#so im really scared and anxious i cant even imagine never talking to him anymore i wanna throw up

[goldpilot22]

idk why but lately ive been feeling like im not trans enough to like. count as trans or lgbt or whatever

[mcuspidey-archive]

bulletproof | t.h. — part one

Pairing: Agent!Tom x Agent!Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Summary: You have one job. Get the evidence and get out. Should be easy enough but with your incredibly irresistible partner in your ear the whole time, it’s a little hard to stay focused.

Warning: A LOT OF DIALOGUE, crime, cursing, angst, major flirting like, did I mention dialogue !!!! 

A/N: COLLAB WITH @thelazypangolin ! This started as a blurb request but I was so inspired and excited about it that I knew it had to be BIG and I couldn’t do it alone. I’m honored to be writing with her and we honestly are having so much fun with it that I’d be shocked if it didn’t turn into an entire series. (That will depend on the feedback we get so please let us know what you think ok?) We are just so proud of this and we really hope you enjoy it ❤️

Your hands reach for the computer that sat in front of you as drops of perspiration trickle down your forehead. You were well aware that the mission would be risky, but your lazy ass hated time-bound tasks enough for you to start stressing out.

Your hand finds the mini USB drive you had stashed in your back pocket earlier and despite it being a minute device, it would be the deciding factor on whether your assignment failed or succeeded.

“Y/N, you sure you can handle this one?” Tom’s voice flows softly through the tiny earpiece.

He was always teasing you and you loved it, but of course would never admit it. Rolling your eyes at the hidden cameras surrounding you, you hear him laugh.

“I can handle anything,” you assure him, a sly smirk spreads across your face. It was true and he knew it. You had only been working together for a few months and he already knew you better than anyone else ever had. You’re strong, the strongest person he knows, and so fearless. It was the reason you were offered the position in the first place because no matter what, you never backed down.

“I know. But are you sure you can stay focused, love? You look so sexy right now.” He tests you and you know he’s busy eyeing the black, skin-tight pants and red leather jacket that were hugging you in all the right places.

“Something tells me that you are the one who's having a hard time focusing, eh Holland?” you chuckle, hiding the underlying anxiety.

“I might be more focused if you dressed more professionally, ya know,” his voice saturates your being, officially distracting you. Though it wouldn't be exactly wrong to say that you did love all the distraction he brought to the job.

“Maybe I’m just trying to show you what you’ve been missing out on,” you say, a little too confidently. You knew you needed to be completely invested in the screen in front of you, but couldn’t help yourself. You dished it right back, only you were better at it and you wished you could see his reactions.

You hear his voice hitch and he lets out a soft groan. “You sure, this is the right time and the right place to show that?”

“Better now than never.” Your fingers tap nervously on all the possible combinations of numbers to unlock the information, yet you manage to let the words glide effortlessly.

“How 'bout after we’re done here?” He says, sending a shiver up your spine as you imagine the gorgeous, uneven grin he most likely had on his face. You gasp dramatically. “Tom Holland, are you asking me out?”

“I might be,” he says and a nervous laugh escapes his lips. It had been months of continuous flirting and ensuing tension between the two of you, and he chose now to do this?

Getting too caught up in him, you enter just enough wrong combinations.

The analogue display immediately sets to 10:00.

“Y/N?”

“I’m fine, it’s just- I may have set off the intruder alert, no big deal,” you try to brush it off. The fact that you made a mistake in the first place was bad enough.

“Y/N, they’re going to be there any minute, most likely armed, do you hear me? Get out!” Panic ringing clearly through his words.

09:00

“I uh-” you glance at the illuminated numbers. “-still have nine minutes. I can do this.” You fake confidence to pacify your partner's concerns but on the inside, you knew that you were fucked, big time.

“No damn it, the moment that clock hits zero, this entire building blows up and all the evidence with be destroyed. You are not going down with it,” Tom was almost yelling through the earpiece, his shrill voice making your already pounding heart beat out of your chest.

“Tom, I have nine-” you correct yourself as your eyes find the blinking red warning once again. “-eight and a half minutes and I can and will make it.”

It would go against the image you had worked so hard to maintain so no, you were not leaving this unfinished. You were given the nearly impossible task of catching these guys. Known to be one of the most dangerous group of criminals and their specialty? Importing stolen money which you were chosen to get proof of on the tiny USB drive now plugged to the computer. It was safe to say that you were scared, a feeling you weren’t familiar with because when it came to what you did for a living, you almost never felt fear. Now with the time still ticking down, 08:00, your nerves threaten to get the best of you.

“Come on, come on,” You urge the data percentage to move faster as it feels like it stays at 43% for hours instead of mere seconds.

Tom was still frantic, his melodic tone that usually calms you down, now builds you up and not in the good way.

“Listen to me, Y/N. Get out right now or I swear I will come in after you,” he scolded seriously and there was no doubt in your mind that he would. But you couldn’t let them get away with this and he was just going to have to trust you.

07:00

“I can’t,” you shake your head, about to say exactly what he didn’t want to hear. “I-I have to see this through, otherwise it’s all for nothing.”

“If they see you, you’re dead. If you hide and that timer stops, you're dead. You might be willing to risk your life but I’m not!” Tom yells again, needing you to just listen to him for once. You could tell he was pacing back and forth and with each step that echoed through the speaker, you felt more anxious and equally annoyed.

“I’m staying, Tom. I’ll be fine. You know I always am,” your wavering tone barely convincing you as you try to ease his frantic heart.

“This is different! Your life's on the line and I refuse to just sit in this damn van and let it happen.” He was trying everything because maybe something he said would change your mind. Or at the very least, his voice. Always calm and smooth as silk somehow, even when he was pissed off. One of his many features that typically made you weak, but right now? It just wasn’t enough.

As much as the situation was testing you, Tom's words weren't making it any better and engulfed with rage, you snap. “My life is always on the line. None of our missions are without risks!”

The deafening sound of Tom's fists slamming on the tabletop fills your ears, making you flinch. “There is no mission if you're dead,” he screamed and you take a deep breath and keep watching the data that was close to 78% now. Any second now.

“Can you hear me, Y/N?” Tom heaves a sigh and you swear you could feel his warm breath calm your nerves. You shut your eyes close and muster the courage to utter at least a single word that wouldn't shatter your hopes anymore.

“Please… Listen to me, I can’t lose you,” Tom's voice is a mere whisper and your heart sinks at the possibility of the inevitable.

Nevertheless, you shake your head and put your fingers to your ear. “Tom, I'll make it. Trust me,” you assure him and swallow harshly as your eyes well up. You never were the emotional one, you had aced the impossible before, but today just happened to be the day when your heart ached and you wished to melt in someone's arms. Tom's arms.

“I love you.”

You blink your eyes and furrow your brows. “What?”

“I said I love you, Y/N.” You feel the pain in his voice despite the barriers and your brimming eyes overflow just enough to let a tear stain your cheek.

03:00

“Y-you?” Your lip quivers and breath gets caught up in your throat. You sniffle and shut your eyes, it wasn't real. “Do you-”

“I have been in love with you ever since that first fucking day,” he said, sure and steady.

Silence.

You swallow harshly as your eyes watch the data percentage reach close to 98%. Your fingers tap on the table in front of you, ready to pull out the device and run for your life. To run to him.

“Y/N?” You feel heart-wrenching pain as your name rolls  off his tongue. How little a gesture, yet still left you in misery.

01:00

“Dammit, talk to me!” The voice in your ears was loud, loud and desperate. You could even hear the tapping of his foot, like the world silenced every other sound so you could savour the last moment, let his words engulf you for the last time.

100%

“Done,” you manage to slip the word out.

“Run, Y/N!” he screams over the comms and you inhale deeply. Show time.

Your fingers wrap around the device and you pull it with a jerk and take to your heels. Your vision grows hazy and you hastily wipe your eyes with the back of your hand but it doesn't help. Your pools were clouded, but your thoughts weren't. Tom was quiet yet his voice was still playing at the back of your mind like a broken record and you loved it. Maybe it was the last time that you got to hear it and if so, at least it was filled with the love that you desperately needed.

You stumble and then regain your balance.

You had done this before.

You harshly clear your throat and part your lips to let the words out. You couldn't wait to be in his arms, to tell him that you felt exactly the same but your current situation wasn't assuring your chances of escape. You take a gust of air in through your parted lips and manage to push the words out.

00:00

“I lo-”

Boom.

My masterlist | Amy’s masterlist

Taglists:  @hollandroos @badhollandfluff @eveanne-03 @brookestreewolf @bonfirelohve @spideymood @sensitivesapphic @hollandofthefree @uglypastels @spideybitey18 @rainbow-marvel @moonkissedtom @andwhatdostarsdobest @marcymakemagic @spideychronicles @starlightfound @summertime-acoustic @notsolivelyadele @hollandfieldblurbs @itslizabitch8021

Tags: @hazsterfield @tomhollandeu @kick-namestake-ass @starksparker @curlytoms @screamholland @tomnhaz @pbnjparker @starkschurro @spiderboytotherescue @theprincesofasgard @spdys @anthonyed @hollandsbaby @petalparker @madmadmilk

[yeoobiii]

Left Behind | Calum Hood

Pairing: College!Calum x College!Reader

Summary: As you got lost in the crowd of concert, you bump into a boy, you’re kinda familar with and from there on you are kind of forced to spend the rest of the evening with him and his friends.

Word cound: 3.9k

Warnings: drinking and that’s about it, ig

a/n: I had this in my drafts for a while now and felt like finishing it. It’s my first 5sos related imagine. It’s a little bit cheesy and turned out fluffy. Remember, feedback and criticism is highly appreciated. Enjoy!

The music was blasting through the speakers, flashing a wave of energy through your body you didn’t even know you had left in you anymore. You were standing for about four hours now and usually you’d be totally exhausted by now but the adrenaline that was currently streaming through your body made you forget about your tired legs.

As the next hook was about to drop the people around you opened a big hole in the crowd and everyone was ready to jump in. You weren't usually the type to join mosh pits because they always got so chaotic and sometimes you were seriously worried about getting hurt. But right now, at the moment, you didn’t care. You took a glance to your left to find your two best friends nodding at you, signalizing you that they were about to join the chaos as well. You smiled one more time to yourself, enjoying yourself before the beat dropped and every one jumped into that mosh pit, including you.

It was over faster than you would have thought. At that moment, you were completely carefree and the music owned your body. You were jumping, screaming and dancing, like every body around you. At some point someone stepped on your foot and it stung for a second, but you got over it fast as the act that was currently putting on a live show, started to rap their second verse of the song. The crowd calmed down a little and most people were facing the stage again.

You turned around to check if your friends were alright. But as you turned, you couldn’t make out one of the two familiar faces that belonged to your best friends. You started to look around, starting to ignore the loud bass, the cheering crowd and the flickering lights around you, as worry started to build inside of you. You couldn’t see them anywhere. You got your phone out to check if they already texted you but you had no new messages. You tried to call them with little hope and also no success. You lost your friends.

You thought about leaving the hall and just wait until the concert is over to meet with them outside afterwards, since you knew you couldn’t enjoy the concert anymore anyways. Not like this. You turned around to leave, as you bumped into someone.

