#so if me being insecure and unhappy makes you unhappy maybe stop screaming in my face that it's my fault

[bredforloyalty]

i don't even hate research i think this house my parents just deplete me

[tobiokuns]

— surprise pregnancy with haikyuu boys

summary: you hadn’t planned for this to happen. neither of you had. but it had, and now you had to tell him.

characters: kageyama tobio, miya atsumu, akaashi keiji

tags: angst to fluff, hurt/comfort, some humor, brief mention of abortion, implied body image insecurities, happy ending

— kageyama tobio

you wring your hands as you lean against the doorjamb, anxiously waiting for kageyama to come home. he’d had a long week, you know, but your first appointment with your doctor is on monday, and you think he’d like to be there if possible. at least, you’d put it off long enough.

the click of the lock unlatching and the familiar turn of the knob raises your attention. you feel like you’re going to choke under the pressure, and even seeing his face doesn’t calm you down.

if anything, you’re even more nervous, seeing the sweat on his brow.

“tobio—” you call over to him when he walks through the door, before you lose your nerve, “i’m pregnant.”

there’s a terse silence, even though kageyama just looks confused. your boyfriend blinks once, twice, and scrunches his eyebrows like he always does when he’s thinking hard, and just stares. your heart pounds in your chest.

“...but i just signed onto a new team,” he says, finally.

you make a sound of affirmation. “yeah, i know,” you sigh, smiling tightly, “but we can make it work, right?”

he kinda looks like he does when he’s setting, in deep concentration, kind of unhappy. you wait for him to say something, anything, but the silence stretches on, for so long that you think you’ll have a heart attack.

“my first doctor’s appointment is on monday,” you tell him, trying to nudge him into saying something, “do you want to come with me?”

“i can’t, i have practice,” he blurts out almost automatically, and you nod. of course he does. it’s silent for a while, and then he’s speaking again. “can’t you...” he swallows, looking away, “...not have the baby?”

don’t lose your shit, you tell yourself, don’t lose your shit. you tamp down the growing anger and nod again, making another vague humming noise.

“yeah, i could,” you agree, voice eerily quiet, “but i want the baby, tobio.”

“okay,” he nods, “...do what you want, then.” 

your heart drops. you can’t see his face, not with his bangs covering his eyes, but you stare at him for a while anyway, your own eyes stinging. you silently shuffle back into the house, leaving him standing in the doorway.

it’s awkward when he slips into bed that night. you keep your back to him, but you can almost feel his gaze on the ceiling. you don’t know when he sleeps, or if he ever does. by the time you wake up, he’s wrapped around you, leg thrown over yours, his big hand rubbing over your still flat stomach under your shirt.

he jolts awake as soon as you stir, dropping his lips against your neck and nuzzling you.

“i’m sorry about last night,” he murmurs immediately, and you’re sure he’s pouting. “y-you caught me off guard. i want it. the... the baby. with you.”

you sigh, staring at the wall opposite from you. you think of having to move again, back to japan this time. you thought that would be good for you and kageyama, but his reaction last night...

“are you sure?” you ask, covering his hand with yours, missing some of the bravado you had, “we can...”

“no,” he sounds almost childish, and you smile, wondering how he’ll be as a father, “no, i’m—i’m sure.”

his arms tighten around you. it’s not often that you get to cuddle in the morning with kageyama, not when he’s always going for jogs and volleyball practice. so you lean back, telling yourself that everything will be just fine.

— miya atsumu

“y’know, y/n...” your boyfriend says to you one day, “yer gettin’ kinda... like, fat...”

you whip your head around to stare at him, your cheeks heating with embarrassment. he cowers instinctively, waiting for you to hit him like you usually do, but your arm stops midair before you let it drop. 

you wanted to hide this a little longer, because to be honest, you were scared. scared of his reaction, scared he wouldn’t want you, scared you’d be left alone. but you sigh, knowing you couldn’t anymore, and slump against the couch.

“atsumu...” you lower your voice, and instantly he cowers more.

“i‘m sorry! i didn’t mean it like that!” he yells, hands covering his face, “don’t hit me, i’m beggin—”

“no, atsumu,” you sigh, taking his hands into yours, “listen to me.”

he sees how serious your expression is and quiets down, bowing his head and leaning closer to you. the idiot still probably thinks you’re mad because he called you fat, you think. you would’ve laughed if you didn’t feel like puking at this moment.

“i’m pregnant,” you say, taking a deep breath, “we’re gonna have a baby.”

“hah?” he retorts quickly, “we’re what? no, we’re not.”

you watch as his face changes, and then he’s off again. “no, y/n, ya can’t be pregnant. i can’t be a dad. have ya met me? samu doesn’t even have a kid yet, ‘nd that’s like, the one thing i don’t wanna beat him at and— goddammit, i shoulda used condoms—”

 “atsumu,” you almost scream, the panic bubbling up in your chest, “do you not want to do this with me?”

“but, weren’t ya on the pill or somethin’? how could this happen?” he acts as if he hadn’t heard your question,” y/n, are ya sure it’s min—”

you can’t take it anymore and burst out crying. you don’t even pay attention to the fact that he just accused you of cheating. the stress from the weeks of keeping this to yourself explodes and you sob loudly, louder than atsumu’s panicked rambling.

“shit—” he curses, seeing your tears, and quickly taking your hands into his, “y/n, ’m sorry, i—it’s just—i’m gonna be a horrible dad, ya know? i don’t know if i can do this, it’s like... i’m not very reliable ‘nd ma always said—”

“but,” you sniffle through your tears, “aren’t we doing this together?”

he nods slowly, and then moves to rest his head on your chest. he tentatively puts a hand on your stomach, rubbing his index finger over it as if it were foreign to him.

“yeah,” he agrees quietly, “we’re doing this together.”

— akaashi keiji

you knew akaashi hadn’t wanted a child, not yet at least. you knew that, and yet when he said okay the night you told him you were pregnant, you were naive enough to think that it was actually okay.

he works, all the time, very hard. it only made sense, he had told you he needed to, in order to get to where he wanted to be. but it left you many nights, belly and feet swollen, joints aching, alone on the couch, wondering what you were doing.

did you eat your vitamins? he asks softly every morning without fail. but that was it.

you went to doctor’s appointments alone, you shopped for baby clothes alone, and you stared at the empty four walls of the baby’s room alone. you were too afraid to buy furniture for it: it seemed too permanent, especially when being pregnant seemed like a repressed dream every day.

"keiji, ” you call out to him early one morning, before he can leave for work again, “...let’s not have the baby.”

he doesn’t respond and for a moment you can’t even tell if he heard you. but then he’s whipping his head around, as if he had just realized what you said, and scrambles to kneel at your side.

“what’s wrong?” he places a hand on your belly, right beside yours, like he never had, “are you feeling—”

“you’re never here!” you cry, wincing at your own screech, “i don’t want to do this alone, keiji. i can’t do this alone. the baby started kicking yesterday, you know? and you weren’t there. i didn’t even know what to do. i’m not gonna know what to do. god, we need a crib and a c-changing table, and—”

you stop when he lays his head down on your lap. 

“i’m sorry,” he mumbles faintly, his hot breath seeping through your shirt. the kitchen is silent with your sniffles. you’re so tired, from the pregnancy or everything else, but you tangle your fingers in akaashi’s hair, and it brings you just an ounce of comfort. it’s soft as always, just like it was when you had started dating.

“i’m sorry,” he says again, turning his head to the side to face you, letting your fingers drift over his cheek, “i was taking on more work, to save money for... for the baby. i hadn’t— ...i didn’t realize i was neglecting you, y/n.” 

 you look down, “y-you were what?” 

 “i took on a new author,” he tells you, “and i asked around for some freelance work. i think we’re okay financially, but you never know, so i thought it’d be good to have extra—”

“keiji,” you interrupt, voice scratchy, “were you nervous?” 

“well, yes,” he admits, leaning into your palm, “but that’s no excuse for leaving you all alone. i can drop the freelance, maybe move most of my work back home—” 

you smile, the familiar sound of akaashi overthinking things a buzz in your ears. you brush your thumb over the wrinkles between his eyebrows, tracing the lines on his face, recognizing the way his eyes tighten when he’s serious. he looks up at you. 

“do you want to come to the doctor’s with me on thursday?” you sniffle softly, smiling at him. 

“...yes,” he nods, almost like a reflex, but you can see him thinking again, his stare blanking. you reach down to intertwine your fingers with his, placing them over your belly. the focus returns to his eyes and he looks reassured, finally smiling back at you. 

“yes,” he repeats, “i’ll come with you.”

[blu-joons]

You Feel Insecure Around The Other Member’s Girlfriends ~ BTS Reaction

Jin:

“I think I’m just going to go out and grab some air,” you whispered to Jin, excusing yourself from the table.

“Everything alright?” He questioned, quickly following behind you as you made your way out of the restaurant, taking a seat just beside the door, embracing the quiet.

You sighed gently as he took a seat beside you, resting his hand against your leg. “They’re always so loud, I just needed a bit of quiet for a moment, it was giving me a bit of a headache.”

“Is that the only problem?” Jin pushed, sensing by the look on your face that there was more to things. “Is it really just because the girls are loud that you feel this way?”

Your shoulders shrugged back at him, “I’m not as loud as them,” you frowned, “it makes me feel like I shouldn’t be there when I’m not screaming like they are.”

“I don’t want you to be loud, that’s not who you are.”

“But it’s who they are.”

“Exactly,” he smiled, “I don’t want you to feel like you need to change to match them all, you’re my girlfriend, not theirs, the others can date loud people if they prefer.”

Your head nodded, resting down against his shoulder, “It’s still really loud in there, how do they never end up with a sore throat or anything?”

“I don’t know, but I hate it just as much as you do.”

Yoongi:

“She keeps looking at me,” you complained as Yoongi led you up to the bar to grab yourselves a drink.

“Who?” He questioned, watching as you pointed in the direction of Jimin’s girlfriend at the table. “Are you sure she’s not just listening to what you’re saying?”

Immediately your head shook, reading the situation a lot better. “Anything I do, I can feel her eyes watching me. It’s like she’s waiting for me to disappear or do something wrong.”

“I think you’re overthinking,” Yoongi sighed, trying to defuse the situation. “The two of you have never said a word to each other, maybe she’s trying to say hello.”

You glanced back at him as the bartender walked over to you both. “If she wanted to say hello, she could have done it two months ago when we first met.”

“It’s not easy being the new member of a friendship group.”

“Why are you talking so much sense?”

“Sorry,” he chuckled, “I know it’s a strange feeling for you to have a new girl around the table, but maybe you just need to be the one to be brave and start talking.”

You glanced back at her as she rested into Jimin’s side, “she does seem to make him very happy, so maybe I’ll have to get used to her being around.”

“I promise, she’s not as bad a person as you think she is.”

Hoseok:

“Woah,” Hobi gasped as he walked into your bedroom, “we’re only going out for coffee, it’s nothing fancy.”

“I know,” you smiled, glancing at your makeup in the mirror one final time. “I just thought I’d make a little bit of an effort seeing as everyone’s going to be there.”

Straight away he could tell what was going on, walking across to you. “I know you’re doing it because Soyeon and Jinsoo will be there, you only started doing this since we met them.”

“But they always look so nice,” you protested, running a hand through your hair, “I need to be as pretty as they are; I want to look good for you.”

His lips pressed delicately to your cheek, “I want you to be the person I fell in love with, you shouldn’t change, especially for other member’s girlfriends.”

“You really think that I look as nice as they do?”

“I think you look better.”

“Now you’re just being kind,” you grinned, but Hobi’s head shook, pulling you away from the dresser. “I’ll wear this today, and then I’ll reconsider for the next time.”

He smiled gently, squeezing against your hips, “please don’t compare yourself to any of them, you’re special to me just as you are, alright?”

“I promise, no more comparisons, I’m done with it.”

Namjoon:

“Am I invisible?” You questioned across to Namjoon as yet again you were cut off as you tried to join the conversation.

“Well, I can see you,” he teased, but quickly stopped when he failed to see you smile. “I know she keeps interrupting you, but just don’t let it get to you.”

Your head shook, having done that now for several months. “It feels like I’m being pushed aside, everyone loves the fact someone new is around, I’m like a broken toy these days.”

“All of the boys adore you,” Namjoon assured you, intertwining his hand with yours. “Do you have any idea how often they talk about you and ask about you?”

Your shoulders shrugged innocently, “I bet it’s not as often as they ask about Hyomin, she seems to be the one in favour nowadays.”

“I’ll speak to them if they make you feel this way.”

“No, it’ll just make things worse.”

“Y/N, I don’t want you to feel this way,” he whispered, making sure no one else could hear. “If they knew you felt this way, I know that they’d all feel terrible about it.”

Your eyes glanced around the whole table, “let’s just see how things go, I don’t want to be that girlfriend who sounds like she’s jealous.”

“You’re insecure, there’s a difference Y/N.”

Jimin:

“Will Dayeon be there?” You called out to Jimin as he let you know a team dinner had been planned for the evening.

“Yeah, I expect so, Jin mentioned he’d ask her,” he responded, following your voice into the living room. “Why do you ask? Has something happened between the two of you?”

Your head shook, but as you fought back your tears, Jimin could tell there was more to it, sitting down beside you until you spoke. “I feel like a rookie girlfriend whenever I’m around her.”

“That’s nonsense,” he exclaimed, furrowing his brows. “Just because she’s been a part of our lives for a couple more years, doesn’t change the fact you’re a girlfriend too.”

Your eyes glanced across as he held underneath your chin. “I feel a bit like a new member who’s come in and spoiled a successful group sometimes.”

“You’ve not spoiled anything; you’ve only added to it.”

“You really think so?”

“Speak to Doyeon tonight, I promise you’ll see that she really enjoys having another girl with us now too,” Jimin instructed, “the two of you can bond over your terrible boyfriends.”

Slowly your smile began to reappear as Jimin continued to cheer you up. “My boyfriend isn’t terrible, but she’s with Jin, so she must be a little strange.”

“I can’t argue with that, she must be crazy.”

Taehyung:

“I don’t want to be here anymore,” you whispered into Taehyung’s ear as he leant across to peck your cheek.

“Are you not enjoying yourself?” He asked, to which you quickly shook your head, turning your body inwards to face him. “Talk to me, what’s going on?”

You sighed gently, “I can’t fit in, everyone else can-do things perfectly, but I’m not Korean. I’m fed up with making all these mistakes in front of people, I feel like I’m being judged.”

“This is about Chaemin again, isn’t it?” He asked of you, “I told you to stop comparing yourself to her, just because she’s Korean doesn’t change anything.”

Your head shook instantly in response. “You don’t understand, she can talk and do things that I can’t, I keep dropping my chopsticks for goodness sake.”

“We all do things like that from time to time, even as Koreans.”

“But not as frequently as me.”

“Perhaps not,” he admitted, “but if we all went to your home, we’d all look a fool too. Even Chaemin wouldn’t be as perfect as sometimes you think she is.”

The corners of your mouth turned up lightly as he held onto your hand. “Maybe one night I need introduce you all to my world a bit.”

“I think that’s a good idea, it’ll make you feel a lot better too.”

Jungkook:

“Y/N’s the youngest out of all of us, so maybe she should get the drinks,” Yoongi’s girlfriend called out to the table.

“That’s not fair,” Jungkook quickly interrupted, sensing the comment touched a nerve with you. “We’ll go together, I’ll give her a helping hand with them.”

The two of you stood up from the table, feeling Jungkook’s hand rest against the small of your back. “I’m fed up with feeling like a baby rather than a girlfriend with all of your friends Jungkook.”

“I’m sorry,” was all he could say as you reached the bar. “She thinks she’s being friendly; I don’t think she realises that her comments are upsetting you.”

You glanced between him and Yoongi’s girlfriend. “It just makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be here, like I’m not as good as anyone around the table.”

“If it helps, you’re easily my favourite person around the table.”

“You have to say that.”

“Maybe I do,” he chuckled, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “But I still wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. Maybe I can talk to Yoongi about it.”

Instantly, your head shook, “I don’t want her to think that I can’t cope, hopefully she’ll stop soon. I just need to treat as an initiation or something.”

“If it continues to make you unhappy, I’ll fix it.”

---

Masterlist

[midnightsconspiracy]

The Missing Piece

The Missing Piece - @midnightsconspiracy

Summary: Hank being jealous of your and Jay’s platonic relationship leads to a relationship of his own

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1801

Requested: Yes!!

‘I need some jealous hank pleeease 😩💖🙏🏻’

A/N: This is my least favourite thing I’ve written so far, I just feel like it doesn’t flow well but we move :)

I only have one request at the moment so send in as many as you like, trust me when I say this you are not ‘bothering’ or inconveniencing me at all, I love when people message me or send requests in. So don’t overthink it, just do it!!! :)

Masterlist

Your life always felt incomplete, like something was missing, but you could never put your finger on what the thing was. You had a modest apartment, a positive relationship with your family and a job with co-workers you absolutely adored. So what left did you have yet to find? Every having romantic relationships in the past left you feeling that way still, a void that could only be filled by a specific something, without knowing what it was. It was infuriating, finally feeling happy with your life but still, there was a piece of you missing, a bit that felt empty. But maybe you would find that something was nearer than you thought, and maybe that something was a someone.

The day started off as normal, getting up, making breakfast then heading out to start the day at your job in intelligence. Pulling into the car park you noticed Jay beside you, sitting In his car, reading something on his phone. Looking up as you got out of your car, he smiled, proceeding to also get out of his vehicle, greeting you just like he did each day. You walked into the district together and to the upstairs intelligence unit, talking about some recent gossip while having the same playful conversation, laughing with huge smiles on your faces. Once you had reached the unit’s floor, you both headed to the coffee machine, needing your caffeine fix before you started. Noticing that others already seemed to be deep in work, you closed the door behind you, hoping to keep as much noise in as possible. Drinking your coffee, you continued talking to Jay, putting off work for as long as possible and wanting to know anything new that could get from the man. Any time you conversed with him, it always had an unconsciously flirty undertone, not because you liked him that way, but because it was in both of your natures, not being able to turn it off specifically for each other. After a while, you still hadn't noticed that the coffee had been drunk already, the time having flown by, neither of you realising you should have started working ten minutes ago.

Unaware to you, Voight was in his office, working on some files from a case that had been passed down to him from people higher up, stress levels increasing with each sentence he read. The sound of yours and Jay’s conversation breached the walls, seeping into his office, making him angrier than he already was. ‘Why did you have to flirt with Jay all the time, was he not good enough for you?’ He thought to himself, the attraction he had for you clouding his mind. Clenching his jaw, he went back to reading his document, knowing when he thought about you too much it bought out his emotions, and that’s not what he needed right now. But he couldn’t help it when he heard your laugh, knowing it wasn’t caused by him, but instead Jay. That man was a damn good detective but also a bloody good flirt, and in Hank’s eyes that made him a threat. He wanted you badly, having liked you since you’d first joined the unit, although Jay was not the only thing in the way. The biggest problem was himself. He was so insecure, thinking that if he did eventually have the courage to ask you out, you would say no. It was just you were so much younger than him, and much better looking and just all these other things that made him think you were better suited to someone like Jay. However, that still didn’t stop him from getting angry when Jay was buttering you up. Suddenly, he stood up, not being able to stand hearing you and Jay in the room next door anymore. Swinging the break room door open, he stood in the doorway, a stern expression on his face. As soon as the door had open, you and Jay had turned towards the intrusion. Noticing it was just Voight, you both relaxed, thinking he was going to idly chat with two of his favourite detectives.

“Hey Sarg, there is some coffee leftover if you want some,” Jay started, not thinking anything of Hank’s expression, considering he usually had a scowl on. This set the flames alight as the detective completely overlooked the anger he held in his eyes.

“Both of you should be working by now! You’re ten minutes late to start and I don’t appreciate you spending that time In here having fun and joking when you both know damn well there is a case you could be helping to solve,” he shouted, not only startling you and Jay, but also your fellow detections who had looked up from where they were working away quietly.

“Sorry Voight, guess we didn’t realise that time had gone past so fast,” Jay tried to rationalise, not understanding why Voight was getting so aggravated for something that would usually just result in a slap on the wrist.

“Get to work, both of you. Plus you both know the rules about in house dating, so sort out whatever this is out immediately.” And before either of you could tell him otherwise, he had stomped back to his office, slamming the door shut in the process. Looking at Jay, you gave him a confused look, trying to figure out why your boss had come up with these conclusions as you returned to your desk.

Throughout the day, you noticed multiple strange things happening. Firstly, Jay refused to look at you at all, looking at the wall or ground anytime you would address the room or would look away as quickly as possible if you accidentally made eye contact. It was abnormal, to say the least, considering you at Jay were usually tied at the hip, spending a lot of time together, both inside and outside of work. It had started even before Voight had split you up and assigned everyone in the unit new partners. Maybe you had subconsciously annoyed him? That you didn’t know but you tried your best throughout the day to get him to even acknowledge you, but each time failing completely. The second strange thing was the looks you were getting from both Hank and Alvin as well as the looks they were giving each other. Anytime you would look up from your work, you would spot one of them staring intently at you, then quickly retreating to look at each other. The ones from Olinsky seemed to be those of intrigue as if they were trying to gauge your reaction. But the ones from Voight seemed different. How it was different you couldn’t really pinpoint, but it seemed to be more out of fondness and concern, but you couldn’t really be sure, barely seeing it before he looked away. God, what was it with all these men today? One not wanting to look at you at all, the others wanting to look at you all the time it seemed. Eventually, you and your new partner Olinsky were sent out to talk to some woman. Wanting to know if she was aware of the illegal activity her boyfriend was running. After receiving some useful information, you both got back in the car, settling in for the short car ride ahead. A couple of minutes into the drive you turned to him, adamant about getting answers on why these men had been unnecessarily watching you all day.

“Why do you and Voight keep looking at me?” You ask abruptly, wanting to catch him off guard so he would answer your damn question.

“You should speak to Voight in his office after shift.” He replied, the car falling back into silence for the rest of the journey.

The statement played on your mind for the rest of the day, but finally, you would get some answers as the shift came to a close. Waiting for everyone else to leave, you wrote your statement longhand, knowing it would eat more time up. As the last person left the room, you got up, walking into your boss' office, closing the door behind you. He looked at you as you entered, holding an undistinguishable expression on his face, despite the nervous disposition he held inside.

"Detective Y/LN, what can I do for you," he asked, looking down at his papers as if he didn't care, although his brain was screaming at him to do something!

"You keep looking at me." You bluntly stated, wanting to pull him out of his comfort zone and get the answers Olinsky wouldn't give you.

"You are my agent arent you? Therefore I am entitled to look at you." Gazing up at you, he stared into your pretty eyes, resisting the urge to just get up and kiss you.

"B-but, this is different. You keep glancing at me as if you have some sort of adoration for me," thinking he was going to look up and find a disgusted expression, he was surprised as he found nothing but a small smile upon your face.

"Maybe I do, but that doesn't matter though does it? Considering you are seeing Detective Halstead." Confusion, once again fell on your features, still not understanding why he thought this madness, you are Jay were merely just friends.

"Me and Jay? We're just- Wait what did you say? Y-you, feel for me?" The confused look on your face deepened, never thinking this would happen. You weren't unhappy by any means, thinking very fondly of the handsome Sergeant, but he was your boss so why would he go for someone like you when he could have Burgess or even Platt! Rounding his desk, he walked towards you, stopping at a comfortable distance, not too far, not too close.

"Do you deem that as a bad thing?" Stumbling on your words, you managed to mutter a 'no', as you looked back into his eyes, finding a warmness there that started filling that void inside you. Not thinking, you flung your arms around his neck, hugging him tightly, placing your head in the crook of his neck as you inhaled his scent. Maybe he was that missing piece?

"Jay and I are just friends and will always just be friends Hank," you told him, removing an arm from his neck to softly stroke his cheek. He gradually tightened his arms around your waist as you reassured him of the matter.

"So you would mind me doing this?" He asked, leaning down to capture your lips in a searing kiss, full of passion, portraying all the things he'd ever want to say to you.

Just as his wish had come true, yours had too, as that missing piece of you started to make its way back to you.

[bored-mumma]

Text Message Part Two - Chris Evans x Reader

MASTERLIST

PART ONE

TITLE: Text message CHAPTER NO/ONE SHOT: Chapter 2 WORD COUNT: 2104 (I got carried away) ORIGINAL IMAGINE: This by @theartofimagining13​ NOTES/WARNINGS: Swearing. Arguments. Gaslighting and toxic behavior. This is the final chapter for sure. Also I wrote this so quickly it just kind of flowered I bloody loved it. Maybe some proof-reading errors. 

Small patches of light crept in through your window, barely being blocked by the blinds. Birds sang their songs from outside, trees swayed gently in the breeze. Everything indicted a calm, warm morning. Except that was far from how things were for you.

Last night, you told your boyfriend, Chris, to not bother coming home if he's going to continue to accuse you and ask to check through your phone. And he didn’t come home. You stayed awake for a long time after getting home. By the time you calmed down, had a bubble bath and watched some TV, it was three in the morning and still no sign of Chris. With a sad sigh, you turned off the telly, rolled over and attempted some sleep.

