#so if bad health or insomnia is a trigger

[lua-magic]

Moon and your pending Karmas.

Moon is the most dengerous planet, as it is fast moving planet and it continuously waxes and wanes, which brings fluctuations in nature of a person and person experiences mood changes.

Now, it is proven even by scientists and by quantum physics, the reality is just our "Experiences" and this experience is shaped by "Moon" that is why everyone is experiencing different realities at the same time.

Whenever Moon is afflicted by Malefics it is most dengerous and troublesome position for moon and person experiences, suicidal thoughts, depression, OCD, financial issues, stability in life, and an

Moon is the planet that gets afflicted very quickly.

Anytime moon is debi or afflicted Jupiter also becomes afflicted because Jupiter is exalted in fourth house which is house of Moon.

Moon is exalted in second, fourth and eleventh house as well .

Moon is debi in sixth, eighth and twelfth house

"So, best remedy of Jupiter is improve your moon"

Fourth house from moon lies your pending karmas and there you will experience most problems in life.

"If your moon is in first house then fourth from moon is your fourth house".

So native experiences mental health issues like mood swings, anxiety, depression, problems with mother, OCD. So, person needs to work continuously on his mental attitude in his life.

Moon in second house

Native experiences issues with making decisions and remain confused in life, as now fifth house is getting afflicted, which house of intelligence. Most of the time, person education will not be useful and native will work in entirely different area of life. Native can get problems with his/ her child as well.

Native should read more books and continuously update his knowledge.

Moon third house.

Person would make many secret eniemies and and might suffer from health issues and debt in his life time. Person sometimes becomes too greedy, lustful and angry which is why keeps getting involved in unnecessary fights.

Person should always work on his/her own triggers and must focus on healing.

Moon in fourth house

Native experiences problems in relationships and with his/her spouse.

If person owns business or are in partnership then it creates problems in partnership as well . Moon in fourth keeps native in his/her comfort zone and makes person extremely Moody.

Native should choose his/her partners wisely.

Moon in fifth house 🏠

Here, native experiences lot of transformations and has to let go lot of emotions from him/her. Native doesn't like to show emotions in front of others but feels everything deeply inside. Person experiences lot of pressure or load in his mind

Person has anger issues , ego problem.

Native needs to do lot of shadow work so that he/she can release their emotions

Moon sixth house

Person Jupiter is getting afflicted here, so native experiences problems in long term goals, visions, problems with his/her luck and also causes problems in education.

Remedy is to follow your ritousnes and morality in your life and always make long term goals

Moon in seventh house

Moon in seventh house native (Male) gets attracted to the wife of other's married men easily it also gives native problems in jobs and profession and native continuously shifts or Changes his/her carrier.

Remedy is to learn to manage your sexual desires and choose your profession wisely.

Moon in eighth house 🏠

Moon in eighth house is not so good position for moon as person has lot of hidden emotions and traumas that he/she needs to work on. Native also faces issues with his/her gains and financial issues.

Person feels isolated and depressed and are unable to make friends in his life time.

Only remedy that can work for native is to learn astrology and occult.

Moon ninth house

Native experiences sleep related issues or bad dreams in certain cases. Native could suffer mental health issues like OCD, insomnia, and problems in bed pleasure.

Native needs to follow spirituality and do meditation.

Moon in tenth house

Person has problems with his/her personality and health issues as well

Native might be introvert, and experiences frequent weight gain and loss issues.

Native should continuosly work on his/her personality.

Moon in eleventh house.

Person experiences problems with his/her family, and problems in gains, if moon is in good position and exalted then person experiences good and sudden gains but if moon is afflicted then person experiences unstable flow of money.

Remedy is to be careful about the words you use, don't hurt anyone by your words and take care of your food habits.

Moon in twelfth house

Person experiences issues with their siblings and problems in starting any work.

Person would be too lost in his/her own thoughts and suffer from depression.

Person lacks courage and can't fight for his/her desires.

Native needs work on his/her subconscious mind .

If you love my work kindly keep supporting me, so that I can make more astrology content and help everyone.

[nagoyatriste]

Secrets

synopsis: the absence of your husband in your matrimonial bed triggered big sleeping trouble, but the secret you hide was the one to let you without sleeping.

pairing: Diluc Ragnvindr x Fem! Reader.

contents: fluff, a little angst (I don't think I can call that angst), pregnancy.

word count: 1.144

a/n: my second writing yay! I did an effort and made it longer than Lisa's one. I hope you like it 💗

The doors closed behind him, and a little sigh left his mouth. "Finally at home," said in his inner.

Diluc spent the whole night being the Darknight Hero, nothing weird considering that it was a normal and daily activity for him, but for you, it is torture, your husband away in the dark fighting the evil that resides in Mondstadt, just not your liking. But you can't stop him, you know and understand the reasons he haves and why it is important for him.

Every time he goes to fight you can't sleep a wink, of course, he doesn't know it and won't know, this can make him worry and that is going to be one more weight over his shoulders, a weight that you can support by your own if it's for the Ragnvindr well-being, even if you know that it is not good for your health and the one of the life inside of you.

Oh, there are two things you hide from your husband.

The sound of the doors in the entry gets you out of your thoughts and turns on the alarms in your brain, Diluc is finally at home! But you are awake and you weren't supposed to be, fastly you put yourself in a comfortable and "natural" position to sleep, or well: simulate sleep, in waiting for your couple to get into bed. His steps getting upstairs started to make you nervous, with a deep breath you closed your eyes and put all your effort into having a straight face.

This occasion is not like the others when the red-haired comes home after doing his "night activities" and you're almost in your dreams, the pregnancy cramps, sensibility, and all the things that come with a child are passing over you, and taking you out your few hours of sleep, even now that he is already at home you can't feel a minimum pinch of sleepiness, adding the pressure of not have talked with your husband about the baby, maybe it wasn't too much, but it's enough for your fragile mind.

The door of your shared room opened, and with an open eye, you managed to see his silhouette reflecting on the wall in front of you, making the least noise possible Diluc started to get comfortable for sleep, not before closing the door behind him leaving the room in darkness.

He softly sat on the bed turning his back on you, untied his hair, and said "I know you are awake, y/n"

You swallowed hard, how he noticed it? You were just lying down on the bed, how bad can your acting of a sleeping person be to your lover noticing it so fast?

"H-how…" your voice cracked, turning around at a slow pace to look at him and sitting, so you two are in front of each other.

"You've been taking naps recently, so I guessed you're not sleeping well" like you he turned around, looking at you with his usual expressionless face. "You stayed awake the whole night?" he asks, patiently waiting for an answer, you just nodded at him "Don't worry, if you are dealing with insomnia I'm going to acquire the best medicinal plants for you, so you can sleep well" with a delicate touch Diluc caressed your hair, being so careful that you've felt like he was touching the most fragile thing in the world, didn't you know but that's how he perceives you.

"Diluc we have to talk. No! Not talk, ehm… I have to tell you something" you wrapped his free hand with yours. The nerves started to consume the bartender, why his sweet wife started acting like that? What's wrong? He hadn't noticed any out-of-normal attitude from you, just your naps in the afternoon. "I've hidden something from you for a few weeks, I know you're an observer so I did my best to hide it" you giggle.

