#so if you feel the need to rebut me just know that i dont care and im here for a laugh now

[mouserdiscourse]

"endogenic systems are a target of ableism"

"thats not ableism bc you claim not to have a disorder"

"ok we'll call it pluralphobia then"

"ummm, why the FUCK are you using that word? that thing is Clearly ableism"

i love you people. never change

[madricat]

I wish I would have seen you in the bakery…

summary: Carlos has had a crush on y/n for a while and hopes to see them throughout his days, but will he?

authors note: reuploading since last one got deleted. dont worry nothing bad has happened to y/n btw

Carlos pov:

Ay, I cant believe mama dragged me into going to the bakery with her this time. Something about “going out” and “see people”, whatever that means. Honestly, why would I? There is no one here that I care about except for y/n.

“You know Carlos, you really need to get out into town more. Without causing mischief” she added.

“I’m perfectly fine without doing so”

“Ay Carlos”

With that we enter the bakery. The smell of fresh pan entered my nose. I smell pretty good actually, I may just come next time. As long as I get to smell this heaven while ma’ deals with the people part of coming here. 

*ding*

I hear the front bell ring but could honestly care less. Wait, are they cutting the line? Of hell no. who in the world would have the nerve- y/n?

“Hello Mx. l/n! Here is your order”

“Thank you” they said. Something's off. Wait…they didn’t smile for once. That’s weird, they usually always smile at others. Anddd they’re gone. 

“Carlos!” she snapped in my face. “Come on, it’s time to go!”

Did I really zone out? Damn it.

We started walking back to Casita, which was our last stop. Why can't I stop thinking of them? I wish you would've smiled in the bakery. Or sat on a tatty settee at least. All they did was just pick up their order and leave!

It’s been a week since then and now I'm At some mutual friend's gathering.  Technically it is one of mine and Milo's childhood friend, but i’m not as good a friend with him as Camilo. Almost everyone around our age is here. Can’t believe I got dragged here. The only reason I agreed to come is to see them. 

Camilo is busy talking to others, maybe now is my chance to slip away to look. Maybe they are-nope. Where could they possibly be? I thought he told me they would be here. And the more I keep on looking, the more it's hard to take the thought that maybe they didn’t show up. Maybe Love, we're in stalemate. Perhaps To never meet is surely where we're bound to be forever. I mean, There's one in every town. They are Just there to grind you down. Make you feel like love is hopeless and everything. Why us tho?

“Carlos!!! Ven aquí!!” papi yells out to me from downstairs. 

Now I have to get out of my room, stop what I was doing and see what he wants.

“que pasa?”

“You're coming to the post office with me. Now come on” 

“Did mama tell you to do this?”

“Haha, no. I thought we could go out together, that’s all”

“Okay then…”

We started walking there. He started talking a lot. Telling me a bunch of things. Wait. he never told me why we are going?

“Why do we need to go in the first place?” I interrupted him.

“ oh! Your abuela had some letters she needed to be posted out to someone. She was busy today, and you know how she is. She isn’t exactly young. To far for her”

“I see”

“Speaking of the post office, we made it. I have to go and wait in line to hand this in. You can either stay with me, or go look around”

“I think i’ll just go look around”

I start walking away, maybe I can go look at those postcards over there. I’ve heard they are really beautiful.  

I started looking at the cards. They weren’t that bad I thought to myself, whoever did them clearly had a talent. That’s when I heard the front door bell ring, but I paid no attention to it though.

“Well well well, if it isn’t the Madrigal himself” I heard an all to stupid voice from behind me.

“ No sabía que dejaban entrar animales aquí” I quickly rebutted

“¿Tú eres el que habla?” 

“ Listen here you little-” all the sudden I was cut off with my name being called.

I saw mi papa start walking over to me and quickly grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of there. He didn’t say anything to me, because technically I hadn’t done anything wrong yet. Instead, we just kept walking to our next stops. But man I wish I would've seen you in the post office. Well maybe I did and I missed it. Afterall, too busy with the mind on clever lines. Great! Alone with my thoughts again, the most wonderful thing.

Well today is Sunday now. Time for Luisa’s weekly rounder's pitch game. Usually I get to sleep in and stay home, but I had other plans. Today was the day of the big match in the town, surely they had to be here?

Throughout  the whole game I couldn’t keep my eyes from wandering round and round in search for that familiar face. But nothing. I guess I was so out of it that I missed Luisa’s team won.

“ Let us go to la señora’s new canteen place to celebrate this wonderful victory.” abuela announced to the family. 

Everyone was excited, we’ve heard good things about there, but never had the chance to go.

…

Everyone was eating, faces lighting up with joy (although I believe it was cause they were so hungry). But once again, I kept searching the window in hopes to see a glance of them.

…

It had been a few days since then. I had nothing to do, so I layed in my bed, faced the ceiling, and thought to myself. My mind was blank for a while, until I started realizing all the places I hadn’t seen them. Why not the rounder's pitch or the canteen this weekend? Surely they’re always out on the weekend. You're slacking love, where have you been? I haven't seen you for a while after all. Maybe I Just had to go and wait until tonight. Camilo had invited a bunch of kids to go to the arcade. Luckily it was a friday night so they sure had to be there, AND it was half price day! How could they say no?

Me and Milo arrived a bit late, something about “making his hair look presentable” whatever that means. But then again, it did look like a bird’s nest this morning. 

Everyone kinda split a bit off and went to go and play games with each other. I played a few skill games, but I kept losing right at the end. I swear it’s rigged!!

“Hey Carlos! Wanna go grab some lemonade with me?” Camilo came up to me, after I just lost another game.

“Why? To scared to go alone”

“NO!!! If anything, you looked like the lonely one!!”

“I do better working alone thank you” rolling my eyes at him.

“Just come on” he said as he started walking off, leaving me no choice but to drag myself behind him.

“Two lemonade señor” he said while leaning against the counter.

“Coming right up” the dude said as turned around and poured some into the cups.

“Soooo how’s it been so far?” ‘milo pipped up.

“Not the worst,” I hesitantly replied.

“ Is something wrong? If there is I can fix it and-” 

“Camilo!” I interrupted him. “Nothings wrong, okay? Just getting tired of losing, that’s all”

“Are you sureee? Oh!” his face lighting up with joy “is it a certain someone then?” he said with the widest ass grin on his face.

“Cálmate!”

“Geez okay” he said while throwing his hands up in the air. “ I'll let you be! Clearly someone gets a bit touch after loosing”

That’s it! I’ve never wanted to punch his stupid face more until now-

“Well I challenged armando to a game of hoops, you can watch if you want” he stated while picking up his lemonade in one hand and using the other to point backwards. 

I just stood there. Watching the other. I wish I would've seen you down in the arcade. Maybe sipping on a lemonade In the paper cup they served it in, and chewing on the straw. A habit I noticed they had.

But once again, the world was unfair to him…

New day, new task. Today I was given the simple task of going to the bakery for some sweets. I only agreed though because I was told if I did I would get to choose whatever I want (obvi not something huge). And I wish I'd seen you in the bakery this time. 

But if I'd seen you in the bakery by chance, knowing my luck You probably wouldn't have seen me…

[littleblondesoprano]

I feel like you may be a good person to ask.

this is the situation: your partner tells you when they realize they are getting feeling for there best friend and tells the best friend about their feelings for them at the same time. then asks you both for a poly relationship with both of you and you both say that isnt what you want. then you as there partner to try and make thibgs work and heal because you love them so much, and their best friend tries and stay platonic friends dispite there feelings for your bf to stay in your bf life. and at first you are happy for your bf cause you didnt want them to lose someone they care about but now you are insecure about thier friendship with there best friend knowing they both have feelings for eachother. and you feel like you are healing and grievibg the relationahip you had before and havibg trouble believibg them and you dont want to tell them because you dont want them to leave. Any advice?

Thank you for trusting me enough to ask, first of all! I will answer this with the huge caveat that I am a person on the internet, and to always follow your own intuition/gut feeling on what to do! Especially if it differs from what I suggest.

So, okay, that's wonderful that your partner told you about their feelings for their friend, that's a powerful line of communication that we want to keep open.

But, let's look a little deeper. Have there been any tangible times in your relationship where they have rebutted your feelings, or been frustrated with you sharing how you felt? Not just annoyed, or caught off guard, but frustrated? Have there been documented times where they have tried to cheat on you with someone else? Are you feeling loved, heard, and cared for in this relationship in general? Not just loving them - is the love truly reciprocated back to you?

Now, we're gonna take all of those answers, and apply them. What I'm trying to do here, is to have you reflect on why you're having trouble believing your partner. If they haven't done anything, if you feel great beyond this blip, if this is the first time you've felt insecure and anxious - or the first time tangibly - we can be (fairly) certain your anxiety and insecurity are partnering up to cook up some fears.

Now, even if there has been proof positive of them not caring, not listening, or (I hope not) cheating, the odds of the worst case scenario are low. However, the balm to the wound is the same for both: communication.

To help assuage fears and suspicions, a very frank, very open and sensitive conversation is needed, I believe. If you need to, write down a list of what you want to address and take it with you - all your fears and worries - take them too! But just remember: your partner is probably going to be just as nervous as you, be sensitive, and do not accuse them of anything if there is no proof of it. (Also! Have this conversation when you both have the emotional time and space for it!)

I know you mentioned that you and the best friend (?) also don't want to enter into a polyamorous relationship and that's totally valid! I am not the most learned of people on polyamory - far from it - but I've seen it done before where, in this case, your partner is poly, but you and the best friend are not, and you just kinda...share? I'll look for the name of it, because there is a name for it, where you are not in a relationship with the best friend at all. But if this is totally off the table for you, don't worry about anything I've said in this paragraph! :D

But overall, I think this is a situation that needs to be handled gently, and with some reflection before any action should be taken. And when you're ready, I think having that sensitive, honest, and open conversation of feelings, and next steps is needed - or even a series of smaller conversations! Or an ever-growing dialogue about it! Whichever works for y'all.

Remember to give yourself space, as well as them, for their own feelings and thoughts on the matter. Take as much time as you need, both to process your own emotions and what is said; but remember that this is you and your partner together trying to figure out the problem and solve it, not you vs them vs their friend. Y'all are a team, and you got this! :D

[ambivalent-anarchy]

Defending Peter Parker (Round 1: Andrew Garfield)

Here <- Read this one too if you want (you don't need it to understand this one... but still.. give me the attention🥴)

Soooooo I'm doing this cuz I'm bored to show y'all how dumb some of your arguments and criticisms of the live action spidermen are. I'm doing Holland next. I'll do Maguire if someone shows me where people have hated on his spidey cuz all I ever see for him is people treating him like he's the most perfect Peter Parker to ever exist. I'd never tell anyone how they're "supposed" to feel about a situation so I won't do that and also don't take this seriously I'm just a dumb teenager. I'm just taking the dumb opinions y'all like to pass as fact and rebutting them with actual facts.

Here <- link for Tom (coming later)

"hE's ToO cOoL"

This just tells me you don't really read the comics. Or if you do, you only read for one type of Peter Parker. People forget that his character is FLUID.

The completely BS idea that Peter Parker is this insanely socially inept uwu guy is just really false and I don't know where it came from. (Oof welp, actually I do. It came from all the people that think that there can only be one type on top) The hate for Andrew's Peter is so unwarranted. There are so many versions in comics and in shows where Peter's not overly awkward and he's actually pretty confident and does good with making friends. People really just took Tobey Maguire's and said that his was the only version that could possibly be right so apparently that made Andrew's wrong? Like no. Tobey's is not law. He was one of many versions and just because Andrew's was cooler, it did not make his wrong. Check out the spiderman cartoons. Literally any spiderman comic. Peter's got swagger when the story calls for it.

"cRiNgEy AcTiNg"

This is the only point where I'll use my opinions. If you can, with a straight face, say that the acting in TASM was cringey, but the Tobey Maguire movies are your favorites, you're either a pathological liar or you have absolutely no sense. The Tobey Maguire spider-man movies, while still being good, have literally the cringiest acting I've ever seen. They literally have a whole montage of the dude strutting down the street like an idiot to show that he's being "bad" like??? But your problem is Andrew Garfield's quirks? Um, next caller!

"sKaTeBoArDiNg & pHoToGrApHy"

(Yes. I've heard this idiotic one before)

Again. Read a comic book. Tobey Maguire's is not law. (Also, Tobey's spidey had photography too sooooooo? I am confusion?? Why do ppl even have a problem with what hobbies he does or doesn't have? That has nothing to do with the character)

"nO-oNe CaReS aBoUt HiS pArEnTs' StOrY"

...hehe fair 👀, keep going.

"i DoNt LiKe GwEn"

Okay, I'm all for Gwen Stacy slander here, just not TASM Gwen Stacy slander. The chemistry was there and she was MUCH better than little miss Mary "you didn't see my play, peter" Jane. (I wont put her over Zendaya tho) She was a really good love interest and honestly their chemistry was one of the best parts of the movie. Gwen never tried to hold Peter back and she always helped out as much as she could.

"gOoD sPidErMaN, bAd PeTeR"

This ties right back into the first one. Everyone had a view of what Peter Parker was "supposed" to be after Tobey Maguire's, so when Andrew's came out and he wasn't "nerdy enough" for people, they immediately assumed it was wrong and hated on him for being cool and funny.

All in all I give Andrew Garfield's Peter an 8/10. He's super cool and I despise it when people hate on his character and his acting as if he didn't BLESS them by gracing their screens.

Comment anything I might've missed!

Tagging great ppl: @allegra-writes , @yumings, @spideyyeet , @sunkissedspidey, @tommyunderoos, @chaoticpete , @sovereignparker , @thesherlockianavenger , @bubblebucky, @eridanuswave , @ithoughtthiswastwitterbutfr , @kidney9-9 , @gwenvrse , @the-weird-bisexual , @kelieah

[shooting-starry]

Trust me. Love me. Shoot me.

Atsumu Miya x female reader

Summary: Atsumu finds himself with a young woman who is more that what she seems.

A/n: I honestly don’t know how to write fight scenes but I tried my best! Please support me by giving my any suggestions on fight scenes cuz I low key suck :O( any who, please dont repost, but feel free to reblog or like!