Now it was nearly nine in the morning. You awoke with groggy eyes, feeling extremely deflated and your cheeks dry from the tears you shed last night. You weren't used to waking up in a cold bed alone. Usually, Chris would awake first. He would roll over, wrap his arms around your waist and gently wake you with his warmth and kisses to your cheek. It was a wake-up call you always adored, no matter what time it would be. But today just felt cold and lonely.

Sitting up, you reached to grab your phone from your bedside table, your stomach turning as you remember more of the argument from the night before. Half of you hoped you would see some messages from Chris, maybe some missed calls. Something to tell you he was sorry and saw the error of his ways. But as you scrolled through all your notifications, you realised there was nothing from him. You debated whether or not to be the bigger person, to text him first and apologise but your stubborn side came out to play before you could - you technically didn't have anything to apologise for! He was the overly jealous one. He was the one who ruined nearly every date you had with his accusations. He was the one who wanted to breach your privacy. You were nothing less than a faithful girlfriend who fell in love with a man with a lot of emotional baggage.

That morning dragged like crazy. You took a shower to try and clear your mind, even ordered in your favourite breakfast from the diner down the street. But your mind always wandered back to Chris. You realised you weren't even sure where he stayed! Was he safe? Just as panic was starting to flow through you, your phone pinged.

Can we talk?

Chris had text you first. Part of you was so happy he did. Maybe that meant he realised he was the one in the wrong and therefore he was the one who had to make the first move to make it right! The other part of you hated the vague words of the message. Can we talk? Does that mean Chris wants to make things better or... No, no it must mean he wants to make everything better. You two were an amazing couple, fully infatuated with each other. It just Chris' insecurity got in the way sometimes. You felt for him and the heartbreak he must have felt when he discovered his ex-fiancée was having an affair with his best friend and you understood how that would affect his ability to trust. But this was getting too much for you to handle. He was right. You guys needed to have a nice long, good talk.

You text him back asking what time he could come home and he replied saying he can be there in twenty minutes. You pottered around as you waited. Made some tea for you both, quickly did some tidying, basically did what you could to try and not overthink what you will say to Chris. However, before you knew it, you heard a key in the door and Chris stepping inside. You walked over to see him and the two of you stared at each other for a moment.

"Hi." He said at last.

"Hello." You replied. The air felt awkward and thick. You hated it. "Take a seat, I made you some tea." You scurried out into the kitchen as Chris made himself comfortable. You took your time grabbing the tea, your heart was beating like crazy from nerves. You didn't know what you wanted to say. All you knew, was you desperately wanted things to change. You were so unhappy and that wasn't fair for you! You came back into the living room with the tea to see Chris sitting on the armchair, still wearing his coat and shoes indicating he doesn't plan on staying for very long.

"Thank you," He said, taking his mug. "Look, we need to talk about what happened last night." He sounded quiet, his voice hoarse. As you listened, you noticed the bags under his eyes and how his clothes, the ones he was wearing last night, were all dishevelled, like he slept in them. "This is not how I want my relationship to go," He continued. "I love you. I just... I struggle to trust you. Which is my problem! I know that! And I'll work on that. But you have to meet me in the middle here."

"Meet you in the middle?" You asked, shaking your head slightly with confusion. Chris took a deep breath before he explained.

"I feel like it's unfair you wouldn't let me have your phone last night." He said it like it was so obvious. It took all your strength not to interrupt him, telling him to stop talking before he starts pissing you off. "I mean, I let you use mine all the time. You know I have trust issues, I was just asking for a little help to deal with that."

"I shouldn't have to give up my privacy to help you with your issues." You said, a little more harshly than you intended. "How about couples therapy? Get through this without breaking any boundaries." You tried to reason but it became clear that was not a good route to take. Chris stood and started to pace around the chairs.

"Why do you need privacy from me? I'm your boyfriend! We don't need to waste our time at therapy. All I'm asking is for one simple thing. You can look through mine and I'll look through yours." He stood in front of you now, his frame towered over yours which was still sat on the chair. "You wonder why I get so jealous or - or possessive and then go pull some bullshit like last night!"

"I didn't pull any bullshit!" You said, standing up to meet Chris' harsh gaze. "I asked you to sort your shit out. What about this screams like a good relationship to you Chris? The yelling, the accusations, the constant checking up on me!"

"I don't check up on you." He looked at you like you were mad.

"You call me about fifty thousand times a day, Chris. Which I wouldn't mind so much if you didn't get neurotic every time I accidentally missed a call or took too long to answer a message." You felt tears start to sting your eyes as you finally allowed all your frustrations out, voice getting louder with each word. Usually, you would just try and help Chris in any way you could but no more. No more would you roll over and let him have his way. "You're controlling and jealous all the god-damn time Chris and I can't cope with it anymore!"

The two of you stood still, staring at each other. Both knowing what was coming, neither wanting to be the one to do it. Eventually, you took the jump.

"I don't..." You swallowed, trying hard to not let too much emotion out. You knew if you did, you would break down crying. "I don't think this is working anymore, Chris." You looked away, not bearing to watch the tears that were starting to drop from his eyes. He stepped closer to you so that your bodies were touching. You could smell his cologne, feel his warmth. My God you loved him. "I think our time together is done." You felt his hand under your chin, two fingers holding it and tilting your head so you looked up at him. Using his other hand, he brushed some hair from your face. You felt the familiar tingle on your skin where he touched you. Even after all this time together, he still made you giddy. You stared at him in the eyes as he held you.

"Who is he?" He whispered.

Your head span when he asked. What? What the hell? Who's who? You realised what he meant. Even now, he thinks there's someone else. Even when his possessiveness has pushed you so far to the edge you had no choice but to jump. He still believed your heart belonged to another. You realised right then, nothing will ever make him believe you. You could stand here and rip your chest open, bleeding out as you gave him your heart and he would still tell you it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. His trauma was too much for you to handle anymore and it was finally time to start putting yourself first again.

"I know you probably won't believe me Chris, but I need you to listen to me." You took his face in your hands, making sure to make strong eye contact as you spoke. "I love you. No one else, ok? Never anyone else. I was faithful. I was strong. I loved you more than I thought I ever could." The tears started to fall from both your eyes at a much quicker pace. "None of the incredible things that have happened to me in the past few years would have happened to me without you. I owe you for that. But I owe myself to be happy too." You used your thumb to wipe away some of the tears from his cheeks. "I love you. So much. But we need to end. I can't do this anymore." Chris took your hands in his. He pressed his lips against them both as a way to muffle his cries. "I'm so sorry." You sobbed. "I'm sorry Chris. I wish I was strong enough to keep going but I'm not. I love you."

Chris dropped your hands and grabbed your face, bringing it towards him as he hurriedly captured your lips in a breath-taking kiss. He held you close to him, your kiss becoming salty as your tears mixed on your tongues. He tasted of his usual toothpaste along with some of the tea he barely touched. His hair felt soft as you ran one of your hands through it, using the other to grab his coat and pull him closer. When the need for air became too much, you pulled away, chest rising and falling as you both tried to catch your breath. You stared at him, debating whether this was the right choice. You loved him so much your heart hurt. But what came next... you knew you made the right decision.

"Does he kiss you like that?"

Your mouth dropped at those words. Nothing would ever change. You walked away from him, picking up his keys from the table and handing them over to him.

"I'm at work tomorrow, I'll make sure your stuff is packed and ready for you to collect whilst I'm out." You muttered. You had cried too much all ready for a relationship that died months ago. You refused to cry anymore. Chris took the keys from your grip and stared at you. His jaw twitched. Clearly words were trying to escape from his lips but he wouldn't let them. You had never seen Chris like this. You couldn't tell what he was feeling. But that was no longer your problem.

"I hope he breaks your heart like you did mine," Chris said at last. When you didn't reply, Chris let out a dry laugh before walking out of your home. For the very last time.

You finally allowed yourself raw emotions. You collapsed onto your sofa, hands scrunched over your face as you bellowed, cries echoing off the walls. You could feel your heart breaking in two as you realised he would never hold you again. That you would never wake up to his hugs, that would never taste his lips on yours again. But it was for the best. You deserved someone who would trust you and that someone, sadly, would not be Chris Evans. No matter how much you loved him, he was not the man you were destined to be with.

A/N: Oh I’m sorry you wanted a happy ending? We don’t do that here.

[tamakissimp]

senario- selfhate comfort

request: @uhhh-i-like-yaoi​ : Hihiiiii! I loved your last comfort post! Could I have the same bois comforting a female reader who is crying because she doesn’t feel pretty? Tysm!

a/n: ahhh yes. I love writing comfort pieces. I added in some other boys because I ✨felt like it✨

warnings: body issues, insecurity, lack of self confidence

BAKUGOU:

wordcount: 544

The image in the mirror is almost mocking you. The way your own body seems to taunt your mind and pull you into its darkest corners is scary. Scratch that, it's terrifying. You know that the healthy thing to do is to look away. But you can't. Your eyes are fixated on all your flaws. You're so busy with pulling yourself apart from that you don't notice the tears starting to roll down your cheeks.

People often talked about how Bakugou was out of your league. You knew that being with someone as handsome as him you quickly learn that, and most of the times their harmful words don't phase you. But maybe you are a little bit more tired today. Maybe you're feeling a bit more down. You don't know what it is, but those mean words seem to get past your defence and straight into your heart today.

You clasp your hand over your mouth in an attempt to muffle the sound of your crying. Even now, with shaking shoulder and blurry vision, all you can think about is how ugly you like while crying. "Idiot!".

Normally you would whisp your head around at the gruff voice but not today. "Are you there?" Bakugou asks. A set of knocks on your door follows. Normally you would welcome him with open arms but not today. What if he saw you like this? He would think you're weak. Weak. Pathetic. Ugly. Awful. Disgusting.

Another sob wrecks through your body. Bakugou's body stiffens at the sound. His blood runs cold. Without a second thought, he rips the door open. The sight of you, standing in front of the mirror while sobbing makes his heart ache. "Teddybear?". His voice is softer.

You hold your arms open for him. He takes the note and walks over to you before pulling you into a bone-crushing hug. He pets your hair as you sobs seem to get worst. Bakugou mumbles sweet nothings in your ear. All you can do is cling onto him. "What's going on, teddy bear?" he asks.

it takes you a moment before you can reply. Every time you open your mouth to speak another sob wrecks through your body. "I'm ugly," you finally manage to speak. You can feel Bakugou shake his head against your shoulder.

"I-I'm ugly and disgusting and you shouldn't b-be with me," you say. You expect Bakugou to agree with you. You expect him to pull away from you, laugh at you before walking out of your room. But he doesn't.

His arms stay wrapped around you, his grip becoming even tighter as he nuzzles into your neck. "No," he says. You want to disagree but he beats you to speak. "You're pretty. Gorgeous even. And I don't say that to everyone, idiot. You're too good for me.".

"I'll show you," Bakugou says. "I'll show you how pretty you are. I'll teach you how to love yourself....Idiot.". You smile softly. His heart does summersaults as he feels you smile against his shoulder. You nod.

"Okay," you mumble. "Okay. T-teach me how to l-love myself.".

SHOTO:

wordcount: 506

You hate yourself for feeling so down. You hate yourself for not being able to be there for Shouto. You know he needs you. He has more reasons to be self-conscious. Though his face looks like it's sculpted by the gods, the scar that taints his skin is one of his most prominent features.

"Are you alright?" Shouto's calm voice asks. You nod your head. Wrong. You feel bad for lying to him but you don't want to burden him with your problems. Shouto nods. On the outside, he looks fine but he is beating himself up mentally.

He has noticed your distance and he can only fear for the worse. Maybe his biggest fear is becoming reality. That you're planning on breaking up with him, that you're done with dealing with someone as broken as him.

All Shouto does is wrap his arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to him as you both lay in his bed. You stiffen under his touch. The feeling of his hands running up and down your skin only makes you more self-conscious. Shouto's brows furrow at your action.

"Spit it out," he says. You don't know what it is about his voice, but all of a sudden your eyes fill up with tears. Shouto remains silent until he feels something wet hitting his shirt. He looks down at you only to find you silently crying. He immediately pulls you tighter against him.

"I'm sorry,” you say in between silent sobs. "Fuck, I'm sorry.". Shouto shakes his head as he sits up a bit straighter. He rocks the two of you slightly in an attempt to comfort you.

He's still socially awkward but you're teaching him how to deal with emotions, which includes how to comfort someone. He uses your tips as he searches his mind for anything he did that might upset you. He rubs his hands up and down your back, strokes your hair while sushing you softly.

"Do you...want to break up with me?". His voice cracks at the end of the sentences. He can't imagine a world without but he would rather break up than be in an unhappy relationship. Relief washes through him as you shake your head.  

"No, never," you say. You stay silent for a moment. It's best to just rip the bandaid off quickly. "I'm ugly.". The moment the words leave your lips, violent sobs wreck through your body. Shouto stays quiet which you take as he agrees with you.

You pry yourself out of his arms and beeline towards the door. Shouto stops you, though. His hand wraps around your wrist before he spins you around, pulling you into his chest. You fight against him but to no avail.

"Never, ever, say that again," he says. His voice isn't cold like it normally is. "You're beautiful. Inside and out. I know you won't believe me but please do.". All you do is nod against his chest as you run a hand through his two coloured hair. "Please believe me,".

TOKOYAMI:

wordcount: 360

You and Fumikage often talk about your insecurities. Being with someone who's quirk affects their body as much as Fumikage's quirk does, conversations like that start easily. Normally, the two of you will lay on his bed, limbs intertwined while venting out your feelings. So this time is no exception.

Dark shadow lays on the feet end of the bed, his cold fingers running up and down your calves while Fumikage's warm arms encircle your body. Your fingers run over his feathers. You have no clue what he does to them but they always feel like satin between your fingers. "I'm ugly," you blurt out.

The comforting circles Fumikage was once rubbing on your skin now stop. Dark shadows grip on your calves tightens a little. Sure, these sort of thoughts aren't weird to be shared but that didn't make them any easier to hear. "How come?". 

You shrug. You push your face even further against his chest prompting him to resume rubbing your skin. "Look at my face. Look at my body. I'm ugly," you say. It hurts Fumikage how easily you say those words.

In his eyes, you're an angel. Everything you do is a gift from the gods. Yet you have no problem with tearing yourself down. Though he can't judge since he has the same habits. "You are not," he says. You take a deep breath while waiting for him to continue.

"You're beautiful," Fumikage says. "While my words might not affect you now, I do hope that you can one day see yourself through my eyes. I hope that you will see how beautiful you are, my love.". A soft smile spreads against your lips. 

Dark shadow removes its hands from your calf and nuzzles his cheek against it instead. "You talk like an old man.". Even though your tone is happy, Fumikage can sense the sadness laced through it. 

"You love how I talk," he says. You nod. You lean up and press a hast kiss against his beak. Behind his feathers, a blush warms his cheeks. 

"Thank you," you say. "I hope one day you see how handsome you are too, birdman.".

KIRISHIMA:

wordcount: 787

Normally, you didn't feel like this. Being in a relationship with Kirishima meant that he became your personal hypeman. He took any opportunity he got to compliment you and boost your confidence. Lately, however, the UA has been dishing out heaps of homework and training got more intense. This left little time for you two to spend together. You didn't mind, of course not. You support Kirishima's dream of becoming a hero and you knew it would be like this eventually. You just haven't gotten used to it.

For the umpteenth time this week, you find yourself standing in front of your mirror. A rational person would walk away from the mirror. You aren't a rational person though. Instead, you try on every piece of clothing you own that is even remotely tight fitting. Seeing how the fabric clings to your body, extenuating every lump, dent and curve.

You sigh as you run your hands over your body. Feeling your thighs, arms, stomach. All disgust you to a degree you didn't know was possible. A voice in the back of your head is screaming all your imperfections at you. Your face isn't symmetrical enough. Your stomach isn't flat enough. Your collarbones aren't prominent enough. Everything is wrong.

Tears well up in your eyes as you keep hyper-focusing on every flaw. You want to stop, god you do. To smash the mirror to pieces and spit on it. But you can't. Instead, you can only think about Kirishima's friends.

They're kind, sweet, helpful, hero's in training. The only thing bad about them is how perfect you are. It's hard to not compare yourself to them when they're all models. Momo has legs for days, Bakugou has muscles that you could never have, Iida is as smart as they come, Mina can make every outfit look good, Denki has enough charisma for ten people.

Sobs slowly wreck trough your body. You clasp a hand over your mouth. You stare at your own face in the mirror. Red eyes, wobbling chin, swollen cheeks. Even your crying has flaws.

"Pebble," you hear a voice behind your call. Your blood runs cold as you wipe around. You were too busy with pulling yourself apart that you didn't notice Kirishima entering your room. His eyes are drooping and his smile slowly falling. he holds a small bag in his hand. You can see the feet of a teddy bear and your favourite snacks sticking out of it. A surprise date, how sweet.

You shake your head as you make grabby hands towards him. Kirishima drops the bag and runs over to you, pulling you tightly against him. Your sobs grow tenfold now that you're in his arms. He pushes you as he softly pats your hair. "Let it all out, baby," he whispers.

His strong arms envelop you like a blanket. His cinnamony scent brings you comfort. You always thought he smelt like chai tea. After you told him that, he started drinking chai more. You smile at the memory. Your smile drops, however, once you feel his hands travelling over your body.

"Please talk to me," he says. "What's going on?". Kirishima's heart is breaking. Seeing you in this state makes him rack through his mind to find anything he could have done wrong.

"I'm ugly," you croak out before another sob wrecks through you. He stiffens. He curses at himself for not noticing your insecurities sooner. Normally, he was there to brighten your mood and build your confidence up. Normally. But he hasn't seen you as much as normally.

You push yourself further into his chest, hoping to disappear. "I'm ugly, and- and I'm gross," you say. "And I don't k-know why you're with me. B-Because you're handsome a-and kind and sweet and I-I'm none of that. You s-should just break-".

"No," he says sternly. He doesn't let you finish that sentence. He doesn't want you to. "No, I won't. Don't ever think I will.". Kirishima pulls you off him slightly so that he can look into your eyes. He cups your cheeks while brushing away your tears with his thumbs.

You sniffle but melt into his touch. "You aren't ugly, okay? Say it for me. Come on, say it," he urges you. You nod.

"I'm not-I'm not ugly," you say softly. He nods before puling your to him again and places a kiss on your crone. "I'm not ugly," you say again before silent sobs shake your shoulders.

"I'm just going to have to show you, yeah, pebble?" Kirishima says. You nod against him. Your hand travels up and laces through his hair. Even now, when you're crying your eyes out, you're still trying to comfort him. "I'll show you.".

TAMAKI:

wordcount: 774

Tamaki is invisible. It's something he learned to do over the years and now he can't stop doing it. Hiding in the shadows, his presence unknown to people. People tend to look over him and that's the way he likes it. Being in the big three, however, makes him seen. It makes him stand out like a sore thumb and his shyness draws ever more attention towards him.

Due to this, your relationship has become quite known around the school. And with that people tend to talk about you, gossip about you. You tuned it out most of the time. But when people gossip about you, it's hard not to listen to it.

"I mean, yeah, Tamaki is a total cutie," you hear some girl say. You don't even bother looking at her. You just try extra hard to focus on the homework your working on.

"Right?" her friend chimes in. "I don't know why he's with Y/n. Probably out of pitty. He's sweet like that.".

No. Don't listen to them. Tamaki loves you, you know that. He tells you that every day. He might not be physically affectionate but-

"I don't know. Y/n is just kind of...ugly?". Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Goddammit. Fucking fuck. "I didn't think they would ever be with someone.".

With that, you stand up. You don't even bother taking your stuff along with you. You doubt that anyone would be interested in stealing your homework or stationary. You can't even look at the gossiping students as you walk past them. Just get to your dorm, that's the plan. If you walk fast you can be there on less than three minutes.

You keep your gaze down as you fight back the tears. You can't cry in the hallways. That weird and ugly. "Bunny?". You lookup. Tamaki is standing at the end of the hallway, next to Mirio. He waves shyly at you. His goofy smile drops as he sees your pained expression. You strud over to him.

Are you breaking up with him? Did he do something wrong? Did you finally realize how much of a useless ball of shyness he is? His thoughts are running wild and worse case scenarios are popping up in his head.

His mind stops when your arms wrap around him. You two never hug in public. It's too scary for Tamaki, too stressful. But now that he feels your shoulders shake and your breath hitch all he can do is pull yours against him. Your hand travels up and plays with his hair while his arms wrap tightly around your middle.

"Am I ugly?" you ask, breaking the silence. Tamaki shakes his head against you, his hair tickling your neck. "’Cuz it feels like it.". His heartbreaks. You're always there to comfort him, to help him when he's on the brink of a panic attack. Now he has to be there for you.

"No, b-bunny," he says softly. His voice soothes you in a way you didn't imagine it would. "You're so p-pretty.". His words are few but you don't care. You know it's already bold that you come to him like this in public. Normally, you would only cling onto him in the comfort of his own dorm.

While he says little, he does comfort you. His touch ground you. The way his strong arms encircle you and warm you up. You press your nose into his neck. His hair feels silky smooth between your fingers. "I'm not," you say.

You feel awful for dropping your feelings onto him like this but you don't know what else to do. Tamaki is the person you go to for comfort, for love. "Who m-made you feel l-like this?" he asks.

You just shake your head as another sob wrecks to you. You muffle the sound by pressing into him. To bystanders, it just looks like a longlasting hug and not like your crying your eyes out.

Tamaki already knows the answer. He would be lying to say that he didn't hear the rumours as well. He hates it. Not just the attention but the bad things being said about you. That you're only with him because he's in the big three. That you aren't pretty enough for him, strong enough for him. He hears them all.

"W-wanna go... to...um..y-your room?" Tamaki asks. You nod. He places a kiss onto your forehead. Your heart warms up at the bold move. You swift so that one of his arms is now swung over your shoulder while the other is holding your hand. You hum softly at the comforting touch. "I-I think that...you're pretty," Tamaki says.

SHINSO:

wordcount: 435

While Shinso tends to be grumpy to others, he never is to you. He treats you with an unknown kindness. He touches you like your made of glass. And you do the same with him. You lean into his touch. You aren't afraid to answer his questions and you never saw him as a villain.

Due to your close bond, you two share your insecurities. It's normal for one of you to barge into the others dorm and just rant out their feelings. Which is how you find yourself here, walking through the halls with pathetic desperation. You don't even bother knocking once you reach Shinso's room. You just rip the door open.

Shinso can immediately tell that you're feeling down. Maybe it's the way your drag your feet more. Maybe it's the way you don't give him a 'hey nice to see you again' kiss. Or maybe it's the fat tears dripping down your cheeks. "I'm gonna talk," you say.

Shinso just nods. He pushes his chair away from his desk. You get the hint and walk over to him, plopping into his lap. His fingers immediately start rubbing circles on your arms.

"I'm ugly," you say. Shinso's heart stops for a second. This was going to be painful for him to hear. "I'm ugly and disgusting. And I-I'm sick of pretending I'm not. Y-You always say I'm p-pretty but I know y-you're lying. I'm not. And-And that's okay.".

You drop your head to let it rest against Shino's shoulder. He just shakes his head. He waits a minute for you to speak again and when you don't he does.

"You aren't ugly, kitty cat," Shinso says. You smile at the pet name. "You're as pretty as they come. Fuck everyone who tells you you're not. Fuck. Them.".

"You're out of my league," you say. Shinso shakes his head. One of his hands moves up to pet your head softly.

"Bullshit. I'm a fucking piece of shit villi-" he says. You lay a finger of his mouth to stop the word from being said. You lift your head and look at him. Even though your crying and your vision is blurry, you cup his face.

You shake your head. "Don't," you say. "Don't so that.". Shinso leans into your touch. It's selfish to treasure your touch in a situation like this but he can't help himself.

"Then you can't say that you're ugly," he says. You close your eyes before leaning your forehead against his. He feels you nod against him. A soft smile spreads over his normally stoic lips.

"Deal," you whisper out.

[eliemo]

Kiss Me (Before I Set the World on Fire)

Summary: Virgil should have told Roman why it bothered him so much. He would have understood. He should have known staying silent would just lead to something far worse.

Taglist: @the-blue-recluse @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess (let me know if you want to be added)

“Oh my god, what now?”

Virgil forced himself not to flinch at the exasperation in Roman’s tone, instead crossing his arms and forcing himself to match the Prince's glare.

“What? I literally didn’t say anything.”

“Exactly!” Roman stood, reaching over to pause the recording. “You’re just sitting here sulking! Come on, Charlie Frown, why are you so against this video?”

Virgil sighed, running a hand over his face, wishing they could just drop the whole thing and disappear under the covers of Roman’s bed, letting everything but the two of them fade away for the rest of the day.

But apparently, Roman had gotten it into his head that he and Virgil needed to film some sort of “couples video” for Thomas’s channel and had spent the last week begging Logan to talk Thomas into it.

It wasn’t that Virgil was completely against the idea. It was hard to be completely against anything when he was doing it with Roman. It was just...they’d only been dating a little over a month, both still fighting to work around their own fears and insecurities to make things work, and Virgil wasn’t sure how he felt about putting their new dynamic out in the open for the whole world to see.

