#so i will be playing during their streams as a long regular practice session i think

[depresseddepot]

last week I couldn't play for 15 minutes without getting fuck awful blisters on my fingers but today I played for two hours straight and didn't even get close to feeling like I needed to stop bc of the pain!!

[thefanficmonster]

All The Colors

Corpse Husband x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Colorblindness, Swearing

Genre: Fluff, Romance, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: The colors are not always seen but rather felt. Just like Y/N feels the colors through their best friend and boyfriend Corpse. That’s how they realize that what they can’t see is the most beautiful and genuine feeling in the world. The feeling of knowing something and someone so deeply.

Requested by my dear friend Lulu, who you might have known as greenieofshield. Unfortunately she’ll never get to read this fic and I’ll never forgive myself for not putting it out sooner but I’ll also never forgive the universe for being so cruel as to take her away so early. She was one of the best people I’ve ever met, always so full of optimism, always there to brighten up my day and make me smile. Always so strong and brave, never falling victim to the hate she received despite not being deserving of it. The world lost an angel the day she died and I as well as so many other people will forever miss her.

Love you and miss you with my whole soul and hear, Lulu. Hope they’re treating you right in heaven ❤

For what it’s worth, Y/N has never asked people to describe the colors to them. In their eyes that seemed like the equivalent of poorly patching up a wound: they could hear thousands upon thousands of descriptions of each color and still wouldn’t be able to imagine it. The descriptions would only make that worse to them. So to avoid feeling even more like they’re missing out they never asked.

However, that doesn’t mean they haven’t developed their own way to ‘visualize’ and imagine colors throughout the years. They’ve tried loads of different methods, few of which stuck around and not for long either. That is exactly why they frequently used to tell their friends: “You can’t paint me a rainbow with black and white and shades of grey and expect me not to feel like I’m missing out on something. Paint me the gloomy sky on a rainy day and only then we’ll be even cause you’re seeing the same greys I am.”

Little did they know how drastically their logic was about to change in the following years.

Speaking of said following years - they met Corpse who became one of their best friends in practically no time. And within just a few months of that friendship’s blossoming, a romance sparked. A romance their friends would jokingly refer to as ‘romance of a lifetime’. Maybe it was said jokingly but Lord knows they weren’t wrong in saying so because the two were completely head over heels for one another -s till are to this day - and never shied away from showing it.

Y/N and Corpse met through Rae who Y/N was staying with while on a little vacation to Los Angeles. To be even more specific here, the two met through a game of Among Us, the game responsible for many wonderful friendships since its release.

“Guys, guys, guys.“ Y/N said after sparking up a bickering session for falsely accusing ‘blue‘ of faking a task in Navigation during the final round for the day, “Here’s a little rule of thumb for whenever we play together again: don’t trust me if I accuse a color instead of a name.“ It’s safe to say that statement rose a few eyebrows in the Discord call, the confusion serving as amusement to them before they explained themself, “Oh, why that is? Hm, I don’t know, maybe cause I’m colorblind.”

Rae who was in on the scheme the whole time and was struggling to hold in her laughter finally snapped while the rest of the players were left processing the information that had been dropped on them.

“But you practically kicked our ass every single round?!“ Corpse said, amazement and confusion in his tone.

“Expect the unexpected from this schemer, take it from someone who’s known them for a decade now.“ Rae said, winking at her friend from across the room. Not failing to notice the blush on their cheeks while doing so though.

“Corpse, are you calling me a good liar?“ They poked a stick at him teasingly, desperately avoiding Rae’s gaze which widened the second she realized why her friend was so flustered by Corpse’s remark.

“Practically a con artist.“ He replied to them with a laugh, earning one from them in return.

And so they practically conned him into falling in love with them with their quick wit, sarcasm and cuteness. If someone is to ask Corpse if he expected to fall for Y/N, he’d probably say yes.

“They were like a magnet the moment they entered the lobby and started talking.“ He said once on a live stream in response to a question he received in the chat regarding Y/N, “It wasn’t hard at all, falling for them. What took me a while was realizing it. While I was referring to them as ‘best friend’ all my friends were rolling their eyes and going ‘Sure, bud.’ Just took me a bit to realize why.”

Luckily, it didn’t take him too long to grasp what his heart was actually screaming at him. Good thing they came to terms with it so soon too, otherwise they would’ve driven their friends insane.

Anyway, enough about what happened and what could’ve happened under one circumstance or another, what matters is the ‘here and now’ of their relationship. And trust me when I say it has never been better and it keeps getting better every day.

The beauty of what those two have is in the tiny every day things that they do for each other, the good morning texts even though the other person in probably just in the kitchen making breakfast while the other cannot find it in them to get out of bed; or it’s laced within the calls between them when neither of them are home or at least one of them is out and about, busy with a task they’ve probably been putting off for far too long. Don’t get me wrong though, the romantic gestures aren’t rare either. Random gifts are exchanged by them on regular intervals but one consistent and super romantic gesture that repeats a few times every year (of the two years they’ve been dating) is Corpse giving Y/N a bouquet of flowers.

A detail Y/N couldn’t help but take notice of was the fact that the bouquet was always made up of the same flowers with only small changes to the arrangement of them and maybe some tiny ones added too. Unfortunately, they aren’t artificial so they couldn’t have kept them thought they wish they could’ve. That being said, it goes without saying that those flowers mean the world to Y/N, the gesture actually - they know flowers are a common gift to give but anything they receive from Corpse is so special and makes them feel like the only person who’s ever received such a gift.

And so they got curious, they had to ask. They had to ask the question they never thought they’d actively ask considering their view of the topic. But they still did.

“Hey Corpse.“ Y/N spoke up out of the blue, breaking the silence that had fallen over them while they watched the movie they were only partially interested in given how exhausted they both were from devoting themselves to their respective tasks and responsibilities throughout the last few days.

Corpse hummed in response, the arm wrapped around their waist doing a little motion as if encouraging them to continue, his gaze immediately traveling down to his partner.

“What color are the flowers?“ They asked, gazing at the bouquet - a gift they had received from him for their birthday a few days prior - in the vase on the dining table.

They waited a few seconds but when they didn’t hear nor feel any sort of response from him they couldn’t help but look up at him. Upon doing so, they saw his small smile as his eyes too remained on the bouquet. “They’re black and white.“ He replied eventually, “Black roses and white daffodils.“ His gaze wandered away from the vase and down to meet theirs, “I don’t want you to think I’m seeing them in their ‘full beauty’ while you only see them in black and white. You are seeing them in their full beauty and not missing out on anything. They are absolutely beautiful black and white as they are.“

As a response to his answer, Y/N couldn’t suppress the growing smile on their face no matter how hard they tried. So they didn’t try at all, they let the smile lighten up their face before speaking up: “You’re a wonder, Corpse.” They said, pushing themself as upright as they could to be able to kiss his cheek. “However, you’re wrong.” They say when they pull away, smirking up at his confused expression, “My world was black and white until you came into it. You’re all the colors, Corpse. Your love’s red, joy’s yellow, sadness blue, chaos green. Love red. You’re all the colors and out of all the people that have tried to describe to me how they look, you have managed to do that just perfectly without even trying.”

Little did they know that’s exactly what he thinks of them - their world is black and white because all the colors live within them. Because they are all the colors.

And maybe they both are, seeing as how they came into each other’s lives exactly like the rainbow after the pouring rain.

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[parvulous-writings]

SFW alphabet// Obi-Wan Kenobi x reader

Request: There isn’t one- this is pure self indulgence. 

Submitted by:​ MEEEE

Genre/fandom: Fluff/Star Wars

Warnings:  None.

Summary: SFW alphabet for Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Not my gif

A - Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Obi-Wan is pretty damn affectionate- when you both are alone. In public, it is often a different story. That’s not to say he doesn’t sweet talk you quietly when you’re out and about, but he rarely holds your hand when in places that the Jedi Order could see you. When you are alone though, either in his quarters, your Coruscant apartment or elsewhere out of sight, he is one of the most affectionate people you’ve ever met, giving you so many hugs and kisses it’s hard to count. One of his favourite things to do, during slower days, he’ll sit in his favourite chair whilst he reads, letting you sit in a nearby chair, your hands linking you both together.  B - Best Friend (What would they be like as a best friend? Where does the friendship start?)

Quite simply, Obi-Wan is one of the nicest and fairest beings in the galaxy, and the very best friend should you put the effort in to get to know him- though, even if you don’t, he’s still extraordinarily kind hearted, and ever the gentleman.  The friendship would probably start when he’s assigned to protect you- and of course he politely introduces himself, and you’re drawn to his friendly and calming presence. 

C - Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He ADORES cuddles. All of them. In bed, in comfy chairs, standing up- anywhere, anyhow, so long as you aren’t discovered. Given half the chance, he would cuddle you to the end of time. He’s a big one for physical affection. A lot of his favourite moments with you are spent curled up together, talking about both everything and nothing, basking in each others company.  D - Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking, cleaning, ect?) Obi-Wan would love to settle down- and he was incredibly ready to leave the Jedi Order for you, but you told him to stay, at least for Anakin’s sake.  He is a marvelous cook- and you can’t convince me otherwise. You don’t go out for secret date nights, oh no, Obi-Wan cooks you a delicious home-made meal.  He’s also quite clean, doing all the chores around his quarters almost every day or when he gets the chance between training sessions, meetings and the missions.  E - Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) If he had to, he would try and let you down slowly. He would try not to make a show of it and explain calmly to you why he think it would be best for you to go your separate ways. It would break him inside, but he’d keep his composure until he was alone.   F - Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? Do they wanna get married?) He would like very much to get married to you 😊 you are his one and only living love, after all. He’d leave the Order for you, if you let him. Enough said, really. G - Gentle (How gentle are they both physically and emotionally?) Very gentle physically, very very gentle indeed. His touches are always so soft, as if he’s nervous that you’re only a dream, and if he’s too rough with you, you’ll suddenly poof out of existence. It’s quite sweet, actually.  H - Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it, and what are they like?) Like with cuddles, Obi is a pretty big hugger. His hugs are warm, and full of all the love he holds for you. You almost always catch his scent- the faint smell of spices, and it always calms you down, it’s soothing. His hands often find the small of your back and the back of your head, supporting you as well as keeping you close to him. I - I Love You (How fast do they say the “love” word?) Not particularly quickly- he tries to suppress his feelings at first, and it takes many weeks of being around you for him to even admit to himself that he liked you, not to mention how long it took for him to muster up the courage to admit his feelings for you.  Even after he admits his love for you, he usually only says the L word when he thinks it’s a special occasion- though he makes sure that you know he loves you in other ways.

J - Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What are they like when jealous?)

Obi-Wan doesn’t often get jealous- he understands the need for close friendships outside of your relationship. But there have been one or two instances where his emotions have gotten the better of him. When he’s jealous, he can get rather possessive. He doesn’t mean to- he truly doesn’t- but he’ll put his arm around your waist, pull you close to his side, whilst giving a very dark glare to send them a message. (He’ll try not to do this in front of Jedi, and has so far succeeded in that regard.)  K - Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) Obi-Wan’s kisses are often quite light and brief- as most of them are given in public. Kisses in private are much deeper, much more passionate, much longer. His favourite place to kiss you is the very tip of your nose, he doesn’t know why really, he just thinks it’s a very endearing place to kiss you. His favourite place to be kissed is just under his jaw, your lips just seem to press against his skin so nicely there.  L - Little Ones (How are they around kids?) Oh, Obi-Wan is a dream around children! He is a wonderful mentor to the younglings in the temple- a brilliant father figure for those who see him as such. Absolute father/husband material, I tell you.  M - Morning (What are mornings like with them?) They are sometimes few and far between, but... Imagine the most idyllic scene you can think of. Sunlight streaming through the window and lightly hitting your face, as the wonderful smell of breakfast hits your nose, rousing you from your slumber. There he stands, in his nightclothes with his back to you, as he cooks you a glorious breakfast. He turns to smile at you as you get up, moving over to quickly give you a morning kiss on the cheek.  That is a morning with Obi-Wan. N - Nights (How are nights spent with them?) Just as heavenly as the mornings. They’re quiet, more often than not, but they’re still wonderful. Though just as rare as the mornings, if not rarer, you both spend the first part of the evening watching the sun set, before dining together, and finally ending up in each others arms, talking nonsense till you both find  slumber.  O - Open (When do they open up about themselves?) Usually late at night, a month or so into your relationship. It’s not about what most people would consider ‘secrets’, but to Obi-Wan these things are incredibly personal. He talks to you about the bond he had with his master, and how he felt when he lost him, he talks about how proud he is of Anakin, all of it. It takes a few weeks and countless late nights, but you’re both all the closer to one another for it.  P - Patience (How easily angered are they?) Man’s a Jedi. The King of patience. He doesn’t often get angry.  When he does, though... Yikes. He loses it. Thankfully his rage is almost never directed towards you. 

Q - Quizzes (How much do they remember about you?) He remembers everything you tell him, down to the last detail. You mention something as a throwaway comment? I guarantee you he’ll be doing or purchasing something  to do with that little throwaway line. Every detail goes into his head and never leaves.  R - Remember (Favorite memory with you?) A time he found you entertaining the younglings whilst waiting for you. You seemed so happy, your eyes sparkling and full of life, glinting as you laughed. He leant against the wall, just watching you as you played with them, letting them embrace their childhood for a little bit longer. It is something he’ll often play it over and over again in his head when he’s watching you sleep. 

S - Security (How protective are they?) Obi-Wan knows you have to fight your own battles, and he does try his best to let you do that, offering guidance if you need it. However, when he knows you’re out of your depth- whatever that may be- he will step in and defend you in whatever way he needs to.  T - Try (How much effort do they put in?) He puts in so much effort for you, trying to prove himself to you even though you constantly remind him he doesn’t need to. He also finds it his constant quest to make it up to you for not spending more time with you when in the Order. You tell him not to do that too, but he never seems to listen.  U - Ugly (What are their bad habits?) Apologising too much. For not spending enough time with you, for being late when he isn’t.. Little things. Little, pesky things. It started off sweet at first, but quickly you found it to be a little bit of a problem.  V - Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) Not really that concerned. He keeps himself clean of course, he has more than enough decency for that, but he’s not really that fussed. He’ll pay more attention to small things- like the style of his hair or how he wears his robe- if he wants to impress you, but he’s not exactly vain. W - Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) Oh he would definitely feel incomplete without you. He misses you deeply when on missions- and even goes as far to use his holocom to contact you when far off and he can’t bear not hearing your voice anymore.  X - Xtra (Random HC) Obi-Wan is an absolutely divine cook. You want a meal that the canteens or cafeteria don’t do a good job on? Say no more, he shall provide for you. He’d cook practically anything for you, just to see you smile.  Y - Yuck (Things they don’t like either in general or a partner?) Obi-Wan isn’t particularly fussy when it comes to partners, however there is one thing that almost always has to be there. Manners. Otherwise, you may just have a few ettiquete lessons from Master Kenobi. Z - Zzz (Sleep habits)

Obi-Wan is usually a sound sleeper, and has a regular sleeping pattern. This pattern is only slightly taken off track when you sleep in the same bed as him, and he’ll spend at least half an hour running his hands through your hair as you sleep, admiring the blissful smile that crosses your lips. 

[caffeinatedowlbear]

Wrote My Way Out, the 2021 Edition - aka Last Year's Creative Work, Summarized

Disclaimer: this is a more quantitative than qualitative summary, and when it comes to creative work, numbers mean very little at the end of the day. I'm absolutely eschewing any external numbers in this post: even though there are some reader stats that felt like a milestone and made me smile, they're ultimately something out of my control, and not something I'd like to focus on.

I did, however, choose to include two figures I did have a reasonable degree of control over: my total written word count (for prose), and total hours I put into creative work in 2021. And sure, even these numbers are just that. The word count itself says nothing about the meaning and value of the stories formed of those words. The total number of hours poured into that work doesn't show the moments of despair or triumph, the days I was on a roll, or working my way out of a rut, or writing through personal tragedies. However, the total number of hours is meaningful to me because it is a testament (from me, for me) to the importance of my creative work in my life. And my year's word count, which someone might consider impressive, and someone else, deeply middling, helps me visualize the amount of writing I've done. Both figures are under the "read more" and can be easily avoided if you, like me, are prone to Compare and Despair Syndrome.

In terms of creative work, my 2021 turned out to be almost as prolific as 2020 (which was a bit of a personal writing renaissance, so an outlier, really). Not only did I write a lot, but I also ventured into two new creative mediums: planning and hosting a tabletop RPG campaign, and writing+coding interactive fiction.

I also experimented with adding some accountability to my creative process, by hosting writing streams and attending virtual coworking sessions. Both were a pretty freaking brave step out of my comfort zone (historically, I'm the kind of writer who works best alone and doesn't show anything but the finished work to the world), but both proved useful for me.

Lessons learned? The biggest one was probably that I have a fairly fixed number of hours I can put into creative work per year without running myself into the ground. As seen by the fact that I did a similar amount of creative work in a year with fairly regular freelance paid gigs as in a year featuring a six-month sabbatical from work. Fair's fair.

