#so in those 4 hours I saw more patient than what I’ve seen in other clinics for the full 9 hrs

[stumblingthoughts]

Teachers, and the space between.

I wasn’t going to write today, but I find my energy has returned to me now at 8pm so I may as well clock in.

In my life I have been blessed with some extraordinary teachers. I often wonder whether I have been especially blessed in this regard, or whether I lie roughly in the average but that I value my teachers more. I have always had a strangely strong bond with teachers, going back to about 3 or 4 years old. For whatever reason, I seemed to be a favourite of those early teachers, and rightly or wrongly they made that known. Subsequently as I’ve met my next teachers, all the way up to the present, I seem to look at them with wide eyes, foreseeing a potentially two-way relationship where perhaps some of my peers simply saw “authority” or “discipline”.

This predisposition benefits me greatly to this day. Even if I look back to early adolescence I have seen exceptional reward from coaches, teachers and older students who look to take me under their wing in one small way or another. Every time as this relationship flowers, I feel as if a small hidden truth is being mystically revealed to me and only me. It really is a privileged position, one which I am not sure that I deserve, but one that I nonetheless cannot pass up.

When I was about 16 years old, I began to assistant coach in the sport I played as an adolescent. I was exceptionally meek and quiet for months, terrified to project my voice to a small group of 11 or 12 year olds. Once again, I was blessed with patient and sincere mentors who guided me through these early days.

A few months into this journey, our team went to a tournament. We travelled off to a town about an hour away to play a few teams. There were only 2 games, and in the break in between another game was to take place. I discovered that from our club, another team was present. Ever the workaholic, I went over to the coach of that team and asked if I could help out. To my surprise, he immediately told me to lead them in the warmup, and then to coach the game. This coach, we’ll call him Tom, dropped me immediately in the deep end. After this, he became my coaching mentor. I stopped going to the other team’s trainings and began going only to Tom’s team’s. Instead of being guided along like a toddler learning to walk, I was being thrown in like a gladiator in the colosseum. It was an exhilarating feeling.

After only a couple weeks, Tom challenged me to make a coaching plan for half of the training session. For that 45 minutes, he just watched, and didn’t interrupt.

I probably sucked. In fact, I definitely sucked. But on that day I learned more about coaching than I had learned in months with the other team.

I’ll attempt to draw us back to some kind of conclusion, because I could genuinely talk about this for a long time.

I haven’t coached for years, and I do miss it. It’s an itch that I can never quite scratch. Even the idea of becoming socially confident wouldn’t get close, because at no time in our day to day lives is there the opportunity to instruct and lead and demonstrate and explain in the same way.

Recently, however, an opportunity to teach at the institution I work at has revealed itself. As my mind has predictably digested every potential scenario, I have realised that I have a real passion for teaching. Maybe in a few weeks or months or years I’ll be over it, but if my coaching career is anything to go by, maybe I won’t. What’s important to note, however, is that had I gone back to coaching, I would not have the time or space to take this on. A good friend of mine once counselled me to take what I had learned from that time in my life, and use it constructively to push ahead in a new direction. My temptation had always been to go back, and I feel many people may relate to this.

Perhaps, looking back in a few years, I may see that the years between my coaching days ending and my teaching days starting were an important time to reset and prepare me for the new path ahead. It has certainly reset the hunger I can now feel, the hunger that drives me now to jump in head first and make this happen. If I were coaching now, maybe I would let this opportunity slide, or wouldn’t quite grab it by the horns in the same way.

If I could dare to try to extract some kind of lesson (definitely not counting my chickens here), perhaps all periods of “not having” are vital for the success of the periods of “having”. Perhaps the void prepares you for the universe in a way that the universe can’t. Would we live as boldly if we knew we’d be living forever?

[sunflowerstudentnurse]

I probably shouldn’t post about this on here because it’s so personal, but what the hell.

Trigger warning: miscarriage

I’ve debated a long time about having kids. I wasn’t sure if that was something I wanted out of life. C and I finally decided to bite the bullet and do it. He always wanted kids, and regardless of my inadequacies of being a mom, he would be a great dad. I’ve always thought he would be a great dad.

We tried for three months and got pregnant on the third month. I was so excited, but so stressed. I tested often and had hcg beta levels drawn twice on 16 days post ovulation, and 20 days. They were adequate for that timeline.

I went for my first ultrasound when I was 7 weeks and 5 days on 4/19, C went with me. The doctor told me I was 6 weeks and 5 days. She said I was probably just off with my dating and my last period. I had that horrible gut feeling in my stomach, but she showed us everything. The gestational sac, the yolk sac, the embryo, that little flickering heartbeat. For two weeks, I struggled. I knew so deeply that something was wrong, but thought it was just the nurse in me overreacting. I finally couldn’t handle it and went to an ultrasound place where they said there was no heartbeat, I knew before they told me, I could see that little embryo with no movement. I was on hold for thirty minutes, but I was able to get an appointment with one of the doctors in my group to do a transvaginal ultrasound to confirm.

Did I mention I work with these doctors? That I’m a L&D nurse that is well aware of what was happening. That the office staff tried to convince me I just needed to go to L&D to be evaluated, but I know we don’t see patients until 18 weeks, that I know I would be in ED for hours with a non emergent situation. When I told them that, they immediately found me an appointment. I shouldn’t have had to tell them that. They shouldn’t be favoring me because I work in the same healthcare system and know the way things work.

The doctor told me I could have asked one of them to scan me on the unit, which I could have, but then everyone at work would know I’m pregnant. She told me the clinic I walked into was maybe wrong because it was an abdominal ultrasound, and 8 and a half weeks was still too early. As soon as she found the sac I knew again though, she pointed out all the things that were there, but I told her there wasn’t a heartbeat, and she agreed. She told me I was measuring at 7 weeks 5 days, so it had been a week since the baby had last had a heartbeat. I already knew all this, I knew that sinking feeling I had at the first appointment was right, I knew there was a reason I couldn’t see us turning our extra room into a nursery, why I wouldn’t talk about the future with C when he’d ask me baby names.

She gave me the options. I could pass naturally in the next 6-8 weeks, I could get a d&c, but she recommended the mifepristone and misoprostol, so I agreed. I took the mifepristone in office, and 24 hours later I took the miso. Thirty minutes later I started cramping, and within an hour I was throwing up and cramping worse than I ever had with periods. A couple hours later, I saw the littlest placenta I’ve ever seen in the toilet.

I feel so empty now. Like all those plans I had in my head don’t mean anything any more, and maybe it’s because I never said them out loud. There won’t be a little dragon baby any more. December 1st will pass and it won’t mean anything to me, even though it should have.

I went out with C a little bit ago, and I kept having to remind myself not to cry. I’m not a crier, but maybe I am now. And now I have to continue like this wasn’t ever going to be. I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant, so how do I tell them now I’m not?

And then one day, we just try again? I just one day put myself in the position that I might miscarry again?

And then I go back to work on 5/20. I go back, and I deliver other peoples babies and pretend my heart isn’t going to break again and again each time? I go back, and know that I’m going to cry at work one night, and my carefully curated personality is going to be ruined because all my co workers are going to see, they’re all going to know I’m broken inside, and they’re all going to try to make me feel better. I know after my managers saw my doctor’s note from a doctor on my unit that they’re going to know what happened, and they’re going to pull me into their office to try and make me feel better, and they’re not going to know what to do when I cry because I don’t ever cry.

How do people come back from this? How am I ever going to come back from this?

I don’t know how I have anything left to cry, I don’t know how I keep crying.

[closetedbumblebee]

White Wedding (Addison Montgomery x Female Reader)

Weddings are supposed to be full of love, happiness and gratitude. A wonderful celebration of two souls coming together as one. Today was one of those days. Callie and Arizona were finally and officially tying the knot.

It was supposed to be a happy celebration all round; all the happy couples loved up, attending the wedding together. Meredith and Derek, Christina and Teddy, Owen and Amelia, Richard and Catherine, among others showed their support for the sweetest couple who were currently reciting their vows.

You sat alone in the third row from the front, extremely proud of your friends. You were smiling from ear to ear as they each walked down the aisle. You knew their story like the back of your hand, and couldn’t contain the happiness you felt when Callie and Arizona finally came through for the other, especially after the accident. They had come so far.

You felt a pang of sadness, taking a look around the room at all the couples. You wished your girlfriend, Addison was here with you, but she had to fly back to LA after Sofia’s delivery. You barely spent enough time together as it is, both of you living in separate cities, leading separate lives. You did, however have a relatively strong and healthy relationship, taking the time to have long phone calls, FaceTime, and send as many text messages as you could. You tried to sneak weekends away  to LA, also. 

But, things felt strained for the last few months, and you both felt the need to remedy that. 

The last time you and Addison saw each other was during her stay, which was 4 days long. You hadn’t seen each other for five weeks, and you could tell the strain was getting to you. But, you both pushed those feelings down to focus on your friends. After all, you were both doctors.

When you did catch up, you and Addison had a slight argument the night before she was set to jet out of Seattle. You sort of made up, but you hadn’t really spoken since, just the odd text and call here and there.

You reminisced… 

“Honey, I really want to stay longer, but I can’t. I’ve got patients to get back to and-“, Addison said sadly.

“We’ve barely seen each other for weeks on end, and when we do, you suddenly have to rush off again. I get that you have a new life now and I respect that. Of course I do, but where the fuck do we fit in?! When you took the job in LA, we promised we’d make each other a priority regardless of whatever happened. You only fly back to Seattle when Richard needs you. I’m busting my butt every other week, rearranging schedules, going out of my way to see you. Because guess what, Addison? I love you! Clearly you don’t love me enough, otherwise you’d be making some sacrifices” you snapped.

Addison was taken aback. You had never seen her look so sad and upset. You just missed her so much, and wanted to be with her. You instantly felt guilty for snapping because you didn’t mean to go that far and before she could say anything, you jumped in again.

“Shit. Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just miss you so much. You know that. I’m so so sorry”, you said, equally sad as you reached for her hand.

“We’ll, I’m not going to say that didn’t hurt, because it did. But I understand. I guess it was deserved. I’m sorry too, sweetheart. I’m gonna do better, I promise”, she said.

You held each other tight, “I love you”, you said in unison.

Addison was about to say something else when - 

Her watch beeped, reminding of her flight and you drove her back to the airport where you shared one last kiss.

It wasn’t the way you wanted to make up, but it was a start.

Upon arriving back in LA, she texted immediately.

‘I’m back. I won’t say back home, because it isn’t home. Never has, never will be. My home is with you. FaceTime with me tomorrow? I love you baby xxxxx’, she texted

“Me too, my love. I most certainly will. I’m so sorry again. I love you too xxxx”, you replied.

Things improved between the two of you over the next four weeks, before she told you she couldn’t attend the wedding…

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I really wanted to be there, but I just can’t get away”, she said, evidentially disappointed.

“Oh…okay. It’s fine. I can try and film it for you. It’s not going to be the same without you. I love you”. You were sad, but you didn’t want to push her.

……………..

Drawing you from your thoughts, you noticed the last of the guests arriving before the brides made their voyage down the aisle.

“Excuse me, beautiful, is this seat taken?”, you heard a voice say.

You thought you were dreaming. It couldn’t be. You looked up, to see a familiar, beautiful face smiling sweetly at you.

“Addison?!”, you shrieked

You both started crying as she pulled you up into her arms, holding you tightly.

“Surprise”, she whispered huskily into your ear.

“What are you doing here?! I thought you couldn’t come”, you cried.

“I couldn’t bear being away from you anymore”, she said, smiling through tears.

You kissed her with everything you had, before she pulled back.

“I mean it. I’m miserable in LA. I can’t stand it there. So, I’m coming home - for good”, she said.

You didn’t exactly comprehend what she said at first, but then gasped in delight, wrapping her up in your arms. Looking around, your friends were watching you both, all clearly happy for you.

You and Addison still had a lot to talk about, but right now, you put it to the side when Callie and Arizona appeared….

Everyone cried during the vow exchange, and you and Addison shared sweet, knowing looks, never letting go of each other’s hands.

…………..

At the reception, everyone gathered around Arizona and Callie as they had their first dance as a married couple.

Addison wrapped her arms around you from behind and rested her chin on your shoulder as you watched the happy couple. You hugged her arms, and she reached around to peck you on the lips. You two couldn’t get enough of each other.

When it came time for other couples to join the dance floor, you and Addison wasted no time walking hand in hand to the floor. At this point, everyone was in their own worlds, all content and happy, buzzing from the day’s events, while you and Addison were completely wrapped up in your own little bubble.

“So….”, she said, arms wrapped around your waist, holding you close as you swayed to Shania Twain’s ‘You’ve Got a Way’.

“So…”, you repeated.

She jumped right into it. 

“I’ve missed you, my love. I really have. You are everything to me. I’m so sorry for making you feel otherwise. I shouldn’t have been neglecting us”, she said softly, her eyes not leaving yours.

“Addie, hey… No, please. I’m sorry - I had no right to go off at you. I should’ve been more understanding. You uprooted your life and that’s a huge deal; because you’re a big deal, babe. I thought about what I said to you that night, and it was completely unfair, way out of line, in fact.. I was just projecting my feelings onto you. I was so scared that by you moving would have jeopardised our relationship without thinking about anything else. It was me, I was selfish”, you said, sheepishly.

“In other words, you thought I’d cheat on you. That’s it, isn’t it?”, she asked.

You felt tears in your eyes. Blinking them back, you smiled sadly and nodded.

“Come on now, you know I would never, ever, do that to you”, she said.

“I know. I…know. I just should've been more supportive of you. I know what this opportunity meant to you”, you said, your tone apologetic.

“It’s not all on you, okay. I realised I was working longer hours, and I turned my back on us because I was so overwhelmed with all of it, and avoided you, because I think deep down, I was scared too. I was afraid of hurting you, and was terrified the long distance wouldn't work at first. So, I can see how you must’ve felt that way”, Addison said, gently touching your face.

You looked into her eyes, to see the tears shimmering like white diamonds.

“Baby…”, you said.

“Being away from you, not being able to see you, or hold you, or kiss you, made me realise that you, that what we have, is worth more to me than any job. So I told Naomi I quit, called Richard, and he offered me a new job”, Addison smiled.

“Oh, Addie, that’s great!”, you said gleefully.

“Yes, yes it is. But, the best part is that I am now Grey Sloan’s Chief of Neo-Natal Surgery. I’m officially the boss now, baby. You know what that means. This is going to be so good for us!”, Addie said.

You were crying softly and gently touched her face. You knew what this meant; Addison being in charge of her own specialty, back on home soil meant everything to her. She was determined to fight for her relationship with you, so being the boss meant she could make her own rules and schedule. But, not only that, she deserved that title; worked hard for it her whole life; and you were determined to fight to the ends of the earth for her. 

It hit you then that she was really back.

“You’re home?!”, you asked, almost in shock.

“Mm-hmm. I’m home, baby”, she beamed.

“No more messing around, no more arguments. This is it - you and me. No more turning back. I want to fight for us”, she continued.

“I want to fight for us too”, you said back.

You smiled brightly at each other, feeling more connected and more in love than ever.

She was just about to kiss you when you heard the clinking of champagne glasses, as Callie’s father, Mr Torres called for a toast.

“Thank you everyone for coming to celebrate my beautiful daughter, Calliope and her wonderful new wife, Arizona on their special day today. These two have gone through hell and back to be together. I have never felt prouder of my little girl, than I do today. I look around the room, and see it filled with such love. It’s a really beautiful thing. Real, true love is a once in a lifetime feeling, so if you’ve found it, hold onto it with both hands and never let it go, because it’s one crazy ride. Ladies, I congratulate you both on overcoming your obstacles and finding your way to each other. I love you both so much, my dear daughters. To Callie and Arizona!”, Mr Torres exclaimed, full of pride.

“To Callie and Arizona!”, everyone said.

The newlyweds kissed, before turning their attention to the wedding cake.

You and Addison watched the whole exchange, extremely proud of your friends, grateful to be a part of their special, historic day; however, deep down, you both pictured this day of your own, in your not so distant future.

Addison and you shared a look, and you both just knew. This was the path you wanted to take.

“Forever and always, Addie”, you said, winking at her.

“Forever and always, Y/N”, she repeated, clutching your hand, bringing it to her lips.

[meltwonu]

| 🍒 CH-CH-CHERRY BOMB! 🍒 |     [CHAPTER 20] FINAL

pairing; dom!seungcheol x camgirl!reader

this chapter’s notes; camshow, sex toys, shibari, dom!seungcheol, dirty talk, overstimulation/forced orgasms, squirting, degradation, name calling, daddy!kink, gags! 😍💕 ✨HAPPY NEW YEAR!!✨ Here’s to more fun fics in 2021! I can’t believe this is our last chapter though omg 😭 It’s been suuuuch a journey and a privilege to write this little series out! I’ve honestly thought about a camgirl/boy series for like, over a year now, and I’m glad I finally did it! I completed one of my goals! 🥺💕 2020 was definitely a wild one, but I want to thank you all so fuckin’ much for supporting me and stickin’ it out with me all year! Here’s to more in the coming year!💕 Also I was proofreading this at the dining table last night thinking my roommate wouldn’t come out of their room but they did(while I was making dinner and my hands were dirty so I couldnt close my laptop ☠️) and they walked past my laptop and now I’m convinced they saw my fucking smut fic right in the open so yes my little mini-break next week is MUCH needed cause I am ✨embarrassed✨ 🤣 I’ll still do my inbox roundup tomorrow and probably answer a bunch of small thirst posts ‘n stuff throughout the week but there won’t be any drabbles! For now, enjoy chapter 20 🥺, have a safe weekend, and remember that I love you~ ❤️🍒💕

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 COMPLETE

Seungcheol wakes up much earlier than you do the next morning; pressing a kiss to your forehead as you groan and snuggle deeper into your pillow.

“Baby, I need to go run some errands for a little bit, okay? Just keep sleeping, you don’t need to get up yet. But, I made breakfast and put it in the microwave for you when you decide to get up later.”

His voice is muffled and you can barely understand what he’s saying but you nod; a soft sigh on your lips when you drift back into dreamland. He takes his time getting ready, checking his phone notifications as he gets dressed and places a note on the nightstand knowing that you didn’t catch a single word he said.

‘Hey, did you get everything I asked for?’

Jimin🧍🏻: of course, who do you think I am? Jeongguk?

Jimin🧍🏻: and btw, i’m just giving you a crash course okay? We don’t really have a ton of time

Jimin🧍🏻: did you watch those tutorial videos I sent you?

‘Yeah, I did some practice on my breaks, but I guess you can tell me if I’m doing anything wrong.’

Jimin🧍🏻: okee, i’ll be waiting. Don’t get here too late!

‘I’ll be otw soon. Thanks again, Jimin.’

“Ow--damn, okay, you don’t need to tug on it so much!”

“Sorry, I’ll be careful! And why are we practicing on you anyway?! Couldn’t you just have shown me pictures or something?”

“How else will you learn if not on an actual body? It doesn’t work the same way, Seungcheol.” Jimin pauses, checking himself in the mirror. “Also, keep in mind she does have boobs so just… go slow, okay? It’s not gonna sit like this on her.”

Seungcheol blushes a crimson red; biting the inside of his cheek at how amateur he was at this.

“Okay…”

Seungcheol is gone for a lot longer than you anticipate and although he replies quickly to your texts, you can’t help but be curious about where he’d gone and what he was doing.

Especially knowing that the two of you had to film tonight and knowing that everything was up to Seungcheol.

A shiver rolls down your body at the thought and you quickly try to shake off the nerves that seem to slowly invade your body when your mind starts to wander.

“It’ll be fine, I’m sure…”

“I’m home!”

“Where have you--oh, that’s… a b-big box? Um, should I be concerned...”

Seungcheol grins, shrugging as he sets it onto the kitchen counter. “Just some supplies for tonight. I had to go pick them up from a friend but I had to make sure everything was right.” He notices the way you can’t seem to take your eyes off of the box; eyes twinkling when he makes his way towards you.

He tilts your head up to meet his in a searing kiss, lips easing into a smile when you wrap your arms around his neck and melt under his touch. You moan against his lips just before he pulls away; staring dreamily at him while his hands start to roam over your clothed body.

“We have a long night ahead of us, sweetheart. Let’s pamper you a little before then, hmm?”

j__min: ??? where’s the loverboy

j__min has donated $200

angelhan has donated $75

therealchan99 has donated $50

xcaliburDK has donated $75

xcaliburDK: is that the sybian? Haven’t seen that in a looong while

You bite your lip and nod, somewhat shy as you sit alone in front of the camera. “Seungcheol’s still… setting up but he told me to start! I’m a little nervous, to be honest…” Your eyes flit to Seungcheol who rummages through the box in the kitchen and from the angle you’re sat in, you can’t see a single thing he takes out.

Earlier, he’d cooked you your favorite meal and even took the time to give you a full body massage before the two of you cuddled on the sofa and watched a movie. To you, it seemed a little too suspiciously tame and you only found yourself more nervous when he made you drink two glasses of water and ever so quietly announced it was time to start getting ready for the camshow.

“He’s being so suspicious! He was even gone for a few hours earlier today…” You mumble; brows furrowed at the camera before checking the comments.

It still amazed you every time with how much money you and Seungcheol made from the camshows and videos and it made you feel even better knowing that everyone loved the chemistry the two of you had together. There were a lot of video requests and ideas mixed in with the comments at any given time and you were definitely ready to pitch some to Seungcheol now that you’d rebranded your channel to be a couple’s channel instead.

“Almost done, sweetheart!”

gc__koo: he told me to watch cuz he was being suspicious with me too 

gc__koo has donated $50

alphagyu97: what is he even plotting

alphagyu97: i am excited to see the sybian again tho ngl

artist8hao: pretty baby gonna squirt for us again?

universe_WZ: hell fuckin yea let us see how fuckin wrecked you get on that machine

You feel your pussy clench around emptiness at their comments; already feeling yourself getting wetter and wetter with the anticipation.

Movement out of the corner of your eye catches your attention and Seungcheol walks towards the bed with a wide smile and the same box in hand. “Ready?” You can only nod back slowly, watching as he dumps the contents of the box right next to your body.

gc__koo: oy

chwenon: oh shit

sleepy_wonu: oh baby, you’re in for it now

sleepy_wonu has donated $100

Your entire body fills with warmth as you look over the various objects; unsure of where to really look first. “I, um--”

A stack of red ropes sits next to a small bullet vibrator that sits next to a ball gag that sits next to a pair of EMT shears and your eyes immediately flit up to Seungcheol who only smirks back at your shocked expression. “I had some other toys I wanted to use but I figured I should go easy on you, y’know? Since you showed me some mercy last night.”

Nodding, you reach out towards the ropes, touching them shyly. “Why red?”

“Thought they’d be on theme for you, babygirl.”

Seungcheol takes his time; remembering Jimin’s words when he tugs the ropes around your wrists.

“Colour, babygirl?”

“G-green… daddy…”

He nods, sitting up on his knees behind you as you sit on the sybian and face the camera. You bite your lip, somewhat embarrassed that you were already soaking the toy underneath you as Seungcheol worked to bind your arms behind you.

“D--daddy, where did you l-learn this?” You whisper, somewhat curious if this had anything to do with why he was gone for so long earlier in the day.

“Mm, daddy’s friend Jimin was kind enough to help me get the tools and teach me a few tricks to make sure I kept my babygirl safe. Wasn’t that kind of him?” You nod gently, gulping when you shift atop the machine slightly in hopes of relieving some of the growing sexual tension in your body. “Why don’t you thank him properly, sweetheart?”

Your hazy eyes make eye contact with the camera, head tilted slightly. “T-thank you, J-Jimin… for--for helping daddy…”

j__min: omg a shoutout ive made it

kitty_junjun: we never thought we’d see the day

tangerine_kwan: and here we all thought you were gonna be the bad guy huh

hoshi_tiger_xx: like when u only see previews of the book online but the rest of it is different ykwim

Seungcheol makes sure your arms are bound snug enough but not too tight; leaning away slightly to admire his rope work. “Feeling okay so far, babygirl?”

Nodding, you whine back slightly. “Y-yes, daddy… But… my--my pussy wants s-something…” He laughs in return, readjusting so that he’s sitting on your side this time to give himself easier access to start the rest of the bindings.

“Is that so? You’re gonna have to be a little more patient this time ‘cause daddy’s not done yet.” He starts working on the rest of the harness; going slow and checking in with you often to make sure none of the ropes were digging into your skin or making you uncomfortable. “You’ll have to forgive me a little though, I’m admittedly a ‘lil inexperienced so our pretty babygirl is only going to be tied up in this pretty harness for tonight.”

gentleman_josh95: the fact u even took the time to learn just for her

gentleman_josh95 has donated $100

artist8hao: seriously, the dedication

kitty_junjun: we stan a man who knows safety and etiquette 

Comments of reassurance and donations flood in at Seungcheol’s small apology and although the two of you are in your own world; you can tell from just the amount of pings coming from your laptop that they all seemed to be encouraging him.

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence as Seungcheol continues to move around you on the bed to finish the harness and a smile graces his lips when he starts to secure the last knots in the back. He can’t help but mentally pat himself on the back at how neatly he’d done it for his first time.

“There. All done, baby.”

Your eyes flit to the laptop’s screen to see yourself; cheeks hot when you see how fucked out you already look and he hadn’t even touched you properly or turned on the machine.

The star harness Seungcheol had tied looks pretty with red ropes and you can’t hide your smile at how good it looks on you too either. “Ah, daddy made it really p-pretty… Thank you.”

This time, Seungcheol nods, letting you admire yourself as he silently reaches for the small remote for the sybian, switching it on.

Your entire body lurches forward as soon as the vibrations attack your clit and you immediately find yourself moaning and grinding down onto the machine as he gives you some relief.  

“You’re welcome, babygirl. Now let’s really have some fun, huh?”

You need to cum.

Badly.

“Awww, is my pretty baby drooling? Does it feel that good on your sensitive ‘lil clit?” He teases, smoothing down your hair as you cry around the ball gag in your mouth; drool seeping out from the side of your lips when he raises the vibrations a setting higher.

You don’t know how many times he’d played with the settings and edged you by now, but all you do know is that the urge to cum only grows stronger as you grind against the machine, soaking it with your wetness as you chase the pleasure building up in your body again.  

Surely cumming was okay, right? He never said you couldn’t.

You whimper around the ball gag, eyes fluttering shut when the tension in your body snaps in the blink of an eye and your thighs clamp down onto the sides of the machine. Throwing your head back, you moan against the gag and ride out your high as Seungcheol watches you from the side.

