#so ill do it tomorrow when the pains a bit less

[phagodyke]

aouuugh my uterus......

[bluejeanstrash]

tags: boyfriend! seungcheol x reader, just a little light-hearted fluff of seungcheol being a dramatic whiny baby when he’s sick, mentions of dry scalp and skin picking lol, seungcheol is very whiny | wc: 742

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

a classic cough and cold combo paired with a side of fever-related aches and pains — that was the diagnosis, not the life-threatening illness seungcheol was sure he’d contracted. he’d tried convincing you it was fast-spreading. like really fast. like it has taken over his body and has been shutting down his organs one by one for the past 6 hours fast.

‘i’m going to die. it’s not a joke anymore. i seriously feel like i’m going to die’ he tugs at the hem of your t-shirt as you clear up the mountain of tissues on the left bedside table, and then tugs again while you’re clearing up a pile of dishes on the right.

you sigh, ignoring him, and disappear into the kitchen to reappear with a fresh bowl of hot chicken soup ‘seungcheol, we’ve been over this already. you’re not going to die’

‘forget it! just get me my will. i have to make some last-minute changes’ he asks for it dramatically, draping a limp arm over his eyes.

‘you don’t have a will’ you blow on the hot soup in quick bursts before feeding him a spoonful.

‘ugh, never mind. it’s fine’ the will talk is waved off with a quick fan of the hand to make way for what he says next ‘they give everything to the spouse anyway. wait, do they?’

‘i don’t know, and we’re not married’ you remind him, stirring the hot liquid so the shredded chicken, his favourite part, rises to the top.

‘god, you’re right’ he sits up a little straighter and grabs your free hand, suddenly somber ‘do you take choi seungcheol to be your lawf-’

you force-feed him another spoonful to shut him up, a bit of it spilling onto the quilted blanket. the soup must’ve still been too hot because he lets out a little cry, whining, though it’s entirely possible he’s overreacting.

‘you’re not taking this seriously, i’m actually dying’

‘you’re not’

‘what do you know! you’re not a doctor!’ he grumbles, taking a moment to tell you he really likes the soup and really really appreciates you making it for him before continuing to rant.

‘yeah, and what about the actual doctor we called who said you’re not?’

‘he doesn’t know anything either, that hack. the people on the internet’ he picks up his phone from the bed, showing you a screenshot from some site you’re pretty sure is for hypochondriacs to confirm each other’s delusions, and taps on the screen ‘have told me i have less than 24 hours left. 24. 24!’

‘seungcheol, i can’t have this conversation with you anymore. seriously. you need to go to sleep’ you put the empty bowl aside, straightening, and then pulling the blanket up to cover him.

‘no, no, don’t leave. i want lap time’ he pouts, baby-talking his way into his third one of the day. you sit back down on the bed with a sigh as he repositions himself to lay on your lap, wriggling his head around until he’s comfy. your fingers slowly comb through his hair, your nails scratching lightly against his scalp to soothe him. in a slightly gross but domestic act, you pick a few bits of flaky skin out of his unwashed hair, flicking them away. you should wash it for him later, you think. he’d like that.

seungcheol always found the sensation of you picking at his scalp strangely comforting, and surprisingly quite sleep-inducing. minutes pass without a single sound.

it’s quiet. finally. or so you think.

‘if i die, you can’t date anyone for the next 10 years. at least’

‘what?!’ you jerk your thighs up, pushing him off your lap ‘10 years? you’re crazy’

he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

‘i was just being nice. you shouldn’t date anyone ever, but ohmygod, i can’t believe you want to be with someone else’ he presses his fingers to his temples, suddenly coming down with a headache.

‘so let me get this straight’ he continues ‘you’re telling me when i die tomorrow-’

‘you won’t’

‘-when i die tomorrow, you’re going to bring some other man to my funeral?!’ his cheeks now hot with a shade of distressed pink.

you’re not sure where he’s got that from but you’ve had enough. you get up, grabbing the bowl, and look him straight in the eye, pinching his cute little cheeks ‘well, it’s a good thing you’re not dying then’

you walk out, leaving him right there on the bed, hot and most definitely cold.

[mightystumpmachine]

patrick x female reader in pain so he pampers and snuggles with her

Heyyy! I had a blast writing this fic because I'm actually sick right now, so I wrote about how I'd love Patrick to take care of me :'(( Anyway, hope you enjoy it and come back soon with more ideas <3

☆゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜★☆゜・。。・゜・。。・゜★

Wrapped in Love on Sick Days

(Patrick stump x Fem! Reader)

Summary: You wake up sick, but Patrick is there to take care of you.

Warnings: Nothing more than this can be extremely sweet. fluff.

Notes: English is not my native language, so if there are any errors here, let me know :D

☆゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜★☆゜・。。・゜・。。・゜★

When you woke up that morning, a sharp pain throbbed in your chest. Breathing was difficult, at least today it was.

You were slightly trembling, and occasionally, you suffered from chills. You felt frozen, even a bit disoriented.

The sheets felt heavy on you and no matter how hard you tried to find a comfortable position, moving seemed to worsen the headache.

You decided to stay in bed, hoping the pain would pass. Patrick had gotten up early to do some things, but you knew he wouldn't be long in coming back.

After a little more than half an hour, you heard the front door close and immediately recognized Patrick's footsteps.

"_____, honey!" he raised his voice a little. "Are you home?".

"Patrick?" you asked, unsure if you had really heard his voice.

You heard the footsteps again, now approaching the bedroom hastily.

You could see him approaching the door frame, sliding towards the bed, and sitting next to you.

He smiled at you, but when he took your hands in his, he recognized that feverish warmth almost immediately.

Frowning, he brought the back of his hand to your forehead.

"Oh, love... how are you feeling?" he asked worriedly.

You groaned a little, shifting in bed. "Like I've been run over by three trucks".

Patrick smiled sideways and stroked your hair.

"No wonder you were so restless last night" he thought out loud. "I thought maybe you were having nightmares".

You shook your head. "I'm cold. Is the heating on?" you asked with difficulty.

Patrick looked at you with a pitying look; it broke his heart to see you suffer. He stood up and bent down to kiss your forehead.

"Love, it's not that cold, I promise you" he replied. "You're just running a high fever".

Whimpering, you pulled the blankets over your head.

Your boyfriend stood and slowly walked out of the room.

Peeking out from the covers, your hair and eyes visible, you watched him standing in the doorway.

"Don’t leave," you pleaded, voice barely audible and hoarse from illness.

"I won’t, just need to tell Pete we’re postponing band practice," he said while heading towards the kitchen, "I'll take care of you until you’re better."

You felt a little bad hearing that Patrick already had plans for today (but not that much, honestly). You needed him by your side because with him everything hurt less.

"I love you."

"Very convenient timing," he teased as he left for the kitchen.

You were left alone in the room, shivering slightly. You clutched the blankets to your body with the little strength you had and stayed that way, waiting for the cold to go away at some point.

you fell asleep when Patrick entered the room again, but this time with a tray carrying a cup and some toast.

"Sit up, ____," he said, placing the tray on the bed and sitting beside you, "My mom used to make this tea when I was sick as a kid. Hope it helps."

Sitting up slowly, Patrick supported your back with a gentle hand.

Accepting the tea, you took an immediate sip, wrinkling your nose at the ginger taste.

"Yeah, I know you hate ginger," he smiled, rubbing your back, "But it’ll help."

Nodding, you finally drank it before it cooled.

You only ate two slices of toast because you had no appetite at all, but you knew Patrick wouldn't let you go through the day with absolutely nothing in your stomach.

"If you're still like this tomorrow, I'll have to call the doctor" he warned, to which you only nodded.

"Thanks, Patrick" you whispered. "You're my angel".

Patrick helped you lie back down, adjusting pillows for comfort.

Ensuring you were well-covered, he stood.

"Maybe you should sleep a bit, darling," he suggested softly, clearly intending to leave the room.

Grasping his sweater sleeve, you pleaded, "No... don't go. Stay here... with me."

He looked at you tenderly and lay down next to you. You snuggled into his chest almost immediately, trying to absorb his body heat.

"Wow... you're affectionate today, huh?" he joked, wrapping his arms around you in an almost healing hug.

You laughed softly and shrank, feeling protected under him.

"Shut up" you reproached him, in a joking tone.

"We should do this more often" he whispered, enjoying the contact with you.

"Do you like seeing me suffer?" you feigned annoyance, to which he only chuckled softly.

"Let's say I like knowing you need me, baby" he replied flirtatiously.

You sighed and closed your eyes. You felt a bit of relief in Patrick's arms as you thought about what he had said.

You thought that you definitely should cuddle more often. You enjoyed every moment with him, but sometimes you had to admit you took it for granted.

"You know I love you, right?" you said suddenly.

"Yeah, ando I love you more than you could imagine" he replied immediately, looking for your face.

You looked at him with a small pout; he smiled tenderly and kissed you.

A kiss full of love and innocence that lasted only a couple of seconds.

When you parted, you hid back in his arms. Patrick only rested his chin on top of your head and pulled you closer to his body.

The only thing you could hear now was Patrick's heartbeat, beating right next to your ear.You smiled; those heartbeats had become the best melody Patrick could give you.After a while, both of you fell asleep. Enjoying only each other's company.

When you woke up, Patrick was still holding you. The first thing you saw was your beloved sleeping peacefully with his mouth slightly open, and you felt your heart melt with tenderness.

Incredibly, the headache had eased considerably, leaving only an echo of the former migraine.

On the other hand, you no longer felt the cold that had made you shiver just a few hours ago.

You didn’t feel completely well, but you had definitely improved.

You watched Patrick for a few seconds, enjoying the tranquility he emanated. He was breathing softly, and you could hear a very delicate snore.

You tried to move a little, trying not to wake him, but almost as if he was aware of you even while asleep, he opened his eyes.

He blinked quickly, trying to get his eyes used to the light in the room.

“Hi, beautiful” he smiled at you with a slightly hoarse and sleepy voice. “How are you feeling?”.

“Much better” you returned the smile. “Thank you for taking care of me, you’ve worked magic on me”.

Patrick sighed with relief and planted a kiss on your forehead.

“It’s been my pleasure, though it seems you still have a bit of a fever” he said, stretching to reach his cell phone on the nightstand.

It was four in the afternoon. He opened his eyes in surprise to see that they had slept almost eight more hours since the morning.

“Do you want to eat something and maybe watch a movie?” he proposed, looking at you with curiosity.

