#so idk if im gonna restart that one or just pick up where i was and hope for the best?

[chiimeramanticore]

what up gamer !!!! whats ur next big art project gonna be?

short answer:

long answer: i have a lot of things i want to do all of which ive been putting off to some degree but i can try to tell you about all of them rn lol! most immediately is getting the charm orders shipped out, which has had just about everything that could possibly go wrong go wrong with it but like we ball i guess. and simultaneously the @showroomcertifiedzine that im trying my DAMNDEST to get to ppl before the year ends but also i will never let myself go "how hard could it be" ever again lmao.

after that i wanna try to pick up some writing stuff again, i have a couple of scripts that i actually Want to work on this time but havent had the time, and i wanna go back to potb REAL bad but im on the fence about if i should continue where i left off or start rewriting it because oh my god i want to rewrite so much of this fic now. during the accidental hiatus i reevaluated how i see a lot of the characters and now i feel like ive written a fic ooc enough yet widely-read enough that it'll become That One Fic that so many fandoms have and i would simply never be able to live with myself /j i cant decide if i wanna try to course correct and have a potentially messy ending or restart entirely and deprive everyone of beachdook confession and/or first kiss scene for another 3 years lmfao. vote now on your phones i guess

after that im less sure? i have videos about stuff other than animatronics i wanna make but i kinda have all the time in the world to make those. after getting so obsessed with yes man ukagaka i've wanted to make my own and have it be an oc thing. i still wanna make the rae dating sim lol. but all this is effectively on hold (except the zine and charms since those have ppl waiting on me) until i get whatever hell my brain is in out of there lol so . idk wish me luck on finding The Vitamin i guess

[thegongoozlerreacts]

Dead Plate (Part 2)

OK so its been a month since the last time ive played Dead Plate and uhh oops!! my bad !!

in my defense life has gotten very busy for me especially since its the holidays but now i finally have the time to finish this game and get at least one ending!! (hopefully)

spoilers under the cut

back to day 5 where i struggled so incredibly hard

the amount of times ive played through day 4's nightmare sequence is killing me

bro. how do i pass this level without losing a customer

NOOO I WAS SO CLOSE WHYYY. PLEASE. literally i was doing so well but i took too long for the 4 table orders ugh <//3

i wish you could see like, a patience meter for the customers or something

maybe i should try using the item that slows down how impatient they get

YESSS FINALLY!!! I DID IT I FINALLY DID IT!!

what is that weird squelching sound.

still here even though the shift is over and the sounds i am hearing are concerning to say the least

what if... i just leave ok i cant leave

boss's office? also i just noticed the timer ticking down uhh

can i just leave please why is the timer ticking down wtf do i do???

also lots of interesting things in that office

was the review on the waiter about Rody? if so ouch man thats harsh

NOOOOO OH MY GOD...... I ACCIDENTALLY QUIT I HAVE TO DO DAY 5 ALL OVER AGAIN ARE YOU KIDDING ME

ok well. at least now i know my key to success is the cologne

ok so Rody had an interesting reaction to the crumpled up picture of Vince and a woman so maybe he knows who she is? is this the 'her' that you can sorta not really call on the telephone??? or is he just surprised to find love letters in the trash

anyways its telling me the sounds are coming from the freezer but idk where to go from here

LMAO the sound signalling the end of the day jumpscared me askhjdakj

at least the food looks tasty

what was that whole thing about tho? what was going on in the freezer??

back home, looked out the window and i noticed you can see someone's silhouette in the background windows

i dont know if that was always there and i just missed it but very interesting

FINALLY a new nightmare

bro he was in an oven?? why ?? damn Rody's nightmares are like really creepy akladjalks

another day another dollar

damn. im gonna struggle once again because there is a LOT of customers and like i am just sooo. ksfdjslkdj whatevr kakayanin !! lets go guys

my hands are so sweaty akladh

another successful day and another tasty dish ....my fingers hurt LMAO

looked out the window and yep alright the person's silhouette isnt always there

huh. interesting nightmare it was Vince eating him and like damn that actually scared me lskjd

shorter than previous nightmares

well onto day 7 another day another dollar

lets go!! i am winning!!! only had to retry once this day!!

BROSKI JUST QUIT?!?!?

ohhh so the woman is named Manon

aww i feel so bad for this guy :(( the girl isnt picking up i wonder why tho? like does she just not like him anymore and he just needs to give up on her or is it cuz of smth w Vince (shes probably the girl from the crumpled photo in the trash right?)

damn the phone just ringing while the credits are playing

ouch :((

alright then time to get the other endings!! to do this i will be following the ending guide bc my brain is not big enough to figure it out by myself lmao

ive opened up the official ending guide and oho? you can actually get a phone call from Manon? cool i will try that out first

restarting all the way to day 1 bc i miss how easy it was

yk an interesting thing that was introduced in the tutorial that i havent experienced yet is the customers asking questions

oh hey!! i kept the stuff that i purchased in my previous run?? really?? awesomeee

ooh hey!! i kept the dishes from previous runs too!! cool

ok its day 3 now and i have to take out the trash to activate the cutscene

ok went through that whole baffling ordeal of getting slapped

also!! i chatted with Vince on day 3 and like. idk their chats are just funny to me

also like there might be something wrong with me but i am lowkey shipping Rody and Vincent together kadjlksd this is something that happened in Elevator Hitch where i started lowkey shipping the two main characters oopsies

anyways!! moving swiftly onwards!!

um. my guy disappeared after i checked the fridge

oh shit new cutscene

BRO ??? UM ????? well that was scary uhh. damn

oh the boss isnt in the kitchen anymore wait i didnt get to do all the dialogue options that are needed!! no!! does this mean i need to redo this whole day in order to get the phone call event???

better safe than sorry i guess

ok so interestingly when Rody asked Vince if he liked his job, he didnt answer the question he just changed the subject and made fun of Rody LOL

the 'can you give me a raise' question gives some more details on Manon and what Rody thinks of her (he is a grade A simp bro)

the 'are you single' question is interesting to me just bc Rody the simp has issues w Vince being like 'meh' on romance and tbh im with Vince on romance not being the end-all-be-all

THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT A STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

IS IT CUZ I FED THE RAT CHEESE INSTEAD OF SCARING IT AWAY OR SMTH???

