#so it wouldn't have been unusual. in fact placing such intense focus on it is what's unusual

[babyloniastreasure]

something that kind of bothers me about modern feelings toward the epic of gilgamesh is how it's been COMPLETELY watered down to being "gay". Bear with me as I explain.

this is more of an extreme example, but I see this take all the time (not the yaoi part. the gay lover part). it's boiled down to the fact that it's gay over literally anything else in the epic. Gilgamesh's lament to Urshanabi about Enkidu's loss is overshadowed by the fact that Gilgamesh is mourning his gay lover. Gilgamesh is on a journey because he lost his gay lover. Gilgamesh and Enkidu were gay.

Now I understand that with a modern lens, people tend to lock on to how unabashedly Gilgamesh mourns Enkidu, because it's gay and because it's the oldest written epic in human history. People feel deeply connected to the idea that people like them have been around since the dawn of literature. But placing exclusive focus on the nature of the relationship as gay, rather than why the relationship or its loss was important, erases the story the epic is trying to tell.

The Epic of Gilgamesh is a story about love, yes, but it is not a love story. It's about the fear of death, coping with loss, and desperation to stave off the inevitable. It's about the bonds of friendship, about hardship, coming to terms personal change and losing pieces of yourself as you learn and grow. It is about consequences, arrogance, death, second chances, mourning, yearning, loving and LIVING. The Epic of Gilgamesh is about the entire human experience and one man's struggle to accept it. What does it mean to have lived? What does it mean to have loved, and lost? What does it mean to die, and to be remembered? What does it mean to be human?

It is perfectly okay to find appreciation for the Epic because of Gilgamesh and Enkidu's relationship. But also understand that the world's oldest story is not about two gay men who loved each other. It is a story about being alive.

TLDR;

[classicsubliminalbo]

Assimilation #5: Nightmares

Originally published Jun 23, 2016 This series is being revised

Six months had passed since Nina's assimilation. She graduated high school. Moved into her dorm room on Carpenter State's campus. Though the college was only a few miles from home, it felt like she was a world away from her parents. Though Nina had been a quiet girl growing up, she found herself blooming into a social butterfly. School always came first, Nina would remind herself, but that didn't stop her from attending parties, dating boys, exploring her newfound sexuality.

Nina found it harder to concentrate in class. Especially in Weather and Climate. Her professor was a total babe, way too hot to be teaching at Carpenter State. And though Nina tried to focus and take notes, all she could think about was what Proffesor Johnson would look like without his sweater vest. She licked her lips from her seat in the back row. She dropped her pen, and soon her hands were traveling down below her desk. He was droning on about prevailing winds, but for some reason it was making Nina so hot. It hadn't been like this before she'd started college. She was a good girl with big dreams, but right now she worried that she'd throw it all away just for a taste of this man's cock.

Nina couldn't wait. As soon as class ended, she power walked to the nearest bathroom, found an empty stall, and began to masturbate. She stifled a hungry moan as she imagined the professor having his way with her. "Why..." Nina pleaded to herself. "What's happening to me?" Her concern couldn't override her pleasure. When Nina came, she let out a high pitched squeal, followed by a few peaceful sighs that wouldn't have fooled anyone listening inside the bathroom. She didn't know if she was alone. She didn't care. After a few moments of heavy breathing, Nina's cloudy mind began to clear. The storm had passed.

And then there was a knock on the stall door. A voice: "Are you okay in there?" It was genuine, concerned. But Nina still felt a rush of panic and embarrassment to be caught sitting in a public bathroom with her legs spread and her fingers coated in sex.

"I-I'm fine..." she choked back to the stranger. "Just...I'm taking a shit, okay?!" "Okay..." The girl on the other side of the door replied, though she sounded skeptical it was clear that it wasn't her place to push a stranger about their bowel movements. Nina watched the woman's feet at the bottom of the door spin around, and she listened for the door to close, but the woman wasn't leaving before washing her hands. Nina sat there, biding her time for the woman to leave so she could clean herself up. Sure, the stranger hadn't seen her face, but Nina felt like the whole world was watching her.

awaken

Another voice, but this one was familiar, comforting. It eased Nina's weary mind, and in that second she forgot all about her professor and the stranger in the bathroom. She forgot about her new craving for sex, her panties around her ankles, and her sticky fingers. All Nina knew now was obedience. "I am awake," Nina droned.

assimilate

"Yes, Master."