“Sounds like a great idea” you said, trying to get out of bed.

Patrick gently took you by the shoulders, laying you back in the same place you had been a few moments ago.

“I'll take care of it” he said as he kissed the back of your hand. “You deserve to be treated like a princess, just wait a moment”.

You let out a nervous giggle and agreed, not very convinced. You felt better, but you knew nothing would stop Patrick from being so attentive, especially with you being sick.

He was always like that. He treated you like a queen.

He went to the kitchen and returned after about half an hour. Now the tray that once carried tea and toast, was filled with two ham sandwiches, some crackers with cheese, a small bowl of popcorn, and two freshly squeezed juices.

He placed it on the bed and returned to his previous position, right next to you.

“You outdid yourself with this” you laughed as you took a bite of the sandwich.

“Everything is too little for you, you know?” he replied looking at you. “I love you, you are the sunshine of my life”.

You felt the heat rise to your cheeks at that sticky and unexpected comment.

“I love you too, you're my hero, you make me feel better just by being here with me” you smiled at him.

He lunged at you, leaving kisses all over your face, finally focusing on your lips, where he stayed for a long time.

“Stop it” you laughed between short kisses. “You’ll get sick too”.

Patrick moved only a few millimeters away from you, bumping noses. “If that means more time by your side, I'm willing to take the risk”.

You laughed again, seeing how Patrick enjoyed making you blush.

Still beside you, he turned on the TV and put on a random comedy movie.

Both of you settled in, him wrapping an arm around you while you rested your head on his shoulder. The movie started, and although you weren't fully focused on it, you felt calm and happy. Patrick's laughter resonated next to you, and you found yourself more focused on him than on the screen.

Halfway through the movie, Patrick glanced at you and saw you struggling to stay awake.

Although you felt better, your body was still weak.

“You should sleep a little longer, you need it”.

“I don’t want to sleep anymore” you protested almost like a little girl. “I want to enjoy this time with you”.

He smiled, feeling a strong urge to hug and kiss you at that moment. “I love hearing that, honey. But let's make a deal, okay? If you sleep and feel better… tomorrow we’ll go for a walk together… it’s been a while since we went out”.

You looked at him for a few seconds, but finally agreed; it was a good deal. Patrick was very good at negotiating. Then you thought Patrick was good at many things.

Without saying anything else, you snuggled closer to him and closed your eyes, letting his warmth and voice lull you to sleep.

The last thing you were aware of was Patrick kissing your head softly. It took almost no time for you to fall asleep like a baby again.

Patrick turned off the TV once he noticed you had fallen asleep again. He stayed a little longer by your side, watching your calm breathing and just admiring you.

As the afternoon turned into night, Patrick covered you with another blanket and decided to let you rest. He got up carefully, making sure not to wake you, although he immediately noticed you were in a very deep sleep.

Before leaving the room, he whispered: "Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you, hope you wake up feeling better."

He left the room, turning off the light and leaving the door slightly open so you could call him if you needed him.

[cherryxcadbury]

Idk if you write for TAA but I thought in which you’re famous maybe like a writer or idk. Not model or singer, something different because people are delighted that he didn’t choose a “fake” girl, because you’re smart and show in his games every time you can.

this is my oldest request, from almost a year ago. apologies anon.

y/n-your name

2nd person pov

Post match meant time to celebrate and relax. Usually anyways.

It was Sunday, the day after the champions league final, where Liverpool had lost to Real Madrid.

Since then, all the WAGs, players, and coaching staff had made it home from Paris.

And currently, a smaller group of you were gathered around the sitting room of the Van Dijk’s home. Virgil and his wife Rike, stood ready to get whatever anyone needed as hosts.

Captain Jordan Henderson & his wife Rebecca were seated, squished on a small seat.

Andy Robertson, your boyfriend’s best friend was on the floor with a beer in hand, with his wife Rachel seated right behind him on a chair.

As for you and Trent, you two were seated on a slightly smaller sofa, squished, but content.

Usually Mo and his wife, who you’d spent lots of time talking to, managed to find time to come to these gatherings but their daughter had fallen ill.

“I just dunno how the fans will receive us.” Jordan confessed, with his head in his hands.

“If I were a fan I’d want to physically assault myself after yesterday.” Andy groaned.

“I fucked up bad.” Trent mumbled into your ear.

You lightly slapped his knee, telling him not to think such thoughts.

“Heads up guys. We win as a team, we lose as a team.” Virgil comforted everyone.

“You lot have got the FA cup parade tomorrow. That’s something to look forward to.” Rachel brought up, trying to add cheer to the conversation.

“Not the same as a champions league trophy.” Trent groaned.

Rebecca stood up, beckoning Rike & Virgil to sit down.

“We need to change the topic guys. If we keep talking about the defeat you guys are going to moping all the way until next season and into the World Cup.” She suggested.

“So change of topic anyone?” Andy asked, taking another swig of his beer.

“How about that Y/N’s latest book has just won a Pulitzer Prize.” Trent offered the newest bit of information.

You whipped your head in his direction. You hadn’t thought that he’d remember or had even noticed with all of the matches and finals going on.

When your eyes met Trent’s, all you could see in his face was pure love and joy.

“I’m so so proud of you.” He said into your ear.

Your heart swelled with happiness. You felt on top of cloud nine despite yesterday’s events in Paris.

“Y/N that’s amazing!” Virgil exclaimed.

“Was it Life as We Know it?” Rachel asked, referring to the novel of yours which had been an international success in the last year.

You nodded, “Yeah that was it.”

“I need to tell the team.” Jordan got out his phone and started texting rapidly.

You blushed, these very public gestures always made you feel shy. Shy but appreciated.

“This calls for a toast. Let me help with the drinks.” Rebecca, Rike, and Virgil made their ways to the kitchen to get some more wine and beer.

“WOOOO Y/N IS THE BEST WRITER EVER!” Andy’s hands shot up in the air and he started dancing around.

You and Trent looked over at each other. You tried to hide your laughter by snuggling into his chest, but it was impossible.

Andy was Andy. The loud, hilarious Scotsman.

*** “A toast. To Y/N. For making our dark days, brighten with some light.” Trent raised his glass, as the others followed.

You did the same, giving everyone a grateful smile, especially Trent.

You looked at everyone around you, they were happy yes. But as you squinted further you could still see the sad looks in their eyes. The stinging pain of the loss didn’t just go away like that.

“Thank you guys. I appreciate it, I really do. But it’s okay to feel bad for yourselves you know. A champions league final is a big thing. You can’t just get over it in less than twenty four hours. Don’t let me be the reason you have to suppress your emotions.” You told them honestly.

“The channels did say that you guys had quite a few things you needed to work on.” Rike responded.

“The different in caliber between us and Madrid was incredibly large.” Jordan agreed.

“Let’s hear them then.” Trent started.

“Y/N. You go first. You always have the best insight and you never share it with anyone except us.” Rachel began, gesturing to her, Rike, and Rebecca.

Trent shared a knowing smile with you. He knew how analytical you were. How easy it was for you to immediately spot the flaw in the lineup and what’s substitutions needed to be made.

“Well,” You sighed.

This wasn’t going to be easy. There was a lot.

“Your defense was lacking for the majority of the match. When they finally stepped up, it was too late. You guys didn’t press enough until the match was basically over. And essentially, you let yourself be outplayed. It didn’t help that Courtois was a wall of steal either.” You explained.

“You have a good back line for the most part. Just need to strengthen the weak areas, like tracking back. And as for up front, you need to work on converting those shots.” You finished.

“This is better insight than what Klopp gave us yesterday.” Jordan murmured.

“I’m texting everything you said to him right now. Thank you so much YN.” Virgil smiled, his thumbs rapidly moving on his smartphone screen.

Trent drew close to you and pressed a kiss against your cheek.

“My beautiful, intelligent girl. I’m so so lucky to have you.” He whispered into your ear.

“Thank you for mentioning the Pulitzer Prize. I thought you’d forgotten to be honest.” You confessed.

He rested his forehead against yours.

“You’re too incredible for me to forget anything about you. You’re on my mind every second of everyday.” Trent smiled at you.

“You guys are gross.” Andy furrowed his eyebrows at you and Trent, a small smile playing on his lips.

this is a bit of a mess. thank you for bearing w me

[twisted-art-wounders]

YGO AU: Breaking the Seal 07

Chapter 7 Sprouts After Yugi gets an invitation form Pegasus he and gang head to America hoping for answers, but Pegasus finds danger in form of someone he wasn't expecting to.

Once Yugi announced his plans to take the plane to America to see Pegasus it didn't take long for his other friends to agree to join him on his journey, something Yugi was quite pleased to hear. He wasn't too happy about making this trip alone so having his friends at his side once more gave him confidence. They all agreed to meet at the air port tomorrow at 7 am for their flight, Yugi would get details on the flight later on with a phone call form a representative from Industrial Illusions.

Meanwhile just outside of Yugi's house Rex and Weevil sat in the bushes listening in on the entire conversation as well thanks to a well placed bug on Yugi's living room window. They were both upset at the news of Yugi being invited by Pegasus and would be able to see where all the rare cards were.

Rex imagining that Yugi and his friends would be treated to tons of rare cards all for themselves curdosey of Pegasus himself. It made Rex furious thinking about how lucky Yugi and his friends were to have so much good fortune, Weevil on the other hand had a plan that would allow them to follow them to America unnoticed, he chuckled to himself.

That night everyone was busying trying to pack their bags for the trip ahead; Tea wondered how long the trip would be putting a few shirts into her suitcase she looked over at a poster of “Dark Magician Girl in the Moonlight” A Broadway play she saw a few years ago that helped inspire her into wanting to play that role herself. She couldn't believe she was going back to America so soon, meanwhile Tristan was struggling to pack his own suit case not sure exactly what he should pack for the trip.

Joey was more or less packed for the trip and was on the phone giving Serenity an update about him being away for a while and for her not to worry about him. Just as he hung up the phone it rang again so he answered thinking it was Serenity asking him something but was surprised at the voice on the other end.

“Hello?”

“Hey~ long time to speak Wheeler.”

Joey froze “M-Mai? Is that you?”

“Of course it's me dummy! Have you forgotten my lovely voice already?” Mai huffed half jokingly.

After Battle City just before she left; Mai had snuck a card with her phone number on the back into Joey's duel disk, when he got home he noticed the number with a note saying “If you need someone to talk to, I'm just a call away- Mai”. It took Joey a few tries to work up the courage to call her but when he did it made him happy to hear her voice. He decided to made it a habit of calling her once in a while to get updates and to chat generally. He totally forgot he needed to call her tonight and explain things.