That, and the fact that today was just a bad day. It wasn’t anything unusual- just one of those days where Virgil’s anxiety wouldn’t leave him alone, exhausted brain running on overdrive. Paranoia and racing thoughts had kept him up most of the night, but he’d been careful not to mention anything in an attempt to not ruin Roman’s good mood.

Seemed he’d managed to do that anyway.

“Because I just...don't know how I feel about it,” he said. “I mean, come on. Is anyone actually gonna care that we’re together?”

“Of course they will!”

“But...why can’t we just casually mention it in passing?” Virgil asked. “Why do we have to make a video about it at all? Does it have to be this big of a deal?”

Truthfully, Virgil had to constantly keep himself from telling every single person in the entire world how happy he was, how incredible it was that he and Roman had gotten together. A part of him, the part not ruled by crippling fear, wanted the entire world to see how perfect they were together, wanted to shout it from the rooftops and make an entire series declaring his undying love.

But the reality of the situation was that they weren’t perfect.

Roman was, of course. He was...he was Roman. He was the Prince, he was Thomas’s creativity, elegant and beautiful and kind.

And Virgil was...Virgil. He was anxiety and doubt, dark, gloomy, and scared, and all he did was drag everyone back.

He and Roman weren’t perfect, happy as they were together, simply because Virgil was there. Nothing was perfect when he was involved. He just...he tainted it.

Somehow though, Roman overlooked that. Roman loved him, and they made it work.

But not everyone else was going to see it that way. Not everyone was going to turn away from his flaws. People would see him and Roman together, see how much better Roman deserved, and they wouldn’t be afraid to say something.

And Roman...Roman did deserve better. And if enough people pointed out how awful Virgil was, made convincing enough arguments for why Prince should leave...maybe he’d decide they were right.

“It wasn’t a big deal until you made it one,” Roman shot back, and cold panic began to curl in Virgil’s gut at the bite in his tone. “Jeez, what’s your deal?”

Virgil knew full well that if he told Roman the real reason he was uneasy about the idea, if he’d asked for just a few days to unwind and rest and hopefully avoid the panic attack he could already feel building up, he would back off immediately and offer any help he could.

But Virgil still wasn’t great at asking for help.

“Because it’s a stupid idea!” God, why couldn’t he just control himself? “Sorry I don’t want to sit here for ten minutes listening to you- you- brag and shit!”

Roman barked a laugh, the sound humorless. “Brag? Right, that’s what I’ll do. Brag about my boyfriend who refuses to let anyone do anything fun.”

“Fun? How is this fun? It’s just gonna be you talking about yourself and how much more romantic you are, or whatever. No one cares, Princey. It’s just gonna turn out dumb and awkward.”

Something far too close to real hurt flashed in Roman’s eyes, the argument taking on a dangerous edge, but it was quickly squandered by something darker.  

“I don’t just talk about myself.”

Virgil scoffed, hating himself more and more every minute. “Yeah, sure.”

“Well, what am I supposed to talk about?” Roman demanded, too loud, too close to genuine anger. “You? All you do is sulk and mope around and make me miserable!”

Virgil winced at the harsh words, falling silent and watching warily as Roman paced. He knew Roman could have a temper sometimes, knew his rants were mostly just for the sake of dramatics.

But...well, he did have every right to be truly upset this time.

“I mean seriously!” The prince continued. “Forgive me for actually being excited about an idea! I just wanted to make a video about being in love, but I should have realized you would just ruin it!”

The words were met with heavy silence, Virgil’s throat suddenly too tight to form a reply, Roman’s anger sitting heavy on his chest.

The Prince sighed, running a hand through his hair, but he didn’t look any less unhappy. “I shouldn’t...ignore that. I shouldn’t have said that.”

He wondered if Roman meant Virgil ruining things, or that he was in love with him. He couldn’t bring himself to ask.

Roman quickly answered his question. “Yeah, this...this isn’t gonna work, is it?”

The panic building up was suddenly replaced with sickening, ice cold fear.

Roman...Roman didn’t mean…?

“I don’t know why I thought this could be a good idea,” the Prince said. “Not when you can’t stop arguing with me for two seconds.”

Oh, god. Oh god, he was. “Wait, Ro--”

“What?” Roman snapped, turning on him all at once, gaze intense and expectant. “What, Virgil? What is it?”

Virgil flinched, frantically trying to think of a response, for any way to repair the damage he’d done today.

But...but if Roman didn’t think the two of them could work, if he’d realized how much better he deserved...wouldn’t he just get more upset if Virgil selfishly tried to get him to stay?

He wanted them to work. More than anything. For a while, he’d really thought they could.

But if Roman ended it now, if he left Virgil alone (After all, Virgil deserved to be alone, didn’t he?) it would break him. Virgil didn’t know what he was supposed to do.

He opened his mouth to say as much, not sure how to stop himself, wanting to beg and plead Roman to forgive him, to give him one more chance.

But the panic and nausea were making it impossible to force any words out, that dark, awful voice in his head screaming that he didn’t deserve to ask Roman to stay.

And Roman apparently took that as an answer, shoulders dropping as he scoffed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’re not even gonna bother.”

“Roman...that’s not…”

“No, it’s fine!” The words were cold and biting. “Seriously, all good! See? You got your way. Again. It’s done. It’s over. That’s what you wanted, right?”

Over. Over, it was...god no, no no Roman was going to leave. He couldn’t lose him. He couldn’t.

“Roman, I- I didn’t want—“

“Whatever, Virgil.” Roman scooped up the camera before stalking over to the door and holding it open. “If you don’t mind? I’d like to be alone so I can continue bragging about myself. I’m sure you’re ecstatic to get away from all that.”

“Roman...Ro, please, I didn’t mean—“

“Get out, Virgil.”

Virgil felt numb. Slowly, unable to look up and see Roman’s face twisted in hatred, he pushed himself away from the table they’d stationed themselves at, and stepped away, everything achingly silent except for Prince’s heavy breathing.

Virgil didn’t even bother walking to the door, not even sure he could stay upright that long. He just sunk out, and as the floor disappeared under him, he wondered if he would ever be welcomed back in Roman’s room.

His own bedroom was frigid, dark, and empty, and Virgil almost felt like he was being sent to a prison cell with how gloomy it looked.

It suited him, he supposed. Dark and brooding and...and alone.

Had...had he and Roman just…

“This isn’t going to work, isn’t it?”

They hadn’t fought like that in months. It had stopped some time before they’d gotten together, but today it was like all their progress had been undone.

Virgil had done that. Virgil had single handedly ruined the best thing that ever happened to him. All because he couldn’t keep his stupid mouth shut.

Roman finally realized Virgil had never changed. That Virgil would only bring him down, make him miserable.

And so he’d left him.

“I don’t know why I thought this could be a good idea!”

Virgil couldn’t move from where he stood in the middle of his room, everything far away and cold. He felt himself sink to the floor, felt the first few tears slip down his face before he began to sob.

Everything was falling apart. The world was crashing down around him, his own crying, loud, obnoxious, pathetic wails that bounced across his walls piercing to his own ears, bile rising up in his throat.

Roman was right. Virgil ruined everything. No wonder he made Creativity so miserable.

Virgil decided he’d actually rather leap out a window than join the others for dinner that night. He wasn’t even sure he could if he wanted to.

He hadn’t moved from the floor for what had to be a couple of hours at least, shaking and sobbing and viciously tearing his nails through the carpet.

By the time he’d cried himself out, he’d been far too exhausted to even consider moving, curled up on his side staring blankly at the light from the bottom of the door.

Patton had knocked some time later, cheerfully informing the anxious side that dinner was ready. It was only after a few moments of silence, when Patton’s voice grew worried and his knocking turned almost frantic, that Virgil forced himself to speak and claim he wasn’t hungry.

“You feeling ok?” Patton had asked, gentle and caring as ever. “Do you want me to bring you something? I can send Roman to--”

“No, Patton.” He hadn’t meant to snap, his disgust with himself only growing to an unbearable ache, but even just the Prince’s name threatened to bring a fresh wave of sobs to the surface. “I- I’m fine, Pat.”

Patton had mercifully left him alone after that, not prying after the wobble in his voice but promising to leave a plate in the fridge for whenever he wanted.

Virgil wondered how Roman was doing. If he even missed him at all. It was doubtful, he’d made a decision but...what they’d had was good. It had been. At least while it lasted.

They’d only been together a little over a month, but Virgil honestly wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do without Roman now.

He loved him. He loved him so much. He hadn’t really been able to convince himself he could deserve happiness like this until Roman proved otherwise, literally scooping him off his feet and showing him just how wrong he was.

And he’d let him think that maybe...maybe he was helping Roman too. Maybe slowly, they could both bring out the best in each other.

And Virgil had managed to undo all of that in one day. All because he couldn’t suck it up and keep his stupid mouth shut for one minute.

Eventually, when the sky darkened and the mindscape was quiet, Virgil dragged himself off the floor, changed into sweats, pulled his hood over his head, and crawled into bed.

It felt cold and empty without Roman’s arms around him.

Virgil buried himself in the blankets, hugging his pillow close to his chest, not bothering to try and stop his crying. He deserved to be miserable, didn’t he? He’d certainly put everyone else through enough misery for a lifetime.

He wondered if Roman would even talk to him after tonight, or if the Prince would just shut Virgil’s existence out completely.

Maybe things would go back to how they used to be, the two of them practically enemies, Roman treating Anxiety like the villain he’d always known he was.

In the end, Virgil supposed it didn’t really matter how he was treated now. He’d lose Roman either way.

He’d felt heartbreak through Thomas, of course, more than once. But this...this was so much different. So much worse.

It was heavy, a weight sitting on his chest, restraining him, keeping him pinned down until he couldn’t breathe. And it hurt. It hurt worse than anything he’d ever known.

Coupled with the panic that hadn’t gone away, Virgil was left a crying, trembling mess in his bed.

He stayed like that until what had to be nearly one in the morning, unable to fall asleep, the hours passing by in meaningless blurs, breath catching when he heard the doorknob turn.

Virgil went very still, careful to keep his ragged breathing quiet and shallow, hoping that whoever it was would just hurry up and go away.

He didn’t have the energy to explain to Patton or Logan what had happened. He didn’t think he knew how to say it aloud.

“I know you’re awake, Virgil.”

That was Roman’s voice, the Prince standing in the dark entryway, and Virgil felt blinding panic reach up and seize his heart.

“Come on,” Roman said, and while he didn’t sound as angry as he had that afternoon, he certainly didn’t sound happy. “Are you going to keep pouting or can we talk?”

Virgil didn’t answer, didn’t move from where he lay with his face against the pillow, but he listened as Roman sighed and slowly made his way over to the bed.

What more could Roman possibly have to say?

Virgil kept his eyes shut, refusing to cause Roman any guilt by breaking down in front of him. He felt the mattress dip as the Prince lowered himself on the edge of the bed.

“Look--”

“I’m sorry,” Virgil said before Roman could finish. “I...I’m sorry. For ruining it.”

It was followed by a string of heavy silence that stretched on an unbearably long time, and Virgil could practically feel Roman’s eyes on him.

“Don’t be,” Roman said eventually. “And you didn’t. I didn’t mean to...it was gonna end that way eventually, right?”

Virgil froze, remembering the yelling, the awful fight he’d caused that had pushed Roman to his breaking point.

Roman had just...expected that?

“It...it was?”

“I mean, probably,” Roman said, with an air of nonchalance that hurt worse than any amount of shouting could. “And it’s not a big deal that it didn’t work. It was just...a silly idea. Totally impulsive on my part.”

Virgil huffed a laugh, the sound dangerously close to turning into a sob.

“Yeah,”  he said, because that was true at least. He loved Roman more than anything, but he still couldn’t comprehend what could have possessed Roman to show an interest in him. “It...it wasn’t silly to me.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Roman scoffed, and Virgil winced. Prince must have noticed, because he quickly continued. “Look, I’m...I’m sorry I yelled. I think we both got a little worked up.”

It was Virgil’s fault. He’d ruined it. He deserved to be alone.

“Ok.”

“Seriously, Virge. It’s not a big deal. Can’t we just...move on?”

He hated this. He hated this. Acting like they could just go back to being acquaintances, like nothing had ever happened between them, like breaking Virgil’s heart didn’t even matter.

He didn’t answer, digging his nails into his palms in a vain attempt at forcing back rising tears, praying that Roman would hurry up and leave him alone.

There was a hand on his shoulder, the touch achingly familiar, and Virgil jerked away with a panicked gasp.

“Don’t.”

“Virge—”

“Roman, please.” He struggled to sit up, the hurt only worsening at the confused exasperation he’d heard in Roman’s voice. “I can’t do that, I can’t...I don’t know how to just pretend...fuck, Roman I don’t know what to do without you!”

God, he was pathetic. Roman had finally opened his eyes and decided he deserved better, and here Virgil was, useless as always, unable to let go.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he choked out, vision blurred by new tears, the guilt and disgust suffocating. “Please, Ro, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry f- for- for fucking up, I’m sorry just- just please give me another chance I can- I’ll--”

He cut off with a broken sob as Roman’s hands were suddenly on his face, cupping both his cheeks and forcing him to look the Prince in the eyes.

“What are you talking about?” He was frantically searching Virgil’s watering eyes, horrified realization dawning. “Did you think I meant...Virgil have you been laying here all night thinking I broke up with you?”

Virgil’s breathing was quickly turning to ragged gasps as he desperately tried to muffle his crying, face burning in frustrated shame when the tears just continued to fall. There was absolutely no way for him to hold back another sob when Roman began wiping them away with his thumbs, looking strangely pained.

“Y-you s-said...you said i-it wouldn’t- w-wouldn’t work, y-you...you said--”

“Oh, darling no.”

Roman’s arms were suddenly wrapped around him, pulling him close, and Virgil didn’t think twice before falling against his chest, clutching desperately at the Prince’s shirt and wailing.

It all came spilling out again at the feeling of Roman’s arms around him, holding him like he’d protect the anxious side with his life. It was everything Virgil had grown accustomed to these last weeks. Everything he didn’t want to lose.

“It’s alright,” Roman said softly, holding Virgil tight as he cried. “I’m so sorry, my love. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. I’m so sorry, Virgil, I’m so sorry. It was just an argument, darling, don’t cry, please don’t cry.”

“Y-you- you said you knew,” Virgil sobbed, anguished cries muffled against Roman’s chest. “You knew it w-would end, you- you s-said it was over I-I thought--”

“Oh no, darling I wasn’t talking about us. I was talking about the video, Virgil. I was angry about the stupid video. It was just a fight, V. I’m so sorry for saying those things.”

Roman kept talking, rocking them both gently where they sat on Virgil’s bed, rubbing circles along the anxious side’s back. He would tighten his protective hold each time Virgil’s cries would grow loud again, devastated bawling that wouldn’t stop even with Roman’s reassurances.

But eventually the sobbing faded, leaving Virgil hiccuping and gasping for air, panic and sorrow fading and making way for utter exhaustion and hopeful relief as Roman’s words set in.

“I...I don’t want to be in here,” he said, as soon as he found his voice. “Can we--?”

“Of course.”

Roman was immediately sinking out, Virgil still held carefully in his arms, the two of them reappearing in the middle of Prince’s unmade bed in seconds. It seemed like neither of them had been able to sleep.

Roman guided them both backwards until they were laying down, still chest to chest, one hand reaching back to pull the covers up and over them. Virgil let out one more trembling breath, taking a moment to lay against Prince’s now tear soaked shirt, squeezing his eyes shut and breathing in Roman’s scent, taking in his arms around him, his steady breathing in his ear.  

“So,” Virgil said after a moment, quiet and hesitant. “Just to, um, clarify. You’re not...you aren’t breaking up with me?”

Roman pulled back from where he’d had his nose pressed against Virgil’s hair, just enough so he could crane his neck to get a better look at the other side, eyes wide and filled with his own, unshed tears.

“No,” he insisted, almost desperate. “No, darling never. I never want to leave you, Virgil. I promise. You’re stuck with me.”

Virgil huffed, glancing up to give Roman a timid smile. “I’m not gonna hold you to that promise. I get it. I’m...a lot. Clearly.”

Roman leaned forward to press a kiss into Virgil’s hair. “You’re a lot of things like perfect, and beautiful, and magnificent--!”

“Oh my god.” Virgil’s cheeks were on fire, despite it just being the two of them in the dimly lit room, and he quickly buried his face back into the Prince’s shirt.

“And,” Roman continued, a bit softer. “I’m very sorry for raising my voice at you. I didn’t even realize, I...I overreacted. And I’m sorry.”

“I’m pretty sure I yelled first, Princey,” Virgil said. “I was an ass. And I didn’t mean it, either. The video...wasn't stupid. It was just...I was stressed and I freaked out. Bad day, I guess.”

Roman moved one hand to start running his fingers through Virgil’s hair, nails lightly scratching at his scalp, and Virgil’s eyelids fluttered at the blissful feeling. “What’s bothering you, Love?”

Dammit. Roman really knew how to break down his defenses.

“I- I guess the idea of making...us public is...it just stresses me out sometimes. I’ve known you wanted to for a while and I’ve been stupidly anxious about it. I should have told you.”

Roman was silent a moment, never stilling the movement of his fingers, and Virgil could practically hear the gears turning in his head.

“You...you know I’d never force you to do that video, right? Whether you needed more time, or you never wanted to do it at all, I wouldn’t have been upset with you.”

Roman was always unbelievably patient with him. He had a temper sometimes, they both did, but he was more than willing to take things as slow as Virgil needed. Anything to make him comfortable.

With Roman, Virgil had never felt more safe in his life. Feeling pressured hadn’t been the issue at all.

“I know you wouldn’t,” he said gently. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Can I...ask why it upsets you so much?”

“I just…” And really, what else was there to say but the blatant truth? “I just still can’t believe that I’m with you. That you like me. Out of anyone.”

The hand in his hair slowed, just for a moment, and he could almost picture Princey’s puzzled expression. “I’m...not following.”

“You deserve the world, Roman,” Virgil said. “And I want to give that to you because...because I- I love you. And I just get it into my head that if people find out we’re together...they’ll see how much better you deserve. Because you should have everything and you...you got me. And I know you’re ok with that, but I just worry that if enough people tell you to leave you’ll realize you--”

He was abruptly cut off by Roman’s lips over his own, the Prince suddenly on top of him with one hand still behind Virgil’s head, the other tilting his chin upwards.

Obviously they’d kissed countless times before, but to Virgil each time felt like the first all over again. He didn’t think he would ever get used to this feeling, fiery warmth that spread through his body, the way he practically came undone when Roman brushed his lips, everything perfectly at peace when they fit together.

Roman pulled away, cheeks flushed as he looked down at Virgil’s equally red face, their noses almost touching.

“I love you.”

It was said suddenly, with so much force and desperation, and Virgil blinked, momentarily caught completely off guard. “I- thank you? I love you too, but--”

He stopped when Roman was suddenly pressing a kiss to his forehead, pulling away a few seconds later with another hushed “I love you.”

“Roman--”

Roman kept going like that, pressing meaningful, gentle kisses to almost every inch of Virgil’s face, cradling his jaw like something delicate. With each kiss Prince would whisper another soft, “I love you,” just loud enough for Virgil to hear.

When he was done he didn’t go far, warm hands still delicately framing Virgil’s face, looking down at him with what could only be described as awe.

“God, I love you,” Roman said again, and Virgil was almost positive his face was the color of the Prince's sash by now. “Virgil, I’m happier than I’ve ever been when I’m with you. You know that, right?”

“I...I guess, but--”

Roman pressed another quick kiss to his lips, and he clearly wasn’t expecting a back and forth discussion seeing as Virgil was far too flustered to form coherent answers.

“I’m supposed to be the sappy one, you know,” Roman said when he pulled away with a smirk, the smile quickly dropping into something more serious. “You are my world, darling. I do have everything. Because I have you. I wouldn’t give this up for anything, and a stupid comment from a jealous idiot who has no idea how beautiful you are won’t ever change that. Do you understand?”

For a moment, Virgil couldn’t bring himself to speak, the words getting jumbled and caught up in his tightening throat. Roman’s voice was swirling around his head, forcing the dark anxious thoughts to finally retreat, replaced only with overwhelming love and lighthearted giddiness.

It was a wonder Virgil had any tears left to cry, but suddenly his vision was blurring and Roman’s eyes widened in alarm.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I just...I- I thought--”

It was Virgil’s turn to cut Roman off with a kiss, this one a bit more sloppy and desperate as he grabbed Roman’s collar and dragged him back down, but he savored the feeling all the same.

When it was over, Roman was watching him with wide eyes, brimming with hope and worry, and Virgil found himself smiling.

“You dork,” he muttered, and Roman instantly relaxed. “I’m not...good at this like you are but...me too. All of that. You...you’re perfect, Roman. I don’t know what I did right to deserve you.”

“You think I don’t wonder how I got lucky enough for you to love me?” Roman asked, smiling when Virgil carefully reached up to wipe away the Prince’s own tears. “I’m not letting go of this, Stormcloud. Unless...unless you ever change your mind.”

Virgil moved to wrap his arms around Roman, guiding him back down until he was laid against his chest, the Prince’s head rested comfortably on his shoulder, the weight warm and grounding.

“Not a chance, Princey,” he said, closing his eyes for a moment just to listen to Roman’s breathing. “We can film the video.”

He felt Roman freeze, just for a second. “I- really?”

“Yeah.” Somehow, the idea wasn’t quite as terrifying as it had been before. “Just...maybe in a few days, if that’s ok.”

“Of course!” Roman exclaimed, and Virgil could hear the excitement in his voice. “We can do it whenever you’re ready.”

“Maybe we could...plan it out a bit more tomorrow. Work on a more concrete script.”

“Good idea,” Roman agreed. Reaching over to take Virgil’s hand. “I suppose I got a little carried away in my excitement. I shouldn’t have dragged you into a video like that...I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

“And I’m sorry for being an asshole about it,” Virgil said. “I should have just talked to you. I’m still not...great at telling people when somethings bothering me.”

“Your comfort is my top priority. Always. Never be afraid to tell me these things, Virgil. How else am I supposed to protect you?”

Virgil scoffed, this time light and good natured, and Roman chuckled along with him. “Protecting you is my job, Ro. But...but I will. I promise.”

“I know it’s not easy,” Roman said. “And it’s not your fault, I’m not angry. All I ask is that you try. I’m always going to be here.”

Roman had said that before, of course, he knew where Virgil’s fears and insecurities stemmed from.

But now, the two of them wrapped in each other's arms, it was the first time Virgil had ever been able to believe the words without hesitation, the doubts completely silent.

He listened to Roman’s breaths slow and even out, felt him relax completely against Virgil’s chest, the anxious side still wide awake despite his exhaustion.

“I love you too, by the way,” he whispered when he was fairly certain Roman had fallen asleep. “So, so much. I wish I was better at saying it.”

Roman said nothing, but Virgil felt him squeeze his hand and run his thumb along his knuckles, a silent communication somehow letting Virgil know that it was ok, that they were both learning.

Virgil smiled and closed his eyes, completely at ease in the Prince’s hold. And he realized, just before he succumbed to sleep, that a small part of him was actually looking forward to that video.

Honestly, how could he not if it meant he would see Roman smile at him?

[aimaiverity]

When did silence feel so heavy?

He never realized how loud a soft breeze was when that was all that surrounded you. The air was loud in boisterous and drowned out everything else playing in his mind. Like its weight dragging him under, he felt cold despite his body’s thermoregulation. The chill of a coming Autumn breeze tickled through his fur popping goosebumps down his skin. It was brisk nor chilly, yet he felt cold under its caress. Maybe being it silence left him numb.

Nature typically had an alleviating touch to it, it felt foreign and itchy. It made his skin tingle and shook discomfort through his system. When did nature stop feeling comfortable? Why was the silence so heavy? Everything felt off and distant, like touch was stripped away.

He promised. he kept muttering in a morose whisper. He will come back. He promised. The sound of grass crunched beneath a heavy foot, its sound impactful to sensitive ears. Said ears twitched in response, turning his head into the direction of the crisp snaps of the grass blades beneath red shoes.

He was silly to think he wouldn’t come back, but after a day was a bit surprising for him. It only took 24 hours to move through this utter betrayal. Something felt off, but the highs of his relief seeing the other drowned the lingering discomfort and still potent unfamiliarity.

“hey--- I, I never expected you back--- so soon! I mean--- I expected you to come back just not as soon---- not after only a day. Did you settle your thoughts? Do--- do you feel better?” he sucked in the shaky undertone to his words and stifled lacking insecurity. He tried to hold himself up with strong contempt, but it seemed lack luster and muffled.

Crimsons never left the other, they focused on jaded jewels that seemingly churned with something of vague discomfort and upset. Why were they reflecting such pain and animosity if he came back clear of mind? Questions all but filled his conscious as he slowly approached the blue hedgehog, keeping a stable gaze but holding a malleable distance between one another.

“Is everything okay? You look--- well, you look unhappy.” his voice was dipping into insecurity. “did you not get enough time to clear your mind? I mean--- if you need more time nothing is stopping you. Do not force yourself to be present here if you are not ready. I would--- I would rather you be of sound mind before approaching this again.”

Why does this feel so wrong?

