#so i went ahead and corrected it because i felt like garbage even after blocking him

[missionkitty]

[Image ID: three digital drawings, the first one in full color on a light pink background and terrain, the next two in black and white.

the first image is of a sphinx, nicholas, with grayish-tan fur and short, dark black-brown hair styled with a side part and a short mane-like collar that covers his neck. his head is turned to the front with his body shielding someone and his expression is urgent, with one paw raised like he's ready to run. he is shouting,

"jazmin! we've got to get out of here!"

the second image is of jazmin, the woman the sphinx is addressing and her long black hair is messy and disheveled, along with the rest of her. she appears to be praying and is speaking spanish, saying:

"ay abuela...estoy sonando de verdad...mi vision final es ese bibliotecario guapo con el cuerpo de un leon musculoso..."

the third image is of nicholas looking somewhat annoyed and flustered, his eyes squinting as he points at jazmin, saying:

"your abuela would tell you to get on my back so we can escape!"

jazmin has her back turned to nicholas as she is shakily releasing her hands and crying, saying:

"y se entiende espanol...i'll see you soon, abuela."

nicholas responds,

"and you're not dying!" /End ID.]

a silly thing i did late the other night and then colored the first sketch cause i liked nicholas' pose...jazmin's first encounter with nicholas in his sphinx form is...weird, to say the least. the lion body wouldn't even be a turn off if she didn't think she was dying lol

i would like these two to have their own webcomic someday, but they're still in the heavy story planning stage, especially because i want to keep moonlight valley moving along for the next (brace yourselves) 30+ chapters

[jade4813]

The Lies We Tell Ourselves, Chapter 4

Fandom: Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist

Title: The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Rating: PG (I’m assuming it’ll stay there?)

Pairing: Zoey/Max

Synopsis: Max would do anything for Zoey. Including posing as her fake boyfriend to give her father one last “big moment” to celebrate with her. Nothing could possibly go wrong. After all, it’s only his heart that stands to be broken. Right?

Chapter: 4/?

Author’s Notes: Takes place after Zoey’s Extraordinary Glitch.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

“So, you want to go on a date tonight?” Max asked, wheeling his chair around the edge of her desk, his tablet balanced on his lap. He saw her shoot a quick glance towards Joan’s office and resisted the urge to follow her gaze. Joan had taken the news of their “relationship” in stride – though, given her current romantic situation, she couldn’t exactly do otherwise. However, she had exercised enough oversight to order that Max report directly to her for the foreseeable future, heading off any accusations of preferential treatment. Still, if they were going to sell the fiction of their relationship, Zoey and Max had agreed they needed to act like a couple, even at work. And that meant being seen going on dates.

And – if Max was very lucky – maybe even flirting in the hallways. But he was getting ahead of himself.

“Ah, sure,” she agreed. “That’d be great.” When she offered him a small smile, he returned the gesture and wheeled back around to his desk. Their first official fake-date. He couldn’t wait.

As it turned out, however, fate had other plans. With Tobin and Leif tackled the next phase for Chirp, it was up to Zoey and Max to troubleshoot the newest problem with the SPRQ Watch. A little after four, Joan called them into her office to notify them that the watch had developed its newest glitch: it was swapping heartrate and step counter data, leading to wildly inaccurate (and somewhat alarming) readouts for both. When she declared they weren’t to go home until it was fixed, Max inwardly groaned. So much for their date. Their fake-date, he corrected himself quickly.

But later that night, hunched over his computer with only Zoey for company, he decided the situation could have been worse. At least he got to be with her.

“You know, you don’t have to stay,” she called out to him, leaning back in her chair to stretch.

Max was a little taken aback by her offer, and he replied, “It’s all right. I’m happy to help.”

She threw him a slight grimace. “Max, please. It’s silly to ruin your whole night. I can take care of this; I think I’m pretty close to identifying the problem. It seems silly for us both to stick around.”

Although he wanted to argue, he changed his mind when he got an idea. “If you’re sure?” he asked, standing and reaching for his jacket.

Zoey looked a little surprised. “Of course I’m sure! Go on! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

But she wouldn’t have to wait that long. When he returned to the office twenty minutes later, she was sitting quietly at her desk, staring morosely at lines of code. “Max? What are you doing here? I thought you went home.”

He held up one of the two bags he was holding, and he saw the exact minute the smell of the food it carried made its way to her desk because her eyes went wide and she straightened in her chair. “You really thought I’d abandon you here by yourself? I thought you knew me better than that,” he chided her gently. “I went for a food run. I figured if we couldn’t go out for our date – our fake-date – then I’d bring our fake-date back here to us.”

“That’s…very thoughtful of you,” she remarked, though she hesitated and threw one last look at her computer screen.

