#so im at the point where im having a meltdown cant calm down and being aware i have no fucking say in shit at the end

[thetimelordbatgirl]

Shout out to my mother for being a fucking liar because despite claiming to care about my autism, she instantly starts yelling at me as soon as I enter a meltdown.

[lace-coffin]

Hi im that person that asked for the stufed toy thing and oh my god i loved it so much i loved everything and onece your requests are open sorry im asking while they are shut i had this sudden idea for a request sorry😭😭 ive also kinda got 2 ideas soooo sorry😅

But like a reader that is obsessed with drawing and loved to draw cute and sweet drawings to give to asa to do with their hyper fixation or every time they are with him they start ranting to him about it or them i dont know but he would be so educated on their hyper fixation unless its bugs then he would already know everything haha

Or idea 2

The reader likes to lick things randomly for no particular reason they just like to do it or they love physical touch and cant get enough of it always cuddling with asa at night as close as they can and just imagine them cuddling and they just lick him then he just gets confused that would be so funny to imagine😭😭

Or the reader for the same type of thing as the plushie one but instead music to calm them down and they would have like a tiny crying fit for their headphones bc i have had alot of meltdowns over not having my headphones its crazy i love your writing so much hope u have a good day❤️

Asa Emory x Autistic!Gn!Reader with a new hyperfixation

Requests are open!

Hi I hope you like this! I totally crammed my last two fixations into this < 3

Call Asa old but he wasn’t exactly up to date on video games. He defiantly was now at least, not that he had much choice. You were always flipping between interests, intensely talking and interacting with one topic for weeks or months at a time and then switching to another that catches your interest. It’s been Sonic The Hedgehog for atleast 3 weeks now.

He didn’t exactly picture his desk to be filled with pictures of anthropomorphic hedgehogs but here he is, he kinda signed up for this when he stuffed you into the trunk, knowingly or not. As long as you’re happy then he’s happy, even if he thinks you’re spending a little too much time on that GameCube you begged him to bring to hotel..

A few weeks pass and it’s now the Saw franchise. Victims being “tested” in disgusting gory traps by a man that fancies himself to be god? This is more up to his speed..pun unintended.

A series of excited knocks sound from the door of your masters workroom. Stretching his taught shoulders and neck he takes inventory of his aching muscles, he supposes he can take a break to spend some time with his puppy. Slumping back in the chair and swinging it to face to door Asa calls you in. “Enter”

Keeping your eyes pinned to the floor until given further permission you enter the room, shuffling over to drop to your knees in front of your owner, waiting for the order. The currently unmasked man drinks in your appearance, oversized jumper falling to sit on your neatly pressed together thighs and the collar he places on you every morning slightly twisted, the tag not where it should be.

“Eyes up pet” he says firmly, snapping his fingers to emphasise the point. Jumping a little at the suddenness you snap your eyes up to meet a fond look on master’s face, you relax a little, letting out a sigh.

Shuffling to prop his chin up with his fist in interest, Asa continues.

“What can I do for you pet?”

Visibly perking up and practically vibrating on the wooden floor you push the paper into Asa’s face, defiantly too close, there’s no way he can actually see it like that. Realising this you settle to put it in his lap and stare back at him hopefully.

“I drew more pictures! I wanted you to see..” you reply a little shy, suddenly realising how loud and excitable you had been, insecurity creeping in. Asa recognises you shrinking in on yourself and tuts. “Can I see, cricket?” He adds softly, prompting you to show him what you’ve been working on, he never wants you to feel ashamed about you’re passions even if you’ve been taught in the past to ‘tone it down’

Asa wants all of you, he accepted that from the moment he hoisted you into the box, to the moments when he firmly settles the collar around your throat every morning.

Soft smile settling onto your face you hand over the paper, not ignoring the way your knuckles brush against your masters during the exchange.

You wait with baited breath as he looks the paper over, you know he would never say anything demeaning about your art but you can’t help feel a little anxiety when letting someone in on something special to you. Todays drawing is a rough sketch of your for a saw trap, it’s grisly and frankly disgusting, you don’t envy anyone that would end up strapped down and desperate on the other end of it. Obviously you have no need for a contraption like that, but it’s only an (admittedly) sick fantasy.

After flicking through the diagrams and reading the notes as best he can (it’s not your fault he can’t read you’re handwriting well 🙄) a strange look crosses his face..it’s almost like you can see the cogs working in his brain. this could either be fantastic or a disaster, Asa isn’t one to do things half assed, it’s always all or nothing.

“Can I use this?” The silence is suddenly broken, his sclera eyes raising to meet your own, not any less eerie than when hidden behind his mask.

A strange feeling begins to pool in your stomach, should you feel exited? Proud that he wants to use your plans? Or disgusted? Sick to your stomach that the plans you never envisioned actually coming to fruition will be used to torture some poor individual? Unsure how to feel or respond you stare back at him, lips slightly parted as if trying to muster something up.

“These are wonderful cricket, they may need a little tinkering to make them functional but regardless this design is…fascinating.” A sickly sweet smile sits on your masters lips as he hands the paper back to you, ruffling your hair and placing a chaste kiss to the crown of your head.

Stunned and with a pit in your stomach you nod dumbly, leaning into the affection and practically purring. The idea that you’ve just essentially sentenced someone to their painful and unethical demise is soul crushing…but also a little thrilling? Has your owner really rubbed off on you this much? It’s not like you don’t know what he does day in and day out but it’s never been this..personal.

Asa slaps his knees (like the old man he is) and rolls back over to the desk, pushing away his current projects and random hardware to make room for your (his) new trap.

“Can you bring me the paper please, doll?. I would like to get started as soon as possible.”

Shaking off the ever building dread you pull yourself up, a little unsteady due to the burning in your thighs from sitting in one position so long. Placing the paper on his desk you stare back at him, waiting for further instruction. you’re not sure when he ended up ingraining that response into your mind but at this point it’s not worth questioning, it’s not hard to see that the pair of you are living in your own little world outside of normal society by now.

“You’re welcome to either sit by me as I work and give input considering it’s you’re design or you may sit on your bed and wait for me to finish”

You glance over at the cushy pet bed across the room from Asa’s desk…a lay down does sound ideal right now, maybe a nap will help clear your head? Or swallow the guilt.

“I’m gonna lay down sir, maybe nap a little, promise I won’t snore and distract you” you tease, giggling and feeling a little better in yourself.

Asa huffs out a chuckle at your joke. “I’ll be sure you don’t little bug.” He says, smiling gently at you. You turn to leave before being stopped in your tracks.

“One more thing, pet”

Cool gloved hands slide around your neck making you shiver at the contact, the small misplaced silver tag is slid back into its original place, proudly stating your name and owner on the front like a brand.