Y/n= your name

L/n= Your last name

Warning: misgendering, blood, weapons, death, dead bodies. Honestly, if gore is a no-no for you, then DO NOT READ THIS!!!!

Masterlist

Previous//Next

For the next few days, Atsumu drifted in and out of consciousness. Each waking moment was met with someone new in his room. There was the mystery man, Akaashi, who was reading a book, a large dude with bi-coloured hair doing pushups on the ground, a small girl with long blonde hair with dark roots playing on a Nintendo switch, and a rooster head who was sitting in the corner writing something in his notebook. Of course there was L/n. Atsumu was nervous about her. He wasn’t sure if he heard you properly two nights ago, or maybe 3 nights. Astumu wasn’t sure, but he was still cautious. When he wasn’t awake, he would dream of his brother and his comrades and acquaintances. He was not sure how his gang, Inarizaki, could have lost. He was on their side and was in good shape. The lose could not possibly be his fault. He was in great shape and fought extremely well. It had to be their fault. But of course, if they were hurt then he would have to blame himself. For what even he did to end up in L/n Y/n’s home. What ever her plan was, he didn’t understand nor want to know. He just wanted to get out as soon as possible. Because wherever he was, everyone around him was in danger.

This time, he woke up feeling entirely lucid. The room was empty, excluding the pair of crutches resting on the bedside table. He pulled his pant-less self off of the bed and grabbed the crutches. He placed one crutch under each arm and balanced himself on his unharmed foot. He moved to the mirror and observed his damaged body. He was wearing a pair of boxers and bandages covering his thigh. The large bandages that were wrapped around his chest, were now gone, exposing most of his tattoos. His face looking better, the stiches were taken out of his face, leaving a long scar down his face. His swollen lip and black eye had healed tremendously as well. His arms were still covered in bandages, but showed more of his tattoos. His blond hair was still messy, but it looked cleaner and more organized.

Atsumu opened the door and headed down the hallway which lead to the stairs. He hobbled down the hallway and stairs into a sitting room to see the mystery man, rooster head, the bi-coloured hair man, who looked scarily like an owl, the girl, and L/n. The five people were sitting in the dark sitting room, which was illuminated by a few candles, all except the girl with mugs in hand. As he entered the room, all five pairs of eyes, save for the girl, who was very invested in his Nintendo switch, focused on him. He once agin felt like a poop-flinging monkey in his enclosure.

The silence in the room was deafening. The silence was broken by the owl man who got up and ran towards him. He swung and arm around his shoulder and proceeded to carry Atsumu to the couch. Owl dude was a large man. He had exceptionally broad shoulders and biceps as large as his face. He was wearing a black muscle shirt with nike workout shorts. But damn, who knew an owl could be so buff.

As Atsumu was placed down gently on the couch (Atsumu swear he felt like a princess), the rooster head started to talk to him.

“So you are yakuza, right, Atsumu?” Asked the rooster head. “How did a yakuza like you end up in our little Y/n’s care”. Atsumu swore he was being provoked, two could play that game.

“Well it was an ambush, Rooster head-kun.” Atsumu rebutted. The air wasn’t tense, but felt playful. As Rooster head-kun was hyena laughing at his response, Owl-man was fidgeting in his seat and repeatedly taping Akaashi on the shoulder, like at a game show, Akaashi, showed little interest to the Owl and just told him to calm down.

“I still don’t get why you are even here.” Said a n unknown, tenor voice. Atsumu turned around to look at the source. He was staring at the “girl” who was definitely not a girl. He had his long blond hair pulled half back. His hands stuffed in his hoodie pockets, along with his switch. There was not much which was notable about this character. He was about 170cm with brown eyes.

“He is here because he was hurt on the sidewalk, Kenma.” L/n interjects, “so be nice. He will be here until he is better”. That statement seemed really contradictory to what you said the last night about “taking care of it”.

“Wait who are these people L/n?” Atsumu asked, scanning the room.  He noticed the tall fire place in the room, along with the floor-to-ceiling windows which showed a yard. The room was elegant, yet modern. Shit. How much was this place?

“Well this is Bokuto, Akaashi, Kenma, and Kuroo. And please just call me Y/n. Only Akaashi calls me L/n ‘cause he is too formal.” Y/n laughs. The group seem very cozy in the large sitting room. “We are partners and room mates. Kuroo is technically a lawyer, Bokuto is a personal trainer and body builder, Akaashi is an author and editor, and Kenma is, well a lot of things”.

“Well thank ya all the help, but I have’ta go. I don’t wanna stay here.” Atsumu replied. “A don’t think I should stay so bye”.  He said as he attempted to stand up. The owl head, Bokuto, grabbed the crutches before Atsumu could grab them.

“Sorry Tsum-Tsum, we can’t let you go until you are fully healed. Y/n even said so.” Bokuto said, holding one crutch in each hand.

“No! I have to go! Now please give me the damn crutches so I can leave.” He refuted. Atsumu felt a feeling of dread take over his body. The knew that they were coming. He was not sure who, but he felt that they were being watched thought the tall glass windows.

“Miya-san, you need to stay here until you are fully healed. So please don’t fight us.” Akaashi said.  Atsumu knew he had to leave now. There was no way he would let these nice people get hurt, even the cold Akaashi, who really dislikes him.

“I am sorry, but I need to—” Atsumu started, only to be interrupted by the smashing of the tall glass windows and doors being kicked in. Atsumu froze, waiting for the intruders next move. He was virtually defenceless in his current state, but he could at least help the other people escape. The intruders flooded in with revolvers and knives from all angles. There were no escape routes, and he could not see their faces. He turned around to expect 5 frightened faces, but instead he was met with an exited Bokuto, a smirking Kuroo, an ever-stoic Akaashi, a scheming Kenma, and a determined Y/n, still sitting around the coffee table. In a blink of an eye, weapons are pulled from under the coffee table, under couch cushions, and behind pillows. Guns, knifes, tasers, swords and a frying pan were pulled out from obscure places.

As the group behind Atsumu stood up, weapons were in hand as fighting ensued. Bokuto had A large frying pan (why, Atsumu could figure out) and was using it as a shield from in coming knifes, and a weapon for hitting people upside the head. Akaashi and Kenma were gracefully dodging and stabbing people with black knifes (maybe it was an Eckhorn, Atsumu wasn’t sure). Kuroo was tazing the masked men left and right. As for Y/n, she had disappeared somewhere in the span of a few seconds.

As much as Atsumu was enjoying the fighting, he was stuck in the middle, utterly defenceless. Blood was everywhere as bodies hit the floor. One after another. The intruders were killed and left on the ground to be kicked on stepped on. He was so intrigued in the fight around him, that he did not notice the tall man stalking towards him. Right as Atsumu noticed, a gun was placed on his head as he heard threats of death if he called for help or moved. Paralyzed, he froze, his thoughts raced, and his heart was beating one thousand times a minute. Then suddenly Y/n appeared from the shadows and sliced the man with a tomahawk. Blood spattered along her dark cardigan and onto his back. She swung again and again until his body fell to the floor in a bloody mess. The masked men were almost completely all dead. The boys were mostly unscathed, except for a scrap on Kuroo’s forehead, but covered in blood. Atsumu was still in shock over the fighting skills of a doctor, lawyer, writer, body builder and whatever Kenma did.

“Wait what just happened?” he asked in shock.

“Well our safe house was found and we were attacked by masked-” started Bokuto, only to be cut off by Kenma.

“We saved your life and killed some people.” He interjected. The other 5 were stripping off all their bloodied clothes.

“No, who are you really, and how did you act so quickly?” Atsumu clarified.

“Well, Kuroo and Kenma are from the Nekoma Yakuza, and Akaashi and Bokuto are from the Fukorodani Yakuza.” Y/n replies, now stripped down to a simple black sports bra and black cargo pants.

“And I am a freelance assassin.”

Taglist: Open

@kayleighbeccaa

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Life After Snowpiercer: Tell Me, Please?

Summary- Curtis Everett x Y/N. Tensions are still there between you two, but Curtis demands an answer. Your group collects the last bit of supplies and makes it towards the front, only to be confronted at the end. Trauma, Some Violence. Word Count- 4.9k

Chapter 7 / Masterlist

Curtis watched you sleep, in sleep you relaxed yourself from whatever plagued you, during the night having pulled in half sprawled across his very sore ribs, and laid your head in the center. The rise and fall of your shoulders so slight that he would have to really be studying them to see that yes, you were still asleep. You faced away from him, but you sighed softly and shifted yourself, tilting yourself closer, his eyes able to rove over the curve of your nose, and how your lips have chapped slightly. The dark bruises under your eye, at first it would see to have been tiredness, but much to the anger he was feeling coil in his gut, someone must have hit you hard at some point the past few days. His eyes continued to rove, noticing other scrapes, and bruises along your scalp line.  Would you tell him though? Further he noticed that there was a cut in the corner of your mouth and without a thought, his fingers brushed along the mark, hissing to himself when your eyes shot open, unfocused and a touch of fear clouding them. In all the years you two have known each other, you never looked at him like that, and it phased him more then you could know. 

You were fallen in one of those dreamless deep sleeps, the kind where your cocooned in darkness and nothing is drawing you forward into images. Blackness, soothing blackness. There was no visual moments where you had to think and rationalize. It was peaceful. Things merely ceased to exist. 

A touch brought you back, so light but the sting it left near your lips brought it back and you tensed, ready to yank away when your eyes opened, prepared for the worst, that sneering grin reaching for you in your safe place, ready to drag you out and put vile pain all over your body. No, we escaped, we got out.

Curtis face sharpened second later in your view, and you softened, loosening your grasp in his jacket where you had fisted your hands to keep from being pulled away. See Y/N, your safe. This is home. Curtis hand slid from your mouth to brush aside the soft hairs curling over your cheek, and you dragged in a deep breath, and released it, feeling your chest expand and his steady heart beating underneath your cheek kept you grounded. “Bad dream?” Curtis asked after a few seconds of the two of you just staying silent. You quirk the corner of your mouth a bit “Nothing serious Curtis.” Your hand smoothed over his chest and you realzined where you were laying. “Shit sorry baby, your ribs.” Going to move his hand clasped on the back of your neck to keep you from moving. 

“Dont, they are fine. Tell me about what you were dreaming about?” Hoping she would relax enough just the two of them to talk about what you were thinking about. His grasp turned lighter now that you werent moving, sliding his thumb over the column, and you slightly relaxed once more, biting your already chapped lips and wincing slightly at the sting. 

“Yea, I saw you favoring your side Curtis” You informed him, but you didnt move. Honestly after the past few days, you were just fucking thankful you got to do this again. “And nothing, hell I think I was so damn tired, it wasnt sleep. Somewhere just before a coma.” You rub your face lightly against his chest and sigh. “I could slip back into it right now if we didnt have to prepare to move to the front.” His thumb continued to feather along your neck, circling over the bruises of fingertips that had pressed down to hard. Faint, but Curtis saw them better now that your hair wasnt covering them. 

“What happened Y/N?” his brows coming together and lifting the heaviness of your hair back from your neck. You then pulled away and straightened your hair back over your neck. He shifted to half sit up on his elbows. “Y/N, you gotta tell me who put hands on you?-” His inquiry got interrupted when your name got called, and you took the moment to avoid Curtis questions, calling back out. “In here!” Tugging on your jacket and looking at Curtis “We will talk about it later baby, promise.” His hand moved against your arm to keep you with him, but you slipped out of his hold. Leaving him there with more questions and no answers. His lips thinned tightly and his jaw clenched, a dark suspicion inkling its way into his thoughts. 

All of those fuckers are dead. His thoughts snapped as he snatched his jacket, trying to keep from blowing over. Im going to hunt every single on of them down.   It was the last thing you needed was him loosing his temper, but that didnt stop the rage building in his chest, or the guilt. Why didnt I leave them with protection? Gone back, brought them weapons... Hearing your footsteps descend away, Curtis knew that you were heading towards the wounded. Grasping his beanie, and leaving the warmth and comfort of the momentary home, and slipped it on. Now that it was day, he could see just how far the group had been able to do. They had gone through several cars and hauled out anything decent. Catching a glimpse of you leaning down to check Saras shoulder, you also caught sight of Edgar sitting up, and a box next to him, stuffing something into his mouth. 

“Is that... crackers?” Curtis asked as Edgar held his arm out to grasp and get up. With some effort, Edgar managed to get to a stand, hauling the beat up cracker box with him. “Yea, they found a bit of this kind of stuff a few cars up. Dried goods, flour, sugar, cans.” He held out the box for Curtis to reach his hand into and withdrew a few crackers that he took a bite of. It was stale as fuck, salty, and just about one of the best things he can remember ever having. 

“Yes, I remember passing through right after the water, supplies Im assuming for the rest of the train. There was a few more similar closer to thre front as well” Curtis mentioned, and Edgar nodded over to where a pile of food had been made, along with clothing and blankets. “Im sure the front survivors have already raided some of those others.” Maybe they will be okay until were able to figure out a more permanent solution. “Hows your back?” Curtis turned his attention away from the supplies, and Edgar turned, lifting his shirt enough so Curtis could see. The length of the actual stab looked to be a good three inches long, red all around. Although burned from where the ax blade had laid across it, it was sealed. You came on over just then and ducked around Curtis, getting in for a closer look. 

“Thank God they got it sealed” You breathed out and tugged on Edgars shirt to have him put it back down, when he turned to face you, you drew in close and hugged around his neck. “You punk, I told you to be careful” Curtis cast a downward glance, regret and guilt passing and Edgar shook his head lightly Dont... You never saw the exchange pass between the two men. “Yea well, when I ever bloody listen anyways?” Edgar withdrew and smirked at you, causing you to scowl at him. 

“Well Im back now, so your gonna.” You point a finger at him, and then smooth your hand against his arm in a loving gesture. 

“Are the people able to travel? Or do they still need some recovery time?” Curtis changing the subject from Edgar, his hand rested against your waist, and it felt heavy to you, like he wasnt ready to let you go, that you were actually with him. He must have really believed he wouldnt see me again. 