“Mm, bet that felt good, huh? But I know you want something in that greedy ‘lil cunt of yours, don’t you? You want daddy’s cock slamming into your tight ‘lil hole ‘til it’s full of my cum, right, sweetheart?” He licks his lips, turning off the sybian as you slump forward.

universe_WZ: shit shes so sensitive

chwenon: especially with her arms bound like that i bet she’s on cloud nine rn

gentleman_josh95: her cute lil head is probably all fuzzy already from all the sensations

therealchan99 has donated $100

gc__koo has donated $75

j__min has donated $150

All you can do is whimper and nod; teary eyes blinking back at Seungcheol as he smirks and leans in towards you.

“Mmm, you’ll get what you want eventually. But for now, you’re gonna cum again.”

He turns the sybian back on, licking his lips when he sees your body tensing again. It was always easier to get you to cum a second time and his point is proven when you mewl around the ball gag a few minutes later; chest heaving in stuttered breaths as you try to shy away from the toy still vibrating against your overly sensitive clit when you’re quickly thrown into another orgasm.

“You always cum for daddy so easily, don’t you, babygirl?”

Your head feels fuzzy after already cumming twice in such a short span of time but you nod, head lolling to the side as Seungcheol finally turns the sybian off for good.

Seungcheol gives you a second to catch your breath before he’s scooting in and fiddling with the clasps at the back of your head to take the ball gag off.

A thread of saliva connects your lips to the gag and you whimper at how good it feels to be able to actually speak again. “D-daddy…” Drool drips from your mouth as your lead lolls forward and Seungcheol is quick to bring a hand up to keep your head up as he looks into your lust filled eyes.

“Colour, sweetheart?”

“Still g-green…” He nods back, checking to make sure none of the ropes had shifted. “Would you like some water before we continue, baby?”

“Yes, daddy…”

He fetches you a glass of water, tilting it against your lips as you down the entire glass and you find yourself a little surprised at how needed it was. “Thank you, d-daddy…”

“You’re welcome, babygirl. Ready to keep going?”

You nod, a little bit more energized. “I hope everyone, mmh, l-likes the show so f-far~” Your teary vision prevents you from reading the comments and before you can even make an effort to, Seungcheol is already helping you off of the machine and helping you sit on the bed across from him.

alphagyu97: ugh she looks so fucking good in that harness

angelhan: right? That shade of red looks so good against her skin too

angelhan: so fuckin pretty

tangerine_kwan: pics for the private room later? Plz i beg

Seungcheol takes this time to take off his boxer briefs, cock curving up against his abdomen when he’s fully naked across from you. He wraps a hand around his cock, moaning and spreading the precum down his shaft as you watch. “D’you want this, baby?”

Your lips fall open in a silent moan as you watch Seungcheol jerk himself off and you can’t help but squirm. “Y-yes…”

“Tell me exactly what you want then. Let them hear what a filthy little slut you are for me.” You can’t help but feel miserably empty watching him and despite having already cum twice, you want his cock fucking you open and making you cum again.

“I--I--”

“Yes, babygirl?”

“I, ngh, I want d-daddy’s cock… Please? Ah, I--I wanna feel you fucking my--my pussy into the, mmh, s-shape of your c-cock… And I w-want you to c-cum inside my--my slutty little h-hole…”

Seungcheol scoffs, hips shallowly thrusting up into his enclosed fist. “That’s right. You’re just my slutty ‘lil babygirl that lets me use all her tight holes how I please, right? You like it when I cum down your throat and in your pretty ‘lil ass. But we all know you like it best when I cum in your hot ‘lil cunt. Makes you feel all warm and full, doesn’t it? You like it when my cum is dripping out of your spent cunt and sliding down your shaky thighs.” This time you nod furiously as you whine back in response.

“P-please… Can’t wait any--anymore!”

This time, the impatience takes over as you slightly tug on the ropes; whining when they don’t give. “Daddy!”

And this time, he gives in quicker than he anticipates, growling as he reaches for the EMT shears to cut you from the harness. “Don’t let your arms down, no matter how much you want to. You’re going to strain your arms if you move too fast so let me handle it, okay, sweetheart?”

The sudden gentleness in his voice has a giddy warmth pouring over you as you nod and sit still while he cuts at various points of the harness to make the ropes fall loose around your arms and chest. You keep your arms in the same position like he requested and you soon feel his hands roaming your skin and massaging your arms to get the blood flowing again.

“You’re so good for me, baby.” He whispers against your hair, leaning down to kiss your shoulder before he slowly easing your arms down from being folded behind your back.

He continues to massage your arms for a few more minutes before it’s you that’s getting impatient. “Daddy… Can you fuck me now?” Whispering, you slightly turn your body to the side to meet his gentle stare.

Seungcheol laughs under his breath, nodding. “Lay on your back for me, legs spread.”

You follow his orders as you quickly scramble to get into position; legs spread wide for him to situate himself between.

“Mm, your pussy is still so fuckin’ wet. I wanna taste you on my tongue, baby.” Whines spill from your lips as you shake your head ‘no.’

“No! My p-pussy feels empty, I need y-your cock, daddy… ‘n I’m so wet, you can probably, ah, just s-slide your cock in…”

He wraps a hand around his cock just as you wrap your legs around his waist and he guides himself until the head of his cock is right at your entrance.

Neither of you say a word as he slowly starts to sink his cock in; guttural moans on his lips when he meets no resistance and bottoms out in a singular thrust. “Holy fuck, your cunt is so fuckin’ wet. Shit, and so t-tight!” You clench around him, already feeling good with his cock inside of you as you beg him to fuck you hard and fast.

“Ngh, p-please fuck me like--like I’m your, hah, c-cocksleeve… I want it f-fast, daddy!”

He grits his teeth at your words; drawing his hips back before snapping them into you just how you wanted. “Fast, hmm? All you think about in that pretty head of yours is my cock pounding you open, huh? Slamming into you so fuckin’ good, it makes your toes curl when you cum.”

Seungcheol starts a quick pace, already feeling the pleasure building up for himself when you’re reduced to garbled noises and broken cries of his name. The heels of your feet dig into the small of his back as you try to press him in closer and he’s quick to reach for the small bullet vibrator left on the bed next to your body.

“Your body is so fuckin’ sensitive, I can already feel how tight you’re getting around me. So fuckin’ greedy to cum too. Already came twice and you still want more. You’re not satisfied until your whole body is shaking underneath me, huh, sweetheart?” He turns the small toy on, pressing it to your clit as you yelp and let out choked sobs.

“Ah, ngh, d-daddy, my--my clit’s t-too sen--sensitive! I--I can’t--!” Squirming, you feel the pressure building up obscenely quick; bottom lip quivering when he takes one of your free hands and makes you hold the toy to your swollen clit.

“Just a little more, sweetheart. Don’t you wanna cum?”

He angles his thrusts to graze against your g-spot and loud cries of his name leave your lips in a hurried, jumbled mess when he only doubles his pace.

The sound of donations and comments pour in like water and get lost within the ringing in your ears; unable to even warn Seungcheol that you’re about to cum when you feel your entire body starting to lock up underneath him.

Your lips part in a silent scream and your back bows off of the bed, thighs shaking uncontrollably as you cum for the third time. Seungcheol growls, fucking you through it as you squirt all over his lower half.  He finds it harder and harder to thrust into you as you cum, but he feels himself quickly following suit with your warm walls fluttering around his cock.

“Fuck, baby, that’s right. Squirt for me, get me fuckin’ soaked while you cum.” He uses a free hand to make sure you keep the toy pressed to your clit, growling when he starts to unload his cum inside of you. “Mmh, gonna fill your cunt up with what you want, baby.”

A shaky moan leaves your lips as you feel him throbbing inside your pussy; walls clamped down onto him in a vice grip as you ride out the remnants of your orgasm.

“Ah, d-daddy’s cumming suh--so much inside of my p-pussy…”

Whining, you feel Seungcheol’s grip on your hand give way as he rides out his pleasure and you take the opportunity to turn off the small bullet vibrator while he doesn’t notice.

You watch his face contort in pleasure, hips still shallowly thrusting into you as his entire body shivers above you.

“D-daddy’s so h-handsome...” You mumble, cheeks hot when he cracks a smile through the pleasure wracking his body and chuckles under his breath. 

“Thank you, babygirl.” 

After you end the show, Seungcheol makes sure to cuddle with you on the bed for a little while longer.

“One more glass of water, baby.” You whine in response, pouting up at him before he gets up from the soaked sheets. 

“But I already had a glass! If you have a piss kink just say so, ‘Cheol!”

He lets out a boisterous laugh at your comment, trudging back to the bed from the kitchen with another glass of water for you. “You need to be hydrated, sweetheart. You came three times and we played a little more rough today. I just wanna make sure you’re okay.” 

“Fine, but you didn’t deny my comment.” You snarkily reply, taking the glass from him as you down the water. 

“Don’t make me have to punish you again! I’ll have you know I still need to get you all washed up and change the bed--”

A faint pinging has the two of you turning to the laptop; still on your camming homepage from where you’d checked the revenues from tonight’s show. 

A small [1] sits above your inbox and Seungcheol is quick to turn to you with an eyebrow raised. “I thought you turned off the messaging system on your profile?” 

You tilt your head in confusion, handing him the emptied glass. “I did. The only messages I should get are from, like, the actual system admins or other creator accounts which, I haven’t received any ‘til... now, I guess?”

Seungcheol sets the glass down onto the nightstand before he takes a seat next to you, dragging the laptop closer as you go to check the notification. 

“’Love&Letter Films’? Aren’t they one of the biggest adult film companies?” Mumbling, you click on the message, giving yourself and Seungcheol a second to process the message that stares back at you; a shocked smile on your lips.

‘Hello!

I hope this message finds Cherry and Seungcheol well. 

We, at ‘Love&Letter Films’, have really enjoyed the shows and videos from your channel throughout the years and we really have enjoyed watching the growth of your channel and the addition of Seungcheol to it. The dynamics between the two of you are rare in this industry and we’ve yet to see anyone like the two of you in this market. 

The shows from the last two nights have proven that the two of you have the right kind of chemistry to film together for bigger productions and we would love to hire you for a few film productions we have planned in the upcoming weeks as a feeler. Of course, all expenses paid by us if you would kindly take our offer. 

We love the various scenes and roles that the two of you take on with ease and we would love to help propel your careers forward, should you pursue a career in the adult entertainment industry. 

Please don’t hesitate to contact me as I’ve listed my contact information below. I’m excited to hear from the two of you and hope to work with you in the future on many projects.

Respectfully, 

Kwon Soonyoung, L&L FILMS CEO’

[soft-angelic-kiss]

We’re all a little bit crazy (6)

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

therapsit! Izuku x Patient! Bakugou x Patient! Todoroki x Patient! Shinsou x Patient! Reader

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Chapter 6 trigger warnings- mentions of Tourette's (i don't think that’s an ACTUAL trigger but it couldn’t be hurt to mention) mentions of self harm (thinking they're indestructible.) And mentions of counting/taking pills + medications. 

I’m gonna need you guys to bare with me! I really don’t know what a mental hospital is like and so i tried my best with the information a friend gave me :) 

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5             «────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Walking through the dining hall, Izuku kept his head up and tried to remain tall and strong to the other patients when he heard a squeal and watched the tuff of h/c go up into the air. Immediately Izuku was on a high alert. As he sped up his pace the same as Bakugou, who immediately started yelling

“Gah dammit shitty hair! I don’t you to stay-”

The blonde's voice was easily cut off through the laughter of a red head, and another blonde. 

“Oh chill it Baku-” the blonde's head threw itself backwards as the end of his sentence  “gOU-” escaped his lips. The red head was immediately making sure he was okay, even with Y/N in his arms. Rubbing his neck and asking about cramps

Izuku smiled softly and watched them all interact, being able to tell that they were all best friends. He hummed as Y/N bounced her way over to him and hung on his arm with a smile “YOU CAME” they yelled in excitement making everyone smile softly. 

The red head was the first to make a move as he smiled to the greenette “Hey! I’m Ejirou Kirishima!” he smiled as he pounded his fist together mushing together already forming scars, and bruises against his knuckles. 

It caused Izuku to check out all of his other scars that littered his body, his hands and arms mostly, Y/N must’ve seen him looking Kirishima over and hummed softly whispering into his ear “he thinks he’s indestructible..” Izuku nodded in understanding

“I’m D-” his sentence once again was cut short by a scrunching of his shoulders and a yell of “ENK” before he returned to his previous stance and said “Denki Kaminari!” he smiled softly and waved. Izuku waved back, he decided he would look at their files later after he laid Y/N down for bed. 

“What’s dinner today?” Y/N looked to their friends as they ushered Izuku to the table that they sat at, the setting arrangement a little squishier than normal due to the extra body that was added, On one side Kirishima, Denki, and Shinsou sat together and on the other side sat Izuku, Y/N, Todoroki and Bakugou. 

Bakuou was the first to respond “they have beef stroganoff… and steamed carrots...” Y/N pouted and nodded “I’m not surprised Katsu..” 

The group let out a little disappointed groan collectively. The cafeteria wasn’t the MOST delightful place to have their dinner, but they didn’t have the choice, especially on beef stroganoff night. 

Izuku thought their food opinions were interesting as he let them all engage in conversation quietly observing each of them with a smile. They all looked so happy and content when they were together. 

Bakugou's attitude was calm, Shinsou was engaging in conversation. Shoto was speaking more than Izuku thought was possible for him, Denki’s tics, at least that’s what Izuku had deemed them to be, had calmed down and Kirishima wasn’t hitting anything at all. 

Each of them were so content with each other, he wondered why they were kept apart. Y/N finished her food and each of the boys told her that they were proud of her. Which made bright blushes rise across her whole body with a smile. 

Eventually their dishes were taken from them and they were all sent down to the nurses station for their nightly meds before they would be sent upstairs for the night, Izuku followed after the group seeing as they were ready for the nightly meds.

Checking the time and seeing it was 9:00 pm on the dot, he waited patiently for them to receive their meds and come back. He quietly heard the mutter from Y/N as they counted which meds were there, “..seroquel and gabitril.. For sleep.. And Abilify for depression.`` They took their meds and smiled at Izuku, motioning him to follow them as they bounded up the stairs.

Izuku hummed softly following them back up the stairs placing his clipboard on a bedside table as he watched them get ready for bed as he smiled softly, when Y/N finally laid down humming into their mountain of pillows, all doctors approved.

“Good night… thank you for hanging out with me..” Izuku smiled as your voice echoed quietly in the small room causing his heart to flutter with how soft and sleepy you sounded. 

“Of course. I hope you sleep well Y/N” he hummed softly as he exited the room hearing your snores. Shortly after his words slipped past his lips, he exited and saw all the other boys' doors were closed. Figuring they were asleep too. He headed down to the staff room to put away his clipboard when he remembered that he wanted to check on Kirishima’s and Kaminaris files. 

He slowly searched through the last names, conveniently the two names were placed right together making sure that he wouldn’t forget about the other. With a soft hum he pulled out Kirishima’s file first. 

   F I L E   26

(Patient Name) Ejirou Kirishima  (Patient #785)

 (Date admitted) 10-25-2015

 (Patient age) 22

 (Patient disorder) Psychosis, Congenital insensitivity to pain. 

(History/cause)  Patient has seemed to believe that he is indestructible. He walks into walls and punches glass things, often resulting in scars and bleeding around his body, his mother has stated that he’s done this since he was little but always assumed he would grow out of it. He never did.

(Has patient...)

-attempted suicide? 

-attempted homicide?

-attempted any act of self-harm? 

-attempted violence on past employees?

-attempted escape?

 (Other). He’s very affectionate to those around him but often tries to prove his manliness to those around him. He always smashes his fists together declaring the manliness/womanlyness of those around him. 

(Danger level) 7/10

Izuku let out a breath as he quietly looked at the file over one more time before placing it back. He felt sorry for the red head but it explained the scar littered on his body. It also explained why he was calling everything manly.

 F I L E   27

(Patient Name) Denki Kaminari  (Patient #786)

 (Date admitted) 4-20-12

 (Patient age) 21

 (Patient disorder) Tourette Syndrome, depression, anxiety

(History/cause)  Patient was diagnosed with Tourettes around 6 years old, but his parents have said he’s always displayed symptoms of it even from toddler age. He stuck his finger in an electrical socket when he was 7 and it caused the scars going up his arms. 

(Has patient...)

-attempted suicide? 

-attempted homicide?

-attempted any act of self-harm? 

-attempted violence on past employees?

-attempted escape?

 (Other). He’s very cheeking, loves telling jokes and is relativity an easy going guy, he rarely has attacks but when he does i advise all employees to watch out because he gets urges to touch electricity, and mess with electrical setups 

(Danger level) 5/10

Izuku carefully placed the file back into the cabinet as he let out a breath. No wonder they all saw something in each other. They all had such similar stories, even if they weren’t exactly the same they all found solace in each other.

Y/N was missing a mother, father and brother figure in her life, which is why she pursued a relationship with Todoroki, Bakugou and Kirishima. Who all gave off the vibes that the poor younger needed to thrive. 

Todoroki was missing his sister and brother, which is why he connected so well with Denki and Y/N, they both held similar qualities to the two he had lost.. 

 Bakugou needed stable, but fun people to help him realize what a calm world this really was.. And that’s why he bonded with Todoroki, Shinsou. Kirishima, Denki and Y/N. They were all as equally calm as they were cheeky, meaning they could help Bakugou with whatever problem was needed. 

Shinsou was missing his parents and his little baby sister, so while he still had the parents to bond with during visiting hours. He treated each of these people as if they were a little sibling to him.

Kaminari finally felt accepted because none of them batted an eye when his tics happened, and it made him feel like he finally had a family, and he was finally happy.. 

Kirishima felt protected. While he enjoyed feeling power and being manly.. Sometimes it was nice to feel protected. None of them ever questioned how manly he was.. So he felt at peace 

Nothing could separate them. Nothing at all, Izuku was sure of it. He placed everything back before he finally headed back up to his own room. Finishing his nightly routine as he thought of the group he’d met today as he started falling into dream land. «────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────» @buckyneedsplums @lazywriterfullofideas09 @notchittatenn @psycho-101  @toodarktoseethelight @unlogical-ella  if you’re crossed out that’s because it wouldn’t let me tag you :( «────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

a/n: HI GUESS WHO’S BACK FROM THE DEAD!! In a moment of clarity i finally decided to work on this chapter. It’s been hard for me but you know i finally did it! Like i stated earlier I've never been to a mental hospital so i don’t know what it’s like in there. I tried my best using the information  friend had given me. Thank you guys for sticking with the story for as long as you have! 

[justkending]

The Number One Rule. Chapter 20.

Summary: Y/N has always been seen as “Steve’s rambunctious sister.” However, she grew up, graduated, and moved to London to study abroad for 4 years and get her bachelor's degree. The girl that returns looks nothing like the teenager that left, but don’t worry the attitude is still there and stronger than ever. What’s to come of the two grown adults that used to push each other's buttons, but now have a lot more in common than they’ve ever realized.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Y/N Rogers (Steve’s little sister)

Word Count: 3000+

A/N: Ok this is the last full chapter I have written. I’ve begun on 21, but it’s only about halfway done. I’m hoping to have it done by the Saturday, but no promises... Please be patient with me as I have a rather busy schedule and want to give you the best chapters! I hope you all enjoy this one:)

Chapter Twenty:  

Another two weeks had passed, and today was move in day for Y/N into her new apartment. 

She had got a small little flat in Midtown Manhattan, so she was right in between her mom and Steve and Bucky’s house. Having not really time to get furniture and not really having the money for it just yet, she went ahead and got a furnished apartment, so moving in was easy with only bringing in her bedding, boxes of clothes, and decorations. 

The flat that she got was an open concept studio. The only walled rooms were the bathroom and a single closet at the entryway. Everything else was out in the open with no dividers. 

They had given her a bed, couch, dresser, coffee table, and the dining table was an island in the middle of the kitchen looking out to the living room. She went thrifting during some free time finding a bookshelf and end table for her bed to add to the space. 

Bucky and Steve had taken the weekend off to help her move in the heavy loaded things. Becca was coming later to help with some decorating to liven up the space. 

“Where’s this one going?” Steve asked maneuvering through the doorway. 

“They’re literally labeled, big guy,” Y/N shouted from the bathroom where she was organizing her toiletries. 

“Not this one, Miss. Sass,” Steve countered. 

“Just throw it by a wall somewhere then. I’ll get to it later,” she shouted back. 

Bucky came in shortly after with two smaller boxes topped on each other. 

“Ok, I think that’s it. At least in my car,” he noted, dropping them down in the kitchen.

“All clear in my truck,” Steve added with a huff as he brushed his hands off. 

Y/N came out from the bathroom with her hands on her hips and let out a loud breath. 

“Great. All that’s left is decorating and at least making my bed so I have a place to collapse once exhaustion hits me,” she smiled. “And according to the time,” she looked down at her watch, “that will be about 20 minutes.”

Bucky chuckled before moving over and wrapping an arm around her shoulder and squeezing her body into his side. Which she gladly used him as a wall to cave into. 

“Yeah, 4 hours of moving things from mom’s to here was my workout for the day,” Steve laughed. “Now, I was promised dinner and a drink for my payment of heavy lifting, if I remember correctly.”

Y/N rolled her eyes at her brother who batted his long eyelashes at her waiting for her answer. 

“Fine, I’ll call in for pizza. Anyone know a good spot around here?” she asked breaking away from Bucky for just a quick second to grab her phone before rushing back to hold onto him once again. The quick movement made Bucky laugh at how needy she was being for his touch. 

He wasn’t complaining though. Now that Steve knew about them, the simple touches (they were being nice and not being as touchy as they’d like for Steve’s comfort. He was still getting used to it) meant all the world now they can embrace it instead of hide it. 

“There’s Angelo’s and Joe’s. Both mouth watering New York Pies,” Bucky answered, as he wrapped his other arm around her holding her into his side more. She snuggled into his chest as she typed away on her phone for the menus.

“Any preference, Stevie?” she asked. 

“I’m feeling Joe’s. While you order that, I’ll go to the corner store for some beers. Want anything specific?” he asked standing up rolling back his shoulders in a stretch before grabbing his keys. 

“You know the answer to that,” she said, sending a raised eyebrow from behind Bucky’s arm. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll get the Rose,” he waved off moving to the door. “Buck? Anything special.”

“I’m good with whatever.”

“ ‘kay. Be back in a minute.”

Steve walked out the door and instantly Y/N fell back onto her bed with a bounce. 

“You’re really that tired?” Bucky laughed looking at her stilled self. 

“I’ve been packing way before you guys got there to put everything in your cars,” she answered with her eyes closed. 

“Did you sleep last night?” When he didn’t get a response and she just moved her arm over her eyes, he knew the answer. “You waited until the last minute to pack everything up, didn’t you?”

“Not everything… Just my entire bedroom…” she said, peeking an eye out with a small smile. 

Bucky chuckled before falling down next to her. Both of them looked up to stare up at the high exposed ceilings. 

“I did my bathroom the day before,” she noted. 

“What else do you have left to do to make this feel like your home?” he asked, turning his head to her. 

“Eh, I’ll go thrifting with Becca tomorrow probably and find decorations here and there. But considering this place is maybe just two of my bedrooms at mom’s house, I won’t need much,” she shrugged looking at him. “Definitely need to get a plant or two… Or five.”

Bucky shook his head with a grin before moving to envelope her again and pull her into his chest. 

“I feel like everytime I’m going to come over, you’re going to have a new plant.”

“Well…”

“Am I wrong?” 

“No.” 

“You’re a dork,” he laughed, kissing the crown of her head.

“Hey! Plants purify your air and bring joy to my heart. It’s scientifically proven,” she pouted, pulling away enough to see his face. 

“I didn’t know you were part of a science experiment,” he played on. “Would make sense for a lot of things…”

“You little-,” she shoved him away before jumping off the bed and moving to the kitchen. 

“Hey, I’m kidding. I’m kidding,” he laughed slowly chasing after her. “To an extent.”

“Don’t talk to me,” she huffed, going back to her phone to order the pizza. The little pout of her bottom lip just made her all the more cute instead of intimidating though. 

He rolled his eyes as he moved to stand behind her trapping her in her position by the island. His arms holding the counter top on both sides of her body.

“That won’t last long…” he whispered in her ear in just the right voice to make her shiver. 

But she didn’t give in, no matter how bad she wanted to. Two can play this little game. She hit the call button and turned around looking at him. 

Just as she opened her mouth to talk, making it a show and making him think she was about to say something to him, she brought her phone to her ear and answered.

“Hi, I was wanting to place a delivery order,” she said fluttering her eyelashes at Bucky before ducking under his arms and walking away. “Yes, I’m going to do a large pepperoni and a large margarita pizza.” She continued as she aimlessly walked around the flat. 

Bucky shook his head watching her. Before he had the chance to do anything further… Becca came in with a loud huff. 

“Good God. Y/N, you have a hot neighbor!” she shouted and the two turned to her. Bucky with furrowed eyebrows and Y/N with a look showing she was on the phone. “Oop, sorry,” she shrugged with a whisper as she walked to Bucky with a brown paper bag. 

“Hot neighbor?” Bucky asked. 

“Yeah, right next door. I might have to hop on that…” she winked as she started emptying the bag. Random little snacks and bags of candies, probably for their girls night they planned for later that evening. 

“I thought you were dating someone,” Bucky questioned as he grabbed a bag of swedish fish. Becca quickly smacked his hand and sent a warning look. 

“Keep up, Bucky. We stopped dating like a month ago,” she shook her head. 

“Wait, what was his name again? Scotty? Sco-”

“Scott. And yes. We had almost completely different schedules, so it just wasn’t working. Eh, I’m not worried about it. He was a good lay, but I’ll live,” she tilted her head grabbing a bottle of wine and moving to put it up in the fridge. 

“Oh, God. Please don’t tell me about guys you’re sleeping with. I don’t want to hear that,” Bucky squirmed. 

“You’re a child,” she shook her head before turning to Y/N who was walking to the opposite side of the island. “Who was on the phone?”

“Joe. I was ordering some pizza,” she answered. “Sweet guy actually. But what were you talking about when you came in?”

“Oh!” she shouted excited. “You have a hot neighbor!”

“Is that so?” she raised her eyebrows before moving to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. 

“Does that spark an interest in you Y/N/N?” Bucky asked, turning and looking at her with surprise. 

