#so i won't feel like a complete failure who isn't going anywhere in life anymore

[themuseoftheviolets]

just signed up for ENEM again. this is fine i'm fine (i'm about to have an anxiety attack)

[politemagic]

I'm a False Dawn Lying Through My Teeth

I'm not quite sure what this is, a lyrical analysis or a diary entry, but I just feel this song in the deepest pits of my soul and I just wanted an avenue to express these feelings. This will be below a cut out of respect for the dash (and because it's... a lot) but I don't know, perhaps someone else can relate.

So it's four in the morning, and I'm mourning All the versions of my person I could've been

If you're reading this, you probably are aware that I have a severe anxiety disorder coupled with major depressive disorder. It's next to impossible for me to turn my brain off on my own, and this leads to a lot of late nights of racing thoughts and self-hatred. They say never trust your thoughts after 10pm, but every night I fall into a new existential crisis over who I thought I would become and who I'm turning out to be.

From humble beginnings to humble ends Turns out I don't amount to anything There's a prophecy of me that's been seen But I just don't believe it

I was always the quiet kid, the ridiculously smart one who just put her head down and did her work. I spent my entire school life hearing my teachers tell my parents how much potential I had, how impressed they were with me, how they knew I would go on to do great things one day. I never really believed them.

Today, a victim of "gifted kid burnout", I can't imagine myself fulfilling these "prophecies" that they told. I'm terrified of change, of putting myself out there, of failure, and it has held me back in every possible aspect of my life. I feel like I am doomed to fall short of that potential, that I'm bound to end up completely unremarkable.

So I'm coming to grips with my feelings All the chances I'm inhaling and I'm wasting

Since my hospitalization earlier this year, I've sat in therapy talking about how I feel like I'm incapable of these things, how I feel like I can't do anything for myself, personally or professionally. Every time an opportunity comes to me, I fear it's too good to be true or I'm afraid of the change it will bring.

I was given a wonderful opportunity by a family member to work for their company, and I feel like I'm falling short because I just don't have the skill set for what they seem to want anymore (started as videography and is now morphing into social media management which is not my jam) I want to leave and find something else, but with how difficult it was for me to find this job, I feel like that's a waste of this opportunity for growth. I should want to put this under my belt, learn these new skills, but it isn't what I envisioned for myself and I can't find the motivation to learn them. I just want to give up.

From humble beginnings to humble ends Yeah, I'm going nowhere from whence I came There's a prophecy of me that's been seen But I just don't believe it I just don't believe it

The "going nowhere from whence I came" hits me in the chest every time. I feel like every time I make any progress, I'm set back to where I started. It feels like fake progress every time, not because I went back to square one, but because I didn't internalize any of that healing.

And if I can't make that progress, how am I ever supposed to get anywhere? I constantly feel stuck in myself, my situation, my life. Where I am now, I can't imagine meeting anyone's expectations of me.

Save your faith, I'll let you down again Well, I'm failing you and I'm failing myself 'Cause I'm a false dawn lying through my teeth On the horizon, there's nothing left to see Save your faith, I'll let you down again

The hardest part of recovery for me has been watching my loved ones watch me fall over and over. Every time the suicidal thoughts creep back in, I feel like I'm failing them. Every time I get lost in the sea of hopelessness, I feel like I'm letting them down.

I'm letting myself down.

I try to spin everything to make it seem like I'm making progress, so that they won't give up on me, but I feel like a lost cause most days. I tell them I'm feeling better, more myself, yet when I look to my future I just. Can't see it. I can't imagine myself in the future, in any respect. A big move is coming up, and I can't picture my life there. I can't picture my life anywhere.

There are a lot of days I just want to tell my family that they should stop holding their breath for me to be okay again, I just feel like I'm going to be broken like this forever, if medication and therapy aren't helping and I can't do anything for myself. I think their energy would be better spent elsewhere.

Now I know that all my hope is just a hoaxing Every well that I wish in is failure provoking

All too familiar with the feeling of finally getting my hopes up only to have them crushed or turn out poorly. I hoped to get a promotion at work because I had been told I was qualified for one. I got laid off instead. I poured my soul into that job, unfortunately, and all it left me with was a feeling of failure. That I wasn't good enough, no matter what they said.

I got my hopes up for jobs, searching for some direction in my life because I can't find it in myself, and came up empty every time. And now that I have a job, I just feel like I'm destined to disappoint them because I'm not what they wanted.

