#so im glad to see the trend returning after last night

[voxmilia]

I just wanna say I really disliked how heated everyone got last night because even though everyone's feelings are valid, things started to get vitriolic and I never ever condone harassing the cast and crew

And I'm so happy today everyone seems to have taken a deep breath and decided to spread love and positivity instead

I kiss you all, it's all love now

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️

[fanofvariousthings]

Serendipity. (BTS X Reader) Part 2/?

Summary: you work at the O2 Arena in London, England. You’re a staff member there and have the “lucky privilege” of cleaning all the backstage halls and rooms. Of course you are aware of the amazing South Korean boy group who are performing there two nights in a row as you’re a fan of them... you’re running slightly late for work on the day the boys are due to arrive and end up bumping into them and try to remain professional about it but it’s kind of hard to do that when you’ve got BTS playing at full volume through your earphones as they walk into the room.

A/N: hey guys I’m glad some people enjoyed Part 1 I’m sorry that chapters are really short so far but they will get longer and this series progresses:) I also apologise for the terrible grammatical errors. I’m still undecided on who I should pair up the reader with so please comment - jimin or namjoon x

***

“And I thought Jin-hyung was bad with eating all of the good food without sharing,” Namjoon chuckled.

“YAH!” Jin responded nudging Namjoon’s arms.

“Oh my gosh... I- um- I’m so- I’m so sorry,” you stuttered absolutely gobsmacked.

“Don’t worry, it’s kinda funny actually.”

“But I- you- I- oh wow.” Your cheeks were turning more and more red by the second and if things couldn’t have gotten any worse in that moment you shakily took a step forward and ended up tripping over the hoover which you broke in the process and fell straight into a solid chest.

“Shit I’m so sorry,” you squeaked looking up into a pool of warm brown eyes. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

All of the boys stood there giggling at your clumsiness. Jungkook held you until you were steady before asking if you were okay.

“Yea- yes, I’m okay. Thank you. Sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry, you’re cute.” Hoseok have you an award winning smile full of sunshine.

Namjoon stood forward in front of his band members before smiling at you also. “We see you’re still busy in here so we’ll go to the other lounge room. Hopefully we’ll meet again...”

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N”

“Well, nice to meet you Y/N,” Hoseok spoke up again followed by a chorus of nice-to-meet-you’s and the boys introducing themselves despite the fact you already knew each members names.

You shook each members hand and were worried about them feeling your nervousness through your trembling hands as you felt there soft ones. Jimin grasped your hand slightly tighter than the rest and laughed, making his eyes crease.

“You’re more destructive than Namjoon-hyung.”

You giggled and gave them all a knowing look. Embarrassment graced itself on Namjoon’s face and you gave hind a soft friendly smile before he continued to speak.

“You seem cool and especially because your dance moves to bapsae are better than mine. I’m also glad that I’m not the only clumsy one in London right now.”

“Thanks Namjoon but you haven’t even seen my moves to the cyphers yet.” You teased him jokingly.

“I’d like to see that sometime. I guess we’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, of course. It was great to meet you all!” You giggles eyes tearing up a bit due to all the emotions that were coursing through you right now.

And with that they all said goodbye and you shut the door behind them before grabbing the nearest pillow and screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!” into it. Did you really just meet bangtan in one of the most embarrassing ways possible? You could not come to terms with it at all. That was probably the only time you would ever meet then and you made such a fool of your self. You mentally scolded yourself for being unprofessional and looking like an idiot in front of them before hastily walking out of the room and out of the backstage area. You didn’t want to get caught and questioned or in the way of the BigHit tour crew.

You collected your bag from your locker in the staff lounge before signing out of the building and leaving.

You were still jungshook from today’s events when you got back to your apartment and flopped onto the sofa with a groan or frustration and relief. You can’t wrap you head around the fact that you actually met some of your biggest idols. They were all so much more beautiful in the flesh and the way Jimin shook your hand left butterflies in your stomach. And the vibes they gave off were so humble and lovely. You could really sense how they were just like normal people and how great they were. A smile blessed your face at the thought of them.

After reminiscing over what happened you sat up and went on your phone for a while. After checking your social media you saw that #BTSinLondon was trending and scrolled through the tweets laughing your ass off at the stupid inside-Britain-jokes leaving all of the non-british ARMYS confused, who don’t understand your countries slang.