“I’m not talking to you, remember?” she pointed. 

“You just did,” he tilted his head with a sassy smirk. 

Instead of answering, she stuck out her tongue and turned back to Becca. “Elaborate.”

“310D, right to the left of you,” Becca noted. “Longer blonde hair and those damn arms that look like if you wrapped a ribbon around them, it would take a single flex to pop it.”

“Catch a name?” she asked with a laugh. 

“You do realize we’re dating right?” Bucky asked, crossing his arms. 

“No, I didn’t catch it. I was just looking at him before he went into his apartment. I don’t think he even saw me,” Beck continued ignoring her brother. 

“Interesting. You’ll have to figure it out,” she added, taking a swig of water. “Wouldn’t hurt to know the neighbors name.”

“Um, hello…”

“Oh, say less. Don’t have to tell me twice to interact with a perfect specimen of a man,” Becca laughed.

“I feel like I’m invisible,” Bucky mumbled, watching the two start to giggle about whatever telepathic thing they were talking about. 

_________

Steve came back soon after with the drinks, and not even 10 minutes after him, the pizza was delivered. 

They all sat around eating and talking with the limited furniture after Bucky set up the TV, along with Steve yelling at him that it was HDMI 4 not 2. That was a whole fight in itself. 

Steve eventually left around six and Bucky was leaving soon after so the girls could have their first girl night in Y/N’s new apartment. 

That was until Bekah let out a long groan. 

“What?” Y/N asked leaning over for an M&M on the coffee table. 

“One of my classmates just texted me asking about something for an essay I completely forgot I had due. My professor has it due at 8am tomorrow like the crazy person she is,” she sighed, looking at her phone before looking at the couple on the couch she was facing on the floor. “What kind of insane person doesn’t do the midnight deadline? This professor is going to be the death of me.”

“How much of it do you have done?” Bucky asked. 

“That’s the thing,” she said with a wrinkle of her nose. “I completely forgot about it until this text…”

“You haven’t started?” Y/N chuckled, but you could tell she was worried for her friend. 

“No…” Becca replied. “I may or may not have been putting it off and happened to forget it entirely.”

“Let me guess, it’s practically 30% of your grade for the semester?” Y/N said with a raised eyebrow. 

“You know me so well…” she replied with a pathetic smile. “I’m going to have to bail on girls night tonight. Please don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Beck,” Y/N shook her head. “I get it. I just recently got out of that world, so I know how it goes.”

Bucky watched as the two interacted and laughed at his sister like the annoying big brother he was. 

“Go before you fail the class. We can always reschedule,” Y/N waved off. 

“You sure?”

“Positive. Now go. Every second counts,” she said, standing with Becca as they moved to the door. “Stop by the coffee shop on the way out. Espresso is your friend tonight.”

“Yes ma’am,” Becca saluted as she grabbed her things and stepped out of the apartment. “Oh, and next time I come, I’ll make sure to get hot neighbors name,” she added with a wink. 

“That’s your next homework assignment.”

“Oh, that’s one I won’t be putting off.”

After a head shake to her friend, Becca rushed out of the building off to her own place. Y/N shut and locked the door behind her and walked back into the kitchen. 

“Does that mean we get to have a girls night?” Bucky asked with a smirk. 

“Ha Ha, very funny,” she laughed before falling onto the couch and laying her head in his lap looking straight up at him. “But yeah. I’d like some company first night here. It’s a big emptyish kind of space.”

“Don’t have to ask me twice, doll,” he smiled as he started stroking her hair gently. 

“Oh, hey! I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something,” she noted, readjusting in her spot to see him better. 

“Should I be worried?” he asked is a teasing manner. 

“No,” she chuckled before grabbing his hand and starting her pattern tracing that he learned she loved to do. It was calming is what she had told him. “It’s about Steve.”

“What about Steve?” Bucky asked as he watched her finger tip glide across his palm in a gentle manner, sending shivers up his arm. She was able to do that everytime. 

“Well, you know my host family I talked about?” He hummed as his answer. “So Peggy was the daughter of the people I was staying with. She was about 4 years older than me and kinda turned into my mentor. Badass woman if I might add.”

“I remember you talking about her. From the stories you had, she seems like she can definitely hold her own,” he laughed. “What does she have to do with Steve?”

“I’m getting there, slowly…” she said, adding a dramatic tone to the conversation. Bucky rolled his eyes playfully as he went back to playing with her hair. “Peggy and I talked about her coming here and staying a while. A week or so. Maybe later. However, that was when we were living together and just mapping out times to meet up again. Now, she’s got a job opportunity here and was wanting to come and stay for a little to scope out if she wants it and is willing to make the move to New York possibly.”

“Sounds like a fun plan,” he nodded. “But I’m still waiting on the Steve part.”

“Patience, B. Patience,” she said squeezing his hand slightly. “It has to do with Steve because I think Peggy would be a great match for him.”

“You want to set up your brother?”

“Yes. And if there is anyone in the world that I can think of that can handle his hard head as well as challenge it, it’s Margaret Elizabeth Carter.”

“You know your brother hates when we set him up on dates,” Bucky made note of. “She better be something else if you think it’s going to work out.”

“Oh, Peggy is the definition of something else,” Y/N smirked still concentrated on the lines on his hand.

“Ok, so when is she coming to town?”

“Not sure yet. She’s still waiting to hear back from the agency that she was talking with on a good date for them both. I mean she can always come visit before that, but travel isn’t cheap, so it would be smarter for her to just come when she also has business to attend to.”

“Valid point.”

“So you think it’s a good idea? You wanna join my team to play matchmaker with Stevie?” she asked with that damn grin that got him every time. He just can’t seem to say no to it.

“As much as your brother hates these kinds of things, you seem pretty set on it. So I’m trusting you know what you’re doing,” he smiled, brushing a thumb on her cheek. 

“When do I not know what I’m doing?” she retorted gleefully. 

“Well, there was that one time at Coney Island that you,-” he started, just in an effort to push her buttons. 

“It was a rhetorical question that should not be answered. That is if you want to stay the night,” she said with an attempt of a threatening face. 

“It’s cute you think you have an intimidating stare,” he replied, now pinching her cheek where his thumb was. 

“I can be intimidating,” she sat up with a pout. 

“Sure you can, Y/N/N,” he nodded with a smug grin. “That face exudes intimidation.”

When she actually set in her deathly stare that Bucky had seen when she was upset, he took a step back from his teasing. 

“Ok, I’m kidding now. I know you can do it,” he said with a daunted face. The glower on her own features immediately dropped at getting the reaction from him she wanted and went back to her cute sweet innocent smile. “It’s kinda scary how easily you can flip that switch…”

“It’s a talent. What can I say?” she shrugged with a wink as she stood up and went to make popcorn. “So what movie are we watching tonight?”

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[butterflies-dragons]

SANSA STARK & TARGARYEN IMAGERY

A list of Targaryen Imagery around Sansa Stark in A Song of Ice and Fire

Fire and Blood

Black and Red

Silver and Purple

Dragon's Tail

Dragon Wings

Dragon Eggs

Dragon Skulls

Golden Dragons

Dragon Knights

Valyrian Steel

Dance of the Dragons

Maegor the Cruel

Baelor the Blessed

Aegon the Unworthy

Prince Aemon the Dragonknight

Aerys the Mad King

Rhaegar the ast dragon

Bonus: Fiery Hair

1. FIRE AND BLOOD

Sansa slid off her mare, but she was too slow. Arya swung with both hands. There was a loud crack as the wood split against the back of the prince's head, and then everything happened at once before Sansa's horrified eyes. Joffrey staggered and whirled around, roaring curses. Mycah ran for the trees as fast as his legs would take him. Arya swung at the prince again, but this time Joffrey caught the blow on Lion's Tooth and sent her broken stick flying from her hands. The back of his head was all bloody and his eyes were on fire.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa I

The point of Ser Gregor's lance had snapped off in his neck, and his life's blood flowed out in slow pulses, each weaker than the one before. His armor was shiny new; a bright streak of fire ran down his outstretched arm, as the steel caught the light. Then the sun went behind a cloud, and it was gone. His cloak was blue, the color of the sky on a clear summer's day, trimmed with a border of crescent moons, but as his blood seeped into it, the cloth darkened and the moons turned red, one by one.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa II

The blood orange had left a blotchy red stain on the silk. "I hate her!" she screamed. She balled up the dress and flung it into the cold hearth, on top of the ashes of last night's fire. When she saw that the stain had bled through onto her underskirt, she began to sob despite herself. She ripped off the rest of her clothes wildly, threw herself into bed, and cried herself back to sleep.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa III

When the king's herald moved forward, Sansa realized the moment was almost at hand. She smoothed down the cloth of her skirt nervously. She was dressed in mourning, as a sign of respect for the dead king, but she had taken special care to make herself beautiful. Her gown was the ivory silk that the queen had given her, the one Arya had ruined, but she'd had them dye it black and you couldn't see the stain at all. She had fretted over her jewelry for hours and finally decided upon the elegant simplicity of a plain silver chain.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa V

Then she realized that the blood had soaked through the sheet into the featherbed, so she bundled that up as well, but it was big and cumbersome, hard to move. Sansa could get only half of it into the fire. She was on her knees, struggling to shove the mattress into the flames as thick grey smoke eddied around her and filled the room, when the door burst open and she heard her maid gasp.

—A Clash of Kings - Sansa IV

When she crawled out of bed, long moments later, she was alone. She found his cloak on the floor, twisted up tight, the white wool stained by blood and fire.

—A Clash of Kings - Sansa VII

"The dwarf's wife did the murder with him," swore an archer in Lord Rowan's livery. "Afterward, she vanished from the hall in a puff of brimstone, and a ghostly direwolf was seen prowling the Red Keep, blood dripping from his jaws."

—A Storm of Swords - Jaime VII

As the boy's lips touched her own she found herself thinking of another kiss. She could still remember how it felt, when his cruel mouth pressed down on her own. He had come to Sansa in the darkness as green fire filled the sky. He took a song and a kiss, and left me nothing but a bloody cloak.

—A Feast for Crows - Alayne II

2. BLACK AND RED

The queen wore a high-collared black silk gown, with a hundred dark red rubies sewn into her bodice, covering her from neck to bosom. They were cut in the shape of teardrops, as if the queen were weeping blood.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa IV

Tyrion wore a doublet of black velvet covered with golden scrollwork, thigh-high boots that added three inches to his height, a chain of rubies and lions’ heads. But the gash across his face was raw and red, and his nose was a hideous scab. “You are very beautiful, Sansa,” he told her.

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa III

3. SILVER AND PURPLE

Sansa closed the shutters and turned sharply away from the window. "You look very lovely today, my lady," Ser Arys said.

"Thank you, ser." Knowing that Joffrey would require her to attend the tourney in his honor, Sansa had taken special care with her face and clothes. She wore a gown of pale purple silk and a moonstone hair net that had been a gift from Joffrey. The gown had long sleeves to hide the bruises on her arms. Those were Joffrey's gifts as well. When they told him that Robb had been proclaimed King in the North, his rage had been a fearsome thing, and he had sent Ser Boros to beat her.

—A Clash of Kings - Sansa I

"You've waited so long, be patient awhile longer. Here, I have something for you." Ser Dontos fumbled in his pouch and drew out a silvery spiderweb, dangling it between his thick fingers.

It was a hair net of fine-spun silver, the strands so thin and delicate the net seemed to weigh no more than a breath of air when Sansa took it in her fingers. Small gems were set wherever two strands crossed, so dark they drank the moonlight. "What stones are these?"

"Black amethysts from Asshai. The rarest kind, a deep true purple by daylight."

—A Clash of Kings - Sansa VIII

Sansa wore a gown of silvery satin trimmed in vair, with dagged sleeves that almost touched the floor, lined in soft purple felt. Shae had arranged her hair artfully in a delicate silver net winking with dark purple gemstones. Tyrion had never seen her look more lovely, yet she wore sorrow on those long satin sleeves. "Lady Sansa," he told her, "you shall be the most beautiful woman in the hall tonight."

—A Storm of Swords - Tyrion VIII

4. DRAGON WINGS

Tyrion scarce touched his food, Sansa noticed, though he drank several cups of the wine. For herself, she tried a little of the Dornish eggs, but the peppers burned her mouth. Otherwise she only nibbled at the fruit and fish and honeycakes. Every time Joffrey looked at her, her tummy got so fluttery that she felt as though she'd swallowed a bat.

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa IV

"What wife?"

"I forgot, you've been hiding under a rock. The northern girl. Winterfell's daughter. We heard she killed the king with a spell, and afterward changed into a wolf with big leather wings like a bat, and flew out a tower window. But she left the dwarf behind and Cersei means to have his head."

—A Storm of Swords - Arya XIII

5. DRAGON EGGS

Butterbumps arrived before the food, dressed in a jester’s suit of green and yellow feathers with a floppy coxcomb. An immense round fat man, as big as three Moon Boys, he came cartwheeling into the hall, vaulted onto the table, and laid a gigantic egg right in front of Sansa. “Break it, my lady,” he commanded. When she did, a dozen yellow chicks escaped and began running in all directions. “Catch them!” Butterbumps exclaimed. Little Lady Bulwer snagged one and handed it to him, whereby he tilted back his head, popped it into his huge rubbery mouth, and seemed to swallow it whole. When he belched, tiny yellow feathers flew out his nose. Lady Bulwer began to wail in distress, but her tears turned into a sudden squeal of delight when the chick came squirming out of the sleeve of her gown and ran down her arm.

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa I

In the Queen's Ballroom they broke their fast on honeycakes baked with blackberries and nuts, gammon steaks, bacon, fingerfish crisped in breadcrumbs, autumn pears, and a Dornish dish of onions, cheese, and chopped eggs cooked up with fiery peppers.

[…] Tyrion scarce touched his food, Sansa noticed, though he drank several cups of the wine. For herself, she tried a little of the Dornish eggs, but the peppers burned her mouth.

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa IV

6. DRAGON’S TAIL

The morning of King Joffrey's name day dawned bright and windy, with the long tail of the great comet visible through the high scuttling clouds. Sansa was watching it from her tower window when Ser Arys Oakheart arrived to escort her down to the tourney grounds. "What do you think it means?" she asked him.

"Glory to your betrothed," Ser Arys answered at once. "See how it flames across the sky today on His Grace's name day, as if the gods themselves had raised a banner in his honor. The smallfolk have named it King Joffrey's Comet."

Doubtless that was what they told Joffrey; Sansa was not so sure. "I've heard servants calling it the Dragon's Tail."

"King Joffrey sits where Aegon the Dragon once sat, in the castle built by his son," Ser Arys said. "He is the dragon's heir—and crimson is the color of House Lannister, another sign. This comet is sent to herald Joffrey's ascent to the throne, I have no doubt. It means that he will triumph over his enemies."

Is it true? she wondered. Would the gods be so cruel? Her mother was one of Joffrey's enemies now, her brother Robb another. Her father had died by the king's command. Must Robb and her lady mother die next? The comet was red, but Joffrey was Baratheon as much as Lannister, and their sigil was a black stag on a golden field. Shouldn't the gods have sent Joff a golden comet?

—A Clash of Kings - Sansa I

7. DRAGON SKULLS

Within, the dragon skulls were waiting, and so was Shae. “I thought m’lord had forgotten me.” Her dress was draped over a black tooth near as tall as she was, and she stood within the dragon’s jaws, nude. Balerion, he thought. Or was it Vhagar? One dragon skull looked much like another.

[...] After, as they lay entwined amongst the dragon skulls, he rested his head against her, inhaling the smooth clean smell of her hair. “We should go back,” he said reluctantly. “It must be near dawn. Sansa will be waking.

[...] The Others can take my guilt, he thought as he slipped his tunic over his head. Why should I be guilty? My wife wants no part of me, and most especially not the part that seems to want her. Perhaps he ought to tell her about Shae. It was not as though he was the first man ever to keep a concubine. Sansa’s own oh-so-honorable father had given her a bastard brother. For all he knew, his wife might be thrilled to learn that he was fucking Shae, so long as it spared her his unwelcome touch.

—A Storm of Swords - Tyrion VII

8. GOLDEN DRAGONS

"The queen raised her voice. "A hundred golden dragons to the man who brings me its skin!”

“A costly pelt,” Robert grumbled. “I want no part of this, woman. You can damn well buy your furs with Lannister gold.”

[...] Shortly, Jory brought him Ice.

When it was over, he said, “Choose four men and have them take the body north. Bury her at Winterfell.”

“All that way?” Jory said, astonished.

“All that way,” Ned affirmed. “The Lannister woman shall never have this skin.”

—A Game of Thrones - Eddard III

"Petyr Baelish put a hand on the rail. "But first you’ll want your payment. Ten thousand dragons, was it?”

“Ten thousand.” Dontos rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand. “As you promised, my lord.”

[...] “But he saved me.”

“He sold you for a promise of ten thousand dragons.

[...]“Sansa felt sick. "He said he was my Florian.”

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa V

“Your sister’s had no difficulty finding witnesses to your guilt.” Ser Kevan rolled up the parchment. “Ser Addam has men hunting for your wife. Varys has offered a hundred stags for word of her whereabouts, and a hundred dragons for the girl herself. If the girl can be found she will be found, and I shall bring her to you. I see no harm in husband and wife sharing the same cell and giving comfort to one another.”

—A Storm of Swords - Tyrion IX

Someplace no stag ever found … though a dragon might.

—A Feast for Crows - Brienne III

"A good melee is all a hedge knight can hope for, unless he stumbles on a bag of dragons. And that's not likely, is it?"

—The Winds of Winter - Alayne I

9. DRAGON KNIGHTS

She shouted for Ser Dontos, for her brothers, for her dead father and her dead wolf, for gallant Ser Loras who had given her a red rose once, but none of them came. She called for the heroes from the songs, for Florian and Ser Ryam Redwyne and Prince Aemon the Dragonknight, but no one heard.

—A Clash of Kings - Sansa IV

"True knights would never harm women and children." The words rang hollow in her ears even as she said them.

"True knights." The queen seemed to find that wonderfully amusing. "No doubt you're right. So why don't you just eat your broth like a good girl and wait for Symeon Star-Eyes and Prince Aemon the Dragonknight to come rescue you, sweetling. I'm sure it won't be very long now."

—A Clash of Kings - Sansa V

They continued down the serpentine and across a small sunken courtyard. Ser Dontos shoved open a heavy door and lit a taper. They were inside a long gallery. Along the walls stood empty suits of armor, dark and dusty, their helms crested with rows of scales that continued down their backs. As they hurried past, the taper's light made the shadows of each scale stretch and twist. The hollow knights are turning into dragons, she thought.

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa V

10. VALYRIAN STEEL

Lord Tywin waited until last to present the king with his own gift: a longsword. Its scabbard was made of cherrywood, gold, and oiled red leather, studded with golden lions' heads. The lions had ruby eyes, she saw. The ballroom fell silent as Joffrey unsheathed the blade and thrust the sword above his head. Red and black ripples in the steel shimmered in the morning light.

[…] "A great sword must have a great name, my lords! What shall I call it?"

[…] The guests were shouting out names for the new blade. Joff dismissed a dozen before he heard one he liked. "Widow's Wail!" he cried.

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa IV

But she had another longsword hidden in her bedroll. She sat on the bed and took it out. Gold glimmered yellow in the candlelight and rubies smoldered red. When she slid Oathkeeper from the ornate scabbard, Brienne's breath caught in her throat. Black and red the ripples ran, deep within the steel. Valyrian steel, spell-forged. It was a sword fit for a hero. When she was small, her nurse had filled her ears with tales of valor, regaling her with the noble exploits of Ser Galladon of Morne, Florian the Fool, Prince Aemon the Dragonknight, and other champions. Each man bore a famous sword, and surely Oathkeeper belonged in their company, even if she herself did not. "You'll be defending Ned Stark's daughter with Ned Stark's own steel," Jaime had promised.

—A Feast for Crows - Brienne I

11. DANCE OF THE DRAGONS

Later, while Sansa was off listening to a troupe of singers perform the complex round of interwoven ballads called the "Dance of the Dragons," Ned inspected the bruise himself. "I hope Forel is not being too hard on you," he said.

—A Game of Thrones - Eddard VII

He sang of the Dance of the Dragons, of fair Jonquil and her fool, of Jenny of Oldstones and the Prince of Dragonflies. He sang of betrayals, and murders most foul, of hanged men and bloody vengeance. He sang of grief and sadness.

—A Feast for Crows - Sansa I

12. MAEGOR THE CRUEL

The room where Sansa had been confined was at the top of the highest tower of Maegor's Holdfast.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa IV

In the tower room at the heart of Maegor's Holdfast, Sansa gave herself to the darkness.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa VI

13. BAELOR THE BLESSED

"Baelor starved himself to death, fasting," said Tyrion. "His uncle served him loyally as Hand, as he had served the Young Dragon before him. Viserys might only have reigned a year, but he ruled for fifteen, while Daeron warred and Baelor prayed." He made a sour face. "And if he did remove his nephew, can you blame him? Someone had to save the realm from Baelor's follies."

Sansa was shocked. "But Baelor the Blessed was a great king. He walked the Boneway barefoot to make peace with Dorne, and rescued the Dragonknight from a snakepit. The vipers refused to strike him because he was so pure and holy."

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa IV

14. AEGON THE UNWORTHY

Aegon the Unworthy had never harmed Queen Naerys, perhaps for fear of their brother the Dragonknight . . . but when another of his Kingsguard fell in love with one of his mistresses, the king had taken both their heads.

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa II

"A king can have other women. Whores. My father did. One of the Aegons did too. The third one, or the fourth. He had lots of whores and lots of bastards." As they whirled to the music, Joff gave her a moist kiss. "My uncle will bring you to my bed whenever I command it."

Sansa shook her head. "He won't."

"He will, or I'll have his head. That King Aegon, he had any woman he wanted, whether they were married or no."

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa III

15. PRINCE AEMON THE DRAGONKNIGHT

He took her by the arm and led her away from the wheelhouse, and Sansa's spirits took flight. A whole day with her prince! She gazed at Joffrey worshipfully. He was so gallant, she thought. The way he had rescued her from Ser Ilyn and the Hound, why, it was almost like the songs, like the time Serwyn of the Mirror Shield saved the Princess Daeryssa from the giants, or Prince Aemon the Dragonknight championing Queen Naerys's honor against evil Ser Morgil's slanders.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa I

"Father, I only just now remembered, I can't go away, I'm to marry Prince Joffrey." She tried to smile bravely for him. "I love him, Father, I truly truly do, I love him as much as Queen Naerys loved Prince Aemon the Dragonknight, as much as Jonquil loved Ser Florian. I want to be his queen and have his babies."

"Sweet one," her father said gently, "listen to me. When you're old enough, I will make you a match with a high lord who's worthy of you, someone brave and gentle and strong. This match with Joffrey was a terrible mistake. That boy is no Prince Aemon, you must believe me."

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa III

She pulled a chair close to the hearth, took down one of her favorite books, and lost herself in the stories of Florian and Jonquil, of Lady Shella and the Rainbow Knight, of valiant Prince Aemon and his doomed love for his brother's queen.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa IV

For those who remained, a singer was brought forth to fill the hall with the sweet music of the high harp. He sang of Jonquil and Florian, of Prince Aemon the Dragonknight and his love for his brother's queen, of Nymeria's ten thousand ships. They were beautiful songs, but terribly sad. Several of the women began to weep, and Sansa felt her own eyes growing moist.

—A Clash of Kings - Sansa VI

16. AERYS THE MAD KING

"Ser Ilyn has not been feeling talkative these past fourteen years," Lord Renly commented with a sly smile.

Joffrey gave his uncle a look of pure loathing, then took Sansa's hands in his own. "Aerys Targaryen had his tongue ripped out with hot pincers."

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa I

"The battleground is right up ahead, where the river bends. That was where my father killed Rhaegar Targaryen, you know. He smashed in his chest, crunch, right through the armor." Joffrey swung an imaginary warhammer to show her how it was done. "Then my uncle Jaime killed old Aerys, and my father was king."

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa I

"You can't talk to me that way. The king can do as he likes."

"Aerys Targaryen did as he liked. Has your mother ever told you what happened to him?"

Ser Boros Blount harrumphed. "No man threatens His Grace in the presence of the Kingsguard."

—A Clash of Kings - Sansa III

17. RHAEGAR THE LAST DRAGON

"The battleground is right up ahead, where the river bends. That was where my father killed Rhaegar Targaryen, you know. He smashed in his chest, crunch, right through the armor." Joffrey swung an imaginary warhammer to show her how it was done.

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa I

"My father told everyone my bedding had caught fire, and our maester gave me ointments. Ointments! Gregor got his ointments too. Four years later, they anointed him with the seven oils and he recited his knightly vows and Rhaegar Targaryen tapped him on the shoulder and said, 'Arise, Ser Gregor.'"

—A Game of Thrones - Sansa II

18. BONUS: FIERY HAIR

Robb and Sansa and Bran and even little Rickon all took after the Tullys, with easy smiles and fire in their hair.

—A Game of Thrones - Arya I

"You will be the most beautiful woman in the hall tonight, as lovely as your lady mother at your age. I cannot seat you on the dais, but you'll have a place of honor above the salt and underneath a wall sconce. The fire will be shining in your hair, so everyone will see how fair of face you are. Keep a good long spoon on hand to beat the squires off, sweetling. You will not want green boys underfoot when the knights come round to beg you for your favor."

—The Winds of Winter - Alayne I

[castieltrash1]

dangerous territory → clint b.

gif credit (x)

summary → clint stays behind during a mission, leaving you alone with him in the avengers building. seeing him sprawled out on the comfy lounge room couch gives you some naughty ideas -- only adding to the tension your relationship already has.

word count → 6.7k (literally wtf)

warnings → i ignore the entirety of iw/endgame except for clint’s makeover, extreme sexual tension, smut; switch!fem!reader, switch!clint, couch sex, oral (both recieving), fingering, slight overstimulation, dirty talk, praise

a/n → literally idk if i should be ashamed or not but im Horny 4 Hawkeye!!! oopsie !! also there are like .3 smut fics for him on here and im determined to fix that

---

Quiet was not a word you’d use to describe the Avengers Facility.

In fact, with Steve’s loud orders, Bruce’s lab explosions, and Sam’s boisterous laughter -- not to mention the never-ending petty arguments that managed to revert the Avengers to 11th graders in their first debate club -- it was the farthest thing from quiet.