“W-what of course not! W-whatsup?” Joey fumbled a bit trying to regain his composer.

“Not much, just landed in California after being stuck in the air for last 15 hours! Ugh those monster sightings have been nothing but a pain!” Mai growled.

Joey paused for a moment “Wait you're in California right now?”

“Yeah, I just told you that a second ago! Keep up Wheeler.”

“No! I know it's just I'm heading out there tomorrow morning!”

“Get out really! Why did you win a trip or something?” Mai was excited now.

“No no! It's a long story! But we're flying out to meet with Pegasus!”

“Pegasus? Why'd he do something like that?” Mai started to sound a bit concerned since she knew Pegasus was still a dangerous man to be around and after Duelist Kingdom and him falling ill suddenly -or so she heard- it had her worried.

“Again long story but I think he needs Yugi's help and me and others are going for back up, I think he knows something about whats been going on with all those monsters appearing and the crazy weather! Did Pegasus call for you too?”

Mai paused then replied “No. I'm here on vacation. But I'd be more then happy to give you guys a lift to Industrial Illusions after you land.”

“Naw Mai you don't gotta disrupt your trip for us! I beat they'll send a cab over or something.”

“Too late! I'm already gonna rent a car! I'll be at the air port waiting~” Mai hummed.

“Well if you insist! I'll call you with the details once we're at the airport in Domino! See ya then Mai!” Joey smiled.

“See ya!” Mai then hung up the phone placing it down, she was seated at the airport bar with a colourful cocktail she was working on. She was decked out in full vacation gear; a sundress, tall heeled sandals, a hat and large sunglasses. She took a sip off her drink then stirred it with the straw.

//Calling Yugi out of no where…what game you playing now, Pegasus?//

-- Finally Yugi had packed the last of his items into his duffle bag and suit case, he zipped the bag up then he saw the key card setting on his desk so he got up to go and pick it up.

“Oh yeah can't forget this! “Key of Illusion” I wonder what it's for?” Yugi looked at the card then faced the other Yugi who had just appeared beside him. “Hey other me-” Yugi then noticed he looked very distracted like something was on his mind.

Yugi walk over in front of him and asked “Hello? Is something on your mind?”

Yami then looked up then at his partner “Oh! What is it partner?”

“Whats on your mind?” He asked directly only for Yami to try and sake his question off saying

“Nothing”

“You're lying, Your keeping something to yourself!”

Yami signed with a smile “Partner…I can't hide anything form you. I was thinking about our new enemies. Who are they what do they want with us?”

Yami looked down again //If only I hadn't lost my memories, I may have known who they are…//

“You're doing it again!” Yugi pointed to him making Yami look up at Yugi.

“Don't hide how you feeling. There are too many things I don't know either…” Yugi hugged himself a bit.

“I have a bad feeling about all of this…Something is coming and I'm worried! What's going to happen?” Yugi's eyes wavered in fear looking deeply into them you could see they were beginning become de-saturated more muted…Yugi then fell to his knees unable to stand up.

“Partner!” Yami yelled and got on his own knees placing his hands on Yugi's shoulders, Yugi looked up at him as his skin was looking more pale making Yami's eyes widen.

“Partner! we still didn't tell our friends…about your soul.” Yami looked down at Yugi who was trembling a bit but still looked up at him with a weak smile.

“We have enough things to worry about! My friends don't need to know yet…” Yugi grabbed onto the side of his bed and used it to lift himself up and stand again.

“okay enough talk tonight! We have new journey ahead tomorrow after all!”

Yugi walked towards the light switch in his room and shut it off “Let's get some rest!, Good night Other me!”

Yami looked up at the newly fixed window, the moon was high that night but his worries still plagued him. He just couldn't forget that Yugi's life was still in danger and Yugi ironically was trying to avoid talking about it as much as possible but what could he do? He couldn't force his partner to talk if he didn't want to, Yugi was always quite avoidant of a subjects like this. Yami just signed and returned to the puzzle.

--

Dartz watched the wall with the statues that held the three Eyptcain god cards in their mouths, with their god now reborn into this world it was time to start feeding it with the strong souls of duelists. Dartz thought about how Yugi had managed to summon Timeaus the legendary dragon and used it power to escape his capture by the hands of their god.

“Even if he's manage to release that dragon, it wont matter I already got my claws into the vessel.”

Dartz grinned as he could feel the pulse of negative energy now emitting form the deck that sat in Yugi's soul room, Yugi himself completely unaware of their sinister purpose.

“Raphael!” Dartz yelled as his tallest swordsmen walked up and knelt before him.

“Yes Master Dartz, I'll find and capture the Nameless Pharaoh's soul to feed our god.” Raphael stated

Dartz huffed and turned around to face him now a look of annoyance on his face “We need MORE then just the Nameless Pharaoh's soul, We need the souls of STRONG duelists!”

Alister then walked out form behind the pillar standing beside Raphael “Then I'll go after Seto Kaiba.”

Valon soon joined them from the other side of the room “And I'll take care of Joey Wheeler! I beat he's got to be worth something he did make it to top 4 of Battle City after all.”

Alister glared over at Valon “Pfft figures you go for the easiest target.”

Valon growled and glared back towards Alister with the same venom in his voice and pointed “You're one to talk! Why're you going after Mr. Bronze Metal? Too scared to hunt down Ishtar for a real battle?”

Alister simply turned away and closed his eyes “I have my reasons, Valon.” he replied.

“Oh really?” Valon hissed again before Raphael broke them both up.

“Knock it off! We're in the presence of Master Dartz.” He scolded both of his fellow swordsmen.

Dartz had enough of hearing his swordsmen bicker and decided it was time to move forward with his plans.

“The Nameless Pharaoh is on his way to speak with Pegasus, another duelist with a strong soul. I've already made arrangements for him.” Dartz went into his pocket and pulled out a small object, he scanned his three swordsmen and picked Alister

“Alister!” he yelled then tossed object towards him, Alister was alert and caught the object in his hands quickly.

Sitting in his palm was a tear drop shaped shard of the Orichalcos stone, Alister looked over to Dartz puzzled. He already had his own stone in form of necklace around his neck why did he need another one?

“Head over to Pegasus but do not duel him just await my instructions, Do you understand?” Dartz barked at all three of his minions.

Both Alister and Valon now knelt down in same way Raphael currently was, all three held their heads down acknowledging him in unison.

“Yes, sir.”

-- Yugi had found himself back in his subconscious again, at least that's what he thought… he was expecting some kind of horrible climate to await him like past two times but this time he was greeted to a patch of wild greenery. He followed the green patch amazed to see all this life had spring up in what was once a dessert now it more resemble a jungle! Yugi moved a few plants aside trying to look over the canopy to find the greenhouse, which he did spot at the entrance of the jungle far in the distance. He'd hoped to just follow it and end up at the building but the flora soon become far too overwhelming for him to see almost anything.

Yugi was feeling frustrated as he made his way past tons of green plants so he yelled out

“Dartz! Are you here? I can't find the greenhous-” Yugi tripped and went for a bit of tumble before landing right at the foot of his new friend in the purple suit.

“D-Dartz!” Yugi smiled sheepishly trying to pick himself up only for the tall man to reach down and pulled Yugi up onto his feet.

“My that was quiet the tumble you took Yugi!” Dartz chuckled watching Yugi dust himself off pulling out a few loose leaves that attached themselves to him.

He then looked around at all the greenery and commented “Man this place gets greener and greener every time I come here…”

“That is a result of your healing, my child.” Dartz walked towards a clearing in the green space were an open patio with a white table and set of chairs, on top of the table was a pot of tea and set of cups waiting for them.

“My healing? My mind made all this just because I'm healing?” Yugi watched Dartz walk over to the table and gesture for him to take a seat which he did.

“Indeed and the more you heal the greater this place becomes, able to thrive and grow freely.” Dartz took a seat now and poured out a cup of tea for Yugi.

Yugi was still amazed with just how much his mind could do without him even knowing it. If it could do all this with just one session of healing with Dartz just imagine what it will be like when he's fully healed, that thought alone gave Yugi hope for the future. Dartz added the typical milk and sugar to Yugi's cup before handing it over to him.

“So tell me what is new for you?” Dartz stirred his cup crossing one leg over the other as he looked at Yugi.

Yugi smiled and began to tell Dartz all about what happened the night after he returned to his waking mind. He told him about going into the other Yugi's room and finding a door that lead them to the Duel Monsters world, the Dark Magician Girl telling him and Pharaoh they where chosen to release an ancient dragon named Timeaus. Who then saved him form being taken away by the evil eye of a monster that appeared in the sky over the city.

Finally he told him about Pegasus's message to him and how he was going to America in the morning, and how Dartz's reading was correct and how happy he was they where finally making some headway in this whole experience.

Dartz was smiling the entire time as Yugi excitedly told him about these events.

“My oh my such big developments for you! But something…is different about you Yugi…” Dartz took a sip of his own tea “Is something…missing?”

The echo of that word 'missing' rang in Yugi's ears making his fingers shake a bit, trying to keep a hold his tea cup. Yugi nodded and sipped his tea as best he could.

“Yes…Dartz the new enemy has stolen half of my soul! Dark Magician Girl said that if I don't get it back…I- I could…” Yugi swallowed hard as she had to place the cup back down to keep it form spilling. He tried to steady himself by putting his hands on the table to keep them stable but they just kept shacking.

Dartz placed a hand over Yugi's own only then were they able to be at rest, Yugi looked up at Dartz a few tears in his eyes. Dartz looked back at him his mismatched eyes staring into Yugi seemed to make him pay attention and listen to him carefully.

“You will not die my child. You're going to see Pegasus after all…he should hold some answers for you.”

Yugi rubbed his eyes the nodded “Y-yeah he should…” Yugi looked down a bit frightened.

Dartz watched him and tilted his head. “Do you not believe he has answers for you?”

“No-no! I know he must have some answers it's just…” Yugi trailed off a bit and looked at his tea, he picked it up and took a big sip. Placing the cup down again he breathed in then out and continued.

“Pegasus isn't exactly what you'd call a friend…he was my enemy before…” Yugi sighed.

“Oh? Tell me more…” Dartz leaned in his hand resting on his chin.