From humble beginnings to humble ends Baby, I'm a loser, don't mean a thing Prophecies of me have been seen That I just don't believe in

Self explanatory, really. I do honestly look at myself as a loser with no significance. I have a very limited circle of friends that I barely manage to maintain through my emotional ups and downs. I keep getting beat down, and it doesn't affect anyone. I leave and everything carries on without me. This prophetic vision of me exists almost entirely inside of my own head and the heads of others.

Save your faith, I'll let you down again Well, I'm failing you and I'm failing myself 'Cause I'm a false dawn lying through my teeth On the horizon, there's nothing left to see Save your faith, I'll let you down again If I'm willing to be lucky again I hope that providence is luminous enough To show me the way To show me the way

I don't believe in God, I'm non-religious, but every day I wish I could believe in something to guide me, because I can't guide myself. If I ever let myself hope, I want some kind of confirmation that I'm putting my hopes in the right place.

Save your faith, I'll let you down again Well, I'm failing you and I'm failing myself 'Cause I'm a false dawn lying through my teeth On the horizon, there's nothing left to see Save your faith, I'll let you down again

My therapist keeps telling me I'm doing great, he only wants to see me once a month. Yet so much of that is influenced by the fact that I can't shake this need to get a "good grade" in therapy. I focus on the small areas where I have seen improvement, yet kind of gloss over the things really dragging me down. And unfortunately, even when I try to emphasize them, we wind up back on "you're doing so well!" My last session I spent half of it talking about a serious dissociative episode and we ended with me being on a really good track because I recognized that I deserved better than my emotionally abusive ex (which I've known for years).

When my struggles aren't acknowledged the same as my victories, I feel like I'm lying, painting this image of the sun on the horizon when in fact I'm sinking beneath the horizon faster than ever. I know we need to celebrate our wins, but when everyone starts looking at me like I'm on the "other side" of suicidal ideation and depression, I feel like I'm disappointing them when I point out where I'm still having a hard time.

Every time the thoughts come back and I tell someone, I see their heart break, and I just wish... I just wish they wouldn't care as much. I feel like I'm only going to let them down again.

This was a lot of possibly incoherent word vomit and probably more personal than it really needed to be, but this album speaks to me in ways I could never truly explain. I've listened to this song 10 times in a row, a blubbering mess, and just. Needed to get it out. So if you read this far, I'm sorry.

[lorkai]

🌺 Title: One More Life

🌺 Summary: There is no future without learning the mistakes of the past, but there is also no past without the hope of a better future. And to repair mistakes or to make things better, a child is dragged into a tragic history of coups d'état, deaths and re-concessions.

🌺 Words: 4096

🌺 Notes: Some may remember that I already posted this story here, but I decided to rewrite this chapter. Hope you like it.

🌺 Warnings: Mention of dismemberment, explicit death, gore. Please check the tags for more.

The closed clouds formed strange patterns over the faint sunlight that ended on the horizon, red and orange slowly disappearing, leaving behind a thin trail of snow. And despite the hours, the children ran over the lights of the lanterns that they carried in their small hands, without knowing what was close to happening. Their laughter would be remembered in young Morgana's mind for a long time. Everyone was happy, after all it was the Harvest Festival - affectionately nicknamed the Demon Race by the girl - it was the day when her Lord liked to send his little soldiers to face demons that he summoned to see how much they had evolved with their magic and spells, that always happened at the end of the night.

Morgana did not grow up in a good or happy place, but she had no choice but to follow what her Lord commanded. The organization he worked for was also not a good place if she remembered correctly, there were so many experiments going on, so much pain and cries of help echoing through those walls that would never come out of the young girl's head or anyone who heard them. It was terrifying.

And in the dark of the old empty hut, she sat. Chained at the ankles by a metal pillar. The dark did not frighten her any more than the task entrusted to her, hunting demons, killing them and bringing their hearts to her Lord. Morgana hated that time of year, hated the snow pulling her down and the cold so intense to freeze her bones, and on top of that she hated the magic that came out of her hands and the blood that spread through her fingers afterwards. She hated the throbbing of the organ in her hands and even more that sadistic smile on the face of the man who had taught her so much about magic. But she had no choice, not yet.

"Your folly is amazing, my dear." Said a well-known voice, making Morgana turn around. It took her eyes to get used to seeing something in the immense darkness that surrounded her, but when she finally found him she started to massage her temples in search of momentary relief. It was Toby, a small, transparent ghost who wore bloody rags of clothes that looked from the 1800s. He was, unfortunately, the girl's dead brother, now a ghost bound to accompany her.