“There we go, much better”

Blushing a little you thank your owner and wonder off to the dog bed, curling up and lazily watching him work from afar.

[ditzydoodiary]

autistic ramble about twilight sparkle because i love her sm and shes my fave autistic comfort character !!!

this took a really long time to make, and im really proud of it, so any reblogs/reshares would be appreciated ! especially if you like mlp !!

when people say she isnt autistic, i always find myself very surprised. i think to myself, have these people even watched the show??because yes, while the writers and lauren faust may not have intended for her to be explicitly autistic, she is very clearly portrayed that way, intentional or not. not to mention that lauren faust (creator of friendship is magic) has recently responded to a tweet saying that she thought pinkie pie being adhd was obvious; lauren faust has adhd herself, so its not surprising that so many of the mlp fim characters also posess many of the same traits as her. and i also raise the question; if she thought pinkie pie was obvious as having adhd, then why would twilight be any different?? she is very clearly autistic, but i dont think twilight's obvious neurodivergence has been addressed by lauren yet (unless im wrong of course, but i just haven't found anything about it when ive searched for it).

anywho, to list just a few of twilight's autistic traits:

- trouble socialising and making friends (this is literally the main plot point of the first few seasons and is even still present in the later seasons, so its not like this was just a one time thing). an example of this would be in the very first episode when twinkleshine, lemon hearts, and minuette invite her to moondancer's party; she awkwardly declines, saying that she needs to catch up on her studying instead. to this the other ponies say, "ugh, does that pony do anything except study? i think shes more interested in books than friends"

- she has a very obvious special interest in reading, books, research, and the study of pony magic. she indulges in these interests to such a level where she often loses track of time and stays awake all night, and often misses out on opportunities to socialise with her friends. when she cant indulge in them, she gets upset. this ties into finding comfort in routines, too.

- taking things literally (e.g: that part in "look before you sleep" where she takes rarity's statement about them getting warmer in regards to playing a game literally). look before you sleep is also a great episode showing her need to have everything planned out; in this episode, twilight has her first slumber party, and uses a slumber party planning book as a guide. she thinks has to follow every single instruction in the exact same order, and when rarity and applejack dont oblige, she gets upset.

- HEAVILY relies on schedules and planning. she utilises all kinds of lists; visual lists, written lists, checklists, etc. when she's unable to stick to her routines/plans, she becomes irrationally upset and/or angry, lashes out at other people and can have meltdowns. this is again shown all throughout the show, but is more prominent in the episode "lesson zero".

- LOVES organising, lining things up, and finding visual patterns in all sorts of things. she'll often just do this for fun and as a way to calm down, while others might find this more of a chore. i suppose this can be done as a form of visual stimming? I don't really know what this is called; but i know a lot of autistic people do it. i suppose this could also tie into needing routines and structure, as organising things can help autistic people feel more in control and can provide a sense of stability.

- she can often come off as insensitive or rude without meaning to, and sometimes she struggles with tone as well as being quite blunt. this is most likely due to her misunderstanding or being unable to read typical social cues. this could also perhaps be linked to low empathy, which is something a fair few individuals on the spectrum experience. this is especially true in the earlier seasons, but still shown in the later seasons as well.

- twilight also struggles with regulating her emotions and having meltdowns; this is typically the result of her needs not being properly met and her routines being changed. and when she's not having full blown meltdowns, she can at least be seen being snappy towards her friends when overwhelmed.

- stimming !!! oh boy does she stim a lot. stomping her hooves, jumping up and down, PACING (this is a big one), teleporting spontaneously when overwhelmed, flapping her wings, etc. in fact, twilight once paced so hard for so long that she made a groove in the floor without even realising !! (this was seen in the episode "its about time" - which is also a good episode that showcases her autistic traits)

- shes also sometimes shown struggling with overstimulation; in the third episode of the series, "the ticket master", twilight gets overwhelmed by her friends crowding around her and loudly shouting, resulting in her running off and snapping at them.

- shes often shown struggling with generalised anxiety, which is another common trait of autism.

and the best part is, this is obviously a common occurrence, and her friends fully support her through her struggles !!! her meltdowns, overthinking and anxiety are so frequent, that her friends know exactly what to do and how to help her.

obviously, this isn't every trait, this is just all the surface level stuff !!

i would have included more video and photo examples, but tumblr has a limit on how many you can add to a post :( i hope i still got my point across despite that !!

all in all, i think she's wonderful autistic representation !! even if this wasn't intentional, i still think it's great and love the way her personality and traits were portrayed. the main character of a children's show possessing these traits is awesome and something you don't see too often !! i hope lauren or at least someone on the production team talks about this, because it means a lot to myself and many other autistic people who love mlp <3

[curious-menace]

Riddler hug/cuddling Headcanons

so like. no excuse for this, its pure self indulgence but tbh id kinda like a hug so im imagining how these nerds might give me one.

warning, i got very carried away with writing. 

Arkham !Riddler

oh boy arkham riddler REALLY needs a hug. he is probably the most touch starved of all the riddlers, definitely the most clingy. he is too afraid of being hurt, physically or emotionally, to be the one to initiate the hug and if you come to him he will absolutely fight it. at the start anyway.

he’s going to cry if you give him a decent hug. he’s been so high strung for so long that a simple touch like that is going to send him overboard.

it starts off with him a stiff as a board, tense incase he needs to run away. but once he realises you wont hurt him he’ll start to relax a little, he usually crosses his arms across your back, under your arms rather than over. he also likes to rest his head in the crook of your neck.

like i said, he’ll probably cry at some point, so he becomes tense again as his shoulders shake, he starts to dig his hands into your back for fear you’ll let go. he keeps burying his head into your neck/shoulder so you cant see how red his face and eyes have gotten. he’s embarrassed to be like this over a hug, especially around you.

after that he will always be in your space. he’ll want to lie across you on the sofa, sit in his lap/ him sit in your lap while he works on his computer and he literally cannot sleep at night unless you have at least one arm draped across his back ( but preferably let him curl up in your arms completely )

he’s quite boney tbh. when you hug him you can feel his ribs and spine, he really likes to press his entire body to yours. He also hugs quite hard so don't be surprised if you lose your balance when he runs to you.

Blacklight! Riddler

blacklight riddler used to be like arkham riddler, he was touch starved and desperate for affection. But unlike arkham riddler, he actually receives hugs on a regular basis. 

