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ashton-ryder · 13 days ago

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For the greater good of the world, even if it means your own come crashing down.

5th May 2024

Ashton Ryder has had enough, he felt like he finally understood Charlie's frustration with a silent treatment, but this hurt. Two weeks. Two fucking weeks since he was tossed back out like a broken rag doll bored of being played with, three since he last saw Jeremiah Rose. The way his heart kept being torn and bandaged by actions of Jer's, making sure he ate, getting Vikram to treat the fever and infected open wounds, words shared in secrecy only between themselves, of assurance, of trust, of love. And then nothing. Jeremiah told him then, he was planning something, but he couldn't get Ash involved, nor could he get him out of this yet. But even once he was released, it was not fair, he was broken, battered, bruised, Ashton needed him. And he was never there.

He tried to be understanding, giving excuse after excuse to himself of why there was this whiplash after whiplash of warm love and coldness. But selfishly there was an anger simmering. No one else, not even Charlie, wanted to talk about Jeremiah with him, and so he resolved to talking to the source himself.

Ash had mustered the courage to leave his apartment for a few days now, trying to find a way to make life find a normal again. The crutch they got him helped in slowly moving around, feeling a little less useless, even if that was still the main thought. But then there he was. Jer had somehow made his way down to the peasants that night. He didn't know why or where Jer was going but he didn't care.

Ashton stopped him in his tracks, blues intensely facing blues, icy glaciers versus the deep seas, for long, excruciating seconds they silently searched for answers they individually wanted. They always were able to have silent conversations through their gazes, a skill mastered over the years. Despite staying cold and neutral he could feel the icy blues scan across his being with care, as if assessing any visible damage on Ashton, taking in the gravity of it all. There had been more cuts and bruises since Jer last saw him that's for sure. Jer hadn't walked away yet, or ignored him, Ash took that as a good sign. Neither of them were very good at words and feelings, but this time, Ashton needed to hear them. He needed to know once and for all whether it was all a lie.

The guards hadn't been paying much attention especially with Jeremiah around, resigned to taking guard elsewhere and so once all eyes were off them, he grabbed Jer's hand and pulled him back to his apartment, crutch slowing him down but Jer never resisted. Another good sign. And Ashton was desperate for any good sign; the way his hand clasped back with his, the way he matched Ashton's pace, the way his other hand hovered by his back in case of support.

Once the door clicks close, and by now Ash had fashioned a way to lock from the inside despite locks turned, it was finally just the two of them again, no prying eyes, no listening ears, no Sada. And Ashton was quick to break first and give in to the hurt and heartache and anger and confusion, Jer silently let him say his piece of mind as if he deserved it. By the time he was done, he had ditched the crutch and leaned against the kitchen counter for support, exasperated and tear stained. But it could all be encapsulated in a single question, why? "Why didn't you even come see me when I needed you most?"

"I was sure you didn't want anything to do with me ever again. You shouldn't." This conversation felt so familiar again in reverse, surely on a smaller scale for the night after the party. (To think one day he'd be calling that family meeting blow up a smaller scale.) Ashton's simple response almost reminiscent to Jer's back then, "why wouldn't I?" Simple but held so much weight to what that meant specifically to them. The shared small smiles evident that the same memory came back to them both. Enough good signs for Ash to, for the first time, initiate and pull Jer into a kiss instead of waiting for the permission of Jer kissing him first to do so, saying everything else he didn't have the words for.

This time however instead of moving past it, he gave Jer the space to answer the why, the only way out is through, if they wanted to salvage anything they had. That pocket of vulnerability once again wrapped around them in privacy, exposing the weights they harbored on their shoulders; for Jer, the blame he felt for Ash's current state, the helplessness and lack of control of everything happening, the daughter in Maisie, for Ash, the doubts sowed non-stop daily in Ash's mind from Sada, the resilience chipped away of being sure they meant something, the death sentence she gave him that they now both hold. Jeremiah is the one person to listen to everything that Ash went through in that cell. The rest of the night was spent in open honesty, confessions, empathy, shared kisses and whispers of love. Slumber easily coming to them exhausted thereafter, things were always better when they're here.