“Well…it all started with a video tape he sent me…” Yugi continued telling Dartz about how he had a duel with Pegasus using that same VHS tape and how he used his own shadow powers to imprint a piece of his soul into the tape, being and Millennium item user he could do so. After the duel was lost by the other Yugi Pegasus used a punishment game that took Yugi's grandfather's soul and forced him into having to go to Duelist Kingdom in order to save him.

He talked about Weevil tricking him and tossing his Exodia cards into the ocean; he talked about how his other friend Bakura was also an Millennium item holder and used his powers to trap him and his friends souls into cards and they had to play a life or death game for their lives. Yugi was shaking again by the time he started to talk about how Pegasus stole Kaiba's younger brother Mokuba's soul and forced him and Kaiba into a duel that resulted in Kaiba nearly throwing himself off the top of the castle if he didn't win…and that the other Yugi was going to do it…He was going to attack Kaiba and let him die just to win!

At that point Yugi was in tears having to remember that moment broke his heart, he knew it was a long time ago but the pain and fear and shame of it all came flooding back to him. He put his head on the table and sobbed into his arms. Dartz watched with a grin on his face but hid it again once he came closer and reached out rubbing Yugi's back.

“My poor child…I had no idea he'd done such horrid things to you! How dare he harm you and you're friends! Shame on him!” Dartz continued to rub Yugi's back as he lifted his head a bit and sniffled.

“Yes…he was awful…but-but now he doesn't have his Millennium Eye anymore…”

“Indeed…so you have nothing to fear of him…” Dartz rubbed Yugi's shoulders a bit before he stood up “and yet still…you're afraid to face him…”

Yugi sat up more and rubbed his eyes “Y-yes.. I know it's so stupid! Why am I so scared to face him?”

“As I've told you before Yugi trauma has away of digging into us…it holds onto us and makes us cautious of everything, even when there's nothing to be afraid of…but we can over come our trauma's in different ways correct?” Dartz turned to Yugi who nodded this made Dartz smile.

“Now why don't I help you over come your fear of Pegasus so you can face him head on when you meet with him…” Dartz held out his arm and duel disk appeared on it.

Yugi got up intrigued with how he was going to help him with a duel disk of all things. “Uhh how is this going to-”

Dartz chuckled “Yugi I know you love to duel! And I know your an excellent strategist, you've gone over every duel you've ever played and found weak points in an opponents dueling style haven't you?”

Yugi blushed and nodded embarrassed to be called out like this; he did tend to go over past duels with the other Yugi, and just for fun they always analyzed their duel and came up with different ways to exploit loop holes in the opponents strategy and use it against them.

“And I'm sure you've found away to defeat Pegasus in your mind haven't you?” Dartz had a deck appear in his hands and started to shuffle the cards.

“Y-yeah…I mean to be honest in the final duel with him I already had the right card ready to go until…” Yugi looked away trying not to remember when the final duel became a shadow game…

Dartz finished shuffling and put the deck into the deck slot on his duel disk before activating it. “Well then now you may try it out.”

Yugi looked up confused “What do you mean?”

“Remember how you learned to face the future when you faced the tarot cards? Well it can help you over come your fears in a controlled environment.” Dartz lifted a hand up over his head and brought it down as he did his image changed to match that of Pegasus!

Yugi jumped a bit seeing that happen so quickly gave him a fright!

Dartz chuckled as his voice also changed to sound exactly how Pegasus would “I think this helps complete the the illusion? So now you may face Pegasus in an controlled environment, once you've beaten him in a duel, you'll see he's nothing to be worried about! And you'll have no reason to fear him Yugi-boy~”

Dartz lifted his hair to show the hidden eye under his hair had been replaced with a normal eye again, something the real Pegasus probably would have done by now for the sake of vanity.

“You see? Just a normal eye under all this hair!” Dartz chuckled.

Yugi swallowed the lump in his throat; he knew this wasn't really Pegasus so he didn't really have to fear him right? Plus the Millennium Eye wasn't in his eye so he was safe form a shadow game…

Yugi smiled and nodded holding out his arm he used his mind to create a duel disk.

Dartz smiled again.

“Ah I'm glad you're mastering your subconscious mind so well…Now just imagine a 40 card deck and it will appear in your duel disk but they will already be shuffled so you wont know what you get until your draw a card.”

Yugi did as he was instructed and a deck of 40 cards appeared in his deck holder on the duel disk, normally Yugi would be using the deck he used in Battle City but this time since he knew this was Pegasus he was facing he decided to try a whole new strategy,which called for a different deck entirely…

“I know Pegasus's cards already and I'll duel as closely to him as possible…are you ready Yugi-boy?” Dartz said in Pegasus' mocking tone.

Yugi glared a bit “I've been working on this one for a while…let's see if you can handle this!” Yugi activated his duel disk and drew 5 cards, Dartz also drew 5 cards.

Facing each other they both yelled out

“Duel!”

-- Back at Industrial Illusions the moon was full and high in the night sky a chilly wind blew through causing a few clouds to move across the sky coming closer to the face of the moon. Pegasus sat in his office fingers lanced together his head resting upon them, worry and fear caused his heart to race. He was alone tonight, even the cleaning staff had finished and left leaving him the soul person inside the building.

On the roof the three swordsmen of DOMA had landed and awaited just as Dartz directed them to do earlier. Alister held onto the shard while Raphael watched the sky waiting for Dartz to contact them. Valon was bored as per usual when their missions had them just be observant and not act, like a impatient child he sat on the league of the buildings roof danging his legs off on the side.

“Urgh, how much longer is he gonna make us wait? Why can't we just attack Pegasus and get it over with already?” Valon huffed.

“You heard Master Dartz we wait for his instruction. We cannot act without his permission.” Raphael stated keeping his eyes on the clouds as they began to cover the moon bathing the roof in darkness.

“If I knew you'd be so whinny I would have brought you a pocket game to keep your occupied.” Alister chuckled making Valon growl and ready to snap back with his own retort only for them to hear a voice come through the communication channel in their ear buds.

Alister answered “Yes Dartz?”

'You have arrived at Industrial Illusions? And the shard is with you?' Dartz asked.

“Yes sir we're in position and shard is with me”

'Good, now put it down on the ground in front of you and wait.'

Alister did as he was told and placed the shard down in front of him then waited. Once he did a powerful glow of green light flashed and started to crackle around the shard, it floated up and stopped about 3ft off the ground. Another flash of light followed as the stone was enveloped in the green glow, it started to grow and take on a humanoid shape.

The three swordsmen watching with intrigue as the human shape started to flesh out features; hair, eyes, a mouth, a nose, clothing and footwear. With one final flash of green light a figure stood before them but what was really shocking was who the figure resembled.

“No way…is that?” Alister started

“Yugi?” Valon finished.

The figure was a perfect copy of Yugi, especially once his eyes opened and his signature purple and orchid eyes could be seen now. The only thing he lacked was the Millennium Puzzle around his neck and fact he now had the green shard of the Orichalcos hanging form his earlobe like an earring. The copy Yugi held out his left arm and a chaos duel disk just like the one each swordsmen carried appeared on his arm.

“Dartz wants you to duel him?” Raphael said confused looking at the tiny duelists that stood before them.

“Is this some kind of a joke?” Valon asked.

“Well we have to trust Dartz's orders don't we?” Alister crossed his arms and watched as the Yugi copy turned around and headed towards the ledge of the roof.

“Hey! If you beat him do me a favour and grab his deck will you kid?” Alister barked to the Yugi copy who nodded then turned around so he was facing them fully.

He hopped down from the ledge holding on to the edge with both hands then lowered himself to the window sill below. He landed softly like a cat and saw the window was open but only by a crack, he slowly pushed it in and let himself in to the office.

Pegasus sat at his desk his back facing the window, head still down as worry carried in his voice.

“Please, Yugi-boy come quickly! I don't know how much time I have left…”

Pegasus then felt the wind enter the office space causing the curtains to bellow and float in the air. He soon realized just how cold it felt in the room now which was odd he didn't open the window that much.

“I'd say your time is up.” a voice echoed in the room.

Pegasus was surprised by the voice and turned in his chair to face the window; his one eye was widened in horror as he witnessed sitting on the window ledge was Yugi. One leg resting on the ledge while the other hung down, he rested one hand on his knee while the other one rested beside him. He looked very casual his head tilted to the side as he watched Pegasus just like a Cheshire cat with a grin to match.

“Whats the matter Pegasus? You look like you've seen a ghost.” Yugi answered with a wide grin and a slight chuckle.

“It-it can't be…I just called for you today! How can you be-” Pegasus got up form his chair still dumbfounded by what he was witnessing. How did Yugi get here so fast? Why was he sitting on the window?

Yugi corrected his head back into an upright position and chuckled. “Relax I'm not a ghost, not like you can tell without your Millennium Eye anymore…”

The Yugi copy lowered his knee and hopped off of the window ledge again landing softly on the ground “Then again maybe I am a ghost…a spirit of vengeance you could say…”

Yugi started walking towards Pegasus, the older man started to back away form him, feeling the seething malice in his voice and aura.

“V-Vengeance?” Pegasus swallowed a lump in his throat as he kept backing away trying to keep his distance form the boy. “What…are you talking about?”

He never thought he'd feel this intimated by Yugi of all people, normally he had a cheerful aura about him he only ever showed this level of anger during their duel at the finals of Duelist Kingdom. Even then that hatred was more form Yami Yugi then Yugi himself or maybe that was Yugi's anger? And Yami Yugi only embodied it for him acted on Yugi's behalf? He wasn't sure now all he knew was this boy was emitting a quiet fury towards him.

“Oh come off it Pegasus! You know exactly what I'm talking about!”

As Yugi came closer, the click of the heels of his boots echoed in the dark room carrying it all around and letting Pegasus know he was alone in here and no one was coming to save him.

“You see the other me may have let you go without a penalty game but I don't intend on doing the same…You're number is up and it's time for you to pay for what you did to me Pegasus!” Yugi hissed as he glared up at the man with a single eye.

Pegasus was still backing away his heart was racing as he finally hit the opposite wall of his office, bumping into a short bookshelf that held his duel disk on it. Even with the door was only 3 feet away he was still parallelized with fear watching in horror as Yugi now activated his chaos duel disk.

“That duel disk…Yugi w-wait! Are you-” Pegasus struggled to form words he was in shock about seeing the duel disk that belonged to DOMA now being used by Yugi, was he a apart of them?

Yugi pulled out five cards form his deck, he was ready for a fight.