Glistening green’s narrowed with harrowing discontentment that caused sable ears to wilt in concern. His form shaky with vivid discomfort as he approached closer to Ruby, arms tucked messily across his chest. His tone was shaky and full of a lack of understanding.

“Ruby. Look---” he started, his tone mixed with acute sadness and heart ache yet something else was present. Also like a haunting tone hiding beneath the shadows of his words. Why did that sound so odd? “ I thought about this. I took the day to run and run and run to clear my head of all this and-- it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel okay. Something just ain’t sinking in about all this. And no matter how much I ran, I felt like the answer wasn’t coming to me. Why I was struggling so hard to grasp this entire thing and y’know. As I slowed down to really sit on it, I started to realize... I’m having a hard time dealing with what happened. with--- well with what you did.”

No. Please don’t say that.

“Rub. I tried. I--- I really did, I tried to make sense of it and move away from it. But the more I turn my back to it, the more it comes ten fold screaming into my face. I just--- I don’t know that I can get over this hump right now. I don’t know that I can get over this speed bump at all. I just feel so betrayed. Its like--- you straight stabbed me in the back and I don’t understand how you could do something like that. You were my best friend and you straight up lied to me. Lied like nothing was wrong with it! And I just don’t understand how you could do something like that!”

“W-wait...” Why couldn’t he breath. The air was rushing in and out, rapidly and completely unstable. He wasn’t hearing this. He wasn’t saying this. That wasn’t happening. Please, please god that wasn’t happening. “W-wait, Spirit--- please look I--- I-I know it wasn’t--- was not--- I know it wasn’t okay, b-b-but please, please don’t say that. Please--- we can still--- we still are--- please don’t refer to it like that. We are best---- you are my best friend and I’m sorry! Please--- please I’m so sorry, please don’t say that.”

Spirit’s quills bristle and his hands quiver. His fists ball and his heart sinks. Why wasn’t ruby getting his pain? “Why don’t you get it! Why don’t you get why it hurts, Ruby?! Why don’t you understand why I’m upset! You lied to me, you betrayed my trust after I put everything out their for you! You betrayed your world. You--- Ruby, you left them to die! How could you be so--- sick? So, twisted! I don’t get it. How could you turn your back on them like that? You murdered them. Do you not get that?! You murdered innocent people for your own selfish reasons and I can’t----” he licks his dry lips and tugs on his quills. “You murdered them. You killed them and I can’t--- I can’t stand that.”

There was no security left. Everything was dry and he swallowed everything back. His breath left him shaky and his lip quivered in overruled emotions. His fight for stability was surrendered and he was on his knees. “Please--- Spirit please! Please understand, please. I never--- I never meant that to happen. I didn’t---- p-please,” his voice cracked on that last stuttered beg, “please, don’t say that to me. Please--- I know I did wrong, a-a-and I’ve spent my whole life trying to fix it, please. Please, understand that.”

Spirit’s own ears wilted, his own gaze fell, his own walls cracked. “I’m sorry Ruby, I just can’t. You murdered people. You hurt people. You turned your back and I just. I can’t get over that. I think...  we are better off. I have to go and this time I don’t think I’m coming back.”

The mirror of his reality shattered. The impact of that final statement cracked every crevice of his mind that was holding him together. His façade fell apart right in front of him. Spirit watched as his whole world crumbled down on him. He shook his head in disbelief. He bit his lip to stifle the urge to cry. He punched the grass, slammed his hands and head into the dirt. This wasn’t happening, please this wasn’t happening. His steady grip slipped and suddenly he was...

screaming into the grass below. His hold deteriorating right in front of the other. The screams and slams to the grass below cycling through his diminished sense of self. His screams slipped into muffled crying, silent sobs that had been persistently silenced finally left his mouth after years of pushback. He crumbled. He lost himself. He lost himself in the tears and crying. His health and psyche sparked and corroded and he was left crying, pulling at his quills before he jolted. He was standing, staggering on the open field. His heart ached. His head hurt. His stomach knotted. He looked at him, shook his head with disgust and upset. He peered down, snapping the locket from his neck. His tears traced and painted his cheeks. He chucked it, right at Spirit. Threw the locket and completely missed him catching it.

“I hate you.” he croaked through the heavy sobs. “I hate you!” he didn’t mean it. He lost himself. He lost hold of himself. He shook his head and turned, taking off and away from him. How could he. HOW COULD HE. Spirit was left in the aftermath of his collapse. His previously concerned expression turned upright. 

His lips tugging into a smirk as he watched him vanish. The smirk grew vile, cold and malicious. How utterly delicious it was. Cerulean turned sable, dripping into venom as the façade melted. Spirit diminishing into nothingness, leaving only Mephiles to stand in the ashes of his actions. The outright, vindictive smile tearing across a mouthless muzzle. He’d waited years for this. He’d waited so long for this. And years of waiting finally were at his fingertips.

Finally, vindication would be his.

[cals-sunflower]

the heart you broke (l.h)

summary: the one insecurity you have in your relationship with luke is brought up in a heated argument.

-

the sound of the door opening and closing made you grin to yourself knowing that your boyfriend was finally home. you hadn’t seen him since the morning when he kissed your head and mumbled an i love you before he left for the studio.

“there’s my favorite girls,” petunia’s head lifted up at luke’s voice and walked over to greet him. he bends down to give him some kisses and pets before sitting on the couch next to you. “hiya babe, how was the studio?”

“it was fantastic baby! we finally finished the album and i can’t wait for you to hear it at the listening party,” he rests a hand on your thigh leaning back with his head on the wall, “how was your day honey?”

“first of all i’m proud of you guys because i know how hard you guys worked for this album. it makes me happy to see you happy and my day was okay i guess. watched more criminal minds episodes and cuddled with piggy,” you nodded your head towards the tv that had a paused screen of the show.

“gosh i missed you,” he nuzzles his head into your neck placing small kisses to the exposed skin. “you’ve been away from me for a few hours lu. you make it sound like you haven’t seen me in years,” giggling while he now moved to place kisses all over your face.

“a few hours too long my love,” luke pecks your lips once more and leans away from you to give you space. “watch the show with me?” his phone rang loudly not giving him a chance to reply to you.

“hey ash what’s up?” seeing ashton’s face pop up on the screen. “hi ash! miss you and congratulations on finishing the album.”

“thanks y/n! it means a lot and i called to ask you guys and tell you everyone is going out in honor of finally being done with another album. wanted to see if you were coming or not.”

“yeah, we’re gonna be there mate. it’s about time we let lose after being so stressed out,” you freeze at luke’s words. you never were the one for going out to the club, not liking all the sweaty bodies and feeling closed in.

“sounds great, we’re going to the usual spot. see you then mate!” luke bids his goodbye with ashton turning to you after hanging up. “um lu babe, you know the club isn’t really my thing,” you were uncomfortable having this conversation because it’s not like he didn’t know how much you don’t enjoy being at the club. it was different at listening parties or parties at the houses because you pretty much knew everyone and felt safer.

“i know princess but promise you’ll think about going? we have a few hours before having to go and it would be greatly appreciated if you’re there celebrating with me,” he rubs your thigh with his thumb giving you a small smile.

“sure, i’ll think about it babe.”

“great now let’s watch criminal minds.”

-

you knew he was upset as he took glances at you sitting on the bed with his shirt on not moving a muscle to get ready to go.

“so you’re not going?” you shook your head sadly at him. “yeah of course you’re not.”

“what the hell is that supposed to mean?” you thought he’d at least be a bit more understanding but that wasn’t the case at all. “you do this shit all the time y/n.”

“well what’s wrong with that?” your brows furrowed which seemed to fuel his fire even more. “imagine having a boring fucking girlfriend who wants to stay inside all the time. you literally go to work, come home and follow the same routine everyday,” you felt your anger level rising not understanding where this was coming from and why he was talking to you with such hostility.

“i’m fucking sorry that i don’t feel comfortable. quit being a dick about it.” this lead you guys into spiting words you didn’t mean at each other and yelling at each other. why was he being a completely different luke than he was a few hours ago?

“at least sierra wouldn’t be a homebody,” he runs his hand into his golden curls, “she’d be out there celebrating with us unlike you.”

“well go fucking call her then! if you miss her so much,” your breathing was uneven but you refused to notice how you were on a thin thread of crying. “yeah maybe i will, then maybe i’ll finally be the fuck away from you,” the venom in his tone left a bitter taste in your mouth. with that he grabbed his jacket and phone, stomped his feet downstairs and slammed the door.

you slide your back to the wall and pulled your knees up to your chest. you replayed all of his words and started self doubting. had you really been that annoying to him for following your daily routine? did he really think you were boring? and was he still in love sierra? you didn’t notice you were crying until the first tear drop landed on your hand leading you to cry harder.

-

not knowing how you ended up at sierra’s house, you closed your car door and walked up to her door knocking on it lightly. of course you’ve been over here at a party she hosted and you always thought she was more of luke’s type. confident, bubbly, social and outgoing but he resured you that they were nothing but friends. now you weren’t so convinced he wasn’t still in love with her.

“y/n? what’s wrong?” sierra looks at your face seeing the puffy tear stained eyes and red nose. “i don’t mean to bother you but luke is still in love with you. he basically confirmed it without saying so tonight before he left and i don’t wanna stand in front of his happiness,” you felt your cheeks heat up and your heart pounded coming to the conclusion luke no longer wanted you.

“wait what? i’m not understanding, did you wanna come in to cool down?”

“no no, just wanted to um let you know so you guys can be happy again. it’s obvious he’s not as happy with me and i should have knew that. i mean look at you, who would honestly pick me over you,” you lifted your head up to give her a sad smile before walking away despite her calling out your name.

she watched your car leave and felt panicked. not knowing what to do sierra rushed to grab her phone and call luke. no answer, so she calls all the boys until calum finally answers.

“hey sierra? you okay?”

“listen to me, did luke tell you guys anything that happened?”

“with y/n? yeah he said that they got into an argument before he came here. why’d you ask?” sierra felt awful knowing that he probably said something about her to you.

“i think he compared me to y/n. she was just here a few minutes ago telling me that she didn’t want to stand in front of luke’s happiness and that he was still in love with me which i know isn’t true.”

“are you kidding me? we have to get in touch with her, i’ll call you back,” she sits with her phone in hand wondering what in the hell lead him to compare you to her.

-

“we have to go like now. luke your girlfriend went to sierra’s and told her you were still in love with her,” luke was confused about why you even did that until it hit him that it was his fault. the color drained from his face now realizing the weight of his words. luckily none of them started drinking so michael grabbed the keys and lead the boys to the car.

“call y/n ash, make sure she’s okay,” ashton nodded dialing your number.

“hi ash, is everything okay?” everyone could hear your small sniffles.

“hey kid, where are you?”

“i’m at home but i’m packing up my stuff. i thought you guys were at the club, no?” luke’s heart beats faster at the thought of you leaving because he doesn’t want you to leave. he doesn’t know why those words came out of his mouth, he didn’t mean them whatsoever.

“are you going to tell me why you’re packing or-“

“me and luke had an argument about how i didn’t feel comfortable going out but didn’t want to stop him obviously. some words were said back and forth until he said that sierra wouldn’t have stayed at home. so i told him to call her if he missed her so much and then he said that he would and he’d finally be away from me. not to mention he said that i was boring. so i figured that was the end of our relationship, you know?”

luke wanted to scream that it wasn’t true and if he could take it back he would. he loved you so much despite being together for only five months. he didn’t know what to say and it bothered him knowing he hurt you and didn’t think about it.

“doll you know that’s not true, right? luke loves you so much-“

“yeah but not as much as sierra. ash i want him to be happy and i didn’t realize how unhappy he was with plain old me. i try so hard to be outgoing but i’m just naturally an introvert. but ash i have to go, i love you and please don’t tell luke. i’ll most likely be gone before he comes back,” ashton tries to get you to not hang up but it was too late.

-

when they opened the door they seen your suitcase in front of it. you walked in the living room with a duffel bag and paused upon seeing the four australian men standing there with sad eyes. “what are guys doing here?”

“babe,” you winced at the nickname feeling yourself about to cry once more tonight. “please don’t say it. i already know.” luke steps forward towards you but you backed up keeping the space between the two of you.

“you don’t know. i’m sorry i made you feel this way, you know i love you. i didn’t mean it and I don’t know why i even said it,” you shake your head looking down.

“luke please it’s okay and i understand. i want you to be happy even if it’s not with me.”

“but honey, i’m so happy being with you and love coming home to you,” luke’s eyes began watering feeling like a terrible person for ever saying something like that. he didn’t know just how insecure you were when it came to sierra and that past relationship. they watched as you leaned down to kiss petunia on the head and give her a little scratch.

“i’ll miss you baby, i love you so much,” you stood up and then kissed luke’s cheek. “thank you for making me incredibly happy for the past few months. i wish you well luke,” he tried protesting for you to stop but you didn’t want him to see you cry so you grabbed your bags and walked to your uber that pulled up not too long ago. and just like that you were gone. luke had lost you and he didn’t know what to do.

“guys, i fucked up and now she’s actually gone,” the tears that had rested in his eyes fell down freely knowing you removed yourself out over an argument. he compared you to his ex and it’s all his fault you were gone.

[wellimaginethat]

Nothing to Worry About

Pairing: Kelly Severide x (female) Reader

Requested?: Yes

Word Count: 2311

Author’s Note: I’m pretty sure I’ve said it before, but I love getting requests for Kelly.

Trigger Warning(s): Implied sex, implied consumption of alcohol, nervousness, long distance relationship, implied hooking up/casual relationship

Disclaimer: I don’t owe nor am I affiliated with any of the Chicago shows, I just like to play with the characters

Summary: Kelly has been dating a doctor from out of town for a while now, well when she gets a job at Gaffney, Kelly finally introduces her to everyone.

Y/N = Your Name

Y/LN = Your Last Name

You met Kelly when you were in Chicago for some doctor’s convention thing that you hadn’t been too keen on going to in the first place, so you ditched and went exploring.

At first you weren’t going to give him the time of day. His entire persona screamed player and you weren’t the kind of woman to fall for the game.

But then you decided why not have a little fun while you were in Chicago, so you let the cute firefighter take you home.

You didn’t know what it was, but for some reason the two of you were just drawn to each other after that night. Before you left he had asked for your number, and that began a somewhat casual relationship.

However, casual did not last long because before you knew it, you were starting to really fall for him. And he was starting to fall for you just as hard.

It all came to a boil one night. He paid you a surprise visit at your apartment, having driven hours to get there, only for you to not be home.

You came walking down the hallway an hour later and saw him sitting there, outside your door, waiting for you.

“Kelly?” You asked quietly, confused. “What are you doing here?

He looked up at you, blue eyes locking onto yours. You could tell he was confused and hurt by the conclusions he was drawing. You were dressed nicely and had your hair and makeup done up nicely as well, you looked like you were coming back from a date.

He stood up and went to move past you. “This was a bad idea.”

You stopped him by grabbing onto his arm. “Kelly wait.”

He only partially turned to look at you and shook his head. “Nah, I get it. I’m just a fun time whenever you happen to be in Chicago, a guy you keep on the hook just so you don’t have to be lonely.”

His words cut you deeply, but you knew he was only saying them because of how the situation looked. You shook your head. “It’s not like that.”

“Oh? Then what is it like?” Kelly asked you, and just the tone of his voice showed you how much he was hurting.

“Well it’s not what you think.” You told him. “Can you just come inside so we don’t have to have this conversation in the hallway?”

“No, I think I should just go.” He replied, pulling his arm out of your grasp. Even with how hurt he was, he was still gentle when pulling away from you, he never wanted to hurt you.

“Kelly please.” You begged softly. “I just got done dealing with my family being all dramatic.”

He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at you. “You were…”

“With my family, yeah.” You nodded. “I decided to take them out to dinner and they all decided to be dramatic and make the night horrible.”

Kelly’s face fell into an expression of instant regret and embarrassment. “I...I thought…”

“That I was on a date?” You asked and shook your head.

“And now I feel like an idiot.” Kelly ran a hand over his face and looked down. “I’m sorry.”

You smiled softly and shook your head, taking his hand in yours. “It’s fine, but can we please go inside now? I have extremely nosy neighbors.”

Kelly nodded and let you lead him into your apartment after you unlocked the door.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” The words came out of his mouth before he realized how they sounded, it only dawning on him when he saw the look on your face. “I mean how casual it is between us.”

You immediately relaxed and nodded slowly, a soft smile finding its way onto your lips.

He walked over to you. “I know it’s long distance, but I think we could make it work. I mean, we’re already making time for each other as is.”

“Kelly.” You started softly, eyes meeting his. “What are you saying exactly?”

“I want you to be my girlfriend.” Kelly told you, placing his hands on your hips gently. “I’m not interested in seeing any other girls besides you, and I hate the idea that there could be other guys in your life.”

“There aren’t.” You assure him softly. “It’s only you and has been for a long time.”

“So does that mean we’re exclusive?” He asked with a small smile.

You nodded, smiling a bit more. “Most definitely. And yeah, I’ll be your girlfriend.”

After that, you two were completely exclusive and made the whole long distance thing work. You’d either go to see him, or he’d come see you, or you’d meet in the middle somewhere. You made it work.

And then you got offered the position at Gaffney. You immediately called him up.

“Y/N? Everything okay?” Kelly asked, worried because you seldom called him in the middle of the day like this.

“Everything’s fine.” You breathed out, trying to contain your excitement. “I was just offered a position at Gaffney.”

“Here in Chicago?” Kelly asked, surprised.

“Yeah.” You breathed out, then it dawned on you that maybe he wouldn’t want you to move to Chicago, as well as a bunch of other insecurities.

“Are you going to take it?” Kelly asked you.

“I don’t know...do you think I should?” You asked timidly.

Kelly paused. “Do you want to?”

“Do you want me to?”

“This isn’t up to me, Y/N.” Kelly told you, getting a bit frustrated.

“Would you be okay with me living in Chicago?” You asked after a moment.

There was another pause on his end and that sent a pang of fear through you. “Do I want my girl to be living in the same city as me? Of course I do. But I also want you to make sure this is what you want, I don’t want you unhappy.”

Relief flooded you and you smiled wide even though he couldn’t see it. “Then I’m going to take it.”

You could practically hear the smile in his voice when he spoke next. “That’s great. I can’t wait until you’re here.”

And within the next few weeks you were moving. Kelly was excited to introduce you to his friends, but gave you time to settle in. He helped you pack up your previous apartment, and unpack at your new place in Chicago.

You smiled and admired your new place after you had gotten everything situated so that it was just so.

Kelly wrapped his arms around your from behind and placed a few chaste kisses to the crook of your neck and shoulder, causing you to giggle softly.

He smiled at you. “So what do you think of your new place?” He asked you softly, his arms still wound around your midsection.

You turned slightly in his embrace to get a good look at him. “I love it.”

“And Chicago?”

“So far? I love it too.” You smiled at him.

Kelly smiled and looked down briefly, not meeting your eyes as he asked his next question. “Anything else you love?”

“You.” You whispered your response, causing him to look up and finally meet your eyes.

There was a small silence between you and it almost made you panic, but you somehow remained cool on the outside, waiting for him to say something.

“You serious?” He asked softly, his breath catching.

You nodded. “Yeah, I’m serious.” You whispered out again. “I love you Kelly.”

He smiled softly. “I love you too.” He breathed out, a look of relief on his face.

It was about two weeks later that you were finally settled in enough to meet his friends, and you were nervous as hell.

You were still getting ready when Kelly showed up at your place and knocked on the door.

You hurried to pull the door open and greet him. “Hey.” You kissed his cheek. “Just give me a few more minutes and I’ll be ready, promise.”

He could immediately tell you were nervous just by the way you were acting, and grabbed your hand as you went to scurry away. “Hey, babe.” He said softly, pulling you back to him and causing you to look at him.

“Kelly, I gotta get ready.” You told him.

Kelly looked you up and down and raised a brow. “This isn’t ready?”

“I haven’t even started on my makeup.” You protested.

“I don’t really think you need it.” Kelly told you, but let it go. “I just want you to take a breath, okay? They’ll love you.”

You took a deep breath and nodded. “I hope you’re right.”

“I am, trust me.” Kelly told you, kissing your forehead. “Now you can go finish getting ready.”

You smiled and scurried off to the bathroom to do your makeup.

You fidgeted in the car the entire ride to the bar, causing Kelly to place a hand on your leg in an attempt to calm you.

When you finally got to the bar, Kelly led you in with an arm wrapped around your shoulders.

You were met with a few questioning looks from people you’d only heard stories about and you immediately felt awkward, your stomach was in knots. You were well aware that the people you were about to meet were more than coworkers, more than just friends, they were Kelly’s family and that meant you had to make a good impression. You were beyond worried that they wouldn’t like you.

You realized that the questioning looks weren’t directed at you, but at Kelly, causing you to look at him.

He walked over to the group, his arm still around your shoulders. “Everyone, this is Dr. Y/N Y/LN.” He introduced you, and the looks didn’t change. “My girlfriend.”

The questioning looks then turned to a mix of surprise and confusion. A blonde man stepped up. “Girlfriend?”

Kelly nodded to him and you were left confused, had he not told them about you?

“So that’s why you haven’t exactly been friendly with the ladies lately.” Someone commented from behind, you didn’t see who.

“It’s been long distance for a while now and she just moved to Chicago.” Kelly told them.

“Why’s this the first we’re hearing about her?” A man from behind the bar asked.

“I wanted to keep her to myself.” Kelly answered him sarcastically. “I didn’t wanna jinx it, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.” He looked down at you with a small smile.

“So this is where you’ve been disappearing to?” The blonde man asked.

Kelly nodded to him.

Instead of commenting, he turned to you and offered his hand out to you. “Matt Casey.”

“Ah, the best friend.” You commented, shaking his hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Introductions went off without a hitch and you seemed to fit in pretty well with them, and your nervousness from earlier melted away over the course of the night.

You currently sat across from Sylvie Brett, talking to her about different things when the conversation got turned around to you and Kelly.

“So how long have the two of you been together?” She asked you before taking a sip of her drink.

“Well we started out as causal.” You told her. “And that was about a year ago, but a few months in he asked me to be his girlfriend, and we became exclusive. So we’ve officially been dating for nearly eight months.”

“Wow, I didn’t think he had it in him.” Sylvie commented.

You chuckled a bit and played with your drink nervously. “Yeah, I know he’s got a thing with the ladies.”

Sylvie noticed your unease and was quick to try to remedy it. “Hey, he seems pretty serious about you.” She spoke softly.

You looked up. “Then why didn’t he tell anyone about me?”

“You heard him, he said he didn’t wanna jinx it.” She answered, still in the same soft voice.

Your eyes went over to Kelly, he was across the bar talking to Matt and Herrmann about something, and when he noticed you looking at him, he smiled at you. You returned the smile before turning back to Sylvie. “I really hope that’s why.”

She nodded and smiled at you. “It is. He loves you, I can tell by the way he looks at you.”

Your cheeks turned pink as you smiled softly and nodded.

When you got back to your apartment, you sat on the couch and waited for Kelly to sit next to you.

“Alright, go ahead, ask me.” Kelly told you as you leaned into his side.

You raised a brow. “Ask you what?”

“Why I didn’t tell them about you.” Kelly answered, looking down at you.

“Well, why didn’t you?” You asked softly, you didn’t sound upset or hurt, because you wanted to believe what he had said, and what Slyvie had said.

“Because if I had, then they would have wanted to meet you sooner.” Kelly answered you honestly, letting out a small sigh. “And I wasn’t ready.”

You nodded slowly. “But you could’ve told them before we walked into the bar. You could’ve told them when I moved here.”

“I know.” Kelly sighed again, nodding, he knew you had a point.

You looked down at your hands. “Just tell me that the reason you didn’t tell them wasn’t because you aren’t serious about me.” You said quietly.

Kelly turned to get a better look at you. “That’s not why.” He said softly, getting you to look at him by lifting your chin gently with his fingers. “Hey, I love you.”

You smiled softly and nodded. “I love you too, I was just worried.”

He pulled you into his side again and kissed the side of your head. “You’ve got nothing to worry about.” He assured you.

[luna-is-on-mars]

5 things that make you happy! Go!

Hello love ♡

First of all, I want to thank you for making me think about what makes me happy and brings me joy, that has really brightened my mood! But to be honest, it's not that easy for me and required more concentration than I currently have, hence the late answer (sorry!). I also decided to include people and animals instead of focusing on things, I hope that's okay?

Music!

To me, music feels like pure magic, like freedom and expressiveness. It's like the air to breathe when I feel like suffocating and is therefore the best therapy when it comes to my depression and anxiety. Music gives a voice, a melody, a meaning to all my ineffable thoughts and feelings, without any boundaries, just acceptance and importance. Music enables me to be myself without exception and to really feel everything, regardless of whether I want to laugh, cry or scream.

My cats!

I'll never understand how anyone can hate animals? When I look into my cats eyes, when I feel them purring, when they excitedly pat around me, when they're joyfully welcoming me back home, when they're lovingly licking and biting me, when they're fondly bumping me with their heads and noses - all I can feel is love, in it's purest and most sincere form. All my brokenness and imperfectness doesn't matter to them, they know that I wholeheartedly love and care for them and that's enough, everything else doesn't matter. So, how can I ever be unhappy if they somehow consider me worthy of their affection?

