#so if anyone wants to share what has helped them so far it would bw genuinely amazing

[asuddencold]

What is it like recovering witch avpd /genq? we have avPD (along with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and a whole mess of other stuff) but we're curious what its like

I'm not gonna lie, it's extremely tough.

I have a bunch of other stuff as well, so, before i could even do anything about avpd, i had to be chemically stable (get the right meds without abusing any substances (unfair)), stabilise the conditions caused by other disorders i have, find a psych i trust and can work with, and start sharing with them.

For me, what has helped the most so far is going by Actions over Thoughts when a situation triggers my avoidant tendencies. For example:

Situation: My girlfriend expresses that something i do in our relationship makes her feel bad

Thoughts:

I have made a mistake

I am an imperfect partner

I am a terrible person

Because she dislikes one thing i did means the entirety of me is rotten, my mistakes are unforgivable, and she's not blind, she will see that if she doesn't already, and she will judge me for it, reject who i am, and i would rather tear my eyes out than live through that therefore

I need to leave now, i can't ever be with her again, we should break up, this was a mistake, if i try and explain myself and why i did the thing i did wrong she will either dismiss it or hate me more for it, so i should shut the fuck up, never open my mouth again, never try to have an interpersonal relationship again, i am destined to ruin everything and should actually fucking die

Actions: Don't do ANYTHING i though about doing. It doesn't help me. And it doesn't help my partner. Instead, do the opposite. If the rot inside me thinks i should burn that bridge, it means that the healthy thing is to build it up. And so

I apologise to my partner

I explain myself and open up specifically to the point where i'm slightly out of my comfort zone. Will i tell her that the thing i did to make her feel bad is probably something i thought up in order to manage to be with people for more than a second without craving the sweet embrace of death? No. But i'll tell her that i'm not great with people, that it's hard to manage these new relationships and connections that i have and thus i make mistakes.

I try to strengthen our connection. By opening up, by hearing her side of things, by being understanding and kind, by de-escalating the situation (not that it needs much de-escalating. she's an angel who couldn't be hostile of she tried. but you know how avpd is). And, after that's passed, by doing things to soothe the both of us, like watching a movie or playing a game together, or cuddling, insted of withdrawing

And i keep moving forward. Keep trying.

What i tried to explain above is obviously an "advanced level" scenario. When i first started recovering, i wouldn't dream of having a partner or friends that i would actually be able to keep instead of running away, especially while sober. But everything is a continuous process of moving one foot in front of the other and getting up when you trip and fall. Sometimes it feels like you never do anything you want. You go against your own wishes so much that it can feel awful at the moment, but the rewards are the most amazing thing you've ever felt

Anon, i hope i hope that my answer helped you even a little, and that you manage to find peace one day and work towards recovering too. If there is anything i could help you with or if you just need someone to commiserate, you can send me a message anytime. I'd be happy to answer !

[kotekie]

Colress and redemption

A ramble by me here we mc go.

Key point that needs to be made really clear.

I am not talking about whether colress deserves to be redeemed. That is a different topic and I'm just focusing on how I find a colress redemption arc to be so gosh darn fascinating.

Secondly, this is focusing upon game Colress. Anime and manga not included.

Thirdly, I have not completed bw2 or sun and moon but I did do my best to research everything and I reread all his dialogue on bulbapedia before doing this ramble.

All clear? Okay let's go.

In my honest opinion Colress is an absolutely fascinating character to have a redemption arc and honestly skipping over it I find to be a crime.

Colress is a grey character. That's kinda his whole deal but let's be honest his shade of grey... is a bit darker considering bw2 events. Then again it is... difficult to write a purely grey character. Overall. He is a grey character.

He's not the typical character you would want to see a redemption arc for. Typically those types of characters have some kind of tragic element, I.e good character turned bad due to traumatic event. Usually they have someone to pull them back or try to help them become better.

Colress has no one.

The closest bond Colress has to anyone is Ghetsis and I'll get to him later.

Sure Colress works with people but he never really has any friends. Nor any family from what we see.

He is alone.

This is important because Colress is very influenced by certain people. Mainly, people whom he holds some kind of respect for.

No more is this evident then in Bw2. It's by his interactions with Ghetsis the plasma frigate incident happens. It's by his interactions with the bw2 protagonist that he starts to change and eventually disbands team plasma.

We even see the influence of the bw2 protagonist in alola. He referers to 'that trainer he once met' and he mentions that its bonds between humans and pokemon that draws out the full power between humans and pokemon as he had learnt in BW2. Yet even in Alola he is still doing pokemon fusion. Which is. Well. Not the best thing to put simply. Which, is a remnant of Ghetsis's influence.

Speaking of which.