“Come on Pegasus! What do you have to be afraid of? This isn't a shadow game, I don't have my Millennium Puzzle and you don't have your Millennium Eye, we're on even ground… for once. If you're truly a duelist you wont back down!” Yugi shouted in a mocking tone.

Pegasus grimaced at being called out like this, he looked down and saw his own duel disk grabbing it and placing it on his arm. He activated it and shoved the deck he kept in the breast pocket of his suit into the deck slot.

“Alright! I'll accept your challenge Yugi!” Pegasus yelled pulling out 5 cards.

“Duel!” They both shouted.

[axel-ambassador]

Cass's S3 arc was wasted potential, how about we fix that

This is gonna be a long one so buckle up.

yes yes we all know how much her villain and redemption arc was very iffy and can be fixed in so many ways. For example the ones I've seen:

Remove Gothel and focus on different motivations, you could have her doing it to protect Rapunzel rather than simply turning against her out of jealousy.

Have Zhan Tiri literally posses her through her ill feelings and control her like a puppet both physically and mentally.

Have the mirror demon Cass take the moonstone as a double plot twist, leaving Cass stuck in the house of yesterdays tomorrows, and nobody even knows.

All of these are fantastic ideas to rewrite her arc but one I've seen less explored in detail is the insanity route.

Insanity and delusion arcs, if done well, can make for some very compelling characters, whose motivations and actions can be unpredictable, but also understandable.

What if the moonstone slowly ate away at Cass's sanity, ON TOP OF what's she's already going through with her feelings of uselessness and abandonment, and with Zhan Tiri constantly talking in her ear and feeding her lies used to justify those feelings. Just take what we already have in canon, and spice it up a bit to make it more believable.

What if the moonstone also projected voices? Lost souls who have succumbed to the effects of possessing the stone, some nagging and screeching at Cass, telling her not to make the same mistake as they did, and some encouraging and praising her to follow Zhan Tiri and do these awful things.

The thing is, despite hearing voices, Cass refuses to remove the stone, because she's never felt so alive, so powerful, and she slowly gaslights herself into believing that the stone is, in fact, keeping her alive, because without this power she may as well be dead, with her injury essentially ruining her future, and that's her justification in Crossing the Line.

Think of the Ice King from Adventure Time. His crown gives him incredible ice powers and keeps him alive, but it takes his sanity from him, creating an impossible labyrinth in his mind that he becomes trapped in, leaving him a shell of his former self.

So Cass spends 6 months without other human contact, with only the comfort of the little ghost girl and the voices. She's angry, she's scared, so the red rocks still appear. She doesn't know what's happening anymore, why she feels so proud and yet so so guilty all the same. She's confused, she can't sleep, she can't think straight, the voices are pulling at her psyche, tearing her mind in two, one that is still loyal to Raps and is sorry betraying her, only wanting to be noticed for once, hoping they can fix their friendship, and one with a darker train of thought that is angry, in pain, and thinks that this is the only way, that Rapunzel needs to know how it feels to be seen as nothing but a shadow, an afterthought, a mistake, like she has been seen as for so many years.

They conflict, each thought slowly becoming more and more incoherent as it all blends into a cacophony of static noise, a whirlwind of emotion that she doesn't know how to process, and so she does what she's always done when he feels lost.

She fights.

Rapunzel sees her after 6 months and notices something off. Cass's confidence and pride all those months ago seem to be gone, she sees a caged animal, growling and clawing at scraps of salvation. She's talking to herself.

Varian is kidnapped, with the intention of obtaining more power, because without this incantation, she's nothing but a nuisance to her former friends unless she proves that she's powerful enough to pose a threat, so she can finally be taken seriously.

Nothing Left to Lose is relatively the same, but Cass appears more unhinged in her movements, nearly impaling Varian and even herself as the song continues. She cant lose, not when she's lost her parents, capability, future, friends, home, and without knowing just yet, sanity.

Bring back the deleted storyboards of her panting and lashing out as she destroys the painting of Raps, and you can see the slight remorse in her eyes before a faint whisper ushers her away from the wreckage, telling her to claim their her rightful throne.

When the gang tries to enter, she revels in their struggle, they finally have an inkling of what it's like to be so determined to reach a goal, only to be shut down at each corner. She laughs, but it doesn't sound like her. She eventually lets them up on her own, they need to see just how powerful she's become.

"I'm glad you could make it Raps, I've been waiting for you."

Attack. Attack. This is your chance, coward.

"Shut up..."

"...I didn't say anything Cass..."

Cass pauses, none of the voices ever responded to her pleas before. She looks at Rapunzel with an unreadable expression.

You're crazy, you're insane insaneinsaneinsane doitdoitdoit makehersufferkillher kill her

"I said SHUT UP!"

She lashes out. She fights. She's quick, strong, but also sloppy, and that's what makes her fall to Rapunzel's power.

The moonstone is chipped like her psyche. What now whatnow whatnowwhatnow?

More power they whisper, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

But it's not enough, it's never enough, she's never been enough. She's stuck, she's always been stuck. An endless cycle of a dream, a goal, a passion, followed by an obstacle, an intrusion, a blonde princess. She needs to break this cycle before it breaks her further.

So she lets the ghost girl guide her, too tired and too sick to navigate her ocean of emotions anymore. Letting wave after wave pass over her until she drowns, and suddenly she's in a cave, clutching a broken box, pieces scattered about like her heart.

She doesn't know what she's saying anymore, what's an intruding voice and what's her own thoughts. She keeps flashing back, stuck in a house, stuck in a castle, stuck in a tree, stuck in a mirror, stuck in a tower, stuck in a cave, stuck, stuck, stuck.

She and Rapunzel break out, with a broken mirror, and a broken spirit.

The voices are screaming, ringing, screeching, she can't form a single coherent thought. She's stuck between ideas.

Forgive her, love her, fix this, fix yourself.

Kill her, hurt her, show her exactly how much she's hurt you. Kill.

Fix. Kill. Fix. Kill. Fix. Kill. FIX. KILL. F I X. K I L L.

Compromise. She's never considered a compromise, never had the peace of mind to. Kill or be killed, was all it ever was for her.

Now it's Rapunzel who is stuck, trapped in a cave by a woman trapped in her mind.

Eventually she finds the missing shard, but her minds only fractures further. She sees visions when she touches those small shoulders, a demon conqueror, a blue haired puppet, an eclipse.

Everything shatters.

She's sick. She's ill. She doesn't know who she is or what she's meant to do.

For once, the good voices ring louder.

Find her. Talk to her. Tell her what's wrong. Maybe she'll listen.

For once.

For once, she lets the good voice be her guide.

But of course they wouldn't want her. She's crazy. She's ill. She's insane as Eugene has put it.

"Cass, please, you don't have to be the bad guy."

So that's all she was.

"I don't want to be the bad guy. I'm sick...I can't think straight. I don't want to fight anymore ok? I just...I can't-"

She's cut off by a shot of amber, and everything is a blur.

Anger, pain, sadness, guilt, betrayal, whispers, screaming, crying, she's screaming, she's crying, she's insane. She's stuck.

She's in a throne room, your making a mistake rightful place, they say. She doesn't want this, she wants...she doesn't know what she wants. She can't feel, she can't think, and suddenly, she doesn't care.

She doesn't care when the eclipse comes. She doesn't care when Rapunzel arrives to take back her kingdom. She doesn't care when the puppet strings are pulled and she's suddenly fighting again. It's automatic. It's feels right. It feels wrong.

Rapunzel is trapped, encased by her (how did that happen?) She can only make out one word in the train wreck that is her mental state.

"Why?"

Why? Why had she done this? Was it even her anymore? Was it Cassandra? Who even is Cassandra? What does she want? What is she doing? She doesn't know the answer to any of these.

Voices and thoughts overlapping, creating a buzzing sensation, she answers as honestly as she knows how to.

"I wish I knew..."

Zhan Tiri take the moonstone, and she just lays there, thinking she's about to die, after all, the stone kept her alive, right? She's never felt so alive and so dead.

She hears Rapunzel's voice, she must have died too. Or maybe it's another one of the good voices giving a final goodbye. She looks around, Hell isn't yellow and rocky...Hell doesn't have a brunette princess...

They're stuck.

"Snap out of it Cass-"

You're crazy.

"I should be dead..."

"...what...?"

Useless. Unwanted. Mistake.

"That stone kept me alive... I might as well be dead... after all, I was as good as dead to you wasn't I?"

"Cass..."

Pitiful. Weak.

"Shut up...i can't think...i don't know who I am anymore...the voices...the voices won't stop...what am I supposed to do...what am I meant to do...who am I...?"

"Oh Cass..."

She tries to listen to Raps's speech, how she was sorry for ignoring her and her feelings, sorry with what was happening to her, how she was her best friend, how they can both work to fix their friendship, to fix her.

For once, Cass allowed herself to relax, as Raps pulled her into her arms.

She dies, for real this time. She can feel the floatiness, the numbness, the void that she could only feel in her mind had finally spread to the rest of her body.

Dead weight.

She's awake, and it's as if nothing has changed. She's surrounded, Raps and Eugene are there welcoming her in their embrace, and she almost feels whole again.

She cries, and cries, and cries and screams and cries and cries and cries.

She doesn't know who she's meant to be, she doesn't know anything anymore. Drunk and ill with power for so long, she's lost everything, her purpose, her future, herself.

She's stuck.

She's given a trial, found guilty of treason, but sentenced to exile as a way to better herself and her mind. Prison would only kill her further.

She's on the road, nothing but herself, Fidella, and the voices, searching for a destiny long lost to a cycle of misery of pain, finally moving, no longer stuck.

geez that took forever oh well I hoped you enjoyed I guess and if you made it this far, thanks for reading, and let me know what you think :)

[hassedah]

Raphael take care MC who is sick :

Hi! How are you? I hope you are well! ^^

Here is the headcanon with Raphael from the series under sick MC.

I hope you enjoy it!

Take care of yourself and have a nice day ^^

Raphaël rarely gets sick, apart from a few rather annoying migraines. Lastly, since you've been with him he's been coping much better with his migraines, which doesn't mean he doesn't have any pain at all, just that the pain is much more manageable when you're there to look after him. So it's out of the question for him not to be there to take care of you when you fall sick.

He's not the most anxious, which doesn't mean that he doesn't worry, but rather that he manages to get himself together quite easily. Ethan is an excellent doctor, and Aaron also has a very good knowledge of medicine. Let's just say Raphaël can cure a cold or flu without too much trouble and he can stitch up a wound without aggravating it. However, he's less confident in his abilities when you're the one who falls ill. He wouldn't want to risk making you sicker... or hurting you by making a mistake.

