#so is jason mcconell

[rad-rat-with-a-tophat]

Jake Dillinger is both Icarus and Apollo.

Fight me on this. I dare you.

[onestolendare]

Here goes an over analysis of “Once Upon A Time”, I will heavily discuss the topics of suicide and suicidal thoughts in this analysis and I’m putting a huge Trigger warning and content warning for those on this post!! Please be sure to be in the right headspace before reading!

@bluejaye91 asked me to do some more songs and they motivated me to actually do another episode of this!!

It had been a hot minute since I listened to the demo tracks of bare and let me tell I was shook when I gave Stupid Second Thoughts a listen.

There is one CORE difference in the demo that is not in the final version. It is made so clear in stupid second thoughts that Jason is already planning to kill himself before he even goes to see the Priest!

Listen to these chilling lyrics:

“Heart beat, pumping blood and racing in it’s final hours” (00:00 -00:09)

“I don’t need to search anymore, No other arms could hold the peace of yours To stay with you I wish I could” (00:09-00:27)

“But I’ll have to let the worlds fall on your sleeping years So I don’t see you honest tears” (00:27-00:42)

“It’s so hard….” (00:42- 00:49)

Like wow, are you already crying? Yeah me too and this is only the start! We follow with heavy recall to the song Ever After

“I know I should be the hero that fulfills you dreams

But some Ever After’s just can’t be” (00:49-01:03)

This lyric was cut after the 2000 Los Angeles run, and gotta admit I kinda miss it!

The demo version also contains the confession that Jason was indeed very much in love with Peter!

“So goodnight my love yes you heard it righ you were my love” (01:03-01:15)

This line heavily reminds me of this lyric from “Bare”:

“Please know I loved you from the start” (01:15-01:30) Which is a line Jason says after he has decided to kill himself.

There is one last imagery I in the demo version that I find interesting to share.

“Nothing left to say Trapped alone here with my best plans laid astray Standing scared outside a locked church, soul search Seeking some last answer from some higher power” (01:30- 01:53)

A locked church as opposed to a cold church. In this version Jason feels even more hostile towards his religion. Also note that “higher power” was replaced with “a god who loves me” so in the demo Jason truly doesn’t think that his god could accept him the way he is. And in this paragraph we have again indication that Jason has already made up his mind “nothing left to say” and “some last answer” namely.

I think it’s safe to say that in this version the talk with the priest has much less impact on Jason which is probably why these lyrics were all cut and altered at some point!

With that let’s move on the soundboard audio of the 2000 Los Angeles run, the song is now officially called “Once Upon A Time” and much closer to the final version

“I don’t need to search anymore No other arms could hold the peace of yours To stay with you I wish I could I know I should be a hero who fulfills your dreams But some ever after’s just can’t be” (01:53-02:31)

This is a slightly altered version of what was in the Demo. But to quote one the dear people in the bare discord it’s also THE line we were robbed of!! Jason McConell stop making us cry challenge!!

“Once upon a time When all was good and right I held your hand in mine” (02:31 – 02:54)

What this paragraph is telling me is that Jason didn’t feel wrong or dirty when he was with Peter, and by John Griffin’s delivery you can tell the despair inside of Jason, he knows that the church and his family can’t accept him, and once upon a time clearly signals that the time when all was good and right is over and will never be again.

“And we knew it all Did you know my love for you The only truth I ever knew” (02:54 – 03:12)

Also “The only truth I ever knew”! We know that Jason has a lot of internalized homophobia and this lines invokes just that to me. He thinks that being with is wrong, it’s not what God or his family wants from him but when he is with Peter it all clicks together. Being with him is Jason’s only truth, the only time we can allow his real feelings.

I also want to put this paragraph into contrast with the final version:

“Once upon a time All I needed was his hand in mine And we knew it all but Now I know not what I do I bow my head and turn to You” (03:12-03:29)

I feel like the early version of the song is much more about Jason and his relationship with Peter than Jason and his relationship to the catholic church.

So let’s end this post with the only two differences between the 2004 and the 2007 version:

The so hard ending was actually still in the show during the Off-Broadway Previews

“It’s so hard” (03:29-03:43)

During the official 2004 NYC run the ending of the song was like this:

“All I needed was your hand in mine, Then I lost my way And now I know not what I’d do I bow my head and turn to you” (03:43 -04:08)

In the album Jason says “his hand” whereas here Jason says “your hand” so he is actually talking to Peter, and that prolly has a reason but it’s 1 am and my brain is dead

One last quick note: I do these lyrics by ear so they may not be 100% accurate since English isn’t my first language! 

And that’s all we had for you today kids! Hit like and reblog if you enjoyed, drop a comment for a suggestion of what the next song should be and goodniiiight (yes I read that in my head the voice of a youtuber adfdfd)