You quickly apologized and moved past them, until, you heard them calling your name.

“Y/N?” they shouted after you. You knew that voice so, you turned around again.

“Calum?” you guessed making your way over to the familiar stature of the young man.

As you got closer you could make out his features and it really was Calum, standing there in front of you.

“It really is you! What are you doing here?” he smiled, taking you in for a short hug.

This took you by surprise. You didn’t know Calum too well. You weren’t even sure if you’d consider him your friend. But it also seemed like he was pretty hammered. But you had to chuckle at his question. What were you probably doing at a concert?

Calum was one of your classmates. And that was about it. At least that’s what you think, how he’d explain the relationship between you two. On your side, the thing was a little bit more complicated. It all started out about one and half years ago, since you started collage. You figured out fast that you had almost all your classes with the curly haired boy. At the beginning, he was just one of the guys you went to school with. Nothing more, nothing less. But over these one and a half years, you developed a crush on him. And you hated yourself for it.

You mostly knew him from little group projects you had to do in class. Either only the two of you or in a bigger group, but you started to notice, that you liked spending time with him. Even if it was only for school related stuff. The two of you even started to talk more once during these one and a half years but that died down quickly with him telling you how he was about to hit up another girl. He didn’t hurt you with stuff like that, it was just a bit frustrating sometimes.

You were likely to not tell your crushes about the feelings or liking you held towards them. For some reason you were always just too scared of rejections and you always thought it would probably be really awkward between the two of you if you’d have ever told him. You also didn’t want for him to have this kind of power over you. You imagined plenty of times the pity full look he’d have on his face, while telling you that you were sweet, but he didn’t return your feelings. And the thought about that always managed to send a cold shiver down your spine and it maybe still kind of hurt you in some way. Even tough you would never admit that to yourself.

So, you managed to live with the fact that he was just a silly crush you had and that you’d get over it at some point, which leaded you to the situation you were currently in. Still, not over him and him treating you like one of his mates. And the thing that all of his three mates from school were kind of your friends as well didn’t help at all. Sometimes you even did hang out together. You liked his friends and you always wondered why your relationship with him can’t be as uncomplicated as the friendships with the rest of his gang was. If you’re with them, you always get a laugh out of each other. It also wasn’t that bad if you were with him and his friends because they kind of distracted you from his cute curls, muscular arms and contagious laugh, which you loved to hear. You also loved when his lips where formed into a smile that took over his whole face.

And now you were standing there, worried about your friends, a little bit drunk, bumping into that one person you didn’t really expect to bump into. Plus, you didn’t really have the nerves right now to deal with the mess you called your feelings.

“What do you think I’m doing here? Same as you, dummy.” you replied, trying to put a smile on your face and ignoring the anxious feeling that were currently creeping up.

“Oh, yeah, that makes sense.” he smiled, biting his lip and looking down at you.

“Yeah. But, ehm” your voice sounded more concerned this time as you tried to form your sentence, “You didn’t per chance saw my friends around?”

You turned on your phone as you wanted to show him a picture of them as you realized his head was already turned to the front again, not listening to anything you just said. As it wasn’t hard enough to communicate in all that screaming that was going on, anyways.

“Calum!” you called for his attention.

He turned to you, a drunken smile on his face. You showed him the picture of you and your friends.

“Have you seen them?” you shouted over the crowd that was currently going wild.

“Them? No, sorry. But she’s hot!” he grinned, pointing at your phone.

Well, that didn’t really help, but thanks for your input, Calum. You rolled your eyes at him. It wasn’t like you were already in a shitty situation.

“I’m gonna leave. Have fun.” you screamed over the music.

As you were about to turn your back at the tall boy, he called out for you again.

“Y/N, wait!”

He called you again so, you turned around again.

“You really wanna miss the rest of the concert?” he asked like he’d genuinely care, “We can still go and search for your friends after and you can stay with us if you want”.

His offer took you by surprise, the second time this evening. But the suggestion was really tempting, since you really liked the act that was currently playing and you were excited for this concert for about half a year now. So, you decided to quickly text your friends, that they don’t need to worry about you and that you found someone you knew and could stay with for the rest of the concert. You said you were sorry and that you could meet outside after. Putting your phone back in your pocket you turned back to Calum, who was loudly singing along, knowing all the lyrics.

“You know what, yeah, why not.” you smiled up at him, receiving a smile from him as well which made you a little bit week in your knees, but as usual, you ignored it.

As the evening was going on, you caught yourself enjoying yourself more and more. Calum had also friends with him. The only one you knew was a boy called Ashton. You had also some classes with him, and he was one of Calum's closest friends, as far as you knew. But there was another guy you have never seen before. He introduced himself as Dylan. At some point you even found yourself grounding your body against his, not spending one single though on Calum.

The main thing why you keep hiding your feelings for Calum, was because if he rejected you, you still had to face him every day and with that you’d be reminded of the embarrassment. But like this, with a guy you’d probably never see again or only if you wanted, it was easy.

Even though you had fun with him, you knew what he was after. You didn’t really have much experience on the dating front, but you weren’t blind. And it actually felt really good to be admired by someone. It gave you the feeling on having power, which was quite the opposite of how you felt almost everyday around your long-time-crush, namely insecure. So, you enjoyed every second of it.

As the concert was over, you almost forgot about your friends. But as soon as you were outside, you heard your phone ring. Just then you saw that you had twelve missed calls.

“Shit.” you mumbled to yourself, picking up your phone.

“Y/N? Where the hell were you?” your one friend was asking you, worry clear audible in her voice.

“I met some friends form school, I texted you guys.” you tried to explain.

Within the conversation with your friends, Dylan asked you for your tag to go and get your jacket for you. While your friend was telling you something, you searched for your tag, found it and handed it to Dylan, mumbling a quiet, “thank you”.

“Did you hear anything of what I just said?” your friend hissed at you.

“I’m sorry what did you say?” with your free hand you held your other ear closed, since it was still kinda crowded and with that comes the noise around you.

“We are already on our way home, Y/N.” sighed your friend.

“What? You did leave without me?” you started to ramble. Worry was building inside of you for the second time this evening on the thought of how to get home all by yourself. It was a good one and a half hour car ride until you were back home.

“Melissa got sick, she threw up on the toilets and I don’t think it’s because of the alcohol. I decided to bring her home, I tried to call you but you weren’t picking up.” she started to explain, you could hear out of the way her voice sounded, that she was sorry, “I even searched for you in the crowd for fifteen minutes but couldn’t find you anywhere and Melissa could barely stand, I had to do something.”

“So, you decided to leave without me?!” you hissed at her, genuinely pissed that your friends left you behind like this.

“What should I have done, huh. Tell me. Should I have let her practically die outside and come back to party with you?” she said sarcastically.

“No, of course not.” you rubbed your forehead, trying to figure out on how to get home yourself.

“Also, where is the problem, why can’t you go home with your friends form school?”

“It’s not that easy, V.” you tried to explain but couldn’t find any words on how to.

No one knew about your crush on Calum, since telling someone would make it become real. Without anyone knowing you could still tell yourself that your feelings not there or that they will go away in a magical way at some point.

“Well, it has to be that easy, Y/N. Except you wanna go home all by yourself.”

“Yeah, I know.”

As you took a look in the direction the boys left to get their and also your jacket you saw them walking towards you.

“I gotta go, V.” you cut her off, “Call me if your home safe, alright. Oh and you owe me.”

“Sure, same goes for you” she hung up, leaving you alone with Calum, Ashton and Dylan.

Last named just handed you your jacket, “There you go.”

“Thank you.” you smiled at him.

“Yo, Y/N” Calum begun, pulling your attention at him, “Where are your friends?”

All the boys were looking at you, waiting for an answer.

“Well, they already left.” you admitted to them, “is there a chance that the three of you have an empty seat in your car for someone like me.”

“I’m sure we can squeeze you in there, Y/N.”, Ashton chuckles as he put an arm around your shoulder.

“Thank you guys so much, really”, you thanked them, relieve washing over you, but you were still a little on edge because of the two men that were walking behind you and Ashton, “You really are my saviors.”

Next thing you knew, you were 60 dollars poorer and walking through a shabby train compartment looking for an opportunity to sit. Your legs were tired as hell. You finally got to feel that, since there is no adrenaline left in your body.

As you found a part in the train where the four of you could sit together, Ashton claimed it really fast as theirs.

“Didn’t I say we could squeeze you in?”, he grinned. A grin you’d like to punch out of his stupid face.

You didn’t even mind traveling by train. It was just that you were really exhausted. Plus, the short walk through the cold and fresh, night spring air, managed to get you sober again. So, now you were trapped in that train, with your dumb crush, a guy that still hope to get you laid tonight and an Ashton that didn’t seem to shut up and the saddest thing, you weren’t even drunk anymore.

The train wasn’t even running for ten minutes until you fell asleep leaning against the train window.

“Yo, this girl is fire and I’m so gonna get it tonight, guys”, Dylan cheered.

But he seemed to be the only one to find it funny how he was messing with a girl that couldn’t defend herself at the moment, because she was fast asleep.

Ashton only commented with, “If you say so.” And he was quick on looking back at his phone. And Calum, he was sending a death glare Dylan’s way. He hated how he talked about you and the fact that you couldn’t defend yourself, made him feel like he had to.

Calum didn’t really like the game that Dylan and you were playing the whole evening, anyways. As he spotted you on the dance floor in the middle of the crowd earlier this evening, he had to smile to himself. For some odd reason, it filled him with joy, watching you having a good time. But as soon as he spotted Dylan behind you, his smile was fast to be replaced with a frown. That should be him, dancing and laughing with you, he thought. But he probably must have messed up at some point of the evening. Why would you prefer to dance with stranger than with your friend Ashton or more specific him?

“Man, I need to take a piss.” Dylan suddenly said out of the blue, making Ashton getting up and joining him.

As Ashton already left to get in another compartment where the toilet was, Calum held Dylan back by his arm.

“Stop it, man.” he warned, glancing at him to make clear what he’s talking about.

“Why? You like her?” Dylan raised his eyebrows in amusement.

“N- No. It’s just… she has a boyfriend, man” he lied.

“Alright, man”, Dylan put his hands up in defense and left for the toilets.

Shortly after Dylan disappeared, following after Ashton.

“Why did you tell him I have a boyfriend?”, you suddenly spoke up.

Calum jumped at your words, since he expected you to be asleep. Suddenly he found himself in a position where he had to explain himself.

“Dylan just isn’t one of the nice guys” he explained quietly with his head down, not looking at you.

You didn’t know where you got the sudden push of confidence as you placed your head on his shoulder and tried to get some more sleep since you had another 30 minutes in the train ahead of you. Also, you weren’t really to keen on having a conversation with Dylan at this point.

Calum’s heart skipped a beat at your sudden move. But at the same time, it feels so natural for you to be close to him and sleeping peacefully. Its kind of calmed Calum down at the same time as it brought, for him, confusing feelings about you up, which he tried to push down for the whole evening now.

