#so it makes me go twice as hard on loving the characters that get neglected

[princetorn]

ooc . Having seen a few things on the dash, I just want to iterate that OCs are always welcome here. I mean, Royce basically is one at this point. This includes female muses, trans muses, canons from little known sources – everything and everyone!!

[cyberbark]

xiao x dom male reader

wc: around 1k, not proofread bc editing sucks balls

cw: riding, cock slapping, praise, humiliation, xiao has a small dick, manipulation (?) at the end, mean reader, belly bulge, aftercare mentioned, s/m themes

i was sick since may but i'll (hopefully) get back to posting once or twice a month. feel free to req characters!

nsfw below the cut, minors dni.

Xiao looks so cute when he rides your dick. He’s utterly fucked out of his mind, and he’s struggling to keep his eyes open. He gets overstimulated easily. 

Poor Xiao can’t even scream anymore, all he does is moan and whimper when your dick hits the right spots inside his little body. He can’t keep himself stable and trembles a lot when he’s on top, it’s not any different when he’s on his back either.

You like seeing him try so hard to please you but at the end, it’s you who’s doing most of the work such as holding him by his waist and maneuvering his body up and down. 

“Faster, Xiao,” You say and he desperately looks at you in exhaustion.

He shakes his head meekly and a few tears slip from his eyes. 

“Can’t—ah— please, help,” He says. He doesn’t want to disappoint you. 

“C’mon, you can do it, right?” You ask as you give a quick slap to his cock. Xiao arched forward and a surprised gasp left his mouth. More tears gather at his eyes from the pain, but his cock aches for more and it made Xiao embarrassed. Enclosing your hand on his small cock, a sadistic thought crossed your mind. 

“You like that, huh?” You teased, tugging at his cock while his body went still at the overwhelming friction. Xiao waited intently for your next move.

“Who said you could stop?” You sharply asked and he fumbled a little with the pace. Xiao could feel your eyes on him, watching him bounce on your cock. He continued moaning, knowing he was close to cumming this fast.

You started jerking his cock as well, increasing the painful pleasure he was receiving. Xiao’s mind was blanking but he had to ask you permission to cum. He could hardly form any words though. 

Your other hand went up his waist rather than supporting his body. You wanted to see Xiao fall apart. You slowly traced his stomach where you could clearly see an outline of your cock thrusting in and out of Xiao. 

His eyes followed your trace and his face grew hotter by the second he saw how lewd he was being. When you pinched his nipples, Xiao started to move erratically, letting out a string of pleas which made your cock throb at his pathetic sight.

Xiao didn’t register what he was doing until he felt his own fingers on his other neglected nipple. Who knew the adeptus had it in him? He was so pretty when he lost all sense of rationality and was reduced to a sobbing mess because of you. 

Xiao was hitting his peak, the pleasure was making him numb. Your dick thrusting inside him was enough to cum right then and there. ‘Just a little more,’ he thought. With a last thrust, he was going to cum. He gripped your shoulders tightly and hoped you’d coddle him when he’s coming down from his high. But it never came. 

“Something wrong, love?” You asked. 

Wrong? Obviously yes! You had stopped him from moving and held his waist tightly. He gave a frustrated grunt as sobs wrecked his body. 

“Was s’close!” Xiao complained. You soothed him by leaving trails of kisses on his neck.

“Don't be a brat, Xiao. Can my adeptus not handle a little stalling?” You asked, brushing aside his tears. 

“No, no, I can! Please let me move.” Xiao begged and you released your hold on his waist. 

“Then show me.” You said and cupped his face to kiss him roughly. You swallowed his delighted mewls when he rode you. Xiao pulled away from you to catch his breath but you had other plans. Your hand went down to his cock again to toy with him. 

This time, you won’t let him live down the embarrassment. After all, a shy adeptus feasted your hungry eyes.

You gave an experimental flick to his small cock and thumbed his pretty pink head.

“What do you want me to do, Xiao?” You asked, tugging at his dick. 

Xiao, who you thought would be initially too flustered to answer, answered, “Can you—hng— slap it again?” His voice was shaky but he really wanted to feel the ache again. He didn’t know why either, he doesn’t usually like the pain.

You followed suit. Gently slapping his dick a couple of times brought him closer to his edge quickly. He was moaning breathlessly near your ear, grinding on your cock. 

“Am I doing good?” Xiao asks, leaning closer to you.

“Mhm, you’re my good boy, the goodest boy for me.” You say and your hips buck up into Xiao to chase your own high.

Xiao nods feverishly at your words, a tingle going through his body. You take it as a cue to continue, “You’re taking me so well, Xiao. That deserves a reward, no? I’ll let you cum.”

Upon hearing that, Xiao’s hole clenched around your cock and his pace became uneven. He was spewing unintelligent ramblings in between his mewls. His nails were digging into your shoulders with enough force to draw blood. His eyes rolled back and all he could see was white nothingness. Xiao came with a loud, hoarse moan and slumped forward. His orgasm took a toll on his body. 

You could never get tired of seeing his blissful state. Instead of letting him rest, you manhandled him so that he was laying on his stomach. 

“Please, no more! It hurts!” He protested. 

“But I didn’t get to finish yet, Xiao. Maybe my adeptus can’t take too much.” You said.

“Just once.” Xiao felt guilty so he gave in. 

You smiled, your cock slipping into him without much effort. “My pretty boy always makes me feel good.”

Xiao didn’t have time to think when you roughly pounded him from behind. His body was burning from oversensitivity. His dick was aching because of the friction from the sheets below him. He couldn’t wriggle around, his body was heavy and his eyes barely stayed open. 

He couldn’t make out the words you said before you came in him but all he remembered was agreeing with your false promises of 'just once more' till he was left shooting blanks and having his hole filled by you to the brim. The aftercare was worth it though.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Crushed 15

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, manipulation, cheating, sleazy behaviour, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Your next door neighbours hook up, bringing to surface deep-seated feelings.

Characters: Colin Shea, Jonathan Pine

Note: Please scream at me!

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!)

Love you like my dog loves belly rubs (that’s a lot). Take care. 💖

After an early morning phone call, your mother insists on coming to town for lunch. You couldn't bear to tell her everything over the phone and frankly, you don't know how much you should tell her. You remember in high school when you were sent home after Kelly Harris dumped mud in your lap, your mother was more irritated to have you home than empathetic. 

You watch through the peephole before you sneak out. You haven't slept but you can't be sure Colin hasn't returned. There's enough noise in the building that it's hard to discern who's coming or going. 

When you do emerge, you flit quickly to the first floor and dip out, looking over your shoulder for either Colin or his vengeful girlfriend. You get through the lobby without trouble but you're not in the clear. Surely the day holds nothing but trouble, regardless of where it comes from.

You check the time as you wait for the cab. You refer to the text your mother sent before she set out and give the driver the name of the restaurant. You've never been there before and you're certain it's well out of your price range. Another debt for the tally.

This is the last thing you ever wanted. It makes all this drama seem all the more ridiculous. You’re a grown woman and this is what you’ve come to. Back to square one.

You approach the restaurant doors and enter with a sheepish grin. You don’t know that you own anything that wouldn’t be underdressed for this bougie brunch locale. Once more, you look at your phone. Crap, she’s there first. That means you're late even if you agreed on nine.

The hostess shows you to the table where your mother waits. She has her compact out as she touches up her mauve lipstick. She doesn’t acknowledge you or the hostess as you sit. She snaps shut the mirror and sips from her stemmed glass of orange juice.

“About time,” she drawls, “oh, and nice to hear from you after all these months.”

Her eyes finally deign to land on you. You gulp. You should’ve taken the chance of talking to your father but ultimately you know it’s not up to him.

“You’ve been so busy with Geri’s wedding–”

“Don’t try to guilt me for your neglect,” she warns, “you should be happy for your sister. Her fiance is a charming man. You’ve met Colton, haven’t you?”

“Once or twice,” you grumble. Family get togethers weren’t exactly your favourite memories. “I’ve been waiting on my invite–”

“Invite? You’re a bridesmaid. Geri sent out that email months ago. Is this why you weren’t at the fitting?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t get an email.”

“You’re wrong. Certainly, you must be. You and the rest of the girls are bridesmaids. You have to be. And it might be good for you to be involved in a wedding at least once,” she tuts. You don’t miss the jibe. Yeah, not like you have much hope of walking down the aisle.

“I’ll… I’ll call Geri and clear things up,” you say, “how are the others?”

“Well, Maeve is graduating this year. Always exciting. She’s thinking of joining Audrey at her alma mater. And Livia is somewhere in Spain again.”

“Ah, yeah, she sent me some pictures,” you say.

“And you? What are you up to?” She challenges. She’s not genuinely curious.

“Well,” you take a breath, pausing as a server comes to ask what you’d like to drink. You get the same as your mother and peruse the menu.

“Well…” your mother prompts.

“Yeah, um, I…” you shake your head, you can’t even look at her, “I am on leave from work so… not much.”

“Leave? What does that mean?” She hisses.

You feel your eyes tinge. You look at her. Why is she so different to you? Your other sisters can spill all their worries and whims but you, it’s always judgment. You can never do anything right.

“Uh, I thought maybe it might be a good time to–”

“Ah, pardon,” you’re interrupted before you can sputter out the revelation of another failure. You cringe as you recognise Jonathan’s silky lilt. Why? How? Do you even dare questioning fate anymore? “I just, I had to say hello.”

You force a smile and look at him, trying not to falter in front of your mother’s all-seeing gaze. She sits up, and lets out a hum of surprise as she sees Johnathan. Her lashes give a telling flick.

“Hello?” She utters quizzically.

“This must be one of your sisters,” he says as he runs his hand up the sleek lapel of his blue jacket, “very pleased to finally meet you.”

“Sister? Oh, do not flatter me. I am her mother, Eugenia,” she introduces herself with a smug smirk, “and how do you know each other?”

“Uh, oh,” you stutter and send Jonathan a desperate look. Do you tell her you’re his disgraced former employee? Or maybe just business acquaintance. She’s going to know eventually, that’s why you’re here. “Jonathan is–”

“Jonathan Pine,” he introduces himself, “honoured to finally meet you.” He looks at you, arching a brow before turning his attention back to his mother, “you both must be so excited for your elder daughter’s upcoming nuptials?”