Later on after making yourself pasta for dinner you received a text from Molly. You gasped as you realised you haven’t spoken to her since you arrived at work and messaged back immediately filling her in on what happened.

Molly (O2 angel): NO WAY

Molly (O2 angel): YOU DID NOT MEET BTS

You: YES IM SO EMBARRASSED AND EXCITED ABOUT IT

Molly (O2 angel): I mean I would be too if they said to me that I was more destructive than rm😂

You: ugh don’t even

You: it stresses me out just thinking about it

Molly (O2 angel): heheh well tomorrow’s the first show so it’s gonna be a busy day

You: I know... and I will be there on time tomorrow

Molly (O2 angel): you’re only saying that because you want to see bts again and maybe rm will destroy you this time😉

You: you make me want to throw up you hoebag calm down😂

You: anyway it’s late so I’m gonna head to bed... I’ll see you in the morning and grab you a coffee to return the favour :)

Molly (O2 angel): you are a queen Y/N and pumpkin spice latte please love u

You: love you too, goodnight

After texting Molly you decided to have a bubble bath before you went to bed. It was only 9:12pm so it couldn’t hurt to relax for a bit before you drifted into your slumber. After you were done in the bathroom you changed into comfy pyjamas and cocooned yourself in bed. Your last thoughts were you thinking about tomorrow and that it would be less rushed and chaotic than it was today. Also thinking about the 7 handsome men you met today and that hopefully if you did see them again tomorrow it would be a less embarrassing situation. Little did you know...

[latetaektalk]

LITERALLY ME TOO!!! I cannot contain my excitement !! the show was on late at night for me but when I saw the picture that she was on the red carpet, I knew she would be announcing something… but I fell asleep 😭😭 I’m always asleep when she announces something! luckily I woke up a few hours into the show and saw the clip, and she was top trend on twitter!!! only downer is that the 21/10 release date is a hard date for me so I might give it a few days before I listen but I’m still so excited 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

It’s giving me 1989 (musical style) meets reputation (but like the romantic side of rep) meets evermore (sad girl feelings)... what do you think? I wonder what she’s cooked up for us!! and 3 VMAs for the ATW film, it’s what she deserves ✨ also, BLACKPINK. what a performance !!!!! the vocals, the outfits, the rap, they killed it. and rose partying it up with taylor, ah what a life they live 😭

I’m good thankyou!!!! how are you, how have you been? I literally just scrolled to your page to see when we last spoke and saw u replied, I totally missed that 😭😭😭 I’m so sorry!!! your Amsterdam trip sounds so lovely, I’m glad u had some a great time!! you saw THE MISS RODRIGO?? how was it, tell me everything! I’ve watched a lot of her tour performances online and they are so so good!!!! oh gosh how weeeird, I literally bought that book and read it at the beach about a month ago - I’ve read about half cause it’s so sad at times so I had to take a break from it, but I’ll be picking it up soon to finish it! I’ve been filling my time reading cute tiktok romcom books and watching never have I ever 😭😭 it’s such a funny show if you haven’t seen it (on netflix).

speak soon, 🦋 :) xxxxxxx

sorry bub !! ive been working 24/7 so i totally forgot to answer rip but yes oh my god i saw the news while at work and i just freaked out a little!! definitely made my morning <3 and uff i hope you get to listen to the album soon after it drops!! its unfortunate that its a busy date for you, but welp the masterpiece of an album will be waiting for you ✨

and oh my god yes i agree!! i totally get what you mean, especially when you say the romantic side of rep!! id add in the hopelessly in love but love is oh so hard side of lover to it as well !! cant believe this is actually happening tbh,, another new taylor swift album wasnt on my 2022 bingo card at all haha and oh my god yeah! the girlies really killed it on stage 💓💓 just their outfits were enough to have me in awe !! a fashion moment!! and the fact that rose was hanging out with taylor,,,,, idk who im more jealous of tbh HAHA

dont worry, bub!! its totally fine, i get that sometimes replies get eaten up and life is just busy so dont worry at all!! ive been real busy to be honest,,, i think ive had the busiest past two and half months in my life rip but theres an end in sight, so hopefully october will have me return a little more!! both socially and also here! and hehe thanks im still thinking abt my amsterdam trip on the daily tbh 💓 yes, i did!! actually still in disbelief abt it!! but yes it was as amazing and great as youd expect it to be! she is prettier even in person, and i wasnt even all that close to the stage so upclose she must be fucking insane ✨also yes she is my lockscreen now if youre wondering