Now more than nervous, he is confused "Why… why you've been hiding something from me?"

"Love, you remember that day when I ate something that made me sick?"

"Yes, I remember but, what's the point of this?"

"I wasn't sick Diluc, I'm pregnant" you dropped fast, it fell on him like a bucket of cold water "I was feeling bad lately and that day was the culmination of everything, I went with Jean and Lisa for help, they took me with a person that specializes in those things and well… this is how it ended" he wasn't reacting, just stayed looking at you in shock. "I've been having trouble sleeping since we married, the thought of you in danger doesn't let me sleep, being alone at night…" tears started falling from your eyes "The pregnancy made it worse, I wanted to tell you before but you've been busy with all the stuff happening in Mondstadt, I'm sorry-"

The firm grip of your husband stopped you from saying more, the strong but delicate touch embraced you, filling you with heat.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything… It's my fault, I've neglected you" said softly near to your ear, the hold in your back and waist being stronger and getting you near to him if it's possible "How do you feel about the baby?" looked at you, connecting both glances and carefully cleaning your tears with his thumbs.

"We never talked about being parents, but… I like the idea, and I like to think that… I can be a good mother, what do you think?" your words were so soft that can be perceived as a whisper.

"You are going to be a perfect mother" a sweet smile appeared on his face, something that not everyone can see.

"And you are going to be the best father in Mondstadt! Imagine it, a little child running behind you, wanting to be with his father, I want to cry just to think about it" the idea of him with his future children and wife made his heart burn in emotions, a warmth in the chest that he hasn't felt in a really long time. You rested your head on his chest, getting your arms around him simulating the grip that he has on you "I know I can't stop you from helping Mondstadt, I don't want you to think I want that"

"Don't worry, I have someone that can help me with that" said without any clarification of who is he talking about, without moving your head from his chest you looked at him in a notorious state of confusion "We better talk about this at the morning, you two have to sleep"

"The three of us have to sleep" a big smile appeared on your face.

Both of you got comfortable in bed and had their so-deserved sleeping, of course without losing the contact and the warmth you give to each other.

[oneacearmy]

Sole Survivor with severe separation anxiety

I imagine a Sole that didn't come out of the Vault as unscathed as they have us believe. At the beginning when they didn't have any relationships aside from Codsworth, they didn't notice much. Even with their first companion they didn't notice.

But after switching companions, they start experimenting nightmares, insomnia, seek of physical contact, chills, shaking, etc. It starts small like waking up in the middle of the night with a heavy heart or a misstep on their traveling while thinking of first companion. Then the chills start and the insomnia. The last symptoms would be night terrors and panic attacks.

Current companion catches on eventually and tries to coax them to talk about it. But even Sole doesn't know what's happening. Current companion offers to put their bedrolls together and sleeping together and it helps. It really helps. The night terrors disappear along with the panic attacks, the insomnia recedes but the waking up with a heavy hearts still occurs.

When they reunite with old companion or when they talk with a Commonwealth doctor, they discovered that these symptoms are from trauma. Their subconscious believe that their loved ones disappear or die if they losses sight or closeness from them. This is because of what happened in the Vault, when Sole woke up from cryo their family was dead, their neighbors gone, their family and friends and acquaintances. Their home and city and country. They are ALL GONE.

Sole has to live with this. He starts coping in different ways like grounding techniques and self taught psychosocial therapy. Mental health is a spectrum, we got good days and bad days, so when Sole is having a bad day, they hold their companion's hand or grabs their arm. Their companion grounds them in different ways like rationalizing their thoughts, delaying their ideas, using physical touch or distracting them. (should I write a companions react with how each companion helps sole through this?)

I imagine a Sole Survivor asking their romanced companion to hold them at night or to sleep face to face because if they wake up facing the wall they freak out. I imagine a severely wounded Sole resting alone in a bed or room and when they wake up alone and in an unfamiliar place, it may trigger a panic attack or a dissociating episode.

[gabessquishytum]

Okay as a Particular Kind of asexual I have a rather specific au. It could work for both Hob or Dream but for my purposes let's go with Dream on this one. Human Dream is a HUGE workaholic. Like stressed 24/7, can't relax for the life of him, insomnia to the MAX. he's tried EVERYTHING. Yoga, affirmations, candles, drugs, fuck it he's even tried going GLUTEN FREE for fucks sake but nothing can break this cycle of physical and mental stress. He's gotten the "You need to get laid dude" but he can give HIMSELF an orgasm just fine, and it hasn't reset his brain or body, and the effort of going out, finding someone who wants him, determining whether they're a seriel killer, doing the Whole Hookup Song and Dance, with the high probability that it won't even work or be particularly good? It's just more stress on his plate. So a friend, could be a good friend (Lucienne) or a bad friend (Corinthian), suggest he see a Professional. A professional Dom, that is. He needs out of his head for a while, and that's the whole idea right? Just letting someone else do the driving. Cue Hob, Gentle Dom Extraordinaire, who has JUST the right touch for this mess of a man. He's kind and friendly, the kind of guy you WANT to listen to honestly, a guy you can trust, and he never gets meaner than some teasing, keeping Dream from feeling defensive and storming off. Dream goes in pretty skeptical of the whole thing, but by the time he's come out he's already addicted. Their first few sessions are distictly non sexual, but after a while they start branching out, working out Dream's physical stress...

I do think it would be really good in the other direction too, I just don't think Hob would have particular trouble NEEDING a Dom, I think he'd just try it as he does many things in his Insatiable Lust for Life and falls for Dream's Domming specifically. Soft Dom Dream? You'd never guess, especially since outside their sessions he's such a..stone cold asshole tbh. You'd think he'd be mean and demanding, but his soft deep voice says such sweet things instead, Hob MELTS.

Thanks for the platform to project all this outwards, it would be stewing in my mind FORVER otherwise

Ooo yes I'm a big fan of domination being a part of lifestyle which isn't always sexual. Dream being dommed into basic self care is something that can be so personal actually. And honestly? I can see Hob benefitting from the same thing. I can definitely imagine him going through fluctuating mental health and needing a steady hand to get him back on the right track.

Back to Dream, though. I love the idea of him going to Hob with certain expectations (Cori told him that it would be all whips and chains). But Hob is soft and kind, and he quickly puts Dream at ease. The first session is all about finding out what Dream wants, what his triggers are, how he wants to feel at the end. Hob eases him into the dynamic by guiding him through a series of orders - it's more like a guided breathing exercise than anything else, and it does give Dream a more realistic idea of what sessions with Hob are going to be like. There's also a very nice massage specifically for Dream’s hands, which he's never had before.

He leaves feeling like he's floating, with strict instructions from Hob to call if he feels any negative side effects whatsoever. He can't believe how good he feels! And he wants to be such a good boy for Hob.

Within a few weeks, Dream is eating nutritious meals and going to bed without his work laptop. He's got more important things to do in bed! He's got to send Hob a picture of his cute little hole stretching around an egg plug by 9pm, or he'll be in big trouble...

