#so if last he was there was before the 6 months future trip.. well;

[lavenderspence]

To Lean On You | Spencer Reid

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Content Warning: post prison!Spencer, mentions of addiction, prison talk (typical for the prison arc), gun use, mentions of death, suggestive themes, idiots in love, angst, so much angst.

Word Count: 8.6K

Summary: You and Spencer wasted years, truths hidden, feelings uncertain, and a fear of the unrequited. It took ten weeks, isolated, silent, and broken, for the realization to strike. There was no life, if you didn’t have each other. 

A/N: It’s finally here! Wow, writing this was a wild ride, honestly. Over a month of writing, blood, sweat, and tears poured over it (there were in fact some tears). This is also the first thing I’ve written in 3 years and I'm very happy to finally be out of my slump. It's probably the angstiest thing I've written ever, and at the same time, I feel like it's not the greatest, but deep down, I still love it, haha. Let me know if I've missed any warnings. And, enjoy and any feedback is appreciated. <3

Here are some of the songs I listened to while writing this if you want to get into the mood:

Hearts by Jessie Ware

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived by Taylor Swift

Lost Without You by Freya Ridings

In This Shirt by The Irresponssibles

masterlist

79 days, 3 hours, and 27 minutes - that’s how long it’s been since he got arrested in Mexico.

70 days, 6 hours, and 13 minutes since you saw him being pulled out of the courtroom after he was deemed a flight risk and denied bail. 70 days, 6 hours, and 13 minutes have passed since you last saw him.

65 days, 7 hours, and 11 minutes, since he was transferred to Millburn Correctional Facility, and this whole nightmare, had started. 

Per Penelope’s carefully crafted schedule, every team member has made numerous trips to visit Spencer - every member except you. You’d only made one trip out, and that had been 3 days after he’d been transferred.

March 4th, 2017

It’s been 8 days since you saw him led in cuffs out of that courtroom, where Penelope had broken down in Luke’s arms, everyone too shocked to make a sound. He’d looked back, his eyes meeting yours briefly, and it had been as if you’d almost seen your reflection in the mirror, every emotion had run between you both in a matter of seconds. 

Shock, you’d almost been sure they would grant bail, and you’d be able to take him home. Almost. 

Fear, for his future and his well-being. Fear of the uncertain. 

Desperation, the desire to run to him and take him into your arms, finally, and to not let go. 

Except you’d held his gaze for as long as you could before you’d looked down and turned your head to save him from seeing you break down in tears. You’d made a hasty escape after that, not sparing any of your teammates a glance, and walked out of the courthouse, stopping by a tree outside. The urge to curl up into a ball and hide, pretending none of this had happened, was strong, and then a hand wrapped around your shoulder. You had turned around, only to see Rossi and one of his sad little smiles, the ones you rarely saw.

“It’s going to be okay,” he’d said, squeezing your shoulder. ”The kid is strong.”

You’d sniffled, trying to hide the tears in your voice. “Yeah, well, I’m not sure I am," you’d whispered in despair. 

You were better than you had been 8 days ago, calmer. Although still heartbroken, you were looking forward to seeing him, seeing with your eyes that he was okay. Garcia had seen him, 2 days ago, before you’d been sent out on a case.  

“He looks good. I mean, as good as that big genius brain of his can look in prison. His eyes were sad though, really, really sad.” She’d paused as if to assure herself it would be alright, “I’m sure he’s looking forward to seeing you, sweetness.” She’d squeezed your hand, but her statement hadn’t rung true. 

Your hands were shaking, you weren’t sure what from. The anticipation you’d felt? The nerves? Or the words you had a hard time coming to terms with.

“I’m sorry, but your name isn’t on Spencer Reid’s approved visitor list,” the guard at the checkpoint had said after rechecking the list. 

“There has to be a mistake, I made an appointment,” you insisted, feeling yourself unravel. It wasn’t possible, you knew for a fact you were on that list, Emily had made sure of that.

“Look, lady. There are only 10 names on that list, and yours is not one of them. Now, you need to move, because there are people here waiting to see their loved ones.” you’d hiccuped and turned around, walking to the lockers to unlock your gun, badge, and phone. 

“I’m here to see a loved one.” You’d wanted to scream, but you knew it would have been futile. There wasn’t anything you could do at that moment. 

You walked to your car, dialing Emily’s number, “This is Prentiss.”  

For a second, only your breathing could be heard over the sound of the wind, and then a tiny sniffle. You wiped at your eyes and nose, and then spoke up, barely, “Why am I not on Spencer’s approved visitor list?” 

“What do you mean? Every member of this team is on the list. So is his lawyer and Diana, even Derek,” you could hear the surprise in her voice, yet you couldn’t keep calm any longer.

"They refused to let me see him! I made the appointment, Emily, and I came, hoping I’d finally see him hear his voice, and ask him-” Your voice broke mid-sentence, and after taking a deep breath, you continued, “Ask him if he was okay, and I was denied because out of the 10 names on that list, it seems mine’s not one of them.” You finished defeated, barely above a whisper.

All was silent for the moment, save for what you could hear was Penelope’s voice on the other end of the line, quietly asking what was going on, “Let me call Fiona and the warden, and I’ll see what happened. Meanwhile, I need you back here, because we just got a case.” Her voice wasn’t leaving anything up for discussion. Still, you couldn’t go, not until you saw him. 

“Emily-” she cut you off.

“It’s not a discussion. I’ll resolve this, but I need you here and your head in the game. Am I clear?” Her voice was stern, but maybe that’s exactly what you needed. Maybe.

“Yeah, clear. I’m on my way back.” You took a deep breath and started the car and the journey back to Quantico, but your mind stayed right there, on the bars that kept you away from the one thing you held dearest. 

As it turns out, there was nothing the warden or Fiona could do. Even Emily Prentiss, Unit Chief of the BAU, couldn't “resolve” the situation. Days, weeks, and months passed, and for 70 days you couldn’t see him, isolated out, not even knowing why.

“-to be in the courthouse in one.” You snapped out of your thoughts, only catching the end of the sentence, digging the heels of your hands into your eyes. You were tired, and it had little to do with the fact that you had been up all night, going over all the evidence with the team and tracing Lindsey Vaughan’s steps to a T in an attempt to exonerate Spencer and finally bring him home. 

You were exhausted, both physically and mentally. You’d been up for more than 24 hours now, but then you hadn’t been sleeping all that well to begin with. Every single night was spent wondering how Spencer was doing, and every time you closed your eyes, you saw him in that cell in Mexico. 

His eyes were red, high out of his mind, barely coherent, dirty, and injured - a far cry from the person you were used to seeing every single day - energetic, passionate, and brilliant. After 12 years, if there was one image you wished to erase from your memory, it was this one. Not all the blood you’ve seen spilled, every victim, be it men, women, or even children, all the horrors of the job, but this. Maybe it made you a bad person, but there was nothing worse than seeing the one person you held dearest at their lowest and not being able to do anything to stop it.

Every waking hour that you weren’t on the job was spent wondering how he was doing and if he was okay. If he was healthy, unharmed, and safe, or as safe as an FBI agent could be in prison. But most of all, the one thing that had kept you up at night, slowly destroying your sanity and making you question everything, had been the one question you couldn’t seem to get an answer to. 

“Why doesn’t he want to see me?”

You’d asked everyone and had waited with battered breath for an answer, a clarification on the matter, and it never came. As shocked as you had been at the notion that you wouldn’t be seeing Spencer for an indefinite amount of time, your team had been even more shocked. They knew the kind of relationship you and Spencer had, how close you’d become over the years, and how much you relied on each other. 

You’d asked every team member, you’d asked yourself, you’d even asked Spencer in a few of the letters you wrote to him, and then there had come a point where you just stopped. 

You were torturing yourself more than enough, day after day, and every single night, asking yourself a question you wouldn’t get an answer to. Not as long as he was locked up in that hellhole and you were out here, trying to keep together the pieces of something, that was on the verge of breaking. 

You felt a hand taking hold of yours, and for a second, you tensed up. Pulled out of your thoughts, you looked up and were met with chocolate brown eyes, full of worry - Emily’s eyes. 

You glanced around the room, only to realize it was empty, save for the two of you. You hadn’t felt when the others had left, that’s how deep in thought you had been. 

“Where did you go? I’ve been calling your name for a while now,” she spoke gently, squeezing your hand. If you were honest, that’s the first time she asked you anything about the situation. You’d spent weeks suffering in silence and trying to pretend that you weren’t slowly dying on the inside. 

You briefly thought about lying, it wouldn’t be the first lie you’d told since Spencer had been incarcerated, but you didn’t have it in you to hide anymore. 

And so, for the first time since Spencer’s hearing, you told the truth.

“Nothing makes sense anymore, Em,” it left you in a whisper, “I’m barely holding it together. I feel like I’m drowning sometimes, and just when I breach the surface, I’m pulled back in. My mind, it’s...I question everything, all the time. My mornings start with thoughts about him, and my nights end with tears over him, over this entire…this nightmare. I keep waiting for my alarm to go off, to wake up and realize that this has been a plot of my imagination, some cruel joke my mind has conjured, designed to show me... "Your eyes welled with tears, prepared to admit something you should have long ago. Emily gave your hand another squeeze, prompting you to continue, and so you did, admitting it for the first time aloud. 

“Designed to show me that I can’t live a life that doesn’t have Spencer in it.” You wiped at your eyes, willing your tears at bay. When you dared to look up, you were met with the eyes of the only other person besides Spencer who has been a constant rock in your life for the last 11 years. What you saw in her eyes then wasn’t surprise like you’d thought, but relief. It took you a moment to fully read her, but it was like a switch had gone off when you finally did. 

“But you’re not surprised to hear this, are you?” you smiled sadly, a light laugh leaving you. 

“I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t have my suspicions, and I’d be an even worse profiler,” she smiled at you, “Plus, there are some feelings that you just can’t hide,” you blinked, and then you blinked again. You hadn’t come right out and said it, and yet she knew, she somehow knew. 

“I didn’t mean it like that.” you tried to backtrack, but you knew it was a losing battle. Emily knew you well enough to smell your bullshit from miles.

“That’s exactly how you meant it, and don’t even try to deny it. I see it every damn day. It’s how you leave the room whenever you hear someone talk about visiting Spencer. You don’t want to hear how he’s doing because you wouldn’t believe it, not unless you see him with your own eyes. But you can’t, so you’ve resigned yourself to the torture of not knowing instead of giving yourself the smallest amount of peace by asking. You’ve been suffering in silence for almost three months, too stubborn to say anything, thinking you were doing yourself a favor. And what for? You’re crying yourself to sleep every night and coming to work the next morning, pretending everything is fine when clearly it’s not. You think you’re fooling everyone, but the only person you’re tricking is yourself. And how’s that working out for you?” she had a point, and it’s not like you weren’t aware of that fact. You knew what you were doing wasn’t okay or healthy. You had the most stable support system imaginable to get you through the hardest parts. It was hard, though, especially when the person who was suffering the most was the person who’d taken your heart with him. 

“Way to call me out, boss.” you were just about ready to end the conversation, you couldn’t take any more of this. You’d promised each other long ago that you wouldn’t profile each other but you had a feeling that was exactly what Emily was doing right now. Maybe not on purpose, and with every good intention imaginable, but you didn’t want that. You didn’t want one of your best friends to try to understand you based on behavioral analysis right after you’d spilled your soul out to her. 

“Just calling it the way I see it, someone has to,” she smiled, but then she shook her head a little before continuing. “What I want to know is why you didn’t say something earlier. You know I would have been there to listen, and so would have the team.” Damn, Emily Prentiss.

You didn’t have to think hard about it, you’ve been ruminating over everything for days. You were trying not to, but whenever your mind wasn’t focused on a case or the many drinking nights spent in Penelope’s purple adobe, that was where your mind would take you.

“Out of fear, I think,” you started, unsure for a second, still nervous to admit it. It wasn’t exactly what she was asking, but it was a start, “I was afraid, and I still am. I’ve been baiting myself into thinking it was just some sort of fondness, a little stronger than that which you feel towards a friend, and far lesser than what it actually is. I thought that if I didn’t say anything, I could go on lying to myself, and nothing would have to change, we wouldn’t have to change. Because words hold meaning, and an admission like that holds weight. What would I have done if it was just me who felt like this? I would have ruined the one thing we’ve both cherished for over a decade.” It felt good to finally say all of this out loud instead of holding it inward. But then again, Emily always knew when you'd had enough. 

She’d told you time and time again the same thing Hotch had asked of her when she returned to duty after faking her death: “Let me know when you are having a bad day.”. Honestly, you’d held off long enough, and so had she. It was a whole miracle she hadn’t pressed you about your behavior earlier. 

“That’s not what I was asking,” you said, shaking your head with a smile to let her know that you weren’t done speaking. 

“Everyone was suffering as a result of what happened in Mexico, what I was feeling wasn’t any different, Emily.” You were flippant about it, you always have been. You preferred isolating yourself and hiding everything instead of seeking a shoulder to bear the weight of what you felt. 

“Our sadness came from the fact that our friend was framed. And yours? That’s different.” 

“It isn’t,” she scoffed, getting up. Now you really felt like you were about to get scolded like a child.

“Yes, it is. God, you and Spencer are the same. It’s like I’m looking at his doppelganger without the whole… IQ of 187. You share some of the worst qualities a person can have,” you laughed at that, “You are both changeophobes-” you cut her off

“Metathesiophobia, fear of change.” She only raised her hand at you, as if to say, “See, you even sound like him,” which made you laugh even more. 

“You close yourselves off after a sad or traumatic experience, silently hoping you’d be able to get through the worst of it on your own. Most of the time, it’s evident that’s not the case. You only ask for help when you’ve reached rock bottom or have no other choice, but you’ve had a choice from the get-go. Your stubbornness even stems from the same anxieties, it’s infuriating,” she seemed to calm down then, in defeat maybe, or she hadn’t been mad, to begin with, she sat down again. 

“My point is, it shouldn’t have taken you learning that he might be coming home today to tell me all of this. I’ve known for a long time that there was something far more than platonic friendship on your end. You shouldn’t have tortured yourself since his trial to try to put the puzzle pieces together. You aren’t late, you have all the time in the world to say what you feel and what you want, and rejection shouldn’t be a factor, believe me. You need to make peace with that fear because Spencer is coming home today. And whether you are ready or not, you both need to have a serious conversation.” You appreciated her determination about Spencer being released, but then again, you had more than circumstantial evidence to support the fact that he was innocent. But, as always, Emily was right. He was coming home today, and after months of not seeing each other, there were a lot of things you needed to say. 

“I know. Thank you, Emily, for everything,” you whispered, squeezing her tight. 

Spencer’s POV

The first breath of fresh air after being on the inside for months felt far more overwhelming than he thought it would be. Being in charge of your being and your responses and emotions felt almost unnatural like the feeling of it didn’t belong to him. The sound of the wind and the traffic, people’s voices, and even the simple act of getting comfortable in the leather seats of the jet overwhelmed any ability to concentrate and think straight. 

In itself, it was strange. The prison was loud, the prison commissary at breakfast, lunch, and dinner was a cacophony of prisoners talking, cells being opened, and guards barking orders. The yard was loud too, although, in the middle of nowhere, nature could still be heard - the sounds of trees and the lone birds, if he had to guess a mix of Mourning Dove and Field Sparrow. Their songs were soothing most of the time, a welcome distraction from the usual noises around him. 

Without the atmosphere he’d gotten used to and subjected to all of those sounds and people whose presence he found comforting before, he now felt almost out of place. He wanted to feel at peace, he wanted to feel free, and although he technically was, his mind was more trapped than he’d actually been in that 2 by 2 cell in cellblock C.

He kept replaying some of the hardest moments from his time in, every threat, every punch he’d gotten, and the phantom feel of the fists connecting. Luis’ blood on his hands, the smell of bleach incorporated with the drugs, the tip of the sharpened toothbrush embedding into his thigh. All he’d done to survive, harm, and more harm, only to make it out alive. 

He barely recognized himself. He’d deliberately ignored looking at himself in the small plastic mirror in his cell, for fear of seeing what he’d had to become. Gone was the Spencer who’d use his brain to get out of situations, whose obliviousness more often than not helped to balance his intellect with the socially acceptable. Gone was the bubbly personality of a kid excited to share a plethora of facts with his friends. 

In his place sat a man, tormented by the reality of the hatred felt towards him. The reality of being a pawn in a game whose complexity could have been his downfall. A man whose genius, as much of a blessing, could sometimes be a curse. A man who had felt too much and was made to experience far more loss than his quaint heart was able to take. In the end, he kept losing, be it his father, by no choice of his own. His mentor, at the hands of a killer’s insanity. His friends and loved ones, hoping for a better life or his freedom, made to rot in a place he didn’t deserve to be in. 

Some would doubt that he had anything at all left to lose. All in all, how much more could the scrawny twelve-year-old child prodigy, left to survive in a public high school, take? 

His mind had been plagued by that question for years. He’d thought about that more than he’d like to admit. After every loss, there’d been a split moment where he’d asked himself what was next. What would be the next thing life would take from him? And every time, he’d had to wonder if, next time, life wouldn’t reach for the one thing he couldn’t allow to be taken from him. The one thing that, were he to lose, he’d never recover. He had hoped, sometimes prayed, that after everything he’d seen, everything he’d lived through, this would be the one thing that’d be spared. 

Locked in that cage, he’d tried even harder to ensure that there wouldn’t be another loss in his life - not anymore. Be it good or bad, he’d done everything. For 70 days, he’d had to assure himself he was doing what he thought was right, and what he wasn’t saying, he’d be forgiven for. He’d had to dodge questions and see the disappointment in his friend’s eyes, and when that wasn’t enough of a burden to bring all of his anxieties to the surface, he’d resigned himself to reading the words of the person he was doing all of this for - you. 

He’d reread every letter to the point where the edges of the papers were worn out, even though he’d known the contents by heart on the first read. He tortured himself by looking at your handwriting, analyzing the slanting of the words and the pressure of the pen. The little stains on the paper, he didn’t have to be a genius to know, were your tears. It broke his heart, to know he was causing you this much pain. He didn’t need to be there to see it, he felt it through your words.

He often questioned if it was worth it, if he was protecting you, or himself, or maybe even what you were or weren’t.

Even now, the weight of your words sat heavily on his mind, and right by his heart, in the pocket of his jacket, he felt the weight of the 9 letters you wrote. 

As he looked over from the little window of the jet, he couldn’t help but wonder if, in his desire to shield you from everything, he hadn’t gone too far. Ultimately, was he going to be forgiven, or be forced to pick up the pieces of the reality broken by his own doing?

“Don’t do that.” JJ’s gentle voice startled him from the overwhelming nature of his thoughts. She’d spent the last 30 minutes since they boarded silently observing him, waiting for him to pick up a conversation. But he’d decided to stay num. 

In every twitch of his fingers, in his desire to get comfortable but being unable to, she could see that he was restless. If she had to guess, his mind was much the same. 

“Do what?”

She gave him a look, one, had he not known her long enough, he might have been offended by. Clearly, she was offended herself, watching him play the clueless card. 

“Spence, I don’t need to profile you to know that your mind’s running a thousand miles a minute, contemplating your decisions, and I don’t think you should. You did what you thought was right, and no one blames you for that, not for Mexico, and not for what you did after,” she spoke evenly, gathering even Penelope and Alvez’s attention from where they sat. He looked over, receiving a smile and a nod from both before focusing on JJ again. 