A week later, Nina met with a campus therapist to discuss her new urges. Dr. Simon seemed concerned, but she urged Nina that it wasn't unusual to explore her sexuality in college. "Many consider it a rite of passage, Nina," Dr. Simon said. "In fact, I lost my virginity when I was a freshman in college as well. I wonder if your fear is less about the act and more about the expectations of what you're supposed to be, as a young woman. In our culture there's little stigma placed upon sexually active young men, but a young woman's virginity is to be cherished. It's a double standard, Nina, and shouldn't fear what you desire. Of course...an attachment to a professor is troubling. I'd like to talk about that."

"It's not just Professor Johnson, Doctor," Nina frowned. "It's any human who moves and has sex. I'm just overtaken with these brief spells of intense...intense hornyness," Dr. Simon nodded. "It's like...sometimes I just need to be fucked. And...I know society says all this stuff about virginity but that's not it at all. This isn't me. I know this isn't me. And it's more than just the sex or the masturbation. Sometimes I...forget things. It'll be the afternoon and I'll be in class and then something overtakes me and I end up in my dorm room and it's the middle of the night. And then I'll have these dreams where I'm..." "Go on, Nina," Dr. Simon urged her. "You can tell me anything." "I have these vivid dreams where I dominate people. Sometimes they're my friends, sometimes they're complete strangers. But I feel this compulsion to fuck, and they're powerless to resist me. And after a while they want it too."

Dr. Simon's rite of passion theory was so flimsy it was flapping in the wind, and even she was starting to feel concern for Nina. "Do you know when this started?" Dr. Simon asked.

"No," Nina replied, her eyes darting suspiciously away from her therapist. Dr. Simon didn't feel they were comfortable enough to push the subject, and she hoped that Nina would work her way back to the subject organically in future sessions. Until then, the doctor would let it go.

The truth was that Nina did know when the dreams had started. Six months earlier she'd had a disturbingly vivid dream of her sister, Gabrielle, invading her room in the middle of the night. Though Nina could recall the feeling of fear, she loved every second of the dream, to feel that intense embrace of pleasure as she drank from her sister's tits. It felt too real to be a dream, but Nina didn't want to believe it was anything more, but it had haunted her for months.

"Have you ever had a dream journal, Nina?" Dr. Simon asked. "No," Nina replied. "I think it could help. Sleep with a journal next to you, and when you wake up in the morning, while the thoughts are still fresh in your mind, try to write down the contents of your dreams. We often forget what we dream about, maybe there's something lost in the shuffle that could clear everything up."

Nina's Dream Journal November 11th, 2011 I'm in a bathroom stall. I hear the sound of a running faucet, someone washing their hands. There's a voice in my head...assimilate...it sounds like my own thought but it feels weirdly foreign. I know the person on the other side of the door is a stranger because I can't feel them, not like I feel the others. The voice is right, they need to join us. I leave my underpants on the floor and step out of the stall, my bare pussy exposed. The stranger turns around and yelps in surprise. She's cute. Shorter, a little heavier, but the Master does not care about body type. The Master does not discriminate. I tell her to stand still, and though the fear in her eyes does not fade, my mind has already pierced through hers and she can do nothing else but obey my commands. She asks me what's going on, and I tell her that she has been chosen. I can feel the Master restless inside of me. It wants to move, wants to infect the body of the thoughtful woman before me. I smile as I remember how she knocked on the door, how she didn't expect her good deed to lead her to this moment. Her mind has dulled, fear replaced with understanding. I know that her body is on fire with passion, that it's primed for the Master's entrance, but she remains motionless upon my command. She is weak-willed, and now she belongs to me. A noise tumbles out of her mouth, it sounds like an aborted word. Like she's still trying to fight my control, but she knows that she doesn't want to. Any pleas inside her head simply refuse to leave her mouth, and I ask her if she's ready. She gives a tiny nod, and I tell her to kneel before my pussy, now dripping with the Master's juices. I tell her to drink. Her hands clench around my butt as she bobs her head between my thighs, tasting her Master for the very first time. I feel no regret claiming her. Only the pleasureful reward of successfully completing another command. I know that this young woman will be happier as a host, as a member of our growing collective.