[naamahdarling]

If it isn't too upsetting to think about, could you share some stories about past pets?

So I had this very small fluffy black cat who was cockeyed, she was extremely cute and weird. We called her Tazendra after a Steven Brust character, but mostly we just called her The Mocus. (It's a long story. Don't worry about it.)

So one time my sister who is an excellent baker sent us home with a basket of baked goods for Christmas. Her lemon bars are honestly the best I have ever had. I love them.

So my ex and I were sitting down in bed the next day, relaxing, with the basket of goodies on the bed.

Tazendra got on the bed and wanted to get at the basket but there was very little in there that cats would like. Lots of chocolate, peanut butter, spiced things. So when my ex went to shoo her away, I said "No, it's okay, there's nothing she'll want. Let her see and then she'll leave it alone."

She immediately grabbed an entire lemon bar and fled with it, and by the time we caught up with her she had eaten half of it. And that is how we learned intense citrus wasn't a dealbreaker for her.

I have never lived that down.

That same cat saved my life by totally inexplicably and out of nowhere adopting a new habit of coming to sleep on my chest when I was having real bad insomnia for several weeks before I had found mental health meds that worked. Insomnia is the single most powerful trigger I have for active suicidal intent. I have to avoid it, but can't without meds. So for a while I was very very ill because I couldn't sleep. So my cat stepped in after just a couple of weeks. She knew I wouldn't move her, I never did when she was sleeping on me. And so I had to lie there unmoving in the dark. And eventually I WOULD fall asleep even if it was hours later. So I basically only slept because she forced me. When the meds started working and I could sleep again, she stopped doing that entirely and never did it again. Nothing will ever convince me this was a fluke. She was incredibly sensitive to my mental state and without her I probably would have died. She was a little furry hero.

This is her:

[tulip-simp-artist]

Nightbringer MC who starts back up their old bad, depressing, “habits”. Like MC was known in their original timeline for having terrible mental health, and through years with the characters, have gone a lot better. Then they are sent back in time, no one but Solomon knows them and yet they HAVE to be around the people they used to know so well EVERY day! That’s gotta fuck you up in the head.

TW Topics Below: Eating Disorders, Insomnia, Cutting, Self-harm in general, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks

So MC’s depression is worse, again, and all the things they had overcome, they indulge in again.

Example with my MC, Eden: Eden first came to the Devildom fighting depression, an eating disorder, insomnia, and self-harm. Through time, support, and help, Eden started eating 3 meals a day again, sleeping more, and stopped cutting their arms.

Come Nightbringer and Eden is sent back in time in more ways than one. ALL the progress and work starts chipping away. Constantly, they are having panic attack out of any prying eyes but Solomon. Solomon can’t comfort Eden because he and Eden have a rocky relationship ( a few times Eden seeks him out, they don’t want to ruin their progress with healing from their various mental illness). Anxiety in through the roof, and anything triggers it (they are also easily startled).

Sleep becomes restless again and soon is unarchivable, Eden gets MAYBE 3 hours of sleep. Eating becomes a chore, especially since Solomon’s food is a hazard. Eden doesn’t even eat around the brothers despite often being there for one or more of the meals. Hell, Eden probably cooked said meals and still DOESN’T eat! Solomon thinks Eden is eating with the brothers, the brothers think Eden is either not hungry or just going to eat when they leave for the day. It goes unnoticed for a while. The twins might pick up on Eden’s lack of sleep and eating but they are new demons so they just assume it’s something else.

Eventually, after it is revealed that Eden is human, a few things give away their declining mental health. One, demon’s can sense and smell blood, and Eden started cutting again.... They know something is up, something is wrong, but physically Eden is fine?? It is the topic of conversation when Eden leaves in the evenings. They don’t completely put the pieces together until their attendant passes out at Diavolo’s castle before dinner. Panic ensues because the HUMAN attendant has fucking passed out on the floor.

When Eden wakes up, the brothers very much more anxious when they sleep because of the week long coma thing, they know everyone wants answers. They give them answers, indicating the lack of sleep and lack of eating and LEAVE! They don’t want to stay and are back to NOT wanting help!

Seriously, I know this is all talking about my personal MC, but this could apply to anyone’s MC! Maybe I just like Nightbringer angst/proving the MC wouldn’t at all be happy stuck in the past like Nightbringer wants, idk. But I want to hear more about how people’s MCs are affected by the events in Nightbringer.

[pluralismajestatis]

Oh boy! Having CPTSD is great!

Ever since starting trauma therapy, we've struggled with insomnia and severe nightmares. There's been this background nagging whether the insomnia itself isn't just the nervous system never leaving fight/flight. We've particularly struggled with waking up into panic attack symptoms, or having our heart rate pick up into the hundreds when we fall into light sleep - particularly for naps. There seems to be long-term evidence of sleep losing its safety completely for us when we started tearing down the dissociative barriers.

Well! Tonight, boy, have we had confirmation. For the first time ever, had a full-scale night terror: in a half-dreaming state, engaged in life/death combat with our blanket, and evidently in the rush of it, attempted to escape bed but instead fell over the frame at the end and retreated. The impact was so painful that it triggered freeze state, and even in that state, lying down as flat and silent and unmoving as possible so that The Assaulter wouldn't see us or would think us dead, it was the combination of the recognisable symptoms of a full-blown panic attack that actually woke us up. Heart going 4000bpm, hyperventilation, etc. All easy enough to recognise, so, becoming aware, focusing on our breathing is the first and easy thing to do. Almost immediately, though, the awareness of holy SHIT what did we DO hits in with the pain. Arm, ribs, left index finger. The latter hurting so bad it honest to god might be broken. Can't bend it, the only thing we can do is rock back and forth and try not to scream. Lovely.

We stagger to the kitchen, grab a towel and an ice pack, eat a sedative because fuck that, and return to bed to listen to first some calming Sleep Stories and then guided sleep meditations from Calm, not sponsored, I just sincerely find this app so helpful for our mental health. Fell asleep.

Cue this morning! The finger is severely fucked. Going to the A&E tomorrow when it's not three hours away by bus, this definitely needs an x-ray. Something cronches if I straighten the finger, gently, with my other hand and it can't bear any weight or force, and by that I mean I can't press a mechanical keyboard's keys with it without feeling like the joint is loose. Totally fucked this thing up. Theory is that we, scrambling to escape from the bed, stumbled over the wooden frame and landed on the finger and ribs. There's a big old bruise on the ribs too but it's superficial at least.

Today's measures have been manifesting splints out of household objects. First, I used the miniature Frostmourne from a Lich King figure, but that bugger's got a sharp handle so it started digging into my skin over time. The kinesiology tape we got for our shoulder has been a godsend, though. Replacing the sword as a splint, I found a used piece of aluminum wire from our clay projects. And you know what. Holy shit. Damage photos underneath but this thing looks so solid. Such fashion. Wow.

So yeah. Trauma is fun, I sure do love feeling safe about going to sleep every night, and tomorrow I'm gonna spend the whole day queueing up at the hospital. Joy!

[andmyvape]

You know...