Rationally, he knew she was right about everything. He didn’t need to run himself ragged with everything he could have done differently, or search for the perfect way to explain, or overall, the perfect outcome of his own decisions. He knew there wasn’t one, there was no perfect way to say what he needed to, no perfect words to pick so he could fix this and erase the pain he knew he’d caused. 

Perfection wasn’t something you could strive to achieve, because there’s no such thing as perfection. The term was diverse, everyone had a different perspective on what that might look like. If for JJ, perfection was the family that waited for her at home every time she returned from a case, for Spencer, perfection was vastly different. 

For him, perfection was the rich aroma of coffee that could cause someone’s insulin to spike because of the amount of sugar in it. The softness of a book page between his fingers, or the familiarity of a book he’d read before but needed to revisit. 

Perfection was the sound of your laugh whenever he was the one to prompt the sound. The way your eyes lit up every time you listened to him babble on. Perfection was the time he got to spend with you every day, every hour, and every minute that he could remember with almost scary accuracy. 

He could sit and wonder what the perfect way to go about this was, but there simply wasn’t one, there was only the truth. And as painful, hopeful, or even a little dumb as it was, that was the best he could give.

And maybe that’s what his mind should focus on instead, the truth, in its simplest form, at its core the truth he’d hidden for months, and then the truth he’d hidden for years. 

He had wondered long enough if he’d made the right choice. He spent plenty of time focusing on the shame he’d felt, prompted by the disappointment he’d seen in his friends’ eyes whenever they brought up your name. How he’d sit, silent, or give an answer so short and angry, it’d add even more shame to the one he already felt. 

Beyond his time in prison, where he spent most of his time questioning his decisions, he spent years before that questioning himself as a person. His place on the team, his intelligence, even his failings. His inability to form relationships where he’d be seen as more than Dr. Reid, or the skinny kid, pretty boy, or a genius. A relationship that’d make him feel like simply Spencer, without the added adjectives, that sometimes made him feel like a circus clown. 

Only when he’d been locked up, had he started to realize that he’d finally built a relationship with someone with whom he could be himself. The most basic, boring, and peaceful version of himself, and slowly, all had started falling into place. 

How content he felt whenever he was around you, the desire to tell you every good or bad news he received. How when you asked about his mother, it warmed his heart, or how worried he felt when you acted stupid in the field. How out of control he’d felt when you’d gone missing last year. Or even, at the time, the unexplained jealousy he’d felt seeing you talk with another man.

Morgan had asked, once, twice, a lot, if maybe he didn’t have a crush, but he’d denied it, every time. And every time he’d question himself, he'd dismiss the idea just as quickly. 

Yet, upon being forced away from you, the pieces had started mending into one. 

Every realization he’d had was like a new broken piece being glued to the overall mosaic. And every new piece added built everything he felt about you. And it was a lot, and it was overwhelming, and so, so right, it sometimes felt wrong. Because he was inside a prison of his own doing, and you were out there, made to wait for him, for an explanation, for the truth. 

And he’d vowed to himself that the moment he was out, he’d put everything on the table, no matter how much he’d fucked up or how much he’d hurt you. He’d sit there, and he’d let it out, and if necessary, he’d even beg for your forgiveness. 

Because there wasn’t a moment in this life, he wanted to live through, without you there with him.

Your POV

You pulled the trigger, your eyes focused, and your hands steady. Three consecutive shots were fired, each one hitting its intended target. Three more followed, and then as many as it took to empty the magazine. 

You put down the gun and took a deep breath, steadying your heartbeat, trying to rid yourself of the deep-seated anxiety you felt. An odd sense of calm overtook you whenever you found yourself at the shooting range. Maybe it was the everpresent scent of gunpowder or the quiet only disturbed by the firing of a gun. Or even the possibility of escaping your rising thoughts, the desire to run or scream, sometimes both. 

There was a sense of solitude there that almost made it easier to breathe. The repetitive motion and the weight of the gun in your hands felt like second nature. 

Front sight, trigger press, follow through, just like Hotch had taught you all those years ago. As long as you held that gun, your mind was quiet, and you focused on something other than the worry you felt. 

It made sense you found yourself there shortly after Emily had shared the long-awaited good news - Spencer was finally free, and JJ, Penelope, and Luke were on route back with him. For a short moment, you’d felt the weight being lifted from your chest, and then it dropped again, now tripled. 

Suddenly, your earlier conversation with Emily had gotten as real as the target before you. Even with the sense of peace, you’d felt after, your thoughts on the matter clear, you still felt a sense of dread at the idea of seeing him. 

As if he wasn’t your best friend, the man who’d long ago won your affection and captured your heart, but rather a stranger who held your future in his hands. And he might as well be, because whatever the truth to the questions you wanted answered was, one thing was for sure.

It’d either make or break you both.

You picked up a new magazine, and loaded the gun, aiming at the target before releasing the safety. Before you fired again, you released a breath, and with it, all the feelings within you - fear, uncertainty, yearning, and the sense of madness, which, although mild, was persistent.

You fired once, twice, your aim impeccable, and then, out of nowhere, you missed. 

The hair at the back of your neck rose, your heart rate quickened, and the feeling of another’s presence in the room was unmistakable. It took you just a second to put the pieces together, the intrusion felt like anything but that. 

Instead, for a brief moment, the person brought with them a familiar feeling of calm. In the next instance, though, reality came crashing like a tidal wave, and you knew you’d run out of time. 

Your hands shook as you put down the gun. You could feel him watching you, probably standing next to the door, as if he couldn’t will himself to move closer. The anxiety was palpable in the air, although you couldn’t really say if it was yours or his, most likely, it was a mix of both.

You went to reach for your protection but hesitated. Once you took it off, there’d no longer be an excuse for you to ignore him, you’d finally have to meet the reality he’d so carefully crafted for you.

Even though you felt like you could barely breathe, the desire to finally lay your eyes on him won out. 

Without missing another beat, you took off your earplugs and then your eye protection. You could faintly hear the sound of shoes squicking against the floor. He could never stay still when he was nervous.  

You picked up on the sound of your own breathing too, the beating of your heart was almost erratic. You were waiting, what for, you weren’t sure. 

He was waiting too, for you to turn around, to lay his eyes on you. Like a sadist, waiting to see the pain he’d caused, or a masochist, wishing for his own in turn. 

70 days of slowly killing you both.

When you finally dared to turn around, it took you a moment to fully take him in. He looked like the Spencer you knew, yet there was something different about him too. Dressed in his usual suit and tie outfit, he didn’t look comfortable. His posture was rigid, almost defensive. It wasn’t a conscious decision, that much you were sure of.

His hair was longer, pushed back, curling at the ends, and he’d lost some weight. Not much, but enough to make an impression after all this time. He looked pensive, like the weight of the world sat on his shoulders, but maybe it was just the weight of the consequences he had to face.

Your eyes ran over every inch of him multiple times, intentionally avoiding his gaze for as long as possible. Seconds and minutes passed, and you weren’t really sure how much exactly. 

Spencer knew, though, of course, he did. If his fear of meeting you eye to eye was as great as yours was, you knew he was counting until the torture of the act itself was over. 

89 seconds he’d counted, although now with you there, they felt longer than the days without you did. 

When you eventually met his gaze, you felt a part of your heart chip on the inside. What people said about the eyes being a portal to one's soul couldn’t have been more right in that moment. Spencer, a man who excelled at hiding his emotions when he really wanted to, had let them out as clear as day for you to see. 

His eyes sparkled with so much sadness and guilt that it threatened to take you apart even before he had the chance to talk. Something softened within you at that moment, but in the next instance, it was like someone else took over. 

One moment you wanted to cry for him or with him, and the next you felt like your whole being needed to be let out. 

“Is that…is that all you can offer me right now? More of your silence? Don’t you think I’ve had enough of that?” The questions, a few of many to follow, had a bite to them. 

His face fell a little, taken aback by your tone. He fidgeted with his fingers, unsure what to say, or where to start. How could he answer your question? He pictured a scenario where his words flew freely, where he gave you an explanation worthy of forgiveness and a confession, so earnest that it ended with you in his arms. 

Try as he might, the words didn’t come to him, just a barely audible accusation. 

“That’s not fair.”

You scoffed, as if in outrage. A madness, one born out of so much heartbreak, took over, it was blinding. If someone had asked you to explain yourself, you’d say that wasn’t you. You’d never be so forward, almost cruel, to him, but at that moment, being mad sounded so much better than being vulnerable. Like a shield, you weren’t ready to let go of yet.

“How exactly is this not fair, Spencer? It’s the truth!” you yelled, and you felt free, finally letting it all out. “You want to know what isn’t fair, though? The way you isolated me OUT of your life! For three months, I’ve had to stand on the sidelines and beg for scraps, just to know you were okay. Every pitiful look I’d get from the people I consider family felt like another stab to the heart. That’s what’s not fair!” You were screaming so loud. It was a good thing the range was soundproof, otherwise, the whole of the BAU would have been deep in your business by now. 

If he looked surprised by the accusation, he didn’t really show it. His posture took a turn, though. The rigidity disappeared, and in turn, it opened, as if the need to comfort you overpowered the uncertainty or the mask he’d had to hold while imprisoned. 

You didn’t want his comfort, not right now. Maybe later, when all was said and done, you’d get to have a normal conversation without the frustrations of the past. At that moment, you just wanted everything out of your system. You wanted the questions, the answers, and the truth. 

His silence continued as he started closing the distance between you. You wanted to move, to create more distance, but there was nowhere to go. You were squeezed between the range, and him. Whatever else was left than to continue begging for clarity.

“It’s not fair being sent away the first time I came to see you. To learn you didn’t want to see me! Each time it was my turn to visit you, do you want to know where I was? I sat outside that fucking prison, wishing for a glimpse of the person who’s been my rock for 12 years! Holding back tears, thinking you didn’t…you didn’t care like I did. Is this what I really deserve after 12 years by your side?” You almost slipped, you almost told him, and maybe you should have, it might have prompted him to talk or to say something. But no, he stayed silent. Step after step, he limped, his cheek twitched, and his brows furrowed, but like a coward, he remained quiet. 

He was meters away from you, three more steps, and he’d completely close the distance, and meet you face to face. 

“Say something, Spencer, damn it!” Your throat burned from the strain, and he advanced even more. “Anything,” you finished in a whisper, and all of a sudden, all the fight left you, and your eyes watered and your vision went blurry. 

He was just a step away then, and when you looked into his eyes, you couldn’t help but see how they shined. 

He reached forward, one hand taking hold of your arm while the other went to hold your waist, but you shook your head. “No, Spencer, please,” you whispered. You didn’t want to find yourself in his arms, because that would be the last of your composure, gone. You’d surrender to the feel of him like you even had a choice not to. 

He didn’t stop, not until you were snug into his arms, one of his hands at the back of your neck, holding your head tenderly, but the arm around your waist held onto you as if he was scared you’d slip away from him. 

Once in his arms, you finally let go, breaking down into pieces, hoping he’d be able to hold them all from crumbling to the ground. 

“Hey, shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” He kept repeating, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on your pulse point. All the while, you could only stand, your arms at your sides, as if paralyzed.

Being in his arms felt like being home somehow. It felt so right after having been deprived of the feeling for so long. It felt like there was nothing wrong, and nothing could go wrong at that moment. 

Even though you hadn't initially wanted his comfort, somewhere deep inside, you craved his tender touch. You craved the feel of his body near and the faint scent that was so uniquely him - a mix of coffee, fall, and old paper, books. You realized then that you craved the sound of his voice too, another part of him you’d been deprived of. 

The voice of the always rambling boy that never failed to bring a smile to your face, even when you couldn’t understand him sometimes. 

And the more he whispered, his voice broken and shaky, the harder you cried. You’d thought nothing could match the heartbreak of his actions or the anger of his silence, but the reality of being held against him brought the realization that your suffering mirrored his own. 

If you’d been dying on the inside for months, he’d been on the other side of the link holding you tethered to each other, dying just as much. 

And you couldn’t hold yourself back any longer after that. You buried your head in the crook of his neck, and your arms finally circled his waist underneath his suit jacket, fisting the back of his shirt as if it were your one lifeline. 

You felt him exhale when you finally returned his touch, most likely in relief, before he dropped a light kiss on your head. 

You cried for the relief of having him back and close. For unspoken truths and time wasted, years of figuring out feelings clear as day. For all the anger, for all of his silence, for all you felt for him. 

He cried for all the pain he’d caused you and for all the time he’d wasted being alone instead of being with you. He cried for himself, he cried for you, and he cried, overwhelmed by his feelings for you. 

You clung to one another, crying, and minutes were passing and neither of you cared. Not when you had each other. 

After a while, when both your tears dried out and your cries quieted, but you still felt the need to hold each other close, you dared to murmur a broken “Why?” hoping he’d hear, hoping he’d understand. 

It didn’t take him long to mumble a reply, no longer silent. 

“All the words in the world available, and I wish I could explain.” it came out just as quietly, both of you scared to break the little bubble you’d found yourselves in. 

You pulled back from him, wanting to look into his eyes, red-rimmed and still sparkling when you felt yourself begging again. 

“Then try, please, because I’d rather know, and not understand, than not know at all.” And it was the truth. He could speak in riddles if he wanted, but you needed to know why he’d made that choice. 

You looked at him expectantly before he pushed a piece of hair back, and his hand once again settled at the back of your head, gently cupping it. 

“I wanted you safe from a world you didn’t belong in,” he admitted on an exhale, like a lifelong secret he’d gotten tired of holding onto. 

You looked at him in wonder, and it was on the tip of your tongue to tell him he didn’t belong in that world either, but just as you opened your mouth to speak, he shook his head. 

“I was ashamed when I had you removed from the visitor’s list. I didn’t want you to see me like that, like a criminal,” he started, pulling you into his arms, not wanting to admit it to you eye to eye, out of fear of being right. Of course, he was wrong, but that didn’t stop him from wondering. 

“The first time JJ visited me, they leered at her like they were being fed fresh meat, taking her in, committing her to memory. A cage full of animals. I knew then that I didn’t want that for you, and any guilt I had at keeping you away disappeared that day. It hurt me, knowing I was failing you and whatever trust you had in me,” he whispered, wishing to keep the reality of his thoughts and his feelings in a little bubble as if you only existed in it.

“I’m not the same person I was before, I couldn’t be him, even if it meant losing a part of myself in the process. I couldn’t really be a decent human being without bearing the consequences. Everything I saw, everything I did, and everything that was done to me, I don’t think I’d ever fully be the person I was before. And that too, I’m thankful I spared you from seeing.” It would explain his rigidity, a defense mechanism he’d had to get used to. 

And while everything he’d said thus far was true the biggest truth, he’d had yet to say. He had yet to really explain why he’d done what he’d done in the first place. He was stalling, still afraid, but the longer he held you, the longer he felt your heart beating in time with his, the more sure he became. 

To hell with the consequences, to hell with whatever happened after, he was right here in the now, alive, breathing, his arms around you, finally at peace. 

He pulled back, took your face into his hands, and finally whispered.

“Most of all, though, I knew I loved you enough to risk us if it meant keeping you safe.” It left him in a rush, a confession waiting to be let out for months. A feeling he’d had for years, and a moment where he could finally be open about it. 

“What…?” you licked your lips, shocked that you might not have heard him correctly. ”What does us mean?” This part of the conversation felt like you were daydreaming about it, it just didn’t feel real. 

“It means whatever you want it to be. Whatever you want us to be.” All of a sudden, it was that simple. 

“So, you love me?” You had a hard time taking it all in, yet your heart fluttered in pure happiness. “And you…you want us?” 

"Yes.” Even before you were done speaking, he was already answering. He was desperate to finally admit he was absolutely smitten by you. 

Months of figuring out your feelings, years of hiding them, a conversation to finally prompt a confession out of you, and all this time it was reciprocated. You could have cried, happiness like no other coursing through you, pure bliss. 

You wanted back into his arms, you wanted to kiss him so badly that your blood was burning from the need to feel him like you'd never been able to before. And yet, you knew there was something else you needed to do before you could finally do it.

“Spence, you don’t push away the people you love, no matter the cost. You rely on their love to help aid you when you’re at your lowest.” You gave his sides a light squeeze before you looked back into his eyes, only to see them hopeful and uncertain at the same time.

He looked hopeful, for the possibility that you might actually love him back, but uncertain because it felt like you might be pushing him away this time. 

“I can’t go through this again. Having to watch you wither away, in prison, at home, or by your own thoughts, I won’t be able to handle being pushed away again,” whispers, cries, pleas, memories full of heartbreak intertwined with present confessions full of joy. 

His eyes watered then, his lips trembling. Any sign of hope was gone, and in its’ place stood the realization of a man who’d maybe gone a little too far. He’d pushed you away, and now, it was your time to be the one sticking and twisting the knife deep, breaking his heart in the process. 

If someone were to ask him at that moment what his biggest regret was, he’d say this. This was his biggest regret, his own choices. 

A tear escaped him, and you reached up, wiping it away gently before you spoke again.

“If..if this is going to go anywhere, you need to rely on me. You need to believe that I can handle anything and everything, just as long as you are by my side. All those years of being pushed away - your addiction, Maeve and Gideon’s deaths, your mom’s diagnosis, Cat Adams - you weren’t alone then, you aren’t alone now, and you won’t be alone in the future. You’ll always have me by your side, you’ll always have my support. Most of all, you’ll have my love, but when things get hard, I need you to lean on me, and trust that I can help you because together we can pull through everything, anything is possible as long as we are together.” You finished on an exhale, full-on crying now. You could barely see him, but from the little you could, you saw tears streaming down his face, and a smile that grew wide, happy.

Those words, he knew them word for word. For 13 days, he’d repeat them, no longer needing to see them written down, he had them engraved in his brain. Your letters he could recite, but your final one he’d remember as long as he lived. 

“I promise to lean on you and trust that you’d help me because together we can pull through everything, anything is possible as long as we are together,” he whispered back, his eyes searching yours for just a moment before he pulled you in, and finally, his lips met yours. 

He kissed you, tentative at first, testing the waters. He wanted to take his time, commit your lips to memory, gentle, and plump, exactly how he’d imagined they’d feel. The more he kissed you, the more he couldn’t stop. Passion, urgency, desire - his kisses turned desperate like he wanted to swallow you whole and never let you go. 

He bit your lip gently, asking for access, before his tongue intertwined with yours and he pulled you flush against him, closing any gap left between you. Chest, hips, there wasn’t an inch where you weren’t touching. 

It felt so familiar, even though you hadn’t kissed before. So right, like no one's kisses had felt before. As if your whole lives, kissing each other was the missing piece in a complicated puzzle, waiting to be put together. Coming together as one, it felt magnetic, a feeling of euphoria, pure ecstasy, no one else mattered, no other feeling mattered at that moment, other than your hands on each other and your lips locked together. 

Time was passing by, and you didn’t care. Years of missed opportunities, hidden feelings, and long-awaited realizations all led to this moment. Starved for each other, a kiss full of fervor and even the taste of tears was present. Unimaginable, but very real.

When you finally pulled apart, he wiped your tears, and you wiped his in turn, before he gathered you back in the comfort of his arms, laying a kiss on the side of your head.

