the club, slipping her daggers back inside her jacket as she watched people leave the scene with various injuries. "I had fun until the killing started though," she said. It wasn't a complete lie, but she had enjoyed the fight for their lives too.

It was with nothing short of satisfaction that Ricky listened to the very loud thud that came from the werewolf running into the solid iron door. "We definitely probably should. I'm sorry this wasn't the great night out we had planned. However. There will be more nights and we can do that and not get killed on those nights out!" Dispassionately looking down at the blood spatter on his tank top he shrugged and dug his keys out of his pocket, "I had fun too! I always have fun with you, Veronica. Death battles or not. Do you want to try another bar? Or are you barred out for the night."

Veronica sighed gently and really wished that she could try another bar. But she needed to check in with her siblings and Bridget before she could even go home. "I'm sorry Ricky," she said sadly, "I would really love to, but I need to check in with several things before I can even go home to get changed, let alone go back out. So rain check?"

Ricky pulled a deep and exaggerated bow, kissing Veronica's hand dramatically. "For you, auburn princess of the stake and sword, you can have as many rain checks as your heart desires." He clicked the fob on his keychain to start his car remotely and held out an arm to escort Veronica, "Well let's get you to your duties and me to home and we'll try this again sometime soon. With less blood and hair in my fangs."

[mihenna]

Getting Henna Tattoos! :)

Just constantly it does not mean it's edible that's not what synonymously ok what do you think we're doing no alright here's the clue though don't worry this is only a little permanent what this is only a little permanent like a piercing like how we're going to bury Valley but Holmes done what do you think I mean like most of the stuff we do isn't permanent this is making me nervous what it was henna.

Okay here's the thing I feel like you always know what we're doing no you're guessing correctly I don't know but I mean okay I can see us doing henna how do you even do henna I don't know well I guess we're going to find out soon enough what saw way but it's a panel we need to get you're getting it like the hand thing like face tattoo probably taking a horse house on a face tattoo should we get matching ones should we get like best friends get prune oh my gosh no jokes aside what is what I got something like you know like Rihanna's Texas oh and like the under-17 pudendal show during Coachella cos I didn't see through top like my boob otherwise it out to worry about it hand ones are cool though I mean it's again if it even is henna.

Honestly there's so many this fist show continues to surprise and I can't read good smell but it could be a really high flash tattoo they have ones that last for three weeks now do that yeah they do and it's not I didn't know that that was a fish yeah and I would love to get like maybe like a lion across my whole like upper half of my back garden or something hi Jocelyn Sergio yeah welcome to the round here house thank you I love you here thank you I love both of your hair yeah here we go so today I'm gonna get something on oh my god you were right about the blue a little bit how to be self it loo blue aqua nice to meet you.

We're so excited I've always wanted to do this oh my god and you look so cool oh thank you very much so cool food do you have any henna happening I did actually on my hand have a lot of 36 hours saying henna actually takes 48 hours to get to its most mature stage did you do that on your help yes Wow I was around somebody to go through the getting it oh my god back and usually do the other end oh I can clean so she's a magician is when you are a creative magician ya know I just get bored cause you know I can't really overly have as much space or wanting elevate and all you did my legs do my hand weight-bearing it all of it how long is this going to last I'm about seven to ten days on the hand it tends to go a little faster doing okay wash your hands okay I do have a question yes you have it on your hand yeah did people get it anywhere else yeah I like about a whole body oh yeah Ola henna doctor yeah oh my god I haven't done one of those but yeah people do like especially in like Indian ami marriage like Oh Riedel Henna's I get it all up great everywhere.

So what do you say well we put on the hammock house I just kind of freaks out I'd like more florally type stuff I can give you something like that if you want more like a jewelry style like glove style tea as I do if they're like a standard go-to style for most channel create my own style a little bit I feel like listen I've known you for five minutes but can already tell you're way cooler than me for sure so like anything you want to do is gonna plus me up I shoot I pick cool that we want to be exactly but we just try really hard instead I mean your name is Blu and blessings oh all right so did you know what you wanna do is wonderful just like hold on there's my vibes girl for it whatever you want to do I trust you more than myself for sure cubed I mean anything whatever she wants don't do that okay oh there what you're thankful it feels like it's going to be very therapeutic to watch it actually is it's there Peter to watch and do and it smells good.

Oh yeah what is this stuff anyway when is kinda it's a plant it's like a farm it's a plant called henna they try the leaves and then they make it into a powder and then you make it into a cake and this one's been fused with essential oil so like lemongrass and argan oil I mean they look like that cuz I know that it's like a crossing yes I've always want to try frosting cakes oh my god no way I feel like you'd be really good at decorating that right and this is plant-based which obviously needs was edible have you ever tried it not on purpose and also just because it does not mean it's edible that's not what's anonymous a little either blonde again where I guess about I guess to Shane it's actually going to start getting cold it's gonna have like a menthol the effect it does I can feel it's like a little mold the way that I processes it takes some take the heat from your skin and that's how it actually process really our friend Mari that you also did her henna tattoo.

Hmm she has had two incidents now that it's definitely not your fault it's purple but she went to sleep and slept on her hand and then it's transferred to her face she actually got something different is called shag wood table so let me tell black henna tattoo hot black henna doesn't really exist there's something called a goal which is like a safe 100% all-natural alternative to it and what it is it's a fruit from the Amazon so what they do is I collect this fruit that's like on the floor they turn it into a juice and then turn into a gel and it goes on like Henna but it comes out black oh that's cool but the only thing is that was Henna when it first falls off you're going to have like an orange pumpkin any color same but with Jaguar you don't have a stain for the first 24 hours like it's not there.

So if you go and fall asleep on your hand or something it's still transferable even though you can't see it so everything is like clear it's like clearing then the next morning we gotta sound like black dad I don't know when you're doing it because it looks like this you know that get off and then they're like oh yeah that'll cool so we're not going to wake up with this on her yeah though you will be totally fine as long as you let it dry then you're cool you ever find like I don't have any tattoos you ever find that people do a cable you try to follow me so that I can see if I like it and then they'll kind of you have to do it henna or I recommend people told you that I hate will be we're like oh like do like my grandma I'm like I can't do a portrait but not know so what is inspiring so far.

I love what's happening over here but what how would you describe you guys we either I feel like you really get me out all right last three dots and then we're done then we can read odd oh my god I'm so good this is look at my pinky fingers shaking it's so overjoyed and doesn't know what to do this is so cool Holmes I let it dry just honestly let it stay on as long as you've handled on rxa is the better okay like I do until you can't take it anymore the flooded one starts falling off if you're annoyed with it then you can go inside off is it all appealing thing it's gonna be fine under dance I understand well your turn I guess okay bye as you wander like flowers or more like a actually I'm gonna go I'm gonna do it okay yeah you know best.

Okay cool I was live one almost oh dear do your final dot is lopsided no it wasn't even lopsided I really would like oh my gosh well and we like anything oh look I love the best like we automatically go to like Beyonce it's really cool honey is ready to Beyonce for not being at Coachella oh my gosh oh my god you like it that looks so rad genius thank you.

Okay well I guess we're all done it's going to be crazy to figure out how we're getting home I'm a little nervous I told you I'm messing my nails what's the season thank you so much you around Genta thank you y'all have fun of Coachella and you be careful especially because they're still wet give me a two foot radius on enough weight like this goodbye thank you for being here today special prison sorry yes I like you careful okay I'm sliding into the car okay it's all right we're gonna help what did you offer that I already don't know what I did you need oh no this is what they don't warn you about I were not allowed to do this kind of I can get okay.