EW ITS IN THE FRIDGE AND THE REAL ONE I HAD BEFORE IS GONE NOOOOOOO

Vince: I haven't got any sense of taste. Rody: Yeah I could see the decorations out there-

LMFAOOO RODYYY

bro now i am sad that i missed out on these gold interactions between them on my first run this is so funny

also they both didnt really have any proper answers for what their favorite food is Vince was like 'eh i dont have any since i cant taste stuff idk lemons or smth' while Rody was like 'i just like whatever my girlfriend likes'

very interesting how Rody is like obsessed(?) with Manon

then when asking Vince what he's reading, he just straight-up lies about what the reviews are saying about Rody lmfaoooo

anyways now for the creepy night restaurant segment and going back in Vince's office to check out the possible Manon love letters in the trash

i just realized the croque madames are like. rotten cuz they have flies flying around it which ew! yuck! why is it like that

well. nothing i can do about it so next day i guess!! oh hey wait i can now afford the matches which i will be needing for ending 3! nice

OK NOW I HAVE REACHED THE PHONE CALL

damn ok so its not Manon but its Vince inviting Rody to a dinner party!! nice !!

LMFAOOOO HE INVITED RODY TO MAKE HIM WORK VINCE I CANT BELIEVE YOU!!

Rody you are so embarrassing but its ok bc ur really funny anyways!! getting interesting lore on Vince and Rody!!

one of Rody's old classmates was there, and then another guest said that either Vince must really like Rody to have him there at the party or is incredibly desperate akldskl (since she said that Rody's outfit sucks LOL)

ooh ok so. Rody is desperate and a bit delusional my bro u gotta let go of that girl bc apparently she dumped you already so like. stop bro

dkjhskas nooo ive served all the guests and theres nothing left to do except snoop around in Vincent's bedroom agh!! agh!!!!!

bro when i go in the room the music just disappears wtf

UM? HELLO??? BRO THAT SCARED ME DSKJKSDJ

i knew this was going to happenn aughjahkj

BRO THE MUSIC IS JUST GONE AJKSDFK not Rody asking what happened like he didnt just steal smth from Vince and pretty much get caught in the act 😭😭😭

well ok then so that happened

actually you know, now that im thinking about it, its kinda weird that Vince threw Manon's letters in the trash does that mean she is pursuing him romantically but he like just doesnt care or what??

i am inside and i am afraid cuz the game asked 'are you sure?' when i clicked 'go inside' broooo

oh hey its Manon and Rody WAIT WHY IS THIS LOCKET IN HERE ?? DID VINCE KILL HER ??

ASKHDKAS OH FUCKK OH NO

bro thats so like. sadistic leaving him tied up and telling him he can live if he runs away but like he can only crawl across the floor

i see why the matches are needed for this part

gee wow thanks game

ok now this time im bringing the matches with me

ok so ive burned away the ropes but im still trapped inside cuz he locked the freezer aghhh

what the heck do i do?? oh nvm i found bags of flour, i can use these to reach the cooler

so i have to stop the fans of the cooler, probably by putting something in it

can i take the saw out?? oh wait theres a switch LOL

ok so ive use the saw to cut the meat off and now ive got animal bones

ive jammed the bones in the fans and now i can break open the window wow

SHIT GOT CAUGHT BY VINCE

DID HE JUST BITE A PIECE OF MY FLESH?!??!

oh my god. he killed and cooked her to feed to Rody i. wHY???

oh so he ate Rody's ear i am shook wtf

bro Rody just severely pissed this guy off by telling him he never ate his food i feel it in my bones also makes sense why its just sitting in his fridge

Rody really hitting this guy where it hurts damn i mean its deserved cuz of like the whole thing

i accidentally got ending 4 since i messed up a QTE but damn. damn that was wild and also this is gross

something i didnt mention earlier but i noticed that there was a grilled hanger steak on the table, which is the dish when you get ending 1 would the other dishes i got in past endings show up when i got them? but i got ending 2 and the dish from that didnt show up so maybe its just a little detail for ending 1 wait was the steak made out of Manon. oh boy that makes that ending a lil more fucked up

ok going back to the chase sequence

BRO RODY JUST KILLED HIM

so i went into Vince's office, surprisingly did not get chased inside and then i picked up the broken bottle and now Rody's just killed the guy

got the restaurant key

bestie like. theyre gonna arrest u if u just leave and never say anything please explain the situation to the police or smth

why is the game not letting me leave. what do you mean revenge is best served cold. does the game want me to put Vince in the freezer!??!?!

yep the steak is def Manon

why r u not letting me leave wtf do i do

trying to read the comments on the game's page on itch.io and the amount of people going 'when will they kiss' 'kiss ending when' im laughing

like even tho all this horrible shit just happened i still lowkey ship Vince and Rody oopsies. toxic yaoi LOLOLOL

i have no idea what to do now so i am just gonna look up a guide rq

ok i need to get the cooking oil

he's burning this place to the ground

wait was Vince still alive after getting stabbed repeatedly???? his eye moved when Rody was pouring oil on him and i mean the game did say that his eyes are still following you

oh bro after-credits cutscene with Manon???

aww ok my opinion of Manon has greatly improved cuz she broke up w Rody cuz he was destroying himself for her she realized that she wasnt good for him and like, for the greater good of his mental health they cant be together

its burnt and also its lemon, which is what Vince said was his favorite food

OH HEY IT CHANGED

actually i did notice that after ending 3 it was snowy

damn

well, thats the end of my playthrough on Dead Plate

honestly, it was a very fun and enjoyable game! i liked the serving aspect even tho i kinda sucked at it and like i also really liked Rody and Vince despite all that just happened those two are seriously fucked up and i love them LOLOL

the music was really good and made up for having to redo day 5 over and over again alskdjh i was jamming most of the time to the music the art was also really good! i liked how cute the pixel sprites were, and then like the art for the portraits and CGs and everything was also really good! i really enjoyed the art style and music

the story was interesting, and i liked it too the twist was wild and blew my mind but i am still a massive fan of Vincent x Rody JKDAHSDKJ

i like how there was a cannibalism twist but Vincent wasnt actually like, an actual cannibal he was just insane and planning on making Rody an unknowing cannibal

i know he ate Rody's ear but like. he said that he doesnt eat people on the regular so yk he's just fucked up

also its really funny reading all the comments and seeing a lot of Vincent x Rody stuff LMFAOOO so true of everybody honestly

HELP I FOUND A COMMENT THAT SAID THEY NOTICED EVERY PIC WITH VINCE IN IT (on the store page) HAS HIM LOOKING AT RODY LDSJHSFLSDKN THE SHIP IS SO REAL!!!

ok sorry enough of that

overall, 10/10 would play again solely for the server gameplay (would be cool to have a kind of endless mode where you just serve customers until one leaves or something) and also because i love these characters

thats all for today and probably for this month LOL byebye!!

