#so im delaying work until i acutely have to do it to actually have time to get through everything w/o stressing me half to death

[paralien]

How much pokemon can I play at work instead of working local fool thinks

[ithisatanytime]

Boring ass shit about my sleep schedule with some potentially really helpful advice reddit style, its long too, bonus jew stuff at the end. here ill help you out the advice is if you are experiencing a depressive episode stay up for a couple days, look how long this title is, are you sure you want to do this?

   ever since i was a kid i had a hard time sleeping at night and i distinctly remember going to bed at seven pm, and being bored shitless until the following morning, this happened WAY to  frequently. it wasnt that i had a nocturnal circadian rhythm because half the time, my sleep schedule was borderline normal, the other half i was nocturnal and in the middle a fucking hell ride week where of the seven days in a week i would sleep on two of those days, so 48 hour days and 56 hour days abound. what i eventually figured out is that if there is such a thing as delayed sleep phase syndrome i have it. typically you find it in blind people or just regular joes isolated from all external incators of what time it is (sunshine,moonshine,bird noises etc) they found when isolated like this most peoples schedule would shift from a 24 hour to a 25 hour day or something close to that, in practice it means everyday your body will gear you up for sleep an hour later and you will wake up an hour later, this is aaverage, lets say you hold a job and you gotta be up by six, well for part of your month you will average about an hour less sleep every night, until you have no sleep for several nights, and eventually it swings back around and reses. what i learned from school  and every job i ever had is that, your body doesnt seem to actually give a fuck when or how long you sleep, it tells you in no uncertain terms it doesnt want to be up for instance even if you had gotten a full eight hours, this is not normal groginess and sometimes you will feel as though you are fucking full on wasted drunk (without the fun) even though you managed through drugs or force of will to get a full nights rest uninterrupted. or lets say you try to shift your sleep schedule because your body is telling you to go to bed at 2 PM and that is impossible to accomplish for any days in a row, try it sometime, let your peeps know you are turning in at 2 pm and suddenly you are the worlds most important man, the world doesnt function without you in it doing mundane shit. anyway i digress, you say up for 24-48 hours, telling yourself i will go to sleep at  like ten pm, or just some regular human hour, after 48 hours i shit you not, you will get a second wind if you push past the 2pm bedtime your body so retardedly desires and you will be up again until 2-4 pm the following evening, and if you do manage to fall asleep at some regularish nightime hour you will be displeased to find yourself waking up about two hours later and on exactly the same circadian rhythm you started with. now because i cant expect the whole world to revolve around my convoluted bullshit, other people will urge you to adapt, and they usually arent friendly about it. but i tried everything before i found what “works” which is just adapting to working with accute sleep deprivation. you see once my circadian rhythym hits that “go to bed at 3pm” mark, for a full week i  will stay up for 48-56 hours at least twice. usually two days, a day where i sleep at some random time for a few hours, and then three days of zero sleep. no one would choose this because fucking youtube is just too entertaining to miss. anyway now on to the potentially useful advice.

 once you have been up for 36-48 hours you will enter into accute sleep deprivation, and accute sleep deprivation is the most sure fire way ever discovered to snap someone out of a  deep depressive episode. there have been many studies on this, google it. and im here to tell you it works. in fact it works a little too well, because often i find myself in a position where due to life circumstances, the weather, the phases of the moon, i will be deeply depressed for a long stretch, this time it was a solid month, no breaks (until this week) but as soon as acute sleep deprivation came on, it totally subsided, i life my ass off all fucking day and night, not quite manic, but just happy. finding joy in the little things again. the problem comes when after multiple days of not sleeping you stop wanting to sleep, because you know full well that you will wake up feeling down in the dumps, and besides you feel great. but you arent great, you WILL see things, not clowns or dead relatives, the most common hallucination i get is seeing distinctly spider like movement in the corners of your vision, it will make you jump and it will happen often, there are plenty more side effects that are worse, but i find that one the most interesting, i recal reading a study where they would show  individuals benign photographs, leaves on trees, sailboats, shit like that, and for some infinitesimally small amount of time, a couple milliseconds the shape of a spider would appear the image, and most participants had a measurable fear response. the amount of time the image was displayed should have made it impossible to visually analyze what they were seeing, faster than the response to most things, and it may have been the same study or i might be confounding it with another similar study, but even VERY young infants show fear response when it comes to spiders, with a very low likelihood of it being a learned experience (too young). i have suspected for along time that early man must have dealt with a particularly small venomous arachnid that was enough of a threat that we developed specialized hardware in our brains to detect and react to spiders. and when we are in acute sleep withdrawal this particular bit of brain hardware malfunctions. i wonder also if this isnt related to formication ( the feeling of bugs crawling on the skin you pervert) being a common symptom of many neurological disorders and as a drug side effect. maybe this very distinct feeling was selected for in light of that same dangerous arachnid.