“If we go slow, Im sure we can. Everyones so exhausted though, another day might not hurt anyone.” You tip your head towards Edgar and he immediately rebutes it although you ignore him. “Sara, shes bad off. Its inflamed and im worried I might not have gotten everything out. It was hard to tell...” You drifted off as Curtis took a glance at the woman you were talking about. Seeing her huddled against the wall, head tipped forward. “She says she can travel, but she will need to stop alot.”

 That confirmed it for Curtis, he shook his head. “Then we stay, one more day.” 

The rest of the time was spent sorting through supplies, packing it in a way it could be carried. Outside fires were kept stroked and burning, using debris off the train, and someone found large hollowed metal bins that with some scrubbing could work to melt snow in. The idea of being able to wash up appealed to you, and once you were sure the others waters needs were met hours later, you worked on warming up a pot for yourself. One of the cars towards the back had side rooms available for actual privacy, and you planned on taking full advantage. 

You didnt need much and using a blanket to handle the hot container, you hauled your bit of hot water through the car to the end, slipping inside. Of course Curtis noticed from where he had been helping to pack up the dried goods in blankets to easier carry them, and he turned to Edgar “Get as much packed as possible, if we have to we will come back for the rest.”  

“Yea, sure... where you going?” He asked as Curtis moved away from the group, calling over his shoulder. 

“Got someone to take care of” Edgar just shrugged and went back to what he was doing. 

You were in the process of undressing, when a soft knock happened on the door. Squeaking in alarm, you say loudly so there was no denying that whomever heard you. “Occupied!” 

“I know, Im coming in.” Curtis said as he opened the door and you withdrew from sight, looking to grab your shirt and cover yourself. 

“Curtis! Im busy” In which he just arched a brow and shut the door behind him, okay lame on your part, not much was kept hidden in the tail end and youve never been super shy before with him. Your fingers played in the shirt, looking down and away from where he stood. It was thankfully darkish in the room, you felt better being somewhat hidden, not wanting that question you know was coming. 

Just seeing you react, he knew. He could see it all over your face that you were dealing with a heavy mix of emotions, but the one he saw the most was shame, and he couldnt for the life of him understand why. How he wanted to go and wrap you in against him, take away all of those memories and protect you better, I should have... fuck why didnt I leave people behind. “Y/N, Baby, I know something happened. Please tell me. You were scared this morning, and youve been avoiding me. I-” he sighed and took a cautionary step closer, and could see the glimmer of tears streaking down your face. “- just got you back. I cant loose you again, especially like this.” His voice lowered, gruffer, you could tell he was trying to keep himself in check. 

Standing there, trying not to let him see you, how you wish you could shrink away into the wall. You tried so hard to fight back and just werent strong enough, spit it out you scolded yourself, but you stayed silent, lifting your face to look at him and dropped your shirt. Curtis took an audible gasp at the bruising that littered your body, your pale skin dark and yellowed with discernible finger and hand prints. Covering your face in your shame. “Oh god, Im sorry Curtis, I tried to stop them.” 

What?!  Oh babygirl, no....He stepped forward and wrapped his hands gently around your wrists and pulled them away. “Babygirl sshhh.... Im not mad at you.” You blinked up at him with that wide eyed stare of yours and then pushed in against him, sobbing into his chest and he lowered the two of you to the floor, careful to keep you in his lap, and rocking you softly. The pain blossomed in his chest at what you were saying, the way your whole body sobbed into his, and he let you. Nothing but the soft swaying motion, like one would do for a child, and his chin rested atop your head as it was buried in against him. There were no words he could say at this moment to make it better, you had to be able to simply cry it out until you were ready to tell him what happened. But even now, he could see the bruises down your back. When I get my hands on them, all those fuckers are going to pay. Oh it wasnt an If, Curtis was all about When. He wouldnt stop till he had his hands on there throats, squeezing the last breath from there lungs.

You finally fell silent in his arms, a occasional body rocking hiccup stirring from you, but that was all you had. His hand came up to your face and gently brushed aside the hair that had gotten stuck to your face from the tears, looking down at you with a soft expression. “sorry” you hiccup out and it seems to be the only thing you can think to say. 

“Babygirl, they are the ones who will be sorry.” he shifted you a bit so you werent so folded up, letting his hand rest against your knee and his thumb sweeping over it gently. “The fact they touched you will make them regret everything they have done in life. Im going to see to it personally.” You gulped a bit listening to him, the promise in his face, the rage simmering in his eyes, it was all there. You were just thankful it wasnt directed at you, cause even now it was scaring you. And in the same breath, it blossomed a warm raging happiness in your chest, spiraling in a way that made you shake slightly. They would hurt to, not just for what they did to you, but you were sure that others suffered a similar fate that day.

He leaned forward and dipped his fingers into the water, finding it still warm. “How about we clean you up Babygirl? and then go get you something to eat. I know you havent had anything today.” You slowly unfold yourself from around him and Curtis takes the rag, dipping it in the water and wringing it out. He holds his hand out for you to take it, but you turn instead your back to him, reaching behind you to gather your hair and lift it off your neck. You trusted him, you knew his touch would be gentle and caring along your bruises, and it was an intimacy you desired to share with him. Dipping your head when you felt the cloth brush over your shoulder, sure enough he was gentle as it went down your back and over your hip, continuing downwards, he squatted down to do the back of her thighs and calves. “Face me Y/N” he said, giving the softest brush of a kiss against a tender looking spot on your hip. You twisted to face him as he rose up to start from your shoulders and down again. 

The riddled marks on your body, now fully seeing what you had been through destroyed a sane part of Curtis, he never wanted to kill anyone more then these men, not even Wilford for all the evilness he had done. There was just a few on your back, careful as he traced over them. You must have fallen from up high, or they took a boot to you. Having you turn for him, he make his way down in a similar fashion. The worst bruises seemed to be on your hips and inside of your thighs, and to see them in such a intimate spot. It was his spot to rest his hands whenever he held you, not anyone elses, and it hurt him that you had to bare such marks. They actually made him growl softly and he was caught by surprise when you cupped his face, running your fingers through his beard. Focus Curtis... He chided himself as he continued with your legs and then swept up the inside of your calves and thighs, this time placing a soft kiss on your belly button and back up to a stand. 

This time when he offered you the rag you took it, to finish up, and you thought about what had transpired. Now Curtis had seen all of what they had done, and getting dressed again, you thought about what he had seen and his reaction. It was foolish for me to think he would be mad at me. Sometimes theres no rational reason for your reactions. He remained silent as he handed you clothing, slipping them on a piece at a time. Grasping your coat, he held it up for you and you backed into it, sliding your arms in one at a time. Before you could start to button it up, he turned you back to face him, doing the buttons himself, smiling softly. “You always have a hard time with these babygirl” 

“I know, you would think after all this time I wouldnt need  your help doing them up.” You chuckled softly at them, all different mismatched sizes, not quite placed right. You could patch a person up, but damned if you could sew decently. 

“Well, let me tell you babygirl, Im glad you still need me to do this.” He finished up the last one, and lifted his hand up to cup your face, cradling it in both hands, his thumbs brushing along the softness of your cheeks, the soft downy hairs brushing under the pad of his thumb. Your hands folded over his wrists while looking up at him. “Y/N, nothing, certainly not this changes anything between us. So whatever you think would drive me away, its not going to happen.” He wouldnt break his eyes from yours, needing you to know just how serious he was. 

“I know... I- I panicked. I felt that what happened, I should have stopped it.” You admitted, and took a deep breath, ragged from earlier, but no tears sprang forth talking about it. Curtis had been correct in you needing that release, a cleanse. Maybe now this was the beginning of coming to terms with it. Keeping his darker thoughts to himself that throbbed in his temples, as you gave a brief description of what happened, this would be a trial and error for you two, Curtis not wanting to push you in a way you werent ready, and you craving the exact same vibe you two had before. It would take time, to heal. Curtis isnt going anywhere.... 

Leading you out of the room, he carried the water, and you followed along behind, your hand fisting in the loose part of his jacket. You lighten considerably he noticed once you joined the group, immediately falling back into old habits of stopping and chatting with groups, looking over those you considered your patients, and falling right back into playing with the kids for the rest of the evening, you even made an effort to eat a can of beans that Curtis pried open for you, sharing with the kids you went to hang out with. There wasnt much difference in how you were as from before, and he gave you your freedom, sticking nearby with Edgar, first finishing there earlier project, then Curtis finished his tale of what had happened. 

“You mean Matt is actually still alive?!” Edgar remembered the boy well, back then. Looked up to him, almost like a brother. Curtis nodded. 

“Yes, and dumbass me left them tied up in the engine. Im sure they have been released now. I tried telling Y/N what hes like... hes dangerous. If he comes around her, I dont know... watch him extra close. She wouldn't forgive me if I hurt him.” A glance over to you showed you laughing while playing itsy bitsy spider with one of the smaller children, cuddling them in your lap while you twisted your fingers to go up the pole, and then sprinkle your fingers down to tickle the youngin’ on the neck. 

“Curtis, maybe it wont come to something like that, Y/N is a pretty good judge of people... Im sure she will see how twisted he is.” 

Curtis shrugged, he hoped so. But this was her brother, she loved this kid more then anyone else on the train, and he almost lost her then. If she gets her heart broken again, forcing her to give a damn might not be so easy. Making her choose between Matt and Himself, he didnt want to put her in that spot, maybe a bit of fear stabbing at the back of his unconscious, would she pick him if she was forced between them?  “We will see probably tomorrow afternoon. I want to get us out of here and back to the front, before they decide they dont need us, and have basically the majority of the supplies once more. Were not equipped enough to survive out there and eventually were going to have to move away from the train for food. Most the cars up there are still upright and can be used for shelter.” 

You looked up to see Curtis and Edgar deep in a discussion, and you untangle yourself from the kids. “Bedtime for all of us. Tomorrow were going to the front.” 

“The front?!”

“For reals this time” 

“wonder what its like?”

“I dont know” You shrug “We just gotta wait and see tomorrow, now off to bed.” You shooed them away to a nest of blankets they made for themselves, and wandered over to Curtis. “Im heading off to sleep, see you all in the morning.” You waved off to the group. Curtis gave you a few minutes to get yourself ready and then excused himself as well. 

When he got there  you were already curled under the blankets, just a soft pile of your hair showing above the blankets. He shredded out of the majority of his clothing and slipped in beside you, thinking you was already asleep, but surprising him as you flipped to her other side, starting at him in the dark. 

“I love you, thank you for coming back for me.” 

“I will always come back for you, I love you to babygirl.” Curtis declared, and you moved over closer and lifted his arm to go around you, your head resting on his shoulder, and your hand slid under his shirt and rubbed your hands across the all familiar soft hairs and broad muscles of his chest, settling over where you could feel that familiar thump of life. This was familiar, comforting, and relaxed into this. The past 36 hours was your hell, and this was your salvation. You actually fell asleep and this time you dreamed, not of what happened, but what was to come. 

The next morning proved to be busy chaos. After taking a few moments to wake up, Curtis was never one to just roll up and go unless necessary, usually proving him to be rougher around the edges, well more so then usual with the upcoming unknown going back to the front now with the tail enders. “Get up, time to get a move on.” he rumbled, the toe of his boot nudging people as he passed through the group, Edgar grumbling and flipping him off as he to got a toe to the leg and a “Get the fuck up, we dont got all day.” 

You rubbed your eyes and snorted in laughter at the grumblings you heard through the crowd, although they complied. You helped hand off sacks of food that they all packed in blankets the day before and you went to your patients, checking them over right quick. The only person you were really concerned for was Sara. If anything she looked paler then the day before. But her wound was  still firey red. Biting the inside of your cheek, you smiled, and helped her up. “Dont hesitate to ask for help, I wont be far off” You stress to her till Sara gives a nod and Johanna wraps an arm around her. “Dont worry, we got her.” 

Maybe it will all be okay. 

The group filed out, Curtis again taking up the rear, watching for any sign of the aggressors from the day before, he had skimmed over the cliff edge, and checked out the path back up, but found no signs. Maybe the fuckers are gone.... He wistfully considered, as he trudged along behind, holding a rifle over his shoulder and in his hands a heavy axe was kept close. In any hand to hand fight, he would rather have the axe on hand instead of the rifle. You made your way back through the crowd and fell in step with him, looking over your shoulder, it seemed like the train was an endless line of cars. You all must be getting close.

“Theres so many to sort through still.” Talking about the cars, Curtis grunted in agreement, glancing down at you. “Well I wouldnt bother with any holding people, all the stuff we need is in those storage ones. Im just hoping the front end had the sense to get into the livestock cars and save anything that survived.” You blinked a bit in surprise, you never actually thought there would be any kind of livestock on the train, the front end having stopped giving the boiled eggs a few years ago. 

“Like... chickens and such?”

“Chickens, pigs, some beef cows, couple of those your supposed to milk and all. Yes, had them all. Plus at least 2 cars filled with frozen butchered meat, a large green house cart. The front end didnt have our struggles, that is for damn sure.” 

Fuck when was the last time you had a roasted chicken? Steak? Your mouth literally watered at the idea of it. 

“No they certainly didnt.”

A few moments of silence between them, the occasional brush of shoulders as Curtis shortened his stride matching your, the change in it made you hide a smile, looking down. You were sure he didnt intend on you to notice and it just resolved in you what you already knew about him. He would always look out for you. Your shared silence was interrupted by a shout as the group started to bunch up and come to a halt. “Curtis Everett to the front, I know your leading this mess.”

 Curtis then picked up his pace, you following behind him closely as he weaved through the people milling into a group and coming out in the front. You were about to follow alongside him but Edgar caught the back of your coat, keeping you back slightly and thats when you saw what was before you. 

Heavily armed group of people, waiting and they parted as a man and Claude came through. The smirk on the mans face shined right into his eyes, so fucking cold, and you felt your heart sink in your stomach. It really was Matt, just as Curtis described it. 