[maxgetsfit]

trying to do more research about working out. trying to build myself a routine and make myself a program that will work for me. and be something i enjoy.

ive been looking into body recomp bc i really hate the idea of bulking and cutting and i always have. im not doing 3/3/3/3 month split or anything fuck that. i want to find a way to live life consistently and comfortably

protein is key to muscle growth obviously. i already eat a lot of protein which is good. i definitely want to pick up some protein shakes or powders tho for sure. i need the extra calories anyway lmao. i think itll be good to drink one either before or after the gym, dont know which is better yet.

also 2 days isnt gonna cut it. one because i definitely noticed that working out just soothes my brain a little, i feel a little less like exploding after. like thats a known fact but its funny when shit is real lol. but two because i definitely need at least 2 arm days. but then do i do 3 days a week? 2 arms/upper and a lower? or do i do 4 days? and if so, is the 4th day legs pt2 or something else? idk yet

but i like working out. and ill definitely being at least 30 mins of cardio every day with my new vr now lol. all my fave games are the most active too which is really awesome tbh. i like have a blast and also am actually doing shit that i should be.

idk. i think i wanna go next thursday. holidays kinda end then, school restarts for my brother and everything. routines can come back finally. i think i wanna go to the gym thursday, do an arms day. play around with some weights and figure out where i feel is a good spot to be. fugure out how long i wanna spend, i think an hour is good. and do i do gym cardio now? i liked the stairmaster but now i have pistol whip lol

[lookingforhappy]

gonna follow how @/babblingbear09 formatted it

S1

its kinda hard to find anything for s1 bc its the establishing season so theres not a lot that needs changing tbh.

i think there was one plot inconsistency but i cant remember rn. ill update if i can.

honestly i would have loved for Five to have been there when the basement shit was going down. like idk if i want him to do anything but like here is the person who traps him in the apocalypse (for selfish reasons too) & yet they are the sibling you trusted the most, who gave you the most comfort throughout ur childhood & whose book helped to orient you when you were hurting & lost. like thats an insane situation that i would have loved to see play out.

also related to the basement - i would have loved to see Viktor have a memory related to Five while trashing the house. like i dont care if it was positive or negative, or just his absence. i want to know where Five stood with Viktor in that moment.

Bens room. i want to see bens room sooo bad. & all the grief attached to it.

S2 (pretty much everything @/number5theboy has said, tho i only noticed half of these problems when they posted abt them so)

Hazel deserved a better conclusion & overall effect on the story. following him as a strong supporting character for an entire season & then killing him to tie up loose ends just doesn't cut it. + by killing Agnes & Hazel, having the main cast forget him after 2 brief mentions regarding plot details, then reviving The Handler pretty much counteracted every one of Hazel's accomplishments & made his character ultimately pointless.

(already said this, & ik u saw it but yeah, just replace Elliott with Hazel &/or Agnes & we'd be golden)

Despite being the MVP of S2 Five doesn't accomplish much. he's barely involved in the actual stopping of the apocalypse. in the nuclear apocalypse timeline we know that the Hargreeves all meet & team up & band together against the apocalypse without him. Diego is the one who finds out who causes the apocalypse & Ben is the one who prevents it.

Paradox Psychosis sure is something. im not a fan of toilet humour. there is something to the whole "you will go insane & try to kill your doppelganger bc the universe can only cope with one of you" plotline but toilet humour misses the mark.

also ditto to @/babblingbear09 bc literally just wait 5 minutes to pick the briefcase up off the ground & boom Kennedy's dead u can leave for 2019 & the timeline is saved.

REGINALDS PLAN. HOLY FUCK DID THEY MESS HIM UP. S1 Reg wants to stop the 2019 apocalypse (unclear if he knows its Viktor) & is willing to kill himself to accomplish that. S2 Reginald could not give less of a shit about the apocalypse & more or less encourages Five to let it happen.

(ik ur asking abt s2 but compare this to s3 where Reg very much wants to be alive & with his resurrected wife. also how his plan shifted from "stop the apocalypse" to "get into oblivion & hit restart on the universe"??)

Allison's reaction to seeing Viktor again after he SLIT HER THROAT is handwaved & never spoken abt again.

Allison & Klaus contributed nothing to the plot at all.

the ISB is a plot breaker. they couldve used it to pinpoint where & when Five went in S1 & got him instantly. like the commish is supposed to be both terrifyingly powerful & also laughably inefficient. this just makes them stupid.

everyone forgets that Patch ever existed. like where is her rabbits foot Diego??

the himbofication of Diego & Luther. Diego is an angry little guy & 60s electric shocks & group therapies can only do so much. Luther is more than stupid plans & loving his sister. They're both incredibly sensitive & they react to that thru shielding themselves with anger and self importance.

FIVE IS SO HORRIBLY INJURED BY THE END OF THIS. like the tracker cut on his arm, the stitches on his shoulder, the shrapnel wound, scratches on his neck (chimps are violent little bastards), getting beaten half to death by the Swede, punched & kicked multiple times, a chimney falls on him, yet another fight with Lila & a skillet to the head. Diego too actually.

im sure theres more but this is already a LOT

What do you guys hate about S1-S2 of TUA and what do you think could have made things better?

Aka, I’m taking your suggestions and placing them in Butterfly effect :)

[once-and-future-alaskan]

Saints Row: The 3rd Street Saints are a street gang.

Saints Row 2: The 3rd Street Saints gradually evolve into a vaguely anarcho capitalist domestic terror group lead by a gender non conforming psychopath.

Saints Row 3: The 3rd Street Saints become a bond villain organization with really good PR after defeating two other Bond Villain Organizations with not as good PR.

Saints Row 4: The leader of the 3rd Street Saints becomes the last president of the United States, fails to prevent the total destruction of the world and most of humanity, and then ascends to Emperess of All Space through single combat.

Gat outta Hell: The God Empress of the Third Street Saints and all of Humanity is sucked into hell through a ouija board, Johnny Gat goes into save them and takes over hell in the process...presumably. Did anyone actually play this one? Because I sure didn't.