But, now, with zero disagreements and zero distractions, you’d been able to enjoy the building all to yourself. Almost. Of course, the one time you got to avoid a mission, you ended up falling into an even worse situation.

You’d covered for Wanda last mission, and she’d insisted on paying you back for the newest one. It wasn’t high stakes by any means, but the work itself had countless components and everyone who was nearby -- or at least on the planet -- had been called in to fill some role.  

Everyone, of course, except you. And Clint.

Suddenly the idea of being stuck in the Quinjet with everyone’s post-mission moodiness sounded very appealing. You could feel a headache growing as you wandered around the kitchen, doing anything and everything in your power to avoid him. He was not supposed to be here. Hell, he didn’t even like stepping foot in the place unless the world was in immediate danger.

Of course, you weren’t the only one to notice his odd attitude. Natasha gave him a confused look when he mentioned staying behind, but decidedly hadn’t commented, almost like she’d already pieced together the reason for Clint’s actions. Knowing her, she probably had. But, even Wanda shot a glance that worried you -- though you seemed to be the only one to catch her squinted green gaze before it disappeared. You weren’t sure you wanted to know what she saw in his mind.

Sure, you had a couple of ideas as to why he would choose to isolate himself with you, but you tried to not let those thoughts consume you. The others wouldn’t be back till midday tomorrow -- if all went well -- and you were not about to spend the next 36 hours soaking your panties with stupid fantasies.

Unfortunately, even when ignoring Clint, your mind was still focused on him. When you passed by the gym or shooting range, antsy to get your daily work in, one quick thought of seeing Clint’s arms -- tensed as he loaded his bow, muscles straining and eyes focused on his target -- was enough to have you quickly walking in the opposite direction.

But, now, as you make your way into the lounge to relax, you can’t find it in yourself to care. You have just as much of a right as Clint does to walk around whenever and wherever you please. In all honesty, you feel even more entitled considering you’re the one actually living in the tower (at least most of the time.)

He’s exactly where you expect him to be -- he may be fast and quiet on his feet, but you’ve been keeping tabs on him, for your own sake.

It’s a bit odd seeing a book instead of a bow in his hands, but you’re not entirely sure you should be focused on how his fingers wrap around the thin pages, thumbing the corners so gently--

���Done avoiding me, are you?”

Well, shit.

His gaze remains on his book -- though the very few pages he’s turned assures you he’s not paying attention to whatever riveting story Tony has stocked his shelves with.

“What are you talking about?” you ask. There’s a moment of temptation to take a seat next to him on the couch, as close as possible. To feel his strong arms around you, smell the raw masculine cologne he always wears a bit too much of -- heavy on his neck and sharp jaw that you know your lips could curl around so perfectly if given the chance.

You swallow heavily and take a seat in the chair across from him, sinking into the expensive fabric.

“Tony picks good furniture, right?” Clint sighs, book closing without so much as a dog-ear mark as he leans back.

It’s silent for a second, and you’re entirely sure you’ve missed a part of the conversation during your mini black-out, but Clint doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest, waiting patiently for your answer. You consider it a small win and accept the change in topic with an awkward laugh.

“Yeah. Didn’t think price made such a big difference.” There’s a firmness to the chair that keeps you from sinking, and mentally, you consider if it’d be strong enough for other activities. “How much you wanna bet he spent on each of these chairs?” you question, genuinely curious. “I gotta guess at least two grand.”

Clint’s cool eyes glint playfully. “Three,” he challenges with a smirk that sends a shiver down your spine. “Though, you should really try this couch. Definitely my favorite thing here.”

There’s just a hint of suggestion in his tone -- the kind that you’d miss if you weren’t trained in reading people. It’s not unexpected, though. You’d have to be a fool to not recognize the exact same longing stares, the same lingering touches that Clint offers you. But, that’s what makes it all more intimidating. It’s an unspoken thing, and at this point, that’s what feels most convenient -- even if your lonely nights spent moaning his name are growing far too common for comfort.

Still, you can’t exactly ignore him, and his eyes follow you closely as you make your way to the couch, falling into the comfy cushions with a huff.

“Wow.” You laugh. “No wonder you’ve been spending so much time down here.”

Clint raises an eyebrow. “So you have been paying me some attention. Interesting.”

If he notices you shift as far to the other end of the couch as possible, he doesn’t mention it.

“Don’t take it personally, Barton,” you huff. “I’m used to keeping an eye on everyone around here.” It’s not entirely a lie, but he manages to see right through the half-truth regardless.

“So you avoid everyone, then?” There’s no hurt or misunderstanding in his voice, not even confusion. He knows what you’re doing, knows why you can’t bear to look him in the eyes for more than a few seconds.

“Still don’t know what you’re talking about,” you deflect, closing your eyes and letting your head fall back onto the couch.

He just chuckles, a low sound that makes your stomach clench unconsciously. You expect him to keep pressing you, work you up until you spill your guts, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t even say a word as you hear the rustling of paper and feel the couch move slightly as he shifts.

You turn your head towards him and open one eye, then both as they go wide. Clint has taken on a whole new level of comfortable, feet perched on the coffee table and one arm resting on the back of the couch while his free hand flips through the same first few pages as before.

In all honesty, you suddenly find yourself happy that Steve and Tony are gone -- otherwise they’d be scolding Clint for his manners, and most definitely not ogling his firm legs in those tight, black jeans.

You drag your gaze back up his body, stopping near the hem of his shirt, where his new position has allowed for the fabric to ride up his stomach. It’s just a sliver of skin but the image is enough to make your heart race. There’s a faint dip in the muscled hip line leading to his jeans, and if you stare extra hard, you can see the light trail of thin hairs disappearing under the fabric.

Swallowing heavily, you quickly look back at Clint’s face, holding back a gasp as he stares back at you.

“So,” you fill the silence before he can, mentally thanking Natasha for her training on keeping your composure. “How’s that book of yours?”

Clint just grins for a second -- you both know he’s caught you. “It’s alright. Not the most interesting thing in the building right now, though.”

You gulp. “Yeah… The place is big. Lots to explore. I don’t think I’ve even seen every room--”

“I have a feeling you know that’s not what I mean,” Clint cuts you off with a chuckle, and you send him a challenging glare.

“I don’t know what you mean,” you scoff.

He hums, before his tongue peeks out to swipe across his bottom lip. “You’re sounding awfully like a broken record today.” His icy, pale eyes return to his book, and you watch as he lifts his thumb to his wet lips, tongue darting out the lick the tip. You can practically feel the action, and almost whine in disappointment when his hand returns to flip the page.

Clint is downright grinning at this point, and you know he’s taking in every breath, shift, and blink of yours. “But, I know you’re not actually confused,” he continues. “In fact, I’d argue you like this game of ours a bit more than you should.”

You know if you brush it off again, he’ll drop it. He’s too nice to make you uncomfortable, and his statement hangs in the air with a heavy weight.

“You know, Barton?” you shift from your spot on the couch, eliminating a good chunk of the space between you and him. “I think you’re smarter than most people give you credit for.” He raises a brow, and you would believe his undisturbed look if you didn’t see his fingers twitch against the spine of the forgotten book.

“Tell Nat that,” he jokes, and you grin. Seeing that little crack in his facade, the way he fills the conversation with a joke, the discreet but heavy swallow he tries to hide -- it’s all enough to power you to move closer, until there are mere centimeters between you two.

“Hmmm, I don’t think I’ll be telling Natasha anything from this conversation of ours.” Keeping your attention on the slight tense of his jaw, you push the book from his hands, and he immediately drops his feet from the table to discard it in their place.

You pause for a second, glancing at Clint’s lap then back at him, and he doesn’t hesitate to reach out and grab your hip.

“Get over here already,” he groans, both arms wrapping around your waist to situate you in his lap. His hands are warm and firm and everything you could have ever imagined, and you automatically roll your hips down onto him. There’s a pleased moan from you both, and his own hips jolt in a way that sends you even closer to him, until your chests are touching.

He immediately dives for your neck, scruff tickling the sensitive skin as he breathes you in deeply. “I gotta admit,” he murmurs, letting his lips graze the bottom of your jaw in the most sinful way, “you look so much better sitting here than standing around in the kitchen.”

You drag your fingers through the long hair on the back of his head, tugging it playfully. “You’ve been watching me, Barton?”

He hums, squeezing you just as teasingly. “I do a lot of staring when it comes to you, babe.”

You pull him from your neck by his hair, and he looks up at you with the most mischievous glint in his eyes. The nickname makes you undeniably flustered, but you force the embarrassment away.

“I don’t know about you, but I think that’s what you call creepy,” you mumble, leaning down so Clint can feel your words against his own lips. He immediately darts forward, but you pull back with a sly grin, watching his eyes darken at the action.

“I think,” he growls, catching you off guard as he pushes you back onto the couch, making you jostle as you try not to fall off the edge. He steadies you with a large hand, and you only jolt again when he uses his free hand to spread your legs, caging you in as his hips drop between your parted thighs. “You’d be a hypocrite for saying that.” He drops back to your neck, and you can feel his smile before his teeth sink into your skin lightly -- just enough to make you gasp.

He continues to litter your neck with kisses, and you watch in awe as his toned arm tenses by the side of your head -- the thick black lines of ink rolling as his muscles flex.

“And what are you gonna do about it?” you taunt, back arching as his tongue darts out to lick a stripe up to right below your chin. “You gonna fuck me?”

Clint bites the edge of your jaw in retaliation to your words, before he pulls back just enough to stare at you with a lustful gaze.

“Not yet, baby. Not that easily.” One of his hands trails up the front of your thigh, before it busies itself with the hem of your shirt. You try to hide your disappointment, but Clint notices it, of course, and just shakes his head. “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on letting you leave this couch anytime soon. You’ve made me wait long enough for this… I’m gonna take my time with you.”

He finally presses his lips to yours, and you hungrily reach and tug until he’s as close as possible -- until you can feel the denim of his jeans scraping deliciously against your thighs as you tug his bottom lip between your teeth. It’s messy and entirely uncalculated, and your nails catch in the wrinkles of the back of his shirt while his own fingers tug impatiently at the bottom of yours.

You part from him for a second, and his own greedy mouth follows yours, only managing to press against the side of your lips. “You act like you’ve made this easy for me,” you retort, and his chest rumbles against yours as he chuckles.

“Oh honey, I think I’ve made it quite obvious I’ve wanted to fuck you since the day you walked in here.”

“Clearly, not obvious enough.”

Clint huffs, warm breath hitting your cheek. “What’d you want me to do? Huh?” He shifts so his words make their way directly to your ear, each syllable accentuated with a puff of hot air. With him this close, neck just below your nose, you can take in the heavy smell of that sharp cologne you love so much.

His calloused fingers dip beneath your shirt, but instead of the obvious trail up, his hand trails down to play with the hem of your shorts. “Tug these little things off in front of everyone? Show them all how worked up you get me wearing these? Is that what you want?”

Your hips lift in a silent plea, and you groan. “They’re comfortable.”

“Maybe for you, but I find myself very uncomfortable when you wear them.” He snickers, and if you weren’t so turned on, you’re sure you’d roll your eyes. Only Clint Barton could make a joke about untimely hard-ons during a time like this.

“Then why don’t you take them off?” you groan, and he shakes his head while muttering something about you being bossy.

Still, his words betray him as he tugs the fabric down your legs, as slowly as possible while his eyes drink in the new area of exposed skin. “What part about taking my time with you did you not understand?” The corner of his lips tug in that mischievous way of his, and you have a sneaking feeling his patience is as fleeting as your own.

Proving your point, Clint tosses your shorts over the back of the couch with a grin, then pushes you further up the cushions. You’re almost sitting, shoulder blades knocking the arm of the sofa while your legs bend at the knee to accompany Clint, who scoots back. It’s the perfect and most disastrous angle to be at as you have to both feel and watch his deft fingers trail up from your knee.

You’re a hundred percent sure the effects of your arousal are extremely obvious, but he doesn’t comment on the wet patch of your panties -- though you see his eyes focus on the area between your legs for a second too long before his gaze flickers back to your thighs.

His calloused fingers trail the edge of fabric around your legs, rough skin providing a type of friction you can’t begin to explain. His touch is fleeting and he changes the amount of pressure with every swipe of his thumb, always pushing just enough to let you know he’s holding you down. That you can’t escape him -- as if you’d even think of trying to do so.

“Your legs are so sexy, you know that?”

You let out some type of pleased whine, a sound that Clint relishes as he tightens his grip on your thighs. “Make the prettiest sounds, too,” he continues, and then his fingers are right there. One hand holds your left leg down, while the other covers your panty-covered core. His thumb rubs into your desperate, throbbing clit, and you use your little amount of freedom to push your hips up, wanting, needing more.

Clint immediately presses you back down, and you watch his tattoos shift just slightly as he adds more weight to his hand on your thigh.

“Please, please.” You revert to begging at your lack of movement, losing all shame in regard to your desire. It’s obvious you need Clint -- any excuses or lies from before long forgotten. You need his movements to speed up, the slow circles of his thumb providing barely enough friction.

He just chuckles, but relents a little and you downright purr as the thin fabric of your underwear drags against your tingling nerve endings. It’s impossible to move under Clint’s weight, but all the muscles in your lower half flex and twitch as they desperately search for release and relief.

“How about…” Clint trails off, fingers moving upward to grab the waistline of your panties, “we get these off?”

You’re sure if you nod any faster you might make yourself dizzy, and Clint just smirks in that knowing way. That way that lets you know he has you right where he wants you. Right where he’s been waiting to have you.

The article of clothing is soon flung behind his shoulder just like your forgotten shorts -- and you can only faintly remind yourself to make sure you grab everything before the others return. Though, at this point, you think anyone could walk in on Clint between your legs and you’d still be begging him to make you cum -- audience or not.

“Fucking Christ,” Clint groans, palms sliding between your thighs to spread them, giving him a full view of your glistening core. “I swear, you’re gonna kill me.” Seeing his flushed cheeks, mussed hair, and greedy fingers, you’re not sure you can reject that statement.

He removes his hands for just a second, but you don’t dare close your legs, and he has the audacity to wink. Before your mind can even process the action, though, he’s pulling his shirt off, arms crossing over his chest as they show off in their full glory. Hips, stomach, chest, arms -- they’re all exposed so quickly and your eyes drink in the features as fast as they can. Clint throws the shirt to the side -- you have a feeling he’s utilizing his perfect aim to create a clothing pile -- but you just stare at his shoulder, where the ink spreads to areas you’ve never had the chance to see before. The olive green accents contrast against his tanned skin, which has gained a light sheen from the sweat of his arousal.

As he leans back down, Ronin’s portrait stares you dead in the eyes -- quite literally. If you didn’t know the deeper meaning, you’re sure you could mistake the skull as a danger warning to the man pressing a kiss against the inside of your knee.

Short hairs chafe your legs as Clint makes himself comfortable, pressing his jaw against you. When his hot breath dances over your center you almost squeeze your thighs together, but he’s there to push them apart with a chuckle.

“No, no…” He pulls away barely, and you take in a deep breath to calm yourself. “You’re gonna give me what I want, ok?” His fingers are gentle, and so are his eyes when he glances up to you. He’s hopeful, pleading almost, but stays respectful. “If that’s ok, of course.”

You almost want to cry, because how could he think any differently, but you just nod. “Please Clint, touch me.”

He sends you a lopsided grin, and then he’s right there, pressing a kiss against your clit. The feeling is completely different from before, lips slick and soft unlike his rough thumb. All the air in your lungs leaves your body as you let out a sigh of relief, body finally relaxing as it gets the touch it needs.

You reach down and your nails scratch his scalp lightly before you grip his hair in a tight hold. He nuzzles against your hand and groans against you, and the feeling of control makes your blood run hot through your veins. One of the most powerful men on Earth is between your legs, sucking softly on your clit like it's the only thing he could ever want.

He traces circles on your thighs with his coarse fingers as he warms you up with gentle licks and the occasional curl of his lips around your most sensitive area. You let him have the satisfaction of your spread thighs, but you periodically tug on his tousled locks to remind him that he’s the one between your legs. It’s the perfect balance of dominance -- the type that makes your head spin and your eyes roll back into your head.

Clint presses another kiss to your clit before traveling lower and the intimacy of the action makes your skin flush. You can tell he’s not going to be holding back for much longer though, if the desperation of his descent is any indication. His fingers join his attack as he spreads your folds, tongue dragging the entirety of your core.

“So good, baby. So fucking good,” he mutters, mouth impatient as he covers as much skin as he can at once. It’s fast and downright dirty as he presses his tongue into you, eliciting a groan from your parted, panting lips. You’re dripping at this point, and he laps up the mix of saliva and arousal with a yearning thirst.

It’s all so overwhelming. His fingers are digging into your skin -- likely to leave faint marks -- and the scruff framing his jaw scrapes and leaves your skin burning, while the softer locks between your fingers are a comfort to steady you.

The heat building in your body is entirely unbelievable, and your back digs into the couch as you arch into Clint, desperate for all he’ll be willing to give you. You press him closer, and he moans at the power in your hands -- the control you have despite him hovering over you. It’s a mental trip for you both, your stomach and pelvic muscles clenching as they react to his generous, eager giving.

“God, Clint, gonna cum.” The words barely feel like they’re coming from your own body, jaw slack as you tremble in his hold. His index finger presses into you slowly, while his thumb replaces his tongue on your clit. The change of stimulation has you reeling, your grip on Clint loosening as you feel his warm words against you.

“Kinda the point, sweetheart.” Your eyes are squeezed shut, but you know Clint is smirking -- you can practically hear it in his voice.

His finger curls to press against your front wall, and he rubs it gently once, twice, before he lets the digit drag out, sinking in again even slower. The leisurely thrusts continue as his tongue returns to circle your clit, his cocky words from before silenced as he puts his mouth to work. Your breath grows heavier, heart rate increasing with every second. His middle finger joins the first with a steady push, and you clench desperately as they curl and press and rub and reduce you to nothing but putty.

You’re right there and Clint knows it -- somehow he knows it. His fingers move faster, harder, and his lips wrap around your clit with even greater determination. There’s a shift, fingertips grazing the perfect spot as he sucks desperately and it’s over. You’re crying out his name, thighs shaking and you clench and flutter around his never-ceasing fingers. There’s a moment where all senses leave you and all you can feel is Clint, and the spread of warmth between your legs. Your ears ring and your own moans become faint background sounds.

And then, you’re pulling his head back, his tongue still trying to work your sensitive clit. He fights your tug on his hair but you must be begging because he finally relents with a huff. You can hear his breathing, and you feel his shift as he leans back over you, fingers still working you through your high.

“Look at me,” he demands, and his free hand drags down your cheek. “C’mon, open your eyes.” He forcefully grabs your chin, and your eyes open too quickly for your mind to process. It’s all so bright and you have to blink away the splotches of color coating your vision. Clint takes up the entirety of your view, lips wet and eyes dark. “There you go, baby.” He’s grinning and panting and his fingers are still fucking moving.

You whimper and glance down -- as much as his grip on your jaw will allow -- and the view of his tattooed arm between your thighs, veins pulsing as he fingers you is imprinted in your mind permanently. It’s a never-ending high that goes on for a second too long before Clint finally, finally eases his fingers from you. They’re practically dripping with your release, and he wastes no time bringing them to his glossy mouth.

It’s hypnotic to watch as his lips close around his fingers, nostrils flaring as he sucks them eagerly. They come out clean, and his chest rumbles with a groan. “Can’t get enough of your taste. Fuck.”

It takes a second for you to catch your breath, chest heaving and shirt clinging to sweaty skin. But, there’s finally a moment where your legs feel somewhat solid, and you take advantage of the opportunity, bending your leg to put the bottom of your foot on Clint’s bare chest.

He shoots you a confused but intrigued look, and you respond with a lopsided grin as you push him backward, until he’s the one stumbling to find a spot against the arm of the couch. Faintly, you consider the move would be much sexier with a pair of heels digging into his skin, but this will have to suffice for now. Maybe next time -- if there is a next time, of course.

“Now, what are you up to, baby girl?” Clint is practically vibrating with excitement as you gather the strength to push yourself off the couch, ignoring the slight twitch of your exerted thighs.

“Take your pants off,” you say, with little shame. “Now.”

You’re not sure you’ve ever seen someone get undressed so quickly and the hastiness of Clint’s actions leave him with very little coordination. It takes him three tries to get his belt undone, and he pokes himself with the metal prong when his eyes return to glance at you.

Raising a brow, you put your hands on your hips, and he speeds up. The button and zipper take him twice as long, but the sound when he finally tosses his belt and jeans off to the side is well worth the wait.

He licks his lips, looking up at you -- waiting, watching. Your earlier thoughts regarding his legs are heightened tenfold as you take in his toned thighs and hard cock in-between. He’s thick, the bulge pressing against his boxer-briefs making your heart skip a beat. The mere idea of him stretching you open has you growing too impatient for what you have planned.

“Keep going.” You swallow and hope your voice doesn’t sound too shaky.

Clint’s quick fingers make work of the fabric, and you focus on finishing yourself off. You pull your shirt off and let it drop to your feet before your hands move to unhook your bra. You’re barely sliding the straps down your arms when you hear Clint huff, and you look back to him.

“I wanted to do that,” he almost whines, chest puffing.

You roll your eyes but laugh, and toss your bra to him. He catches it with a wink, before throwing it behind him. Immediately, his gaze drags over your chest, excruciatingly slow. You know he’s taking in every inch, every natural mark that decorates your torso. Normally, you’d feel odd being examined so closely while still being at a decent distance -- but Clint is observant and his eyes are hungry.

Finally, his dark eyes reconnect with yours. “You gonna come sit or should I just grab you?” His tone is playful and daring, but you hear the hint of arousal that suggests he wouldn’t be opposed to tugging you into his arms. You don’t have time for games anymore, though, so you stand between Clint’s legs, and he pats his thigh playfully.

“Hmm…” You bite your lip and shake your head, eyes glistening with mischief. “Not yet…”

You make your descent to your knees perfectly paced, fluttering your lashes as you look up to Clint from between his thighs. He cusses and his arms fall limply to his side as he resigns himself to the torture he knows you’ll be sure to deliver.

“I thought you wanted to take your time,” you tease, fingers sliding up his thigh. Your nails against his skin have him tensing, muscles quivering.

He groans, and tosses his head back. “That was before I made you cum. Just wanna fuck you now -- make you shake again.”

You pinch him. “Sweet-talking will get you nowhere, Barton. You should know that.” But, you still let your palm graze over his hard cock, twitching at your touch. He’s firm and warm, and when your fingers wrap around his length, you realize how deliciously thick he is, filling your grasp fully. The length is there too, just enough to not be intimidating, but the girth has your core throbbing.

“Fuck, Clint,” you groan, giving a slow jerk of your wrist. “You’ve been holding out on me.”

He’s pulsing in your hand, skin flushed and precum beginning to drip from the head of his cock. It coats your hand on the second stroke, easing the drag. Soon enough, he’s practically glistening, and your mouth waters. You have to taste him.

He calls your name, voice trembling, as your tongue darts out to flatten against his tip. “Oh God, please.” He’s flushed, from his cheeks to his tensing thighs, and you’d grin if you weren’t taking him deeper into your mouth. Another part of the burning, fervid desire deep in your veins lights up as your lips wrap around him -- tongue greedy for more as it laps everything it can reach. A growl reverberates through his entire body, and the sound makes your thighs clench.

You spare him a glance, and he looks destroyed. Sweat gathers on his forehead and the veins in his arm pulse as he grips the cushions to stay steady. Sane. Calm.

His knuckles are white and you relieve them by grabbing his left hand in your own, thumb rubbing over the back of his palm. He’s squeezing you like you’re his lifeline, and you reward him with your free hand around his base.

“Fuck fuck, I’ll cum too fast with you doing that,” Clint grunts, and you watch his chest heave as he tries to steady his breathing.

You pull off him with a line of spit, breaking it with your hand as you use the saliva to glide your fingers. He’s still throbbing, and you trace his underside vein with your wet thumb. “I thought that was the point, right?” You repeat his words from earlier with a grin, pressing a kiss against his thigh as your hand speeds up. He’s so close and he needs it so badly, but he finally pulls his hand from yours to grab your moving wrist.

“Not until I fuck you.” He pants, and begrudgingly removes your hold from his cock. “And a couple times, at the very least.”

Your heart races at the mere thought of as many rounds as you can handle, with Clint making you cum again and again. Still, you stand slowly, silently hoping he’ll push you back to your knees and cum down your throat.

But he doesn’t. He watches closely as you straighten out, and you quickly move to straddle him. “Fine, but you’ll let me ride you, understood?” Your thighs brush over him with the lightest touch, and with just one solid movement, you could have him sinking into you. But, you wait. You watch as he swallows heavily, eyes hooded.

Clint gives you a lopsided smile. “No complaints here, babe.” And with that, you reach down to hold his length, pressing the tip against your clenching, wet, core. He gasps, but you shift just slightly, until he bumps your clit. It’s too much and too little all at once, and you let out a soft cry as he jerks upward, precum coating the swollen nub. You reward yourself with one more drag down from your clit before letting the head of his cock push into you.

You’re immediately clenching around his length, and Clint’s calloused fingertips dig into your hips as he helps steady you. It only takes a couple breaths and a slow spread of your thighs to take him fully, arousal coating his cock quickly. He barely holds himself back from rutting into you right away, but you rock your hips and grip his shoulders regardless.

“Fuck,” he half-groans, half-whimpers. “You’re so fucking wet.”

Your nails dig into his skin as you roll again, letting out an incoherent babble of his name as your clit gains friction from his own warm body. You can feel your own wetness dripping down your thigh onto his, and it has you shuddering. It’s so dirty and your fingers move to Clint’s hair, desperately clinging at the long strands. His forehead presses to yours, and he smells like the most dangerous concoction of sweat, cologne, and mint toothpaste you’ve ever had the honor of inhaling.

You join in an almost-kiss that’s all teeth, but he brushes his tongue against your cupid’s bow in a much gentler way, and you know he can feel the shiver that runs down your spine in reaction. He squeezes your hip gently in reassurance, and then his grip on you tightens. It doesn’t hurt, but you can feel the years of arm workouts, and you know there’s no way to escape -- as if you’d ever want to.

Clint’s knee jerks and then he’s thrusting up into you with such force it leaves you breathless. He holds you down and all you can do is gasp and hold him tighter as he pushes into you harder and faster. Every shift provides a new angle and friction as his tip stimulates your sensitive walls.