Okay hold on now we protect it okay oh my gosh Wow friendship oh gosh the coffee my Bridget goals achieved well I got a little she said it was okay that it's it she said it's bound to get messed up a little bit she was so cool you know very cooler than anyone else I could aspire to be that effortlessly cool so you guys if you're ever in the Long Beach or LA area hit her up blue is amazing she makes house calls she does hey countdown to 2018 y'all ever thanks for reading nice bye guys leave a wave like this hey going to love towards Rylan and I get our skin probed or click to the right to watch our MTV Movie Awards version at dirty laundry.

[blogobot5000]

Swipe Left

By Bridget Hoarty and Erin E. Forgay

Lights: CLEO, EVE, BONNIE and GWEN enter. They were on their way to for a night out when one of them, CLEO, was hit on by someone outside and is very annoyed about it. This launches a whole conversation for what is our play.

CLEO: Was that guy FOR REAL? HONESTLY! I feel like every time I wear this fucking outfit some asshat cat calls me. (Mimicking) “Where you off to gorgeous? Can I come along? What’s your number?” Ugh!

GWEN: So seedy.

CLEO: It always just bugs me so much.

EVE: What a way to ruin the start of girls night.

CLEO: Why do men suck?

BONNIE: They don’t all suck… (CLEO gives BONNIE a pointed look and an eye roll) What! I’m just saying… I mean if there’s guys out there like Clyde… then he can’t be the only one! And he’s pretty great. He’s wicked sweet… (Dreamily) did I tell you the other day he brought me flowers and my favorite cider? Just because! He said he saw it in the store and he thought of me and he remembered how much I love this cider and how it’s not always easy to find and so he picked it up for me and wanted to surprise me… I feel so lucky.

CLEO: Gross. It’s just the honey moon phase… and like all moon phases, it’ll go away, Bonnie.

BONNIE: Why are you so bitter?

CLEO: I’m not bitter. I’m realistic… (Beat) No… I mean I am happy for you, Bons, I am. It’s just like…

BONNIE: (Cutting her off) Aw Cleo! You are?!

CLEO: I mean, I guess.

BONNIE: You guess?

GWEN: (Covering) We just don’t want you to get hurt!

CLEO: And I’m skeptical of almost every person.

MAN: Hey ladies! How are we doing tonight?

All at once: CLEO: Fine! ​BONNIE: Doing well, thanks! ​EVE: Hi

GWEN: (To ���MAN’ who appears as our bartender/waiter throughout the night) Four please?

MAN: You got it. Right this way. (They walk to their table)

BONNIE: I need a drink. Not only was work a fucking NIGHTMARE but my aunt broke her foot and I’ve had to go over and help her give her elderly cat this medicine and she’s wanted to claw my eyes out every time.

EVE: When it rains, it pours

BONNIE: Well it feels like a hurricane!

GWEN: So dramatic.

BONNIE: Thank you. (Beat) At least Clyde was there to cheer me up… he’s just the sweetest-

CLEO: We get it.

BONNIE: What’s your deal? You haven’t even met him and you are like – already, like, totally hating on him.

CLEO: I’m just a little annoyed at the male sex at the moment. Nothing personal.

EVE: Well, if it helps you feel any better I got hit on at the gas station the other day.

CLEO: It does not but I still want to hear this story. (They’ve made it to their table and settled in at this point)

MAN: (Friendly and awkwardly, he’s heard their conversation and does not want to be caught in the crossfire) Waters to start?

EVE: Please.

GWEN: So, what happened at the gas station? Is that what your Facebook status was all about?

EVE: Oh, yeah. So I pulled up to the gas station and there was an attendant there. And he started talking to me and I was just being myself-

CLEO: So, too nice?

EVE: No! (They all give her a look) Okay! I mean I was just TALKING to him! Like a person! Is that a crime?

GWEN: (matter of fact) It’s an in for men to be creepy

EVE: And… yeah he wanted my number. And at first I was like ‘hah hah hah... oh stop’ and did not really want to give it out because he was being weird - and then things did get weird after I had told him ‘no thanks’ and he stood in front of my car and would not get out of the way until I gave it to him.

CLEO: Woah!

BONNIE: What the-

EVE: Maybe in a certain light… it could be romantic?

GWEN: Eve, that is NOT romantic. That is like Noah in The Notebook where he lets go of the ferris wheel with one hand and is hanging on with the other until she says she’s gonna go out with him- that shit is next level!

EVE: Aw – but I like The Notebook –

GWEN: Not the point!

MAN: Alright, so! What can I get you gals to drink?

BONNIE: Whiskey, neat

CLEO: Snakebite special, to start-

GWEN: A glass of the house red, thanks.

EVE: A Washington Apple martini, please. (MAN leaves. They all give her a look) What! It’s good!

CLEO: (Referring to bartender) Who says gals?

GWEN: Cut him slack. Not his head off.

CLEO: No promises.

GWEN: I actually got hit on at a gas station too…

BONNIE: For real?

EVE: When was yours?

GWEN: Well… it actually happened twice. One time I was getting my inspection sticker and, well I had never been to that specific gas station before. When I pulled up the only place to really go to the gas pump, which was full service. The guy there, he was probably about sixty or sixty five, he came over and asked…

MAN: (Every time MAN appears as a different person he should change something about his appearance, voice, stance, etc to note the change) Do you need some gas?

GWEN: Which, I did, so I told him yes but I also would like an inspection sticker, too. And so I’m telling him this as he’s pumping gas into my car…

MAN: Yeah, it’s a pretty good job. I like working here, not too bad. Especially on a day like today, it’s beautiful out today.

GWEN: Yeah! It’s nice that the sun is finally coming out. So glad it’s spring.

MAN: And I live right up the hill there, so I can walk to work… not a bad deal!

GWEN: No! Not at all. Must suck in the winter, though.

MAN: Oh it’s not to bad. Yeah… (looking her up and down) Not at all.

GWEN: Yup.

MAN: So, what’s your name?

GWEN: (To girls) … and I thought I could use my fake name-

BONNIE: You have a fake name?

GWEN: Yeah, Jen, but then I realized I couldn’t since I had to pay with my card… and I didn’t want to say a completely different name that wasn’t on my card because I didn’t want to be like arrested for fraud or something. So I had no other choice but to… (to MAN) Gwen.

MAN: Larry. Nice to meet you Gwen. You’re all set. Just bring your car on up over here and then we’ll get that sticker for ya. (He winks and walks away)

GWEN: (Cringing) Thanks. (to girls) So I wheeled my car up to their garage and hung around while it was serviced and then a bit later they were all “your car is ready!” … I went into pay for the sticker. And there was this other man in front of me who was buying TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS worth of scratch tickets. It was impressive. So impressive that when it was my turn good ol’ Larry wanted to talk to me all about it.

MAN: Can ya believe it! Two hundred dollars worth of tickets!

GWEN: (Slightly hesitant, not as friendly as before) Yeah- That’s what some people like to spend their money on!

MAN: I know some big scratchers but WOA. (Chuckles) Are you big into scratch tickets?

GWEN: Oh… no, not really. I mean, a lot of my family is. My grandfather would be impressed with that guy.

MAN: Yeah- my family are big scratchers. My cousin won a couple hundred recently. Lucky him!

GWEN: Oh.