I am not suggesting Colress and Ghetsis are friends. At all. What I am saying... is that Ghetsis is likely the closest thing Colress had to a friend.

I am not going to debate whether or not he actually despises Ghetsis but I will say that he does somewhat care for him. This comes from his line in ultra sun and moon where after yeeting RR Ghetsis back into his world he says "I can only hope that the taste of defeat will keep that Ghetsis out of trouble in his world" which if you think about it... That is a very odd thing to say about someone like Ghetsis unless on some level you care about them.

That's something sad I found about Colress. In game Ghetsis is probably the closest thing he has to a friend. Perhaps maybe the bw2 protag but it never seems to evolve into a friendship or develop to a deeper level then the one he has with Ghetsis and I'll explain why I think so later.

You could argue he cares about the ultra sumo protags and lillie but I would like to bring up the possibility that he only cares about them because they would be useful for his research. After all the protags can use z moves and gets a legendary. That would be useful to his research.

All in all... I think this leads to a key component about Colress. He doesn't understand bonds between people and pokemon beyond a very basic level. It's limited. No more is this clear then in his research.

He focuses in on power.

He says his theme of research is to draw out the true 'potential' in pokemon. Yet often he talks about drawing out a pokemons power.

You could argue that Colress is actually seeking to draw out the full power of pokemon not potential. I would like to bring up the possibility that he does mean potential but to him potential = power.

He has a narrow view on what potential means. Just like he has a narrow view on relationships.

He fails to see that a pokemons potential is not just power but the ability to change, grow, help others and so on.

With relationships, he thinks it about mutual trust. Trust is important but it's the groundwork. Work colleagues trust each other. Friendships go a bit beyond trust. Its loyalty, understanding and comfort, dedication and being able to be vulnerable around each other.

This also makes his bond between Ghetsis to me is quite sad.

We know that Colress prioritises his research above everything. It's kinda his whole thing. He works with people who will provide him with what he needs with his research.

Yet. He still Hope's that rr ghetsis doesn't get in trouble in his own world. A ghetsis that would provide no benefit to him yet he still doesn't want him to get into trouble. Colress cares about Ghetsis.

But as we know, Ghetsis is a manipulator and doesn't care about anyone but himself.

We know that Colress is influenced by the people he respects. Is it that far fetched that his warped views on pokemon potential and relationships came from his bond with Ghetsis? After all we do that Ghetsis's influence is still prevalent is sumo considering he willingly made a device for poke fusion. Again.

This is why I don't think he formed a friendship with the bw2 protag. If he did I don't think his views would be so narrow.

We see the potential. In bw2 he says when the player rebattles Colress that he is uncertain of where to go next but when he battles the protagonist the future seems clearer. If they had become friends he would have become better. He has the potential to become redeemed.

This is why I find the idea Colress having a redemption arc so fascinating. He has the potential to do so and surprisingly it easy.

He can become better. He just needs a better influence.

Yes I am saying the power of friendship can turn Colress its cheesy but there ya go.

I very much love the idea of a character learning to be good via the bonds they share with other people. Plus Colress's transformation wouldn't be quick it would be slow and take time. It's small acts that build up to make a massive change and personally I would love to read it tlajkssn.

But um ye.

Dats pretty much it.

Bonus: (abuse mention below)

I don't think Ghetsis abused Colress. Ghetsis is a tactical man. I agree he did likely abuse N but he would have done it in a way to brainwash N into thinking what he wanted him to think.

Ghetsis needs Colress's loyalty and it's really quite simple on how to do it. Fund his research.

However I do think that Ghetsis may want revenge. Colress is no longer useful so it's pretty much up in the air what he may do to him.

Also, Colress has never met N. N is the exact person Colress would want helping him in his research and Ghetsis would have known this. Having the two interact could prove disastrous to his plans as Colress would have told him that humans and pokemon can get along and N would've helped Colress in his research far more then Ghetsis ever could.

Also post bw N would have been the positive influence Colress would have needed to become redeemed just saying.

Sequel post:

Update post for story based on my analysis:

Edit: hey this is Koteki from the future just adding to a link to an analysis that helped fuel my own- I recommend you have a read through it cause it's very good. In these analysis I tried to keep it to my own thoughts but it was inspired by this analysis so here-

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13321335?view_adult=true

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. List 5 things you want to do before the year ends. I’d love to just be able to go to the beach and relax, but that won’t happen. That was the only place I could feel relaxed. Beaches have reopened, but the hours are limited and you can’t just sit/lay there like you used to be able to. You can only walk around. And anyway, the fact we’re still very much in the thick of this whole thing I don’t feel safe or comfortable going places yet or being around people. I wouldn’t feel relaxed at all. 