and oh yeah on earth we're briefly gorgeous is painful to read but it is also so so so good and evidence for how good books can be!! tell me what you think of it when u finish it because it might just be my favourite book of this year haha and oh yeah ive heard of never have i ever!! im so bad at watching shows tho, so i havent had the chance to check it out. the last thing i watched was the office but that was also only because ive wanted to watch it for like five plus years. aside from that, i havent touched a new show since the umbrella academy/you dropped

either way, hope youre doing well 💓💓 also i hope you streamed august last month !!

[sugawithtae-blog]

BTS ‘Love Yourself: HER’ | Review (pt. 2)

READ PART 1 HERE

So after listening to BTS’ latest album, I’m left with a lot to say. Here are my first impressions, if you’re interested at all, on Love Yourself: Her.

disclaimer: if you’re easily butthurt about people criticising your faves and immediately go to attack those people - then DON’T READ THIS. also don’t take this too seriously, these are my first impressions after all. i might change my views later.

PLEASE READ: I wrote this when Love Yourself first released. It’s obviously been a long time since that happened (heck, there’s a new album just around the corner) but I’ve recently returned to this blog and wanted the Part 2 on here. A lot of my feelings on this album have evolved since it’s release. These were my first impressions and thoughts. Okay, I’m done.

Skit: Billboard Music Awards Speech

words to describe: …meh

favourite ‘lyrics’: remember what we say, “love myself, love yourself”

positives: it’s a cute speech, lol.

my critiques: OKAY SO I’M CONFLICTED. i’ll start off by reeling back to the actual BBMAs and their nomination as Top Social Artist. while i was shocked and ecstatic about their nomination and their winning of the award, i was also conflicted. our boys were officially transitioning into the western world. and while that is a huge step for kpop in general, i don’t know if it was entirely necessary. the western world; it’s a different audience. they have different traditions and trends, and while kpop is influenced by western music, i didn’t see a need for them to win an award there. let me explain some more. don’t get me wrong, i was super hyped when they were on the pink (?) carpet and going to all these interviews. i was super proud of them as a group, and i was super proud of namjoon as their leader, for how they handled everything. by the end of the night i was proud of them for reaching such a large scale audience, cos it really showed how far they’d come. by the end, i was happy for them. and that was that.

which is exactly my point. that was that. it happened. but did it deserve a special spot on this album?

in my honest opinion, no. it did not.

if bts really wanted to show their progression and accomplishment, i would have liked to have seen the MAMA award winning speech for Artist of the Year. Now ask yourself: what seems to acknowledge more of what bts has accomplished? Top Social Artist (an award that sees how popular you are on social media) or Artist of the Year (an award that sees how popular you are, but also takes into account the talent - music, choreo, production - everything you work hard at). never mind the award show, but what seems more prestigious?

The MAMA awards was iconic for BTS. we all saw how much they had dreamed of winning that award just by observing namjoon’s stressed out posture before the announcement was made, and how jin, jungkook, taehyung and yoongi cried their hearts out. and how much hoseok beamed on stage and how namjoon could barely speak. we all saw how much it meant to them.

sure, the bbmas were also a huge stepping stone for bts and kpop as a genre and as an industry. but this is bts we’re talking about. this is their album. i think the MAMA awards showcased their intense climb to the top, against a cutthroat industry, and against so many superiors that could have easily also deserved that award. it was much more commendable to win that award, in their own business, in their own industry, acknowledged by their own. but this is just my opinion.

MIC Drop

words to describe: legendary, THATBASSTHO, hype, edgy, MIC MIC BUNGEEEEE, lit

favourite lyrics: you thought i was gonna fail, but i’m fine, sorry // sorry mom, your son’s too hot // did you see my bag? my bag is full of trophies // even if i die now, i’m damn happy 

positives: uMM WHERE DO I START?

the very first time i listened to this i was thoroughly shookd and already knew i was gonna love this song 10 seconds in. actually, scratch that. i already knew i was gonna love this song when they released the tracklist.

the song itself just screams everything i love about bts. fuck the haters, fuck society, fuck the norm. this song is badass with some of the best rap i’ve heard from them. let’s start with j-hope.