You weren't feeling well this evening. Raphaël had got up a little before you to go and wash in the bathroom. You had originally planned to join him as you often do, but you quickly gave up the idea. Your head felt like it was being squeezed in an ever-tightening vice, you were aching all over and your throat was hoarse. You sank back under the warm sheets of your bed, groaning. You had planned to go out for a walk in the forest with Raphaël this evening, but that seemed compromised if you didn't feel better soon. Hoping that you'd get some sleep and feel better, you closed your eyes in search of sleep.

You woke up a quarter of an hour later to the sound of your bedroom door opening. Far from feeling any better, the simple light from the corridor made you groan in pain.

“MC?

-Hmm. You answer weakly.

-MC? Sweetie? Is something wrong?" Raphaël asks you in a worried voice. He strides towards you, narrowly missing hitting a piece of furniture in the process.

“Don't hurry, honey," you mumble in a pasty voice. I wouldn't get very far in my condition anyway...

However, Raphaël soon finds himself sitting on the bed next to you.

“You really don't look well this evening. Your voice sounds very tired, what's wrong?

-I've just got a bit of a headache... and a sore throat too..., you sigh before resuming more sincerely, in fact I feel like I've been working out for hours, I'm aching all over...

-Do you want me to go and get Ethan? Raphaël suggests straight away.

-No... it's fine. It'll probably pass tomorrow. But I'm sorry, we won't be able to go for a walk in the woods as planned. I wouldn't even trust myself enough to go down the stairs without falling.

-Oh, love, he's kissing your forehead gently, it is all right, don't worry about it, we'll go another time. I'd rather you got some rest tonight if you need it. But if you feel that bad, maybe I should go and get Ethan anyway.

-He's probably off to Moondance by now..." you reply with a sigh.

Raphaël lifted his head for a moment to concentrate on the presence in the manor before sighing.

“It is true that I don't feel everyone in the manor... He always has to leave at the wrong moment," grumbles Raphaël.

I think I'll feel better tomorrow," you reply. Really, I just need to rest a bit, it's fine if Ethan isn't here.

-If that's what you want," Raphaël says gently, caressing your cheek, then pauses for a moment before continuing You're burning up, my sweetie... I'm going to go and get you a bottle of water, I don't want you to get dehydrated.

-Okay, I'm not likely to move from here anyway," you joke, taking his hand to kiss it before he leaves.

Raphaël returned just a few minutes later with the bottle of water, sitting down again on the bed beside you before handing it over. You took a few sips and put it on the bedside table. Raphaël kissed your forehead again before asking.

“Do you want me to stay with you? I can take a book up to the bedroom and read with you while you rest. Or can I go and make you a cup of tea too? I'd suggest some music, but I'm afraid that would only make your headache worse. But you can ask me anything you like, I'll do it if it makes you feel better.

I just want you to lie next to me... at least until I fall asleep...”

Raphaël came against you and you snuggled up against his shoulder. He kissed your temple before whispering softly.

"I love you my love, you can rest easy. I'm going to stay with you."

You mumbled faintly as you felt your eyelids starting to feel heavy.

"I love you too. "

[skylarmoon71]

HR Wells (Flash) Chapter 18

Barry wasn’t fully convinced that this woman wasn’t a threat, so he stayed on guard. Right now she was staying at Star Labs until you could leave. Presently, she’s seated in the med area, eyes staring at the wall. HR knocks at the door and her gaze turns. 

“Heya! Thought you might be hungry.” 

He placed the big belly burger bag down with a smile. She shifted a bit uneasily. 

She wasn’t blind, they were all a bit stiff around her, except for you and now HR. 

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” 

“I could never be afraid of you.” She means to call him out on a lie, but the way his eyes convey so much fondness, it’s hard to do. 

“I’m not her, you know. We may be doppelgangers, but we’re vastly different. “ 

“You’re still (Y/N).” 

She looks down at her feet.

“You know she might die. They aren’t weak like the beings in this dimension. “

“I know that.” He removed his hat. 

“I’m afraid that I’ll lose her.” 

He knew he wouldn’t be able to talk you out of it. Now more than ever you would be driven to go. You felt responsible for the pain your other half was now feeling. You relate with it. Her eyes mark everything. 

“Harrison.” The use of his name is a bit strange. No one had called him Harrison in years. He moves closer at the gesture she makes. When she holds out a hand to shake, he senses no ill intentions. It’s almost like an invitation. HR wears a smile, reaching and taking her hand. When their palms touch, his eyes widen. 

“HR.” 

Your call catches his attention. He turns, and you walk inside. 

“I’m pretty much packed for tomorrow. The sooner we leave the better. “

This is the goodbye he’s been dreading. You stare at your doppelganger, and HR eyes shift as she lays on the bed, turning her back to the both of you. You get the message, walking outside as you slide the door close. Both you and HR head towards the speed lab where pretty much everyone else is conversing. When you get there, Barry’s straightens. 

“How is she doing?” 

“As good as you can expect. My plan had been to stay here a few more days, but I think I’ll be leaving tomorrow. This threat is more dangerous than we realize. I can’t risk any more of them jumping through here. We need to take the fight to them. Cisco, is everything ready?” 

“I’m vibing and ready to go, just say when. “ 

That’s one less thing to worry about. 

“HR while I’m gone I’d really like it if you could-” 

“I’m going with you.” 

Your brows knit. 

Harry folds his arms, and Caitlin sends him a sympathetic look. 

“HR, you can’t. We have no idea how the atmosphere there will affect you. (Y/N) has her ring, that may be the one thing that can stand universal changes. “ 

You know he’s scared. So are you. But you can’t risk him going there. 

“I know how you feel, HR, trust me.” 

“You have no idea how I feel. “ 

This time, it’s different. His tone, his expression. 

“I love you. I’m in love with you. I’d die for you (Y/N).” You let out a breath, swallowing at the purpose in his voice. 

“I’m going with you.” HR opens his palm, and you’re stunned at the brilliant pink glow that emits from the ring in his hand. Everyone is just as taken. You gasp. 

“H-HR where did you..” 

“He has all the prerequisites for a lantern.”

Your doppelganger steps out from the hallway. 

“I thought I imagined it when we first met. That glow in his eyes. The light I sensed when he was near you. It’s not a coincidence. He’s the same as my Harrison. He has the same need to protect you. The one I’ve always held for my husband. “ 

She no longer has a ring on her finger, and suddenly it makes sense. 

“I’m done fighting. I think the reason I was brought here wasn’t for revenge. I suppose the universe knew this battle was over for me. The same way it knows there’s one waiting for the both of you. A fight only you two can stop.” She shoves her hands in her pockets. 

“I can’t make up for all the lives I took with some twisted ideal of love, but I know that I can do this. You’re meant to do great things, I knew it the moment I saw both of you.” She turns to you. 

“Don’t make the same mistake I did. Let him fight by your side, not from the sidelines. If things get too hairy, I’ll be there. You know how to call me Harrison.” She turns her wrist, and the ring in his hand gives a slow pulse. She smiles. 

“Don’t go getting killed, otherwise I’ll hunt you down myself. “ 

That’s the last thing she says before she flicks her wrist. You don’t see much, she steps through what looks like an invisible wall. In a matter of seconds, she’s gone. You can’t do much more than gape. 

“Well damn, you’re a lantern too. I could use one of those snazzy rings.” 

Cisco reached for the ring, plucking it from HR’s hand. The second HR is no longer holding it, the light vanishes. Cisco turns it, inspecting it carefully. 

“Huh.” 

He hands it back to HR, and the light returns with a vengeance. HR looks almost hypnotized. 

Barry and Caitlin wear a small smile.

“I guess there isn’t much of a choice. You were chosen, HR.” 

You’d like to deny it, but it seems true. You’d been so hell bent on protecting everyone that you forgot that HR was feeling just as helpless. His pleading eyes turn on you. 

“Please, let me fight with you.”

At this point he’s begging. You take his hands, nodding. 

“Alright.” 

HR’s face lights up immediately, and he hugs you so tightly. You return it, burying your face into his shoulder. 

Sometimes you needed to remind yourself that you didn’t have to do it all on your own. 

You had friends. 

Family.

[scenegraph]

scenegraph reviews: smp kit makes pose rockman.exe (part one: assemblé)

i thought i wasn’t going to type up one of these for rockman.  he’s basically the same as roll, right?  he’s going to have similar pain points on assembly, right?

lolno.  well, lolsorta.

so!  as you might recall from the roll review, ‘skin’ tone for these kits is a bright shade of simpsons yellow, which i painted over at the same time as painting the roll parts to arrive at a more attractive pale peach:

these look like they’re going to be faceplates, and on the side of the box they’re displayed like they’re option parts like roll’s hand attachments are, but they slide (with a lot of resistance) into place the same way roll’s face did.  so they’re really more like choose your adventure options.  just select the one that suits the way you tend to display your figures; because i like to make my figures do doofy shit all the time rather than just fight, i went with the maskless one.

now, the good news is, there are way less load-bearing decals on rockman!  things that should arrive painted in, like his bodysuit stripes, are painted in!  noice!

at first i thought this was Main Character Privilege.  then i realized that rockman has no open hands.  just these fists.

that’s all he gets!  he cannot do the ‘guess ill die’ shrug like roll can because lol no open hands, though he can flex his wrists to do the jealousy pose which no rockmans or megamans i’ve owned before could do so... equality at last?? 

roll’s open hands are so expressive and she can do so much between them and the fists, it’s a shame rockman doesn’t have the same.  presumably you can fix this by buying the style change set, since that comes with a kusamura seed and presumably they’d give you an extra set of open hands so that base rockman can hold it too, but that’s another one hundred and fifty dollars when i don’t want no style changes, give me more navis instead and don’t make me buy whole other kits just so i can get the option parts rockman deserves.  u actin’ like these are nine-dollar barbies i can just yoink a head or an outfit from instead of full-blown model kits with collector price points, i don’t appreciate it, bandai.