“Boyfriend, huh”, Calum heard Dylan say as he spotted you asleep on his shoulders.

As you were at the end station and you had to get out, Calum tried to wake you up softly. He gently shook you at your shoulders.

“We’re here, Y/N. Time to get out” he whispered softly.

As you opened your eyes and looked up at him you had to quickly orientate yourself. As it all came crushing down to you, you took your head off Calum’s shoulder, leaving him instantly missing it. You didn’t know why you got so close to him, but it confused you beyond believe. Why didn’t he reject you as you put your head on his shoulder?

As Dylan, Ashton and actually also Calum were meant to say their goodbyes, because you had another twenty-minute train ride ahead of you until you were home, but the rest of the boys were living in the city, you hugged Dylan and Ashton wishing them a good night. As you were supposed to say bye to Calum, you didn’t know what to do. Hug him? Shake his hand? Wave at him? You heard Calum speak up.

“I’m gonna come with you.”

“What?” your mind took a few seconds to process what he had just told you, “No, Calum, you really don’t have to. I’ll be fine, I swear.” You assured him, since bringing you home would take him another hour to get home himself.

“But I want to.” he admitted, glancing at you with a soft smile covering his lips. His looks made you go week in your knees.

“We’ll leave you to it, lovebirds. Goodnight.” Dylan and Ashton said their goodbyes one last time, turning on their heels and walking into the opposite direction of where you were standing.

“Why?” you asked, your voice almost inaudible.

“Because.” was the only explanation you were getting out of him.

You decided to not further protest and just let him bring you home. For whatever reason he was doing it.

Your second train ride was manly quiet and filled with silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, thought, like you had expected it to be. You didn’t know what it was but something changed between the two of you. As you were looking out of the window, making out the few little lights of people’s houses, where they were still awake, probably watching TV and watching the sky, where you could make out a few little stars, since it was cloudy that evening, you could feel Calum's glare at you. It practically burned itself into your skin. It felt like if he would dare to look away from your slightly blushed cheeks, curvy eyelashes and at the way your nose was shaped, he’d die in an instant.

From time to time you send him a glance yourself, allowing your eyes to meet. You couldn’t hold the glare long, though, the butterflies in your stomach getting the best of you. You didn’t know why, but you didn’t feel insecure around you anymore. You felt safe.

As you got out of the train, Calum insisted on walking you home as well. Even though you though it was too much, since he must be tired himself, he didn’t accept a no.

“You enjoyed the concert?” he suddenly asked out of the blue, his eyes meeting the concrete walkway underneath him. It almost felt as he was getting all shy on you all of a sudden.

“Yeah, except that I lost my friends, and they also went home without me, it was great!” you stated, making your voice sound sarcastic.

“Wasn’t that bad after all in my opinion.” Calum commented, sounding sincere.

“No. No, it wasn’t.” you admitted. A small smile was forming on your face at the thought of how your evening went down since you lost your friends. It was definitely something you were expecting form yourself but it was fun. You told yourself to do stuff like that more often, without the part of losing your friends.

As you were standing in front of your door, the mood was tense. You didn’t know how to thank Calum properly for accompany you this far.

“I had fun tonight, Y/N.”, Calum admitted, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, me too.”

Last thing you knew after a few long seconds of silence, was Calum starring at your lips before his were directly connected with yours. It wasn’t like you weren’t already surprised enough about how this evening turned out, this action tops it all.

As you were over the first shock, you kissed him back. It was an innocent but still a pure kiss. And you didn’t want it to end. All the weeks, even moths of admiring this boy from the far and now he was kissing you. At that moment nothing seemed important, except for the two of you standing there. The thought of Dylan vanished your mind a long time ago and was replaced with Calum and Calum only.

As the two of you broke apart, Calum was the first one to say something.

“Tell me, Y/N. Why are we doing this only now?”

You pressed your forehead against his, smiling. At this moment you felt nothing but happiness. It was a feeling you haven’t witnessed this strong in quite a while.

“I don’t think you have a train back to the city until five in the morning.” you informed him, slightly giggling, “Wanna stay over?”

“I’d appreciate that.”

You opened your front door, stepping inside.

“You’re sleeping on the floor, though.”

[philipshay]

but im not giving up im just giving in

requested by @tsk47

philkas au in which lukas doesnt kiss philip at the party in red hook

When Lukas told Philip he never lied to him, he believed him. At the time, the statement was true. At the time, Lukas didn’t lie to him.

But tonight, he did. When he told Philip he’d kiss him in front of everyone. When he made it seem like they were together, not just together, and then dropped his hand at the door. When he turned back into the Lukas that desperately wants other’s approval.

When he turned into the Lukas that is ashamed to look at the boy he claims to care about.

It isn’t that he suddenly starts ignoring him. It’s that he treats him like a friend; Philip is anything but. He doesn’t know if he could ever be friends with Lukas, not with the way he feels about him, the way Lukas claims to feel about him. But it seems that’s the parts they’re playing tonight. Friends. Just friends.

When Lukas tells him he’s going to get them more of whatever crap is in their cups, Philip takes the chance and runs with it.

He leaves. He’s had just enough that his brain is fuzzy, not enough to make it hard to walk, not enough to get him lost. He tries not to rifle through his memories as he walks, but he can’t help it; Lukas telling him he broke up with Rose, Lukas pressing a kiss to his head, Lukas making that dumb comment about Deja Vu, Lukas acting like he was going to change.

He’s tired. He’s tired of being the secret, he’s tired of being the boy Lukas hides. He’s better than that. He deserves more than that.

-

Lukas spends the rest of the night trying to get a hold of Philip, trying to figure out where he went, why he went. He only replies to tell him he walked home, and he’s fine, but he’s tired, and he’s gonna crash.

He doesn’t crash. He lays in bed and tosses and turns and wonders, for the millionth time, if loving Lukas is worth it. If their story will ever be one with a happy ending. If he’ll ever be able to hold the hand of the boy he loves in public, without him shying away.

At first, he got it. He got that Lukas was scared.

But being someone’s secret makes a person believe that the secrecy is due to them, and not the other person. Philip can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with him, if there’s something about him-besides the fact that he’s a boy-that keeps Lukas from telling the truth.

He told the truth about being in the cabin, about witnessing a triple homicide, but he still won’t admit that he kissed a boy, and kissed that boy again, and kissed him and kissed him and maybe even loved him.

He thinks about this all the way to school the next day. He’s exhausted, and all the worrying is making his stomach hurt. And not in the good way.

In the i feel like im gonna puke way.

He sees Lukas on his way to his locker, but ducks around the corner before Lukas sees him.

He can’t talk to him. He can’t stand there and let him pretend that they’re nothing, when, to Philip, they’re everything.

He’s able to avoid him until lunch, where he finds Lukas standing against his locker. He moves to the side as Philip approaches him, but doesn’t say anything while Philip stuffs his books inside. He seems to be waiting for Philip to speak; he looks uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in the way he used to, back when Lukas was afraid people were interpreting every exchange of looks between the two of them as what they truly were.

For the first time in a long time, it irritates him.

What’s so horrible about him that Lukas is embarrassed to even look at him?

“Where’d you go last night? You disappeared.” Lukas says when Philip shuts his locker. Philip presses his lips together, shrugging a shoulder.

“I was tired.”

“How’d you get home?”

“I walked.”

“By yourself?”

“I can take care of myself, Lukas.” Philip says. Lukas’ lips part, brows pulling together slightly. He averts his gaze, and nods.

“I know. I just-you were just gone.”

“Sorry.”

Lukas pauses, debating whether or not to say what he’s thinking. It isn’t often that Lukas filters things when Philip is around. It’s weird to see.

“Are you okay?” He asks. Philip arches his brows for a moment, nodding.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You-“

“I gotta go, Lukas.” Philip says. He pulls his bag over his shoulder, and ducks around Lukas. And he doesn’t turn back when Lukas calls his name.

-

Philip successfully avoids Lukas for the rest of the day. Instead of getting a ride home with him, he asks Helen if she’ll pick him up on her way home. She asks if things are alright with Lukas, and when Philip tells her they’re fine, it’s obvious she doesn’t believe him, but she doesn’t push. She just tells him that relationships are work, and they aren’t always fun.

He doesn’t answer Lukas’ texts that night except to tell him he doesn’t need a ride in the morning.

When he has a nightmare, he doesn’t call Lukas like usually.

Neither sleeps all that well these days, and when they wake up scared, they call each other. It’s become a habit, happening a few times a week.

Tonight, though, his phone is silent, on both their ends.

A month or two ago, Philip would be different. Maybe he’d let all of this slide. It isn’t like Lukas made a promise; it was just a comment that sounded a hell of a lot like a promise, like something Lukas was going to do.

A month ago, he would have let it go.

But his mother is dead. He’s different. He isn’t as forgiving with her gone.

He isn’t sure if that’s a good thing or not.

When he gets to school the next day, Lukas is waiting at his locker. It’s noticeably awkward when Philip reaches him; the tension in the air makes him choke.

“Hey.” Lukas says.

“Hey.” Philip says.

There is a moment of silence in which neither does so much as blink. They both seem to be waiting for the other to speak, but it doesn’t come.

“What happened? Did I do something?” Lukas asks. Philip’s lips part, and he scoffs.

“Seriously? You have no idea?”

“No. Should I?” Lukas asks. Philip shakes his head, mouth set in a hard line.

“No. Course not.” He turns to move away, but Lukas reaches out, hand on his arm. He chews on the inside of his mouth, lifting his eyes to Lukas’.

“Look, I’m not gonna be your secret anymore. Figure out what you want.” He tugs his arm free, and starts moving down the hall.

A moment later, Lukas jogs beside him, looking over at him.

“What I want?”

“Yeah. What you want. Me.”

“You? Of course I-“

Philip stops when they turn down the hall, where a bunch of students are congregated, waiting for class to start.

“Really? Because the minute anyone else is around you act like I have some disease.”

“I-“

“You said you don’t lie to me. Don’t start.” Philip says.

Lukas looks around, something like fear filling his eyes. Fear of what, Philip doesn’t quite know. Fear of being discovered, fear of losing Philip, maybe.

“Philip-“ He reaches out to touch him, but Philip backs up.

“I can’t do it anymore, Lukas. I cant.” Philip says. He’s suddenly aware of all the eyes on him, and he squirms beneath them. He turns and starts down the hall, anxious to get to class and sink into his seat in the back of the room.

But Lukas doesn’t give him the chance. Because a second after Philip starts walking, Lukas is calling his name, and god, he hates that he does it, but he stops. He always listens when Lukas calls.

“What do you want from me?” Philip asks, turning around, voice louder than it probably should be. Lukas’ lips part, and Philip is expecting him to look around, to try and dismiss the others, to take the attention off of him.

He doesn’t. Instead, he licks his lips, and says, “I should have kissed you at the party.”

Philip’s heart stops for a moment. He’s sure that he’s imagined the words; he’s convinced.

Until Lukas says it again.

“I should have kissed you. I wanted to kiss you.” He says. He steps toward Philip, a confidence Philip has never seen resting on his shoulders.

I wanted to kiss you.