MAN: Yeah! (Chuckle) So… will the sticker be all?

GWEN: Yup… just the sticker.

MAN: Just the sticker! (Taking time to ring her up) So… what does a young lady like you do for work?

GWEN: Oh, um - I’m a teacher.

MAN: A teacher, huh? Wish I’d had a teacher like you.

GWEN: (Awkwardly laughs) Oh, heh, yeah- It’s a good job… I mean, I like it. (Finishing transaction)

MAN: Yeah… (Leaning in) and you’re very beautiful ya know. Will I see you back around here again?

GWEN: I’m not sure- goodbye! (Grabbing receipt and rushing away, back toward the girls) I don’t think I could get out of there quickly enough. It got real weird, real quick.

BONNIE: I don’t blame you.

GWEN: And then there was this other time where I was at the gas station right before the freeway, and I went into the store to buy tampons and mints, the sexiest of gas station products.

CLEO: Naturally.

GWEN: The guy behind the counter was nice- he commented on my shirt:

MAN: Hey! Nice shirt! Boulder Colorado! I love it there!

GWEN: (Charismatically) Oh! Thank you! (Laughs) I’ve actually never been - I just have the shirt!

MAN: Well it’s a neat shirt! You should check it out if you ever have the chance. It’s a great place.

GWEN: (Enjoying the conversation) Thank you- yeah! It’s on my list for sure- I’ve heard really great things. I’d love to go.

MAN: Because it’s a great place! Well you’re all set-

GWEN: Thanks so much.

MAN: Have a great day, gorgeous.

GWEN: And that echoed as I left the store. This dinky little gas station. “Have a great day, gorgeous.” (Echo sound effect for the word ‘gorgeous’ to repeat multiple times before GWEN continues) It just felt so seedy and made my skin crawl. How could one word completely change a whole conversation? It ruined my day, honestly. There I was … I was coming from work… I was all sweaty from spending most of the day in the hot sun, cause, summer camp, ya know? And all I wanted was some gas, some mints, and TAMPONS, to go about the rest of my Friday afternoon. And, I generally like people, so if someone is chatting with me, I like to chat back!

CLEO: Mistake number one.

GWEN: And he ruins the whole conversation with one word: gorgeous. (Optional: A second echo sound effect for the word ‘gorgeous’ to repeat multiple times before GWEN continues) (GWEN cringes) I didn’t even fully process it until I was out the door. Part of me wanted to storm back in… (Going back into the scene, to the attendant) WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? Why would you go and ruin a completely pleasant conversation? What are you even trying to accomplish by saying that to me?! Do you think it was flattering because it was certainly not flattering!

MAN: Woa woa! I was just trying to be nice.

GWEN: Well try again! OR

MAN: Are you yelling at me for complimenting you?

GWEN: I’m yelling at you for going about it in a weird way. OR WORSE:

MAN: (Calling police) Yeah, there’s a crazy lady on her period here attacking me in my store.

GWEN: (Offended) FUCK YOU! (Composing herself, deadpan) None of that happened though. (Beat) I didn’t go back in. I just got into my car. And left. I told Beth about it. We had just started dating then. And she didn’t really get it at first either - she was like ‘but you are gorgeous’ which … thank you, I’m glad you think so. I’m glad anyone might think so. I can take a compliment… or try to. But there is a difference between someone hitting on you and being a creep and being genuine and complimenting you. And that guy at this gas station took a pure moment. A fun, light conversation between two people and just turned it on its head.

BONNIE: Right! People can say stuff without laying on the moves. Like one time, I was with Laney at the mall and we were walking around some store. She was trying on shoes and I was just killing some time doing my thing, when a store worker walked by-

MAN: (Walks by, does a double take a GWEN, and is genuine and kind) Excuse me, miss, you are very, very pretty. Very pretty!

BONNIE: Aw, thank you!

MAN: You’re welcome.

BONNIE: See! That’s completely different.

GWEN: COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! Even last week, I was out at a bar with some coworkers- it was loud, karaoke night, and I decided to head out a bit early, it had been a crappy day and I just wanted to go home, you know? And as I walked out, there was this woman who tapped me on my should and told me she thought I was really pretty. I said thank you, we smiled, I left –

CLEO: (Raising eyebrows playfully at GWEN) And was she pretty too?

GWEN: (Blushing) Nothing would have happened-

EVE: That is sweet, though.

GWEN: It was-

MAN: (Breaking mood, as servers do at times) ALRIGHT! (Serving) We got one snakebite special, glass of red wine, a Washington apple and a whiskey - anything else for you ladies?

CLEO: We’re all set for right now, thanks.

MAN: I’ll be back in a few to check on you.

EVE: (Picking up conversation) Right. It’s like.... Well. You ever just … well has anyone ever said something to you – like they are hitting on you… but you have no idea why they would think that’s a way to someone’s heart?

ALL: (In unison) Yup.

BONNIE: Almost like they’re propositioning you!

CLEO: Or just want sex?

GWEN: Sometimes it’s hard to know what they want at all.

EVE: Even if you ask them.

GWEN: (Emphasizing) Even if you ask them!

EVE: Right! Like … like that one time- remember, at the casino? (Gesturing to CLEO) Remember?

CLEO: (She remembers) Yup.

EVE: We were just relaxing … having a drink, right? In the lounge of the new casino out near Springfield and this dude comes up to us…

MAN: Hey ladies, how are we doing?

CLEO: (Aside) He said ladies but really, he only had eyes for her.

EVE: And he was wearing an Oriels cap which, first of all: why? But I made a joke – well, I was being friendly –

CLEO: Always a mistake.

EVE: I was! What was I gonna do?! (In scene) Are you from Baltimore?

MAN: Well, no – I wear this cap because it’s my luck. I got it with some family and was wearing it the first time I won a round of cards – I was fifteen-

GWEN: Oh, jeez.

MAN: And I’ve worn it every day since. No one in my family is from Baltimore, really. But, I decided I’d wear it. I found it earlier that night and my brother dared me to wear it home, Joey – he can be such a dick- but it was a dare so I did it. Ma wanted to wash it “At least rinse it” she said – cause it was a little yellow and smelled like puke. But dare rules! I couldn’t wash it! And good thing! I won my first round that night and here we are… (beat)

[rachelbrosnahanweb]

New Update has been published on Rachel Brosnahan Web

New Post has been published on http://rachel-brosnahan.org/2018/07/31/press-video-rachel-brosnahan-channels-beyonce-for-the-standup-scenes-in-the-marvelous-mrs-maisel/

Press/Video: Rachel Brosnahan Channels Beyoncé For the Standup Scenes in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

From the time when Rachel Brosnahan first showed up on our screens as Midge, the 50’s housewife-turned-standup comedian in the Amazon series The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, to when she won the Golden Globe in January for her breakthrough performance, the actress has seemed a natural for creator Amy Sherman-Palladino’s quick-fire one-liners. Which is why it’s a little surprising to hear just how terrified Brosnahan was of her turn to comedy after appearances in deadly serious dramas like House of Cards. Here, catch up with the Emmy nominee as she explains why she some of that Sasha Fierce courage whenever she has to go onstage on Mrs. Maisel, the second season of which is still in production.

Do you remember a time when you did not want to be an actress?

No. There was never a time when I didn’t want to be an actress, I don’t think. Maybe when I was an infant, but probably still then also.

Were you a theatrical child?