(also on the subject of rockman’s hands, there is an absolutely massive sprue to cut in the meat of rockman’s thumb that looks like booty even after sanding.  grr.)

however, i can say that this is still way cooler than 66 action rockman’s lack of a second hand at all.  either you displayed him with a sword made of bendy plastic or a buster.  here, rockman has a nice non-bendy sword, a buster, and a regular arm.  putting the sword together is quite painful, because it doesn’t slide together smoothly, but it’s a tiny model, it happens.

in addition, while that one finicky bit in roll’s upper arm that required boiling water and pliers is gone, instead they have introduced a new pain point:

this popped out and went sailing across the room the first time i tried assembling it.  on roll, this upper arm and shoulder joint is a single piece.  once the arm is assembled, it even plugs into rockman’s torso the exact same way it did on roll. why is it different at all

the same “at this small size, invisible variances in the casting will make bits of this hard to jam together or not fit on at all” disclaimer from roll applies to rockman as well, so his wrist is very tetchy and he can’t wear his backpack until i sit there and epoxy it to his back, buuut that can wait for another day.  for now, both rock and roll are assembled, and nothing has outright broken so i don’t think i need to buy another set of these.  mission accomplished!

...aaaand i’ll do more pictures, comparisons, etcetc in a part two tomorrow or sunday.

[the-firebird69]

Bradley GT (ILL WHEELZ GARAGE👨🏾‍🔧🧰)

And this is the Bradley GT one period. Of course, he wants to modify it a bit. and see how it comes out. Yeah, some features that he likes that he thinks that you can actually accentuate. like the rear tire is taller than the front And to do that with the Dagostino. and with several other vehicles. And it has a kind of a muscle car to look and he wants to, of course, bump it out a little in the front and back. and more in the back. and keep the back end shape and design and incorporate the actual lights. But modern and the front lights too. For that matter, he says it with a. maybe with a different mechanism that doesn't open so weird. And we thought that was a good idea. But we did go over your ideas and we do see what you're seeing. The roof line is very unique too and it'll be rear engine. So we would add a little bit of a vertical angular piece like a two and a half be long. It would start at about a foot and go down to zero from the front to the back on the front to the back on each side. And it would be a mid engine even if it was throw wheel drive. We can remove it. But really it is going to be the Volkswagen bug to begin with or Volkswagen Beetle and father and mother want to launch it from the United States and they went through it last night. They were very excited and they our son and daughter called up and said we know you're being serious and you're you're making a decision tomorrow but we want you to look at it and he said OK so that's how it's gonna go and it's. said you have to keep the name is. said good that actually might actually sell and we might start with a fiberglass. with carbon and a little bit of plastic without telling people because they won't crack and stuff. and we think that's a good idea and you can do that these days and then we'll switch to the melded metal. and that way I'll be it won't be less expensive to start and he says yeah because those plastic ones will mold faster and that's our gimmick and we'll have to use the fire reading and you have to but the gimmick is it's plastic. it's FRPRP. RPCI. something like that. And it is. the reinforced fiberglass plastic carbon panels and they'll think that it's like plastic like Saturn and they'll buy it because it'll look good and it won't crack and it won't crack as much. And they're saying, wow, that's a great idea. And we can bump out tons of them. Pump out tons of them because the plastic when you put it in, it cures up in about 15 minutes. Literally run it down the line and you have to pop it out. I wanna make it just to see these damn things. I wanna see our son in one too. And he wants to be in one. He wants to make that damn car out of a Volkswagen so badly. It's not even funny because he was a child and wanted to do it as a challenge. And he can't even come close. You haven't. He hasn't even really stepped in into a super car and his father. and his father got him into a Porsche and we got him into a nascar. And that's as close as it's gonna get. He thinks until he's out of this. But we'd like to do it. And he could build it himself and people would want him to. And it would be the newer beetle. And we. would keep his theory and we check the heights that it works. It can keep it front wheel drive. And that works for everybody. And just change the seats. Damn. damned heavy. The other stuff you have to keep 'cause it's a huge pain in the **** to change the steering mechanism. It's a huge pain to touch the dashboard at all It looks OK and we might add a. some kind of a tachometer or something that already has them. But we are going to go ahead with this idea and he likes the VW bug idea. Now this might be what the chassis thing is with the cart. because the motor is kind of special. It's a new. concept and started a 2000 years ago with Chase. and Mary. So yeah. And it is. the statistics. on our version in the way he's described it. And it looks very hot and it looks mean and nice and fast and 

BrdleyGT1 VW Beetle 1997 to 2007. 130 base horsepower base. It is from the base model beetle.

- 0 to 3.2 seconds.

- Quarter mile 11.9 seconds.

- Top speed 280 mph.

- This is using the existing interior. except for the seats, the existing. drivetrain including the motor and the transmission in the gearing and the shifter. and remains front wheel drive. It includes new tires and rims and some components need to be switched out in the suspension and the exhaust needs to be switched out.

And Chief Gillespie approves, but he wants to know where and when it'll be made and how it can get one. and our son said, it matters how fast he can make it. He says, what do you mean? Make it? He said, why can't you guys make one. It would sound like crazy. So, like crazy. It says, we don't want to, and he doesn't. no, today, so, there's some other things going on. But this is the idea. And. There's a lot of enthusiasts who go right out and buy in the plastic idea is great. And not totally plastic, but they would be similar to Saturn panels. A little bit harder.

Thor Freya 

we do this now and were going to and using the beetle nd the other versin after.  We'll have to do it in pieces. And yes, it starts with. doing the panels in a different material. And yeah, we don't wanna ever touch the firewall or even the gages. It's such a pain And until we move the motor, it won't be done that way.. We're thinking we could open a shop and do it. BG is doing. and moving the motor His motors are 150 horsepower and a lot of the VW bugs have it. And we would be competition when. we know who could do it. It would not be one of the stinkers. So I'm gonna look at that too. And we're gonna get going on it. And right away It's awesome. He says it is awesome. It's gonna be nice.

Savage Oppress

Olympus

[linkware]

Today i got a meeting bc my numbers were low for a second day in a row and when i mentioned that id probably be faster if i wasnt experiencing A Pain in my body and he mentioned that i could go home but itd be another occurance and then said "the two excuses i hear the most are pain and the freight being bad, and from the looks of it youre fine and the freight is too" like im sorry i havent had a period in 6 months and i think my uterus is trying to invert itself inside of my body. Be nice to me before i explicitly describe what that feels like in detail to you and we both have to go to HR about it!!! But switching happened after to handle the Emotions and i asked him to do a random safety audit on me without telling me and i passed just fine so he said as long as i keep a steady pace through the night like i did when he audited ill be fine and we got the number back higher.

I still have to think about my job as a combination of school and salmon run to survive it but whatever works for me i guess. Have to be here i go on break when they tell me and i have to meet a quota.

I get praise if i meet it and a passive agressive talking to if i dont. This is so mr grizz coded. Also its stupid to expect 100% productivity when you, yourself, said that it takes roughly 6 weeks to get your body adjusted to the constant movement and ive been here for FOUR. And only 2 weeks actually doing things in my area hands on. Which is 7 days bc i havent worked tomorrow. Thays bananas and i think its silly so idc.

Also the rule that "if you need to rearrange a box so it fits then you packed it too full" is really stupid and i dont follow it because if i have a big cardboard box sitting on all of the smaller ones it wont fit but if i just move everything on top of it its fine. It literally takes less time than closing a partially full box bc that takes me longer than just dumping the box onto the line, putting the big item in, then putting stuff back ontop AND THEN closing the box. I can easily put more in this box without going over the handle. You want me to make a wasted movement to prevent a different one. I am very proud of my ability to follow rules unless they are stupid and no one can give me a better answer than "um its just the rules" like. Okay then unless its like some actual problem im gonna keep doing it suck my peanits.

I am also considering just giving myself a lunch budget for the workweek instead of prepping lunch bc i actually cannot handle doing the dishes during the week bc before work and after work is my only free time </3 i dont want to touch something gross or wet </3 ill do the trash or sweep or clean A Surface but dishes is no so tomorrow morning im gonna knock them out so i can enjoy the weekend and stuff cuz im gonna cook alot of tomato and feta to freeze sauce abd i can sense the dishes already

Overall today was mid. Again. And one of my coworkers i thought was nice put his two weeks in but i figured hed prolly get fired soon cause hes taken off more than hes worked so hes def out of PTO and u only get two absences/occurances in ur 90 day/orange vest (im at 1 out of 2 en and im scared idk how he does it) and his brother bit the snot out of his arm and left a huge bite wound while on meth and he lost custody (tbf his apartment is getting demolished due to rain damage... but from what he said he shouldve gotten it instead but im a bystabder in all of this. I hope the kid has a nice life she doesnt deserve to be between the drama her parents have)

I think is freakeng weed time bc im sooo emotions still. And i have an edible for edible + park tome so im Considering tomorrow taking it and going to the park around 5 am for a Magical Time with the sunrise

[clearskiesandcurlyfries]

Hi everyone, I posted this in a support group to try and get some advice, posting here to see if anyone can shed some light as I'm at my wits end with this, tomorrow will be 7 weeks of being ill, the support group just advised to go to a&e but they won't treat me as I'm already being treated by the GP and he's off today or I would've got an appointment with him today

I'm sorry in advance for the way I've described things (kinda gross) also sorry for the long post

Started with me having diarrhea and the first day I went to the doctor I had been to the toilet 9 times that day, my stool was very small, watery and yellowish in colour, the GP gave me laxatives and said I was constipated (which for me is something that very rarely happened) he put it down to IBS and when I asked to be referred to the bowel clinic at the hospital he said "you don't qualify as it's not like you have cancer" so I took the laxative drinks for about a week and was back at him with more symptoms and everything was getting worse, I started having really bad abdominal pain, I was drowsy, constantly going to the toilet for a bowel movement, he sent me for some non fasted blood tests and stool samples, bloods came back with a bit of inflammation showing (somewhere I'm not sure specifically) and after giving two stool samples he requested a third as I had an equivocal c-diff result in one, so I did the next one and handed it in, now normal apparently at this point, I was still getting worse with the pain and my bowel movements were getting less often but each one was a different consistency and colour with blood clots in and mucus, I went back again to which he said he'd refer me to the hospital and "they might want to do the camera" (very vague on specifics from him) and he prescribed me mebeverine, I also had to have my iron and folate bloods checked as well as being sent home a FIT test which is a cancer screening that is sent to a different hospital (I don't have the results of that back yet) I have now started to lose weight, I lost 7 lbs in one week, put back on 3lbs and lost them again within 2 days, I'm still in agonising pain, my stools are still changing, and it seems like I can no longer digest food as I'm having big chunks of it in my stool (chicken, potato skins, even a chip! As well as the usual corn and carrots) I'm still losing weight and I have still not been told what is wrong with me, I'm having some bowel incontinence (just tiny bits at a time) and I'm worried that something is seriously wrong and the doctor is not really bothered, I have had the faecal calprotectin test done and he didn't tell me what number it's at just that it's "high but not too high" 🤔 I honestly don't know what to do at this point, I can't switch to a different GP because they don't like that at our practice and they shout at me, I can't go to a&e (although ive had a hospital bag packed for the past week) because they'll send me home and say they cant treat me while the GP is treating me.