He knew what she was thinking. “Give me five minutes while I set up in the conference room, but then you really need to take a break to eat. The glitch will still be there after dinner, but you won’t be if you pass out from hunger. Plus, brains work better with food.”

“I had food!” she protested, her voice following him to the conference room. “I got some chips from the vending machine earlier!”

“Cheetos are not food,” he called back over his shoulder, sliding the door shut behind him with his foot. Glancing at her desk one more time to make sure she hadn’t followed, he hurried to set the scene.

It took Zoey more like six minutes to find a stopping point in the code she was reviewing and make her way to the conference room, and when she did, he smiled at her gasp of surprise. “What is all this?” she asked.

He held her chair for her as she lowered herself slowly into her seat, looking at the meal he’d spread out before her. “Deli sandwiches from that place you like down the street. They were out of all the good sides, so I’m afraid I was stuck with kale chips.” He paused, considering, before acknowledging, “Which I’m not entirely sure are an actual food. But if we get desperate, I’m sure the vending machine still has some Doritos I can scavenge. I figured you were probably sick of coffee by now, so I got you a cup of hot tea with a little honey instead.” Just the way she liked it.

She nodded absently, as though she was still trying to take it all in. When he saw her finger the edge of the Happy Birthday tablecloth in amazement as he joined on the other side of the table, he threw her a wry look. “Okay, so the convenience store a couple blocks away was pretty low on options. But a first date requires a certain amount of panache. Even a fake one. And this was the best I could do under the circumstances.”

“It’s…amazing. No, really. It’s perfect,” she rushed to reassure him. “But are those really a good idea?” she asked, nodding at the cluster of birthday candles he’d stuck into two cupcakes – makeshift candelabra – in the middle of the table. Darting a cautious look towards the ceiling, she looked around for a sprinkler system.

“Oh, right,” he agreed quickly. He’d been so swept away by the idea for this impromptu date, that thought hadn’t occurred to him. “Maybe we should blow those out. Getting soaked would probably put a damper on the ambiance.”

Zoey picked up one of the muffins and handed him the other. Before blowing it out, however, she suggested, “What do you think? Should we make a wish?”

One corner of his mouth quirked upward. He already had everything he wanted. Well…almost. “Why not? I guess it is tradition.” He watched as she closed her eyes, pondering her own wish. In the faint light of the candles as they cast a soft glow around her face, Max thought she had never been more beautiful. Then she pursed her lips and exhaled quickly, extinguishing the flame.

When she opened her eyes again and saw his candles were still lit, she threw him a puzzled frown. “You didn’t make a wish?”

“I was waiting for you to go first,” he answered. It wasn’t a lie, but it also wasn’t entirely the truth. He’d been too captivated by her to even remember he was holding candles of his own. “I didn’t want to take the chance that we’d confuse any potential wish-granting fairy if we both went at the same time.”

She pressed her lips together, trying not to reward his bad joke with a smile, and he closed his eyes. He didn’t have to ponder his wish. It was the only thing in the world that he really wanted. I wish… a voice in his mind whispered softly as he prepared to blow out the candles. I wish…

As they cleaned up after their meal, Zoey remarked, “There’s something I should probably tell you. I actually…well, I was afraid this would be weird. Going on a date with you. A fake date. Going on a fake date with you.”

He threw her a bland look. “Our first romantic fake-date is basically an impromptu birthday party that is somehow set nowhere close to either of our birthdays. That’s not weird?”

He answering bubble of laughter washed over him, sending shivers down his spine. “Okay, weirder,” she acknowledged. “This is actually…very sweet. I just thought, you know…we’ve been friends for a long time. I figured it would be awkward to transition that into a romantic relationship. Even a fake one. Didn’t you?”

Picking up a stray kale chip – which he was still convinced wasn’t real food – he popped it in his mouth as he shrugged. “Not really. I always figured the best relationships start with friendship. If the person you love is also your favorite person in the world, why would it be weird?” Not wanting to spoil the mood by reminding Zoey of the lingering shadow of his own feelings, he focused his attention on his empty chip bag, crumpling it into a tiny ball as he and joked, “I always thought it would be like hanging out with your best friend, only, you know, with more kissing.”

“Are we going to be doing that?” she asked softly, her words freezing him in his place. His arm had been lifted to toss his garbage towards the trash can, but he lowered it slowly to the table as he considered her question. “Kissing, I mean,” she clarified, though it was hardly necessary.

Max sighed, pulling his attention away from the mess as he met her eyes across the table. “Honestly? I don’t know.”

“I wouldn’t bring it up if it weren’t important,” she reassured him, skirting the edge of the table to stand by his died. “But when we were at dinner with David and Emily the other night, she started asking me questions when we were in the kitchen cleaning up.”