[angeltails]

i need you more than i should ever say

okayyy <3 thank u @snowflakeicicles for doing basically all the work in plotting this out <33 basically Ziggy jerks off 2 his bestie, there's a part 2 where i actually write smth but im not gonna lie i got lazy doing part one LOL i dont edit bc i dont believe in doing labour ever <3 so gl! idk how well formatted this is gonna b bc im writing on a tablet w a keyboard. if it doesn't mmm i'll fix it later!! before i do part 2 i might do smth self indulgent for miles or 4 mike

    “Personally I think you’re putting too much effort in for a jerkoff like him,” Ziggy knew he wasn’t being subtle as he watched his ‘best friend’ flick through their closet, the dull morning light danced on their floor and Ziggy stared blankly at the tiny corner of his screen that showed it as he tried to politely avert his eyes. Some mild attempt to preserve their modesty that was immediately undone when they pulled off their dress and his eyes immediately flicked upwards. Realizing a little too late what he had done Ziggy tilted his screen towards his ceiling, face burning painfully hot. He was pretty sure he was one wrong move from actually setting his bed on fire. 

    “That’s not the point, Zigs, you just gotta tell me what looks good-” they cut off and Ziggy felt safe to look, only to throw his phone nearly across the room when he found them peering into the camera, “are you paying attention to me? You better not be fucking streaming or something.”

    Ziggy’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his goddamn chest as he rushed to pick up his phone, sliding the lock on his door. He didn’t relish the idea of his mom rushing in on him staring at his naked friend on facetime. The last thing Ziggy needed was some bullshit lecture on respecting others (he totally did respect the hell out of them, enough to give them completely unbiased fashion advice for a date he was totally not pissy about). His hands were shaking and Ziggy was pretty sure he had a pretty strong resemblance to a tomato at that moment, but mercifully when he looked back at his phone they were fully dressed. 

    “Jesus Christ, I wouldn’t be “fucking streaming” when you keep getting undressed! I’m not some kind of… like... pig!” Maybe he came on a little too strong with that defense, but he was totally right. Ziggy knew he wasn’t the type of guy to do that, he wasn’t so sure about the annoying boyfriend (who Ziggy did not wish death on on a weekly basis, it was biweekly now), “I mean, like, does your boyfriend do that shit? Because if so he’s an asshole-”

    “You know just because you have some kind of grudge against him doesn’t mean you can accuse him of actual crimes, Zig. That’s a little fucking rude.” Their voice was muffled as they rummaged around the bottom of their closet and emerged with a pair of platforms.

    “I’m not accusing anyone, I’m just saying if you’re shithead boyfriend was streaming you that’d be totall\

 fucked up?” Somewhere between Ziggy’s totally legitimate criticisms of said boyfriend (who should definitely drop dead right this instant so he couldn’t see the outfit they were wearing) they had wiggled into a miniskirt and crop top combo that made Ziggy feel a little bit lightheaded. He was pretty sure that he was starting to deserve a lecture about respecting people, he was also pretty sure that when this was over he was going to have to use jumper cables to restart his pulse.

    Sliding a hand down out of view of his phone camera Ziggy squeezed himself through his jeans, trying to relieve the pressure just a little bit. Carefully he watched them as they bent over to find something in their drawer. He swallowed hard, slowly unbuttoning the top of his jeans and tugging the zipper down as quietly as possible. It wasn’t gross. Ziggy was just kinda sure that if he kept his pants all the way on they were gonna get uncomfortable really fuckin’ fast.

    They turned around so quickly that Ziggy nearly dropped his phone, terrified that they heard him, his hand flew back up to his phone and his heart thudded so hard he was pretty sure he was going to pass out. After a long silence and an awkward amount of staring each other down they turned back around and started talking again.

    “I mean, he’s pretty nice most of the time I guess-” 

    “What the fuck do you mean I gues? I told you he was a fucking asshole- No, don’t tell me! He’s fucking cheating on you? I told you- I mean you saw the way he was eyeing the waitress that one time-”

    “...Ziggy, what the hell?” They cut him off relatively fast, not letting him continue his usual anti boyfriend propaganda and they politely ignored the way Ziggy opened his mouth to stick his foot in again as they barreled forward, “I was going to say before you so rudely interrupted me, that he doesn’t compliment my lingerie.”

    Ziggy had the decency to look sheepish for a moment, opening his mouth to apologize before he fully registered what they had said. He paused for a moment and then his face somehow seemed to flush even more. Ziggy stared at the screen, gaping like a fish and looking somewhere between delighteed and vaguely sick when they wiggled out of their crop top.

    “...What?” Was all Ziggy managed to get out, sounding kind of strangled as he adjusted in his seat, his hips wiggling uncomfortably. A hand crept back down and Ziggy wrapped his fingers loosely around his dick. He could feel his heart in his throat as they laughed at him and almost unconsciously Ziggy slid his thumb over the head. His eyes half shut and he watched as they rummaged through the discarded pile of clothes on the bed. The room suddenly felt too hot and the air felt too still and so Ziggy kicked his pants the rest of the way of.

“What the fuck are you doing over there?” The glint in their eyes made something in Ziggy’s stomach jump and he opened his mouth to defend himself when they continued, “Whatever, anyway, I need you to help me choose the entire outfit, that includes lingerie. Frankly, if he doesn’t compliment me after I got you to help me pick it out, I think he’s a lost cause and I should leave him.”

Ziggy was about to ask what the hell they meant by that but he didn’t even get the chance to open his mouth before they undid their bra and dropped it to the floor.

He was pretty sure he was dead, actually, and had been a good enough person to go to heaven. That was really the only explanation for why he got to see this and it wasn’t really his fault if he jerked off to a sight like this. Ziggy was also pretty sure they’d never know it, so he felt a little less bad when he tightened his grip and started stroking.

“Do you like this one…?” They did a little twirl and Ziggy felt it like an electric shock to the brain, all he could do was nod, huffing out some random sound that was probably a yes. The sight of them striking poses for him made Ziggy squeeze himself a little harder, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t get this opportunity again anytime soon.

They squinted at their phone a second and Ziggy was sure he was caught, but then they smiled (a little too smugly for him to trust) and went back to rummaging through the pile. Ziggy paused his hand, hips jerking and twitching as he tried to remember how to breathe, ending up with a sort of wheeze that made him glad they weren’t wearing headphones. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth and sweat prickled at his skin as he watched them slide out of their panties and he swore to God they struck another little pose before starting to get dressed again.