People talk about drugs like if you give someone who wants them whatever drug they're asking for in whatever amount they're asking for, they'll become hopelessly addicted and ruin their lives

Now I'm not arguing that addiction isn't fucking awful but I fervently believe those in the newer circles of rehabilitative care theory that are putting forward the idea that addiction, at its core, is self medication. Unregulated, self destructive self medication in too many cases, but it's not the drugs themselves in so many cases, huffing paint thinner and other examples not withstanding, but honestly I don't think people would do that if they had alternatives that ARE less damaging.

It's the pain and lack of support that drives so many people to alleviate their pain or stress which really is just pain too by numbing it with drugs. It helps, but they don't regulate, they don't find alternatives to cope with whatever they're medicating that lighten the need for the medication alone, their tolerance builds up, they don't know what they're medicating enough to know how to do that consciously and more safely...

It's a nightmare that is truly systemic, not some moral failing or some contagion inherent to the human spirit. I can't currently think of any example of an organism that wouldn't practice homeostasis when outside of whatever range of normal function they're supposed to be in. Not for some philosophical or spiritual reason, in this sense specifically it is purely biological, and I find it to be DEEPLY disturbing that so many people I encounter in my life INSIST that being in constant discomfort is somehow a state to aspire to and be proud of. Being able to safely handle exiting a space that would provide you homeostasis means being able to MAINTAIN that homeostasis when you go elsewhere or do other things. It's NOT about giving in to the idea that if you prefer to be comfortable that you are somehow weak or inferior. That is not a mark of strength, it's a mark of how damaged a person is.

Grandpa, stop ranting about my generation not wanting to be "triggered" you literally JUST threw a hissy fit because they didn't have your slim jims at the corner store and the cashier wouldn't give it to you for free. Your comfort is predicated on unfairly demanding behaviors from others that is not being reciprocated in a worthwhile way. I don't think that's more valid than my being upset that a man who claims to love me is more interested in mocking a caricature of a trans person that isn't actually me. But I digress

The point my adhd ass is making here is that I think I understand a bit more about what I've been arguing this entire time. Not that I didn't understand it at all before so much as that I've been given new depth. I have a pain condition, possibly multiple, have my entire life, and I have always been rather fixated on whatever would alleviate that pain. When Tylenol stopped working, I stopped using it. Eventually I found marijuana which has done me WONDERS but I've been dealing with worsening health issues due to various reasons and it's not quite doing enough. I had to be taken off all my meds because of a bad interaction and in the month before we start reintegrating meds that might help, my doctor gave me benadryl

Now, I've been taking benadryl on and off for years for anxiety and insomnia. I can't do it long, some toxicity issue I think? Or organ failure. Can't remember right now. The guideline is a two week limit, and I've found by the end of that two weeks it is very hard for me to get the effect I need without running into the 300mg daily cap. And the times I've taken it before it hasn't done much but make me sleep eventually and relax for a few hours

That has changed. Now when I take my benadryl, I can feel it kick in like God Herself just grabbed me by the scruff of the neck, total limpness, the anxiety isn't GONE but it's so much more manageable. The cessation of pain is so fucking nice, which I understand is a HUGE component of addiction outside of the direct chemical alterations over time becoming unpleasant or downright agonizing to reverse. Being so uncomfortable and having it relieved that quickly is amazing. It doesn't make the problem that is causing me the stress or pain go away, but it does give me clarity of mind that lets me take action to make my life better, for myself and my loved ones

Now here's the kicker for me. I HAVE taken benadryl before, but when I did, my conditions were so unmanaged that it just really did not do THIS much. And at that time, I very much required things that were stronger, for both pain and mental distress. I was given them after some hospitalizations, begrudgingly, and surprise of surprises it helped me. I started to improve. Pretty significantly. Years later, they started making me sick, thus the meds having to be changed now, and honestly I was TERRIFIED because I thought the benadryl wouldn't be enough, like it was before, and I'd spend a month in agony. I was so wrong yall

So here's what I think, in my amateurishly educated opinion: if they had just given me the medicine I was asking for instead of taking my agency away in denying my medication that could have helped but could also have consequences that they felt weren't worth the risk. Maybe they were, maybe there weren't, but... Shouldn't that have been my choice? And I did eventually get put on something stronger, which led to me having the strength and spoons and clarity I needed to make changes over time that have led to me being able to be helped by the benadryl now. They couldn't have just handed me a bottle of percocet at 14 and said "Good luck!" because YES that would have been it's own kind of damaging, but I have trouble with authority, and at least the damage would have been mine to cause. After all, it was my body

But... What they could have done, what research is proving again and again ACTUALLY works more than patriarchal denial of bodily autonomy on the basis of my supposed "inherently and deeply lacking ability to make choices for my own health," is just... Giving me the meds I asked for. Tell me the risks, help me manage the potential consequences, trust me to tell you when I feel sick instead of functional. To not just keep taking more and more of whatever drug that is helping me but you've decided I'm having FUN with, to the point that being denied the care I needed was damaging. If you had trusted me, I would have trusted you, and we could have made a plan that would have probably resulted in what's happened now, me finding that benadryl actually is enough now and crying in sheer joy that I've finally worked hard enough to get this far

But that would have implied that I have an ability and right to make decisions about how to take care of my own body, right?

This isn't a story that hasn't been experienced and shared so many times that it all paints a detailed and disturbing tapestry of how little bodily autonomy matters in this system. Too many demographics are judged as being "at risk for addiction" without the judgement being made by people who care that those demographics are at risk because of so fucking many social and systemic inequalities that leave so fucking many deprived of preventative, proactive care that would ultimately ease the burden of emergency care that has to be given once things get to a point considered "bad enough" and that's just... Not okay.

[joshinyou]

「 effects of being on and off his meds: TW: obviously this post will deal with mental health issues. some of which I can relate to, others I've been researching so as to properly portray and shed light on. do not keep reading if this is a trigger subject for you.

Josh deals with anxiety, insomnia, ADHD, and paranoid schizophrenia. There's a whole cocktail of medications that he's on that his doctors have been tailoring for him for years. They think they'd found the right balance of what works, but it only works if Josh keeps taking it.

While on his medication, his moods are more evened out and he's able to sort through his emotions with a more logical approach. He also no longer has hallucinations in the form of visions or voices. His dreams are more amped up, though, with wild nightmares being frequent. He's prone to bad migraines and if he doesn't eat, he can get dizzy and even faint. Though he has vivid dreams, the antipsychotics actually help him sleep through the night.

Drinking on his medications enhances their side effects. The ones that become more of a problem for him are the dizziness and drowsiness. When he passes out drinking, he's basically dead to the world. Almost nothing can wake him up and he can be out for a while.

Weed doesn't mess with his medication as much. It does hinder the effects of the anti-anxiety, but for the most part, he tends to mellow out and feel more numb to anything when he's high. This is why ever since the incident at Blackwood Mountain, after he's gotten back on his meds, he takes to weed more freely.