“Well we knew you would come back Curtis.” His arms folded over his chest, as he surveyed the people behind Curtis. “And brought your little rag tag mess of people.” Matt turned his attention to those that started to line up around Curtis, assessing the threat before them. “You might as well just join us everyone, there really is no better answer. You may have the numbers, but we have the supplies, and that includes the rifles.” Matt looked up and down his line of people, smug, satisfied, he won. “So you might as well give up, well before this has to turn ugly Curtis, I mean... We are in this mess cause of you after all.” Claude hung on Matts arm, but he pulled it away and took a step forward till he was standing before Curtis, who glared down at him. “So what do you say tail ender? I clearly won.” 

“Matt!” You yanked your arm from Edgar and snapped up right in his face, inches away, anger rolling off you in steams. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Curtis arm shot out and grabbed you by the arm, pulling you back to him, not trusting Matt to not hurt you physically. You pulled on your arm, but Curtis grasp was iron and unrelenting. “You are our family, how DARE you even speak like that, after all we been through to get up here.” 

“Yea Sister” He said with such venom in his tone, your mouth snapped shut, jaw clenching in your anger and confusion. “All we been through, you had if just fine in the tail end, but not good enough, sending your man up here to wreck it all, correct?” 

That was the last line when Curtis fist connected with Matts face, his head snapping back sharply. 

Curtis could tolerate alot of things, your brother disrespecting you clearly wasnt one of them. 

Fuck it all.  

@curtisbbq​ @what-is-your-plan-today​ @jtargaryen18​ @p8tn0lish​ @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​ @official-and-unstable-satan​ @thatweirdwalangpake​

[nyctolovian]

Trust

Merry christmas, Sincere! So hi im ur secret santa hahahaha! I know it’s kind of weird to have a sickfic for christmas but I rly tried to write something christmassy and ummmm yeh as u can see it didnt work out hahaha! Hope u still enjoy it with its fluff!! 

Summary: Trucy is running a fever while Mr Wright's at a trial so Apollo takes on the nursing duty. But health issues aren't the only issues Apollo will help with today.

AO3 Link

“Trucy has a fever?”

Upon hearing that, Apollo and Athena turned away from the client to look at their boss concernedly.

“Mm. ... Yes. … Oh... But I’m in the middle of a trial...” Mr Wright glanced at the clock. They only had five more minutes before the trial began again.

Eyes wide with worry, the client stared at him, wordlessly begging him not to leave. At that, Mr Wright flashed her a smile that assured her that he will be staying.

“I’ll ask someone to head over to fetch Trucy on my behalf,” Mr Wright spoke into his phone. “I’ll text you that person’s number. ... Yes. Thanks.” He pressed the “End Call” button before pulling his two protégés aside. “Well, you guys heard it. Trucy’s school called and she’s running a fever. And I can’t exactly leave halfway. Could one of you help me out?” he said with a sheepish grin. “I’d usually ask Edgeworth but he’s in Germany now...”

“I’ll go,” Apollo said, raising a hand. “Our client seems to need some help managing her fear, doesn’t she?”

“She does,” Athena affirmed. “It’s making her mess up a lot of her statements.”

“Then, it’s decided. I’ll go.”

Mr Wright wrote down something on a notepad and tore the page out. “This is the school’s address.” He handed Apollo the note and patted his shoulder. “Thanks for your help, Apollo. I’m counting on you to take care of her till the trial is over. I trust you’ll be fine though.”

The bailiff called the defense back to the courtroom and the defendant jolted in fear. Calmly, Mr Wright turned to her and comforted her. Athena held the defendant’s hand and squeezed it comfortingly.

Apollo glanced back as the three of them headed back into the courtroom before heading out. He took a look at the note Mr Wright had passed to him. The school wasn’t far from here. He quickly reached there by bus and got a visitor’s pass from the security guard before heading to the reception area.

“Hi, I’m here to pick up Trucy. Trucy Wright?” he told the receptionist.

“Ah, she is in the sickbay. I’ll wake her up,” the receptionist said.

Apollo pursed his lips. Was Trucy asleep? This fever seemed to be doing a number on the usually energetic magician. And he was right. As Trucy walked out of the sickbay, she looked incredibly exhausted, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

“Oh! Polly?” Her hand flew to her mouth. “You’re here?”

“Uh, yeah. Your dad’s in the middle of the trial so I’m here instead,” Apollo explained. He glanced over her quickly before gently tugging at her bag. “I’ll carry that for you. You look terrible.” For a moment, Trucy stubbornly tightened her grip around the strap. But Apollo was just as stubborn and she was feeling tired after all so she let go and sat at one of the benches.

The receptionist took out a form and told Apollo to fill it up so Trucy could sign out. He nodded and quickly filled it up. When he gave it back to the receptionist, her eyes widened in surprise. “You’re her coworker?”

“Um... Yes?” Well, technically I’m her employee but that’d be harder to explain. Apollo thought, cringing internally.

The receptionist laughed good-naturedly. “You two look so alike. I almost thought you were her brother! So you are a magician as well?”

“No, I’m not her brother,” he said, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “And I’m not a magician either. I’m a defense attorney. See?” He lifted his lapel.

“Polly, are you flashing your badge again?” Trucy asked from behind him.

“... No.”

The receptionist giggled as she filed the form away. “You two really get along well. Thank you for picking her up.” She craned her neck to look at the sick girl. “Rest well, Trucy!”

Seeing how tired Trucy was, Apollo got an Uber to take them back to the Wright Anything Agency.

As soon as they got in, Trucy started to nod off. However, when her head began to droop, she would suddenly straighten up again and the cycle would repeat.

“Just close your eyes,” Apollo said, leaning towards her. “You’re tired, right?”

“Ey, lass, y’ sick?” the Uber driver boomed, peered behind.

“Please look in front while driving,” Apollo reminded.

“Yep,” Trucy replied. “Fever.”

The driver nodded and turned his body slightly to look at her. “Thought so. Take forty winks, lil’ lady.” (“Oh god! Please look where you’re driving! Car! Car!”) Yer brother there can wake y’ up when we reach.”

“He’s not my brother,” Trucy said with a slight pout. “He’s just Polly.”

“Ey! Sorry ‘bout that! Y’ two got the same face!” the driver guffawed so loudly the car seemed to be shaking. Apollo clung to the roof handle for his dear life.

“Why do so many people say that?” Trucy mused aloud. “My friends in school say that too. Remember that time when I forgot my umbrella, Polly?”

Gulping, Apollo nodded. He won’t be remembering that any longer if the driver kept turning around to talk to them. “Alright, nice. Can you please nap now? No talking while napping,” Apollo said, patting her head. At least then Trucy won’t goad the driver into talking again.

“Good night,” Trucy muttered absently as she curled up in her bed.

“Good night,” Apollo replied even though he knew that was a weird thing to say at 10am. As he sat at the living room, he texted Mr Wright.

You: Trucy’s home now. She’s running a fever of 38.5 degrees. [10:34 AM]

Tentatively, he peered into Trucy’s room. Apollo felt pretty useless as he watched her tossing and turning uncomfortably. Never had he been needed to take care of someone else with a fever. And usually when he was sick, he’d just sleep it off.

Surely, he shouldn’t just be telling Trucy to sleep and leaving it at that. He frowned in thought for a while and paced around. Then, he picked up his phone again.

You: im taking care of trucy cos shes got a fever. 38.5 but wth do ppl usually do for fevers??? [10:39 AM]

The reply was almost instantaneous.

spaceman: Oof [10:39 AM]

spaceman: Give her water [10:40 AM]

spaceman: And paracetamol or watever [10:40 AM]

spaceman: Put a wet towel on her forehead [10:40 AM]

You: im not sure where mr wright keeps his medication stuff though. i asked trucy and she doesnt know either [10:40 AM]

You: shld i ask mr wright??? [10:40 AM]

spaceman: Yeah. Do that. [10:41 AM]

You: not sure when he can reply. hes at a trial now [10:41 AM]

spaceman: Ohhhhhhh [10:41 AM]

spaceman: No wonder ure the one taking care of her [10:41 AM]

spaceman: Good luck bro!! Dont die!!! [10:41 AM]

You: ok tks i wont [10:41 AM]

spaceman: Btw for the towel, get a basin so u dun need to run abt [10:41 AM]

You: k [10:42 AM]

After sending a message asking Mr Wright where he kept his medications, Apollo placed a cup and a jar of water on Trucy’s bedside table. With a bit of nudging, she finally sat upright to down an entire glass of water before sinking back into her bed with a flop. Then, he followed what Clay said and got a basin of water and a towel. Apollo soaked the towel and wrung it before placing it on Trucy’s forehead.

Apollo noticed the minute relaxation of her facial muscles so he supposed he was doing this right at least. Thank god for Clay. What would he ever do without him?

Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, Apollo picked it up again.

spaceman: AND SOUP OR PORRIDGE [10:53 AM]

spaceman: FOR LUNCH [10:53 AM]

spaceman: Im kinda assuming mr wright wont be back before lunch cos ure usually MIA for almost an entire day when uve got a trial [10:54 AM]

You: good idea [10:54 AM]

spaceman: Careful not to drop the entire bottle of pepper in the pot again. Itll kill the poor girl. Her dads a lawyer, apollo. Dont risk it ;-;[10:54 AM]

You: THAT WAS ONE TIME [10:55 AM]

spaceman: Tell that to my poor tongue :( [10:55 AM]

You: I GET IT STOP [10:55 AM]

spaceman: RIP Clay Terran’s tongue. 2004-2024 Death by pepper poisoning. [10:55 AM]

You: ITS TIME TO S T O P [10:55 AM]

spaceman: Dont. Stop me nOOOOWWW [10:55 AM]

You: why r u quoting queen in 2027 [10:56 AM]

spaceman: Why r YOU quoting filthy frank in 2027 [10:56 AM]

You: why r we even friends [10:56 AM]

spaceman: What do u mean?? This is precisely why we r friends [10:56 AM]

spaceman: IVE BEEN CAUGHT MY PHONE NOOOOOOOO [10:56 AM]

You: wow. a murder right before my eyes. ngl i feel nothing for ur death. [10:57 AM]

spaceman: Aura speaking, apollo, stop texting clay while hes at work. [10:57 AM]

You: Noted. Sorry. [10:57 AM]

“Trucy, please get back in bed,” Apollo said. “You’re still sick.”

“My fever’s gone, isn’t it?” Trucy said, puffing her cheek, as she continued to carry things out of the fridge to be defrosted.

“Well, yeah,” Apollo said. “But you’re not completely well yet. The sick should stay in bed to rest.”

“Do you even follow your own advice?” Trucy said, arms akimbo.

“Yes?” Apollo tried, rubbing his bracelet.

The piercing look Trucy gave him made him shrink back. Lying was futile. She could perceive lies too after all. Was this what it felt like at the other end of courtroom scrutiny?

“Okay, fine. I don’t,” he admitted. “But you’re a kid! A growing kid! I’ll do the cooking, alright?”

“The guest shouldn’t be doing the cooking.”

“I’m not guest, Trucy! I’m supposed to take care of you!”

“Look, Dad’s coming back for lunch. I can’t leave him hungry,” she said.

Apollo drooped with a sigh. “I’m sure what he means is that he’s coming back to settle lunch for you. Look, I could even ask him right now!

“I highly doubt he can cook,” Trucy stated, pouting.

“Mr Wright’s an adult. I’m sure he can settle his own meals. But if you really think that, I can just do the cooking. Your germs are going to get in the food anyway.”

“I can wear a mask,” Trucy rebutted.

Apollo waved his arms wildly before dropping them in exhaustion. “Rest. Please? Trucy?”

Trucy frowned at her feet. “It’s just a meal. I can do a meal.”

“Exactly! So can your dad. It’s just a meal. He can handle that by himself,” he said.

“I’m cooking,” Trucy insisted, stomping her foot.

“Why are you so stubborn about this?” Apollo sighed. Then, he noticed her fists shaking with emotion. “Trucy…” He watched her closely. “Is this really just about cooking?”

Her sharp blue eyes shot up to glare at Apollo. “Polly! You’re perceiving me?!”

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Apollo muttered, “Sorry. Habit. But answer me truthfully, Trucy.” He looked at her again, his brown orbs warm and gentle now. “This isn’t just about cooking lunch, is this?”

“I’m supposed to be the one who cooks lunch every day,” Trucy replied.

“So you see it as a- um… a duty?”

A silent nod.

“So skipping out makes you feel bad?” Apollo asked as he pulled a chair out and sat on it. “Like you’re not doing your part?”

Another nod. This time, she tentatively added, “It’s like a contract.”

He hummed in understanding. Then, he dragged another chair out and patted the seat.

Gingerly, Trucy sat down beside him. Her hands gripped the sides of the chair, tense.

“I kind of get it,” Apollo began. “I mean, being a foster kid, most of my relationships with my guardians feel like contracts too. ‘If you don’t do this and that, you won’t get, um, whatever.’ So I kind of get it. That kind of spread to my other relationships to be honest. So I always get this guilt when I’m not — I don’t know — performing?”

Trucy huffed in amusement.

“Have I ever told you about my best friend?”

“Clay?”

“Yeah, him. I used to always set rules for myself on what I should do for and with Clay,” Apollo continued. “I’d, um, not go for things, like parties or school projects, if he wasn’t going with me because I felt bad enjoying myself without him and stuff like that. When he found out, he got so mad at me and said it was dumb.”

Trucy snickered. “That is dumb.”

“Yeah, because, you know, he really hated that I wasn’t doing things for myself because I had set my own rules for our friendship. Well, the point I’m making is this,” Apollo said. “People who care about you wouldn’t want your relationship with them to restrict or hurt you, you know? People who really care would want the best for you, I think.” He looked up at Trucy. “And I think your father cares about you. A lot.”

Trucy was silent. She wasn’t meeting his eyes.

“I-I hope the things I said made sense,” Apollo stuttered. “I was just saying what I thought. I’m really not that good with words- URNGH!”

Trucy had slammed her face into his chest. Stiffly, Apollo’s arms hovered at his shoulder level as the teenager tightened her embrace. A fond smile spread across his face. Slowly, he lowered his arms over her shoulders and pat between her shoulder blades.

“Thanks, Polly,” Trucy said as she pulled back. She shot him a cheeky grin. “You make a pretty decent older brother.”

Apollo rolled his eyes. “Quit teasing me. Now, go sleep. I have a meal to make.”

