#so it’s uh gonna be basically a novel once i’m done lmao

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Love me some angst!! So true though I can imagine it kinda being like the “want what you can’t have” thing where you’d have to be uninterested to catch his eye..also I’m so excited to read every installment makes me stan bestie a little more like where’s my irl girlie like this??

Oh yeah stagnant is the word I’m looking for…I’ve never prayed on the downfall of a duo so hard before they NEEDED that breakup no matter what all the fans say like please let them develop!! As you mention later in your reply I do think kaneshiro has something in mind for nagi I’m just hoping it happens soon!! What kinda also throws me off a bit is I think in a recent interview kaneshiro mentions that Nagi has no friends outside of reo even within bllk? And I’m like wait what about Isagi chigiri and Bachira at least they literally went bowling together and were gonna meet at a cafe together??? I don’t think you do that with people not considered friends but whatever ig :|

Based off what they’ve all spouted mid match they DEF have a mean streak LMAO gotta let out all that teenager rage somewhere…even polite mom friend yuki based of NEL scenes LOL but I love the duality of it all!

Loser on loser crime fr…reminds me of that one line from the mobile game where Nagi’s like “sheesh rin you have no friends” like boy ik ur not talking

The soccer freak always gets me because the way Rin’s presented makes him seem super popular BECAUSE of his soccer dedication flipping it around and making it his weakness just makes it hit harder

That makes sense! I’ll admit some scenes of him are done nicely but yeah also not exactly my type oops, when I was typing out my last response I was kinda thinking about how his backstory is uh…a little bland…like yeah a passionate boy about soccer but other than that he’s got a healthy family and basically no trauma (good for him!!) but yeah I mean other than his mindset on like evolution not much to explore imo

Get. Out. I was an MLP kid too LMAOOO you’re so right about rainbow dash I feel like maybe he’d try to cover himself up with like king sombra too (shadowy villain to match his ninja shadow steps thing or wtv) and I honestly don’t know how he pulls sm he seems like such a dork too like, ninja butt trap?? Saying bam (bakyuun) at like every other sentence….bro is a geek and it’s showing LMAO I bet he’d be into ninjago

OVER 15K we’re eating good guys…I’m also like constantly lurking the tags waiting for things to pop up which is where I first found you actually LOL I swear the karasu tag was dry as HELL for a good 6 months I kept finding stuff on a diff karasu from some other series and the Otoya and yuki tags are like even drier like please someone…you’re literally saving me rn I have never seen this much Karasu content like. Ever. I would contribute more if I knew how to write but for now I’ll just stick to ideas ig LMAO

That panel living rent free in my brain…more like I’m paying it to stay there omg I cannot wait…I’m also hoping that tabieitaken still get some spotlight in the manga too (I’m so glad Karasu isn’t obsolete in PxG) because how did they go from top 345, not score at all in the u20 match, and like we barely see them in nel (barcha done so dirty don’t even get me started…) like bring the boys back please I know they were the top in bllk for a reason!!

Also I really hope it also gets revealed somewhere the tracks of all the teams?? I wanna find out how they get yuki eventually LOL I tried making a chart myself but lost my mind 3/4 of the way in because I realized things didn’t match up and the many locked off npcs make it hard to accurately discern anything eugh…but trust once 1) that epinagi chapter comes out 2) the light novel for yuki comes out I will be back here flooding your inbox…(as if I don’t alr oops)

- Karasu anon

yes exactly i think you would have to make him feel smth different from how he normally does for him to remain interested long-term. w fwtkac bestie it’s the fact that they dislike another which could lead to a possible romance because he’s so used to girls liking him and him liking them in return that their feud would force him to get to know her in a diff way almost?? idk if that makes sense. and hehe i just posted the last part and bestie is VERY prominent in it so i hope you enjoy!! she truly is such a funny character i love writing her and reader together

YES the breakup was needed!! and everyone who talks abt nagi falling off…yeah he needed that too or else he’d never be able to have a proper character arc 😭 i think w regards to that he just said that nagi isn’t CLOSE to anyone but reo!! which does make sense to me. we see him interacting and being friendly w bachira isagi and chigiri (even karasu surprisingly) but he seems like the type who wouldn’t let anyone in right away. i do think he enjoys hanging out w them and probably considers them chill buddies but he wouldn’t invite isagi to his depression nest apartment the way he did reo. or maybe i’m just overthinking it and he actually just hates everyone 😫

yuki is honestly willing to throw hands at any moment he just seems chill compared to tabieita because those two are on another level 😭 HAHA actually though i’m p sure otoya is the least mean on-field…he kinda just dgaf meanwhile karasu and yuki actively degrade other players 😔 but otoya is so…interesting…off field that it makes up for it (negatively)

HAHAHA omg loser on loser crime fr…pls nagi is actually so mean tbh which makes sense because he is a gamer but also it’s so funny because we’re introduced to him as this apathetic chill guy and then the instant he meets barou he pulls out an entire ARSENAL of insults 😭 yeah i think outside of bllk that dedication to soccer is not making bro popular…like he has no time for friends or hobbies or anything because he’s busy practicing so it’s very much “the best but at what cost”

shidou def has some cool scenes!! and some uh. well. LMAOO but same with isagi like there’s some scenes where i can kinda see the appeal but for the most part he’s too chill and basic looking/acting for me. i also think it’s so funny that some of the characters have such crazy backstories (kaiser, yuki) and then isagi just grew up upper middle class 😓 zero issues in his life just vibes

OMGGG MLP FANS RISE UP my fav was rarity because she’s literally me but i also really liked princess cadence!! and that whole movie w her wedding actually was really good although i obv haven’t watched in ages. HAHAH no you’re so right though he is such a loserrr i honestly think if he ever got over himself and settled down he would be one of the best bfs in bllk just because he’s so secretly unserious. he’s definitely the type to have been super into like. pokémon (projecting because i love pokémon) or smth and he would give entire speeches about why his favorites are the best ones (NOT clickbait 3am gone wrong) and how he plans on beating the champion. he also is so chill i feel like if you tried to prank him or do smth like put makeup on him he’d just be like “ok 👍” and go along with it 😪 IF ONLY HE WASN’T A CHEATER 😕

omg no because i thought the karasu tag was empty and then i tried looking for otoya content (help he’s grown on me so bad) and it was EMPTY. forget abt yuki broooo nobody even knows him 😭 and YES it ended up at 16.1k as i’m sure you saw!! sooo long 😫 also wait that’s so funny…idt i had posted any karasu fics before your requests which post did you find me through??

if you ever do decide to try writing lmk i will def read it!! honestly it all comes down to practice + i’m sure you’re much better than you realize 💖

YES BRO WHY ARE YUKI AND OTOYA GHOSTING ATM??? i can even kind of understand otoya because he’s on a diff team and whatnot and at least his nel ranking is good but yuki is quite literally on bm why did he vanish after mancity 😓 also yesss omg bm vs barcha didn’t even feel like a nel game at all!! i saw a post where someone said they would’ve rather seen tabieita heading a nel team instead of reonagi and honestly i agree because that’s 3 and 4 in bllk right there plus they were introduced as having the best teamwork in all of bllk and that was just never brought up again after third selection?? ig it might’ve seemed redundant but in my dreams tabieita have reunited and are eating it up together 👆🏻

YAYY can’t wait!! i’m so excited for the ln chapters and the new epinagi chapter so i will be ready to yap once they’re out 🫡

[just-some-brainrot]

is this a fic preview? why yes it is!

i'm thinking about starting to post this guy, but its going to be a looonggg fic and i haven't decided if im gonna prewrite it all and then post or hope that i have enough time. but i figured hey, tumblr would probably like this, so here we are

lo and behold: the linked universe au where wild remembers all his past lives, and resolves to end the hero's cycle of reincarnation

also be warned the first chap/preview is below the cut and i write mammoth chapters so its like.,,, 4k words. also the lu boys don't get introduced till like...chapter 6 or something so this is mostly setup and literally picks up right after botw ending (and wild is just referred to as link here)

Do you remember me? she had asked, and he had no response. Not then, and not now, standing in front of the open gates to Hyrule Castle, staring at the sky as all his friends prepared to leave for good. Their spirits hovered silently over the field, a silent reminder of all that had been lost to the Calamity.

This is it, Link thought, the realization hitting him with a sharp kind of pain in his chest. The past year on the road, telling himself just a little bit more, if he could save just this one person…the list had gone on and on, a carefully woven string of lies, until Link had finally found himself in Hyrule Castle. Just one more person. Just save Zelda.

And save her he did.

But what came next? The stories of Legend, of heroes and princess, they never continued on after the great beast fell. It ended, just as abruptly as his memories do. Flashes of a hero raised in the woods, a boat on the sea, a Gerudo King and a world of twilight. It went on and on and on in Link’s mind, to the point he wasn’t quite sure what part of him was really him, and not just memories of past lives.

“How much do you remember?” Zelda asked hoarsely.

Too much. Too little. Not enough, more than he should. What would he say? Yes, Link remembered her. Of course he did; Princess Zelda, descendant of the goddess, tied to the hero throughout their lifetimes by their shared bond to the triforce. He remembered her: remembered her when the world fell into darkness, when she went by a different name and sailed her own ship, when she hid her face and learned the Sheikah ways. He remembered it all, lifetimes ago and even longer.

But that wasn’t her. It wasn’t him.

But you remember, a small voice in his mind whispered. All those lives, and a little more. He remembered Zelda’s weakness for sweets, her hatred of dancing. He remembered the days she’d sneak into the kitchens and drag Link with her, grabbing sweets and pastries and waving around a soup ladle like a sword and hopping on the tables. They were the fondest memories he had, kept gently within the recess of his mind alongside what he remembered of his other champions. He desperately wanted to make more of those memories with her, of sunny days and reckless play, especially now, with both of them no longer duty-bound to the destiny the gods wove for them.

Beneath it all, Link was scared. Hero of Courage or not, he was a coward when it came to things like this. What would happen if he told her that, explained the complicated sotry behind his memory? What if he said he remembered, and then she got too attached? He wasn’t sure if he could keep up the same stoic farce for many more years to come, and what was even more terrifying was the idea of her re-establishing him as her knight. What would he do if she tried to rope him into more hero-work, if she tried to use his memories to research the history of Hyrule? It was all complicated and convoluted, but when things came down to their core, Link had one simple fear.

He was afraid that Zelda would try to change him. But either way, for better, or worse, Link didn’t want to change who he was now, not again, not after years and years of changing who he was to suit those around him.

“Link?”

Even before he said them aloud, the words felt bitter in his mouth as he turned away from the Champions’ spirits, where they hovered above in the sky. If he were to damn himself by lying so blatantly, let it not be under the gazes of his closeest friends.

“I’m sorry. I don’t…it’s–it’s hardly anything.”

Lying came far too easy to Link, the words sounding so earnest and genuine even he wasn’t sure if there wasn’t little grains of truth within it. Lying came so easily it was both terrifying and admirable, the same way that people revere gods yet fear their wrath, the same way that Link would sometimes see himself in battle, washing the blood off his hands and think I must be a monster.

The worst part was how easily she believed it.

“Oh,” she said. It was a tiny noise, tiny in the sense that Zelda seemed to be shrinking from the world, her words curling in at the edges like a rolled piece of paper.

The bitter feeling in Link’s mouth settled into a pit of despair within his stomach. It only deepened further as Zelda turned away, walking through the rubble with her half-torn sandals without a word. The regret was instant and all encompassing, and Link was almost about to reach out and grab her muddy wrist and say wait, but–

But when he turned around to see his friends, they were long since gone. All he could make out in the sky was King Rhoam’s large figure until he, too, disappeared in a shower of sparks and flames.

Gone. They were really gone now. He was alone.

“Link,” Zelda said again, not a question.

He turned his back to Hyrule Caslte and, without a word, offered Zelda his hand as he led her through the ruins of their hometown and out into the field.

In hindsight, Link had not been gentle during his clash with Ganon in Hyrule Field. The charred marks from Ganon’s feet wouldn’t grow over for weeks, nor would the white-tinted scorch marks from his own light-blessed arrows. Grass, torn up from the hooves of his lovely horse Delilah. Grass, stained with crimson blood. Grass, everywhere, on the fields, in the hills, over the valley, torn and shredded, marred by a history of  battle.

At some point, Zelda left behind her shoes in favor of walking through the grass barefoot.

“Do you remember Mipha?”

A little. A lot. Remembered watching her heal someone for the first time, seeing her strength in battle. The first time they went out together, the way he had reached out to hold her hand, terrified, and the way his heart had calmed instantly when she held his hand in return, looping their littlest fingers together and swinging their arms. He remembered arguing with her, up on the mountain. He remembered pushing her away, hiding his face behind a stoic mask and silencing his own voice.

He remembered how she looked when he found her, all faded scales and ghostly flames amidst a river of tears, almost about to give up on ever leaving her ghostly prison.

Link couldn’t bring himself to lie so blatantly again, and settled for a noncommittal shrug. “Enough.”

It wasn’t until Zelda’s gaze turned from downtrodden to wary that Link realized what she was trying to get at. How ironic, to think the princess of Hyrule, who had just sealed away a century-long threat to the country, was more conerned about Link’s memories of his affection for Mipha than anything else.

“Yes,” he sighed. “I remember her–remember her…feelings towards me.”

“Ah. Do you–” Zelda cleared her throat when her voice cracked suddenly, face red and spoltchy. “Do you still–do you harbor, ah–”

“She’s dead,” Link said shortly. He’d had this conversation far too many times already, with Sidon, with King Dorephan, with Muzu of all people, and Kodah and Bazz and… gods, he was sick of it.

What would he say? Yes, I’m still hung up on my dead girlfriend who I never formally courted, because we were engaged 100 years ago but never told anyone because of some great terrible beast that we were both going to fight against, but then that beast ended up killing the both of us, and since I was the only one worth bringing back, apparently, her spirit got to rot away for a century while everyone blamed me for her death. Also, lots of her Zora friends are incredibly racist and she’s a princess and I'm a knight and they were still racist after a century later when I came back, and half of them have just begun to stop blaming me for her death. Half of them still refuse to believe she loved me at all, let alone that I loved her.

“What about Daruk?”

He didn’t even bother answering this time, and simply continued to lead Zelda through the forest east of Hyrule Field.

“Where are you taking me?” she asked.

Link didn’t answer. He was angry and scared and absolutely enraged at his own folly, lying to her like that, and there was no way he’d be able to get his voice to work in this kind of situation. So he simply pointed at the pile of kindling he was setting up and the makeshift log-bench in front of him.

Zelda was a bundle of nerves, tense and small, sitting perched on the edge of the wooden log. She held her elbows in her palms tightly enough there would undoubtedly be little marks in her skin, tucking her torso close to her scapred and bruised shins.

Really, she hadn’t changed a single bit, Link thought, stroking the fledgling flame in front of him. At least he had been stripped of his dirtied clothes, and his blood washed away by the Shrine. Zelda, on the other hand, was just as bloody and bruised as she had been during their retreat from Hyrule Castle a century ago. Her dress was torn in the same spots, her hands were still crusted over mud and under her fingernails were crusted and dried flakes of Link’s own blood from when she held him dying in her arms.

“Wash,” he said roughly, pushing the Sheikah Slate in her hands and pointing south. A small pond was only a short distance away, where she could clean up and hopefully, probably, have some time to hereslf to process everything.

Link nuduged Zelda when she simply clutched the Slate in her hands and seemed to do nothing.

“You–” her voice warbleded and broke agin. “You better not let any monsters or guard–guardians come here. Make sure to keep watch.”

In the silence that follows, a familiar voice spoke from Link’s back. It was calm and quiet in a strangely musical way that reminded Link far too much of the ruins he oft walked through. A silent kind of tragedy.

