#so im like worried about that bc weve never gone this long without talking and idk what that means

[stevethehairington]

i can feel the stress up to my god damn eyeballs

idk what i’m supposed to be doing in lab this week; my best friend isn’t talking to me and idk if that means she’s dead in a ditch somewhere or if she’s mad at me or what; i have three (3) huge tests; i have chapters to edit/prep for posting; 2 more chapters to completely write; i wanted to make a nice little banner or moodboard or something for when i post it too.

i’m. going to explode. 

[chimcharstar]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

[dentixvoxel]

ough no, i have to talk abt my last therapy session even just a little bit to give context as to how i somehow ended up severely dissociating for nearly 24 hours straight (hell) and how posca markers Saved My Ass(tm)

Some long personal rambling below

so we spent nearly the entire session talking about school and such and i really didn't vibe with that since im still having severely complex feelings about the concept of "should/will i graduate this year???" and only towards the very end of the session did i go "hey so uh.... can i get checked for potentially having adhd? my mom's kinda worried abt that". And my therapist seemed very,, reluctant abt it????? bc shes not sure how much the medication would help and it was like getting hit in the face with a shovel like wait what????? when did i mention THAT????? AIEH???? bestie WHAT???? and she said that the tests ive done that got me my autismo diagnosed as kid are also used to screen for the adhd and im like ?????? well????? so i made her go and look up the last time i did one of those tests at the age of 18 to see what it concluded and lmao guess what. the things i scored lower at compared to ye avergae population can be indicative of both adhd and/or autism. My therapist jusy wasnt sure if my struggles with attentuon and memory are the autism kind or adhd kind. Like actually fuck my life. I still asked to be able to do a test again nexy session cuz fuck. My major shock was her basically telling me that since weve done all these tests already, we could just skip the whole UFMING DIAGONOSIS PART and go STRAIGHT to medication.

And then i went and fucking dissociated for 24 hours straight and oh boy those were undeniably one of the worst 24h of my life. I literally kept forgetting and remembering what i had done that day in rapid succession, it was horrible. At one point whilst playing audiosurf i noticed i wasn't even fuckin paying attention to what i was doing and was just autopiloting the game. And then my phone deciding to update without my consent cuz apparently it had died during the night which made me so fucking MAAAAAD. Going to the mall, at a bus stop my brain convinced itself that a completely random woman is a Threat for some reason??? Like i was geniuenly super tense the entire bus ride??? That was extremely weird.

At the mall out of impulse i stopped by an art store i had never gone into before and upon seeing the posca markers i felt like i was suddenly alive again. Like wow i could actually Think again?? Dont do severe dissociation kids, it's evil. When i got back home i must've still looked really off from all of that cuz my mom later told me that she feels like she needs to comfort me but based off of the look on my face.

[askullandbones]

Hi, thx so much... ugh, where do I start? I hope this doesnt seem too open or anything. Basically, Ive been having some problems with my best friend. Were both in 2nd-year uni and we go to school in diff cities. Weve been close since we started high school. And I love her, and shes usually my goto person to talk to or shoulder to cry on. But the thing is, shes much more social and Im not. She was my only friend in high school and while shes still closest with me she had others. (1/?)

Now in uni she still has tons of friends and I haven't really been able to make any. We havent rlly drifted apart but our convos are mostly limited to FB texts. Shes now rooming with another friend & I just have this crippling fear of being replaced. Bc it would be so much easier for her. And sometimes she does things that are sort of weird. I feel like im always shifting plans to suit her needs. She doesnt respond to half of what I text her. (2/3) (3 is the limit I promise, so sorry!)

Ive also begun a big Undertale fic and Im super excited about it, but even tho I've started posting it she doesnt seem to want to read it, she said she might someitme "if she has time" & "if shes bored." Which hurts. I tried to talk to her abt all this stuff last year, but she seems to have... forgotten. & I feel so bad & dont know how to deal with it, much as i ❤ her i dont always like the way she treats me. Its so hard to tell the line b/w actual worry and bein whiny. (3/4 sorry!!!!)

I know she has her own stuff going on and I try to be there for her but its so hard. Parts of me have stopped caring about her stuff as much as I should which I KNOW is awful of me as a friend, like when she told me the girl she loved didnt love her back, stuff like that, and I just dont know what to do. My loneliness has gone into hyperdrive basically, and its very confusing. Am I just being self pitying? Any advice would mean so so much to me. (4/4 I am SO SORRY for spamming you with this)

Wow this got long. Gonna put it under a cut.

Hey. Hey? First, deep breath. This might seem like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Trust me.