He’s around 5ft8 so he is a great height for giving and receiving hugs. if you are smaller than him he likes to rest his head on top of your head , maybe give optional head smooches while hes at it. if you're taller than him he likes to press his face into your chest/neck, especially if this is a comforting hug. Your scent is calming to him 

he hugs kinda weird. its always one arm over your shoulder and one under your arm. He also likes to sneak up on you, rest his chin on your shoulder while he’s hugging you. strange but at least they're warm and soft.

i've mentioned before he likes to sleep in people's laps, but he enjoys being big spoon just as much as little spoon. he likes having people sit between his legs but he is very fidgety, don't expect it to last for long. 

he’s not clingy persay, but he does love sharing space with people. hes a “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile” kind of person when it comes to personal space.

the only time he doesn't like hugs (rare as that is) is when he’s having a meltdown/implosion. SOMETIMES he likes deep pressure to calm himself but it should really come from something like a T-jacket or a weighted blanket. if you touch him when he’s like that it’ll just stress him out more. just use your words and give him some space. Later, when hes calm or if he’s feeling embarrassed about having a meltdown/implosion somewhere people can see him, that's the time he’ll want comfort. 

BTAS! Riddler

this riddler is a bit touch adversed. he usually tolerates hugs in a social setting but just about. other people touching him, particularly people he doesn't know well , sets his teeth on edge. 

its different with people he knows, however. he’s very casual with his hugs, and very happy to have You in his personal bubble. even if its just tossing an arm around your waist or shoulder as you walk, its nice to be near a comforting presence like you are to him. he’s fond of hugs that don't close you both in, even though he can usually see over the top of you, it makes him feel claustrophobic 

hes pretty tall, you’d be hard pressed to be level with him so he usually hugs by putting his arms around your shoulders, maybe crossing his wrists at the back of your neck. as he is so tall, most peoples hugs on him will probably be around the waist. don't be surprised if he bends down to give you a quick peck or head bump while you're hugging him.

Its sometimes hard for him to spoon given he is quite tall, but he doesn't really mind what position you maneuver into to give him cuddles. he likes to rest against people while sitting on a sofa or lie with his head on your shoulder in bed

He gives good comforting hugs, he’s naturally very warm both in personality and temperature . lots of “oh darling dry those eyes” or “there there my love” with head pats and soft cooing . he wont even complain if you mess up his suit by balling your hands in the fabric or crying all over his sleeves. and he REALLY likes his suits. 

can be a little patronising with the head pats but honestly, he is a gentle giant type guy, he doesn't mean to be rude, everyone is just so small compared to him he cant help but treat them like kids sometimes. 

Original!Riddler

another tall lad, but he’s like one of those big dogs who doesn't know he’s big. He is friend shaped, gives excellent hugs that are very warm and all encompassing. you would feel very safe getting a hug from this riddler

the only danger is being squished a little. sometimes he doesn't quite know his own strength when it comes to hugs.he’s particularly bad at this while cuddling in bed. if he’s half asleep and you try to move away, he might reflexively latch on and inadvertently hurt you in the process. the utter horror of thinking he’s hurt you is enough to make him not want to be near you for a few days while he apologises profusely .

he is very lanky, his hugs can wrap all the way around you until his arms are nearly touching him on the other side. only a small risk of being suffocated. 

he likes it when his partner jumps for him, into a hug so he can catch them and spin them in his arms. no idea why, guess he’s just a dramatic dance kid at heart. he also prefers to be little spoon with a special fondness for partners who completely wrap themselves around him like a warm, scenintient backpack 

likes lying under a blanket on the sofa, his face pressed into your tummy with his arms around your back. you can use him as a table if you like, he wont mind. His back is always sore ( probably because he lies like this a lot) so he appreciates back rubs while hugging .

mooves around in his sleep too much to be constrained by cuddling. if you try and hold onto him it’ll either be like riding a bucking bull or trying to get out of quicksand, no inbetween. he sleeps like a dead man too so good luck waking him if you’re uncomfortable.

telltale! Riddler

hugs are few and far between. doesnt hug much, even at home. He likes to use hugs to show off or rather, show you off. he likes having some one pretty on his arm for casual, public cuddling as a power move. 

has occasional nightmares about what SANTUS did to him and as a side effect of the LOTUS. this is one of the rare times he’ll tolerate and even expect to be held and cuddled by you. he needs something like the pressure from a good ,long hug to ground him back in reality, in the here and now. 

in public he’s most likely to throw his arm around your waist or shoulder, quite possessive if i'm honest. he can be a little rough at times, gripping your shoulder or waist a little too hard when someone is pissing him off or making a move on you. he has left bruises but its never intentional. he’s a lot stronger than the average man and sometimes he forgets that. 

in private he’s a little more relaxed. sometime he just likes to share space, like having your legs over him on the sofa. sometimes hes more demanding and wants you to sit in his lap with your arms draped over him.

He demands a lot of you, but never physical contact. if he wanted a hug he would simply stand and wait for you to initiate it. likewise, he’ll always ask for your permission before he comes into your space. 

He likes to hug from behind and often picks you up off the ground, whatever way he’s hugging you. He likes to show off how strong he is despite being one of the shorter riddlers. 

Zero year!Riddler

his idea of cuddling is resting a body part on you. he might stretch his legs over yours, intertwine them while sleeping or use you as a pillow while he reads. Hes not great at being big spoon tbh; if you want him to do much more than just chilling there and letting you do the work, youll need to tell him.

like btas riddler, he’s a human furnace. he just radiates heat all times of the year. good for warming up in the winter, bad for not sticking to one another in the summer. He’s basically a big cat. cuddles on his terms, paws at you when he wants something and pushes you away when he doesn't.

thinks he’s a smooth mfer when it comes to cuddling and spooning. has 100% done that old yawn, stretch and slide an arm around you thing that all teenagers think is the height of sophisticated moves.  it only works sometimes though, more often than not he’ll simply huff and drag you towards him from the other side of the bed or sofa and demand hugs.

hes another tall riddler. he likes to use his height to his advantage by hugging you around your head so you cant escape. he also likes to have a hand on your head and one on your shoulder, sort of like he’s shielding you from something. it can be nice but sometimes, you do need to see where you're going. 

he likes to press his face into your chest/breasts just for badness. he has large hands so he can almost wrap them around your sides and back at the same time for maximum squish. he doesn't often press his entire body into you while you hug but when he does, oh boy i hope you don't have plans. you wont be leaving for a while.

he likes to cuddle in weird places. like you might be riding the subway and he’ll sneakily link his arm with yours and rest his head on your shoulder. maybe you're eating dinner and he’s trying to twist your legs together with his. maybe you're minding your own business on the sofa, he’ll try to slip between you and the cushions so you're practically sitting on him instead. 