She is afraid, his sword whispered.

I know, he wanted to tell Fi, balancing the Master Sword on his knees. He had been afraid, too.

Link wasn’t so stupid to not recognize that Zelda had the same fear in her eyes that Link remembered seeing in himself. Terrified at the world around him, in awe and wonder of the beautify of it, uncertain where was safety was and uncertain if a safe place even existed. She needed space more than anything right now, especially considering Link wasn’t exactly up to par when it came to giving (or receiving) comfort.

"Master Link", Fi said, out loud, appearing beside him as she spoke in that sacred language only Link, Fi, Hylia, and whatever immortal denizens remember the Hero from the Sky, could understand.

The language of gods and spirits, a language Link spoke hundreds of lifetimes ago, and he only understood now from the memories those past lives left behind. Fi hadn’t spoken to him until after he completely the trials of the sword and restored her to full power, and even then…

Their relationship was one that was built slowly and tirelessly, with much effort and many struggles. Link figured that his tentative friendship with Zelda, which had been awkward and stilted all those years ago, would be even more stilted in the wake of everything that has happened, much like his bond with Fi had started out like.

“Master.” Fi frowned and leaned forward until she and Link were practically nose to nose. “You’re getting lost in your thoughts again.

Link forced himself to focus. Focus, focus, focus. He always had to focus. He was never focused enough. “Sorry.”

“I have no personal qualms with your typically aloof mannerisms, though someone else wishes to speak with you, and it’s unlikely you will have another opportunity to speak privately like this now that you are in Princess Zelda’s company.”

Link frowned at that. Fi was nothing if not practical, factual, and to the point. Brutally honest in a similar way to Link; any information she didn’t tell him was not because of a secret, but either because of necessity or she simply didn’t have the information to give.

It made her strangely ominous warning all the more confusing

“Who?”

“I do not know,” she said cooly, settling beside Link as he pulled out some bandages and a small kit he made for medical emergecies. “I sense a spirit with the strong desire to speak with you, though they have yet to reveal their physical form.”

Oh. Link was, unfortunately, familiar with this routine. Though he had not chanced upon a single spirit save for the late king upon the Great Plateau, Link had encountered his fair share of spirits udring his trek through Hyrule’s mainland. At first, he hadn’t even realize some of them were spirits–he had been confused as to why the merchant seemed so surprised when Link sold him some fruit, or the small children had been so excited when Link promised to play. After seeing Mipha, though, and getting a better idea of how, exactly, everything had ended…he was a bit more aware of the differences between the living and the dead after that.

“You can show yourself,” he said quietly, not bothering to look up as he peeled off his bloody gloves and the cloth wrap beneath it. He’d need to wash them later, but for now he could at treat any nasty bruises or shrapnel cuts with bandages before putting the soiled gloves back on.  “Neither of us have harmful intentions.”

There was a beat or two of silence as Link finished up, in which Fi spoke a bit just for the sake of having something to do and eventually returned to rest within the sword. Her presence had been a comfort, especially as the blade of the Master Sword seemed to warm and keep him comfortable even as the temperature dropped. Link had been halfway to starting to stitch a particularly large gash on his arm when the spirit finally revealed themself in a flash of bright blue sparks and flames. He always thought the whole fire and smoke thing was funny–the fact that the same way that spirits appeared in this world was the same exact way that they would eventually leave it.

“Wait!” a familiar voice cried, ghostly hand reaching out to stop Link from starting the stitches.

It was not their actions that made Link pause. “Mipha?”

She smiled apologetically, her figure just the same as it was 100 years ago, though hazy and faded around the edges. “Hello again. You probably thought I left.”

I saw you leave, he wanted to say. Link simply stared.

“I–” Mipha looked down, then, away from Link’s eyes to inspect the gash in his arm. “Daruk and I stayed behind. He didn’t want to leave behind his grandson, Yunobo, just yet.”

Her magic was the same as always. Cool, gentle, and cloyingly sweet. Lavender tincture in the form of magic, although Link thought that even the full dose of his lavender-tincture medicine didn’t exactly compare to the instant pain relief Mipha’s healing brought.

“And you?” he asked softly. He waited his bated breath for her reply as she knelt beside him, focused and flustered.

“Between you and Sidon, I thought it would be wise of me to stay behind and make sure neither of you got in too much trouble.” Mipha smiled wistfully and removed her hands from his forearm to reveal perfectly unmarred skin where the laceration was, framed by the plethora of scars around his wrist and inner arms. It looked out of place among all the faded marks and purpled bruises.

Mipha clicked her tongue teasingly. “Reckless as always.”

“You don’t have to stay for me,” Link told her. The guilt had torn him up inside before she had been freed from Vah Ruta, and the same guilt still haunted him now, seeing her ghostly form and regretful smile. “Go watch over Sidon, or move on. Rest. You deserve it.”

“We both do,” she said simply, moving onto his other arm with clinical precision. “And yet, not even minutes after you defeat the Calamity, you start tearing yourself up inside because you lied to Princess Zelda about your memories.”

Ah, so this is why, he wanted to say. It was painfully obvious, now. Why else would Mipha stay? She knew Link could take care of his own wounds and bandage new ones, and with how much time Sidon has been spending involving himself in the court at Zora’s Domain, there wasn’t a chance of him getting out and hurt by some other odd monster.

“Mipha–”

She pinched a particularly sore bruise and didn’t give Link a chance to argue further. “I will not reprimand you for lying. It’s a complicated topic, and that would’ve been a terrible time to dump so much information on her, but I do expect that you won’t keep this hidden for too long after this, hm?”

Link squirmed under Mipha’s gaze. Gentle and calm, as always, which was even more terrifying in the wake of her clear disapproval.

“You cannot hide your true self from those around you and expect to have an honest relationship with them at the same time,” she chided. Fi seemed to chime in agreement at that, her voice coming through as more of a feeling and expression than actual words. Link sighed.

He was outnumbered. “I can’t tell her.”

“You told Purah.” “Purah didn’t spend over half her life praying to a rock in the likeness of the goddess because everyone told her she needs to fulfill her destiny and be like the hero and be like Link. Zelda  hated me then, and she’d probably hate me now if I told her.”

Mipha shrugged and sat back as Link put back on his armor. “She doesn’t hate you for who you are, just what you stand for.”

He smiled wryly at that. “How comforting.”

“You must do something about this, though.” Mipha frowned again, her hesitant joke replaced by a more serious tone. “You either tell your dear ones about this and learn to live with it or find answers for whatever questions you have.

“Make a decision,” Mipha emphasized, grabbing Link’s hands in her own when he showed no clear response.

Decision on what, he wanted to ask, just so she could tell him what to do. Give him an order, give him a command or goal or quest, or something. Link had questions, sure, but he wasn’t good at finding answers to them–that was Zelda, Purah, Impa, Robbie. Smart and determined. Link was just the kid soldier who was good with a sword and even better at following orders.

“You can’t let this go on.” She shook her head. “I can’t watch this go on. These memories of past heroes…it’s eating you up inside, and if I have to spend one more night watching you claw off your scars or forget where you are I’m–”

There was no end to this tragedy. Surely the gods must find this situation a little bit humorous, or else they wouldn’t let all this pointless suffering go on for so long. Link’s life at this point was probably a comedy show for the Fates: a boy good with a sword, a boy shipped to military school and turned out to be an army brat, turned out to be a hero, turned out to be dead, turned out to be a failure, turned out to forget who he was, turned out he remembered far too well who he was, turned out all his friends were dead, turned out that their ghosts still haunted him, turned out–

Turned out he didn’t even know who he was without his sword.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, a thousand times over, but the words wouldn’t come even when Link tried. The gentle smile Mipha gave him then was just too much. He wanted to cry.

But then a familiar warm chime played from beside Link, and Fi’s words seemed to work like a salve against the gaping hole in Link’s heart. It was just like Fi to cut right to the chase, to know that words of comfort and pointless platitudes wouldn’t help him nearly as much as some kind of plan would.  Master, I believe there is a way to understand why you have memories of your past incarnations. ...if you desire to pursue this path.

“Link?” Mipha asked, staring between him and the Master Sword with wide eyes.

Link couldn’t reply. Shock worked like that, and between his previous adrenaline high and the emotional rollercoaster that has been today, he was too scrambled to even look her way. He could only see a puff of flames and a brief wave goodbye when Zelda came back, hair wet, wearing one of his tunics and poking at the slate furiously.

“Link?” Zelda’s voice was less gentle than it had been before, tinged more with hesitance and uncertainty.

Link nodded in greeting and tried to pay as much attention as he could while talking with Fi. He was lucky that she remained in the sword for now, and that Zelda didn’t bat an eye at the sight of Link with the sword in his lap–to her, he was just keeping guard in his silent vigil, as usual.

It was all too easy for Link to tune her out.

What are you thinking, Fi?

It would be almost impossible to find the source of your memories if we don’t understand them first. The best course of action would be returning to Hateno to piece together what information we have currently before continuing our investigation.

And you think that if we do this, I can figure out why I’m like this? Link wondered. It sounded far too easy for him to believe it, especially after how difficult everything has been in the past year.

There is nothing wrong with you, Fi said easily, recognizing the meaning behind his phrasing. But, yes, it would at least help us better understand why Goddess Hylia deemed it necessary for you to remember your past lives when so many before you did not.

A thought came to him then, sudden and unbidden, as he watched Zelda gingerly sit down and hug her knees to her chest. Each little cut and bruise seemed to stand out from her pale-white skin, a niggling reminder in the back of Link’s mind. Failure. It was another thing that his ancestors before him did not have, but Link himself did. Why? Why did they get their victory, but he didn’t?

But even those lives he didn’t really win, did he? The price was always too steep, worth more than what he gained. Even when the heroes of old had been victorious, they had not escaped unscathed. Their names are well-worn into his memory. Midna, gone. Marin, lost. Little Aryll, kidnapped. Beyond that: Hyrule flooded, towns brought to ruin, Termina looping through time again and again as the world ended over and over. Princess and hero and demon, again and again and again and again….

After so many lifetimes, all their losses seemed to accumulate, lifetimes' worth of bargaining with dietes and fighting in wars all culminating in this moment. Would Link’s own failure become a part of this series of memories, a ripple effect that etches itself into Hyrule’s history throughout the course of time? Would he, too, eventually fade to memory as yet another hero raises his blade, unaware of the futility of the situation, how pointless his battles will eventually be?

If I could make sense of these memories, Link wondered hesitantly, quietly, afraid that someone may find a way to see his thoughts,

Could I end this cycle of reincarnation?

[unforth]

Hello unforth! Thank you for your wonderful blog, and the the untamed art blog!! I followed you years ago for destiel, and you were one of the people that got me into the untamed. I watched it last summer and have been binging various cdramas ever since!! I had a question for you about reading. After watching the untamed I read the novel, and didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I think you’re someone who prefers the show, but if not, sorry if I’m remembering wrong… hoping you understand. I want to try reading other novels but I found the romance in mdzs to be kinda off. I guess I’m wondering if you have a recommendation for the best novel you’ve read so far? It would be great if it’s one with fanfic but if not I’m still curious to try! I hope this didn’t come off as rude about the untamed, it’s just a personal preference. Thanks in advance, and thanks again for all your work in fandom!

Howdy! *waves*

You have not misremembered, I definitely prefer the Untamed to the novel of MDZS (and I'm with you, no shade on people with different preferences, of course!). I also didn't enjoy the novel of MDZS as much as I thought I would, though I think some of that was because I read the Exiled Rebels Scanalations translation which - again, no shade, translating that was a HUGE job and kudos to them - but I do here from native speakers that some questionable translation choices were made, which can detract from some people's enjoyment of the novel (and can enhance other people's, it just depends how those translation choices relate to each person's personal likes and dislikes).

Now, I can tell you what I've read and what I've thought of each one, happily - I don't know what turned you off about MDZS specifically, beyond an aspect of the relationship dynamic, so it'll be hard for me to say which of these might appeal to you more? But, here's a list of which danmei novels I've read, and my opinion. The list is shorter than you'd think - danmei novels are long and I read slow, lol.

Note that all of these end happy, for various definitions of "happy," and the main ship is canon in all of them. Also note that I tried to avoid spoilers, but sometimes it's hard to even talk about the ship dynamic without some mild spoilers.

These are (roughly) in the order I've read them; I just finished the last a few days ago. All art is by the official artists, but I'm not always sure what their names are, sorry - I've tried to figure them out for my art blogs but it's REALLY hard.

1. Mo Dao Zu Shi, by MXTX.

(since I'm writing this post for you, and you're already familiar with it, I'm not putting in TW and plot)

My take: I figure knowing my opinion of MDZS will help you assess all this? There are things I loved about MDZS, including the book, but MDZS is still obviously trying to figure out pacing. Whereas in SVSSS, the storyline doesn't always flow that smoothly and the ending is rushed, in MDZS in my opinion the biggest issue is that she clearly didn't plan some things ahead. For example, Miangmian and Wen Ning are both introduced within a few pages of when they'll be needed to Do Shit. It shows that she hadn't quite worked everything out as she was going, and every once in a while was like, "shit shit I need a character for this thing" and hastily added them. The plot itself is better paced, though, though I could have wished for a less talky denouement. When it was the only one I read, I also often thought, "this author doesn't understand consent," and, "this author has kinks I don't share." Now that I've read all three of her books, I completely retract the first one. MXTX absolutely understands consent, and was intentionally playing with it in MDZS. Not sure if the evidence of that got lost in translation, or what, but...yeah.

Relationship Dynamic: ...the second of those opinions, I still kinda feel. The consensual non-con is just not really my thing, like I'm okay with it in small doses? And I don't love some aspects of Lan Wangji's domineering attitudes and Wei Wuxian's act of bare tolerating it. And don't get me wrong, now that I'm more familiar with her work, I think it was an intentional writing choice and I also think they're both largely roleplaying it a lot of the time...but I still don't personally enjoy it much.

2. Scum Villain Self-Saving System, by MXTX.

Genre: modern transmigration into a fantasy xianxia world.

Where to find it: English translation by BC Novels | donghua season 1

Trigger warnings for: graphic descriptions of suffering, non-con of the "fuck or die" variety, and body horror...I can't think of anything else rn?)

Plot: SVSSS is MXTX's first novel, and is a satire of classic stag harem novels. Shen Yuan, the protagonist and half the main ship, is reading a serialized web novel by "Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky" about a demon named Luo Binghe who has a harem of over 3,000 women and has done all kinds of ghastly awful things. He hates this novel but has read all, like, 3 million words of it or something, and trolls every chapter...until one gets him so angry that he dies...and then he wakes up in the book right around when the book starts, in the body of one of the early antagonists, a cultivator named Shen Qingqiu who abuses a young, innocent Luo Binghe physically and emotionally and, ultimately, is horribly tortured to death. Shen Yuan, in Shen Qingqiu's body, thus sets out to not be horribly tortured to death by Luo Binghe. Hijinks ensue.

My Take: In terms of my opinion of it...SVSSS secured for me that MXTX is a much more brilliant author than I thought when I'd only read MDZS. She understands tropes and subverts them brilliantly throughout the story, and from a writing standpoint, I was impressed with her. However, from a plot standpoint...she's got all the ideas but hasn't, imo, yet figured out how exactly to bring them all together. The pacing is off at times, and the ending felt abrupt to me. It's also the only danmei I've read where I ship a side ship more than the primary one (which is, of course, Shen Yuan (as Shen Qingqiu)/Luo Binghe. (also, oops...I read SVSSS after TGCF and just put them in the wrong order, oh well, not gonna change it now.)