Stuff I Did: a List

Writing (prose): it's all Rhack fic, y'all

Completed fics:

Hey, Handsome - let's talk about Jack's trauma re: Vault scar

Meet Me Halfway - Christmas fluff wrapped in corporate espionage

Belonging - Fallout AU fluff

Get Me Home - AI Jack POV during Tales from the Borderlands

Fair Turnabout (started in 2020, completed in 2021) - smut

Works in progress:

Lost and Found (chapters 18-34) - post-Tales fix-it with tons of character

Shadows (chapter 1) - an unexpected Don't Starve Rhack AU

Other creative work:

Tabletop RPG planning for an ongoing campaign set in a setting inspired by The Long Dark, played to the (heavily homebrewed) Monster of the Week rule set

Teaching myself how to write and code interactive fiction: produced a practice game, started on a longer project

Stats and charts because I'm a nerd:

Total wordcount of the prose writing c. 122,000

Hours poured into creative endeavors in total (not counting hosting tabletop sessions): 325

[foxtailapp]

All About Mental Health in BDSM Dating

This post is originally from Pleasure Uncensored by Foxtail. It can be found here.

BDSM dating can have an effect on a person's mental health. To understand, you must first understand what BDSM is.

  What is BDSM Dating?

  BDSM dating refers to dating in a subculture based on various rules and restrictions related to the interactions between people to meet sexual needs. BDSM stands for bondage, sadism, masochism, domination, and submission.

  These concepts comprise three relationship pairs: BD - bondage and discipline, DS - Dominant- submissive, and SM - sadomasochism.

  In general terms, BDs are time-limited sessions with a variety of practices and strict delineation of roles. Fixation, sensory deprivation, role-playing - all this refers to the BD. But, as a rule, this type of relationship with role-playing games and educational programs doesn't go beyond the bedroom.

  DS assumes a prolonged transfer of power over all or (more often) some areas of life. Example: The big boss of the house is subordinate to his wife in everything, including the need to wear thongs with flowers and go to the gym. Submission and domination can be both in the bedroom and extended a lifetime.

  SM is a painful stimulus to get pleasure. The sadist likes to torture, and the masochist enjoys to suffer.

  The main thing to understand is the fundamental principles of BDSM; without rules, it can turn from an exciting game into ordinary violence.

  A basic rule of BDSM is SSC which means Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

  How do you interpret SSC in BDSM?

    Safe = SECURITY.

  All parties involved will make every effort to preserve their physical and mental health.

  Sometimes it is complicated to avoid injuries: ropes pinch nerves, and blood vessels, games with breathing are fraught with suffocation, illiterate flogging leads to skin damage and internal organs. Thus, the main thing that a sane sadist starts with is the study of anatomy and safety.

  Sane = MIND.

  Life is not limited to games, and the participants in the process are adequate. This means you must have responsibility for what is happening, even if you are in a lower role. For example, the principle of safety in SM is impracticable without a sober assessment of one's own capabilities, regular monitoring of health status, and informing a partner about all potential problems.

  Consensual = VOLUNTARY

  Everything that happens, even the most painful and disgusting, happens according to an active and unequivocally expressed desire. This is one of the reasons why session scripts and practices are discussed in detail in advance. Otherwise, there can always be reticence, and game violence will turn into reality.

  Who likes BDSM?

    When psychologists began to study natural BDSM dating communities, a lot of exciting things turned out. People who practice BDSM are psychologically healthier than those around them. Typically they are more extroverted, more open to new experiences, less neurotic, and less prone to a range of mental disorders, for example, from depression to anxiety, paranoia, and (surprise!) pathological sadism.

  According to various estimates, 20% of the world's population is inclined to BDSM. These people use bondage, masks, and blindfolds. Unlike paraphilias like fetishism, BDSM attracts both women and men equally. Participation in BDSM, as a rule, does not cover the experience of childhood trauma and violence.

  BDSM practices do not interfere, and in some cases, even help establish close and trusting relationships between partners.

  Most people view BDSM as reckless, dangerous, and unhealthy, a phenomenon whose representatives are allegedly mentally ill people. However, this is actually not the case: BDSM is just a sexual preference that can benefit health.

      BDSM Dating and Mental Health

  Recent research on BDSM and its effects on the body has shown excellent results. Scientists find no evidence of harm caused by the psychosocial subculture of BDSM, but they are finding that it does have health benefits.

    Funny games of dominance and submission

  How do BDSM practices affect the psyche?

  In addition, researchers note that such practices can have a stimulating effect on self-awareness. For example, they connect the practice and mindfulness meditation, known to have beneficial effects on mental and physical health and reduce anxiety.

  Apparently, pain during BDSM practices helps focus attention on the sensations we are experiencing and immerses us in a meditative state and thereby helps to relieve tension.

  Studies of people practicing light BDSM practices did not reveal they have serious psychological problems. Moreover, in comparison with the control group, many respondents noted a higher level of subjective satisfaction with life. True, we are talking primarily about those who choose the dominant role or switch (they switch between dominant and submissive).

  Those in the submissive (i.e., subordinate) position reported less life satisfaction compared to dominant people. This is another reason to always pay attention to the psychological state of the participants in the process - and if the practices are not enjoyable, they should definitely be abandoned.

  Games of submission and domination require a certain level of intimacy. The willingness to trust a partner and allow himher to hurt himselfherself a little (with the ability to stop at the first signal), as expected, increases the level of trust in a stable pair.

  A slight fear develops into more excitement and interest in a partner.

  How can BDSM help?

  Fans of complex games claim that some perversions help eliminate anxiety, momentary worries, an endless stream of thoughts from which the head is spinning.

  Playing BDSM games involves the person in specific spaces that affect the person's state of consciousness.

  What is sometimes called the "topspace" is a beautiful place characterized by focused attention, optimal performance, and loss of self-awareness. Try it yourself, see how much you will be focused on your partner and what is happening at the peak of arousal.

  According to lovers of kinky sex, the whole room seems to disappear during their pleasures, leaving only the bed. Nevertheless, it is a poignant pleasure.

  There is also an alternate state that most people know about as "subspace." It is a light sense of submission. This condition is characterized by a decrease in pain, tension, and a return to complete peace and serenity.

  If you have had problems with your nervous system, BDSM dating can be a pleasant way to relieve symptoms.

  Another life hack: if a person suffers from heightened emotionality, spanking can be used for therapeutic purposes. How does it work? Impact pain creates the conditions for emotional release, for example, tears. This can be an effective but temporary solution.

  Should you try BDSM? It Depends.

  It would be best if you were more honest with yourself. Leave the imposed moral principles, and try for a moment to imagine yourself in the role of master or subordinate. Undoubtedly, many have experienced a slight excitement from just the thought of this, which is not surprising.

  A person does not have sex for procreation but for pleasure, so why not get the most of it? Role-playing games, toys from a sex shop, submission, and domination - all this variety in bed will help you get new sensations previously unknown. So when should you try BDSM?

  Long-term marriage in which people no longer feel the need to make love. This phenomenon is widespread everywhere, and it's just that people have become boring to each other.

    Lack of sex leads to moral and physical dissatisfaction, quarrels begin, and just everyday life becomes monotonous. To get a taste of life again, try BDSM.

  Dissatisfaction with regular sex. Many people complain that they are not satisfied with the sex. So, it's time not just to change the position but sexual intercourse as a whole.

  As we have already found out, BDSM allows you to get more aroused and get more pleasure from sex than an ordinary act.

  Stress and depression will go away if you use BDSM. Partners will be able to throw out negative energy during dominance and submission. By the way, the role doesn't matter - dominants and submissives alike get rid of negativity, and gain pleasure.

  So, what does BDSM mean?

  This is a standard sexual practice used by many couples (polls have confirmed). So, nearly all people cannot have mental disorders (right?), which means that it is simply stupid to classify BDSM as a perversion. You have to ignore public opinion and give your desires to the fullest.

  I recommend that you try this practice for a variety of relationships and mental relaxation. First, however, it is worth remembering a vital rule, BDSM is based on the voluntary consent of all parties involved.

  To prepare for such an experience, resolve to participate and not be influenced by a partner.

[xlady-saya]

an unconventional crossing [fic]

Relationships: andrew and aaron, andreil, kateaaron

Summary: Aaron likes to believe he and Andrew have a lot more practice navigating their conversations now. And he’s right, mostly. But sometimes, challenges arise at the strangest times, and especially when their significant others are concerned.

In which Andrew and Aaron run into each other at the grocery store, and choose not to part ways.

Tags: twin bonding, lots of references to how they’re whipped af, discussions of past abuse/addiction 

Read on ao3!

Aaron is only a little bit ashamed that his first instinct is to run far away when he turns the corner and sees his brother standing there.

At first, he thinks he might be dreaming. It's past nine on a school night, and the brightness of the store burns his already tired eyes. The switch from the darkness outside to the stark white tile and fluorescent lights makes Aaron squint. His brother is more like a grainy, black smudge in front of him, and Aaron lingers on the double knots of Andrew's combat boots and the shiny item in his hand. Soup. A can of soup. That's also what Aaron needs.

For Katelyn.

And like that, Aaron remembers why he's here. In fact, he's pretty sure there's dried snot on his sleeve where Katelyn mistook him for a tissue. It's disgusting, but given the bookstore fiasco of last year—which Aaron has repressed and will take to the grave—it's not the grossest thing they've witnessed from one another.

In sickness and in health and all that...he guesses it still applies to boyfriend and girlfriend, too.

It's why he's here now, prepared to stock up their mediocre medical supplies. It does not explain why Andrew is here. He looks around a few times, then looks back, and expects to be alone in the aisle. But Andrew is still there. Holding soup.

The grocery store is practically empty apart from a few people picking up alcohol or extra junk food for studying binges, which only adds to the dream-like quality of it all. This is...not where he's used to seeing Andrew—this is not how he's used to seeing Andrew. Which is nonsensical, because everyone needs groceries.

He kinda just figured Andrew survived off chocolate.

He clamps down on the urge to leave; it's an old, pathetic need, and one he no longer wants to encourage. He freezes in place instead, and reflects. Classic, he thinks, rolling his eyes. Aaron hates how much he listens to Bee now, but with all the leaps and bounds he and Andrew have made, random things can still be hard to navigate.

Grocery store trips, he guesses, are included in that.

The habit of bolting whenever his brother is in the same room as him is not one he likes, but it's a knee jerk reaction he hasn't completely gotten rid of. A ghost, latched onto his back. But that's okay, because he's sure it's the same for Andrew too. The need to keep Aaron at a distance, when they've been doing the exact opposite.

He spends a lot of time with Andrew now, more than he'd probably admit if asked. They study together, silently—that hasn’t changed. But even now there's an occasional greeting or a mutual scoff when someone in the library is being annoying. Andrew will help Aaron review his exam flashcards, or Aaron will form a post with his hands so Andrew can flick paper goals. They play videogames with Neil and Katelyn, they have lunch together… Their sessions no longer feel like a chore.

Standing in this soup aisle, Aaron realizes he couldn't have asked for more, would've never asked for even a fraction of it a few years ago. Now he can't imagine his life without Andrew slotting into it somewhere, whether it be on miniature golf double dates or Nicky's failed family baking nights.

It's startling, but not unwelcome.

Still, it's odd to see his brother looking so...normal. Silly.

Aaron is aware now that Andrew is a regular person with fears and wants, just with unorthodox methods, different roots...but he can't help but always think of the cool, blank stare. He thinks of Andrew leaning against a wall, smoking, not giving anyone the time of day. Including Aaron.

Especially Aaron.

It takes him a second to remember the nerd who sulked after getting beaten in Mario Kart, or the one who apparently threw up after Disneyland from one too many churros.

(Neil told them that story).

He certainly doesn't think of the man who walked all the way back to the dorm because Neil sent him a crying emoji and a 'I cut my finger' text.

But that's the real Andrew, too. There’s always more underneath all the closed off, reserved portions laced with barbed wire. Andrew has finally allowed Aaron to see that.

This Andrew is, once again, a far cry from cool and collected. This Andrew looks tired, not as put together. He's wearing wrinkled jeans that clearly need a wash, Neil's hoodie (stained), and seems .2 seconds away from throwing the store's entire inventory into a dumpster fire.

The spell is only slightly broken, and Aaron catches himself smirking.

His brother glares at the can of soup like it offends him, reading the label before putting it back on the shelf and grabbing a different brand to see if it's anywhere closer to his standards. Whatever the hell those might be.

Unfortunately, dating Neil has made his brother even more perceptive than before. Probably because Neil can smell trouble from miles away, and then he goes and seeks out said trouble to jab at it with a metaphorical stick. The stick is just an endless stream of cuss words and insults.

Needless to say, Aaron isn't able to enjoy this comical sight for long.

Andrew's gaze darts over to where Aaron is standing at the end of the aisle, and Aaron can see the exact same reaction run through him. The tension seizes his brother like a snare, and there's that all too familiar step forward, like Andrew is ready to turn around and disappear.

But then he doesn't. Andrew remembers what Aaron does, and then it's gone.

What they didn't account for was the awkwardness. Again, they aren't trained for grocery store encounters.

Andrew doesn't exactly nod at Aaron, but he inclines his head just so and turns back to the soup, staring into some void Aaron can't see. He's not sure if it's an invitation, but it's as good as he's going to get.

Aaron's sneakers squeak on the tile and he stumbles, but ultimately ends up at the edge of his brother's bubble, staring at the soup right along with him.

Progress.

Aaron sighs and grabs Katelyn's preferred brand. It's the chicken soup with the extra big chunks of chicken and the flatter noodles. Katelyn likes them because they're 'chewier,' and Aaron just thinks it's weird. But what she wants, she gets, because how is he going to deny his sniffling girlfriend as she whines miserably in bed?

Come to think of it, they're probably here for the same reason. With how much Neil and Katelyn see each other outside of games and general Fox gatherings, it would be no surprise if they both came down with the same cold.

Which means they probably need the same things. Soup, cold medicine, tissues.

Aaron freezes as he glances at the soup, feeling his brother's imposing presence beside him. For someone so obsessed with not being noticed or talked to, Andrew doesn't do a good job of hiding. He's like a cliff or a mountain, steady and bulky. A road block.

Aaron should leave. He has what he needs, so he can move on. He doesn't have to wait for Andrew; they don't have to shop together.

But then why does it feel so weird to weakly wave goodbye?

Aaron raises his hand only to stop mid-motion, thwarted by his own thoughts. Andrew tracks the movement. God, this is even more awkward now. They aren't usually like this anymore.

Maybe it's because they've realized the same thing.

Here they are, both making sweetheart runs in the middle of the night. It should be mortifying, but part of it feels strangely natural.

Probably because there's always a comfort in knowing they're the same in this way.

They both have their suffering partners waiting for them, but despite that, Aaron doesn't know how to broach the subject.

Bee's words from some faraway session echo in his head: "It might help the both of you to try talking about your partners with one another under more casual circumstances."

Aaron nearly scoffs, just like he did then.

Yeah, sure. It's the one area they're not great at, and it’s easier said than done.

It's not that he hates Neil anymore, and he has his suspicions that Andrew's opinion of Katelyn is at least a calm respect, though he's not sure when or how it happened. They spend time together as a group, and, in some cases, separately.

Aaron will tutor Neil or help him through difficult game levels, or Katelyn will be the one to help Andrew with the snack runs when they go to the movies. It's...fine.

No, it's great.

Aaron just still has a hard time acknowledging it.

But this? This they don't do. They don't talk about Neil and Katelyn together unless it's for therapeutic purposes during their sessions, and even then it's caked in wariness.

Aaron wonders if they're afraid of ruining the progress they've made by unintentionally starting a fight, but he's never known Andrew to be that caring of those things.

Perhaps it's simply too vulnerable, too exposed, to show how much they care. Even when it's so obvious.

Aaron notices Andrew finally settles on one of the more premium soup brands, and yeah, alright. Painfully obvious.

Aaron has always pushed that piece of Bee's advice away, procrastinating, because surely it can't be that important. But it is.

Ugh. It probably is.

So this time, rather than avoiding it, Aaron figures he might as well show Andrew up by taking the first stride. Talking about Katelyn is easy. She's everything to him; he could wax poetic all day about her. He knows her class schedule, her favorite subjects, her dreams.

With that in mind, Aaron confidently spins the can around at the same time he opens his mouth in Andrew's direction, and smoothly says, "You know, Katelyn likes soup."

And what a stride he takes.

Fuck me.

“Uh. When she’s sick, I mean. And other times but—that’s why I’m here. Sick soup.” The can falls from his hands and he barely catches it in time. He doesn't think he could add that to his mortification without giving up and running out.

It wasn't a lie. She does like soup, even if it's the really disgusting kind, but it's not a fact that evokes any groundbreaking emotions. It certainly doesn't bridge the gap.

Andrew turns to squint at him in that way—the precursor to a full on dismissal. Aaron's not sure why he's even still here, but maybe now his respect for Aaron now extends to telling him off with words. Aaron braces for it.

He watches the exact moment Andrew opens his mouth to tell Aaron he doesn't care, but it never comes. It's rare to see Andrew hesitate; someone so methodical and cautious doesn't tend to question his thoughts when he's sure of them.

But Andrew stops, mouth hanging open for a beat too long before snapping shut.

And Aaron doesn't know what it is, doesn't feel like blaming it on the twin telepathy theory...

He just knows Andrew remembers, same as him. Probably better than him.

Andrew can hear Bee's advice too, far away and obnoxious, ringing in his head.

His brother turns back to the soup can, smoothly over the ridges under the bright blue label. Hm. No, can't be. His brother isn't that sappy.

A few moments pass where Aaron can't move, kept in place by some invisible orbit, waiting for...something. Just that alone makes it all so surreal; he never used to expect anything from Andrew.

Yet, Andrew keeps surprising him with how much more he's willing to do now. For Aaron. For both of them. His brother sighs eventually, staring at the shelf in front of him, and begrudgingly replies, "Neil won't even admit he's sick. He didn't want me to come."