When he's not on his meds... We saw the full blown breakdown of Josh in the game. He sees and hears things that aren't there. The logical side of his mind is broken, making it difficult or impossible for him to understand consequences and morals. It doesn't happen all at once, though. The issues start out slow and small, then build. The first sign of him not taking his medication will be insomnia. He'll only be able to sleep a couple of hours a night, if that. Then he'll start hearing things. After the twins disappeared, his most notable hallucinations are of them. 」

[marshmallowprotection]

MC waking up early from the gas is interesting to try to figure out but I also find it funny because I, personally, can potentially justify it for myself. Maybe I don't have Saeran's tolerance for the elixir but I was pumped full of so much shit during chemo, including being sedated every couple weeks for spinal taps (and not even with gas, they did a syringe right into my central line). I wouldn't be surprised if I've built up some kind of tolerance, even if I've been off it all for a while. Medical nonsense coming through for once ✌️

You know, it definitely is possible that you could have a tolerance to it. It definitely isn't unheard of for people to have a hard time with anesthesia after going under so many times but there hasn't been a lot of study into that. With your added experiences, I dare say you might have a reasonable explanation of why you wake up on time.

I wouldn't have that even though I've been under a few times myself in the past for health reasons. I just know I would be knocked unconscious for a lot longer than the rest of them and it would trigger a bad ending. I have insomnia, and I might actually thank Rika for the experience if I wake up refreshed for once in my life. She should have gone into medicine instead of making a cult.

[skinnylorde]

SUGAR Awareness

Food is a natural reward. Sugary stimulates your brain's reward system causing you to consume more of that food. Studies have found that sugar does trigger the release of dopamine found in the region of the brain that's associated with the reaction to addictive drugs. Sugar causes the release of dopamine and the release of endogenous opioids in the brain from sugar can also result in a surge and subsequent cravings. This is why we find it hard to come back after binging on sugary foods. Regular sugar consumption changes your brain, making it more tolerant to it and requiring more of it to have the same impact. It has been shown to lead to a higher chance of being diabetic and overweight. So, if you consume a lot of added sugar in your diet, cutting back would be great for your overall health.

It may have some unpleasant side effects such as anxiety, depressed mood, insane cravings (like with addictive drugs), difficulty concentrating, insomnia, nausea, fatigue, headaches, lightheadedness/dizziness etc.

Some people find it too difficult to quit sugar so having 6 (24 grams) teaspoons a day for females and 9 (36 grams) will help as it is the daily recommended amount. Cutting back on sugar slowly helps to limit these symptoms while ensuring it stays long-term.

Here are some tips for cutting back on sugar slowly

Limit sodas and fruit juices consumed one cup at a time.

Starting your day with low sugar can help you cut a few grams back.

Be realistic. Are you really hungry or is it just your bad habit kicking in?

For desserts have some yoghurt, macadamia nuts, fruits, low/zero sugar desserts could also help you cut it out slowly

Be patient, your health is a journey not a race. Going cold turkey isn't always the best option. You decide.

[britt-writes]

Hey! I'm alive.

Hey there! It's been... a little over a year? Jeez.

I really wanted to make this post to reassure everyone that I am okay. There have been a few people coming to me in my inbox with concern, which I appreciate very much. I do feel bad for not answering any if them when they came, but it is what it is.

I did mention taking a mental health break since I was on the verge of a burnout. Not only was I running a small home business, I was also working outside of home and a student. I still work two jobs, but I've since graduated. Truthfully, I did get into other fandoms as well, so I wrote a bit here and there for other media. I do like variety; it's essential for me to have fun with writing as a hobby. Though that doesn't mean that I've fallen out of love with the RE fandom. Not at all! Lucas still ranks in my top 10 simping targets haha.

A thing happened, however, and it made my mental health spiral into an abyss.

I quit the job that I loved so much because of a dirtbag manager. The owner decided to switch up the managers of my department, and things were fine until he started sexually harassing myself and my two other female coworkers/friends, as well as using intimidation tactics on us to get his way.

He would grope us and tell us that if we didn't want to get groped, we just had to watch how we bent over. He would say gross sexual things to us, and he would push his kinks on us. We had also found out that he had sent unsolicited dick pics in the past to a female employee, and these types of complaints against him were common in the last as well.

We ended up confronting hin in front of a supervisor, and while we thought that they had suspended him, they didn't. He was on mental health break because we had made him depressed. So, we ended up being painted as the bad guys. Nobody would concretely tell us that he was coming back until the very last minute, and the owner had said behind our backs that we needed to get over it, that we were exaggerating and that we had no say in the matter. We complained to everyone possible, and all superiors were well aware of this dirtbag's behavior — past and present — and still protected him.

Quitting a job I loved hurt, and everything that went down with him triggered some past experiences that I had with an abusive ex-boyfriend, so it just added salt to the wound.

I don't like going to that store anymore. I don't want to support a place that seems to think that it's okay for sexual harassment to fly. But I need to go sometimes for emergency specialty supplies that I can't wait for shipping or can't make it to a further store. When I need to go and he's there, I have to fight panic attacks and can't go without someone accompanying me. The dirtbag won't look me in the eye when He sees me and walks away.

I've slowly been getting better. Fighting depression and insomnia has been difficult, but I've been slowly finding the fun in my hobbies that I lost when I deteriorated. Video games, writing, reading, etc.

In fact, I've been having fun making OC bios and writing backstories and personalities. I find that it's a good exercise to get the creative juices flowing while helping me get back into writing without being too overwhelmed.

So, that's the gyst. I'm okay. I'm better. I can't promise that I'll pop up an RE headcanon soon, but I hope to!

Thanks for the concern and reading through this! Much love. ♡

~ Britt

[writingformeandyou]

An Amic Recap

The smile that came to my sleepy ass face when Mod Vic posted, tho. I was extremely happy to see Vic pop in for a moment and decided that I should probably provide a recap of life as well. It’s got its highs and lows, but I just want people to know that they cannot gloss over things like abuse and mental health.

Quick TL;DR: College student that does not know what sleep is somehow is doing decent. Also, mental health is a thing and abuse from parents should not be excused. 

Quick P.S: I  am realizing that the stuff I have written for the abuse might be triggering so the paragraphs following 2022 before going into 2022-2023 is the worst of it as that’s what goes over me being disowned. 

So, let’s start from 2020. The year of chaotic madness and me graduating and going to college. This year was rough, I had really bad point of views that I should not have had provided my my Trump cultist parents. I honestly did think that Covid was the “Chinese flu” and that span of thought didn’t undo itself until I got into college. I was just generally a really upset kid stuck around the wrong people 24/7 that was sad that I’d miss out on my senior experiences. 

Heading into college I felt sick as hell. I had doubts and the whole way I was teased about how I legit seemed on the brink of throwing up. I didn’t think I could do it. My whole high school experience was being compared to my younger sibling and being a C and D student. I was terrified... but then again I knew I had to do it. This was probably the only way I could get away from my parents and their year long groundings, physical punishments, thievery, etc. that final semester of high school was my best with me having my first AB streak since my elementary experience. 