He isn’t making it up; the reactions of the other students prove that he isn’t. They heard it, they all heard it.

Lukas’ cheeks are visibly flushed, but he doesn’t look ashamed. He looks nervous, a little excited, a lot free.

And that’s what makes it all better. How the weight visibly falls from Lukas’ shoulders when it’s all out in the open.

He wants to kiss Philip, and he isn’t embarrassed, he isn’t ashamed.

So Philip closes the distance between them, and kisses him. It’s a small kiss, but it’s a kiss, a kiss that says more than any words could.

It’s a kiss that tells him that it’s okay, that he forgives him.

It’s a kiss that promises more kisses. That promises more everything.

[ilygsd]

241018: 4

you know those pathetic abstinence posts i wrote when i ”took a pause” from him?

yeah uhh........ im trying my hardest not to weite smth equally as cringy but i cant help. i catch myself looking at the few pictures ive taken/screenshoted of him, imagine his smell wow and thats really smth that hits me. ive said it before, i even admittet it but sometimes when im outside, at the busstop or whatever and theres a gust i can suddenly get very very excited like my heart goes WOOP for a second and then i realize FUCK its just another male perfume lmao. like i didnt know i likes perfumes until met him. a crazy thought would be for me to buy his perfume and then just use it for all my clothes and my bed to feel safety. thats fucked up. idk why but peoples smell have always been very important to me

i always used to exchange shirts with my precious boyfriends. or not exchange i just stole their shirts. i used to have like up to 5 of my exs shirts and it sucked ass to give then back to him when we broke up lol.

i did find it interesting though because of jo wearing perfume i didnt know what his ”original” scent was like. i still dont really know, but i think i lile the mix of his perfume and his own smell like after we’ve cuddled or had sex i could feel him on my skin. i think it was a mix. bed and clothes are usually pretty reliable but his clothes are perfume and the bed is sometimes like.... idk what to say.... old? lol

ah fuck anyways i miss him. i miss him much and i catch myself thinking good about himmm. thoughts i dont want to tinkkkk. thoughts like ”maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasnt that bad”. im actually not hurt anymore, just anxious. for him leaving i guess. or me making a fool out of myself. im just stubborn. i wish he could apologize and if we will continue to see each other i will tell him why. he probably wont agree though and i will have to give up/accept that. because this whole relationship is on his fucking terms

i also realized that i really was desperate before i met him. it doesnt feel like it because now he occupies most of my thoughts bit when i read my precious posts here it was a lot of frustrated feelingd about adoption, racism and my ex. idk..... maybe i’d rather think of him than any of tjat cus that sjit is just sad to read. i guess stjis is too though. so fucking obsessed its crazy

i read smth about bpd splitting and idolizing and devaluating etc which i will get back to later but there was this pattern and i just.... could relate a lot. i either love or hate him. i wish i could see him for who he was. i dont only hate him and im not only being manipulated but i want to believe i actually do like him. i just have a hard time accepting who he is which is sad because in many ways he accepts me for who i am. he even tries to be empathic for me, its just not enough. especially not when he loses his sjit.

bow i feel like i have to appreciate him more again but i never do. and thats the problem with me, i never do. actions before words as he says. i will have to change my my actions. o wonder if hes fond of CBT, cognitive behavior therapy hmmm. my mim is a psychoanalysds so i always thought about that but idk

i do like him. he’s very handsome, i am very attracted to him physically. idk if im just horny bc ive repressed my sexuality for a couple of years or so now lmao but i really could go up to him and ask him to just fuck me honestly. but i want to get to know him better too. and his mom LMAO. no but honestly, i want to get to know him better. especially how he thinks. what he likes, what he diskukes. i want to do things with him and make him things, make him smile, make him relax and make him feel pleasure.

yeah uhhh i almost sucked his dick??? and i really dont do that i dont like dicks esp bot sucking on them thats fucking disgusting but honestly i was just so caught up in the moment and i just wanted him to feel good and i was just so attracted to him so.... yeah. it wasnt for long though cus im insecure and inexperienced and the sex probably sucked for him even though he came idk but i was surprised by myself

i still catch myself thinking of how he can be very cute and caring. he always asked if i was okay, if i was ready or uncomfortavle. that i could always tell him if it was too mich. he did pressure me a little bit to mutual masturvation but he accepted when it didnt work for me. i was so tense tbh. if i had tried a little bit longer it would probably have worked though.

sometimes i want to be close and you can tell the way my bldy communicages. like when we talk over a coffee and his knew touches mine or he takes my hand or let me nudge his shoulder or fuck up his hair a bit even though it obviously annoyed him.

i see myself as a little puppy sometimes. an emo puppy lol. a depressed puppy. and sometimes i see him as my older brother. idk. apprently his mom thought i was like a sister. i neve runderstiod if he meant sister to her or sister to him.... i guess shim?? yeah thats pretty weird considering we were fucking when she was home LMAO omg that was so embarrassing im so awkward ughhhh. i didnt even thank her for the food 😩 until it was time to leave and jo was like ”uh she’s leaving i follow her to the busstop” and she said ”okay bye” and i was like ”thx-for-the-food-that-for-letting-me-stay-goodbye-ily-stay-safe” not really bit basically ugh. and i had/have a cold too so my voice is all raspy and low like morgan freeman abeushwisbso

fuck now i REALLY miss him. its scary when he ignores me. im so used to him messaging me all the time and i know that he and other aspds want wouldnt do something they dont want/gain. at first i was offended by that fact. offended and scared but now i feel flattered. sure i may only be a study ibject to him but hes kind to me. he’s romantic to me instead of just friendly so i guess he finds me somewhat attractive. he pickdd me because he thinks i can give him something? that actually means a lot because i am useless lol and no one ever wants me for anything. i wonder what it is though. my sensitivity only seems to brother him though, and my overthinking. and i overthink all the time im with him. you dont know how mich we fight and bicker. i wish he wanted my love but hes not interested in that. i could give him my love for sure. it would be intense and passionate. the only love he wants is sexual lol not emotional

ughhh idkkkk. i’ll have to find my old adoption documents too to see if im tested for HIV and shit so i can contact him LMAO idk what to do though cus i booked a time to get myself tested bit idk if i want to anymore..... i would do it for him though. worst thing would be if he dissed me because of me not being tested yet. but that wouldnt really make any sense because he actually tried to liggten the mood and make a joke so i guess he actually ”forgave” me. i wonder if he would forgive me for still oushing his buttons and demanding things from him

[lesoleilxjulien]

life in pink: the aftermath.

TBH Jerome probably tries to tell him that they should stop in a small moment of clarity. Against his lips would he murmur "we shouldn't-" but the words die in the back of his throat when Juliens hips move and their tongues brush together, his mind turning hazy again. and oh my god. He'd realize and Jerome is still asleep but on the verge of waking up- the sun melts through the window panes and into the bedroom and it dances in front of his eyelids forcing him to awaken. Jerome's vision is all blurry with the aftermath of intoxication burning the edges of his brain and it takes a while for him to realize Julien lays next to him. And that Julien lays next to him /naked/. It dawns on him that something happened as he looks at him and it happened in a drunken haze when self control was at a minimum. He'd tense, instant regret settling right in the pit of his stomach. Like he tries so hard to keep Julien just that bit distant. He already treats him like someone he loves, he already allows him to get so close, the lack of physical intimacy kept him from giving the full package without saying I love you. Because he knows how he gets when he is intimate with someone he loves. He knows he gets talkative. He knows he pours everything in it. And he never wanted to touch Julien like this because he knows things would shift. The teasing and tension behind their friendship wouldn't be just friendly anymore, or, be pushed to friendly skinship, it would mean something then, something different. He'd be faced with the dilemma of not being able to tell him he loves him but also unable to assure Julien is not just another name in a sea of many, that he's special. He'd be faced with the question if Julien wanted him, just his body, or he regrets this mistake. But now it happened and everything he wanted lays far forgotten in the moments of blissful intimacy his drunken self experienced as now everything unwanted hits him like a stack of bricks. He can't remember much in the moment. He doesn't remember how far they went, what he said, why Julien allowed it to happen. He just feels the sting of scratches on his skin, tastes the flavours of liquor and /Julien/ on his tongue and it gives him the questions his hungover head is not able to handle. Oh my god. Jerome would want to bolt out of the bedroom so fast. Like his hand would slide off Juliens stomach after they'd have this staring contest that wordlessly says /this shouldn't have happened/. And he throws on some boxerbriefs, wanting to escape. But either Julien calls out his name or he just turns around and he stops. Freezing just three steps away from the edge of the bed. And he looks at Julien. "What did we do." WOWWW. ok OK. I FEEL PAIN. (also sorry not sorry but i thought. during it jerome tells him he loves him but its against his skin and its muffled and julien is too consumed in rolling his hips and he's way too drunk to hear. jerome forgets he even said it as a groan rips from his throat and sORRY nOT sORRY) and wow. Jerome leaves for Indonesia a few days later and if Julien watches the honeymoon episode he just gets greeted with a Jerome who looks totally out of it. He's not himself. Or, well, he's not his public self. And it's strange. During the days in Indonesia he pieces together parts of what happened that night too and even though he can't place everything, he remembers how he felt. He remembers how Julien felt. Scenes of the night flashes through his mind during the honeymoon, leaving him breathless. And oh catch him zoning out during activities and Jiyong having to pull him out of it. MULTIPLE TIMES. And Yoonah was there too and she's known Jerome since before debut and he's acting really weird and wow? He seems a bit emotionally charged. But omg yes. Marie is that extra scoop. It gets their feelings going. The fact that Julien got upset he went home with her makes him wonder but his mind immediately tries to get rid of those thoughts. He gets scared and defensive. They almost end up fighting because no answers are being told. (also extra. during the talk with Marie something happens eye emoji and.. he compares Marie to Julien. WHICH FUCKS HIM UP SO MUCH because Marie was always the source of his comparisons, always having others not being good enough, not being /her/. and now /she wasn't him/ HEAVES Jerome almost breaks down in her hotelroom then.) Oh and would the last day of Tokyo sleeping together thing still happen? Because that would fuck with Jerome even more. Its a different kind of intimacy and because he can't admit to himself Julien might want him too, he doesn't know what to think of it. He just knows his mind goes to the negatives. Jerome just wants to tell Julien to stop doing this to him bUT HE CANT? BECAUSE IF HE DOES HE'D ADMIT THINGS. and then Indonesia and Julien wants to talk about it and Jerome doesn't. He wants to avoid like he did around the phone call but they are forced together by their companies, they have the song together, their hotelrooms are probably small spaces apart and Jerome gets frustrated. And omg. what if it slips out. Jerome gets heated. Julien pulls and pulls because he wants to talk it out and "Julien, don't do this to me." omg. and oh it just dives into ANGST and thEY JUST HURT EACH OTHER. BECAUSE ONE CANT ADMIT SHIT AND THE OTHER IS STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE FEELS AND WOW IM CRYING. also ok literally the ash/jerome thread got me so upset bc it's all so intertwined. Jerome pushes Ash to hang out with Julien more, Ash questions Jerome how he could be so sure Julien doesnt want to be his. Meanwhile Julien is just wakes up at 3am /ouo my spidey senses are tingling./ no but honestly. If they ever find out from each other that Jerome is Zhiwu and Ash is Taki RIPPP bc if i look from Jerome's perspective he really goes IN on his descriptions of Julien. Plus the pronoun dropped. He doesn't have many friends to begin with and no one is as close as Julien. ITS ALSO FUNNY THOUGH. bc Julien is someone who brings him back to old Jerome sometimes because he's in love but feels comfortable. And Julien is ALSO someone who brings Ash back to his childhood and those old memories like damn Julien is a time machine. also. look. Lena. imagine if Julien ever stayed over and they are fast asleep but Julien awakes from the buzzing of Jeromes phone bc Ash is texting him and the screen of the phone just says something vague about Jerome's love life and its gone before you know it because the screen locks again and darkens the room once more. omg.