2. What color are your pants? I’m wearing black leggings.

3. Favorite motivational quote. Meh.

4. When was the last time you drank coffee? I’m drinking a Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink, which as the can says is a “energy coffee beverage.”

5. What was the last thing you ate?   Ramen.

6. Favorite animal. Giraffes! <<< Aww, saaaame. And doggos. (:

7. Favorite song. I couldn’t just choose one favorite.

8. Last movie you watched? I’m completely blanking at the moment in regards to the last movie, but I’ve binged a lot of a couple shows on Netflix recently. 

9. Any turn ons? Nice smelling cologne. 

10. Any turn offs? Cockiness and arrogance.

11. List 4 big words off of the top of your head. Claustrophobia, arachnophobia, agoraphobia, tryphophobia.  

12. What are some meaningful movies?   Hmm.

13. 2 most important people in your life right now? God and my family. Yep, I’m grouping my family cause I couldn’t just choose 2.

14. What are 3 things you want to do before the month ends? Let’s be real- I won’t be doing anything.

15. When was the last time you read a good book? I’m almost done with one called, “Never Walk Alone” by Willow Rose.

16. How long do you study for usually, if you study? I spend about 20 minutes to an hour when doing my Bible studies. 

17. Do you have any nicknames? Just Steph and Sis.

18. Favorite kind of perfume? (fruity, alluring, etc.) I like certain fruity and sweet ones, ones with patchouli, and beachy and autumnal scents from B&BW.

19. Do you have any international friends / friends who live out of state? Those of us in this survey community live all over. 

20. What is something unique that you do every single day? Probably that I have a bowl of ramen of every night.

21. If there was a movie based on your life, what would it be called? A series of unfortunate events <– Pretty damn accurate. Lmao. <<< Lol, I’ve made that joke before, too. I also find it quite fitting for my life.

22. When was the last time you bought a gift for someone? Last month.

23. Are you a shopaholic? I was. My online shopping got out of hand the last few years, too. However, I’ve actually been pretty good this year so far. 

24. What are some songs that always make you feel better? Upbeat and catchy songs help in the moment. Sad, emo, relatable songs can help as well, though. Sometimes just shouting along to “I’m Not Okay” saying, “I’M NOT OKAY, I’M NOT O-FUCKING-KAY!” or something can feel good. ha. Need some good angst.

25. List 3 activities that you can only enjoy by yourself. Surveys, reading, and listening to ASMR.

26. If you could live in any biome (and survive) which biome would you live in? I don’t think I’d last long in any biome.

27. How do you like being roused in the morning? Uh, I don’t.

28. How was your day? What did you do? It’s only about 330 in the morning, but so far it’s been fine. I’ve had my bowl of ramen, scrolled some through Tumblr, watched YouTube videos, and now I’m doing surveys and listening to ASMR.

29. What did your last text message say? I sent my brother a TikTok video that reminded me of our doggo.

30. Do you respond to texts quickly? It depends.

31. Who was the last person you called? My mom.

32. List 5 things that are on your wish list. I don’t knowwww.

33. If you were famous, what do you think you would be famous for? I wouldn’t be famous. I’m not that special or talented. <<< Same. I don’t want to be famous anyway.

34. Winter or summer? Winter, HANDS DOWN.

35. What is a quality that all people should have? Empathy would be great.

36. If you could have a large collection of one item, what would that item be? I already have a large collection of giraffe stuffed animals, books, key chains, and graphic tees. I don’t have room for more.

37. What have you been thinking about lately? My mind is always a jumbled mess with a lot of stuff that is always on my mind from my health, family, and just life in general. But this year has and continues to give me a lot to think about as well.

38. What is the secret to a happy life? Ha, you’re asking the wrong person.

39. What are some phrases you say often? I know I have my many “Stephanieisms”, but I always seem to blank when asked this question.

40. Favorite food? Ramen, scrambled eggs with shredded cheese, spinach, and green onion, Wingstop garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings, spaghetti and meatballs, pasta salads, pesto pasta, deli sandwiches, and baked potatoes.

41. List 3 wishes. I feel like you’ve asked me this in different ways a few times now.

42. What are some of your greatest fears? Losing my loved ones, death, never getting better/getting worse, never doing anything with my life and just wasting away...stuff like that.

43. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Some stuff for the last Bible study I did.

44. Most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen (in real life)? Beautiful beaches and mountainous areas. I went on a gondola last year that took us up over 9,000ft and the views were breathtaking. 