“British?” She intones with intrigue.

“You’ve caught me out,” he grins, “your daughter’s been rather helpful in getting me acquainted with this country. Very lovely…” he peeks at you again, “hardly as lovely as her. You’ve raised a rather endearing daughter.”

“You…” she blinks in confusion, sending you another flabbergasted peek, “you and my daughter…” she lets the suggestion hang. Jonathan does too as he gives you an option; come clean or take the bait.

“I was waiting to introduce you at the wedding,” you blurt out, “I… it’s new.” You say, each word jarring as the lies piece themselves together on your tongue, “and I thought,” you look at Jonathan pointedly, “he was out of town.”

“Business trip was canceled, rescheduled to a business breakfast,” he slithers, “I’m meeting Gerry soon,” he checks his watch, “but I will be sure to tell the hostess to put your bill with mine.”

“Oh–” you squeak.

“Oh my,” your mother trills, “you are too kind. That is…” she gapes at you openly, “you… you’re with my daughter. Her?”

He chuckles lightly, “why wouldn’t I be with such a beautiful woman?”

“I didn’t mean– I don’t– I’m very surprised,” she exclaims shrilly, “she never mentioned, but then again, she’s always been so private. So shy. And you seem like such a lovely man.”

“I like to think so, but please, she is not the lucky one,” he preens and steps towards you. He places his hand on your shoulder and bends, grazing his lips across your cheek, “go with it,” he whispers. 

You turn your head just as his lips aim for yours. He kisses you and the air leaves the room. Your chest ties tight and your entire body tingles. Oh, wow. You’re too swept up in the sensation of his unexpected kiss that you can’t remember why you were so off-kilter a moment ago.

“Now let me not interrupt further. A mother-daughter reunion,” he puts his hand to his chest, “how sweet.”

He backs away and dips his chin. He turns on his heel and crosses the restaurant as you stare after him. The server approaches and sets your drink in front of you. You drink it in the silence of your mother’s disbelief.

“Well, you’ve done finely,” she says in a stunted cadence, “I… he’s so handsome. And tall. And blond!”

“Mom,” you plead as you nearly choke on the orange juice.

“Well. Even you must realise he’s very… dashing as they’d say in his home country,” she flutters her lashes dreamily, “oh, yes, you must bring him to the wedding. He’ll look wonderful in the photos.”

You wet your lips with your tongue and nod. You look down at the table, still buzzing as your lips warm up. You can’t stop thinking about that kiss. It nips away at the anger that kept you up all night, but hardly solves your anxiety.

You can’t tell your mother you expect to be evicted in the next month or that you lost your job. So what now? How do you untangle the knot that only grows bigger and bigger?

💗

For once, your time with your mom is less than torturous. She keeps her barbs dull enough to leave you only bruised. Her mood is a touch above neutral, which for you, is an accomplishment. You’re content but not entirely at ease. You have a lot to figure out.

You bid her goodbye just outside the patio seating and wave to her as she unlocks her luxury car. You watch until you see her get in and let out a sigh. Shit. Not only do you have Jonathan to worry about, but you don’t expect Colin to be AWOL much longer.

So what do you do? Go home and face the music or call Jonathan and try not to melt into a puddle of embarrassment. It was a nice favour of him to pretend but you don’t want to assume anything. High hopes and stupid girlish fantasies got you into all this.

As you walk along the curb, a short toot draws you to a stop. You turn as the whir of a car window steals your attention and you face the familiar car. Jonathan leans over the passenger seat to see you.

“You’re not going to run away again, are you?” He asks.

You twist your heel into the pavement and bend down. You furrow your brows as that big question needles between them. You can’t lie anymore, you can’t just wait for the truth to come out, you just have to ask.

“How did you know I was here?”

His brows lift and his eyes roll to the side. He gives a guilty grin, “I hope you don’t… misinterpret it but I… staked out your building.”

“What?” You puff out.

“Yes, I know, it sounds very bad. And I won’t claim it was entirely sane but I wanted to see the police take him away after I filed the report. To be sure you were safe and then… I sat stuck in my own head. Wanting to run up those stairs and knock on your door but also terrified you wouldn’t answer,” he shrugs, “and I followed you because I worried you might run into him, but that’s only half the reason…”

You swallow and step closer, “Jonathan, what are you doing?”

“Being crazy,” he lowers his eyes bashfully, “I know, you don’t need two madmen after you.”

You shake your head and reach for the handle. You open the door and get in. He sits back, watching you as you move your purse into your lap. You stare at the dashboard.

“What is going on?” You turn your head and look into his beautiful blue eyes, “what is this?”

“I don’t…” he begins.

“You’re my boss.”

“I was.”

“I never should’ve dragged you into this–”

“I’m so happy you did,” he murmurs.

“Jonathan, please,” you beg, “it’s not right–”

“You quit,” he insists, “so what isn’t right?”

You pout and sit back, turning straight and looking up at the upholstered ceiling of the car. You don’t know what to say. No, you don’t know how to say it. Except…

“I’m stupid.”

“What?” He scoffs.

“I’m stupid because… I’m scared and lost. And I can’t make you follow me through that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Feelings don’t just go, they just get complicated,” you explain, parsing through the stirring in your gut, “I hate Colin, I’m scared to hell of him, but I still… feel some of those things I felt.”

“Oh, but darling,” he reaches over and rests his hand above your shoulder, “I know feelings don’t just go. Mine certainly won’t.”

“Feelings? For me? Are you sure it’s not pity?”

“I only pity myself for how deeply I’ve fallen,” he breathes as you sense him leaning in, “the first day I saw you, I knew. I’ve never been much of a romantic but I have to confess something.”

“What?” You shy away, sensing how close he is.

“I knew how to use the coffee machine,” he admits, “I just needed an excuse.”

“You… did?” You look at him. He’s so much closer than you thought.

“Oh yes, if you hadn’t helped with the machine, I would’ve failed miserably in front of you at making copies. And if that didn’t work, well, I suppose I’d just have to make a mistake in my numbers,” he purrs, “you would’ve helped me, wouldn’t you?”

You quiver out a breath. You want to collapse into him, you want to let him make you forget everything but him, and yet, you’re so afraid. You’re afraid to believe that this could ever be real for you.

He doesn’t let your fear win. His lips are on yours again and that’s all you need. Nothing is left but that moment, the feeling of his mouth on yours, how his hand comes up to frame your jaw and cradle your cheek, his other creeping behind your head as he clings to you desperately. You can’t help by latching onto his collar, diving into his need.

You don’t stop until you're dizzy and breathless. He pulls back, hovering before you, thumb tracing your cheek bone as his other hand tickles your neck. His eyes search you, admire you, you’ve never been looked at like that.

“May I drive you home?” He asks softly, nuzzling your nose with his.

[thebottomfromhell]

can i request a uppermoons x female reader who is like jinx from arcane (you can watch arcane on netflix!!)

I have watched Arcane, good show, saying it as a person who never played LOL. It's one of those series where one minute leaves 3 hours discussion of a topic, and Jinx is wonderful in it. I love what they do with her, showing her struggles with her mental issues and the violent and political world around her, one having to accept that she is very hard to deal with as everyone is trying their best and failing at whatever they are doing.

Let's see if I can make her justice.

Female Reader like Jinx (Arcane ver) interacting with the Uppermoons

Warnings: Small Hantengu, Cannibalism, Unhealthy relationships, Mental health issues and neglect, Bad coping mechanism, Implied polyamory (can be read with Hantengu and all the clones, some or just one), Excesive use of violence, Bullying, Mentioned non-character human death amd Slight angst.

Gyutaro (ft. Daki):

If Gyutaro had a yen for every girl that got attached to him in an unhealthy manor creating a dynamic of co-dependance due several mental issues that remained unsolved because his over-protectiveness and his comforming nature, he would have two yen. Which isn't much, but it's weird it happened twice, specially with how ugly he is. But Daki doesn't mind and you seem to like his unsettling face and body. Gyutaro is not against taking care of you both, he doesn't mind and will gladly make his life about someone he loves for the sake of having any worth and purpose...

The problem, or one of them, at least, is that Daki nor you like Gyutaro taking care of the other. You both seem to want the older demon for yourselves, having him comforting you, making every tiny bit of ick and pain go away. "I was here first! I was with him before you! I will be here when you are gone! You are only a phase! Get lost and stop bothering my onii-chan!" "Shut up! If I am a phase then why are you so bratty about it! Just accept that your brother likes me better than you! Right Nichi-nichi?" You talk to a blade from a dead slayer that you turned into a snake toy, hearing what it has to say. Nichi-nichi agrees with you, "of course you are more likable than that Daki bitch", you knew it would agree. And yes, Nichi-nichi pronouns are it/them, thank you very much.

Gyutaro just puts himself in between you both, letting you grab one of his arm and pull as she grabs the other. "Enough! Ne, both of you! Stop insulting each other, ne." He scolds both of you, not minding as both of you play with his arms, Daki bringing his hand to her face to have Gyutaro comforting her. "Onii-chan! Onii-chan, Y/N was mean to me!" Really, he has no idea how to deal with you both. What is he even meant to do, last time he chose Daki as the winner of the argument you not only tried to harm her but harmed yourself in the process. And he can't just... not side his little sister. The worst part is that he doesn't want you to leave, and you don't want to leave neither.

"Please, ne.. stop fighting." He pulls both of you into a hug, letting his sister nuzzle against his stomach and you against his hack, using his hands to sooth both of you, sighing when you both relax enough to the point you are almost asleep. Seriously, what is he meant to do?

Gyokko:

"STOP STEALING MY MATERIALS, YOU CRAZY WOMAN!!" He screams on top of his lungs as you stole some bones and katanas, besides some paint and ceramics to build a 4 bladed gun with shark appereance... with his stuff. "What?" You ask him, seeing his horrified look at the materials spread on the floor, some even wasted, to make... to make.. "What even is that?" He ask, not really knowing what to say, feeling his head is going to explode. "You like him? His name is Fishbones! He is a fish, just like you! Say "hi" Fishbones! "Hello Gyokko, is very nice to meet ya"."