okay FUCK ME. this man is so fucking versatile in his flow. by far he was the perfect choice to start this song off. also, the input of gun shots and cutoff beats added a new dimension to the song, and without them, the intro could’ve gotten boring really easily after a while. but the PRODUCTION of this track is absolutely insane, and paired with jhope’s rap, i love everything about it. then the switch from jhope to suga with the “MIC MIC BUNGEE” is mY ABSOLUTE FAVE.

now SUGA adds to the heat and everybody knows the second he starts rapping that his verse is going to be fire. he does not fail in anyway. BUT THE PART THAT SHOCKED ME WAS V’S ENTRANCE IN THE PRECHORUS UMM??? YES??? IM LIVING FOR HIS INPUT IN CYPHER’S COUSIN!!

also the beat drop does not disappoint!!!

and then rapmon comes in with his killer autotuned voice (i do not mind AT ALL) because it suits the song and the vibe so gOOD JOB BOYS (but maybe it went a little overboard but i still love it regardless). of course my boi can spit bars and he delivers.

but the bridge and the last verse has to be my absolute fav, and i love how they didn’t take the obvious route of just repeating the chorus again. instead they ended with a switched up beat and ended it on a super sweet note. juST!! EVERYTHING!! is done so well!!

my critiques: none. nada. sorry. 

Go Go

words to describe: fun, fresh, unexpected, tropical, sophisticated, stylish, feel-good, a total bop

favourite lyrics: worked hard on my pay, gonna spend it all on my stomach (relatable af) // YOLO YOLO YOLO YO (i find it funny but catchy af)

positives: this song is fun, funky, and unlike anything i’ve heard before. the mix of the bass with the flute and the overall beat is just so captivating and i CAN’T STOP LISTENING TO IT. my favourite verse has to be by rapmon because (to me at least) his voice stands out against V’s light and fun verse with the transition back to the heavy bass and beat. i also really love V’s “everybody” at the end because it gives me War of Hormone vibes (his growly voice that i absolutely LIVE for). i also love how each verse is different, so it keeps the song interesting throughout. even though i wish we had an ending beat drop to finish the song off, i don’t mind too much because at least it’s something you don’t expect - this makes it easier to listen to on repeat.

my critiques: again, none. this song is a total bop.

Outro: Her

words to describe: reminiscent, relaxed, cheerful

favourite lyrics: i wanna be the best man for you // you’re my beginning and my end, so you finish me // to me you are the morning, you woke me up

positives: this song, like many people have pointed out, reminds me of old-school bangtan. it takes me back to skool luv affair with those cheesy high school love songs. my favourite verse has to be jhopes but i honestly love all three. the chorus is a warm and fun sound, and it just makes me want to sway along and bob my feet to the beat. 

also this song was great for recovery after listening to MIC Drop and Go Go for the very first time cos i was absolutely SHOOKD by them.

my critiques: none, except for the fact that i won’t be listening to it too often. i feel that i’d have to be in the mood to listen to it. which is fine, and it’s not really a critique. i feel the same way about Intro: Serendipity and most of their solo tracks on Wings, but that doesn’t mean i don’t love them, because i do. Outro: Her is a simple and cheerful song and i love it. 

OVERALL THOUGHTS:

this album wasn’t absolutely everything i’d hoped for. it had a few hiccups with me, but overall it’s not a bad album. i’m left pleased and happy, but not fully content (or in other words, i don’t have the same feeling i had at the end of listening to some of their other albums). but that’s okay. in a way, i’m a little glad i didn’t completely love this album, because i think it’s healthy to be critical of your faves. and already a lot of these songs have been growing on me, so maybe i just need more time with some of this album. but for now, these are my final first impressions on Love Yourself: HER. thanks for reading! (if you made it to the end anyway lmao)

- Hana Xx

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #5: "my wig is scalped. i am ascending, friends." - Jake

Just realised I forgot to confess about my winner pick yet. I have predicted correctly both the the times I have done this. Looks like this is the only thing I am good at in ORG's so why not keep the trend going. With that said, my winner pick for this season is Zac...wait nooo. I said I am done with playing nice. Gotta give myself a chance , so my winner pick is Karthik. GG

Okay so the swap continues to be great! Basically my relationship with Zach has improved a lot so hopefully he is down to work with me! And it would depend on what he wants if they wanna eliminate Jake or not, I personally don’t care lmao but I think that maybe keeping Jake might help me to have options with the original Kato aswell (who Idc about but as I said I can’t close that door) but anyways I really don’t wanna have to decide yet so I wanna win this challenge more than anything right now.