When you reach this point in your life your whole social dynamic is going to shift into what I’ll call ‘adult friends’. When you went to school it was super easy to make friends (or easier than it is now), because you were put in a small group of people your age and you were basically forced to interact. You might still have some of that in college, but it’s much less forced. The things that held you together with your peers isn’t really guaranteed as much to be there anymore.

First thing you need to tell yourself is that friends typically don’t get ‘replaced’ when you’re older. At least, not if you’ve stopped acting like a kid. Most of the time the friends you had in highschool are just gonna... drift apart. It happens all the time and it’s natural.

And while I can’t relate, I know a lot of people just have a large circle of friends they talk to about various things. Each friend has a different appeal. It’s not so much ‘replacing’ as it is ‘adding’.

Now I won’t speak for your friend, but from what you do mention about her not being flexible and not responding to texts, it could be a whole host of things. Maybe her schedule is just super rigid. Maybe she just forgets to respond to your texts, especially if she’s got about five different other people she’s talking to. Maybe she has nothing to say. Unfortunately these are things you’re probably going to have to talk to her about if they’re bothering you. Friendships thrive on communication.

As for her not getting into your fic... it might hurt? But try not to let it bother you.

When I was getting into Undertale and back on the writing bus I did the same thing with a friend of mine. While she’s always been supportive, she never really wanted to read it even if I asked what she thought, and after awhile I realized it just wasn’t something I could really engage with her back and forth with. She just didn’t know what to ask, didn’t really want to read a subject she knew very little about.

It hurt a little at first, but then I just realized she didn’t have the same interest in it as I did. I just sorta pushed it to the side when it came to talking to her even though it was such a big thing in my life. Instead of saying “I’m working on this Undertale fic omg you wouldn’t believe what--” I’d change how I worded what I wanted to say to be a little less restrictive. Instead I would say “I’m working on some writing and these characters are being--”

See the difference? The second is much more inclusive to someone who has no idea what the fuck Undertale is. They can still engage. I can’t force her to enjoy something I do just like she can’t force me to enjoy something she does.

And no, you are not being self-pitying. You’re worried about a friendship you cherish. You’re worried about how your friend treats you. You’re worried that things are coming between the two of you. You care enough about this friend that you don’t want to lose them, but that also means you’re going to have to work on it. You’re gonna have some awkward, intense moments coming up even if they’re scary.

You gotta be brave.

What you need to do is think. Think about your friendship. You mentioned that you think she treats you bad sometimes. Make a list of the things she does that make you feel bad. Can’t come up with an answer as to why she might do these things? Ask her. Bring it up. It’s scary, but if she values your friendship she’ll listen and you two can work things out.

But friendship is a two-way street. There are ways you can improve too. Find interests you share. Try not to feel bad when she doesn’t like the same things anymore, you’re both starting to grow up and get different interests.

Set boundaries and stick to them. You say you’re always shifting your plans and not the other way around. Stop. Put your foot down. Say no, you can’t shift these around. Don’t bend to her whims all the time. Set a hard line. She will work with you and bend her own plans too if your friendship is valued.

Most importantly though, as scary as it is, don’t be afraid that you two might just be drifting apart. A lot of friendships end after highschool and most of them aren’t because of fights. They’re just... from drifting apart. It might seem like you won’t find more friends, but you will.

I’ve been friends with the same girl since I was a teenager. She lives in Canada. I love her so, so much. When I got a divorce and she started college again we kinda just... didn’t talk much. We used to talk every single day but we didn’t anymore and that bothered the fuck out of me. I thought we were drifting apart, and in a way we kinda have.

She has a boyfriend she plays games with a lot, games that I don’t enjoy. I like to roleplay and write and play games that she doesn’t enjoy. She’s busy as fuck and I’m absolutely incompetent at conversations half the time. We don’t have all the same interests anymore and sometimes we go a full week without saying a word to each other, and we both realize things have changed a bit, but it hasn’t changed how we feel about one another. We still love each other a lot.

College is when you’re going to start to realize that, maybe, a lot of your friends you make are gonna be online. Chatrooms. Games. Writing. Roleplaying. They’re gonna scatter the globe. I have friends from Canada to the states to Indonesia and Germany. I visit the friends within an hour of me maybe... once or twice a month. That’s fine with me. It doesn’t bother me much. I talk to one friend I had in highschool maybe... once every... three months? I don’t hate them, I just don’t have much in common with them anymore. It happens.

But I should wrap this up.

Breathe. Take a nice, deep breathe. This isn’t the end of the world even if it’s scary and you wish you didn’t have to deal with it. You’ll survive even if the outcome is the worst thing you can imagine.

Friendships change over time.