Fishbones... fishbones, of course. WHY THAT PIECE OF TRASH HAS A NAME! WHY ARE YOU- WHY?! "My head hurts." He really doesn't know how to deal with the insane, with you. He means, you are fun to be around, always helpful to kill people and fetch materials of all times, you are also very creative and a piece of joy... most of the time. Other times you just behave like a brat, and he would usually get rid of you by now but he guess it was his mistake to warm up to you.

"Hey! It's rude to ignore people, Mer-artist. Fishbones is sad now!" You move Fishbones so the "face" looks down for him to be able to express his sadness. Sometimes Gyokko is just so rude! He should thank the gods that he is funny and has the best materials for art, or else you wouldn't stick around. He makes a weird face, which you guess could also be a normal face since his face is weird, and you just tale Fishbones closer to you. "Don't worry, Fishbones. The ugly mermaid is just like that, he will warm up to you." You reach your ear closer to hear what he has to say as Gyokko decides to ignore you for now, and god that was funny, you laugh at Fishbone's voices. "Hahaha! Good one!"

"Why did I do this to myself?" He ascts as he sees you running away to play... he should have just killed you the day he met you. For real.

Hantengu + Clones:

Hantengu... stands you. You are not the safest person to be around and not only he feels intimidated by you, but also a bit afraid. You are always on something, so, while he appreciates you and likes you, he prefers leaving you to his clones most of the time, who can entertain you and keep up with you easier. That doesn't stop you from pulling him off his safe space, taking in your hand when he is small and running around with him. "AHHHH! EEEEAAK! LET ME GO, PLEASE LET ME GO!" You only laugh and keep running as Karaku laughs while Urogi flies over your head, playing with you. "I will catch you! I will catch you!" "Try to catch me! But I have Hantengu! I am the queen of the ga-" you are interrupted with Sekido and Aizetsu arriving.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! CAREFUL WITH THE MAIN BODY!" He says angrily as he walks where you are, everyone in their places without moving, until Sekido tries to reach your arm, making you dodge and keep running. "Catch me if you can!" Everyone stays dumbfounded for a while as Hantengu begins to scream again, grabbing himself on your fingers as the anger clone starts to build up fury as Karaku and Urogi begin laughing. "This is so sad, Hantengu looks like he will throw up. You are all just torturing the poor thing." Knowing he won't be heard, the sad clone just steps aside as Sekido explodes. "Y/N YOU FUCKING-"

He was about to strike you with the power of his staff but Karaku stops him as Urogi keeps chasing you. "Hey, hey, Sekido. Don't get so angry or you will be the one hurting the main body!" All the arteries seem to want to explode with some veins in the anger clone body, who just looks at the pleasure clone before stabbing him "THEN YOU GO GET THEM, YOU LAZY FUCK!" Karaku laughs as he heals "Ok! Guys! I was told to play with ya all!" This, again, angers Sekido as you all start chasing each other, except for Aizetsu who was waiting for everyone to calm down before inserting himself in all the action.

You like this group, it's mostly cozy and there is always someone willing to pay attention to you, to take care of you, listen to you. There are no expectations, just fun, being able to be a chaotic as you want, and you get to prove who you are in battle. "Got you!" Urogi lands on top of you, the impulse making you throw Hantengu in the air, being catched by Aizetsu's spear. "I think that was enough for today. It's making me sad." "Hahaha, great catch you both!" "Thanks!" "So scary! So scary!" "Can't you all stop causing trouble?!" Ypu would not change them for nothing. "That was great! Who wants another game?" "YES!" "NO!"

Nakime:

Look, you are a lovely woman, Nakime thinks it's endearing how you make your own projects and build up little things, as chaotic as they mey turn. You have like 7 rooms and 5 hallways to destroy as you wish in her castle, where you create your tinckets. She is very patient with you, listening to your problems when you want to talk about them, which you barely do, and gives you space when you need it. Sure, she doesn't talk as much as you probably wished she did, and Nakime does have her responsibilities, she still doesn't understand...

What did she ever do to you to blow up her room?! Nakime doesn't need to sleep, but of course she keeps a place for herself, one with luxuries and things she would have liked to have as a human, and now the surfaces are all burned up with the place destroyed. Her books, dresses, extra biwas... all gone. She doesn't even know how to react, the biwa of her Blood Demon Art almost slipping through her fingers. No words come from her mouth as you stand there, also burned but not as harmed as you could be. "Hey! Haha... this is not what it looks like."

Nakime then comes out of her shock. "What happened?" She knows better than to word it as "what did you do" since... you are not stable, at all. She understands that, and she also understand you have different needs from her, that your way of interacting with the world is naturally... other. Nakime likes to think that her stability is something that you need, something that will be good for you, as long as she can keep everything under control, as long as you both are in the castle. "I... wanted to make you a gift... but it didn't work like I wanted." You are guilty, you know how much Nakime loved the things in her room and you ruined it.

No, what are you talking about? You didn't ruin anythin, you had good intentions, you wanted to be helpful. That is enough, righ? You don't need to feel guilty about it, right? Right?! Nakime takes a deep breath before putting her hands in the side of you face gently, you can feel her loong nails scare away the ick and noise of your self doubt as her palms, not soft nor harsh, comfort you. "Ok. How about you lead me to your rooms next time." She is angry, but she also understand that her anger will be harmful, so as long as she can control everything... it will be fine. "Ok, next time!" You rush to put aside any bad feeling, relying in Nakime's stability for it.

Akaza:

He has to take care of you, he understands... you are a woman, and you are sick. Not the typical sick that can be cured, not that it ever bothered, but a sick more like... like Douma, not that Akaza will ever admit it. You have problems, a lot of them, and most lead you to cause problems. He understands that you want to prove your worth at the same time you just want to be able to live your life, he really does... but you need to stop. You need a break. To try and heal and it's awful because he can't nurse you as he should-

"Pinkie-flake! What are you thinking about? Your frown can basically shout in my ear." He doesn't get startled even when you break his concentration as you jump over his back, wanting a bit of attention. Akaza is nice, too worried for it to be healthy for either of you, as far as you are concerned, but he served as the best source of comfort. Now, if only he dared to let you fight, then things would be much better. Still, you like him a lot, Akaza lets you rambles and pays attention to you, trying to find solutions to your problems and is always around, so you never feel lonely or abandoned. "C'mon! Smile for me!" You say as you move to sit on his lap.

It's an innocent gesture, unlike what anyone would think, and Akaza understand that you want, need, the physical contact as he moves his arms to hold you in a more stable way. "C'mon 'flakes, say something!" He only looks at you for a while, not having idea what to say, or to do, besides embrace you close. It's a bit scary to not know what to do with you, because you do need help even if you don't want to accept it. Help that he can't give. "I'm thinking." Is all the can mutter.

You are not fine with not being told what is happening, so you start to poke his cheek with your finger, making sounds effects when you do. Akaza still lets's you be, berely noticing when the finger is replaced by a knife, stabbing the side of his mouth, blade meeting his teeth and tongue with the metalic taste of blood and the weapon itself. He turns to see you as he heals. "Oops... my bad." You laugh nerviiusly as you put the knife away, and Akaza feels like he is about to cry at the loss. "It's ok. It doesn't really affect me." "like if affects on you", he doesn't say.

Douma:

"Y/N! Can I ask you a favor? I have a pretty lady in my room, could you go there and make me dinner while I finish speaking with a recent follower of mine?" You do, eager to prove that you can do it, eager to test a new item you made with materials Douma gave you, you want to show you appreciate it, that you can help. You just want to help. So you do, as much as you can, even if that includes killing an innocent woman. If you are affected by it or not, it's not your priority.

"Well, it's a bit messy here." He comments, you over did it, you can admit that, but it's not like Douma minds. On the contrary, he seems cheerful at it. "Not that I would left the place better, my killings are almost clean, but I am a messy eater." He sits besides you as you smirk and laugh "Oopsie." He only laughs with you as he picks up a piece of leg and takes a bite, blood splashing in his face, making you laugh louder. "So..." he starts after chewing a little, swallowing before he continues. "How was your day?"

You start to ramble about it, making jokes and comments, sharing the moments with Douma as he listens, or is very good pretending at the least. He is interactive, but a paranoid part wonders if it's because he grew up doing this, he knows how to react, but does he actually care? Still, you would not just stop coming to Douma, who is not only a good resource of... everything, honestly, but he is just great. He lets's you do as you want, makes sure to listen, you both can have fun together, gives you chances to prove yourself. Really, why would you dislike Douma? Because he is fake? New flash, not everyone is as honest as they like to pretend they are.

Douma finds you entertaining, odd and new, exciting. He understand that you are both weird, that you should have been in a way that was not the same results as expected. Something is wrong with you, just like something is wrong with every demon he has met, himself included. Maybe one day he can turn you into one, would be hell of a demon lady, might even reach the Kizuki system. But those are thoughts, right now he is pretending he can help you, when honestly, nobody can. "Oh, really? Tell me more."

Kokushibou:

Kokushibou doesn't know what to do with you, rambling and using objects as toys, he thinks you as childish. It doesn't help the fact that you are sensitive, getting upset quite easily, but hiding it most of the time. Not that he would like to be responsible for your feelings, he can barely deal with his, so both of you shutting them down seems good enough. "Shi-Bobo! How've ya been! Missed me?" Urg, and the nickname. Seriously, he doesn't even know if you mean it as "death-eye-eye" or "death-moo-moo", why are you calling him that?

"It's not appropriate to call me that." Is the only thing he says, ignoring his question asn you walk around him playfully, slowly and gracefully before suddenly jumping on hin, graving yourself by his shoulders as you put a knife in his throat. Is it even a nichirin one? "C'mon, give a girl a break. It's always "blah blah blah rules! Blah blah etiquette! Blah bla blo-bloring-boring!" Say something fun for once!" His answer? Silence.

"Urg! You are so boring." You put the knife away, losing interest due the lack of reaction. Is it really too much to want something to happen? Something fun! A distraction from... ya know... everything. You really like Kokushibou, he is pretty and elegant, sometimes shy, which makes him easy to mess with. Other times he is just stoic, reacting at nothing, so you always have different buttons to press. So you move around him again before suddenly cutting one leg of his hakama pants and a little bit os skin. He didn't dodge due the surprise and the fact you didn't really hurt him... well, his pride is hurt with a leg exposed.