[rcksmith]

Dream a little of me — Kaz Brekker

Resume: One bed and two hearts.

Requests :”Hello, darling! Could I request sleeping with kaz? Imagine or general headcanons, as you like. No nsfw (no need of touching tho, do what you like with it!), just sleeping in the same bed - maybe for the first time. Also bonus points if one of them will have a nightmare👀Have a good night/day, hun!🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️✨✨✨💗💗💗”

“My heart asks for all the angst of touch starved reader falling for Kaz Brekker... 😭😭😭 - 🐕‍🦺”

Couple: Kaz Brekker/ Grisha Fem!Reader

Warnings: swearing, mention of post-traumatic stress, angst, fluff.

Word count: 3k.

A/N: Thank you💖 I hope you guys like.

Normal Rules.

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake. Requests are open. Love you❤️

— — — — —

The rain was pouring down in torrents, in a fierce storm that roared into the shadowy forest like a hideous, unearthly animal. Platinum lightning’s streaked the midnight sky and thunder rumbled like as giants footsteps crashing into the ground and shaking the earth. Everything had been orchestrated to work. But nothing could have gone more wrong.

Unfortunately, not even Kaz Brekker's millions of tricks and plans could defeat the force of nature. And even you, an Infernal Entherealki, hadn't mastered the art of controlling fire or keeping warm while under a torrent of icy, biting cold water.

Your teeth started chattering, your lips turned purple, and you wondered if you could run another inch. Your muscles felt like stones and for someone who had lived with the heat of the flames his whole life, being under freezing water was extremely painful. But Kaz wouldn't let you stop. And you, as excruciating as the pain was, didn't want to stop either. The pain was strong but the desire not to let him down was more.

The two of you part of the plan that night was to go through the forest with the diamonds in pockets and find the rest of the Crows on the other side. You two would have to spend the night in that place. But all of Brekker's machinations were washed away by the treacherous and atrocious rain.

The only alternative was to run. Run to the direction where there was a small civilization and pray to find an inn or not die of hypothermia.

The angry drops of icy water were enough to steal Kaz's breath. Not because the cold was unbearable, but because his own demons, his past, were ghosts that gripped his ankles like monsters from horror stories. He didn't feel the rain, didn't feel the biting wind, Kaz just felt the sensation of the freezing, oppressive ocean drowning him. And for a second, when he looked at the small strip of fur on he wrist that wasn't hidden by his glove and coat, he swore he saw Jordie's dead skin in place of his.

He had to get out of there. But when the storm started, and Kaz run his eyes at you, your face wet from the rain, your skin constantly whipped by the cold droplets, and your cheeks extremely red from the cold, it made him gasp in a very different way. Blood pooled in your cheeks. Pulsing. Alive. He had to get you out of there.

Finding hiding places was one of his specialties, and he focused his mind entirely on it. When an inn came into view, a small relief rumbled in both of you. And Kaz looked in your direction to make sure you were okay. Alive.

As the receptionist gave the key from the last spare room to the two of you, Kaz couldn't help but feel that there was no longer any heat pulsing in your body. That made him feel miserable.

The night was cold. Unusually cool for the time of year.

"I don't think it's a good idea to carry out a robbery like that in these climatic temperatures." Inej said, walking down the stairs after Kaz "One of the Dregs caught a serious cold too while you were away."

Kaz had to be away for two days to sort out some matters of his own. Check some ship ports and finding out the weaknesses of some new merchants. And as much as he ordered his thoughts to focus solely on that purpose, he found himself daydreaming at certain times about…

"It got very serious after a few hours." Inej completed.

Kaz felt a trickle of worry trace his veins, tighten his throat But it wasn't for some bruteman of his Dregs. His source of concern was more serious, deeper, and for someone he didn't want to think about too much. Even though he told himself to keep every nerve in his body under control, in the end he was Kaz Brekker, he couldn't help but notice he picked up his pace to get faster to the live room that was strictly reserved for the Crows.