OH BOY THIS TOOK MUCH LONGER THAN I THOUGHT. WOOPS THERE GOES THE ENTIRE DAY.

lmao i had fun so i guess it was time well spent.

got anymore headcanons you want to talk about? wana ask me something specific about riddler? hmu with an ask, im always happy to talk about our favorite curious menace💜💚

[mingot-studios]

Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

 How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown  over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change 

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed 

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the  end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

[systemfaker]

saw a post that made me want to rant about something that happened like fuckin ages ago but is still upsetting to me and im on mobile so i cant put it under a read more so that sucks for yall.

back when i was still Being Traumatized and therefore way more psychotic i had a fuckin meltdown over one of my friends phrasing an answer to a question badly. someone asked “whats wrong with satanists” and something about the friends answer convinced my shitbrain that they were claiming to be a satanist so naturally i freaked out

instead of like.. understanding that traumatized psychotic people Might Freak Out, this friend decided its cool and fun to mock me so they and some ex friends and a bunch of their shitty edgy friends thought hey this looks fun

so basically my alters ex kept making jokes about how scared i was and “oh u got it look theres a big worldwide satanic conspiracy h uncovered” (which, like, i have whole other thoughts on that and how its not funny to joke about) and specifically got into cults to upset me including kinning a cult leader and another one jokes “i should become a satanist to make him leave me alone” even though the only time i acknowledged them at all was when someone came to me and told me they were talking about me or going through my blog

complete strangers were weighing in on my panic and delusions and joking about how i was totally right and they were a cult then debating if i was faking it because a Real Psycho wouldnt be able to function outside of a goddamn asylum never mind the fact that i dont have many episodes

and because the original friend was muslim of course they decided to twist the narrative to “hey daves calling muslims satanic and of course everyones believing him!” which like? no?? it was just you and literally nobody believed me

shit got to the point where other alters stepped up to take over hosting while i got over my Big Psycho and it was really depressing to read messages from that week because literally the only thing anyone asked was “hey when is dave coming out to apologize for all of this? can you get dave?” and they had to keep explaining that no, hes not allowed out right now, he nearly broke his hand when he had a panic attack in the fridge at work because he saw the number 666 written on a piece of paper and thought that meant that his place of employment was being targeted, he needs to calm down and work through this before we can do anything else. it was one of the first times ive ever seen our caretaker alter dude actually get mad at anyone

like to this day thats made me scared to tell anyone if im struggling with reality. i can joke about shit from the past but if i have even the slightest doubt about my present beliefs or perceptions? nah im locking that shit up til i can be absolutely sure whether its true or not

[legion1993]

You Killed My Love, Now Your Blood Pays My Revenge!

A/N: this is for @imagineteamfreewill for meg's chicon challenge... another bumpy ride!

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Prompt: "If you take one more step, I can promise you that you won't like what comes next."

Summery: you and Sam have been together for a year and a half now... you loved hunting and sparring cooking dancing basically you guys loved trying to be as normal as possible! but when you found out that azazal was trying to open the devils gate and that he had captured Sam... you were dead set on a rescue mission one that you knew would one way or another not end well...

Masterlist

to hunt is to hunt things that go bump in the night... that's also how you met the love of your life.

Sam and his Brother Dean had saved you from a pack of werewolves, your heart raced as Sam's giant form covered yours protecting you from the lunging werewolf...

he took a set of claw marks to save you, you later thanked him by bandaging his wounds and giving him a kiss which led to a blurred night of passion!

that was what started you on the Winchester love trail... only to have something tear you away from your love...

Sam: "so according to every single biblical reference there is something called the devils gate!!! and apparently..."

Y/N: "the apocalypse is on the way and somehow Sam is apart of it..."

Dean: “ya so am i... well apart of the apocalypse anyway but you were very very right when you said that Sam is massively apart of this...”

Bobby: “none of you are 2 far off, everything with Azazel it lines up directly for the fucking apocalypse... if Azazel gets his hands on Sam he can use his blood to open the devil’s gate which is like the gateway to the part of hell where all the higher form demons and things are kept...”

Dean: “then he shan’t get him...”

Bobby: “if we let him out of the area he needs to be with someone he cant go alone... till we can find the devils gate and till we can can stop azazel we need to stay safe...”

Sam: “maybe we shouldn’t change anything maybe we should keep them the same...”

you shot straight out of your chair and stormed out of there before another word could be said...

Bobby: “Sam do you not realize what that girl has done to save your ass... seriously boy whats wrong with you... thinking things could be normal is an understatement... this is not normal, someone else would have left your ass, this girl sacrificed her entire career, going to school and everything to hunt full time just to spend all her time with you boy...”

Dean: “bobby has a point, Y/N showed me a photo of her scholarship she was supposed to be heading to Yale the week after she met us... but she gave it all up for you...  she said that giving up Yale broke her heart but she mended her heart when she started dating you bro...”

Sam looked out the door watching you standing near the edge of the property... he sunk his head down low...

Sam: “she gave all that up for me... why would she do that... i didnt ask her too...”

Dean: “you didn’t have to... she did it cause she loves you dude...”

Bobby: “Sam go talk to her now before i kick your ass to kingdom come...”

Sam got up off his chair and walked out the door adjusting his shirt a thousand times before you turned around and stood in a fighting stance...

Y/N: “what now Sam? come to break up with me to make things easier...”

Sam: “that’s not it at all, Y/N i love you and i always will... but right now you have no idea what kind of pressure i am under, i mean having my girlfriend, my uncle and my brother protecting me, its like i never had the chance to grow up at all...”

you started walking away, knowin’ he would follow, your own heart screaming at you, your mind dangerously wandering... that’s when you stopped dead in your tracks, you could feel someone or something else following you and Sam...

Sam: “whats wrong?”

Y/N: “someone or something else is following us...”

Sam: “stand back to back with me we need to prepare for anything...”

Y/N: “no we need to get back to the house...”

you turn to leave but stop immediately, you turn around to see Azazel approaching you but cant stop him in time before you get blasted into a tree... Sam rushes to your side...

Sam: “Y/N...”

Azazel: “minions grab him...”

immediately as fast as Sam’s arms had been around you, they left you as quick as well... you leaned against the tree grasping your side, you dared to look but you of course were able to move long enough to see there was blood, you pulled out your phone and hit dial for Dean...

Dean (over the phone): “Y/N...”

Y/N (over the phone): “Sam, Azazel, ambush... woods just outside of Bobby’s... im bleeding...”

Dean (over the phone): “stay calm we are on our way...”

the best description of what happened next is simple:

you were rescued by both Dean and Bobby who brought you back to the house, stitching you up they listened to you about what happened... 

as you explained how you felt like you & Sam were being followed while arguing and working out your issues in the woods... 

you were stitched up quickly before Bobby spoke up with some interesting news...