I was kind of a shy kid, actually. I read a lot. I had my face in a book all the time, but I had a big imagination.

What was the first job you auditioned for?

My first audition ever was for a voiceover for a rehab facility in central Illinois. I did [book it].

Was there an audition for the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?

There was definitely an audition; there were a few of them. The first one was pretty standard. I came in for just a casting director in a small room not completely unlike this one that I’m in now, and read a couple of scenes. And then a couple weeks later, I went out to L.A. to read with/for Amy [Sherman-Palladino] and Dan [Palladino] and our L.A. casting director Jeanie Bacharach.

And did you dress the part a little bit?

A little bit. I tried not to. I can’t really do my own hair and makeup, so anything in that department was kind of a disaster. But for my first audition, I think I wore this little yellow shirt that I thought was adorable but then they asked me to change for my second audition. [Laughs.] So, it wasn’t as adorable as I thought.

How much do you think the costumes are apart of the character in Mrs. Maisel?

The costumes are a huge part. Midge’s outer appearance is something she takes an enormous amount of pride in, something that makes her feel good and gives her a purpose. It’s the first thing the world sees and it means a lot to her. The costumes are huge on our show and our costume designer Donna Zakowska is a freaking crazy genius lady and everything that falls out of her brain is more brilliant than the last thing. She just continues to outdo herself, and it’s become such an important part of the show, and of this woman.

Do you have to wear a girdle?

I have to wear a corset, but fun fact about the corset: I used to wear a corset that was called the Krakowski because it had originally been designed for Jane Krakowski. And this season, now we have the Brosnahan, which was designed in Paris when we went out to shoot there for a little bit. So I have my very own corset now. I’m in the big leagues. [Laughs.]

How does it feel? Has it changed your posture, your body?

Yeah, at first, when we first started shooting the first couple episodes of the first season, I felt like I couldn’t think about anything but the fact that I was in a corset. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t eat. And I got used to it over time, which is sort of disturbing but also great.

And then, this season, with the new one, it’s a little bit different than the former corset. I like it, it’s supportive and… I’m not wearing a corset to make me smaller. I’m wearing a corset to slightly change the shape of my waist to match the 1950’s. So, the clothes in the 50’s, the waist was a little bit lower than it was in the 40’s and my natural waist is kind of high, so that’s the reason I have a corset on. But I do find it changes the way I stand and sit and walk. And between the corset and the petticoats and the tights and these beautiful, beautiful costumes, and hair and makeup, I feel completely transformed when I walk out of the trailer. That’s my favorite part about being an actor—it always has been. And I’m so lucky to be on a show where I get to do that so completely every day.

Were you nervous about doing the comedy?

Was I nervous? [Laughs.] I’m still nervous every single day. Comedy is horrifying, it’s absolutely terrifying, it’s the worst thing I could possibly imagine anyone doing to themselves. And by the same token, it’s the most thrilling and most exhilarating and most bold and brave thing I could possibly imagine. I can’t claim to have ever really experienced what it’s like to do stand up, because real stand up, you’re out there as yourself and you’re pouring your soul out, or some part of your soul out, for a laugh. And on our show, I don’t have to be me, I’m playing a character.

But she’s pouring her soul out.

She is, yeah, but the lines are written for me. The brilliant jokes are written for me—but it’s still horrifying. It’s stage fright like I’ve never experienced, but one of the cool things about the show is that I get to grow along with Midge on this journey towards becoming a comedian.

I’ve learned a lot through the process, too, alongside her about somethings that Susie says to Midge about listening to an audience and responding with your audience and looking out at the crowd and really taking them in and the way that you carry yourself on stage—the way you walk, when you pause.and I’m learning a lot about the more technical side as we go on.

Do you think you’d ever go up and do stand up on your own?

Absolutely not. Nope. No, no, no, never. No, there are a whole host of things I’d rather do … No. [Laughs.]

But when you do it, do you feel you’re channeling something when you’re onstage doing the stand up scenes? Because they’re very interesting.

Really, I get to channel Midge but it feels like a little bit of a Sasha Fierce thing, you know? I do a lot of power posing in my dressing room in my corset and petticoats by myself, sort of trying to draw the confidence from somewhere. But yeah, it’s so cool, and I get to have so many scene partners in those scenes. Our background actors who are in the club with me, they’re extraordinary. They give everything to me while I’m up on stage and they are equally a part of those scenes either succeeding or falling flat and I’m eternally grateful for every new group of actors we have in those scenes.

So, growing up, what was your favorite TV show?

These answers are going to be very highbrow, but I really loved the Rugrats. I also really loved—there was this show on Noggin called Ghostwriter, and I loved it. It was about a bunch of kids my age solving mysteries. It was like a lot of the books I loved to read.

Did you have a favorite film?

[Laughs.] I really loved Austin Powers.

Your parents let you watch it? How old were you?

Too young, maybe. My dad really loved Austin Powers and… This is so silly, but I have such fond memories of watching Austin Powers with my whole family in the living room. My dad, because my brother and I were maybe a little on the young side, anytime they said bad words or something inappropriate, my dad would sort of go [clears throat] through the whole thing. He just loved it. Couldn’t get enough.

When did you tell your parents you wanted to be an actress?

Formally, probably when I was about 17. Right at that point where you’re in school and everybody starts talking about the SATs and the ACTs and where you want to go to college, and I think that was when I really realized I didn’t have any other interests, or any other viable job options.

Well, you were only 17.

That’s right, yeah. It’s so hard to know… It’s still so crazy to me that at 17 you’re supposed to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. But I think I was pretty certain about it then, and here we are now. It’s working out okay. [Laughs.]

Who was your cinematic crush then or now?

Oh gosh, now I have so many. Colin Firth. I love Colin Firth. I’ve never seen Mamma Mia, but I loved him in Bridget Jones’s Diary, Pride and Prejudice. And I mean, Frances McDormand is my forever screen crush.

When you were little, who did you have a crush on?

Well, I had kind of obscure taste. Fred Durst. From Limp Bizkit. Yeah, yeah, I had a poster of him that I ripped out of J-14 above my bed. I dug him. [Laughs.]

So you were a bit of a head banger as well?

No, no. I just think I thought he looked cool.

You liked tattoos?

I still love tattoos. I loved tattoos then, I still love them now. I don’t have any, though. There’s still time.

What was the first album you ever bought?

I think the first album I ever bought … Was Samantha Mumba too late? When was Samantha Mumba? I really loved Samantha Mumba. I wish I could remember any of her songs now, but I can remember exactly what the cover of her album looked like. I think that probably was the first CD I bought with my own money. The cover of her album was orange. She had a great outfit on it, that’s all I remember. I remember holding that CD and I kept it with me for such a long time. It meant a lot, the first one you buy yourself with allowance or babysitting money.

Definitely.

I also had a lot of, you know, Backstreet Boys, Aaron Carter, 98 Degrees.

No NSYNC?

I was a Backstreet girl, no NSYNC. That felt like sacrilege. You can’t like them both.

What is your karaoke song?

Well, singing scares the f—ing living daylights out of me, so I don’t karaoke much. “I Will Always Love You” [by Whitney Houston] is really good and gets better the drunker you are. I love “Open Arms.” Journey’s always good. The Spice Girls. Oh, that was another album. I had all the Spice Girls albums. That’s a good karaoke song. Also gets better the drunker you get.

Most karaoke gets better the drunker you get.

That’s true. You get fearless.

Exactly. And where was your first kiss?