Finally came college, I was very reclusive that first year; a habit formed by living with my parents during covid. I did occasionally go out but as soon as my roommate went to move in with her roommate of choice it was just me and finally I could hide. Finally, I could breathe. I was developing such terrible insomnia at this time and had to start taking melatonin supplements to keep my crap together. Also, I finally brought my PS4 with me, and FFXV became a very grounding game as can be expected. And, seemingly terribly my academic advisor starts a discussion about how I might have ADHD. I felt such terrible shame thinking that I could be one of those kids and avoided it. 

Somehow, I survived the 2020-2021 school year and continued on from there.

2021-2022 my parents start getting weird. I stopped going to church years ago after seeing the harm that Christians do to people and start acknowledging my religious status as Agnostic. They start telling me to go to church, that the rough church going experiences I had in the past isn’t an everywhere thing but I simply respond that there’s some things in the bible that I just am not in agreement with and it’s for the best that I don’t go to a religious group setting. Also, I added that evolution would have to be pried from my cold, dead hands because that has been a topic of interest ever since elementary and I basically got jumped at church as a young teen for saying that I thought god triggered evolution. 

Throughout the year I am questioned when I will get married though at the oldest I am 21. I’ve officially come to the conclusion that I will not marry until I am out of college and other things are coming to mind. For example, I have finally accepted that I am bi. It was a relief when that clicked completely and when I finally accepted that I couldn’t just be that good Christian girl anymore. I came out to my parents simply as they were teasing me about a woman from a movie and how I must think that she is hot. It is likely that the teasing came because my adult younger brother ran away shortly after my graduation so they missed being able to tease in this way. They laughed at me but I was really happy, I thought that this was a win and honestly I didn’t want any assurances that I was ok. I thought that they loved me after all. 

This summer, I started a job at a place I grew up going to. Things start getting really weird. My parents try to hook me up with their friends (the youngest of which being 25) and I start getting chewed out for my dad having to see me in “lewd” ways by me wearing the occasional tank top or leggings because I started to occasionally work out. I muted my stepmother because, more often than not I’d be harassed by cussing text messages that I’d rather not revisit. At this point, I have broken down at work multiple times, and my coworkers start becoming extremely concerned for me. My boss pulls me to the side one day and tells me that while I have room to grow she has seen that I am a capable woman and that I need to do whatever I can to survive the summer. She also brings up a discussion about parentification because I was always on standby with my phone for my kid sisters. Also, since I felt safe with her I brought up a discussion about me potentially having ADHD and she pointed out that girls and women present differently and that from what she has seen she thinks I could fit the mold as well.

2022, the school year is on the brink of coming along and I have an ominous feeling. Two days before move in I had a nightmare with zombies and a lot of loss. It seems like it’s something so little but having dreams like that back in high school for me usually meant a hell of a time was to come and that I need to prepare for some literal emotional damage. This time though, I ignored it cause it had been so long since the last one that I had to just be dreaming.

One day before move in, I make a life changing choice. I got in contact with my younger brother that ran away and offered to give him our Xbox 360 that was gifted to us specifically by a relative. I didn’t have the space and recently got the most recent Xbox. I then take it to a friend of his and head home to see my parents. A lot of this I’ve blocked out but they accused me of stealing from them, started saying nasty things about me being bi, and even equated me to a pedophile. They sent me out, telling me to not come back until I had the damn console back and threatened to call the police.

This was the most scared that I ever was. My father was never that aggressive to me and my kid sisters were horrified. I knew that I had to contact someone to save my ass quick and called a guy friend from college (specifically my college roomie’s bf) so he started rushing to pick me up asap. I got the console and then threatening messages came. I called my previous academic advisor, terrified and confused about what to do cause my friend would have been another 30 minutes. She talked me through the whole thing as I spoke terrified and sob broken words. What she said next was get a friend from town to save me so I wracked my mind and immediately messaged a friend that I now consider to be a dear sister. At the time she wasn’t 100% a friend but we could talk cause she was the sister of a friend but that friend was out of state for college. She told me to head home because of the threats and that she’d be there soon. So I did, I went to that hellscape.

I was numb as all of the yelling happened. As he threw stuff and accused me of stealing more from him. I didn’t even get everything of mine, but at least I got the most important stuff. I didn’t cry, all I really did was say “uh huh” or “ok.” Now I know from my counselor that this was a trauma response. I remember hearing him yell something about my friend being there, he was probably pissed that I took steps to make sure I wouldn’t just be kicked out or on the brink of being murdered without a witness.

I remember they yelled at each other. He accused her of making me a gay degenerate, etc. but I couldn’t help but to internally laugh because she’s a Catholic that goes to church every week. She’s one of the few religious people that I’ve met that does not immediately hate or ostracize those who are different. He threw my boxes of stuff, damaging one and making all of my books spill onto the lawn in the process. I wonder if the neighbors that already disliked him disliked him more after that day because I was the one member of the family that talked to the “enemies.”

Things zoom by from there. I was terribly sick and couldn’t stomach the ice cream I was given, I got a hug from my now adoptive parents, hugged my now sister, and hugged my college friend before he took me home to my dorm. That night was too damn quiet. I couldn’t stay in my room alone and went to the basement lounge with my Xbox and played Stardew Valley. I remember being terribly annoyed when some drunks came around and watched while making loud and bothersome comments, but with time their presence brought me repose. Eventually they left, and one of my best friends from home, a guy that my parents desperately hoped I would get with, messaged me and we talked for hours as he assured me that I had a place with him and his family if need be.

Before anyone asks, no I did not date him. We dated back in junior high and HS for a time but stopped both times. We both have agreed that we are siblings by heart so dating just feels odd. I think that is one thing that angered them, that I could feel so safe with a man who was not going to become a significant other or something. 

Finally, 2022-2023. Things were hit or miss for a while and I remember people watching me closely and asking if I felt any urge to self harm. No, I did not. I’d come too damn far to let those feckers ruin it all for me so I wouldn’t. I just immersed myself in college more. One day though, I remember seeing a car that looked like my stepmom’s driving in front of the dorm as I was walking with my girls to the car. My knees fell out from under me and I became a blubbering and crying mess with the thought of “I am in danger. They’ve finally come for me.” I remember my two friends clinging onto me, telling me that I was ok and that it wasn’t them. Good news is we had preexisting plans to go out to get me comfort food so perfect timing I guess.

Every week I met with my current academic advisor, making game plans and figuring things out. Eventually, I even found myself kinda enjoying the poetry class that I thought I’d hate because I could use it to vent my frustrations. With time it was almost time to leave for winter break and I was praised by my advisor and told by him that he didn’t think that he would know anyone ever again who could face such adversity and still take on a double major, a minor, and other college related things with a job. Around this point I was also asked by a friend about what I would do about my surname since it is my father’s and I don’t plan to marry anytime soon so I responded honestly, “I am stealing it and making something out of it.” 

Cue winter and I visit the UK for study abroad. By this time I have 100% concluded that I will never extend the olive branch to my father or stepmother. To hell with them! Whenever my brother would do so they would complain about him and joke at his expense, I know my position in things. I am not playing their games. Also, at this point I am reembracing liking fandoms and other stuff like that because I had a mental block to all of those things for a while due to my parents belittling me and telling me that as an adult I shouldn’t like them. 