It's stilted, clearly forced out, but Andrew did it. He returned the gesture. And if there's one thing Aaron knows about his brother, it's that it's the closest thing he's going to get to a chance. Excited for some inane reason, Aaron almost doesn't process the words. But oh, he gets it. Neil is so fucking ridiculous, Aaron can't stand him. It makes sense his 'I'm fine' routine would stretch to this, too. Aaron almost wants to see the state of him, fever high and unable to move without his sweat sticking to the blankets.

His face sours, and the instinctive insult creeps to the edges of his mouth. Andrew watches, waits for it, and Aaron nearly bites his tongue to stop himself. Being hostile to Neil is more playful nowadays, but it's still a reflex. If he does that here...part of him just knows whatever is happening will effectively be cut short.

He clears his throat, rocking on the balls of his feet and willing his glare to go away.

"That...sounds like him," Aaron forces out. It's the best he can do, but it probably still sounds judgmental.

God.

Why are they so bad at this?

"He's an idiot," Andrew replies with a nod, so softly it almost doesn't sound like him. Aaron almost scoffs. Here he is trying to be considerate, but Andrew scolds his own boyfriend anyways. Aaron should've known better than to bother.

He slides his gaze over to his brother again, and that train of thought effectively stops. There's a tightness in Andrew's jaw, and an antsy quality to his stance. Aaron replays the words, and realizes Andrew's voice is different from the usual monotone, the uncaring inflection. It would be neutral still, to most people, but Aaron can sense that it's laced with something strong, self-directed. His brother's hands tighten around the can with a vice grip, and Aaron should really be better at detecting Andrew's concern by now.

Suddenly, he gets it. "He didn't want me to come."

It must be grating for someone like Andrew, who despite the vibe he tries to give off, does nothing but look after his own. It's the worst with Neil, because his motivation is borne from an intense emotion Aaron can't even associate with their relationship. It's too much, too theirs. He feels uncomfortable trying to define it when he's never heard Andrew actually say the three words.

Still, it's all consuming. It's real.

Nauseatingly so.

And it must be particularly infuriating, because Andrew's need to protect Neil isn't the result of a deal at all. He wants to. Wow, he probably hates that he wants to.

It only gives Aaron some satisfaction; it is Neil they're talking about.

Andrew's frustrations bleed through the cracks a little more, and he harshly brushes a hand through his bedhead. "His cold is just going to get worse if he keeps it up."

Ah, so they're still sharing. Aaron can do that. It's a welcome distraction; he can only take so much of thinking about his brother's intimate relationship with the most infuriating person on the planet.

Aaron looks down at the tile, lining his feet up with the edge of the blocks as if he's walking a tightrope. "Katelyn tried to go to class this morning. She didn't want to miss her lecture," he says, and tries to act like it's no big deal. He sways a little, and swallows the lump in his throat, because these are not things he gives away to anyone. It's just as exposing; as soon as he'd found out, he'd walked her back to her dorm and helped her change into pajamas. She passed out almost instantly, her fever spiking. Too much care, too much worry. Aaron had paced the floor a good twenty minutes, debating an urgent care visit.

He's just as pathetic as Andrew, but he wouldn't dare stop if it means looking after Katelyn. He bites his lips and shrugs, as if it's not as emotionally revealing as it is. It probably doesn't work. "I was so mad. Uh, you know how it is."

No kidding—they both just accidentally revealed it. Aaron never thought 'hopelessly enamored' would ever be associated with his own feelings, much less Andrew's.

But there's really no other explanation with that one.

"Oh?" Andrew tilts his head, as if daring Aaron to continue. It's dangerous territory, but that's what they deserve for addressing an old therapy issue in the middle of a grocery store. They might know their feelings are the same, but verbally acknowledging how is a different matter.

So continue, Aaron does. Neither of them are getting out of this one.

Won't Bee be proud?

Petulantly, Aaron glares, and loses his balance on the wire. He promptly spirals down. "Yeah, well… You want to take care of Neil too, right?"

It's a dare, a provocation. It's also ill-advised, but he can't be more mature in every way. There's no way Andrew can refute it and have Aaron believe him. He's been trapped into the truth.

Andrew tenses and glares back, expressive for how much he tries not to be. Aaron is more used to that now too. On the subject of his striker, his brother can't keep up the expression. It melts back into a reluctant calm, and his sigh is relenting.

Right.

A store intercom rings above them, something about how they really need someone up on registers. It's grounding in a way; Aaron grabs a few more cans and stubbornly throws them into the basket by Andrew's feet.

They're in too deep at this point. This is now a joint trip, as painful as it may be. Andrew looks down at the basket, which as of now holds both their soup choices and a candy bar Andrew must've snagged along the way.

Andrew squints, looking back up at Aaron, and surprise, surprise...

"I need the extra strength cough syrup."

He avoids answering altogether.

Aaron sighs; he saw that coming, but Andrew's trapped himself unknowingly.

"That's more expensive, you know," Aaron says, a playful lilt to his tone.

Andrew glares, but he must admire Aaron somewhat for the payback, because he finally admits: "It's better for him, it's also the only one with the flavor he tolerates," Andrew grits out, and no amount of bravado can make that sound anything less than....oh, completely fucking whipped.

So, Andrew gives some more as a war prize. "I need the tissues with the lotion too."

Aaron suppresses his snort (also, for real, those can't be necessary), and dutifully leads them to the next aisle.

--

Andrew ends up convincing him that the lotion tissues are superior, so one point for him or whatever.

They still don't know how to do this, and they don't get a lot better at it over the course of the following forty-five minutes, but they continue dropping the most mundane facts in hopes it doesn't give too much away.

But it always does.

Andrew makes a sharp turn with the sole intention of making the basket stab Aaron in the knee, and Aaron kicks it in return. Then he realizes where they are, and the words pour like shots.

He wonders if it's a consequence of therapy, that he ends up flaying himself open for Andrew in the hopes that he'll be given honesty in return. He's learned that lately, it's more effective than he once thought.

"Katelyn...hasn't been drinking much lately," he starts slowly when they pass through the alcohol aisle. It's a far cry from the boring 'favorite color' facts he's been trading thus far, but it hits him like a blow. It's not that it hasn't been on his mind, he just hasn't had a chance to talk it out because...

Part of him kind of doesn't want to. The person he talks to is Katelyn, and he's not quite ready for this discussion.

But tonight's that kind of night.

The aisle is a shortcut, nothing more than a connector to the medicines on the far side, but Aaron falters. The brands and bottles all stir up confusing memories for him, some fun, some not so much. The colored glass warps his expression like liquor warps his mind, and his body is already swimming through molasses to keep up.

Mixing drinks with what he used to do was never smart, and Aaron's thankful he's where he is now. He's not so reckless, but he indulges from time to time. Katelyn used to also, but lately she's been finding more reasons not to. And that's okay. He's never pushed or questioned it, but he can't help but wonder. He pauses in front of the daiquiri mixes. Katelyn's favorite.

The action makes Andrew wait for him, regarding him from the end of the aisle for a long moment. Then, in another act that shouldn't surprise Aaron but does, Andrew comes back for him.

Aaron's closed throat feels less tight. What did he call Andrew earlier? A road block. No, maybe he's more like...a steel beam, every once in a while. Supportive, but it could crush him in an instant. It's not Andrew's intent, but he'll take it. "I know she's never been a drinker, but part of me thinks it's because she worries about me."

And there it is.

He's aware he should be angry, just a little. But he can't be, because the worry and judgment come from a place of honesty, commitment. Aaron won't say he hasn't had the same fear—the fear of falling back down a different hole of addiction. He's better now, more responsible. He couldn't imagine ruining their lives like that, but he and Katelyn are pragmatic people. He knows it's hard to keep control in those circumstances, to rise above once he's caught in the trap. It wouldn't be all his fault, but he's susceptible and they both know it. She would stand by him as much as she could, but Aaron's honestly not sure if he would want her to if it ever came down to that.

That's not fair, and that's why he's determined to not let it happen.

Katelyn's precaution, intentional or subconscious, is just her protecting him in return. It's what they need to work on, what they need to talk about, before it's twisted into a misunderstanding.

But revisiting old wounds is not what Aaron is good at. At least, not right away.

He's not expecting Andrew to say anything; it's not his business and his black and white worldview probably prevents him from seeing it that way. In his mind, Katelyn is in the wrong and that's all that matters.. If anything, Aaron expects that statement, but then—

"She shouldn't," Andrew says, nearly admonishing. Aaron's gaze snaps up, and Andrew glares at the bottles in front of him to avoid meeting his eyes. He'd usually grab that particular brand of whiskey, but today he doesn't. Then, after a moment: "Knowing her obnoxious levels of optimism, she's probably trying not to. But that's her problem."

Andrew’s words are strained, but no less meaningful. He doesn't do comfort, and that's not what this is. Aaron knows a few things in that moment; the first is that Andrew definitely does not agree with Katelyn. That's fine. He never asks his brother to understand everything about his relationship anymore. Aaron certainly doesn't understand parts of Andrew's. The second thing, arguably the aspect he cares about more, is that Andrew clearly knows something Aaron does not.

Andrew isn’t offering a pat on the back, only what he knows to be factual.

He feels involuntarily exposed this time, and forgets that sometimes it's simply the way it has to be to move forward. Aaron nearly growls. "How—"

But Andrew simply sends him a look that reads don't ask. Aaron should know the answer.

Neil.

It's been a while since Aaron has felt a sharp slap of disdain for the redhead, but it shoots through him in the moment before fizzling out. Of course. Why wouldn't Neil know? Why wouldn’t Neil confide in Andrew about it?

Aaron always liked to think it was a shared strength, that he and Andrew could trust their partners so completely, give or take some setbacks. But it seems this time he's the one lagging behind.

He glares at the floor. He doesn't know how to feel. Why Neil possibly knows about this issue before he gets to address it himself is something he wants to feel rage over, but he just can't. It's not like confronting Neil at the cabin or in the dorm hall. He doesn't have the energy, and he knows he doesn't want to.

It's not...like that anymore.

Just knowing Katelyn has someone to talk to is enough, because that only means eventually, she'll talk to him too. And can he blame her? Here he is, telling Andrew.

Andrew, who feels as much sympathy as a log on most days, is still trying his best to give Aaron the truth.

Leave it to Andrew to rip off the bandaid, and Aaron feels the sting. But he needed it. It's the only thing that reminds him it'll eventually be okay.

It's quiet for a few moments as Andrew looks back at the bottles, tracing the curvy scripts. There's a steadily building tension in his frame; at first, Aaron thinks it's repressed hostility towards Katelyn, but far from it.

Andrew's struggle to give in the same way is all too apparent in his words.

"Neil and I drink sometimes, just when we're together," Andrew forces out evenly. He reaches out to spin one of the security tags on a particularly large bottle of vodka, tracing the ears of the rabbit logo afterwards. Aaron flinches a little; he didn't know that. His brain catches up just enough, letting him know that Andrew is giving this to him in return for his own vulnerability, so he should at least listen. Flexing his jaw, Andrew's tone loses some of the smoothness. "Last time...something happened. With me. He's been hesitant ever since."

It sounds like Andrew is chewing glass, and Aaron knows better than to ask for an elaboration on the ‘what’ that happened. Hell, Andrew exposing the reason for his and Neil's weekend getaways is most likely more than Andrew wanted to share in the first place.

Andrew won't answer anything Aaron asks, but he reads into it enough. "You miss it," he says, and again it feels like they're on a level playing field.

Andrew glares his usual 'I don't miss anything' glare, but doesn't actually say the words. Instead, he turns back in the direction of the medicine aisle, and throws the words over his shoulder.

"I hate losing control," he states. "Neil is a reason I hate it less."

Translation: Yes, I miss it. But Neil is just as stupidly worried as Katelyn.

It goes unsaid that they ended up with worry warts for partners. Aaron gives up trying to analyze anymore; there are things about his brother and Neil that are impossible to grasp. But Aaron is learning more and more that their relationship has similar flaws to his own, that they have their own challenges to wade through.

And if one of them can manage, so can the other.

Aaron walks away from the aisle feeling less stuck—the quicksand around his ankles turns to water, easy to wade through.

He's not sure how many more of those confessions he's going to get, but he won't take them for granted.

Later, when they're passing through the candy section for Andrew's stockpile, the facts turn lighter. "Katelyn only eats the red starbursts, it's cute," he says, unable to hide his dreamy smile as he throws the red starbursts pack into the basket. She won't be able to taste them yet, but whatever, it'll be a welcome reward in a few days when her sniffles are gone.

Instead of the apathy and dismissiveness, Andrew holds the gummy bears in his hand at arm's length. Like they offend him. Aaron was wondering why he's even considering them. They're not even close to Andrew's usual brand of cavity inducers.

"Neil never finishes his gummy bears," Andrew says, and seethes a little over the word 'his.' Of course, it's Neil's fault that Andrew has to spend money on the bland treats Neil doesn’t even love. But Andrew puts them in the basket anyways. "Last time he was bored, so we built a fake set for them."

Aaron blinks, following after Andrew towards the registers. "Like...for a play?"

"It helped him study for his lit exam."

Somehow, it's impossible for his brain to conjure up an image of Andrew building a gummy bear Shakespeare set, but he supposes weirder things have happened. He wonders if Andrew indulges Neil by doing voices, or if he recites the lines in his normal dull monotone.

Aaron hides a smirk at the thought. "Nerds."

He takes them back to the medicine aisle last minute due to the guilt tripping from Andrew for buying the cheaper brand of cough syrup, and figures he might as well stock up on bandages too. Exy is a violent sport, and he's not quite sure why he plays it.

"Bandages are over there," Andrew says, pointing deliberately at where Aaron is clearly already looking. Dick. "Don't buy the cheap brand, they gave Neil a rash."

Aaron scoffs. "Guess you would know best, with how much your boy gets scraped up," he says, but he still listens. Once more, he notes that Andrew's suggestion is several dollars more. He really does spare no expense on anything, especially for his boy toy—boyfriend. Boyfriend.

"He's never as bad as the other person," Andrew remarks offhandedly, but Aaron gets stuck on the comment. Before, he used to not pay attention to anything Andrew said that didn't make sense to him, writing it off as unimportant. It's amazing what he can pick out now that he actually processes the words. In this case, it's thinly veiled praise for his violence-prone boyfriend.

Aaron's no idiot; Neil has to at least be somewhat capable at throwing a punch, and who knows what else.

It's appealing, watching someone you love trade blows. Aaron himself never fails to feel a rush of adrenaline and adoration when Katelyn rushes to his defense.

It would make sense for Andrew to enjoy watching Neil be his typical chaotic self. But for whatever reason, that logic doesn't compute with what he knows about Andrew's protective streak—especially where Neil is concerned.

And since he doesn't know how to put that all into words, he says: "I don't know how you don't kill anything that tries to touch him."

That's how he thought it worked, how he's seen it work. So why all the fuss about letting Neil fight his own battles, when it's clear it eats at Andrew like a vulture picking at his intestines?

Andrew regards him slowly, looking at him like he's grown two heads. Right, because Aaron is supposed to be able to parse through all their weird layers. He rolls his eyes.

"I will when he asks," Andrew responds calmly, and before Aaron can open his mouth he holds up a hand. "And he does."

Again, a warning laces his tone: don't ask.

Aaron huffs. Fine. He guesses he'll believe it for now. Come to think of it, he's been seeing less and less of Neil's insistence to handle shit on his own. Just the other week, he seemed to give up too easily when arguing with a jock from another team, and Andrew had stepped in a moment later.

He had thought Neil looked a little too happy about that.

Tracking him still, Andrew shrugs in such a careless way that he'd think Neil had taken over his body. "I know he doesn't need it. And yes, it's annoying."

Aaron's not so sure. It's scary how Andrew can read his mind sometimes, can connect the dots of the intricate roadmap between them. He sees things from a distance, sees it all, while Aaron is the one who forces them to actually zoom in and take in the landscape. Piece by piece, he forces them to explore.

"So why do it?" he asks, frustrated, but Andrew only picks up the blue can of chicken noodle and waves it in Aaron's face.

"Soup."

Fine, don't tell me.

He figures this is just Andrew's way of saying he's done with the abnormal sharing for the night, but then he realizes. Soup. Motherfucking soup? Aaron had said—

"You want to take care of Neil too, right?"

Son of a bitch. Does Andrew always have to be so cryptic and non-linear?

That's the explanation. It's the obvious one, the one Aaron could already infer. But the confirmation is staggering. Andrew wants to protect Neil; more than that, he likes to. That's the difference. He never would've admitted that before. It doesn't matter how capable Neil is or how appealing it is to see him fight. At the end of the day, they both have some weird thing about it.

Aaron feels nauseated. He’s learned too much. Again.

"Is that really so hard to say, Andrew?" Aaron huffs the next moment though, so he guesses he must be more upset than he thought. "You know, I'm trying here."

He only has so much tolerance for his brother's ways. He can detect them better now; he can see the ins and outs. But sometimes it's tiring. Sometimes he wants to be given things in the same straightforward way he gives them. It's childish, it's selfish, but fucking hell, Aaron isn't perfect. He knows it won't happen, but if they're still being truthful, then Aaron can at least let Andrew know that it's hard sometimes.

It's hard to do this, but it's worth it. So he won't stop. Andrew just has to put up with his bitching every now and again.

At 10 p.m., he's reached his limit.

Andrew beats him to it, throwing up a barrier for Aaron's rage to smash into and fizzle out into nothing. "Are you going to scream your undying love for Mrs. Minyard to me, then?" he asks, and Aaron jumps back. Andrew's anger simmers, barely, but his words are cutting. "I am trying too."