And between the four walls around you, nestled in each other’s arms, the place where no one could touch you, in a shared breath you both whispered. 

“I love you.” 

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Likes, reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated!

[kingofbodyrolls]

Friendcation (m) | myg | series masterlist

Going camping with your best friends seemed like a brilliant idea when you initially made the plans. But when you harbor secret feelings for one of them, what will become of you being close confined for three months? Trouble, that’s what.

→ Pairing: Yoongi x reader (female, “Y/N”) → Other characters: Jimin, Jungkook, Taehyung, Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin. → Trope: friends to best friends with benefits to lovers (they be messy and confused, lol) → AUs: non idol!au, camping!au, roadtrip!au, mechanic!au (Yoongi is a mechanic) → Genre: humor, (slight) angst, smut and fluff → Rating: mature/explicit/R18 (This is mature/explicit content, so minors, please do not interact.) → Word count: 131.6K (things got out of hand, lol and it's mainly smut 💀) → Disclaimer: I do not own BTS or know them personally and this work of fiction is purely fictional and for entertainment purposes only. The actions and personalities described in the story do not reflect those of BTS— it’s just fiction. Also, if you would kindly read the tags/warnings before reading, that would be lovely: and if you don’t like whatever is described in the tags, just hit return and find something else to read. Thank you 🌸 → Warnings/tags: will be tagged for each individual chapter. But it does contain smut, almost in every chapter (not the first though). → Taglist: Closed. → Status: Completed! (I'm still doing some extras for it now and then)

🍃 Chapter 1 Summary: As exhaustion and stress threaten to consume you and your friends at work, Yoongi comes to the rescue with an enticing proposal: a collective vacation—a friendcation. Amid the backdrop of breathtaking landscapes and shared adventures, your feelings for him only deepens more. Yet, his lingering gaze holds secrets you can't ignore, leaving you to wonder if it conceals something deeper—an unspoken connection that may forever alter your friendship. Word count: 11,9K | Read → chapter one 🍃Chapter 2 Summary: When you get a flat tire, you think it’s bad luck, but when you fall flat on your ass and Yoongi offers to massage the pain away, has your luck finally turned? 😜 Word count: 12.7K | Read → chapter two 🍃Chapter 3 Summary: When you and Yoongi visit his family in Daegu, and he introduces you as his friend, it rubs you all kind of wrong. But what are you even to each other, other than best friends with benefits? Word count: 11.9K | Read → chapter three 🍃Chapter 4 Summary: It’s the last weeks of the vacation being just you and Yoongi, and you’re going to savor every last bit of it. You do some hiking, relaxing and discover new sides to yourself that you didn’t know existed. Word count: 17.7K | Read → chapter four 🍃Chapter 5 Summary: Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin have finally joined you on your trip and it’s going great; you have a tremendous amount of fun (some at your expense), laughter and talks about life. Namjoon suddenly asks you where you think this thing with Yoongi is heading, and to be honest you don’t really know yourself – you just know that you love him. Word count: 23K | Read → chapter five 🍃Chapter 6 Summary: Your vacation is coming to an end but your thoughts are spiraling and filled with anxiety as a tiny mishap makes you question your future with Yoongi. Word count: 11.3K | Read → chapter six 🍃Chapter 7 [finale] Summary: Melancholy shrouds you and Yoongi in your last days of vacation – time to get back home to the daily grind. But when you can visit Yoongi in his garage, is it really so bad? Word count: 11.3K | Read → chapter seven

🍃Extras🍃

🍃Wedding special Summary: Yoongi has done everything in his power to make your wedding truly special, what he couldn’t plan for was the rain. But fret not, a bit of rain will not make your day less special when it’s surrounded by friends and family. And your wedding night? Well, being pushed down into the sheets by Yoongi is easily one of your favorite things. Word count: 12.2k | Read → the wedding special

🍃Honeymoon special Summary: You and Yoongi travel to Scandinavia for your honeymoon, well more like babymoon. You camp, fish, hike and enjoy nature as you always do, and you even go surfing! Word count: 8.7k | Read → the honeymoon special

🍃Pregnancy special Summary: You and Yoongi try to get pregnant, but it doesn’t go as planned, as the road isn’t easy. But he’s your rock, and he’ll stand with you through thick and thin 💜 Word count: 7.5k | Read → the pregnancy special

🍃Winter special Summary: You’re in labor and live outside of the city, and it just happens to be Christmas time, there’s a lot of snow. Will you and Yoongi be able to make it to the hospital before your baby arrives? OR– The one where Yoongi fucks you into labor and crashes the car. Word count: 10.3k | Read → the winter special

🍃Baby special Summary: Yoongi spends time with your daughter. Word count: 3.5k | Read → the baby special

→ Author’s note: Thank you so much for reading! 🌸 I appreciate every like, comment and reblog, and please don’t be afraid to let me know what you think;  your kind words makes me extremely happy 💜

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Someone New 6

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include angst, pining, romcom tropes, and some darker elements later in the series. Some triggers may not be specifically tagged. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This fic will contain explicit content. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You’ve had a crush on your best friend for years, but you’re slapped in the face with reality when he takes things to the next level with his girlfriend.

Characters: Steve Rogers, Thor

Note: Thanks as usual for reading.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you.

I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖

Things don’t become comfortable, but familiar. You get into a routine, one which smears the days and nights into the other. The landscape helps with that. The sun is fleeting, even in July. The days are longer but it’s not anywhere as stifling or humid as New York. Like everything else, it’s different. 

The man at the fish place, Frederik, knows your name. His wife, Inga too. When you walk in the door, they put your order to fry before you even get to the counter. They’re friendly and warm. It’s nice to have some smiling faces when you can hardly muster the same.  

They like to ask you about New York; they’re finally planning a big trip to America after twenty-five years together. They remind you of Marigold and her bakery. You long for one of her eclairs and her chatty demeanour. Just another thing to miss. 

As you sit down at a table near the window to eat in, your phone goes off. You answer as you read Sam’s name across the screen. He’s the only one you’ve talked to in the last month. Nearly two now. August is close. 

“Yo, yo, girly pop,” he sings from the other end. 

“Girly pop? Sam,” you chide as you hover a thick cut fry before your mouth. 

“Chicky poo, nope. Girly pop, nope. I’ll get there,” he teases, “finally got a hold of you.” 

“Uh, yeah, the site is far. No signal,” you shrug and take a bite. 

“I know, I'm just needy,” he kids. “So, you hitting the spa? Summer’s going fast.” 

“Not yet,” you swallow. “Sam, there’s a lot of work here and it’s just me. The only help I get is from a local student volunteer and they do three hours a week.” 

“Oof, why does your work sound so boring?” He groans 

“Hey!” 

“Well, I mean, digging up dirt all day, tell me you’re not going mad. You making friends? No one to cool, I hope. I’m still your number one guy.” 

“Not really. It’s tough. Long hours. I don’t know,” you stare out the window as you toy with the bamboo fork.  

“If you were going to hide all day in a hovel, you could’ve stayed in New York,” he sighs. 

“Sam, I’m trying. Really. It’s... It’s going to take some time.” 

“Right,” he agrees grimly. “Time. A year is not that long.”  

You hum and lean back in the chair. You’re not as hungry as you were. You close up the container and stand. 

“I know, alright?” You sniff as you tidy the table and grab your food, “but this isn’t a vacation.” 

“It’s also not a missionary trip,” he retorts. “I’m not tryna be a dick here, I’m helping. You need this.” 

You push out into the street and cluck. Silence. You don’t know what to say. He’s right and just like ever day, the conversation is the same. Over and over. It’s going to drive you crazy. 

“More sunlight this time of year, good for work--” 

“No more work talk,” he interjects, “if you don’t got anything fun going on, I'll just have to make you jealous. Some good old fashioned FOMO. Hm, me and Bucky went to Jersey.” 

“Jersey? Why?” You take the bait, happy for the distraction. 

“Oh, yeah, I told him there was a vintage bike for sale there.” 

“You told him that but...” 

“There wasn’t. I just wanted to see him interact with the locals. The old ladies love him but the men... well, I think he might have a warrant out now.” 

“No, Sam, what the hell?” You exclaim as you stroll along. “Are you trying to get him killed?” 

“Hey, I got his back. Just like I got yours. It was just a prank.” 

“Wait, Sam, where exactly did you take him in Jersey?” 

“Some cribbage club, I don’t know. I saw a page for it online. Thought he’d fit in--” 

“They were old?” 

“They match his energy,” he snorts. 

You can’t help but laugh. It feels good. Just that little bit of home. Your amusement is dampened as your heart sinks. You really were so stupid. You didn’t see what you had all around you; Bucky, Sam, more than just Steve. Now it’s all behind you and going back won’t be the same as before. 

💟

There’s tension in the air. It’s going to rain. You suspect your day will be cut short by the gathering clouds but your persist. No use in running. Again. 

The last time you left in fear of a storm, it waited until the next day. So you sit, boots set in the dirty, hunched over as you carefully trace out the strange lump. It’s more than sediment. Bone but not a skeleton. Likely animal and bent into some tool. You have to be delicate. It’s not like the movies, you can’t just dig your hand in and rip it out. 

Your earbud drones as a retro R&B playlist keeps your mind at focus. You wipe your forehead with the back of your glove, feeling the flecks of dirt cling to your skin. You ignore it and press on. Just a little more, a little more. 

It’s bigger than you expect. Just as you think it might come free, you find it goes further down. You can make out the jagged break and the hide wrapping at it’s base. A spear of some sort.  

You roll your shoulders out and put your tools down on the open role. You peel of the gloves and reach for the tall insulated bottle of water. You gulp, your throat cooling nicely at the flow. You cap the bottle and clear your throat, listening to the silence of the mountain. 

Yet it isn’t quiet. You glance around at the subtle scratching, a strange tapping across the ground. It could be vermin. It’s not unusual to disturb a nest of one thing or another on a dig but they usually leave early on. 

You put the bottle down and shove your hand back into a glove. A puffy breath comes over the scratching. Several breaths in quick succession, as if there’s something sniff. You keep your other glove in your grip and stand. Your legs are so cramped that your steps are stiff and stunted. 

As you search for the source, there’s a yipe and a fuzzy shape catches your eye. You tilt your head, thoroughly confused at the barking beast. You’re not certain that chihuahuas are native to Norway. At least, you wouldn’t assume so. 

The ashy blond dog has longer fur along its ears and chest and a white bolt down its chest. You can tell it isn’t wild despite its behaviour as it is finely groomed and wears a bright red collar. You approach the fence as it hops, stopping only to try to dig beneath with its dirtied paws. 

“Hi, buddy,” you near the eager dog, “how’d you get up here?” 

You stop just across from the dog and poke your fingers through the fence. It stops, you think a ‘he’, and sniffs your fingers. His cold nose tickles you and you wiggle until you can pet his head. The little thunderbolt emblem on hiss collar peeks through his mane. There might be some information there. 

“Thunder!” The booming voice sounds like the very thing it decries, “Thunder, you pest, where’re you off too?” 

There’s a crunching of soil and rock along the mountain pass as the dog growls and barks again, turning to face the skewing of a towering shadow. You watch in shock at the approach. You didn’t think there was life so far up. That or someone has chosen a rather treacherous hiking trail. 

The dog, you assume ‘Thunder’, bounces back and forth in anticipation of his own, calling to him with his pitchy yaps. The man appears around the jagged rock and you feel the air knocked from your chest. You slowly reach to take out your earbud and tuck it in a pocket.

Wow. You blink to make sure it’s real. To be certain this isn’t some trick of the mind or this ancient land. Maybe the gods are real here. 

He’s tall and broad and handsome. His canvas jacket does little to conceal his muscular build as his jeans are snug to his thick thighs. You think he’s even bigger than Steve. You wince at the reminder of the man but it quickly flits away. You can’t ignore the man before you with his golden tresses twisted back into a low bun, stray strands wisping forward to frame his stony jaw and stormy blue eyes. 

You stand gaping through the fence as the man flinches in fright. His gaze meet yours and his cheeks tinge pink as he gives a crooked grin, “ah, Thunder, my darling, you’ve found a friend.” 

He whistles and the dog lunges forward. He picks up the chihuahua, their size difference almost comical as he cradles him in one arm. You can’t think of a thing to say. You can barely think.  

You snap your mouth shut and clear your throat. Work. That’s what you should be doing. 

“Hello,” the man nears the other side of the fence before you can move away, “I’ve been wondering what this is all about. The signs...” he points with his thumb over his shoulder. 

“Oh, uh,” you peer around as if lost. You sort of are. “A dig. Er. Grant,” you stammer out. You take a breath and still your mind, “I work with an archeological society in New York. We’ve been sponsored by your national board to exhume this site.” 

“Ah, yes, makes sense,” he lowers his brows thoughtfully as the dog squirms in his hold, yiping and biting at his sleeve. “Forgive me, she is rather uncouth.” He raises the dog higher and she wiggles in his arm. You see it now, definitely a pampered girl. “This is Thunder. She lives up to her namesake, eh?” 

“Uh, yeah,” you give a brittle smile, unsure. 

“Thor,” he dips his chin down, “I live just up the pass.” 

“You do?” You wonder curiously. “All the way up here?” 

“Oh yes, if you saw the old haunt, you might just want to dig that up too,” he jokes. “We usually go up the pass, towards the river.” 

“The river?” 

“Yes, you mustn’t stray far from here,” he remarks as he raises a hand to lean on the fence, only to nearly tip the unanchored grating. “Oooh, apologies,” he rights himself with a laugh, “anyhow, it is nice to see a new face around here. Better to have a name for it.” 

“Right, uh,” you offer your name and giggle nervously, “it’s just me on-site, guess I forget my manners.” 

“Not to worry. As the resident mountain man, my etiquette does lack,” he winces as Thunder chomps on his thumb knuckle, “eh, you monster, alright.” He holds her up and she pokes her nose through the fence, “she loves new people. Not so keen on the old.” 

“She's cute,” you scratch her nose and she licks your fingers. “Not exactly a native species.” 

“Who knows where she came from? Found the little dragon in the woods. Suppose someone left her there. She was covered in mud, so small I though she was a bloody toad,” he muses as he brings her back against his chest and rocks her, “it was only her thunderous barks which told me otherwise, isn’t that right, darling?” 

He makes a kissy noise at her and her fluffy tail wags wildly against him. You smile more genuinely. It is nice to have another living thing around after digging up the broken and dead for so long. 

“So you’re from New York?” He asks abruptly, his blue eyes rolling over you like a tide. 

“Yeah,” you utter breathily, “yes, New York.” 

“You’ve been here a while?” 

“Couple months,” you shift and twist your glove. 

“Wonderful, and you’ve done much exploring? You must live in town.” 

“About three hours,” you point towards the gravelly road, “haven’t had much time for sightseeing but I found a good fish shop.” 

“A shop? That’s no good. We catch our own fish, fry ‘em up over the pit,” he says, “that’s the way we do it up here.” 

You nod, “sounds fun. Well, er,” you turn halfway and look around, your eyes skimming up to the cloudy sky, “I should probably hustle. Looks like rain.” 

“That it does but it won’t be ‘til midnight,” he assures. 

“You think it’ll hold out?” 

“I know so,” he affirms and lingers by the fence, trying to see past you, “what exactly are you uncovering over there?” 

“Not much so far,” you pull on your loose glove. 

“You must know what this place was. A raider’s camp.” 

“Is that so?” 

“Mm, yes, the raiders would camp upon the pass away from those who might come ashore, then go off themselves to find a coast to reap,” he explains. 

“And how do you know all that?” You ask as you tramp back to your place in the dirt. 

“Suppose some of my ancestors camped here with them,” he offers casually, “for so long as we’ve been up here. Once the viking scamps settled, they had to find a home somewhere. Some fellow named Agmundr or another built a stone house further up.” 

“Admundr? Family?” You prompt. 

“Distant,” he assures, “been some time and that stone house is now a foundation.” 

You get down to your knees as you grab your brush and peek over at him, “thanks for the information. I’ll have to add it to the land report. Have them crosscheck in the archives.” 

“Not at all. You won’t find it all on your paper, you know? We carry or history on our tongues here.” 

“Sure,” you say as you bend over the spearhead and start again. 

“You don’t mind if I watch? I always did love history and I’ve never seen a proper dig before.” 

“Not much going on, I’m afraid,” you shrug, “but if you want.” 

“Thunder will have a tantrum if I go,” he chuckles, “she likes you.” 

“Hm,” you scoff, “she is very outspoken.” 

You set your eyes on your task but can’t shake the awareness of your audience. It’s not too unusual. There were a few digs you did early on in the heart of the city and people loved to ogle you. This is different. Just the two of you. A stranger even. Friendly as he is, you’re happy for the fence, even if it is rather flimsy. 

“Those bones aren’t for you,” he says to the dog as she wriggles in his grasp. “Let’s find a stick then, you little pest.” 

[heeliopheelia]

"was that your first kiss?" (heeseung x reader)

genre: fluff word count: 0.7k requested by nonnie ♡

a/n: last heeseung drabble for this event!! i had so much fun writing this, i'll probably expand this idea a little more in the future!! im so tired im falling on my face rn so i'll do a grammar check tomorrow!! 🤍

masterlist

It's hilarious, really, how your campus' it boy Lee Heeseung seems to be absolutely smitten with you.

With the mentioned above man hot on your heels like a shadow, you try your best not to get distracted and keep putting the pile of books back on their rightful place on old shelves. Paying no attention to his stubborn tailing you, you bite back a smile at his soft grunt when he stumbles into another table corner for the nth time this hour.

Without no words needed anymore, you hand him one of the books and he automatically slides it onto the top shelf where you can't reach.

This has been going on for about two months now – you spending your afternoons helping the elderly campus librarian putting back the returned books, and Heeseung entertaining you with his presence as he relentlessly tries to work for this date with you that he's been yearning for for such a long time.

"Are you free this Friday?" He asks suddenly and you send him a glance. He leans one shoulder against the tall bookshelf and beams at you. "We have a game at 6, you have to come. I won't be able to make it into the hoop without seeing your pretty little face cheering on me from the stands."

"Sounds to me like you're not that good of a player if you won't," you bite back playfully but don't say no to his offer. The both of you know well that you'll come just as you did the last five times.

Heeseung's smile broadens as he closes the distance between the two of you a little more. "Every athlete needs a lil something to get them going. In my case it's you, my muse."

You can't help but scoff at his blatant flirtation and with a shake of your head you take a step back in an attempt to get a hold of your hammering heart again.

And with a yelp, you trip over the bag that you've carelessly tossed to the floor some hours before, and stumble forward – straight into Heeseung's chest. Not wasting any second more and risking the chance of you backing away, he takes the opportunity of having you this close to him and cups your chin with his long fingers, only to lean down and plant a kiss right on your lips. You freeze in your place, stunned with the sudden new feeling as you heart nearly beats out of your chest.

He pulls away to check up on you, hoping he didn't cross any of your boundaries, but when he sees your sparkly eyes looking at him with such astonishment, face flushed so fucking adorably, he can't help but mold your lips back together again. He nibbles at the plush of your lip gently, thumb sliding to your chin to tug it down slightly and allowing him to deepen the kiss a little more.

There are no thoughts present on your mind other than Heeseung and his stupidly charming smirk and his stupidly confident attitude and his stupidly handsome face that never seems to leave your mind for even a second.