"What is wrong with you?!" He almost screams, almost, as he raises his voice and face becomes red ah he looks bashed and angry at you at the same time, you didn't know that mix was possible before him. "Awww. Is Shi-Bobo embarrased that his leg got exposed? Is he afraid to be grabbed by it? Big strong demon not liking the attention?" He reaches his sword, genuinely questioning if he should draw it out and slain you. He takes a few breaths, calming down, clearly flustered as you keep talking, not bothering with the fact he is doing his best to ignore you, but then.... "Run or I will end you." Some seconds of silence before you laugh and start running. "Sure, let's play tag! You're it!" He really doesn't know why he bothers to try with you. Really.

[tabswrites]

I'm requesting an infodump! Tell me about your characters, please! 👀 (I'm not kidding; please write me an essay if you would like!)

👀 well, if you insist…Thanks for the ask! shifting into emo mode

In order of how emotional I am about them right now:

Mara: She had a finger cut off, was exiled (twice), and forced to become a coldhearted nomad all within the span of three years. The only thing that kept her going was the idea that magic would give her pain meaning. Instead, she found that the price of magic, the thing that made her feel complete, was too much. She reacted the way the exile would—poorly, and scared away the only person she wanted to be around. She has every reason to slip back into her old habits but instead she has chosen love. I’m just really proud of her.

Adrin: Oh, boy. This sad golden retriever of a man has been punishing himself for three years. He blames himself for his sister’s death and took a job he hated instead of following his dreams of becoming an explorer. When he gets wrapped up in Mara’s nonsense, he meets Hettie, a sweet angel who reminds him so much of his sister. He becomes obsessed with this “second chance” he was given, and chokes on his own savior complex. Rather than accept the support of the only other people who understand his pain, he becomes the biggest asshole ever.

Hettie: I have given this lovely lady such a hard life. Her father passed away before she was born, and her mother went into a deep depression that lasted Hettie’s entire life. She was forced to take on adult responsibilities at a very young age but saw it as a labor of love. Everyone she meets grows to love her, often to her detriment. No one treats her as a capable adult, they treat her as something delicate. As someone who always sees the best in people, it takes a lot for her to abandon her sense of trust (thanks Adrin). Unfortunately, she doesn’t see anger as an emotion she is qualified to feel and it consumes her over time.

Oliver: Ironically I hated him when I first started writing. He cut off Mara’s finger and said he was “helping”, so…he’s not sympathetic for most of the first book. He kind of floats through life without much responsibility until he is forced to interact with Mara and Adrin, two people he wronged who happen to hold grudges like pros. When he finally sees how his lack of engagement in life hurts people he decides to take responsibility and make amends. He becomes a kinder, wiser and more empathetic person while essentially being an outsider to most of the main plot.

Lasya: I haven’t written with her much yet. She’s a pretty cool chick. Her father leads The Forsaken, a bandit clan that is directly responsible for the country’s fluctuating economy. She has to take on a lot, and often neglects her own wants in favor of others. When she meets Adrin, he has lost himself in service of others and she gives him a much needed ass-kicking…multiple times. She finds a new purpose in helping the others understand the country’s complicated past with magic.

[simpotat]

Hi if I may just have a ramble about how ace Oc.tavia may view her dad's affair (ft. my ace experience)

Now I found out my orientation at sixteen. Up until then, though not consciously, I'd always had this sense of lacking in relating to the sexual innuendos and jokes on TV or in real life made by my classmates. My thoughts on the concept of celibacy could've been summed up by: "well, duh, it's not hard". Sex in my head existed mostly as a punchline. Some fictional characters were obsessed with it, sure, but I perceived sexual desire as just that: fiction. I didn't understand why people cheated, or why sometimes teens my age got pregnant, or why it was said to be difficult and especially prudish to wait until marriage. All that evaded me. I didn't have context for my non-experience, so I figured I was the normal one and in the right. It's only thanks to the internet and my ample opportunities to have educated myself that I now see why my perspective is different, and that's okay, and the fact that allos are horny and want each other is also okay.

Via doesn't seem to have friends, and her family situation is shit, so I imagine her retreating into the internet just as much; which suggests that she would know her sexuality by now, but I for one had known about asexuality for a few years before I realized I identified with it. And some people only do when they're well into young adulthood. This kind of self-realization can take a few years to brew, so for the sake of the argument let's suppose she doesn't know it yet.

From the perspective of sex being a punchline, something completely optional and hardly motivated by urgent desire, something you can just give up with ease like skipping the orange juice to go with your cereal in the morning... how much more heartbreaking for her would Sto.las' cheating and continued simping for Blitzo be. Because she just doesn't get it. She just doesn't get why this random imp has become so much more important to her father than herself that he's willing to wreck the family and continually ignore and neglect her for him. Because it's not that they like each other, whenever she's seen the imp he's grudging and spiteful at best, and her racist ass dad condescends him at every turn, they're not in love, that's not even why this is happening, and maybe if they were that'd be something she could forgive... with time, and if she ever saw her father making an effort. She knows it's about sex, unfortunately, because Sto.las is a disgusting piece of shit who dirty talks the imp in front of his own underaged daugther.

He's having sex with an imp he's become obsessed with and in her eyes it's torn her family apart. And it was a choice. Well, of course it was, but if she doesn't comprehend the sexual frustration that would have accumulated for him during years upon years in an unhappy marriage where they haven't touched each other since their daughter was conceived, and he's gay by the way, and he's a lonely loser with no friends and no one to show interest in him, and if she doesn't comprehend the attraction or desire that can urge allosexuals to such actions so burningly and then keep them hooked, then it was an especially frivolous and hollow choice in her eyes. He occupies himself with some weird red dickhead because he cares about her that little. Sex, this non-necessity, was more important to him than keeping her family intact and caring for her. She knows her parents hate each other, now at least if she didn't already, but he continues to be distracted when she needs him at a time like this... by something so completely trivial. (Or, well, maybe she just has a freak for a father.)

And she wouldn't be wrong for thinking any of this. Because no matter how tormented the horny owl is, he continues to hold responsibility for his daughter, and he's done spectacularly terribly at attending to that. Twice he's attempted, and twice he's been distracted by the weird red dickhead... and his only selfish reason for it she may not even get.

[mizukagami-takamagahara]

I don't have a perfect grasp on Jubei as a character yet (haven't even started a proper character study of him) but I was thinking about him the other day, and his role as a father. People like to talk/debate/joke about him being a good or bad parent, and I get that's its own conversation, but it got me thinking.

I ended up, uh, rambling here, so TLDR;

I think Jubei's decision to start taking in kids like Ragna, Luna and Sena was inspired by a lot of complicated feelings, including

Every time he leaves, thinking the kids will be safe, things go to shit- he's guilty for that and doesn't want to make the same mistake again. (Kokonoe clearly hated her childhood, he left the kids with Celica and then the Church Incident happened)

Ragna looks so much like 'Bloodedge,' there may have been a sense of closeness/familiarity there, and a desire to not leave his friend behind a second time- especially to face certain death again (Bloodedge v. Black Beast, kid Ragna v. Terumi)

Ragna's desire to hunt down and kill Terumi could also bring back memories of Tomonori, who Jubei let chase Terumi despite knowing he couldn't win- and surprise, surprise, Tomonori died. Could Jubei let another person make the same mistake??? Let a fucking kid do it?

Jubei never really agrees to be a father or a parent to these kids, and doesn't see himself as one. He agrees to be their teacher until they're strong enough to take care of themselves, because they have no one else.

Wow even my TLDRs are too fuckin' long

As for the theory/rant in its entirety, which may just repeat the same points in more words;

I'd argue that Jubei hasn't wanted to be a father since Kokonoe. I haven't been able to read the parts of Phase Shift where he and Nine are together, so I don't know how he felt about having a child on the way. But as I understand it, he didn't leave her until he was being framed as a terrorist, being hunted down, at risk of being executed/assassinated.

He left Kokonoe behind in hopes she would be safer without him. Ultimately that may not have been the best choice, but it was a reasonable choice for a man who would have to spend the rest of his life on the run. And since then, I don't think he's ever seen himself as a father.

He got involved in Ragna's life first when he rescued the sibling trio from the lab where they were being held. We don't know a hell of a lot about that story either, but it seems like he had zero intention of raising any of them. He brings them to Celica, where he thinks they'll be safe and he can fully trust that they'll be loved. He views Celica as capable of being a parent, but he knows he himself isn't. He's a wanderer, a warrior, he can't provide the kids the life they deserve. So, again, he leaves them behind, where he thinks they can have a better life.

But he's wrong. He's so, so wrong. After the attack on the church, Jubei's only remaining family is dead, and everything Ragna had is also gone, assumed dead. Jubei walked away once and hurt his daughter, he walked away twice and lives were lost.

I think his choice to take Ragna in, after that, was a complicated one. I don't think Jubei ever saw it as adoption. I'd argue that Jubei and Ragna are undoubtedly a family, but I don't think Jubei would call it that openly, and I definitely don't think he was looking at it like that at the start.

I think, for Jubei, it was the only choice left after his neglect had caused so much pain.

And I think, knowing Terumi was at the heart of it again, seeing Ragna's hatred and desire for revenge, I think maybe Jubei thought of Tomonori. The brother he lost because he let him chase Terumi alone. Maybe that circled back, as another person his inaction/abandonment had left to die. How could he walk away again? Let another person charge unprepared into a fight against Terumi? Let a kid do it?

And I find it pretty hard to believe that, looking at young Ragna, Jubei didn't see his old friend. Bloodedge. Someone who changed his life, someone he held onto the memory of years after the short time they knew each other. Someone who also 'died' (as far as Jubei knows) because Jubei left him behind- even if he was asked to, even if they agreed upon it, even if it was for the best.