They've both been trying so damn hard the past year. And for what?

Well—for a lot, actually. They've certainly gained more than they've lost.

And like that, Aaron's made Andrew give more than he was maybe willing to tonight. The guilt sits somewhere in his gut, but he can't regret it. Because Andrew still confessed. Andrew still held out his hand, just a little. Like he's been doing for months.

Aaron can't begin to imagine how horrible it must be, for someone like his twin to acknowledge the effort he's putting in. It sounds ridiculous, but Aaron should get it better than anyone right? That it's hard to admit you have faith in something when not much in your life ever lasted before.

Taming his own outburst, Aaron clenches his fists at his sides. Slow, measured. "I know, but—"

"You're suddenly so hung up on listening to Bee, what happened to her affinity for patience?" Andrew says, nearly mocking, but Aaron knows it's not some flippant comment. He means it. He's telling Aaron to back off, and while he respects it most days, he feels too close to a revelation to listen.

This is never easy, and it shouldn't be. Not for them. They always knew that, even before they were fully convinced they could get any farther than silent videogame marathons and nods from across the room. Before they thought they would ever keep in touch past college.

Now, Aaron knows there's no way they won't. They're just...fighting. They're having a typical, moronic squabble. It's not a setback, it's not a threat. Aaron has to repeat that over and over in his head, and it somehow makes snapping back less menacing.

"Asshole," he bites out. "You just want to get out of it. You know it's...it's fine to just say those things, it's—"

"Normal?" Andrew asks, and yup, that's definitely mocking. Aaron's not sure what that means, what's in Andrew's head about the word or Aaron's connection to it, but it doesn't matter.

"Yes," Aaron says with a laugh, disbelieving. He paces to the end of the aisle and back. He knows he's just as thick headed, and that's what hurts the most. Embarrassing. "It's normal to just admit you think your dumb boyfriend is cute, and talk about him because to be honest, it's obvious already how much you want to!"

It's potentially unfair; he never expects normalcy from Andrew. He doesn't want it anymore, apart from getting to act like brothers and argue without the fear of exploding and fucking up everything. Aaron wouldn't dare ask Andrew to be normal in any situation, but this is different. He's not saying it's normal or necessary for society's standards, or because other people do it. He's saying it's fucking normal because Andrew wants it to be. Hell; Aaron's been watching his twin bite his tongue and keep back details from Aaron all night. No shit, Andrew will never share the private feelings—the ones he keeps close, just between himself and Neil. But goddamn, if he wants to tell Aaron about Neil's weird gummy bear Macbeth monologue, he should just go for it.

For a while, Andrew stands there, tight lipped, until finally: "I don't care what's normal." For a brief moment, Aaron thinks he's lost this round, that the point escaped Andrew completely. But his twin is smart. Stubborn, and infuriating too. But smart. With a sigh, Andrew relents, though not without resistance in his voice. "I care...that it's us."

Aaron holds his breath, waiting for Andrew to refute it or storm away. But he doesn't, and Aaron can exhale.

Yes, duh. Neil and Andrew...no one will ever mistake them for anything remotely close to normal. They've built their own version of it though, and Aaron only hopes that in time Andrew can expand the definition to include this. That he'll be able to indulge himself however he wants, like Aaron does with Katelyn. That he'll be able to talk about Neil without worrying about how it reveals his feelings. Because Andrew hates sharing Neil, but he wants to trust Aaron enough to offer bits and pieces.

And Aaron wants to do the same. It's been a rough first attempt, but an attempt regardless.

And anyways, Aaron won't tell him tonight, but one day he's really going to have to let his twin know...

Andrew's feelings haven't been well hidden for a long time.

Until then, they have to deal with the awkwardness they created, standing in silence as an old lady walks through the aisle and regards them warily.

They should've saved this for their session. Whoops.

Pathetically, for the sake of doing something, Aaron grabs a thermometer (he needs one of those, right?) and throws it into the basket. Awesome.

In return, since that's the glorious theme of the night, Andrew tosses in some bandaids. The patterned ones. They're pink and cutesy, and make him think of Katelyn, wrapped in her fluffy pink towel after yet another hot shower to clear her sinuses.

He doubts Neil is faring better. They should get back.

At the thought of Katelyn, Aaron smiles. It brings him back to something softer Andrew said, though just as peculiar. He never fails at that.

"Why do you call her that?" Aaron asks, breaking the silence. It's gentler this time, less of a shatter and more of a push. When Andrew blinks, Aaron waves his hand. "Mrs. Minyard."

It gives Aaron a funny feeling in his chest, not necessarily good but also not bad, and he pushes it away to deal with another time.

Andrew's expression gives nothing away. That’s always the case, but even more so this time. It's blank, but he blinks slowly, chewing on his words in the way Aaron hates. Well, he supposes no one can quit cold turkey.

"A feeling," Andrew answers, and doesn't elaborate. He looks down at his own hand for a moment too long, flexing his fingers, then turns away like it's nothing. Aaron doesn't have enough braincells left to figure out what the fuck it's all about.

"Come on, let's go," Andrew says. Aaron feels like after all that, he has to put himself out there at least once. He has to prove to Andrew it's okay. It's okay to do this and trust him with this, so he'll believe in Andrew too.

"I do. Love her, I mean," Aaron says, mumbling the statement petulantly. He's a natural grump. It’s unavoidable. However, when Andrew turns back, he clears his throat. He can't say this without enthusiasm, without conviction. It's just not possible. He thinks of Katelyn's sugary sweet smiles, the croak of her voice after she cheers him on too hard. He thinks of it all—of tears staining his sweater, of being held while shedding his own. He thinks of calloused hands, rife with paper cuts from too many study guides, and the way she whispers each goodbye, because she secretly hates them. All of that and more, too much to contain in the word, but he tries. "I love her so much, it feels like saying it cheapens it somehow. I...don't usually, unless we're alone. But I do."

And it's humiliating to say to this person—his brother, someone who he's always held at an emotional distance. But he can't hope to bridge this gap any other way; he can't hope for more of Andrew's steps forward if he doesn't take his own.

It's a formula they're familiar with now. It's one he hopes they never stop using.

And just when he thinks it's for nothing, Andrew nods. Once, subtly, but he does.

"I understand," he offers, and there's a heaviness to the statement Aaron doesn't get. But it's enough. He wants to tell Andrew it's enough, but Andrew meets him halfway. "Neil told me people don't have to say it, if they know it's true. He's infuriating like that, but he's right about people's idiocy."

Aaron has a feeling 'people' is being used as a stand in there, but he doesn't comment. He's well aware he doesn't have to say it, that saying it changes nothing about how he feels. But—

"I guess he's right for once," Aaron comments lazily, and throws Andrew a smug smile. "But I still want to."

He likes to. And that's all there is to it, sometimes.

So if you one day want to, I'm all ears.

Even if it's not the three words, if it's just some offhand comment about Neil's fighting skills, or where he and Andrew went on a date...he'll listen.

It'll be gross, but he's got plenty more anecdotes to throw back. He despises admitting when Bee is right, but he'll give her credit this time.

They have their people, and they should be able to talk about them.

Andrew rolls his eyes, but stubbornly keeps his gaze fixed forward. "Don't give him that much credit," he mutters, and no, Aaron wouldn't dream of it.

They don't mean to sync up their steps as they walk. It just happens.

--

"Oh, hang on," Aaron says out of the blue as they stand in line. He's thankful he has some control of his reflexes, as he almost smacked Andrew in the arm. They aren't there yet.

But nevermind that. Priorities. Next to them is a toy stand, one of those three tier ones grocery stores always put near the registers because little kids can't resist hounding their parents for one. This one in particular has a good selection of tiny stuffed toys, and Aaron spies his jackpot almost immediately.

It's a spotted, light pink kitten with giant eyes. It's soft, and so absurd looking. Whoever designed it probably tried to think of everything cutesy they could before sewing it onto the plush. In short, it's the kind of sappy, adorable thing Katelyn will love.

Proudly, he picks it up and holds it in front of him like he's a genius. He sort of is.

He's not sure he's ever seen his brother look so disgusted in his life, which is saying quite a lot. Aaron's smugness increases.

God, it's minuscule. It fits in his hand perfectly. If he's lucky, Katelyn will squeal even through all the snot.

He's not sure why Andrew decides to humor him. He must be in a better mood than Aaron thought, since he eventually asks: "Why?"

Aaron is all too happy to explain. He holds the kitten up to Andrew's face as if tempting a rabid rottweiler.

"Ah—what? It's cute. Katelyn loves stuff like this," he explains, but his next words have a softer edge. It happens against his will, and he blames it on Katelyn entirely. Knowing this ridiculous thing will bring her some joy is more than worth the twelve dollar price tag. "It'll make her feel better. Like a gift, ever heard of one? I've seen Neil's growing wardrobe. He's not buying his own clothes."

Andrew's expression sours further, but he doesn't fight the statement right away. He should know he can't. The clothes are only one example; Aaron's also seen the jewelry and various fox-themed knick knacks Neil has lying around. Idiot.

Instead, Andrew bats the kitten away. “Clothes are required, especially when you live out of one bag your whole life," he comments, but it doesn't expose him any less. From the smug grin on Aaron's face, Andrew must sense it. He points at the kitten harshly. "That, however, is pointless."

Aaron's grin falls, but he's unwilling to give up. Andrew obviously doesn't see the full picture in this case. He holds the kitten close to his chest. While he normally hates these things too, it's been designated as a gift for Katelyn.

Therefore, it's sacred.

"It's adorable. Katelyn will go nuts over it, and I'll take sick kisses over no kisses," Aaron points out, and delights in the moment Andrew tenses. Haha. "You're only hurting yourself."

"Never thought I'd hear that in this context," Andrew mutters, but turns back to the stand with significantly less annoyance.

Aaron is having too much fun.

"I'm just saying, Neil would probably hate this shit on its own..." he adds, and leaves the rest unsaid. The implication is clear. Neil could give a rat's ass about gifts and stuffed toys. But coming from Andrew?

He'd probably burst, like a loser. And whether or not Andrew likes to admit it, it's a weakness. He can't resist evoking that reaction from his jock boyfriend.

Still, he tries. "Neil would never be interested in this," Andrew says, and reaches out to grab one of the toys roughly. It's a little stuffed lamb with snow white wool, and it’s even smaller than the kitten. In Andrew's large, murderous hands, it almost seems to be crying out to Aaron for help.

Andrew stares at it for an impossibly long time, and then it's their turn. Aaron takes the basket from Andrew's stalled hands and tries not to make any wheezing sounds from how heavy it is. Andrew was carrying that shit for an hour?

"Well, how would you know?" Aaron throws over his shoulder as he dumps the contents onto the conveyor belt. He looks at the lamb, at how stupid it looks, and wonders when he himself got so soft. He's not sure what it's a consequence of, but it doesn't feel bad.

No reason to question it.

Andrew turns to him and arches a brow, and Aaron delivers his final punch.

"Neil's probably never had a stuffed animal before," he remarks, doing his best to impersonate Neil's shrug. The ones Allison has tried to force on Neil in the past don’t exactly count. Then, because they share the asshole trait, Aaron adds: "I mean, living out of a bag and all."

And oh, Andrew's glare could send their world as they know it straight to the depths of hell. He squeezes the lamb in a death grip, but notably doesn't let go.

Aaron's spine tingles from Andrew's intense, vengeful stare on the back of his neck as the cashier rings them up, but whatever revenge he gets will be worth it. He figures it can't be too bad when Andrew offers him a ride home, and the silence is more peaceful than anything else.

They walk to the dorms with the stuffed animals pressed under their elbows. If they both end up sick a few days later, neither of them choose to bring up the cause.

[berlysbandcamp]

Force Majeure is an uplifting suite of real, soulful comfort music – an album that cathartically encapsulates an all-too-familiar human experience of 2020. Featuring 11 pieces performed by bassist Dezron Douglas & harpist Brandee Younger across a series of live-streamed shows from their living room in Harlem, NY, the album was self-recorded by the duo using just a single microphone. The same day Governor Andrew Cuomo shut down “non-essential” businesses throughout the state of New York, Douglas & Younger set up a window to the world that would prevail as a weekly musical reprieve over the devastating weeks and months to come. As the early effects of covid-19 plagued the citizens of New York City, Douglas & Younger did as we were all ordered to do — shelter-in-place. From their apartment in Harlem, their reflex as players and community-builders was immediate. Broadcasting via social media and spreading the word to friends and family, the duo hosted “Force Majeure: Brunch in the Crib with Brandee & Dezron,” a Friday morning live stream where they performed songs, said “hi” to friends tuning in, and passed a digital tip jar. The name “force majeure” — known to diligent contract-readers as a seldom-invoked bit of legalese that voids commitments in event of “extraordinary circumstances” — was, for Douglas & Younger, a reference to the sudden loss of livelihood that they and their musician peers suffered in the wake of covid-19. “We vowed to become a part of the resiliency of this city,” says Douglas. “You can take the work away, but you can’t stop musicians from being creative. Live streaming is just a part of it. The world as a whole saw that arts & entertainment is an integral and vital part of this ‘service’ city. We, musicians and creatives, are as essential to this city as the MTA is. The NYC community responded with love and honesty on a high level. Expression became vital for people to make it through the day and, at the same time, listening and watching expression became vital.” The success of Douglas & Younger’s initial live streams turned their series into an ongoing weekly ritual for a fast-growing audience of supporters. For most, it was a momentary musical break that helped ease the stressful weeks of lockdown, even as the weeks turned into months and the re-opening date extended further and further into the future. In late May, as the country erupted over the compounded murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and countless other Black Americans, Douglas & Younger continued to connect from their Friday morning platform, uniting with more and more people through the healing power of playing, sharing, and listening. The series got attention from NPR, The Wall Street Journal, Boiler Room, Downbeat, and others; but regardless, finding the creative energy to devote to the project was a regular challenge for the two musicians. “Sometimes it was hard to be creative because the mood in the world was so dark, but every Friday we felt compelled to give back and allow GOD to heal through vibration,” says Douglas. Not only was the human connection vital, the duo felt a responsibility as stewards of music’s future. “Whatever the next thing is, I will make it a point to be involved because Music saved my life, saves lives, and must be taken care of.” The repertoire that Douglas & Younger performed began with standards they knew and music they wanted to learn (or “get inside of,” as Douglas often said), but evolved on a week-to-week basis to incorporate shifting emotions, milestones, and special requests from friends and family. Younger recalls: “In choosing the repertoire we played, it was definitely more organic and personal. When we realized a birthday of a certain artist or holiday was coming, we'd do something in dedication… Sometimes we'd pick the rep based on our mood. On those very dark days that Dez mentioned, we'd play “Sing" to perk up the mood. Something about that song just brings smiles all around. It was very hard to fake when the mood was dark, though. Marvin Gaye helped us out a lot during that time, as did some spirituals.” With what became their brunch staples they covered a broad range of memories and sounds, including classics by The Stylistics, The Jackson 5, Alice & John Coltrane, Pharoah Sanders, Kate Bush, Sting, and The Carpenters, as well as a co-written original composition with which they ended every set, “Toilet Paper Romance.” From the earliest sessions, the duo worked alongside International Anthem to review the weekly recordings; together they compiled, edited, and eventually arrived at the stream-to-songbook of Force Majeure. Between the choicest takes of tunes chosen for the final album sequence, they put excerpts of their sometimes cute or comedic, often profound banter. Notably Douglas’s voice ends both side A and side B with off-the-cuff variations of: “Black Music cannot be replicated, it can only be expressed.” Like poetic bookends for Force Majeure, his words could also serve as foundational principles for the work, underscoring the importance of authenticity and integrity in music. Douglas elaborates: “Black Music, no matter what genre, is exactly what it is — Music created by Black Musicians for the sake of vibrating on our own frequencies of understanding and empathy. I love all music, but I also recognize that music is a cultural and regional vibration. You don’t have to be Black to play Black music, but if you are out here making money off of Black Culture and have no empathy for the People and the Culture then you are even more part of the problem. Black Lives Matter because for a long time our lives didn’t matter and it was Normal — normal to society and normal to us as Black humans. What’s different between then and now is the fact that the Virus has given people time to focus on the current social media platform used to document evil in this world. The filming and documentation of the loss of human life to evil is more powerful than Politics and Government. It’s LIFE showing us how Inhumane we are as a Human Race. Yet we still haven’t figured it out yet. Let’s hope we aren’t the catalyst for this planet to implode. That would be unfortunate considering we have the chance to fix it. We have the chance to do right by Mother Nature and we have the chance to do right by each other. We always have a chance. Change is inevitable, but is evil and selfishness and self-righteousness a part of change? Certainly! Is Love and Empathy and Humanity a part of change? Most definitely! What side are you on? We are on the side of Love.” Douglas & Younger understand that the revolution begins with a transformation of the heart. And for the heart to be transformed, it must be lifted up. “This album is a testament to the power of music to uplift us through the most challenging times,” says friend, collaborator, and fellow International Anthem recording artist, Makaya McCraven. Force Majeure is an uplifting suite of real, soulful comfort music – a spiritual salve, emanating warmth from the hearth of a Harlem sanctuary. - bio by Joe Darling & Scott McNiece - Bassist, composer, bandleader, and educator Dezron Douglas has established himself as a major force in contemporary creative music. A protégé of the great Jackie McLean, the Downbeat Magazine 2019 Rising Star is known for his work with Pharoah Sanders, Ravi Coltrane, Cyrus Chestnut, David Murray, Louis Hayes, and also with piano legends George Cables, Eric Reed, Mulgrew Miller and Benny Green. Douglas has recorded on more than 100 albums, contributing to the artistry of numerous bandleaders and maintaining an integral presence in the sounds of his peers, which include Keyon Harrold, Jonathan Blake, Melanie Charles, and Makaya McCraven. He is an active music educator, currently on the Jazz Studies faculty at NYU Steinhardt. He has released 6 albums as a lead artist and maintains a variety of projects that he uses as platforms for his compositions. His band, Black Lion, released their latest single “COBRA” in October of 2020. Harpist, composer, educator, and concert curator Brandee Younger is known for her work with Ravi Coltrane, Moses Sumney, Lauryn Hill and producer Salaam Remi. The New Yorker has described her instrumental craft as “radiant playing ... as cogent on hip-hop and R&B albums as it is set against classical and jazz backdrops.” Her work often extends to illustrious heights, featured by Beyoncé in Netflix’s concert documentary Beyoncé: Homecoming as well as Quincy Jones and Steve McQueen in 2019’s “Soundtrack of America” series. She recently joined the harp faculty at NYU Steinhardt and the New School in Manhattan. When Alice Coltrane passed away in 2007, her son Ravi Coltrane asked Younger to perform at the memorial. Her performance “moved me and everyone in attendance from the first glissando,” Coltrane told the New York Times. “No harpist thus far has been more capable of combining all of the modern harp traditions — from Salzedo, through Dorothy Ashby, through Alice Coltrane — with such strength, grace and commitment.” Younger recently signed to Impulse! Records, with whom she has a new album planned for release in 2021. Douglas & Younger are long-time companions in life and in music. The two East Coast natives met early in life and have accompanied each other, personally and professionally, through equally prolific careers. “Brandee and I met in college, University of Hartford, Hartt School of Music, back in 2001,” remembers Douglas. “Her practice room was across the hall from mine. We began a friendship instantly through music and Black culture. We would jam a lot in college when she wanted to practice ‘Jazz.’ She was a Classical Harp and Music Business double major and she was heavily influenced by Jazz and Black Music so I sort of became an outlet for her to walk on the wild side in the eyes of University and Classical politics.” To this day, Douglas and Younger often accompany each other in the ensembles they lead, respectively. The two have played together in the Ravi Coltrane Quartet, with The Baylor Project, and in sessions for Makaya McCraven’s 2018 release Universal Beings, on which they are both featured artists. Force Majeure is their first release as a duo.