When he pulls away, he's met with your stunned face, eyes fluttering open and gaping right into his. He bites back a laugh as you remain speechless, a fat blush arising on your cheeks.

"Was that your first kiss?" He ends up asking, hand reaching up to brush the stray strand of hair out of your eyes. When all you do is nod your head sheepishly, eyes desperately avoiding his, he lets a wide grin spread on his lips. "Yeah? I was your first?"

You smack his arm gently and feel your ears burning when he catches your hand and intertwines it with his one.

"Shut up." You say and the quiet mutter squeezes at Heeseung's heart mercilessly.

And, god, he's so pathetic. So in love with you that if his teammates caught him in such state, he probably wouldn't hear the end of it until the day of his graduation.

"So you'll come? Right?"

With a roll of your eyes you close the distance parting your faces and mumble into his lips, "Yes, you idiot."

permanent taglist: @bambisgirl @arizejkt19 @luvmura @milisabunny @cathy-1997 @satoruskitchenrag @ramenoil @jenjnk @jaylaxies @yoongspi @nichoswag @s00buwu @dazzlingligth

[angryschnauzer]

January 11th 2024

Yeah its been a while since i updated. I haven't had the energy to if i'm honest, but here we go.

Hubby had his brain surgery end of November '23. The tumour they took out was a nasty one, somewhere between the size of a golf ball and a kiwi fruit. The wound has healed well with little to no side affects apart from some double vision, but he was checked out for that and it is a common after affect of brain trauma and was remedied with an eyepatch for a few weeks.

We met with the Neuro Oncology team at Royal Marsden Hospital in London. They are one of the best (if not the best) cancer treatment centres in the whole country, and we worked through a treatment plan.

Just before Christmas hubby was also cleared to have shoulder reconstructive surgery (he broke his shoulder bone in the original seizures back at the end of October '23). There was a really small window of time between it being enough time after the brain surgery that he could go back under general anaesthetic, but also enough time to mostly heal before he started Radiotherapy and Chemo, so just 5 days before Christmas hubby was in and out of our local hospital in a single day to have that surgery.

Christmas was a quiet and subdued affair. I also herniated a disk in my back the day Hubby had surgery (i was clearing the deep freeze out ready for grocery delivery), so it meant both he and I were dosed up to our eyeballs on strong painkillers for most of the holiday, and Little Dude spent the majority of the break either playing video games or building his new lego sets.

Two days before Christmas i also had to have emergency dental work (i had been grinding my teeth and had previously cracked a tooth) and whilst i was in the dentists office some utter idiot crashed into my car. That was the last thing i needed but i simply handed it all over to my insurance company (who are aware of my husbands situation) and they arranged a hire vehicle and sorted repairs.

Onto the start of 2024. This is the first week of Radiotherapy and Chemo for Hubby. He is getting very tired and fatigued already from the Radiotherapy, but thankfully no nausea from the chemo as yet, but that could change over time. He is scheduled for a full schedule of 6 weeks of this dual treatment, where we are having to visit Royal Marsden every day Mon - Fri for the six weeks, and then he also takes the chemo 7 days a week for the six weeks.

He'll then have 4 to 6 weeks 'off' treatment for his body to relax and recuperate, but will have scans and MRI's during that time to gauge what further treatment will be, but its likely to be just chemo but a stronger dose, but no radiotherapy. The chemo is to be 3 weeks off one week on, so a 4 weekly cycle.

The one thing we have discovered isn't done is prognosis's. When we first got to Royal Marsden we were shocked as they started talking about years, and explained that although it was a really nasty tumour, it was found very early and whilst it was still relatively small for its kind. They've discussed things like 'this years treatment plan then we'll look at next years', and also for a while Hubby was being considered for a clinical trial which candidates who have prognosis's of 12 months+ are only considered for. In the end he didn't meet the criteria (his cholesterol was too high). The Macmillian Nurses also have been talking to us about Mobility Car assistance schemes where you can get govt assistance financially and get an adapted vehicle on a 2 year rolling lease. All these timings are reassuring in one way, but worrying in another - we have no idea what the future holds and it really does cement in stone that our time is limited and could end any moment, and makes it very difficult to make any long term plans. You don't realise how much of your life is preplanned until you end up in this situation and aren't sure if you can book your kid onto the school residential trip in 5 months time.

Should anyone want the mundane daily day-to-day life updates you can follow me on my personal instagram @simone_with_an_e its generally a load of utter boring bollocks, but i try to keep it updated daily with updates when i can as its a lot easier to do 1 short paragraph than a big update.

For me my mental health is a little better now that i've had time to process Hubby's diagnosis and that he is getting treatment. There are still days or hours when i fall apart, and it could be something as simple as listening to a song on the radio as i drive back from dropping Little Dude at school and i realise the song would be lovely at his funeral. I end up having to pull over and have a cry whilst switching the radio off. I'm loosing weight and aging quickly, my hair is turning grey from stress and i realised i've aged about 15 years in the last 3 from stress. My appetite comes and goes, and things like red meat now turn my stomach and i can't digest it. But i also haven't drunk alcohol since the day before Hubby had his seizure back in October. I feel like i need to stay 'alert' in case i need to rush him to the hospital for something. I don't miss it as such, but I miss the ability to fully relax. Its hard to describe but i feel like at the moment i've lost myself and am just functioning to care for those around me, going through the motions as such.

Anyway, this has been a long update. I do still lurk here, you may see me pop up in notifications liking something, but at the moment i don't feel its right to start putting fandom stuff back on here yet. I do hope to get back to writing at some point. I miss it and the unfinished stories plague my mind as i have such lovely plans for story arc's and really want to finish them.

Take care all,

Schnauz

xxx

[saturdaysky]

First Lines

I was tagged by @mithrilwren to post the first lines of my last ten fics! What a fun trip down memory lane this was.

1) fray (Ludinus/Essek; feelbad manipulation + an intentional gap between wants and needs)

"Such a fanciful tradition," he chides, watching the light play on Thelyss' bright braids. The candlelight of his bedchambers paints them fetchingly gold. Thelyss sits with a prim tiredness on the bed, holding still while Ludinus slips the buttons of his high collar back into place. They have begun to take all of their meetings here, in recent months.

2) discretion, written with @mllekurtz (Caleb/Essek; power dynamics and clothing)

“You wore this to the court today.” The words do not feel quite real coming out of his mouth.

3) growing sunlight (Caleb/Essek; a post-canon homecoming)

Caleb shuts the door against the afternoon sun, sealing them into comfortable privacy. The curtains on his windows are likewise shut, but light seeps through them anyway, casting the room in a warm, muted glow. Dimmed daylight will gather here for hours; like a little bubble of sunset just for us, supplies his mind. He is too glad to resist whimsy. Essek's visits always make him so.

4) if only for a moment (Caleb/Essek; time travel, grief, love, a leave-taking)

It was supposed to be five minutes into the future, but Caleb is pretty sure he fucked that one up. The lurch in his stomach tells him so, as does the treacle-like quality of his perception, and the way the spell writhes in his mind.

5) the end; to hold the sun (Caleb/Essek; a Calamity AU set minutes before the city falls from the sky)

It is done. It is done.

6) brothers (Beau & Essek talk about their estranged brothers; canon-with-a-twist AU)

Essek's shoulders are tense in a way that's gonna ache later, his frame drawn tight against the endless blue sky above the bay. He leans on the salt-crusted railing and stares out at the armada gathered for the peace talks. "I am still a Thelyss," he whispers in Undercommon. "They cannot take that from us." To Beau's ears, it sounds like a prayer.

7) sanctuary, a claiming (Caleb/Essek; werewolf/witch dark fairytale AU)

The night is red. Above the Wildwood, Catha’s gentle silver eye has waned into sleep at the end of its long cycle, leaving only the ruddy gaze of its sister to light the forest. Tomorrow, Catha will wax anew into wakefulness, but tonight, when magic is strong and bloody in the air, Ruidus’ dark creatures come out to play.

8) a shape made by our hands (Caleb/Essek; in a decaying timeline, Caleb meets Essek as a child.)

The spell is almost up. He’s gotten what he came to this timeline for, and when he returns to his own, this reality will decay into nothingness like an echo. The clock ticks unrelentingly in Caleb’s head; he estimates he has at least an hour. Maybe two, maybe less; time magic is an inexact science, as it turns out.

9) fulcrum (Caleb & Trent review proper torture techniques)

He is deep in the bowels of the sanatorium and has been for three days. Caleb is doing his best not to let that fact peel him out of his head.

10) poisoning the well (Caleb character study, ft. Trent's incessant, inescapable praises)

There is the splish-splash-splash as the Nein travel through the drenched Aeorian tunnel, and then Ikithon’s voice slithers into his head, parting the layers of Caleb's privacy with ease and blotting out all other sound.

I tag @mllekurtz @ariadne-mouse @chronurgy @burningdarkfire @annundriel and anyone else who wants to do it! Tag me in, I'd love to see your first lines.

[sowoozoo-7]

Love, Lust & Litigation | Ch 6 (JJK, KNJ)

Pairing: Jungkook x Fem Reader x Namjoon

Genre: lawyer!AU, coworkers to lovers, slow burn, eventual smut

Rating: PG-13 (whole fic M, minors DNI)

Warnings: alcohol consumption, swearing

Word Count: 4k

A/N: Happy New Year everyone! This chapter has been a long time coming. Hope you enjoy~~

mlist | ch 1 | ch 2 | ch 3 | ch 4 | ch 5 | interlude | ch 6 | ch 7 | epilogue

The whirring of the hotel elevator reverberates through your head as you, Namjoon, and Jungkook ride up to your floor. You landed, finally, in another city after what should have been a direct, three-hour flight turned into a thirty-six hour travel nightmare. You were supposed to arrive on Saturday night and have all of Sunday to prepare for a week’s-worth of depositions. It’s your first class-action suit and you wanted to be fully prepared for Monday morning, but thanks to the reroutes, thunderstorms, and airplane malfunctions, every moment you spend with your eyes open is another moment without sleep. 

The firm booked a three room suite for the trip, for strategizing purposes, apparently. You suspect it was just cheaper, but at this point, you would take anything that has a bed. 

Namjoon sags against the wall of the elevator. Jungkook, the traitor, can fall asleep anywhere and managed to get some rest on the plane, but even he’s clutching the handle of his luggage for dear life. A headache that started at the beginning of your last flight pounds behind your eyes. You’re ready to wash the smell of airplane out of your hair and you desperately need to brush your teeth. Sweet, crisp hotel linen is in your future and it’s the only thing keeping you going. 

Before you left for the trip, you had the idea to sneak into Jungkook's room if the opportunity presented itself. Things have been going well with your maybe-boyfriend. You're still not sure what you are, and you're not in any hurry to define anything, especially since you blush like an idiot schoolgirl with a crush every time you see Namjoon. Namjoon, whom you have seen more in the past thirty six hours than you have in the last month. Endless meetings have kept him out of the office. Still, every time you see him, you can't help but notice Jungkook's eyes tracking him too. Things felt a little awkward at the airport as you waited for your flight, the conversation stilted, hesitant.

The elevator dings, and the door opens. Not that can spare more than a passing thought to all of that now. Your legs feel like lead, and you send up a quick prayer that the room isn’t in the furthest corner of the hotel, and that the keycard works once you get there. If the keycard doesn’t work, you may just curl up in a ball on the hallway carpet. 

Namjoon waves the keycard in front of the reader a few doors down from the elevator. It beeps green and you sigh in relief as the door opens to a kitchenette and a small living area. 

At first, you think you’re seeing things, that you’re just too tired to see the other bedroom doors branching off from the living room. That if you rub your eyes enough, two more rooms will materialize. Because this can’t be right. You get closer to the door to investigate, Namjoon and Jungkook behind you. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” 

Yeah, no. When all you wished for was a bed, you didn’t mean one singular bed. 

You’re the first to take action, locating the room phone and dialing reception. It doesn’t take long to confirm your worst fears. There was a mistake in your booking and thanks to conventions and concerts in town, the hotel has no other available rooms for the night. 

“So you’re saying there’s nowhere else for us to stay.” 

“The couch in the living room should be a pull-out couch?” At least the receptionist sounds appropriately apologetic on the other end of the line. 

You gesture to the couch, but as Jungkook tries to remove the cushions, they stay firmly attached to the base. 

You sigh into the receiver. “It’s not a pull out couch.” 

“All our couches are supposed to be pull-out couches,” she says in dismay. 

“Maybe this one sprouted legs and switched places with a regular couch.” You wince as the words come out of your mouth. It’s not her fault, you try to remind yourself. Don’t shoot the messenger.

“I do apologize ma’am. Normally, I would be able to resolve this issue but we don’t have any other rooms available…”

The poor girl sounds like she’s about to burst into tears. You can’t help sighing once more into the receiver. “I understand, but I expect this issue will be resolved in the morning? A three bedroom suite for the duration of our stay.” 

“Yes, ma’am. Understood, ma’am.”

The click of the phone into the receiver echoes through the quiet room. When you look up at Jungkook and Namjoon, they look back at you with dumbfounded expressions. 

“You’re mean when you’re cranky,” says Jungkook. 

You don’t have the energy to send a glare his way. 

“So, what do we do?” asks Namjoon. 

It’s clear none of you can think straight, not after all the regional airports and middle seat economy seats. No one moves. Your headache goes from pounding to piercing, and you pinch your nose to help you think. 

The clock on the bedside table ticks over to three a.m. You have had enough.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. We have—shit—five hours before we have to be out the door. We’re all exhausted, we all need sleep. This is king size bed. There’s plenty of space for all three of us.” 

A look of panic comes over Namjoon’s face. “I’m sleeping on the couch.” 

You let out a bark of a laugh. “I can’t even stretch my legs out on that thing.” 

“I have to, it’s—“ 

“Go sit on the couch Namjoon, see if you can stretch your legs out.” 

He does. It’s almost comical how hard he tries to stuff himself into a comfortable position.

“See? We’re only getting a few hours of sleep, so we’re all gonna do this on a comfy bed. You know how important this meeting is tomorrow. If it doesn’t go well, all our prep will be for nothing.”

They still look dubious. You feel delirious with exhaustion. 

“Look, we’ll do this. It’ll be me, then Jungkook, then Namjoon.” You gesture to the bed, indicating where each person will sleep. “There’s plenty of room, we don’t even have to touch each other.” 

Jungkook nods along, but Namjoon makes a choked sound. “But you guys are dating.”

You and Jungkook share a look. Even thinking about doing anything remotely intimate is exhausting. Jungkook looks like he can barely keep his eyes open.

“That is the furthest thing from my mind, but if you’re worried, you can be in the middle.” 

He opens his mouth to protest again, but you put up a hand. “I don’t care what order we sleep in. I’m taking this edge, but I’m gonna shower first.” 

Showering is a sweet relief, and the warmth of the water eases your tired muscles. As you come out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, you don’t even have it in you to be self-conscious about being in your pajamas around Namjoon, or to get all swoony about sleeping next to him. You start dozing off as soon as you tuck yourself between the covers, eyes heavy and mind tired. The sounds of the guys getting ready for bed sound distant to your ears. You don’t feel the dip in the bed as Namjoon gets in next to you, your dreams already swirling with depositions and settlements. 

“I had to share a bed with my colleagues. This is unacceptable.” 

The receptionist, a different one from the one you talked to on the phone, glances over to Namjoon and Jungkook and fails to cover a smirk. Infuriatingly, they look refreshed and handsome as ever. You tried your best to look presentable, but it’s like you can feel the lack of sleep hanging in bags under your eyes. No amount of concealer could hide that. 

“I am so sorry. That must have been an awkward night.” 

“Don’t give me that look. I barely got any sleep.” 

She lets out a strangled giggle.

“And not because of that either. They both snore like grandpas who need CPAP machines. Will the suite be ready for us by this afternoon, or not?” 

There’s a slow heartbeat beneath your ear, and it’s dragging you up to consciousness. 

Your mouth feels like cotton and just thinking that thought feels like someone reached into your head and squeezed your brain. How much did you drink last night? 

You don’t want to be awake right now. You don’t even know if it’s worth it to be alive right now.

Maybe if you close your eyes even tighter, you can convince yourself you’re not awake. You snuggle in closer and try to will yourself back to sleep.

A thought floats slowly to the surface. Your arm is wrapped around a waist, but it is not the enviably tiny waist you're used to.

You don’t panic, not at first. 

You crack open an eye only to squeeze it shut again. Morning sunlight streams in from the open window, sending a piercing pain through your head.

But… was that…? 

You look again, squinting against the brightness. Yes, confirmed. That is Jungkook’s tattooed arm draped across the same torso you’re clinging onto. You lift your head, blearily seeing that the has his head tucked into a neck. And that neck is attached to… 

Now you’re wide awake, your stomach flipping in surprise. 

How the hell did you end up sleeping on top of Namjoon? 

You poke Jungkook’s arm and you want to strangle him when he makes a bothered, mumbled noise and burrows his head deeper into Namjoon’s neck. The movement makes him stir, a deep grumble going through his chest. You feel it more than hear it. Your stomach does a funny flop again. 

Several things happen at once: 

1) Jungkook opens his eyes and freezes when he sees it’s not you he’s cuddling. 

2) Namjoon wakes up and clocks that you and Jungkook are sprawled on top of him. “This has to be a dream,” he mutters, the sound vibrating through his chest. 

3) You realize the funny feeling in your stomach isn’t because of Namjoon’s morning voice. 

No, your stomach feels funny because you had one too many cocktails the night before. And several glasses of champagne. Stumbling back to the hotel room with Namjoon and Jungkook, who were just as shitfaced as you. You all tumbled in through the door together and — 

Fuck. 

You’re about to puke up the contents of your stomach. You bolt upright, pushing past the tight embrace of Namjoon’s arms around you. The only thing more mortifying than waking up as one of the slices of bread in a Namjoon sandwich would be to throw up all over the glorious sandwich. You make it to the bathroom, barely.

As you’re decanting the contents of your stomach, flashes of the day before come back to you. The claimants settling before noon on Tuesday. Celebratory cocktails for happy hour. Ordering too much sushi. A second round at a karaoke bar. Pulling Jungkook and Namjoon by their ties to your bedroom. 

The rumble of deep voices comes from your bedroom as you hug the porcelain bowl. You’re never having alcohol again, you decide. 

Once your stomach settles, you pull yourself to your feet. Your reflection in the mirror startles you. You look like shit, your hair knotted and tangled, mascara smudged under your eyes. The thought of Jungkook—let alone Namjoon—seeing you like this makes you want to heave again. 

Wait, no. You do have to heave again. 

It takes twenty minutes for you to be sure that your stomach won’t rebel again, and for you to wash your face and brush your teeth. Your hair, you decide, is a lost cause. You pull on a robe before leaving the bathroom, because even if you made a mistake and slept on your boss in your undies, you sure as hell don’t want to parade around without pants. 

Namjoon and Jungkook sit on opposite sides of the bed when you come out of the bathroom, two feet of space between them. Jungkook looks like a dream, because life is unfair, and he always looks like a dream. Namjoon, mere mortal, looks like someone that just woke up after a night of drinking, face a little puffy, and hair sleep-mussed. They’re in similar states of undress as you, in undershirts and boxers. 

Namjoon notices you first, but Jungkook speaks first.

”Are you okay?” 

His voice is hoarse. He always goes too hard at karaoke. 