We going full crackhead

not much has changed. we are immune again, and so i'm final 12 (which is the common # for merge, but i anticipate otherwise this game). it's exciting because my main goal right now, bar winning/jury, is just single digits, and i think that's achievable.

on my current tribe, i think i trust karthik the most. i speak to him daily & we have fun conversations, and he likes to mock me which is really fun for me. tim i trust but we have been lacking conversation (though i believe that's due to inactivity opposed to us being weird). i already went through miguel & jake in my last confessional so i'm not going to regurgitate that. i love all 4 of these men so much.

i can't help but think i'm majorly fucking up with my physical side. i really carried in the puzzle immunity, which was a public immunity. this means that other tribes are going to notice me. on top of that, i was in a majority like i deadass could've lost and have been fine (afaik). i sent ally/liam to tribal in the minority (luckily they thrived) & i sent another og-takagi majority to tribal and i lost one. odd, but whatever. i'm just paranoid i think because my biggest thing is skewering others perceptions of me and i think i'm making it much harder by performing exceptional in most challenges.

i'm thriving tho. i lost my trail of thought but... king. love u all. i am talking to a friend about driving n life but there was something i wanted to fucking talk about im STRESESDDDDDD. idk. yeehaw.

oh i remembered - the exile decision. though this wasn't for the complete round, it was so stupid for tim to suggest 'jess' and 'stephen' or something. like???? sister???? either send alyssa so she lacks connection & they boot her or send someone else. idk. it made no sense to weaken the social game of one of our own, but maybe he's playing it odd. regardless, miguel and i spoke in pms about it and we were on the same page (and i made a mistake of saying ''hope they vote alyssa out'' or something similar, which isn't ever my game (to elaborate: i never directly say anything but rather insinuate because im ditzy n dmubb :p)). it was just annoying like maybe i'm overthinking it but ... bye.

im getting like 7th-10th i know it.

I’m ecstatic right now, my tribe won immunity and I have officially broken my Survivor ORG record. It’s also looking like an og Takagi is goi g home tonight which helps as going into merge I want as many og kato as possible. I’m a little wary of Stephen at this point but that’s the game of Survivor. Stephen is a strong player and while I like working with him, I think he needs to be voted out down the road because he is definitely a strong strategic player like me, maybe a stronger one. Right now I need to focus on getting back into the game as I definitely was limited for the past few challenges. It showed in this challenge as I helped my tribe win the challenge. The merge is coming soon and I’m hoping to make the merge and continue showing a new side of myself, like David did in Milennials vs Gen X. Doing this helped David excel in his game and it’s helping me excel in my season of Survivor. I’m pushing myself to see just how far I can go and see if maybe I can win this competition.

So glad we won, tribals are dumb. Would’ve liked to vote out Liam though. Still, can’t wait to be the only Stephen left in the game, Stephen Prime, Stephen Supreme.

It just feels like a repeat of my previous ORG where I make the merge without ever going to tribal council and get voted out soon after. I am not so sure if this is a good thing for me. Its getting a bit boring. I want to play the game, be part of strategy talks, organize a blindside. get blindsided etc etc. These are the fun parts of the game imo and I feel these are about to happen as I am expecting the merge soon.  Hope I do not flop like my last game and last for a longer while this time around. Zach seems to like Miguel and Miguel has been feeding a lot of info to Zach. Probably they know each other from the past or something but either way they appear to be close. Zach had been planting seeds in my mind, saying more than once that Miguel seems to be cool and loyal whereas Jake is sketchy. I personally seem to connect better with Jake and feel like he is a better person to work with for me personally. He is a strong competitor and even if he doesnt happen to be the loyal kind of player, he is more of a threat and its likely that he would be targeted later in the game which are the kind of players I need around whereas I find Miguel to be a less threatening player who could slip under the radar and steal your spot at the end. I believe there would have been a push for Jake to go if we had lost but glad that didn't happen coz I do not wish to create any waves yet and cannot afford to go against King Zach's words. Fun fact - Zach has added me in 4 alliances within the past 2 days but none of those are with people in the game :)

Daniel leaving at the last vote has been a big blow to my game, but it wasn't the worst-case scenario. With me and Jess still in I still have my most trusted ally on the tribe. I questioned Alyssa about having the idol since apparently I do that to all of my allies now, but she said she didn't have it. She brought up the possibility that there was only one Hallway idol available for everyone, and while I'm not sure I totally believe that explanation she did admit that she has reached 100.