[xxx-cat-xxx]

I don´t need to be the hero tonight

Another Iron Man Sickfic. This time he´s in a pretty bad shape both physically and mentally due to a battle lost, but, being Tony, tries to pretend that all is well in front of May and Peter. Set sometime after Spiderman: HC, assuming that May knows about the true nature of Peter´s internship by then. h/c, emeto, that´s it. For anyone wondering, the title is from a song I was listening to while writing (as in the first two fics I wrote).

I´d love to hear what you think about it.

Tony was mentally done with the day before it had even started. But he had promised Peter to accompany him and May on a picnic, and Tony Stark took pride in being man who kept his promises. So, he limped into the elevator that brought him down to the garage, dragged himself into one of his sports cars and set off to pick up his protégé .

He groaned when he left the highway and turned into a road filled with potholes that marked the entrance to Peter´s neighbourhood. Tony was hurting all over - nothing too serious, but enough to make him more than uncomfortable, especially when the car wanted him to witness every bump in the pavement.

He had taken heavy hits in the fight the day before, was covered in bruises and still bleeding from small to medium-sized wounds in several places. He was probably lightly concussed - at least the pounding ache in his head and the slight nausea in his stomach told him so, but he couldn´t be sure since he had not bothered to consult medical after the battle had taken a turn from bad to worse.

But to be honest, the headache might also stem from the indecent amounts of scotch in which he had tried to drown his anger after reaching back, or from the fact that he had just completed his third sleepless night in a row. He had actually planned on getting to bed early yesterday, not wanting to show up all zombie-like on Peter´s doorstep, but the debrief-turned-lecture had taken till 2 in the morning, and then his armour had been in dire need of repair, which was something he never, ever put off to later.

When he had been done mending the suit, the sun had already been up, and weighing the benefits of two hours napping against the amount of energy it would have taken to drag himself out of bed, he had opted for a long shower and a few cups of coffee in front of the TV instead. Which had done nothing to improve his mood, since footage of the inglorious battle had been playing up and down on every single channel in the country.

When he pulled up in front of May´s appartment, Peter was already waiting outside, and he couldn´t help but smirk at the happy smile on the kid´s face. He tried to get out of the car as smoothly as possible, but his swollen left knee protested at the movement and he couldn´t suppress a wince when he stood. Peter noticed and opened his mouth to ask, but Tony cut him off when May appeared.

“Pete, you never told me you were hiding a secret sister somewhere?” he joked, waving at May.

“And he never told me that you left engineering and are doing professional boxing now?” she rebutted, taking in the impressive shades of red and blue that decorated Tony´s face, before giving him a tight hug. “It´s nice to see you, Tony.”

As soon as they were sitting in the car, Peter started questioning him.

“What happened yesterday, Mr Stark? You got pretty beaten up, didn´t you?”

Tony frowned while turning down the heavy metal blarring from the car´s speakers. “Ya, kid, not really our most glorious moments. Would rather we don´t talk about it now?”

“But you should have called me! I could have helped, I-”

“No way, kiddo.” Tony gave him a serious look through the rear mirror. “That yesterday was NC-17, that was way above your paygrade. Apart from that, you had an exam, didn´t he?” He nodded in May´s direction for confirmation.

“Phh...” Peter blew out air angrily.

“Still, Tony”, May said in a softer voice, “you look pretty pale, are you alright? We saw you being thrown into that building on TV, Peter was worried all night you wouldn´t show up...”

“Hey, I wasn´t  really - that´s not fair,” Peter interrupted her, his face flushing red.

“I´m good”, Tony said, blinking away his ever-growing headache “Have a little faith, it takes more than a few criminals gone wild to bring down Iron Man.”

---

May and Peter had tried hard to produce a perfect picnic, and Tony felt guilty about how he just couldn´t really bring himself to enjoy. He pretended alright, chatting away, cracking jokes and having a competition with May about who could embarass Peter the most. He complimented May on her dress (which was in fact very nice) and the homemade food she´d brought (which was not). But in between, he could feel his mind drifting back to the battlefield, replaying the scenes, thinking about what he could have done different to yield a better outcome.

But the truth was, with a team that practically only consisted of him, Nat and his armours, with Rhodey on comm duty since he still hadn´t been cleared to fight, there was only so much he could do in a situation where they were significantly outnumbered. He didn´t want to admit it, but they would have needed Steve Rogers out there. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth.

He felt himself grow more and more tired over the course of the morning, the lack of sleep finally catching up with him. Every muscle in his body was aching, the bruises and cuts throbbing in the rhythm of his heartbeat. His head was definitely hurting bad now, the too-bright summer sun constantly sending jolts of pain through his brain, and he wished he´d brought some Excedrin. He briefly considered asking May whether she carried any painkillers, but he didn´t want to give himself away, didn´t want to ruin the lighthearted atmosphere by getting them worried over him.

When they finally made to leave, he stood up too fast while trying to help May fold the picnic rug, and the world suddenly dissolved into pixels of blackness. Tony felt himself swaying on his feet, grasped for something to steady himself and only found Peter´s arm. He held onto it tightly while the ground tilted away from him and reality took too long to reassamble in front of his eyes.

When he could see halfway clearly again, he was on the ground, May and Peter hovering over him, their faces tainted with concern. So much for not getting them worried.

“Tony? Can you hear me?” May asked.

“Yeah, I can. I´m sorry, I´m alright”, he breathed while slowly sitting up, feeling shaky and stupid.

“Are you okay? What happened?” Peter asked, his voice high and shrill in Tony´s ears.

“I just, kind of, got dizzy for a moment.” He took the hand Peter offered to pull himself upright, trying to look like he didn´t need it, trying not to let vertigo bring him down again, and trying not to put too much weight on his bad knee.

“You didn´t sleep last night, did you?” the kid asked.

Tony´s silence was answer enough.

“Okay, we´ll get you home and then you rest, Tony.” May said with an authority in her voice Tony hadn´t noticed before. “Just get into the car, I´ll drive us back.”

“Hey, this is a very expensive model, dont break anyth- ” he was cut off with a glance that made him understand why Peter would sometimes be afraid of that woman. He briefly considered insisting that he should drive - it was is car, after all - but then deemed it not worth the argument. Also, he had to admit that he was probably not in the condition to walk a straight line right now, let alone operate a vehicle. He was seeing everything through a blurry haze, and things seemed to be moving at a lower speed than they usually did.

They drove in silence. Tony was too exhausted to come up with anything to say, and Peter, who was sitting at the back with him, was evidently unsure about how to behave. He kept on shooting him worried glances every few seconds until Tony had enough of it.

“Geez, kid, stop glaring. I´m not gonna pass out on you.” It came out harsher than intended. God, he was tired. And nauseous. He was starting to taste May´s homemade blueberry cake at the back of his mouth, and he desperately wished that they would make it back fast.

Peter just looked at him, a little sadness in his eyes. “That wasn´t what I was thinking about. It´s just...you need to start taking care of yourself, Mr Stark. You just keeled over and I, I-” he broke off, looking at May for help.

“Noone would have been angry if you had called the picnic off today, Tony.” she said quietly. “Of course we want to spend time with you, but we would have understood if you had taken the day off to rest.”

Tony knew they were right. But he also knew that the person they were talking about, a person who would cancel commitments just because he´d taken a few hits and hadn´t slept a while, was not and never could be Iron Man. So he didn´t reply, instead opting to lean his aching neck back against the headrest and close his eyes.

---

He woke up to his stomach turning over when May took a particularly narrow curve. “Shit”, he cursed under his breath. That was definitely not how the day was supposed to go. He fought down a gag, tasting bile at the back of his mouth.

“May, pull over, please - “ he urged, swallowing heavily. May took only a few seconds to bring the car to a hold at the side of the forest road. He scrambled through his brain for a viable excuse while unbolting his seat belt with shaky fingers, but he couldn´t find any. There was no time, anyways. He felt cold sweat breaking out over his brow while his stomach went into contraction.

He stumbled out of the car and limped a few meters into the forest as fast as he could, desperate to get out of eyesight, before he bent over and retched violently. He brought up undigested food he had eaten at the picnic, the smell of it making him even more nauseous. He heaved again, pain zig-zagging through his body, his worn out muscles protesting against the strain. His head was threatening to burst into pieces.

It took what felt like years for his stomach to empty itself, and Tony was trying to catch his breath when he heard Peter´s voice hesitantly calling out from behind him.

“Mr Stark, do you need help?”

“I´m good, kid” Tony croaked, his voice hoarse from retching. “Be right back, don´t come he-”

“Oh. Yikes.” Peter stepped out from behind a tree, cringing when he saw the mess on the ground.

“Told you not to come here.” Tony said weakly, wiping a shirt sleeve over his mouth and leaning heavily against a tree when vertigo made the world sway again.

“I´m okay, just, give me a minute.” he breathed, “and please don´t let May see me like this, seriously.”

“Ya, she´s not stupid. She sent me to check you´re not dead.” He took in Tony´s trembling form, frowning. “Not sure what to tell her, though.”

“I´m just....” he trailed of, unable to bring himself to lie to the kid again. “Fine, I´m not okay right now. But I will be, I promise.” He breathed in slowly. “Just took a bad beating yesterday, and I´m not good at losing. But it´s not the first time, and I´m gonna get over it. Just please don´t worry so much, Pete.”

Tony glanced over at him, trying for it not to look pleading. He was hurting everywhere, feeling like he might pass out or puke again any minute, couldn´t get that god-damn fight out of his head, and on top of it all, he had managed to get the kid genuinely upset over his lack of self-care. He had failed on all levels, and he just couldn´t handle all the emotions raining down on him right now. 

Peter seemed to look right through him for a minute.

“You want some water?” he offered finally, and Tony gratefully took the bottle to rinse his mouth. He allowed Peter to put a supporting arm around his shoulders while they slowly made their way back to the car.

“You know, Mr Stark,” Peter said when they had nearly reached the street where May was waiting, “I get it that you are upset about that battle. But... I saw the footage on TV. And if I just one day in my life put up a fight like you did yesterday, I´d be really proud of myself.”

And for the first time that day, Tony felt himself hiding not only his pain, but a genuine smile from Peter Parker.

[patgomz13]

8/1/2021

Hi Tumblr. its been 2 months since we broke up and until now, I'm still hoping for her to come back. grabe akong undergo na depression lately and I bottled up all my emotion to myself. [Well technically nganung I share nako sa uban? who cares man sad :( ]. gi try nako to keep busy kay nagtraining ko sa salesforce - same sa iyang field but sometime sa akong kabusy, mahunahunaan gihapun nako sya.

gitry nasad nakog express akong feelings sa amoang very close friend hazel - I love her so much but I think I need to eventually stop expressing kay its not helping the situation anymore.

as my current mindset, compared to past breakups that I encounter from her. naay sudden shift and I feel tired about tolerating the toxicity. yes! I am officially calling it as toxic. but how to counter this one? I love Apple so much :'(

Toxic why? because everytime she initiate break up, she always rebut all the past issues. bisag wala koy gibuhat sa iyaha currently. I keep hearing peoples opinion about myself, I dont know unsa iyang gibuhat why people always have opinion about me but maybe this time I need to compose myself and dili na dapat nako e mind ang opinion sa uban. I dont know nganung cge syag pavictim around sa iyang friend, I just leave it to her.

in the past days na alone time nako. I keep validating myself that wala koy gibuhat na dautan sa iyaha. I have genuine intention and I love her unconditionally. I also eventually seeing red flags about her. things like.

1. 🚩 She keep on entertaining people bisag kabalo sya na nakagusto ang tao. - dili namn ni karun lng nahitabo. bisag kang raney day. same situation.

STORY : Last week, my HS friends invite me to a game called CODM. and when I add them one by one, I saw her on my online friend list and suddenly In game sila ni guy with the username - Bonamine which is si Jonas. yes! nahurt ko. kay nganu sad ko nagscroll ko sa history sa game niya. permi nlng sila in game until kadlawun. syempre pair jd nang discord ana. soo they are talking always. and workmate sila so always pd na sila in chat and huddle sa calls. pero anyways na hurt ko.

2. 🚩 pulling me sa akong past mistake. - Nganu man jd ni? dili naman unta ni ako. its been 7 years ago and the Patrick now is not the Patrick na from the past. Ive grown up. I eventually grow as a man, why bother pulling me from that. :( I leave it here nalng. its self explainatory.

3. 🚩 Taking for granted sa akong mga minimal acts for her - Yes, I am not romantic jd but if I love the person, gusto nako sila mahappy even for my simple act. I always remember unsa iyang likes and gusto niya ma achieve. I do a lot of effort para akong mahatud sa iyaha iyang gusto. matabangan gani nako ang uban tao sa ilang struggles, unsa nalng kaha sa iyaha. everytime makita nako sya na stress sa work, lutuan nko sya para maka chill sa sya kadyut. hug her on the back, trying to give her simple I love you and words of encouragement just give her the feeling that makaya rana niya. at night. bisag busy syag kuri2x sa iyang phone ug ako pd. marealize nako na I need to express it to her unsa nako sya ka love. I hug her every night, kissed her forehead and prayed for her success in life. pero I dont know aha ko nagkulang :(

4. 🚩 For the span of our relationship I am the most patient person. but nganung na feel nko na gakahurut nako? You know na permi jud mig bulag every year. healthy paba ni? with the same issue? naduggog na nako tanan Y*WA, pist*, manipulative, sadboii ka, wa kay pulos, wa kay future na tao buanga ka, mamatay na unta ka, insecure ka na tao, maypa si __ , f*ck you, bw*sit ka, abusive ka na tao ug unsa pana. [kana ra akong ma enumerate kay mao nang nitatak sa akoa], yes I forgive her everytime na iya na isulti nako pero It keeps dwelling to myself and eventually affected my faith, and belief to my self worth. cguro self explainatory nani sya.