Someone else's happiness!

There's hardly anything more beautiful than someone laughing and smiling, while happiness is literally leaking out of them. The way someone's eyes light up when they talk about something they love, how excited they become when talking passionately so that they can't stop smiling. I love knowing that someone is fine, happy and content, even if it's only for a moment, it reminds me of all the good and beautiful in the world. And I'm even more happy to know that someone else's happy than being it on my own.

Star-gazing!

This wonderful feeling that I have while looking at the stars is almost indescribable. It's unbelievable and one of my favorites, even though it's actually a bitter-sweet one. It feels like belonging, like home and freedom. It shows me how beautiful the world is, how many infinite possibilities exist and how incredibly insignificant and unique I actually am. I feel so many things while looking at the night sky, but the strongest of all is longing, what exactly I'm yearning for, I don't know exactly. All my life I've felt alienated from my surroundings, so maybe I belong somewhere in the stars, maybe this is the place where I should be, where there's a place for me, a meaning. Even if I'm only a star inbetween a hundred thousand others, I'm part of hope, one of the many lights that shines for someone else. Maybe there's something much greater out there and we're just not able to see it yet, too close-minded and blinded by hate, trapped in our fast-living, shallow and cynical society. Stargazing always inspires me to think bigger, clearer; to be patient and peaceful; it reminds me that anything is possible, that I'm not meaningless and that there's a place where I'll always find happiness and peace.

Kind people!

No matter how hopeless and dreary my days may be, there's always that one person who will remind me that no matter how broken and flawed I'm, that I'm worthy. These people don't know me, sometimes don't even know that I exist and yet they're somehow convinced that I'm not hopeless, that I have a value and a meaning. When I doubt myself and my fears and insecurities overwhelm me, they make me realize that it's okay, okay to feel that way, that I'm not alone. These people are a great motivation for me, because they believe in me, even though I struggle to make myself believe it, they make my life and this world a more beautiful place - a world of which I want to be a part of. As long as there are such kind and selfless people, the world cannot be lost and hopeless. They give me strength and offer me a place, a community where I belong, where I'm understood and respected. These people are so kind and thoughtful that they take the time to think of, look after, and help others. Be it a friendly smile, a helping hand, encouraging words or a short message, simply a sign that you mean something to someone; It doesn't sound important or significant, but for me it is one of the reasons that I'm breathing, smiling and happy.

There are so many more things that make me happy, because although my dark and negative thoughts seem to win over many days, I'm still grateful to live in this wonderful world. This world and this life has so many beautiful reasons to be happy. It's just sad that most people have forgotten how to appreciate or are overlooking the little things and take them for granted. But they aren't. It makes me sad how brutal and ruthless the world can be, how stressed, corrupt and consume-oriented people are. However, there are exceptions, wonderful people like Dominic Harrison (Yungblud), Erika (@ajokeformur-ray ) and Sue (@jslittlebirdie ) for example, who've created a clear balance, at least in my life.

What about you, my love? What are five things that make YOU happy?

[noonaduck]

A boy who cried a wolf

Pairing: human Jungkook x werewolf reader genre: fluff,smut, Supernatural au, fantasy au, angst if u look with microscope  warnings: SEX Words: 10662 A/N: I’m finally happy to present this fic for you guys. I have been working on it for ages and I’m really satisfied with the results. Summary: Once upon a time there was a boy who cried the wolf and the wolf who loved the boy. The wolf was ready to risk everything to be with her human and they boy was ready to face the world he never knew existed. Butterfly Effect m.list

[Gifs belongs to their rightful owners]

Long time ago in a far away land was a village which was only separated by small meadow from  big and dark forest. There was many stories where someone has entered the forest and never returned. The trees were so tall that you couldn't navigate with the help of sun or the stars because you simply weren't able to see the sky over the tree branches. You always laughed to those stories, why someone would be afraid of the forest? The forest was your sanctuary, a calm place which melt your worries away. Ever since you had known how to walk you had been spying the people who lived in the village from the edge of the forest. 

You were always near but not to seen. Your favorite pair of people was two young boys, one with dark brown hair and matching pair of eyes and another with soft blonde cloud of hair and deep dark eyes. 

You enjoyed watching how they liked to run on the meadow among the sheep who were eating the grass lazily.  You laughed when they did and cried when they felt down. You almost felt like they were your friends. Years passed and the boys grew and you along them. Sometimes your big brother came to watch the villagers too but he got bored rather easily and left you alone to enjoy your time.  

You had just turned sixteen and were once again spying your boys behind tree trunks when your first encounter with them happened. It was late spring evening and the sun has started to set when you spotted the familiar faces running towards the woods, when they reached the border between the forest and the meadow they stopped hesitating. 

''Are we really going to do this?'' The older, but funnily shorter, of the two asked looking his friend feeling insecure. 

''I mean, we have came this far, don't you think that it would be too stupid to back out now?'' The younger one says and raises his right hand higher and only by then you notice the dark glass bottle in his hand.

''I ques that you are right.'' The older one agrees and takes a first step in to the forest. His friend follows him right after.

The boys have difficulties to navigate in the darkness but your eyes were used to dark and you knew the forest like you knew your hands, so it was easy for you to keep up with them.  You lightly chuckled when one of the boys almost fell on his face because his foot got stuck on root sticking from the ground.  The boys doesn't seem to be sure about direction and instead they walk aimlessly forward.

''I think the village is now far enough.'' The older one says and glances to the direction of the village, he can't see the village lights anymore.

''I agree.'' The second one says and they happily sit down on the ground, the older one leaning on fallen tree trunk and younger sits on the rock next to him.

''So should we open it?''  The older boy gestures towards the bottle. ''It's not everyday that my sister gets married and our folks brings alcohol on view.'' He adds and your attention turns to their clothing. 

Instead of their usually grey cotton shirts and brown pants with suspenders they are both wearing straight black pants with polished shoes and a white shirts under a west. Only difference in their attires is that the older ones west is brown and younger ones' is deep green.

''One day you have a bride yourself, Miss Park Jimin, that sounds quite nice.'' The younger one teases the another and you can see even though the darkness that the one being teased is blushing.

''I think that Miss Jeon Jungkook isn't bat either.'' Jimin teases his friend who flashes a sheepish smile.  

''Whatever, let's open this thing.'' Jungkook changes the subject and raises the bottle in his hand.

''Hey Jimin, how we are going to open this without a bottle opener?'' Jungkook grins awkwardly.

''I saw once how my father opened a bottle with his teeth, let me try.'' Jimin says and takes the bottle from his friend. 

How foolish. You watch amused how Jimin puts the cork in his mouth and pulls it with his teeth.  At first the cork stays and remains stuck but after few failed attempts and huffs the cork pops open and Jimin almost cracks his teeth while doing it. A strong and bitter smell of booze hits your nose and you flinch. The drinks in your home always smell so sweet and fruity that it's hard for you to believe that someone actually want to drink something like that. Jimin spits the cork out of his mouth and grins.

''Bottoms up.'' He cheers and takes a big gulp of the drink. When the booze hits his throat Jimin couches loudly and closes his eyes. 

Jungkook laughs to his reaction but when it’s his turn to taste his reaction is the same. 

''This is strong stuff, no wonder that your dad usually hides it on top of shelf.'' Jungkook admits and wipes his mouth. 

The boys drink for a while in silence passing the bottle for each other. You get more comfortable and lay down on the forest bed. When time passes the reactions caused by the strong taste of booze weakens on the boys faces and they seem to get more light headed.

''Hey Jimin?'' Jungkook breaks the silence after another sip.

''Yeah?''

''Have you ever wanted to leave our village?''

''Sometimes. I often imagine how I leave my home and began to live as traveling performer.'' Jimin admits his cheeks in pink tint, that may be caused by his confession or the drink. 

''Pfft, you a performer? What would you do?'' Jungkook teases his friend.

''I would sing and maybe dance, who knows. Maybe I would get invited to the palace.''' Jimin shrugs his shoulders. ''What about you? Have you ever considered leaving?''

''Yeah, I have always wanted to be a soldier. I want to bring glory to my country and honor to my family.'' 

You let a small huff escape from your mouth from his confession. Not because you think it's funny but because how accurate it is. You could see in your mind Jungkook in shining armor ready to lead a battle.

''Did you hear that?'' Jimin asks your mistake didn't go unnoticed.

''Did I hear what?'' Jungkook asks and he looks around alerted. 

You start backing up deeper in the forest and in your hurry you miss a fallen tree branch under your feet which makes a sound leading the boys to look in to your direction. You know that you have been spotted when Jungkook's eyes meet yours.

''Jimin! Shit its a wolf!'' Jungkook screams panicked and gets up fumbling 

from his sitting place.

You are frozen to your place too shocked to move and captivated by Jungkook's eyes that you won't even blink before Jimin has also spotted you.

''We need to go!'' Jimin tells and the bottle slips from his hands and falls on the forest ground spilling its insides on the ground.

You are able to recover from your shock and you spin around and start running deeper into the forest. 

You would think that your cover being blown would make you stop spying on the village but it made you only even more curious about humans and the life outside of your forest. What came to Jimin and Jungkook they were punished by their parents  to look after the sheep  grazing on the meadow because they busted in to Jimin's sisters wedding smelling like a booze and crying a wolf.  After all there hasn't been any wolf sighting in fifteen years.

~

It was your twentieth birthday and you were laying on your bed looking up to the ceiling where the ceiling beams were supporting the roof of your cabin. You really weren't in the mood of celebrating even though turning twenty meant that you would be adult in standards of your small community. You hear a soft knock by the door and your big brother, Alpha of the pack, peeks in.

''Can I come in?'' He ask and flashes a kind smile. 

''No.'' You snort but he won't listen to you and steps in. ''What do you want Jin?'' You ask and roll on sitting position on your bed.

Jin comes to sit next to you and ruffles your hair. ''It is a big day, shouldn't you be more excited?'' Jin looks you with genuine care and his honey colored eyes glister in the sun.

You can clearly see why any single woman of the pack would drool after him, his shoulder are wide and his body is strong, his face is sculptured like a angels with soft perky lips, straight nose and soft brown hair cut into mullet.

''What it is to be excited about?'' You groan ''I hate double standards.'' You tell and hug fluffy pillow on your lap.

''It is a tradition to find a spouse for a shewolf if she doesn't have one when she turns twenty. Even our parents found each other in that way.''

''And where that lead to them, unhappy marriage and a mother who ran away with a water spirit.'' You retort sarcastically back. ''I think it's truly unfair that I have to get engaged with someone who I didn't choose.''  

''I thought you were okay with getting married with Mark?''

''I mean he is only tolerable man in the pack but it doesn't mean that I love him.''

''Who you would want instead, that human boy?'' Now it's Jin's turn to sound sarcastic ''And how well that would go? 'Hey I'm Y/N and I have been spying on you ever since we have been kids. Don't be totally freaked out but I have huge crush on you and I thought that we could get married.'''Jin ends his speech with miming your voice and your face twists in anger.

''Get out!'' You yell pissed and throw the pillow at his face.   

''Fine, I go. Being mad at me won't save you from tonight celebration though. Elena will be here in a hour to help you get ready.'' Jin raises his hands for surrender and leaves your room. 

You know that he is right, after all you don't have the guts to defy traditions, right? Surely Mark would be good mate, after all you had known him since you were toddlers. And Jin is right, Jungkook would never want to be with someone like you. You curl in to a small ball and let silent tears fall.  

Jin's words are true when exactly a hour has passed you hear another knock by your door and and a storm also known as Elena arrives to your room.  Elena is your father's new partner who was able to pull your sulking father away from his depression after your mother left. Elena has a dark skin and a matching curls pulled in tight ponytail. She is a curvy woman who's loud laughter easily filled a room and gained attention of others. Elena is wearing tight leather pants with knee length boots and tight white shirt that hugs her in all right places.

''What are you doing still on bed? Come on, your bath is waiting.''  Elena pulls you up the bed and pulls you after her in to the living space of your cottage. 

Your home is small and it only consist on three rooms, your bedroom, Jins bedroom/ office and the living space. There is no bathroom, those are for rich people only and when you have to relief yourself outhouse is the place.  Jin is nowhere in sight and you ques that he has escaped somewhere out of the way. Elena stops you in front of the steaming bathtub of water and starts to loosen strings on the back of your shirt.  

''You should be grateful for your brother, even though he is busy with his Alpha duties he still had time to pick water from stream and boil it for you.'' Elena chatters away. ''Hands up'' She ads and you are barely able to obey when she pulls the shirt over your head.  

As a werewolf idea of undergarments seems rather bothersome, you get naked to sift so often that tucking and pulling those on and of would be waste of time. Soon you are completely naked and covered to your chin in the steaming bath while Elena rubs a soap over your hair.

''How long it has been since you took a bath?'' Elena asks while going through particularly difficult knot on your untamed H/C hair.

''A while, I prefer washing up as a wolf.'' You grin but yelp when Elena pulls your hair too harshly. 

''It's not bathing if you go to swim in your fur.'' She huffs and you roll your eyes. 

Elena keeps chattering about anything and everything while you let her voice buzz in the background of your thoughts. After your bath Elena pulls out a dress and flinch unhappily, dresses weren't your thing even though human women usually preferred them over the pants. The dress is simple and pure white, only to be tied with a belt on your waist. You let helplessly Elena to groom you and you are sitting on stool while Elena goes through your hair with comp when Jin enters again. 

''You look good.'' Jin tells and shows his thumbs ups which gains eye roll from you as an answer.

''Seokjin, why you aren't wearing your formal wear yet?'' Elena lectures Jin who lets out sheepish smile being caught by the woman. In times like these Jin didn't seem like an Alpha at all. 

''I'm just about to get changed.'' Jin tells and escapes to his room. 

''Sometimes I wonder was it a good idea to make him an Alpha so early.'' Elena mumbles to herself and you chuckle at her words. 

A knock comes by the front door and Elena tells the newcomer to enter. A young girls steps in carrying a flower grown in her hands. 

''My mom told me to deliver this here.'' She tells shyly and you can't help yourself but smile to her.

 ''Thank you, please bring it here.'' Elena tells softly and the girl comes to you holding tightly at the grown.

''Would you like to put the grown top of Y/N's head?'' Elena asks and little girls smile widens in excitement.

''Yes please.'' She says and you tilt your head lower so she is able to reach your head.

''Thank you Amber.'' Elena tells and images flashes on your mind, you had seen the girl before playing with her friends in the village center. 

''Thank you.'' You say as well and Amber leaves  the cabin happily giggling for herself. 

Elena pulls a hand mirror out somewhere and shows your reflection to you. You have to admit that you look quite good. Your usually wild H/C hair is tamed into soft curls and your skin is glowing after the cleaning. 

''I look amazing, thank you Elena.'' You gasp admiring yourself from the mirror your E/C eyes looking back at you with full of wonder. 

''You are welcome sweetie. I have to go and get myself already. Me and your father will see you at the party.'' Elena tells and takes the mirror from your hands and puts it on the table. ''You look stunning, everything will go great.'' Elena adds and gives a small peek to your forehead.

~

Distant drumming is reaching your ears and you are shifting from one foot to another nervously. Your future husband, Mark is standing next to you and offering you a calming smile. Mark is slim man with dark hair and his features are mix of Asian and western, his eyes are little bit crooked in typical way of Asian's but his shin is strong and angular. Mark is wearing black leather pants and a short fur coat on his shoulders which is typical part of formal attire in your pack, and a simple plain white shirt underneath. Neither of you are wearing shoes and that rule goes by every party goer tonight.

''Are you nervous?'' Mark asks voice full of worry.

''A little.'' You admit flashing a nervous smile.

''It's just a party.'' Mark tries again to assure you.

''A party where going with you literally means that I have decided to take you as my mate.'' You huff irritated and Mark looks taken back.

''I know that I wasn't your first option but don't rub it on my face.'' Mark barks back and you can see his eyes flash orange.

You take a deep breath and try to calm yourself down. ''You are right, I'm sorry. Let's get this over with.'' 

Your small village is located in a valley surrounded by mountains and rough landscape. If you don't know the route in its impossible to find in. In middle of your village goes a steaming river and get to across it you have to go over a wide wooden bridge. Right after the bridge goes the small town center where the party is taking its place. When you reach the bridge the drumming turns even louder and you can see the torches lighting up the night sky. Everywhere you look at is food and people in their wolf or human form having fun. You are only female to wear white and everywhere you look at you can see women dressed in bright colors, all the men are wearing similar attires to Mark only with some variation of their shirt and cloak colors.

 A small band is beating the drums in the border of the square their bodies following the beat. Someone notices you and points at you followed by loud cheers of the celebrating people.  You wave awkwardly back to the people who you have known your whole life and walk the rest of the way towards the square followed by moody Mark. Still you couldn't blame him after your split up. Who would be excited to get married with someone who wasn't clearly into them? Mark has only accepted to marry you because his visible crush towards you and this being the only way to be with you.

''You are finally here.'' Jin steps out from the crowd and comes towards you with open arms. He hugs you and whispers. ''Even a minute later and I would had made someone to pick you up.'' When he lets go of you there is no trace of his threat and his face is full of smiles. Jin's fur cloak is only one which stands on the crowd, as and Alpha he is wearing a cloak that almost reaches on the ground.

''My fellow pack member today we have gathered here to celebrate my sisters coming to age ceremony and her engagement to Mark.'' The whole crowd goes silent and the drumming stops when their Alpha is speaking. ''As all of you know this party is more than just having fun, it's about making sure that our pack will bloom in the future and bless us with more offspring. Werewolf are one of the species which numbers are getting smaller year by year while humans take more and more space with their growing population. There were times were our kind didn't have to hide and we were free to be what we are but sadly things changed. Humans got scared of us and our powers, where we were winning in power they were leading with numbers.'' Jin pauses and some pack members boo to his words. Jin raises his hand and everyone turn silent again. ''We aren't alone in this situation, other creatures like elves and even vampires are in the same situation.  It's more important than ever to have each other backs and make sure that our culture and us in individuals will remain.'' When Jin ends his speech the grow cheers and the drumming returns. 

Everyone return to have fun and except you to follow after all it's your party and you are expected to be in cloud nine after catching one of the most wanted single men in the pack. Coming to age party is exceptional in that way that almost every other party in the werewolf tradition consist on ceremonies and rules that you have to follow. The chaos and lack of rules in the coming age party is supposed to symbolize the ending youth and beginning of the adult responsibilities.

''I will go to meet my friends.'' Mark informs and slips away from the place and you nod as an answer in your thoughts.

You aren't able to dream for long when Elena and your father reaches you. Your father is in his late fifties, his once light hair turning into grey, he is like older version of your brother to be honest. Your father is limping his right leg and leaning to walking stick. Permanent injuries are rare in the wolf world where everyone heals quickly but your father was trapped under a fallen tree trunk for days before he was found and his bone had ossified in twisted way. The healers of the pack had had to break his leg all over again and it was never the same again even after healing.

''There's my girl.'' Your Father smiles warmly when he stops in front of you. Elena is smiling next to to him holding his free hand. 

''Here I'm.'' You try to sound cheerful but you fail horribly. 

''Where is my future son in law?'' Your father asks and glances around in hopes of seeing him.

''We had a small fight.'' You admit with quiet voice.

''Y/N...'' Your father sighs is disappointment.

''Don't worry about it, I'm sure that Mark is able to recover from it.'' Jin butts in and you glance your brother angrily. 

''Jin is right, after all we all know how smitten Mark is with Y/N.'' Elena steps in to calm your father.

''I guess you are right.'' Your father's face softens again. 

''I bet they will make such a beautiful babies.'' Elena tells with dreamy voice. While your father is agreeing with Elena you slip away in the crowd.

No one really doesn't seem to get you. Everyone is so excited about your marriage and future puppies that they forgot how you are feeling about it. If you could you would run. Run, that one word consumes you and you start pushing your way through the mass of people. Some worried looking pack members tries to stop you but you are too stubborn. You need air somewhere where isn't other wolves. Before you even realize you have sifted in to your wolf form and running all fours towards the beginning of the valley and where the secret passageway to the outside world is located.

You keep running without any particular destination in your mind but soon you understand that you have picked the direction of the nearest human village.  You feel like your heart is about to burst in your chest and you won't stop until you reach the tree line. Your storming mind calms instantly when you see Jungkook laying on the meadow his eyes closed and lips parted. He is supposed to look after the sheep but he is snoring lightly. Your mind goes blank and you crawl closer in your wolf form. People should give more credit to the animals, the sheep won't even flinch when you near the sleeping man, after all they have heard and smelled you over the years when you had spied the village and deemed you to no threat to them. You turn into small ball next to Jungkook and close your eyes seeking comfort in Jungkook's warmth.

 ~

''What the hell I do, there is a wolf sleeping next to me!'' Someone's voice is breaking in to your dreams and you sift annoyed. 

''I don't know, don't be so loud or you wake it up.'' Another voice hurries to answer. This dream is getting rather annoying. ''Should I get your father?'' Your ears twitch and you are more aware of reality.

''So he can kill the wolf? No'' The first speaker sifts next to you and finally you open your eyes. 

You have to blink few times before you believe what you are actually seeing. Jungkook is sitting next to you on the grass his body rolling with fear and Jimin is standing next to him and not in any better shape. For a moment three of you only stare at each other without knowing what to to.

''The wolf is acting rather strange, maybe it is just a large dog?'' Jimin gains the courage to speak when nothing happens.

''No, I'm sure it's wolf. There isn't a dog that huge in this world'' Jungkook answer quickly back. Are they saying that you are fat? You huff annoyed and both men tense again. ''There is something definitely going on with this animal, I mean look at the sheep! They don't even flinch even when their natural predator is right next to them.''

''Perhaps its a werewolf?''

''Don't be an idiot those are just some stupid old tales to scare kids to behave.'' Jungkook tells rolling his eyes to his friend.  Only if you knew... 

You have come to understand that neither of them is going to pull a knife at you or go to ask for help. Maybe your behavior is really that odd for an animal. You get up on all fours and decide to leave just in case they have second thoughts. The men are left behind when you sprint in to run just before the forest line you end up taking a quick look back seeing them still dumb founded on the meadow.  What neither you or the two men doesn't notice is a extra pair of eyes looking after you when you disappear into the forest.

When you reach home you get a lifetime long lecture from your brother how it's disrespectful to leave from your own party even it wasn't a formal event.

''...I was so ashamed to tell to your future husband where you were as an alpha I should know these thing and even more as your brother...'' Jin keeps rambling on and there is no other option than you to swallow and listen.

When Jin finally stops panting you are finally able to put some words in. ''I'm sorry that I left. I will also apologize Mark.'' You tell nervously. There is no chance that you would tell Jin what actually happened during your little escape he would flip even more.

''Oh, I will make sure that you do, but for now you are under house arrest.''

''What the hell, I'm an adult, you can't do that to me!''

''Well you surely doesn't act like a one, so you won’t be treated as such.'' Jin barks back.

''You can't make me!''

''Maybe not as your brother but as your alpha I demand you to stay inside of these four walls until further notice.'' 

''I fucking can't believe you! Did you just use alpha’s command on me?'' 

''Yes I did.'' Jin's voice is firm when he answers but his eyes seem little hesitant.

''I can't stand you right now.'' You tell voice full of rage and go to your room slamming the door shut. Okay maybe you acted somewhat still like a teenager, but you just couldn't take your brother for now.

~

Jin surely kept his word, first two weeks of your house arrest you weren't allowed to leave the small cabin and only company you were allowed to have over was Mark, your future husband. At first your time spent together was awkward after all you had left him on the party but when days passed you were grateful from the company. You and Jin still avoided each other both regretting your fight but both too hard-headed to admit it. When the two weeks has passed you were allowed outside again, but only in the surrounding of your village, you weren't allowed to enter the forest and there was surely no speak about even going near the human village. You finally gained your true freedom when the summer has started to turn in to Autumn and the leaves on the trees started to turn different shades of yellow and red. Your fur's color has started to change color along with the leaves as well.

You still haven't admitted your faults to your brother and he didn't say that he is sorry either but you were having some sort of truce. You start to visit the forest border next to the human village again and time to time you are able to see glances of Jungkook but Jimin isn't nowhere in sight. Even Jungkook seems to miss his friend sighing time to time looking up the sky in longing. 

You are once again spying the humans but you are sad to notice that this time Jungkook isn't spending his time among the sheep and instead the field is out of humans.  You wait for a hour but only human that arrives is some stranger human man who is told to look after the sheep. 

You can see even when is his back against the woods that he is tall and muscular underneath his clothing even though this detail doesn't give you much.

You are about to turn around and leave when you finally hear a familiar voice. 

''Hey Jackson guess what!' Jungkook jells from a long way while he runs toward the meadow.

''You got accepted?'' Jackson answers with smirk when Jungkook stops in front of him panting.

''How did you know?'' Jungkook seems sad that he wasn't able to surprise the another man.

''Well you have been talking about becoming a soldier since you were a little kid.'' Jackson smirks.

''Not just any kind of soldier, I was accepted to trials to train to become on of the new king's guards. Anyone can apply to be a regular soldier and get in but only the best are accepted in to the kings watch.'' Jungkook is full of excitement like a little child.

''When you are leaving?''