“think… the first one’s better,” Ziggy said, he was also thinking that if he had to deal with much more of this he was going to actually die. His finger hovered over the end call button and Ziggy tried to catch his breath, his eyes fluttering closed and mouth falling ever so slightly open as he tried to focus. His breathing came out in ragged pants and he set the phone down on his chest, facing the ceiling for a moment before picking it back up to look into the camera, “ ‘m gonna go, I gotta get off-”

“I mean you didn’t need to tell me that.”

    Under any other circumstance Ziggy was sure he’d have been freaking out and trying to apologize, but he didn’t think he had it in him. Hurriedly he tapped the end call button, ignoring the look of shock and offense on their face as he dropped his phone beside him. Ziggy finally let himself relax, letting out a hiss as he squeezed himself again, only to be interrupted when his phone vibrated and lit up a message.

    ‘c u soon, coming over <3’

[weasel-b33]

500 Miles (j.p x fem!reader)

Description: A few years after the birth of your son Harry, you and your husband James recall the beginning of your relationship. (NO VOLDY I CAN NOT DO THAT TO MYSELF) 

Warnings: Fluff, Kissing, A little Swearing, idk Cute Daddy James, Prolly many spelling errors I wrote this late and I am very tired...

 (THIS IS MY FIRST TIME EVER WRITING SOMETHING KINDA SIRIUS hehe SO IM SORRY IF IT IS TERRIBLE) 

Also the dates may be a bit wrong so im sorry in advance!! 

italicized is flashback!! 

Lyrics used in the song are from “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers (I KNOW THE SONG CAME OUT IN ‘87 BUT SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF PLEASE)

(not my gif)

The rambunctious laughter of the four year-old toddler and his father echoed throughout the large estate.

“Daddy!” exclaimed the messy haired Harry, “Can I please have a story.” Heavily emphasizing the puppy dog eyes he learned from his godfather, Sirius, a few years prior.

James Potter, the man unable to say no to anyone, tried to recall a story he had not told his son. Thinking back to the fairy tales of a prince slaying a fictional dragon, even though they are very much real, to save the princess that his mother used to tell him, James realized he was all out of good material. 

“I’m sorry bubs, I have nothing new too share,” the bespectacled man added lamely. The disappointment was instant on the child’s face, but luckily before the waterworks began, Y/N Potter strolled through the foyer into the den.

“Mommy!” Harry exclaimed, jumping up and bonding over to his mother, nearly knocking her over with his brute strength.

“Umph- Where’s the fire lovey?” you questioned with a slight chuckle. The dramatics of your son were never a surprise. Between his father and Sirius, you were surprised he had not acted much worse. Walking, more like sliding due to the child gripping your calves, over to your husband and lightly pecking his lips you ask, 

“What’s wrong now?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, he sheepishly stated, “I sorta don’t have a new story to tell him... he’s a bit peeved, if you couldn’t tell.”

A loud laugh tore through your throat as you pet your son’s hair affectionately.

“Come off Harry, Mommy has a perfect story to tell you,” you crooned softly.

“You do?”Harry questioned, rubbing the tears out of his stunning green eyes.

You picked him up and sat down near James, “Yes poppet, I have a very interesting story about how two very special people fell in love.” 

James quickly turned his head and quirked a questioning brow, “It all started when they were 15...” 

November 7, 1975

Quietly sitting on the vermilion couch of the Gryffindor Common Room, you began to fade out the noise of Lily ranting about the recent History of Magic exam, and Marlene’s long monologue over if she should or should not cut bangs. Instead, you were beginning to rip out each and every one of the hairs on your head because your Potions essay was nearly finished, yet you could not get those final words to conclude it all. 

Across the common room, a rowdy group of teenage boys, better known as the Marauders, were planning the newest prank on Snape. 

"We should give him that shampoo that will change his hair pink,” Sirius added.

Remus shook his head disapprovingly, “Pads, we did that last time come on..”

“WE HAVE NOTHING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH US, MOONY, HELP I’M DYING OF NO CREATIVITY!” Sirius exclaimed throwing himself across the scarred boy.

Although, many people turned their attention to the dark haired pureblood, James seemed he could not take his eyes off the girl nearly burning holes into her parchment, the girl he has fancied since he was 12. 

While playing with the snitch he stole, he said, “What if we tried that new rain spell we learned in charms today?” 

“Too difficult, we have not had enough practice.” Remus dismissed. “Well what if I found someone to practice on?” James added quickly turning to face his werewolf best friend. 

“Sure... Whatever, I could care less- Pads, get the bloody hell of me before I kick your arse,” 

“I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY REMUS JOHN,” Sirius yelled beginning his quick climb up the stairs to the boys dorm, with Remus and Peter quickly following.

“You comin’ Prongs?” Remus asked to the brunette still staring at the girl with shaky hands.

“No, I’ll come up in a few, still want to try to figure this prank out...” he said quietly. The lanky boy followed his best friends line of sight and quietly smirked to himself.

“Alright, don’t wear yourself out too much.” 

Even throughout the commotion, you still made no move to change your line of sight. That was until Marlene nudged you and whispered into your ear.

“Psst! Oi! Y/N! Why is Potter staring at you?” 

You quickly shook your head and waved off her question, opting to continue to find the right words.

Well until your blonde friend gripped your jaw, and turned your head to the direction of the boy. You instantly made eye-contact with the messy haired Gryffindor and quirked a brow. He smirked and turned his head away. You thought nothing of the interaction, until you felt a sudden drop above your head...

Instantly, it seemed as though there was a storm in the common room. Looking towards the ceiling you saw the dark rain cloud above your head. Quickly turning your head to the essay you were writing you noticed it completely wet and ruined. You jumped into action, trying to salvage what you could, but it was too late. Ignoring the screeches of your friends and fellow housemates, you began to look for the source of the cloud.

That was until you made eye contact with the laughing and smug James Potter.

“POTTER!” you yelled. Almost immediately the rain stopped, but the damage had been done. “JAMES POTTER! YOU BETTER HAVE A REASON YOU STARTED A STORM IN THE COMMON ROOM!” 

Hearing the commotion, the rest of the Marauders came down to the common room to witness what was happening. But all they saw was a yelling match between you and their brunette best friend.

“YOU ARE A DICK JAMES POTTER! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS COMING! IT’S GONNA BE SO NICE TO SEE YOUR FACE WHEN ALL YOUR ACTIONS FINALLY COME TO KICK YOU IN THE ARSE!” you yelled.

“What? I did nothing, I don’t mean to dampen your mood, but I have no idea what you are on about.” James replies smugly.