5. 🚩 Always make me the bad person around sa iyang friends - di man nako sya masisi ani. pero feel nko dili healthy na cge nalng nimo ipagsigawan na unsa daw ko kadautan na tao. bisag wala nako nabuhat ug if nabuhat man gani nako. past na kaayu. and matalk nana namo way back before pa. pero I cant control unsa iyang gusto buhatun. naay certain guy na cgeg wisdom2x bisag wala sya kaila nako. yes! ok raman na kay lagi friend lagi. pero dili naman sad cguro na mag wisdom2x ka diha pero wa ka kaila sa giistoryahan. nakaremember ko sa giignun ni Apolinario and Igi sa akoa katung naka balo sya nagbulag mi [wa ko kahibalo nganung nakaabut sa ilaha ang news pero feel nko tunggod sa post2x sa fb na sad qoutes or unsa ba] pero ignun nya.

"kung unsa man gani inyung situation run. be strong and di man pwede na kung unsa akong naexperience pd di man applicable sa tanan basta just go with the flow, if nakasala ka, pag ask ug forgiveness and if ikaw nagpatigbulag, try to access first unsa imong nafeel and unsa ang situation, just be who u are and people opinion will not matter anymore. lahi2x ta"

and I feel blessed for the people around me. very mature and sincere advice jd. I also leave it here nlng pd.

6. 🚩 Ang kwarta grabe jud ka demonyo, nganung mag away mn sa kwarta. well akong principle, what mine is yours and whats yours is mine - just respect kung unsay willing ihatag based sa kakayanan rasad. gakahiubos jd ko permi everytime na maghisgut na sa kwarta kay lagi mas dako pamn sad syag income compare nako. laki bya ko. dapat ako magcarry sa amoa. ipamukha jd niya sa akoa unsa ko ka way pulos without knowing it. I just leave it here nlng pd.

uggg... sa akong past years na nilabay

1. Katung Raney days. soo devastating jud to sa akoa. grabi jud akong hilak atu na time. kanang feel nimo na nafeel betrayed kaayu ka. yes naa koy naingun na di mao just because I feel betrayed and cheated.

2. Nadungan pa nako sa usa ka friend niya na nanumbag ko bisag wala nako to nabuhat ever.

3. Gi pakaulawan ko sa Curb side sa Pabayo Hayes. ni pleasee ko sa iyaha na mag storya mi [nag away mi atu na time]. iya kong giwakli ug gishagit shagitan tapos pagka hulog sa akong chem book iya ra dayun ko gibyaan tapos sakay sa jeep pa uptown.

4. Sa tanan nako milestone sa life, permi sya absent :(, kana bitawng feeling na nagsabut mo and happy kaayu ko. tas gi indian ka or dili daw sya available kay gikapoy sya. grabi jud ko kamabaw ug kalipay. katung nihanggat akong fam na mag dine out with her para mag meet the parent na, pero di sya ganahan,katung first purchase nako sa akong new phone - Sony to sya. [Gihaguan bya nako so grabe jud ka sentimental] nag ask ko sa iyha to dine out para magcelebrate or unsa pero di daw sya kay kapoyan sya, sa akong pagka deanlist. nag ask ko na mag celebrate sa ta panalagsa, pero wala ghapun sya., sa akong graduation pictorial, wala pd sya kay kapuyan sya. balak unta nako eapil sya sa akong wacky post pic :(, tapos sa akong first employer - Logicbase, nag ask pd ko sa iyaha na magcelebrate pero di sya ganahan muadtu. ug dghan pa higayun, mao lng na ang nitatak sa akoa.

5. Ang mga pamalikas bai. grabi maka downgrade ug tao. grabi ka maldita jd. ok raman unta mag minaldita pero halos kaonon naka sa yuta sa iyang curse sa akoa. masabut namn guru na.

6. Mga labay2x ug gamit. she didnt even respect sa imong mga gamit. grabi jud ko ka frustrated atu na time kay kana bitawng feeling na tanan nimo gamit na ginaused currently is gikan sa imong hagu, dili na gikan sa parents? tapos in anaon lng. sakitan jd ko kaayu atu na time. kay gitagaan nkog value tanan nako gamit atu na time.

to be continued. I have to work on something

[9cdmp]

mm moon opp asc; i dont like saying no bc people always write me off as picky when i do + they stop asking me to do stuff 🥲

cap moon; i literally feel like we're the same person pls. ive tried to open up and depend on others but it's just so embarrassing?? to me? like i physically cringe every time i remember talking about a bad day + idk maybe im seeking validation and just not receiving it?? or maybe i am but it still doesnt fulfill my needs? "it's okay if they hurt me bc i will survive" is such a raw statement; i gotta hold onto that

saturn in gem + mars in twelfth; fr! im always scared how people are gonna react but when they do it's always never as bad as i thought. im still extremely passive though so i def have to work on that too 😩

moon opp jupiter in 0° too! i think ive learned how to handle that pretty well; the highs and the lows, understanding it's necessary and it's done. one thing that really helped me was setting up a priv ig acc (0 followers and everything) to just rant on stories! it just feels safer than a traditional journal or writing in the notes app tbh. since it's on stories + priv no one's gonna see it like they would if you just posted on feed but! it will save in archives and you can look at the dates/time to gather info on when what happens. etc ive learned my lowest usually occurs around 4pm, 9pm, or 3am so i try to find something to do that makes me happy during those times (:

mars-venus + cap moon; im glad you recognize your behavior! i also saw this happening in myself a lot but i dont struggle with it anymore tbh. not bc of an argument but i remember asking my dad (immigrant) why he didnt speak english as well as his siblings and idk he didnt rebut or anything, he just said idk but the shame?? that i felt right after asking that??? that alone makes me think twice about everything i say to the point where i usually end up not saying anything at all 🤕

3 planets in twelfth; i think it's called revenge bedtime procrastination! feeling free to do whatever at night bc it's just you. ngl ive always had a shitty sleep routine (my dad let me stay up watching tv with him since i was a kid) but ive learned how to love it tbh. i cant sleep for more than a few hrs without waking up (even after i pull all nighters) so ive resorted to embrace naps and live off of them? like if im tired, no matter what time of day, id take a nap and id wake up feeling better than if i got a proper 8hrs. this works better for me than the traditional bedtimes too bc i also have trouble falling asleep, so if im feeling sleepy at any point, yk im gonna hop onto that opportunity asap (+ this way i have more time to do stuff both day and night ahah) granted, my parents are super lax bc they know we take care of our own responsibilities so my sister and i can sleep + wake whenever we want 🙇🏻‍♀️ i hope your sleep gets better 🥺

blockages that the placements need to work through 

here are some things i’ve been working on ft. the astrological placements that i believe they’re revelant to, in case anyone else needs this 

sun aspecting venus, harsh aspects to the ascendant - saying no. it’s not so much like… a need to say yes to please other people, but a fear of saying no and facing the repercussions of it. lately i’ve been trying to simply say no to things that make me uncomfortable because turns out i do have a great difficulty setting boundaries lmfao. when my male friends make a sexual comment about me, i just say “stop, don’t talk about me like that” and when people invite me to hangouts that i don’t have the energy to go to i simply say “i won’t go, but thank you for inviting me”. the most difficult part is dealing with the guilt that comes with refusing others, and i’m telling myself that it’s okay to piss people off if it’s to maintain my feeling of safety 

moon in capricorn, moon harshly aspecting saturn - letting myself depend on others. i’m coming to terms with the fact that i’m not as big of a lone wolf as i believe myself to be lmfao. like, it’s okay that i depend on my emotional bonds sometimes! it’s okay to allow myself to love with no restrictions, with no “but i can’t let them see me vulnerable”, with no “what do i get out of this connection?”, no “oh i have to be nonchalant about how much i care for them or else they’re gonna know they have power over me and abandon me” no. i’m letting myself write the dumb sappy texts, to make the effort, to show how much i care, to open up to others. i’m easing with my calculating instincts. i don’t have to drown in my loneliness and i refuse to spend a lifetime avoiding getting close to others in fear of them hurting me. i’m working on seeing my strength, like… it’s ok if they hurt me because i will survive 

saturn in gemini, mars in the 12th house, mars harshly aspecting neptune - taking action when i need to. especially in real life, i have a lot of difficulty with taking action. like, if i’m in an argument with someone, or if someone is actively pissing me off, my first instinct is to end the conversation and escape so that it won’t escalate. theoretically, that’s smart… in practice, it makes me gulp down a lot of situations in favor of keeping the peace, and it makes me live an entirely different life in my mind vs. in reality. like, in my mind, when something happens i’ll fantasize about being assertive and talking back to the person, about standing my ground. but in real life i just… quietly move to a different room. plus it’s difficult for me to feel things in the moment, like something will happen and i won’t register it but days later i will think back on it and be practically fuming in anger. these past few weeks i’ve been working on just, saying what i want to say. even if i’m aware the situation can escalate, at least i won’t have any regrets, and it’s made me realize that people aren’t as easy to anger as i thought them to be, and that i’m stronger than i believed myself to be 

moon harshly aspecting jupiter - allowing myself to break down. my moon opposite jupiter is at a 0º orb, and when i tell you i feel every ounce of it, i really do. like, my emotions are extremely disregulated. on one hour i will be at the highest of the highs, and then the next hour i’ll be crying on the floor telling myself i’m the worst person alive. which just… causes me to feel even more guilty about how i speak to myself, and about how volatile my emotions are, and then i’m just a mess of guilt and self-criticism and “stop acting like a baby”; i feel easily overwhelmed and like i’m doing way too much, overreacting to every possible situation. and then, an hour later, im just like…. emotionally numb. anyways, instead of making it worse by blaming myself for my emotions, i’ve been just. allowing myself to feel. no guilt, no shame, just allowing myself to feel bad because of the innate belief that i’ll get over this, i’ll move forward, it’ll get better 

venus harshly aspecting the ascendant - dealing with a poor self-image. i have a lot of issues with my body image. so, instead of analyzing my body from every single angle and blaming myself for it, i’ll just. not look in the mirror. like, you know when you’re a kid, you’re barely aware that you have a body - it’s there, it functions, it helps you play and eat and grab things, but you don’t really spend time thinking about it’s shape and appearance because it doesn’t matter. that’s the mentality i’m trying to work with right now, that my body is there: it deserves food, exercise, to be washed and dressed in comfortable clothing, and that’s that. i’m releasing myself of the judgment that comes with my poor self-image 

natal saturn retrogade - stop buying things just to watch them sit there. like, i buy things that i don’t even use. or i buy things that i plan to use, but then i end up not using them out of guilt of having bought them, or lack of energy to use them, or fear of using them and messing up. so, what i’m doing is grabbing all the things i don’t use, and if i truly don’t want to use them, i’ll simply discard of them, and if i do want to use them, then i’m making plans to do so. no letting them sit in my room and feeling guilty every time i look at them 

mars dominance, mars aspecting personal planets, mercury aspecting pluto, debilitated moon (in capricorn or scorpio) - stop verbally insulting others in discussions. the point of having a discussion is to explain both perspectives and come to an agreement/compromise, not to try to win. unfortunately, this is something i’ve always had great difficulty understanding lmfao. as soon as i’m in a discussion the point stops being to shed light on the situation but to use the words i know will hurt the person the most so that they’ll feel the pain that i feel. when someone is not understanding me, part of me just wants to make them go through what i went through so that they’ll get it - especially if i have an emotional attachment to the person (for example, them being my family or romantic interest). this is extremely toxic and it’s giving me when your parents say “when i was younger i had it much more worse than you, and i’m going to somehow make this your problem”. so, i’ve been thinking twice about what i say to people. is what i’m about to say to this person relevant to this discussion, or do i just want my words to sting them so i can watch them crumble? i ask myself this question, and i try to show others the empathy that i want them to show me. 

planets in the 12th house, lilith in the 12th house - developing a better sleep schedule. i don’t remember the last time that i went to sleep before 5am, and this has greatly impacted my mental and physical health in general. like, i’ll go to bed extremely late, and then i wake up late and it takes me hours to find the strength to get out of bed because i just feel so shitty. the reason why i avoid sleeping early is because i struggle a lot with nightmares, because of my own paranoid thoughts and fears, and because it’s my “peaceful” time. like, during the day i have to deal with my parents being awake and… well, just existing in general, and i have to deal with my responsibilities and my family, but at night i get to just exist for myself and do whatever. but also, i struggle a lot with intrusive/paranoid thoughts that keep me from falling asleep. this is due to my anxiety and mental health problems, and to be honest i still don’t really know what to do to deal with this. like… the thing that’s helped me the most so far is to turn off my phone/computer since i get headaches easily, petting my cat until i feel calm enough to at least try to sleep, and to avoid taking naps throughout the day since that’ll just leave me with way too much energy at night 

[waitinginthedarke]

BIGBANG - MAFIA!AU - SERIES 3

A BIGBANG FANFICTION

Summary: The saying goes, ‘the mafia is family, the mafia is home’…but even if ‘the mafia is home’…is it really the right place to raise a child?

Masterlist (including series one and two)

Disclaimer: Mentions of (familial) physical abuse.

Chapter 7

20 years ago

‘When’s your curfew?’

‘I don’t know. I think my dad said 8.’ Seunghyun replies, shouting over his shoulder to his friend as the two of them speed down the country road on their bikes, grinning as the wind whips against his skin and he dodges the potholes in the cement.

‘Its already 8:15 now! Shouldn’t we head back?- He’ll shout at you again!’ his friend calls, tiny, cute, pre-teen face creased in concern, his voice growing more distant as Seunghyun speeds down the road that lead into town, his heart racing at the prospect of the city lights and the energetic locals.

‘Seunghyun! Come on! Your Dad scares me! I don’t want him to shout at me too! ...Seunghyun!!-‘

‘He wont shout at you, you scaredy-cat! Besides, we’ll go back in a little while! I just want to see-‘

‘SEUGNHYUN! YOUR FATHER WANTS TO SEE YOU RIGHT NOW!’

He skids to a stop in his surprise at the sudden voice just behind him, his scrappy brakes almost causing him to go over the handlebars before he manages to pause and look over his shoulder at the guy who’d called to him out the window of the car that was pulling up alongside him.

‘Who says?’ Seunghyun retorts, knowing exactly where the demand had come from, but being frustrated that his plans had been forced to a stop so soon. He looks behind himself to see his friend having paused a little ways up the road, staring with wide, innocent, eyes at the car, but seeming to recognize it as something to do with Seunghyun’s dad as when he turns to look over at him, ending up simply shrugging apologetically, before turning his bike around and speeding back down the road toward home.