Oh my God. My first kiss was… Well, I don’t count this one, but my first actual kiss was in an Embassy Suites hotel room. My cousin and I met some boys and we were playing truth or dare and we sort of had a weird quick little kiss, but I don’t count that one. My first real kiss was in a slide on a playground with a boy that I liked when I was about 12 or 13.

That’s so cute.

We were in the middle of it. We managed to stop somehow in one of those big, tubular slides. It was very cute. It was yellow.

Wow, how romantic. Did he become your boyfriend?

No. [Laughs.] It was just a little crush. I was too young to have a real… I guess, now you’re not too young, but I felt too young then to have a real boyfriend. He was my sort of just my crush, and we kissed a little. I never told anyone that.

What’s your favorite Halloween costume you’ve ever had?

Well, so on the Austin Powers theme, when I was in fourth grade, I went as Vanessa Kensington.

No.

Yeah, and my mom made the costume for me. It was silver and had a little halter neck and some boots, some knee-highs. And I had my hair in like a cute little bump. People had no idea who I was. Nobody has any idea, I was explaining it all day long. It was epic, though.

Source: W Magazine

[dailyaudiobible]

06/28/2018 DAB Transcript

2 Kings 13:1-14:29, Acts 18:22-19:12, Psalms 146:1-10, Proverbs 18:2-3

Today is the 28th day of June. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian. It’s great to be here with you today. As we prepare to take the next step forward. And we've taken quite a few steps and they have led us to this point and we’ll keep taking steps until we get all the way to the end of the year and the end of the Bible. We’re reading from the God's word translation this week. And the next step is the one after the last step. So, we’ll pick up where we left off yesterday. Second Kings chapter 13 and 14.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word. We thank You for the thread that it has become in our lives, the constant that is in our days, leading us, directing us, transforming us, and counseling us. And we take the Council that we found in the Proverbs today, not to just talk to hear ourselves talk, not to just have an opinion about everything, that that is actually foolish. Come Holy Spirit into that. Help us to be people that are thoughtful before we speak. In Jesus’ name we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, it's where you find out what’s going on around here.

And it's the Daily Audio Bible long walk that's coming up on the calendar. That's next. And that takes place on 7th of July, which is a week from this Saturday. And it’s a day…it's just little tradition we have around here. We’ve been doing it for over a decade now. Every 7th of July we just all go somewhere beautiful. All of us who can carve out a few hours or a whole day to go for a long walk to disrupt the normal flow of things and go somewhere beautiful and just listen, listen to nature, talk to God, be uninterrupted, be unhurried, and be unhurried in his response, listening, walking with him. And we do this, obviously, individually, because we’re all over the world but what makes this a community experience is that we just say, wherever you go, whatever you do, capture it, capture it for yourself by taking a picture or little video or whatever. And you can post that back to the daily Audio Bible Facebook page, facebook.com/dailyaudiobible, and then we get to participate by just looking into these little windows, these little pictures that we've taken and be in each other's long walk. And it's a beautiful thing. So, make plans for that on the 7th of July. It’s a Saturday this year. It’s not obviously always a Saturday, but this year it is, which makes it simpler for our schedules. So, plan to participate in the Daily Audio Bible long walk this year. If you've done it for years, then you're looking forward to it as I am. If this is your first year even considering it, then, well, think about it. What good would it do for your soul to take a day out of your crazy schedule and walk with God? What might that mean to your inner life, where the anxieties may be mounting? What would it be to release all of that, talk at all through with God? So, that's the Daily Audio Bible long walk.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible in the mission that we share around this global campfire to bring the spoken word of God to anyone who will listen to it anywhere that they are any time of day or night. If that brings life and good news into your life, then thank you for your partnership. There's a link on the homepage. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And as always, if you have a prayer request or comment, 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hey, what’s up everybody? It’s Miguel from Santa Rosa. Psalm 94:9 says, He who planted the ear, does He not hear? He formed the eye, does he not see? This word has been placed on my heart over the past several community prayer lines as I hear so many prayers come in, such a variety of things that we are all struggling with. And I believe that one of the biggest lies that can be placed out there from the enemy is a lie that your alone, that nobody hears you, especially for those that call in a prayer request and don’t necessarily hear somebody call in to pray for them. I want to encourage you. You are heard. You are heard and not just by people but by God. He who planted your very ear, does He not hear you? He who formed your eyes, does He not see you?. See, you are not alone. You are heard. Your prayers are heard and I can’t pretend like I know every single struggle out there, that I know what it’s like to walk through what you’re walking through, but we’re created by the same God. He loves you and He hears you and there will come a day when every effect of sin is wiped away, every pain, every suffering. Be blessed brother and sister. You are heard. You are seen. You are loved.

Hi everyone. It’s Karen in St. Louis. Bridget, my sister in New York, I am just grieving with you. I just heard your phone call. I’m gonna to pray. Father God, gosh, we live in such a broken, broken world and I just sometimes…sometimes I just pray come quickly, come quickly Jesus. Lord, I just want to lift up Bridget and her daughter to you and her whole family and this little two-year-old that is left behind Father God. I just pray that you are ministering angels would be about them, that they would sense the prayers of the saints lifting them up, that they would be buoyed and lifted up high on Eagles wings above all of this. I pray against sending PTSG for Bridget’s daughter. I pray that this would draw her closer to you Lord, that she would cling tightly to you, that she would walk with the Lord because you are the Father…

This is Candace from Oregon calling in for Pelham who is the parent with Molly and husband of Molly. Thank you for calling. Thank you for crying out to us but more importantly to Jesus. There is just nothing, well, very few things in life that are more satisfying than marriage. And you know that but now you know, of course, and have also known that there is very few things that are this difficult. And marriage is…it’s impossible except by the Holy Spirit, the power of our Lord. And it was His idea that He alone can make it happen. So…we’re…please family…come around Pelham with me and let’s pray. Let’s pray for a miracle. Lord thank You for our brother. Thank You that he knows that when he’s at his most desperate point he needs to look to You, that You are his hope and his salvation and You are Molly’s hope and salvation and their child as well. And I pray Lord that You will break all the ploys of the enemy, that You will break these things down in the name of Jesus, that Your love will come into this situation in the most beautiful unexpected ways. Please Lord, we know that just when it looks impossible…it is impossible for any one of us…You alone, you alone can take any two people and translate between them. Sometimes we feel like we’re speaking a foreign language we try to talk to each other. Holy Spirit, come and translate. Help them to actually hear each other. We pray these things in Jesus name. Amen.

DAB family. I want to pray for Keisha. Lord, Keisha reached out to You through the community because she’s been feeling alone, she is concerned about her weight that she gained, and depression and said that she had a generational curse of depression. She’s concerned about her marriage and many other things. And Lord I just ask you to reach into your daughter’s heart and let her know without a doubt that she is loved by You and speak to her in a way that only she can understand so she can know he is not alone and never alone, that when the Lord Jesus died on the cross, all curses were broken and that the evil one cannot lay his hand on us and that her mind can be freed to realize who she completely is in Your eyes, the only eyes the count. Keisha is a princess. She is royalty Lord. And one day her outsides will match her insides and she will shine like the stars of heaven Lord. Until then Lord, purify her mind, purify her heart and give her peace and let her know that she is loved beyond the green and You are making her into something more beautiful that could ever be described. We thank You Lord that You do the same with all of us. Speak to us sister Keisha in a special way. In Jesus name.