“UGH- YOU ARE A BULLY AND A RIGHTEOUS, STUCK UP, EGOTISTICAL ARSEHOLE! I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS BECAUSE-- OH MY! I-” You were quickly being dragged away by your red head companion. 

“Y/N, he is not worth it... let’s just leave.” 

“NO! I HAVE TO RESTART MY ESSAY! I WAS THIS BLOODY CLOSE. UGH- YOU ARE AN ARSE JAMES POTTER I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT!”

“Y/N, it was just a prank, its no big deal relax.” James said.

“RELAX! ARE YOU KIDDING... I-” you paused taking shallow and rapid breaths, ‘you know I can not believe you think its funny. You truly have no regard for people and how they feel do you?” you asked slowly and meticulously. 

“Prongs, just apologize and lets go..” Remus said quickly.

“I- I didn’t realize it would be that big of a deal.” James tried to say to you, but it was no use because you had already dragged Lily and Marlene out the common room and to the library to re-start your assignment. 

“Oh, COME ON! I did not” James stated jokingly.

“Darling, you must certainly did, I barley passed that essay as well. I blame you for me getting an E in that class.” You replied giggling.

“Moooommmyyy! Story, get back to the story,” Your son said dramatically, grabbing your cheeks and turning to face him for extra effect.

Hearing a chuckling from James in the background, “Alright bubs, back to the the story”

January 23, 1976

After months of back and forth between you and James, he was fed up trying to get your attention. From roses to chocolate, to even a firework show in your honor, James believed he had done everything to apologize to you for his stupid prank and prove his affection.

Tired of his friends constant whining, Remus and Sirius decided to take matters into their own hands and talk to someone who knew you better than anyone else, Lily and Marlene.

“Oh Evans, Mckinnon, we are in grave need of your beautiful minds” Sirius flirted. Remus smacked him across the head adding, “Ignore the git, we need some help its about-”

“James?” Lily and Marlene said in unison.

“Yeah...how did you know” Remus questioned. “Are we gonna ignore the fact they spoke at the same time” Sirius said, once again receiving a blow from his friend.

Rolling her eyes, Lily remarked, “Well, Y/N has been complaining about him for months,” Marlene quickly interjected, “...and you never are without him so its an easy assumption. 

Now its was the boys turn to roll their eyes to the back of their heads. “Anyways, he will not shut up about getting her to forgive him... so we were wondering if you had anything that could work to get her to forgive him?” Remus pleaded with the best Sirius puppy dog eyes he could muster.

“Fine,” Lily and Marlene said jointly.

“THEY DID IT AGAI- OH NOT YOU TOO AS WELL!” Sirius exclaimed rubbing the now sore bump on his head. 

Ignoring the dog’s dramatics, the group of four began conducting a plan for James that would knock Y/N’s socks off.

At this point, Harry had nestled between his parents and fell into a deep sleep.

The two of you put him to bed and settle down back into the living room.

Looking longingly at his wife, James says, “Well, might as well finish the story love... it is the best part.”

Giggling at the antics of your husband, you shrug and began to finish the story...

February 14, 1976 

The Great Hall looked as though Cupid had just went on a decorating rampage. The room lined with pink and red hearts and the sight of loving couples nearly made you want to gag. Then, you remembered the boy who has dying to get your attention for the past months and can not seem but to get excited.

What does he have planned for you? Is he gonna get me a gift? Do I look presentable? 

“WHAT!” you quickly think to yourself, “Why in Merlin’s name am I excited to to see Jame- Potter. Godric I can’t feel like this for him... He his as a fly that buzzes and will not leave me alone... but he is not the worst to look at”

You quickly snap out of your thoughts as Lily starts to put food onto your plate. You begin to eat, but can only think of one thing.

James Potter.

“Why?” You begin questioning again, “Godric, Y/N You like him... No I do not.. You realize you are having this whole conversation within your brain, right? It is obvious you like him...” you grumble to yourself as you realize your psyche has won once again.

Lily noticing your strange behavior begins to question if you discovered what they have planned. 

Almost as though the boys heard Lily’s thoughts the beginning of the plan is activated.

Instantly, the candles in all of the Great Hall extinguish and there is the beginning of a song plays.

Suddenly, a spotlight shines onto the teachers table where atop, James and the rest of the Marauders stand, Remus and Sirius with guitars and Peter on the drums. James holding a mic begins to sing...

When I wake up, Well I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you.

Your head snaps to the noise and there you see in all of his glory, James Potter holding a microphone staring straight at you.

When I go out, yeah I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who goes along.

Quickly shoving the breakfast roll down your throat you nearly choke as you see the boy slowly make his way towards the front of the Gryffindor table.

When I get drunk, well I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you.

Your eyes widen comically when you see James Potter jump onto the Gryffindor table. 

And when I haver, hey I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you.

Slowly, the boy begins his walk across the table to where you sit. You try to make a run for it, but Lily and Marlene quickly grab your arms and anchor you down to the bench 

“What friends you are!” you hiss at the two.

Marlene just rolls her eyes and Lily pinches your hip.

And I would roll 500 miles And I would roll 500 more Just to be the man who rolls a thousand miles To fall down at your door

Once the boy is standing in front of you he reaches down for your hand. Stubbornly, you ignore his gesture, well until your two friends throw you up onto the table with the love struck brunette. 

When I come home well I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you And when I grow old, well I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you.

You grip onto the boys biceps for stability and are forced to look into his ravishing hazel eyes...

In that moment you forget all that he has done to you in the past and all you can think about is him and you. 

But I would roll 500 miles And I would roll 500 more Just to be the man who roles a thousand miles To fall down at your door.

Smiling, to yourself, you grab the face of the boy in front of you and mold your lips together. Ignoring the cheers of your classmates, the only sounds you hear are the background noise of the boy’s best friends signing backup. 

Da da da  Da da da                                                                                                            Da Da Dun Diddle                                                                                            Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da Da.....

Smiling to yourself and grabbing the hand of the man you love you start laughing.

“What’s so funny, love?” James asks.

“Nothing.... Just we began dating because you performed a whole song and dance in front of the entirety of Hogwarts.” you reply breathlessly.

“Well, hey, look at us now... happy, healthy, and a true family.” he replies smiling at your antics.

You lay down your head into the lap of your husband, and look up into his hazel eyes you got lost into all those years ago, “Such a sap, Potter, such a sap...”

Kissing your cheek softly, “Only for you, my darling girl... only for you...” 