And when he walked in, following by Inej, the tree branches hit the windows, blown by the wind, tinkling. The cold was oppressive and biting, but not enough to stop Jesper from playing cards with Wylan, nor enough for Nina not to eat her candy and listen to Matthias tell of his people's legends. But the eyes of Kaz, that treacherous and treacherous organ, ran to you first. Magnetically, inevitably.

And he felt like he could breathe again.

The sight of you sitting on the black velvet sofa, with a book in your hands and your legs stretched out on the padded stool in front of you, calmed Kaz's heartbeat as nothing had ever done.

As much as he denies, in those two days his mind has swarmed over you more often than he thought wise. Brekker liked to justify that action with the fact that you were part of the gang. As close and important as Jesper or Inej. It was normal for him to be worried about the Dregs.

But why did he only see you? Why did the questions about your well-being and comfort stood out so much from any other concerns with others?

It was you. Always late at night, when Brekker was a sigh away from sleep. You were what someone he was thinking.

"Who is alive always appears." Nina announced he arrival and Kaz was pulled out of his reverie.

"Did you kill anyone these two days?" Jesper placed a letter on the table and Inej sat beside Nina.

Kaz left his hat on one of the dark marble tables. “Does it matter?"

There were other seats available in the room. A leather armchair next to the burning fireplace - Brekker were sure that you was controlling the temperature - an extra chair around the table where Jesper and Wylan were play, and a small divan beside Matthias. But Kaz sat beside you on the couch.

You marked the page with your finger, lowering the book gently. He didn't need to see the cover to know what it was. It was a romance clichéd eighteenth-century. He had given it to you before he left.

"Everything worked?" You smiled and Kaz had the feeling that he wanted to memorize that smile in a painting to always appreciate it.

"And doesn't always do?"

Even with the biting cold that wasn't stopped by the fireplace, Brekker could feel the heat from your body emanating, like a delicious temptation. You were always so hot. Bathed in the sun's rays. He didn't know if infernal grisha like you gave off so much heat too, because it was impossible for that to be human. Were so intense...delicious. Even with multiple layers of clothing, if Kaz approached you he could feel the warmth of a tropical pirate island.

Was that why he always unconsciously sat beside you? Why did you radiate so much causticity that it made Kaz forget about the ocean's cold? Why were you like a piece of life and Kaz felt dead for a long time?

Or was it because, heat or not, you were the only thing worth being around?

All the questions were too disturbing. And Kaz Brekker didn't want to know the answer.

Now, even climbing the stairs to the room beside you, Kaz couldn't feel anything radiating from you body. Just the cold. And he hated it with every force of his being.

You're not made to take the rain, felling deadly cold, or turn your lips a bluish hue.You were not made to be cold as a corpse, with muscles stiff and sore like a dead. You were not made to look like Jordie. You were meant to be alive. To look alive. Exhale the heat of the most ardent fire and heat a room just with your presence. You were meant to scare off Kaz's winter with your summer.

For a second, Kaz wanted to hug you to give you the warmth of his own body.

You felt exhausted. The remnants of what you once day were. Every inch of your body protested, aching and tearing at muscles. The cold, sharp water did you no good. You didn't know if it was were something of your species or a trait unique to you. But it didn't do any good to you. You hated looking so miserable in that appearance, especially in front of the one man you always wanted to look beautiful to. But at that moment you were in too much pain to worry so much about it.

As soon as Kaz had put the key in the doorknob, his gloved fingers stiff from the cold, what you expected to find was a cozy room, promising a heat shower and a good, well-deserved night's sleep. But that wasn't it. You stared at the wide double bed with white sheets, perplexed. Shock competed with your pain and put your brain to work, and all your breath lurked in throat as your realized the situation.

Oh my fucking God.

You didn't have to look at Kaz to feel his entire body be rigid, in a way far more potent than the effects the rain had caused. As if the prospect of sleeping next to you was more whorse than dying of hypothermia.

You closed your expression. Half because your mood was already bad and half because the rejection was brutal. You didn't expect your passionate feelings for Kaz to be returned, nor did you expect him to feel the same longing to be close to you as you felt for him. But no woman wanted to see that a man would rather die of hypothermia than share a bed with her. Even more if he was a man she was in love with.

You entered in room first, the pain in your body clouding your thoughts.

"Do you mind if I shower first?"