That sounds about right. Julien would hear that and wouldn't even pay attention to it, he's too far gone already. If there was any part of him that was coherent, that part would have told him to stop before he ends up making a big mess, which is what he's already doing. But that next morning... Julien feels horrible, to say the least. The liquor left him with a gnarly hangover, his head spinning a little and the light slipping in through the windows too bright for him right now. He feels like his limbs are heavy, and his lower back has a dull throb to it that he hasn't felt in a really long time. He's had one of these mornings before, usually a signifier of a really great night, but this time around, he's feeling dread pool into the depths of his stomach. He's hoping that the gaze he's going to meet isn't one of pure regret, and that alone worries him to the core. Julien's frustrated, because he's wanted Jerome this whole time, but not like this. He regrets it, but only in the sense that he did it before even letting his feelings be known to Jerome. And he starts to project all these things, especially from their first meeting and the way Jerome said he'd have to try something extra special. He shouldn't think that far, but it makes an appearance in his mind, and he tosses it aside before it festers. And looking at jerome, he sobered up quickly. He'd be speechless, tongue tied, his dizzying mind trying to get his mouth to open but no words are coming out. They both believe it shouldn't have happened, but they both think that the other has that feeling for a different reason. And Julien tries to say something, but Jerome is already clambering out of the bed, and that's enough to have him so afraid that /okay. Jerome regrets it. This isn't what he wanted./ he'd try to salvage it, sitting up in bed as the sheets pool at his hips and he has such a scared and anxious look on his face. Jerome sees the disheveled hair, the bloodshot eyes, the marks and bites scattered all over Julien's neck and collarbones and chest. "...what does it look like we did?" And his voice is hoarse and he looks... there's a look of disbelief and regret clear on his face but it's aimed toward himself more than Jerome and UGHFJJFJFJFJ. (wow okay fuck me up. Julien also drunkenly tells Jerome how much he's wanted him but how he doesn't want to fuck it all up) Julien would probably hole himself up in his apartment with miso and edi. When it comes to things, Jerome is Julien's confidant, but what happens when the situation is about Jerome? Who does he talk to then? Cue Julien calling Jisoo and crying his eyes out about it while Jerome is in Indonesia. He'd watch the episode after Jerome gets back and he'd pick up on it, but he's not sure if it's bc there's a shift in his head or if Jerome is actually affected by it. He'd probably text Jiyoung and ask her to keep an eye on him. He's a mess the next few days and probably even cries to the cats. Yep. Marie is the one that ends up being the catalyst. Julien and Jerome really end up nearly fighting because Julien is crying and not explaining everything and Jerome is crying and not explaining everything either. Julien isn't asking the right questions either. Instead of asking if Jerome and Marie are together and the rumors are true, he asks if Jerome went home with Marie (to which Jerome's answer is not the answer Julien wants). When Jerome answers him, Julien doesn't even want to talk at this point ("why does it matter what happens with me at this point? You have a girlfriend now, don't you?") which of course sets off Jerome because Julien doesn't know what he's talking about, but it's also not completely Julien's fault either. And they either they argue or sort out enough of the mess that it puts them on speaking terms again. (BIIIITCH I'm screaming over Jerome rn my poor son) Also for that last day, it can still happen but we'd have to switch things around. The calendar for the event had everyone heading back to Korea at night right after the concert on a red eye. So they could have slept together beforehand and went to the concert then slept on the plane or they could have ended up at the airport together and on the plane and after landing in Korea one of them goes home with the other to sleep. But we could go either way! And the next few weeks after that Julien is just throwing himself into work. He's released a song with sooyeon, and then there's the song with Jerome (but for plot's sake we can say they worked on this song beforehand? Unless we plot something out with it), and he's releasing another song with jisoo soon too. But Indonesia is going to be a mess. With just the two of them, there's a lack of buffer, which frustrates the hell out of Julien and he just wants things to be okay between them. He misses Jerome so much, and if Jerome doesn't answer the door, best believe Julien is going to sit outside and threaten to make a scene unless Jerome lets him in. IM ALREADY SAD IN ANTICIPATION OF THIS. UGH OK BUT I READ IT AND I AGREE. Julien wakes up at 3am and those big ass ears of his are ringing ok. He just looks around and blinks wearily before curling back up in bed next to miso. But tbh Julien just makes an off-handed comment like "wow Ash is someone making you hang out with me or do you just miss me?" bc he sees ash more. Oh god. And also from Ash's perspective he doesn't have many friends from childhood and Julien is the only one really. And then you have Julien sitting there all ouo/ Julien is forever a time machine ok he likes to bring people back to how they were when they were happiest. It's his little skill uwu omg RIGHT. Julien just blinks and looks at it. Or if instead of Taki, the phone number shows up and he's just blinking like /why is Jerome texting Ashton?/ but he's half asleep and it disappears and he sighs before flopping back in bed and /I'll tell him in the morning/

Oh my god. I just thought about it. And Jerome basically chooses this. Julien gets drunker quicker and normally when he gets a bit handsy Jerome always stops him, has self restraint. Even when Julien is on his lap moving slightly and Jerome feels like he’s about to break, he just quiets him down with arms wrapped around his waist and chin on his shoulder, telling him to stay put. He always keeps his resolve. He always stops drinking when he’s metaphorically half way through the door, even if Julien continues. And now, he doesn’t. After the blurring of lines he hears no inner voice telling him he should stop anymore. Instead of staying just that bit sober his lips find the rim of the bottle with the auburn liquor that knocks the sense out of him. Depending on who it is that initiates the kiss, Jerome could’ve stopped either of them. He could’ve turned his head if it was himself leaning in, he could’ve leaned back. If the heat of the moment already had their lips touching Jerome could’ve still stopped it, bask in the sweet taste of them but stop nonetheless. If Julien leaned in and pressed their lips together he, with every fibre in his body telling him to relax against the pillowy lips, could’ve stopped it. But instead he licks into his mouth, his hand curls into his shirt on the small of his back just so he could instinctively press him closer and they seal their fate. Jerome might later on think he took advantage of the situation, something he didn’t want to do. He should’ve been responsible. He should’ve stopped. Julien already drank himself into a hiccuping mess on his wedding day and that same tension carried over when he entered his home. He should’ve known. He should’ve carried him to his bedroom when Julien neared his undressing phase, he should’ve laughed when Julien tells him he’s not tired and that the blankets are too hot, he should’ve pressed a kiss to his forehead before leaving him to fall asleep on the couch. He should’ve done what he normally did. But he didn’t. And the repercussions are imminent. 

It was a rhetorical question. Or maybe just a question to himself. /What did they do?/ They crossed /that/ line. Jerome still can’t wrap his head around it. He still can’t pinpoint when rationality got thrown out of the window. He just knows he regrets it. So much.   And now with him standing he feels so cold. He misses the blissful warmth he felt when he was not yet awaken. With his arm slung around Juliens waist and his nose nuzzled up against his shoulder like he belonged to be in his arms, his scent being everything he wants to be engulfed with, but he couldn’t return now. He couldn’t climb back, be pressed up against the warm nude body again because things are different now. They woke up. So he just stands there, looking so vulnerable half naked in the boxers he grabbed haphazardly to cover himself the most he could as before sliding out of the bed. He just stares at Julien when the question gets thrown back at him, the hoarseness of his voice sending a deadly shiver down his spine. /what does it look like we did?/ His eyes slide over his neck, the marks on his skin contrasting so beautifully like they’re meant to be there. And normally he’d feel pride. Though he doesn’t mark easily, he sometimes does it to tease the girls he’s with, to know they have to walk in embarrassment to the make up chair and have the artist cover it up. But as his eyes trail down his neck it looks like he had a purpose, like he wanted to claim him, like he wanted to remember what its like for Julien to be his. And his hazy brain shows him, shows him how aggressive he had been with his kisses and his biting, like every mark on the softly tanned skin was him proclaiming “You’re mine.” without verbally saying it. He remembers the way Julien had been gripping on his hair then, allowing him to leave the red and purple bruises on his skin whilst the elegant fingers uncurled from his hair, slipping over his neck only to end up digging half moons into his broad shoulders. He almost chokes, a faint noise heard from the back of his throat as he stared so intensely, a stare that would leave anyone selfconcious. He says nothing in that moment, just stands there looking like a mess himself post intimacy. It’s a rare sight, the morning after, not many people getting the chance to see it but it’s beautiful. The sunrays pouring through the window melt like honey on his olive complexion, showing the signs of love making clear on his skin. Somewhere in the depths of his mind where the romantic and the hedonist meet, he gets told to bath in what had happened. Their true nature comes out when they get drunk. Filters disappear when they get drunk. Julien was his when they got drunk. It was real. It was raw. But he’s too terrified. Eyes fall onto Julien expression and they mirror each other so well, both regretful, both scared, both so uncertain. But the fact is that both of them can’t know what the other is thinking. And false truths get formed. He reads his expression wrongly, and it breaks him.

Blanching, the subtle red hue that stays on his skin after alcohol and sex drains completely. The regret that lingers on the visage, that normally blossomed flowers in his chest, feels like it’s knives digging straight in his heart. Why is he regretful? Is it because he got drunk and slept with his best friend? Is it because the endless flirting ended up in disappointment? Was he not good enough? The uncertainty throws him in the negatives. Strange was it, that if Julien was looking at him with nothing but love and adoration, he’d be just as scared. Just for another reason. “It looks like-” As soon as he starts talking the words die in the back of his throat. He can’t say it. He can’t say what’s on the tip of his tongue. His aching head isn’t letting him. Eyes tear away from Juliens face, but not before they flashed with something Julien was unfamiliar with. Fingers run through the dark brown locks atop his head as he looked at anything that wasn’t the source of his affection and his troubles, his Adams apple bopping up and down to swallow away the rest of the sentence he couldn’t vocalize, replacing it with a harsher one. “-Like something we shouldn’t have done.” It hurts to say, but wasn’t it true? They shouldn’t have. And the sentence contrast so much with the way he was last night. When every fibre in his body said he should do it. When he was so sure of pouring everything into it, into loving him and having him and making him shout his name. So hungrily, so needy, like he’d been deprived from it for too long. With their mouths bruising from rough kisses that would betray if they could watch it back, their bodies molding together like they’d belong against each other, their voices vocalizing their most inner desires and hidden truths about one another and it all felt so right. But now..