Relationship Dynamic: In terms of relationship weirdness...it's hard to sort in that regard, because, like, it's supposed to be weird? I think it's a really interest book but I'm not sure I'd recommend it in your situation. Bingqiu's main dynamic is...uh...tolerance and obsession? They're kinda hard to describe. Shen Yuan often seems like he's just kinda putting up with Luo Binghe, whereas Luo Binghe is...god. So hard to describe, lmao. He's a big clumsy ox in a museum full of porcelain dishes and he really, really loves his Shizun. (also note that Shen Qingqiu is Luo Binghe's teacher. They don't get together until after they're not master/student, but if that's not your thing, another reason to avoid.)

3. Tian Guan Ci Fu, by MXTX.

(art is by Starember)

Genre: historical China (loosely), xianxia (note that I'm still figuring out exactly how stuff gets classified so sorry if I get one wrong, but I think I kinda get it???)

Where to Access It: English Translation by the astonishing yummysuika | manhua (this is an official translation by Bilibili! It's a few chapters behind the actual release, but still...) | donghua season 1 is on Netflix | a live action adaptation is juuuuust getting started on script reading and filing

Trigger warnings for: MCD, temporary MCD, body horror, graphic violence, epic levels of mind fuckery, uh...genocide?...again, racism/colorism, probably other stuff, sorry, I can't take as long as I'd like to for this post so I'm not being as thorough as I oughta be.

Plot: TGCF is about Xie Lian, an 800 year old man, and it commences at the moment when, unexpectedly, he ascends to godhood...for the third time. Unfortunately, when he ascends, he accidentally does some damage in Heaven, and he has to repay that, so he gets sent back to earth to deal with a ghost who's been causing some problems. Hijinks ensue...and then fucktons of angst ensue...then more hijinks...then more angst...and basically it broke my heart like four times and I am grateful for it every day? The main ship is Xie Lian and a ghost named Hua Cheng, but it's hard to even talk about without some spoilers because of some identity shenanigans. (they're VERY mildly identity shenanigans, but still).

My Take: So, you asked what my favorite of the danmei novels I've read is? It's TGCF. TGCF is one of my favorite novels ever, and it has a growing fandom, a donghua that's on Netflix, and a live action that's just starting to film. TGCF is the culmination of the skills MXTX developed through her first two works, imo. She clearly plotted it out all from the start, and while Book 1 especially often seems kind of random - lots of elements are introduced and then kinda...apparently...forgotten? And never explained? But she actually DOES bring it ALL together and it's flat-out masterful. I'm a big fan, obviously.

Relationship Dynamic: it again depends on your preferences and what you didn't like about MDZS, and there's no way to talk about it without spoilers, so consider yourselves warned. Xie Lian ascended to godhood first at the age of 17, and right around then he also saved the life of a 10 year old boy...and that boy is Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng is a follower of Xie Lian's, in that Xie Lian is literally a god, and Hua Cheng is literally one of his followers. However, they're separated for almost 800 years, so the age difference is largely irrelevant, and while some people complain about Hua Cheng's behavior being stalkery and obsessive, I honestly think they're dead wrong. It's more like when you read a celebrity/fan AU, and it starts weird, and then they really genuinely fall in love. Like, the fan may have been in love the whole time, and how they felt about the celebrity before they really met might feel slightly ooky, but it's how they act AFTER they meet their idol that matters more, and...yeah, Hua Cheng is great, they're both great, antis fight me. Xie Lian is easily one of my favorite characters EVER, he is all my favorite tropes in one horribly, wonderfully fucked up martyristic idealistic sweet kind laid back package. I would kill for him, lmao. In terms of their relationship dynamic...they love and respect each other? There's really nothing that weird about it other than the aspects of the "fan" Hua Cheng that get revealed over time - and he's always terrified that when Xie Lian realizes what a fanboy he was, Xie Lian will be upset or disgusted, but of course Xie Lian never is. They adore each other. It's glorious. Highly recommend. :D There's also no explicit content in TGCF (unlike MXTX's other two books).

4. The Husky and His White Cat Shizun (aka 2ha) by Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat.

Genre: original world, xianxia, time travel, dimension hopping, it's so many things, 2ha is so hard to describe lmao

Where to Access it: English Translation by the amazing yummysuika (things are complicated, though, and it's not finished) | a manhua is in the works and should be out this year | a live action called "Hao Yixing" or "Immortality" is already filmed and could theoretically air literally any time cause it's completely ready, but when will it actually come? Who knows!

Trigger warnings: all of them. Literally. MCD, temporary MCD, murder, suicide, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, rape/non-con, abuse, manipulation, gas lighting, torture, graphic violence, body horror, literal graphic onscreen horrible blood murder of a small child (I had to skip that chapter), teacher/student relationship sort of but not exactly, probably other stuff, this book is dark as fuck, and a lot of these tags apply to behavior of one half of the main ship toward the other, but...it's complicated, and there are reasons things happen, and those reasons aren't "well they're just a bad person."

Plot: This is another one that's hard to describe because there's sooooo much mind fuckery going on, but I'll try. 2ha is about Mo Ran, who rises to be the Emperor of the World, Taxian Jun, but slaughtering all who oppose him...and who is so miserable that he commits suicide, only to wake up in his 16 year old body. This is pretty much perfect from Mo Ran's point of view, because he's gone back so far that the love of his life, his fellow disciple Shi Mei, is still alive. He has a chance to fix everything that went wrong, starting with preventing his awful evil Shizun, Chu Wanning, from letting Shi Mei die.

Spoilers: the main ship in this book is Mo Ran/Chu Wanning.

Hijinks do NOT ensue. There are no hijinks in 2ha. It is all pain all the time (but I swear it ends happy).

My Take: ...well, from a structural standpoint there are some pacing issues. The book is incredibly long (over 300 chapters, over 1 million words) and there are definitely some chunks that could just be excised and it'd still be fine. However, other than that, it's pretty amazing and absolutely masterful how it's plotted. As a reader you'll spend 100+ chapters thinking you know what's going on, and who the good guys are, and who the bad guys are, and how they relate to each other...and then Meatbun starts in on revealing what's ACTUALLY going on and she then spends 200 chapters repeatedly punching you in the face! Like, I went in knowing a LOT of spoilers, because the tags were so dark that I felt that for my mental health it was important I have a general idea what was going on, and I STILL ended up sobbing my eyes out (and I am NOT an easy crier and don't usually cry at books) over something I knew was coming.

Relationship Dynamic: That's about the only thing that the title accurately conveys about this book. "The Husky and His White Cat Shizun," sounds so soft and fluffy, right? That's how they get you, ha. But, Mo Ran is absolutely a big dumb husky who wants to do the right thing (well, sometimes he does) but just completely fails depressingly often. When he sees someone he likes come in the front door he WILL jump all over them and bark in their face as his way of trying to communicate affection. And Chu Wanning is equally absolutely a cat. He is emotionally constipated, poor at expressing himself, uptight, touch starved, desperate for affection, and so lonely my chest hurts when I think about him. And for how they relate to each other...well, picture that big dog greeting a loved one at the door...except that loved one is the most hide-bound proud white cat you can imagine.

That's their dynamic.

(However, also...there are multiple timelines at play, and Taxian Jun does some truly awful things to "his" Chu Wanning in the original timeline, and many of these things are graphically described, and while it's ultimately all explained, it still all HAPPENS, so if you're going to have trouble reading fucktons of abuse between the main ship, I would not recommend this book)

5. Thousand Autumns (Qianqiu) by Meng Xi Shi.

Genre: historical China (like, references actual people, as far as I can tell), xianxia

Where to Access it: ...reading Thousand Autumns is HARD, it's split over like four websites/translators. This Carrd can kinda help? I can get you the rest if you want | donghua season 1 | I heard there's a live action in the works? But I don't know more than that.

Trigger warnings: graphic violence, mentions/threats of sexual violence (but it's all stopped before things really go wrong), starvation, description of child death (from starvation), near-death, emotional/mental abuse, major semi-permanent character injury, god, minor character death, they're major characters depending on your pov, I can't actually think of others, after writing about 2ha it feels positively fluffy). Note that there's not really any explicit content, just implications of smut, and not til basically the very end and extras.

Plot: Yan Wushi, sect leader of a demonic sect, has just come out of an extended seclusion to improve his cultivation when he and one of his disciples come across a man who is wounded to the point of near death. This turns out to be Shen Qiao, the sect leader of Mount Xuandu. When Shen Qiao awakens from his wounds, he's lost his memory, AND he's blind, and Yan Wushi decides it would be great fun and an excellent use of his time to fuck with Shen Qiao by trying to turn him evil - because Yan Wushi is certain that ALL people are inherently evil, and shattering Shen Qiao's veneer of righteousness will just help prove that.

Spoilers: it's not a veneer.

Not spoilers: Not many hijinks ensue, but there are a few hijinks, and even when it's not hijinxed, it's still not that painful...usually.

My Take: despite that synopsis, a lot of the plot of Thousand Autumns is actually political, and I like political plots, so I liked that aspect of it. However, it has some serious pacing issues imo, and it's also hard to read in English atm because it's not fully translated; it's close, now, much closer than when I read it a few months ago, so it'll be easier to read soon. Or maybe I shouldn't say it's pacing problems, but rather, it's more of a sequence of multiple major plots, strung together, with the growing relationship between Yan Wushi and Shen Qiao playing out in the background. I think if I'd known there was no "one big plot" that would have actually helped me, because it kept feeling like, "Oh, THIS is the main thing," but it never was. Things would feel climactic...except then there'd be more. So it's probably better to actually think of it as more...episodic? And the episodes/stories build, and interrelate, and do have a culmination, but not all of them directly tie in, and not all the threads end up coming together/getting resolved.

Relationship Dynamic: early on, Yan Wushi is definitely abusive and manipulative, intentionally so, and I would argue that, imo, Shen Qiao falls for it. However, mid-way through, there's some big reveals, and after that when they're reunited Shen Qiao no longer takes any shit and Yan Wushi continues to act like he doesn't care even when he clearly does. They're not a typical ship in ANY WAY, and I'd say their relationship is more founded on mutual respect than on love. Indeed, in the author's notes at one point MXS actually says they doesn't see them as the kind of couple to ever exchange love declarations, and I thought that was really interesting and it really helped me to understand how they worked together because I'll own I struggled with at times. Yan Wushi is self-interested, often cruel, and ethically and morally dubious. Shen Qiao, on the other hand, could probably ascend to Daoist godhood, he's so pure. Yet...they DO work. I'd say "opposites attract" but that's ALSO not their main trope, not exactly. They're a VERY hard ship to explain, and I know some people who've read the whole book and still don't really...get them...and I've had to really think about them to wrap my head around them...but the more I've thought about them, the more I like them.

6. Those Years in Quest of Honor Mine by Man Man He Qi Duo.

Genre: historical fiction set in either actual China or make-believe China, I'm not sure if this is directly incorporated any real people

Where to Access It: English Translation by Perpetual Daydreams | manhua (untranslated, I'm not sure if there's anyone translating it into English) | I think there's a live action in the works? Not sure beyond that though.

Trigger Warnings: suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, drug addiction, drug abuse, chronic illness (different character than the drugs), manipulation, abusive, awful parents and parental figures (not all, but definitely some), some homophobia (but way less than there could have been), probably other stuff

Plot: After 7 years away, Zhong Wan returns to the capital of the Empire with the three children of his benefactor, the seven-years-dead Prince Ning. Prince Ning was executed for treason against the previous Emperor, and Zhong Wan has done all he can to protect and raise the three kids, but he's got a lot of worries about returning to the capital and what could happen to his charges if they get pulled into the politics surrounded the Emperor. But, even worse, he's got even more worries about being reunited with Yu She, nephew of the Emperor, with whom he has more than a little history...and about whom he has been lying for the past 7 years, claiming that he is Yu She's lover, in a bid to help use Yu She's reputation to protect Prince Ning's children.

Hijinks ensue.

And so does a political nightmare.

My Take: TYQHM was a hard book to get into because there are just so many characters and it's all about politics - this is NOT a xianxia or wuxia novel, and these characters are NOT cultivators. There's basically nothing supernatural in the whole book; instead, it's about Zhong Wan and Yu She figuring out their own histories, and accepting each other, while trying to survive in a political world that increasingly wants both of them dead. However, I adore political plots, and when all was said and done I really enjoyed it, and I'm trying tooth and nail to claw other people into the fandom with me, so far with basically no success. It only has like 15 works in English on AO3. And so not only does it not fit that requirement of yours...

Relationship Dynamic: ...I think you would also probably not like the relationship dynamic? Zhong Wan is a bit like Wei Wuxian-as-Mo Xuanyu, except more...genuinely? Like, it's his actual personality, not an act, in quite the same way. I don't mean the "flamboyantly gay" part...usually...he definitely has his moments...but he's just...like, he's been through so much that he'll basically say anything, and drag himself entirely through the mud, to distract people who might hurt the three kids (they're like 16, 13, 13, now I think? It was never THAT clear to me, tbh...certainly, all are at least 10...) and, later, Yu She. He has zero face, and doesn't mind having negative face when he feels the situation demands it...and Yu She, on the other hand, has MAJOR depression issues, is sure he deserves nothing, and mostly wants to destroy everyone around him and then kill himself, at least until Zhong Wan starts giving him a reason to live again. But, more than that...Zhong Wan is like the fucking epitome of a bratty subby bottom. He wants to get fucked SO bad. And Yu She is an incredibly reluctant dom, hilariously so at times, uncomfortably/manipulative so at others. When all was said and done, I was pretty fond of them both, but there were definitely moments that made me grimace, and given what you say of how you felt about MDZS, I think this one is less likely to be to your taste?

Bonus 7: Guardian by Priest. I never finished the novel version of Guardian because the translation had some issues that caused me not to enjoy it, so I won't get into it too much, but again, Guardian is a very different book than any of the others, because it's modern fantasy(ish, like, it's still deeply embedded in Daoist-related tropes but it's more "magic spells" and less "cultivation." Like, in terms of what it's like, it felt more like Japanese modern Onmyoji style stories, to me, than it felt like the ancient Chinese wuxia/xianxia cultivation stories.). I'm not gonna get into lots of details, because I read part of the book more than a year ago, and have seen the show (which is VERY different) like three times, so I can hardly even remember what they're like in the novel. There was definitely some weirdness, though? If you're potentially interested, I'd suggest starting with the drama instead. The plot for that is...

Plot: Zhao Yunlan heads a Special Investigation Unit in the human world tasked with maintaining a treaty between humans and the dixigren ("undergrounders") who are (in the show) aliens (in the book...it's the world of the dead). While doing this job, he keeps running into this professor, Shen Wei, who definitely knows more than he oughta.

Hijinks ensue.

And then it murders you with feels.

The live action streams from YouTube - here.

(Warning: uh, I don't want to give spoilers, but my "guaranteed happy ending" does NOT apply to the Guardian TV show...but it does apply to the book, as I understand it.)

*

Anyway, this was a terrible use of my time but it was definitely more fun than what I should be doing, and it's probably way more information than you wanted or needed, but since I wasn't sure what exactly you had in mind, I figured...might as well be thorough?

(Today's hyper-focus fail: this post, ha...)