Your voice was weak, and you didn't have the heart to look at Kaz. He hissed a “no” that hung in the air, and that was the last thing you heard before closing yourself in the bathroom.

His heart was beating eerily fast in his chest. As loud as the thunder outside and as unsettling as the chill of rain. His breath began to burn heavily in his throat, and suddenly his entire body was fully aware of the situation.

One bed.

Even when he took the diamonds out of his pocket and placed them on a small table, even when you came out of the bathroom and he walked in, even as he basked in the hot water, his heart still pounded wildly. Like a generator.

Kaz Brekker liked puzzles, challenges. Of things he could unravel and understand. Piece by piece. He played to win and to cheat, and the world knelt at his feet before the insight of his mind. Still, he didn't know what to do. You were like a fascinating and maddening riddle. The one thing that, no matter how hard Kaz tried, could never unravel yours mysteries. Or maybe, just, what he would never be able to do was unravel what he felling whenever he was by your side.

His heartbeat grew stronger.

Brekker remembered every deck of cards, every card played. He could keep up with the distribution of up to five decks, unlock any lock, and devise the most insane plans. But he couldn't stop the way his soul trembled whenever he laid eyes on you.

In those moments, when you looked at Kaz like he was someone much better than he actually was, Kaz wanted to be good. He wanted to be born again to become a damn decent man. For you. He wished he didn't have his demons and erase his past. Because that way, when the sun's rays hit your face and you were close enough for your scent of happiness to flood his senses, Kaz wouldn't back down. He would lean down and seal his lips in yours with the promise of a glorious future.

His heart beat faster.

Why did he feel that his whole life was always suspended whenever he were away from you? And why did he have the feeling his life could change forever if he walked out that door?

Kaz turned off the shower. The heart running like a horse. He fished out the towel and wrapped it around his waist, finding a small hamper that held neat, folded pajamas for guests. He was surprised he didn't notice you in those pajamas. You made him lose focus.

As soon as he dressed and walked out of the bathroom, his eyes immediately went to your figure. Sitting on the bed, your legs under the covers, your hands clasped together in a cupped shape with a small, flare of fire burning in the center.

You looked up at Kaz. “I managed to do something to warm you up.”

The phrase was: No for warm me up. No for warm us up. For warm you up.

Kaz lost his breath and his soul trembled. The air felt different since he stepped out of the shower, not just from the recent gust of heat. But there was something else, something lyrical, pink and lush. Something...beautiful. He did not say anything. First because he didn't trust his own words and second because he didn't know what to say. He sat beside you, a considerable distance away, but this time his fear was that you would hear the loud, racing beat of his heart.

You turned gently towards him, reaching out your hands towards him, not noticing how his hands trembled as they stretched under the hot flame. Kaz swallowed hard.

He knew how weak and drained you were, but he also knew you were aware that he loathed cold. Hated icy water. You didn't know the depth of his traumas, but the fact that you cared to the point that you were willing to use your last shred of strength to end his torment was something that reverberated in his soul.

You two didn't say anything else after that. After Kaz removed his hands from the flame, you understood that as the end of your two interactions. You two shared a mutual answer that neither would sleep on the floor. You two were adults and in no condition to be lashed by any colder.

The night moon bathed the dark room with lights in distilled silver, almost flickering through the windswept tree branches. You were back-to-back, blankets pulled up to your shoulders, breathing gently quickened. As exhausted as you two were, neither of you could sleep.

Suddenly, the whole atmosphere in room seemed to change. Like a private, enchanted piece of the world. The wind howled softly, on a calm note. The rain was still falling in torrents, but now it seemed to be adopted in a passionate tone. As if it had fulfilled its purpose and now hovered in the world with a romantic veil of water. Stars shining bright above the bedroom window, glittering like hundreds of tiny diamonds, accompanied by moonlight. Although the light was dim, it seemed to capture the lyrical essence, seem to whisper “Dream a little dream of me.”

Everything felt different, like the two of you had entered a rift in the world. A part inhabited romance, pure magic, love.

Your soul shivered, and as much as you could never prove it, you felt that Kaz's soul shivered too. Your breath hitched, burning in lungs, your body seized by a caustic tingle that snaked through every inch.