Jerome turns around when the words left his lips and the pretty red lines that ran down his back in fives where still so vibrant after the nights sleep, connecting all the unique moles that kissed his skin with one another. He’s distraught. He remembers telling Julien to be his special someone, he remembers Julien suggesting to be his, to marry him even, but just for a song. He remembers slowdancing through the livingroom with Julien, head on his shoulder and fingers intertwined as he sang, just to him. He remembers the kiss, pressed so unexpectedly but so welcomed and needed and the second their mouths connected all he wanted was to keep tasting, like he had nectar on his lips. And Jerome lets his tongue swipe across his lips nervously, breath almost hitching when he did, like he still tasted Julien on them. He feels like he’s suffocating in the room, even with his body turned away from Julien he could feel him and it breaks him apart. He feels stupid. He feels scared. He feels like he betrayed himself again. Don’t fall in love. He finds Julien. Don’t let people get too close. He has Julien. Don’t do anything stupid. He touches Julien. Don’t get intimate with him. He kisses Julien. Don’t love him. He loves him. Oh, he needs to breathe. “I-I’m getting you some aspirins and water. Stay here.” He tells him, genuine care mixed with excuses to leave the room heavy with tension and regret. As he walks to the door that leads outside of his bedroom, Julien has the chance to say something if he so pleases, the month younger male stumbling to the door with a way too clouded mind. What he wanted to vocalize was left unsaid but it rang more true than the words of regret that escaped his lips after observing Juliens skin. /It looks like… like I loved you/ W O O P S. WELL. WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I REGRET. I REGRET. AS MUCH AS JEROME AND JULIEN. I’M CRYING. (but- ohmygod. Catch Jerome’s hips stuttering or his teeth just biting down a bit harder onto his skin when Julien says that, admits that. Because he has this weird thing with being wanted and being unwanted because of everything that happened in his life and to have Julien tell him that he’s wanted him, ohmygod Jerome almost comes right there and then lbr here. It’s canon that Julien can break him by either telling him he loves him or telling him how much he wants him btw. Like it’s powerful. BUT OHMYGOD THOUGH Jerome remembers this when they are arguing together and Julien just says something with the word /want/ in his sentence and the night hits him like a stack of bricks. He hears Julien tell him that he wanted him between the heavy breathing and the sounds and oh shit Jerome ends up kicking Julien out of his hotel room)

Oh my god. I’m in so much pain. Would Julien name drop? I don’t think he would but I gotta ask because wow if he did that would be messy. Like. Jisoo is Jerome’s company mate they see each other often and it would be.. oh lord. The visual of Julien crying w the cats though I’m so pained. The only person in Korea he could talk to would be Ash and he’d probably blow up the poor boys phone with it. Freddy is also someone he could talk to be he suspects too much already. If he comes online saying a friend had sex with a friend he’d just “So you finally had sex with the love of your life huh?” and he cant have that. But, in Indonesia he’d have this odd conversation with Yoonah who thinks he’s trying to hit on her again after years of him not doing so but he’s just needs advice. He asks her something along the lines of /what if we got really drunk and fucked right now. how would we fix it./ and he knows whatever answer he gets wont help because Yoonah isn’t Julien but he needs to talk without explicitly stating he made love to Julien in a drunken haze and now he feels hopeless. They don’t talk for a few days, maybe Yo. I’d feel like they’d argue. Like. A lot. Because neither of them are that smart when heated. And all this tension just builds up and up with the moments of not speaking to the avoiding to Jerome going home with a way too pretty French girl (from Dax’s descriptions “He totally scored. She was eyeing him the whole night. He even ditched me to talk to her privately somewhere and lord knows what they did there.” and the photos of them walking almost hand in hand to the pictures from a disheveled Jerome leaving the hotel like an hour later) after proclaiming their night together was something they shouldn’t have done and wow. They need a cooling period. And that cooling period are the last few days. But then. THE AIRPORT. (also. YES. IM WRITING IT NOW AND I WANT TO CRY 1000000 TEARS)

Ok. But. They are both exhausted after Tokyo, physically and emotionally because damn these poor boys. They half avoid each other with silent glances during rehearsal and the concert. They bump into each other at the airport and even though they’ve seen each other, it feel like they haven’t. Both look so drained Jerome doesn’t fall asleep on the plane in this scenario. He stays awake and Julien tries to read his book whilst glancing at Jerome sometimes whilst Jerome has his earbuds in listening to an album (literally if it was out it wouldve been Joji’s In Tongues but XXXTentacion’s 17 is angst af too.) whilst looking out of the window. And if they sit next to their managers they just glance at each other sometimes, gaining eyecontact before breaking it because emotions spill. But if they sit next to each other their arms bump sometimes, their hands do too, and these subtle touches are accidental. or maybe not. And it allows them to look at each other with reasons. Jerome mumbles a sorry. Or Julien does. But their hands don’t migrate. They stay put. Their fingers crawl together until at the end of the plane ride and they are even more tired than before, their fingers are intertwined. They are too exhausted to think clearly when they get off the plane and end up driving home together only for Jerome to crash at Juliens (Jerome’s bedroom is tainted now. cries. Let’s taint Juliens.) and because they’re so tired it’s all so soft. They don’t have the energy to be angsty or frustrated against each other. Jerome suggests he can fall asleep on the couch, or Julien offers his bed to Jerome. Just- they sleep apart first. But they miss each other. They can’t fall asleep. And Julien ends up crawling next to him on the couch or the bed because he misses him and he can’t sleep. Jerome couldn’t sleep either even if exhaustion is pulling his eyelids shut, he wants to be hold by Julien. They lay there nose to nose and in the moment it’s all so innocent. so serene. Julien mumbles stuff in his sleepy state and Jerome listens. He’s so calm listening to the voice. His hands rest against Juliens chest and Juliens arms are around his waist. With a single kiss on the forehead followed by their noses brushing together, they fall asleep. WOW And Jerome wakes up first hours later when the sun melts through the blinds. He notices he’s not in his own bedroom, he notices two arms slung around his waist holding him tightly against the warm frame the arms belonged to, he feels the warmth of breathing against the nape of his neck and its Julien. Alarmed he goes to check under the blankets, it can’t happen twice right? Not drunk on alcohol but drunk on exhaustion. But he relaxes when he sees the sweatpants hugging his waist but tenses at the sight of Juliens hands locking just on his abdomen. He turns his head, barely able to see Julien but he catches a glimpse. And he looks heart-achingly beautiful, all disheveled hair and calm expression with still the faint tan that carried over from the summer months when life was good and Jerome lets out a quiet gasp before turning to face head on again. He swallows, squeezing his eyes shut and decided not to wake Julien, not to remove the arms around his waist and slide out of bed. He decides to stay put, pretend to be asleep until Julien would wake up. Because, that morning after the drunken night, he regretted waking up. The warmth had been so nice, even if the dull pulsing of a massive headache made itself known in his dreams. It was so nice. And even if it’ll hurt so much if Julien regrets having him sleep over, he is listening to his romantic side now. Bath in it. This serene ethereal moment undisturbed by real life problems. RIP i’m SO SORRY.

But.. what if they worked on it beforehand (because Jerome wrote part of the song and came to Julien originally for him to sing it and it ended in “Let’s sing it together.”) but had to record it afterwards- and its tension city in the recording studio because the topic of the song, and everything happening, and them unable to speak to one another normally. BUT ITS RAW AS FUCK. LIKE. LOOK. THE CONTENTS OF THE SONG. Jerome messes up way too many times when he looks at Julien, his voice breaking, but then, one take goes flawless. Because in that take he realizes he’s still clawing at the sun. He still lets it melt his wax wings. He still falls but wont give up because he fell in love with the sun. NO IM REALLY SORRY. looks at the live version of Icarus and sobs because JB looks like he’s in his own world and JEROME. BUT. Jerome is busy with his new album and he goes so far into it. (im so interested whats its about bc it has Revenge in the title and im eye emoji x100 dean pls give my son something i can work with) they don’t see each other at all (#rip birthday headcanon ur safe in our hearts) and then indonesia. just them. they have to talk. And okay Jerome is like being stabbed in the heart from all sides but deep down he just wants Julien to make it better, like he always does even if he doesn’t realizes it. Oh my god though. Cue Jerome anxiously watching the door like /i cant talk about this NO/ and daring him to say anything but when julien takes him up on his dare he just opens the door and pulls him inside ohmygod iM CRYING. I CANT. OUR BOYS. OUR BEAUTIFUL BOYS. BIG ASS EARS. BIGGER THAN THE SUN. I love this sm. Like. Ash influencing Jerome to snatch Julien up and Jerome influencing Ash to hang out with Julien more whilst Julien is just o3o hello and they are just oblivious that its them doing it and im crying.

AGAIN. ok but. cue the slow motion Ash and Rome turning to Julien before looking at each other and back at julien like “holy shit.” the day. It’s funny too that Jerome lit hates Daeun for NO REASON other than her sounding like Marie (is he the worst or nah?) and kind of being friends with Hansol after a rough start of him basically insulting Origin after his smtm thing. jfc. It’s all connected. and look. can you feel my love from across the oceans for julien rn. because im radiating. He’s my soft lil son in law and idk what to do with myself. When Julien is actually the sun because sunshine makes you happy. Julien Shin, Korea’s personal vitamine D supplement ;u; oh my god though. if he not yet knows its Ash and Julien sees the number and asks Jerome. Jerome just. “Ash texted me?” and checks but he still has Ash’s old number saved as Ashton and he never calls him anyway so he just doesn’t put two and two together when he sees the texts from Taki. “Getting my hopes up for a text from THE Taeyong and I get disappointed. Tsk Tsk Tsk.” He says as he messes up Juliens hair-

oh god this hurts me. this hurts me so much holy shit. And there have been times that julien gets like that when he’s drunk. those times where he plops himself in jerome’s lap and “don’t you want to kiss me?” mumbling while his hands clumsily card through jerome’s locks and jerome has to just rest his chin on his shoulder and hold him. julien challenges him too often, but there’s a playfulness to it that’s different from this time around. this time, he’s clear about his desire instead of teasing. he’s drunk but he’s wrapped up in jerome’s arms and in the moment and “i’m your special someone, aren’t i?” murmuring while leaning in closer until they’re barely millimeters apart. “won’t you remind me just how special i am?” he’d breathe out, breathy words against jerome’s mouth before julien moves in to continue the kiss. and jerome doesn’t stop him, but julien wouldn’t have wanted him to stop. julien wants jerome to be his, has wanted it for longer than he’d like to admit. he’d love to blame his lack of sleep and intoxication for his actions but he really can’t, because at the end of the day this is what he wanted, even if it wasn’t the way he wanted it to happen. and even at jerome’s wedding day just having jerome close to him like that had julien drinking himself into jisoo’s car to get him home. all these times that julien flirted with him while drunk, every time that julien hinted at wanting jerome. that one time that jerome finally didn’t push him away, with arms wrapping around him and guiding him toward the bedroom, there’s a part of julien that for a moment wonders if jerome will still want him after that night. all the senseless flirting and lingering touches and eye contact… would jerome still want julien when they wake up? a drunk julien is a genuine one, brutally honest and doing things that julien has wanted to do but never had the courage to do so.