all that to say, if you feel super fucking depressed, and its bad, just dont sleep for a day and a half, two days. it might only be a temporary fix but sometimes thats all it takes to build a little momentum. one of the strangest realizations i had (way too late in life like most of my epiphanies) was that the average person or rarely if ever stays up for 24 hours plus let alone fifty plus sixty plus, which for me is a monthly occurrence. i may be down playing the difficulty of achieving this for the average joe, and especially the average depressed joe. remember kids, thats ACUTE sleep deprivation not CHRONIC sleep deprivation. meaning it has to be all in one go, missing few hours here and there likely contributed to your depressive episode in the first place. go big or go home.

 I’d like to go on to describe my view of “depression” at length here but this is already long as hell (im on my second 40+ hour stretch this week) so ill save it for another time, but long story short (we’ll see) the understanding of it as a “chemical imbalance” has little scientific backing and the most commonly utilized treatment (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors or SSRIs) have equally scant data to support their effectiveness beyond edge cases according to the available literature. i suspect and im not alone in this (it might actually be the scientific consensus i dont remember) is that depression is an evolutionary adaption, when faced with a complex problem we become lethargic, our reward center doesnt dole out that sweet sweet dopamine and our brains enter a state conducive to solving complex long term problems. unfortunately in our modern world of today (parenthesis) most of our problems are socioeconomic, with a much larger emphasis on the economic, our problems arent tribal or communal (thanks to bad actors obliterating community life in the west) though some our. depression isnt really conducive to regularly attending night classes and networking for like two fucking years, so now depression is seen as maladaptive. i however think certain bad actors spent 80 years at least (it was definitely more than that but the effects of their hard work became very apparent starting in the sixties,)  making life intentionally way fucking harder for westerners in ways that would make anyone with a brain kind of depressed. then they just “diagnosed” the natural response to the traditions and rules we used to organize our societies in a way that ensured the most amount of life satisfaction for the largest number of people possible. they then sold them the “cure” which in my experience, makes matters significantly worse for a large chunk of the patients, my only seriously suicidal period also happened to be when  i had been newly prescribed SSRI’s (the circumstances that let me to hop on SSRI’s certainly contributed and confounds my anecdote) but also the only serious suicide attempts i had seen were under the same circumstances (i seen some gnarly hit). heres the kicker, SSRI’s arent even the main “cure” they were peddling to fix the depression they caused, the main cure for the modern world (see wiemar era germany) is opiate class drugs!! the purdue company is not owned by frenchmen, though the ceo, Mr. SACKLER passed away this year and the tribe have in recent times (less than a year) been shuffling out tribesmen for non tribesmen faces to head these companies, they had gotten lazy about it in the past handful of decades, who was counting after all? id love to go into  detail about how the tribe has traditionally made a good chunk of its living peddling vice to no none europeans, and how doctors and dentists were handing out vicodin, norco and percocet like candy for decades which led to our current opioid crisis but jesus christ this is long and no one is reading it but you, im not even gonna proofread it, its your problem now.