“I love you Jamie”

“I love you more, my love.”            ______________________________________________________________

AHHH I HOPE YOU ENJOY!!! IM SORRY IF IT IS SO BAD!! THIS IS MY FIRST FIC PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I COULD DO ANYTHING BETTER!!! AHHHH (but like kinda like this story... kinda proud ;))

[chil2de]

in reply to the ask before like the one where i was asking if you got it :0 (idk if that made sense)

no you’re the sexy one (๑ > ᴗ < ๑) have you seen your blog and the way you speak ??? it’s so fucking hot hshshjshdjandvsjbdgajdvhsb <33

you wanna know abt my favourite characters ? hmmmmm well my favourite ones ever are sayori from ddlc, maka from soul eater, childe, xiao, benny and thoma from genshin ( ˘ ³˘)♥︎

im actually like a HUGE fan of video games (specifically horror ones cough cough). my favourite ones are ddlc, yttd and genshin :]

i’m also super interested in science and physics don’t call me a nerd i will cry ଘ(*. .)

HSHAHGDJAGSJAH IM SORRY THIS IS SUPER LONG

u should tell me abt you toooooooo

okay bye :))))))) mwahhh

-🦕 <3

rip the world I guess. to no one’s surprise we’re both perfect and hot. actual news flash, though? we pretty much like the same characters <3 really heavy on childe and xiao but... pulled albedo yesterday and he’s. huh. pretty hot actually LMFAO. think it’s the fact how i built him to be lowkey strong and he’s so small and tiny. pretty baby. they did do his model dirty tho :/ i love thoma dearly but i don’t really play him much. he’s my secondary support after noelle cause i just use her shield n switch out to thoma whenever it runs out. do have to keep him in my rotation though because his dialogue just.. fuck. makes me wanna sob and vomit he’s so cute. straight up offers you his coat when it’s raining. love him. such an amazing malewife

the way that you’re a proud stem woman and play video games like ddlc and yttd make you a certified hottie. like we all knew already, sheesh, but this just confirms it. and soul eater? a woman of culture, i see. the op to that is an absolute banger and i can just remember the total heart eyes i had for death the kid... but we won’t talk about that. his character design was pleasing to look at rather than anything else LMFAOO

i rlly luv shit that’s like.. psychological horror? it messes w u mentally rather than straight up gore and all. funnily enough i’m simultaneously very paranoid so i haven’t gotten far in playing any games like that. tbh... been a proud gamer girl since i was really young but i mainly play strat games? don’t starve is one of my favs have around 200 hours stacked up on that. ++ animal crossing in general but i restarted right before the new update and i just can’t be fucked to pick it up again. genshin’s taking up sm of my spare time recently. don’t think i’ve ever looked into ddlc or yttd but ur lowkey abt to convince me. deadass not joking

anyways. i’d like to think i don’t suck ass at genshin given that i’m ar35 but i started playing two weeks ago. hot girl shit cause i don’t think i’m gonna ascend anytime soon. lowkey bow users are so fuckin sexy so yeah. let me snipe a whole hilichurl from a mile away and get a clean shot😍 definitely aimed at sir tartaglia i’m still very salty that i missed his banner by a slim margin. not amber, tho. everything abt her build and kit infuriates me

how are you finding the genshin event, by the way? planning on pulling any characters or are you saving for the next few banners?

[neverlearnedtoread]

An Enchantment of Ravens

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐: sad love story? dude im about to jump on this sick faerie horse and slay an all-powerful fae king, i dont even remember what a tragic ending is

Oh?? 👌😉😏

cute fluffy love story - we need all the serotonin we can get in this society!!!

non-powered heroine who survives by being consistently level-headed and quick-thinking - isobel really said #galaxybrain rights

aloof but ultimately v loveable male love interest

nature spirit!fae and fun mashup of classic fae lore - you can tell the author really had fun doing her own take on fairytale tropes!

writing style - any style that remotely reminds me of dwj wins in my book

No.. ❌🤢🤮

a travelling story - which is apparently something people don’t like reading about? idk, if you’re not into smelling the roses, this isn’t your book

not enough fluff - even though this book is like eating cotton candy. but tbh there should’ve been more making out (just one more make out scene, margaret rogerson, please........do it for the serotonin)

Summary: A portrait artist who lives in a small town called Whimsy gets commissioned by a faerie prince of the autumn court to paint his likeness. As is inevitable in all stories involving customer service, he gets mad at her for some misunderstanding that wasn’t her fault in the first place, and takes her away to the fairylands to stand trial for her despicable art crimes.

Concept: 💭💭💭💭💭

The cover looked gorgeous, so I was gonna pick it up eventually, but then I heard it was supposed to be pure tooth-rotting fluff so I bumped it up on my ‘to-read’ list. You can never read too much fluff! Plus I’d read the excerpt while browsing books, and the writing style was so atmospheric and beautiful and melodic....not too flowery, until I didn’t know my ass from my elbow, but not blunt either. It’s not often I find a writing style that makes me sit up and take notice. And I’m always game for more takes on fae lore.

Some spoilers under the cut!

Execution: 💥💥💥💥💥

What a good take on fae lore it turned out to be! It felt like reading a cute fanfiction about characters I already knew. Usually romance books aren’t the best time for me, because I’m so picky about the characters and their chemistry together - but this managed to be just the right sort of whimsical and sweet and humanizing to make it work. I also loved how you had to put a lot of things together on your own - the first-person narrative was used to great effect, because what details the protagonist could pick up were left to her - and the reader - to figure out. I like books that don’t hold your hand about worldbuilding - it gives you room to make your own interpretations.

Personal Enjoyment: ❤❤❤❤❤

Ironically, when I love a book, I deliberately take longer to finish. I backtrack from where I stopped last, mutter lines to myself out loud to hear the tonal inflection, stop to walk around the house with a dumb smile on my face - this book only had 300+ pages, and should’ve been easy to finish in a few hours; I dragged it out over two days. I think I restarted a chapter like 5 times because I wanted to read the whole scene again. The story’s not grand, but what it had to say resonated with me. So much of media nowadays is obsessed with ‘bittersweet endings’, with consequences and sacrifice - sometimes it’s okay to have a story where good things happen to good people, because they refuse to settle for anything less.