as they stare at each other from across the room, there’s a lot that’s going on in both of their heads. julien’s gaze runs from the way jerome’s hair is disheveled and sticking out in different directions, down to the way his skin looks in the morning light, and at that moment julien is already worried about what jerome’s back is going to look like the second he sees it. julien doesn’t even realize just how marked up he is, but he can feel that his lips are sore, possibly bruised from the way they were kissing the night before. while julien can’t remember minute details from the night before, he can remember enough to know what happened. the way he asked jerome to be his, the way they danced in the living room, the way he dared jerome to kiss him, and how one thing happened after another. julien can even remember moments in the middle of it; the way he let his head fall back against the pillows to bare his neck at the other to mark up to his heart’s content, the way his fingers clawed at the other’s back with each thrust and mark on his skin, even the way jerome’s mouth was right up next to his ear, nibbling and breathing hotly in his ear between words. as much as julien regrets this happening in a way that he didn’t have any control over, he also regrets that he can’t remember every touch and kiss. but he waits, wondering how jerome is going to answer him. he’s not quite happy to hear jerome’s response. /like something we shouldn’t have done/. it’s one thing for julien to think about it, but for him to hear the other say it has him feeling some type of way. “…yeah. something we shouldn’t have done.” he’d reply in a soft murmur, fingers absentmindedly playing with the sheets in his lap.

it feels like there’s poison in julien’s system, making it’s way to his stomach and working into his system. those words that jerome spoke felt like daggers piercing through him but he can’t figure out why he’s so hurt. he thinks the same thing, right? that it was something they shouldn’t have done, but then again for jerome to say that implies that jerome regretted it. that in itself has julien’s breathing getting harder to do. his heart seizes, his breath catches, and his head drops down for him to stare at his fingers in his lap. he sits wordlessly, trying to fight the tears from welling up in his eyes as he realizes just how badly this turned out. with jerome out of the room, julien finally works on climbing out of bed, feet hitting the floor and room starting to spin but he just wants to get out of there. he can’t stand to see jerome looking at him like that, saying they did something they shouldn’t have done. it doesn’t help that his clothes are scattered all over the place, and he exits the room wearing his briefs and the first shirt on the floor, probably jerome’s. he haphazardly buttons it up as he exits the bedroom, the buttons not even aligning with the openings on the shirt, but it’s a shirt and it’s something he can walk out with. he makes it far enough to pass the bathroom where jerome emerges, and julien is mumbling quickly and “i-i have to go… just drop edith off on your way to the airport,” he’d crack out, voice hoarse still from the night before. “have fun on your honeymoon.” and he’s saying this while avoiding eye contact but he just needs to get out of there. (oh god. when julien actually confesses that, he truly means it. he can’t quite figure out when the moment was that he realized he loves jerome, but he can say that the moment he first wanted jerome was when they first met. while yes, he’s wanted jerome in a physical way from the get-go, a simple attraction to someone, it’s only been recently that julien’s wanted all of jerome. he’s drunk and doesn’t quite articulate it more than saying he wants him, but when he’s sober and he finally realizes that his words truly affect jerome, he starts to be more vocal about it. he’d go into detail about how much he loves and wants jerome, talk about what he’d give up just to have jerome to himself, how selfish he wants to be with jerome because he loves and wants him so much. but they’d be arguing in japan in jerome’s hotel room about the situation and jerome won’t tell him anything but tell julien he’s misunderstanding the situation and julien just “what do you want from me, jerome? what do you want?” and it stops jerome dead in his tracks, the sound of julien’s voice resonating in his head and BREATHES.)

nah, julien wouldn’t name drop. he’d probably cry to jisoo and he wouldn’t be specific but just “i fucked up so badly, i don’t know what to do;;;;” and he’d try to keep it as vague as possible. ofc he’d probably just lie in bed with the two cats and looking at edi and “i’m sorry i took your spot in your dad’s bed last night… i really shouldn’t have bc now i feel like shit.” but omg imagine julien ended up crying to ash instead and ash is just somehow getting both sides of the story OH GOD. but tbh julien just needs to try and talk himself through it and as great as the cats are, they don’t exactly provide advice, they just listen to him. and julien already knew that they weren’t going to talk much while jerome was gone bc he would be filming, but even after he returns there’s only a super brief conversation between them when jerome comes and picks up edi from julien’s place. and since then it’s just small talk between them bc they’re best friends but they’re also in this strange territory with their relationship. they’ll message each other once in a while to say hello but that’s about it; they don’t go into their deep conversations like they used to, don’t spend nearly an hour on the phone talking about everything and nothing at the same time. it’s as if they do’t know how to talk to each other anymore. and it’s the japan trip that nearly breaks them because of marie. the marie situation provides both a trainwreck but also a way to salvage the relationship. there’s so much arguing in tokyo, especially with julien losing it over the fact that jerome left with marie but also jerome refusing to explain anything to julien.

by the end of the trip, julien is so exhausted, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. they didn’t speak for the entire day, and even during the rehearsals julien just went and did his performance, then got off the stage. when jerome passed julien just backstage, julien looked at jerome with his facade in full force. usually, he saves his genuine expressions and smiles for jerome, leaves his polite public image behind for the other, but this time around it’s just a simple, polite smile. the smile looks perfect, but that’s exactly what julien doesn’t do with jerome. and it happens again when he gets off stage during the concert, only keeping the expression on his face in case anyone else is looking at them; he has to keep up appearances, despite his current mood and situation. but at the end of the concert, they’re already en route to the airport and julien probably hopped in with the other soloists or with element or something, too lost in his own world. there’s his facade up again, a black mask on his face and tired eyes behind his spectacles. and the entire plane ride is tense to say the least. they end up sitting next to each other, their managers suggesting they do because they’re best friends and also promotes the bc/gold star partnership that everyone wants so badly. but they sit there, jerome with his mask and headphones while julien is curled up in his seat trying to read. he can’t seem to focus though, his eyes are skimming over the pages but he’s not comprehending any of the words. at one point, he just closes the book and rests it in his lap before turning off the overhead light and staring out the window, not caring that it’s pitch black outside. the thing with the red eye flights is that most people are sleeping on the flight, but julien can’t seem to sleep, even though he’s so tired. when their fingers gravitate toward each other, julien lets out a sigh before dropping his head to gently rest on jerome’s shoulder. as their fingers intertwine, julien can’t help but give the other’s hand a squeeze. it’s a faint squeeze, but it speaks volumes. despite the fact that they aren’t talking, julien still cares for jerome more than ever. when the plane lands, julien lifts his head from jerome’s shoulder, giving his hand one more squeeze before unraveling his fingers and rubbing his eyes. they end up at julien’s place instead, simply because it’s closer to the airport, and jerome’s had his own toothbrush and clothes at julien’s place after spending a lot of nights there in the first place. jerome insists that julien sleeps in his bed (”it’s your bed. the best feeling after coming back from a work trip is sleeping in your bed.”) while jerome sleeps on the couch. but twenty minutes pass before julien emerges from the room, turning on one of the lamps in his living room and heading toward the couch. approaching where jerome is lying, julien lowers himself to the floor at the spot in front of the couch, folding his arms on the kitchen and resting his chin on his forearms to look at him. he’d reach a hand out, fingers gently running through jerome’s hair “there’s room for two people on the bed… please?” mumbling softly. he wants to continue, to say that he sleeps best with jerome next to him, but it’s one of those things that can remain unspoken for now. they end up under the covers in julien’s bed, arms wrapped around each other and julien’s sleepily mumbling about how much he misses jerome and his eyes are just watery from exhaustion. “i’m tired of fighting… i just want to be with you, why is that so hard?” and he’s nearly asleep to the point that he becomes way too honest just like when he’s drunk, but it’s the last thing he says really, before he ends up falling asleep. when julien finally wakes up the next morning, eyes fluttering open, it takes him a few moments to remember what happened the night before. despite it being late fall, it’s late enough in the morning that the sun is filtering through the window, rays falling upon jerome’s dark locks. with a soft sigh, julien would lean in, lips gently pressing to the nape of jerome’s neck in a soft kiss, before pressing one more kiss and closing his eyes once more. he just wants to relax and recover from the past week of events, and it feels like he’s just waking up from a nightmare.

i like this idea. like jerome brought it up to him before the whole mess that was life in pink. like maybe over the summer before they did the we got married thing. because i’d imagine them to still be happy and affectionate as ever but before they started to cross the line. because life in pink happened right after the wedding and they definitely had that cool down period between jerome’s honeymoon and the triple fantasy concert in japan. maybe they started working on it a little between the honeymoon and concert in japan because it’s still tension and the hookup after life in pink is still pretty fresh in their minds. and it takes so long to get the song recorded bc they both are trying to avoid the other especially since it hurts too much for both of them to continue acting like nothing happened that night and that their feelings aren’t obvious. jerome messes up and julien has a hard time focusing because of the lyrics behind it and he seriously wants to just confront the situation but neither of them are in the condition to do so just yet. and in one moment, julien begins to sing his part, fingers clutching to keep the headphones snug over his ears as he stares at jerome head on from in the recording area. like he’s staring at jerome so hard while he sings his lines, daring jerome to break the eye contact as he continues to sing. but when they finally finish recording the song, it’s super awkward and quiet between them and julien packs up his things before “…are you okay getting home?” he asks, voice unsure as if he was searching for a reason to speak to jerome. (ALSO PLS I ALREADY KNOW THIS NEW ALBUM IS GONNA BE LIT AF BUT ALSO @ ERIC NAM WHERE IS THE NEW ALBUM??) julien probably gets really fucked up on halloween and sleeps through half of his birthday bc he’s not really feeling it this year and wants to stay home. BUT. indonesia is going to be a m e s s. at that point, it’s been radio silence from jerome for a long time and julien is actually hitting his breaking point. he couldn’t stand jerome not talking to him when the phone call thing happened, and this is so much worse than that. julien misses jerome terribly, and while they ended up just going home together after triple fantasy just to sleep, their relationship is in a state of flux and there’s a lot of push and pull. there’s the cover that they do for the mbc song festival, which is already tension bc it’s after triple fantasy and they’re not exactly great yet bc of the marie thing. but indonesia happens literally those next few days and it’s after icarus releases and they haven’t even talked since then and julien’s just beyond frustrated. jerome finally yanks julien into the hotel room and when the door closes julien looks at him while breathing and he lets out a sigh before plopping down on the floor. “i just want to talk to you. please. i’m tired of this, jerome.”

MY BABY’S BIG EARS. when julien sees cute little edi he gets smitten with her because her ears are big too;;;;; okay tbh though? jerome would come over to julien’s and julien and ash are sprawled out watching ‘your name’ and jerome plops down on the couch with them and ofc jerome is curious and asks who chose the movie and julien just “ouo this is ash’s favorite movie.” and they’re continuing to watch but jerome is just like /ok interesting/ and later on when the movie is over jerome asks them how they know each other and “us? ash and i have known each other since we were kids, actually. we still try to hang out, even though ash here has the busiest schedule ever” and jerome is starting to piece it together. julien just “let’s hang out again sometime? i’ll start a group text ouo” and right as he sends the messages the pair just stop and look at the group chat and who’s in it and “……….” IDK I STARTED THINKING ABOUT THIS BUT IT’S HELLA CUTE ; W ;

[softboiii]

A letter to a girl who wont stop smiling.