45. Spicy food:Like or dislike? I used to be obSESSED with spicy food, but I haven’t been able to eat it for a few years now due to some health reasons. It sucks. :/

46. Scary movies:Like or dislike? I love ‘em. I used to be a big baby, but I did a complete switch a few years ago.

47. Do you like to travel? Yes.

48. Any regrets? I have a lot of those.

49. Do you like rain? I love the rain.

50. What do you spend most of your money on? It used to be food or clothes, but this year I haven’t been doing a lot of shopping. 

51. Would you rather visit the past or the future? Past.

52. Favorite clothing store? Hot Topic and BoxLunch.

53. What is the best advice you can give to those who are feeling down? I’m always feeling down, so I’m not the one to ask about that either.

54. How often do you think about your future? Does it scare you? The future terrifies me. My mind is more wrapped up in current and past stuff.

55. What angers you the most? Injustice and corruption.  

56. When was the last time you got majorly angry? In my personal life, it’s been awhile since I’ve been angry. I get irritated and frustrated very easily, though.

57. When was the last time you got really sad? Sadness is one of my personality traits.

58. Are you good at lying? I used to be when it came to lying and downplaying about myself like with how I’m doing and really feeling, but my emotions took control. I still downplay and leave things out, but it’s obvious I’m not doing well. 

59. What foreign language would you like to learn? I’d like to be fluent in Spanish. I’ve been wanting to brush up and start practicing again. 

60. How many languages can you speak and what are they? I’m only fluent in English, but I can speak some Spanish.

61. How often do you go to parties? If you don’t, what do you do instead? I stay at home.

62. What books do you plan to read this year? I’ve read several this year and I plan to read several more. 

63. Do you have breakfast every morning? Nope. Very rarely these days since I sleep until like 3PM everyday. Sometimes I’ll have breakfast foods for a late lunch or dinner, though.

64. Tell us a secret. Nah.

65. How many concerts have you been to? Seven.

66. Last hug? My doggo. I haven’t hugged a person in months.

67. Who knows you better than anyone else? You guys, probably. ha.

68. Baths or showers? Showers.

69. Do you think you’re ambitious? I haven’t been for a long time... 

70. What song is stuck in your head? None at the moment.

71. Countries you’ve visited? Mexico. Besides my own, of course.

72. What do you most value in your friends? Understanding and low maintenance. 73. What helps you to sleep better? Listening to/watching ASMR can help. 

74. What is the most money you have ever held in your hand? 1k.

75. What makes you nervous? A lot of things. 76. What is the best advice you’ve ever been given? Hmm.

77. Is it easier to forgive or forget? I always forgive but never forget. <<<

78. First mobile phone? A gray Motorola flip phone.

79. Strangest dream? I have a lot of those.

80. Best dream? Hmm. 

81. Who is the smartest person you know? My younger brother.

82. Who is the prettiest person on tumblr? All of you.

83. Do you miss anyone right now? Loved ones who have passed away.

84. Who do you love? Why? I love my family. They’re my everything.

85. Do you like sharing? Sharing what?

86. What was the last picture you took with your phone? Probably of my doggo.

87. Is there a reason behind everything that happens? I believe so.

88. Favorite genre of music? I like variety. 89. If you had one word to describe yourself, what would it be? Mess.

90. Describe your life in 5 words. Nahhh.

91. Describe the world in 4 words. Nahhh.

92. Craziest thing you’ve ever done? I’m boring.

93. First three songs in your favorite playlist? I’m not checking right now.

94. Are you more creative or logical? Logical. I wish I was creative.

95. Would you rather lie or hurt someone with the truth? I mean, it kind of depends. If it’s something serious and they need to know, then I’d have to tell them even though it would be hard and could hurt them. 

96. What are you most proud of? I don’t feel proud of myself for anything.

97. What personality trait do you admire in other people? Those who are driven.

98. When you imagine yourself as really, really relaxed and happy, what are you doing? I’m at the beach, just staring out into the ocean while listening to the waves crash in and out and feeling the cool ocean air on my face, breathing it in.

99. How do you usually start a conversation? I usually don’t, ha. But I suppose with a “hey” or something of the sort.

100. What is the best news you could hear right now? That it was all just a horrible dream. <<< Oh man. If only.

[jinjojess]

Jess Talks FE3H

I had a Thought the other day that I shared on my Twitter, and @goldstarzzz asked for some elaboration on it. Since Twitter sucks for nuanced, long-form discussion, I decided to type it up on my blog instead (though the draft I was working on during my trip home on the train has been lost twice because of annoying reasons I don’t want to get into now).

Be forewarned that I’m gonna be verbose here, so this shit will be long.

Obviously, we’re going to touch on some FE3H spoilers, so be aware of that.

I haven’t finished any of the routes yet, but there’s something that I want to discuss about the game--namely Edelgard and how if you aren’t on her route you get very little in the way of context for why she does the things she does.