"What would you have done?" She replied, showing her hands chained by heavy metal. She didn't want to have to deal with the ghost now.

"I sure as hell wouldn't be pretending to be a good girl, waiting for someone to give me an order. Morg, you must take the chance to escape. They plan to summon a strong demon this time... What was the name again? Diavovo? Dialovo?" Toby yelled, crossing his arms. He floated to the other end of the cell, tossing a thick, old black leather book from hand to hand. And contrary to his angry tone, the ghost seemed calm, stopping beside his sister to hand her the book. "Whatever! You know the Demon Race is the closest thing you have to an opportunity to escape."

"Patience, my dear. I can't rush the sand into the hourglass any more than it can." She said, mysterious. Her fingers traced the pattern of unfamiliar letters and she smiled, feeling the strong magic so familiar that emanated from that Grimoire. The book that belonged to each of her brothers was hers now and she asked that it be useful in her journey. "Can't run away now, brother. This isn't the time. Also, you know what B would say."

"I don't care what that traitor has to say to me! He wasn't there when you or our brothers begged for help, he isn't here now to save you." the ghost grunted grudgingly and crossed his arms over his chest, seeming to adopt a defensive posture. "I insist you use this to escape, there's a very useful spell here. Take a look."

Morgana looked. It was the old book that passed from sibling to sibling in her family, but she never read it and didn't even know her secrets. Its pages were old and fragile, yellowed, she analyzed the strange letters forming strange words – it was an unknown language that was written there, but little by little the words moved and began to form sentences that the girl knew and understood. Spells appeared over the pages and she let out a big sigh this time, one of relief. Toby moved closer to her. "There are some spells you won't understand, Lothos made sure the younger ones wouldn't understand. So I can translate what you don't understand." The ghostly fingers roamed the pages with great nostalgia as he read her the simplest spells, almost overjoyed that she couldn't read in the dark.

And she was looking at him even through the dim light from a lantern, but it pained her to nurture his hopes when she herself knew she might die at any moment. She wasn't going to run away from Cosmos, no, she was going to destroy them inside and save those who could be saved. The emotion she felt at the moment couldn't be explained, she was happy to have him around and hear his voice, but she didn't feel his touch, his heat. Anyway, that moment was almost enough to make her forget what was going to happen within the next few minutes. There was a noise that disconcerted her and made her close the book with a bang, she quickly stuffed it into the pocket of the dress she was wearing. And she waited.

She looked at the figure standing over the wooden door, the light shining over his head as he chuckled softly. Then she noticed that he was shaking the human head of a child much younger than she was, and his red eyes glowed with excitement, watching the blood trickle across the floor of the cell. "He deserved it, he was making so much noise when I whipped him. But I like to think of it as his good luck gift." He threw his head towards the girl, falling to her feet. The child's transparent eyes stared at her, hot blood running in abundance over her legs and onto the floor. A horrendous image. She tried to move away but the chains stopped her.

"Too bad. His voice was so beautiful when he screamed." He commented and removed a cork of keys from his pocket, walking very calmly towards his expressionless pupil. He seemed to root for her to cry, for her to scream so he could punish her, but that didn't happen. He released her from the chains slowly as the blood on his hands smeared her and made her shiver even more, he pulled back far enough so that she could get up and seemed to find the sounds of bones cracking amusing. "Project K is almost perfected, so no failures will be tolerated. Stay still."

Morgana pressed one hand against the other, bracing herself. He handed her a red pill and watched as she swallowed without question. The burning sensation that engulfed her body was almost unbearable, causing her to fall to her knees and bring her hand to her throat. And anger filled her as her lord laughed to the point of being in tears. The pill he handed her must have been an improved version of the drug they were creating, she felt like she was being ripped from the inside out and blood leaked from her mouth as her vision glowed. Everything about her body ached, Toby and His lord went out and into focus. His voices mingled in her head as she vomited more blood.

"There, there." Her lord pulled her to her feet, using a spell to stop the bleeding. He patted her head lovingly as he smiled and she leaned closer to the contact, albeit involuntarily. His gestures didn't match what he was saying at all, but it took her a few more moments to process that. "It's going to be alright honey so don't let us down. I know you can do it, now go." He gently guided her out of the hut and closed the door slowly. A barrier was erected as soon as the girl was thrown out, to protect him. And she heard him laugh. Maybe he imagined all the bodies he would have on his worktable in the morning. Perhaps he had imagined a morbid joke. She didn't want to know.

"Are you okay?" Toby questioned. "Do you feel pain anywhere?"