''In two weeks. The journey  to the capital isn't a short one.'' 

''Ah, what do I do when both of you are gone? Jimin left to travel as touring performer and now you are also leaving me.'' Jackson sight dramatically. Wait Jimin is gone? You feel angry about how much you have missed.

'' I don't know, keep the mill rotating?'' Jungkook smirks subtly. 

''You know I do.'' Jackson sighs.

You have heard enough and let rest of the men's conversation to go in from an ear and out from another. Jungkook will be leaving the village and your chance with him will be lost forever. 

All this time you had secretly hoped to somehow to be with Jungkook even when you are engaged to another. You can see with your eyes how you will be spending rest of your life stuck in your village, which isn't that bad you love your home, and breeding pups to a man who you don't even love. At that moment you have made your decision, you had to make him to fall in love with you just in two weeks and hope that it was enough to stop him from leaving. Only problem in that was that you have to appear in front of him in your human form and if anything is scary to you then that is. ~ You cringe for your reflection but you had decided that little dressing up wouldn’t make any harm in your quest of charming your knight. You are wearing one of your few dresses, the one fitting for colder weather, and measuring the results. The dress is soft blue with tulle skirt and a matching bow on the back. You had struggled when you had tried to put corset on your own for a first time and with few failed attempts you had managed to put yourself somewhat together. Now the only problem was how you could slip out of the pact village without alerting your brother or the wolves who would be patrolling outside. It was almost dawn and you had thought that best opportunity to slip out without detecting in your current outfit was now. You could hear slight snoring coming from Jin’s room when you tried to sneak through the floor towards the front door. A creaking plank makes you halt when Jin’s snoring halts but you breath in relief when it continues after short pause. You shut the cabin door quietly and sigh in relief, one obstacle down and one left.  You hide behind of huge rock near the stream crossing your village when a patrolling wolf passes you. You hold your breath when the wolf walks past you. You are again grateful for your luck when he doesn’t spot you. Werewolves has heightened instincts but they were also able to move quietly without being detected if they had been training for year and luckily for you being an old’s alphas daughter and current ones sister you had been through many lessons. You walk over the bridge and are able to reach the other side of the village where the passageway to the forest is located. Your journey to the human village is slower than usual after all you don’t want to ruin your outfit by sifting and you have to settle walking on two feet instead. The sun is rising and painting the sky in light pink when you finally begun to near the forest border. You hesitate with your steps when you reach the meadow but collect your courage and step in to human world.  You walk across the meadow and past the sheep and sleeping sepherd to get on the border of the village. There is a low wooden fence separating the meadow from the village area and you cross over it easily. The scents hit you all at once. Usually when you are staying only by the border and meadow the air is full of scent of grass and sheeps wool masking the scents coming from the village. You look around in wonder and note to yourself that the place is slightly bigger than your home village. The roads are made of dirt and the houses are one or two floor buildings made of rocks and the roofs are mainly built with hey. You can see how a baker is opening his bakery putting freshly baked bread on display. The scent pulls you closer and you admire the freshly baked pastries though the window. The baker notices you and gestures you to come in but you shake your head and step away from the window. You didn’t have any human money. When you turn around you hit something and close your eyes hissing. Your head throbs and you rub your forehead with your temple. ‘’Oh, I’m so sorry are you okay miss?’’ You look up and recognize the man fas Jackson who you had earlier seen with Jungkook. Jackson’s eyes were full of worry and he searched your face worriedly. Jackson was carrying a heavy sack of flours on his shoulder and he was heading inside the bakery when you had spun around and caught him by surprise. You had to admit that up close Jackson was even better looking that you first thought but he was nothing compared to Jungkook in your eyes. The man has black hair covered with a brown transmitter cap and he is wearing a matching pants with white long sleeve shirt. ‘’I’m, I wasn’t looking where I was going. I should be the one to apologize.’’ You tell shyly. ‘’Let’s just say that we both are in fault then.’’ Jackson says flashing a small smile. ‘’I’m Jackson by the way.’’ Jackson tells offering his hand for you to shake. ‘’I kno- I mean I’m Y/N.’’ You had almost told him that you knew who he was but he didn’t seem to notice your mistake. ‘’I haven’t seen you around before. It’s rare to see strangers here.’’ ‘’Oh well, I’m just passing by with my brother…’You lie smoothly. If you would have said that you were traveling on your own you would get strange and disapproval looks, you were a woman after all! ‘’I see, where is he now if I may ask?’’ Jackson asks curiously.

‘’Um, I’m sure that he is around.’’ You try to pry him of. The bakery door opens and the baker steps out from the door. Only now you notice how similar his features are to Jackson and you are sure that he is related to him somehow. ‘’Jackson what are you doing? I need the flour, these breads won’t bake themselves.’’ The man tells jokingly.

‘’I’m sorry father I was caught in chatting with Y/-, oh she’s gone.’’ Jackson looks around and you aren’t nowhere to be seen, you had slipped away during his father had caught his attention. You decide to continue your adventure in the village and walk deeper into the center where you can see people waking up and getting ready to coming day. Small shops are opening their doors and welcoming customers in. You stop in front of a window of small tailoring shop and admire the dresses on display. Even though you didn’t wear dresses yourself it didn’t mean that you couldn’t admire them! A beautiful busy looking brown haired woman in her late forties comes by the window inside of the shop and starts to do adjustments on dresses in display but when she notices you she stops and taps on the window. You look her confused and soon she hurries out of the door. ‘’Hey miss, could I bother you for a sec?’’ She ask smiling excitedly. ‘’What do you need?’’ You ask curiously. ‘’You are in perfect size for a dress I’m making, could you model for me a little. I will be sure to pay for your troubles.’’ She tells measuring you with her gaze. ‘’I don’t know if I’m that good model.’’ ‘’Nonsense! Come in.’’ She doesn’t leave you space for argument when she pulls you after her into the small shop. You look around amazed seeing dresses, shirts, pants, vests and other pieces of clothing in different stages of making.  The woman leads you to the mannequin where a beautiful teal colored dress is  on display. The dress has a complicated corset and many layers which make you feel little stuffed even when you aren’t even the one wearing it. ‘’A customer of mine ordered this dress for her daughter’s birthday and I’m sure that you are close to her size. If you could wear it while I make few fixes it would help me a lot.’’ The woman continues while starting to remove the dress gently from the mannequin. You can’t put even a word in when she chatters away the dress. When she has finally removed the dress she pulls you behind the curtain with her and her hands find your dress’ strings. You stop her by putting your hand on top of hers. ‘’Uh Mam, you are eagerly trying to undress me while i don’t even know your name.’’ You tell smiling awkwardly. ‘’Oh, how silly of me when I get excited I keep forgetting to give my name. My name is Jeon Dae but you can call me just Dae.’’ She finally gives her name away. ‘’I’m Y/N.’’ You offer with small smile. ‘’Well it’s nice to meet you miss Y/N, are you still willing to help me?’’ Dae asks hopefully. You almost remind her that you never promised to help her at first place but decide otherwise. ‘’ I will and please just call me Y/N.’’ You agree and Dae gets to work to remove your dress and replace it with her model. For a while you just watch in silence how the woman spins around you a needle between her lips and a few other on her hand while making adjustments with her dress. A small bell chimes and someone steps in to the shop but you cant see the newcomer behind the heavy curtain. ‘’Mother it’s me.’’ You hear a familiar voice and you can swear that your heart stop beating for a second. ‘’I’m in the back with a customer, wait a second.’’Dae yells back. ‘’It’s my son Jungkook, I’m sure that you will like him.’’ Dae tells with smile and looks up from her crouched position from working the hem.

Steps near the curtain and stops in other side of it. ‘’Can I step in? Is the customer properly dressed?’’ He asks hesitating. ‘’Is it okay that my son comes in?’’ Dae asks you and you nod your head in loss of words. ‘’Okay, you can come in now.’’ Dae tells and the curtain is pulled aside revealing Jungkook’s cheerful face. You feel suddenly shy when you are so close to him for a first time and look down your feet. ‘’Jackson’s father send us some pastries as a thanks for you repairing his shirt yesterday.’’ Jungkook tells showing the paper bag in his arms. ‘’That’s so nice of him but he shouldn’t have to.’’ Dae answers with small smile. ‘’Jungkook this is Y/N, she offered to help me with the dress.’’ Dae introduces you turning Jungkook’s attention to you. ‘’Oh it’s nice to meet you, I’m glad that you offered to help my mother.’’ Jungkook tells with fond smile on his lips, he clearly loves his mother. ‘’Umm, it has no trouble at all.’’ You assure smiling shyly. ‘’I’m finally done.’’ Dae declares and looks the dress happily. ‘’The dress is pretty but so is the model.’’ Jungkook tells with a grin. ‘’I know, anyone wearing my clothes look neither dull or ugly but even without it she would be beautiful.’’ Dae agrees. ‘’Kook could you step outside for a little, I help Y/N to change back to her dress.’’ ‘’Sure.’’ Jungkook tells stepping back and disappearing on the other side of the curtain leaving you alone with Dae. Dae helps the teal dress away from you and helps pulling your dress back up. ‘’Jungkook is a great son but I hate that he is leaving me and my husband. On the moment when he told us his dream about becoming soldier I knew he was meant for it.’’ Dae tells smiling sadly. She finishes tightening your dress and smoothes the hem of the skirt. ‘’Okay we are all done. let's go back to the shop’s side. I’m sure that there is pastries enough for you too.’’ ~ When you return to your home the sun is already setting and you know that you are in trouble if Jin catches you. When you open the front door of your home Jin isn't the one who is waiting you. Mark is sitting on kitchen table and his head shot up in the moment he hears the front door opening. ‘’Where have you been and why you smell like that human.’’ He asks angrily getting you of guard. You have never heard Mark so unhappy. ‘’I was out. And I don’t know who you are talking about.’’ You tell putting your arms above your chest in defending manner. ‘’Y/N please, I know that you have been spying that human for a while now. I even followed you when I saw you sprinting away from you coming of age ceremony and you went to sleep next to him in your wolf form! I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I was ready to bark in any moment the men even looked you wrongly but you clearly didn’t care yourself enough to stay away.’’ Mark is almost yelling and he has started to stand during his speech. You look him with your mouth hanging open and only noise escaping from you is you shocked breathing. You are finally able to pull yourself together and speak. ‘’How long have you been spying on me?’’ You ask quietly your voice trembling. ‘’Long enough to know that we aren’t working.’’ Mark tells and falls back on his chair like all strength is escaping from him. ‘’Mark I’m sor-’’ ‘’Don’t you dare to say that you are sorry.’’ Mark glances you angrily. ‘’When your brother arrives home I will call our engagement of and you can be happily the first she wolf to break her pack traditions.’’ Mark tells with colorless voice. ‘’But I-’’ ‘’Y/n save it, could you go to your room I just can’t stand to be around you.’’ Mark tells and you obey him quietly. When you are about to close your bedroom door you swear that you can smell the salty scent of tears in the air.       When Jin arrives home and hears the news from Mark he is anything but pleased but when he is ready to yell at you after opening your bedroom door he changes his mind after finding you crying quietly on your bed. ‘’Hey, are you okay?’’ Jin asks and sits next to you on your bed. ‘’Do I look like I’m okay?’’ You bark for your brother’s question. ‘’I have ruined everything and when everyone in the village will hear what happened I will be a laughing stock.’’ ‘’No one dares to laugh at you, I make sure of it.’’ ‘’It’ doesn’t help that you are an alpha on the moment you turn your back the gossips will start again. ‘’ You tell shaking your head. Jin looks you back silently and begins to stroke your cheek. ‘’Do you know why she wolfs are forced to mate when they turn twenty?’’ he suddenly asks quietly. ‘’Because it's stupid tradition.’’You sniff. ‘’Well that too but there is another reason for it. When she wolf falls in love her hear can’t be changed. We usually pick mates for females because if she falls in love nothing can ever change it. If their mate dies or leave them it leads more often to death than not. I don’t like it either but male wolves doesn’t have the same problem, perhaps it because the survival of the species is on stage that they aren’t that deeply bonded like females are. We still love in our own way but our feelings are more humane when she wolves follow more their wolf sides. Our mother was able to leave our father because she wasn’t really in love. We try prevent she wolves for truly loving because we want to protect them.’’ Jin tells and you look him with wide eyes. ‘’Then the tradition is even more confusing. What if the she wolf is in love with the person she is meant to marry.’’ ‘’The divorce rate is really low if you haven’t noticed. If the couple loves each other that's great then but if they don’t male wolf rarely leaves in fear of breaking the female’s heart. I only wanted you to marry Mark because I feared losing you. I clearly didn’t realize how much you love that human.’’ Jin smiles sadly.

‘’I’m truly regretting to force you go through all of this.’’Jin tells and pulls you in to his embrace. You begin to cry again this time your tears aren’t quiet and you are crying loudly while your nose starts leaking along your chin and making a mess on Jin’s shirt. Still either of you cares or move. On that night jin sleeps next to you for a first time since your childhood while hugging you and whispering sweet nothings to your ear. ~ Even though your break up with Mark broke you a little you also feel relieved that pressure of your marriage has been lifted from your shoulders. JIn was the one to tell your father what has happened and you had been avoiding him in fear of judgement. You were once again heading for the human village only few day after your last visit when you had met jungkook in person for a first time. This time you had given up wearing a dress and were wearing a more comfortable attire, ap pair of leather pants and a black shirt paired with brown jacket. When you arrive on the meadow you raise your brows in surprise. You really didn’t except finding Jungkook practising with wooden spear against a doll made of heavy and a bright red target painted to it chest. Jungkook was sweating and panting heavily while practising strikes and dodges with the target. ‘’Hi.’’ You approach Jungkook waving shyly at him. ‘’Hi, where did you came from?’’ Jungkook asks panting and swiping a sweat from his forehead. His shirt is wet with his sweat and clinging dangerously to his chest revealing his abs. You try not to stare but are caught if you can say anything about Jungkook’s satisfied smirk. ‘’I was just hanging nearby,’’ You tell trying to avoid the subject. ‘’So what are you doing?’’ You try to change a subject and it seems working. ‘’I’m practicing for a test to become one of the King’s watch.’’ Jungkook tells. You act like you have heard it for a first time.’’ A king’s man that sound exciting but don’t you think how it's weird that no one has seen the king's face?’’ ‘’I know that the king is wearing a mask but so is his closest servants.’’ Jungkook shrugs his shoulders. ‘’I think he must have a good reason for it after all he has been a good king for past eight years.’’ He continues sounding certain. ‘’Well if you say so…’’ ‘’If he trusts me enough maybe one day I will be able to see his face.’’ Jungkook beams with excitement. ‘’Maybe. Hey I noticed few mistakes with your postures, do you mind if I help you?’’ ‘’Sure.’’ Jungkook agrees surprised. You take the spear from his hands and straighten your posture. Jungkook watches quietly your movements and admires you in seacret. He had thought that you were a pretty while wearing a dress but now you were even prettier while moving confidently with the spear in your hands.   Ever since that day you had showed up in early morning to practice with Jungkook and even at some point Jackson joined you after recovering from the surprise that you knew each other. The two weeks deadline was almost over but you tried not to think about it and spend all your free time with Jungkook. Even if he was suspicious from your origins he didn’t say anything and instead enjoyed spending time with you after all his best friend has left and he has been feeling lonely despite of Jackson offering his company. With you he felt close as he felt with Jimin and maybe even closer in some ways. Without even noticing Jungkook's feelings had developed into more deep than a friendship. You were following Jungkook into the woods giggling. You both were tipsy after Jungkook had bought a booze into today's training session and you both had felt the effects. Somehow you had thought that hide and seek in the forest would be a good idea so now you were hiding behind of huge spruce hardly able to hide your laughter. Even though the taste of alcohol Jungkook had offered wasn’t that good it was quick to get you both drunk. You laugh loudly when you feel arms around you and Jungkook raises you from the ground spinning you around. 

‘’Kookie put me down!’’ You laugh and Jungkook obeys with a low chuckle. You are spun around in Jungkook’s arms and you both look each other breathing heavily. Jungkooks lips finds yours and you answer hungrily for his kiss. Even though you are insecure with your actions and your kisses are more sloppy than his he doesn’t seem to mind. You pull away panting and smile at each other. ‘’I have wanted to do this for a while now.’’ Jungkook tells gaining courage from the alcohol. ‘’Me too.’’ You admit shyly. ‘’Good.’’ Jungkook answers and peeks your lips again. His hands begins to wonder on your body and measuring all of your curves. When Jungkook’s hands stops on your butt giving you a squeeze you gasp softly. ‘’Is this okay?’’ he asks stopping his actions. ‘’Yes, please keep going.’’ You beg and Jungkook is happy to oblige.  His hands pulls hem of your shirt and slides underneath of it his thumbs brushing your skin slightly making you shiver. Jungkook presses himself harder against you and you can feel his hardening bulge against your lower belly. Jungkook’s lips finds your once again and you move against his in slow rhythm. You are feeling a new things in your body that you haven't before but you are definitely enjoying them. ‘’Jungkook.’’ You whine against his lips. ‘’Tell me what you need.’’ Jungkook tells his voice husky. ‘’I-I’m not sure.’’ You admit embarrassed. ‘’It’s okay, I got you if you let me.’’ Jungkook smiles softly. ‘’I trust you.’’ You admit and it is all he need as permission to push you against the tree behind of you. Jungkook’s hands find your pants and slides gently among the trim. He slips his index finger in slowly his face observing your reactions for a whole time. You part your mouth slightly when Jungkook’s finger slides on your outer lips. ‘’Tell me if you want me to stop.’’ He tells and dips his finger between your folds. Jungkook moves his finger around your clit collecting your juices with him. You shudder when he adds his thumb into the mix rubbing your clit lightly. You feel your stomach making flips and a moan escapes your lips.You try to keep quiet biting your lip bu Jungkook stops you. ‘’No let me hear you.’’ He tells and you obey letting even the smallest noises to escape your lips.  Jungkook slips his index finger slowly into your hole and it sucks it right in and it's no wonder after all you are getting really soaked.  At first you feel uncomfortable with the invasion but your displeasure is quick to turn around after he starts to pump his finger in and out slowly while his thumb keeps working on your clit. Soon you need more and tell that to Jungkook who slips second finger inside of you. This time the stretch is wider and you cling to Jungkook's arm while he keep working to bring you nearer to your peak. ‘’I think I’m close.’’ You moan and squeeze his arm tighter in your fist leaving small half moon mark from your nails. ‘’Y/N it’s okay to let go, come for me.’’ Jungkook assures and presses his thump harder against your clit while moving his fingers and finally you snap. You mewl loudly when you are pushed over the edge and you close your eyes almost falling from the intensity of your orgasm. Only thing keeping you up is the tree trunk behind of you and Jungkook's strong hands which have left your pants. When your high finally settles you look Jungkook panting. ‘’That was amazing.’’ You tell your eyes wide from emotion. ‘’I’m glad you think that. Y/N I’m late to ask this but are you a virgin?’’ Jungkook asks blushing. ‘’Oh, I’m.’’ You admit blushing. ‘’That’s okay, I had to know so I go slow.’’ ‘’We aren’t done?’’ You ask surprised. ‘’Not even close.’’ Jungkook smirks. ‘’Can I remove your pants?’’ He asks his hands wandering to your waist. ‘’Okay.’’ You are quick to agree after the pleasure you just experienced. You being a werewolf have made you used to being naked with other people and that fact also helps you with your shyness. Jungkook kneels to remove your boots and then pulls your pants away from you legs. You feel embarrassed after your juices clings to your pants and thighs but Jungkook just shakes his head slightly and smiles. Jungkook pulls his pants lower freeing his member and you can’t help but stare. His member is already leaking with precum and his tip is angry color of red. ‘’Turn around.’’ Jungkook tells and bend you slightly so you are taking support from the tree your ass on display. ‘’You have a really pretty butt.’’ he tells and smacks it slightly which makes you moan. ‘’Oh you like to be spanked? We can explore that kink later but right now I need to be inside of you or I will literally explode.’’ Jungkook spears your legs wider so he fits better in between of them and slides his cock up and down your outer pussy lips to collect your juices. He pushes the tip of his member in making you sift and whine in discomfort. ‘’Do I need to stop?’’ Jungkook asks halting.

‘’No, just be slow.’ You assure already feeling the familiar heat in your belly. Jungkook obeys and slides inside of you slowly spearing you wider. When he is fully seated he halts and brushes your hair out of way kissing you neck. After you feel comfortable enough you speak. ‘’You can move now.’’ Jungkook is quick to follow and slides almost all the way out and then slides slowly back in. He repeats the motion for few times until you get impatient. ‘’Go faster and harder,’’ ‘’Are you sure?’’ ‘’I'm just please Jungkook I need-’’ You moan when his thrust gets more speed and strength. ‘’Say my name again.’’ Jungkook tells burying his hands into your hips so hard that he is surely leaving marks. ‘’Jung-kook.’’ You pant when Jungkook pounds inside of you without mercy.  Jungkook moans for that and for a while only sounds that fills the forest are your both needy moans. You feel the tightening feeling nearing you again. ‘’I’m close.’’ You warn and Jungkook's hand sneaks around your body to find your clit. With the extra simulation you came seeing stars behind your eyelids. Your insides squeezing Jungkook’s dick hard like a wine makes him careless and he comes right there inside of you. Jungkook pulls away from you shuddering his seed leaking out of your used hole. Jungkook curses and blames the alcohol for him being careless. ‘’What’s wrong?’’ You ask after you come back to the ground again. ‘’I came inside of you.’’ Jungkook tells feeling guilty. ‘’Oh, its okay I can’t get pregnant right now.’’ ‘’How you are so sure?’’ Jungkook asks worriedly. ‘’I just am.’’ You assure, you can’t just tell him that you can’t come pregnant outside of your heat. A small yawn escapes your lips and Jungkook spins you leaning against the tree so you are facing him again.  Jungkook helps your pants back up quietly and adjust his own. He pulls you on the ground him leaning against the tree this time and putting you to his lap without caring the coldening air. You yawn again and relax in his arms. You are almost asleep when he whispers. ‘’Don’t worry if you got pregnant i take the responsibility.’’   Next morning you wake up in Jungkook’s loud scream of horror. You open your eyes your body in full alert and ready to attack anyone who is threatening you. ‘’Oh my god, did a wolf eat Y/N last night and I didn’t hear a thing?’’ He shudders and backs of crawling from you. You look him with wide eyes feeling confused when it hits you at once. you had changed in to your wolf form while sleeping your previous night's clothes torn around your form. You curse at yourself, you never turned in human if you slept as a wolf but it happened sometimes other way around. You try get in to standing position but Jungkook shakes even more in fear seeking his belt and a knife which is hanging there loosely.  At that moment you know what you have to do. Your bones start cracking and joints popping in front of Jungkook when your fur crawls back inside revealing a human skin. When your change is complete Jungkook looks you with shock. ‘’Y/N!’’ He whines and faints on the ground. You carry Jungkook’s unconscious form on the border of meadow and run away in your wolf form back to your village. You run through your village as fast as your paws carry you and bark in to your home to find Jin reading a book in the living area. ‘’Y/N what’s wrong.’’Jin asks worriedly and gets up from his seat. You sift in front of him without caring being naked and Jin covers his eyes quickly picking a blanket from one of the seats and throwing it at you. ‘’In sake of Luna cover yourself.’’ Jin screams. There is some limits that even werewolves follows and the one is being to avoid seeing your siblings naked even though you can’t sometimes avoid it. You are just in too big shock and denial to register your actions fully and you would surely be ashamed later on. You tie your blanket tightly around you and only by then Jin looks back at you again. ‘’Jin.’’ You cry and walk to your big brother's open arms. ‘’Tell me what’s wrong pup.’’ Jin uses a nickname that he hasn’t used in years. ‘’Jungkook knows what I’m now.’’ You tell crying and Jin keeps hugging you and petting your hair. ~ You return to the human village and this time Jin is following you in his wolf form just in case. It's the day that Jungkook is supposed to leave to the capital and you are terrified of losing him.  You don’t expect much but feel warmth spearing through your body when you see Jungkook sitting in middle of the meadow staring the forest deeply in his thoughts. He has a heavy bag back next to him and he is weared for a traveling. Jin snuggles you with his snot to step out of the woods and he stays behind waiting for you. When Jungkook sees you stepping out of the forest he gets quickly up from the ground. You stop leaving a space between of you and Jungkook so he would feel more secure. To your surprise Jungkook takes a closing steps and without a word pulls you into his embrace. ‘’I thought that I wouldn’t see you again.’’ he breathes into your hair and loosens his hold so he can see your face. ‘’I thought that I would scare you.’’ You say confused. ‘’You could never scare me. I admit I was shocked and didn’t take it well but I felt really broken after I woke up alone and you were nowhere to be seen.’’ Jungkook admits. ‘’At least now I know the wolf who was so brave to sleep next to me.’’he adds with small chuckle. ‘’I’m happy that you feel that way.’’ You admit and glance his bag sadly. ‘’Are you leaving?’’ ‘’I have to but I promise to get you when I can.’’ Jungkook tells feeling guilty. ‘’It’s my dream to serve the king.’’ ‘’I know.’’ You smile sadly and a tear slips from you eyes. ‘’I will always come back to you my wolf girl.’’ Jungkook tells pressing his lips against your he also crying. A bark from the forest line pulls you apart and you see your brother who has stepped out form the meadow and gesturing you to follow. ‘’It’s my brother.’’ You tell to confused Jungkook. ‘’Oh.’’ Is all that Jungkook can say measuring the huge wolf in front of him. Even though he said that he accepts you it doesn’t mean that he adjust in a seconds. ‘’I will be always waiting you by the treeline.’’ You tell stepping away from Jungkook. ‘’And I will be always calling my wolf.’’ 