And even then, Jubei never considers himself a father. He doesn't let or encourage Ragna to call him 'dad', even though it's clear he loves him like a son. He doesn't see himself as a father. He agreed to be a (combat) teacher. That's what Ragna wanted and (in Jubei's eyes) needed at the time. It's what Luna and Sena would later need of him. Jubei has been a warrior all his life- he can be a teacher. But I don't think he thinks he could be a father, and I don't think he would ever agree to be one if asked. Not since he lost Kokonoe.

[hawkzeyes]

hiiiiii I just wanna know what your favorite things about clint are!!!

You wanna know about what my favorite things about my silly little archer man?!?!?! First of all I love you, second of all I could kiss you on the forehead if you wish it

TW for discussions of Child Abuse/Neglect

1. I LOVE love his sarcastic nature. Literally at any given moment you can turn and see Clint has something on the tip of his tongue. It’s almost like he can’t help himself and I love a character that can make me laugh

2. HIS ACTUAL HEART OF GOLD. Listen, Clint might not always make the BEST choices, but he tries his damndest to make the right choices. You can see him struggle with these thoughts and what’s right in his head often so we know he truly does care about helping people and doing the right thing despite things he was taught growing up as a kid!

3. His unending ability to get back up. Listen, the dude has been through A LOT. Child abuse, betrayal, abandonment, LOTS OF PAIN, and of course death…. Twice… but somehow he always ends up standing up and trying again. He is the definition of the Indomitable Human Spirit

4. HOLY HELL HE IS INCREDIBLY TALENTED?!?! He’s not just some guy!!! He’s an acrobat, a next level archer (if I remember correctly weren’t they throwing around whether Clint was mutated at some point because of his uncanny aim?? He isn’t they decided, but that’s still amazing), a martial artists, a sword master, the dude keeps up with some A game heroes!!! That is so freaking cool to me and he refuses to be pushed aside because he isn’t enhanced in any way. He’s capable of incredible things because he tells himself he is and then he does it!!!

5. His disabilities! Due to… situations in my life.. I can’t hear very well out of my right ear. It can get frustrating at times, especially when people don’t understand the nuances of disabilities. Reading about Clint navigating through that and struggling with his mental illness and not letting it win while still being a really cool superhero will never fail to make me smile

6. This one is personal so you can skip if you want!! TW FOR CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT but I didn’t come from great homes. I dealt with a lot of very…. Dangerous situations (Id rather not hash out cause I’m having a good day today) from my biological mother and eventually was removed from her custody to be put in a very emotionally devoid home and my father was never home, deployed. Gone a lot.. When he was home and actually present he was very… militant, cold, and genuinely scary. Throwing shit breaking things etc… very obviously suffered from PTSD but got no help… he taught me something that I’m still struggling to let go of to this day. He told me “you know that ball of hate and anger you have in you? Live off of it. Let it fuel you. It’ll take you places” I was like.. 10 🙄

After that I did, I listened to him. It didn’t take me anywhere good I promise you that LOL. DONT tell your kids this 😭 I struggle A LOT with anger issues and listening to my body when it’s told me that’s enough (learned this lesson the hard way at a young age with a knee surgery, rotator cuff tears, hip fractures, etc.. and now fibromyalgia) and seeing Clint push through a similarish position based around his childhood and his anger issues trying to figure out how to function with ppl normally, listening to what his body is telling him because he wasn’t taught otherwise is kind of like a hand in hand for me. It makes me feel less lonely.

He makes me feel not so unlikable not only that but when I was a little older his actions often taught me that anger actually made things worst and being level headed and working with others was how to get in a good place, but his anger and sarcastic demeanor didn’t make him unlovable. It was just part of who he was BUT it wasn’t the only thing that he was. Same with me! I’m so much more than my anger and I ought to love and live like that!

6. He’s like… really hot and swoon worthy LMFAOOO sorrrry he is a very charming character idk I get why Bobbi just up and married him in a week LMFAOO same girl, same.

[cyborg-hydra-girl-thing]

oh my god i think i am a shounen character lmao

trigger warning for violence neglect and torture

my grandma had a vision from god the night i was born (*doubt*) that I was going to be the vessel of Satan and tear down the entire clan, and it was my parents job to “appropriately” raise such a spawn

by 4 I was doing addition and subtraction with fractions, because they needed extra hands on the construction sites. The family business before the .com boom killed it was building houses and decks and such, and why turn down an extra set of hands? So I would measure and cut wood using power tools, and I was forced out of my fear of heights, because they needed someone to clamber up and down the sometimes 50ft scaffolding to bring them nails. to this day I’m still more comfortable at the top of a tree than on the ground

In kindergarten and 1st grade i was reading with the 2nd graders, because I was already reading (i still don’t remember how early I was reading but it was around 2-4

we moved when i was 8 and then i was in charge of chopping a cord of wood every month, maintaining and harvesting an acre of farmland by hand, and to get all A’s in every class. somewhere around here is when the violence really amplified, and it wasn’t uncommon for me to get hospitalized a couple times a month, but don’t worry! My mom was an ER nurse! So she would sneak me in a side door and patch me up in the break room and send me home. you know, so there’s no record of it. The rest of the time I had to stitch myself back together with whatever I had

By 10 my mom couldn’t hit me hard enough to hurt. So she had to become increasingly clever, and she researched CIA torture techniques, and her favorite was waterboarding, and forcing me to ingest things that were toxic and would make me ill

By age 12 I’d been shot dozens of times with BB and pellet guns. Got really good at squeezing the rounds out of my flesh like a pimple. Got chlorine gassed a handful of times. stabbed twice. spent basically age 9-15 permanently concussed. I slept outside in the woods behind our house most nights during spring-fall. I’d climb a tree and find a good branch and belt my torso around the tree trunk so I wouldn’t fall. And as long as i didn’t miss school or dinner nobody noticed. I had caches hidden all over the woods full of food that was sealed and would keep, because starvation was constant. If mom was working, all I’d get to eat for the day would be two slices of white bread, one for breakfast, one for dinner.

I was a wild, feral monster of a child, and any time i would act out (often) the entire clan would meet at grandma’s and they’d have an intervention, where everyone went around the circle telling me how terrible i was and how if I didn’t shape up i would deserve greater torments until I would be “cleansed” of my evil and join the family in the “light of gods love” and then the men would bestow a blessing upon me (mormon bullshit) and everyone would pray for me.

I was explicitly told that the entire family’s goal was to break me. like a goddamn horse.

They certainly tried.

The horrors may be endless but we stay silly :3

[crypticcodexcreations]

2022 Writer Year-In-Review

@inkspellangel tagged me for this, so let's see how 2022 writing went! I got rambly, so a read more!

Total number of completed works:

Um..... None? Oops. Really thought I was going to finish Hell's Casino when I started on it in August and then I didn't!

Total number of WIPs worked on this year:

Six, unless you count the vague concepts that all I've done is try to design characters. Then it's eight, but I don't count ones that I haven't done any writing on.

WIPs neglected this year:

That depends on the way you want to define 'neglected' because each WIP has kind of been left mostly untouched as soon as I started a new one. I've definitely gotten a little more on some of them, but honestly, all of them have been at least a little neglected except Reapers as it's my newest one.

Total word count:

I have a few things I haven't typed up, so those aren't counted, but with what I do have typed. 27,455 words.

Looking back, did you write more than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you expected?:

Oh, way more. I had stopped writing for a few years, and then just. It all came rushing back in August this year and I really didn't think I'd get very far.

Did you take any writing risks this year?:

The honest answer is probably no, but just getting back into writing at all felt like a huge risk in a way I don't know how to explain.

Do you have any goals for the new year?:

To just not stop, no matter how slow it feels.

Biggest disappointment?:

I think that would be the fact that Hell's Casino has kind of gotten buried under everything else. It's a pretty straight forward story and I'd like to get back to it. Every other WIP has so many more moving pieces so to speak.

Biggest surprise?:

Honestly? Just how much all of my stories have gotten attention. I know there are others here who get way more attention, but that doesn't really matter to me tbh. I have a nice handful of people who get super excited about what I do write, and honestly? The tags and such are so much more valuable than twice as many likes and nothing else, you know?

Most popular story of the year?:

This is hard to judge because each story has had about the same amount of interest, just from different people it feels like. I might have to give the title to Reapers though, as it's the one that caused me to actually make a tag list, because I got a request from someone to be added to it.

What's your own favourite story of the year?:

Oh, you're going to make me pick a favorite child? Honestly, it's hard to say because I love them all for different reasons. Reapers has given me the most moments of absolute giddiness writing it so far though, so I guess Reapers wins another award lol.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

Cross Over could use some more love to be completely honest, but I also can't say I'm super surprised. That one is just completely self indulgent shenanigans and also didn't have as much posted about it.

Most fun story to write:

That's been Only Human. While Reapers has won out on making me absolutely giddy, Only Human has made me really think a lot about where I'm going with it, and gotten me to smile a lot while also getting me both out of my comfort zone and into it at just the right moments. Out because I usually don't write such low stakes type stories, but in because it's always there with my completely queer cast of almost no humans. It's fun because some aspects have been challenging, but also a refreshing break from some of the more heavy stuff I've been writing.

Most unintentionally telling story:

I feel like this might be Only Human, just because of how much of my personality and identity William stole from me. Although, Reapers is likely a close second, but only for the parts that haven't been shared, which hardly counts I think. To be honest though, I feel like all of my stories are very telling and I'm kind of aware of this whenever I write. I see the me going into every piece, and I know that the only way to hide it would be to write something I'd hate, which I just can't do.