Baby.

‘Your father is running riot because you weren’t back on time, so I suggest you turn around and head back, young man…you know what happened last time.’ The guy in the car says, the expression he shoots Seunghyun pleading with him to just do as he was told so as not to suffer from his father’s hand again.

‘Fine.’ Seunghyun mutters, before angrily skidding his bike round in the opposite direction to town and beginning the dreary ride back, leaving his hopes of seeing the lights behind...

‘I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE VILLAGE- TO BE BACK BY 8!- WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, BOY! I SWEAR BY ALL THAT IS HOLY-‘

Each hit with each word fell on a numb body, Seunghyun having learnt from a young age that even if he protested against the fist beating down on him, it would only lead to more beatings, and more pain afterwards.

‘YOU SELFISH BASTARD! WHY WONT YOU EVER LISTEN-‘

‘Sir?-‘

‘WHAT!?’

Seunghyun’s thankful for the break from the constant battering, glancing up from his place knelt on the floor to look at the man who had just walked in the door to pass some information onto his father, nodding subtly to him in thanks when he sees the quick glance the man makes in his direction and the apologies hidden in his eyes for Seunghyun’s father’s action.

‘Take him to his room and make sure he doesn’t leave. I’m not done with him yet, but he’s going to have to wait.’ His father suddenly mutters to the man after he’d received whatever information had been passed on, sneering at Seunghyun over his shoulder, before stalking past the man out of the room, his father’s absence allowing him the opportunity to sit up properly and stretch, hissing at the newly re-bruised muscles along his back.

‘Come on, son. The sooner you’re in your room, the sooner you can relax…before he comes back.’ The same guy who’d passed on the information states, smiling sadly down at Seunghyun and holding out his hand to help him to his feet.

As much as Seunghyun hated being pitied by his father’s men- especially when they did nothing when the man was actually hurting him- he still appreciated the false sense of security he felt when he was left with them, taking any piece of comfort they offered him and indulging himself in it whilst he could.

‘Thanks. …can you check if my friend got home okay?’ Seunghyun asks quietly as he proceeds to get guided through the house to his room, the regal décor making him scowl at the lost childhood spent being forced into a regime without fun and filled with his father’s anger, whilst he worries about the well-being of his friend. 

‘Sure thing, bud. I’ll send someone out.’ The guy murmurs, looking down at the young boy and settling his hand on his shoulder for comfort, the sad smile he sends toward him thankfully going unnoticed, as the man thinks back to the joyful smile he’d seen Seunghyun sporting as he’d ridden his bike freely before…

And the way he’d shouted happily to the empty road behind him…

Present Day 

SEUNGHYUN

He couldn’t move.

For the first time in almost 20 years, Seunghyun couldn’t speak…couldn’t move…could barely even think.

Was this some kind of sick joke?

‘Would I be able to have a moment with Seunghyun?’ the man in the doorway asks, the question that sounded so obtuse in Seunghyun’s mind immediately being rebutted by Kyungil, who stands from the seat at the side of the bed before he could even say anything himself.

‘Im not leaving him.’ Kyungil states, hand fisted at his side, and something about his confident challenging of the man who was assuming to be Seunghyun’s father has Seunghyun smiling behind the stone expression of blankness he was currently sporting.

‘I don’t believe that is your decision to make, young man. And when you address me it will be by-‘

‘He’s not leaving.’

Those three simple words had everyone turning to look at Seunghyun, the cold man before him staring him stoically in the eye for almost an entire half a minute, before Seunghyun averts his gaze to Kyungil and nods at him in thanks, signalling for the man to fall back slightly, standing closer to Seunghyun in the process.

‘Seunghyun, im sure you’re confused by the situation-‘

‘That’s an understatement.-’

‘-Will you let me finish?’

The coldness to the man’s tone, as icy as ever it had been, has Seunghyun glaring at him momentarily before nodding for him to go on, Seunghyun perching on the edge of the bed in a faux-calm façade as he listens to the bullshit that he knew was going to leave the man’s mouth, his memories of the time before making him biased in his dislike for the man.

‘Im sure you’re confused about the situation…but I haven’t brought you here to demand anything of you... or to try and convince you to join my mafia over the one you’re currently in- however, abysmal it may be-‘

‘I think you should watch your tongue when you’re speaking about my family.’ Seunghyun cuts in icily, continuing to stare at the floor as he speaks, and glancing up at his ‘father’ momentarily to make it clear he was serious, before he watches him straighten up, clearly affronted by the term he’d used.

‘How ironic.’ is all he murmurs as he smirks unamusedly, before going on.

‘I’ve brought you here because I think we need to settle some things. I’ve been able to watch you grow from afar over the years- after you decided to leave-...but its only been made clear to me recently just how much I’ve missed out on by not having contact with my own son-’

Seunghyun’s snort cuts off the man’s explanation, the sound signalling his boredom over the subject of family ties, and its as Seunghyun stands, deciding he’d had enough of listening to pretend excuses to attempt to recruit him, that he finally speaks.

‘It’s a bit late for family reunions don’t you think? You seem to be under the impression that you and I have some family history…but im afraid you’re greatly mistaken; I never had parents, and the only family I have are more than likely waiting for me to return right now. So, im afraid whatever offer you’re about to make, I’ll be declining. …If you’ll excuse me-‘

‘Seunghyun, sit down.’

The command has Seunghyun’s bones rattling and his blood running like ice through his veins, the way it sounded exactly the same as all those years ago having his senses sharpening to a point as he awaits the attack…

…but it never comes.

And that was the most terrifying thing for Seunghyun.

‘No.’ he says simply back, keeping a careful lock down on his expression as he silently challenges the other man, and not taking his eyes off of him as he subconsciously reaches back to grab Kyungil’s arm, making to pull him from the room as the need for escape begins to burn through his veins.

He makes it past his father and half way down the corridor, before the words the man calls after him, has him stopping in his tracks.

‘I don’t suppose you’ve spoken to the boy recently, Seunghyun?’

THE MANSION

‘Hyung, will you just calm down for one minute?-‘

‘Shut up, Seungri. I’ve not got time for your rambling right now-‘ Jiyong hisses behind you as you hold your phone your ear where you were stood quietly in the corner by the window, all 3 of you having moved to the office with the revelation of what had happened to Seunghyun.

‘I’ve driven about a mile back, but Minhyuk has his sights on the building they took him into beside me, we’re watching from the rooftop of-‘

‘But what about the trainees, they’re expecting-‘

‘Does it look like I give a shit about the trainees, Seungri? What importance do they hold over the longest serving member of this gang? Huh? Exactly! Now shut-‘

‘-the law firm. Jiho is only partially aware of the situation, but after I told him it was by request of you, he’s become more interested- he’s on his way up to speak to me now-‘

‘Dont tell him anything…not yet.’ You cut Mark off quickly without a thought, instinctively glancing up to see what Jiyong was doing as you realize the room had dropped into silence and feeling your blood run cold when you see him having turned to look at you, his expression guarded as he realizes something was going on that he didn’t know about.

‘I’ll be there in 20.’ You murmur before hanging up, sheepishly looking down at your phone as you go to slip it into your pocket, and feeling your heart begin to race as you tap in to how tense the room had become.

‘What was that about...?’

Why did he have to sound so angry already?

‘It was just Mark.’ You state, steeling yourself as you straighten up and lift your head to look at your lover, matching his gaze and feeling like everything would be okay…until he lifts one eyebrow and begins to make his way over to you, shoulders rolling like a panther.

As much as you weren’t scared of Jiyong, you never enjoyed it when he became so tensely focused on you.

‘Can I ask what he wanted? You sounded pretty tense at the end there-’

‘He told me where Seunghyun has been taken.’

The way his eyes flash at your blunt statement has you both watching each other carefully, his muscle jumping in his cheek revealing one of two things; 

he was very seriously contemplating how to react...

...and his anger levels were through the roof.

‘We need to go, NOW.’ He states eerily calmly, holding your gaze for only a few more seconds, before turning and marching to his desk where he opens his side drawer sharply and pulls out a handgun, checking its loaded, before slipping it into his waistband at his back and grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair.

‘Are you two just going to stand around all day?’ he asks, not even bothering to look up at you and Seungri, and your own anger beginning to build within you at his passivity of the situation has you stalking to the door without another word, beginning to walk down the corridor without waiting for them, and only hearing the sound of their footsteps following after you as you head for the stairs.

‘Hey, Y/N, what-‘ Youngbae goes to ask when he suddenly emerges from the kitchen corridor to see you stalking across the main reception area, cutting off into silence when he presumably catches sight of Jiyong behind you, and his footsteps join the procession out the door without a question. For a moment you hear Jiyong muttering something into his phone as you stalk toward the car and unlock it, but almost instantaneously its explained by Daesung jogging over from the prison barn, expression appearing serious before you turn to open the driver’s side door.

‘Uh, Y/N, do you want me to-‘ Youngbae goes to ask, gesturing toward the steering wheel as he tries to ask if you wanted him to drive, but he’s cut short by Jiyong who just nods his head at his friend to gesture for him to get in the back, before slipping into the passenger seat as you see Seungri pull his motorbike out from the shed across the yard.

Its silent as you shut the door and slip on your seatbelt, only glancing at Jiyong once but still not being able to meet his eyes before you’re turning to start the engine, and just as quickly you’re pulling out of the parking lot as gravel spits from your tyres with the acceleration, Seungri speeding off ahead of you.

‘How long has he known?’ Jiyong asks suddenly into the quiet of the car, his voice still guarded and filled with tension, but something about the way he words the question reveals a slightly softer edge than before, and you feel some of your anger leave you in response as your grip loosens the tiniest fraction in its vice like grip on the steering wheel.

‘I called him the day after we found out he’d disappeared.’ You murmur, overtaking a car on the road and swerving to quickly re situate yourself in the lane, seeing Jiyong’s hand clench on his thigh where he’d been surprised and feeling lighter with his obvious protectiveness.

‘Did he know about the fight this evening?’ he asks, flexing his fingers on his leg and struggling to maintain the unaffected façade he was holding up as he carefully tracked your route, giving away how frustrated and impatient he was about the situation with the way he turns his head to look at you, prompting an answer.

‘Yes. He said the same think Seungri did; Kyungil was on a suicide mission-‘

‘I swear to GOD, when I get my hands on this brat I will kill him.’ Jiyong cuts you off, and it takes you a moment to realize he’s on about Kyungil and not Mark, the deadly tone to his voice making you swallow thickly with nerves as you push your foot down on the accelerator.

‘Pull over.’ He mutters a moment later, his no-nonesense tone having you following his orders without question, not wanting to provoke him in this mood and wanting a chance to try and calm him, despite the rush you were in.

The second you pull up the handbrake and jump out of the car, you jog to switch with him, the two of you meeting near the trunk as you change seats, but the second you grab his arm to make him pause so that you could talk to him, you watch him spin on you dangerously, his presence towering over you where he was so full of rage at the danger his friend was in.

‘Ji, please just calm down- we don’t know whats going on yet-‘

‘EXACTLY Y/N.’ he hisses, hand grabbing your own wrist and causing your heart to thunder with adrenaline as you try not to pull against the death grip he had on you, knowing it would only make him more upset when he realized how he was treating you because of his anger.

‘We don’t know whats going on, and im terrified that this time we wont get Seunghyun back. I don’t know what or who he’s been lured in by- any number of things could be happening to him right now-... and all I can think, is that I’ve been SO pre-occupied with wanting a kid, with wanting you to be happy, and not wanting to push you into anything, despite how much I fucking want this,...that I haven’t given a single shit about how Seunghyun has been feeling- how he’s probably felt so unwanted by me that I pushed him to leave in the first place! AND NOW, now he’s with this bastard, whom would be the last person I’d ever trust, I-‘

The last words are spat at the sky, the hopelessly desperate rage that he shouts them with causing your heart to cry out and the tears that had built in your eyes to spill over, your hand fisted at your side weakening in the protest that had been building up within you, and so all you can do is watch him as he releases your arm and slams his fist on the back of the car, bracing himself there for a moment, before shaking his head and dragging himself up again, proceeding to head for the front seat; concluding that the conversation was over.

But for you, that was far from the case…you just didn’t want to argue right then.

‘Get in, we need to go-‘ he goes to say, glancing at a car as it passes, before snapping his head to look at you when you speak up.

‘I’m not coming with you.’ 

You lift your head to look over at him where he’d been just about to slide into the front seat, watching him laugh shortly and without humour, before glancing over at you.

‘Don’t do this now. Just get in the car.’ He states, his eyes daring you to refuse, but by the way his fingers tighten in their grip on the car door, he already knew that you’d made your decision.

‘Now isn’t the time to argue, Jiyong. …but we also cant be together right now.’ You say calmly, hating the way your chest was radiating with pain from the prospect of separating from him, but refusing the aching advances on your heart as you continue to watch him steadily, seeing his face drop of its Boss facade momentarily as he realizes you were serious and his fear of being without you takes over.

‘Go and save him... I’ll be right behind you. Don’t worry-‘

‘Y/N, just get in-‘

‘Go…Jiyong. Save him… I’ll be right behind you.’ You cut him off, smiling gently at him to reassure him that it was alright and seeing the conflict waver in his eyes; trying to decide if he should stay to convince you, or just do as you say and leave, but the second Jihoon rides up on the motorbike- having been sent by Mark to help with directions, parking up beside you and removing his helmet to see what was going on- Jiyong simply nods, taking a moment to look at you with longing in his eyes, before disappearing into the car with a scowl and you watch as your family speeds away without you.

‘What happened?’ Jihoon asks, looking confusedly over at you where you stood watching the car disappear around the curve in the road, before you turn to look at him, dragging in a deep breath and stalking over to swing your leg over the bike. You climb on behind him and accept the helmet he passes you without a word, Jihoon opting himself to go without to make sure you were safe- before he starts the engine once more and you finally answer him.

‘I just sorted my priorities out.’ You say, more to yourself than to him, before tapping him on the shoulder and pointing in the direction that lead back to the Mansion.

‘Step on it.’