Dawn came and for once in a long while, Jer was still here. Ash hadn't woken up to an empty bed already cold, and that was enough proof of everything. Before the rest of the world woke up, Jeremiah then shared under his breath the plan that had been worked on, the people already involved. Everything that had been carefully put in motion while Ashton had been fighting his own battles alone. Guess he wasn't ever really fighting alone at all. And he wasn't going to let them fight this battle without him either.

i don't care if we're next in the morning, or the only thing left in the room, cause i finally trust that you love me, and i finally think i love you.

11th May 2024

And then the façade was back on. They were back to business as usual with everyone else, silent conversations of plans building brick by brick. Ashton continued to work on walking as much as he could without the crutch, keeping his head down, staying subdued, knowing he'd be the most watched one once he started leaving his apartment more. Jer was back in Sada's bed, appeasing the queen to keep attention away from the world below. As the days went by, everyone that wanted to overturn the oligarchy was part of the plan and not a single soul more that would potentially be on Sada's side. Weapons smuggling into the hands that needed them, Zach even returned Ash's gun he had given to him during the fall, not expecting his friend to still have it for safekeeping - that meant a lot. Plans were in place, people were in place. And while they hoped it would be a swift downfall, they were all too aware this could also turn into a shit show. Still, anything to change this shit hole had to be better than accepting this life.

So they were somewhat prepared when shit hit the fan, just not that quickly. The strongest ones of Sada's were supposed to be scheduled out on a run. They were then to round up the remaining loyalists in keeping them restrained at best, preoccupied at least, once up top was activated for both teams to run in tandem. The runners came back too early for whatever reason and all out panic rose from them. The coup that was meant to be swift and deadly with the death of Sada, turned into a civil war bloodbath. Ashton was supposed to make his way up to join the rooftop as backup once they rounded up everyone and the rest of the building was safe. In the chaos, they didn't have enough weapons to get everyone armed without it being suspicious. The few that were, did their best to fight against the fire power. Ashton still wasn't physically up to standard yet either, with still a limp while a dull pain shot up every time he walked, his gun and sharpshooter aim was all he could contribute.

Bodies were falling and fleeing all the same and Ash didn't hone in until there were familiar faces in the chaos and his blood ran cold hearing familiar voices yell in agony, oh he wished they were instead just yelling at him like a recruit again. Ashton ran over and help took down the loyalists before Lindsay ordered him to hide Maisie. The kids shouldn't have been involved, they would've been easy leverage to surrender, how did they find her? Lindsay had been hurt and Ashton hesitated for a millisecond before his mentor barked the order again, this time sounding more like a plea.

That's an order Ryder, take care of her.

That was all he needed to hear to obey them, taking Maisie hidden in a corner and running as Lindsay handled the rest of the oncoming opposing forces.

Ashton took Maisie to the one place he was confident in hiding and would be safe, the nooks and crannies of his own apartment, teaching her to lock the door and hide under his bed, while keeping an eye on the door of anyone breaking in. He wanted to stay by Maisie’s side but deep in his gut he knows they need him out there. Ash promised her he’ll be back for her as soon as the bad guys are gone. She was brave and smart, after everything she’s been through with Linds, she recited Ash’s instructions flawlessly though he could see the fear underneath the brave exterior. One final pinky promise before he closed his door, and the fight continues.

The moment the first death was caused when Sada’s people opened fire earlier that started the chaos, all gloves were off, they were fighting for their lives. Ashton methodically cleared out and helped the others take control of the rest of the building before he made it to the roof just in time to see things heating up amongst Sada and the rest of the people that she had wronged, who wanted- needed to see her die. To see retribution be served. Ash nodded to the rest that the building had been secured, they held the power now - who was Sada without her people? Without even Jeremiah and JP?