We came up with a plan last night, where she convinces Isaac that the plan is to flip me and vote Jess out. Assuming Alyssa is loyal to the plan and Isaac buys it, I shouldn't be getting any votes tonight. I'll tell Jess everything when she gets back and hopefully this vote will be 3-1. But even if Alyssa is lying to me, there's a chance Jess might find something in the basement. And if she does, well.... I'll be trying to use it to "both" of our benefits ;)

So woahhhh that double tribal huh!! I did not see either vote out happening. TJ went out on a unanimous vote and Ratboi played an idol into a split vote!!! I wonder what TJ did or failed to do in order to get voted out. Did his enemies end up on the tribe with him? And what about Ratboi. When did he get an idol? Was this from Kato or the basement?? Who split the vote in the first place? I have many questions and not too many answers as of now.

Ok so here is what I concluded so far. TJ, Jake, Alyssa, and Stephen W (The Australian) are one side of the old Kato and the other side was Miguel, Fredrico, Isaac, and Luke.

TJ ended up with Luke in the swap but Stephen W on his side so I am confusion??? Ally and Liam were there as well so idk.

So we win the challenge and I am PUMPED. Our tribe managed to work together and draft some potential questions as well as help one another out during the challenge. I managed to get a score of 7 which is dope!! Oh and our tribe also finished in first place meaning we got to send someone from the losing tribe into the basement.

The losing tribe was Atila 2.0 which consisted of Jess, Alyssa, Isaac, and Stephen Z. Now I initially thought the person going into the basement was immune so I suggested Alyssa because I know that she is aligned with Jake and I wanted to try and work with them at merge potentially. However, once I discovered that the basementee would return I switched up and supported Jake in wanting to send Jess. This was great for me because Jess is my ally and I didnt immediately suggest her so that sheds some weight off my shoulders. But umm I was also kinda rude and I stiff armed Miguel from trying to send Isaac back there. I know that they are aligned so I could not allow that to happen. I made the decision for the tribe and @'d Anna to let her know that the tribe (Aka me....) had decided on Jess. Now this could hurt my game because this could make me seem like I am hard to work with or not willing to compromise but only Miguel would think so and he's one of my targets so lol.

Hopefully at Attila's tribal Isaac goes home and the merge happens so I can slay it.

What isn't going on? That is the real question...

Let's take it back to BEFORE Daniel's departure.

Prior to the vote ( literally 20 minutes before) I went on call with Alyssa and I can't tell if I'm just sipping Paranoid Bitch Juice™ or not.... BUT the first thing she asks me is if I have the idol. I was thrown off because.. 1) Why are you asking me this BEFORE A VOTE...AM I BEING VOTED OFF?. 2) Why do you have a SMILE on your face while asking me this. Anyways.. I've come to the conclusion that she may have an idol and isn't telling me because I want to kill her in this game. The purpose of this call was to warn her that I was actually voting out Isaac so she wouldn't be blindsided. I was trying to sugar coat it. Telling her I was conflicted and that Isaac may or may not have an idol but then the Google Hangouts link was sent and I didn't have enough time to tell her. After this Chaos and Daniel going I was hella shook. Alyssa seemed pissed at me and at that point I had no regrets. An idol was flushed and someone who would potentially come after me was gone. It was a major win/win situation for me personally. Then TJ going on the other tribe.. someone who potentially would have came for me... also: another freaking win.

THEN my night gets turned upside down and I'm summoned to the basement. I can't tell if the other tribe sent me there so I could find something and they LOVE ME or because they wanted to MURDER me in this game. It's still up in the air tbh. Being away from my tribe for a long period of time was scary. I'm kind of just hoping my relationship with both Stephen and Alyssa are solid and we can bo$$ this game up. However, am I afraid of Isaac possibly finding two idols in the basement? yes? do I want to be a paranoid bitch once again in a game? no? am I dying on the inside and thinking it could be me tonight? yes? am I going to drink wine before tribal? basically.