Does anyone have any advice or went through anything similar to this and know what could be the issue?

[tinylittlebab]

i was only supposed to work for 3 hours today but the person scheduled directly after me called out so i covered it and worked an extra 4 hours. makes the uber more worth the cost.

in really happy with today. i exercised a lot less than i expected to cause i got home at 7:30 instead of 3:30 but i also was working that entire time. wish i wouldve gotten a break instead of working for 7 hours straight but oh well. and i didnt end up even taking my shift drink cause calories. i allow myself 1 apple juice throughout each shift. 120 calories is kind of a lot but its far less than a different drink would be. i wish i could do coffee but heart palpitations aint it when u gotta work and they also make exercising awful. ive been having chest pain recently anyway so im not risking having coffee. why does hot chocolate have to have so many calories :(

im glad im not working 7 1/2 hours tomorrow anymore. i was supposed to but because i closed tonight my manager offered me to come in 1 1/2 hours later. i guess i did end up working nearly 7 1/2 today with no breaks cause we got done closing later than expected. i hope i burned a lot of calories. its not a crazy active job but its active enough. and i didnt sit down once the whole shift until the very end to count a drawer. i also barely stood still. ugh my legs hurt soooo bad now. and i gotta go back in just 7 hours. i havent even slept yet

i had less than 1000 today which sounds kinda high but im starting with high res. im trying so hard to not hate myself for it but i feel worthless and pathetic. 980 calories is so so much. i only burned 100 from extra exercise. i obviously burned some from work tok ofc but i have no idea how much. regardless my deficit migjt not even be 1000. thats scary to me :(

well. i can start slow. its going to be ok. ill lose the weight. im supposed to be working more hours soon though so restricting will be harder. i simply cannot deal with hunger headaches and very painful stomach pangs while im actively working. ugh. just thinking about how painful it used to feel. bit yet i miss it. a lot of me cant wait to feel my stomach eat itself and my head hurt really bad and shivering all the time

i wish i could be happy about the dizziness but it literally never went away cause i have pots. but it gets a lot worse when im not eating

[pilgrimguyanne]

Day 6: Astorga to Foncebadon- 27 km

Today we walked 27 km. Well really 28, if you count the extra 1 from the accommodation to the start point. And I say we but really I because mostly I was alone. But at the halfway point I had lunch with my friend and some Camino cats (there are so many cats along the route they should rename it the Catino... I'll see myself out) and that gave me the energy and motivation I needed for the second half.

That and Machel, my constant companion.

I say I walked 28 km but in strict pilgrim terms, I cheated. I didn't carry my huge backpack, but instead paid to have it carried from Astorga to Foncebadon. Real pilgrims don't do this. Real pilgrims carry their load all the way to Santiago.

But why? Walking without my bag was a lot more pleasant. I was faster and my feet hurt less, even after the longer walk. Part of it, I think, is the glorification of the difficult. A bit like how some jobs glorify working long hours(looking at you academia), or some people glorify being busy. Pilgrims glorify pain. No Camino sin dolor, you read on tee shirts. No. Camino without pain. It's very... Catholic.

One of the first things I learned about when I moved to a British university was a SORA- a schedule of reasonable adjustments- small changes that can be made for a student in order for them to be able to complete their studies to the best of their abilities. It's designed to support students with disabilities or illnesses. They might have extensions or get things in bigger print or have longer time for exams.

That's how the luggage service felt for me today. Like a little bit of extra support, allowing me to achieve a goal I had set. Maybe I could have walked the 27 km without it, but it would have been more taxing and less enjoyable. And maybe, during the last 6 km, where the path of stony and the incline sharp, I would have thrown in the towel. I would have said, that's it, no Santiago for me.

So I'm glad the UK taught me about SORAs, and that I've made one for myself, which I will use tomorrow.

Till next time,

Walk good.

[juvenalesque]

TRIGGER WARNING; CONTENT WARNING; unalive conversation.

There's an elephant in the room in the neurodivergent AND neurotypical communities to the point where many think everyone has one in their room. It is a feeling that we fear feeling, and we dare not say it exists aloud. We hold it in so tightly that we don't tell our counselors. For many, it is a reason to avoid counseling all together. The elephant's name is called "passive suicidal ideation," medically, and commonly called just "living the dream," because saying "I don't want to or care if I wake up tomorrow" isn't socially acceptable. 

It's "I can't think about that." It's "I accept that I don't care if I weren't alive, but I will also not do anything to make that happen." 

It's taboo. You can't tell anyone. You are afraid someone will tell. Even those of us on medications that make it easier to exist are afraid to tell. It's not allowed. You are very sick if you feel hopeless. Current life will just have to be bearable alone, we think. We just have to live with this heavy cloud, alone. We don't do anything to cause our lives to end, even if we don't really take very good care of ourselves. We just have apathy or displeasure, times of depression and times that lack joy. We call accepting it "staring into the void," because admitting we aren't afraid of death would scare some people. We don't care if we stop living, though. We can't tell anyone. We don't want to cause pain for people we care about. We aren't planning on death. We just don't care. Why does society make the only options to endure in silence or be, essentially, punished for feeling helpless? We should be allowed to feel every emotion, including the ones that hurt us. Is it really so wrong to admit that we aren't satisfied with our lives the way they are?

Maybe feeling deeply unsatisfied or hopeless about life is just something that is a side effect of our living conditions and the future of society we see coming. Maybe that hopelessness isn't rooted in mental illness for everyone. For some, Maybe it's something that if talked about, might be a reason to have hope after all. If we all were open about being unsatisfied with our living conditions, we might actually be able to change some of them together that we can't change alone, maybe even with very little effort. Who knows? Not us. We can't tell anyone. 

Isn't it more likely that even among the mentally ill, better living conditions would reduce feelings of displeasure and apathy? If struggle wasn't a constant state of being that everyone battles? That society is the issue sometimes, not always the individual? Why can't anyone say they don't mind death out loud? It's different from saying we will cause it deliberately, isn't it?

If you ask for help from a mental health professional, the solution is known to many as "A grippy-sock vacation." It is taking away your autonomy and forcing hospitalization, until you can convince a doctor you feel better: a place where they give you a hospital gown and non-slip socks, taking away all your possessions & contact to the outside world. A lot of people have been forced through that experience. It is incredibly taxing and costly. So, we are too scared to tell anybody. If we want help for our other issues, we cannot admit this feeling out loud. You can't fix a hole in the boat if nobody will admit it's there. Maybe we could find other ways to make each other a little less apathetic, life just a bit less stressful. Some small changes could make such big differences. Maybe he needs an extra hug and she just needs an extra $50. Maybe they just want a friend and xie just wants a few days to relax. Maybe he feels hopeless because he needs to spend more than 40 hours of his life in a place he hates so he has a roof over his head, transportation, & food. Everybody might need different help but when do we consider that help might not always be medical? Maybe they have a mental illness. Maybe they have a neurotype that the world isn't easily accessible for. Maybe it's medical, sure, but what about when it isn't? Shouldn't the conversation be allowed without the threat of losing autonomy? 

It's the elephant in the room.

Why don't we start talking about it? 

[sierraslay]

A letter to anyone who struggled this year:

The holidays are an interesting time. The end of the year is a time when a lot of reflection occurs. For someone like you & me, that can be incredibly difficult. Reflecting on the good days, the mental and emotional pain, unmet goals, and expectations. Sometimes reflecting on a hard year is more painful than the hard days themselves.

The good news is you’re going to be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday. Someday you’re going to wake up and you’re going to feel a little bit better. And the next day a little bit better than that. And the cycle will continue.

Sometimes the most productive thing we do is get dressed. Sometimes we make it to the shower. The days you don’t do those things are not unproductive. If the only thing you did today is staying alive, you’re doing great. If today all you did was survive, you’re still valid. You’re still a productive member of society.

During the pandemic, I hit rock bottom. Lower than rock bottom. The basement of rock bottom. I found the foundation rock bottom was built on. But it didn’t look like losing everything. It didn’t look like being alone. It looked like having a great job, a supportive family, and close friends. And mentally I was low. Lower than low. Rock bottom. I was depressed and anxious - I felt broken. Every day I was fighting to stay alive, and no one knew. No one suspected anything. Most people still don’t know that I was feeling that way. They knew I was unhappy, generally not in a good mood, chronically grumpy, if you will. But they didn’t know I was struggling to find a reason to live.

Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter how much money you make, how awesome your family is, or how many friends you have. Depression doesn’t discriminate against a “good life” (definition up to the reader), depression is depression. Depression is a mental illness. It can be hereditary, it can be a symptom, it can be triggered. The bottom line is your experience with depression is valid. Wherever in your life, it stems from, your experience is valid.

You are valid in your experience. Your diagnosis is valid. You are valid.

You matter. You mattered yesterday. You matter today. You matter tomorrow. You matter every day.

Keep reading that. Until you believe it.

The best decision I ever made was asking for help. Making the first call to a therapist asking for help. Crying while doing it, but never the less, I asked for help. Therapy has changed my life. It didn’t just give me someone to talk to once a week. It continues to give me the tools needed to process everyday life. It has given me the tools to deal with situations I never thought I would be able to handle with a level head. It has made life a little bit easier to process. A little bit easier to live.

Go to therapy. Everyone. All of you. You need it. I promise.

A note for anyone talking to or comforting someone who is struggling:

Please stop saying “you don't want to make anyone feel the way you did when ‘so-and-so’ passed, do you?” It doesn’t help. You’re essentially guilt-tripping someone who is struggling to stay alive. Instead say, “I am sorry you’re feeling that way. Whatever your brain is telling you is not true. You are loved and you are not alone.” Or a simple “I love you. Whether you believe it or not, I love you and I want you here.”

My intention with this letter is to share my experiences in a way that makes you feel like you’re not alone. Like you’re seen and heard and valid. My experiences are not that of the collective depressed community, but my voice is here to be heard and to make sure you’re validated in whatever struggles you’re currently dealing with, previously dealt with, and will deal with in the future.