Your thighs shake desperately and you can hear the wet slap each of his movements provide as you coat his cock in warm slick. He grins at the sight, one hand drifting from your hip until it reaches your throbbing clit.

“Look at you,” he coos and punctuates the words with a rough circle of his thumb.

Your chest heaves as you gasp, but the lack of Clint’s hold gives you a second to grind against him. He grunts as you do, and you chuckle breathlessly against his parted lips.

“And look at you.”

He retorts by way of another rub against your clit, and your laughter quickly turns to a drawn-out moan.

“You look so pretty when you’re about to cum.” He pants between every word, but he’s determined to deliver the compliment that makes your face too warm. You’re not sure how he knows you’re so close -- it must be way more embarrassingly obvious than you thought -- but you can’t find it in yourself to care. Not when he’s letting his cock drag inside you slowly, with a hard thrust every few seconds. Not when the pressure on your clit is changing so rapidly you can’t breathe.

When you do cum, with a broken cry and shaking torso, Clint doesn’t let up. He goes faster, harder. It’s a never-ending high that turns your brain to mush, and your body into even less. Your thighs burn and your toes curl but all you can feel is the delicious length buried deep inside you.

It’s only during the beginning of the cool down that you tug a little harder on Clint’s hair, and roll your hips a little more. “C’mon, Clint, please. Please fill me up.” His chest rumbles against yours with a throaty growl, and you continue to ride out your orgasm as he fucks into you with a few more desperate, shaky thrusts.

He cums in you thick and warm, with a groan of your name. It tumbles from his lips sinfully, and you commit the sound to memory. The rasp of his tone and the sight of his wet, swollen lips.

It’s not until he eases out of you slowly, and you feel the drip down your thigh that you’re grounded and reminded of exactly where you are. On a multi-thousand dollar couch. Owned by Tony Stark.

“Oh my god, Clint.”

His eyes are closed and you’re sure he’s about three seconds from sleeping for eighteen hours, but he manages a tired smirk. “I know. That was good.”

“No! I mean yes. But that’s not what I’m talking about.”

He half-opens one eye. “What?”

“I think we stained the couch.” A quick glance between Clint’s thighs all but confirms it, and you’re not sure whether to be proud or embarrassed by the very large wet spot staining the blended fabric.

“I can’t believe that’s what you’re thinking about right now. After everything that just happened.”

You playfully slap his shoulder as you roll onto the cushion next to him with a huff. He nudges you back with his arm before clearing his throat, and letting out a butchered impression of your voice. “Oh Clint! Your dick was just so amazing!-”

“Oh my god!” You cover your face but nothing stops the laughter that rumbles through your chest -- even if he’s got your tone completely wrong. He just chuckles and wraps his arm around you, pulling you into his side with a sigh.

“How much do you think we’ll owe Tony by the end of the day?” He looks down at you with a playful glint in his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

He rolls his eyes, but presses a chaste kiss to your hair. “C’mon, you don’t think I haven’t planned out every surface we still need to fuck on before they get back?”

“Clint!”

“See, you keep screaming my name but for all the wrong reasons.” Now you can feel his grin against the top of your head, and it comes into view as he stands with you still in his grasp. You’re not sure how he maneuvers it, but he’s got you in his arms before you can even blink, and the look he sends you tells you not to complain or even question it. He’s not even out of breath -- all things considered -- and when you glance in the direction he’s heading, your eyes widen.

“You have got to be joking…” You squirm in his arms as he sets you down on the table used for almost every meeting, and the mere thought of defiling it forever makes you squeeze your legs together shyly.

But, Clint is quick to spread them, all with a cocky grin and a far too confident tone.

“I don’t know about you…” He begins, as his fingers trail up your thigh. “But I think we could reach ten thousand by midnight.”

If you distantly hear FRIDAY warn adamantly against it -- neither of you mention it.

“Better get started then, Barton.”

---

[wizkiddx]

the worst case scenario part 4

Finally! Sorry it took so so long I’ve just been mad busy! I’m really not sure how much I like this, but deff this is the second last part (if people still want another) so not much more to endure and suffer through if your stuck in it ahah x

tomhollandxreader

Warnings [please check before reading!!] : mentions of death / hospitals and ICUs / bit of lack of childhood love (have no idea how to phrase that rn wow)

Tom had silently cried again when saying goodnight to Y/n for the evening. Harrison hadn’t a clue what to do, except stand back helplessly and watch, giving his friend a bit of space - but at the same time not letting him go it alone. It took a painfully long time for Tom to collect himself before he could straighten up and turn toward Haz.

“You sure you don’t mind staying with her?” Harrison nodded pitifully at Tom’s glassy eyes, the way his eyebrows were furrowed downwards.

“I’ll stay till 10, I got her”

“I owe you bro” Mumbling, Tom launched himself to wrap his arms round his taller mate - squeezing extra hard because that was a way of distracting him from the emotions still threatening to overtake him.

“Nah I’m not doing this for you div…. I love her too ya know?” That made Tom scoff laugh a little, nodding his head as he leant away.

“Yeh she…she has that effect. Just-“ Tom momentarily looked back at the bed, watching the ventilator pump air to mechanically inflate your lungs. “Just call me if anything happens, please promise me.”

“You already know I will…. but- and I know this is hard for you- but you have to promise me you’ll give the baby a chance?” Tom gulped at the mention, looking away at the blue curtains for a minute, his jaw clenching. “Come on Tom just give her a feed or something… you know it’s what Y/n would want.“

“Can we not speak about this in front of her please?” Tom's voice was short and teeth were gritted as he gestured at his unconscious fiancé, giving the clear impression to H that it wasn’t really a question. The nurse pretended to busy herself monitoring all Y/n’s readings, feeling incredibly awkward. She was the one who had mentioned to Tom that Y/n might be able to hear, at the time meaning to be a comforting and possibly hopeful gesture, now she was deeply regretting it. This wasn’t the first uncomfortable situation she’d been in, working 1 on 1 with patients in ICU meant you were automatically privy to some of the deepest conversations between patients and relatives - though this was the first time it was a celeb too, especially one who valued his privacy so much. It was more than obvious Tom wasn’t uncomfortable just because his fiancé might be conscious enough to hear.

“No Tom I…” Harrison lost control. He snapped “No not at all! Because I know she’d want me to give you a good bloody shake! I get you haven’t landed on a name yet but at least see your daughter! I bloody hope Y/n hears this… if that’s what it takes for you to realise that, to be honest she’d be heartbroken and betrayed that you haven’t been loving your baby!”

Silence, except for the beeping and whirring of the various machines.

And the silence stayed for a painfully long time - Tom and Harrison holding each other in intense eye contact, whilst the nurse bit her lip in the corner. Harrisons breathing was slightly ragged from the whisper-shouted words that he’d let slip out. The atmosphere was tense, the nurse was inwardly preparing calling for help if and when Tom ultimately started throwing fists at his friend.

It took literal minutes for Harrison to concede, his friend's dark eyes painfully boring into his skull. Again he hadn’t meant to go off like that, he really didn't want to hurt his friend who was literally going through hell and back. Now wasn’t the time for tough love really , and Harrison instantly felt an insurmountable level of guilt.

“I-I didn-“

“-her names Aurora.”

“No Tom I’m sorry I really didn-“

“Her name is Aurora. Aurora Christina Mary Holland.” Tom wasn’t joking. He was so deadly and sincerely serious. Harrison had no trouble believing this, believing that Tom had been ruminating all day on this - just by the look of his brown eyes.

“It’s beautiful.” The blonde almost was gasping, inwardly repeating the name as a chant inside his head, correlating it to the memories of earlier that day when he was cradling the girl. There was no doubt about it- Aurora was an Aurora, it suited her perfectly. Yes, it wasn’t typical but it was beautiful. “What’s it mean?” He only asked because nobody picked a name without looking into it and Harrison knew that the couple had yet to name the little girl when she was first born as they were still torn between a few carefully considered options.

“Dawn like sunrise I think and-and, you know… the auroras that me and Y/n saw in Iceland the night I…. The night I proposed.”

The word held an awful lot of emotion for Tom. Y/n had always been one of those people - the ‘look up’ type or the ‘smell the roses’. Underneath her sarcasm and wit, she was one of the purest people, in the way that all she needed was the little things in life. It was a ball ache to Tom sometimes but Y/n always would drag him out of bed at stupid o’clock in the morning on a beautiful day to see the sunrise. He’d moan and groan all the way, only to grow silent when he gazed deeply at the sunrise sparkling her eye as she peered out at the horizon.

Of course, the aurora borealis was important too. You can probably already guessed; Y/n loved the night sky and stars too. She also loved the snow, the winter, the cosy log fires, the walks spent launching the freezing powder at Tom’s face - only to get it returned twice as bad. So when Tom was ready and oh so certain he would spend the rest of his life with her, a trip to Iceland seemed a pretty good opportunity to do it. No expense was spared on their little cabin in the woods, wrapped in cosy blankets staring up at the sky through the transparent roof that was the reason this cabin was so incredibly expensive. They’d spent the evening after they’d got back from exploring the frozen forest wrapped in the thick white duvet, chatting pure rubbish while cradling a luxurious hot chocolate, complete with marshmallows and whipped cream. Then these almost otherworldly green and blue ribbons grabbed their attention, dancing and waving across the deep midnight sky. Whilst she was transfixed, hair billowing round her on the pillow while staring upwards - that was when Tom leaned over, pulling the little black box out of the bedside table.

And then there was the new connotation to the word. The new situation that had him so incredibly hesitant to label her just yet. If Aurora meant a new dawn and meant life without Y/n he didn’t want it. More than that, he refused. No matter how impossible it was, Tom refused to think about life without her. It just wasn’t an option. It couldn’t happen.

Yet without much control over his own mouth, when Harrison had asked, it had just slipped out. He knew it had to be her name. But the fact he’d spoken it… that was terrifying.

“Well go see Aurora Tom… please.” This time they’d swapped, Tom was stoney faced and Harrison knew he was about to cry, which really Tom didn’t need to witness. What he needed to do was get him with his daughter. So again, for now, Harrison's emotions would wait.

And with only a small nod of parting, off Tom walked. The man left in the bay released a breath he didn’t know he was holding before turning and all but collapsing into the armchair next to Y/n. Unsurprisingly, this still was too much to process and shut his eyes, squeezing the bridge between the nose as he tried to slow down all the blurring thoughts in his mind - simultaneously trying to bring each one into focus and shock … that wasn’t very easy.

It was in fact at least two and a half hours he sat there, the white noise of the ward whirring dully in Harrison's head while he spent the time just… thinking. He looked asleep, eyes closed and slumped in the chair but he was painfully awake. All the remaining energy that dwindled in him from before this whole nightmare had started was spent trying to organise his thoughts; process all the medical explanations and jargon he’d heard; everything he’d seen, all the wires and tube; the advice on how to feed a baby with a bottle.

That was until a voice got progressively louder from the background crackle, slowly forming into intelligible words.

“Sir… Sir?” Blinking forcefully Harrison's eyes lazily focused on the nurse that had been stationed next to Y/n for certainly as long as he had been here, her black hair pulled tightly into a low bun and kind eyes smiling at him. “Sorry for waking you.”

“No no I was just ehrmm… just thinking.” She nodded with a gentle smile that kind of suggested she didn’t believe him but relented all the same.

“It’s just getting late and I thought you’d like an update before I clock off for the evening?” Nodding frantically, Harrison’s eye quickly shot over to Y/n - just to check she was still there.

“Okay well it all seems really positive actually. The doctors were in just before…” Alright, so maybe H had fallen a little bit asleep because he definitely didn’t know that the doctor had been in. “… they’ve withdrawn the sedation and her GCS has started to improve slightly, which basically is a measure of how unconscious a person is.”

“She’s waking up?” Haz was now bolt upright in the chair, looking between the nurse and the still apparently unconscious women lying in the bed.

“Very slowly… but it is looking good, maybe, the doctors are keen to see her condition tomorrow. I thought you might like to help me do her last GCS check of the evening?”

Just maybe the nurse had already taken these set of observations before she’d stirred Harrison but it was a nice way to demonstrate improvements that couldn’t really be seen to a patient's relative - who couldn’t interpret results like qualified health care professionals could. Hopefully, Y/n’s response would be the same as before and then maybe Harrison could report back to the heartbroken fiancé that maybe things weren’t so bad. Standing in front of Harrison, the state of him was more than evident and she had a sneaking suspicion Tom would be worse. Instantaneously then, Harrison nodded vigorously; jumping out his chair with sprite that even he didn’t know he had.

“Okay so in GCS we test eye responses, verbal responses and the motor - so movement…” The lady talked through it all to Haz who listened intently, nodding his head every so often. She then went through the process of first asking Y/n to open her eyes - nothing. Then applying light pressure to her forehead, still Y/n lay still. She then moved on to trying to rouse her with words, getting Harrison to join in but still receiving nothing back. It was starting to feel a bit hopeless to Harrison, yet he still entertained the lady, going through all her steps.

“Okay so now we test movement so first hold her hand and ask her to squeeze it.” Following her directions precisely Harrison tried, still receiving absolutely no response. “Okay so now we add stimuli, trying squeezing between her shoulder and neck, like your pinching her just not too hard.”

Hesitantly Harrison reached up to her shoulder adding a small pressure between his thumb and first and second finger. Again nothing happened but the nurse encouraged him to go a bit harder - he was being light as he just didn't want to hurt her. With a nod and a small mumble of “cmon Y/n/n” he added strength. It took a moment or two but then sure as Harrison standing there himself, Y/n’s opposite right arm limply twitched upwards - making a small almost pathetic, yet still very clear attempt to remove the pressure on her shoulder.

Looking up at the nurse pleadingly Harrison received a confirmatory nod back at him - communicating the fact that this was indeed progress. In fact, just seeing Y/n not completely limp and almost vegetative - made his adrenalin soar.

“It’s baby steps but in the right direction okay?”

Letting out a breathy and relieved laugh Harrison nodded jerkily, wiping his cheek on his shoulder just because there might’ve just been a tear or two there.

/////////////////////////

For Tom forcing himself to leave the ICU was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. Why he had ever agreed with his mother was so ridiculously beyond on him, yet he felt he had somewhat lost his choice thanks to his well meaning best mate forcing him down the children’s floor. It wasn’t that he hated Aurora, physically that was an impossibility. And yet he hated what she’d done to Y/n, he hated that he was alone in this, he hated the whole situation. Which ultimately was his fault 9 months ago- which just made him hate himself even more.

Also in some weird and convoluted way, he felt as though he was betraying Y/n by seeing their baby. And that was exactly why… it was their baby. She’d been so excited, so so over the moon when those two lines appeared on the stick - it was cruelly unfair that he was physically capable to see her and Y/n was paralysed in an unconscious state.

Again his body seemed to be on autopilot, Tom was confused as to how he knew where he needed to go - having skilfully avoided the children’s ward for as long as possible. It was like a homing instinct, as much as he consciously was almost terrified to see her - he still appeared to need her near him. Seeing his parents in the hallway, Nikki cradling the little bundle wrapped in blankets, both of them making small talk to the nurse opposite. It was his dad who noticed him first, looking over the cautious look in his eyes and the way his fingers clutched nervously at the bottom of his hoodie.

“How is she?”

“The same I guess… she okay?” He nodded toward the little baby, Nikki looking up excitedly.

“She’s beautiful… a little bit stressed out but…” Nikki referred to her slight fussing, which was clearly far from full blown scream, more like tired and muted groans.She didn't really realise her poor choice of words till her son mumbled under his breath.

“Not the only one.”

Before she could apologise and backtrack, the same nurse who had been so kind to Harrison approached them all.

“Ah… Mr Holland right?” He nodded passively, receiving yet another sympathetic smile back. So many of them had been chucked about today, each one becoming less and less helpful and more and more infuriating. Though Tom was not about to fly off the handle since in all honesty, he was too drained for that. “ I just need to get you to sign some paperwork in private with me before we can formally discharge baby Holland. Would you mind bringing her in here?”

Almost even before finishing the statement she had already disappeared through a door into another hospital room, as if demanding him to follow immediately in order to comply with her busy schedule. Still stood a little dazzled, Tom watched the door swing shut while his brows furrowed, until eventually turning back to his mum. Aurora’s groans and general discontent had somewhat escalated during the small interaction with the nurse lady, her immature lungs producing an impressive level of volume. Nikki was doing the best she could, bouncing the little bundle up and down though it had little effect.

So wordlessly and as if in slow motion, Tom took the two steps necessary to be inches away from his mum - now able to completely see Aurora’s distressed face scrunching up with each sharp inhalation. He didn’t want to but Harrison had betrayed him by telling Y/n; the nurse wanted her in the side room; and he did…. He did want to. Wanted to have her pure and soft skin nested into his chest not Nikki’s; wanted to be her safety and her comfort; wanted to do Y/n proud.

In silence, Tom scooped the girl out his mum's grip, both Dom and Nikki watching his with cautious and shocked eyes - as Tom kept his gaze completely on the little thing. Then, he whisked the two of them into the room, away from the prying eyes (even if they were his own parents and Aurora’s grandparents).

As soon as he walked in the nurse pressed her mouth shut, sensing the need to be an invisible entity for a short while. Dom and Nikki had expressed their concerns about Tom’s feeling toward the baby girl before he’d arrived on the ward. She was acutely aware this was the first time he’d held his child in the last 18 hours.

Tom sat down, the girl silent now as she blinked open heavy eyes in confusion, probably because she recognised these arms but couldn’t place where. That was the first time Tom had seen his daughters eyes and all he saw was Y/n. Her Y/e/c eyes with the little darker flick in the bottom half of each iris. Aurora was his little piece of Y/n, which in that moment Tom realised was perhaps what he needed all day. Tears were tracking steadily down his cheeks while Tom used the back of his first finger to gently stroke up and down Aurora’s little chin- enjoying the way she leant into the action, uncoordinated movements of her head wiggling herself within the crook of his elbow.

The two of them and then the nurse opposite just sat quietly for five or so minutes, till eventually - lulled by her Dad’s regular stroking action, deep breaths and scent- Aurora let her eyes close again.

“She looks very happy with you Dad.” The nurse thought now was the safest time to speak, voice low, then taking the time to wait for Tom to respond. When eventually he did, it didn’t really fit the conversation but it was all Tom wanted to - and could- say in that moment.

“She’s just like her mum.”

The two then went through all the various forms Tom had to sign, all of which he did carefully so as not to disturb the little girl in his arms. It didn't take long before the nurse woman was ushering him out back into the hallway, where his parents were waiting anxiously for him. Dom saw the tear tracks Tom hadn’t bothered to wipe away, putting two and two together to realise maybe he’d come to his senses. So with the question of are you ready to go, Dom was more than delighted by the response he received. It wasn’t actually directed at him, more a breathy rhetorical question the sleeping child securely nestled into her dad’s toned arms.

“Let’s get you home Aurora.”

Because like it or not; no matter what the outcome was with Y/n there was doubt that this was a new start. A new dawn. It was terrifying, stressful and hard but in the same way you can’t fight the coming sunrise; Tom knew he couldn’t fight this event. It was happening, dawn was breaking and it was Aurora, him and Y/n. In whatever way fate chose it to be. A new ‘dawn’.

Aurora.

[writingwhimsey]

Lady of Azuchi Ch. 4

Chapter 4

Sasuke stood in the highest watch tower of Kasugayama, looking up at the clear night sky. He had conflicting feelings after the meeting with Kenshin and Shingen. But then again he knew Shingen well enough to know that he wouldn't order anyone to harm an innocent woman...especially a pregnant woman. But that still didn't stop the nagging feeling in the back of his mind.

"Yuki said I could find you up here."

Sasuke turned, surprised by Shingen's approach. He had been so lost in thought that he didn't notice the man's approach. "What had you looking for me?" Sasuke asked.

"The fact that expression broke through on your face at the mention of the Devil King's wife." Shingen answered. There was no need to hide anything from Sasuke.

"You noticed?"

"Of course. I'm surprised Kenshin didn't notice, but for once he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice yours." Shingen replied. "Now, tell me what you want to tell me."

Sasuke sighed. "What are your plans with having one of your Mitsumono working as Ava's midwife?" He asked.

"You speak as if you know her." Shingen said ignoring the younger man's question.

"She is a friend." Sasuke answered. "We are from the same hometown."

"Oh, so she is the woman you made that bargain with Kenshin to protect?" Shingen asked, though he already knew the answer.

"Yes."

"And yet she is married to your lord's enemy and carries his child."

"She is still my friend." Sasuke replied. "You never answered my question, Lord Shingen."

Shingen smiled. "You won't let me out of it that easily I see."

Sasuke stared at Shingen, patiently waiting his answer.

"I promise, I mean no harm to the Lady of Azuchi." Shingen replied. "Nor to the child she carries. I know both are innocent of Nobunaga's crimes."

"Then what is your plan?" Sasuke asked.

"To gather information." Shingen answered. "I am not certain, but it appears Nobunaga has changed. All reports are saying that in his recent battles he has been offering a bloodless surrender to every one of them. Many still do not take it and he is just as ruthless in battle as ever...however there have been some who have."

"And what of their domains?" Sasuke asked.

"I am still gathering information on that." Shingen answered.

Sasuke eyed Shingen.

"You know with Nobunaga out of the way, you could very easily console your friend and become more in the process."

"Why would you think that's what I want?" Sasuke asked.

"Why else would a man put up with training under Kenshin for four years to help protect a woman?" Shingen asked. "Especially a beautiful one. I have not seen her, but I hear the lady is quite a beauty."

"She is my friend and she loves Nobunaga...he makes her happy."

"That seems strange because I hear she is quite kind as well. That doesn't seem like someone who could be so easily matched with the Devil King."

"Maybe it takes someone truly kind to see and bring out the good in others." Sasuke replied.

"Perhaps." Shingen replied. "But again, I swear to you I mean no harm to Lady Ava, or her child, and nor would Asuna harm a patient of hers even if I gave the order to. She may be a skilled fighter, but she is an even more skilled midwife and she would do anything for her patients. Seeing women be happy and healthy and alive during the child bearing process and beyond is quite personal for her."

"What do you mean?"

"That is not my story to tell." Shingen replied. "Perhaps if you ever meet her, she may tell you. For now, rest easy knowing that your friend is safe and is in good hands." He then placed a comforting hand on Sasuke's shoulder.

Hideyoshi...

"Have you been able to find anything?" Hideyoshi asked as he sat in a meeting with Nobunaga and Mitsuhide.

"She comes from a village that has always been in Lord Nobunaga's domain." Mitsihide began. "She lost her mother at a young age and had to help care for her younger sister. She became an apprentice midwife when she was ten. I have found no ties or connections to any groups or nefarious persons."

Hideyoshi grunted, not settled with that answer.

"I've also found nothing but glowing reviews on her from her former patients as well as the other midwives she has worked with." Mitsuhide added. "It appears your suspicions are unfounded."

"Or she's just as good as you are at hiding her true intentions." Hideyoshi replied. "I just...I don't trust her."

"To be fair, you didn't trust Ava either in the beginning." Mitsuhide replied. "And look how wrong you turned out to be there."

"It doesn't mean I am wrong this time. My gut is telling me she can't be trusted."

"Ava does." Nobunaga spoke up. "After the interviews, she told me all about Asuna." His thoughts recalled the morning after Ava had chosen Asuna as her midwife.

They had been sitting down to breakfast. Though Nobunaga had already spoken with Hideyoshi and knew of his suspicions and that they had chosen a midwife, he wanted to get Ava's thoughts.

"So, how did the interviews go? Did you find someone suitable?"

A smile came to her face. "Yes and she is absolutely perfect!"

"How so?"

"Well, for one thing she was honest about her losses." Ava had answered. "But then she mentioned how she still checks on those people afterwards and how she believes in continuing to check on and support the mothers after birth. Post-partum care isn't something that I thought was common in this age."

"Post...pardum?"

"It means after birth."

"I see. Is that something big in the future?"

"Kind of." Ava had answered. "It is something that still needs some work on, but it is definitely more practiced in the future than here."

"I see."

Nobunaga had to smile at the memory. He loved learning things of the world Ava had come from. He then took a sip of his tea, avoiding the sake at this time as it was a serious meeting. "She said that Asuna believes in follow-up and keeping up with her patients even after they have given birth. She practically gushed about how in her hometown that was something they did there and it really made a difference."

"I wonder where Ava is from." Mitsuhide mused. "She came to us quite sheltered and yet she lets these little tidbits slip that her hometown is quite different from where she comes from...more advanced in ways it seems."

"Her hometown must be strange indeed." Hideyoshi agreed.

Nobunaga had to sip his tea to hide his pleased smile. He was the only one who knew Ava's secret of being from the future and he liked it that way. "We have spoken at length about her hometown...it is a very interesting place."

"Hmm...the secrets shared between lovers." Mitsuhide murmured quietly taking a sip of his own tea.

Hideyoshi coughed awkwardly.

The bells chimed then, signaling the changing of the hour. "Hmm, I should be going." Nobunaga said, standing up. "I promised Ava I would be there when she greeted Asuna's arrival today."

"Allow me to come as well, my lord." Hideyoshi said. "I still do not trust the woman."

"You can do as you like." Nobunaga replied.

Ava...

I stood at the gate to the castle. The bells had chimed just a few moments ago and Nobunaga was nowhere in sight. I chewed my bottom lip. He had promised he would be with me to greet Asuna when she arrived and yet he was not here.

I let out a sigh. He probably had something come up. He is trying to unite the entire country after all. He has important work to do. I internally scolded myself.

It was at that moment I felt two strong arms wrap around me from behind. "You look disappointed." His gentle voice was at my ear.

I couldn't help the smile that came to my face. "I was not disappointed. I was just...impatient."

Nobunaga chuckled. "I promised I would be here. I will always keep my word to you."

That was the moment I heard an awkward cough from behind us. Nobunaga turned with me still in his arms and we looked at Hideyoshi. "You didn't have to come, Hideyoshi." Nobunaga said, an amused smile on his face.

"I didn't say anything." Hideyoshi replied, looking abashed.

Nobunaga laughed in amusement. "You know I cannot contain myself when I am near my wife."

Oh Nobunaga, why do you have to say such things? I thought, my cheeks reddening.

Asuna...

Asuna made her way through the castle town of Azuchi. As she approached the castle she couldn't help but to think of her mission. She had easily blended in countless times to families of nobles and warriors. She had cared for the expectant mothers and reported on the husband's movements to Lord Shingen.