“I’ve been worse,” you say, voice croaky from all the karaoke and all the puking. You clear your throat and try again. “I can’t remember when, but this is surely not the worst. Um, how are you guys doing?” 

Jungkook looks down at his hands, his gaze flitting to Namjoon. 

Namjoon scrubs his hands over his face and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he says, his deep morning voice sending shivers down your spine. “I don’t know what happened.” 

“We drank too much is what happened,” says Jungkook under his breath. 

Namjoon shakes his head. “Drinking is never an excuse. It wasn’t appropriate.”

You sink into an armchair in the corner of the room. “I’m pretty sure it was me who dragged both of you in here.”

“‘A win calls for a cuddle.’” Jungkook imitates you in a high voice. 

If you had a pillow and the energy, you would chuck it at him. 

A little crease appears between Namjoon’s brows as he frowns. “Still…” 

“I need an aspirin if we’re going to keep talking about this,” you say. Your gut is a jumble of embarrassment, satisfaction, and yearning, and combined with the queasiness, you want to hit pause on this conversation. It takes you a second to muster up the energy to heave yourself off the armchair, but you get up, somehow, and go to your suitcase to take out the bottle of painkillers you always carry with you. “Want one?” 

They both nod, looking as miserable as you feel. 

You make your way to the kitchen to get yourself a glass of water. They follow you like little ducklings, copying you as you swallow down the medicine and several gulps of water. It brings sweet relief to your scratchy throat. You want to chug the entire glass, but the water sloshes around in your empty stomach, making you feel a little sick. The clink of the glass on the counter shoots through your brain. You climb onto the barstools by the kitchen counter and rest your head on the counter, the cool marble soothing. Your headache starts to fade a little, but not by much. 

“I’m sorry,” says Namjoon into the silence.

“Stop apologizing,” you say into the counter, words muffled. “If anyone should be sorry, it’s me.” You hope the words sound sincere coming out of your mouth, but a voice inside of you keeps repeating that you don’t regret it at all. Not when you can still feel the warmth of him beneath you, the tight squeeze of his arms around you, too. 

He shakes his head. “It wasn’t appropriate. I’ll report myself to HR when we return to the office.” 

You sit up, room swaying a bit. Jungkook stands against the counter, worrying his lip ring with his teeth. Namjoon grips his water glass so tightly you fear he’s going to break it. 

“Did something beyond sleeping happen, and I’m not remembering?”

A look of panic comes over Namjoon’s face. “I don’t think so.” 

Jungkook shakes his head. “No.” 

“Okay, then. We’re all adults here. I wasn’t touched in a way I didn’t want to be touched.” You try not to cringe as the half-confession slips from your lips. “Did you feel uncomfortable Namjoon?” 

“No, but that’s not the point.” Your stomach does a funny flip and this time it is because of him. He doesn’t regret last night. “I’m your boss, and there’s a power im—“

“Jungkook,” you say, turning to him. “Were you touched in a way that you didn’t want to be touched?” He shakes his head. “Were you in a situation you didn’t want to be in?” He shakes his head again. 

Something shifts in the silence that follows. Everything has been all but said, and you’re left feeling unbalanced. Or maybe that’s just the alcohol still talking. The throbbing behind your eyes makes it hard to think straight. 

“There you go.” You put your head back on the countertop, unable to look at either of them directly. 

“Still—“ Namjoon starts. 

You hold up a hand without raising you read. “Stop beating yourself up about it. The worst thing we did was sleep in the same bed together. It’s not like this is the first time, anyway.” 

Someone chokes on water. You keep your eyes closed, waiting for the painkillers to kick in. 

No one says anything for a while. 

Just as you’re about to fall asleep hunched over the counter, Jungkook’s quiet voice jars you back to reality. 

“What’s the plan now?” 

“What do you mean?” comes Namjoon’s response. 

“We’re supposed to be here all week for these depositions, but now that they’ve settled…” 

“I’ll check with the firm.” 

You hear movement in the kitchen, clothes rustling, glasses being placed down. When you muster the energy to sit up, only Jungkook remains. He looks lost in thought, staring into space. 

“I’m gonna shower.” 

He only gives you a grunt in response, eyes focused on another plane of existence.

You stand under the spray until your skin is red and wrinkly. When you come out, the sight of the rumpled bed reminds you of how warm and tight Namjoon’s embrace as around you, how right it felt to be with the two of them in the same space. You want to wail, because you got a taste of the impossibilities you’ve been dreaming of. It would have been best to leave it to your imagination. Why did you have to give in to your drunk impulses? 

You pull on the closest comfy clothes that look clean and go to sit in the living room. Jungkook, also freshly showered, sits on the sofa, scrolling aimlessly on his phone. The way he’s looking through his feed, you can tell he’s not processing what he’s seeing. You slump down next to him and rest your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes. He takes his hand in yours, thumb tracing slow circles on the back of your hand. The repetitive motion almost puts you to sleep. 

“Oh.” 

You open your eyes to see Namjoon in the doorway, looking at you two on the couch as if he walked in on something forbidden. He starts to back out of the living room. You sit up, and take your hand back. Or maybe Jungkook takes his hand away; you’re not really sure.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt—“

“No, you aren’t. We were waiting for you,” says Jungkook. 

You feel like all the air has been sucked out of the room. Namjoon looks like a deer caught in the headlights, not knowing whether to run away or come closer. The three of you are standing on a knife’s edge, waiting for something to tip you to one side or the other.

“Did you get in touch with the firm?” clarifies Jungkook. 

Air fills the room again, and you slump back into the couch, winded. Back to pretending like everything is okay, then. Like nothing has changed between the three of you.

Namjoon clears his throat. “Yeah, we’re staying as planned.” 

It’s Friday night, and the three of you are outside of the hotel waiting for a cab. Namjoon made a reservation on Yoongi’s recommendation for a trendy new restaurant that just opened. The cold, February air has a bite to it, and you pull your coat tighter around you. 

The world felt askew all of Wednesday and Thursday, as if you were on a ship permanently tilted by waves.  Work kept your mind off things, for the most part. As soon as Namjoon made the call Wednesday morning, Jimin and Hoseok got to work and scheduled a full afternoons of meetings for the remainder of your time on your trip. When you weren’t in meetings, you were in your room, sitting cross-legged on your bed as you answered emails and drafted briefs. 

During your free time, you had to remind yourself to act normally around Namjoon, as if acting normal was the only thing keeping everything from careening out of control. Every time you looked at Namjoon, he was either turning his gaze away from you, or looking at Jungkook with a sad expression on his face. Jungkook, on the other hand... you were worried he would chew off his lip piercing with how much he fiddled with it as he worked. 

Though by Friday morning, things felt like they settled down, with normal, easy banter between the three of you. It felt like a relief to laugh, and not feel on edge. You’re looking forward to going back home, to settling back into your normal routine. 

“Oh hey,” says Jungkook as he checks his phone, “it’s Valentine’s Day.” 

“Is it?” Your breath puffs out in a small cloud and you try to suppress a shiver. The longer the car takes to arrive, the more you’re regretting sacrificing warmth for fashion. You’re wearing your warm winter coat, but your legs are bare under your dress. 

Jungkook wraps an arm around your shoulders and rubs your arms to warm you up. He whispers into your ear, “Will you be my Valentine?”

Even though he whispered it, you see Namjoon stiffen out of the corner of your eye. 

You scoff and push Jungkook away, rolling your eyes, in an attempt to clear the tension. “It’s a stupid capitalist construct.” 

“C’mon, I’ll buy you discount chocolate tomorrow.” He pouts and gives you puppy dog eyes. 

Had you been alone, you would have made him beg for it. With Namjoon present, though, you want to kill Jungkook for acting like this.

Thankfully, the cab pulls up before he can do anything else. 

“Okay, but only because no one else is going to put up with your annoying ass.”

Luckily, there’s no more talk of Valentines on the way to the restaurant. You worry a bit if you’re going to be surrounded by lovey-dovey couples and if that will make the whole evening even more awkward, but unlike other places, there’s no red hearts plastered everywhere, no romantic candlelit tables with pink confetti. 

You get distracted by the good food in front of you and by the end of the main course, you forget about the tense atmosphere of the beginning of the night. A couple of drinks and everything gets right back to normal, the alcohol softening the edges of all the emotions you’ve been feeling. It finally feels like you’re at ease, like the three of you can go without blushing every time you make eye contact. It feels normal, instead of illicit, when Jungkook slips his hand onto your thigh under the table.

You’re laughing at a story Namjoon is telling about his first trial out of school, embarrassing in the moment, but hilarious in hindsight.

“Hey, hey, if it isn’t Rap Monster!” 

“Oh no.” Namjoon cringes as he twists to see who called out. 

Rap Monster? You try not to laugh as you exchange confused looks with Jungkook. 

“Who’s that?” asks Jungkook. 

“My past,” says Namjoon with a rueful smile. He gets up to greet the newcomer, a lean brunette with all the attitude of a carefree frat boy. 

“Hey man, how’s it going?” The man extends a hand out in a handshake.

“Hey Jackson. All good man.” Namjoon takes it and pulls him into a one-armed hug. “These are my colleagues.” He introduces you and Jungkook. “This guy was my freshman year roommate in college and we went to law school together.” 

“Oh, the stories I could tell…”

“Please tell us about Rap Monster,” you say. 

Jackson lets out a loud laugh. “Believe it or not, Namjoon was an underground rapper back in the day.” 

“No way.” 

“You never mentioned that!” says Jungkook. 

“With a name like Rap Monster, I’d like to leave that in my past.” 

“I’ll send you a link on YouTube,” says Jackson in a stage whisper, winking dramatically. He turns to Namjoon. “You should have told me you were in town for work! We haven’t caught up in ages.” 

“Big case. Took up all my spare brainpower, you know?” 

“Last big case, then? Rumor mill says you’re moving on.” 

You go cold. Namjoon’s eyes go wide, and he tries to get Jackson to stop talking, but Jackson keeps talking, unaware. You and Jungkook look at each other, then back at Namjoon, who looks like he’s watching a train wreck in slow motion. 

“What’s that all about, bro? Jumping ship just as we all thought you were about to make partner at Bang & Associates.” 

“You’re leaving?” 

A/N 2: Sorry for the cliffhanger 😘 Next installment coming soon, I promise! I'd love to hear from you if you have any comments!

©sowoozoo-7 2024

Please do not copy or repost. I do not crosspost anywhere else.

[thistransient]

Halfway through July, and I have neglected to write my yearly birthday introspection, although it did occur to me that between my birthday and the new year I was in fact doing two introspections a year anyways.

For certain reasons I've been waffling about it, but it's also quite nice to be able to look back and compare with the previous year, to see what's changed (sometimes unexpectedly) and what's still the same. Last year I mentioned I "made a close friend [...] and disentangled myself from a draining relationship", but in the end I had been drawn to said friend because he was the polar opposite of the person I was disentangling myself from, and while a different extreme might have been refreshing in the moment, that too was unsustainable in the long run. I think what finally dragged me out of the cycle of too-clingy/too-distant nebulous just-friends-but-what-if sort of relationships was twofold: I started going to counselling with a goal (not the usual "I feel like I'm having a breakdown so I'll see a therapist for 3-6 months before ditching"), and also got into a communal hobby such that I was able to make casual friends and attend regular and diverse events with a time limit (rather than laser focusing on one person and relying on them for all my socialising).

A year ago I said I was feeling adrift, goal-less, and filled with the sort of summer malaise inspired by the scorching Taipei weather this time of year. Unfortunately we are still rather scorched. The temperature and UV levels somewhat put a damper on my usual practice of walking around outside looking at things. On the positive side, I did struggle through the adrift-ness and applied for one (1) grad school program over the winter, which I didn't get into but I did learn that I feel better when I'm working on something, and I was also motivated to finally take Taiwan's Chinese proficiency exam to open up my options for the sort of programs I could try for in the future (I passed a level higher than I expected to, and it was great to feel acknowledgment of my competence at something I'd really put long-term effort into). After the grad school rejection I started planning the trip to Ladakh, which allllmost felt like it involved a similar level of paperwork and fuss- and actually pulling that off in the end (ok, even tho this was after my birthday) despite all my fears and anxiety (particularly around travelling post-transition) was also a great confidence boost. (For a week after I also had this frantic urge to drastically change my life, and I can't tell if it wore off with time or if the heat simply drained out all ambition beyond staying out of the sun and sitting in front of the fan eating cold dragonfruits.)

I have at least two proper goals now, and although one may require starting over entirely from an educational standpoint, as they say, "the time will pass anyways". On my bike rides at night I do tend to start pondering what shall become of me, creeping along in the years but being no closer to permanent or even temporary residency status than any other time I write about it either wistfully or with well-intentioned but otherwise ultimately futile determination, nor feeling like I am useful for any sort of capitalist pursuits. (I suppose this is the part of reflection wherein things have stayed the same, and we must stay tuned for next year.) But I also believe I have made some progress in deflating a little the omnipresent catholic guilt at simply existing, not to mention the adjacent notion that enjoying life a bit and not being maximally miserable at all times is a SIN. By this I mean I have gone twice now to a nice hair salon to let a beautiful woman shampoo, condition, and also give me a haircut that doesn't bear a strong resemblance to a bichon-frise immediately after.

All in all, I would say the verdict is incremental improvement. (Okay maybe I'm also racking up incremental nerve damage from all the shibari but you win some you lose some.) My housing/employment/visa-running status hasn't changed dramatically but I feel more hopeful and kinder with myself. I think my Chinese reading speed has kicked up a notch. I've managed to keep the instant noodle consumption under control. I've sent a lot of postcards on my quarterly trips, which are generally well-received. I have taken great delight in growing many plants in the window cage (whether they survive is another thing, RIP to the tomato plants while I was away, bravo to the basil that miraculously rehydrated from what seemed to be a completely unsalvageable state, sorry to the lemon tree sprout that was apparently doing fine on its own before I came back and over-watered it to death). Things feel kinda okay, and I used to be quite suspicious of this because surely they were only going to get worse again, but these days I figure hey, even so, might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

[wardenparker]

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating Your Ex - Epilogue

Marcus Pike x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst​

When Marcus unexpectedly runs into his ex-wife he is plunged into a world of complications where rekindled attraction and deep-seated insecurities reign. Unfortunately for him, it is also a world where his ex-wife is not the only ‘ex’ around, as a new case crosses his desk that will require all hands on deck. ✨💖Inspired by and based upon absurdthirst’s Tequila. 💖✨    

Rating: General audiences for pure fluff, but this blog is always18+ Word Count: 6.8k Warnings: **Blanket warnings for this series include: divorce, break ups, collegiate Greek life, underage drinking, food/alcohol consumption.** Pure fluff with just a passing mention of pregnancy kink. It *is* Marcus, after all. Pregnant reader with mentioned cravings. Summary: Glimpsing a few years into the future, the life of the renewed Pike family is rocked by a new adventures at every turn. Notes: This little story has brought us so much joy, and hopefully it has brought you some as well, dear readers 🧡🧡 Thank you for coming with us, and check out the writing schedule that went up a little while ago to see what’s coming next!

Ch 1 ~ Ch 2 ~ Ch 3 ~ Ch 4 ~ Ch 5 ~ Ch 6 ~ Ch 7 ~ Ch 8 ~ Ch 9

French court has been distinctly different from the one time you ever served on jury duty in a US court, and if you weren't uncomfortable from the hard benches, needing to pee constantly, and the very tiny foot currently lodged in your ribs, you might be more inclined to pay attention to the differences to chat to Angie about it when you get back the DC again.

You and Marcus have been giving witness testimony for over a week in Henri Aubel's criminal trial. It's been a long time coming, since you went undercover for that auction two years ago, but justice apparently takes time. This time you're staying in a moderately priced hotel in Montmartre and enjoying your down time at a more leisurely pace, while Marcus fusses over every step you take to make sure that you and his little boy always have everything you need. He's sitting beside you holding your hand as you listen to the lawyers give their final statements, smoothing his thumb over your hand and wishing just as hard as you are that this afternoon could be over so that you can go back to the hotel and order some room service to just have a little quiet time to yourself.

“Are you doing okay, sweetheart?” Marcus notices you squirming slightly, knowing the baby is more active right now. He doesn’t seem to like you sitting for too long before he starts beating you up from the inside.

“He’s bored,” you whisper back, nodding that yes, you’re okay, it’s just the baby moving around. Gently, you move his hand to the side of your belly so he can feel where his son’s other foot is pushing insistently. “I’m okay, I promise.”

Just like every time he feels his son kick in your stomach, Marcus softens. His eyes turning warmer and even more loving as his hand brushes over your bumping flesh. It feels like he’s trying to play soccer or have a party. “Calm down buddy and I’ll take you and mama out for ice cream after this.” He promises softly.

To your absolute lack of surprise, that seems to soothe the baby more than anything, and you always tease that he’s going to own an ice cream shop one day due to the way it has been your number one, never ending craving for the last seven months. Of course the baby is just responding to Marcus’s soothing voice, but you like to imagine that childhood years full of ice cream truck adventures and inventing new flavours at home are in store for all of you. “Works every time,” you hum under your breath, trying not to grin in the middle of the court room.

“Mhmmm.” He smirks slightly, curling around you. “I know what my wife and son want.” He’s been so proud of where you are during this trip to France. Enjoying when Aubel’s lawyer had tried to discredit you by calling you ‘Madame’ Pike to insinuate that you held a personal grudge over his client. The entire courtroom had tittered when you had very sternly corrected him with ‘Doctor Pike’ and an introduction into your qualifications to speak on this case beyond your own undercover involvement. Marcus had been a peacock during the next break, so proud of you.

When the courtroom is dismissed nearly an hour later, you stand to stretch your legs and give Marcus an apologetic pout. Before you run off to find ice cream, you need to use the bathroom. Again. “I’ll be right back, my love.”

Marcus stands and moves over towards the agents who were crowded around the prosecutor. "We are going to slip away." Marcus tells Ducasse, aware that you and he could be called back for more questions, but it wouldn't be today. He holds his hand out to the agent. "Baby needs a walk and some ice cream."

“We will see you again Monday morning.” Ducasse gratefully shakes Marcus’s hand and glances behind him, smiling knowingly when you’ve already disappeared. His wife was the same way during all three of her pregnancies. “You have plans for the weekend?”

"I think we are going to do whatever my wife wants." Marcus grins. "This is sort of being used as our 'baby moon' since in a few weeks she won't be able to fly anymore."

“We would love to have you over once more before you leave.” Ducasse’s wife had been very fond of you when you visited last time, and he and Marcus have always gotten along well. The four of you had played cards for hours after their boys went to bed. “Chloe has asked if I would invite you, so please. Anytime.”

He nods. “I’ll talk to her and let you know.” He promises, knowing that you would say yes. Either tonight or Sunday night. “Hopefully you have a good rest of the day.”

“We are near the end.” He nods, shaking Marcus’s hand once more. “It will be good to put this behind us. Although I hope it will not keep you from coming to Paris again?”

"No, never." Marcus chuckles at the mere thought of never coming back. "My wife honestly wishes we could move to Paris. If only the FBI operated outside the US beyond special cases." He muses. "She would have our house packed up tomorrow."

He can see it, knowing how you love France, and chuckles softly at the image. “La Louvre would be lucky to have her.”