Fave Moment: So many.....every time Rook was embarrassed, I bookmarked the page 😂😂 we love seeing a hot guy drink his humility juice. The top contender here is probably the scene when he first appears to Isobel after the painting was sent to Autumn Court, furious and scared and determined to make her stand trial for her Emotion Crimes (she made me feel a feeling! I don’t like it make it stop!! I am a prince!!!), up to the part they escape the Winter Hunt - everything Isobel did to escape was so quick and clever, my girl had all the braincells working overtime

Fave Character: Isobel is far-and-away the best character, but because we’re not being objective here, Rook takes the top spot. His utter lack of understanding for a lot some of Isobel’s actions, especially when she shows emotion, didn’t mean he couldn’t still be romantic as hell - like when he took her to the Green Well, she said ‘that’s not going to work for me, i could never give up painting’, and he went ‘oh, okay. i won’t bring it up again’. He clearly didn’t understand her reasoning!! but he honoured her wishes anyway. I also liked that Rook only had one previous brush with romance, and the girl rejected him. Generally male love interests are more #experienced, with girls all over them, but Rook? Rook fell in love once and got his ass cancelled all the way back to the autumn court. His vulnerabilities made sense to me, and that’s rare for a YA male love interest.

[thetowerupright]

this is absolute word vomit. sorry in advance.

i started a new med and my psychiatrist said to take it in the morning bc it wont make me as drowsy as the last anxiety med, but when picking up my med the pharmacist said I absolutely need to take it at night bc i’ll get extremely drowsy. i decided to take it bc i had a horrible panic attack at walgreens so it would help me sleep. so i took it at midnight and laid in bed until 2:45 just not being able to sleep :) sooo i guess the med fought against my actual sleep med and now im wide awake :)) ANYWAYS these are all of my thoughts since midnight

1. i had to delete my twitter app bc i like going on there at night and signing petitions bc there’s so many resources for them on twitter. however so many people are coming out about being raped or molested which is good bc i want people to tell their stories but holy shit it is so triggering. just seeing stories and details like i go on and i have to log off a short time later bc im so triggered. it sucks because i want to be there for people but i cant do that if im triggered ya kno?

2. i have always loved amy winehouse for so many reasons but when i sing one of her songs it’s the only time i feel confident in my singing. she was just such a gem and it makes me so sad to know i’ll never be able to see her live. i’ll go a couple months without listening to her and then a song will come on shuffle and she’s all i listen to for the next 24 hours i love her so much

3. going back to singing, god damn. i miss that shit. i miss performing and being on stage and singing and dancing and acting. i posted a video of me singing on tik tok and i keep almost deleting it because i sound so terrible. i am so terribly out of practice. the other day i found like the tap dance side of tik tok and i almost bought myself some tap shoes and a floor set so i could start tap again. i still remember so much lol but like my singing im so out of practice. bc of my rapist and shitty people in high school i feel like i sound so fucking terrible and have so much anxiety singing infront of people. it sucks i just wanna work on the fear

4. i heard recently that people with anxiety will tend to watch the same tv and movies over and over and over again bc their brain already knows how it ends, and i felt so snatched!!! i restarted the office last week, soooo this is my 13th time watching it. ive watched 5 seasons in like 9 days. and when i finish it (which will probably be in the next couple days) ya kno what im gonna do? PLAY SEASON ONE EPISODE ONE lmfao the office is my tv show weighted blanket

5. i realized that since deleting my instagram soooo much tension has left me. like not just in my body but my soul as well. that shit is just so extremely toxic. im glad i deleted my account and dont have the pressures in my life to please people on social media. i did get a little annoyed tho bc people kept messaging me wanting an explanation and i dont owe anyone shit! however it was fucking hysterical when i put out 24 hours before deleting it that i was leaving and all the men actively in my dms were messaging me all upset like HONEY you’ll be FINE go masturbate to someone else GOOD BYE

6. my savage x fenty package was suppose to be here monday and still isnt here :) so im in nashville and it went from indianapolis, to memphis, to louisville, and is supposedly in nashville as of tonight. like they went south and passed me, then was in the SAME STATE, went NORTH OF ME, and now it’s here. it was also shipped by fedex and i haaate fedex because similar shit like this ALLLLLWAYS happens!! honestly im only frustrated bc im so use to my amazon packages being at my house 4-48 hours later. i say 4 hours bc last month i order something at 4am and it was delivered to my house at 8am that day lol

7. i saw a tik tok about rape that said hey guess what every 7 years you have new cells so in 7 years you’ll have a body that was never touched by your rapist. im happy bc nov 11 will be 7 years since the start of everything so those cells will be gone. but he raped me in february so that’ll be another 7 years for new cells. it’s nice to know i’ll have new cells one day that arent touched by him, but as i sit here typing this i can still feel where he first touched me in nov 2013 and i wish i could burn all my skin off

8. in the last 2 days i have eaten....3 bites of a grilled cheese. :)) like ive gone to eat and just the smell of food makes me so sick. i wish i could go back to my attempt in april and be like “hey frankie yeah uhhhhh dont do this...for obvious reasons ofc but also bc you literally will not eat food for months!!!” i cant tell you how many times ive gotten food i love and taken a bite and it’s soooo gooood and then after two or three more bites my body is like “NOOOOOPE ABORT MISSION”

9. it’s almost a year since rileys death. i’m trying to keep myself distracted as best i can. it’s hard though. i miss them so much. i feel so empty sometimes without them physically being in my life anymore. a year has passed and i still find myself picking up my phone to talk to them. ive gone through this pain before and i know it gets better it truly does. but right now it’s hard and painful and absolutely heartbreaking and soul shattering. i hope whatever happens after death, riley is okay. theyre happy and free and their soul is more alive than it was on earth.

10. i felt suicidal today and for a moment yesterday for the first time in awhiiiile. not actively or wanting to do harm to myself, but just not wanting to live anymore. when i talked to my resident about it today and how i was dealing with it, he said i was doing a really really good job. and that he was proud of me. i didnt cry then but when he went to get the psychiatrist that was subbing in for mine, i did cry a little. i wish i heard more that people were proud of me. i’ll appreciate that from anyone, but i fucking wish my family would tell me that. they never really have, going all the way into childhood to now. idk i just feel like nobody is proud but im trying so fucking hard.

11. the sun is rising and it’s so pretty outside. despite everything, this week is going well. it’s not like fantastic or anything, but i feel a little more lively this week than the past several weeks. a few weeks ago i looked at myself in the mirror and started sobbing. not just because i hate how i look and my body. but because i saw no light or life in my eyes. i took a selfie a couple days ago, and i saw a little light and life again. im not gonna say things are better, but things are very very slowly improving. just gotta do the next right thing. ttyl :)