[pwurrz]

first and current impressions of nukani boys part 1/2

eiden: 

first impression: oh he’s cute and kinda stupid, i like him :) gives off protagonist vibes tho

current impression: he’s such a good guy and he’s such a sweet and caring boyfriend who cares about his boyfriend’s individual needs and tries so hard to help them in any way he can. he always tries so hard to be a good person but he doesn’t let people walk all over him. moans are an 8/10 love the diversity between his top moans and his bottom moans <3

aster: 

first impression: pink twink. bonus points for being a vampire.

current impression: he is so funny to me. just a little guy but he is also such a bitch (affectionate) sometimes. he’s very dramatic in an almost stereotypical way but it never gets tiring bc he’s funny about it. moans are a 5/10 due to lack of material to go off of.

morvay: 

first impression: himbo <3 him and aster are frequently bought together.

current impression: himbo!!! he is dumb and thicc of ass but big of heart and boobs. him and aster are definitely two peas in a pod and as much as they bicker it’s only because they love each other. deserves more screentime!!! moans are 7/10, pretty good!!

yakumo:

first impression: oh he is so cute!! i love shy boys <3 i hope we get to top tf outta him

current impression: SCREAMS FOR 8 YEARS ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. would die for him without hesitation. deserves the entire world and so much more. he is so so sweet and sensitive and caring and a crybaby and that’s what makes him so lovable. still hope he bottoms one day bc i would love for him to get lovingly wrecked <33 please go to therapy babyboy ilysm. moans are a 10/10 mwah mwah chef’s kiss. his little noises are so cute and his gasps are so cute please never stop.

edmond:

first impression: ah the token tsundere. never been the biggest fan of this trope but he’s very pretty so i’ll see how it goes.

current impression: oh baby… he’s not really a tsundere he’s just very inexperienced and shy and gets really flustered easily in a way that seems tsundere-ish. I’m so happy to see him trusting and opening up to eiden because i know it’s hard for him but he’s come so far <3 please learn to rely on others and take a break every once and a while. moans are a 9/10 they’re very breathy at first but then he lets loose and oh…..

olivine: 

first impression: hello big tiddie priest man. lots of shy and reclusive guys so far but i’m into it.

current impression: OH THIS MAN IS NOT SHY HE IS A WHORE (affectionate). he’s so kinky and open about it?? which is refreshing because all the guys we’d met before that (besides morvay ofc) were the complete opposite. very sweet and caring but not so much he neglects his own needs or tolerates thing that make him uncomfortable. eiden was so right to assign him as the leader of tidal wave of summer because he’s very patient and understanding, the perfect teacher. moans are… a 2/10 he’s enjoying it and like good for him but i worry about someone overhearing even if i’m wearing headphones. 

quincy:

first impression: oh hi…. big big man nice tits i mean nice tits i mean-

current impression: i don’t care that he’s an old man he’s baby. initially he was a loner and avoided anything troublesome because he didn’t want to grow attached to people who knew he’d outlive but ever since eiden came into his life he’s learned to cherish the memories he’s made with people and live in the moment. his visible fondness for those he cares about is very sweet. he's also one of the characters who consistently makes me laugh and he's not even trying to be funny. he should uhhh try bottoming once or twice. also his tits deserves to be played with thanks. moans are a 9/10 speak up!! i wanna feel like you’re growling directly into my soul!!!!

kuya: 

first impression: oh my god he’s such a bitch. why does he hate eiden so much can he chill??

current impression: oh my god he’s such a bitch (affectionate) a sadistic masochist with a breeding kink who fooled eiden into thinking he straight up killed someone for annoying him and it was believable??? but i get it. i understand him. he’s so emotionally constipated and i wish he’d just let his guard down for five seconds and be soft with eiden and just admit that he loves him!! no one believes you when you keep saying you don’t like him sir!! moans are a 7/10 they’re very… soft. they feel very intimate because you wouldn’t expect something like that to come out of him.

[beforejanuary16]

Okay, I’m back. Apologies— The writer was away and around other humans and if they saw her going back and forth responding in paragraphs they’d be all ‘?’ .. lol. Super sorry for the major delay in getting back.

Also, we did clear these things up on the phone! I agree. It was never meant to hit you with emotional whiplash. It’s only been brought up again because when you told me you weren’t feeling okay once or twice, (you 100% don’t have to tell me what was making you feel down, that’s not what I’m getting at) — I worried that us communicating could’ve contributed to you feeling this way, which is why I asked if it was scaring you. You answered to that, then understandably asked if it was scaring me as well. I was just responding my truthful thoughts to your counter ask.

Truth be told, I’m not trying to waste your time at all either. A few days after we had spoken on the phone, I saw you on here reblogging things (yes, I stalked) & I thought it was really sweet. Which is why I started reblogging too & I changed the user to beforejanuary. Prior to being beforejanuary it was inactiveee(insert multiple numbers here) & I didn’t want to keep it because I wasn’t sure if it looked super rude lol. I started back at the reblogs because you started back. And I’m not saying this rudely at all, to be clear— I just don’t want it to be misconstrued.

It’s also not that I won’t ever let you meet this undiluted Honey either. But I do have to be honest, while I loved popping up and tweeting or shooting a surprise at old friends— I’m not sure I’ll ever really go back to Twitter after everything, at least not right now and at least not full time. I don’t think I feel too comfortable, & I don’t want to waste your time only to have you possibly feel neglected by how much I stray from the app. I care about you, a lot. I’d never want you to feel left hanging.

And this isn’t all because you’ve expressed how you felt on Twitter, either. It just doesn’t feel like much of a safe space anymore or somewhere I can fully express myself as a character with open arms, trusting I won’t bump into something and cause a fight. I’m bad at not being myself. After a while, I do think the me I worked hard to build and become took a hit from it. I wouldn’t really know how to be that person anymore, not right now. And that’s not your fault. My writer’s also in the process of picking up pieces of her own health and life and after a while Twitter was hurting more than it was helping, and getting into another fight or misunderstanding would probably just result in her discarding her phone into the Pacific and attempting a self performed lobotomy lol. (Jokes.) .. Which again, isn’t your fault! But we’re just trying to be mindful of where we step so we don’t eventually set off a mine. You’ve expressed feeling the same in different ways before, so don’t think this goes without feeling empathy for those moments either. This is just me letting you know where my head’s at. I was honest on the phone when my writer spoke about not going back on there, despite missing the occasional pop up tweet or two. I’ve been on for 11 years & it’s easy to miss your old comfort place when times get hard lol.

I get not feeling like you didn’t have a solid footing to express yourself because you were on a short while, and that had to have been tough. It’s not lost on me how being in a new place and trying not to step on any toes had you feeling cornered and on egg shells. I’m sorry you had to go through that, because it truly isn’t what I wanted for you. That kind of impact isn’t easy and I know that as much as I can say you weren’t an issue at all for me, in fact- you were far from, it doesn’t change the nights of feeling afraid and alone during those worries. I only ever wanted you to feel at peace. I hope you can believe that. I was never trying to make you feel like a fool either, and I’m never opposed to reassuring or letting you know how I feel on anything. I just get defensive when it feels like fingers are being pointed or I’m not being heard, because in the past that usually just meant ‘stand down and be the bad guy or I’m painting you as the bad guy regardless’. No one really has to be that, especially when it’s just a misunderstanding or something that can be spoken through. Taking on a role that isn’t you isn’t fair, especially when it isn’t one you were doing in the first place. That’s when it feels like I have to retreat for my own safety, y’know?

Also, when it came to interacting PUBLICLY— I do wish I specified on this, (I think after a while I was really just trying not to trigger a fight lol) .. But I did NOT know how to because I know me and when I’m seeing someone, I am disgustingly graphic about it on the TL. Obviously not to a ‘blow him and make everyone uncomfortable’ standard, but to a point where it’s painfully obvious we’re seeing each other and he sees me naked on many occasions, lmao. I do know some people aren’t into excessive PDA and I really, really worry about making my partners uncomfortable potentially and did not want that to happen. I know you think it might’ve been because I didn’t want to fight with Anteros either but he and I didn’t talk anymore after a while and even when we did talk, interactions like that didn’t cause fights. I put a strong boundary there. But it was never because I was ashamed of you or because I didn’t want to interact with you at all. I’m also just weary because of .. other fucked up things that have happened in the past with people being sneaky. Not that I think you’d be sneaky, though.

You’re for sure worth that while. I just don’t really see myself getting on there anymore, especially if I’m trying to heal and my writer’s got her own pandora box of life she’s trying to put back together. There’s not much energy left in the head & if she does conjure up a small speck of optimism, one more fight (with literally anyone, not just you) is gonna stab it into oblivion, I fear. 😭 Which is ridiculous considering it’s an app, but mental health’s a funny thing and healing with it’s even funnier. I don’t like being a neglectful person, especially to a partner, and I wouldn’t want those facts to ever make you lay at night feeling alone and like you’re not important to someone you’re involved with. That wouldn’t sit right with me, especially because I know what I can provide and when. My cup is just majorly empty at the moment, and I couldn’t fill anyone else’s if I wanted to. It’s not your fault. The last big fight just was a wake up call that I need to keep it distant from the app.

Love is a very deep thing when it’s real, and all the ways I ever told you I loved you, I meant. My heart truly in the palms. That break up wasn’t fun for me either and that fight truly broke every piece of me. I understand how it hurt you, it really hurt me to and it was scary how much it did. It has been a very wild past 2-3 years of me fighting and feeling broken, with other situations I’ve opened up about with you, and the fact that I was still up and fighting my way through more days is something I’m proud of. But I’m also aware that how I can’t keep slapping a bandage over how I feel inside and trying to take care of everything else while ignoring how much I have to pay attention to injury. Feeling worried about stepping on egg shells and not being myself might just obliterate any essence of that ‘real Honey’ I have left. And for any kind of memory’s sake that my writer has with her and all their years together (lol. i’m aware that it’s giving Eddie & his symbiotic relationship with Venom— I am not that crazy. I just mean that it’s been a long time and something we’re proud of keeping up with because we basically grew up together, in a weird, psychotic way, and during a really hard and confusing time in life.) .. We want to do that memory justice, and not stop it all under a perspective that isn’t us. It might not be forever, because I don’t know the future. But I know that it’s right now, and I know that it’s going to be for a while.