[jam-is-my-food]

writing asks. all of them. ( for 50 uhh just write a paragraph about how hot emmy raver-lampman is in a suit please and thank you </3 )

fUCK YOU NESSIE

THAT’S IT IM DOING IT JUST TO SPITE YOU

this is gonna be long asf click keep reading at risk of death or boredom

1.     Do you listen to music when you write?

not usually, it's distracting

 2.     Are you a pantser or plotter?

naturally pantser but if i wanna actually finish smth i gotta plot it hh

 3.     Computer or pen and paper?

computer i'm not a boOmer /j i so am

 4.     Have you ever been published, or do you want to be published?

bitch i wiSh

actually technically i was published in this anthology thing once? and i think i have a piece in a magazine somewhere on the internet i forget those are cool

but yeah bye getting a novel published is my d r e a m (gotta write a novel first tho lawl)

 5.     How much writing do you get done on an average day?

n o t  m u c h

unless i get one of my bUrsts aka finishing a 2.3K almoons chapter before 8am the other week after procrastinating it for like two months 

but yeah jdsghliuedskj it um depends often none

 6.     Single or multiple POV?

i answered that for kiri so i'll just copy paste it over loll

mmm it depends. usually i do single? but i do do multiple occasionally. i almost never do alternating chapters, though, it’s usually more like part one is narrated by person a, part two person b etc.

 7.     Standalone or series?

baha like i could ever write a series (please, please be jinxing yourself rn refster) aside from that one trilogy when i was 7 but uh yeah atm just standalones but a series would be so cool in future 

 8.     Oldest WIP

the aforementioned trilogy. chronicles of clara. it is incREDIBLE. 10/10. so good. so, so good.

 9.     Current WIP

i haven't actually mentioned it on tumblr yet but hehehe it's called the wordweaver's apprentice it's fantasy and i'm v excited about it :DD that was ooc but :DD

 10.  Do you set yourself deadlines?

(also answered for kiri, copy-pasting over)

hahahahhahahuhdkjashdglauhsdaugediuskjlkehdsgihkdskhgdkjx

i? try?

it does not go well?

but then i never finish my projects?

send help pls im dying

11.  Books and/or authors who influenced you the most

lmao the list is too long

 12.  Describe your perfect writing space

somewhere w/o distractions

 13.  Describe your writing process from idea to polished

hm. idea. that's cool. that's cool. write it down. hype myself up. forget about it within a week.

el em mayo

but like

f r LMAO

okay but fr fr idk i don't usually finish stuff but it'd be idea, brainstorm, plot (sort of), write, agonize, write, finish, throw in the other direction and never touch again bc revision whos she

 14.  How do you deal with self-doubts?

cry and spam my friends

 15.  How do you deal with writer’s block?

i don’t - mm. i don’t tend to get writer’s block? or like - idk what to classify as writer’s block? bc sometimes i get blocked for a certain story, but then i get really into like poetry or sum for a week so it’s fine idk

 16.  How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied with a project?

o n e as i said i don't - revision is a no

 17.  What writing habits or rituals do you have?

uHhHhhhhh idk???

 18.  If you could collaborate with anyone, who would it be, and what would you write about?

*laughs in gfc*

 19.  How do you keep yourself motivated?

i don't. if you have any ideas please hmu i need it.

 20.  How many WIPs and story ideas do you have?

m a n y.

21.  Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write?

mmmmmmmmm i love cass i haven't written her in too long but i think she's probably my most well-done character to date and i'm so proud of her badkghewiludkjs

 22.  Who is/are your favourite pairing(s) to write?

c y i l l

though possible imeini (ship name needs revision) in future we shall see (from twa) (the aforementioned newish wip)

 23.  Favourite author

there are Many

 24.  Favourite genre to write and read

fantasy maybe? ooh dystopia is fun

 25.  Favourite part of writing

everything about it when i'm motivated hh, my problem is getting more motivation

 26.  Favourite writing program

oh idk huh?

27.  Favourite line/scene

idk?

 28.  Favourite side character

j o o s t

 29.  Favourite villain

i def have one but i forget

 30.  Favourite idea you haven’t started on yet

too many

31.  Least favourite part of writing

motivating myself :/

 32.  Most difficult character to write

mmmm i'm not really in the throes of a wip atm so idk

 33.  Have you ever killed a main character?

yessir

 34.  What was the hardest scene you ever had to write?

drunk will was surprisingly difficult in a fun way. def not the hardest but yeah

 35.  What scene/story are you least looking forward to writing?

god idk

36.  Last sentence you wrote

And then Mei was gone, and in the space that she'd filled, Imani whispered, "I wish I was like you."

 37.  First sentence or your current WIP

It is said that when we came to this stretch of Tatys land, it was empty.

38.  Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had

mm there was one about anthropomorphic chickens battling sentient fruits, the fruits in question also being six-year olds

 39.  Weirdest character concept you’ve ever had

s e e  a b o v e

 40.  Share some backstory for one of your characters

cass's mom used to have a drug problem & she would leave her alone for long stretches of time, she went to rehab and is now sober but it's where cass gets her abandonment issues from

41.  Any advice for new/beginning/young writers?

just write! no one taught me how to do anything, and there's no rules per se, aside from basic grammatical stuff. do what you wanna do, don't worry about others' reactions. this is cliche asf but true.

 42.  How do you feel about love triangles?

mostly gross, but they can be good.

 43.  What do you do if/when characters don’t follow the outline?

adapt. i  g o  w i t h  t h e  f l o w.

 44.  How much research do you do?

not much usually, depends on the genre of story. i do as much as i feel i need to. and ofc i have the random writer search history.

 45.  How much world building do you do?

in the past, not much. twa (once again my new wip) is fantasy, though, so i' m attempting to remedy that.

 46.  Do you reread your own stories?

i do! it's fun to look back at them after a few years and see how much i've improved.

 47.  Best way to procrastinate

random character headcanons/doodle writey spurt thingies

 48.  What’s the most self-insert character/scene you’ve ever written?

bAHA this one scene in the cHrOniCLeS of cLaRa book two when this girl lisa who was 100% self-insert got annoyed at her little sister daisy (sister-insert) for chewing too loudly and then proceeded to use her wAtEr pOwErs to like flood the house. that part was less self-insert.

 49.  Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?

bye that's so hard. c a d m u s & l a u r e n t tho cinnamon rolls are liFE.

 50.  Write a paragraph about how hot emmy raver-lampman is in a suit please and thank you

i don't gotta write my own bitch i have everything i need to plagiarize from right here

"Raver-Lampman’s enthusiasm is contagious. So is her laugh. It comes from deep inside, just like her voice, and it rings out — ricocheting off furniture and walls. Her head is shaved, all except for a distinctive swath of tight curls on the top and left side of her head. She has the tiniest septum ring in her nose, and a tattoo of what looks like a musical note behind her right ear."

- the clearly gay jessica belt

thank you for the ASKS darLING and thank you if you read this idk why or whether you're okay but yup

[vcngttpt-a]

ALL OF THEM. @mun meme ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

@deceptivetreat || mun q&a                      

                            ━━━━━━━━━▼━━━━━━━━━

||you are. the bane. of my existence. 

☯ Is there a muse you’ve always wanted to play?

hmm ig i’ll go with canon for this one because i have many ocs, but uh i really wanna write for seto from fragile dreams. i used to have an ask blog for him back in the day but that died quickly seeing as how dead the fandom is so- but i do love him with all my heart and i would love to be able to someday write him or something

♣ Is there an author(s) that you look up to with your writing skills?

rick riordan, marissa meyer and michelle rowen. i’ve read their books throughout middle school and high school and i still find myself going back to reread their books because i just love how their words flow as well as how engaging their plots are. i honestly hope i can reach rick riordan levels of skill whenever i get around to finishing my own novel!

♧ Is there an RP partner(s) that you credit for becoming a better writer?

one would have to be an old rp friend that we sadly don’t talk to anymore since she was the first one i started writing with a lot more back in high school as well as the one who would give me advice on how to improve and just be patient with me when i go stuck with writing our threads and also mikey (@snw-cnvs) since he also supports me outside of rp’ing to get me to write actually fiction drabbles. i just wish i could finish them lmao

♥ What’s your favorite ship with your muse?

all of my ships with mikey no i’m joking lolol i really love my ship with haneul because i’ve had him for two years now and he’s grown a lot because of his ship. he’s someone whose never believed that love was real and sure their relationship is a little rocky, but they both don’t really have the proper understanding for love until waaaay later. i also really love how whenever he’s with obe, he’s able to pull out this different side of haneul, someone whose so overconfident and quick to words, becomes at a loss for words and questioning himself a lot. i just love them best otp 

♡ Would you ever write a poly ship?

sure, i’d be down for it as long as our muses have the right chemistry as well as if i know both muns pretty well and if they’re also comfortable with it.

♦ What’s an AU that you’ve always wanted?

answered

♢ What’s an AU that you think just won’t work with your muse?

any au that causes too much of a shift in my muses’ personality. i’m usually willing to try any au but if it becomes too much that my muse basically becomes a different person i don’t like it. 

♔ What’s your opinion on teacher/student verses? Do you have any of these as threads?

eeeeh i dont really care, but i work at a school so the thought makes me like uncomfy because i don’t wanna think about work lolol but its also like fiction and i’m able to tell the difference between fiction and reality so yea. also no i don’t have any threads like that

♕ Do you like magic!anons? Why or why not?

not really. it became too much of a thing to deal with back in the day. i just like the simple things

⚜ What is the best time to write for you? Why?

nighttime because i’m fuckin nocturnal even tho i have a day job rip my sleep schedule and ever growing eye bags

★ What type of historical AU would you like to do one day?

Victorian era, or the prohibition era don’t ask me why i like them i don’t even know myself i just know i wouldn’t mind

☆ What type of fantasy AU would you like to do one day?

all of them. i’m a huge slut for fantasy in general. its one of the best things i love the most. 

☄ Do you think your muse would have liked going to high school sports games? Do you or did you go to high school sports games?

haneul: no, he’s not into those things, but also he was home schooled until he went to college

eiji: he used to play soccer in high school so yea

reese: do magic tournaments count? cause if so then yes

sage: no, i was the loser who hung out at the library with friends to sit around and read books and manga 

☾ Do you like writing smut? Why or why not?

okay, if it wasn’t obvious i used to rp back in middle school through high school and on tumblr and i have done my fair share of the sin once i turned 18. nowadays i’m pretty much like eh, but ig i could try again if the need arises, but it also depends on my mood ig? i’d have to write it with someone i’m completely comfortable writing with but also even then it’s gotten to the point i’m more like ig we can just fade to black yea? 

tbh i feel i got all the urges to write sin outta me when i was on my old en blog lmao i had so many smut threads on there i’m ashamed 

☽ Do you like writing angst? Why or why not?

yes god i love being able to break my muses because it’s so fun. like yea it also hurts because that’s my kid i’m hurting but i’m okay with that. it’s just something that adds realness to them because the world sure as fuck ain’t rainbow and sunshine

☼ What’s an FC that you’re dying to use? Why?

i have these icons that i squirreled away for awhile now and i really wanna use them but my brain is too dead to figure out who he could work for. like he was my first thought for reese but he didn’t really give off the right reese vibes so maybe i’ll dig around my oc bin and see who looks the closest to him 

or i cave and just make a brand new oc for him

☀ What’s an FC that you desperately want to play with? Why?

i’m not really picky about what fc write with tbh 

☁ What’s an FC that you refuse to play with? Why?

not really refuse to play - more like i’m eh with. if only because en used to be my main chara for a long time like, i was so deep into the magical boy lore that a good chunk of my headcanons became canon. but also it just…leaves a bad taste in my mouth even more so since the drama that happened in that fandom left me filled with fear and hesitance to rp for a good chunk like before. it just brings back bad memories and i thought i was moving past it when i was thinking about using him for reese but alas. some memories don’t leave

maybe one day i’ll either get to write en again or i can use his face as fc but we’ll see

☂ How does your muse spend a rainy day? How do you spend a rainy day?

haneul: he loves the rain and he’ll spend it either under an umbrella or just sitting there in the rain just letting it wash away his thoughts and fears for a little bit 

eiji: he’d spend it indoors playing a video game or playing with seto

reese: he’d prob be dumb and splash in the puddles because he likes to enjoy the little things. other times he’ll just ignore it and stay indoors either hanging with friends or studying and practicing his magic for his school’s next tournament 

sage: i like to spend it just lookin out my window with my kitty on my chest. i love the sound of it against the sidewalk and streets. 

☃ If your muse was cartoonized, what would their FC be? Why?

uh idk how to answer this tbh 

☺ What’s a character that you desperately want your muse to play with? Why?

toshi @ haneul *stares at @snw-cnvs* and also reese @ momo *stares at @deceptivetreat* but also i just want everyone to bother my boys i love them so much. 

☹ What’s a character that you refuse to play with? Why?

idk i’m pretty open for any character

☢ Are there any ships that you would like to write for one day? Any that you wouldn’t?

uh dunno. i’m open for any ships that have the right chemistry tbh just not haneul since he’s already taken

☣ What’s one thing that will make you drop a thread?

useless drama and or if i can’t seem to figure out where the thread is going for our muses. like if they don’t clash well i don’t wanna give tryin to grasp at straws. but i’m always down to try again unless it ends up the same than welp

♨ What’s a muse that you wished had lasted, but didn’t?

aaaah my supernatural brothers!!! i love them so much but they didn’t last and i’m not sure if i’m goin to add them on here or leave them in the void. 

❀ Do you like reblog karma? Why or why not?

i’m gonna sound old but i don’t know what that is hold on. *googles* oh okay yea no. that seems like too much pressure to do and i have too much anxiety to do that i’m sorry. 

✿ Do you have a mun FC? If so why did you choose that as your FC, and if not who would you choose?

yes. because i have so many icons it’s not even funny, but also before i got my  hair cut she looked the most like me and also i thought it’d be fun to be able to tell the difference between me and my boys 

see, back in the day i was the loser who would make ooc posts that included my muses and it was easy to have mun fc so you could do that and it was a lot fun, but it’s somethin i won’t so nowadays.

♪♩♫ Does music inspire your muse? What’s one song on your playlist that reminds you of your muse?

haneul: mirror part II

any of weiss’ songs work for him tbvh

eiji: rpg

reese: havent found one that works for him yet, so come back later

✂ Do you like to format your posts? Why or why not?

yes it’s all for the aesthetic 

✆ Other than RPing, what’s a hobby of yours?

i love to write and draw. lmao sometimes i don’t write drafts so i can write more of my novel or little drabbles that’s for friends. 

✉ Do you RP on any other platforms?

nope

❤ Have you or are you currently in love?

answered

❥ Has something ever happened for you to hate a ship? Why?

uh nope can’t say there has been.

ツ Who has been your favorite muse to play so far? Why?

haneul, eiji, lifty and shifty, and en

han and eiji because they’re both my ocs and it’s so much fun to see them develop and grow their characters more. 

en because i was able to write a lot of different aus, headcanons, and just develop a canon character until he pretty much just became my own character

lifty and shifty were my roots. i started in the htf fandom and had so much fun writing those lil shits. it was just my go fuckin crazy shit. i still have their icons and their old blog is still up and i do kinda miss them some days.

回 Which muse was the worst to play? Why?

i used to have an oc named harley who was a living doll and i haha came to hate him because i made him around the same time i created haneul and i always loved haneul because i put a lot of effort into him and not much in harley and i got annoyed and jealous that back then everyone seemed to love harley more him. so i pretty much tossed him to the curve adfhsdkfjh

sorry harley but you were also hard to write because you were too sweet and cliche for me 

✘ People come in a group. If I were to look on your blog, who would I see you interacting with the most?

@snw-cnvs and @deceptivetreat

ღ Do you have a personal blog? Do you share it with your followers or do you keep it private?

nah i haven’t used tumblr in years until now. i do have one but i don’t use it so idc it’s called @shouyoutheworld but again i don’t use it it’s…v old

▼ Do you keep your character in character even if they are one of the worst people in the world?

yes. what’s the point of writing and creating said character if you’re gonna sugar coat them?