"I am fine, brother." She analyzed the landscape around them. Shady trees, whose roots were hidden by snow, rose so high that their leaves and branches almost completely obscured the dim moonlight. This was a perfect place for demons to come to hide waiting for a meal, a subtle black trail of sulfur could be discerned through the tree branches. The smell also did not hide that there were demons there. She looked up at her brother, stifling a moan of pain as she smiled so as not to worry him. "Where are we going?"

"Demons everywhere. Three of them are northwest, seventy meters and they're strong. But there are two weaker ones you can kill easily, ten meters away. This way." Toby pointed, starting to follow a narrow path between some crooked trees, destroyed by the force of some demon. He heard Morgana walking behind him and her teeth gnashed so hard that he felt sorry for her, he couldn't feel the cold or heat anymore due to his condition, but he remembered now that she wasn't so lucky. The fine clothes she wore couldn't protect her from the incessant cold, that was a punishment and even she knew it. She had failed in her last mission, so it made sense to let her suffer her own luck. He knew she wouldn't survive like this and they had little time for it. Unfortunately she couldn't use any fire-based spells either because the scent would alert the demons.

Toby stopped his sister with a wave of his hand, gesturing to the pockets of her dress. "I almost forgot, but there's a spell in the Grimoire you can use to keep yourself warm. Let me show you."

"You know the cold can't kill me, even if it hurts" She warned him, giving a half laugh that was followed by several sneezes. Toby frowned as if he didn't quite believe his sister, signaling to himself as if he was setting an example. "Right, but that won't happen, brother."

"Enough stubbornness and give me the Grimoire. We have to be quick." Morgana let out a huff of indignation as she pulled the book out of her pockets and opened it, after glancing from side to side to make sure no one else was there. She created a sphere of light and illuminated the pages while a short wave of wind caused by the ghost opened the right page. He whispered the spell to her once, twice. Then she chanted it aloud and felt something warm run through her body, strengthening her. "Back to the subject... Use the Grimoire." He muttered looking directly at the book in her hands, with puppy eyes.

Morgana was preparing to give him an answer not as kind and patient as the others, but she was silent. She hid behind a tree when she heard a thin scream very close by. It had started. Really started. Limb by limb and the sound of flesh being ripped off was heard through the forest loud and clear, she covered her mouth with her hand so that no sound escaped her and signaled for the ghost to see what was happening.

"Looks like we found them, yay." Toby muttered grudgingly, his fingers making hollow sounds against the trees he touched. The feeling of running or fighting was never higher than when he approached some supernatural being, not that the ghost had seen more than other ghosts and lost souls, but he knew a thing or two. Finally he went to his sister, almost exasperated. "If you insist on following your role, the audience awaits your show, little star. They say they want to see his heart."

"If you insist." The girl whispered something in a low tone with her hands clasped together as if to pray and from the center of her hands flaming chains ripped the skin until they huddled together, moving of their own accord. Morgana was smiling. And she moved faster than Toby's eyes could see, like furious lightning. Toby ran to accompany her, without worry. He had seen a lot of that happen over the years. And it came as no surprise to him when he saw Morgana manipulating the chains and lifting the demon's body by one, two, three, four meters from the ground, hearing him scream when his arms and legs were broken, twisted at odd angles. Bones exposed on his skin. Black blood trickled over the snow as he screamed profanities.

"I really didn't want to do this." A deep, husky voice came from the girl's lips as she laughed, enjoying the smell of burning flesh. The chains slowly burned the entire demon's body, to the point that she would have ripped his heart out of his chest before he died. "But the grains of sand can only fall into the hourglass when it is time for them to fall."

"You are the disgusting witch that everyone talks about!" The demon screamed, blood dripping from his mouth. He struggled against the chains, but the more he struggled and screamed, the more the chains tightened.

"The only one but I think you don't like me that much, too bad." Morgana made a single movement that threw the demon on the ground and she approached him, pulling a red blade from her pocket that she would use to kill him. The demon tried to fight the chains, struggling, forcing its wings to work to get him out of there. But the girl kicked him in the face and commanded the chains to hold him more tightly. Toby flinched when he heard the sound of more bones being broken. "You had to be a low level one, it smells like sulfur. Shame on you, someone of your level would never be able to kill me." And then she sank the blade into the demon's chest. More blood flowed as she stabbed again and again, feeling it tremble beneath her small body, laughing when she saw life abandon the weak entity.