This was also never meant to waste your time either because, like I said, I saw you reblogging things first & I wanted to reciprocate that. You never made me uncomfortable on here either, and I do hope I haven’t done the same. If I did, I’m really sorry. I’m not trying to be a tumor in your life either. Twitter and I just need some emotional neosporin and gauze before I can think about that again, even if I do miss a pop up here and there sometimes. Comfort’s an easy thing to miss sometimes and if sugar’s a hard thing to cut down on after three months of eating cafe bakery cupcakes— I’m sure it’s not hard to see why 11 years of habit can be pretty tough too, lol. I’m just trying to make sure I’m still a person underneath all the healing, and hold onto the girl I built the whole time. Maybe she’s a different girl now, and that’s okay too. I just can’t know that if I’m somewhere I fear I have to be on defense on the whole time. I take care of the people around me a lot and I’m so proud to, I love to, I always felt like I was born to. This is just the first year of my life that I feel like I need a little bit of the care, and the only person who really feels they can do that job for now is me. Other people aren’t my keeper and I know that, they need to take care of them too. If you couldn’t tell, it’s a very confusing time for me. But I really wasn’t trying to waste yours by requiting said reblogs and such, only to hit you with the revelation that I’m not ready for socials right now, because I did say that on the phone and I did mean it. A part of me assumed you just still wanted a small way of interacting, and if that was wrong to assume I’m really sorry about that too? I’m usually good at reading a room but, like you said, fragmentary communication can only get you so far. Room reading’s great but puzzle piecing takes a bit of work. Especially when it comes to my own assumption, lol.

[freelancearsonist]

the only heaven i'll be sent to

➔ post-outbreak!Joel Miller x reader - 1.3k

➔ Joel finds a familiar face while out on a smuggling run.

➔ Rated PG for pure angst, one single kiss, and references to Joel's self-inflicted gun wound/self harm

➔ This reader insert character is: gender neutral, no pronouns or body description. Generally able-bodied but otherwise a blank slate.

➔ This is my submission for @wannab-urs Hozier Drabble Challenge! We're going more off the haunting siren song vibe than the actual lyrics, bear with me. i wrote this in one sitting while 🚬 and it's... kinda trippy. thank u to my love @fhatbhabie for betaing and @saradika-graphics for the dividers <3

Joel’s taken this route tens to hundreds of times and never seen anything out of the ordinary. It’s a predictable path. It’s quick, easy, and safe. Quiet, even, aside from the occasional infected. But they’re normally solitary and isolated–even the clusters are small enough that he has no trouble taking them out.

He starts letting his guard down, bit by bit. He gets comfortable, complacent. 

That’s when you show up.

He’s not paying attention to the crunch of fallen leaves and debris underneath his heavy boots as he walks. His rifle is slung over his shoulder and bounces off his broad shoulders slightly with each step he takes.

At this point, the towering old church is nothing but a landmark. It’s corroded just as everything else, mangled with the telltale rot and ruin of neglect. The bell tower looms high and casts a long, ominous shadow over the path he walks.

Joel’s taken this route tens to hundreds of times and never seen anything out of the ordinary–not until he notices the cloak-shrouded figure standing in the shadow of a church sign whose letters have long faded away.

The figure, so like a mirage, seems so ridiculously out of place that he actually hesitates. He blinks once, then twice, but it’s still there–a solid, corporeal being. Human.

Joel fumbles for his rifle, trains its sights expertly on the cloaked figure. His hands shake when something terrifyingly familiar sweeps through his gut–fear. Not the kind that he goes to sleep and wakes up with every day, but unadulterated terror. This is the kind of horror he felt on outbreak day, the gut-wrenching sort that makes him feel like he’s going to be sick.

He steadies the tremor in his hands and swallows the knot that’s formed in his throat. His voice is booming as he addresses the figure. “Don’t fucking move!”

He sees hands clench and unclench underneath the billowy cloak sleeves. If this was an infected, it would already be charging him–so there’s at least that much. But something tells him that whoever this is, they’re much more dangerous than any fungus head could ever dream to be.

“Lose the fuckin’ hood or I’m shooting!”

There’s a flicker of indecision that he can see in the twitch of fingers–and then those hands slowly rise to reveal the figure beneath the robe. He sees a glint of silver caught in sunlight as the hands move, but he doesn’t process it before he sees the face.

Your face.

His knees crack hard against the worn pavement, but he doesn’t feel it. He doesn’t feel anything at all, really. All he can do is watch, slack-jawed, as you approach with precise and effortless steps.

It’s like a bout of sleep paralysis; you look down and set a sharply cold palm on his stubbled cheek, and he can do nothing but limply sit there.

“You’ve aged beautifully, Joel,” you whisper–your voice is exactly as he remembers it. Sweet, mirthful.

You haven’t aged a day.

He feels the cool kiss of your engagement ring as your hand slides feather-light up the right side of his face, fingers dancing over the faded scar on his temple.

“Oh, Joel.” There’s something akin to reproach in your voice. “That really wasn’t necessary. You were always going to turn out okay.”

His throat bobs around a thick gulp–he wills his muscles to twitch, to move, to do anything.

You sense his total awe-struck surprise, and it makes you smile. God, how he’s missed that smile. 

“Come with me, baby.” 

Before he can respond in any shape or form, you turn in a flurry of billowing fabric and start up the slight incline to the chapel doors.

It feels like a bucket of ice water washes over his nerves as he watches your retreating form–everything tingles.

He moves on autopilot, without really processing it. One moment he’s kneeling on cracked pavement, and the next he’s squeezing through the barely-there gap in the doors that fallen beams have created.

It doesn’t even look like you’re moving, it’s like you float. Walking is beneath you, he supposes, it always has been. He used to joke about just scooping you up in his arms and carrying you wherever you needed to go so you never had to work another day in your life.

Now, as you lean back against an overturned pew, his voice comes back to life. “W-where have you been? I–”

“I know. You’ve missed me so much, haven’t you?” Your voice is so soothing, it always has been. He always saw you as a lighthouse in the midst of his roaring waves.

“I looked everywhere for you.” The tears start to flow then–they leave little paths of salt down his time-worn face.

“I’ve always been with you.” You set your hand on his chest, right over his heart, and your touch is too cold. It seeps through the heavy flannel fabric and into his skin, spreading like wildfire to his toes and the tips of his fingers and the top of his head. It’s not right, you’ve never been cold, you’ve always been the warmest ray of sun on a summer day for him to curl up and luxuriate in.

Somehow he feels you fading away even though you’re still in front of him, still holding his heart in the palm of your hand. 

It’s not enough time.

He takes your face in his hands and smashes his lips to yours, ignoring the bone-deep freeze that settles over him. He’ll take this, take anything, just for more time.

You kiss him back so sweetly, almost like nothing’s changed. Like time hasn’t molded him into someone new, someone who isn’t even a shadow of who he was when he was loved by you.

And then you pull away, and losing your touch makes his stomach twist violently.

You look him earnestly in the eyes, and for a moment he can pretend everything’s okay. That nothing has changed, that the world spins on as it should, that Sarah’s asleep upstairs and Tommy never calls for you to bail him out and the wedding’s in just a few months, he’s really got to stop procrastinating on calling that florist you picked out–

“Wake up,” you whisper.

He wakes with a start and nearly launches himself off his cot; luckily, Tommy is there to catch him and talk him down.

“Joel, Joel!” The younger Miller shouts, hands firmly on his older brother’s shoulders to coax him back down on the cot.”Settle before you do yourself any more damage.”

Joel feels the familiar press of bandages wrapped tightly around his forehead–slowly, his eyes register the crowded tent around him and his brother. With heavy resignation, he sets his head back down on his pillow.

“You were mumblin’ in your sleep,” Tommy murmurs once he’s sure Joel isn’t about to go nuclear. “Dreamin’?”

Joel searches the deepest recesses of his mind–and he comes up empty. Everything is so achingly empty.

“I… I can’t remember,” he whisp

ers–and then, for some reason he can’t explain, his eyes fill with tears.

Tommy sees it and looks away. This should be a private moment, but it can’t be. Not in this camp where everyone is packed together like sardines in a can. Not when he’s worried that leaving his brother alone for a moment again will make him an only child.

We’ll find her, Joel. She can’t be that far.”

Joel feels that numbness again–the darkness that only your touch could extinguish. And somehow, he knows that they won’t; that the best chance he has of ever seeing his betrothed lies in the shadows of a long forgotten church somewhere in New England twenty years down the road.

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[shuxiii]

hey shuu!! it's me hahaiahsja twice in a day who would've thought

this might be a bit (a lot) big because I just finished my run through of next door and cat page after so long of neglect due to school, so here's your warning for that!!

I'll begin with cat page because I'm excited ashdjam I'm not even going to lie one of the first reasons I put a hold on my reading of it was because the thought of hating cats hurt my heart in many ways and I wasn't prepared for it (even if it would pass and it wasn't anything too evil aaaahasjje) but haerin being petty in the latest chapters had me laughing so much it got me excited to go back to reading cat page as soon as I could!

it makes me cackle so much how cp!yn changed completely because of a crush hahahakshaksj although definitely not in an extreme case like hating cats I too have changed my ways to please a crush in the past and it's so funny seeing this from an outsider perspective I'm loving it (also please don't ever change yourself for someone else unless it's actually a bad habit because people should love you from who you are)

also a bit of a side note but everytime hyein is the younger sister it feels like she's either too stressed or being pulled into complicated stuff that it's none of her business I never know if I should laugh or be concerned tbh 😭😭

and sebastian whiskers is such a funny but actually good name you're a genius shu, a genius.

also also!! haerin being jealous is so funny I'm having so much fun you're insane with humour aaahahdjdj

but I'll stop for now and begin talking about next door already before this actually becomes an essay (I'm so sorry if this is way too big but I don't know if I'll have time today to send more asks so it's easier to send everything together while I can 😅)

now I'll begin this part saying that I love learning new words 🥰 everytime you write a word that's not in english and explain to us the meaning I get all tinglish with excitement because I love learning about other languages and cultures and it's so cool and aaaaahahdhsksj and there's so many of them in next door I love it hihi 😊

and as a musician!! I actually got a bit offended when han said "stupid guitar" on the first chapter I'm not even gonna lie but jake irritates me so much more like mate excuse me I'm trying to enjoy my childhood ""enemies"" to lovers drama can you please move out of the way???

but anyways! poor haerin and dani being pulled into their sisters dramas they deserve a hug and a ice cream each!!