You didn't know why, but your body shifted gently on the bed, turning slightly towards the ceiling. The racing pulse in your veins. A second felt like an eternity. Kaz's body moved too, and you knew, just knew, that he was looking at the ceiling too.

Two hearts beating in the same time. Synchronized. And, by some magic or deity, you two knew that your heartbeat would never again beat another way. Always connected.

Your body moved a little more, now on belly up. And Kaz's seemed to do the same move, even without seeing you or your movements. His chest rising and falling with intensity. The rain calmed outside, turning the symphony of droplets hitting the roof into mysterious, passionate music. As if the world were plotting a whispering favor for you two.

Kaz could feel your body heat radiating once more, grazing his skin with rays of sunlight. Everything in that bedroom became poignant and intense and lyrical, inflicting sensations on him that Kaz never thought existed before. Later, it would be a shock for him to see that he was at the mercy of his own passions. Overcome by sensations that robbed him of control of his body. Later he would think about it. Later.

His soul tingled, sending gusts of heat from the inside out. The feeling was that, after 28 years of deep sleep, he had awakened. Awake. Alive.

His body moved once more, now completely on belly up. Kaz didn't have to look at you to know that you too had placed yourself in the same position. It was as if he felt the movements of your soul. His pulse was racing now, hot and boiling in his blood. And Kaz wondered if all the money in the world would bring half the sensations he was feeling right now.

What was he so afraid all this time? That question echoed through all the corridors of his soul. And Brekker feared for the answer. What kept him from having everything he craved?

Money? Pekka? Jordie's ghost and the cold ocean? Kaz feared never touching you any more than he feared his demons? Was that why he always walked away from you? Why was wanting to slide his fingers into your hot skin and not being able to fell you, be worse than any sensation he'd ever felt? Because, maybe, admitting it can change everything?

His breath hitched.

Would it be worse to be alone for the rest of his life? Doomed and cursing to a fate of revenge, death and red hate? Or, even worse for his heart, finding a girl with lovely eyes, sunny smiles and the smell of happiness? A girl that made him laugh, come out of his hiding. You. What do he will do with that? What if you open up the door that he can't close it? And If when you hold he and his heart is set in motion?

Would that be so bad? No.

His body became very aware of the approximation it was on to your. Your heat radiating into his. For some reason, Kaz was sure you was in the same condition as he was. Sharing the same feelings. The same passion hidden for so long.

Kaz should have thought of his brother, of revenge against Pekka Rollins, of the cold of the ocean. He should have weighed of his own traumas. Instead, he thought: What if I get a little closer?

The result of this was his fingertips brushing yours. And he knew the exact moment your heart sped up even more. Because his followed the same beat. Maybe following yours for the rest of his life.

You brought your eyes to him, calmly, as if that moment might disintegrate. and the world seemed suspended in that moment. Kaz slid his eyes to you as well, sharing sensations and emotions that didn't need to be put into words. It was all there, in the gaze.

His fingers crept higher, going to your hand, and plunging his touch - and his soul - into that contact. All your heat was too strong. Too intense. Doing Kaz wouldn't be able to think or feel, for the first few minutes, about anything but light, heat, summer and…happiness.

That's when you gave him a shaky, emotional smile. I would do anything for you. That's what that smile said. And Kaz answered, his hand tight with yours before letting go. Me too.

- -

As the sun's rays, shy and buttery, flooded the bedroom in soft color, Kaz's eyelids fluttered. The sound of birds reached his ears, and the scent of flowers and happiness invaded his nose.

It was nothing like waking up in Ketterdam.

That thought back him to reality. A reality in which he had stolen many diamonds, taken the rain and had to share the calm. A reality where Kaz Brekker touched you.

You.

Kaz opened his eyes immediately, his heart racing again. He looked frantically around the room, past the simple furniture, the closed bathroom door, the window where the light came in, and then looked to his side on the bed. That's when he realized what position he was in.

His soul heated up.

You had your back to him, your hair spread out on the white pillow, your back showing by your pajama top, your shoulder rising and falling softly with your resonant breathing. You were close. Very close. And Kaz finds, perplexed, that he is facing you. One arm rests around your waist, over the thick blankets, in an intimate and…romantic gesture.