“What about the Louvre?” You sneak up behind Marcus, slipping your arm into his as he stands with René. That bathroom trip was very necessary, but you feel rejuvenated.

“How much you would be an asset to work there.” Marcus answers easily, shifting his shoulder so he can throw his arm around you. “And if INTERPOL would hire me, you would be packing us up to move to Paris in a heartbeat.

“It would certainly be a conversation to have.” Just because you would love it doesn’t mean Marcus would, and your lines of communication have smoothed out considerably over the years. “I wouldn’t mind, but our families might riot if we cross an ocean with this little boy being so new in everybody’s lives.”

The Frenchman laughs and nods. “I can imagine. It is your first. So it is especially sweet.” Marcus nods and Ducasse steps back. “Enjoy your afternoon, I am getting a coffee before we have to go back in.”

“Ready for ice cream?” It’s summer in Paris, so when you step outside the streets are packed with locals and endless amounts of tourists alike.

“Of course I am.” Indulgently smiling, he casually leads you away from the government building. While he wasn’t as confident in his ability to move around the city like you, he was becoming more acclimated. “You know, that could be something we look at down the road.” He offers, slipping his hand into yours. “Moving here.”

“Would you really want to leave the US?” He’s happy here, you know. He likes Paris and his French has improved measurably with every trip. But you’ve never talked about living here - it’s just your favorite vacation spot. “We’ve never discussed it, so I’m honestly asking.”

“It could be interesting.” Marcus admits, shrugging slightly. “Obviously not something we do now, but it could be something to talk about if the right opportunity came along.”

“We definitely wouldn’t consider it without the right work.” It does make you smile, though, and you lean into his side as you stroll down the sidewalk together. He wouldn’t continue to pose the question if it wasn’t something he was considering. “Is it…maybe worth enough thought that we give an extra thought to how the babies’ names would sound with a French accent?”

Marcus laughs and he knows that you are intrigued by the idea. “We can do that.” He promises. “Although let’s not name the baby Henri.” He teases with a wink.

“Oh god no.” You cringe at the very idea. “I’m not saying give them French names. I’m just saying…if it’s difficult to pronounce or unattractive with a French accent…maybe it gets bumped a little further down on the list?” Considering you haven’t had any luck whatsoever in narrowing down your son’s name, it might actually be helpful. That’s what you tell yourself, at least, so that you don’t get too excited.

“I can agree with that.” In a perfect world, he would try to find a way to move over here now, but his father’s health is failing and he wants to be stateside for the time being. “I still like Archer.”

“And I still say that Archer Pike sounds like a position on a medieval battlefield.” It’s never escalated to so much as a disagreement in your entire pregnancy, but your and Marcus’s very different taste in baby names has made for some interesting conversations. “This week I think I like Jonas or Elias best.”

“Jonas.” Marcus winces. “That sounds like our son is going to be in a boy band.”

“Alright, maybe not Jonas.” Both of you laugh as you turn down the bustling street. “Adrian is good. Or Elliott.” Trying to stay away from what you’ve termed the ‘normal’ names like Charles, Daniel, William, Thomas, Alexander, Jonathan, or anything like that has made naming more of a conversation. And more of a challenge. But that’s the good kind of challenge.

“Maxime?” Marcus suggests. “We can call him Max? Max Pike.” He rolls the name around and looks over at you to see what you think.

“Is that a French name I hear from you?” Pretending to be shocked, you gasp audibly and clasp one hand to your chest in mock shock. But something in the back of your mind makes you pause, and your laughter turns to a soft sigh just a moment later. “You know what Maxime sounds good with?” You tilt your head back to look at him and bite your lip, unsure how he’ll feel about the suggestion. “Theodore.”

“Really?” Marcus swallows, aware that his hand tightens around yours. He’s aware that his father doesn’t have many more years left and he hates that he won’t see his grandchild grow up so this is something to honor the man who had taught Marcus how to be a man. “I— baby, I would love that.” He had been careful not to voice that before because he doesn’t want you to agree for him alone.

“Do you like the names together?” He looks like he’s going to cry, which wouldn’t be a surprise from Marcus. As his father’s health declines, he’s been more open with how the impending loss is affecting him. “Theodore is a great name, even if you don’t like Maxime with it. Maybe…” you hold his hand tightly in support. “If you like it for a first name, we could call him Theo?” His father has always gone by Ted, and it’s a way to pay homage to the man without forcing an identity on your son or putting pressure on him the way family names so often can.

“I think –” Marcus exhales roughly and blinks, trying to get ahold of his emotions. “If you like it, I think that we have found our son’s name.”

“Then I think we have it.” After so much debating and searching and consideration, to actually have agreed on a name makes your heart feel like it’s grown three sizes all at once. “Because I actually love it.”

“I love it too.” Marcus smiles dreaming, imagining calling to his son when he comes home from work. “It’s fitting.”

“We can spend the next two months working on a middle name.” The look of immense joy on his face is all you need to see to be sure that you made the right decision. “We should call your parents this weekend to let them know that we finally decided on the first name.”

“Why don’t we do that in person?” Marcus suggests, knowing how proud his father might be to learn that his grandson is named after him. “Maybe have a little onesie made? And a shirt for him?”

“We can do that.” The wheels in your mind are already spinning about how to get it done before you have to stop flying. “What if we order them tonight and have them shipped to your parents, and we can change our flight when we’re done here to be to Florida instead of DC? Take a couple of extra days to see your folks before we go home?”

“Yeah?” He lights up at the idea and nods. “The case should be done by the time the shirts get there and I can tell mom not to open the package.”

“It would be nice to tell them in person.” You agree, reaching up to touch his cheek as you both pause on the sidewalk outside the patisserie that you know makes the best ice cream in this part of the city.

“It would be.” Your mother has been a little better since the wedding last winter, and excited when you announced you were expecting. Marcus rubs the back of your hand. “Maybe we can invite your mom out? See the baby’s room?”

“We can have my folks come to us once I’m grounded.” That’s how you had been referring to it, at least a little bit. “My sister said she’d wait to bring her crew out to visit us until after the baby is born.” With your free hand, you caress the side of your belly and nearly tear up. “Until Theo is born.”

He will defer to you on this, nodding in agreement. “Whatever you want baby, I want this to be as easy as possible and a good experience for you.” He grins and presses his lips to your temple. “I kinda like you pregnant.”

“Oh yeah?” Although you raise your eyebrows at him, you’re not surprised by it. Marcus hasn’t exactly been subtle in the way he’s heaped affection and indulgence on you since the day you came home from the doctor with the news. “Thinking you might want the second pretty quickly, or maybe a third?”

“Doesn’t matter how many you have.” Marcus promises. “I do love you just like this.” His hand slides across your burgeoning belly. “But if you don’t want any more, I will be happy with you and Theo.”

“And Cat Benetar.” The highly opinionated Siamese kitten you had adopted after returning stateside from your first joint trip to Paris has turned into an even more opinionated grown up cat, who also happens to love her namesake’s music. “No, baby. The only reason Theo won’t be a big brother is if the doctor advises against it for something medical. I…actually kind of like being pregnant. Which is something I never thought I would say.”

He snorts and moves closer, pressing his lips to your jaw line. The past two years have been the best of his life and the idea of having even more happiness makes his heart soar. “You like being treated like a Princess.” He scoffs playfully. “Foot rubs every night. Ice cream whenever you want. Doting husband ready to make you cum whenever you need.”

“And in exchange I have said goodbye to my ankles, given up my entire body to the growth of a tiny human, and gladly sacrificed increasing amounts of my own independence for that same tiny human.” The first day you had had to have Marcus help you out of bed was a very rude awakening, but right now you just sigh in contentment at the feeling of his lips on your skin. “I think that’s a fair trade.”

“You will get your ankles back, I insist on at least one ‘me day’ for you a month, where I take care of the kids and you go pamper yourself, and your body is even sexier.” Marcus insists.

With your arms around his neck and his hands gently cradling your sides, the two of you are the perfect picture of a couple very much in love. These last seven months of being married again have been such a blessing and you wouldn’t trade them for the world. “I think you might have a little bit of a pregnancy kink, babe. Not that I’m complaining.”

Pursing his lips thoughtfully, he finally shoots you a smirk. “Maybe a little bit of one, but you can’t blame me.” Marcus huffs. “The woman I love, carrying my baby that I planted inside her?” He groans quietly and knows you are aware of what does for him. “Good shit.”

“Suddenly feeling a little less like ice cream and a little more like you want to be back at the hotel?” You know you are, but that’s mostly a side effect of the way his voice has dipped down so low it sounds like it’s coming from his toes.

"I always want to be back at the hotel with you." Marcus chuckles. "But I promised our Theo ice cream and I'm not going to start breaking promises now." He hums playfully, leaning in and kissing your nose. "Besides." He moves his mouth over to your ear. "I can always eat your pussy while you eat your ice cream." He whispers softly, aware that it will make you drip with need.

“How do you expect me to act normal when you say things like that?” You pout at him fiercely, but only because you’re too big now to just climb him like a tree anywhere you want. “Inside. Right now. Before I decide to drag you into a cab and order ice cream from room service.”

His laugh trails behind you as you both enter the shop, groaning when the smells hit him. Nothing smells as good as fresh pastries and ice cream. "We can have it to go." He poses, his hand on your back sliding down to rest innocently on your ass.

"Yes. Yes we absolutely can." It's possible that Marcus has grown to love real Parisian patisseries as much as you do. There's nothing quite like it in the world. "Do you want to bring some things back to the room for our breakfast tomorrow since we're here?"

“Unless you want me to run back here while you are asleep?” Marcus offers, knowing how amazing everything is fresh. You have taken to lying in just a bit longer because of the baby.

"If you're willing, I'm never going to say no." Not that you would ever ask him to, but Marcus does like to make a fuss. And it's not just for you - he loves fresh bread and pastry with a fiery burning passion. "Pan au raisin right from the oven is almost as sexy as some of the dreams I have about you."

“You have dreams about bread that are sexier than me?” He pouts playfully and huffs at you.

"I said almost as sexy." You promise him, stepping up in line with him so that the two of you are next. "I know you eye the curves on those croissants, Monsieur Pike. No shame in loving carbohydrates in our family."

“It’s because they match your curves.” Marcus teases, sliding his hands lovingly along your sides.

"Mmhmmm." Your expression is dubious and fully amused. "And it has nothing at all to do with all those flaky, buttery, beautifully light layers in the croissants you love?"

“Mmmmh.” He ducks his head and kisses your neck. “You have buttery beautiful light layers.”

"I'm going to totally bypass how silly that sounds and go straight to sighing lovingly." Not that it's much of a stretch. Marcus putting his lips on any part of your body always makes you sigh. "But we should probably order," you nudge him away reluctantly, not trusting yourself to behave with the way pregnancy has you craving him even more than usual.

Snickering slightly, Marcus moves up to the counter and orders your ice cream and one of the pan au chocolates that he knows you will want, along with his own order. He’ll come back tomorrow for your breakfast and some tea.

The creamy, dreamy caramel ice cream is worth every single second you spend fighting the hot summer sun to lap it up before it melts on the walk back to your hotel. Marcus's free hand tangles with yours as you walk and even though your feet are going to be killing you by the time you get there, you're enjoying just being able to soak up the beautiful weather with him.

“What do you want to do when we get back to the room?” Marcus asks, knowing that despite your need for him at times, the baby sometimes makes the need for a nap greater.

"Dream scenario?" You bite back a grin and lick some ice cream off your finger. "Exhaust ourselves, take a nap, and have room service in our pjs later tonight."

“Reality?” Marcus asks with a grin.

A small laugh of admission passes your lips, and you shrug. "Reality is that I'll get exhausted a lot faster than you will, but it still sounds like a fun night."

“Doesn’t matter. Although, I told Ducasse that I would let you know that Chloe wants use to come over sometime this weekend.” He hums. “You let me know when you are feeling up to it.”

"How about I call her in the morning and set up dinner for Sunday night?" The last time you had had dinner with René and Chloe Ducasse and their kids, you had spent leisurely hours upon hours at the house enjoying their company. Somehow that seems like a perfect Sunday night to you.

“I thought you would choose Sunday.” It sounded like a perfect way to end the weekend and Saturdays have been reserved for just the two of you if work doesn’t interfere.

“As long as that’s okay with you.” Of course you would never pressure him, but if he didn’t want to have dinner with his colleague - your friend - and his family, then he would have said so.

“It sounds like a great way to end the weekend.” He assures you, happy to see the hotel in sight. He knows you love walking around Paris but you get so tired now and he doesn’t want you hurting yourself.

“Perfect.” Both dinner and the hotel on the horizon qualify as perfect, in your mind, and you hum contentedly. “I can’t wait to get out of these shoes.”

“I’ll give you a massage.” Marcus promises. The room has a small sitting area and he likes to sit on the love seat with you and rub your feet while you watch tv.

“What kind of massage?” You throw him an exaggerated, salacious grin and raise your eyebrows like a Marx brother.

“Well….” His own gaze turns lecherous, and he licks his lips in anticipation. “I was going to say foot massage, but I think your pussy looks really sore. Sitting down all day.”

“Oh yeah?” If you could, you’d practically be skipping up to the hotel in eagerness. “Is that more up your alley? Giving my poor little pussy some attention?”

“If you want.” Marcus leans in to nibble on your shoulder lightly. “Spread you out on the soft pillows and see how long I can slowly lick you until you cum. Soft and sweet.”

“And maybe more?” It’s less frequent than it used to be, with you more often being uncomfortable as the baby - and therefore your belly - gets bigger. But tonight, you know you wouldn’t be satisfied with just his tongue.

“Oh baby, I want to lay you on your side and put your leg over my hip.” Marcus promises you. “Let you feel how much I always want you.”

"Then why are we still two blocks away and not in our room?" The grin splitting your face is incorrigible, and you tug on his hand. "You know, exercise is very important for pregnant women."

His laugh is light and easy, happy that this is still palpable between you. He had heard that some women hated being touched during their pregnancy and he would have respected it, even if he hated not being able to touch you. Your pace speeds up, but he makes sure you aren’t trying to run back to the hotel. “Have to make room for dinner tonight.”

"Yes, exactly." You nod wisely, giggling as you shorten the distance between the two of you and your hotel with every long stride.

He can’t believe his luck. Here in the city where you had proposed to him, where you had conceived Theo on your honeymoon, you are now rushing back to your hotel room to spend another evening in each other’s arms. He grins at the street performer playing for tips and wonders why he ever thought it wouldn’t be Paris where you end up. He should have followed you then, but you could be damned sure he would follow you now.

******

It's supper time by the time you pull your car into the garage, tired from an extra day at work that wasn't supposed to happen. Since leaving the photography department of the Smithsonian to a director position that dealt with preservation of paintings, there have been significantly more 'emergency' days just because of the increased size of the collection that you oversee. But it doesn't matter that your back is screaming from bending over a worktable. It doesn't matter, because as soon as you get inside you'll have dinner with your husband and your kids and hop into your Halloween costume to take Theo and Amelia trick-or-treating. The fact that your kids' favourite holiday is on a Saturday this year means that the family is going all out, and even Marcus is getting dressed up to come out with you.

“I hear Mommy.” Marcus whispers to the kids, watching them giggle and their eyes widen happily, knowing you would be surprised. Even if Marcus knew that you knew the kids would be in their costumes, the kids felt like it was a surprise. Especially since Daddy had decided to dress up like Prince Charming to their Mommy’s princess costume.

Coming in through the front door, you sigh as you drop your purse on the table in the entryway and pull off your coat to hang on the rack. "Anybody home?" You call without turning around, never even seeing the house full of decorations. The only thing that's caught your attention is the smell of Marcus's homemade beef stew and possibly fresh bread - unless your nose is lying to you, which it never does when it comes to baked goods.

“In here!” Marcus holds up a finger to his lips to quell the torrent of giggles coming from the three- and two-year-old. “In the kitchen!”

His voice is coming from the opposite direction that you are facing, and you happily trudge a few steps in that direction before finally realizing what you're looking at. There are cardboard pumpkins decorating the archways, construction paper ghosts hanging from the ceiling fan, orange and black electric candles everywhere, and fake spiderwebs on the stairwell banner as well as dotted around the doorways with little plaster spiders inhabiting them like beacons of the holiday. When you turn the corner into the living room, Marcus is dressed head-to-toe in a full Prince Charming costume, little Theo is dressed as a bonafide medieval knight, and Amelia is wearing her sparkly red and orange dragon costume that will have a matching fire-themed trick or treating bag when you go out after dinner. Everyone is dressed to the nines and giggling with excitement when they shout "Surprise!", and you nearly fall over with delight at the sight of your beautiful little family. Even Cat Benetar is wearing a little cat-sized witch hat, though she is currently lazing in her bed in the corner.

"Ohhhh, look at all of you!" Your little girl is the first to leap forward, arms up and begging for a hug before you even get all the way into the room. "You all look amazing!"

“I a dragon – RAWR!” Amelia growls in your face, her little expression twisted up to be menacing but she just manages to be adorable. Marcus laughs and judiciously grabs the sword Theo is waving around so he doesn’t knock the flowers off the table.

"You're my favourite dragon in the whole world, baby girl." You promise her, laying a kiss on her cheek since her costume's head dress is covering the customary spot on her forehead. "And your brother! Such a valiant looking knight, Sir Theo."

The little boy beams at you despite temporarily losing his sword, seemingly unbothered by it at the moment. "Daddy matches you, Mommy!" He informs you excitedly, in case you haven't noticed.

"I can see that." When you turn your smile on your husband it's nearly blinding. "Prince Daddy looks very handsome in his costume."

“Hey sweetheart.” Leaning in, he gives you a kiss that has Theo huffing territorially and Amelia squealing in your arms. “Kiss me, daddy! Kiss me!”

“Kid swap.” You grin, pecking Marcus’s lips again before letting your wriggling daughter climb into her father’s arms and leaning down to pick up your pouting son to smack a kiss on his forehead. The sound of it always makes him giggle, and your children’s’ laughter is undoubtedly the best sound in the whole world. “The house looks amazing, guys! Did you have fun helping Daddy decorate?”

The chorus of “yeahs” are enthusiastic and loud enough to make your ears ring but Marcus had grown used to it. Not upset with his kids for being kids, loud and excited. “Now, we have to eat dinner before we go trick or treating.” That inspires pouts but Marcus winks at Theo and kisses Amelia’s cheek again. “Good thing too because I heard Mrs. Johnson is giving out fudgesicles.”

“Weawwy?” Amelia squeals in delight, as the toddler seems to forget that she was ever upset in the first place.

“Thank you for this, honey.” The dining room is barely seven steps away but you all take them slowly, both kids hanging on to their parents as you and Marcus move. “A museum visitor poked a painting with their glasses before the guard could stop them and a flake of paint came off. The staff panicked and went straight to calling me instead of any of the other staff.”

“Baby, how many times have you had to shoulder doing things because I got called in on a case?” Marcus scoffs, and sends you a reassuring smile. You are a team and sometimes it means he picks up the slack, sometimes it’s you, “all that matters is that you’re here for dinner and the candy haul.” Theo cheers at that, having been assured he can pick out a few pieces to eat tonight. Candy anytime is a celebration to a three-year-old.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t say thank you. This is exactly what I didn’t know I needed to come home to.” You lean over to kiss him before telling both kids that it’s time to wash up. All three of you wash your hands together in the big kitchen sink and you carry the tray of dishes and silverware into the dining room. It’s a long-practiced dance now, and within five minutes you’re all sitting down to Marcus’s amazing meal.