While on one hand, I like how realistic that restricted perspective is, since in real life you don’t know the motivations and past experiences that have shaped a person unless you actually do make an attempt to engage with them and get to know them, and it fits in nicely with the themes in Three Houses of how history is written by the winners, everyone is the Hero of their own story, and conflicts are not Good vs. Evil so much as clashes of worldview/agenda between groups of fallible individuals.

However, the fact that you don’t get any context at all from the other routes does Edelgard dirty as a character, and is where we get these tiresome, dumbass takes like “Edelgard is literally Hitler” and “Edelgard just does things for no reason” from fandom members who are only engaging the narrative on a superficial level. 

(As an aside, there’s nothing wrong with just taking a narrative at face value, but you do have to give up any claim to commenting on its non-subjective quality if you do that.)

And I mean yeah, if you’re on one of the other routes then it does kind of seem like Edelgard’s heel turn comes out of nowhere, rather than a steady, uneasy build to an eventuality. In a game where you couldn’t get close to her beforehand and see the dominoes lined up along the fault line, as it were, this would be Bad Writing (e.g., Monica/Chronia), but you can take the time to hear Edelgard out and listen to her justification before that happens. She’s a playable character with an actual route, which is a big departure from the usual villain.

The things Edelgard is fighting for are objectively good: eliminating the aristocracy; disrupting the Church’s unquestioned authority; dismantling obsession with crests and fate and birthrights. She’s a trauma survivor who wants to help people who have been hurt and destroyed by the machinations of the Rich and Powerful. 

Her methods may not be ideal, but honestly, is she doing anything any different from anyone else in the game? It’s possible she does and I haven’t seen that yet, but so far the things you do on her route aren’t much different than the things you’ve been doing all game already, just under the banner of Seiros. Sure, you have no emotional connection to the NPCs from the East or West Churches, but that doesn’t change the base fact that you’re still going out to exterminate them at the behest of someone who outranks you.

Edelgard and her route’s existence is a challenge to the status quo of Fire Emblem--it makes the player question the usual set up of Good Guys vs. Bad Guys, makes you stop and wonder if hey, maybe all these brigands you’ve been hacking through have the same level of interiority and charm as the characters you’ve been playing as.

The problem with this is that Three Houses is still a Fire Emblem game. Yes, what you’re fighting for is ostensibly different, but the way you get there is identical: kill off the Enemy until they run out of guys on the map. So even if the point is that Edelgard’s goals are lofty but her methods are unacceptable, the entire theme goes belly up since Claude and Dimitri are basically using the same methods. Unless they have some mechanic I haven’t heard about where you can diplomatically resolve conflicts, they are functionally identical to Edelgard with regards to what they actually do. 

This dissonance between the themes and the mechanics reminds me a lot of Pokemon BW, with N and Team Plasma. They’re positioned to address the elephant in the room re: Pokemon’s base premise, but then because they’re restricted by the mechanics, every dispute is resolved with a battle, which kind of undermines the whole thing. Even N, who is depicted as the one who most sincerely believes in pokemon autonomy and rights, still battles you to prove that battles are unethical.

Is this realistic in that many real people will use noble goals as a smokescreen for their actual, more selfish agenda? Sure! But while that applies nicely to Ghetsis and his little cult, N feels more like he’s intended to be an anti-villain, someone who Has a Point Actually, and you should critically examine your actions in-game. It’s far more powerful when the antagonist isn’t actually wrong, just different from you, and it’s a shame that N had to sacrifice some of his integrity as a character to fit into the format of a Pokemon Game.

Going back to Edelgard, while I’d 1000% percent be down to be able to play from the perspective of someone who’s manipulating people under the guise of social reform, that a) doesn’t seem to be the intention, and b) doesn’t really fit with the other themes of moral relativity. If you make Edelgard a Bad Guy but Claude and Dimitri Good Guys (or Neutral Guys, even), that doesn’t really say much about the nature of conflict.

So it seems like Edelgard should be just as sympathetic as the other two leads, yet there’s some really troubling things in the way. 

For one, the fact that she’s a noble herself and the heir (later Empress) to vast resources, including a military that unquestionably heeds her, makes her crusade feel more like condescending Noblesse Oblige rather than a revolutionary uprising. There’s a kind of scummy appropriative element to it that is difficult to ignore, especially since you have Dorothea right there, who’d make a much better figurehead for this movement than the heir apparent to a goddamn Empire.

(Side note but Edelgard also has the misfortune of being a literal Imperial, which in today’s society is not a connotation neutral thing. Being from a “kingdom” or an “alliance” is quaint, but “empire” has become such a staple trope for villains that it’s not even surprising that she’s the one who heel-turns. Add in the fact that Hubert is presented the way he is, and it becomes really obvious which of the Three Houses is going to be the Problematic One. Fire Emblem just can’t help being itself, even when it’s toying with more mature themes.)