[261197writingideas]

TRAFFIC

TRAFFIC

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Two teenage boys sit in a car. They’ve been driving for three hours to a rave in Brighton. JAMES, the driver, is extremely high and has been for the past hour he holds a spliff in his steering hand as he changes gears with his left. They move about half an inch further on the road. The car is thick with smoke and NOAH can barely see through the fumes.

JAMES: What? He looks over at NOAH.

NOAH; You're fucked.

JAMES: scoffs-Am not.

NOAH: You're fucked and we're about to die.

JAMES: Are we speeding down at a hundred miles per hour?

NOAH: sulkily No.

JAMES: spurred on No, we’re not.  My nan could drive through this and she’s dead.

NOAH: Alright-James.

JAMES: Pushing up daisies on an Irish farm god bless ‘er.

NOAH says nothing, looking pointedly out the window. JAMES caresses NOAH’s neck.

JAMES: Oh come on. We said no more moods.

NOAH: I’m not in a mood.

JAMES: Yes you are-

NOAH: No I’m not.

JAMES: Fine, you’re not.

They sit in silence for a few minutes. JAMES looks worryingly over at him.

JAMES: Noah-

NOAH: -When we die pause I'll send you a postcard from heaven.

JAMES: What-?

NOAH: You'll be sent to a special hell for bad drivers where; no one indicates before they turn and cyclists never wear high-vis.

JAMES: Is this your attempt at humour-

NOAH: I'll send you a nice post card with no personalised message just a computer-typed signature.

JAMES:- Because it's depressingly poor.

NOAH:-Then, you'll regret killing the only person with enough patience to put up with you.

JAMES looks over at NOAH incredulously and laughs.

JAMES: You're mad.

NOAH: Yeah, and you're fucked.

 A family pull up a few cars behind them. They’re on their way to HELEN’s mother’s house in Exeter. A few weeks previously, HELEN found out that her unborn son was dead and that she’d still have to deliver him naturally. TED, her husband, is in the driver’s seat and he watches her. Every now and again, he looks at her belly and feels sick every time she catches him. In the backseat are their two kids.  SAM who’s eleven and MEGHAN who’s fifteen.

SAM: I spy with my little eye something beginning with.... he looks around him at the dreary, grey day, stretching up on his fingertips to see out of the main window. T! He says triumphantly.

MEGHAN: That's so easy Sam. She rolls her eyes.

SAM: Then what is it he says petulantly.

TED: hopelessly fake, positive tone Traffic!

SAM: No, Dad. That was a trap- I knew someone would guess that.

TED: Well, it's the only thing I can see. He leans to the side to get a better view of the cars For ages actually. He looks over at Helen, she stares out at the rain, she's barely breathing.

MEGHAN: It's obviously trees. They're everywhere.

SAM: Nope, wrong again. You'll never get it Meghan. Mum and dad might but you won't.

MEGHAN: What's that supposed to mean?

SAM: Triumphantly like he's quoting something you lack imagination.

MEGHAN: You didn't.

SAM: Didn't what. He smiles.

MEGHAN: You read my letter! I can't believe you read my letter! Dad- he read my letter- I'll kill you. I'm actually-how dare you!-

MEGHAN takes off her seatbelt and starts hitting her brother moving to his side of the back-seat.

SAM: Ow! Ow-get off me! Just because you're a bad writer doesn't mean- he laughs, she punches him squarely on the arm, OW! DAD! TED: Now- guys- come on. You know I can't do anything from here. He helplessly thrusts his left hand towards the back-seat trying to pat them away from each-other, Meghan accidently hits him.

Ouch Meghan for gods' sake.

SAM: See! See- Dad, you raised a savage he laughs as he swats her hands away, she pinches him really hard on the same arm. Fuck Meghan! That's gonna bruise! TED: What did you just say Sam.  The car goes silent.

HELEN: Tarmac. The silence turns electric as they all look over at Helen. It’s the first time she’s spoken since they started driving. She smiles briefly. I spy with my little eye something beginning with T...It's Tarmac.

 We move to the third car, a bright pink Volkswagen Beetle. In it, a girl called BRIDGET who’s barely twenty-two sits with a box of chocolates cradled in her lap. She tries to eat noiselessly  while HARVEY who she’s on the phone with, finishes a funny story.

HARVEY: Bridge are you still there?

BRIDGET: mumbles in assent, looking at her phone, her mouth stuffed with chocolate.

HARVEY: - I can't hear you- are you-are you eating?

BRIDGET: gulps noisely. No.

HARVEY: chuckles Yes you are.

BRIDGET: No I'm not. I told you, it's Lent and during Lent-

HARVEY: I know what Lent is Bridget. I also know that you're lying through your teeth...your chocolate stained teeth. He laughs. Poor Jesus.

BRIDGET: What?

HARVEY: How's he ever supposed to come back with shoddy followers like you. He laughs.

BRIDGET: Harvey!

He laughs

BRIDGET: I don't know what you're laughing at. If I recall correctly I'm actually doing you a favour-

HARVEY: Yes, yes I know I'm sorry-

BRIDGET: As you very well know I actually hate driving on the motorway, it really stresses me out and you making fun of me when you're not even here to keep me calm-

HARVEY: I'm in hospital!-

BRIDGET: -Really shows how little you value what I'm doing for you.

HARVEY: extremely fatigued. Yes Bridget, I'm eternally grateful.

A short pause.

BRIDGET: -And whatever confectionary treat I may or may not be eating to help me through this, frankly, traumatic experience is no concern of yours.

A longer pause.

HARVEY: Did you just use a religious event as a cover-up for eating chocolate in my car?

BRIDGET: Remind me never to do anything for you ever again.

HARVEY: Yeah-noted. You start abusing Christianity whenever you do.

A shorter pause.

BRIDGET: guiltily And anyway you're selling the car.

HARVEY: laughs That's really not the point Bridge.

 Back in the family car, Sam’s asleep. He snores softly, MEGHAN texts furiously on her phone while Ted hums to Michael Buble and HELEN watches her daughter through the wing mirror.

HELEN: Who're you texting Nutmeg?

MEGHAN looks up

MEGHAN: No-one.

HELEN: That's an odd name.

MEGHAN: sighs It's nothing important. She sounds a little put-out We're just planning our presentation.

HELEN: her mouth perks up with the attempt at a smile But you like him.

MEGHAN: I don't like him at all. I'm- I'm focusing on other pursuits. I don't have time for boys they're all idiots.

TED: He calls over Michael Buble Hear hear.

HELEN: Other pursuits. Helen echoes, nodding slowly

Meg, in a nutshell, aspires to be an odd mash-up of Caitlin Moran, Glenda Jackson and Oprah.

MEGHAN: Yes, like writing and learning the piano and my GCSE'S. In fact, I'm on strike.

HELEN: raises an eyebrow On strike?

MEGHAN: nods From boys.

HELEN: From boys.

MEGHAN: Yes.

Pause

HELEN: So, what's his name?

MEGHAN smiles.

MEGHAN: Go away mum.

HELEN: she shrugs It's just- your grandmother's house is in the middle of nowhere.

MEGHAN: So?

HELEN looks at her through the wing mirror.

HELEN: No service.

MEGHAN looks horrified.

MEGHAN: You're joking.

TED: We can always train a carrier-pigeon.

MEGHAN: You've got to be joking.

TED: Or, a raven! Like in Game of Thrones. Y'know I've heard they're actually faster.