He lost his breath. His warm, hope-shining soul whispered to him: what if it was like this every day? What if he woke up with you by his side forever? What if in time he learned to be a decent man? Trying to be normal?

Would Kaz do this for you?

You shifted in bed, turning onto his side, front for him, snuggling deeper under his touch and moving closer, as if Kaz were your oasis in the desert. No skin was actually touching, your breath hit his warm chest, and if Kaz lowered his lips even further, he could feel your lips on his.

Yes. He would.

[ultraclops]

Y’all mind if I go on a tangent about Badge-A-Fire? Okay? Okay.

When I watched this ep for the first time...HOO BOY I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO, HOLY MOLY. I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean it in a "Holy shit why do I relate to this so much" way.

Just like Not Impressed, Small, Scared of Puppets and Adoradad, this ep does a WONDERFUL job explaining the effects of childhood trauma. It also explains some of the symptoms of ADHD. (Note: these symptoms occur in autism too, but since I have ADHD I'll just say ADHD.)

First of all, let's start with the Ultra Focus. At first it seems just like an ADHD thing, but there's a lot more to it.

Badgerclops describes it as a heightened state where he's so overwhelmed by his own thoughts (or "creative genius", as he so lovingly puts it) that he can't focus on anything else but getting his projects done. To me, it sounded like an extreme form of hyperfixation, combined with the usual racing thoughts that come with ADHD. On top of that, he literally can't remember anything that occurs when he enters Ultra Focus. Short-term memory impairment is extremely common in people with ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. For example, there's been a few times I've drawn/written something down and have no idea that I did it the next day, and if you asked me what I did 2-3 days ago I definitely wouldn't be able to give you an accurate answer. This is especially true if I did something at night or really early in the morning - which is around the time Badgerclops' Ultra Focus kicks in.

About that last fact, you ever notice how Badgerclops randomly falls asleep at times? Since his Ultra Focus kicks in late at night or early in the morning, he might also have ADHD-induced insomnia, and his constant working on the projects is why he seems so lazy and tired during the day. I know for one I'm a night owl due to my ADHD.

Back on track. After telling all this to Mao Mao and Adorabat, Badgerclops says something important to the plot: "It's not my fault, and I don't think I should be criticized." From The Truth Stinks we already know about Badgerclops' sensitivity to personal criticism (known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in ADHD), so it doesn't seem out of place. But as the episode progresses, he says that sentence and "Don’t criticize me!" over and over, growing increasingly desperate and frustrated each time he says it. If he can't remember it, it's not his fault, right? But why can't Mao Mao seem to understand?

Now onto the plot. All his inventions (sans the titular Badge-A-Fire Explosion) flood into town and cause a scene, so Mao Mao proceeds to insult them, calling them useless and weird. Eventually Badgerclops can't take it anymore and tries to snap back but fails miserably ("Are all of your inventions this weird?!" "YOU'RE WEIRD!"), then takes off in the opposite direction (after tripping over one of his own inventions first). Mao calling him a creep a couple seconds later certainly doesn't help.

When Mao Mao and Adorabat find Badgerclops again he's hiding in a dark alley with his legs drawn up, repeatedly trying to convince himself that it's not his fault, it's the Ultra Focus. Mao Mao proceeds to chew Badgerclops out for leaving, saying his projects "cause nothing but chaos" and asks why he would even make "those things" or think they're useful. Instead of yelling back at him, Badgerclops clutches at his head and starts trembling, gritting his teeth. From the position he's in and the intense background music, it seems like he's having a meltdown. Badgerclops eventually loses his composure and shouts "I SAID TO STOP CRITICIZING ME!" in a distressed tone, then starts bawling loudly into his arms. Upon realizing he's been a bit too harsh, Mao Mao goes to pat Badgerclops on the shoulder as a show of comfort - only for Badgerclops to promptly slap his arm away while screaming "NO!" in an incredibly pained voice. This seems unusual for Badgerclops as he is a very touchy-feely guy, but when someone is having a meltdown touching them may make it worse, even if they're normally very affectionate. I know from personal experience as I am a very affectionate person, but when I’m overstimulated I hate being touched against my will. I will come back to this scene later in this post, but for a brief second I'll step away from Badge-A-Fire to reference a scene in Boba-Chan I feel is relevant:

When Badgerclops goes to retrieve Mao Mao's shuriken from the tree, he accidentally yanks too hard, causing it to split in half. He lies to Mao Mao that "someone took (his) pointy thing and replaced it with a broken one!", which leads Mao Mao to say "Not again! Hold on, I'm coming!", presumably to attack whoever took his shuriken. Immediately Badgerclops' whole disposition changes - he starts sweating and whimpering, trying desperately to put the shuriken back together in a panic. I hypothesized he might have grown up in an abusive environment, where his parents constantly got onto him for breaking things, so Mao Mao's reaction might've triggered him.