[mx-in-words]

Monsta x being jealous reaction

I really loved your writing for the Monsta x reaction to you being jealous, could you do it the other way, please?!

↬ Shownu

starting with our favourite leader 

shownu is the type of guy who gets jealous but only tells you IF IF IF IF IF  you notice

THE MEN HAS NO FACIAL EXPRESSION!!!

i MEAN he has but only on stage opsss

anyway he never gets jealous about just guys hitting on you 

he gets jealous of your attention 

so here you were, at changkyun’s birthday and you were helping kihyun and kyunnie in the kitchen

that's was fine 

but you were laughing at the boys

and being gorgeous ( why are you being like this? CAN YOU TRY TO BE UGLY ???? shownu calm down boy) 

so he kinda gets angry and wants your attention

 BUT HE does nOT tell YOU!!!

SO you just keep going like nothing happened 

until you ask him to help you 

and he just looks at you like grrr

you: ?? honey? 

then everything just clicks in your mind 

he is: J E A L O U S 

YOU HUG HIM

give him attention and he will be fine 

sn: >:( 

you : * smooches love and kisses*

sn: :3 

yeah that’s it he is fine now. 

the second they are less jealous they are just... baby boys, right? 

↬ Wonho

BABY I MISS YOU SO MUCH

mbb keep fighting for your love he deserves everything

Anyway

We know he is needy and he is VERY jealous of mbb, imagine in a relationship

He trusts you thought... He just doesn't trust men. ( Who do I mean tf)

YOU are his precious treasure 

nobody can touch you without your permission 

so when both of you were in one of those jooheons party’s and a strange guy started to be touching and flirty with you, he was already all over the guy 

the thing is, he is waiting for your “permission”

you stopped him 

you: I already told you, I HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND YOU IDIOT

you pushed the guy and held wonho’s hands 

you: men are annoying 

wh: that’s right, men suck, sorry for being one

you: I mean if all of them were like you...

wh: would it be better? yes but... you could replace me for someone better

you: Wonho, that’s not such a thing. I will never in my life find someone better and more perfect for me, you're the only one, my love. 

wh: good, because I am all ours. 

will kiss u in front of that asshole just because he can ;)

and bc he wants

I mean, he is very touchy with you in public to not get in these types of situation 

his bigger fear is that your strong personality put you in a big fight and you get hit or worse you know? 

he hates the fact that guys only respect you bc of him and not for the fact that you are a person

and he lives to hate men with you 

and keeps telling that, harassment its NOT your fault and will never be. 

yes mbb, we stan the right men <3

↬ Minhyuk

wjneiwnejeej a little mothafuckr

Follow me on this one

He is a free young spirit who is not controlling or do not wants you to feel trapped at all

bUT

You are H I S girl

Not just like a gf

You are his partner/best friend/ lover

So no!!! he is not sharing the moments you both are supposed to do with someone else

He doesn't care if guys eat you with the eyes ( unless you care, and you do, so rip to them)

So watching a hero movie in the theatre with kihyun because is the movie premiere and he is working as an MC that night? It's a no-no to him

And as every demon Scorpio, you should know revenge is coming

He is basically not hanging with you

At all

You both live together and he is like " oh hey StRanGeR"

So you just apologise bc you miss him

And he misses you too so he MIGHT feel guilty and apologise too

mh: " I hate eating alone and sorry I did use your favourite serum last night just bc I was mad but I will buy another one you know youareeverythingtome just just... Don't hang out with kihyun alone doing stuff that me ME YOUR BOYFRIEND Lee minhyuk should do!!!!! Iloveyousorrysorry"

You can only laugh and kiss him

And ofc you sure him that hanging with kihyun is like taking your old aunt out bc she needs her vitamin c.

He is never letting kihyun live after this

You both good.

:) he is too soft to make you in pain

↬ Kihyun

I honestly hate kihyun sassy ass 

but I love him :( 

he is A JEALOUS BITCH 

a lil bit controlling... just keep him at his place and it will be fine

he gets more jealous of your friends and coworkers 

because in his head, if you already like/love them, they can steal you 

what a smart hamster 

but dumb bc you wouldn't replace him 

and even with a superego, like everyone, kihyun has his insecurities

so yes > afraid of losing you< its an issue here

one day you just keep telling about your friend wooyoung 

and how happy you are for him and his lover

because he made like the cutest things for their one-year anniversary 

and you just keep telling all the details, excited for your friend 

kihyun gets jealous and mad because he thinks you’re saying that wooyoung is better, more romantic 

kh: okay just date him already 

you: ???? what?

kh: you only talk about how is he the most romantic guy right? i get it

you: no its not- 

kh: I might not have a lot time for you bc of the band but I swear I try my very best for you, I mean if you are unhappy with me I understand but 

you: kihyun shut up 

he looks at you, damn he is mad 

you sigh bc this hoe is mad for nothing

you: first of all wooyoung is gay and his lover is san 

kh: ohh

you: yeah ohhh, plus I am very satisfied with you baby why would you say that? I love you bitch, I ain't never gonna stop loving you, bitch

kh: I love you too baby and stopping using old vines to tell you love me 

you: no 

you: I WANT A CHURCH BOY WHO GOES TO CHURCH AND READ HIS BIBLEEEE

kh: that’s it goodbye 

kihyun has left the room

but smiling bc he loves you 

↬ Hyungwon

GOD HE DOES NOT CARE AT ALL

maybe because we know hyungwon is a very straightforward person 

and you two make sure to always make clear each other feeling and thoughts

so Won knows how much you love him 

you love him and he loves you

what's more important than that?

so when the fandom and the media discover about you two 

that was rumours about you cheating on him with your best male friend

and someone photoshopped a picture of you two kissing 

hyungwon saw this and immediately made sure to speak to the press

hw: this picture is fake and y/n is only a friend of the male with her, she is loyal so don't try to break something that is unbreakable

you cried seeing that bc 

your men>>>>>>>>>>>>

you: baby you didn't tell me about that

hw: I didn't want to worry you, it’s okay now 

you: you really trust me huh? 

hw: of course I do 

he kissed you gently 

hw: also, I am a 10 and your friend is a 7 in the max, seriously you must be crazy to even think about cheating on me  

you: you're right, I could never 

you hug him because he is so precious uwu 

And damn he is right

He is a god

Could you tell me where can I find my own hyungwon?

↬ Jooheon

SO HAHA remember this lil shit?

with all that “ jealous is for ppl who don’t trust each other”?

haha BULLSHIT 

once again joo trust you of course 

but he gets annoyed 

world please understand 

YOU ARE HIS GIRL 

PERIODT!!!! 

so let's say that some pictures of you being hella sexy were out for the public

nothing promiscuous just

sexy you know?

so these pics were out ( was intentional bc you were promoting for a friend)

but everyone was talking about 

so one rapper commented “ damn that’s hot” 

and well

jooheon is not happy about this 

he knows its only a campaign but DOES PPL NEED TO TALK THAT YOU ARE HOT? 

jh: asshole hot is my fucking hand after slap your ugly face I swear I will cut everyone hand that commented those things about my girl 

you: jooheon

jh: what??? 

you: well forget it, you're mad :( 

he is sorry for being angry 

jh: sorry baby, just tell me pretty baby ~

you: I was going to say... why don’t you do what they want so badly?

he still didn't understand

so you sit on his lap

kissing his neck, you whisper close to his ears 

you: why don’t you show me what only you can do? 

you: why don't you make me scream the name of the only person that can touch my body? 

jh: oh baby, you can bet I will, gladly 

he smirks and...

you know ;)

( I am not weak for angry!jooheon, you are)

↬ Changkyun

he is the most passionate guy 

that’s why Kyun is so confusing in my eyes

he pretends he is cold, but he is soft

he pretends being dope, he is weird

he pretends to be a fuckboy but is romantic 

he pretends he does not care, but he cares, waaay too much 

maybe both of you are jealous 

nobody has ever said about being exclusive at all

but it was an exclusive thing 

both just didn't know ( clowns 🤡)

the game was going to be a draw

but kyun couldn't help himself when that guy was touching you way too much 

taking way to much smiles and laughs of you 

when he could look at you way to close 

and dance way to sensual with you 

no, he couldn't help himself of picking you and find an empty place to talk 

ck: look I just... why are you with him? 

you: kyun I mean, you were with that girl too and, wait, you're jealous?

kyun just keep looking at you like you discover his dark secret  

you: good, I was with him to make jealous 

ck: really?

you: yeah so just fucking kiss me 

and he did 

all night

making sure that from now, you're his

and he is yours 

like is supposed to be 

<3 

[katsukikitten]

Hi! I was wondering if you could could do bakugo with a depressed and self-harming s/o? Shes trying so hard not to do but it was one of those days that the urge was almost impossible to ignore? Sorry if its too dark, i just feel this very mood rn. Sorry to bother you and i love your work ❤️💕

This would never bother me love. Please feel free to message me should you need me. You have my full support and I will always help you to my best abilities.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'LL LOSE THE BATTLE. I KNOW YOU ARE STRONG YOU CAN DO THIS.

It sat on your shoulder, weighing down on your mind, body and soul. Wispy fingers digging into flesh as it peers over you too curious for it's own good.

It smiles a jagged tooth smile as it sees what has your heart and mind racing so erratically. It morphs all on it's own as you stare at the 34% written in blotchy red ink and it seems to whisper with a gravely voice.

*"Worthless."*

You twist at your skin on your forearms agitating old scars that burn to be reopened and picked over for the next few weeks. Your forearm reddens from the Indian burn you're giving yourself all the while your mind stays on a dark loop. Repeating things over and over as you try to understand this failing grade.

As you try to wrap your mind around how in the hell could this be your fifth one in a row.

You were going to fucking flunk, you were going to have to say good bye to your dreams, to all of your aspirations as a hero. You thought you might as well go back to the dorms and start packing now as you proved to yourself exactly what you've always known and exactly what it's always breathed down the nape of your neck.

*"Not good enough."*

The skin begins to bloom in blues and purples, much like a moody flower as you're absorbed in thought trying to break the cycle of it.

Trying to ignore the call of old burns on your ribs from your friends curling iron, trying so damn hard to not hear that the school is teaming with sharp objects to slice yourself with.

So absorbed really that you do not hear the bell dismissing school, only the rushing blood in your ears.

Oblivious to the burning eyes that watch your hand work, that have seen the scars in training but would never be shameless enough to ask.

He figured it out quickly, noticing with deft eyes the neatly set rows of dated scars, of their organization and as far as he knew you had never been captured.

A strong hand wraps around the wrist that has been twisting the past hour.

"Enough. It's just a grade. I'll help you study." All biting voice as his vice grip dies down. He has your backpack on what is normally his free shoulder. You blush furiously, feeling shame heat your cheeks as you hadn't realized you were being so obvious.

"Let's go Y/LN!" He shouts now from the door trying to keep the bite out of his voice.

He fails as the chair scrapes against the cold linoleum. He bites his lip waiting for you to fall into step.

The walk home is silent and awkward at best. Embarrassment creeps in reddish hues onto your cheeks as you think of who else may have seen you.

Who else noticed your unstable mind and insecure actions?

The thought has you subconsciously twisting again as thoughts swirl faster and faster as they think of what will relieve the tension.

Did you have any more razors? Surely one of the girls did, if not the corner store.

But did you have the extra cash?

As you rack your brain for either a hidden stash of instruments or cash it hits you. You had that lighter your stole ages ago. It only took 70 seconds for a burn to form. 70 agonizingly lovely seconds for your skin to warp and bubble until the pain was so numbing you felt your body go slack. Your brain finally giving you endorphins you so thoroughly craved.

And the best part about a burn is that it would hurt for weeks after, and especially so any time you introduced it to hear. Skin jaded from its previous encounter with unpleasantly warm.

Just as your nails begin to break skin a calloused hand has gripped your wrist once more. Hand slipping into yours while intertwining fingers in a bone crushing grip.

"Whatever it is you're thinking. You better not." Its a threat that actually scares you.

How had he read your mind? You swallow thickly while trying not to look any more suspicious under his exceptionaly watchful eye.

Once the two of you reach the dorm he squeezes your hand tightly, slipping your back onto your shoulder before growling in your ear.

"Whenever you feel...down you come to me." His voice is darker than you've ever heard before he lets go of your hand waltzing into the dorms.

Days pass with the single thought of painful released flooding your system.

Anytime you reached for your lighter you thought of burning red eyes.

Of the wraith that would be looming in them.

Of the disappointment.

You gulp down air as you try to fight it especially now that the inanimate object seems to have gained a voice.

A voice that echos what the wispy black beast that hangs onto your back screams in your ear.

*"Do it. Do it. DO IT!"*

It said it every time you were in the shower and around razor heads lying around, screeched when it saw the sharp edge of a broken tile in the bathroom. It yelled it during practice as you watched Todoroki's flame lick greedily at the ground, at the walls of the fake city.

Dancing in the sunlight as if it were a savior, calling out to be caressed as the paint beneath bubbled and warped.

Your fingers had reached out. Had begun to feel the heat.

Until you were so selfishly ripped away by strong hands and heated scarlet eyes.

Shoving you to continue the mission.

It took on new words now as you reached for your box in your closet. Taking down the black shoe box of sad poems and long forgotten notes from long forgotten friends.

And as you stare down at the scratched chrome rectangle, flopping open the top.

You still hear that magical sound of sloshing butane. Now you just have to hope the flint is still good. Hesitation seizes your muscles as your thumb rests on the steel wheel, is this really such a good idea?

Think of all of the people who abandoned you when they found out.

Think of the hurt shining in your parents eyes when they saw the scars littering your body, wondering what they did to make you so unhappy.

Think of how you only feel smaller when you do it.

You're about put it away, seal it back in its black converse labeled coffin when that wispy small thought you'd tried so hard to talk over is finally heard.

*"But think of how good it feels in the moment."*

With that your thumb comes fully down, the flint sparks igniting the soaked wick that now dances in the comfort of your room.

Singing its praises, asking you to come closer for a reward.

You listen, bringing your hand down slowly over the lit lighter, as the heat turns from pleasantly warm to Redding burn.

Closer still you push your palm until your skin is in the flame. Silently ticking by the seconds.

35 have passed as you're halfway there, the smell of skin is staring to waft onto the air as your skin has already become distorted, discolored as the flames lovingly leave your with a heated numbness.

At least for now.

A knock comes at the door, earning you a small yelp. Suddenly the fire has become hot, burning as you flick closed the top and drop the lighter.

"J..just a minute." You call out starring at your palm gripping at your wrist.

"Hurry up. We don't have much time to study before bed. Your retake is in two days." His voice comes out gruff starling you even more.

You hadn't asked for Bakugou's help, so why was the hot head barking on the other side of your door.

Shit.

This was getting worse by the second. With nothing to wrap your hand it you tell yourself you'll be able to hide it as you reach for the doorknob. Causing a pain to shoot from your hand all the way up to your shoulder as you force the fried nerves onto a cool surface. Twisting as you go.

Maybe it wasn't your best idea to use it on your dominate hand.

But what's done is done.

"We c...can go to the common room and study." You suggest but barges himself in anyway standing just inside your door as he thinks of the best way to avoid the landmine of clothes and books scatter across the hardwood.

"Too loud." He dismisses finding the perfect path to your desk.

The perfect path that has his boot toeing the lighter. Causing it to skid into his sight. He leans over to pick it up, feeling the warmth coming from it and finally placing the odd smell that lingers in your room.

He glares over his shoulder as your heart pounds in your throat, causing a lump to form as you see what you told yourself was going to be there.

Anger.

Disappointment.

Especially so with how neatly he sets down the test materials, stepping with precise foot steps before he stands in front of you.

Heated sugar begins to flood the room before a few uncontrolled pops ring our over his shoulders and forearms.

"What's this?" He asks calmly which scares you more than anything and when you cannot answer he notices you hiding your dominate hand.

"N..n..nothing Bakugou. I...I found it on campus and thought it looked cool. I wanted to..to keep it." You stumble with frayed nerves as you avoid his eyes, telling a half truth. You do collect odd things that you find. Thinking they bring you fortune and you did find the zippo on campus, just not this one.

He looks you over debating before he grits his teeth. Hand causing the lighter to explode.

"And then you lie to me." He comes out dark, rubbing you the wrong way as you think of all the other faces his match right now.

As you remember that they gave you their backs becoming nothing more than memories and empty promises immortalized on line paper that rots in a coffin made of a black converse box.

You cannot stop the tears as you fall to the floor. Crying loudly and openly, large droplets raining down onto your shirt and the hard wood floor.

Bakugou's own heart lodges in his throat as he stares down at you.

Per the usual fucking up how you're supposed to react.

This wasn't supportive like the internet had said. Nor was it loving.

Hell, if anything this was the exact opposite of what was advised to do. And here he stood losing his temper over something you clearly struggled with.

The worst part to him was that there was nothing he could do to change this, to alter how you feel. To stop you all together and force you into a different, more healthy coping mechanism.

No all he could was watch from the sidelines.

And Bakugou Katsuki was a starter.

He sighs sinking to his knees pulling you into him as you stain his pressed shirt. Dampen it until nothing else comes out and the numbness begins to set in.

All the while he smooths down your hair and let's his hand travel down your back in a loving warm touch. When he thinks you are done he pushes you away so he can stare into your gorgeous eyes and admits what he never thought he would.

"I can't fix this for you. I can't take it away. I cant fight it off. Kiss it away. Fuck it away. Or rip the urge from your body." He squeezes your shoulders tightly, "Only you can do that."

The two of you stay quiet as you realize the weight of his words.

"You're the only one strong enough to fight this. I can support you, I can be a shoulder to cry on, a punching bag whatever. But I can't fucking fix this for you." Another pop from his shoulders before he let's out a shaking sigh, "But I sure as fuck believe in you. You stopped once. You can stop again. As long as you keep getting back up Y/N it doesn't matter that you *ever* fell. So please....please let me help you. Let me be that shoulder, that punching back. That void you vent to."

More tears glisten in your eyes as he kisses your forehead, he pulls you back into another death grip hug, voice threatening to crack as he adds.

"Please let me help you kick this things ass."

[geralehane]

Day 4: Let It Snow

(where clexa are snowed in and neither is too pleased about that but then they bang)

December 21st, 7:28 p.m.

It’s been snowing for two days straight. Today’s the third, and so far there’s no sign of stopping. Clarke doesn’t really mind. Sure, she’s not a fan of snow and cold, but that’s exactly why she’s hiding inside, with a warm blanket and hot cocoa and countless tv shows to keep her company.

And, of course, Lexa, who’s trapped with her and who honestly could’ve left the first night but chose to stay. Clarke can’t say she’s unhappy about it. Quite the opposite.

Strong arms snake around her waist from behind, and Clarke smiles when she feels Lexa nuzzle her neck. “Morning.”

“I think you mean evening. We slept all day. It’s already dark outside.”

“As long as I’m with you,” Lexa murmurs into her hair, “I don’t care.”

Her reply is a slow, lazy kiss.

December 19th, 4:13 p.m.

“Well, it’s official,” Clarke announces, not looking up from her phone. “The city is closed down. Pretty sure power’s about to go out soon, too.”

“Great,” Lexa mumbles, running a hand through her hair. “Just what I needed today.”

This time, Clarke does look up from her phone to squint at her. “Is the idea of spending time with me that horrible to you, Lexa?” She’s not going to lie. It stings. It really fucking hurts, truth be told. And, okay, maybe it is kind of her own fault, but that doesn’t mean she has to like it.

Lexa sighs - and the way she does, tired and weary, only serves to agitate Clarke further. “You know that’s not what I meant, Clarke. I have things to do. I planned to be home by six. Obviously, that’s not happening now. And…” She takes a deep breath, and Clarke has a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She’s pretty sure she’s not gonna like whatever it is Lexa’s about to say. “It’s not that terrible - spending time with you. But - I believe I would be speaking for both of us when I say it is uncomfortable given our history.”

Clarke flushes angrily before stomping on it, swallowing the truth down like a bitter pill that it is. Lexa’s right. It is uncomfortable. But it seems they have different reasons.

It’s difficult for Lexa because Clarke’s hurt her. It’s difficult for Clarke because she wants her. Story that’s been told countless times over and over; and Clarke can’t believe she’s one of those stories now.

A love loved and a love lost. How tragic and entirely cliche.

She swallows. “I thought we agreed to stay friends.”

Lexa’s emerald eyes are dark and unreadable. “We did,” she quietly says. “But back then I didn’t count on being - um. I wasn’t ready for spending so much time with you in such close quarters.”

“You mean you didn’t know you were going to be stuck with me,” Clarke says.

Lexa stays silent, and it makes everything worse.

December 21st, 8:13 p.m.

“You totally cheated!”

“What? No I didn’t!”

Lexa huffs, and Clarke really wants to kiss her. “We already dealt ace of hearts. There’s no way it was in the deck. You took it from the other pile.”

Clarke really wants to kiss her, and so she does. Lexa’s lips are warm and eager on her own, and when she breaks the kiss, leaning back, Lexa stays there, eyes still closed, a small smile on her face. “Okay,” she says quietly. “Now you’re really cheating.”

She chuckles. “So what if I am?”

This time, it’s Lexa who leans in and gives her a gentle kiss, making her melt.

December 19th, 6:39 p.m.

“Costia must be worried sick,” Clarke comments out of blue, taking another sip of her wine. She wonders if that second glass prompted her to speak up. She wonders if she wants to hear what Lexa has to say about her surprising choice of topic of conversation.

Lexa clears her throat and doesn’t look at Clarke when she answers. “I doubt it,” she says. “We haven’t spoken in months.”

Clarke is really proud of herself when she manages not to drop the glass when her heart leaps into her throat. Come on, she scolds herself. Really? Lexa went through a break-up and you’re happy? Some friend you are.

But that’s the thing, she replies stubbornly to herself. I don’t want to be her friend. It’s not enough.

It’s never going to be enough.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she says out loud. “I mean - are you okay?”

She watches Lexa shrug and stare ahead. “I think so.” She looks down at her glass of wine, still untouched. “It was - we disagreed on some things, and she left. She did let me know she found a place to stay and her brother came by to get her stuff two weeks ago so I know she’s alive and well. It is weird without her there, but… I’m okay. I think.” Lexa’s words are as jumbled as Clarke’s feelings.

It’s still snowing outside, and Clarke swallows as she discreetly studies Lexa’s profile, illuminated by candlelight, the lines of her face sharp and gorgeous. “And what things did you disagree on?” She asks, surprised at how dry her throat has become.

Lexa smirks, bitter and humorless. “Some things,” she repeats herself. “Mostly my feelings.” She doesn’t clarify further, but Clarke doesn’t need her to.

Their gazes meet, and the unspoken ‘for you’ hangs heavily in the air between them, ready to fall and shatter.  

December 21st, 9:35 p.m.

“Fuck,” Clarke pants. Her heart is fluttering madly in her chest, and she revels in that feeling. Revels in feeling Lexa’s naked skin slide against her own, slick with sweat. Basks in Lexa’s confident smirk that borders on arrogant. It used to infuriate her. Now, she finds it endearing.

She finds it endlessly sexy.

“I take it you liked it,” Lexa teases, leaning down to press a quick kiss to Clarke’s lips and let her taste herself, heady and tangy with lust. She laps it all off Lexa’s mouth, eager and greedy for more.  

“You don’t have to be an ass about it,” she laughs when Lexa gently breaks the kiss. “Of course I liked it. I loved it.”

Lexa’s green eyes are soft and smiling. “I love you.”

“Sap.” Another kiss, barely there, tender and light. “I love you, too.”

December 19th, 8:00 p.m.

“I never once said I didn’t have feelings for you,” Clarke fires back, feeling the familiar burn of anger course through her veins. Lexa doesn’t look like she’s feeling any better. Her cheeks are flushed, whether from anger or alcohol, Clarke’s not sure; and her eyes are narrowed and focused.

“Yes,” she mockingly agrees with Clarke, her glare steady. “And you never once said you did have them, either.”

“That’s not true,” Clarke says, knowing perfectly well just how true it is. But - she was so many things back then. Fresh out of a year-long relationship, scared, unsure if she was ready. Insecure and terrified and - was it Lexa she liked, or was it the idea of Lexa?

It was Lexa. Of course it was Lexa, but she was too busy with all the shit that was happening in her life to really see that, and when she did, it was too late.

Except - Lexa never gave her a second chance, did she? “You never gave me a second chance,” Clarke voices her hurt out loud.

Okay, maybe saying that wasn’t a wise decision on her part. Seems like she’s all out of those lately.

She can almost feel how hot Lexa’s glare is on her skin. “I never gave you a second chance,” Lexa repeats lowly. Clarke cringes. She hates when Lexa gets like this. Her quiet, cold rage is so much more terrifying than any screaming. “You said you weren’t ready, and I respected your wishes for months. You weren’t ready alright. For me. You were very ready for Finn, were you not?”