Communicate your feelings.

Evaluate your own role in the relationship and if you need to make some changes too.

Set hard boundaries.

If you need more advice, I’m here.

[bigfuckingteeth]

god its been a while 

im sure nobodys reading here so lets do this . i just need to write a lot out . 

heres a timeline : march 2016 i irreversably fuck up my relatoinship to the most important person in my life, who proceeds to not communicate with me at all for four months 

april 2016 i get kicked out of my parents house again and have nowhere to go, since normally when i got kickd out i would hang out with f but . we werent speaking so i couldnt so i decided to go kick it w someone who lived far away bc i didnt want to be in issaquah where my dad might find me . bused to snohomish and staid with s for a week . we got irrevocably involved . did a lot of drugs and fucked in the forest a lot it was awesome . no going back 

summer 2016 i,m still estranged from f and am extremely bitter so figure i should just cut my losses and let him leave my life . i decided the person to fill the void he leaves is going to be s . 

august 2016 s and i move in together , by this point ive come to terms wit the fact im in love with s

fall and winter 2016 i somewhat regularly talk with f and see him like twice , we both agree we want to fix what we did wrong and be friends again but its more like.. we only bring that up when incredibly stoned like ‘shit man remember how good we used to be lets do that again’ then wed sober and not speak about it 

feb 2017 . all caught up . f is alone and takes four hits of acid bc why the hell not and we stay up literally all night talking on skype. we both decide to be mature about things , no more sarcasm and bullshit and not saying what we mean so we said a lot of things we do mean . and i always knew those things were true on some level but seeing him say it made it real . we’re in love with each other on a cellular level and we want to start like ... Doing something with that . 

which is cool and all but i have s in my life now . normally not a problem - we’re all poly . but literally all of s’s exes cheated on it/abandoned it to be with other ppl and it is extremely paranoid that i would leave it and is not comfortable with me being in a serious relationship with someone else . if i try to explain that to f hes gonna say s is being unreasonable and manipulative . if i try to explain the nature of f and i’s relationship to s its going to have a paranoid breakdown and be convinced i dont love it anymore . 

there is literally nothing i want more in life than to have a serious relationship with f . ive wanted that for years . i am absolutely wiling to lie to s about f and i’s relationship but i really dont want to it makes me feel like such an asshole but honestly. im not going to let anybody tell me how to interact with the most important person in my life . i fucking love him so much and i know together we could do incredible things and at the same time i love s so much and love living with it , these past few months have been wonderful and with s im a better person, im happier and so fulfilled, and its had such a horrible life i want to take care of it and help it actually .. enjoy being alive . 

this is so fucking stupid i never thought this would happen lmao, i never thought id be in some bullshit love triangle bc i ppersonally dont have any problem being in multiple serious relationships i never thought i would end up with somebody who wasnt comfortable with that its so stupid and i dont know what to do . i want to be as close to f as possible and really .. i cant do that if s is in my life. but i love s so so much and want it in my life this is all so fucking stupid im frustrated and want to die there are literally only two ppl on this shitty planet i care about and now theyre unknowingly making me choose between them like i just want both ? i just want to be able to love thm both without making anybody uncomfortable or paranoid or scared but i literally see no way of doing that , and IM paranoid about bringing this up to f bc im scared hed convince me to leave s idk if that would actually happen, or conciously happen, but i know f and idk .. if you want something badly you do fucked up things sometimes im scared to bring it up bc i love him and he has so much influence over me still and i think he think s isnt good for me , all three of us have hung out together during a time when s was going through A Lot of shit and did some bad things (it literally wasnt s tho .. thats a whole nother story but i know it literally wasnt s doing those things ..... okay i just have to put it here  put it somewhere but it did rape me at least once that i can remember its body did, s didnt do it but its old dead self that still is in its head did fuck i dont even want to think abut that fuck

like i know how paranoia is and i know that even if s told me it was comfortable with me being with f it rlly . wouldnt mean that . s would absolutely lie to make me feel better bc i know it wants the best for me to and is willing to sacrifice its own wellbeing for that , thats not what i want !! thats not what i fucking want but i feel like if i ever explained the extent of f and i’s connection to s it wouldnt be able to trust me andd would always be scared id leave it fuck fuck fuccckk god fuck smash my head in with a fucking rock i hate this 

so many things in my life have gotten better recently but now this bullshit , i need to navigate this bullshit and i dont know how i just want to be able to love without worrying about shit im so tired i want to cry i just want f in my life so so badly hes been gone for so long and i miss him i feel like weve missed so much by not speaking for so long , i need to catch up with him im so fucking sad just im so fucking sad