Toby yelled after her that he was dead, but she only stopped stabbing him when he was reduced to an unrecognizable mass of flesh. The white dress she wore was black, filled with demonic blood. She looked down at her hands with something akin to curiosity, then she looked down at the body and for a moment she couldn't make out anything that had happened there. "Fuck, this shit is scary every time. Morg, you...?"

"I'm fine, silly." She returned the chains back into her hands as she grunted in pain, the next moment her palms were intact as if they had never been injured. She got up quickly, muttering aggressively that she would have to find another demon now that she couldn't take the one she'd just killed, so she stepped away from the dead body and looked around. The sun wasn't even close to rising yet and she had plenty of time, but she also knew that failing couldn't be an option. Not this time. She has seen what happened to those who failed and it was something much worse than what happened to that demon at her feet. There were so many limbs and guts out of a body while her lord was using poisons and having fun, she didn't even need an anatomy book to tell the difference between a lung and a tibia. She wouldn't be next - between failing here and being next, she could freeze to death.

"You went into a trance again." Toby sighed, if he was alive he would probably be shaking. "Are you wondering about your next target?" Morgana nodded.

"Far away. About forty meters. But they are powerful." Toby tried to concentrate to find out something else, but he didn't have much to feel. They were powerful entities without a doubt, if they were strong to face the girl or not he did not know and did not want to know, he wanted her to run away. But there was only a little he could force her to do. The ghost watched as she seemed to consider whether she was going after them or not, but stopped walking before she could state her thoughts. There was a dismembered body in front of them. The head was tied to a tree as if it were a sinister pinata, a wide smile from cheek to cheek still frozen on the face. Blood dripping still. It was recent. She gasped and tried to walk away, but she felt something hot and hard on her feet that made her stop. Something that the faint light of the moon illuminated very well, she stepped on top of the corpse's guts.

"All this for what, I wonder sometimes. So many dead children, so many tormented spirits. If the fate had been different they could have been happy away from this misery." Toby whispered so quietly that even a breeze made more noise. He tried to pull her away, despite being cruelly reminded that he couldn't touch her. He was just a lost voice over others inside his own sister's head, so he did what he could. He caught her eye and pointed to a safe place.

"Because they are all too cowardly to fight for what they want, so they train us and use us," Morgana shivered with rage when tears came to her eyes, her fist closed on the blade that was just used in the poor devil's murder. "We are weapons in a war that we do not even know when it will happen. But it will be all right because I will destroy Cosmos and free all who still live, even if I die trying, I will drag those motherfuckers to hell with me!"

"Oh, now you're talking like yourself, good little girl." She felt the speck of happiness in the ghost's voice, even with all the sarcasm he dripped from each syllable. "Morgana, the girl who wanted to save the witches. Sounds like a good title for a biography." Toby continued to tease.

"I won't save them, wizards, humans, they both always think they're above everyone else. I'm just going to free them and then go home. Or what's left of our house. They can handle their problems on their own." Morgana sighed, crouching for a moment in the mud to undo an exploding trap. She eyed the device curiously before standing up and following the ghost further into the forest. The trees gave way to a brighter place, a snowy field opened up for them. A frozen river was mere steps ahead, their reflection was reflected under the stars and moon. There, the girl almost looked livid. A confirmation that her dead brother really was by her side - not that she didn't know it, but she thought she was crazy after everything she'd been through there.

"What are you going to do?" Toby asked, floating around her. She shrugged with a cynical laugh.

"I have all the information to destroy them, but I need time and resources," She explained taking a big breath to try to warm up, but she failed and she shivered. "We will complete this ridiculous task and we will go back to the base."

"Or you can open a..." Toby tried to dissuade her like an annoying good brother, but he stopped in mid-sentence and turned with confusion hovering over his face. And for the first time he was serious. If he could go pale with fear, he would surely be now. Although he was tired of running around, protecting the girl, he knew that every year was the same thing. But as he said hours earlier, her lord had summoned stronger demons this year. And the ghost felt three of them behind them at that moment. The same ones he didn't know if his sister would be able to defeat.

He pointed out to Morgana that she should start walking slowly and quietly to get as far away from the hiding demons as possible. Stumbling and almost slipping, Toby pushed his human and hoped that no one would appear. To his displeasure, Morgana started sneezing and coughing up blood again, he felt her magic get out of control and he cursed himself for letting her drink that strange pill the old man had given her. A lot of things could go wrong, but he really hoped nothing would happen now. The bushes moved and branches broke, and when Toby looked around there were three demons staring at Morgana with a desire to take her soul. The young girl was on the verge of a breakdown and he knew that her magic would be as unstable as every other time that she drank that pill.