Perhaps that was where the blind rage was directed to the most. Both Rose boys no longer by her side after years of devotion. Ashton wanted nothing more than to see her no longer take space and air from them. His cold dark blues meeting her gaze one final time, she didn’t deserve any more of his time, energy and emotion. He should've shot her back that very day at the port, at least he wouldn't miss. He would’ve opted for a swift end without any more mind games and delay, but Jeremiah made it clear for his request to be the one to end her life, and no one really had any protests to that. Ash stayed by the side as did the rest of them, his gun still raised at her as a final measure just in case, as a threat.

But just as the killing blow was delivered Sada still manages to get one final laugh in, a burst of energy and a hidden knife driving straight through Jeremiah's chest as he killed her. As if his life was hers to own and hers to take. Ashton's reaction was instant - the gun that had been trained on her head this entire time went off without hesitation, coldly, sharply, despite his own heart breaking and sinking at the crushing realization as Jer keeled over- no, no no no no-- Why was he always just a little too fucking late?

Things had been happening around him, he wasn't sure what, people shouting, making sure Sada was dead for good, running back down, running to Jer, his surrounding blurred to focus on one thing only as his shaky hands dropped his gun to get to Jeremiah's side, he somewhat remembered JP there, Charlie too. He was on autopilot trying to stop the bleeding without much supplies, Ruth was taking care of the wounded downstairs, he silently but desperately worked as the siblings had a moment together, he shouldn't get involved in that moment between family, besides, he was still alive, they still had time--

Ash didn't notice the way his hands trembled and were covered in blood and his vision blurring over tears welling up until an all too familiar, comforting hand reached up to his cheek, fingers tracing features as they once always did in the privacy between just them, trailing to his chin to make Ash turn his attention and bring him closer, icy glaciers versus the deep seas once again.

It no longer mattered that others saw them anymore, the one person that made them seek comfort only in secrecy and hesitancy, was dead. Ashton this time didn't really know what was going through Jer's mind in the moment, perhaps fear, perhaps regret, perhaps resignation, perhaps pride, perhaps for once in his life, love. The small private space between them was still theirs alone despite the public scene, Ash being pulled in to softly press his lips to his, words whispered to each other of quiet confessions, of reassurances, of comfort, of goodbyes,

until there was none left.

...

The Wexley Building finally soften back into a somber silence, the suffocating air that had the Wexley in a chokehold for an entire month finally releases, and one could breathe again. No fear of oppression, no fear of one wrong move, no fear of execution. The breath that most of them, including Ashton, took, and exhaled into a grieving, yet liberating cry.

Everything was a mess, people were dead, people were missing, some ran, others met their end. The rest of them picked up the pieces to count their losses, Ashton tried to hold himself together sturdily while they all felt completely lost amongst the tragedy. Gathering the dead, healing the wounded, counting the missing. It took so much for Ashton to not completely break there and then. Maisie was safe and so was June, but god- Lindsay, Jeremiah. The girl had already gone through this once with her mother, and now twice, thrice over. Of her uncle, of her father.

He didn't know what to do except hold her in his arms through the tears of the news, standing steady for her while he compartmentalized his own grief for now, until there was no more tears left in the tank for her to shed. As night fell that same day, everyone was exhausted, grieving, overwhelmed, but f r e e. With much of the work done to reorganize themselves, perhaps they all deserved to rest without worry once more.

So that when the sun rose again, so will they too, with a new beginning.

Ashton knelt down to Maisie who was with June until her friend went back home with Roman as everyone stopped work, was he sure of this choice he was about to make? No fucking clue. But Lindsay's final words still rang in the back of his mind, and Ashton Ryder wasn't one to fail an order. He used what little energy he had left to softly smile to her, holding out his hand to her, metaphorically always covered in so much blood yet always ready to serve, "do you want to come with me for now? We'll figure things out together." You're not alone. You never will be. Maisie took his hand and nodded.

They got her things from her and Lindsay's apartment, grabbing anything she needed for now, getting the rest another day, adding a bed to Ashton's room for her, for them to not have to sleep alone tonight. When everything was done, in place, washed up, they individually laid in their beds in silence.