Now I am 22 years old. I am nearing the end of my junior year of college and am amazed that I have made it this far. Back in junior high I swore that I would drop out of high school and yet here I am even when my parents tried their damnedest to get me to drop out. I have family and I am loved by many and have learned that a long time ago I lost my family member status. I am now learning what it is like to be a true family member and am honestly finally happy though there are hard days. 

I have been praised for the start to my history senior project and have been told that there is a chance that I could possibly publish my findings. I have my fingers crossed because imagine the family disappointment publishing something. Damn, I’d leave a copy at those feckers’ house! 

So yeah, chaos over the years. I have hope for the future no matter how scary it seems. I have not gotten the ADHD diagnosis yet cause I am terrible about going to the doctor and in general have found a way to make this weird spaghetti coding in my brain work with being a student, finally. A small part of me wishes I could brag about my successes to those problematic people, but I just know they’ll take the credit for making me finally grow up by kicking me out and disowning me. Nope, they aren’t getting that credit because I am the one who learned how to function while they tried to steal my ability to do so. They should have noticed that year long groundings in high school weren’t really that efficient in anything but giving me the chance to learn how to be sneaky.

Anyways, that’s about it. Now that I am healing from them and the things that they have told me I might have to consider writing again. I cannot and will not make promises though because I’ve done that many times and it’s just mean to offer something and not provide. Also, I’ve been playing FFXV: War for Eos on my phone so if you’d like to play join me and my guild (Bros) Choco Bros. I am not the leader but we’d be happy to have more people who love FFXV. 

Also, a final thing since I am amused by this. I started watching Trigun and um... I think I have a type. 

[lastoneout]

Talking bout my chronic insomnia and TMI health/period stuff below, don't mind me.

In the interest of not accidentally getting too dependant on weed, and given that I have been going to therapy and making a lot of progress with my trauma, I decided tonight to try to sleep without my usual THC gummy and went instead with these CBD + CBN ones to see how I'd sleep and uh wow yeah I immediately could not sleep at all, and when I finally did fall asleep from sheer exhaustion I had a horrifyingly bad nightmare, so I guess that didn't work.

Tbh tho I am on my period rn and I usually have trouble sleeping when I'm on it cuz of the cramps + the awful gross feeling of having blood like, yeah know all over between my legs, so I might go back to the regular weed gummies until it's over and then maybe try the non-THC gummy + some melatonin once I'm feeling better, but I am not optimistic about the results.

Also I am also on a small course of steroids rn to help with this weird horrible allergic reaction to like, literally nothing?? I'm having rn and it's entirely possible those are fucking with me too, cuz they have made me feel Weird before and I was very restless and unbearably hot all night which doesn't usually happen. (Although my period does also usually make me feel hotter than usual, hormones are fun.)

And also also insomnia(and my period) are my migraine triggers so like, yeah don't wanna give myself another one of those and end up in the fuckin' ER again. Probably just gonna take my rescue med as soon as I eat just to head it off cuz yeah there's a 90% chance I get one soon and I'd really Rather Not, and then to make sure it doesn't come back I'll make sure to do my best to get lots of sleep tonight.

And if this keeps up once I get my current bowel + vague uterus problems sorted I think I'm gonna 1) see a sleep specialist, and 2) ask if I can adjust my birth control so I just don't have my period cuz tbh between the cramps and hot feeling and PMS giving me nausea and shit I think it's in my best interest to just not do this at all rn.

[wilt3d-r0zes]

Fic Name (and link): Paranoia Sucks Balls Series: Teen Wolf Characters: Stiles Stilinski, Kira Yukimora (kinda) Pairings: N/A Trigger Warnings: Paranoia, thinking someone is in your house waiting to kill you Important Tags: N/A

Summary: He cursed himself for a lot of things, in the next five minutes. For moving his desk so it wasn’t up against the wall, for playing a horror game so late at night, for staying up when he can’t get anybody to protect him, for turning the lights off at all.

Or, I had a really bad paranoia bout last night, and wrote this as a result just now.

Paranoia is not a new thing for Stiles. He’s had moments of indescribable levels of paranoia since his mother started getting sick, started loudly shouting about all the horrible things that were out to get them. It used to be a lot worse, as most things regarding his mental health did. For the years following Claudia’s death, he and his dad were both in terrible places.

Stiles found himself locked in a closet or the bathroom several times, back pressed against a corner and eyes unable to move away from the door lest he drag himself into a panic attack because he couldn’t get the feeling, that horrible, bone chilling feeling of being watched, being followed, off.

It tapered off for the most part, didn’t seem to return even when supernatural happenings began. Never to that degree and never without reason, at least. Until now.

Another thing that isn’t new to him is staying up late, more often than not he’d stay up researching or aimlessly trying to entertain himself in a bout of insomnia. The clock was nearing toward five in the morning and he was playing some cheap horror flash game on his phone with the lights off.

It just seemed smart, when he stared into the disconcerting darkness of his room, to turn them back on. At least, to flick his lamp on so he could see something. Curses of being human and unable to use nightvision for anything.

The cheap light with rips in the lampshade flickered on, crackling for just a moment in a sign that meant it was going to go soon. His bedroom bathed in warm light, and for a moment just a moment Stiles swears he sees a face disappear around his desk. He stills, staring like something would pop out at him.

Nothing does.

(He cursed himself for a lot of things, in the next five minutes. For moving his desk so it wasn’t up against the wall, for playing a horror game so late at night, for staying up when he can’t get anybody to protect him, for turning the lights off at all.)

Logically, he knew nothing was there. Something couldn’t even realistically hide in that spot without him seeing it. He wanted to listen for breathing, just to be safe, but beyond the heatwave California was going through he didn’t want to leave the willful obliviousness of having a fan turned on full power covering that potential sound.

So he stared.

Paranoia and anxiety grew in warring pillars, tightening his chest and trying to bring tears to his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to call someone, anyone, to give him support in making sure nothing was there. Just so he could move, look around the edge of his desk and under his bed, and out into the hallway.

(Do you know how many stories there are of people hiding under beds, laying in wait with a knife to kill the inhabitants? Because he could think of at like three, and he doesn’t even research regular killings.)

But nobody he could think of would be awake. At best, Kira or Malia might have been awake a couple of hours prior, but likely aren’t anymore. Even Malia gave into her sleep before this late, and she used to be nocturnal.

Still, he grabbed his phone. Screw wasting his minutes, he felt absolutely paralyzed with the fear that something was there and he didn’t have it in him to sit and stare at the corner for the next several hours until school started or his dad came to wake him up.

(And wouldn’t that be pathetic?)

u up? he sent to Scott, knowing that the star player and attempted health nut would by zero means be awake but feeling safest in his best friend regardless. Then he sent the same thing to Malia, then Lydia, and when none of them responded and he found himself staring at that spot again, he sent it to Kira.

What’s up? he got in response maybe five minutes later of trying not to have a panic attack. He flinched violently at the vibration on his desk, wanting to loudly shush it as if the potential someone in his room didn’t already know he knew they were there.

what r u doin? he replied after several deleted responses. No need to seem desperate, he barely knew Kira. At least if Allison were still alive (fucK) then he could’ve texted her, she always pitied him enough for things like that.