Now back to Badge-A-Fire. Adorabat's timer buzzes and the trio finds themselves cornered by a giant mecha identical to Mecha Hossoraffasnakearang, which knocks them out and traps them inside a water ride designed by Badgerclops himself, seemingly a death trap. Mao Mao asks Badgerclops why he never told him about the Ultra Focus, and Badgerclops confesses:

As a child, he loved to come up with his own silly inventions. However, his parents constantly criticized and rejected his ideas, forcing him to fit into their mold. Their idea of normal. This is represented by a figure tearing young Badgerclops' drawing in half, then handing him a set of blueprints along with a toolbox. (Why his parents would give him a tool kit at like 5, I have no idea.) From this we can infer that Badgerclops was emotionally abused and neglected by his parents, which understandably would make him scared to share his ideas and thoughts with other people out of fear of rejection or criticism. On top of that, he was also bullied relentlessly by the other kids at his school, which would serve to amplify that fear. From personal experience, I was picked on by members of my family and some kids at school for my interests when I was younger (actually, my family still relentlessly picks on me for my interests as an adult) so I became a lot more secretive regarding my interests and would only indulge in them when I thought no one was paying attention.

He further explains that due to his fear of sharing his ideas, he repressed them so far into his mind that he would lose control of his own body and be compelled to act on his ideas - the origins of the Ultra Focus. This means Ultra Focus isn't just an extreme form of hyperfixation - it's probably a trauma reaction, one that Badgerclops probably had no method of coping with until he met Mao Mao. I have a feeling this is also why he giggles a lot when he's in Ultra Focus - since he was a child when it came to be, he'll probably act like a child.

I also bet this is why he reacted the way he did when Mao Mao chewed him out over his inventions - Mao Mao could've accidentally triggered him into having an emotional flashback to his parents criticizing his inventions, which is why he sounds so pained and didn't want Mao Mao to touch him. It could definitively be why he reacted negatively to Mao Mao insulting his inventions and blaming him in the first place.

Mao Mao & Adorabat console Badgerclops by confirming they actually liked his inventions, and he's so overwhelmed with joy he flat-out states he loves them. Abruptly, a cannon descends from the ceiling, presumably to kill them. Mao Mao wipes away Badgerclops' tears yet again and the trio hug, with Badgerclops saying his seemingly last words: "I'm finally around people who love and understand me...", which I feel speaks volumes about his life before meeting Mao Mao.

Fortunately the cannon was actually a cleverly designed camera and the ride wasn't a death trap at all, but actually a show of Badgerclops' appreciation towards Mao Mao & Adorabat (although he couldn't remember it). Mao Mao & Adorabat love it (okay Mao doesn't LOVE it since he gets splashed, but he liked it) and Badgerclops decides to fully embrace his creativity rather than repressing it, shown by him stating "I am a creative genius." in a happy tone instead of a serious one. At the end of the episode, Mao makes Badgerclops promise to never hide his creativity, which will probably help alleviate his Ultra Focus. I hope that in Season Two we'll see him get some sort of help - maybe therapy with Ol' Blue?

TL;DR: In Badge-A-Fire Explosion, BC is alluded to having ADHD or something similar (Manifesting in him hyperfixating on his inventions, having a poor memory, and reacting to his inventions being insulted as a personal attack) and PTSD caused by being emotionally abused by his parents (Manifesting in him becoming sensitive to being insulted/yelled at regarding his inventions [a potential trigger] as well as repressing his own thoughts and memories), both of which I think contributed to his Ultra Focus. Also everyone in this got damn family needs therapy.

Edit: I re-uploaded this onto Amino, with clips this time!!