Dear Girl,

When did I first meet you, I really don’t know. All I know is your always smiling. Its really distracting, in a good way. 

The day I consider the first day i met you i didn’t even know your name. It was a hot sunny day and I was cursing my friend for dragging me along to the market. We were just loitering wasting time walking around and eventually out of the market. Thats when I first took notice of you, walking beside your mother. You looked familiar, that smile is not one you would let pass on crowded market or a rambunctious student lounge. Right away you were beaming at us. As you spoke I took in every word waiting and hoping for a chance to interject and join in on the banter. If I said too much i would seem too eager, too little and i would look reserved. So i waited and gave my two cents as i saw appropriate. 

Soon your mother was looking for you and you had to go. to my luck we followed you around the market cracking jokes and continuing the witty banter. we got around to the dogs, dogs! the thought jumped at me. i have a dog, does she like dogs. so i asked praying that you say yes “do you like dogs” and i watched your lips part and say “yes”. Fucking perfect Im in! i reach for my phone to show you leo and describing him along the way. little did naive me know what you would say. To be completely honest i didn’t hear much but i heard enough, “my boyfriend has”. you have a boyfriend, why? well why not, the world would not be in its right mind to just let you be by yourself. 

The evening was going so well but its ok I’m not too invested in you. although i must say it is a shame. you point me in the direction of food you were talking about and then your mother shows up. its time for you to leave. quick awkward introductions are exchanged and we go our separate ways. i check out the food you mentioned, its not worth the second thought anyway, you’re taken, why feign the interest. you don’t cross my mind at all until the next time i bump into you. 

again there you are sitting in front of me, smiling away, even i cant help not smile. cards are being dealt and i’m just staring. if you look at me I’m caught so please don’t, you don’t. soon i have to go on the inside i am reluctant but hey, act cool. don’t let the blue bird sing.

third times the charm, we talk a lot this time we talk about your assignment, you ask me a question. i know nothing so when you’re not looking i try to sneakily try to google it so you don’t think I’m stupid. but i am caught, you’re staring at me laughing as i look up from the phone. “you looked it up?” quick don’t sound stupid she’s really cute. “how else would you learn new things” i shoot back, nice one dude way to sound like a fucking retard. you ask to use my laptop and you take it and start discussing the topic with a class mate. i am no longer of any use any way. like a lost puppy i move around and finally sit down close to you so if you were ever to look up just like a puppy i would pander to your beck and call.

the memory of you having a boyfriend is lost in a stack of metaphorical papers on a messy desk that only exists in my mind.

eventually you are done and i am given a chance to grab your attention. the girls around me want to play cards, perfect, you like playing cards. you suggest playing president. its a rather simple game you come first you’re president. you come second you’re vice president. any where in the middle you’re a commoner. finish last and you’re the bitch, have the dumb luck of fishing just before last? you are vice bitch.

i had no intention of making you my bitch, you’re far to smart and pretty for that. i do see some potential a first lady but its way too soon to tell. right now you are just an infatuation a boy has with a girl wont stop fucking smiling.

please stop smiling…. please.

you move the couch creating a circle, I bring the stool and we are ready to play. but first where do i sit… next to you of course. we sit so close our legs are touching, just like pudge i count the layers clothing between us, four. the game progress i use the excuse of teamwork to get closer to you. we talk, we joke, and we playfully prod and nudge each other. 

we play for what feels like an eternity, we have been sitting together for so long my leg is sweaty i can only imagine yours is too. maybe not, maybe its just me the oxytocin seeping in to my blood stream is just increasing my temperature. there is a break in play and we are just waiting. you nudge my shoulder as if you are fluffing a pillow and rest your head.

 “wow your warm and soft”. 

why would you utter such words, do you know what it did to me? you don’t, because why would it carry any meaning to you. each syllable played at my heart strings.  

i wanted to wait like that for longer but my dumbass had to say some thing didn’t i. “do i look like a pillow to you” you move the moment i had is lost.

i go home. 

i spend the next day anxious of the night to come we are going out to drink. theres you, me, and every one else. do they have to come well if they don’t would you? ill take what i can get.

the night comes we all meet. we all drink and we laugh. you and I, we dance. i feel my self slowly get lost in the moment. we spoke about a lot of things, some heavy subjects. you saved the heaviest for last, your boyfriend. the words cut through me like bullet through water. we dance some more, well i got lost in your hands while you moved to the sound.

its dark we are in the tuk, why did i do that? thats not what i meant to do. why did i do that? whats wrong with me? why does he get down? now its only the two of us. the words we spoke are foggy but i have some recollection. you told me about your troubles with him. what comes next i remember all too clearly. we stop a little ways before our destination and walk. as i walk i tell you, i pour everything out like a bottle thats fallen over.

“i like you, i really do like you alot”- i’m sorry 

“i have never felt this way about a girl since my ex” - i’m sorry

“but you have a boyfriend ” - i’m sorry

“if you could give me the chance i would make you the happiest girl” -i’m so sorry

all you can say is “aww you are so sweet”

dont say that.

stop smiling, you really need to work on that.

we agree to be friends, albeit a hollow promise on both ends. i feel guilty for what i did. i asked to hold your hand, i feel guilty because you held mine. for me i was holding the hand of the girl who had my heart. you held the drunken hand of child, yet you held it and i cherished it. thank you but i am so sorry.

the night ends like that.

i’m so sorry, i wish i could take everything back. i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry times a million.

the next morning you have sent me a snap, it jogs my memory and i apologize. i crossed a line i never should have. i feel the weight of my actions rest upon my shoulders as the day goes on. i feel worse, what have i done why did i do that, what is wrong with me. 

i’m sorry.

i’m sorry.

i’m sorry.

its now been two days and my penance has not been payed, i continued to dwell on this. it eats at me, destroying me. please i beg,”please let me erase what i have done”. i can’t thats not how life works, its never that easy.

that night i don’t sleep, i don’t sleep one bit. 

i go to school early the next day and i am hit with karma. on the way you send me a snap that you are there early as well. of all days today you come early. i ignore you except for a reply saying hi. you never look at it and i hope you never do. maybe i should send you a text, formerly say sorry and explain myself but as i go to text you i see it. its you and him happy as a kite. it hurts so fucking bad so bad. that drives the message to me clearly i have no place in your life.

again, i’m sorry.

i’m really really sorry.

its not fair to ask me you to stop smiling.

i like you, it hurts, its not your fault but my factions have put that on your shoulders. 

now every time is see you my heart quakes, my knees go weak. i lose all rationality in my mind and just want to run. i haven’t felt this in such a long time that it feels alien, i get sacred. i’m so scared to face you, i am afraid you will smile at me but i’m more afraid that you will never look at me ever again. why should you, you don’t need to. you have all you need in front of you, you love him. for me to go against that is like to go against the Persian army, but in the stead of three hundred men there is just one, one fool.

when the fight or flight response kicks in all i can do is take flight. with my tail between my legs i will run. You make my heart do things, that my uncle, a cardiologist, cannot begin to explain. i am a coward, that has no strength to face you. i don’t want to hurt you anymore than i already have. i can only imagine the burden i placed on you with such a selfish self centered act. i hope that one day you can look back and forgive a fool like me. 

i can hope that i lessen the predicament i placed you in by saying that it was never you. you never did anything wrong, if you could go back don’t change a thing about you or what you did. it was all my fault, i’m supposed to be an adult who should be in control of my self.

i wish i could redo this,

my sincerest apologies,

the boy that fell for your smile.  

[saveregretsforthe-broken]

i havent posted anything in while but i really need to vent and everyone i know is tired of me being this way. i have not been in a very good place for a while now, and it’s not getting better. i constantly feel depressed and anxious. i thought i was improving but i think im getting worse. i havent been this bad since high school. like i dont want to do anything at all. all i want to do is sleep for real. like i have no appetite, energy, or motivation to do anything. i have been skipping my extracurricular activities and i feel like my school is slipping also. i’ve been doing worse and worse on every spanish test i’ve taken, and i took a test yesterday and i feel like i bombed it. im so stressed out for real. my job isnt helping either; it’s very stressful and demanding. i’m isolating myself from everyone and that of course makes it worse but i cant help it. i can feel people getting tired of me being like this but i dont have the energy to pretend. i dont think i can do it. i dont want to be here anymore. its too hard and im too tired. i feel like i have to be perfect at everything and i have so much going on. i am doing a project at my school and i need 100 people to help me with it and i’ve only gotten 30 so far. that on top of classes, work, and extra stuff it’s too much for me. i feel so empty and lost. i feel like i have nobody. i’ve already talked to everyone i trust about this, which is like 3 people but i dont want to bother them again. i would rather deal with it on my own and not be around them while i am like this. i also know that if i continue to do this, they will eventually give up on me. i feel like no matter what i’m disappointing people. if i act this way around, it makes them feel awkward and like they have to comfort me. i hate opening up to people i feel like when people respond theyre just pitying me. but if i distance myself from them they will move on. i attempted to talk to my “friend” about it and they just didn’t respond lmao. i always talk to my aunt about this stuff and she helps me. other than her, the only other person i actually trust is one of my professors. he’s helped me through a lot of my issues and he knows me very well. i talked to him about two weeks ago and told him everything that’s going on. he’s been very supportive of me but im still avoiding him too. i also think im avoiding him because this is my last semester with him and im trying to make it easier for me when i cant see him anymore. he’s been such an important part of my life and really served as a mentor to me, and it’s going to be so hard for me to say goodbye. even if i do stay in touch with him it wont be the same becasue i see him basically every day and to go from that to just emailing or seeing him a couple times a year is going to break my heart like im not even kidding. i dont have that many people in my life that i trust or want to open up to and he’s one of those people and i cant imagine him not being in my life anymore. i havent told him that though and i dont think i can. i would just prefer to isolate myself enough that he will just give up on me and then i won’t have to deal with it anymore. i know thats not healthy and i probably wont do that but i really really want to. i know i should talk to people and i should probably reach out to him but im scared. i am always afraid that i am being manipulative and i feel like telling people how i feel is doing that because then they usually respond the way i want them to and i feel like they just pity me and do things for me because of that. i genuinely feel like no body actually cares about me or likes me. i feel so stupid and worthless and annoying all the time. i dont feel like i have any value tbh, and ive never really told anyone that because again i feel like it’s fishing for compliments but it’s really how i feel. even if someone compliments me i dont believe it. i often make self-deprecating jokes but it’s never serious. i also feel like people get  uncomfortable when i do that too so i try to limit them but i cant help it sometimes. i feel like i am doing everything i am suppose to be doing but im still feeling this way.. i also have to work a double tomorrow, that is, if i dont get fired lmao which fucking sucks. im going to bed now