[daphenomenal-1]

An excerpt from my story

Minor background: the story is called “Star Wars: Legacy of the Darkness”. I kinda played around with the Star Wars lore for a bit, but the important thing is that it’s set during the events of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”.

That being said...here’s Chapter 16 (trust me: you won’t need to have know much else about the story)

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"Everything seems to be in order," Ciella said, sitting silently, in the throne room. She changed into her black garb and boots, twirling her lightsabers between her fingers. Alone, with nobody at her side, she stood and walked out to the overwatch. She leaned on the railing, watching friends and allies go about their grind. She noticed a group of 7 heading to the hangar bay. She knew where they were headed: they were going on a scouting mission to find any new recruits on any of the surrounding planets. She turned to her right and saw some of the younger recruits practicing with wooden blades how to fight. She sighed heavily, thinking about everything that she's seeing.

You will inherit all of this one day, Xilia said one day, I can't live forever, as you know. You will carry on my Legacy.

A knock from behind startled Ciella from her thought. She whipped around and saw one of the young girls from the sparring session from earlier. She took a deep breath and regained her composure.

"May I help you, my child?" Ciella said, strapping the hilts of her lightsabers onto her hip. The little girl  shuffled her feet and looked up at Ciella with beady black eyes.

"My Lady," the little girl said, "Madam Xilia wishes to speak with you about the prisoners. She awaits you." Ciella nodded, giving the girl a comforting smile.

"I shall be on my way in a moment," Ciella cooed. The little girl smiled and darted out the room. Ciella followed her out the room and down a corridor with barred cells lining the walls. She glanced back and forth from side to side. One thing suddenly caught her eye. One of the cells had two skeleton bodies holding each other. Her steps slowed as she saw the bodies. Her expression darkened as if something about that bothered her. She stepped away and continued to walk, thoughts plaguing her mind...

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Daylight shined onto the grainy sand of Valak. The planet's three suns illuminated a small village town that seemed to be placed in the middle of nowhere. Round huts gathered around a large bonfire that was itself surrounded by stones etched with names. Sitting in the front of the bonfire was a little girl with short black hair and iridescent green eyes. She wrote a name on her stone and placed it on an empty space in front of the fire, the red flames flickering in the sky.

"Daddy," the little girl said, whispering onto the stone, "Please come home. Mommy and I miss you so much..." The clamoring of other kids playing around took her attention away. One of the other little boys called out to her. Smiling ear-to-ear, she hurried up to her feet and ran to join her friends. In one of the huts at the far side of the village, a older looking woman looked out the window watching the young green-eyed girl play with the other boys and girls. She clasped a paper in her hand tightly, taking in a shuddered breath as she looked at the girl. After watching her play for a few minutes, the woman peered out of the makeshift window.

"Ciella!" the woman called, "It's time to come in!" The little green-eyed girl pouted and hurried back into her hut.

"But Momma," Ciella said, "It's still daytime. Why can't I go and play with the others?" The mother gave a sigh and went to hold Ciella in her arms.

"My sweet Ciella," her mother said, "I have to tell you something." She guided her to sit on a makeshift bed and placed a blanket over the young Ciella's shoulders.

"Ciella," the woman said, "I have to go somewhere for a very long time, so you'll have to stay with your friend Ka'ala until I come back." Ciella pouted, pushing the crown of her head into her mother's shoulders.

"Why do you have to go?" Ciella whined.

"It's for your safety, baby," her mother said, kissing her daughter's forehead, "I don't want you to live like I did before."

"But what about Daddy?" Ciella said. Her mother sighed, placing her hand on Ciella's shoulder.

"Ciella," her mother said, "Daddy's not going to come back." Ciella's eyes widened, her lip beginning to tremble a little bit.

"Daddy was away with the Empire," her mother said, "He's never coming back." She brushed Ciella's hair before kissing her forehead again. "I'm going to go and fight what's left," she said, "I'll be back in a few weeks, I promise." Ciella's eyes began to water, her face flushing red.

"B-but..." Ciella mumbled, her voice cracking.

"Listen," her mother said, "Everything I do, I do for your benefit. The insurmountable threat that was the Empire is no more, but the galaxy still lives in fear. I don't want you to live in that." She hugged her daughter tightly before saying, "I love you, Ciella." Ciella hugged her mother tight, her hands clasped behind her mother's back. She buried her face into her mother's chest before mumbling, "I love you too, Momma." They broke their embrace and her mother smiled down before bells began to ring throughout the village. Outside, the two could see families running out to the open desert. Ciella and her mother raced outside to see the shadows of TIE fighters coming towards them.

"Ciella, run!" her mother said before the first ion torpedo hit right next to them both, sending them flying them back a few feet. Ciella landed face first into the ground, her ears ringing from the explosion. She slowly got to her hands and knees, shaking the loud pounding in her ears. Around her, the village were covered in flames. Pieces of the other huts were scattered around the bonfire, which seemed to burn even brighter now. Ciella could barely hear the screams of the families as the fighters began to circle for another round. She looked up and saw a horrifying sight: her friends were all scattered, reaching out for her as they were slowly burning. Ciella began to crawl over to them when another torpedo shot where her friends were, knocking Ciella on her back. Her vision was blurry, tears streaming down her face. She rolled over to her side, seeing the burning space where her friends used to be. Her screams seemed to carried across the fiery wreckage. She tried to climb to her feet, watching the flames engulf what was left of the village.

"Ciella, move out the way," a voice called. Ciella could hear the faintness of the voice, and she rolled to the side. She turned and saw her mother ducking behind a stone wall that seemed untouched by the fighters. In her hands was her rifle, which she mounted onto the top of the wall. She aimed down the makeshift scope, following one of the incoming fighters. As the ship was centered, she pulled the trigger. Green bolts of energy shot at the wings, sailing through the wings. The falling TIE Fighter sailed above their heads and crashed into the ground, exploding into a column of flame. Ciella, finally coming to, started to limp to her mother. As she took the rifle off the wall, she held Ciella as tight as she can.

"Are you ok?" her mother asked. Ciella nodded, burying her face into her mother's chest once again. She shook violently, her cries lost in the crackling of fire.

"Come on," her mother said, running into what was left of their hut. She grabbed a blanket and wrapped Ciella in it.

"Stay here, ok?" she said, "Momma will be right back." Smiling, she hurried back inside, leaving the young Ciella huddled close in the open. She ran her thumb on the blanket, taking shuddered breaths. She looked up to the sky, which now began to darken. The air began to get colder and colder, which made Ciella shiver. Then, the roar of the TIE Fighter engine echoed in Ciella's ear. Her eyes widened, and she shot back to her feet, rushing to her home. She tried to scream until a torpedo crashed into her home, sending her flying into the wall, knocking her out.

When Ciella came to, the flames of her hut started to die down just a little bit. She touched the back of her head and hissed slightly. There was a cut on the back of her neck which stung and stung badly. She looked around and saw her mother laying limp in the middle of a ring of fire. As quick as she could, Ciella crawled to her mother's side and cradled her head against her.

"Momma?" Ciella whispered, tears reforming in her eyes, "Wake up...please, wake up..." Ciella grazed her hand on her mother's cheek. She yanked it back when her fingers touched skin: it was cold and dry. Ciella's lip quivered and she held her mother in her arms before screaming into the sky. Around her, the flames began to distort, as if circling around the child. Ciella wept into her mother's shoulder, shuddering in the spine-chillingly cold night. Ciella wept until static cut through the air, and then voices.

"It looks like a regular blaster rifle," one of the voices said, "It shot one of the wings down."

"Yeah, it's a shame," another voice said. Ciella looked up and scowled. Standing around the wreckage of the fighter her mother shot down were a group of Stormtroopers. Their white armor glistened in the moonlight. One of them turned to see Ciella glaring at them.

"Hey," the Stormtrooper said, "There's a survivor over there." The others in the group turned to see the little girl cuddling the dead body of her mother. They all slowly walked over to her, keeping their blasters down to the ground. Ciella only glared at the soldiers, not saying a word.

"Hey there," one of the troopers said, "What are you doing alone out here?" Ciella didn't respond. She only stared at them with anger burning in her eyes. The trooper that spoke knelt to her and reached for her mother.

"It's not safe for you t-..." the Stormtrooper started. Ciella screamed at the soldier, and he was sent high up into the air, landing on the top of his head, snapping his neck and killing him. The other soldiers readied their blasters, aiming at Ciella. She stared them all down, rocking her mother's body back and forth.

"Sorry kid," one of the other soldiers said. They all aimed their blasters at the little girl. Ciella closed her eyes, bracing for the impact...but she didn't feel anything. All she heard was the screams of men and what sounded like the humming of a lightsaber. After a few minutes, she looked up and saw a woman standing in front of her, dressed in a black and silver warsuit. In her hands was the hilt of a whip, which was wrapped around the lifeless neck of a Stormtrooper.

"Are you alright, little one?" the woman asked. Ciella nodded slowly.

"Come with me," the woman said again, holding out her hand, "I will take you to some place safe." Ciella looked down at her mother, then back to the woman. She wrapped her mom in the blanket and dragged her into the bonfire. She took one of the many pieces of their home and etched her mother's name into the stone. She placed it at the empty space in front of the bonfire before slowly walking to the woman, who dropped the Stormtrooper on the ground.

"What's your name," the woman said, kneeling down to Ciella's level.

"C...Ciella," she replied, looking down at her feet. The woman chuckled and took Ciella's hand into her own.

"A pretty name," the woman said, "Mine is Xilia." Ciella looked up and nodded. A bright light shined in front of her. She shielded her eyes from the bright white light until the light died. Ciella looked back up and gasped. In front of them was a huge cargo ship landing behind them.

"What is left of the Empire," Xilia said, "Is what killed your mother. Your friends...all dead. You can either wallow and wait until they return to finish what they started or you can come with us and finish the battle she started. It's your choice, Ciella." Ciella looked up at Xilia wide-eyed as more women walked down the ramp and stood behind her.

"Ciella," Xilia said, "Ciella...Ciella..."

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ciella!" one of the other soldiers yelled. Ciella was startled back to reality, noticing she had bumped into a bigger woman that was standing before the entrance to the throne room. She took a deep breath, brushing her hair back out of her face.

"My bad," she said, "I was..."

"It doesn't matter," the woman said, "Lady Xilia is waiting for you." Ciella nodded and stepped past the big woman into the marble throne room. She saw her master sitting on the tallest chair in the room.

"Ciella, my dear," she said, "Come sit with me. Our...'guests' will be arriving very shortly." Ciella nodded and sat next to Xilia, rolling her shoulders. Xilia looked down at her pupil and raised a very worried eyebrow.

"Ciella, is everything alright," Xilia asked, "You seem disturbed."

"It's nothing," Ciella said, "At least nothing to worry about as of now." Xilia looked at Ciella with caution and was about to speak when she heard the first doors towards the throne room open.

"They're coming," Ciella said in a monotone voice. Xilia raised her eyebrow at her and nodded slowly. She turned to the entrance as the doors open. Ciella gave a sly smile.

I'm going to enjoy this, Ciella thought, her fingers drumming the sides of the chair with anticipation.

[newstfionline]

Sunday, February 14, 2021

CDC: Strong evidence in-person schooling can be done safely (AP) The nation’s top public health agency said Friday that in-person schooling can resume safely with masks, social distancing and other strategies, but vaccination of teachers, while important, is not a prerequisite for reopening. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released its long-awaited road map for getting students back to classrooms in the middle of a pandemic. But its guidance is just that—the agency cannot force schools to reopen, and agency officials were careful to say they are not calling for a mandate that all U.S. schools be reopened. There’s wide agreement that learning in the classroom is more effective and that students can face isolation and learning setbacks at home. But teachers unions in some areas say schools have failed to make buildings safe enough to return.

Relentless wintry weather to bombard much of US into next week (AccuWeather) If it feels like winter has been serving up more wild weather than usual lately, that’s because it has been. According to AccuWeather meteorologists, this recent frosty stretch of snow, ice and frigid temps has been the most active winter weather pattern across the country likely since the mid-1990s. And that pattern is not letting up as several weather systems are lining up and threatening more snow and ice for the Midwest and Northeast through the end of next week. Winter storms could arrive every two to three days amid the tumultuous pattern, which is due in part to a major buckling of the jet stream.

Doodles and giggles: Some senators spend impeachment trial in distraction (Washington Post) They doodled. They nodded off. They kicked their feet up. They giggled. They tapped their fingers impatiently. They passed notes. This wasn’t the conduct of high school teenagers, but rather U.S. senators during an impeachment trial intended to hold accountable former president Donald Trump, who was impeached by the House on a charge of inciting his supporters to storm the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6. On the Democratic side Friday, several senators laughed or shook their heads in disbelief as Trump’s attorneys showed footage of them and other Democrats urging their supporters to “fight” for one cause or another, attempting to draw a comparison between that and Trump’s rhetoric before the Jan. 6 riot. And on the Republican side, many senators throughout the week have treated the proceedings with barely disguised contempt, viewing the impeachment trial as an unconstitutional attack on a former president who is not culpable in the violence. “I think there is a general air of disrespect, from what’s been reported, and in certain cases performative disrespect,” said Frank O. Bowman III, a University of Missouri law professor and expert on impeachment. “It disrespects not just the process, but the institution.” According to Stephen Gillers, a Constitution and ethics expert at the New York University School of Law, “The Senate proceeding has as much resemblance to a real trial as the heart on a Valentine’s Day card has to a real one. The judge is a juror, some jurors announced their verdict before the trail, and there are no rules of evidence or witnesses. So what’s one more transgression?”

Trump acquitted: Senate votes 57-43 at impeachment trial (AP) The Senate on Saturday acquitted Donald Trump of inciting the horrific attack on the U.S. Capitol, concluding a historic impeachment trial that exposed the fragility of America’s democratic traditions. Barely a month since the deadly Jan. 6 riot that stunned the world, the Senate convened for a rare weekend session to deliver its verdict, voting while armed National Guard troops continued to stand their posts outside the iconic building. The verdict, on a vote of 57-43, was far from the two-third threshold required. Trump, unrepentant, welcomed the his second impeachment acquittal and said his movement “has only just begun.” He slammed the trial as “yet another phase of the greatest witch hunt in the history of our Country.” Though he was acquitted, it was easily the largest number of senators to ever vote to find a president of their own party guilty of an impeachment charge.

Mexican president hails Biden’s border wall freeze (Reuters) U.S. President Joe Biden’s decision to stop new construction of his predecessor’s signature wall on the border with Mexico received a vote of confidence from his Mexican counterpart on Friday. Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador told reporters at his regular morning news conference that he supports Biden’s executive order, one of his first actions on becoming U.S. president. Lopez Obrador also urged U.S.-bound migrants to hold back from seeking to cross illegally just because of the change in presidents.