But on an even more general level than that, Edelgard’s convictions get a bit undermined when her goal is “stop the powerful from using the less fortunate as pawns” but all of her victories happen thanks to...putting her social inferiors in mortal peril. 

Like yeah, right after you choose to side with her (and she manages to get over the vapors that induces), she has that moment where she appears to be cognizant of the paradox, but I somehow feel like her route isn’t going to end with her dissolving the Empire and handing off all the power to the populace.

She can’t, because this is a Fire Emblem game, and in Fire Emblem games, you win the war at the end. There’s a heavy cost, of course, and we’re all going to have a moment of silence about it, but there’s still a victory and a happy ending when it’s all said and done.

Obviously, if this doesn’t happen at the end, and all four routes (including the Church one) close on a Pyrrhic victory or something, then I will stand corrected and be very pleased. However, my money is on the standard happy ending that conveniently ignores that the common folk are going to be feeling the effects of the war long past any of the privileged, powerful people in your game.

So yeah, that’s my thoughts on how I think Three Houses took some really interesting steps toward being more nuanced, but still gets tripped up on its identity in some ways. Given the way the narrative is set up, this ends up affecting Edelgard way more than the other characters.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[flower-of-the-desert]

City of Bones Thoughts

So full disclosure, I came into this with hella low expectations and prepared for the worst thing I’ve ever read basically. Many of that is because of the comments I’ve seen from other people and if I’m being completely honest? I disagree with about 90% of the things I’ve seen them say about this book. So there’s that. My thoughts in no particular order are below, I’ll try to keep it brief since otherwise it’s gonna get sooo long (my notes ended up being 14 pages which I debated whether I should just post them or not but decided to just give a summed up version instead).

Overall, I enjoyed this book a whole lot more than I ever thought I would and I love that. I absolutely loved many things from world-building elements to character interactions and conflicts and resolutions and I’m definitely looking forward to the next ones.

1) I like the writing style; one thing I’ve always liked about CC’s books is that it’s easy to read them because the writing isnt some pretentious attempt at sounding smart, it’s simple and easy to understand and I very much enjoy that. And it’s actually a bit better than TID? which I didnt expect but in TID there were a lot - and I mean a lot - of repetitions and the same descriptions used a million times in like a page-two pages max which was kind of annoying and I thought it would be the same here but it wasnt which again, I enjoyed very much.

2) I like the basic idea of the plot, there was nothing super shocking about it, of course, since I’ve already watched the show but I like the idea of the whole hidden world, angels vs demons, warlocks, magic, vampires and werewolves and all that; I’ve said before and I’ll say again, one of my favourite - if not the favourite - things about these series is the universe that it created. It has some of my all time favourite tropes and world-building elements and it’s the first thing I fell in love with.

3) I like Hodge being the guy backstabbing the heroes and the foreshadowing of that; it was subtle enough that if I didnt know I wouldnt immediately realise it but if I reread the book or read it already knowing what he’ll do it’s super fun to pick up on the little clues.

4) I loved that we actually got a resolution to the Clary/Alec conflict - and a satisfactory one at that! I absolutely didnt expect there to be one but I adore that their big fight was properly addressed and they both handled it in a mature responsible way.

5) Speaking of the big fight - one of my favourite scenes of the book! And one of the things I strongly disgaree that it was So PrObLeMaTiC; I mean yes, both of them were wrong to act the way they did, absolutely, but like people arent always fucking perfect? Sometimes they do bad things, they lash out and hurt other people in a moment of high emotions, etc. It doesnt make them terrible people forever more (especially if they apologize and realise their mistakes, which both  Clary and Alec did). So in that repsect I fucking loved that scene - it was emotional, it was ugly but incredibly true to both characters and what they’ve been bottling up since the start of the story. And like I said, it had an actual resolution which makes it even better.

6) Another favourite scene - MAGNUS (is anyone surprised anymore). Every time Magnus was in a scene or was mentioned I might have definitely screamed. It be my brand. The scene where the gang goes to him for help is just amazing - everything about it; some many things going on, Magnus’s reluctance to help shadowhunters vs his fondness for Clary, Jace trying to blackmail him with the treath of the Clave like a typical shadowhunter, Alec’s quiet observations of Magnus and how he was the first and only one to not get upset with him and to assure him his past isnt his fault (also speaking of that, if Magnus shared his past with his step-father in this scene then doesnt that create a slight plot hole with TRSOM where he shares the same story with Alec? Although I assumed this was the first time Alec was hearing it but I dont think anything indicated this int he scene itself? Also Magnus was very brief here and didnt go into details so that could also be a reason). Magnus’s struggle to express to Clary that different doesnt always mean better and also how upset he got with the implication that he might have done something to “break” her when all he’s ever wanted was to help - I love him so damn much. Also I love love how utterly unimpressed he is with shadowhunters still and how badass bossy he is and how he still managed to slip in some knock-downs on the Clave and shadowhunters by reminding Clary she isnt better than the rest of them.