MEGHAN: Dad can you shut up about birds. How am I supposed to live stream the UN Women's convention?

HELEN: Two words Meg. Dial-up.

TED chuckles, he looks over at HELEN relieved. For a moment, when he watches her smile, he can pretend everything's fine.

MEGHAN: I don't understand, what-what's dial-up?

TED goes to share a laugh with HELEN but she’s taken her seatbelt off and is opening her car door.

TED: Helen! The rain-we’re on the motor-

HELEN runs as fast as she can to the car in front of them. From the tarmac she picks up a fallen teddy bear and taps on the passenger window. Cars melding into the traffic miss her by an inch.

HELEN: Excuse me-

CAR PASSENGER: What on earth-

HELEN: This- this bear fell out of your car. You don’t want him to start crying I-

The woman in the passenger seat snatches the teddy bear and peers worryingly out of the window to TED and the children in the car behind.

CAR PASSENGER: Are you mad? Get out of the rain!

The passenger rolls up her car window and their driver moves them the inch available along the motorway. HELEN looks at their car as they drive away. The little boy peers out the back window and waves the teddy at her. She loses sight of him through the rain. TED drives up to her and calls across through the passenger window.

TED: softly Honey. Get in the car.

She doesn’t hear him. Cars behind start beeping as he continues to wait for her.

MEGHAN: Mum? Come on. Mum you’ll catch a cold.

Ted opens the passenger door, the sound shakes HELEN out of her reverie and as if on auto-polite she gets back into the car. The slamming car door wakes SAM up.

SAM: Is that a service station sign? I'm starved. He yawns.

All of them but HELEN look at him. His smile falls.

Back to the first car, JAMES has turned up the radio, Arctic Monkey's 'R U Mine' is playing and he's banging on the steering wheel, thrashing his head about. His hair bobs up and down and NOAH joins in. They roll the windows down, letting the wind whip past and through them, NOAH loves that moment of panic when the air travels too fast past you for you to breathe. And in that split moment, when he glances over at JAMES, his eyes closed, leaning against the seat, his face flushed and teeth glinting, NOAH realises he loves him.

JAMES: I GO CRAZY COS HERE ISN'T WHERE I WANNA BE

AND SATISFACTION FEELS LIKE A DISTANT MEMORY-

AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF ALL I

WANNA HEAR YOU SAY IS R U MIIIIINE

beams over at NOAH R U MIIINE

NOAH: in a fake falsetto operatic voice Are you mine tomorrow! JAMES throws his head back laughing

NOAH: in the same style Or just mine tonight!

The guitar solo comes on and they both thrash themselves around, they both know the whole riff and switch between the drums, the lead guitar and the bass. At the same moment, they both close their eyes just as a car comes into the motorway from the split-road, they miss each-other by a breath as JAMES turns sharply to the right and into the other lanes of traffic, amidst beeps and muffled exclamations of anger, JAMES goes up a side road back on the left bank of the motorway and pulls up on a side-road. JAMES slams on the brakes. The momentum pulls their heads forward and whips them back against their seats. NOAH takes off his seatbelt and slumps against his seat, panting heavily. JAMES absent-mindedly touches his neck where his mother's necklace used to be.

JAMES: out of breath and shaking Are you alright?

NOAH looks over at him. Then, suddenly, he reaches over, grabs JAMES by the face and kisses him. JAMES struggles against his seatbelt and takes it off hurriedly. Pulling NOAH to him the second it's off.

JAMES: Noah-

between kisses

NOAH: I hate you. Kisses him I really hate you.

JAMES: What-

They break apart for a moment.

NOAH: I can't- I don't feel safe with you. I don't think you know how to-

JAMES: angrily What?

NOAH: lost for words I think you need help.

JAMES: rolling his eyes Noah-

NOAH: It's sick.

JAMES: Fuck you.

NOAH: like it pains him You can't go two hours James-

JAMES: Fuck you.

NOAH: You sold your mum's-

JAMES: he roars in NOAH'S face FUCK YOU! Once again, their faces are a breath apart, JAMES pushes him away and NOAH, losing some kind of battle within himself, pulls him in and kisses him again.

Back to the Volkswagen Beetle, BRIDGET's eating again but this time she's on the phone to her friend CECE.

BRIDGET: I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him.

CECE: I don't know why you're acting like this is news.

BRIDGET: deflated, Well-what do you mean?

CECE: You two have been living out a Richard Curtis film for the past two years.

BRIDGET: You're not funny Ce, I'm really in a vat of deep shit.

CECE: incredulously You're the most- dramatic person I've ever met. Is it really so bad?

BRIDGET: Yes, it is so bad Cece. I can't think of anything worse.

CECE sighs For heaven's sake why?

BRIDGET: Because the second boys know how you feel, all your power is gone.

CECE: That's ridiculous.

BRIDGET: The ball's in their court and you have nothing to bargain with anymore.

Pause

CECE: I don’t know how to apply reason to that. I’m trying.

BRIDGET: Oh, Cece I'm serious.

CECE: Yeah so am I. You're being ridiculous.

Longer pause

BRIDGET: Sometimes...I honestly think I- pauses, not sure whether she wants to admit it      I think I live for him. Like, when he's not around everything's sort of, still. And then, when I see him, someone presses play and I'm alive again.

CECE: Oh, Bridget.

BRIDGET: with the confidence to carry on But the worst part of it is the injustice. How am I spending eighty percent of my time and energy analyzing everything he says, counting down the seconds till I see him. Taking ten minutes to pluck up the courage to call him or text him. Driving across the bloody country to see his sister who, between herself her dog and her crustacean of a husband, should take over from Cerberus and guard the gates of hell. Pause, like it’s all dawning on her. I’m on the motorway which terrifies me more than she does, driving a car that’s straight from a cartoon. Pause And he-he's not thinking about me at all. Pause Isn't that just- the worst thing you've ever heard?

CECE: Oh, Bridget don't-

BRIDGET: I'm pathetic.

CECE: You're not pathetic.

BRIDGET: I'm Bridget Jones with no Colin Firth.

CECE: Honestly-

BRIDGET: And no hot sex with Hugh Grant at the beginning.

CECE: No-one says hot sex Bridget.

BRIDGET: What?

CECE: It's embarrassing.

Pause

BRIDGET: I have a free pass now Cece. As an official Pathetic Person, I have allowances.

CECE: Right.

BRIDGET: I can say hot sex and re-watch the first hour of Titanic and the last hour of the Notebook in an alternating pattern for hours on end.

CECE: You didn't-

Pause

BRIDGET: That was a particularly bad day.

CECE: gives up Well- why don’t you just tell him how you feel? Outright so there can be no miscommunications. If you're already in the valley of the pathetic-

BRIDGET: -I am.

CECE: Then you have nothing to lose have you?

All four of them bundle out of the family car and from the service stop they can  see the traffic go on endlessly. As they walk across the entrance, toddlers play noisely in playpens and harassed looking parents try to fit all their belongings back into their now suddenly smaller cars. Sam runs towards the McDonald's sign while MEGHAN goes straight for a modest Waterstones. With a start, TED realises that he and HELEN are alone. The gulf between them that the kids help cover up once again becomes achingly vast.

TED: watches another father try to negotiate his toddler into his jacket I don't miss that.

HELEN: chuckles humorlessly I do.

Together, they watch the pair.

HELEN: Did you sign the form for Sam's-?

TED: nods Stonehenge trip yeah-before we left.