Playing with my lightbulb.

eufanism?

Euphemism*? No.

o lol

Why are you awake?

ah. demons in my room

What??

not litrally

That doesn’t explain anything?

just paranoid thought i saw a face

Oh.

how r u

Bored. Thankfully not haunted by demons.

cringe

Kitsune powers are annoying.

sounds btr than none

Sorry.

joking dw y r they anoying

Controlling the output is hard. I’m trying not to explode this light bulb, but if I get too close it starts to regardless.

o sounds anoying

Yeah.

hav u tried imaginin ur made of wires

…What?

imagin ur powers work like a cord/phone so theirs lim output 2 certain things & spreds thruout the phone

Your spelling is atrocious. But I will try.

cool. im gonna keep tryin 2 find some1 2 call so i can look 4 demons

RIP. I would if I could, but my parents would hear me.

ya ik. itd b weird anyway bc i barley know u

Yeah… Sorry. I’m going to test that theory, good luck with your demons.

thx

5:58am. He sighed and clicked the power button, before tossing his phone to the side. That didn’t help. If anything, he might’ve felt worse afterward, aware that nobody was going to help. He knew his best option was to just get out of his room, go sleep in the living room for the night. The problem was, regardless of any weapons he might have head within reach, he was still paralyzed with the fear that something is there.

His hands fumbled at the side of his bed, trying to grab the bat nestled between the nightstand without getting his hand near the underside of it anything. What if someone was down there? Waiting for him to put his hands of feet within reach.

The bat clattered loudly against the metal bedframe, but he successfully got it up and held like the weapon it was. He grabbed his pillow, tucking it under his arm, and then looking down at the floor with a glare, “If anything reaches out and grabs my feet when I get up, I will beat you to death with this bat,” he announced. Again, likely there was nothing there, but if there was maybe that would deter it. If nothing else, it made him feel better.

Carefully, oh so carefully, he stood on the edge of his bed frame to leap off of, in theory out of reach. The only place left was making sure nothing was behind the desk, and then getting the hell out of his room and into the living room. No easy feat, because he couldn’t help but feel like something was going to crawl out from under the bed while he wasn’t looking.

Nothing was behind the desk. He took his time getting out of the room, constantly looking back to make sure nothing was there. The hallway posed a new threat, and he refused to shut the door for fear the he would have to open it the next morning and something would be there, but there are cracked doors and closets in the hallway. Not to mention, the only light was a cheap plastic nightlight that his dad put by the bathroom five years ago when Stiles would have panic attacks in the dark.

The hallway creaked under his feet the entire walk to the living room, something that reminded him so aggressively that his dad was asleep and he was walking around the house clutching a pillow like it would save his life and holding a baseball bat in preparation to hit something at five in the morning.

He must look absolutely nuts.

The first floor was no less terrifying, but once he managed to get on the couch with his back against a wall and eyes on all entrances or exits, he relaxes. Even if his eyes lingered on the bottom of the stairs, or flickered between all the closed curtains and doors, he managed to get at least a couple hours of sleep before his dad woke him up with poorly concealed concern and told him to get ready for school.

[of-another-broken-heart]

I still hate this new editor.

I hate how fucking tiny the text window is. I hate the near-infinite empty space all around it.

I hate the intrusive, long icon list that shows up every time I hit Return.

Why not add it as a static element to the editor window? After hacking it down to this pitiful 300x300 size, surely, SURELY you could afford to toss a little 40 pixel banner along the bottom with those options? Surely???

Knee-jerk repeat complaints aside, I am here to document some further tragedy that is my life.

I got harassed and had my anxiety put into overdrive over the weekend by an insurance representative. Health insurance. Supposedly from the "retention" department. She kept calling and leaving voicemails. I managed to pick up a single call, which interrupted something I was actively doing, so I managed to get her to schedule me an appointment. She would call for it.

She didn't.

I spent the whole rest of that day - Friday - calling back. Being sent to her voicemail. Over. And over. And over. And over. Every fucking call. Straight to voicemail.

Obviously there was nothing over the weekend. Clearly. Obviously.

Monday came. I didn't get a call, but I did get another voicemail. Sorry, she said, for being "a little late." I returned the call. Again. Voicemail. Again.

I called the insurance main line. I tricked the automated maze sphinx with an answer - I'm calling to renew! The automated maze sphinx connected me with an actual representative. She pulled up my account.

I am not up for renewal (recertification). I am good until September of 2024.

I was relieved. I was livid.

I called the "retention" agent. Again. Voicemail. Again. I let her know that I took care of it. That I called the main line, and she could cease harassing me, as my coverage was good for an entire fucking year.

She hasn't left me any more voicemails.

But that was a 4-day long anxiety episode. Preceded, of course, by several other days of anticipatory anxiety. And insomnia.

Between the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion, AND the weather, I had a (new!) chronic pain flare, too. No, I don't suddenly have fibro or anything like that. It's that pesky knee, so susceptible to my bad luck, and gravity. I had to use Nana's cane to get around for a while after finally finishing all my anxiety phone calls on Monday.

As it turns out, such an experience triggers my MECFS PEM, too. Unsurprisingly. I have been completely drained. Struggling to have enough energy to get myself to the bathroom, stay hydrated, eat much of anything. I lost most of Tuesday to it. Wednesday is gone and all I can really tell you is that I "woke up" at 7:30 PM and have somehow vacantly remained some detached form of conscious for 10 hours.

Ah, right. It was more anxiety. See, Tuesday also brought me, what I can only figure is, a combination trauma episode and autistic meltdown. Combined with exhaustion, and PEM, and anxiety, and frustration, and And people got to witness it! Which, of course, leads to more anxiety. And blame. Justice Sensitivity, and Rejection Sensitivity? Oh, baby, the charts are spanning to whole other universes, those bars are so big they're extra-planar. That all got cranked into hyperdrive late Wednesday. THAT is how I vacantly remained some detached form of conscious. I was dissociating!

I cried today. I cry most days. Why did I cry?

I'm still in love with someone who hasn't even said so much as "hi" to me in a full year. Hate myself for that. Wish I wasn't a broken fucked up goddamn idiot, huh. Wouldn't that be nice.

I remembered my dad. He's not dead. I just might not ever see him again. I remembered being little, and his enthusiasm and fun spirit, and his laugh, and falling asleep on his chest as a child after he returned from fishing trips, and the time he got us all shushed in a movie theater when he and mom split, and the first time I ever saw him truly cry in pain (I can't remember what the injury was any more - it was either when he cut his knee open, or when he gave himself blood poisoning while cleaning a shark jaw that came up in some nets).

I miss cooking. I miss baking. I miss having friends both willing and able to see me. I miss board games and swimming in pools and laughing while trying to barbecue in the rain. I miss feeling liked and wanted.

So I cry.

These aren't even unique days. This is just life now. This is what I was made for, I guess. To be broken and used and thrown away and forgotten, and always, ALWAYS blamed for ever, EVER suggesting otherwise, and especially so for daring to stand up for myself.