▽ Why did you create this muse?

haneul: i wanted an oc who was really jaded and brat. i wanted to see him grow into something more even if its difficult 

eiji: i pretty much wanted a muse that i could dump all my useless game infos on

reese: i wanted a witch oc who had a rival that they both hated their guts for and eventually fall in love I’M SO RR Y THAT’S REALLY WHY HE WAS MADE FORGIVE ME BUT NOW I DEVELOPED HIM A LOT MORE FOR RP’ING PURPOSES BUT Y’KN OW

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

[eldritchsurveys]

oo6.

1. Do you have any sort of “secret” goals or dreams, where you think about doing something a lot, but haven’t told anyone about it or actually made steps to achieve it? Maybe something you aren’t quite serious about, but still like to consider? >> I’m not sure. I don’t think so. Making goals isn’t a thing I’m really into. I don’t like to focus my life on one thing (moving to New Orleans is the only thing that I’m focused on, and that’s causing me enough grief because I can’t really do anything about furthering that process, it’s just a waiting game), because it has a tendency to tunnel my vision. I like to be open to as many opportunities as possible, and also... what kind of goals would a person like me have, anyway?  2. Does your town/area have a farmer’s market? Do you ever buy your vegetables there rather than grocery store? >> There are probably quite a few, but the one I know about is down the road from me. I haven’t been there when they start selling foodstuffs yet; I’m looking forward to finally buying produce from there, though. 3. Has anyone ever “ruined” anything for you (for example: your partner says, “oh, this song always reminds me of my ex” and you never want to listen to it again, or your friend is so obsessed with a movie that you start to resent the film)? >> Nah. That reminds me of Vlad, though, and how Sigma and Crystal fucking ran Repo! the Genetic Opera into the fucking ground around her to the point where Vlad refused to ever watch it or have anything to do with it. Like, damn, how obnoxious do you have to be to drive someone to that point. (Obviously if someone doesn’t find it obnoxious, then go ape-shit -- but if someone’s like “please stop singing these songs literally all the time” and you keep doing it? You’re the asshole in this situation.) 4. If you had a significant other and somehow got a chance to kiss your celebrity crush, would you still go for it? >> I don’t think my significant others would have anything against me kissing Idris Elba LMAOsdnfkglkj 5. If you still live with your parents, is it scary for you to imagine living away from them when you move out on your own? If you live on your own, how did you cope with moving away from your family for the first time? >> I didn’t really have time to acclimate to the change. I left my father’s house and drove myself straight back into the lion’s den that fucked me up the first time, because trauma does weird shit to people and in my case at that time, it made me... go back to it. And predictably, more fucked up shit happened, and I ended up back at my father’s house anyway, and then I turned 18 and got put into the hospital for suicidal ideation, and after that I was... on my own. Officially. And I had a drug-addict boyfriend, which took up all my time and energy, so I once again had no time or energy to process the fact that I was an adult out in this world that I was in no way prepared for. So, you know. I coped wonderfully!

6. Do you tend to be attracted to people that are more similar to you in interests and mannerisms or do you tend to be attracted to someone opposite/complementing to you? >> I really don’t, like... think about it. I’m just attracted to whom I’m attracted to. I trust there’s a reason for it, but I don’t make a big deal out of looking for the reason. 7. If you could choose your dream cast for a movie, name 3-4 actors you’d choose to be in it. >> Hmm. 8. Is there something that people complain about that just makes your roll your eyes because you think is not a big deal and you would gladly trade your own issues for it? >> Unfortunately, yeah, and every time I feel that way I have to talk myself out of it, because it’s uncharitable and short-sighted, not to mention dismissive of other people’s experiences and traumas. But, you know, being human, and all. It be’s like this sometimes. (It’s usually about people I don’t know, like, teenagers on tumblr complaining about... idk, their parents or something.) 9. Does it bother you when you find out that your friends have hung out without inviting you? >> This is definitely not a problem I have.

10. Have you discovered or learned anything that’s excited you, lately? If not, do you ever actually feel excitement when learning about something new? >> Sure. I mean, I don’t remember what exactly now, but that’s a familiar feeling. 11. What is a talent that a lot of other people desire or value but you really don’t care to have (e.g., singing, etc.)? >> Hmm... playing an instrument, I’d say. I like singing just fine. And I love to listen to other people play instruments, I don’t need to play one myself. 12. Do you remember the first time you consciously took a stand for your own rights (e.g., walking out of class while offended)? If you don’t remember the first time, can you explain one time when you’ve done this? >> Yeah, I really don’t remember the first time I might have done something like this. I don’t even remember any time I’ve done anything like this. I don’t think I like... take a conscious stand for things. I don’t know. 13. Is there something that you would claim as the best purchase you ever made? >> Probably not. I mean, I make decent purchases, but nothing that stands out. 14. Have you ever received an unwanted gift from someone trying to woo you? Did you accept it or reject it? >> I don’t think so. 15. Do you find that you compare yourself to others often? What sort of things do you find you compare most? >> Nah, I don’t do it all that often. Like, it happens sometimes, but it’s not a big problem I need to fix or anything. Sometimes I compare my relationship with Wednesday to other people’s relationship to [their personal incarnations of Wednesday], and that’s dumb but I know it comes from my anxieties regarding religious things in general. Christian leftovers, basically. Religious trauma is the issue I need to work on, not necessarily my knee-jerk comparing. 16. Do you ever do something in public and then worry that you might have embarrassed the people you were with? >> Sometimes, but that’s usually because substances were involved. It’s not a big problem now. 17. What was the last thing to make you really inspired to write or create art? If you don’t remember the last thing, do you ever find yourself struck by sudden inspiration? >> I do find myself struck with sudden inspiration on occasion, but I try not to depend upon that. Inspiration is fickle, and sometimes you just need to sit down and write whether it shows up or not. 18. Are you excited at all about the upcoming The Perks of Being a Wallflower movie? >> LOL 19. Would you say that you have a competitive streak when it comes to certain things? Which situations bring out the competitor in you? >> I’m really not competitive at all. In a battle of natural selection, I’d fucking lose so hard. 20. Have you ever boycotted a product or corporation? How come? >> Nah. 21. Are there any people whom you aspire to be like? Which traits do you find in those people that you wish to emulate? >> I mean, everyone I know has at least a couple of traits that I’d like to develop more in myself. Whether I do it or not is another story, lmao. 22. Are you a registered bone-marrow donor? If not, would you be interested in registering (bethematch.org) or is there something that turns you away from it? >> I’m not, but Sparrow is. The moment she said that it’s hella painful I was like “okay, donation is noble and wonderful but uh. I’m good” 23. If someone asks you to hang out, but for some reason you’re just feeling lazy/don’t want to go anywhere, do you ignore them, make up an excuse, or just tell them the honest truth? >> Listen, people who are going to be friends with me need to know that I’m gonna need days to just veg out at home and decompress and shit, or even to just be by myself for a little while, so I might as well be honest from the gate. I’ll try to make it up to them another day. 24. Do you think it should be illegal for gas stations to sell synthetic drugs (like K2 and Bath Salts) under the guise of them being “potpourri,” or do you think it’s not the gas stations’ fault for trying to make a penny, it’s the user’s fault for abusing the potpourri? >> I do think that should be illegal, because I’ve witnessed first-hand what K2 does to people. I even tried it myself, and oh my god, fuck that shit to hell. It’s... it’s disturbing. It’s so disturbing. I wish it’d go the fuck away. And while I’m all for personal accountability, I feel that’s an unnecessarily callous stance to take when it comes to substance use and abuse. There are a lot of factors that go into substance use and abuse -- mental health, socioeconomic position, the usage habits of one’s community, social alienation, desperation... like, the nuances are myriad. Saying something like “well they could just NOT use it” is an easy way to earn my distrust. 25. Have you heard of or even read the novel, “50 Shades of Grey”? If so, what’s your opinion about it? >> Heh. Yeah, I tried to read it. I didn’t get very far. I did see the movie, though! I used to feel a lot more strongly about it, but honestly, that was a waste of my fucking energy and I was just being ridiculous. It’s not that deep. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #112

“i’m like a jesus crisis.”

Have you ever kissed someone who was drunk?  He wasn't wasted or anything, but I'm pretty sure he was drunk with how ungodly talkative he was, and was way more expressive of emotions than he naturally was. Do you like going to weddings?  I do again now.  Although I haven't been to one since recovery, I'm sure I'd handle it fine and actually be happy this time.  I need to get more comfortable in that setting since I'd actually really like a big part of my hopeful photography career to be weddings.  Such a big celebration of love is something I adore.  I already just like taking pictures of couples. Who was the last person you know who became pregnant?  BECAME pregnant, uh, I think a person I'm actually doing pictures for in January. Beach, city, or mountains?  M O U N T A I N S.  DAMMIT they're so beautiful. You get a call at 2:00 a.m. - your first thought is:  My instinctive answer to this question is, "is something wrong with Sara?"  I live with my mom and sister, so it wouldn't be them, and it's not like Ashley calls me if there's trouble, she'd call Mom.  Dad would call Ashley.  She's pretty much the only thing that would come to mind if someone called me at 2:00 A.M. Future names of your children:  I'm not having kids, but I'd absolutely name my daughter Alessandra and my son probably Luther, Vincent, or Victor. How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)?  She's aware I'm a virgin but have "done things." Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouses’ names?  Nick and very recently Joshua.  I don't know if one's married or anything whatsoever, two are in relationships, idk about my brother. Do you think age matters in relationships?  In romantic relationships, yes. What brand of face wash do you use?  Biore. What’s the last letter of your last name?  S Did your parents give you an allowance as a kid?  No, we couldn't afford to do that. Would you ever consider moving to another country for your career?  No, and that's the reason I'm not pursuing being a meerkat biologist. Do you have any lingerie? Lol no, no one wants to see me in that. What was the shortest amount of time you knew someone before dating them?  A few weeks.  Maybe a little less than a month. What is your favorite app on your phone?  Fuckin' thanks Sara, DragonVale.  I love Pinterest more when I actually go on it, but I don't use it a lot. Which of your pets were you closest to in your lifetime?  The dog I have now, Teddy. Who are you most proud of?  Myself.  I don't mean that in an arrogant way, but seriously.  I don't over-exaggerate what I've been through, but I don't make it sound lesser than what it was, either.  I know I should be proud. When you’re eating pizza do you add anything like crushed peppers, parmesan cheese or hot sauce to it?  No.  Jason got me into adding hot sauce to jalapeno pizza (we wanted death, I know), but I don't do it now.  Loved it, but I think it being slightly less hot was more enjoyable. When was the last time that you plucked your eyebrows?  I've never plucked them; I used to get them waxed, but no longer do.  Don't see the point- they're just going to grow back, and quickly, and I'm not wasting money on that maintenance.  It's not like normal eyebrows are hideous anyway. Do you ever argue or debate with people about your beliefs? I will avoid this at all costs.  I hate it. When’s the last time you had Sunny D? Holy moly, I couldn't tell you.  But it used to sometimes give me heartburn, so I could only fucking imagine drinking it now if I hadn't taken my heartburn medication. Would you turn a family member in if you see them commit murder?  Duh. Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? A total stranger, honestly, no.  I don't know anything about that person.  Could be a piece of shit. Have you ever embarrassed someone intentionally in public? I don't remember ever doing so, and I never could now.  As someone with AvPD, I know how fucking awful embarrassment can be.  Plus it's just rude to try to make someone uncomfortable like that. Are you more likely to believe a man or woman? I'm perfectly aware this is wrong, but a woman.  I'm afraid of and don't trust men. Are you satisfied with the picture on your ID card?  Hell no.  Thank God I look like a totally different person now. What fruit did you last eat?  Hmmm, maybe strawberries? What font do you use most? I prefer Garamond for basic things. Are you allergic to anything? Pollen, big time, and silver. Where is your dad from? Ohio.  ... Or maybe he was born in Michigan but grew up in Ohio.  Idk. Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into?  Ashley's co-worker's. What was the first thing you learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs.  And it's still the only thing I know how to cook lmao. What are some wild animals commonly found where you live?  Squirrels and birds are the only things you commonly see.  But you'll see a deer sometimes, too, and more rarely a rabbit.  I think I've seen a fox once in my entire life.  Oh yeah, you'll see possums and raccoons sometimes at night. Does it take a lot to make you cry?  Noooope.  Well, yes to physical pain. What’s the longest hospital stay you’ve had? For what?  Uhhh I think I was there for two weeks.  Mental stuff. Do you know any same-sex married couples?  Hm... I actually don't think I personally do. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?  There was a point where we dated, Jason was like my only real life friend lol, so he was.  Now I call my girlfriend my best friend, but if you don't include s/os, then my current one would be a guy. Skim, 1%, 2% or whole milk?  Eh, probably 2%. Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Personally, I wasn't physically attracted to him.  But he's definitely not an ugly guy or anything. Do you prefer to say “haha” or “lol?”  I'd say I use them just about the same amount... maybe "lol" more? How many stories does your house have?  One. Were you dreams very vivid as a child? Yes. Do you eat meat?  If you do, what is your justification for it? Yes.  One, the human diet is meant to contain meat.  It's much easier for our bodies to receive the nutrients it needs with meat.  Two, it's part of population control.  Yes, I know, you could argue the exact same for humans, but it's not like a sane person's gonna start eating humans.  Three, it's just the food chain.  Humans are on top of it.  The process of killing an animal for food seems horrible and cruel, I know, and I doubt I personally could do it unless it was a survival situation, but I don't see it as morally wrong. Do you think that time travel is a possibility?  I don't think it's possible, really.  And if it ever happened, you can bet we'd fuck shit up. Do you enjoy night or day better?  I've actually gotten to where I enjoy day.  I strangely have a much higher chance of experiencing anxiety at night, which has kinda turned me away from it.  Plus I have more energy and am generally in a better mood over all in the early day. Have you ever been to a protest? No.  But the more and more passionate I get about gay rights, I'd absolutely partake in a *peaceful* protest regarding that subject now if one was nearby. Worst decision you ever made?  Let a heavily flawed person essentially become God to me. Do you like to hang out with friends one-on-one or in groups? Eh, depends on the mood of those who would be involved, including myself. Bambi or Nemo?  Nemo.  I've actually never seen Bambi, but I love Nemo.  Lil cutie. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook?  Don and Aaron, yeah.  Well wait, Juan too, but I barely even consider him an ex. Has your partner ever accused you of cheating, when you actually didn’t? No. If your hair is long, would you ever think about having it cut short? Or, if it’s short, would you like to grow it long?  I have a short portion on the left and then the rest is shoulder-length.  After seeing myself with a bit of short hair, I'm thinking of getting a purely short haircut eventually.  Built my confidence up when Mom said she thought I'd probably look nice with a short hairstyle after seeing my new haircut.  It'd be something different. What area of science interests you the most?  Genetics. Have you ever been in an inflatable bouncy house? Yeah. Do you think there will be a WWIII?  Yes, eventually.  I don't think humanity's going anywhere too soon, and there's too many militant people. What are things you’re exceptionally good at? Uh.  Going into full-blown panic mode over stupid shit??  That's my specialty. Do you have any good book ideas?  I think a ton of the stories within my friend group's RP would make amazing novels, but I highly doubt any of us will ever actually make books about it. In all honesty, can a person be too nice?  Mixed feelings.  I just don't think some people deserve being nice to, but a part of me says you should treat everyone with kindness regardless, all the while not letting people get away with shit. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse?  Fuck yes it can be.  Some people will take one worse than the other, but both are fucking awful.  Both can ruin someone's life. Zelda Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I have zero interest in Zelda. Do you own a rosary? I'm sure I have one somewhere.  I was raised Roman Catholic, and essentially every Catholic has one. What's the hardest game you've ever played?  Fucking Dark Souls.  I gave it a good effort, but did nooot get that far.  The difficulty honestly drained all the fun out of it.  The hardest game I've ever beaten, uhhh... omg.  Maybe it was just my age/when I played it, but "The Legend of Spyro: The Eternal Night" was so.  Fucking.  Hard.  It literally took me a year or so playing it on-and-off to beat it.  Fantastic game, but my god it was hard.  "Parasite Eve" was also pretty damn hard (mostly thanks to the last boss, jc), but I definitely beat it faster. Would you ever try Fear Factor for one million dollars? Why or why not?  No, wouldn't see the point in wasting the time.  I KNOW I would never get past the second day where you eat some crazy shit.  Nope.  Couldn't do most things they do due to me being a germaphobe, either. If you have a camera, when do you use flash? I never do because I hate the lighting personally, plus the red eyes are just no.  I'd need to learn more about properly using it. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy and Grandpa. What color do you usually paint your nails? I don't paint my nails. Do you look better with red lipstick or black lipstick?  I personally think black.  It fits me better. How many times have you actually been in love?  Once.  I'm not to that point in my current relationship, but I most certainly love her.  There's a difference. How many pills do you take a day?  Five. Have you ever been around someone who was high?  Yeah. Do you want a church wedding?  Definitely not, that's way too traditional for my taste. Have you ever met any celebrities? Lol you don't meet celebrities among my interests in NC.  One day. Have you ever tried archery?  No, but I was interested in it once. Favorite foreign food? Hm.  I'm not sure. Were your ancestors royalty? I only know of Queen Victoria. Does your house have air conditioning throughout, or do you have one that sits in your window? Throughout. Would you ever move to Canada? Sure.  I mean it wouldn't be my first pick for sure, but there's beautiful landscapes, and it at least seems to have way less drama than here. What about Kansas?  Tornado Alley?  Fuck that shit. When you go swimming, do you put your hair up or down?  I keep it down. What do you think is the coolest piercing on someone else?  Ohhh.  This really depends on the person.  Coolest... probably collarbone dermals.  If mine were actually prominent and dermals didn't make me nervous, I'd probably have them.  They're beautiful, but seem super painful.  And risky. Are you attracted to girls?  I've pretty quickly realized I'm more attracted to them than men both physically and emotionally. Growing up what were your favorite cartoon characters?  I loved both Pikachu and Ash. Do you know anyone in a wheelchair?  I don't believe so. If heaven or hell didn’t exist and wasn’t a reward would you still make an effort in being a good person? Duh. Do you want your kids to go to church, synagogue, temple, mosque? Why?  If I had kids, I wouldn't force them to go.  I don't even go. Do you think starting a gofundme is begging or helpful?  It can be either depending on the reason and person's honest intentions. Could you put your dreams on hold to support your bf/gf pursuing theirs? On hold?  Yes. How long should sex last?  It depends on the couple and how they're feeling.  But once one person wants to stop, you stop. Five year plan? Go!  Move out and have a stable job.  Those are the main two things.  Other things will fall into place. Can you be content if you are physically uncomfortable?  I couldn't be. Do you have pictures of your friends, and family in your bedroom? No. How old were you when you went on your first date?  That was like 7th grade, don't know age.  Me, Aaron, and I think two other friends went to a roller rink.  It was enough of a date for middle schoolers lol. Have you ever had surgery, if so for what?  Tubes put in ears when I was 2, pilonidal cyst surgery July this year. Have you ever seen a shark, and if so, were you scared? Never in the wild, just in aquariums.  They never scared me.  Such majestic creatures.  Now if I saw one in the ocean, yeah, I'd be scared. Have you ever gone fishing, or is that totally yucky? Fishing with Dad may just hold my all-time favorite childhood memories.  One of my most cherished memories is this time Dad, Nicole, and I woke up really early to go out on the boat at the nearby river to fish 'til around noon, when activity slows down.  So peaceful and beautiful out there, I'd love to fish there again with him.  I remember it so clearly that I can recall I packed those tiny 3 Musketeers chocolates and Nicole brought Snickers, lol.  Didn't have breakfast since we left so early.  Man... so many good memories related to fishing. Do you enjoy museums, or think they are totally boring? I.  LOVE.  Museums. Do you think illegally downloading things is wrong?  My conscience says yes.  You're stealing.  Yet I still download music.  Oops. Have you and your friend ever liked the same guy/girl?  Not that I know of. Do you tell your best friend everything?  I tell Sara just about every little thing. Ever taken any lessons for anything? Guitar lessons, yeah. Do you call it pop, soda, or fizzy drink?  Soda. Do you like french fries, cheese and gravy mixed together? Uh, that sounds horrid, even without the fact I hate gravy. Do you live in a house, apartment, or what? House. How hot does the temperature get in the summer where you live?  Mid-high 90s, low 100s.  Sometimes high 80s. When was the last time you had a headache? What about stomachache?  Headache, a couple days ago or so.  I get them a lot.  Stomachache, not since I got sick two or so months back. Where is your second home?  Uh.  I guess my dad's? Honestly, could you live without your computer?  Honestly, after being exposed to one for so long, I couldn't live happily, no.  Not unless I just adjusted to not having one after a very, very long time, but I don't even know if that would happen. What is more annoying, people who take forever to reply to texts or when they only say ‘K’? I stg do not reply to me with just "k." Is family the most important thing in your life? If not, what is? My definition of family is different than the traditional.  Just like friends, for me, you pick "real" family.  Say I'm related to an absolute asshole; by actual definition, they'd be family, but to me, nope.  I can put other people above "actual" family, so to answer the question, not necessarily. After taking a shower, do you change in the bathroom or the bedroom?  Bathroom. Are you completely over your last relationship?  There was nothing to get over.  I never got to where I loved him and doubt I ever could.  It was just awkward. Last 3 movies you watched?  "Monster House," "Corpse Bride," and uhhh... pretty sure "Coraline." Do you get stage fright?  Well, when I used to dance, it wasn't that bad since I was with others.  Now, I'm not so sure how I'd be. When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly?  February. Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? Pretty sure yes. Do you love your computer? MY laptop, yes.  The one I currently have to use, ew. Is there an outdoor movie theater where you live?  No. Have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk?  Both.  Mom claimed she wasn't, but I think she was. Do your parents vote? Mom does, idk about Dad. What’s your favorite thing to eat during a movie? Popcorn. Do you like cherry Pepsi? I like cherry Coke. Would you rather live without your Facebook or Tumblr? Facebook. What Lisa Frank character is your favorite?  Ohhh, the angelic cat. If you inherited a large sum of money what is the first thing you’d buy?  A train ticket. What did you do with your baby teeth when they fell out?  Mom kept them. What is the last thing you took a photograph of?  My snake. <3 Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many?  It's technically a bookshelf I think, but we store our DVDs there. If you answered yes to the above, are your books ordered in a special way? The DVDs are in alphabetical order. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? If they were guaranteed to not attack their owners/be docile and I could care for it appropriately, sure, I'd keep a smaller raptor. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? It's not consistent. If you could choose only one thing from Walmart, what would it be?  Hot fries or Takis, depending on my mood. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head?  Dye everything.