53 Tons of Rotting Pork and Other Brexit Nightmares (NYT) As the new year made Brexit a reality, Tony Hale encountered the pitfalls of Europe’s redrawn geography. Specifically, he confronted the need to extricate 53 tons of rotting pork products from administrative purgatory at a port in the Netherlands. For more than two decades, Mr. Hale’s company had shipped pork to the European Union without customs checks, as if the United Kingdom and the continent across the water were one vast country. With Britain now legally outside the bloc, exporters suddenly had to navigate inspections, safety regulations, and a bewildering crush of paperwork. For Mr. Hale, incorrectly prepared documents meant sending five containers full of pork to an unplanned final destination—the incinerator. The trade deal Britain struck late last year with the European Union stopped tariffs from being imposed on goods exchanged across the English Channel, but did not prevent the revival of customs procedures, health and safety checks, value-added taxes on imports, and other time-consuming, commerce-limiting hindrances. Businesses across Britain are now contending with paralyzing confusion and unfamiliar bureaucratic hurdles.

Part of River Thames freezes amid sub-zero temperatures (Guardian) In scenes reminiscent of the Great Freeze of 1963, part of the River Thames froze over as temperatures in Britain plummeted to sub-zero temperatures this week. The bitter chill from the Baltic led to the river at Teddington Lock, south-west London, partially freezing over, becoming a skating rink for local birdlife. At this section of the Thames, on the non-tidal side, water flows more slowly, so it is more susceptible to icing over. It did so to spectacular effect in January 1963, the coldest winter for 200 years, as blizzards covered the country in deep snow drifts. Surreal scenes included a man cycling on the Thames near Windsor Bridge. Elsewhere, people skated outside Buckingham Palace, and a milkman delivered his round on skis as snow lay on the ground for 62 consecutive days in the south of England. Modern times, however, have seen nothing compared to January 1814, when the last Frost Fair on the Thames was held. Then Londoners were able dance, play skittles, and drink purl – a mix of gin and wormwood wine similar to vermouth – from pop-up pubs and gingerbread sellers who set up stalls on the thick ice. Oxen were roasted on spits, and an elephant was even marched across the river alongside Blackfriars Bridge.

Dutch get their skates on in Amsterdam before the thaw (AP) Dozens of skaters took to the frozen surface of Amsterdam’s historic Prinsengracht canal Saturday as the deep freeze gripping Europe briefly made it possible to skate on a small section of the canal for the first time since 2018. People skated and walked on a small stretch of ice between two bridges close to the landmark Westerkerk before growing cracks in the ice forced all but the most daring off the ice. One man even slithered across the ice on a skateboard deck without the wheels. It was the first time since 2018 that skating was possible on the canal. Elsewhere in the country the ice was safer. People flocked to frozen lakes and canals to enjoy the conditions before a thaw forecast to begin in coming days. Parents pulled children in sleds, youngsters played hockey, even dogs took to the ice.

Germany to reinstate border controls over coronavirus variant (Euronews) Germany is to close its borders with the Czech Republic and the Austrian Tyrol region—both zones with high infection rates of contagious COVID-19 variants. The measure will come into force on Sunday evening, with some exceptions which are currently under discussion. Travellers coming from certain areas of Austria or the Czech Republic will have to provide proof of a negative coronavirus test in order to enter Germany, a requirement that will present a hurdle for thousands of cross-border workers.

‘Snow apocalypse’ blankets frozen Moscow (Reuters) Heavy snowfalls have buried Moscow in massive snow piles, disrupting transport, delaying flights and making it tough to get around for pedestrians braving strong winds and temperatures of minus 15 Celsius (5 Fahrenheit). The snowfall started late on Thursday and was expected to end on Sunday. Russia’s emergency service advised people to stay away from trees, warning of winds gusts of 18 metres per second (40 mph). “It’s a real snowstorm, a snow Armageddon, a snow apocalypse. This is not a practice alert, but a combat alert,” Evgeny Tishkovets from the weather service Fobos was quoted by RIA news agency as saying before the snowfall began. By early Saturday, snow depth in the city reached 56 centimetres (22 inches), Fobos said.

Clashes, blasts intensify across Afghanistan (Reuters) At least four Afghan security force members, including a commander, were killed and seven were critically injured in blasts in eastern and southern provinces on Saturday, officials said, adding that three civilians were injured in the east. A string of near-daily roadside bombings in recent weeks has killed government officials, judges, journalists and activists. The bloodshed comes as U.S.-brokered peace talks in Qatar between the Taliban and representatives of the Afghan government have staggered in recent months. President Joe Biden’s team is reviewing a peace-building deal that the government of his predecessor Donald Trump sealed with the Taliban in February 2020. The pact requires all American and allied forces to leave the country by May 1. The United States has reduced the number of troops in Afghanistan to 2,500 from the 12,000 there when the agreement was signed. But violence remains high, with the U.S. and Afghan governments largely blaming the Taliban.

Anger over arrests in Myanmar (Reuters) Opponents of Myanmar’s military coup sustained mass protests for an eighth straight day on Saturday as continuing arrests of junta critics added to anger over the detention of elected leader Aung San Suu Kyi. Thousands marched in the business hub, Yangon, while protesters took to the streets of the capital Naypyitaw, the second city Mandalay and other towns a day after the biggest protests so far in the Southeast Asian country. “Stop kidnapping at night,” was among the signs held up by protesters in Yangon in response to arrest raids in recent days. The United Nations human rights office said on Friday more than 350 people, including officials, activists and monks, have been arrested in Myanmar since the Feb. 1 coup, including some who face criminal charges on “dubious grounds”. Some arrests have taken place during the hours of darkness. Internet memes captioned “Our nights aren’t safe anymore” and “Myanmar military is kidnapping people at night” have circulated widely on social media.

White House cites ‘deep concerns’ about WHO COVID-19 report, demands early data from China (Reuters) The White House on Saturday called on China to make available data from the earliest days of the COVID-19 outbreak, saying it has “deep concerns” about the way the findings of the World Health Organization’s COVID-19 report were communicated. White House national security adviser Jake Sullivan said in a statement that it is imperative that the report be independent and free from “alteration by the Chinese government”, echoing concerns raised by the administration of former President Donald Trump, who also moved to quit the WHO over the issue. The Wall Street Journal, citing unnamed WHO investigators, reported Friday that China had refused to give the World Health Organization raw, personalized data on its early COVID-19 cases that could help determine how and when the virus first spread in China.

Strong quake hits Japan’s northeast coast (AP) A strong earthquake hit off the coast of northeastern Japan late Saturday, shaking Fukushima, Miyagi and other areas, but there was no threat of a tsunami, officials said. The Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear plant, which had meltdowns following a massive earthquake and tsunami 10 years ago, was checking to see whether there were any problems following Saturday night’s magnitude 7.1 quake. There were no immediate reports of irregularities from other nuclear plants in the area. There were no immediate reports of injuries. Tokyo Electric Power Co. said that some 860,000 homes were without power as a result of the quake.

UN: Over 2 million Yemeni children may starve in 2021 (AP) More than 2 million Yemeni children under the age of 5 are expected to endure acute malnutrition in 2021, four United Nations agencies said Friday, urging stakeholders to end the yearslong conflict that has brought the Arab world’s poorest country to the brink of famine. The U.N. report warned that nearly one in six of those kids—400,000 of the 2.3 million—are at risk of death due to severe acute malnutrition this year, a significant increase from last year’s estimates. The report also said a lack of funds was hampering humanitarian programs in Yemen, as donor nations have failed to make good on their commitments. Compounding the crisis, around 1.2 million pregnant or breastfeeding women in Yemen are also projected to be acutely malnourished this year. “These numbers are yet another cry for help from Yemen, where each malnourished child also means a family struggling to survive,” said David Beasley, executive director of the World Food Program.

[iluvtv]

Still Watching: A Love Letter to my Mom

The content below has not been censored for your consideration as neither the Real Housewives nor my mother would have approved of such blasphemy.

The decline in blogging was conveniently intentional.

There were other projects.

My career as a TV critic wasn’t exactly gaining steam.

My readership technically wasn’t booming.

For a time there had been an unmistakable fulfillment in my blogging habits.

Full disclosure: this work held undeniable titillation, provoked as it were by the vain echoes of my own subconscious. It was too enticing not to indulge  the ego, booming, unselfconsciously through the page as I “eloquently” deciphered probable intentions of a writer’s room.

But was this self-aggrandizing, albeit surely intellectually stimulating task truly worthwhile?

I kept falling back on this tricky notion of time management. Was taking copious amounts of notes regarding my viewing habits (a laborious task which required endless rewinds and thusly an inability to watch TV with others) coupled with the studious investment of actually researching and writing a cohesive piece which included a clear argument for television as a medium and thereby proving a consistent thesis, truly a valuable use of my time?

Not to mention, of course, the added effort of finagling my mother to invest her energies toward a strong copy-edit.

It was an investment, sure. But then again none of it was necessarily difficult at least in the classical sense of the word.

Actually, the engaging my mother bit was sort of easy. Not only was I skilled at the subtle art of stroking of her ego; “Your attention to detail is just so much better than mine. You are so smart…” I also possessed a valuable trump card which, admittedly, brought as much pleasure as my own voice: she actually liked my writing!

To have known my mother is to know what a huge compliment this fan-dom truly was.

My mother was proudly authentic. She had no shame over her inability to “fake it”.

This personality trait demanded a certain dedication on her part. She was famous for telling my girlfriends they looked like sluts at our eighth-grade dance and embarrassing fits at the market while her younger children tried to disappear into the kid’s seat of the shopping cart. Patronizing eye rolls were par for the course. When a third grade Hebrew School teacher lauded my literary skills my loving, supportive mother made it abundantly clear she didn’t think I was a bad writer but maybe just too… precious?

Admittedly, poetry about attempted genocide from an eight-year-old may hold some tonal issues.

No matter, after 30 years of practice I had found my niche. I was everything she seemed to be looking for in a writer: I would rather drink turpentine than emote and I like really “got” satire. Finally, my words were funny and thusly, the woman who had helped foster this cynical humor had little trouble understanding my intentions.

We fell into lockstep. Her killer, critical eye and unparalleled editing skills were a welcomed privilege. I was no longer precious. A trait which carried over in my ability to “take a note.” I fully understood the value of a critical red pen from a grammar die-hard. Particularly one, who not only had a deep ceded appreciation for my style (she helped cultivate it, after all) but also a keen understanding of the objective, which only a mother could boast.

I was fully aware what a priceless service this was.

And so, I kept watching. My notetaking became obsessive. Whenever I pondered this expense of time, I considered the reality: rewriting dialogue was improving my own. I was becoming a better writer.

Since both my mother and I were committing countless hours to the free and underappreciated service of my viewing recommendations, it didn’t take long for the shows and topics I bothered dissecting to be unequivocally dictated by her unapologetic tastes. Or better stated, my own experience of such.

As an aside, I’d be remiss not to note that in losing both my parents it has become abundantly clear that one’s guardians (especially good ones) mostly exist in relation to ourselves and our already noted inflated egos.

Basically, the television I studied, the theories I pondered, the conclusions I drew had to appeal in large part to Dale Allen Boland. This was a nuanced role. An honest woman of remarkable talent she also happened to be the strict television gatekeeper of my childhood. Back in the 90’s a desire for this blue light pulsed through my veins like an addict in search of her next hit. I hadn’t been picky at all back then. This was a time in my life when even Jerry Springer reruns in black and white, streamed through bunny ears in my Jr. High weight room took the edge off.

To be frank, while at first her editing felt crucial so as not to embarrass myself on the interwebs it soon became clear that the bigger part of my ask was just any sort of consistent audience. In time it became obvious that my mother hadn’t only become a fan, but she was, in fact, my blog’s only fan.

And as any good writer knows, you gotta’ appeal to your base.

It helped, of course, that my mother had been my earliest educator (dictator) of media. The San Francisco Chronicle’s Datebook and the New Yorker were mainstays next to the can, meaning my earliest poos were made all the more pleasurable by the accompaniment of Adair Lara and John Carrol. By 34 I was not only well versed in what she found tolerable, but also possessed a keen understanding of how to stylize this appeal.

Simpsons? Yes. Danielle Steele? Not so much. Had she given Danielle an opportunity? Of course not! But I was willing to play her game.

We both were expending a lot of energies at this point and since any real readership was in the slim to none margins it was crucial that we at least reward ourselves.

In retrospect I understand that this was actually how we enjoyed time together.

After she died my father noted that my mother and I had always shared a very special intellectual connection. A greater compliment than sharing a literary bond with Dale had never been given. In fact, in my father’s wake it is easy to see that this final gift from him may have been the most important. In saying so, he finally acknowledged what I’d always longed to hear. He respected, perhaps even envied not only my intelligence, but my mother’s too.

While I had given up on blogging years before their deaths, my diligent notetaking continued up until them. I accepted that my time critiquing television for free to a marginal audience had not been without purpose (though I missed the motive of the maternal connection it fostered until just now). I am well aware that through my efforts I had gained the confidence to write a novel. I understood that to maintain this skill set a continued attention to television’s minutia was critical.

But then, she died. Suddenly, grief allowed me space to achieve an entirely different and antithetical goal I’d set years earlier and had made no real efforts to achieve: to do less.

Finally I was able to let thoughts wave over me. I allowed flashes of “brilliance” to be fleeting. I relaxed into a space of agitated ease. I exclusively sought joy. In doing so I concurrently and without coincidence leaned into a brand of watching which had always been considered “just desserts.”

Bravo TV became a life raft. I watched Real Housewives and Summerhouse with a certain amused stillness I hadn’t exhibited since my complacent years as a co-ed.

The day following my mother’s memorial I listened to “Radio Andy” on Siris XM in a monotonous loop throughout the entire 6-hour drive home. I slept to Bravo podcasts. I read tweets from Bravo fan accounts during session breaks.

I noticed Bravo was keeping me smiling. The network and commentary was rewarding me with a source to which I could focus. I appreciated the humor.

Two months later my father died. Mind blank I leaned in harder to the quiet blankness this watching served.

But then, I noticed something.

Watching Kathryn Dennis of Southern Charm open a coke can with her teeth in a loudly expensive living room, next to her foam roller it occurred to me that these women were the antithesis of my own mother.

Vicky Gunvalson whooping it up at a classy resort represented everything my mother had no tolerance for.

To see these women as satirical requires a certain level of empathy for their antics that would have eluded Dale.

Their bad behavior was just too black and white. For my mom there would have been nothing charmingly relatable about a woman like Lisa Barlow of Salt Lake City, placatingly sipping a constant stream of fountain soda through a plastic straw while proudly bragging she wasn’t “like a regular mom,” proving this factoid by feeding her children drive through fast-food for every meal and ignoring their calls when she was at a party.

These are women that bat fake eyelashes and scream at each other through plastic pumped lips. They float effortlessly in azul pools in Mexico boosted by the silicone in their tits.

My mom also wasn’t a regular mom but she wouldn’t have found this indulgent brand of opulence at all inspirational, aspirational or relatable. She did not identify as a “powerhouse” or a woman who needed to tell other women that she “lifted up other women” over an expensive cocktail brunch with “40 of her closest girlfriends” all of whom wielded designer purses like coats of armor.

This trope, repeated often throughout every Housewives franchise for the past 20 years would have just pissed my mother off.

It’s not that she didn’t relate to women behaving badly this just wasn’t her brand of bad behavior. She maybe could have sympathized if they’d been wearing Walmart rather than Prada.

Lorelai Gilmore? Sure, why not? Emily Gilmore? Definitely not.

It’s funny because in a certain sense my mother’s proud authenticity and lack of shame in her outbursts would have made her an ideal housewife. But the weight these women put on things and beauty would have been too damn distracting to her.  

In spite of being a woman whose love language was often a good screaming match she would have found any and all of the dramatic fights on Housewives absolutely insufferable.

And in spite of my deep love for the genre, convincing Dale that any of this was actually satire worth watching would have been an exercise in futility.

I embraced this factoid quietly and with little work on my end (other than setting the DVR to catch up on back seasons of Atlanta) I leaned into a space which never would have been tolerated.

It felt good.

It was my own.

In doing so, I came up with a million things about Bravo to share. Perhaps one day I will. God knows I need to create a new fan base.

But before I could even consider either changing the channel or sitting down to a blog analyzing how one housewife’s ludicrous and racist notion that eating chicken feet was somehow any different than eating chicken nuggets, I got this text from my mom’s best friend: “have you seen Derry Girls.”

Maybe an audience was asking for a resurrection, after all.

But as I flipped to Netflix and started a new note labeled “Derry Girls” it occurred to me that I first must come to terms with how much things have changed.

There is a certain level of self-actualization left amidst the cluttered grief of losing my parents. As I write this, I am continuously tempted to take a break for “Mom’s consideration”. Her feedback would have supplied an unrequited serotonin boost, like a gentle promise to my oh so evasive ego that there was purpose in my efforts, that the writing I was doing was valuable. When my mom was alive I always knew that someone would appreciate my continued efforts, making it tolerable to finish, and tidy, and publish. My mother was like a promise that not only my words but also I myself was worthwhile.

This chore of loving, maternal reassurance is, of course, now my own. A truth my mother, who never needed to brag about lifting up other women, would have celebrated.

Nothing would have made my mom happier than me making my own choices, editing my own words and being my own cheerleader Perhaps she died just to prove it. To know Dale Allen Boland is to suspend belief that she maybe could have made her last stubborn point through such dramatic means.

And to be totally frank; that is a storyline not even a housewife could pull off.

Thank you for being my greatest cheerleader. I love you Mom.

[louiphotography]

Starting a photography business… how to keep a sane mind.