7) “Keep it in your pants, shadowhunter” only a true King(TM) can open his introduction scene like this.

Also “Not for free, darling, and you cant afford me” -  BEST LINE OF THE WHOLE BOOK

8) Magnus throwing a birthday party for his cat - ❤️❤️❤️

9) Another scene I love and I think it did a great job of setting up both characters is the convo bw Alec and Isabelle while Clary is unconscious - I made a seperate post just about that because I liked it that much but basically I love that we see Isabelle being rather judgemental while Alec - the gay shadowhunter living in a unaccepting society is the one that seems to be missing that quality and comes to the defence of people more often than not.

10) Speaking of Alec, I really really like him so far; he’s sweet and clever and sarcastic in a different way than Jace and apparently has the one brain cell of the whole Institute 99% of the time (the other 1% is when  Church has it) which is just a perfect recipe for a favourite character in my dictionary. I hope I keep liking him because after three seasons of wanting to punch show!Alec in the face, I really need this. Another agrument I disagree with comes with Alec’s fighting skills and people saying CC made her gay character deliberately weak... but like the narrative explicitly points out several times that Alec hasnt killed a demon yet not because he’s weak but because he focused on watching Jace and Izzy’s backs and using more defensive tactics rather than offensive. And then in the fight with Abbadon all of them are shown to be shaking in fear and basically useless against the demon, not only Alec. Jace - the golden hero - cant do anything either so I fail to see this as a slight against Alec. The fact that Isabelle and Jace arent dead yet should be proof enough that Alec is good at his job.

11) people getting called out for doing/saying shitty things at various points - I love that song

12) there’s a lot more self-awareness than I originally anticipated.

13) “You need to know someone to love them” - book!Alec be speaking from my soul

14) I liked rat!Simon 100% more than human!Simon and that should tell you all you need to know about my feelings about him.

15) the finale scene between Clary, Luke, Jace and Valentine - I loved that. Although I knew what would happen it still gripped me in a way I didnt expect and I was practically on the edge of my seat. The way Jace struggled with his feeling for his father, Clary trying to break him out of it, Luke and Valentine facing off - there was so much emotion going on and characters pushing each other and interacting in meaningful ways and arh, I loved it.

16) Jace’s portrayl as an abuse victim makes so much sense like every word and action makes sense given his backstory and it really makes me feel for him... except that one scene where he manipulates Alec into coming with them when he didnt want to by hitting on his insecurities. That was one thing I wished had also been addressed in the end.

17) Things I didnt enjoy - the girl hate between Clary and Isabelle and Simon’s nice guy bullshit. Both can kindly fuck off. Those are probably my biggest complains in this book which I hope with that ending we’re going to fix at least the first issue.

[emptyartgallery]

Kat. My last words.

Eric overdosed last night. His friend found him purple and not conscious. He called 911 and he was pronounced dead but after 3 attempts they were able to bring him back. I’m not sure why this event is what got me to finally text you what you’re about to or may never read, but it did. And even though it won’t change anything and it crosses lines, I need you to hear it.

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7 months in:

I don’t believe it will change things, Idk if I’d want it to. I don’t want to be a cause of disruption, I just have to say it.

—————

A couple of things I left out that night we met up were because I honestly forgot to bring them up in the moment. They weren’t things that you necessarily needed to hear either, but more that I felt I needed to get off my chest so that I could release the negative energy associated with those things that were on my chest and help me move on quicker.

I’d been trusting the timing of my life the past several months & truly tried to accept what had happened to me, not bring it up, and just move on.

When you said “there’s things i can’t say or do to you anymore”, is when I realized you genuinely had moved on and I had to respect that. So i was saying I wasn’t going to try to get you back because it’d be “pathetic”, is really bc I felt that there was no option for me to dive into what happened, but just to keep talking to you about everything else.