It was something she managed to do with ease and no one ever knew. Yet there was something different about this mission. She felt slightly intimidated. Her target wasn't just any lord or warrior, but Nobunaga Oda, the Devil King.

He can't be easy to fool. His wife was not wary of me, but I know Hideyoshi was. His questioning made that perfectly clear...as well as that intense look in his eyes. Asuna thought as she approached the castle gates.

From a ways back she could see inside and saw Lady Ava waiting at the gates. She was chewing on her bottom lip and looking around almost nervously...no anxiously was more like it. Then she let out a defeated sigh right before a man came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her.

Asuna watched as the man held her so gently and tenderly. She having an affair? There's no way that could be the Devil King. She thought as she approached. She decided to get closer, but remain hidden for a bit to be able to hear what was going on.

"...I will always keep my word to you." The man holding Ava had said.

Then someone coughed and that was when Asuna saw Hideyoshi standing behind Ava and the man holding her. Oh did he just catch her in the act? Asuna thought to herself.

"You didn't have to come Hideyoshi."

"I didn't say anything."

"You know I cannot contain myself when I am near my wife."

Wife? Wait that is Nobunaga? She thought as she watched the scene unfold before her eyes. How could Nobunaga be so tender with Ava? That doesn't fit the man I have heard of all my life.

Ava smiled, her cheeks red. "I take it you still don't trust Asuna?" She asked, looking over at Hideyoshi, but staying snug in Nobunaga's arms.

"No." Hideyoshi replied.

Ava sighed. "I know you may not believe me, but I trust her."

"How can you after such a brief meeting?"

"Call it woman's intuition." Ava replied. "But there was just something in her eyes...I know that I will be in good hands with her as my midwife."

You're too kind, my lady. Asuna thought at those words. Hideyoshi is right of course...but so are you for I would never harm a patient. It goes against everything in me as a midwife. One of the reasons I had chosen to serve Lord Shingen. I knew he would never do harm to the women and children I cared for.

"Your lady has spoken Hideyoshi." Nobunaga said. "Her mind is made up and I think you should just accept it."

Hideyoshi bowed. "Yes, my lord."

Wow, so Nobunaga's word is law to him, I see. Asuna thought. But it would appear that Ava's word is law to Nobunaga. How interesting.

Asuna decided then that she should make herself known soon before someone found her lurking. She changed her position and approached the gate from straight on, making sure no one could tell she had been hiding off to the side.

"Lady Ava?"

Three sets of eyes turned to her then. Hideyoshi's eyes were wary, Nobunaga's seemed curious, and Ava's were warm and welcoming. "Asuna! I am so glad to see you. Welcome." She greeted with a smile.

"I didn't expect you to greet me personally at the gate." Asuna said.

"Why wouldn't I?" Ava replied, apparently unaware of just how unusual she was or what exactly her status was. "Besides, you are going to be invading my personal space a lot in these coming months...so I may as well get to know you and get comfortable with you."

Asuna nodded. "That does make sense." So she is aware of what exams will be like? And this is her first child. I wonder if she's spent time around midwives before.

"Oh and I have something for you." Ava added, squirming her way out of Nobunaga's arms and then pulling a small package from her robes.

"What is this?" Asuna asked.

"A little gift to thank you for agreeing to the terms of this job." Ava answered, a bright smile on her face.

"I couldn't accept a gift for that."

"Please?" Ava insisted. "At least open it before you say no."

"Alright." Asuna agreed, unable to say no to such a sincere request. She took the package and opened it to find a small pouch made with a beautiful red fabric with a delicate embroidery on it. "You bought this for me?"

"She made it." Nobunaga declared in his deep voice, one that sounded like it was full of pride.

"You made this?" Asuna asked.

Ava blushed slightly. "I am a seamstress and I just thought that I could make you something useful yet cute to say thank you."

Asuna looked at Ava who wore such a warm and sincere smile she couldn't help but to return it. "Thank you, I shall treasure this my lady. It is beautiful and very well made."

Ava beamed. "I am glad you like it. Oh and if you would like anything else, I would be happy to make you something else as well."

Asuna had to hide her surprise. What a strange lady. She thought.

"My wife is not the only one who wishes to thank you." Nobunaga said, looking at Asuna. "I think you for agreeing to care for her and our child. I welcome you to Azuchi castle."

Asuna bowed. "Thank you, my lord." She replied. "I hope that I can live up to your expectations."

"See that you do." Nobunaga replied. "Ava is most precious to me and I will only ask for the best to care for her."

Asuna could see the warmth and love in Nobunaga's eyes as he gazed at Ava. How can the Devil King seem so...kind? She is his wife yes, but I would expect him to treat her as he treats everyone else. He is kind and gentle as a husband and every bit the picture of a loving father-to-be...how can that be?

"Is something wrong, Asuna?" Ava asked, looking at her.

Asuna shook herself and smiled. "No, I was just lost in thought for a moment." She replied.

"Plotting something?" Hideyoshi asked.

"No, I was just thinking it was so nice to be personally welcomed to Azuchi castle by Lord Nobunaga and Lady Ava." Asuna said. "No one has ever given me such a warm welcome before nor was it something I was expecting. It's also nice to be met by you, even if you are suspicious of me."

Hideyoshi seemed taken aback for a moment, but only a moment. "Well, I only came for extra security."

Ava was rolling her eyes and then taking Asuna by the arm. "Don't worry about him. He was suspicious of me, too when I first arrived. Come on, I'll show you to your room."

Asuna smiled. So the lady was under suspicion once, too. She thought. "Alright, thank you, my lady."

"How could I have not been suspicious?" Hideyoshi asked. "Just as now? How can I not be suspicious?"

"I don't take it personally." Asuna replied. "And I understand it. I will just have to prove you wrong. I really am here just to care for Lady Ava and the baby."

Ava led Asuna to a nice room inside the castle, Nobunaga and Hideyoshi coming with them as well. She was then introduced to the maids and left alone to settle in.

Asuna unpacked her things and sat down. She then looked at the pouch Ava had made and given her. "They are not what I was expecting." She muttered to herself. She then shook her head. "I can't forget what he did though. Nobunaga is the sworn enemy of my liege lord. I can't forget that. He is the Devil King, no matter what he pretends to be now."

Chapter 5 below!

https://writingwhimsey.tumblr.com/post/659999856981688320/lady-of-azuchi-ch-5

[bellaireland1981]

New Beginnings: CH 6

Characters: Andy Barber x Single Mom! Briella James (Named Reader), Jacob Barber, Ava James

Summary: Briella James is a HS teacher and has Jacob in her class. Jacob meets Briella’s 5 year old daughter and they form a bond. Andy is interested in Briella but her ex (and Ava’s dad) is becoming a problem!

Warnings: Mostly fluff, some angst, jerk of an ex that harasses Briella, kissing… will update in future chapters.

Word Count: 4084

A/N: I do Not own Andy Barber or Jacob Barber, they are fictional characters. I do not give permission for anyone to repost my work or translate it to another site. Reblogs always welcome!   This is my FIRST EVER attempt at writing for Andy…or any character, so be gentle!  THANK YOU to my friends for supporting me and encouraging me! I’m my own worst critic so I love their feedback! @denisemarieangelina @fluffymisha97 @jamielea81

Chapter 5     

Thankfully the rest of the week went pretty quickly. Friday morning, Ava was a ball of excited energy for dinner with Andy and Jacob. She wasn’t the only one. You couldn’t wait either.

Unfortunately, throughout the day you were inundated with texts and calls from your ex, which set you on edge. You managed to make it to your lunch before you broke down and actually called Andy. You planned to just leave a voicemail, as you were sure he was busy. You were happily surprised when he picked up.

“Hey, Sweetheart.” He said, “Are you on lunch? How’s your day going?”

“Yeah.” You said, “It’s much better now that I’m talking to you. I was just going to leave you a voicemail, but this is much better.”

“Everything ok?” He asked, concerned, “And unless I’m in court, I’ll always answer for you.”

“I’ve been getting a lot of texts and calls today from the ex.” You replied, shakily, “It’s just getting to me. It’s exhausting.”

“Forward me the messages,” he said, “I promise you, this will be over soon. In the meantime, we have tonight and tomorrow night together to look forward to.”

“That’s what’s getting me through.” You replied, “I can’t wait to see you. Ava is beyond excited as well.”

“Only a few more hours.” He said, “I can’t wait to see you and Ava either. How about you both come over at 4:30. Gives you time to get her picked up and I’ll leave work early and meet you at my house.”

“Sounds perfect.” You agreed. “I’ll let you get back to work, and I’ll see you soon.”

“I’ll see you soon.” He said, “And you can call me whenever you need to.”

The rest of the day went smoother. The calls and texts tapered down so you were at least able to focus. Once your last class was finished, you wrapped up some last minute emails to parents, then shut your laptop, grabbed your stuff and headed out of the building.

You got Ava picked up from school and headed home to change before going to Andy’s. Ava insisted on wearing her Elsa pajamas, even though you repeatedly told her it was not a sleepover.  One thing you were sure of, the child was headstrong.  You changed into jeans and a lighter weight sweater. It was starting to get cooler, especially at night.

You arrived at Andy’s and parked behind his black Audi. Getting out of your car, you made your way around to get Ava out and the two of you walked up to the front door. Andy was already there waiting with the door open, smiling at the two of you.

“Hi Andy!” Ava exclaimed, bounding up the step and throwing her arms around him. He hugged her back, smiling at you over her head.

“Hey, Princess.” He said, “I hope you’re hungry. We’ve got lots of pizza on the way, and enough snacks to rival the movie theater.”

“I’m starving.” she confirmed, beaming up at Andy. “Where’s Jacob?”

“Right here” He said, coming up behind his dad. “Come on, let’s steak out the best seats for the movie.” Jacob reaches for Ava’s hand, helping her into the house.

“Hey, Beautiful.” Andy said smiling at you, “Come here.” He gently pulled you up the step into the house and into his arms. You felt your whole body relax into his embrace. The stress of the week and everything with your ex melting away.

“That was exactly what I needed.” you said smiling up at him, “Thank you.”

“If I’m being honest, I needed it too,” He replied, “It was a long day. I was more than happy to leave it all behind. Come on, let’s go inside, I’ve got wine or beer. You’ve earned it.”

Andy led you into the house and to the kitchen. It was a very nice house from what you saw of it so far. It was definitely larger than yours. Surprisingly, it looked very homey, not the bachelor pad you were expecting with two males living there. Jacob and Ava were seated in what looked like oversized bean bag chairs on the living room floor flipping through Disney+, deciding on which movie to watch. It was cute that Jacob was patiently flipping through them all, even though everyone knew the choice would be Frozen.

You’d decided beer sounded better for the evening, especially with pizza coming. You and Andy sat at the island in the kitchen sipping your beer, enjoying each other’s company while you waited for dinner to arrive.

“I wasn’t sure where you’d like to go tomorrow night, but some of the other lawyers at the firm suggested the new sushi and steak restaurant KoFusion. I made reservations but we can always go somewhere else if you’d prefer.” Andy said, taking a sip of his beer.

“That sounds perfect.” You replied, smiling. “I’ve actually been wanting to try it, but Ava isn’t really open to trying sushi or steak.”

“I don’t think I would have been much for them either at her age.” He laughed, “Jake may eat steak now, but I doubt I’d ever get him to try sushi.”

“I was planning on making them a mini taco bar for dinner.” You said, “It’s easy to make.”

“I know Jake loves tacos so he’ll be happy.” He replies.

The doorbell rang, signaling dinner’s arrival. Andy grabbed the pizza and paid the delivery person, bringing the pizza back to the kitchen. We loaded up plates for everyone, grabbed drinks for the kids and brought it all to the living room.

“We’re going to watch Frozen!” Ava declared, “Jacob said they haven’t seen it yet!”

“We were just hoping to get to watch it with you, Princess Ava.” Andy said smiling and winking at Ava, while handing Jacob his pizza.

“Be careful, Monkey.” I told her, handing her a plate.

“Mommy, I want a Princess party this year for my birthday!” Ava said, “And I want Jacob and Andy to come to my party!”

“When is your birthday, Ava?” Jacob asked.

“November 6th!” Ava said excitedly, “And guess WHAT?”

“What?” Jacob humored her smiling.

“I’ll be 6 years old!” She replied, “Mommy said it’s special because it’s my golden birthday!”

“That is very special, Ava!” Andy said, “We’d love to come to your extra special princess party.”

“We’ll go get the invitations next week and fill them out so you can pass them out to your friends.” You told her, “

Jacob starte the movie and we all watched while eating our dinner. Once everyone was finished, you stacked the plates on the coffee table until the movie was over. Andy scooted closer to you on the couch, pulling you into him. His arm was round you and relaxed against him, enjoying just being with him.

Halfway through the movie, Andy paused it and declared it was ice cream sundae time. Everyone went to the kitchen and built their own sundae before carrying it back to the living room to resume the movie.

After the movie was over you helped Andy to carry all of the dishes to the kitchen. You offered to help him with the dishes but he said he’d have Jacob help later. Ava was starting to get sleepy, so you got her tucked into the car and said goodnight to both Andy and Jacob. You were definitely looking forward to your date the next night.

“Drive safe and text me when you get home.” Andy said leaning in to kiss you gently through the driver’s side window.

“I promise” you replied, smiling.

By the time you got home, Ava was fast asleep. It was a good thing she’d worn her pajamas afterall. You didn’t want to wake her enough to brush her teeth, you figured one night wouldn’t hurt. Thankfully, she was still light enough you were able to carry her into the house and get her tucked into her bed. Once you finished that you text Andy to let him know you made it home. You exchanged a few more texts back and forth and then you too, decided to call it a night.

You spend most of Saturday getting errands run and household chores you’d neglected over the week completed. Ava spent a few hours with your parents while you got everything done. They were used to getting to spend time together on the weekends. Later afternoon you swung by to pick her up so that you could go home and get ready for your date.

“She’s welcome to spend the night here if you want, Sweetheart.” Your mom said, “That way you don’t have to rush home from your date.”

“Jacob is coming to the house to hang out with her while Andy and I go out.” You replied, “Those two are thick as thieves already.”

“All we heard about today was Jacob and Andy.” Your mom said smiling, “I can’t wait to meet them. Just be careful, Bri. I’d hate for Ava to get attached just to get her heart broken. You too for that matter.”

“I wouldn’t let her get attached if I wasn’t sure about this, Momma.” You reassure her, “I know it seems fast, and really, it is, but the connection is there… and it’s strong. Wait until you meet them, you’ll see.”

“How about you bring them over Sunday for a family dinner.” Your mom suggests.

“I can ask him.” You replied, “If this Sunday doesn’t work, we can always schedule for next week.”

“Just let me know.” she said.

Ava came in with her jacket already on, bouncing in excitement.

“Come on Mommy! Andy and Jacob are coming over soon!” She said. She ran and gave your parents hugs, “Bye Nana and Papa! I love you!”

“I’ve ever seen her in such a hurry to leave us before.” Your dad pouted, “We’ve got competition now, Honey.”

“That we do.” Your mom laughed, “Have fun tonight Baby doll! You can tell me all about your fun night with Jacob tomorrow, ok?”

“I will! And Mommy can tell you about her date with Andy!”

“I can’t wait.” Your mom said, winking at you.

“Love you both” You said, “I’ll call you about dinner.”

“Have fun, Sweetheart,” She said,”I’m really happy you’re getting back out there.”

Ava was already in her seat and buckled when you got to the car. On the ride home you glanced in the rearview mirror to look at Ava and noticed the same car had been behind you for several blocks. You shrugged figuring it was nothing and continued on your way home.

Once you pulled into your driveway and parked, you got Ava out and the two of you headed inside. She immediately started setting up the living room for a movie and game night. Poor Jacob would be kept busy for sure.

You decided it made more sense to get the taco meat cooked up and veggies chopped before getting ready, so you got to work on that while Ava was setting up the living room. She finished before you and came into the kitchen while you were getting everything ready.

“Mommy, can I have a snack?” She asked.

“There are apple slices and grapes in the fridge,”You told her, “Grab a bowl and you can put some fruit in it.”

“OK!” She carefully grabbed one of her bowls from the cupboard on the island and went to the fridge.

Twenty minutes later, all of the food was prepped and the taco meat was finished. You settled Ava on your bed  with her tablet geared up to one of her learning games and you started looking through your closet to decide what to wear.

“Mommy,” Ava said looking up from her tablet, “You should wear the pretty blue dress you wore to Nana and Papa’s party. Andy wears blue lots, I think it’s his favorite.”

“You think so?” You asked, smiling, “I like that dress a lot too. I think I will wear it! Thank you my sweet Monkey!”

She beamed then went back to playing her game as you quickly changed into the dress. It was a short sleeved, chiffon fit and flare dress, simple yet elegant. Most importantly, it was comfortable so you wouldn’t be readjusting it all night. You chose the diamond pendant necklace your parents gave you when you graduated college, and a pair of silver drop earrings to match. Once you were dressed, you went into your bathroom and did your makeup. You decided to leave your hair down, but quickly took the curling iron to it give it a little bounce. Finally you were as ready as you were going to get.

Satisfied with the end result, you finally stepped out of the bathroom.

“You look pretty, Mommy!” Ava said, “Is it almost time for Jacob to come?”

“Almost!” You confirmed, “And thank you, Monkey. Let’s go downstairs, I need to check my phone.”

Ava made herself comfortable on the couch, while you went to your phone. You had several messages from your ex. You chose to ignore them for now. You didn’t want anything to ruin the night with Andy. You had one message from Andy, which you tapped to open.

Andy: We’re leaving now, be there shortly. See you soon. XX

You checked the time stamp and the current time and realized they’d be here any minute.

“Mommy! They’re HERE!” Ava exclaimed, launching herself off of the chair by the window where she’d apparently taken up watch.

“Give them a moment to get to the door, Monkey” You laughed, “Don’t go flying out of the house.”

You started to head to the door to open, but Ava flew past and beat you to the door. She remembered to look back and check that it was OK for her to open the door. Once you’d given permission she quickly pulled the door open. Andy and Jacob were just getting to the door.

“Hi Jacob!” she greeted him, happily, before launching herself at him to hug him. Jacob chuckled, bending down a bit to hug her back.

“Hey Ava!” He replied, “Ready to watch movies, eat junk food and stay up past your bedtime?”

“YES!” She confirmed, “Can you always be my babysitter? Not even Nana and Papa let me do all that!”

“I’m not sure you’re supposed to reveal your master plan while the parents are present, Jake.”  Andy laughed.

“Hi Andy!” Ava said, breaking away from Jacob to hug him, then looking at the button up dress shirt he wore, added, “I knew blue was your favorite color! I told Mommy  to wear the blue dress because she would be pretty and it was your favorite color!”

“Blue is my favorite color,” He confirmed smiling at her, then looking up at you, he said, “And your mommy looks beautiful.”

“Told you, Mommy!” Ava beamed, happy having helped you out.

“You did tell me, Monkey.” You replied smiling, then to Andy said, “You’re looking pretty handsome yourself.”

“Ok, Ava,” Jacob said, playfully rolling his eyes, “Let’s get away from these two.” The pair headed into the living room, Ava already chatting a mile a minute.

“Hey, Sweetheart.” Andy smiled, stepping into the house, and closing the door. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you in close and dropping a quick kiss onto your lips.

“Hi.” You replied, smiling up at him, “Looks like we’ve learned how to clear the kids out of a room.”

“That’s going to be a handy skill to have.” He agreed, laughing. You both made your way into the living room where the kids were.

“Ok, the tacos are all ready to go, although you may want to reheat the meat. There are drinks in the fridge. Ava knows where all of the snacks are. Just make sure she isn’t bouncing off the walls from too much sugar.” You laugh, “There are emergency numbers on the fridge. If you need anything, just call or text.”

“We’ll be fine” Jacob assured you, “I’ve got this. You guys go have fun and don’t worry. We’ll be having too much fun here to even miss you.”

“I’m feeling the love here.” You teased him. “I know you’ll be fine, I’m not worried in the slightest.”

After hugging them both, they pretty much shoved you and Andy out of the house.

Once you arrived at the restaurant, Andy quickly came around and opened your door. He held your hand as the two of you made your way into the restaurant, only separating for him to open the door and then his hand landed on your back, gently guiding you into the building. Once inside, he took your hand in his own again.

You were seated at a semi-private table toward the back of the restaurant. Your waiter took your orders for drinks and then left you to look over the menu.

“This all looks amazing.” You said, “How is anyone supposed to make a decision?”

“I was thinking the same thing” he laughed, “How about we get a variety and we can try it all?”

“That’s a brilliant idea.” You agreed.

The waiter returned with your drinks and you placed your orders. You took a sip of the wine to help calm your nerves. You weren’t nervous around Andy, just being on a date after not dating for over 5 years was causing a little anxiety.

“I haven’t been on a first date since college.” Andy said, as if reading your thoughts. “I have to say, this one is already far better.”

“I haven’t been on any date of any kind since before Ava was born.” You replied, “But I can say with certainty that this one is already better than any date I’d been on before that.”

“Here’s to many more dates together.” Andy said, raising his glass to you. You raised yours toasting.

“And possibly to last first dates.” You said, smiling.

“I’ll definitely drink to that.” He agreed, smiling back at you.

“Ava spent the morning with my parents while I was running errands and according to them she didn’t stop talking about you and Jacob.” You told him. “They offered to keep her tonight but she wasn’t trying to miss out on time with Jacob.”

“I think Jake would have been bummed to miss out on time with Ava too.” Andy said, “I think he really likes having someone look up to him.”

“They’re good for each other.” You agreed, “My mom invited you and Jacob to dinner tomorrow, I told her I’d pass along the invite. It feels weird to say that on a first date. You don’t have to accept, I know it’s really soon.”

“We’d love to.” Andy reassured you, “It might be soon by others’ standards, but I’ve had enough of living by others’ standards. I think we just need to do this our own way.”

“I like the sound of that.” You agree, “We can make our own standard.”

The waiter brought the dishes to the table. You and Andy enjoyed the variety of sushi, trying different kinds. Conversation continued to flow during dinner. It honestly felt like you’d been on many dates by the time you were finished eating.

“I don’t think our kids want us home yet, and I’m not ready for this date to end.” Andy said, “Do you want to go for a walk by the lake?”

“I’d love to.” You said, “I’m not ready to go home yet either.”

After paying the bill, Andy leads you out to where the car is parked. He opens your door for you, and you slide into the passenger seat. He quickly walks around to the driver’s side and gets in. The drive to the lake doesn’t take long and being pretty deserted, it’s easy to find parking. Andy once again comes around to open your door and offers his hand to help you out of the car.

You’re glad you thought to grab the lightweight sweater to wear with your dress. It provides enough cover to where you’re not going to get cold while enjoying time with Andy.

You make your way to the path that leads along the lake, Andy taking your hand in his, your fingers intertwining.

“I’m really enjoying the milder fall weather this year.” You said, “It’s been really nice to be able to be outside longer. I’m hoping it holds through Ava’s birthday before it gets cold.”

“I imagine it would be easier to hold the party outside as opposed to all of those kids inside the house.” He chuckled, “I’ve really loved the weather being so mild too. It allows me to go for walks by a lake with a beautiful woman.”

“Smooth, Mr. Barber.” You laughed, “And yes, holding the party outside would be much less of a headache.”

“I’m only stating facts, Sweetheart.” He smirked, “And whether the party is inside or out, Jake and I can help wrangle kids.”

“That would be most helpful.” You said, smiling.

The two of you continued to walk along the path, stopping when you arrived at a pier. Andy led you to the end where there was a bench and you both sat down, close to one another. He wrapped his arm around you, pulling you in close, and you relaxed into his side.

“I haven’t been this happy or relaxed in a long time.” Andy admitted. “Even before everything exploded with Jake and then after...with the accident… I wasn’t happy. I was trying. I wanted to be happy and to want the life we had, but it felt too forced. I can’t remember the last time I was happy. Meeting you and getting to know you better, has changed everything. I don’t know if I deserve to be happy, but I’m going to hold on to this.”

“You deserve to be happy, Andy.” You said, turning slightly so you could look into his eyes. “I thought I was happy with my ex, I thought I wanted to marry him, but once he walked out when I got pregnant, I realized that I wasn’t actually happy with him. I don’t know that I ever really loved him. Being with you though, makes me happy.”

His hand comes up to cup your face, his head lowering to yours. His lips connected with your own, his beard rubbing against your face. His tongue licked at the seam of your lips, asking for entry. You allowed him access, your own tongue snaking out to meet his. The kiss deepened, he pulled you closer into him, your arms wound around his middle. You continued to kiss until you finally had to break apart for air. His hand stayed cupping your face, his thumb brushing against your kiss swollen lips.

“Maybe we should have had your parents keep Ava,” Andy teased, his voice husky, “We could have continued this without a curfew.”

“Maybe next time,” You smiled, “Depriving Ava of Jacob wouldn’t have won you any points.”

“I wouldn’t want that.” He agreed, “I need her on my side.”

“I think you’re good on that front.” You assured him.

“As much as I would love to stay out here with you, we should probably start to head back.” Andy said, reluctantly.

“We probably should.” You agreed.

You walked back towards his car hand in hand. On the drive back to your house, Andy kept your hand in his own, driving one handed.

Once you arrived back at your house, Andy parked and came around to you. This time when he helped you out of the car, he pulled you into him and kissed you again.

“I can definitely get used to that.” You said, smiling.

“Me too.” He said. “Shall we head in to see what the kids are up to?”

You nodded, turning to head to the front door. As you turned, movement caught your eye on the street. You turned your head to investigate and felt your stomach drop. In the street light, you were able to see the same car that you’d thought had been following you yesterday. With the light, you were able to see the driver.

“Andy” You said shakily, “It’s him. That’s my ex in the car.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, turning quickly to see the driver before he drove off down the street.

“Yes.” You confirmed, “I think he followed me yesterday too.”

“Let’s go inside.” He said, guiding you up to the door.

@nickysurfer28  @waywardodysseys​ @thesecretlifeofdaydreamss​

[keeptheotherone]

Mecation: Day 1 

Thursday

I once read social media described as an indulgence of the fantasy that others are interested in the details of our lives. I’m indulging in that fantasy this week by blogging about my Mecation under the guise of travel blogging ;)

If you follow me in even the most casual way, you know I’m a nurse. While I’ve enjoyed the vast majority of my 23 years as such, I don’t recommend it during a pandemic. The last 18 months have been the second-worst mental health period of my life, demoted to that position not because of the mildness of my symptoms but simply because at 15 I didn’t have the experience or perspective to realize my life was not, in fact, ruined forever.