(T.B.C)

[citanasworld]

I just realized I have never posted an original work so i guess i can now 😅, be gentle i haven't written in years (literally like 7/8 years) and this was the first thing i came back with

There they were sitting across a table avoiding eye contact as they separately counted down to what would be the most uncomfortable emotional situation either had been put in.

Their mutual friend Darron walked into the room to explain exactly why he brought both of them together in this awkwardly painful reunion.

"Alrightt, Lunaa.. Natee, I think it's about time you 2 talked. I don't care if you walk out of here friends or not but I've heard 2 very different stories and you need to explain how you feel to one another because your constant fighting and negative energy anytime you see each other is starting to affect not only me but everyone. So talk it out, RESPECTFULLY." He made immediate eye contact with Luna knowing she was they type in fights to go for the low blow. He walked out and closed the door slowly while Luna and Nate turned to make eye contact for the first time since they had been put into this room together.

"Luna i know we didn't end on super great terms last time we spo-" Nate was cut off mid sentence when Luna had burts out laughing

"When was that? Ohhh yeah when you disrespected my fiancé in an attempt to get me angry? Yeah i wouldn't say we ended on 'super great terms' Nathaniel." She said the last part sarcastically rolling her eyes and looking towards the door.

"Haa, well i meant more so the part where you threatened to 'knock everything last tooth and brain cell out of my skull' or do you not remember that part doll"

Her head snapped back immediately and she looked furious "Oh i remember that clearly and it was 'fucking skull' if you want to quote me at least quote me accurately. And NEVER... call me doll again" she leaned in close speaking the last part very articulatly to make her point clear.

"Alright, alright I'll back off; however i see you're still as fiesty as ever" he continued before she could interrupt with a comeback "look my version of this is pretty cut and dry so I'll tell you mine you tell me yours and if we can't see eachothers sides you can walk out that door and we never have to speak again. Deal? For Darrons sake?" He reached his hand out to shake on the terms with a smile

"For darron. And i will leave.." he reached out and grabbed her hand. "I hate you, just so you know." Luna spat at him while pulling her hand back to her side and making a face and Nate. To which he replied with a sincere smile, "oh, darling.. you break my heart" he said light heartedly to try to ease the tension

"You don't have a heart to break." She replied shortly showing absolutely no emotion whatsoever.

His smile grew back to the emotionless frown he always wore

"Alright have it your way."

"Always have, haven't I"

"Snarky as ever.. alright fine" Nate began glaring at Luna knowing she was an empath and that she could only have this emotional blockade up for a short time before it came tumbling down and she would feel all the pain and despair she caused him.

"The way i see it we were friends, and then all of a sudden Simon is the center of your universe and you could give a fuck less about me. Then i try to come to you because i miss you and you say there's some deeper problem. If there was a deeper problem why didnt you just come to me? I just wa-"

"WHY DIDNT I JUST COME TO YOU? NATHANIEL DO NOT START WITH ME." She exclaimed, surprised he even had the audacity to act like she was the villan of this story.

"Alright if I'm explaining this incorrectly maybe you should tell me how things 'reallly were' brat."

"Ohkay well let's start with where things actually went wrong you fucking ingrate. Lets start with the fact that I have loved you and wanted to do everything for you and that was apparently not enough. Lets star-"

"Alright doll, get on with it. Tell me what exactly it is i did to make you go from loving me as much as you did to hating my guts and seeing me as this evil narcissistic demon you paint me out to be."

"Nathaniel. Let me make one thing clear before i tell you exactly how i see things. I don't hate you, unfortunately no matter how much i try i cant bring myself to hate you or stop caring about you even though you strung me along for years and shattered my god damn heart, i still cant fucking hate you. And if you genuinely think i do then I'm sorry but you're just stupid."

"Pfftt could have fooled me. I think the cold shoulder you've been giving me these past few years gave me frostbite" Nate said with a smile hoping he could get Luna to crack even the faintest smile, he hadn't seen her smile in 3 years and he missed it so much.

"I'm not in the mood for jokes.. look i loved you so fucking much i would do anything to make you happy. We had constant bickering of who loved who more and things were great. Then i move 10 hours away and its the most painful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching thing i ever experienced and you just disappear, you stop talking to me everyday and I'm lucky if i got a response once every other week and maybe a video call with you and Darron once a month and that's being generous to you. And then while being heartbroken that the person i loved basically just disappeared on me then Elaine had to tell me her sister saw you out with NOT ONE. BUT TWO DIFFERENT FUCKING GIRLS ON DATES. WHat the actual fuck was that shit Nathani-"

"Look i dont know what tale you're spinning but we were never dating and i-"

"I KNOW AND THAT'S THE WORST PART OF IT ALL. I LET YOU LEAD ME ON IN HOPES ONE DAY YOU'D STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING WITH A FUCKING HOLE AND WOULD ACTUALLY SETTLE DOWN AND LOVE ME BECAUSE 'YoU lOvEd Me MoRe TiMeS iNfInItY aNd YoU aLwAyS wIlL' you fucking ungrateful son of a bitch you made me fall for you. And dont start with the i meant it as friends thing because i did not treat you like a friend and you know it. I never cuddled and kissed my other friends. I never made plans to move across the country alone with one of them and spend the rest of our lives together and you knew exactly what you were doing you FUCKING NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT" Nate snapped yelling as loud as he could; as he leaned in closer to Luna. They both just stared at each other in silence, Nate was waiting for the waterworks to start, anytime he yelled at her before she'd cry and he could comfort her and things got better but not a single tear fell.

"Nathaniel. I'm sorry I've been raising my voice but i swear to whatever the fuck god you wanna believe in that if you EVER raise your voice at me again i will fucking kill you without the slightest hesitation, do I make myself clear?"

They sat in silence as they had a stare down waiting for the other to break, but Luna grew tired of this game so she continued her point "Regardless if you meant it or not, knew what you were doing or not, you lead me on, For years, point fucking blank ohkay? I loved you and waited for you for years just to have my heart shattered. I genuinely cant tell you how many people i slept with to get over you."

This took Nate off guard and he couldn't hide the glint of jealousy that flashed across his face at the thought of her touching someone else the way she used to touch him, god just the thought of it made his stomach turn

"And after doing that and not succeeding in fucking you out of my system i was even more upset and broken" her voice broke and she had to take a second to compose herself so she wouldn't start to cry once she calmed down she continued

"Simon was the best friend that was there for me after you destroyed me. He picked up the pieces and put me back together, and didn't expect anything in return, he did it as a friend. He makes me happy and makes me feel loved-"

"Uuugghhhhh skip this part. You know how i feel about Simon." Nate groaned

"I just wanted to make it clear that he's the reason I'm back to myself and didn't end up destroying my life or overdosing to kill myself you dickhead. And i was content pretending like you never broke my heart and destroyed me. I was fine pretending like we were friends for Darrons sake. And then you saw how happy i was with Simon and decided you didnt like me loving someone other than you and made it very apparent how much you hated him. You got pissy anytime i showed him affection AND HE AND I WERE IN AN ACTUAL DEFINED RELATIONSHIP. And then when i stopped being around you because of how you were acting about simon and i you decided to drunk text me some god damn apology about how you were treating Simon and like thanks but how fucking dare you act like that's where our problems started. It was way before that. And to add fuel to the fire when i didnt accept your shitty apology you decided to misgender and deadname my boyfriend to try and what? hit a nerve and get me to talk to you? Like fuck off you egotistical self centered prick. But whatever at this point I've come to expect nothing less of you."

Tears were welling up and she couldn't hold them back any longer. Nathaniel took a moment and watched her, studied her face to see if there was any feeling towards him that wasnt hurt or anger that was salvageable

"..I'm sorry I made you feel that way about me. But i still love you and care about you Luna. I never stopped, even when we didn't talk for weeks i was always thinking about yo-"

"I tried to talk to you every single day Nathaniel. If you miss someone you talk to them not ignore them and fuck anything with a pulse"

"okay.. that's fair i deserve that. But please stop rebutting everything i say its not progressing this conversation..unless your plan is to spend the rest of our lives in this room arguing which with you doesn't sound to bad, doll" he threw in a wink and reached for Lunas hands. She pulled them back before he could even reach her hands "what the fuck did i say about that name" "awhh come on Luna i know that's your favorite nickname"

"YOU DON'T GET TO CALL ME THAT."

"Does Simon call you that now? Or is it still my special nickname"

"Simon knows that being called Doll makes my stomach turn amd my skin crawl." she looked Nate up and down to emphasize her point "for obvious reasons." Nate simply smiled "Luna keep up this tough girl act i like the look of it on you. But we both know underneath that tough shielded exterior is my soft babydoll that just wants love and acceptance from everyone that lays their eyes on her no-" "You think you know me but you know who i used to be. That 'soft doll' you love so much? You killed her, a long time ago and I've changed"

"Show me the new you then. I can promise I'll love any version of you as long as its you"

"STOP..saying you love me Nate you're trying to get in my head." She looked away from him and tried to pretend like she didnt still care. Nate reached out and turned her to face him "you and i both know i mean it Lunabel, i will always love and care for you. Thats why darron wanted us to talk things out. Please believe me I've changed, i go to therapy, i haven't touched any drugs or alcohol in a year, and im working on my problems. I know you dont want me in that way but i need to be part of your life Lun, i cant stop thinking about you. You were my best friend, the person i went to for anything without fear of judgment please don't take the only light in my life away from me."

"Nathaniel.. you know I'll never stop loving you but we're toxic to each other and only make one another spiral down. We just bring out the worst in eachother, and frankly, I don't like who you turn me into." He looked down defeated knowing where this was going to lead, but she pulled his face up to meet his eyes to hers "..i am.. so proud of you for getting sober Nate, words cant explain how happy i am you're getting help and bettering yourself. And I'll always care about you but i can't see a future for us where we can be close friends anymore, its not in the cards for us" he rested his head against her hand not wanting this moment to end, he missed her touch, how she could calm every ache and pain both mental and physical by just touching him. He hadn't felt a moment of peace like this since she left his life. She started to pull her hand away and instinctually he grabbed her hand and held it back to his face, tears starting to build

"fuck the cards, Luna please give me another chance as a friend please i miss you in my life and healing cant progress if i dont have you by my side"

Luna pulled her hand back to her side realizing she had made a mistake touching him like that, she felt the hair on her arms stand up and the anxiety rush up her fingertips and into her whole body, Her heart started to race and tears started to well in her eyes "Nate you and I both know you can't rely on someone else when you're trying to heal, it's not healthy on either end of the relationship; If you truly need someone to rely on that person should be Darron or a family member, not your ex-whatever I am."

Luna stood up to head for the door when Nate grabbed her hand to ask one final question, "Do you still love me Lunabel?"

There was a moment of silence as she pondered on this question, "Nate, you know the answer is yes but no amount of love can erase the past. Keep doing good and being sober, im proud of you." she pulled her hand back to herself and continued towards the door as Nate stared at her and watched her walk out of his life for the last time "I'll always love you Lunabel..." she stopped for a second to turn slightly, "I know Nathaniel.. I know." she continued out the door and walked away with the weight of a thousand tons rolling off her shoulders as she closed that chapter of her life and moved on with Simon to her happy life.

[sayn377y]

Dear Afiq,

These are the things i’ve been dying to ask u..

After all that we’ve done, HOW COULD U... how could u cakap i tak hargai u. What was in ur fuckin mind?? U lupa ke I took u as u are, I was there when u have literally nothing, I sanggup redah hujan panas naik motor dgn u bcs u tak mampu nak beli kereta lagi that time, u got no place for internship? I asked for mummy’s help, u were sick u got fever, know what I did? I told mummy to bring u to clinic and pay the bills using my medical card, not just that, every single time u bagitahu u’re not feeling well, who the fuck bought u some meds? boy idk, u dont have money? I borrowed u mine and never asked for it back sometimes, u have no transportation but still wanna go on a date, know what I did? got into fight with kakdia sebab nak rebut kereta bcs nak bring u out, have I ever asked for ur money? I ada otak nak fikir pasal u, hope u know lah. Remember when I was in bintulu??? Yea those were the days where all that u needed, I bagi bagi bagi and keep on bagi. From duit makan to topup. But have I ever left??? Have I ever said i’m done with u. I think for 3 years, I was the man in the relationship. Car fuel... u only started to pay when u’re already have jobs. But before all that, have i ever asked u for it??? U wanna talk about money? Guess who sacrificed shits for u when no one wants to even listen to ur problems that time??? Idk. How could u said all those things straight up to my fuckin face. I’m willingly drove all the way from rawang to sunway to pick u up, pernah I complain “jauh sial rawang sunway” “penat sial drive”.. but what did u say that one time when u have to drive from sunway to serdang? wait yeap, I remember “JAUH NAK MAMPUS DENGAN JAM NYA MCM SIAL PENAT DO”... Took my virginity and promised me shit. I got sick, I got ulcer on my vagina. What did u do??? Nothing. Did I leave u that time? Nope. Did I stop loving u? Hell no. I got pregnant... I only told u about the pregnancy test, remember what u said to me? “u nak lock i ke? u tipu i ke ni?”. Fuck u for that bcs u weren’t there when I needed u, when i’m in the doctor’s room, being scolded for ur mistake. Have u ever asked about it after kita dah baik? NEVER. Did u know that I took pills to get rid of the womb. Ofcourse u dont. Because all u care about was ur feelings. All u care about was the girl u flirted with. All that u know was that i’m the bad guy. Yea. I got fucked by 2 guys behind u, but did u ever ask me how it happened? Lol why would u right? Bcs u’re the nice one. Ofcourse I yg salah. U used to choke me when we got into arguments. Remember? Woops. I dont think u still remember, because all that u remembered was that I hit u so hard when I was drunk. Yea, u tuduh I, it really was not a big deal for u :) U told me I yang sangap, selalu tak puas. Okay, but what was up with the one in ibu’s house. What’s up with the one in airbnb putrajaya at 8 in the morning? What’s up with the one in my mom’s house 2 days before “i tawar hati”? What’s up with the one in karaoke room at the curve? What’s up with the one in langkawi? What’s up??? What was that for, really, I just need to know. You know what I feel now? All this while u stayed because of lust, because of the good sex. U were never in love with me. I was stupid.