[melorsomething]

1-20 for the "Asks for fic writers" -whitepip

hoo boy we about to shed some light on the other fandoms i’m in 

1. Describe yourself how you would describe a character you’re introducing

Okay this is difficult because I am notorious for not describing characters right away. One time someone told me it was a little upsetting to have gone 10 chapters only to discover that the main character’s hair wasn’t even the color they thought it was because I had never described it… but anyways, if I was describing myself as a character, I guess it’d go something like this???

She gave him a pointed look, eyebrows slightly raised as if to say, ‘Really? That’s what you’re going with?’ At his stuttered protests, she chuckled slightly and said, “No, it’s a good idea. Definitely a good idea. Nothing’s gonna wrong. At all.” The tuft of curly hair atop her otherwise shaved head bobbed with each statement, seeming almost to nod in agreement. He wasn’t sure exactly who this girl thought she was, but he could already tell they weren’t going to get along.

2. Is there any specific ritual you go through while/before/after your writing?

I usually procrastinate it for a while, and then procrastinate some more, and then I write like 100 words, then I cry, and then I finally get some more writing done ;)

3. What is your absolute favorite kind of fic to write?

Literally all of my fics (or anything I write) are very character oriented. I like to focus on the relationships (interactions, not necessarily and not very often romantic) between characters. So basically I write character studies, I guess.

4. Are there any other fic writers you admire? If so, who and why?

Since I’m in so many different fandoms, it’s hard to say since there’s so many different ones, but if anyone else happens to be in the Love Live fandom, I absolutely adore fics by IcarusWings87. They’re great at the sort of character-study fics that I enjoy both reading and writing, and they write very true to the characters, something that I’ve always felt I struggle with.

5. How many words can you write if you sit down and concentrate intensely for an hour?

Uh, not really sure. About a year ago I was focusing on writing a 5k chapter a week for a fic, and I used about 45 minutes of class time a day for that, so that’d be maybe 1300-1400 in an hour. Last NaNoWriMo my record in the word wars I did was 722 in 10 minutes, so I don’t really know. When I was in 8th grade I had a narrative assignment due the next day that I hadn’t even started on, and I cranked out about 11k words in 3-4 hours. So, I guess it just depends on how inspired I’m feeling.

6. First fic/pairing you wrote for? (If no pairing, describe the plot)

Alright friends let’s dive back down the childhood rabbit hole. The first time I can remember really discovering fanfiction as a concept was when my big obsession was House of Anubis. So, naturally, my first fanfic was a HoA fic. I don’t know if any of you remember that show, but anyways, it was a pretty edgy Fabian/OC fic about a mirror in the house that was a link to another dimension and a girl that escaped whatever evil things were happening there or something (idk this was like 8 years ago) by coming through the mirror. I wrote maybe 2000 words of it and then dropped it and forgot all about it.

7. Inspiration, time, or motivation. Choose two.

I prefer to have time and motivation, because inspiration isn’t super necessary to me at the time of writing, since I can plan things out if I get inspiration when I have no time.

8. Why do you choose to write?

Honestly? I have no idea. It’s just something that I’ve always loved. I think it’s a way for me to satisfy the things I wish I could read but no one else writes lmao

9. Do you ever have plans to write anything other than fic?

Definitely! One of my big goals is to write and publish a novel, and I already write a lot of original stuff along with my fics!

10. What inspires you the most?

Pain.

Just kidding. I don’t really know, tbh. Inspiration from me comes from anywhere and everywhere. A lot of the time it comes in the form of fix-its for things that happen on tv shows that I wish went differently, which I then adapt to fit plots and characters that I have. Music is a big one, too, though strangely enough music without lyrics inspires me more than music with lyrics.

11. Weirdest thing you’ve ever written/thought about writing/etc.?

Uh, the squad and me have some pretty… interesting collaborative wizard101 fanfics. Maybe I’ll share them with you one day. But for now, I’ll leave you with some keywords and leave the rest to your imagination.

-Squeaky toys-Anime-Lemons (in many senses of the word)-Vore?-BDSM-Breast…mancing-Mylee

fssdgfsdfg i just remembered i did post one of them to my blog so here u go 

12. A fic you wish you had written better, and why?

All of them, because I honestly don’t feel like I’m that good of a writer.

13. Favorite fic from another author?

I mentioned IcarusWings87 before and I stand by that their Thoughts and Insecurities fic is one of the best fics I’ve ever read. If you like Love Live, definitely go check them out.

14. Your favorite side pairings to put in?

I really don’t write a lot of relationships in any of my stories. I guess if there are side pairings it’d be because they are canon and I don’t want to overlook them.

15. Your guilty writing pleasure?

Pain, and I’m not kidding this time. I absolutely love writing/reading stories that would be generally tagged as whump. I’m a goddamn sucker for miscommunication as well.

16. Do you have structured ideas of how your story is supposed to go, or make it up as you write?

It really depends on the story. I generally have an idea of major plot points the story needs to hit, but not always a proper plan. My current longest fic (which is actually for undertale hello yes i’m trash) had virtually no planning and was just me cranking out those 5k chapters and seeing where it took me, whereas Crystal Clear actually has almost every plot point planned out for the first half of the story.

17. Would you describe yourself as a fast writer?

Once I get going, I’m definitely pretty fast, but it takes me a while to get started on things…

18. How old were you when you started writing?

I’ve always enjoyed writing for school assignments and such, but I think that HoA fanfic at age 9 was one of the first things I had ever really written just for the sake of writing it. I might have written a Warrior Cats fanfic too… I’m not too sure if that was just an idea or if it ever came to fruition.

19. Why did you start writing?

I started writing simply because I could, I guess. It was something I had always been told I was pretty good at and since I loved to read, I figured I could make the stories happen as well as consume them.

20. 4 sentences from your work that you’re proud of

Okay back down the trash chute this is from my undertale fic and it’s more than 4 sentences but I was really proud of it okay?

Sans had never been one for hope. He had lived his entire life surrounded by the hope of breaking the barrier and seeing the surface, but he had never experienced this hope. Now, of course, he could hope in the verb sense - it was quite often that he hoped someone would or wouldn’t do something - but that’s not really hope, is it? Such a feeling is more of a desire or a want, and this was the feeling Sans was used to. To him, hope was something you did, not something you had. He had never understood hope as an intangible thing - as some abstract concept that you hold onto just because you can. So, one could imagine his surprise when, as he stood in the shadowed corridor, he felt hopeless.

[hashtagartistlife]

2016 Fic Recap

Thanks to the beautiful and talented @sequencefairy for the tag! 

total number of completed stories:

In total: 38

Bleach: 30 (28 english stories + 2 korean ones) 

Miraculous Ladybug: 4 (2 english + 2 korean) 

Naruto: 1

Fairy Tail: 1

Noragami: 1

GSNK: 1

total word count:

45841 words in finished fics, but if we include my published in-progress fics, the number jumps to 68286. If we want to add up the words I have scattered around in as-yet unpublished fics..... ngl, probably about double that number :’/ :’/ :’/ 

fandoms written in:

Answered that one above. 

looking back, did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

Jesus god I haven’t written this much fic..... well. ever. I’ve always dabbled in ficwriting, but I thought of myself as primarily an artist-- this year is the year that cemented the fact that, hey! Maybe I want to be a good writer as well. Basically I wrote about 10 times as much fic as I ever expected to write, but it’s all good  :’D  

what’s your own favorite story of the year?

fdnfjfhujkdfjrs UM probably The Search for Delos; it came to me really vividly and I wrote it all in pretty much one sitting. When I was done, I was genuinely very surprised that I had a piece like this in me. It’s somewhat different from my usual writing style, and it deals with some heavy themes, but this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to achieving my writing style goal of being simple but vivid and achingly profound. 

did you take any writing risks this year?

I joined IRBB, which was risky considering my track record of MONTH-LONG WAITS between chapters and my muse being flighty like icarus :’/ case in point: im only 4000 words in and im stuck as hell. Aside from this, I. uh. Wrote nsfw for the first time and discovered joint writing, which is a wonderful, wonderful thing. 

do you have any fanfic or profit goals for the new year?

I want to try and finish cyclical this year, but as long as I keep a semi-regular update schedule on that one (once a month, or thereabouts) I’ll consider it a success :’/ I definitely have to finish irbb, and apart from that if i’m being ambitious... I’d like to finish f r a y and where the heart rests. 

The other goal is if I manage to finish cyclical (whether this year or in the future), I want to print it with a nice cover and illustrations and have it on my shelf for my own edification :’D 

best story of the year?

I’m gonna be honest i don’t understand this question... I’ve already said my favourite story for the year was The Search for Delos, but is this asking, like, objectively my best piece of writing? I’d still say The Search for Delos :’/ Although, I do think Ritardando was some good writing on my part. 

most popular story of the year?