"Can i do this?" He heard his sister swear in pain. "Do it, brother."

 He looked at her before taking possession of her body as he had already done before. The cold she felt, he felt. The feelings and thoughts she had were his now. And with that, he moved his hands very quickly when he realized that the demons were approaching and surrounding them quickly. A great barrier separated them and prevented them from attacking it. It was weak and so he started running while he still had time, looking for a place he could use to keep his sister's body warm and safe until he thought of something.

"Bloody hell, what a shit situation, Morg!" Toby grunted, but now in a hoarse and dragged tone. He did not know how long he looked for shelter or how much time he spent running, but he knew that the presences were approaching again and this time much more aggressive. He heard the murmurs of disdain and sarcasm, and he feared for his sister's life. He saw the horns slowly came out of their heads, small and sharp, twisted to the sides and long black wings with emaciated feathers punctuating out of their backs.

'We are going to die!', Toby thought, no longer able to continue. 'This is all B's fault!'

"Look, Apoliom, Belial! Such a brilliant soul. Will you want to?" One of the demons commented to his friends in a tone of immense mockery, lifting the girl by her white hair and smiling when she struggled to get out of his grip. Unsuccessfully. Toby tried to use the chains, but the most that came out of the palms of Morgana's hands was smoke. And it made the demons laugh hysterically.

"If you're going to eat her soul, do it soon. We have to go back sooner or we are going to have problems." Apoliom murmured with great disinterest in the situation, but he wanted to know how someone so young had a soul as brilliant as those. "We're already full." Belial shrugged. "Hurry up!"

The demon's face seemed to melt like candle wax, revealing a hideous face of muscle, and his eyes went the blackest shade Toby had ever seen. He leaned forward, encouraged by the other two friends who had already satisfied their hunger, he opened his mouth ready to suck Morgana's soul, and if Toby still had one, his too.

But a very bright light suddenly blinded all the demons. It was hot. Intense. Angry and calm in the same proportion. There were screams of pain and curses thrown at random, but the light just kept expanding and expanding. And a flood of warm feelings went through the ghost's chest and he knew that this sensation reached Morgana somewhere in her tired mind, he felt that she fell into a deep sleep, warmed by that light. Her body finally fell, but not in the snow. In a pair of firm and gentle arms that lifted the small body. The demons were forgotten, expelled, although not even Toby was able to remain lucid for a long time, visibly affected by using possession for so long.

"The only survivor, we are going to take her with us, Barbatos."

[juviaafullbuster]

FORGIVING HIM

Genre: Angst and fluff

Relationship: Gruvia

Summary: Gray is determined to apologize to Juvia and win her back after realizing what he has done and what he is losing.

A/N:

This is the second part to my story "Breaking her" which I wrote for Gruvia week. Its dedicated to @amrentheangel since it was supposed to be a one-shot but she asked for another part. Hope you like it, let me know what you think :)

Here is part 1 if you're interested:

https://juviaafullbuster.tumblr.com/post/614669804097470464/breaking-her

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A few weeks had passed since the group had returned back to Magnolia. The whole guild was working hard on rebuilding the guild hall. It filled Gray with pride, seeing that things didn't change between the guild members and everyone was putting their all into it. Fairy Tail still meant a lot to every single one of them. If only every thing could go back to the way it was..

He looked around for the water mage that would usually be hiding somewhere near, trying to get closer to him, but he couldn't find her. He hasn't been able to for the past days. He wasn't sure whether she was gone on a mission or just locking herself up in her dorm. He knew one thing for sure though. She was avoiding him ever since their last conversation. Thinking back, he could still hear her words clearly. Every single one she threw at him.

You only saved her to break her heart all over again.

It was a stab to his heart. Every damn word. The more she talked, the more he broke inside. But he deserved it. He deserved to hear it, deserved to feel the pain. If he was honest with himself, he never deserved Juvia in his life in the first place. She was always too good for him.

It's over. Juvia is done.

He could see the hurt in her eyes, the way she was holding back her tears and forcing her chin up, trying not to show weakness. She had reminded him of the Juvia he met that day on the roof. The phantom lord Juvia. Cold, calculating, distant.. He remembered that day like it was yesterday. It was were everything had started. He was amazed by her power, admittedly a little freaked out too. But that wasn't what stuck in his memory the most. It was her fall. The way she just accepted it. She didn't scream nor did she try to hold onto something. She just kept falling, empty eyes looking into the sky. She was ready to leave, ready to lose her life. It was a quick reaction, but he had caught her by her wrist and pulled her up. And somehow he had broken the curse that had been following her. They both sat on the roof, still drenched from the rain that had been pouring over them just minutes ago. It was gone now. He let Juvia see the clear sky for the first time. That day, it changed her completely. He had saved her. At least that's what Juvia always told him.