COVID increased my personal vulnerability as a high-risk patient and made my job immensely more difficult in countless ways both small and large, but the worst part of the pandemic for me (so far) is it took away all my coping mechanisms precisely when I needed them most. Massage, pedicures, dinner out with friends, travel ... all gone practically overnight. Pre-COVID I travelled all the time--home to my parents’, long weekends by myself (Mecation!), annual visits to BFFs, conferences, tourism, the beach, my birthday, writing trips, international trips ... I always had at least one trip in the works, usually one booked and one (or more!) in the planning stages. 

When COVID started, all my close friends and family except for two lived out of state. One of those two was out of town but close enough to get together, but the other was a few hours’ drive away. I’m single and live alone; it was the most isolated I’ve ever been in my whole life. 

With my bestest friends over 500 miles away, I still feel that way sometimes. I haven’t seen them in a year. If it weren’t for COVID, it would only be 7 or 8 months (I’ve gone every January or February since ... forever). Then again, if it weren’t for COVID, I wouldn’t have been there last September; one had been hospitalized and I needed to see she was all right with my own two eyeballs. I expect it will be at least another 7 or 8 months before we get together again, bringing the total to about 20 months. One year we saw each other 5 times in 9 months, our personal best since college. 

I was alone on Christmas. Oh, I’ve spent December 25th on my own before; I’m a nurse. I’ve worked the night of the 24th or the 25th (or both), or whatever combination that didn’t leave enough time off to drive home. But I’ve never spent the Christmas season without my parents. Sometimes the week before, sometimes the week after, sometimes at my place instead of home, but always together. But last Christmas COVID was raging, the vaccines had just come out but were only available to first responders (I got mine on the 23rd), and my elderly parents didn’t feel safe to travel. So I spent Christmas without family.

Travel was not just a break from my daily routine and the stress of nursing; in many ways, the biggest benefit travel made to my mental and emotional health was giving me something to look forward to.  Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” and ohhh, I was so heartsick last year! Not being able to travel meant I couldn’t visit my best friends of almost 25 years (more than half my life!). Not being able to travel meant I couldn’t lean on my dad or be hugged by my mom. Not being able to travel--and not knowing when I could travel--left this gaping hole in my future, and I had nothing to fill it with. 

I tell you this not to throw a pity party but to explain the significance of the trip I’m on right now. It is only my third this year: my dad and I spent a week in the mountains in February (my depression and anxiety was so bad then that was treatment, not vacation), I took a friend to the beach over my birthday, and now I’m a couple hours from home at a nice spa hotel. (I’m not counting my nephew’s graduation, which was emotionally challenging for multiple reasons, or helping a friend move from Florida. Moving is never fun.)

I started planning this trip in the spring ... May, maybe? You know, after the vaccine rolled out to everyone and case counts were dropping and it looked like we were gonna lick this thing and have a quasi-normal summer by the Fourth of July (yes, I’m American. That date is a proper noun here.). I had switched jobs in November (don’t ask) and gone on mental health leave December 29th, so I felt I owed it to my unit to put in about six months of work before taking any significant time off, especially since I came back at 24 hours instead of 36. That meant September.

I knew what I wanted to do: 4 or 5 days at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. I’d been before and loved the freedom of not worrying about every little expenditure (what can I say, I’m cheap), and a few days of Vitamin Sea sounded perfect.

Then came Delta.

All right, maybe going out of the country isn’t the best idea, I thought. Don’t want to end up with expensive reservations and then your destination closes to Americans, or you make it to your chosen island but can’t get back home. But I didn’t want to fly (ugh, airports!), I didn’t want to drive (rest stops and restaurants and gas stations), and while I thought about taking the train, it didn’t seem much of an improvement (and maybe a downgrade) on flying.

Then a friend mentioned a sleeper car, and I thought yes! That could work! I’ve never been to New England, I want to go to Boston, that area of the country has low case rates and the highest vaccination rates, this has potential! 

Then I looked at the CDC map. There were only four states that didn’t have high transmission at that time (early August, I think; I’d had to wait for confirmation that my time off had been approved): Michigan, Rhode Island, Maine, and New Hampshire. All four had substantial rates of transmission. Hardly ideal, but one thing I’ve learned this year is sometimes you have to make compromises to protect your mental health. It is true it doesn’t matter if you’re happy if you’re dead; it is also true it doesn’t matter if you’re safe if you want to kill yourself. (I’m not suicidal, I am receiving treatment, don’t anybody panic.)

So, now I’ve settled on Maine or New Hampshire by train via sleeper car (Michigan is too far for a 4-5 day trip and RI--meh). Well, as I got deeper into planning, turned out Maine or NH were awfully far too. Far enough I would have to overnight in a major city, which pretty much defeated the purpose of isolating in a sleeper car. Then I found out there were no sleeper cars on either train route.

So, now vacation is 5 weeks away and I’m back at square one. The Deep South, Texas, and Florida are imploding. Pediatric cases are rising--kids are sicker and make up a higher percentage of cases than they did last year. Scuttlebutt from my ICU colleagues is it’s bad--17/30 MICU beds are COVID and they’re all vented. SICU is being nicknamed “the ECMO unit.” The hospital has 18(!) ECMO machines and 12 are in use; the float nurse who tells us that didn’t even know we had 12 because she’s never seen that many in use at one time. Hospital-wide our numbers are equivalent to early February (we peaked in January). There were six--SIX--pediatric rapid responses in one day. 

And I’m going to travel.

It’s a big deal ... a big accomplishment, really, because of what it says about how I’m successfully managing my anxiety. April 1 was the first time I’d been inside a grocery store in more than a year ... and that wasn’t my idea. It was late April or May before I was comfortable eating in restaurants, even with the falling case count at the time. I’m still not sure if I’m managing my anxiety or reacting to the pressure by going to the opposite extreme (I have a history of that), but I know I’m less stressed, less anxious, have fewer obsessive thoughts, fewer physical symptoms, and am learning to live with this disease. 

So, here I sit at a marble-topped 5-foot-wide desk in my queen/queen hotel room at the end of a productive and enjoyable day. I slept in, completed the big goal of this weekend’s to-do list that I honestly thought would take several days, unpacked and organized my room (I arrived yesterday evening), reorganized my Favorites Bar and Bookmarks on my Mac, had an 80-minute aromatherapy massage, enjoyed a shower in the spa afterwards and even blow-dried my hair(!) before wandering around for a while to get the lay of the land and get some steps in (this place is huge!). Then I changed clothes and took myself out to dinner for my favorite food, Italian. 

That’s me in the picture up top, all dressed up :) Actually, I probably look pretty normal to y’all; like most people with depression, my personal hygiene sunk to new lows in the last year and a half, and as a low-maintenance person to begin with, that’s saying a lot. I bought that necklace as a bridesmaid and am not sure I’ve worn it since; this spring was her 10th anniversary. Yesterday I took out the cat-shaped earrings Dad gave me for Christmas. (Yes, they were gross. Yes, I cleaned them. Yes, I’m wearing them again now.) Just wearing a nice top, fixing my hair (no ponytail or claw-clip bun, my staples), and adding jewelry was a big deal ... especially since “no one” was going to see me. I did it just for me, to make myself feel good. And I did. (That’s another small pleasure COVID took away from me--lip gloss. If I wore any makeup at all, it was lipstick or gloss. Utterly pointless when you’re masked whenever you’re in public.)

I took my laptop to dinner and edited a couple chapters of my new Charlie/Amy fic (previewed during #ktoo turns 10), ran a couple errands, and headed back to the hotel since I don’t like to be out late by myself in an unfamiliar city. Forgot I put my receipt envelope in the backseat pocket and reorganized the glove compartment looking for it, then gathered a bunch of returns into a bag in the trunk. Hung out writing in the lobby until my Mac threatened to die, came upstairs and tidied up, put on my jammies, and talked to you guys :) 

[arsonistslut]

Suddenly...Liu woke up. His face didn't feel like it was burning anymore, and the sunshine that flowed into his room was starkly different from the darkness of the room he was just attacked in. It wasn't just that, though, everything around him seemed to be in a sort of dreamy haze. He was about to stand when his brother burst in the room. Liu nearly jumped out of his skin, quickly realizing that the scars that riddled Jeff's body before were totally gone. Was everything from before just a dream?

"Wake up, bro! You're gonna be late for school!"

All he could do was just stare at Jeff, confusion riddling his face.

"You alright, man?"

"..Y-Yeah, I'm fine!"

Liu rushed out of his bed and began preparing for school as his brother waited downstairs, rushing down as well once he was ready and walking into the kitchen, expecting the same wordless room where his parents usually were in the morning. Carla looked over at her son and smiled as she ruffled his hair.

"Good morning, you two!"

"Mornin' mama!"

Liu thought something was deeply wrong. His brother was never this jovial, and their parents barely ever talked to them in the slightest, and that was for 15 years! Was..was that all a bad dream? Was all that Sully shit a bad dream, was Jeff getting set on fire a bad dream? When him and his brother got to the school bus, Jeff sat next to one of the other kids, and Natalie sat next to Liu.

"Hi, handsome!~"

"Hey, Nat! How are you?"

Liu was thankful that at least she didn't change.

"I'm doing really well, my dad's recently gotten arrested, so now I'm living with my grandma, she's a sweetheart!"

"O-Oh, that's great!"

"Hey, did you hear about Jeff's new girlfriend?"

"No, he never told me! What's her name?"

"Cassie! I'm gonna be honest, those two are the cutest. They're such sweethearts, they're practically made for each other!"

"That's wonderful!"

Liu then looked outside the window..he couldn't help but wonder how he'd just realized this, but it was such a beautiful day outside! The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, days like this came practically once every century in New Orleans. Maybe everything from before really was just a bad dream.

A delighted giggle came from Sully as he watched Liu go about his day in the world he'd so carefully crafted for him in his head.

"Finally safe..safe from the horrors that would taint your pure soul."

Nina boredly flipped through the late night channels, sighing as she wasn't able to find anything that interested her. It was far past her bedtime, and her eyelids were getting heavy, so when a particularly eye-catching news report showed up, it grabbed her attention right away.

"And now, we turn to New Orleans, which has been the site of a brutal massacre tonight, as 7 people have been recently found brutally murdered over the course of an hour. Police are not releasing any names of the victims, but they have apprehended a suspect who they believe is the killer, 17 year old Jeffrey Woods was recently arrested after having set the house of Bruce and Aurora Arkansas on fire. The lone survivors of this horrible night are reportedly one individual, along with the daughter of Bruce and Aurora. Liu Woods, Jeffrey's brother, has gone missing, if you have any information regarding where he may be, please contact the police. We do have footage of Jeffrey's arrest, but be warned, it may disturb some viewers."

The TV then showed footage of a group of police officers surround a pale teenager, his whole body caked in blood. Jeffrey shrugged and laid his knife down on the ground, placing his hands behind his head and allowing the police to arrest him. As he was led to the back of a cruiser, Jeff looked into the camera.

"You win some, you lose some, I guess."

The TV then cut back to the clearly shaken reporter.

"We'll provide more information as it comes to us. IN other news.."

Nina shut her TV off, a wide smile growing on her face. She couldn't quite place her finger on it, but she related to Jeff. What was keeping someone like her from going on a rampage like that...? Snatching her laptop off her desk, Nina quickly logged onto 4-Chan and started a thread. She pondered over what to call it, then typed in an adequate name.

"Jeff's Killers."

Chapter 19: "Nothing but pure evil"

"Jeffrey..do you feel even the slightest bit of guilt for your actions?"

Woods had shown no shame throughout his trial. No guilt or remorse for his actions. He sure as shit wanted to, but when the judge asked him that question, he couldn't restrain the smile that came to his face as he remembered how good it felt to plunge his knife into his father's head, how good it felt to snap Troy's neck, how good it felt to drop that match. Besides, wasn't Zalgo right? This was going to keep happening until he died.

"I don't. They all deserved what they got. Besides, I didn't have any other choice."

Silence followed his words. Some gasped, some began to sob, some just laughed in amazement, but most of the courthouse was silent.

"Jeffrey Woods..you are nothing but pure evil. This court finds you guilty of all charges, and sentences you to death."

The judge forced back tears and pointed toward the door.

"Get him out of here.."

Woods was led away by a pair of policemen, and the courtroom cheered as he was led away.

"And then, my sentence got reduced to life in prison, and now..here we are, doctor."

"I see.."

Dr. Oborn wrote down more notes in his clipboard, before looking back up at his patient.

"Doc..can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Jeffrey."

"...Was that judge right? A-Am I just..evil?"

"While murder is a horrific crime, and many people do seem to see you as nothing more than a psycho who killed for fun, I've spoken with you for over a year now, and I don't believe you to be evil. After what you've told me, I now know that your condition was likely caused by the trauma you referred to earlier."

"..Doc, I.."

Jeff let out a burst of relieved laughter, almost tearing up from joy at the doctor's words.

"You h-have no fuckin' clue how much that means to me! I..I thought I was a lost cause for the longest time..I-I mean, people don't feel happy when they kill someone, y'know?"

"You're not a lost cause, by any means. We've made incredible progress today, and I believe that you will be able to comfortably integrate back into society soon enough. Although, I am confused by one thing."

"What?"

"..How did you know about the things that happened after your hospitalization?"

"Zalgo showed me."

"Zalgo? Who is that?"

"Zalgo is the reason I believe in the afterlife. Apparently, it's a medical miracle I even survived the incident at the party, let alone heal so quickly that my body's now one big lump of scar tissue. Zalgo helped me to survive."

"This is the first time you've mentioned this.."

"Demon."

"Demon to me. You have previously stated your beliefs in Leveyan Satanism, so is this a sort of..representation of the devil?"

"No, the devil isn't real. Zalgo is. Look, can we t-talk about something else?"

Dr. Oborn placed one of his hands on Jeffrey's shoulder, growing concerned due to his growing..worry, almost.

"Is everything alright, son?"

"I...didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

"Nightmares, again?"

"No, I saw things, doctor..I've seen how this world will end."

"You've seen the apocalypse, you say?"

Jeffrey then just shook his head, something he feared he would do suddenly worming it's way into his brain unannounced.

"Jeff..are you having intrusive thoughts?"

"I..I don't want to hurt you, you don't deserve it.."

"Nothing will happen to me, son. I'll be just fine!"

"You..you sure?"

"I'm positive."

"Thank you, doctor.."

"Of course-"

Dr. Oborn was pleasantly surprised when Jeff reached across the table and hugged him, but didn't hesitate in hugging his patient back.

Chapter 20: A new terror

"Listen, man, I know what I saw! Some lanky motherfucker was running around my backyard, and wearing a white hoodie! They didn't catch Jeff The Killer, he's still fucking running-"

Carlos Kennedy changed the channel of his radio, confused as to how someone could genuinely believe that it was a good idea to log onto a radio show, ramble about how you believed a convicted killer was still able to run around your backyard, and think you'll be taken seriously. His attention to that was quickly interrupted by seeing a person lying near the road, face down. The good Samaritan quickly stopped his car and got out, rushing over to the seemingly unconscious person that was lying in a ditch.

"Hello?! A-Are you-"

A knife to Carlos's throat quickly cut him off, blood spraying out of his wound. The girl who stabbed him lifted his corpse off the decoy, a teenager in a white hoodie and a somewhat poorly made, but nonetheless effectively scary Jeff The Killer mask.

"Good work, Jethro."

"All I did was sit here, but thanks, Nina."

This was the first recorded murder committed by Jeff's Killers, after a year of just being a bunch of teenagers hanging out in an abandoned house where a bunch of patricide took place.

[rhysismydaddy]

Prompt- Nesta is an ER nurse and Cassian comes in one night bloodied from a bar fight. After she tends to his wounds that night he keeps finding (harmless) ways to hurt himself as an excuse to go back to the ER and see her.

UGH I love this so much thanks for the ask!

______________________________________________________________

Nesta ran down to the ER bay she was on call for, another one of the nurses filling her in. “Male, twenty-eight years old. BAC of 0.09%. Large laceration across his torso.”

Wonderful.

Basically, some idiot had gotten drunk and cut himself open slicing a Turkey. This type of crap was common around Thanksgiving, which was yesterday. People got drunk because of annoying family members, and it ended with an ER full of injuries. 

Shaking her head, she continued down the hallway, coming to a sliding stop in front of the closed curtain.

Bracing herself for the dramatic screams and groans, she whipped it open.

Only the man sprawled on the hospital bed was definitely not screaming in pain. He was singing Christmas songs at the top of his lungs, making suggestive gestures at the nurse who was trying in vain to take his vitals.

He was also stupidly handsome, but she ignored that fact and grabbed his chart. “Mr. Nezarra?”

His golden eyes swung to hers, and he grinned. “It’s Cassian to you, beautiful.”

Oh, good Lord.

She nodded to the other nurse, and she gave her a grateful look as she sped out of the room. “I’m going to take a look, okay? Stay still.”

“Whatever you say.”

Nesta reached to lift his shirt, and he gave her a sly smile. “Are you trying to take advantage of me, nurse?”

“Yes,” she lied. “Now shut up and let me.”

He made a dramatic mouth-zipping motion before flopping back on the bed. “I feel like you should at least tell me your name before you ravage me mercilessly.”

Fighting a smile, she replied, “I’m Nesta. Stay still, please.”

She lifted his shirt up more to get a better look at the injury. It needed stitches, but it wasn’t surgical. A suture kit was next to the bed, so she grabbed it and started to clean off his torso. “I’m going to numb the area, alright?”

He nodded and started to sing Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.

Trying in vain to block out his off-key shouts, she cleaned the needle and made sure she had enough sutures. Then she started to sew him up, the motion practiced and smooth. He stopped singing to glance down at her and watch.

“How did this happen, exactly?”

The patient sighed dramatically. “Well, I don’t like Thanksgiving much. So I went to Jackies--that’s the bar over on third. And someone started talking shit about... well, I don’t remember, but I didn’t like it.”

She raised an eyebrow, and he reached over to poke it indignantly, making her chuckle.

“Anyway, we started to fight.” Made sense, considering he had a huge bruise on his jaw, too. “And then the asshole swung at me with a broken bottle! Seriously! It was like something out of a movie. I’m lucky to be alive, baby.”

Nesta scoffed at the little pout on his handsome face. The injury looked bad, sure, but it wasn’t deep. It would heal after a few weeks.

“Sure, sure,” she mumbled back, concentrating on her work.

It wasn’t deep, but it did extend almost all the way across his stomach. His stomach that was heavily muscled and home to an... eight pack. Eight? Was that normal?

“You’re pretty,” he told her in a serious tone.

She rolled her eyes. It was beyond normal for drunks to hit on her, considering she worked the night shift. “Thank you.”

“You don’t believe me? I’ll prove it to you.” He paused to consider that. “Well, when I’m sober I’ll prove it to you.”

“Mmhm. We have about four stitches left.”

He nodded, then started to sing again, but he didn’t know the lyrics, so it was more like loud humming. When she was done, she put a wide bandage on it, pulled his shirt down, and patted his stomach.

Big mistake, considering it allowed her to feel all sixteen of his abdominal muscles.

“Nesta, if you’re gonna feel me up, might as well move your hand a little lower and get to the good stuff,” he chastised with a smirk.

She pulled her hand back and glared. “Go to sleep. We’ll discharge you in the morning.”

“I do discharge in the morning. Why? Do you want to watch or something? Weirdo.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose as she walked away. “Go to sleep.”

“You want to sleep with me?” he shouted, putting a hand on his forehead dramatically. “How inappropriate! But I’ll sacrifice and do it. You, I mean.”

Nesta had the feeling he wasn’t nearly as drunk as he’d been a few minutes ago thanks to the bag of liquid attached to his arm. Rather than respond and give him something else to twist, she just shook her head and closed the curtain between them.

~

Yanking it open the next morning, she had to put a hand on her mouth to stifle her laughter. The patient was sprawled across the cot, shirtless, holding a pillow to his chest like a baby.

She grabbed his chart to update his vitals, finding them all normal. “Good morning, Mr. Nezarra,” she said softly to wake him up.

“Call me Cassian,” he mumbled, pulling his pillow over his head. It was childish, but it gave her a good view of his stomach. She lifted the bandage up, satisfied with how the stitches looked.

“Well, Cassian, you’re all good to go. Here are your discharge papers.” She handed him a thick folder full of crap he had to sign.

He pulled the pillow off his head, eyes going wide when he spotted her. “Holy fuck, who are you?”

“I’m your nurse, Nesta. I stitched you up last night. You don’t remember?”

Cassian shook his head, making his curly hair bounce around his face.

Just to get him back for last night, she decided to tease him. “Well, don’t you know how to make a girl feel special? One minute you’re singing all these lovely songs to me and trying to get me to sleep with you, the next you don’t even remember me. Gah!”

She tossed the papers on his tan chest and left the room with a laugh.

Only to be stopped by a large hand grabbing her wrist and pulling her around directly into said tan chest.

“I’m sorry I don’t remember last night, gorgeous, but why don’t we make it a morning I won’t forget?”

A little laugh escaped her. “I’m at work. And even if I wasn’t, no.”

“Let’s go get breakfast,” he said, ignoring everything she’d just said.

Nesta noticed she was still pressed against his chest and took a step away. “I am at work,” she repeated, enunciating every word.

“Fine. When do you get off?”

About thirty minutes from now. “Not for a while. You should go.”

His golden eyes narrowed on hers suspiciously. “If that’s what you want. I’ll see you later.”

With that, he turned and strode down the hallway. Still shirtless. Even though he was completely ridiculous and borderline aggressive with his advances, she was a little sad to see him go. It had been forever since she’d been flirted with, even longer since she’d had the desire to flirt back.

Oh, well.

She could leave soon though, thank the gods above. Working the night shift paid well, but it was freaking exhausting. The desire to go back to her crappy apartment and get a couple hours of sleep was overwhelming. 

~ 

Twelve hours later, she strolled to the nurse’s station, getting a weird look from the nurse she was relieving. “Patient for you in bay 4.”

“Why didn’t you-”

“Wouldn’t let me touch him. Asked for you by name.”

Eyebrows raised, she walked over and pulled the curtain back, a smile pulling on her lips when she saw who it was. 

“Fucking finally,” Cassian said happily. “I’ve been here for like four hours.”

He was sitting sideways on the cot, back against the wall, legs swinging off the bed. Since the last time she’d seen him, he’d taken a shower and changed into jeans and a dark t-shirt.

“What are you doing here? I seem to remember discharging you this morning.”

Her patient slid off the bed and lifted his shirt, drawing her eyes back to the hard planes of his stomach. “Popped a stitch.”

Nesta narrowed her eyes, coming closer to run a hand over the injury. From the way his eyes glinted, he was enjoying himself a little too much. “How?”

“I pulled it out.”

Her eyes snapped back up to his. “What? Why would you do that?”

“I wanted to see you again.”

“Mr. Nezarra-”

“Cassian.”

“-this is completely inappropriate, not to mention a total waste of medical supplies.”

He smiled down at her, and she noticed her hand was still on his stomach. “I’ll stop if you agree to have dinner with me.”

Oh good gods. The man was completely irrational. And possibly deranged. 

“Do I need to call for a psych consult?” she asked, only partially kidding. “You can’t purposefully injure yourself as a way to get me on a date with you!”

Cassian shrugged. “Well, it seems to be working, so yes I can.”

“It is not working. I’ll fix this,” she tapped the torn stitch, “then you’re leaving. And not coming back unless you have a serious, non-self-inflicted injury!”

He tsked. “So stubborn. But fine, it that’s what you want.”

Nesta nodded, motioning for him to sit back on the bed. Gathering a suture kit, she tried to put on a calm face. Why was he so insistent on getting her to go out with him? Was it because she was probably the one person to reject him?

And why had she done that in the first place, anyway?

She didn’t have any plans for weeks and couldn’t remember the last time she’d been on a date. Or had sex. 

That thought had her blushing slightly as she started suturing his cut. 

“Nurse Nesta, you’re blushing,” he pointed out like the jackass he was. 

“No, I’m not.”

A finger ran down her cheek. “Oh, yes you are. And I like it. A lot.”

“I’m sure you do,” she muttered back. Finishing quickly, she put another bandage on it, then leveled a look at him. “You better not pull one of those out again.”

“I like it when you boss me around.”

She rolled her eyes, pulling his shirt back down. “I’m serious. Now get out of here.”

After giving her a mock salute, he slid off the bed and pulled the curtain back. 

“Just go out with me,” Cassian asked. More like pleaded. 

Nesta shook her head, not sure why she did it. 

He turned to leave, and she frowned. Why did she have to be so damn stupid? If she were normal, she’d jump at the chance to go out with a guy that looked like him. 

Not to mention he was funny, and tall, and muscley. 

Maybe that was it. 

Yes, because that made sense. Don’t go out with him because he’s too attractive. 

Rolling her eyes at her own stupid brain, she went back to the nurse’s station. She could probably get a few hours of paperwork in, since it seemed to be a slow night. And when the other night nurse got here, she might even be able to take a nap in the on-call room. 

That was exactly what she was doing when someone burst into the room. “Nesta! Patient for you!”

“Can you take care of it?” she asked, face still smushed in her pillow. 

The woman shook her head. “He’s asking for you.”

A growl Nesta wasn’t exactly proud of slipped out of her. “Let me guess. Male, twenty-eight years old, ridiculously large and attractive?”

“Yep.”

“Tell him I’m not taking care of his stitches! He can bleed to death for all I care!”

The nurse looked at her like she’d lost her mind. “Nesta! You took an oath!”

Figuring she was awake now anyway, she rolled out of bed with a huff. “I’m going to Kevorkian him myself,” she muttered as she walked to where she knew Cassian was waiting, ignoring the shocked look of her partner. 

Foregoing greetings, she practically yelled, “I told you not to pull your stitches out!”

“I didn’t,” Cassian said calmly, arms crossed over his broad chest. Gods, the man looked good. He’d put on dark jeans, boots, and a white button-up shirt that made him look even tanner. “And, to be specific, you said, I could only come back if I had a ‘serious, non-self-inflicted injury.’ Which I do.”

“Fine. What’s wrong with you then?”

“Popped a stitch,” he told her proudly, already unbuttoning his shirt. 

“It’s not non-self-inflicted if you pull them out yourself, you jackass!”

“First of all, that’s not very professional language,” he scolded with a grin. “Second, I didn’t pull them out. I got my friend to. Ergo non-self-inflicted.”

“Oh, don’t you ‘ergo’ me.”