In terms of Bleach, The Author is Dead was by far and away the most popular (isn’t the title very telling :’/). But overall, That’s Not How You Use a Miraculous got.... ridiculous amounts of reception. God I should continue that fic..... hahaha who am i kidding rip all my ml fics :’/ :’/ :’/ 

story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

I’m actually very pleased to say that most of my fics are received super well by everybody and I’m very thankful 8ㅁ8 Maaaaybe if I had to pick I might point people in the direction of One Of These Days? I think people forget that I write not-angst sometimes. One Of These Days is just super fuzzy and warm and it makes me feel happy every time I remember I wrote it, so if ur in the mood for some ir warm fuzzies go take a look! 

most fun story to write:

Definitely Cyclical. I’m having SO MUCH FUN reliving their early-days snark at each other. 

F r a y is also another fic I am enjoying writing, but for entirely different reasons lmao :’D :’D :’D 

story with the single sexiest moment:

UUUUHHHH

i dont have a huge selection to choose from but i am very fond of:

“And then afterwards…” He trails off, and he makes the pause sound obscene; the promise of afterwards is more effective than any dirty innuendo he could have made. 

from and every breath we drew was--  

most sweet story:

HAHAHAHAHAhahahahave you met me

Ok but in all honesty One of These Days and Phones Connect Me To You was so sweet that writing it gave me cavities 

”holy crap, thats wrong, even for you!” story:

OK, so when Naruto finished back in 2014 and my ships were canon and the other side of the shipwar started writing adultery i was like ????????????? I mean, I didn’t seek em out and harass them for it, they can do what they want, but I was like ‘why adultery in particular. Why don’t you just ignore the ending altogether’ 

cue 2016 and tite kubo runs bleach into the fucking ground, and i fucking UNDERSTAND. Dude, I thought you wouldn’t be able to PAY me to write adultery before 2016 and now you wouldn’t be able to pay me to STOP. Anyway, all my adultery fics fall under this category i suppose. doesn’t stop me from writing them :’/ 

story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters & most unintentionally telling story:

all the post-686 adultery that hellchat plotted tbh. 686 opened up WHOLE NEW AVENUES of character exploration that we hadn’t even THOUGHT to touch and honestly, I don’t even want an alternate ending chapter for bleach any more (except the rr novel, that novel can choke), because any single chapter fix is NOT going to cover the vast amounts of plotholes bleach left hanging open. (a bleach reboot that fixes everything wrong with it is a different story though.... god what i wouldn’t give for that.) But yeah, post-686 plotting has opened up some really interesting can of worms in terms of characterisations for our protagonists, and u can see some of it in fics like Listen and Stay. 

hardest story to write:

This Blood On Our Hands. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out overall, but I started writing that fic with only the last line in mind and contriving things so that we could get it to that stage was SO HARD. 

biggest disappointment:

Not managing to get out a single proper long post-686 fic that isn’t a drabble. I mean, I started posting where the heart rests, but I have about 5 on the backburner and I know exactly what’s happening in all of them and I just wanna plough through it while the salt is fresh, u feel? 

biggest surprise:

In terms of what I am capable of re: style and structure and substance, The Search For Delos. The fact that I started writing nsfw, especially fucking Unveiled..... what was I on?! And the fact that I finally understand why some people write adultery fics :’/ 

Gonna tag @swingsdown, @kingkuchiki, @papalogia, @duckiesteasmiles, @woodrokiro @missthornbirds!!

[kyberled]

☀ ♦ ♥ ☢ ✖

the salty af munday meme

☀ What’s your rp pet peeve? –> Ship forcing. This is literally the best way to get me to unfollow or even block another mun. I’ll explain what ship-forcing is below, but yeah, that’s one of them.

♦ What was a mildly annoying thing that has happened to you rp wise? –> See above. It happened once on my Warren blog, and once very recently on here. Now, a bit of a definition, here - I don’t see ship-forcing as asking me if I want to ship, or saying your muse has a crush on Braig - heck, that can be flattering (though I prefer if we know each other, first - it can get a bit uncomfy for me, kind of like virtual catcalling, I guess, when complete strangers tell me how attractive they think Braig is). I don’t see it as someone’s muse having feelings for Braig, one-sided or otherwise. All of these things are A-Okay, and can be quite fun, too! What I do see ship forcing is when someone asks if they can ship with Braig, and instantly, as soon as I say ‘we can give it a try’, deciding that our muses are suddenly soulmates, even if they’ve hardly said four sentences to each other, before. I see it as asking to ship, then immediately dropping the thread where they were actually in the process of meeting each other to have them now in the middle of a date, which, given the context of where, when, and how said date was taking place would likely have gotten them both killed. I see it as pestering Braig to do something ‘romantic’, having both Braig and I say no, he doesn’t want to, and the other person keeps pushing, regardless, or getting upset when Braig decides to respond with something not romantic and replying to that with some rude, snarky comment. ‘Uh, I think [muse] wanted Braig to do [X], actually’ - Yes, that has happened, before. I’ve been vagueblogged about, spammed on and off anon, been told I’ve made peoples’ depression/anxiety worse, had on-blog events ruined and muses killed and simply been harassed at all hours of the day because of ship-forcing and my trying to deal with it gently and politely, instead of just flat-out saying ‘no’ or ‘I’m not comfortable with this’. So, if it ever seems like I’m coming down too hard on someone in regards to shipping, I swear I don’t mean to come off as abrasive or rude - I just learned the hard way that you’ve gotta be blunt about your comfort zones or else things go south faster than a flock of geese on an adrenaline high. Basically, to sum this novel up: As long as you respect my boundaries, we’re good; if I haven’t told you you’re skeeving me out, we’re good. If I have told you you are, and you keep doing whatever it was, we’re not so good. 

☢ What fads/trends are you so over? –> I don’t really keep up with trends enough to know lmao. I mean I guess I’ve seen a few, but they don’t really bother me. You do you, and all… Though, I guess I never entirely understood the whole ‘personified objects’ thing? I mean, you do you, and all, but it just never  made sense to me.

✖ How has Tumblr RP changed since you started? –> It hasn’t, not really. I think the only real changes have been purely aesthetic, like small text,  contained themes, etc. I really don’t care what other people do, as long as they’re happy and not hurting anyone.

♥ What’s the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

[Under a cut for length]

Okay, so, I told two of my rp horror stories over on Xig, so I’ll tell my third one here. Since I gave the other two pseudonyms, we’ll call this one ‘Cheeper’. Cheeper was someone I had met when a mutual friend we’ll call Battery allegedly recommended my blog to them. Now, Battery was someone I had approximately zero problems with. Really friendly, sweet guy, talented writer, great sense of humour, one of my favourite people to write with. So, I figured, if Cheeper was a friend of Battery’s, they must be cool, too, right? … Wrong. So, things start out okay-ish, as they always do, but things get downhill pretty fast. Starts off with small things, like ignoring asks or dropping literally all of our threads without letting me know. And I understand wanting to drop threads or not being able to get to everything in your ask box, but when that happens consistently, it gets a little disheartening.

The next little thing was when they started making AUs of my muse, and expecting me to write them. Lemme say here that I am totally fine with people suggesting AUs for my muses. That’s where this blog came from, Rodi suggesting a Star Wars AU where another one of my muses was Obi’s padawan, so, again, I’m fine with AU prompts. What I’m not fine with is when someone writing a really detailed version of my muse without consulting me at all, and then expecting me to write that AU they made with no warning and no problems. Cheeper comes into my IMs listing this novel-length AU detailing not only how their muse changed, but how mine did, as well. Basically, the entire idea was that their muse, who in canon was a big tank-type character who had been straight-up abusive to multiple characters, and turned them into a small, fluffy little mage who was actually a good guy and hadn’t done any bad things, and was being forced to do the bad guys’ dirty work, whereas my muse… Was suddenly the abusive one. For absolutely no reason. In a way that not only completely contradicted all of my personal headcanons - all of which were posted and easily viewable on my blog - but also went against all of what canon had showed us about my muse, and quite frankly made me really uncomfortable. I mean, you’ve seen some of the stuff I’ve written, you know I’m down to write some pretty messed up stuff, but to straight up turn my muse into a child abuser, WITHOUT CONSULTING ME AT ALL, just so your muse can be the good guy? That doesn’t fly so well. On top of that, writing such a detailed version of my muse and expecting me to play it for you? Why not write it yourself? I mean like I said, I am thrilled with AU suggestions, but, hell, keep it to a sentence or two, tops. Let me experiment and develop my muse to fit the AU myself, thanks. … And, while these things were pretty irritating, especially when a few of them happened over and over again, it got worse.

A lot of the time, when I’m having OOC conversations to get to know another mun before we start writing together, I look for a sort of ‘spark’ or ‘click’ - something that shows this person and I are gonna get along. For a lot of people, including my favourite partners, this click is basically immediate - just this instant ‘wow, we’re gonna be good friends, this is great!’, and, for others, it takes a bit longer, and that’s totally okay! Some people take a while to open up, or maybe it wasn’t a good day for one of us, I totally get it, happens to me, too. How quickly the click happens has absolutely NO BEARING ON MY OPINION OF A PERSON WHATSOEVER. There have been I think only three or four times I haven’t clicked with someone - twice on Warren, once on Xig, and once here. If I message you first, send asks, tag you in things, like your posts, etc, we’ve clicked, don’t worry. Anyway, Cheeper was one of these rare occurrences where there was not only no click, there was the opposite of a click. At first I thought it was just ‘cause our first convo was a bit awkward - from what I remember, it was basically just ‘hi, My name is [Cheeper], I’m [Battery]’s friend and he recommended your blog so I thought I’d give you a follow’, you know, typical ‘hi, nice to meet you’ type thing, I didn’t think much of it. Unfortunately, that was the only pleasant conversation we had.

You see, Cheeper had the habit of starting conversations with some variation of ‘how are you?’. Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Well, in typical Canadian fashion, I always did my best to follow social protocol and be polite, and say ‘I’m good/fine/great, thanks, how are you?’, and, much like Han Solo, I learned that there are some situations you shouldn’t ask that question. Every time, without fail, Cheeper would say some variation of ‘bad’ or ‘horrible’, and proceed to dump literally all their life’s problems on me, and I mean all of them. I’m perfectly fine with letting my friends vent/rant to me as much as they need, and offering advice is a pass-time of mine. But, I had only known this person for- Less than a week, when this started (I hardly even knew their NAME I had to look it up on their blog), and they kept going on and on about some really personal shit, like hours of how they hated their job and school was stressful, and their family was aphobic and never used the right pronouns, literally everything about their personal life, no matter how private it was, just- Constant negativity, all the time. It was literally all they spoke about, ever. I don’t know anything else about them, just that their life was terrible and they decided to use me as some sort of verbal stress ball. Even if I tried to divert the conversation to a different topic, or just ignore them entirely, I’d still get floods of negativity and complaints. And what makes it even better? They had a frickin therapist! This person, who had a professional, trained therapist, would spend hours unloading all of their mental/emotional burdens on me, an untrained stranger who had only said ‘hi’ to them once. And, after they had dumped all their baggage on me, they’d say, ‘oh, gotta go, it’s time to go to my therapist’. And, honestly? That was the only time I felt safe to post on my blog. Yes, you read that right - it was the only time I felt safe to post on my own blog. I honestly could not make a post on my blog without Cheeper spamming my IMs with boatloads of stress-inducing negativity. And, call me selfish, call me insensitive, call me whatever you want, but, fuck, I had my own problems! I was in university, trying to get law school level grades, while working a part time job to try and help my family out when we were struggling financially, doing what I could to make sure there was enough food in the fridge for my younger brothers, trying to help my grandma take care of my grandpa, trying to keep up with my martial arts - which I have to do in order to keep my job - and trying to write multiple essays for both my younger brother and myself, as we were prepping for our black sash tests, but he was also trying to get into film school, so I’d volunteered to write the sash essays for him, and, let me tell you, I did not need to play counsellor to someone I didn’t even know on top of that. And, like I said, this happened constantly, and I’d get a new flood of messages every time I so much as hinted at being online.

And believe it or not, it got worse, Sakrine.

I remember there was one conversation we had (’conversation’ being used loosely, of course) towards the end of our interactions where Cheeper was complaining at me, as per usual, and mentioned how all of their friends were blocking them without saying why. Funnily enough, I was planning on blocking them soon, myself (probably should have done it a long time ago). But, lo and behold, right after saying how they were always getting blocked, Cheeper goes and says ‘but you’d never block me, so at least I have you. You’re my best friend, Jay’. And I’m sitting here really uncomfortable because, uh, no, we’re not best friends, and I have no idea what gave them that idea, since I never told them anything of the sort, and in fact barely spoke to to them at all, both because I didn’t much care for their company, and because I could hardly get a word in edgewise - and, even if I could, how does one respond to a total stranger badgering you for advice on how to deal with their family not handling their being out well? I’m not out to my family, and I don’t think I ever will be, so, again, how can I give that sort of advice to someone I don’t know?

About the time this was happening was when I met and was chatting with Rodi, who’s actually one of my best friends and the light of my life. Like I mentioned above, it was at her suggestion that I decided to make this li’l OC mess that we know and love here. He was originally gonna be a verse on my other blog, until I realised that I’d have tags for a Jedi verse, a padawan verse, a Sith verse, etc., and that was too many for one AU, so I made a sideblog. Then, after only a day of having that, and a bit of encouragement from both Rodi and Milla (my main Talon), I made this stand-alone blog for my son, and I was having a great time.

Cheeper, however, was not, and made sure I knew it.

Now, my muse for that blog had been steadily dying, mostly because of this, but also for a few other, more minor reasons, and I felt way more comfortable here, was having more fun, and generally just enjoying myself way more on this blog than the other, so, naturally, this is where I spent most of my time. Within a day or two of my neglecting Xig, Cheeper pops into the IMs to complain about me, to me. Yes, I am dead serious, this is an actual thing that happened. They start badgering me to go back to my other blog, and, I dunno if this has ever happened to you, but, it’s really disheartening. I explained to Cheeper that I felt more comfortable on this blog (though I didn’t tell them why I felt that way on Xig; Perhaps I should’ve), that I had more drafts and asks on this blog, and that I had more muse for this character at the moment, so I’d be spending my time over here, at least for a little bit. Their oh-so-eloquent response was, and this is a verbatim quote, ‘boo, you suck.’ And I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that, so I didn’t. I just sat there, staring, feeling an interesting concoction of shocked, annoyed, and offended. About a minute later, they added a ‘lol, just kidding’, and proceeded to… Continue… To complain about me, as well as about their life and still expected me to give them advice and solutions I didn’t have. I’ve never had someone act more entitled to my time and energy as this person did. 