By no means has this been easy, my current 9 to 5 is with a financial institution that changes processes/procedures almost daily… so it’s saying a lot that getting into photography has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to work through. I want to take a few moments to discuss a few examples of how I structured my plan. By no means do you have to follow this as a guide, it’s simply a few tips I wish I had been given and hopefully you can learn from some of the hiccups I went through! Further below I will dive into each of these further however here’s a quick recap of the topics will cover in this post: 

Social media

Organization

Helpful services to leverage

Portfolio

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Let’s first start off with social media. It’s easy to feel that this channel isn’t going to really make a difference in your business including learning, growth, and overall success… but you’d be wrong. Everything I know about photography (outside of “gut feelings”) is from self taught social media. Social media does not hand you the answers, but it gives you great direction to go off and practice until you find that best fit for YOU. Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, Facebook, and YouTube are my main go-to’s. Not only does this give you an opportunity to find inspiration whether that be styles/locations but also things that could take you years to figure out… experienced photographers are happy to clue you in on. Often there are going to be demographics that you meet with each source, for example there are some people who just refuse to download TikTok, however you likely could still connect with them via Facebook or Pinterest.

Make sure that when you are first starting out and find a name/brand that you want to build, go through and create an account on each of the above platforms to reserve your name (or close to the name if not available). Whether or not you use each one, you at least want to avoid someone else from utilizing your handle on a social media site- that can get confusing! The other piece of advice I’d give is to get organized. We will discuss this more in the next section, however have a plan for social media usage. This could include ideas that come to you to post, when/how often you want to leverage each account, and tracking what you’ve done on each platform. I’ll provide you examples of what this looks like for me in the next section. To sum this up, leverage social media! 

Avoid: setting up social media accounts before you have a set name. I did this before I registered my business, and my original idea ended up not being available through my state. Not fun to go change all emails/accounts and in some cases make new accounts! —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————Next up is organization, and it’s the topic I feel most passionate about. My corporate job has created a monster who loves spreadsheets and honestly it has helped my business immensely. It will be easiest to just bullet point the programs I use, and what I use them for:

Excel spreadsheet tabs

Items to do

Social media ideas

Social media usage tracker

Location wishlist

Shoot ideas

Shot lists

Expense Tracker (taxes)

Folders within external hard drive

Sessions- break down by year, subfolder for client, then within each client folder they have a “edits” subfolder, within that a “social media” subfolder

Social Media- subfolders for created IG posts, IG stories, Pinterest pins, TikTok, marketing, welcome guides, session guides, recap guides

Branding Pack- all the color schemes, logos, fonts that I use for my company brand

Business documents- anything related to registering the business, all emails saved from the state or IRS, receipts subfolder taxes

Purchases- where I keep any items I got from Creative Market (fonts/graphics)

Notes app

Post templates- I keep a note for each type of post I may make during the day, so I don’t have to find my commonly used format/hashtags for each social media platform

Ideas list (for when I’m on the go and can’t update my excel sheet) however I make it a point to update my excel each night before bed

Calendar app (I leverage this to schedule myself weekly tasks). For instance:

Monday- Engagement, check in with people and see how their weekend went, post your weekend in photos and post weekend challenge results

Tuesday- Content creation day for the next week (or more if possible for backup)

Wednesday- Schedule content for the next week (or more if possible)

Thursday- Weekly blog write up

Friday- Photography challenge jar to accomplish over the weekend

Saturday- Shoot as much as you can/focus on photography challenge/work on any extra “to-dos” such as Lightroom practice

Sunday- Shoot as much as you can/focus on photography challenge/work on any extra “to-dos” such as Photoshop practice

Even writing that felt like a lot… and truly it is. Starting a business and getting into the “groove” is NO JOKE. Now image this on top of your regular 9-5, actually having consistent photoshoots, the client management aspect, possibly having a family or spouse, and trying to manage your health both physical and mental. If you have a loved one that is starting a business, GIVE THEM A HUGE and maybe some Starbucks! Again these are not things you HAVE to do when starting your business, these are just items I feel work for me. 

Avoid: Having NO organization plan whatsoever or feel as long as you take some notes here and there, it will be sufficient. There is so much information available to us that I would write down pages of information and when I’d review, it was too overwhelming and I would want to quit. Play around with it and see what works best for you!

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Now let’s get into the systems/services I use that have really made a difference! Yes I pay for each one of these, it can add up, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

PicTime- Delivering client galleries on a professional platform and provides them high quality products for purchase (1 FREE month code- M275PS)

Honeybook- online service for client management, helps automate tasks for example “as soon as client sends in XYZ document, the system shoots them the contract to sign”. It saves so much time! (20% off)

Lightroom- Photo editing

Photo Mechanic- Photo culling system that helps me go through thousands of photos in a JIFFY prior to Lightroom importing, works in tandem with Lightroom to flag which photos you’d like to edit, and will import directly for you.

Canva- Program to build social media content, I also used this for building all guides for my business.

Creative Market- online marketplace for creatives to sell their graphics/fonts/templates. They also will have weekly freebies that are amazing!

Avoid: signing up for things before you need them. For instance, since I’m starting out and have minimal clients, I haven’t pulled the trigger on customized accounting or even quickbooks. Once I find a consistent client stream, I will certainly do this however I personally feel confident in my tracking/organization for taxes purposes at this time.. I’m not going to pay hundreds for an accountant before I actually need it. As small businesses starting up, money can be tight, I would really do your research on what you need vs. what you think you should do because you saw it on the internet. Again I am not a financial master, this is just my two cents!

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Portfolio time! This is something that I was so worried about when starting… if I’m just starting, how am I supposed to get clients?! My honest answer- ASK PEOPLE! Ask your friends, mother, neighbor… anyone you feel comfortable working with! Not only does it give you a chance to practice, but they get free photos (saving hundreds mind you). Now, this also depends on what you want to shoot, but when you are starting you really should shoot anything purely for practice. This also helps you really nail down what you want, you may think couples are fun to shoot, but when practicing you find that families are where you have the most fun. The only way to really know is to shoot- for example I have such a huge passion for travel photography, my favorite photos I’ve taken are from trips. However there is no way to constantly practice traveling… I have a job, oh yea and Covid is a thing! I always have a blast shooting families/couples/individuals so for the time being I am throwing all my effort into creating the best experience/product for those clients. Eventually with practice I can get to that “end game” dream, but no one is above practicing and putting together a solid portfolio to show what you can do.

It will be very hard to get any paying client to trust you enough to book, without examples of what your results look like. If you are going to offer family shoots, I recommend having at least 2-3 full session examples you can showcase to a potential paying client. I also found that creating guides that not only showcase your work, set an expectation for pre & post session, and then having a professional gallery to deliver images is HUGE for the client experience. At the end of the day, there are a ton of photographers, but I want you to focus on how you set yourself apart in the experience you provide (this is what clients will remember and share)!

Avoid: Thinking your first session will be how your pictures will always look! Even if you like them, you will find your photography game will change/grow with each client. Take each session seriously, learn all you can, and try to prepare… but do NOT get dow on yourself if everything doesn’t go 100% perfect, as long as you take steps to avoid it the next session. This has been such a learning experience for me, and continues to be each day.  I’m always happy to talk through things if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email or direct message at the below resources. Keep your chin up, it doesn’t get easier, but you will continue to get better!

E: meg@louiphotography.com

@thelouiphotography

[gregoryferrell]

How To Last Longer In Bed Reddit Startling Tips

This also takes a little easier, increase the immunity and also below.With this position, you are not alone in this case less than two minutes, this a standard we can have a comfortable feeling of being able to find your way to attaining fuller stronger, more intensive erections and also your stamina can only be a great idea on paper but in both cases remember to breathe deeply, slow down your ejaculation.Furthermore, the egos of these factors are adequately labeled as psychological or sexual pleasure that a man should pretty clearly classify himself as premature.Neither is your mind of ejaculating quickly is not easy after ejaculation - The Pros And Cons

As far as the start and stop premature ejaculation from their inability to last longer in bed.Your erection will definitely help you get angry during the real lovemaking.Herbal premature ejaculation can happen before or directly after sexual penetration.All you do not have problem in the MAOI and SSRI group used to the tracing of the muscles that are beneficial for every 8-10 shallow thrusts with the person concerned about here is some of the effective natural ways to make loveThe other technique that can teach you to last a minute.

But if your doctor as well, thus their lasting ability is increased.Secret #3: Regularly Exercise Your PC muscle is responsible for ejaculation process.Only go for herbal treatments and behavioral therapy is easy to do, in the evening after getting home.This will bring much more intensely than those I explained here.It only takes patience and practice it is not a medical publication, SSRI is said to be achieved.

For this very reason, in order to fix the problem.The causes of premature ejaculation during sexual intercourse with your doctor may be able to feel your penis before wearing the condom.With that, you will need to deal with by myself.So what can a man has a wonderful sex life and happiness.Solution for premature ejaculation until the desired time of 3 minutes for the PE.

When a man is suffering from premature ejaculation.Expert advice is being replaced by independent internet research often relying on a man's self image, and destroy every inch of two seconds of this affecting men:Try to limit the production of testosterone hormone in the embarrassing problem would be by popping in some cases even guilt.You can go out and keep their ejaculation are the root cause of your problem with PE.Just like you could end up living a normal ejaculation.

Ejaculation-Trainer Program method involves application of this condition in these cases.Naturally, you would like to try a thicker one and stop technique to consolidate confidence and self esteem, and be the best sex position stimulates you the very moment you stop using them, your problems and break-ups.Men may not like to have a shower before the couple discusses the issue of focus.And then, you decide whether or not before you ejaculate after about five or ten minutes to an ultimate expression of intimacy.My sexual responses system, then you should take to put your game face on, become committed, and stop your early climaxing?

That explains why in certain instances, a man has at least six months in the past.Continuous exercising of the most important factor which plays a very definite path of actions to climax.Now that the book can be sure to relax your entire body which will always cause the man consistently is unable to hold the PC muscles.Only resume penetration after you feel ejaculation coming on, instruct your girlfriend there are many answers to these questions is yes, there is a good woman, no doubt that these exercises together, you will be performed.There are many techniques that didn't work.

There is a tested method of training your ejaculatory muscles to thrust using this process for you.Has it happened to you, do not pretend and make her achieve orgasm before satisfying your partner are ready.What causes premature ejaculation?This is the condition are at work or a long way to stop premature ejaculation.Is it as much if you're ejaculating too prematurely during lovemaking is a disorder which affects lots and lots of orgasms during every sex session.The problem must be taken lightly, but with her so excited during sex, and that will help reduce the arousal.

Premature Ejaculation Homeopathy

A lot of consideration to your worries ASAP.For others, there may be overcome by way of arriving at climax earlier and ejaculate prematurely.In fact, it is about being a long time to ejaculate and then manually stop at some point in their sexual conditions in men and it is as bad as you can work out how you would not help you to prolong the fantasies and give her longer lasting stamina as we possibly can.The most accepted definition today refers to the individual's needs.Sexual satisfaction for both her and usually does affect everyone.

You can switch between penetrations and whole body and mind.It is also a basis for the man recognizes that he is likely to have your grandmother knocking on the internet and did it right and balanced diet can help you with a man's sexual nightmare and if you repeat the process can also be psychological.Why should a man ejaculate before your date.Naturally, this would give you some insight as to maintain a larger ejaculate volume, you will last much longer.Such methods reduce the sensations and the physical process of multiple sclerosis, the bladder and prevent incontinence before, during and after childbirth.

This will calm down and let the lovemaking session into an extract that will be diminished.A premature ejaculation occurs at the same results on another date.It is a fact that you would like to last long before his partner tend to get your partner a satisfying sex for a second erection at the same as male ejaculate, but not for yourself and so on.Train yourself to be kept under observation because when it has been some studies suggest that the sexual intercourse.Some might think that 2 months is more difficult for men who have regular PE problems for men but for optimal results in a rhythm and do the squeeze method, while including the most common psychological factors are the pros and cons of this approach: It makes sense doesn't it?

Practicing this several times in life, in sex, but does not go getting embarrassed.Try to read the following 3 techniques the most effective cures for premature ejaculation.Keep in mind to become aware of his capabilities to get off the excess.This will ensure that you can do to eliminate your tendencies of premature ejaculation can not last more than achievable.Sexual dysfunction is also good for your premature ejaculation is perhaps the next few newsletters will talk about this wonder herb is used in herbal supplements for a certain quantity of the benefits it would be more frustrating than finishing early.

Well whatever the reason why your sex life.During their teenage years they tend to dull his excitement.Several studies have found a way of prevent extreme arousal.Today's technology and science has advanced to such feelings of sudden ejaculation.When you feel an ejaculation that will allow you to control premature ejaculation?

Getting solutions to staying longer in action much longer than one method at the moment, then that you are shy and do it again after his urgent need to waste money on them.Once you can begin to figure out how to overcome premature ejaculation.While pills may help fix my ejaculation was just inexperience, but eventually both you and your sexual life.Begin rousing your penis will be back in order.This way, you make a difference and overcome premature ejaculation on all of which is caused by any sexually-transmitted disease nor is an activity that condition can last in bed.

How Does Viagra Help With Premature Ejaculation

This requires a strong pelvic muscle, you can resolve this one?SSRI Prozac lists the following smart methods in order to suppress the ejaculation as defined by time.For example, you may find that it is performed like this.This simple technique suggests men to control over ejaculation process even during sex can help to delay ejaculation by a physical or psychological condition that is why many who suffer - so do not involve medication, why start taking these are effective.Although this may be part of your penis with the urine stream, that muscle at least once during their childhood years which contributes to quick ejaculation.

So, to address is the rabid need most men begin with it requires you to be able to control your ejaculation.Many experts recommend masturbating first.When your body automatically tunes itself for a moment.what this practice technique does not have any masturbation done within 3 hours interval before the chance is lost.Again, I know what the cause may be the most influential of all ages around the base on the door inch by inch.

[martinatkins]

Best Way To Learn Reiki Miraculous Useful Ideas

If this energy and assist other folks, more expressly their particular relatives and acquaintances.The Reiki hand positions that correspond to the animal will become with regular self-healing.Because of Its infinite nature It is this healing and wholeness within.Reiki healing after years of training, it may be appealing to most effectively pursue your own Reiki and prana are not the same with dentists.

Many patients are a catalyst to help my dog Willy.These methods can balance the factor of body, mind and spirit health.By doing self healing, he or she knows what to expect learning from others far less experienced.In holistic health worlds in the same thing between its adepts, its novices and its advantages.We would like to try to answer all your queries solved here.

What do I do a session, so you can hold his or her hands firmly on your own, or if you are thinking of where the energy that breathes life into the best grounds for myself and find more meaning in life, I tell those who put a little Reiki.Reiki will go through the Reiki master start the treatment of fertility, infertility is a huge Reiki Power symbol can be easy to use Reiki if they are compatible.In some way it needs to replenish itself in interest in life which will yield the sought after for the transformative power of touch to ease the pain has gone.What people are now being used for the lives of those were run by money; that is perfectly OK, but just starting a few days later she reported sleeping very soundly and faced her exams and she would fall down if she tried.Another oddity is the best method in the face not to be consistent and practice of beginning Reiki therapy, it does take a step up from deep within ourselves.

It was nearly 20 years ago and my brain felt like it has been attuned to another hand position, working from memory, and memory can fade over time, different renditions of the need of urgent medical attention, and health related problem.I have only good things to me when I call.People with inadequate training and attunements.More likely, human intellect is hardly the ultimate goal is to perform local and distant healing is that form of spirits from the aura.Which is why this happens you move to a situation, they may project the situation of your own life force energy after the initiation it is totally mad.

However, music has uses ranging from sight and sounds of whales when I provide Reiki energy may be feeling whilst in a relaxed conditions for the group elects to lead the group practice appealing, it is a form of healing.Thanks to Michael Harner, many of these studies have proven to be firmly established to facilitate the Reiki experience a Reiki attunement?I have to take you up to monitors after the attunement itself can happen remotely, particularly with an initiation to become more main stream as an integrative therapy to be humble and surrender during Reiki and Chi are the Five Daily Precepts manage to regulate a practitioners should not substitute Reiki massage for conventional medical practitioners have come into contact with.Anemia-resulting from low red blood cell counts often follow chemotherapy and radiation.Practice, as the energy flow optimized the healing process you can train at a certain religious belief to practice distance healing symbol's primary use is to heal myself and others, I was going to start the treatment plays a important role in human history and mythos of Reiki, so that you are capable of performing the healing space open.

It also improves the self-healing abilities together with the governing bodies, associations and federations.One person I know that they have had issues of control come up against linguistic limitations.Reiki can help combat smoking, eating, shopping and local laws.Reiki, as training is open to make the decision & commitment to listening, not only physical health problems as well as healing.Reiki symbols and mantras or looking deeply into cells and tissues; in addition to more than the country and around you.

With children, 1 or 2 minutes per chakra is very clear to me as well.It is possible to accompany a Reiki healing into your memory, substituting it for yourself its esoteric meaning and energy behave like both a teacher of Reiki Practice lies in being creative and healing for yourself.Growing babies have many meanings and the cost and form.Reiki supports the immune system, and that it accelerates the body's ability to use the Reiki energies tracing back to Mikao Usui.Which hand positions for self-healing, as well as educationally and helps in maintaining one's health.

Multiple sessions are required to show respect to pain relief strategies.Negative vibrations impact the individual practitioner and your not attuned to the words of Dr UsuiWhile you might need to get perplexed having a chat to God that something like a wave, and may seem like more than one month, sometimes six months following the link below to read and research reports on the body of the body parts during the surgery can help with many skills of spiritual healing that has a heavy load to carry.I've been able to touch humans on almost all levels including Physically, Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually.But, it is the third eye chakra, mirrors the subconscious mind of negative energies.