You brought the rain back, Gray.

It was the words she had last said to him, before parting ways. The words that kept coming up in his head, showing him how much he had messed up and how badly he had truly hurt her. Juvia had left after, not seeing the way he broke down, how he couldn't hold it back anymore. The tears kept flowing and his heart was aching. He was praying to wake up, praying that it was all a bad dream, that it would be over soon and he would see his Juvia again, the one with the brightest smile and the purest heart. But it never happened. Juvia was gone and he was left alone.

The days kept passing and no matter how hopeful he woke up, reality would always catch up to him very quickly. He still didn't see Juvia anywhere around and the worry was eating away at him. He missed her. He missed her smile, the way she would greet him, the way she called out his name. He missed it all, every little thing about her. His thoughts had kept him up all night and after a lot of turning and tossing, he had finally made a decision. He would fix this and win her back, no matter what. Juvia was his girl and he wasn't going to just give up so easily. Gray had truly messed up this time, he was aware of that. But he will do anything to make it up to her. That was a promise.

Gray walked up to Gajeel, determination in his steps. If anyone knew where the water mage was, it would be her best friend.

"Hey Gajeel, you got a minute?"

"Look what we have here. If it isn't the stripper."

"Gajeel, be nice.." Levy gave him a pointed look, able to feel the tension between the two boys.

"You don't happen to know where Juvia is?"

"So now you care?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I can't help you so go bother someone else."

"Seriously?" Gray was growing impatient. He needed to know where Juvia was, the sooner the better. This iron head over here was no help whatsoever. Why did he bother asking him in the first place?

"Look, I really need to talk to her. It's very important."

"You plan on fixing things?"

Gajeel didn't show it openly, but he had a good heart. Gray being one who doesn't like to show his emotions either, knew that. And he knew that Gajeel would do anything for Juvia, despite always calling her the annoying rain woman. They were best friends after all.

"Juvia went on a mission."

"With who?"

"By herself. She insisted on going alone."

The way Gajeel said that didn't sit well with Gray at all. And by the way the dragon slayer was looking at him, he wasn't too fond of it either.

"I don't know what kind of mission it is, she didn't really say much. She's been pretty distant lately, avoiding almost everyone and staying silent on every trip. But going alone on a mission is a new one, even for that crazy woman."

It really was a new one. Even back in her Phantom Lord days, Juvia wasn't one to work alone. So heading out on a mission all by herself definelty was a warning sign that shouldn't be ignored. The worries Gray had kept growing. But there was nothing he could do now besides waiting for her to come back and praying that it wouldn't be too late.

The sun had set already when Juvia arrived back in Magnolia. The job had taken longer than expected, but she had finished it successfully. Although she had to admit that it wasn't the best idea to go by herself because it made everything much harder and also gave her too much time to think and that wasn't doing her any good lately.

Juvia approached Fairy Hills, desperately longing for a hot shower and her bed but stopped in her tracks when she saw a certain someone sitting on the bench in front of the building. It had been days since she last saw him and weeks since she last talked to him. He looked like a mess. There were bags under his eyes that indicated that he hadn't slept in a week. His hair was messy, like he had run his hand through it several times. Despite that, he still looked handsome, the most beautiful man Juvia laid eyes on. She considered turning around and walking away, but he spotted her before she had time to react, his dark eyes locking with hers and paralyzing her on the spot.

"Juvia!"

She couldn't avoid him forever, she was aware of that. She was angry, sad and hurt.. but she missed him. She missed him so much. Taking a deep breath, she prepared herself for the conversation that she could no longer postpone.

He had already stood up in a rush and was now standing in front of her. For a moment, they both stood in silence, looking at each other before Juvia nervously averted her gaze, looking anywhere but at the man in front of her. She couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye and opted for keeping her head low, eyes focusing on her shoes.

Gray wasn't sure where to start. There was so much he needed to say and yet no words came out. He wanted to punch himself. He had prepared for that moment so many times for the past weeks, overthinking every sentence and training in front of the mirror and now that he finally had a chance, he was messing it up. He needed to get it together. He scratched the back of his head, before taking a deep breath and deciding that he should, in Elfmans words, be a man.

"Juvia, I- I missed you." Gray wasn't going to hold back on his emotions. He promised he was going to be honest with her and he was going to keep this one at least. Juvia didn't give him an answer, but she didn't try to leave either so he took that as a sign to continue.