“After dinner, Mommy’s going to change into her Princess outfit while you guys and I get the wagon ready.” He tells the kids. They had insisted they didn’t want to look like babies with a stroller, but he knew that they would be tired within a few blocks. So the solution was the wagon.

“We’re going to go all around the neighborhood tonight, and then tomorrow we’re going to Auntie Angie and Uncle Harry’s house to watch movies and have dinner.” Your best friend said she didn’t want to do anything major for her birthday, but sitting the kids down in front of a Disney movie and making a stack of grilled cheeses with a vat of tomato soup for dinner was good in everybody’s books.

“Kick off for soup season.” Marcus grins at you, eager to tell you his news, but he wants to wait until the kids are distracted. Get your honest opinion.

"And birfday cake?" Theo's eyes widen at his father, not because of the small portion of beef stew that is being ladled into a bowl for him but because of the promise of cake tomorrow.

“I’m sure that Auntie Angie will have the most delicious cake for you to have a slice of.” Angie and Harry had been amazing friends to have close by and it was going to be sad to have to say goodbye.

"Yaaaaayyyy!" Both two little cheers make both you and Marcus laugh, and you tear a fresh roll in half for the kids to share before putting one in front of Marcus and taking one for yourself.

"So you guys had a good day?" Once your children start eating they are hyper focused, so it's a short chance for you and Marcus to talk.

The kids grunt, too busy eating to answer so Marcus decides to broach the subject. “I got a call today.” He tells you quietly “From Ducasse.”

"Oh?" Sometimes it's work and sometimes it's pleasure when you hear from René or Chloe, but either way it's nice to hear from friends. "Business or pleasure?"

“Business.” Marcus squirms slightly, adopting a slightly guilty look.

"Do they need you for a case?" It would be a shame for him to be away from home for a little while, but it isn't the first time he's had to travel for a case since the kids were born. He had brought back a Paddington bear stuffed animal for Theo from London while you were pregnant with Amelia, and goodies for the kids from Rome just six months ago. He was working more and more with INTERPOL and seemed to really enjoy it, so you fully encouraged it every time. Even if it meant missing him for a little while.

“More than a case.” Marcus draws out slowly, wishing that he had more time, but the kids will be done with their food soon. “René has been promoted.” He reveals softly. “And he wants me to join INTERPOL to help him.”

"Oh my..." You can barely keep yourself from cursing or shouting or even exclaiming, knowing that if you do the kids will immediately start asking questions. "Are you serious? Is it...is it a good position?" Breathless, you feel absolutely breathless. "Do you want to take it?"

“I would be the assistant director of the Paris INTERPOL division.” Marcus nods. “I’m never going to advance past my position here and it’s good, but the position is a twenty percent increase and we can live in Paris.”

"It's how much?" Practically hissing to keep your voice down, you can feel your eyes widen and the excitement start to build, and a quick glance at the kids shows that they couldn't care less about paying attention to you. "Baby, th—that...that's amazing." You place your hand on this thigh under the table and give it a gentle squeeze. "But do you want to take it?" If he says no then it's the end of the discussion. Even if you had spent plenty of time dreaming about living in Paris together over the last few years, the reality of anything is always different from the dream.

“I do.” Marcus has given it a lot of thought since the call, especially since the kids are still young enough to soak up a second language quickly. The idea of being able to travel across Europe on the weekends and let the kids live in historic places is a heady thought. “If you still want to go. I know you have your own career to think about.”

"There is a lot of work for conservationists in the area." It's not as though Paris doesn't have its fair share of museums and galleries, and private collectors to boot. But you bite your lip a little and squeeze his leg again, excitement starting to leak through. "But I've been thinking about going back to teaching." He knows that you loved the classes that you taught at GWU a few years ago, but you hadn't really brought it up recently. "The munchkins will be school age soon and I could have summers off with them. Even if the Sorbonne is a pipe dream for a professorship, American University of Paris has a wonderful art history program."

“I do think that professorships pay more in Europe.” He jokes. “Plus we will be able to travel around the continent on the weekends.”

"Look at you." He is lit up, giddy happiness written all over his face just like both times you told him you were pregnant. He's beaming with barely contained excitement. And although your voice is quiet, you know you're smiling a lot harder than you were just two minutes ago. "You've already been looking at real estate, haven't you?"

“No.” He huffs defensively, giving a small shrug. “René already said there is an apartment that’s about to go on the market in his building. I just asked how much it was going for.”

"René is trying to sweeten the deal." The building that the Ducasse family lives in is a converted mansion that has been split into three family-sized 'apartments' that are basically good-sized condos. They're stunning. "And he knows how much I love that building."

“He really wants me.” Marcus admits with a grin. “Even hinted that if I pushed, a housing allowance would be thrown in to sweeten the deal.”

"Holy...sugar." You swallow thickly and lean over to press a kiss to your husband's cheek. The gears are turning in your head, and you know what a move of this magnitude will take a lot of organization. "How soon does René need you? It will take a little while to get everything squared away here."

“Honestly?” Marcus grins. “I was thinking about us ringing in the new year in our new home?”

The smile that spreads across your face is gleaming, and when you glance at the kids you get just a snippet of their very involved discussion of whether or not knights ever ride dragons into battle or if dragons are strictly fellow soldiers. "Then I guess I better update my resume," you murmur, feeling the pull of undeniable excitement. "And we should start teaching these monkeys some French."

“Yeah?” Marcus’s matching grin gets even brighter. “It’s a good thing my own French has improved. As well as my Spanish.” He knew it wouldn’t take much to convince you, but he’s still excited about the prospect of starting a new adventure with you.

"It means the holidays will be a blow out this year." The last American holiday season will be one that both of your families will want to make a big deal out of. Especially if you're going to be moving before New Years. "It's going to be an amazing new chapter."

“I am thinking we invite mom and your parents here?” Marcus’s dad had passed away while you were carrying Amelia, but he was happy that his father got to meet his namesake.

"Definitely." In your seat it's easy to lean against him, breathing in the promise of something new. An adventure you'll take as a family. The family you were always meant to be. "I love you so much, Marc. And I'm so proud of you. Being headhunted by INTERPOL is a huge deal."

“It’s a notch in my professional belt for sure.” He won’t deny that. His time at the FBI has been very fulfilling, but he wants to balance work and life a bit more than the Bureau allows and INTERPOL allows for that. “But nothing is as important as the three of you.”

"The three of us are with you." You promise him. "Always."

He reaches for your hand, a habit that he has no interest in ever breaking. “Just one question.” He poses, staring at you seriously. “Do they have tequila in France? Or are we going to have to smuggle it in?”

"No, my love. We won't have to smuggle it in." It takes everything you have not to burst out laughing at the table, and you barely stifle it long enough to lean over and press a kiss to your husband's lips. "They definitely have tequila in France."

“Good.” Marcus winks at you. “Because you know I’m supposed to stop smuggling, not participate in it.” For a long time, he hadn’t been able to touch it, too much of a reminder of you. Since you’ve stormed back into his life like you had the first time he met you, Marcus loves the taste of tequila again. Almost as much as he loves you.

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My Masterlist!

[evelynsgarden]

◈In the Heart of East Egg◈

THREE KNOCKS AND A KIND INTRODUCTION

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Authors note: Back to writing bitches 😞 need something to keep me stable lmfao- in all honesty this was a lot of fun! Lemme know what yall think :p also feel free to leave requests🪷 MDNI

(Ellie’s coming soon I promise this finna get messy💀)

Warnings: marriage, talk of money, marriage problems, fighting, swearing, use of Y/n, sorta cockblock 😭, insinuated nsfw(future warning that there will be smut, infidelity, drinking etc)

Paring: Ellie x reader x Abby

Masterlist

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In the opulent world of East Egg, where extravagance and excess reign supreme, three women found themselves entwined in a tale of love, longing, and betrayal.

Y/n L/n, the definition ethereal beauty and grace, captivated all who crossed her path with her enchanting charm and porcelain exterior. But behind her facade of wealth and status, lay a heart yearning for something more profound than the shallow desires of the elite.

As the summer sun cast its golden glow upon the sprawling mansions of East Egg, the lines between past and desire blurred, and Y/n found herself entangled in a web of longing and deceit.

Three knocks were all it took for everything to change drastically, three knocks.

“Ahh Jesse it’s so lovely to see you” Abby smiled at Jesse as she ushered him inside the extravagant home. “How’ve you been” the walls were lined with photos of you and Abby, not that you minded but it often made you realize how lovely you felt when she was away at work or on trips, then again you felt lonely most of the time regardless of her being home.

“I’m great actually, I’m currently living across from you right over there” Jesse pointed through one the tall windows at what could be seen of the West Egg as he followed Abby “ it’s small, but it’s nice to be away and on my own you know?” he was met with a nod in response.

As Jesse stepped into the lavish foyer, his eyes immediately sought out Y/n, who peaked out from the couch. Despite the warmth of Abby's greeting, his attention remained fixated on Y/n, his heart pounding in his chest at the sight of her. It’d been so long since they had last seen each other. Although cousins they were more akin to siblings, being each other’s only friend for so long.

“Oh do they miss me back home” you giggled, gazing up at Jesse “people are crying in the streets, begging for you to return home to us ”Y/n perked her head up slightly more. “in fact there’s been so many donations for you to return home they practically touch the ceiling”

Y/n's playful banter with Jesse masked the turmoil brewing within her. Despite the outward charm, she couldn't shake the feeling of being torn between two worlds, drifting in and out of thought which stopped when another voice added to the conversation. “Well if it isn’t Jesse~ to what do we owe the pleasure” Dina drifted into the room, laying beside Y/n on the couch. From what Jesse had heard Dina had been having family problems, not settling down was one of them but her attitude was another, so for the past 6 months Dina had been living with Y/n and Abby in a quest room- If you could even call a guest room equipped with its own living room and pool a guest room.

“I’m currently visiting for the summer, well until I find a job in the city, I’ll still be living around here regardless but I’d like to get a go at it before committing to a place” he smiled “mmmmm the city~ oh I’d go down there more if someone didn’t wollow in their own self pity all the time” Dina interrupted Jesse before he could ask in more detail what she was referring to “ Where do you live anyway?” Jesse once again pointed outside through one of the tall beautiful windows “over in the West Egg” her eyes widened “The West Egg?! I go over there for parties all the time! Someone named Williams throws them they’re wonderful” Y/n perked up “ Williams?” Abby let out a cough before Y/n ask or say anything more.

“Speaking of all this West Egg-East Egg nonsense why don’t you go show Jesse around huh Dina, keep yourself busy? Me and Y/n need to discuss something” before Dina could protest Y/n spoke out “ but he just got here why don’t we-” “we need to talk” the conversation ended there and Jesse made his way to the front door accompanied by Dina.

As Jesse and Dina stepped out onto the meticulously manicured grounds of the estate, the tension between them was palpable. Dina's playful demeanor had shifted, her gaze hardened as she eyed Jesse with a mixture of curiosity and suspicion.

"So, Jesse," Dina began, her voice tinged with intrigue, "what brings you to East Egg? Surely, there must be more to your visit than just catching up with old friends."

Jesse hesitated for a moment, his gaze drifting towards the distant horizon where the sprawling mansions of West Egg lay bathed in the golden light of the sun. "I suppose you could say I'm in search of something," he replied cryptically, his words laced with a hint of longing.

Dina arched an eyebrow, her curiosity piqued. "And what might that be? Love? Adventure? Or perhaps something more... sinister?"

A wry smile played at the corners of Jesse's lips as he met Dina's gaze. "Perhaps a little bit of everything," he mused, his voice barely audible. Jesse's gaze softened, his eyes scanning the sprawling grounds of the estate as if searching for answers in the gentle breeze that rustled through the trees. “ what do you think they’re talking about anyway, seemed rushed, not that it’s any of my business-“

"Fighting, usually fighting nowadays," Dina replied, her voice tinged with a hint of resignation. "That or promises, lots and LOTS of promises” her voice dragged “then again that’s only Y/ns version never really cared to ask Abby. Not that’d she’d tell me anything of course " Dina retrieved a cigarette from her dress pocket and lit it “want one?”

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The tension in the room crackled like static electricity, the air heavy with unspoken words and unresolved emotions. Y/n's voice echoed off the walls, her frustration palpable as she confronted Abby, her words cutting through the silence like a knife.

Abby's smirk faltered, replaced by a steely resolve as she met Y/n's gaze head-on. "Oh, you're so full of yourself, you know that?! My cousins over and you just push him away! My family that YOU made me move away from!" Y/n's accusation hung in the air, but Abby refused to back down, her tone cold and calculated as she fired back, "Wow, I do? Is that why we have this house? If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even be here! He wouldn’t have a place to visit without me! I’m the reason you have a home!” Her words struck a nerve, Y/n's breath caught in her throat, her heart pounding in her chest as she struggled to find the right words to respond. "That's not fair, Abby," she finally managed to choke out, her voice trembling with emotion. "You know it's not just about him or …… Dina or even the god damn house. It's about us, too."

But Abby remained unmoved, her facade of indifference crumbling under the weight of Y/n's words. "Is it, though?" she retorted, her voice dripping with anger and condescension. "Or is it about you, always wanting more, always reaching for something that's not fucking real? Or is it about you being spoiled and never fulfilled? Because I’m sure as fuck trying and you can’t seem to be happy so enlighten me why don’t you?! What could I possibly be doing to make you oh so unhappy?” Abby wiped the sweat away from her face with the back of her hand, she was so tired of arguing, so tired of drilling it into Y/n’s head that she was the only real family she had, the only person who could or would ever put up with her bullshit.

Y/n's eyes flashed with a mixture of hurt and frustration. The accusation stung, hitting too close to home, unraveling the carefully constructed facade of composure she had maintained for oh so long.

"You think this is about me wanting more?" Y/n's voice trembled with barely contained emotion, her hands balling into fists at her sides. "You think I'm not trying to be happy? You have no fucking idea what it's like, Abby. You have no idea what I've sacrificed, what I've given up for us."

But Abby still remained unmoved, her expression hardening with each passing moment. "And what exactly have you sacrificed, Y/n?" she shot back, her voice still with disdain. "Your precious reputation? Your endless pursuit of something that doesn't even exist?"

Y/n's breath caught in her throat, the weight of Abby's words crashing down on her like a tidal wave. "You don't understand," she whispered, her voice so low Abby had to strain to hear it. "You don't understand what it's like to feel trapped, to feel like you're suffocating under the weight of expectations and obligations." Y/n let out a sob and sat herself back on the couch.

Abby's gaze softened ever so slightly, a flicker of empathy shining through the facade of anger and resentment. "I may not understand everything, Y/n," she admitted quietly, her voice tinged with regret. "But I do know one thing—I love you, and I'll do whatever it takes to make things right between us."

Y/n's resolve wavered at Abby's confession, the walls Y/n had built around her heart crumbling in the face of genuine remorse. "I love you too, Abby," she whispered, tears glistening in her eyes. "But we can't keep pretending that everything is okay when it's not- you can’t use money to fix everything"

Y/n's breath caught in her throat as she looked into Abby's eyes, searching for sincerity amidst the heat of their argument. "It doesn't have to be this way," Abby murmured, her voice cracking with desperation. "I don't want us to keep hurting each other like this."

Her gaze softened, a flicker of remorse shining through her hard resolve. "I promise I'll work on this—on us, okay?" she offered, her voice gentle yet determined. "We'll figure it out together." Y/n let out a huff, her shoulders sagging with a mixture of relief and exhaustion. "I hope so," her voice barely above a whisper. "Because I can't take much more of this."

"I'll do better," Abby whispered, her voice laced with sincerity as she leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on Y/n's lips. It was a gentle reassurance, a silent promise of their shared commitment to mend what was broken. The kiss, initially tender and reassuring, deepened as their emotions ignited. Abby's lips molded against Y/n's with a newfound intensity, fueled by the raw passion and desire that simmered beneath the surface of their conflicted relationship. Y/n responded eagerly, her hands instinctively finding their way to Abby's waist, pulling her closer as they melted into each other's embrace, Abby’s hands groping her through her expensive summer dress.

With each lingering touch, sparks crackled between them, Abby's lips trailed from Y/n's mouth to the curve of her neck, leaving a trail of hot kisses in their wake. Y/n arched into her touch, a low moan escaping her lips as Abby's hands teased the sensitive skin along her thighs, inching higher with each tantalizing caress. Y/n pushed Abby’s thigh between her legs, rocking back and forth. Just as she was about to finally let Y/n feel an ounce of relief she stopped “Let’s not keep Jesse or Dina waiting hmm?” Abby smirked, Y/n's breath hitched as Abby's words broke through the haze of desire that enveloped them. “Please~ we can do it quickly please” Y/n begged, she tried to speed herself up but Abby gripped her waist, thumbs pressing onto her nipples, almost like you would hold a mannequin or doll. “Later, come on” With a soft whimper, she reluctantly pulled away from Abby, her body still humming with the lingering sensation her touch. "Fine," she managed to slip despite the strain, her voice thick with desire. "We shouldn't keep them waiting." As they composed themselves, a sly smile tugged at Y/n's lips, a silent promise of more to come lingering in the air between them. Abby place a firm hand on her ass as they left the room “ be good”

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉ ─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉─

“Oh no thank you I don’t smoke anymo-”

Dina interrupted yet again “what is it that you plan on doing in the city” Dina looked up at Jesse with a small smile.

Jesse glanced at Dina, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. "Honestly, I'm not entirely sure yet," he admitted. "I suppose I'm looking for something... meaningful. Something that makes me feel alive, you know?"

Dina nodded, understanding dawning in her eyes. "I get that," she replied, a hint of wistfulness coloring her tone. "The city has a way of pulling you in, offering endless possibilities and adventures waiting to be discovered." "Yeah, exactly," Jesse agreed, a spark of excitement igniting within him. "I want to explore, to experience everything the city has to offer. Maybe even find a sense of purpose along the way."

Dina smiled, a knowing glint in her eyes. "Well, you've come to the right place then,- after all” she stopped her self midway by the sound of Y/n running down the front steps, Abby following behind her in a more relaxed manner. “Oh we’re going to the city for lunch Jesse you just have to come!” Y/n yelled. “Well they’re in a good mood” Dina rolled her eyes knowingly. Jesse chuckled at Dina's observation, nodding in agreement. "Seems like it," he replied with a grin. "I'd love to join you for lunch in the city. It'll be nice to explore a bit and maybe even find some inspiration for this project I’ve been wanting to write”

Y/n beamed at Jesse's response, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "Great! It's settled then," she exclaimed, her enthusiasm contagious. "I know this charming little cafe downtown that serves the best pastries. You'll love it, Jesse!" Y/n was practically bouncing, running a head to get to the car first”

Abby smiled warmly at Jesse, her earlier tension dissipating in the excitement of the moment. "It'll be a wonderful opportunity for us to catch up and enjoy each other's company,- sorry about earlier we just needed a moment” the blonde smiled. Jesse returned Abby's warm smile, understanding. "No need to apologize, Abby. I get it," he reassured her, his tone gentle. "We all have our moments, and sometimes we just need a little space to sort things out."