My game plan is simple. I'm going to be straight up with Alyssa and say I'm NOT doing Stephen. She either will vote out Stephen and we tie and we can go to rocks. 50/50 odds. Or she can keep Stephen. That's it. If an idol is played and I'm who they vote out.. I'll probably cry.

I refuse to even look ahead to after this tribal because I'm sort of extremely uncertain.

Fuck this week, man. I'm so glad that Ally and I went from a minority to a tie at the best, but I'm just not super confident in much right now. Hopefully we just keep winning.

hi i literally don’t have anything to say because nothing has changed since last round

i’m rly glad tj left i liked him but i liked everyone else more... and he VOTED me i’m glad daniel left in the tie on the other tribe cos we never spoke and i’m close to stephen z it’ll be interesting to see how their tribal goes this time with 2-2 tribal lines. i’m excited. i love jess and stephen so i’m rly hoping nothing happens to them that’s p much it. i got nothin. sry.

Sisters this might be the end of the road for me. I hope it’s not because I’m having a blast but this 2-2 fuckshit is annoying. If I go I have a successful idol play to my name and a few iconic one liners, see y’all in All-Stars. Rotten Luck.

Isaac is voted out in a 3-1 vote.

[fortune-failing]

Zarek Skit

(After Beaford Skit) Zarek: Zarek heads out of the inn and spots London nearby, then approaches him. "Hey London, are you still trying to be alone or is it ok to ask a few questions now" Zarek asks with a serious look on his face London: His demeanor is notably calmer than before when he replies. "Yeah, we can talk." Zarek: "Were you telling the truth yesterday?" London: "You mean last night?" Zarek: "Yes last night"