Ah, and so they’ve arrived to the worst mistake of her life. She sincerely hopes that’s the last one she makes. At least with Lexa.

She can’t hurt her like this ever again. “It didn’t mean anything,” she whispers. “Lexa, I swear, it didn’t mean anything.”

Lexa’s eyes shine, and for the first time since that awful, horrible night, Clarke is allowed to see the hurt dulling the emerald green again. “Did I ever mean anything?”

“I’m so sorry,” Clarke chokes through her unshed tears, “I’m so sorry you even have to ask that.”

“Well,” Lexa swallows. “I do.”

December 21st, 11:25 p.m.

Lexa’s abs quiver under Clarke’s wet, slow kisses as she climbs back up to drop her final kiss on plump lips, happily sighing into them.

“That was amazing,” Lexa whispers to her when they part. “Thank you.”

“Lexa,” she laughs, plopping down next to her and sighing again when Lexa gathers her in her arms. “You don’t have to thank me every time I go down on you. Just putting it out there.”

“Ah, yes, you did put out quite a lot today.” Lexa laughs when Clarke slaps her shoulder. “I’m sorry! You walked right into that one, you have to admit.”

“Whatever,” Clarke huffs. “Kiss me.”

Lexa does. “Just so you know,” she whispers. “I don’t mind you putting out. Quite the opposite, actually.”

“You’re an ass.”

“Yes, but a great one.”

Clarke squeezes said ass when Lexa rolls them over, situating herself between Clarke’s legs, her gaze alight with purpose. “I hate that I can’t disagree with you on that one.”

“You love it.”

“I love you.”

December 19th, 8:32 p.m.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Lexa rasps, and Clarke immediately stops kissing her neck, only for Lexa to grab the back of her neck and press a demanding kiss against her mouth. “That doesn’t mean I want to stop,” she points out.

Clarke shakes her head, trying to clear it of Lexa-induced haze. “Maybe we should,” she says, as weak as her knees. “Maybe we should talk first.”

“We talked plenty,” Lexa disagrees before lapping at Clarke’s mouth, seeking entrance that Clarke immediately grants, moaning at the feel of Lexa’s tongue against hers, wet and hot. God, she’s been waiting for it for so long. Hell, she’s been dreaming about it practically every night, longing for Lexa’s touch. But not quite like this. Not when she’s still mad at her.

“Lexa,” she breathes. “We should talk. Please.”

Her heart squeezes in her chest, sharp and painful, when Lexa blinks at her. “Is there anything to talk about?”

She hates this emotional rollercoaster. Her tears taste of salt when she swallows them down. “Yes. Of course there is something to talk about. Us. My feelings for you.”

“Oh.” Lexa's expression grows unreadable once again. “I guess I misread this.” It's not like Clarke can blame her, really. One second they are yelling at each other, another they are tearing each other’s clothes off. Easy to become confused. Except Lexa wasn't confused. She was pretty happy shoving her tongue down Clarke's throat just a second ago without thinking of any complications.

Clarke's so intent on discussing her feelings for Lexa - but what about Lexa's feelings for her? Or, perhaps, lack thereof?

Because maybe that's all it is. One first and last taste of what's it like to be with Clarke before Lexa finally and truly moves on.

Her tears are hot and unwelcome on her cheeks, and she can't control them.

December 22nd, 01.30 a.m.

“Snow’s stopped,” Clarke mumbles sleepily into Lexa's shoulder, tightening her arm around her waist. Her reply is Lexa's soft snores, and she grins, nuzzling at the naked skin of Lexa's back. She wouldn't have pegged Lexa for little spoon, but she's made a lot of surprising discoveries during the last two days. For starters, Lexa is a cuddler. She's also a talker, and things she says in bed… Clarke feels herself clench when she recalls some of the filthy words Lexa's whispered to her while buried deep inside her cunt.

Lexa's a generous, sweet lover. She also can be rough when Clarke needs her to be. She can be anything Clarke needs; but she really only needs her to be hers. And she needs to be Lexa's, too.

Lexa mumbles something and rolls over, nearly squishing Clarke in the process. She scoots away just in time to see green eyes slowly flutter open, confused and disoriented at first, sleep not quite gone from them yet.

“Clarke.”

She smiles. “Go back to sleep, baby.”

“I don't wanna,” Lexa slurs, reaching for her and tugging her closer. Her embrace is warm and tender and it's so perfect Clarke wants to laugh and cry and yell from the rooftops just how much she loves this woman.

She settles for a smile and a deep kiss for now. “Let's go back to sleep together, then.”

Lexa's smile is shy and sweet. Clarke kisses it off her face, wanting to keep it to herself forever, drink it all in until it's all she knows. “Okay,” she whispers. “Good night, Clarke.”

Clarke whispers her love in Lexa's neck as she drifts off to sleep in her arms.

December 19th, 8:40 p.m.

“I never fell out of love with you, Clarke.” Lexa's words are strong and sure despite her voice being quiet and soft, but to Clarke, it blooms in her living room, reverberates through her chest and settles in her heart, vibrant and full of hope. “I tried. Trust me. Nothing worked.”

“I was so stupid,” Clarke whispers, cradling Lexa's warm hands in her own, cold and trembling. “I was an idiot. I wasn't ready for anything serious and I knew that you… You weren't going to be something casual. You could never be something casual to me.” When she looks at Lexa - this is exactly what falling in love feels like. Only with her, it’s infinite. She keeps falling deeper and deeper and she doubts it will ever end.

She doesn't want it to.

“Weren't?” Lexa, ever the shrewd one.

“Aren't. You aren't something casual to me.” Clarke swallows, her throat dry. “I -”

“You don't have to say it just because I did,” Lexa interrupts.

“That's not why,” she reassures her, squeezing her hand. “But this - this is part of the reason I love you. You constantly take care of me, even when that means you'll have to disregard your own feelings.”

Lexa's eyes are wide and shocked and confused and Clarke really wants to kiss her. “You love me?”

“That's what this entire conversation has been leading up to, and you're still surprised?”

December 22nd, 07.04 a.m.

“This is way too early to be conscious,” Clarke grumbles. She still accepts the steaming mug of hot cocoa. It's Lexa's secret recipe and it's as delicious as Lexa herself, so there's no way Clarke would ever turn it down. Even if it means sacrificing her precious sleep.

“Come on, grumpy cat,” Lexa chides gently, hugging her close and draping a blanket over her shoulders so that they are sharing it. “I want to watch the sunrise with you.”

“Romantic, but you don't have to woo me, Lexa. I'm already yours.”

“What are you talking about? I'll never stop wooing you.”

Clarke groans.” Oh no. Does that mean we’ll have to get up this early every time I have sex with you?”

Lexa tries to pretend to pout, but her giant smile doesn't let her. “I'll look into wooing methods that don’t require being up before noon,” she promises laughingly, pressing a tender kiss to Clarke's temple and making her let out a contented sigh.

“You do that.” She distances herself slightly so she can look her in the eye, growing serious. “I meant what I said, you know. I'm yours.”

Lexa's smile is soft, if a little stunned, still slightly disbelieving at having Clarke say it so freely and readily. “And I'm yours too.”

“Good.” She cuddles up close to Lexa again, careful not to spill her cocoa. “Also, you owe me at least three orgasms for waking me up before lunch.”

She hears Lexa's smile in her voice when she replies. “Noted.”

December 19th, 10:41 p.m.

“I get it,” Lexa speaks up suddenly, rousing Clarke from her light slumber. “I think. It doesn't hurt any less, but I get why you slept with him.”

Clarke cringes inwardly. God, if she could go back… “I don't think I get why I slept with him,” she says honestly. “I was drunk, he was there. Story, end of.” She sighs, turning in Lexa's arms to face her. Slowly runs her fingers down her cheeks, to the strong line of her jaw. Stops at the unbuttoned collar of her shirt.

“Did it make you feel better?”

“It was supposed to.” She lets out a heavy breath. “But it didn't. You know it didn't.”

“Because I walked in,” Lexa clarifies pointedly. Clarke shakes her head.

“Not only that, although that was the worst part.” She'll never forget the look on Lexa's face. She deserves to remember it.

“You didn't owe me anything,” Lexa says quietly. “You still don't. I guess what I'm trying to say is… I'm sorry for reacting the way I did. Shutting you out and making you feel guilty for something you shouldn't have felt guilty about. It's not like you cheated.”

“It felt like it.”

“Yeah.” Lexa's eyes are sad, and Clarke hates that she doesn't know how to fix it. “It did. But it's not fair to you. So I'm sorry.”

“I hurt you. I'm the one who's sorry.”

Lexa's hands are heated on Clarke's skin as she slides them over her bare arms, down to her sides, tentatively plays with the hem of her shirt. “How about we stop being sorry tonight? This one night.”

Clarke's heart is lodged in her throat. “Only this one night?”

Lexa reads right through her, and her gaze grows warm. “One night with you will never be enough for me,” she says earnestly.

“Are you sure about this?”

Full lips quirk in a small smile. “It's been more than half a year,” she says. “I've been sure for a long time. Unless - if you're not-”

Clarke cuts her off with a tentative kiss.

December 22, 10:34 a.m.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” The question is asked nonchalantly while Chandler and Joey hug on Clarke's screen, and it's so unexpected she almost chokes on her popcorn.

“Um,” she clears her throat. “I thought - wasn't that implied?”

Lexa looks at her like she's grown another head. “Well, yeah, but I wanted to make it official.”

Clarke squints suspiciously. “Official. You're not planning on proposing tomorrow, are you?”

“Would you say no?”

She blinks. “You know,” she starts slowly. “It might be those five orgasms talking, but I'm not sure I would.”

“Cute.” Lexa's kiss is quick and familiar. “It was six, though.”

Clarke frowns, trying to remember. “I meant this morning. Pretty sure it was five.”

“Oh,” Lexa drawls, and her smile is bad in the best way. “Well, technically, it's still morning. So, technically, I can still prove you wrong.”

Clarke's laugh is loud and full when Lexa playfully tackles her on the couch, peppering kisses all over her face and neck.

And yes, it might be way too early and it might be a terrible idea, but right now, with Lexa murmuring her love and gently claiming her all over again, she can't imagine herself ever saying no if she saw Lexa on one knee, be it tomorrow or in a year.  

[nat-roman0ff]

iv. sex & candy, among other things

 series of blurbs // a certain time and place (read full series in my masterlist!)

 iv. sex & candy, among other things

the one where they almost say ‘i love you’.

wc: 3,214

warnings: cursing (but in a good way), smut (see title), & melted chocolate (gross).

---

She always does this, thing. Despite however many times he’s seen her naked (which Shawn counts at about 285 at this point) she still hides herself. He isn’t sure if it’s like, a confidence thing. Because he’s pretty sure she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. And not in that, facetune Instagram kind of way either. She doesn’t obsess over her hair or having the perfect winged eyeliner. She’s beautiful in the way her face lights up when she sees someone walking their dog, or seeing a cute baby despite absolutely hating children, or when she’s reaching for his belt (okay that last one was a bit of a stretch, but they’re both naked and who are we kidding, he’s hoping round two will happen once she wakes up). 

 Shawn begins by tracing her shoulder; he’s basically obsessed with the way that her skin prickles when he touches her, even when she’s asleep. His cheeks heat up when he reaches her neck, his fingers trailing over the purple marks from the night before. He’s sure he’s got a few on him as well. Neither of them had been exactly gentle last night. 

 “Stop doing that, it makes my nips get all hard,” she says, not bothering to open her eyes as a chill shivers down her spine. 

She feels the breath of Shawn’s laugh graze her neck, “maybe that was my intention,” he smirks, she can feel it against her skin when he kisses her there.

 She rolls closer to face him, “you’re gross,” she says, poking at the divet in his cheek.

 “You seem to like me enough.” 

 Her eyes roll, “only sometimes.” 

 Shawn cuts her off by giving her a kiss. It’s soft but so goddamn yearning, as if he hadn’t gone to town on her for hours and hours just a short time ago. It doesn’t take long for his mouth to open and their tongues to mingle. She hitches her leg over his hip and rolls him onto his back, straddling him. She breaks the kiss and sits back, allowing him to take in her full bare upper torso, her bottom half covered only by a tiny pair of lace underwear that sits dangerously low on her hips. 

 He resists the urge to fucking rip them off of her.

 She blushes while his hands take inventory of her body, starting at their resting point on her hips and moving slowly up her sides and back, moving to the front to give her breasts a firm squeeze then roaming the front of her soft stomach. She won’t make eye contact and he notices. Her hands do this weird thing where he can’t tell if she’s trying to stifle a cough or hide her face. She lets him see all of her but she won’t watch. 

 Shawn notices and he hates it. It’s the thing. He grabs the side of her face firmly and forces her to look at him.

 “Do you not feel good about yourself?” Shawn asks while the fingers of his free hand ghost her hip. 

 She scoffs, pushing away his hand from her face, “why would you fucking ask me that?”

 “You don’t have to be perfect,” He starts, and he already hates what he’s saying, “not that I think you aren’t or are. Fuck, this is all coming out so wrong,” he pulls at his curls “I’m just trying to say that if you’re insecure that’s okay. I’m not here to fix that but I want to know why and I want you to want to feel better about yourself. Regardless of what me or anyone else says or how we feel about you.” 

 She wasn���t insecure about her body - at least, not insecure more than the average girl. She had her bad hair days, or the zit from Hell that just doesn’t go away but she rarely felt unhappy with her looks. And she supposes she’s a very lucky person in that sense. She understood that her body was hers and hers alone, a vessel that gets you up and puts you down to sleep every day. That not all of them looked the same and she was never going to be the flawless model on the cover pages of the magazines she stole from her mother’s nightstand as a girl. She understood that her curves were her own, that her stomach rolled when she sat down and that was okay. It didn’t make her any more or less of a woman. 

 What she was insecure about were her feelings for Shawn. She knew if she had to watch the look in his eyes every time his hands covered her body in the most delicious way that she would absolutely lose it. Probably cry a little, scream, even. The two of them were so caught up in this not being a thing that it became a thing and the lack of answers and knowledge about the future was beginning to drive her batshit crazy.

 He looks for answers in her eyes but she won’t look at him. He’s thankful they’re in her bed instead of his, it’s smaller, so it forces them closer together when they cuddle at night. In fact, he can’t really remember the last time he spent a night in his own bed. At least a night in his own bed without her by his side.

 “You don’t have to be my anti-hero, Shawn. I know I’m not what you’re used to. I know this just is what it is for you. Just be you and don’t fucking complicate it by telling me I’m beautiful-” 

 “But you are,” he cuts off, sitting up, his chest flush with hers, “and you deserve to be told that you are.”

 She rolls her eyes again, “just shut up and fuck me already.”

 Shawn’s hands smooth up the side of her, “really fucking eloquent for someone who can’t look at me when I touch her.” 

 She tries to get off of him but he plants her across his lap, “we’re not doing this right now.” 

 “Then when are we?” He pleads, “when are we finally going to do this? Whatever the fuck this is in your mind.” 

 She doesn’t say anything and instead leans down slowly, letting her pert nipples skim across his chest, “I will literally fuck you until you shut up,” she whispers in his ear before biting and tugging on the lobe. 

 Shawn puts his hands behind his head, “go for it. You know how hard it is for me to shut up.” 

 She raises an eyebrow and crawls backwards a smidge, kissing his chest and working her way down his stomach, tongue swiping at the V that disappears under his boxers. Shawn prides himself on having an excellent poker face, and watches her with a cocky smirk. 

 “So what are your thoughts on this Communist Manifesto?” Shawn starts. 

 She’s not gentle when she rips Shawn’s boxers down his thighs. He’s only half hard, so she licks her palm and wraps her fingers gently around him. He twitches in her hand and she can see the heat rise in his cheeks and flow to his chest. 

 She pumps him slowly at first, getting her wrist into a rhythm that she knows will both torture Shawn, and also get him hard in like, thirty seconds flat. He takes in a deep breath and holds it when her lips slip over the tip of his cock.

 “When did you first figure out Albus Dumbledore was gay? For me, it was-” 

 He grunts and clears his throat, his voice a little higher pitched now, “ittttt-it-it,” he struggles, “was in Goblet of Fire.” 

 “That’s easy, knew it from Chamber of Secrets,” She licks the underside of his cock, tongue tracing the prominent vein that protrudes from it.

 Shawn’s a little uneasy now and she’s winning, but Shawn also isn’t a quitter. She lays out flat now between his legs, massaging his thigh with one hand as she uses the other to edge him. She’ll start and stop; twist, lick, anything unpredictable. Finally, she takes him fully in her mouth, gagging a little when he hits the back of her throat and Shawn swears he goes full stupid for a second. She’s so wet and warm around him he’s finding it hard to concentrate on anything else except maybe what her pussy is going to feel like later. 

 “You ever see a bat before? They’re really hideous. My sister got one stuck in her hair once when it was flying around the backyard.” 

 She pulls back up, releasing him with a pop. He’s fully hard know, his cock a pretty pink and wet with her spit. She can already feel her own wetness pooling between her thighs and she kisses soft little pecks into his thighs and back up his body.

 “You want my ass or my pussy?” 

 Shawn chokes. 

 “P-pussy?” He isn’t sure why he says it like a question. 

 She reaches over him and into the nightstand for a condom, “are we already out again?” 

 He just nods.

 She shrugs, “I’ll just let you finish on my face then.” 

 “You kiss your mother with that mouth?!?”

 She kisses the side of his face, “only on major holidays.” 

 Shawn grabs her hips, squeezing at the bare flesh and situates her back on top of him. She rubs her clothed center against his cock and it’s just the perfect fucking amount of friction that he’s pretty sure he’s going to bust if he doesn’t get inside of her right now. 

 He wraps his whole hand around the dainty fabric of her underwear and rips it completely off, tossing the fabric aside. 

 “Hey!” She slaps his arm, “Those were one of my favorite pairs!” 

 Shawn lines himself up with her, “you’ll get over it,” he says before slamming into her. 

 All the breath is knocked from her lungs and it takes her a moment to adjust to his size. She places her hands on his broad chest and starts to rock herself. Shawn loves the way she feels around him, so tight like she was made just for him, their bodies the perfect fit for one another. He’s felt that ever since the first night in the bathtub.

 “Fuck, Shawn,” She gasps, “I can’t tell, are we in a fight?” 

 He fucks up into her, loving the way his length disappears entirely inside of her, “now who’s the one who won’t shut up?” 

 “Fuck you.” 

 He grasps her hips so tightly she’s positive there will be marks in the morning, “already am.” 

 They find their pacing eventually, her on top and Shawn’s hands guiding her movements. She feels that familiar feeling start to sprout in her belly. It warms her veins and spreads so quickly she thinks she might pass out.

 Shawn swears he’s never seen something so brilliant in his life; her hair a mess, cheeks pink, body shining with sweat and her breasts bouncing with each thrust. She throws her head back, and he allows one of his hands to slide up her body and around her throat. He gives a gentle squeeze and she nods.

 “If you’re horNAY let’s do it, ride it, my pony,” Shawn sings at the top of his lungs. 

 She stops all movement, “are you really singing Pony while you’re inside me?”

 “I couldn’t think of anything to talk about and it’s too soon to cum.” 

 She rolls her eyes and she can feel him twitch inside her when she does, “so I win?”

 He sits up and nips her chin, “you’ll never win, Baby.”

 “You wanna bet?” 

 She pushes his chest and he falls back down onto the pillows, she leans forward with force, probably a little too much, and her hand goes straight through the wall behind the bed. 

 Shawn snorts, and she pulls her hand out of the wall, “well, I hope I get my security deposit back now.” 

 He plucks the pieces of drywall from his hair and tries to pull himself from her but she grabs his wrist in protest, “oh, we aren’t stopping!” She states. 

 “There’s nothing sexy about asbestos,” Shawn deadpans.

 She gets off of him and winces at the feeling of losing him between her thighs. It’s then that she notices the blood between her knuckles. It’s warm and falls down her wrist, mixing with the dusty powder from the drywall on her hand. 

 “Shit,” she mutters to herself, “I’ll be right back.” 

 She grabs a shirt from the floor and throws it over her head before scurrying to the bathroom, clenching her bleeding hand to her chest. She locks the door behind her and isn’t quite sure why. It doesn’t take long to clean up, it’s just a couple of minor cuts and she bandages them quickly. It isn’t until she looks up at herself in the bathroom mirror and sees the fading fingerprints of where Shawn’s hand was around her neck that she begins to cry. 

 It starts as sort of a bubbling, like a pot of water that foams and spits onto the burner just before spilling all the way over. She’s not always like this, but it happens most of the time after she’s with Shawn. The intimacy is the hardest part. She can be friends and banter with him until the cows come home, but it’s not until it’s three in the morning and they’re naked in her full size bed that he barely fits on that she just can’t fucking handle it. 

 Some days she thinks she should end it, to just be friends, whatever that meant to them at this point. She knows herself better than that though, she knows how badly her body, mind and soul crave him until the point where it physically hurts not to be around him, holding him, fucking him. She’s addicted, in a way. It’s exhilarating in some ways to never have an answer. It means it’s never quite tangible, there’s always something to chase after.

 She lets the tears fall and she knows Shawn will see right through her the second she gets back to him. It’s a feeble attempt, but she washes her face and dries her eyes and works up the courage to back back to the boy she wants to scream I love you to at the top of her lungs. 

 Something strikes her then; she could say it to him. There’s plenty of different types of love that exists in human existence. 

 “I love you, Shawn,” she says to herself in the mirror, her hands white knuckling the edge of the sink, “I. Love. You.” 

 Bile rises in her throat at the thought of his reaction. She doesn’t think she could stand it if he rejected her, which she knows is a very reasonable outcome. She just doesn’t fit into the big picture of his life, she was the friend with an empty bed and open arms every time he came home. She’s sure there were plenty of other girls in between her that Shawn didn’t talk about.

 When she returns from the bathroom, Shawn’s got his boxers back on he’s eating a chocolate bar. 

 “I have many questions for you. First, where’d your boner go?” She asks. 

 Shawn’s eyes pan to a discarded towel on the floor, “...don’t touch that.” 

 She grimaces, “you’re gross.” 

 “You were in the bathroom for like twenty minutes! It hurt!” 

 She rolls her eyes and his heart skips two beats in a row, “second question, where’d you get that chocolate?” 

 He takes a bite, “it was in the back pocket of my jeans, it’s a little melted though. Want some?” 

 She clears the room and jumps on the bed, taking a bite from his hand. He’s sitting up against the wall behind the bed, his feet still dangling off the bottom edge of the mattress. She curls into him and he wraps an arm around her, “why were you crying?” He asks, kissing the top of her head.

 She hides her face in his shirt, “my hand hurts.”

 “I once watched you literally get hit by a moving car and you got up and said ‘all good mate’, a bloody hand doesn’t make you cry. What’s wrong? Did I do something?” 

 She shakes her head.

 His fingers trace where his fingers held her throat, “was it the choking? We don’t have to do that next time, I just thought-” 

 “No you can choke me anytime.” 

 Shawn snorts and she side eyes him, “I’m just thinking too much lately.” 

 He raises an eye, “oh? About what?” 

 She shrugs, “I don’t know...maybe getting in a relationship would be nice. Maybe it’d be nice to be choked by only one person in my life.” 

 “Who the fuck else is choking you?” 

 She glares, “no one, Shawn. That’s the point.” 

 His mind is blanking. Shawn always thought he was good at reading people. The two of them had always been blunt to each other about everything; there were no lines to read between, no double meanings. This was the first time in the entirety of their friendship that Shawn didn’t know what she was talking about. 

 “What do you mean?” 

 She pulls away from him and rolls over to face away from him, “nothing, never mind.” 

 “Do you - do you not want to do this anymore?” He asks, “if there’s someone and you want to be with them I want that for you. I just want you happiest.” 

 With me, he thinks. 

 She rolls over, “no, there’s no one, Shawn. It was just a stray thought in my stupid after sex girl brain. It’s called hormones.” 

 Her heart races, and she thinks that now is the perfect time. The perfect time to grab his big stupid face and look him in those honey eyes and tell him everything she’s wanted to tell him since the first time they met. 

 Shawn’s heart breaks a little thinking of her with someone else. He’s sure that comment had a second meaning and gets a surge of jealousy that weakens his bones at that thought of someone else holding her like he does. 

 She’s here though, in bed with him, fucking him, wearing his teeshirt. That has to mean something for now, that for now she’s his but not really. That whoever this mystery person is, is just a fleeting thought in the here and now and he is the here and now. 

 This is his chance, he thinks. This is that moment when the walls are down and it’s time to lay it all out on the table. Shawn tugs at the sleeve of her teeshirt and rolls her over onto her back so he can get a look at her. 

 “What?” She asks, pinching his chin between her thumb and forefinger. 

 He moves her hand to his chest, his heart beating beneath it so rapidly and harshly he can hear the way the blood surges through his veins. His breath comes in short gasps. It’s her turn to take his hand and press it to her chest. 

 Their misguided hearts beat in synchrony beneath each other’s palms, but neither have the gall to say the words that are on the tips of both their tongues.