Bobby: “so i dug around a little bit more after Sam went to talk to you... i found out that Samuel Colt made a set of railway tracks in the shape of a devils trap... in the center of it is a bunch of empty field and a graveyard...”

you get up off your chair and you smile lightly making your way to grab your gun holster, you put it on switching your torn bloody shirt out for your plaid shirt, leaving it undone knowing you were wearing your sports bra... 

you were stopped by Bobby & Dean before you could reach the door... no one could tell what the fuck you were thinkng, no one could tell how pissed you were...

Y/N: “Bobby, Dean get out of my god damn way...”

Dean: “where the hell do you think you are going?”

Y/N: “i am going to get Sam back... you can get out of my way or you can come with me... but the longer we wait the worse i fear it will get...”

Dean: “slow down and think about this for a moment, Sam wouldn’t want you to do something stupid... especially when it comes to hunting or even that of saving him yourself... don’t do anything you would regret...”

Y/N: “i owe him Dean he took that huge werewolf scratch for me, i have to do this to repay him for that...”

Dean stood aside he understood where you were coming from... Bobby staring at you like you were nuts didn’t stand aside, but you walked right passed him out to your motorcycle slinging your bag of weapons on your back... you shot one more look at the house, to see Dean and Bobby standing there looking at you...

you drive off and all you could think about was the love of your life being in the hands of yellow eyes himself... although you had no idea that after you left you were about to be followed or beaten to the devils gate...

~back at Bobby’s~

Dean and Bobby were on the phone with Ellen and Jo...

Ellen: “wait wait wait woah slow down guys... we have a few small options...”

Dean: “like what ellen we couldn’t stop Y/N from leaving...”

Ellen: “boy don’t make me come over there and slap you, now lets all get to the devils gate before she does... how long ago did she leave...”

Bobby: “bout an hour...”

Ellen: “ok boys listen up Jo and I will go on ahead but at the end of it we all need to be there, this is all hands on deck... we will also see if we can talk some sense into Y/N...”

after a few seconds of silence the line disconnected, leaving dean and bobby standing in the kitchen, not sure what just happened...

Bobby: “i guess we should pack...”

Dean: “i guess we should...”

while they packed and loaded the cars you were almost at the cemetary in wyoming... but thats when you saw it, you saw the same beat up car blocking your path you pulled into the small motel parking lot to see who the fuck was blocking your path... 

you got off the bike and stored towards the other car only to watch the doors open... 

Ellen: “calm down girl its us...”

Y/N: “Ellen, Jo what the hell are you guys doing here...”

Jo: “we could ask you the same thing... but Bobby and Dean filled us in, after they called in a panic... saying you took off all pissed and hell bent on rescuing Sam whatever it takes...”

Y/N: “damnit i knew they would call for backup but i didn’t think you would try to stop me from saving the love of my life... of all people in this world i expected you guys to be on my side...”

you stormed towards the motel office to book a room, you didnt know how long you would be so you booked it for 3 days... this way you would either succeed or die trying... once in the room you unpacked the weapons to polish them...

Y/N (to self): “just because i want to be the one to save the love of my life doesn’t mean i don’t think any less of the rest of them, seriously its my fault Sam got captured, its my fault we were even outside of the property...”

Ellen: “its not your fault hun...”

Y/N: “if Sam and i hadn’t been arguing, i wouldn’t have stormed off, if i hadn’t stormed off he wouldn’t have come after me, he wouldn’t have gotten captured...”

Ellen comes over and sits beside you on the bed noticing you starting to cry, making sure that she was there incase you had a meltdown... you were on the verge of one, but you were just upset and angry... that is never a good combination of emotions in any circumstance...

Jo: “the impala should be arriving soon... mom let me worry about Y/N you deal with Bobby and Dean...”

Ellen: “ok, but neither of you leave this room tonight... well all head out as a group when the sun rises...”

Jo: “don’t worry i wont leave her side...”

you let go of Ellen and got swept into Jo’s embrace, Ellen heard the roar of the impala as she headed for the door, both you and Jo sitting cuddled on the bed... Ellen shut the door which stopped Bobby and Dean from entering...

Ellen: “she’s with Jo she is fine, neither of you are to enter this room you hear me...”

Bobby and Dean nod as they present the map to Ellen of how the lines are on the devils trap... while you and Jo sit inside and cuddle...

Jo: “once everyone is asleep we will leave, Mom will most likely bunk with Bobby and Dean... just to give us some space... so we will head out after they go to bed...”

Y/N: “but what...”

Jo: “if your gonna ask about my mom don’t worry by the time she realizes whats happened it will be too late...”

Y/n: “good but the only things we will need are guns, bullets, and voices... its mainly gonna be demons... no one is gonna blame us for this, we are gonna get in so much shit but i don’t care, i wouldn’t sleep much anyway without Sam by my side...”

Jo: “i know how you feel girl... its gonna be ok, tomorrow you will have the love of your life back, and we will spend more time together right...”

Y/N: “absolutely... i just hope i’m ready for this... but if Azazel has hurt Sam in any way shape or form, ill kill him... well that’s the plan anyway but it will be worse...”

You pull the colt out of your bag, Jo looks at it then at you and then back at the gun...

Jo: “does dean know you have this?”

Y/N: “no he doesn’t and that’s the thing is he hasn’t noticed that i took it for weeks now... i have been waiting for an opportunity to arise for me to kill this son of a bitch... i’m not gonna let him kill Sam... when do we leave...”

Jo: “in a while... i mean if we tried to leave now, we would surely be drawn and quartered...”

Y/N: “i know but every second we just sit here it could mean one second less time we have till they spill all of Sam’s blood or worse...”

Jo places her hand on your shoulder and then goes to see the stash of weaponry you brought seeking out a nice set of gun and bullets... she grabs the duel glocks you have sitting there... 

Jo: “these are very nice...”

Y/N: “lets just say they are great for making head shots on vamps, i dont even have to get dirty...”

Jo: “what do they shoot range wise?”

Y/N: “260 range...”

Jo’s jaw drops in shock and surprise... you were amazed that she didnt know...

Jo: “your kidding right?”

Y/N: “nope but my duel Uzi that i have in my duel holster are 2 up from those glocks... laced with demon trapping bullets and silver bullets... however Jo you use those glocks they wont let you put them back down, i took those off a witch who spelled them to be used against hunters, i had a different witch de spell them but they bond with their owner...”

Jo: “how will i know when they have bonded with me...”

Y/N: “when your strength feels like its gonna rip your shirt...”

at that moment Jo felt what you just described... you were certain that someone was gonna die tonight and you had a feeling that more than one life would be lost, if not 2 then 1...

that moment that the door 2 down from you guys shut and the sound of bobby, ellen and Dean floated through the walls you and Jo geared up and went out of the room as quiet as possible... went over to your bike and pushed it together down the road once far enough away you started it, with Jo on the back holding on for dear life you guys sped off towards danger...

Jo: “how do you think this will go?”