It was there when he stopped moving, stopped working, stopped distracting himself, was when the grief washed over him like a drowning tidal wave. He hadn't shed a tear the whole day since Jer, there was too much to do, and now, everything spilled out. He laid there silently stewing in denial of everything, everyone they've lost that day. His bed felt too empty knowing the familiar presence wouldn't ever be back. He didn't think Maisie was still awake in the bed from just across the room when the hot tears tipped over and kept spilling without an end in sight as he swallowed back painful sobs, perhaps she knew he was holding a lot on his shoulder the entire day, perhaps she knew he was crashing out too.

Ashton felt her presence come to his bed, tugging at the blanket to request to not sleep alone tonight. And so she slept on the other half of his bed, giving both of them the permission to grieve together, and fight off any nightmares that threatened to haunt them both. She was so strong for someone so young. Ashton understood dealing with grief young, he was so angry back then, and through the marines, grief kept coming back for more from him like a toxic friend, even till now it still wasn't done with him yet. Take care of her. The reminder rang, and he had no idea what he was doing, but neither did Lindsay, neither did Jer and they still did it anyways right?

He wasn't sure either of them slept all night. But they were there for each other.

...

It felt like everything came crashing down, and yet, the sun rose again that next day. And the next, and the next. And life had to go on.

Ashton did what he did best with grief, shove it down deep and drown it with work, things to do, life to rebuild. He flitted around from area to area, still leading the scouts with Zach and Oscar, stepping up with a few of the residents to lead them into reassembling their life, brick by cracked brick, piece by broken piece. He went everywhere, from scouting and expanding their safe boundaries, clearing out the dead in the buildings and streets, building their barricades, helping to grow the farm, teach the kids, caring for Maisie, helping Ruth set up her hospital, muscling through construction when they needed him. He never stopped. He was afraid that if he did, he'd break completely and would never get back up again.

And they weren't exactly all bad days either, many days Ash could still find a smile, daily visits to the hospital bringing Ruth and her team lunch, sipping tea with his best friend, remembering the things Beau taught him to continue helping with the rooftop garden, babysitting for Zach and Charlie, learning ASL from Aggie, dinners with the Roses. Pockets of joy to help numb the pain.

If it ever get too much, he'd go to the ice rink that they managed to salvage and clean up, with his old skates and hockey stick and puck, like his teenage self, just let it all out on the ice by himself. Only one day in the year he'd let himself crash. There were only a few things Ashton requested from Jer's belongings, old pictures of them, old shared sweaters that simply switched owners and the unopened Yamazaki 18 whiskey bottle he gave to Jer during his last birthday, waiting for the next good day to share it together that never came. It was a bottle that was proof of Ash's own tenacity over sobriety and reclaiming his relationship with alcohol, gifting it to Jer on his birthday just months before his death because Ash felt like he was in a good place with alcohol again to share it with love.

He wasn't sure if he managed to get out of it again this time.

Now, one day a year, on the same day when everything changed, he'd request if Maisie could have a sleepover with June and the kids, he'd open that bottle only once for a single shot, following whatever other alcohol he could get and just being alone for one night, he gives himself permission to crumble and grieve. And just like how his mother did it back then, the next day he'd be going straight back to work. Because people needed him, and if no one else, Maisie needed him, and he wasn't going to let them down.

...2026.

#no one asked for this no one wants this but i /need/ it idc #can't move on till i properly grieve sobs asdjhgsd #hope it helps paint a broad picture of the coup too idk i just winged it #i kept it vague on who was where other than the few so you guys can decide!! idrk how accurate this would be so didn't wanna complicate it #and ofc lmk if u wanna change if u don't like the above i can def move ppl around no prob <3 #long ago in a hc meme i said that when ash falls he falls hard and falls all in so this is hard for him ok #we prev had things planned so might as well write it out :'))#also needed the dad!ash & maisie lore #needed to literally write myself out of a ditch and into the new season or i'mma struggle #;self paras #;more about #;s3 #;timeline updates #;timeline report

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