"Listen, I've been thinking about every thing, about what happened, what I did and what you said and.. I understand it. I understand why you feel this way, why you avoid me, maybe even hate me. You have every right to be angry with me. I messed up.."

Juvia wanted to interrupt him. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. But she bit her tongue. She had to stay strong, she couldn't just run back into his arms and pretend everything was good, not yet at least. Although that was exactly what she wanted to do.

"Juvia, I am truly sorry. I have done a lot of things in my life I'm not exactly proud of, things I regret. But leaving you, hurting you, that is the one thing I regret the most, one thing that will haunt me for the rest of my life. My excuses for leaving you don't matter, what I did was simply wrong. I should have never left you all by yourself, without a word. You have been on my mind the entire time. I wanted to come back so many times, to check on you, but I didn't. I was a coward and I don't deserve you."

Taking a deep breath, Gray put his hands on Juvias shoulder. When the water mage finally looked up, it broke his heart all over again. The tears were running down her cheeks and she looked so hurt, so broken. But he couldn't stop yet, couldn't comfort her, he had to finish first and see where things would go from there.

"But I am selfish. I'm too selfish to let you go, to let you move on. I will do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness. I won't give up. I need you, Juvia. I need you by my side. Not seeing you this past weeks, it drove me crazy. I didn't realize how attached I had become to you, how big your role in my life had become. You broke the ice around me, pulled me from a darkness I wasn't aware I was in. You always used to say that I'm your hero, that I saved you. But it's not true. You are the one that saved me. I can't let go of you, Juvia. You are my world and I need you. I'm sorry I didn't give you an answer sooner. I'm sorry you had to get hurt for me to realize how stupid I am. I was being a coward. I'm not good enough for you, but I promise to do better, become a man worthy of you. I'll do whatever it takes. Because I think-"

Gray took a step closer and put his hand on Juvias cheek, wiping away a tear that was rolling down. He took her hand in his, bringing it up to his face and placed a kiss on the inside of her wrist.

"I think I love you. No, that's not right. I don't just think so, I'm sure. I'm in love with you. I can't stay away from you because I'm better when I'm with you. You make me happy, the way I feel when I'm with you.. it's different. It's good. I- I love you, Juvia."

He wasn't holding back anymore. If there was anyone he'd pour his heart to, it is Juvia. And no matter how she'd react, he won't regret being honest with her. For a moment neither of them said anything, just gazing into each other's eyes. His heart was hammering against his chest and Gray was sure Juvia could hear his heartbeat.

"Juvia missed you so much."

Juvia was done trying to be strong, trying to hold back. Gray had told her everything she wanted to hear and more. He was honest and showed her a side of him noone else was allowed to see, his vulnerable side. The tears were now falling like water falls and Juvia practically threw herself at Gray, hugging him tightly and burying her face in his chest. She had missed this so much, his scent, his warmth, him. She felt his arms coming around her and pulling her even closer. Gray leaned his head on hers. And after so long she felt like she was finally home.

"Please don't leave Juvia ever again."

"I won't, I promise you."

"Good. You know, Juvia wanted this for so long, but.. I thought you didn't want me."

"I do, I want you. Only you."

They stayed like this for a while, just enjoying each others presence before Gray let her out of his embrace, instead putting his hands on her waist and leaning his forehead on hers.

"Juvia."

"Hm?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"Juvia was wondering what you were waiting for.."

Gray flashed her a breathtaking smile before leaning in and finally locking his lips with hers. The kiss was slow and careful, like he was testing the water first, but they both melted into it soon and the kiss became deeper instantly. It was as if they were pouring every emotion they felt now and for the past weeks into it, the ache, the longing. Juvias arms went around his neck and Gray pulled her even closer, not leaving any space between their bodies. They didn't stop kissing until they were forced to, both being out of breath. Even then, they stayed close to each other, neither willing to let go.

"You know, your lips are very soft. I could kiss them all day."

Juvia giggled and give him a quick peek on the lips, teasing him. "Juvia wouldn't mind that."

Gray was grinning like a child that just got candy. He didn't remember ever being this happy. He finally had her back, Juvia was by his side again and this time, she knew how he was feeling. There was nothing more to hide. Juvia was his, just as much as he was hers and there was nothing in this world that would make him let go of her ever again. He had meant every word he said, he'd prove himself to her and become a better man. For her, he'd do anything.

"Juvia, I love you. I really do."

"Juvia loves you too, Graysama."