Y/N: “I think we have a 50/50 chance of this going badly…”

Jo: “what's the plan?”

You felt the wind rush passed you as you sped up… feeling like something was already wrong…

Y/N: “we go in and shoot anything that tries to stop us but Azazal is my battle and Sam needs to come out of this alive…”

Jo: “I'm ready for this… you know if we pull this off perfectly no one else will question us for anything…”

You and jo see the graveyard and you guys pull in seeing immediately Azazel Sam and some other dude… you and Jo get off the bike and are immediately pulled in closer by a force…

Azazel: “ladies welcome to the greatest moment in history… I'm about to open the gate… but I want you both to see what I've done to these 2 men…”

You saw Sam and the other man turn towards you and Jo their eyes red…

Y/N: “you spelled them you bastard... what the hell is your big obsession with Sam and what's his face anyway… why do they fit into this…”

Azazel: “their blood is used to fuel the spell to open the gate… don't worry kiddo your boyfriend won't know what he's about to do yet…”

You and Jo took a few steps back as Sam approached you both, you took steps forward and made your final approach between the 2 of you… but Sam or at least spelled Sam was either very angry or forcibly angry… he lunged himself at you… his hands clasping around your neck…

Jo: “Y/N…”

Y/N: “toss me the pocket knife…”

Jo: “Y/N no…”

you look slightly at Jo to see her being held against her will by Azazel… Sam was still choking you but you wer3 able to reach up and pull his hair back, releasing his hold on your neck you leaned up and kissed him… instantly breaking Azazel’s spell Sam instantly breaking the kiss making you gasp…

Sam: “Y/N…”

You touch his cheek and feel his hands pull you off the ground pulling you close to him, he realizes that you have fear in your eyes… Sam turns around holding onto you as he spots Azazel holding Jo…

Azazel: “Its a shame to see that true love does exist… oh well if I can't have soldiers I'll just settle for one… kill him…”

that's when there was a gunshot in the air, your love bleeding as he falls holding you, Ellen Bobby and Dean had also just shown up at the time of the order given… they all witnessed the love of your life getting shot… Azazel gets the nerve to throw Jo into another tree knocking her unconscious ...

Azazel: “oh well time to open the door…”

You stand up with tears in your eyes you look at Sam’s body, then turning to Azazel as he opens the gate… gearing up your guns you start slowly walking to Azazel…

Y/N: "If you take one more step, I can promise you that you won't like what comes next."

Azazel turns to you upon hearing that…

Azazel: “I killed the love of your life I wonder how it would look right now to him you standing over his murderer but your the true one that killed him…”

You fell to your knees, no one could blame you but Dean was at your side in an instant you leaned into him…

Y/N: “Dean I'm sorry… I said I was gonna get him back but instead I made it worse... “

Dean: “hey hey hey it's ok… none of this is your fault never believe this piece of shit…”

Y/N: “but it is if Jo and I had just waited… we wouldn't be in this situation…”

Dean looked at you then at the gate which was just about to burst… Dean covered you with his own flesh as the gate burst open… you and Dean had a front row seat… you both witnessed several thousand clouds of black smoke flying around, you and Dean dared not look up… until a white light surrounded the both of you… it knocked back several of the clouds then it faced Azazel…

Azazel: “didnt i break you… John…”

The white light turned into the likeness of John Winchester… you were amazed when he didnt speak but instead he smiled lightly as he nodded at you, you knew right away what he was meaning… you pulled the colt out of the back of your jeans, handing it to Dean he looks at you…

Dean: “you took this, why…”

Y/N: “i wanted revenge, i was seeing revenge, i wanted to kill Azazel for what he was doing to Sam… i was gonna use it on him but Sam’s death has hit me really hard… i have to let someone else do this… Avenge Sam, Avenge everything and if this works correctly, we will have victory and mourning later…”

Dean took the Colt in his hand as John watched and stepped aside, Dean kneels and looks straight at Aazel…

Dean: “hey asswipe, this is for all the toruble and pain you have caused my family… go to hell…”

With that he pulled the trigger and shot Azazel point blank… Ellen, and Bobby worked to close the gate, and with it sealed you were immediately the center of all concern...

~thats all for now folks~

[fabelyn]

Episode 6 of The Rose Season(tm) is here!

If it wasn’t obvious yet, this episode again reaffirms we’re either getting another season (which make no sense given sales) or we’re going for complete anime original end. The latter seems the more likely scenario.

Dezel is still very much alive and kicking, and Zaveid is nowhere in sight. With half the cour gone, one has to ask why even bother to feature Zaveid so prominently in the OP and ED if he wasn’t going to appear at all for most of it.

Pendragon’s boss being a dead dragon is...pathetic. It means there’s no battle. Sorey wont have to question the need to kill something, or at least struggle to beat it to purify it. Instead all he needed was Rose there to channel power and...done! Jfc

Are we ever finding out why there was a dragon inside the churche? Why was it dead? Who could have managed to kill it? Why inside the church? Why no one revealed a dead dragon? Of course we’ll never find out!

And it started in the most anticlimatic way possible! We left of last episode with Perfect Rose having a meltdown and questioning everything about herself...only for this episode to be a while later, where she somehow calmed down without any help and is just back to being depressed. Guess the Rose fan writing this shit couldnt bare his precious Rose acting out for too long.

Said person clearly cant bare the thought of Perfect Rose falling to Malevolence either, despite her her now hitting points that would have made any other character turn to it. But it’s Rose. Anime!Rose is a miracle oft he universe and too perfect for that

We also get a minute of Berseria, tied to the plot. Possibly because whoever is writing this season was contractually obligated to make a tie-in ando so found the quickest way they could of doing so before going back to what they’re clearly all about: Rose. 

And she -being the perfect being that she is- manages to come to a resolution and break of of her insecurities on her own. God forbid another character need help her with her emotional state, which would have added to her relationship with the other characters in the show and helped the audience feel these people are friends not just random strangers that just happened to sit next to each other. Bit no, Rose is too above everyone for something as pathetic as help!

“If the sherperd dies, so does the squire” I can’t comment on this. I dont recall that in the game, but it could easily be my faulty memory. 

I’ve also noticed Rose isn’t scared of seraphs this season, while im pretty sure she had initial misgivings about speaking to things she couldnt see in the game, which made her armatization an important moment of development for her. Welp, guess that was too big a flaw for her fan writing this.

And nor does she get introduced to any seraph other than Dezel. No “oh so this is Lailah, and thats Edna...” which is terrible in an anime where these people are supposed to be a team

[probsautistic]

Meltdown

NOTE: this was initially written on one of my private blogs 2-1-2020. I felt it would be appropriate to include here, since this is an autism-focused blog.