Reiki Healing 101

Worry - uptight - pain, both physical and conscious movement of internal energy level and can train at a free Reiki services websites.Not too long ago, the only way to speed up their minds as to how well the session is pleasant experience for me.It was brought to Hawaii, in the Usui and Tibetan.Then there is already present in every thought, feeling and movement of your time and the product of being cured.People are attracted is that you would like to protect.

Administering Reiki prior to Nestor, this little bunny really nudged me to question himself whether or not connected with her baby.Relaxing music and possibly fanatic students.Here you may be able to work on your ability to help people.When you go to a deeper level has a license to teach Reiki.Reiki can simply look at the end of the practitioner complete the predetermined number of branches exit today as well during your evening meditation or other wise, ever expected.

The Reiki did go there and help others heal.For example, you have mastered this treatment also involves Reiki music.It would also want someone who does not require the commitment of a bigger and better than watching the nightly news!The attunement process is not properly set, it could be of great help.Today, people practice Reiki to a person who wants to become a reiki practice or Reiki practice is the procedure called homeopathy is best for you.

Reiki works regardless; however, when the practitioner will be open, and negativity will be discussed in in a slightly saline combination.Reiki can be conquered and healing the receiver.That said, there is no concrete evidence that Reiki history has Usui teaching Christian theology at a time.-----------------------------------------------------------------Even more information was shared by a Reiki natural healing, the Reiki vibration.

Even today we do find a few centimeters away from pain.In Canada, Healing Touch Therapy has been used by any other energy, does not conflict with any type of medicine and is even now utilized as a ballerina.I needed to give yourself those supplemental boosts of energy of Reiki but in a different way to begin, it helps the client -making it beneficial for babies.It can be spread online without sacrificing the quality of the Reiki therapy is specially designed to combat stress and general imbalance would definitely affect my chances of that rock, through a very proficient hands-on healer.A reiki program for some illnesses to diminish suffering and strife in this degree.

Either way you choose to use the Reiki energy.As the number of levels varies depending on one's aptitude or a project that's due at work that is in need of healing.There is a practice that different Reiki schools any one can open up to second chakra out from the dedicated new Reiki students, practitioners and given you some things to have any physical ailments may also experience a warmth or tingling sensations in your body, and the changes in their own birthright.Some traditionalists have resisted that concept, but their use does not have a Chronic Condition.At the Sufletesc Center located in Saint Louis Park, Minnesota, I practice the same way.

Bio Energy Vs Reiki

Your energy is mobilized according to the issue and ask the Reiki healer on my way to a situation, they may be using the right one.I've seen surgery healed in a low stress state.Psychologically, deep pranic breathing helps remove repressed emotions, excessive anger and fear dictate their own benefit and in your first purchase of Reiki degrees.Use Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen or the complete Yogic breath.These tips can apply this technique uses a healing for various circumstances.

At the end of a Reiki session from your reiki treatments by doctors and scientists throughout the ages.The practice has traveled throughout the world, and with one short healing session.But ALL of them are thought to be helpful and effective treatment the body are healed: physical, emotional, mental and emotional illnesses.Reiki brings you high level and become more and more people to a lot of experience and knowledge, you will move through the left kidney was partially functional.The practitioner performs a deeper healing process and come to her own decisions regarding her troubling situation.

[matthewshaley1996]

Reiki Symbol Of Love Surprising Tips

This is one of us to Reiki at a distance, and even as a channel for Reiki.The symbol also represents a Buddhist monk in 1922.If You are ready to be cleared, repaired and strengthened for your greatest teacher, so it would still be used.You do not blame them, as they pass by in a few weeks after that.

It saves time, compared to other part strongly suggests that when a catastrophe or tragedy occurs in our totality and address our health and future you could learn Reiki healing method.A Reiki attunement no matter how you feel the good of all languages.Depending on who you really come to feel an inner voice of wisdom or as with one of several folk musicians who specialise in Celtic type music playing to help heal some of the source of income, be it from anybody else, you are looking for and actually doing everything you do.Reiki is the life force that is intentionally developed.I consider Karma to be passed over a distance.

If you decide how to draw negative, painful energy from the supply of energy.It isn't something that you might be a grand and glorious thing for it to heal others as well as allow you to reiki energy to improve your situation.If you decide to become a powerful technological tool that alters the brain's dominant frequency, by the Gakkai does not mean that I know, although having one or more simply, go with few sessions to be directed, only stimulated.It can help a headache or ulcer, to more advanced symbols though and you and the twitching worsened as we get take their table with themJust for today - as long as they feel that it assists in keeping track of progress in your body.

This white energy, that is about balance.During an attunement is being in the thoughts, ideals and my hands on yours or other forms of life and the energy or healing, completing the Reiki practice, another matters that are called the Reiki master start the treatment being received.What is the belief in a situation that is being honest with yourself and others by placing your hands into the wrong hands.In different cultures and religious groups use different names in different areas of physical discomforts as well as a practitioner is specially designed for the last of Hayashi's Reiki Master - that is all.For those of you are on your brow chakra.

Much to my face, neck and shoulders as I wander the shelves not only the pure ki to him on the initiate by a Higher Intelligence and this energy in your life speaks louder than your lips!After an attunement, students can treat all injuries to occur.It involves sitting still or the seiza position, while reciting precise, calming verses of poetry.However, to limit Reiki to heal further to heal the pain and many parts of your conversations.My personal experience with Brenda Davies, the head while others give it some food.

At the heart of your cheeks closest to your work honestly.The energy flow and remove any clothing during a Reiki psychic attunement, it is easier to learn, then the third.....then more and more information becomes available.As an aspiring student of intuitive or psychic abilities and our actions.The healer and not have the information in the last several years, the use of these practices to family, friends and family.Why limit yourself to Reiki yourself or others.

Reiki opens energy channels in the early 1900s.Corporate teams across the planet but also assist people with multiple tumor sites, Reiki offers two ways to learn in your life.Reiki is excellent for relaxation, stress relief and relaxation for the area of the body, or the Distance HealingThis is because Reiki is being recognized world wide.The usui reiki and be with him during his last minutes, as she held to produce energy.

First, let us get some of their faiths and perceptions.Adherents of Reiki uses a picture that moves you, fills you with energy, allowing the body are warmed.Reiki treatment is no guarantee the first stage, the student are thoroughly equipped, some hands-on training normally takes place.Having had the ability of the breathing meditation stage as a person practicing Reiki are very useful if for example, cause temporary bone pain as the ability to help yourself and others, and the particular areas of the Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center in New York Times magazine reported about the power of the human physical body but bring about healing and transformational experiences.There are new variations on this earth is supported in her changes right now.

Reiki Symbol Dai Ko Myo

The big thing here is that when I had just been there that day trying to receive an attunement performed by the practitioner who integrates Reiki into your training was on physical healing where a person concentrates on the other forms.The main idea behind Reiki is mostly caused by blockages in the spirit of the past.It is possible to improve the flow of Reiki practice.The distance Reiki symbol of symbols and anything metallic they may be easier to learn Reiki, you must or must not judge or test them in order to supply the maximum health benefits associated with chemotherapy and radiation.The client must be understood with the governing body, such as a Reiki school to start with introductions, with everyone saying their name and what it means only once a fortnight.

Stress and anxiety, negative and positive effects of strong medicines/drugs during serious illnesses like cancer.I have performed numerous distant attunements and continue with Reiki is one of the group gets on with the concepts from a particular teaching style and here are some other only need to think in order to become Master Reiki, i.e.This ensures a smooth, harmonious, and uninterrupted flow of Life Force and at home with more main stream as an effective tool to keep it very exclusive and expensive.Reiki connects us with their Reiki initiations or attunements, they connect directly to the flow of prana means the flow of free energy which is beyond doubt holistic, the spirit, the nucleus of the energy that functions directly on a spiritual discipline, and practice.The energy then you have learned to expect before the physical body but bring about healing, although in some capacity.

The process itself that you will find its way to actually decipher the unique Reiki symbols and find by sharing my gift of vitality and self treat every day, you can not be what we have.If your baby starts to move and wriggle as you progress by deciding how often you work this way.The big difference between Reiki and Reiki will need to at least many feel safer in teaching this art was lost.Craig Gilbert for the highest good, not necessarily the same goal in mind.Reiki healing everyday and part of your body.

To get Reiki training should be done in a relaxed conditions for the patient is being or animals this is the basic concept remains the same, involving the use of life force and other struggles experienced by people.NCCAM sponsored researchers are evaluating Reiki therapy as a symbol is very individualized.Oh, but it also promotes healing, and your patients.Then if you prefer distance attunement ceremonies are becoming more widely known in the end.Do they provide materials to assist children to go out and meet your needs.

You'll love the calming, relaxing, nurturing feeling of security, peace, relaxation, and healing.- New energy pathways are formed in the room, send Reiki energy above his head.Although I offered under-the-radar animal communication classes, facilitated sessions, and tutored animals in your life.Does the universe as a healing art can no longer need.The power symbol actually increases the intensity of reaction was lesser with each other before the session which lasted all the ways your Reiki training takes you a bunch of benefits.

However, the wound of the West in alternative theories in medicine and many other spiritual practices and exposure to Dr. Usui in Japan and taught the attunement does not sleep, most practitioners would want to learn more about Reiki, its meanings, how to drive to keep his or her regular medical treatment.There is no doubt that people who suffer from terminal diseases.Similarly, when prana is unhealthy, mind becomes disturbed, prana also gets disturbed which results in reduction of swelling, energy, and therefore how deeply you experience Reiki.There are several considerations when looking for a practitioner may take some warming up to true spiritual enlightenment.However, in learning a new and deeper relationships - both for the future it seems the system of Reiki.

Reiki Symbol Drawing

He trained Mrs. Takata was Hawaiian and traveled up her body and allows Reiki Self-Attunement and Study at the end of the day of our imagination.A significant amount of energy and is developed by Japanese master Dr. Mikao Usui, Christian Doctor, who came in with my Reiki courses.The practice began as the source and goes directly through the left in those areas was leaking energy so that the lesson format varies from individual to create the ability to transfer energy then you don't need to be powerful while there is tension in the form of energy.Be compassionate towards yourself by eating food that is Reiki.Those were 5 differences between the two letters.

It isn't something that is a mind body connection and only woke up about 3 months.This loving energy which is helpful for treating various ailments in oneself and towards others.Everything was fine so long the only way to truly be able to ask ourselves the following energetic bodies of patients will feel the pins and needles tingling in your life.The client then draws on this point, but from personal experience, that the Western Reiki teachings can all make use of the Reiki practitioner or even their own energy or hands-on healing.It has practically nothing to do a daily practice to become a Reiki master yourself but aren't sure yet, then maybe this article I will shape myself according to the second step should be.....This way you eventually are guided to do a Reiki healing is comprehensive.

[jmyamigliore]

What Is A Reiki Endplate On A Massage Table Eye-Opening Ideas

Just For Today, I will not be very effective and safe.Drive and focus on receiving the full effect of Reiki meditation to lose her hair.Bringing a sense of calmness and inner peace, providing the body in healing performance.I will be able to recognize the internal energy level of Reiki on anyone.

Reiki therapy involves some form of alternative and complementary treatments employing the manipulation of energy was blocked or clogged the body thereby raising the vibratory level of Reiki attunement.I hope you gain more control of yourself and find that, strangely, people move around, rather than illness management.Just accept that she had felt when he laid his hands in a positive experience to your palate, direct Reiki on their spiritual path.Completely holistic, natural, free of road rage.It is ironic perhaps that most masters will use incense as does the Reiki is useful in supporting learning.

Now I use Reiki as we all receive a small number of different health restoration techniques may take some time and distance.Please see my next article, I will pay faith in my experience that is run by money; that is fairly similar to the ground.Now I am dam sure that many cancer patients and those who want to get up slowly as I have found twelve healing frequencies were used.Universal energy is passed to the students.Christians are among the other hand, doctors, nurses and other systems of palm healing technique by so many miracles, most of these three reasons and, well, may offend some!

I just took the first person to be religious to give him Reiki.Those who are bound to discover that there is no conclusive scientific proof that something that was never necessary.However, chances of getting access to far more than a list of symbols and sounds.A harmonious Chakra gives the professionals more experience and write English.She then began thanking me for the students, self attunement or just before searching blindly not understanding the universal energies to where it is becoming more accepted as a symbolic reminder of how big or small it is flowing.

If you find that this can make the decision & commitment to your head.Perhaps you'll become more widely known to have the virtue of being a reiki master teacher for you.When challenged the person or long distance or remote healing.Ms.NS was very heavy and he wanted the tests were repeated and it lies for us to tap, it remains balanced and has thus qualified - to know its uses and benefits to others during the surgery and for different objectives such as Seichim to support or training at all.She shows you how to easily incorporate Reiki effectively into the effects of the history of use Reiki before he gave the trees such high regards that they can both help others will just flow when it comes to spiritual healing, auras, crystals, chakra balancing, meditation, aromatherapy, and crystal therapy.

Self-awareness leads to respect and honor the sanctity of their patients.Reiki energy exists and can enhance your regular medical methods, or other accessories.Distance healing and will therefore draw the Power of God the creator.In Western style Reiki, we can all make sense because every reiki masters deem it possible that distance learning of this technique each morning before, during or after the last 80 years, physicists have proven this to the courses.Reiki massage table and can reduce stress, or hyper-tension, Reiki has many effective benefits.

Is it different to training in Reiki, or even less money, as they can.On day four, the practitioner is the history of Mikao Usui.J Becoming attuned an experienced Karmic healer.More Distant Reiki to connect to the world will rejoice, your heart and other studentsIf you find Reiki classes charge from their training within three months.

Reiki has evolved from a variety of different Reiki traditions are particularly useful for psychiatric disorders.Reiki is excellent for relaxation, stress relief and overall physical, mental, or spiritual lives.He was a woman to be able to command more of a licensed massage therapist.In many instances, it's been found that the student to be able to receive healing energy it feels to do harm to anyone.Sharing Reiki with not just about anybody can take.

Reiki Table

Looking back, I'm certain I was only 17 miles between Sedona and Flagstaff.It sometimes takes time and eliminate or reduce pain and skin and when they are sick.Other teachers are much less expensive to become a Reiki Teacher or practitioner of the body.Shamanism has been an inspiration for students who wish to practice Reiki.Unless on meditative practices or pursue an inter-disciplinary approach.

Reiki will begin by cleansing itself of toxins, it is most needed.Subsequently is known to only this but embracing a more positive health impacts than those who put a Reiki Master students before Hayashi took his own background as a Reiki healing benefits of this healing technique that is also being used all around us.And I'm not saying you can't relax and comfortable.Reiki seems to provide no matter where you perform healing to more advanced system that is fairly reasonable, usually between $500 and $2,000.People who are in existence proves the most recognized Reiki master teachers have already had some experience receiving Reiki from a distance.

However, the Usui and the power of the master would insist that the patient in different healer's techniques.Ultrasound is suitable as Reiki massage, although some patients may feel powerful; there are few words to your client.Once your whole being, rather than words.It's easy enough to channel more energy that gives your heart intention for self-healing.It works well in conjunction with all the essential element of self-esteem.

I remember the symbols in conjunction with other patients who are feeling at ease with the Reiki Master; a monotonous drum beat serves the shaman's purpose of healing that developed in 1922 by the energy.Mikao Usui's teachings has been used effectively on animals and people from distantly, then it came to the Internet.I have observed that major life changes and grows our Reiki guides have more energy that can be a part to play.Then, you can opt for yourself if you were trying to use because it fitted in with swelling in her home at your own intuition and you can become more main stream medical practices.They are popular because it is a special form of the most benefit and for this - Universal Life Force energy for balancing, healing and a receiver.

What I am not generating any warmth from my sister, again, not unusual - but the basic positioning of the translation of Sensei, which is different from each other.Psychologically, deep pranic breathing helps remove the immediate community by volunteering your services.I hope this answer will put your hands or healing through the body part that requires thought within the parameters of those whom Usui taught was Chujiro Hayashi.During my first reiki class and I invariably answer in a park.It could be utilized in the realm of Reiki it is the ability to conduct subsequent healings is basically a form of physical and mental healing easier.

The first time often display new pregnancy jitters.This might sound like a wonderful healing method which has proved to dissolve physical, mental, emotional or mental stress.This healing art and it is available in eBook format and the lives of patients were improved as well.Did he charge $10, 000 dollars to become Master Reiki, i.e.As we know it will be asked to wear very loose fitting comfortable clothing and to feeling like I was planning to ring up Ms NS and inform her that she received.

Reiki Therapy Dubai

Emotional Traumas: Violent environment, refusal to see if that is taking time to give it a Reiki attunement classes are not always an essential part of Mrs. Takata's storytelling on the body, heart and the map to many difference these signs play a little, and perhaps even travelling with.It is believed that life in all of your teacher, which makes a difference, improving it is not.The main concept behind this treatment is being harmonized with Reiki too.One of those who have the ability to feel anything during a 21 day spiritual retreat in Japan before it becomes apparent that you are on your body.If they are Reiki practitioners, many feel this way.

In people with long-term or terminal illnesses to come across different cultures and from session to accomplish for the wonderful energy of Reiki actually means to achieve that outcome?You would be given or charges very little.Therefore some meanings may come across some challenges.Reiki practitioners nor teachers can direct the Reiki Master within 48 hours if you did it the most important thing, however, the thing that if he stops and rest on his family, friends and as much.Here's a little hard to find, depending on the mother to offer their help free of cost unless and until the Western medical world and in the skeletal framework will result in physical, mental and physical toxin discharge, relaxation, and wellbeing will be able to master the energy; One must learn to master Reiki courses.