His smile got even wider. “Already did. Why so grumpy this morning?”

“I was asleep.”

“Ah, not a morning person then?” When she shook her head, his smile turned to a smirk. “Bet I could change that.”

“You’re a disgusting little pervert, Mr. Nezarra,” she told him, fighting a smile. 

He made a very offended expression. “I was talking about buying you breakfast. Who’s the pervert now?”

Smiling softly, she quickly fixed his torn stitch, then re-bandaged it. “If you rip this, I’m going to freaking strangle you.”

“Then come have breakfast with me. I know you get off in like twenty minutes.” Before she could ask, he said, “I bribed the lady at the desk.”

“I’m going to file a complaint against her,” she muttered, not mad at all. 

He slid off the cot, leaving his shirt open. Probably to distract her. Or hypnotize her.

“Come have breakfast with me. I think I’m going to have to take drastic measures if you reject me again.” 

His tone was soft, playful. And she knew if she really asked him to leave her alone, he would. But... there was no real reason she could think of to send him away. And even though part of her that was home to her commitment issues screamed at the possibility of going on a date, she found herself wanting to go. 

So she said, “I’d hate to break my oath. Let’s go.”

[imagines--harrystyles]

I would literally die if you make an imagine where Harry meets a girl on a M&G and they barely have time to talk so the girl asks him to have a coffee with her and so he agrees. Then she invites him to go to her favourite places (like a lighthouse) and they get to to some of her favourite things(watch romcoms films) together in those 3-4 days Harry has between concerts and he surprises her with tickets for an a Ed sheeran concert (her favourite artist) and they kissed and skdjejwjaejrjejseur🌹

—-

You had been looking forward to this day for months. You still felt like it was too good to be true, like something would have to go wrong and you wouldn’t be able to meet Harry after all this time. You had it all planned out- what you would wear, what you would say to him. You’d had it planned out for weeks of course. And today was finally the day.

Although you wished your best friend would be able to come with you, you were only able to snag one meet and greet ticket so you would have to go alone. It didn’t bother you too much, though. You still were going to meet Harry Styles today.

Waiting in line to meet him felt almost unbearable; you just wanted to sprint past everyone and run into his arms and hug him forever. But you knew that would get you kicked out so you had to wait patiently, even though you were one of the last people in the line. After what felt like a day of waiting, you finally could get a glimpse of him as you made your way closer and closer to the table where Harry was sitting. His smile was bright and his eyes were brighter and you couldn’t believe how beautiful he was. Your hands began to shake as only five people remained in front of you, then four, three, two-

“Sorry everybody, we’re running behind schedule and Harry needs to be on his way to his way out of here in the next couple of minutes,” a large man standing next to Harry announced loudly. “Harry, we need you to just say hi to these last few folks and then we gotta go,” the man told Harry sternly. There were only a couple other people behind you and the disappointment that filled the room was almost audible.

“So sorry guys, I really appreciate you all coming here today,” Harry told you all with a genuine look of guilt. He came forward and hugged the two people remaining ahead of you and finally he embraced you for a short two seconds as the man began to usher him out.

“Wait!” You yelled as he turned away. Harry quickly turned back towards you, his eyebrows threaded in concern. “I’m sorry, I just have waited so long for this and I didn’t even get to talk to you, is there any chance you would meet me for coffee later when you have time?” You asked in a small voice, amazed at your sudden confidence. 

Harry glanced at the man next to him who gestured for him to head towards the door. “I can do that,” Harry smiled at you and agreed to meet you at a local coffee shop the next morning. 

“Thank you,” you breathed, feeling like you were in a dream and hoping with everything you had that he would actually show. Harry nodded his head, the smile still spread wide across his face, as the large man all but dragged Harry out of the room.

You let out a breath you didn’t realize you had been holding, realizing how much your hands were shaking now. A smile crept onto your face as you began to walk towards the exit, feeling as if you were in a dream.

–

You slept a total of maybe two hours that night with the anticipation of possibly grabbing a coffee with the Harry Styles the next morning. As excited as you were, you couldn’t help but feel like he wouldn’t show. He was a super busy pop star after all, so busy that he didn’t even have time to finish the meet and greet with you yesterday, so how would he have time to grab a coffee with you today?

Either way, you put on your second best outfit (you wished you hadn’t wasted your best one on the brief meeting the day before) and headed out the door. The coffee shop was only a 10 minute walk from your house. You told yourself you’d walk slowly as you left half an hour prior to the time you agreed to meet, but it wasn’t until you reached the coffee shop that you realized you had made it there in record time. You decided to scope out the place and chose an intimate booth towards the back where you would wait for Harry. Harry Styles. It still felt surreal.

Half an hour passed, and then another 20 minutes passed. The disappointment gradually flooded through you as you decided to tell yourself that this was it, realizing how idiotic it was to think he’d come in the first place. As you stood up and began to grab your things, you heard the bell ring that signaled someone had walked through the door. With a glum look on your face and the disappointment having consumed you, your eyes suddenly met bright and familiar green ones. Tousled brown hair and out of breath, none other than Harry Styles stood before you, a guilty look on his face similar to the one from the day prior when he had to leave the meet and greet early. 

“I’m so sorry I’m late, my meeting this morning ran long and then when we were driving… anyways, I’m here now and I’ve been looking forward to meeting you this morning,” Harry breathed out, a smile forming on his beautiful face.

“I-oh, no, you don’t, it’s totally fine I just am happy to see you,” you stuttered, suddenly forgetting how to breathe. 

Harry walked towards you and stretched out his arm. It took you a moment but realized that he was trying to shake your hand, and you extended yours as you tried to wipe the shocked look from your face.

“What is your name?” Harry asked as he moved to sit in the chair next to the one you had been sitting in as you waited for him. You let out a breath and shakily pulled out the chair next to his as you spent the next two hours talking about anything and everything.

“Wow I definitely am late for something,” Harry sighed as his phone buzzed for what felt like the hundredth time. You were surprised by how annoyed he seemed that his time with you was being interrupted.

“I’m really sorry for keeping you, I didn’t even realize how long we’ve been talking,” you murmured, truly surprised at how much time had passed as you glanced at the time on your phone.

“Time flies,” Harry replied with a grin spreading on his face. “I’m sorry that I have to go, I really enjoyed getting to talk with you. Maybe we could do this again tomorrow…?”

Your face immediately broke into a smile as you realized this dream might continue. “Yeah for sure, I actually have a place in mind we can meet tomorrow,” you replied, trying to hide the excitement in your voice. You were again surprised to find that same excitement mirrored on Harry’s face.

You agreed on a meeting place for the next day and parted ways, a giddiness in both of you that you’d never felt before.

–

After what felt like weeks, the next day came and it was time for you to see Harry again. Standing on the beach where you’d agreed to meet, you couldn’t help but feel this must be some sort of dream. In what world would Harry Styles agree to not only meet you for coffee, but then suggest that the two of you spend more time together? Unreal.

But yet, as you glanced over just past your favorite lighthouse, the gangly and exquisite man who had filled your thoughts for so long appeared as he walked towards you, that same smile spread across his face. Truly unreal.

“Hey there,” he said as he finally reached you, leaning in for a hug. 

“Hi,” you breathed as you embraced each other firmly, as if you were old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years. 

“It’s beautiful,” you heard Harry murmur as you looked down the length of the beach, the sunlight bouncing on top of the turquoise waves. You smiled and looked at Harry to find his eyes intensely focused on you. You looked down, overcome by the intensity of his gaze and the butterflies that suddenly filled your insides. You nodded and started to lead the way towards the light house as Harry followed behind.

“This is one of my favorite places, it makes me feel so calm,” you told him as you both walked along the sand, a look of peacefulness on both of your faces. Harry smiled and you both once again began talking for hours as you strolled along the beach, eventually making your way to your favorite park and walking in between rose bushes. 

–

The next few weeks were spent watching your favorite rom coms with Harry on your sofa. You lit up as you heard him laugh at your favorite parts of He’s Just Not That into You, and your heart melted as you watched tears fall from his eyes at the end of The Notebook. You both were filled with such joy and serenity spending time together, and you hoped it would never end.

You had been to a couple of Harry’s concerts and watched in amazement from backstage as he brought thousands of people to tears as he belt out the words to “Falling”. You were so in awe of this man and still couldn’t believe he would choose to spend so much of his time with you.

He had a couple of days off before his next show and you were excited to spend some more time with him. You didn’t really have anything planned and felt bad that he was this exciting person used to doing exciting things, but all you really had to offer was walks to your favorite places and watching rom coms, not that you didn’t cherish those moments with him. You just felt like maybe switching things up would be a good idea, but you weren’t sure what to do.

“I have something for ya,” you heard Harry murmur as you sat in the back of the car with him following his show. You smiled as he extended his arm, holding two pieces of paper. You took them from him and lit up when you saw what they were- tickets to see Ed Sheeran, your favorite artist (besides Harry of course).

“Backstage passes. He happens to be a friend of mine,” Harry smirked. You couldn’t help but lunge towards him and wrap your arms around his neck. He held you tightly, exhausted and happy, his heart pounding for more reasons than just the adrenaline from performing in front of thousands of people. You leaned back and before you had a chance to thank him, his lips melted into yours, hot and soft and better than you’d ever dreamed. Seconds turned into minutes, and finally Harry pulled back to look at your face. 

Your smile matched his and he kissed the top of your head before pulling you close. He was asleep within minutes, blissful as you held each other, the matching smiles remaining plastered on both of your faces. 

[anogete]

Watch me vomit up my thoughts

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  I’m sorry I’ve disappeared on everyone.  It’s been... a year.  I think that probably goes for everyone, not just me.  If you’re interested in a personal life update, then read on.  If you’re looking for an update on my writing then I regret to inform you that I haven’t written a single thing this year.  Maybe next year, though.  There is always next year, right?  I think I saw a blurb that we’re getting Sam and Bucky back in March.  And Loki shortly after.  Maybe that will be my inspiration.

I’m fortunate enough to have a job that lets me comfortably work from home.  I’m also fortunate enough to own a home.  And my last blessing is that I don’t have kids, so I didn’t have to figure out the nightmare of childcare and home schooling like some of you.  My library on the second floor of the house has been my office since mid-March.  I’ve been transitioning into the Associate Financial Advisor roll this year and that has been going well.  I’m supporting the clients I’ve worked with as an assistant for the past nine years, so it’s been easy-going.  I’m able to order my groceries for pick up to avoid going in the stores and I live in an neighborhood where it is easy to get delivery from restaurants.  I’m incredibly lucky to have all these things going for me and I am thankful every damn day.

I fell into a bit of a funk this spring and early summer, but managed to pull myself out of it in August.  I started planning my meals, walking 2-5 miles every day, and exercising on the Peloton bike I bought a year ago.  I also started reading again and zipped through almost 50 books between June and now.  By November, I was feeling strong and healthy.  I felt like I had found a balance between work and activity and self-care.  I was still coming to terms with my grandma passing in March of last year and with Ferguson (my sweet doggo) passing in September of last year.  But I was trying and things were getting better.  I felt like I had my feet underneath me.

Lemme stop you here if you don’t want to read about death and some general medical stuff.  Because that’s mostly what you’re getting from here on out.

On November 21st, my mom texted me at 5:30am.  I got it right away because I usually wake up around that time, alarm or not.  She said she had dropped my dad off at the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing.  Apparently, he’d been feeling bad for a week, but insisted to everyone that it was just his sinuses draining.  I called her and began questioning her like I was cross-examining a star witness.  I was able to piece together a really fucking shitty story.

My dad always went to a friend’s house on Friday evenings to have a couple beers and hang out.  We’d all warned him since March that he needed to stop, but he insisted it was fine.  He bought into a lot of the cavalier attitude that the Trump fans have over this virus. Plus, he was 64-years-old and didn’t take any medication so he probably thought it was no big deal.  He spent a few hours at his friend’s house on November 6th.  Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, he received a call from that friend on November 11th that the friend and the friend’s wife had tested positive for COVID.  He didn’t share this info with my mother, my brothers, or my uncle, all of whom had been near him.  By November 15th, he was coughing but insisted it was drainage when my mom suggested he take something for it and go to the doctor.  By November 18th, he was worse and admitted to my mom that his friend had tested positive but that he hadn’t seen him for almost two weeks so his problems were just sinus-related and not COVID.  My mom hates confrontation, so she accepted this and didn’t tell anyone, including me and my brothers.  By November 19th, he had a fever and was having trouble breathing along with a persistent cough.  He finally agreed to take some cold medicine, but refused to call his doctor’s office despite my mom asking him many, many times.  At 4:30am on November 21st, he woke my mom and asked her to take him to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe well.  She dropped him off and returned home to text me since they wouldn’t allow her in the building.  She also texted my brothers, who admitted that they felt like they’d had a cold for several days.  I live 4 hours away and haven’t traveled since March, so I hadn’t seen any of them.

A nurse called my mom a couple hours after she dropped my dad off to tell her that he was positive for COVID and pneumonia and they were admitting him to put him on a bipap.  From what I understand, that’s the oxygen mask that pushes air into your lungs.  Later that day, the health department called my mom and told her to quarantine for two weeks.  My mom cooperated and gave them my brothers’ phone number (they live together), my uncle’s phone number, and the name and number of the person we suspected my dad was infected by (his friend).  My brothers opted to get tested and were positive.  They quarantined for two weeks and had mild to moderate symptoms (brief fever, very tired, cough, drainage).  My mom had virtually no symptoms with the exception of some drainage that she took Mucinex for.  She didn’t get tested, but she lived and slept in the same bed with my dad for a week while he was symptomatic.  If my brothers got it from 30 minutes in the same room as him, surely she got it as well.  My uncle and his son got tested, but they were negative.

My dad was cooperative with the doctor and nurses at first, but as the first day wore on he became irritated.  He’d been without his chewing tobacco (yes, I know: eww) for several hours and was going through nicotine withdrawal, but wouldn’t admit that to the nurses or doctor.  The next day he was put in ICU, still on the bipap, and even more unruly and rude to the staff taking care of him.  They called my mom to ask her to talk to him and convince him to cooperate.  They said if he couldn’t recover on the bipap and required a ventilator then “things would be very bad.”  My mom tried to talk to him by text and he just continued to insist that he was well enough to come home.

I used to be close to my dad when I was a kid, but we’d grown apart over my adulthood.  Over the past 20 years, my dad morphed into someone different.  Everyone around him, especially my grandmother, told me they saw this happen the same as I did.  The result was that my dad became someone I didn’t like and didn’t want to spend time with.  He also didn’t seem to know how to talk to me anymore.  To be fair, I didn’t give him much help in that regard.  I texted him to see how he was doing and the conversation quickly devolved into him complaining about the care and insisting he was well enough to come home.  I tried to reason with him and appeal to his love for my mom by saying that my fear was him coming home and giving her the virus.  He told me that he’d decided he was no longer contagious and this was just a bunch of bullshit.  This conversation via text continued through Monday and Tuesday (November 23rd and 24th), but it took a turn for the delusional.  The doctor can only assume that the virus and the lack of oxygen had resulted in hallucinations and delusions.  My dad told my mother and I that he was in an office building owned by a man named Mr. Pritt.  He said he was the only patient and that this man was having his workers experiment on him and that they would eventually kill him.  He demanded that we come get him immediately so he could recover at home.  When we told him he’d die if he came home because he was too sick, he insisted he wasn’t sick at all and became very angry with us.  He accused both my mom and I of conspiring to kill him because we wouldn’t help him.  One day he told me that I’d confirmed what he’d known all along.  I asked him what that was and he said, “That I always loved you more than you loved me.”  This really hurt because even though I knew he was loopy, I also knew that he’d probably actually had that though before.

He began refusing treatment on those days and wouldn’t accept the steroids they were trying to give him and raised hell when they tried to take him for a chest x-ray.  He also told them he didn’t want to be placed on a ventilator even though he had agreed to one when he was admitted.  He was texting all of his friends and telling them he needed a ride home.  He attempted to get up and leave the hospital twice, falling in the floor both times because he was so weak from lack of oxygen once he took the mask off.  He also told my mom and I that he was secretly removing the mask when the nurses couldn’t see to prove to them that he wasn’t sick.  He was taking and sending blurry pictures to us of the room as “evidence.”  He told my mom to forward the pictures to “the feds.”  The pictures were of his hospital bed, the whiteboard with his nurses’ and doctor’s names on it, his IVs, etc.  By the morning of Wednesday, the 25th, I was getting some off-the-wall texts from him.  He was begging us to come check him out of the hospital at that point and we were trying to play along and tell him we were getting everything in order for him to come home soon.  Eventually, he told me that he wasn’t getting out of there alive and that he loved me.  I told him I loved him too and begged him to do whatever the doctor said because the doctor wanted to help him get better.

A few minutes later, the nurse called my mom and asked if she’d been on the phone with my dad.  My mom said she and I hadn’t spoken to him by any way other than text since he arrived at the hospital.  The nurse said he had been on the phone with a woman, trying to convince her to come get him.  The nurse made him put the call on speaker so she could tell the woman that he wasn’t well enough to leave.  Because she was concerned that her message didn’t get through before my dad hung up, she called my mom to make sure he hadn’t convinced my mom to check him out against medical advice.  My mom assured her that we had no intention of breaking him out of the hospital, but she didn’t know who the woman was.  It wasn’t her or me.  We called a long-time former co-worker of my dad’s that I’ve known since I was a kid and she said she hadn’t talked to him.  We called his best friend and asked if he’d called and spoken to the man’s wife.  Not her either.  More on this later.  I’m sure you know where it’s going.

We were stumped, but didn’t have time to deal with it because the nurse practitioner called and told my mom that my dad was delusional and could no longer make his own decisions.  They said he had no chance of survival if they didn’t put him on a ventilator immediately.  My mom called me.  I told her to agree to it.  The nurse called her back and gave the phone to my dad.  He had agreed to the ventilator as well and wanted to tell my mom that he loved her and me and my brothers and his dog.  His speech was slurred and muffled from the bipap mask, but she at least heard that.  They intubated him right after the call.  He was on a paralytic for a week.  When they backed off on the paralytic, they had to increase his oxygen.  A week later, the nurse tried to kindly tell us that he wasn’t getting better and his chances of survival were low.  She suggested we start to talk about turning off the ventilator and letting him go.  We did talk about that, which was very upsetting for everyone, but the doctor said he’d been on the ventilator for two weeks and we’d give him one more week to see what happens.  By this point, he no longer had pneumonia. But the damage COVID did to his lungs couldn’t be repaired.

The ventilator was on full blast (highest pressure, highest oxygen) just to keep him somewhat stable.  The days were ticking by and he still wasn’t making progress.  Any step forward was followed by a bigger step back. My mom would call and get the update from the nurse most days, but I did call myself a few days.  When I’d call and talk to the nurse, I’d get a grim picture that my mom didn’t seem to get or understand. I talked to her on December 12th and asked her if she was trying to protect my brothers and I or if she really thought he was going to get better.  She admitted that she’d had a feeling for days that he wasn’t going to get better.  We decided to just wait for the doctor to call.  The nurse called my mom on Monday, December 14th and told her that my dad’s blood pressure was all over the place and they were struggling to keep him stable, that the ventilator was turned up to the highest settings and it was barely enough to keep him going.  My mom texted me and told me she asked them to call me.  The doctor called me within about 20 minutes and basically told me that my dad wasn’t going to make it.  They’d had him on a ventilator for 19 days and within a couple days his throat tissue would likely become necrotic from the pressure of the cuff keeping the tube in place.  They could only continue the ventilator if they could put in a trach and he wasn’t stable enough for that.  In addition, he needed more support than the ventilator could provide.  I was told he was either going to go into cardiac arrest while on the ventilator and die or they’d be forced to take him off the ventilator because of the damage to his throat.  The most damning thing he told me was that he’d removed the sedation but my dad didn’t wake.  He wasn’t responsive, wouldn’t squeeze their hands, wouldn’t flinch when they tested his reflexes, nothing.

I was told we could come sit with him and say goodbye when the ventilator was removed.  I asked when and the doctor said soon.  I live 4 hours from my parents, so I told him I’d leave right away and have my mom call to make arrangements for me to come to the hospital.  I called my mom and told her all this and asked her to let the hospital know.  I packed a bag and rushed out the door.  On my way out of town, the doctor called me back and asked if I was on my way.  My mom had told them that we’d come by the next morning and he was worried my dad wouldn’t make it through the night.  So, I had to have a shitty conversation with my mom about how we couldn’t schedule my dad’s death for 7am on Tuesday, that it needed to happen at 8pm on Monday.  I do not recommend these types of calls.

I got into town around 7pm and picked my mom up because she’d decided she wanted to come with me.  My brothers said they couldn’t handle it and decided to stay at my mom’s house.  My mom and I were taken to the COVID floor, given gowns, and gloves, told he was COVID positive so we’d need to continue to wear our cloth masks (no medical mask, is that safe?!), and escorted to his room in the ICU.  Guys, he looked so fucking tired and so sad.  It was heartbreaking.  The nurse said their ICU was full and most of the patients were in the same shape as my dad.  We talked to him for a few minutes, held his hand and all that shit.  He didn’t respond in any way, so I don’t know if he was even there.  We stepped out of the room while they removed the tube and gave him some medicine.  When we went back in, his breaths were labored and it looked like he was gasping for air. My mom almost lost it because she wasn’t expecting that.  I told her she could go wait in the hall and I’d stay with him until he passed.  The nurse was kind enough to give him a little more medicine to make it less dramatic, but it was still difficult watching him breathe in that way.  My mom sat so she couldn’t see his head to make things easier on herself.  We sat there with him for about 40 minutes before he passed away at 8:32pm on Monday, the 14th.

I stayed with my mom last week and helped her arrange a private graveside service and the burial.  She wanted to do a funeral and I thought that was the worst idea, so we agreed on doing a celebration of life next year when things are a little better (hopefully).  To my knowledge, I haven’t had the virus.  I operated under the assumption that my mom and brothers had it and were immune for now and wouldn’t transmit it.  So, I was able to be with them without mask, but I did wear a mask when anyone else was around.  I can’t say the same for the fucking funeral director and the locksmith’s employee who opened my dad’s safe for us, though.  I live in a bigger city and mask wearing is pretty wide-spread here, but I saw so many people in my hometown (a more rural area) who didn’t bother with them.

Anyway, while all these graveside preparations are going on my mom goes through the bag of personal items from my dad that the hospital gave us.  She tossed his clothes in the washer and placed his two rings into a bag to give to the funeral home so he could be buried in them.  She also pulled out his wallet and his cell phone.  His wallet has a picture that was obviously cut from an old driver’s license of a woman named Deb.  Apparently, this woman lives in Florida and had attended junior high school with my dad.  About two years ago, my parents took a trip to Florida and visited with her for several days.  She even friended my mom on Facebook.  So, the old driver’s license picture of her was very weird.  What was even more disturbing?  His wallet also contained a plastic bag of hair that very obviously is not my mom’s.  And there was a piece of paper with three phone numbers on it.  His phone was locked with a PIN and was set to wipe itself after 20 incorrect tries.  I did tried to break into it, but wasn’t successful.  My mom admitted that she suspected he’d been talking to someone on his phone for years, but she never directly confronted him about it.  She’d just make comments about him always texting on his phone and being secretive.  Two Christmases ago he bought her a ring at a store that she has an online login to.  This particular store posts the receipts for all purchases linked to the customer’s account to the website.  She saw that my dad had purchased two pieces of jewelry even though she only received one.  My dad has never in his life bought me a Christmas present without my mom assisting, so she knew it wasn’t for me.  She still didn’t confront him, though.  She just told him that she could see the itemized receipts online.

I sympathized with my mom because I’ve experienced the infidelity of a partner in a relationship and if I were her then I’d want to know.  But I also told her that I don’t know digging into it will make things any better and may not even give her the truth.  He’s gone and there is nothing that can be done about that or anything else.  While I was running errands for her the day before the graveside service, she messaged Deb in Florida and asked if she wanted her picture back.  She also called the three phone numbers in his wallet.  One went to Deb.  The other two were the cell phone and work phone of my dad’s best friend’s wife, Anne.  The same friend and wife who likely gave the virus to my dad.  My mom told me when I got back that she’d done this and admitted she’d always felt like my dad was talking to Anne and might have an inappropriate relationship with her.  I suspect my mom is right.  Gut instinct is usually accurate.  She said she didn’t think anything physical was going on with Deb, but she did think my dad was carrying on a flirtatious relationship with her via text.  In both cases, he tried to hide it.  And if you hide it, then you know it’s wrong.  That night Deb messaged my mom back and said she had heard about what happened to my dad and was very sorry.  She said that my dad was always clear that he was married and nothing went on that was inappropriate, but that he gave her someone to talk to when her husband was sick and dying five years earlier and they’d always kept in contact.  Again, I don’t think my mom can count on anyone to give her the full story without spin or deceit.  A couple days ago, she texted me a picture of a receipt from my dad’s truck.  It was from last Christmas from a department store.  It had two pieces of jewelry on it.  She looked them both up using the UPCs listed and found the necklace he gave her last year and a ring she doesn’t recognize.  We don’t know if he was giving this jewelry to Deb in Florida or Anne, his friend’s wife.  Or someone else we don’t even know about.  And we’re probably never going to know.  Do I want to call Deb and Anne and tell them I want to full story?  Fuck yeah.  Do I think it will fix anything?  Fuck no.

TL;DR?  I finally found some balance in my life late this summer.  This balance was destroyed when my dad got COVID and died after three weeks in the hospital.  And when you’ve already got a not-so-great relationship with your dad, you get all kinds of feels when he dies in a traumatic way and then you find out he’s been screwing around on your mom.  I also have lots of anger toward him for knowingly exposing my other family members to the virus simply because he didn’t want to own up to getting it after doing something we’d all told him to stop doing.

Health-wise?  I think I’m okay.  It’s been almost ten days since I was with him in the hospital and seven days since his graveside service.  I haven’t had any symptoms yet and I think most people show symptoms by now.  Regardless, I’ve been at home since I returned last Thursday evening and I intend to stay home until January 2nd.  My boyfriend is also home and will be here until January 2nd as well.  Just to be safe.  My brothers are mostly recovered, but both still have a bit of a cough.  My mom never had much in the way of symptoms and seems fine.  My dad was 64 and overweight.  We found out once he was admitted to the hospital that his regular doctor had told him he was a diabetic and my dad insisted on “treating” that with cinnamon instead of actual medicine.  Other than those things, he didn’t have any health concerns.  Be careful, ya’ll.