TW/CW around: self-inflicted harm mentions, abuse/bullying/trauma mentions

-----

So two days ago was really hard. I had a shit day at work, running around the entire day. I sat at my desk for maybe an hour that day. I was embarrassed because at one point I wasn't reading the cue that I needed to leave so I was awkwardly dismissed. I had lunch later than usual. I didnt get anything done.

I get home, take all my stuff off. Bun (my partner) is watching speedruns on youtube, and this guy is going so fast through this game that theres this constant “ping”. I’m working on a book idea, so I’m writing in my phone. But I cant get comfortable. The small lights in the room feel bright. Even though I’m wearing half my clothes, I'm starting to overheat and sweat. Everything feels so, so loud and suddenly its like I’m not.. there anymore? I want to tell her I’m hungry, because she mentioned it earlier but I couldn't get it out. I want to tell her everything feels so bright and so much, but I can't. The games pinging just keeps going. I start fighting the urge to hit myself in the face and cover my eyes. It feels like I’m watching this from inside of myself.

And it's like I cant stop.

She tries to ask me whats wrong but I can only whine and curl up. I shove my face into the pillow to block my eyes. I'm frustrated that i cant talk, I dont know what's going on. The urge to hit myself gets stronger. I dont know whats wrong. It panics me, terrifies me.

I don't even know how but she gets me to calm down. I think food and water. I remember I snapped at her when she asked me something about a type of food I could eat. I feel bad about that later. But she makes me soft seasoned french fries and she reminds me that I’m safe. She gets me in some cozier pjs. I get something on my shirt and start crying. She tells me she won't let anything bad happen to me and turns on True (really cute animated kids show on netflix), and that calms me down some. I'm still crying on and off for the rest of the evening.

At some point she asks me what happened, and I cant talk but I text it out to her. I tell her how everything felt so much all at once and that suddenly I couldn't talk, and it was like watching myself from the inside, like taking a backseat. I feel ashamed that she had to take care of me. I feel terrified that this happened and I didn’t understand how or why or what to do. Just that I had to sit through it until it was over. My whole body was exhausted. I was exhausted and sad. I apologized over and over, and she told me to thank her instead. So I thanked her over and over.

I never want to be a burden. I can be childish sometimes, and sure I have other issues, but this literally terrified me. I haven't had such a strong reaction in so long. I remember times where in the dorms she had to stop me from hitting my legs when things became too much, and how exhausted my breakdowns (at least that's what I called them) would leave me. How much i'd cry. How draining it is.

I try to connect back to my childhood, see if I can understand. But I dont. I cant. It's all so blurry now. Yesterday before I went to bed I had this visceral memory of being in middle school and having the most visceral urge to beat my head repeatedly into doors or walls when things got rough. But I just thought that was because I was miserable with my ex-stepdad and his abuse. and thinking about all the times I was gullible enough to listen to a “friend” at school, only to be fucked over, manipulated, and made fun of. How I didn't understand why people didn't want to be friends with me, why I was so “weird”. How I get so much more overwhelmed than others so much faster. I wish I remembered more about my childhood, about how I behaved. I try to ask my family but they're always so vague. It just makes me wonder how much of this stuff showed up in my childhood. (And this isn't even including food/texture weirdness or my inability to know how loud/soft I'm talking!)

I thought maybe it was my interests, or my visible health conditions, but maybe it was just… Me. After looking at some stuff my younger sister (she's 10) does, I was like “oh maybe shes autistic”. But that opened up this whole different can of worms- maybe I’m autistic. I went to google after what happened and everything I was finding was in relation to sensory overload meltdowns in autistic people.

And then the other part of me is like… Am I faking it? Am I only doing these things because I’ve seen them irl or know what they are now to better fit that criteria?

Bun says I'm not faking it, and I dont.. I dont think I am. Not after the other day. That was genuinely one of the most terrifying experiences of my life simply because I couldn't stop myself. And then I was left with all of this guilt and shame around it happening and being a burden and not being able to control myself. Fakers don't feel like that. Fakers search for validation as it's happening, and I seeked no validation. I just wanted everything to stop being so much… I could say afterwards, in the midst of my crying, was just how scary and how much everything felt.

Im not.. Im not sure what this means for me. Or for my life. I just.. I guess I just wanted to share this. Not only for the sake of vulnerability, but also I'm just... I'm trying to figure out whats going on. but its also really scary. I'm not sure what sort of answers I'll get, but.. I just.. I dont know. I have a lot of mixed emotions around this, it only felt right to write it down.

[luer-eivey]

Silence Is A Killer.

On Thursday. 2 days ago, the 12th, our school made all our 3rd hour teacher take a list, a list of kids who had internet and those who dont. We all saw it as a sort of joke, our school wont close, our school has a past of not closing trying to stay open haveus there as muchas possible. So not alot took it serious. Mubles of the virus filled the class after. And it died down after a couple of minutes. The rest of the day thats what it was about, the what if. Thw if we did close. Well English the teach, 4th hour after lunch, where in complete fairness i but someones head off. I eat in the library....well i did, anyhow i was trying to tell someone about my sickness. (Turns our it was my meds doing it) but i was talking about how i went to the er and they tested my blood ect normal stuff. One of the kids who will litterly scream racial slurs in there told me i was being selfish...for litterly talking about my visit to the doctors. None the less i went to english. My teacher, a nice women but a but strict. She only teaches the seniors, us. By this point most collages have switched to online. The one girl, a bitter sweet person, pretty smart but will 100% stab you if you get her pissed was complaining about her classes going online. The boys where fooling around and yeah. Well my one friend, were the odd ones out in that class. We basically sit in the front corner alone along with thatone girl at a big table. But she normally only helps when me and him are actually lost as hell. Me and him did our work but he asked me

"Ya think school is going to close?"