"excuse me?" "you're excused" had me seated with a big bucket of popcorn so hard why are you so good?? aaaaaaahskahdhsk shu you– you bring an unhinged expressionism out of me it actually scares me I love your stuff so much here's a heart 💜

oh! also also! the fact that next door!han is blonde is such a good character detail giving how her personality is here it fits so much!!! you and your amazing brain are so lovely aaajashdj

and their moms and minji being the biggest hanyn shippers they're so cute 🥰 like that's an unspoken rule I have with my stories I think all my childhood friends to lovers have their parents shipping them together because it's just so funny to write that (specially the grandmas I love making grandmas ask every family gathering if the characters are already dating aahskajs)

anyways! I'll speedrun this because it's already feeling like an end of the year school essay and I don't wanna give you that kind of headache hahahaksjdjq

nd!jake makes my blood boil how does a person do that to hanni???? he's so heartless souless foolish I hope his layla bites his ankle so he can't play anymore >:(

well I guess this is it! sorry for it being humongous 😅😅

have a good night amazing shu!!

bye bye shu <3

Oh my god UWBSUAHAHA THIS ASK IS A LITERAL ESSAY 😭😭 SOME KIND OF LONG FIC 😭😭😭😭IM SO FLATTERED AUZBAUSHSH IM EMBARRASSED U TOO UR TIME TO WRITE FOR ME… USZHSUHS I HOPE U ENJOY READING MY SMAUS AND IM SORRY IF I CANT WRITE AND RECIPROCATE UR LONG WORDS BUT THIS MADE ME GASP and i hope u have a good day too AJDHSUS IM FLATTERED U LOVE MY HUMOR AND WRITING LOVE UU

[neo-shitty]

hope you dont mind me popping in to your inbox to scream abt whc1 bc you are truly the only person out of my friend circle that has watched it 😭😭 first of all

facts. he can do no wrong.

second of all its been days and i am still processing like this has never happened to me before ?? usually i am a lil :// until the rest of the day when i finish a sad drama but with this im just so heartbroken still. yesterday during a big mental breakdown (unrelated to the drama i am not THAT crazy ok) i realised why it hit me so hard and i think its bc i somehow relate to sieun (anger issues and all /j) and so i somehow projected into his character and so when it all went down with suho i just couldnt deal w it ?? I LEGIT HAD A MINI PANIC ATTACK it felt like it was happening to me 😭😭😭 like he was such comfort for me. he broke the cycle of loneliness and stereotype for sieun and i just really adored each interaction they had. the fact that they would both kill and die for each other makes me bawl my eyes out.

but when it all comes down to it, i understand beomseok, i really do, but i also dont. i dont think ill ever forgive that character, i just cant. i cant imagine how it must have felt for him and i couldnt be able to deal w life either if i was in his shoes, but my brain just cant grasp the lengths he went to hurt people that did nothing but care for him and tried to help him with everything. he's a complex character for sure, one you have to analyze to get, but i dont have it in me to have a single ounce of sympathy after the ending of the drama.

but to think that the parents and the adults were truly at fault here ?? beomseok being abused, sieun abandoned and neglected, suho not really having parents around either (i read somewhere that they are canonically abroad or something?? not too sure), the policemen not taking sieun seriously at first, the teachers seeing the shit happening and not doing anything to stop the bullying... where were everyones parents when all those kids got caught up w the gang? its truly sickening and heartbreaking to think that this truly could be happening anywhere and to anyone.

and it broke me so much bc i could accept beomseok drifting away from them and stuff, but to gang up on suho on his fucking birthday? sieun cooking and decorating with young yi and taking pics for her insta (i strongly believe her and sieuns friendship is SO underrated they were so cute together) and both of them just hid it from everyone to protect suho,, their sunshine ??? the poor boy must have been so confused and lonely on his bday and it makes me :( and then when he saw sieuns cast and went to avenge him ?? I read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.

also i find it funny how i found the drama through a clip on tiktok where jihoon cried at watching the last scene where sieun breaks the window and i was like oh this should be just the right amount of sad for me rn and then i got emotionally damaged. :,)

yeah anyways my fav trope is found family and FUCK all of those who hurt my sunshine bc now im forever heartbroken.

sorry for the rant toffee but it did felt cathartic to write this all out

bar, please don't worry about it. feel free to come back any time you have to yell about it and i'll try to get back to you as soon as i can.

sooho was just too easy to love. we headed into that show blind HAHA we should've known it was too good to be true! i never saw it coming actually.

same !! took me days to get over this too. *hugs* i'm sorry about the mental breakdown, i hope you're feeling a bit better now !! oh the projection must've made the whole thing twice as hard. again, sooho was such a comfort character :( his happy go lucky nature was such a breath of fresh air esp when the themes occasionally got dark. i want that dynamic for me actually (to kill and die for each other, yes). i usually find it corny but it was so well executed here.

oh bumseok :( i think it's valid to simultaneously understand him but at the same time, find what he did unforgivable. i get where he was coming from and how he was just looking for a place to fit in—where he wasn't looked down on. idk how to describe it but when he started misreading the situation (like that whole bit abt sooho not following him on ig but following young yi), i think something in him snapped. he was so fed up with being helpless at home and at his previous school that when it happened a third time, he did everything to get back and lashed out.

I 100% BELIEVE THE ADULTS WERE ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST NEGLIGENT FUCKERS AROUND. like???? leaving a scamming syndicate to be dealt with by high schoolers?????? bumseok's fake ass politician dad??????? sure, sieun's parents were 'present' but emotionally distant, like check on your kids bitches or not have them at all god dAMN. i thought some of the aspects of the bullying were exaggerated bc from where i'm from it never gets that bad but hearing that to an extent, it was truthful about it just left me dumbfounded. how could parents allow things like this to happen under the radar? it's unbelievable and heartbreaking to me.

yeah, i thought bumseok would just join his cool boy squad but he really had to do whatever the fuck he did :D my girl, i know you read my tags and i was vile as fuck towards him but at the time i was just so angry too. also yes! youngyi and sieun's friendship <3 i wish they had more time </3 and honestly, if bumseok didn't do a whole 180, i think the four of them would make such a cute squad. like the way they would protect each other??? hmp :/

'i read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.' i saw that the other day and that broke me to fucking hell i could sell anyone's soul to see them together again (SPECIFICALLY, with the other one being fine and out of comatose yes i would love that for me.

ohhh, i've been meaning to watch that vid of them reacting to whc1 but at the time it didn't have subs. jihoon's acting was so fucking effective like??? the sadness the eyes of that man has can sway me to do anything !! so sorry that you got so much more than just a little sad bout. heading into this drama blind was like bringing a knife to a whole war.

this show made me realize that tragedy could strike any pairing on any show and i wouldn't bat an eye but have the same happen to a found family and then i'm instantly destroyed. THE SHOW ACTUALLY REMINDED ME OF YOUR CHENJI FIC????? FUCK. please do let me know if you ever get around to writing something related to them haha i'm ready to be destroyed.

please do not ever apologize for ranting especially about this show !! i went through this whole phase ALONE last year (watching it after christmas was the biggest mistake, i ended my year DEPRESSED as FUCK) so i'm offering as much help as i can.

[reddy-reads]

I have finished the book. It was GREAT. Perfect cozy sweet and earnest and funny and it made me cry a bit (I have lots of feelings all the time). There's a little twist but it's set up so it's more like an anticipated event (which I like just fine) and I want to read like 11 more books just like this. Perfect Reddy book. GOOD BOOK GO READ

--

Also edited (twice!) to add that there are 'various fucked up things' in the setting backstory but that's actually part of the charm for me >_> I still think this is a cozy and comforting book. more notes (and spoilers) below the jump.

BUT the spoiler free version is "to me, being a cozy and comforting book is not about Nothing Bad Ever Happens Ever, Even Offscreen and Discussed." It's really about hope and love and kindness --and happily-for-nows

Re fucked up things in the backstory/setting (this is partially in response to another post i saw, unfortunately. I try not to make trouble but it got me thinking)

there are a few references to the fact that neither the protagonist's mother nor grandmother really wanted to get pregnant. I guess that could be a content note but that's the extent to which it's discussed.

the protagonist and kids are POC and their absent guardians are white British ladies. They were all renamed by their guardians. Yes colonial implications are strong with that. I'm not British, but as the adopted POC child of white parents, I actually liked that? Not because I think it's A Good Thing In Reality but because... well... it is kinda messed up and we aren't pretending otherwise. And it doesn't get like "fixed." It felt very realistic to me. (for the record I love my parents and will knife fight anyone who looks askance at them), and i liked the fact that the book wasn't About That. This didn't ruin the cozy tone for me because... I dunno because that's my life? We might get caught on the wrong side of this -ism or that -ism (the kytriarchy) but that doesn't mean happiness is lost to us. (also edited to acknowledge the very good point my partner made, which is that being POC insulates me from white guilt, but if I suffered from white guilt I might reasonably be expected to find the book less cozy than I do. seems like a reasonable supposition, although since I live in this reality, it's hard to say)

one of the characters had a violently abusive childhood. Another had a childhood of abusive neglect. For me, this makes their choices to do better for the current kids more meaningful. This doesn't detract from the coziness of the story for me because people choosing to do better comforts me.

not everything is fixed at the end, but the characters decide to persevere and make the most they can with the time they have. This doesn't detract from the coziness for me because that's what living in the world is like. The triumph of the discipline of hope, even in the face of ongoing struggle, is uplifting to me. Not everyone gets an unalloyed victory over the whole world and its injustice, but choosing love and choosing hope are still worthy

So anyway i firmly stand by my assessment of the book as cozy (FOR ME). Firstly, fuck-all happens (I say this with love). No one has to throw a ring into a volcano. No-one has to fight an undead monster. They mostly deal with domestic-sized interpersonal issues like "can I trust you?" Staying inside and dealing with issues within a certain scope is a component of coziness for me. Secondly, the worst stuff that happens to the characters... has already happened, for the most part. They are hurt, but the book is mostly about the healing time. Thirdly, the book is very hopeful and loving in its orientation. Does love win? Do characters choose connection over isolation? Yes. Good. Do characters choose to do what is right even when it's scary? There is a kindness towards these characters, even when they fuck up, and especially when they are hurt. Coziness (for me) doesn't mean "it never rains or snows." It means "even if the winds howl and shake the rafters, here, now, we have something warm."

This book has kidnapped me... I was just going to start it over breakfast and then Buckle Down and Get Some Work Done but here we are and I'm 149 pages in. Send a search party for me