HELEN: Good.

A WOMAN sitting near them peers at the pair, suddenly as if appalled with herself, she stands up.

WOMAN: Sorry, would you like my chair? Her eyes linger on HELEN'S enlarged belly.

HELEN: Oh no, no. That won't be necessary.

WOMAN: No, really, I insist. With my lot I couldn't stand for more than a minute before my ankles started aching.

TED: Thank you we're-

WOMAN: How far along are you? Looks like it won't be long now.

HELEN: Really its-

WOMAN: Oh! And do you know if its a boy or a girl? Or are you traditional?-

TED: Honestly don't- he peers over at HELEN, terrified.

HELEN'S face blanks, as if her personality's been wiped away. She fought it from the moment she felt the WOMAN's eyes on her belly. She fought it the second she heard toddlers screaming. She fought it the second colours starting swimming from coats and clothes and toys, blurring together, blending till they were grey.

WOMAN: looks worryingly over at TED Is she alright?

TED: Takes Helen's arms and sits her down in the offered chair. He glares at the woman, furious. Not in the slightest.

WOMAN: a little disturbed as HELEN continues to stare into nothing I’m sorry did I?-

TED cuts rudely across her, calling SAM and MEGHAN from his Android.

TED: Guys, come back as soon as you can please. I’ve texted you our orders. We’re in the seated area.

HELEN stares at the WOMAN across TED as he furiously taps at his phone.

HELEN: He’s not an angry person I assure you.

TED: Helen-

HELEN: He’s just under a lot of stress right now. I’m a handful. She smiles a little.

The WOMAN gets up and leaves, sitting on the other side of the area. TED looks over at HELEN.

TED: You didn’t have to say that. He smiles we scared the nice lady away.

HELEN: Why not? It’s true. Chuckles humorlessly I ruined you.

TED puts his arm around her.

TED: You didn’t ruin anything.

HELEN: whispers, like she’s been trying not to say it You said- you said it ‘d be too dangerous to-

TED: Don’t say that. He pulls her towards him.

HELEN tears up

HELEN: And I pushed it. I didn’t list-

SAM and MEGHAN come running towards them, SAM collapses in the chair next to HELEN and leans his head against her shoulder. MEGHAN holds a Waterstone’s bag and all the McDonald’s packages but one which SAM has and promptly tears into.

MEGHAN: Yeah, thanks Sam. Let me carry everything.

SAM: His mouth full of chips. You’re older.

MEGHAN: acidly So?

SAM: he shrugs Your arms are longer.

MEGHAN sits next to TED, looking at him imploringly.

MEGHAN: He is an idiot, isn’t he? I’m not just hearing things?

TED laughs gruffly.

TED: Thanks for the burger Nutmeg.

SAM: Mum? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?

They all follow HELEN’s eyes, she stares at the little boy with the teddy bear from the car earlier, asleep in his mother’s arms a few rows in front of them.

SAM: D’you think bump will look like him?

MEGHAN and TED look at each-other worriedly. HELEN plays with SAM’s hair and wipes her eyes with her other hand.

HELEN: It’s not nice to let your sister carry everything you know-

SAM rolls his eyes

SAM: For God’s sake-

HELEN: It’s not fair is it?

SAM: gruffly No.

HELEN: And what right have you to read someone else’s mail? And not only that, but to make fun of her aspirations and goals? It was brave what she did Sam.

MEGHAN: Mum-

HELEN: And we’re all going to have to be brave for a bit.

SAM: Yes Mum.

HELEN: And what do you want to apologize for?

SAM: Her existence?

MEGHAN leans over and hits him on the head. TED shakes his head.

TED: That’d be our fault, pal.

MEGHAN: Ew, Dad-

SAM: shrugs I forgive you, we all make mistakes.

HELEN chuckles.

SAM looks up at her.

SAM: Well done for getting it right the second time though.

MEGHAN: Over TED and HELEN’s laughter Sam, do you even know what you’re talking about?

Cut to earlier that day, BRIDGET rings HARVEY. She’s breathing deeply to calm her nerves.

HARVEY: Yes, Bridget.

BRIDGET: Oh-hi.

HARVEY laughs.

HARVEY: What’s up-everything good? Or have you given up on food and started on heroin?

BRIDGET: she rolls her eyes haha very funny-

HARVEY:- I’m a funny guy.

Pause, he waits for her to speak. She opens her mouth but keeps hesitating.

HARVEY: Bridge?

BRIDGET: like verbal diarrhoea Do you like chicken?

Pause, BRIDGET mimes shooting herself.

HARVEY: I-yes. He laughs nervously

BRIDGET: Good, good. Me too.

HARVEY: I know.

BRIDGET: So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like chicken? I’m-I’m a solid ten.

HARVEY: Yeah, I’d say the same.

Pause

HARVEY: Bridget what are you actually on?

BRIDGET: -I like chicken so much I reckon I could eat it…when I get back.

She peers out the side of the car at a cross-roads and starts inching across the road

HARVEY: Right.

BRIDGET: Would you-

HARVEY: Eat chicken with you?

BRIDGET: I-deflates yes. Lets out the breath she’s been holding And-and maybe love me back? Its just, uhm, I imagine this is what torture feels like- y’know, loving someone and-and them not-not feeling the same so…So if you could that’d be…

Pause

BRIDGET: That’d be great.

Longer pause, Bridget stops at a red light and softly beats her head against the steering wheel.

HARVEY: That depends.

BRIDGET: braces herself On-on what?

HARVEY: Will you starts chuckling stop eating chocolate in my fucking car?

BRIDGET beams, the light turns green and she doesn’t check her mirrors before she drives

Back to the first car, NOAH and JAMES are back in the traffic and they’re sitting in complete silence. Neither wants to be the first to speak but JAMES can’t help it. He reaches into the glove compartment and chucks a jewellery box at NOAH.

NOAH: What’s this?

He opens it, inside is a key.

JAMES: I didn’t spend it on packet, I knew it was worth enough to get my own place.

He looks over at him after pulling the handbrake up.

JAMES: That’s meant to be your key.

NOAH: Meant to be?

JAMES nods

JAMES: Depends on how long it’ll take for you to get over shit that happened years ago. Looks over at him again. I’m not the same person I was then, Noah.

NOAH sighs

NOAH: I know you’re not.

JAMES: Do you? Because not feeling safe around me isn’t at all encouraging.

Pause, NOAH looks out the window.

NOAH: I guess it’s not-it’s not really about you.

JAMES rolls his eyes.

JAMES: For god’s sake Noah, this isn’t a teen drama.

Longer pause, Noah looks at JAMES.

NOAH: I’m in love with you-

JAMES:-What?

NOAH: shrugs, in a small voice And it’s not the safest feeling.

JAMES keeps his eyes glued to the road, it suddenly becomes impossible to look NOAH in the eye.

JAMES: Okay.

Pause, NOAH smiles to himself looking down at the jewellery box.

NOAH: And I’ll keep the key thanks.

JAMES: Good.

NOAH: Great.

Longer pause, the silence now is unbearably sweet. NOAH spots a few ambulances and the wreckage of a car on the side road. Ahead of the car crash the traffic completely dissipates.

NOAH: Oh, it was a car crash.

JAMES: Hmm?

NOAH: The traffic, look over that side.

JAMES looks over.

JAMES: Shit that looks awful.

NOAH chuckles

NOAH:Is that-was it a pink beetle?                                                                    

 FIN