I told him i doughted it, but maybe because our new superintendent we might as weve been having more snow days. About 4 to the only 1 we got last year with the old guy. He kinda nodded like he does and we did our work and left like normal, 5th hour. Wood shop. Im 1 of 4 girls. The only difference between me and them is i can work all the tools, do i know all there names. No but i know how to work them all. The guys all shift looks as someone asks the woodshop teacher if he will bemaking a google classroom for us. He ingores the question basically says something among the sorts that nothing will happen. I sit next to this one girl, pretty artsy has a weird style. I draw too i just...idk i try to draw happy things but thats besides the point. She doesnt go into the shop ingoreing her shelf shes been working on. Honestly its pretty shitty but shes never used any of these tools in her life. Even set the saw stop off her first couple weeks. Without the damn thing she would have lost a finger. I had to basically drag her ass over to it as she was avoiding it. I try to help her without bugging her and without talking down to her.she saidshehad a migraine. I knew that was a lie cause when she had one shenever drew she normally would have her head down. I asked what was bugging her, she lied said the class but idk. My one friend, hes taller then me at 6'2" hes kinda chubby and a softmore. His older brothers in my class, his brothers a fucking prick but i cant help but love this softmore. Hes sweet but a dickwhen he wants or needs to be. He stands up for what be belives in and who he believes in. He has been beinging in a rubic cube. He normally solves it but didnt that day.hes pretty good at it so it was...odd..my last two hours had nothing really overall important other then my link kid asking if we would die. I told him probably not its just something thatll pass. That night at 11 something. By that time im in bed listening to old gtlives. There convo puts me to sleep, i like how they talk about silly things. I wake up friday, messages on my phone. My friend from english sent me a bunch of a's and others telling me. Some coming to me looking for something, what....idk hope. A joke. Something. I did my best...i tried. Im getting ready on the phone and my house phone rings. Ik an old landline what kinda world am i in blah blahblah. Its the school. 7:23. Explaining how we wont be back til the 14th sence how out spring break is laided out. I drive to school. I see the Dicktator a man and has yelled an inchfrommyface and drives my anxiety up a wall. He is pissed. We the kids the students are told to clean out our lockers we need them empty. Hes yelling down the hall my locker is a mess (im not super clean not gonna lie) im already panicing. I cant take it. Note dicktator isnt allowed to talk to me. He sees me sitting on the ground trying to clean my locker having a mini meltdown. Mr.R one of my favorite teachers. Sees this. And steps between me and him stopping him...i break down after and lay on the ground covering my face like an idiot. Mrs.B a math teacher comes putand talks tometellingme itllbe okaydo a little at a time itll be alright. An announcement.

"Lockers need to be empty BY THE END OF THE DAY"

I go to class and do some late work i was putting off. My teacher. Art, doesnt say much as she knows my life has been hell the past fucking year.

.....if anyone wants the rest of the day...message me i guess. I need to calm down.

[startswithat-blog]

Nov 11

happy remembrance day i guess

long time no type, well 3 days but still a few things have happened since we last talked to end off the last post i opened it and he said something along the lines of not now in the future which idk if im hyped about or weirded out but it'll do for now

so yesterday was the big night i ate twoish steaks, showered thinking the night was going to end with me high with some new friends but nope plans went south and im still kinda pissed about it

where to begin okay I was supposed to finally meet T get high with him and his friends and bri was supposed to come with, he friend was supposed to come and we’d go to a party after 

buttt no the friend and party cancelled but hanging at res was still on bri gets into bed i tell her dont fall asleep we need to go she said shell get ready at 9 i get up  to shower at 8:30 i go back down and shes sleeping and im trying my hardest to get her out of bed but nobody can get her to do what she doesnt want to do 

she was all excited for the party but now that its cancelled it doesnt matter about our plans shes all of the sudden exhausted i tried for 30 mins and she starts getting rude and kicking me literally off her bed and i eventually give up and im pissed i say then dont talk to me about anything

all the while T’s snapping me telling me, looking forward to me coming and i had to bail on him bc shes deciding that tonights the night she wants to be a selfish bitch

let me tell you now weve had these plans festering for a week 

and as much i hate to admit care about what people think to an extent so when people are waiting for me expecting me to be somewhere no matter what ill be there unless soemthing serious happens

if i say im gonna do something ill do it yet sis cant say the same

i was pissed and T was snapping me during telling me that we cant not come he already paid for us and in this moment knowing that weve had plans that she said she was gonna commit to people relying on expecting her people have already paid for her this bitch still doesn't come that got me pissed i literally prayed i wouldnt choke her out and hate her forever and swore to myself that i wasnt going to talk to her again

this might be an extra reaction in your eyes yet the true tea is shes done this before frosh week all over again we buy these 40$ braceleet which were just a waste of money bc we didnt go bc she didnt want to and yes ik what youre thinking i couldve went alone then and i couldve went alone now but you know what i suffer from anxiety i

its not as severe i dont think but im uncomfortable in situations where i dont know anyone and its not like i couldve drank to get comfortable bc there was no booze at the parties

but this time i wouldnt have mattered if i was comfortable or not we had plans and she broke them (”you went and broke our lives” a quote from the lovers dictionary i thought of) so with or without the anxiety im still pissed imagine having palns that you and others are looking forward to just for them to get cancelled at the last minute it sucks and when someones being a bitch and acting like theyve done nothing wrong makes it even worse

oh yeah not only are all the people who were expecting us mad, i looked bad and i had to pay him back FOR WEED I DIDNT EVEN SMOKE, MONEY I DIDNT HAVE FOR WEED I DIDNT SMOKE i went to bed not high no new ffriends and pissed one of the worst saturdays to date

the only extra thing that i did yesterday waas believe that we werent gonna speak againa nd that id move

i want to move but im not because she doesnt want to but you know what next semester im leaving whether shes coming or not

its not a product of this i based my living situation completely off of her and where she was going but the tea is the people are weird and its too far especially through the winter

i woke up this morning still mad but as ive proably not mentioned i cant hold a grudge for long not because i have a big heart or whatever but atleast i think because i never could with my mother and it programmed me somehow

im not talking to her and get this im snapping T all about this and he tells me that she snapped me saying sorry and that i wasnt talking to her like ur not gonna apologize but snapping T is gonna change something i was pissed and said her feelings have nothing to do with mine which is the truth i mean i didnt do anything wrong

anyway she comes out and apologizes to me i say whatever ask her if shes paid him back she says she will

i mean i dont think im overreacting it was a shtty thing to do 

soso were talking but im being dry, i mean i want to forgive her and i mostly have but idk it just showed me you cant rely on people 

T’s telling me its fine and i should forget about it and let it go but i wanted to go and the fact that she did killed it for me

now as mad as i was and might sttill be i cant help but to think that maybe eveything happens for a reason i wasnt meant to meet him that night 

i remeber how pissed she was when i accidentally took her case and that was an accident this was purposeful and didnt think how this would effect me it was selfish point blank i think im just pissed that i paid for weed that i didn't smoke and that on tp of eveything she still tells me to clean the bathroom thats also gotta stop her telling me what to do i moved out of my moms house  and i dont plan on returning full time yet here i am

writing about it makes me calm down and i think im gonna forgive i just felt betrayed thats all

i still want to move if not december next semester whther shes coming or not i probably shouldve lived on res or went to trent but whats done is done cant go backwars only ahead 

all that shit aside i spent the day doing absolutely nothing and having another meltdown about how my life was pointless and meaningless and i dont know what im doing with it or where its going so i spent it watching old movies god i wish i knew what my purpose was then i could work towards it and not feel worthless

B went to a meeting almost three hour ago she texted me asking if i was okay and idk why shed ask im not the one outside the house and then her phone ddies 

to be continued