-

I can’t even get into words to express how I felt at the end of our relationship. I don’t think it would change much of anything now anyway so I don’t really see a point anymore. I think you are happy with Hannah, I don’t see that ending anytime soon, yet I still can’t let you go. I’m trying to move on like you did fast but it doesn’t feel all right. You have never left me & I’m not sure if you ever will. I feel not so whole without you Kat. But at the same time I feel so grateful when I think of how far I’ve come & how much more positive and open I am in my life now. Though I still hurt from time to time & think of you often. I regret that things ended but I don’t regret the lessons I’ve learned and the growth I’ve manifested in my life. I just wish I could show you the new me & give you my all. You deserved the whole universe, I could only give you part of it. If I got the chance again, I would pick every star and galaxy for you out of the night sky and present it to you with my whole heart, my entire being. But there’s nothing I can do about it now except to wait for 1 of 2 options while we both live our separate lives.

-

I feel so much, so much more than I ever let on with you or anyone. There was a vault inside of me that stayed closed for so long, I was so ashamed & I buried pains you nor anyone else didn’t even know existed deep to never let them out, I can’t even explain how I suppressed them for so long bc I have no idea how I got thru it on my own, but it finally opened in my mind and blew everything in my life up including us.

All the insecurities and contradictions that came with me graduating and moving and the cheating and the certain thing that happened to me, got me and took over all control, I felt like I had no choice. I’m sorry I never let you in to what happened to me & still haven’t. Literally nobody knows what I’ve gone thru but me and I’m not gonna let it get in the way of the peoples lives that I love again.

If we get the chance to talk in person again sometime, I’ll tell you. But I’m not the selfish person I was in the end of our relationship anymore. You knowing the real reason wouldn’t change anything right now. I see your happiness and I respect it because I still love you and all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be truly happy. And now you are! Which makes me incredibly happy & a bit sad at the same time bc I know I wasn’t strong enough for us, but really I’m genuinely happy for you. I will always be your #1 fan Katherine Marie Chapa.

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10 months in:

I don’t expect us to get back together in the future. I mean how could you after all I put you thru? But, that doesn’t help me give up on us. I took the risk of breaking us up, (trust me to this day it’s still the hardest decision I’ve ever made), and even though there were days it seemed like I didnt care, I did.

You’re my soulmate. We’re universally connected. You were never an option to me. You‘re THE only option. And that’s a reason I did it. I didn’t believe I was worthy of you and I had issues going on internally that I couldn’t deal with, I had to fix myself before I could give myself fully to you again.

I never EXPECTED us to get back together in the future. Of course I hoped (still have hope) that we will, and I truly thought we would be together again by now. But I need you to know that I never thought you would 100% come back to me. Like I never had the thought of “oh she’ll take me back forsure” or anything like that. Genuinely, I made the absolute hardest decision of my entire life ending things bc I took that risk of losing you forever.

I knew it wouldnt be quick for me to find myself and better myself and be able to get back to you (It took much longer than I thought). I knew the possibility of you moving on with someone new was there. Though I never thought that would come so quick like it did nor last this long. I’m happy that you are happy. But I cannot and don’t want to imagine a life without you. Even if it’s just friends, I can’t live with the thought of you being a stranger. But I feel like that’s what we are now. I can’t let go of you. No matter how much I would love to stop hurting, I still have you in my heart and my mind.

Maybe I need you to break my fucking heart. I need you to tell me that there is not one piece of you that loves me even in the slightest. I need you to tell me you’ll never get back together with me. I need you to crush me like I did us. Hurt me so I can’t hurt myself anymore. This is selfish of me to ask but I rather this be the kind of selfish act I do than the selfishness I showed in the end of our relationship.

-

To this day I wonder if I did the right thing. Like I know I did bc it happened and everything happens for a reason. But it was not easy and did not come from a quick decision. The time i spent bw all the panic attacks and quiet depression mixed with all the genuine happy times we shared, I was dying inside. Wanting to die forreal but I couldn’t do that. Not to you nor my friends or family, nor to myself.

I just felt so dirty and worthless after what happened to me. I’ve come to terms with what happened, but I can’t help but think where would we be right now if it hadn’t happened.

-

Regardless,

I know we’re both different people now. We’re both living our own lives. We’re both thriving in our own ways. Inherently we are still the same souls but we probably have different viewpoints and outlooks than we did when we were dating. But I’m glad. Because if we do get back together some day, it will be because the break was worth it. All the pain and growth and time was worth it. Because I still believe that our love is worth it all. YOU are worth it all. And I would gladly spend every day of the rest of my life making up for the pain I caused. Forever and always might have paused for a bit, but I can still see it continuing when the time is right. Gods got a plan and I truly believe that we are meant to be in eachothers lives.

For now, I’m just living and continuously growing. Not waiting for you, I’m doing my own thing like you are yours, but more so my heart still has you in it and wont let go until either 1, you marry someone else or 2, you break my heart & hopes or 3, maybe by some miracle I stop thinking of you. If nothing else, I would love to have you as a friend.