Abby's expression softened with gratitude, a sense of relief washing over her. "Thank you for understanding, Jesse," she replied, her voice tinged with sincerity. "You're a good friend”

“Jesus- could the two of you hurry I want a sandwich and some tea” Dina sighed, her playful impatience ended the moment as she glanced back at Abby and Jesse with a playful smirk. “Hurry!” She shouted again, running after Y/n and hopping into the car.

Tag list pookies: @sapphicontherun @bready101 (blogs won’t allow me to tag usually if you haven’t posted so for that I’ll @ mfs in the comments❤️)

[canonicallyobserving911]

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON Speculation: Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 15 is now available on AO3.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Currently 15 chapters completed: 486.5K Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

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Here's a romantically fluffy snippet from Chapter 15 from one of Buck's and Eddie's conversations.

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Eddie and Buck pull back at the same time and call each other’s names.

Eddie says, “Buck?” and Buck says, “Eddie?”

Eddie thinks, ‘This is it! It’s the moment I ask Buck to spend his life with me.’ And Buck thinks, ‘I’m getting ready to ask him to spend forever with me.’

They start talking at the same time again.

Buck asks, “Eddie, will you marry me?” and Eddie asks, “Buck, will you marry me?” 

They lean their foreheads together again and chuckle because they’ve always been in sync, just like they are right now.

Breathlessly Eddie says, “We both just proposed.”

“We did!”  Buck admits, then says, “We both want the same thing… to be together forever”.

What will be Buck's and Eddie's responses to their proposals?👀

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This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

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Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - Will be posted soon.

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Read chapters 1-15 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

[ghoul-bonez]

~Stars in Her Eyes, Stars in Her Heart~

Chapter 6: Almost as Much as She Admires You

(Kiri x Fem! Avatar! Reader)

Summary: Flight was something so special, it was something not everyone got to experience, and you were glad you had the chance to feel the wind through your hair, to feel the freedom, and touch the sky.

Word count: 1.1k

Author’s note: N/a

Last - Next

~Series Masterlist~

~Main Masterlist~

Almost as Much as She Admires You

Day two of pa’li training had gone much better than day one. You had come into day two with a confidence Kiri had never seen anyone else possess. Your confidence was bumped down a bit when you fell off a few more times, but then it happened. You did it, rode the animal around the clearing without falling off, and Kiri couldn’t be more proud of you.

On day three you and Kiri rode around the forest all day, goofing off while also making sure you could actually ride the pa’li, not just for a couple minutes. There were a couple mishaps where you almost ran into a tree, and almost tripped over a couple fallen branches, but you made it through the day without any serious injuries. Other than the bumps your ego had taken every time you “almost died”, in your words, not Kiri’s.

Today was a new day though, and Kiri wanted to do something different. She wanted to do something exciting, and she knew you did too.

When Kiri had gotten to your meeting place she hid behind a tree, crouching down and looking around to watch you. She called out to you with a bird call.

Your ears twitched in her direction, but you didn’t seem to think much about the strange sound, probably figuring it was some bird in a tree somewhere.

Kiri giggled quietly, chirping again, and again your ears twitched, but no moves were made.

Kiri started moving around the area, from tree to tree, calling out every once and awhile. She carefully watched your reaction each time. Observing you.

When you made no moves, simply sitting there, waiting, Kiri jumped out behind you, grabbing you and pulling you backwards to fall on your back.

“Good morning.” Kiri smiled above you. The sun beamed behind her, making it look like she had a halo. It made her look ethereal. Like she was the center of the sun, and she was. Her heart was bright and her emotions burned strong.

You snapped out of your thoughts, smiling back at Kiri, “Good morning.”

Kiri moved to lay next to you, rolling in the soft grass beneath her for a second before turning back to you, “I have exciting plans for today.”

You smiled back at her, glowing, “Oh yeah?”

“I want you to fly. Now that you have ridden a pa’li I want you to ride an ikran. To feel the difference in speed and what it’s like to be in the sky. You don’t have your own, so I’m going to let you ride mine.” she explained.

You remembered ikran being a mountain banshee, one of the many creatures Kiri had taught you about, “I’ve only ever heard about ikrans. I know there's a story about an avatar who claimed one that goes around the scientists every once in a while. Usually when someone new comes on base.”

Kiri cringed about that, that avatar is her dad, but she ignored that, “Well you might get that chance someday.”

You gasped loudly, “Really?”

Kiri nodded her head, “Yeah, but that will be far into the future.”

You smirked, your competitive side coming out, “I heard the other avatar did it in like three months, I’m gonna beat his record.”

“Now that you say that I’m gonna make sure you’re not going to beat his record.” Kiri smiled at her “innocently”.

“That’s not fair! I need to win!” You whined as obnoxiously as possible.

Kiri thought for a second, “Actually I would love to see the look on his face when I tell him someone I’m teaching beat his record. Let’s do it, but we can’t rush it. If you’re not ready on time you’re not doing it.”

You chose to skip over the last part, sure you would be ready, “You know him?” Curiosity shone in your voice.

“Yeah, forgot to mention he’s my dad.” Kiri shrugged her shoulders and your mouth dropped open dramatically. When you didn’t say anything else Kiri figured the conversation was over.

Kiri called out once again, like she had been earlier to you, but this time something much larger than herself came swooping down into the forest, landing next to them.

You mumbled “Holy shit.” looking all over the creature. Kiri laughed, you were afraid of pa’li, but not this?

“Don’t look her in the eye.” Kiri warned.

You quickly lowered your eyes to the ground, going ridgid where you stood. You looked up again when you felt the warmth of Kiri standing next to you leave, and watched as she approached the large flying animal.

“Come on.” Kiri waved you over.

You inched your way closer, cautiously, and once you were close enough Kiri took your hand, holding it in hers as she pulled it towards her ikran’s neck, placing your hand on it.

It was smooth, an interesting feeling much like most of the creatures of Pandora. You would never get over everything’s lack of hair. Why did none of the animals have hair?

You continued petting the creature while Kiri climbed up situating herself on the saddle. She made sure to leave enough room in front of her for you to sit comfortably.

When Kiri was ready she reached her hand down to you, “Hop on.” she said.

You used the stirrups on the saddle to hop up and sit yourself in front of Kiri, “Alright, I am terrified, but I think I’m ready.” You admitted.

When you said you were ready Kiri moved her tswin towards her ikran’s, and as Kiri was making tsaheylu with her ikran she heard a whisper in the wind, “She will admire the sky, and everything it brings, almost as much as she admires you.”

You took off quickly, shooting upwards and climbing higher and higher into the air. You let out a loud shriek that ended in loud boisterous laughter. You threw your arms up in the air like you were on a rollercoaster, letting out a loud yell.

Kiri held you tightly and watched the excitement and joy on your face as you flew, slowing down now that you were high enough in the sky. Even when they slowed down you kept beaming, your smile was as bright as a burning star.

You admired Kiri more than anything else, but right now you were enamored by the sky. The feeling of the wind on your face, through your hair. The warm sun beamed down on you. The warmth seeped into your soul, burning you like Kiri does. You wanted to fly high enough to touch the clouds, to feel the coolness of the water droplets on your warm skin.

Flying felt like freedom, but terror also came with it. You had heard the story of a man who had flown too close to the sun, and you felt you were heading towards that. Literally as you were going up, towards the beaming star above you. Figuratively as you leaned back against Kiri, for a second allowing yourself to be engulfed in the flames of the brightest star in your sky.

Word Bank:

Pa’li (Direhorse)

Ikran (Mountain Banshee)

Mountain Banshee (Large flying creatures, Na’vi air transportation)

Tswin (Neural Queue)

Tsaheylu (The Bond)

[maleficore]

I really don't think I'll ever get to actually writing it this decade because I have just That Many other wips and this story is Long, but my god I keep rolling that RDR2 Modern AU of mine in my head like a pretty pebble and I have Many Thoughts. Looong ramble under the cut.

The general gist of it that it's supposed to be a "happy ending" to a true crime story, but it isn't. Not for a long while, at least. Like imagine watching a 45 minute documentary on a missing person's case, the credits roll and you're like "Wow so happy that they turned up in the end" but on the other side of the country that person has been having the worst fucking time for the past year and would've probably been better off missing.

Let me explain.

Up until May 1999 the story plays out like your run of the mill Modern AU that is kept as close to canon as I can make it. Of course some things are different in the way that comes from throwing everything a 100 years into the future like how Eliza and Isaac died in a car accident, not a home robbery. People have jobs that are different, some backstories needed to be adjusted. Arthur's last name is Matthews and not Morgan, having been adopted by Hosea and Bessie when he was around 8 or so. Him and Mary have actually been married, but it still didn't work out. Small divergences, seemingly inconsequential.

Then on May 18th Arthur Matthews goes missing. Leaves no clues as to what might've caused him to leave and where, had showed no signs anything could be wrong before he disappeared. A proper mystery. Of course it's a big thing for a while, Hosea being a pretty well known crook defence lawyer makes it interesting for the news, but after 6 months of nothing even the nastiest vultures get bored and everyone pretty much assumes Arthur to have died. Especially since he's well known to be a recovering alcoholic with multiple relapses under his belt. Probably fell off the wagon again, tripped into a ditch, hit his head. Dead.

That's when Arthur Morgan shows up.

It's up to the reader to decide if this is some universe warping time travel shenanigans or if he's the same person that went missing, just having an episode of some sorts. To everyone in the story Arthur "I'm telling you, I jumped off a sinking boat in 1899 and then showed up here" Morgan comes off as Mentally Unwell, so it doesn't really matter since it is not told from his perspective anyway and there's no way of really knowing.

(It's John's POV by the way. Forgot to mention that, whoopsie.)

And the entire story is basically a whumpy hate letter to all time travel AUs where Arthur gets yeeted into our times and pretty much shrugs it off with minor discomfort (/lh I don't actually hate those, they're silly fun, but they're not realistic?? And I am a realism nerd). Here, he gets majorly fucked up by it. Because how could he not be? First off, Hosea, who he just watched die maybe days prior, is alive and well. So is Sean and so is Lenny. He may be happy, but all that only makes everything feel even less real, pushes him further into believing that the reality he's in is some sort of a mirage or a dream. People talk about all these things that have not happened to him, there are pictures of a stranger with his face in places he's never been to. It's distressing and Arthur might be a guy that handles pressure well, but I doubt there's a single person on earth that wouldn't break under the weight of that. He's no different.

He keeps getting really distressed whenever that kind of stuff gets brought up too often. Starts having regular panic attacks, gets put on medication, sent to therapy. The "gang" are there to help him through it, but the situation takes a lot out John in particular once he realises that whatever has happened to Arthur seems unlikely to be reversed. Just as much as the person in every single family picture is a stranger to Arthur, this Arthur is a stranger to John. It's like he really died in a way. So the plot is just as much Arthur learning to cope and maybe eventually accepting that all of this is real and he's just "crazy", as John watching him go through it while simultaneously grieving the person he no longer is.

Basically an essay pondering the question "What makes us who we are, our memories or personality?" disguised as a fanfic because I like getting philosophical sometimes lol And I genuinely love it. This AU is my baby and really want to work on it, but it would have to straight up be a novel-length story. I don't have that in me 😭😭

[aquagrunt]

life update

so my husband walked out of his job last Wednesday bc they were absolutely fucking awful & an incident occurred that was so beyond mishandled and insane that he no longer felt safe working there.

we have been planning on moving to the Minneapolis/st Paul area sometime in the near future. This has been our plan for the last two years.

he had an interview with a company in the twin cities that we are waiting on hearing back from, but he felt that the interview went well. It would be the exact same job he was doing at his old job. problem is that they want him to start in like. a month.

Now MY job as some of you know is bridal store manager. the bridal store that I work for is a failing business (and has been as long as I’ve been there [10 years]) and I am the ONLY employee and work directly with my boss/the store owner. small business you know. so as you can imagine… immensely improper relationship (she thinks of me like a daughter she never had). at one point many years ago I was planning on buying the store; as I explained earlier this business is NOT profitable and any bank would laugh at anyone trying to take a loan out to buy this business. so I told her that I was not buying the business anymore like. 5/6 years ago? and told her when we made our minds up to move to the twin cities two years ago. originally gave her a timeline for the move at anywhere from 2-4 years.

well, of course she did nothing to plan for me leaving. and now that I very much could be leaving in a couple months is all like “WELL I just don’t know how you expect us to sell everything off ((for the purpose of closing the business)) by then” and is giving me intense guilt trips about this. and wants to hire someone (? literally who is going to work somewhere that’s actively trying to close ?) and all this and expects me to stay on through busy season (which will end after October) because we have weddings with tuxes on the books. and it’s just all so much!!!

AND on top of that, I have to try to find a job when I haven’t been doing that in 10 years, we have to try to find a place there that will be affordable and close enough to our jobs, AND we own our house here so we have to sell it, AND we have to move four hours away and have a shitload of junk that we have to figure out what to do with. we’re planning on renting for a year before we buy a house there just so we really know if we like it there & also so it’s not so hard to go to showings and stuff for houses (like it would be from 250 miles away)

I have lived in the town I live in my whole life. my entire family is within 15 minutes of us (minus a few). it’s not as hard for my husband who has moved away from his family before.

It’s all so sudden and so stressful and I don’t think he really understands just how scary and hard this is for me. I do want to move. But I thought I had at least until next year. My grandma is 90 years old and I don’t want to be that far away from her. my grandpa went so suddenly and I don’t know if I could live with myself if the same thing happened to my grandma and I didn’t get to say goodbye.

also unrelated but I got a bad manicure today.

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

It's been a few days since I've updated about my soul mate voluntarily leaving for rehab. This Friday will be three weeks since I've seen the love of my life. Summer was always our time. We always went on trips and took my nephews to cool places. This picture is from last summer when we took them to the beach for a few days. I know he'll be home soon but I find it hard to enjoy my normal summer activities like porch sitting for one because we always brought our crap out on the porch. I'd do my macrame and he'd do whatever it is he was into at the time like woodworking or stained glass. He sold the saw I got him for drugs this past winter. Sadly that was something he really cared about and it was in that and many other moments where I feared the person that loved might be getting too far gone.

Thankfully, he knew he needed help and made the decision that a lot of people get forced into by their family or the criminal justice system. He's been there before but this time is different because he chose to go on his own. Set it up and left of his own accord. As much as I miss him and I'm lonesome without him that one fact keeps me going. He's doing this for himself but also for us and our potential future.

So yea I might be sad that my best friend/soulmate/love of my life/father to our cats isn't here to reel in the beginning of summer with me with random adventures but I'm also so proud of him. When he calls and I hear his voice and he sounds like the man I fell on love with it reminds me that this will all be worth it soon enough.

I don't want to go through this ever again but I know that with recovery there is always a chance of relapse but every time he chooses to get help or takes the time ask for it or goes to his meetings he continues to build his personal blueprint for recovery. I have also learned more about his signs and mannerisms leading up to relapse so hopefully if it ever does happen again we can detour it even sooner than this time. 6 months doesn't seem very long but it was the longest of my life. I'm just ready for my person to come home and we can continue supporting and loving one another through the good times and the bad.

My family worries about what I'll do if he relapses again and I haven't had the heart to tell them that it won't matter. That is the live of my life and I am going to see him through because he would do the same for me. He's not a bad person even when he's on drugs. He's the gentlest spirit and I could never abandon him. I'm going to school to become a substance abuse counselor. How could I abandon the person I love if my career choice is to help the people that are like him? I want to do this with him and hopefully he will want to offer himself in service to those that are like him as well.

We're about halfway through, and then I hug and kiss the person that I love most in this world. We can heal and grow together like we were before, and I will do everything I can to help him in his recovery. I won't ever abandon him.

[professorsaber]

It looks like AO3 is still down, so here’s my McFly July entry for July 11

This is a sequel to July 8, which I’m posting here.

11. Back in the Saddle

Saturday, March 9, 1996 12:04 PM

In the days after Clara got her driver’s license, Marty felt that both she and Doc were acting rather strangely.  When they had gotten home that afternoon, they had asked Marty and Jennifer to leave.  “Family issue,” Doc had said, but their kids didn’t seem to be aware of anything when Marty and Jennifer had picked them up from school.  And Marty had called Doc three times in the time since, and each time their conversation had been curt and brief.

With the Pinheads’ second album scheduled for release in only three months, and with most of the songs as-yet unwritten, the entire band had planned on spending the whole day in the recording studio that Marty and Jennifer had built into their new home.  But when Doc called first thing in the morning to invite Marty out horseback riding, Marty had to see him.

“Go,” Jennifer had said.  “Figure out what’s happening.”  She had smirked.  “Besides, I bet Steve fifty bucks I know what’s happening.”

And so, Marty headed straight for the Brown Ranch.  Once they were out riding, Marty, unsure about addressing the issue directly, said, “You know, I can’t quite remember the last time I was on horseback.”

“Wouldn’t it have been when you diverted those fugitive slave hunters?”

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Marty said.  “I know that was in 1853, but how long ago was that from, you know, here?”

“That trip was eight months ago, I believe.”

“I meant to ask, we changed history, didn’t we?”

“Presumably,” Doc said.  “Though frankly, under the circumstances, I could not care less.”

Rescuing runaway slaves.  Marty had to agree.

They headed out for nearly a mile after that in silence, their horses moving at a slow trot.

“You’ve been scaring me, Doc,” Marty said.

Doc exhaled.  “I know, and I’m sorry Marty.  Frankly, Clara and I were both a little startled by what’s happened.”

When it became clear Doc wasn’t going to say any more, Marty said, “Are you going to tell me?”

Doc nodded to himself.  “Clara’s pregnant.”

“And that’s bad?”

“No!” Doc said.  “No, hardly.  But it was entirely unexpected—we’ve been taking what we thought were sufficient precautions in regards to contraception—and it seems both of us have been caught in old patterns of thinking on the issue.”

He glanced at Marty before continuing.  “With both Jules and Verne, we were adding two people into the timestream who had never existed before.  And whose very existence could have possibly upended the timeline and drastically altered—we feared we would have to tell them that they could never be exceptional, never amount to anything, never be anything more than footnotes in history for fear that any action might destroy the future.  Add to that the dangers involved in 19th century pregnancies and both Clara and I were on the edge of panic for months.”

“But none of that applies anymore.”

“Clara and I both know that rationally,” Doc said.  “But for some reason we both have had adverse emotional reactions.  It seems that irrationally, our minds remain in the literal past.”

They reached the top of a hill at the edge of Doc’s property.  From the hill the ranch house and even parts of Hill Valley, miles away, were visible.

Marty nodded at the town.  “You’re not going to destroy that if you have more kids, Doc.”

“We’re both aware that we’ve been foolish about this,” Doc said.  “And yet—could you do me a favor, Marty?”

“What do you have in mind?”

* * *

Saturday, March 9, 1996 6:30 PM

“Well,” Jennifer said that evening, “at least I got fifty bucks out of Steve.”

Marty laughed.  “You don’t think they were being weird about it?”

“I guess it’s always a little nerve-wracking, having kids,” she said.  “Still, having you go all the way to 2026 to make sure things will turn out…”

Marty thought of the invitation he had swiped from the future.

Together with their families,

Martin Seamus McFly, Junior and Pauline Nightingale Brown

invite you to attend their wedding

Saturday, July 11, 2026

at precisely three o’clock in the afternoon

Brown Ranch 42360 Big Ranch Road Hill Valley, California

“Yeah,” Marty said.  “They’ll turn out.”

END