London: He struggles to reply before answering, "Well, yeah. Everything I said last night was definitely the truth. Can't say the same for this morning." He mumbled. "But I can see why you wouldn't believe me, if that's the case. I won't blame you." Zarek: Zarek looked a bit angry "Yeah, hearing you yesterday made me think you had learned a thing or two but by what I saw this morning I would doubt it" London: "Who said I was trying to learn something?" He returns the tone and expression. "If this is about Faelian, I was just trying to scare him away. But I've realized that won't work." Zarek: "Look, I'm not really as close to faelian so I don't care that much about it, but you went too far with what you did. We don't need fights or to lose team members right now" London: "If he leaves we'll be okay anyway. I trust our team." Zarek: "Don't get overconfident. We need as much help as we can get." London: London seems hesitant and turns his head away. "What if I find someone who's just as strong or more powerful than him?" Zarek: "An 8th team member could prove really useful." London: "You're so difficult! Is it that hard to consider your ally's feelings?!" Zarek: "Which one are we talking about here. Faelian or you?" London: He grits his teeth and glares. "Both of us." Zarek: Zarek sighs. "Man, I can't believe you would say that to me after how Faelian looked this morning. I admit I'm being difficult because I'm really worried about our general situation, I feel forced to try to keep us all together." Then he looks at London "Now it's your turn to admit why you're being difficult." London: London looked hurt by the reminder. For a moment he just held his scarf and contemplated what to say before continuing. "I'm sorry for yelling. It's just a lots gone on, and I guess I'm just stressed from everything. I know it's not an excuse for what I did." "Lacie's death reminded me of a lot of things, and then I forced myself to say it all because I thought it might be for the good of the group. But I really shouldn't have. It just made me feel worse." He sighed before continuing. "I'm just really scared. Not for myself, but for Faelian. I really wouldn't mind if I died right here, but that guy's got such a problem. After all of these years, he still won't leave me alone. He's just really clingy, you know? I keep telling him to make more friends, but he never listens. He seems totally dependent on me, and it would break him apart if he saw me dying. I don't want to risk that. I never meant to be friends with him this long in the first place. He's just made my life difficult." He huffed. Zarek: "Man, that's a lot to take on at once." Zarek smiles a bit "I find it ironic that you would tell him to make more friends, do you at least try to follow that advice yourself? This way of being 'selfless' that you have... it's pretty bad for yourself." Zarek pauses for a bit "I think Faelian is a really good fit for you, being so clingy, I might be overstepping boundaries by saying this but it does sound like you need someone like that. Plus, if you think it would break him apart to see you die im sure it would be just as bad to go away and never see you again." London: "Mm, I don't know if you've noticed, but I have a lot of trouble getting along with people. " He said this while scratching lightly at the side of his chin. "I mean, I can make decent first impressions, but it's not long until I do something to screw up. I've probably brought this on myself. I kind of gave up on getting along with others a long time ago, so now it just feels natural to me. I feel like, as long as I can get Faelian to cling on to the next person, then I shouldn't have anything to worry about. And if he hates me, then I won't have to worry about him being sad if I die, right? But he really refuses to feel that way. I just shouldn't have let him follow me around in the first place." Zarek: "I have obviously noticed. But after what you told us and now that you're trying to make Faelian hate you... it sounds like a trend of pushing people away." Zarek thinks for a bit and then looks back at London "You know, it's making me pretty uncomfortable how accepting of your upcoming death you're being, and it's not only becuase I consider you a valuable asset of our team, it's also because I consider you my friend, I don't know if you agree on that last part tho." London: "Yeah, I guess I am. Beaford said happy memories make everything worthwhile, I suppose, but I always feel like things fall apart just as I'm hoping for something better." His voice gets noticeably quieter and strained, as he looks downward. "It's just hard to hope for anything anymore. I really wanted to help her.." Zarek: "I also wanted a better life for her but I guess you were much closer to her than me in the short time we knew her... I'm sorry, I really don't know what to say." London: "It's fine. I mean, I hardly knew her, too. I probably just sympathized with her too much. When I was little, I was grateful I at least had my parents, but she didn't even have that. If we weren't headed for danger, I wouldn't have minded if we took her along. But I guess this is just wishful thinking." He sighs. "Do you really consider me a friend after everything? I mean, I've screwed up more times than I can count." Zarek: "Not having anyone to take care of you must be really tough, I can't imagine having to live it at that age. But yes, I do consider you a friend, I'm sure you've made me angry more than once but that's normal with anyone... You've proven to be a reliable guy when its needed and this conversation has only convinced me more of what a nice guy you are..." Zarek snickers a bit "Would it be too much of an empty compliment if I called you one of my best friends if I'm not a guy with many friends?" London: "Pfeh, you have bad taste. But I must be doing something right if you like me.." He sighs again but this time it's a lot lighter. "I probably should have said this ahead of time, but Beaford said he would take care of Faelian if anything bad happened ever to me." London took a few steps away before continuing, making sure any blush on his face couldn't be seen. "N-not I'm not planning on dying or anything, anyway!.. Ahem." Then he turned around to face him again. "Thanks for relying on me, Zarek." Zarek: Zarek smiles "It's no problem. I'm counting on you to take care of yourself out there, I already told you yesterday but don't hesitate to ask me anything if you need." London: "Hm. Got it." He smiled then thought for a second, "This is kind of late, but uhm, sorry about Shura. I was really petty and ruined any chance you had with her, huh?" Zarek: "You were petty? Come on, I outed you just because I was in a bad mood back then. We both weren't at our best back then" Zarek laughs a bit "Plus, I didn't really take any chances by myself. It's not your fault" London: London waved his arms to deny it. "No, I really have no excuse! I actually found out some pretty important info in there (the whole Taulgeese meetup thing, I mean), but I kept it from you despite the fact it involved you the most. I'm just glad it didn't result in anything bad happening. But I still tried to ruin your chances with her on top of all of that. I went overboard. It kind of sucked since we were getting along right after that hot spring prank, but I'm glad we can be friends again." Zarek: Zarek crosses his arms "Man, if you're gonna insist the whole thing is your fault I guess I have no other choice but to say i forgive you, huh?" He grins "I'm also glad we're friends, I'm happy we had this conversation." London: "Yeah. So I'm going to go try to patch things up with Faelian sometime. He probably still needs some support from others, though. I think he needs some time away from me. So if you see him, keep an eye on him for me, please!" London's already taking some steps back ready to go Zarek: Zarek reaches his arm out as if to object "I- I don't think I'm the most fit to look over him specifically... But, I... can try since you asked me I guess. You should really patch things up with him soon though, if he's as clingy as you say maybe won't need much time away if you're actually honest this time." London: "Yeah.. I don't approve of it, but he's still way too forgiving, but whatever. Thanks, Zarek!" He goes Zarek: "No problem."