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking - ‘they were probably just some kid, Jay, young people can be like that at times, you’re taking it too hard’, and, hey, I thought so, too. I was nineteen years old when this was happening; Cheeper was around 24 or 25. Yup, this person was about five or six years older than me, and a grown-ass adult the entire time. And like I said, they were constantly acting entitled to everything I did, like I owed them something. There was another time where I’d actually gotten a bit of muse for my other blog back, so I went on, answered a bunch of asks, slammed out some drafts, sent some memes, answered some IMs… It was a really productive evening for me. Once I was finished, I came back here and got a bit more done. Next morning rolls around, and Cheeper messages me with ‘I miss you, dude. You’re never on Xig, any more.’ I tell them that, actually I’d been on last night, for a few hours, at least. Their response? ‘Well, I wasn’t on.’, after which they kept complaining about how much they missed my muse and my writing. I get this was probably supposed to be flattering, but it really wasn’t? Especially considering that, while they were going on and on about how much they missed me and wanted to write with me, they were completely ignoring the THREE STARTERS I had written for them in the weeks leading up to this point. Hadn’t even given them a like, which I like to do to let someone know that, even if I’m slow as all Hell - which I tend to be - I have seen it, and it’s in my drafts. So, I mentioned this to Cheeper, said ‘you know, I have a couple starters for you on the other blog, why don’t you check those out?’ ‘Oh, I didn’t see them, I’ll give them a look.’ And then, blissfully, they stopped messaging. Little while later, a few days, I got another message from them (keep in mind I never contacted them or interacted with them first, since, rude as it may sound, I was kind of hoping they’d get the message), and once again they were whining about how I was never on Xig again, so I went to check the starters again, and… Still no notes. So I ask them about the starters, and they say ‘I couldn’t find them’. You know how I looked them up? [my blog’s url]/tagged/[cheeper’s url], and, bam. There they were. I told Cheeper this and even sent them the link to their tag. They said okay, that they’d check it out later, and started complaining about their life again. I was serious when I said this was the only thing they talked about, outside of basically harassing me to write with them. Few days later, they get on my case AGAIN for not being on Xig/not rping with them. I check the THREE FUCKING STARTERS again,  STILL NO NOTES. I ask, and ‘oh I just don’t have muse for them right now lol’. And I’m left sitting here like, okay, do you really want to write with me, or are you just mad I’m not dedicating all of my attention to you and your godawful AU muses? I mean, I have NOTHING against AU muses - that’s where this kiddo came from, after all - but AUS WHERE THEY PUSHED MY CHARACTER TO BE A FUCKING CHILD ABUSER WERE APPARENTLY ALL THEY HAD MUSE FOR. And my character was a moral fuckhead I admit but he WASN’T OVERTLY ABUSIVE THAT WAS ONE OF THE REASONS I WAS COOL PLAYING HIM AS THE ANTAGONIST HE WAS AND JUST. And as well, when I have no muse, it’s apparently a major fuckin’ disaster and they complain to the ends of the earth about it and go on and on about how I should still be writing that character and how much they miss me, but when THEY have no muse I have to accommodate it and make allowances and write with them anyway???? Like???

So anyway yeah they proceeded to ignore those starters for months, and every time I posted a new starter call,they’d like that, I’d post a starter, they’d completely ignore it, then come crying and complaining to me, berating me and all but sobbing about how much they missed me.

BUT IT GETS WORSE STILL, SAKRINE.

After a while, Cheeper starts asking me about Star Wars. And I’m torn between ‘fuck no, this is my new safe place, and I’m TRYING TO BE SAFE FROM YOU’ and ‘well maybe if they get into this series they’ll stop getting upset with me for not writing on a blog I have no muse for and am not comfortable on’. So they ask me what they need to watch to understand Star Wars. I tell them to watch the movies, since those are the unchanging canon, no matter what Disney did to the Legends material. Apparently they don’t even have the attention span for their favourite show, so they can’t watch the movies. They complain to me about that for a while, because apparently I care. I did not. I tell them that everything Star Wars - or at least, in the era I write in - revolves around those movies. I tell them they can just watch the PT (and explain what the different trilogies are) and that will get them caught up with where I write. Nope, can’t do that. So I tell them there are book versions of the movies they can read, instead, and there are also comics and stuff they can look into if that would be better.

Nope, don’t have the attention span for books.

Complain about that to me for a while, then ask what they absolutely HAVE to watch to understand. 

I tell them about the Clone Wars show, give them a link to the relevant KissCartoon page. They ask how long the show is - I tell them the number of seasons (mention that 6 is unfinished), and the average length of an episode.

Nope, don’t have the attention span for that, either.

They reiterate that they hardly have the attention span for their favourite show, and once again complain to me before asking me what the /HAVE TO WATCH/ to understand.

I tell them that they’re free to try interacting with my muse on their KH blogs, since I’m open to crossovers and still, for some ungodly reason, trying to be civil.

They keep asking about star wars.

I mention the video games.

Don’t have the attention span for video games.

So this person, who apparently can’t watch movies or TV shows, or read books or comics, or play video games, is asking me what source material they need to know to roleplay a Star Wars verse. 

I, as a last-ditch and mostly sarcastic effort, give them a link to Wookieepedia. I’m a terrible person, I know.

…

They don’t have the patience to look through the wiki pages.

I’m all but smashing my face against the keyboard now, while this person is COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT HOW LONG STAR WARS IS. 

I mean I get it’s a lot but I tried to break it down?? And last I checked I’m not George Lucas like I’m sorry but it’s not my fault, my problem, or in my power to change? And I tell them it’s 40 years worth of worldbuilding and try to help them break it down again and they just KEEP FUCKING COMPLAINING.

And after like. Two hours of me trying to reason with them and help them out they say ‘I’m not even interested in star Wars, I just want to write with you’. 

And now, maybe I’m reading into it too much. Maybe I listen to too many narrated Let’s Not Meet videos too late at night. But holy shit, I have never felt like I had a legitimate stalker until that moment. It was one of the most uncomfortable things that has ever happened to me. I had zero idea how to respond, and so again I don’t think I did. Or, if I did, it was to again try to explain to them that there was a lot of material, and they should [leavemethefuckalone] focus on things they were interested in, especially if they didn’t think they could handle just the show. So they complain to me about that for a bit, before moving on to other topics to whine about. Always comes back to how I’m not writing with them any more (meanwhile, the countless starters I’ve written them are still being ignored, as are any and all threads we had on the go at the time. Everything’s either been ignored, abandoned, or both, all without letting me know.).I honestly don’t remember how that conversation ended. Just thinking about it makes me blank out and get a sort of mild pins-and-needles feeling. I mean, I get it was probably supposed to be flattering, and if we had been friends it might have been, but coming from this person? Alarm bells were ringing like a retro emergency evac PSE. 

AND IT GETS WORSE STILL, BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON I STILL PUT UP WITH THIS PERSON. 

So, enter me, just going back to uni for the spring/early summer semester. Our stage sets itself in my campus’ bookstore, at about noon or one o’clock in the afternoon. The line from the bookstore stretches from the counter, at one end of the store, wraps around the perimeter of that very large, very spacious room that was at one point a lecture hall, goes through the hall to the next room which also used to be a massive classroom, wraps around that and goes out the back door. I had to get up for an 8:30 that was across the field that day. I had non-stop class until this point, I had had no breakfast (though I think I had a sip of orange juice to keep from conking out), I had been waiting in line for close to an hour, my arms were full of heavy textbooks I dreaded having to pay for, and I only had one hand free for typing, and there was a chance I’d be late to my next class if this line didn’t get moving. As you can imagine, I wasn’t much in the mood for talking (though I think I made the effort for Rodi and Maddie (my best friend from public school who I still talk to) since I enjoy talking to them and it made me feel a bit better). Anyway, I’m in line, tired, irate, and scrolling through tumblr, and Cheeper messages me with a ‘hey’. Oh fuck, I think, this isn’t good. I greet them anyway - just a ‘hi’. I’m only giving one word answers at this point, since I’m not in a chatty mood, and, as I mentioned, I’m typing with just my thumb and that fucking sucks and takes forever, and I’m also trying to keep my place in line. Cheeper starts asking me about school, and I’m very confused, because never once in the months I’d known them had they ever taken an interest in me or my life. ‘so you’re in university right’ they ask. I remember most of this conversation word for word, and you’ll see why. ‘yeah’, I reply. ‘What year?’ they ask; ‘Second \o/’ I say, adding an emoji b/c I love that one. ‘Cool, what’s your major?’ they ask, and I’m getting hopeful that maybe they’ve turned a new leaf and my patience with them has been rewarded. So I tell them ‘Classics \O/’ with a slightly more excited emoji, and they tell me that’s cool, mention their major is in foreign languages - I think Chinese? Maybe Spanish? This is the one message I can never remember in its entirety, because the next one almost knocked me over. I replied with ‘cool’, and a half second later, Cheeper asks, 

“Are you out to your family yet?”

This complete fucking stranger, this grown-ass adult I barely knew, straight up asked me if I was out to my family, yet. I have never been asked that question before or since. I am out only to people on tumblr, and a small group of my most trusted friends from high school. And this person had the fucking audacity to ask me right out if I was. 

I was shocked.

I will not lie to you, I almost dropped my phone. I think I stopped breathing for a second, and I nearly lost my place in line. I was torn between just being frozen and being fucking livid. After a moment when I didn’t respond, they added, ‘Can I ask that?’ And I swear those two messages are tattooed into my mind.

“Are you out to your family yet?”

Holy fuck.

So I manage to collect myself enough to type out ‘no, I’m not’. 

‘Damn,’ they say. ‘Because my mom keeps messing up my pronouns and I wanted to know if you have any advice.’ 

Because why the fuck else would they care about me, right?

And then they proceeded to complain about their life and their aphobic family to me AGAIN, for HOURS, but at that point I’d been ignoring their messages and was instead talking to Maddie for advice on how to handle the situation. I had no idea what to do. I was lost. Like. I wanted to block them so bad but they’d been subtly guilt-tripping me about it for so long (’you’d never block me, you’re my best friend’ was just the start of that, tbh) that I felt bad for it? And Maddie was just like ‘jay no that’s fucked up get rid of them’ and I did.

I have never once regretted it and holy fuck it feels amazing to get this shit off my chest.

And yeah, so.

That was one of my worst RP experiences.

Are you out to your family yet.

I’d sell them to Satan for half a stale corn chip I swear to Christ. 

[rokurookajima]

These ice cream asks are real nice do em all? 🌹

oh boy thats a lot!! thank u friend!! also i answered a couple already, so i just left those out and also i just took an ambient and if these answers are really weird that could be why

chocolate:  when was your first kiss?

lmao really depends on what we wanna consider a first kiss. technically, it was when i was 15 with my friend when she was trying to learn how to stage kiss. my first intentional kiss was when i was 16 but it was uh…..theres a story there for another day. my first good kiss was at 19

french vanilla:  how old are you?

im 20 fuckin help mecotton candy:  three places you want to travel to?

hm i rlly rlly wanna go to vancouver & i guess the pacific northwest in general, scandinavia, and japanstrawberry:  a language you wish you could speak?

french is so pretty and also very extra all the language rules are for the aesthetic so i can get behind that coffee:  favorite cosmetic brands?

i really don’t stick to any particular brands?? just particular products by certain brands. honestly like limecrime a lot bc the venus palettes are everything to me. anastasia just for the dip brow. guess i also gravitate to too faced and benefit a lot mint chocolate chip:  indoors or outdoors?definitely depends on the conditions of either bc wow its miserable to be outdoors in ohio right now bc its so fuckin cold. but if the weather is ideal, outdoors. if not, i love a nice indoor setting if it’s like….nicecookie dough:  do you play any instruments?

yeah i’ve played the guitar for like ten years now and yet always forget that i do

rocky road:  favorite songs at the moment?current faves are bizarre love triangle by new order and fake empire by the national. rlly all of the album boxer by the national?? i’ve been playing that a lot butter pecan:  favorite songs for life?

sheesh spanish sahara by foals is literally the greatest song in existence its more than a song its an experience cheesecake:  what’s your zodiac sign?virgo toasted coconut:  the beach or the pool?the beachchocolate chip:  what’s your most popular post?uh i’m pretty sure it’s either an art project from freshman year of college that was themed to evangelion or that picture of my removed wisdom teeth?? soft gore blogs still eat that shit up manbubblegum:  books or movies?usually moviespistachio:  manga or anime?really depends on the series?? bc most of the manga i’ve read, i’ve also seen the anime. and with like black lagoon, the anime by far. but fullmetal alchemist honestly the manga is complete perfectionsalted caramel:  favorite movies?

ok wow repo! the genetic opera bc i’m still 13, american mary, what we do in the shadows, daybreakers, mad max fury road, saw, atlantis the lost empire, howl’s moving castle…..those are the first that come to mind

birthday cake:  favorite books?fight club by chuck palahniuk, choke by chuck palahniuk, literally fucking love chuck palahniuk ok. also extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foersmoose tracks:  favorites for manga?fullmetal alchemist holy shit the manga is peak perfection. also theres this one volume novel-type manga called not simpleorange sherbet:  favorites for anime?black lagoon, both fullmetal alchemists, space dandy, flcl, evangelionpeanut butter:  favorite academic subject?idk man i love studio classes best bc art major, but if we’re talking like…the basic school subjects from high school, i guess it was englishblack raspberry:  do you have any pets?yes!!! i have three cats and a bulldog mango:  when and why did you start your blog?i started my blog in 2011, even tho i’d been lurking on tumblr since 2010. i started it bc i thought tumblr was hella cool…wow. this is like super lame to admit but i waited so long to start my own blog bc my parents used to be really uptight about my presence on the internet and i had to build the gall to do it in secret lmao i was 14 ok mocha:  ideal weather conditions?oooh man chilly but not too cold, so probably like 50-60 degrees, rainy, gray sky but when the sky is gray all the other colors look so much more vibrant i love it black cherry:  four words that describe you?sad, yikes…..uh…uncertain…..trying neapolitan:  things that stress you out?literally what doesn’t stress me out right now am i right raspberry truffle:  favorite kind of music?i rlly like girls with weird voices like joanna newsom, some good 80s synth action, things that evoke a very specific feeling and atmosphere the way bon iver sounds like hannibal season 1. this sounds really deep for someone who listens to 8th grade bangers half the timechocolate marshmallow:  favorite brands of candy?i really don’t know i guess i don’t eat much candy?? am i an adulttoffee:  a card game that you’re good at?uh i used to play a lot of solitaire i’m an only childlemon custard:  do you eat breakfast?yeah most days. but its usually like….eating frosted mini wheats in the car or an uncrustable or left over chipotle bc i’m very lazy and usually commuting in the morningdark chocolate:  turn ons?oh BOY literally anything to do with necks like touch my neck and im yours, its bad. also like….boys with good hands, collar bones…..uh wow basically i guess if i’m really into you, pretty much everything u do will turn me on i’m easy to please

fudge:  turn offs?a weird mouth like you know how some people just have like….weird mouths?? facial hair on most guys it works sometimes but i’m not usually a big fan….if i just don’t feel ur vibe, thats a pretty big turn off. also fucking guys spitting on the ground WHY peach:  how do you relax?i don’t. but if i was gonna try, i take a lot of baths praline:  a popular book you haven’t read yet?wow i don’t even know what books are popular right now. i guess like a classic thats pretty popular, i’ve never read catcher in the ryesuperman:  do you like sweaters?do i like sweaters????? who do u think i am of course i am a sweatercherry:  do you drink tea or coffee?coffee i have two coffee related tattoos i love coffeedulce de leche:  an instrument you wish you could play?i wish i played the mandolin!!! i wanna learn it so bad! i also rlly wish i’d been forced to take piano lessons as a small child bc it would be real cool to know piano 

blackberry:  have you ever laughed so hard you cried?all the time lmao my friends are really funnyginger:  a new feature you wish tumblr could have?uh idk manblueberry lemon:  favorite blogs?of course all my friends’ blogs, also qcknd

cappuccino crunch:  do you take naps?

sometimes but not very often. usually i have to be like extremely tired, and then i still always feel like death when i wake up. over the summer when i was dating my ex bf, we took naps together all the time. that was my peak nap experience

mint:  the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done?my whole……gosh dang life. im really not that ashamed of it, but i once wiped out in the middle of a starbucks pretending to charge at my friend. the first time i met my friend sean i said something really dumb and he just stared at me and i was like ok its time to diebrownie batter:  do you like sushi?yes 

key lime:  where do you want to be right now?

uh wow i wanna be on a different plain of existence bc i need a break from myself and my mental illness. in a good place in life? a good headspace. thats all i want please red velvet:  do you wear prescription glasses?yes but i can see without them, so if you ever see me without glasses….thats whygreen tea:  favorite flavors of ice cream?raspberry chocolate chip is the BEST, mint chocolate chip, coffee, moosetracks wow ice cream sounds good