“Questions? What kind of questions?” he asked, surprised that she hadn’t mentioned it before.

She waved her hand in the air in a vague gesture. “Oh, I don’t know. Just…questions.” When he just stared at her, she huffed and admitted, “All right, so it kinda felt like a cross-examination, but she’s an attorney. You know how they are. I guess she thought we were acting a little weird.”

He frowned. “Weird how? You think she suspected the truth?”

Zoey looked down, her hands fiddling idly with a discarded napkin. “I don’t know. Maybe not that so much as…um…well, that our relationship may not be…going…well. I tried to explain that we just hadn’t been dating for very long so we were still in the awkward phase of our relationship, but I don’t know how long she’ll buy that.”

With a heavy sigh, Max ran a hand through his hair, trying to gather his thoughts. “Wow. Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up, I guess. And, anyway, I thought it probably wouldn’t matter because we would, um, get used to…everything before we saw them again. I’m not trying to push you or anything, if you don’t want to kiss me –”

“That’s not the problem,” he interjected, shaking his head. “The problem is that I do want to kiss you. And that makes this…complicated.”

“But does it have to be?” she asked in a small, pleading voice. “We don’t have to overcomplicate this. We can just think about it like…like shaking hands. But with our mouths.” She gestured vaguely at her lips, which didn't help his ongoing battle to not stare longingly at them, imagining what they would feel like to kiss.

“So, basically, it’s nothing like shaking hands,” he pointed out in a dry tone.

Her tone was apologetic as she explained, “Like I said, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”

She had a point, and he knew it. But that didn’t make this any easier. “I…I’m trying, Zoey. Can you give me just a little more time?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Of course.” The silence that fell between them was uncomfortable, filled with all the things they weren’t ready to address between them. Finally, she took a step back and said, “Anyway, I should probably get back to work.”

He nodded, gesturing at the table. “Go ahead. I’ll come help you when I’m done cleaning up.” He leaned over to collect the rest of the trash, but when she disappeared around the corner, he straightened with a sigh.

He should have realized Emily wasn’t going to be easily fooled. She was a very sweet person, when you got to know her, but she wasn’t the most trusting soul on the planet. She was also very protective of the people she cared about. If anyone was going to greet their story with skepticism, it would be her.

Max grimaced as he tossed out the rest of their trash. He knew he needed to get past this. He just didn’t know how. How could he kiss her and not want it to be real?

Because it was for Mitch. Because the whole reason they were in a pretend relationship was to make him happy in his final days. If he wasn’t going to commit wholeheartedly to their charade, what was the point? It had been unfair of him to offer to be Zoey’s pretend boyfriend if he wasn’t willing to follow through.

Or was that just an excuse? He ignored the question.

“Zoey, wait!” Max called out, following her out into the main office area.

“Yes?” she asked, turning around. She was standing by the hanging wicker chairs, where she’d sung her heart song to him not long before, but he tried not to think about that.

He stopped a couple of feet away from her, feeling inexplicably awkward and unsure. “You’re right. There’s no point in doing any of this if I’m not willing to do what it takes to sell it.”

She hesitated. “Are you sure? I really don’t want to make you do something you don’t want to do.”

Max bridged the distance between them. “I���m sure. If it’ll make Mitch happy, it’s worth it, right?” She nodded slowly. “But I think…it’ll probably be a little weird. Our first kiss, I mean. Maybe we should – ah – get it out of the way now. So that we seem more comfortable with each other when we’re in front of your family.”

Zoey blinked in surprise and took a half step back? “Really? I don’t know if that’s necessary –” she protested weakly.

“You think we should have our first kiss in front of Emily? That’s like putting chum in the water. There’s no way she wouldn’t pick up on it!”

After a moment’s hesitation, she nodded. “I see your point. Okay. If you’re – if you’re sure.”

Moving slowly, as if a sudden movement would scare her away, he reached up and cupped her face in his hands. “Close your eyes,” he whispered.

She did as he asked, then opened one eye and gave him a mildly suspicious look. “Why?”

Max grinned. Did she think he was going to prank her or something? “Because the first fake-kiss in a fake-relationship is very serious business. If you’re staring at me, I’ll get nervous and blow it, and then you’ll think I have terrible fake-kissing skills and fake-breakup with me,” he teased.

Biting back a smile, she closed her eyes again. Taking a moment to steady his breathing, he brushed his thumbs lightly across the high ridge of her cheekbones, down the soft skin of her cheeks, and along the curve of her jaw. He could do this. None of it was real. He just needed to remember that.

Leaning down, he hesitated when his mouth was inches from hers. The feel of her breath against his lips made him shudder with longing. It’s fake. None of this is real. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s all fake.

“Max?” she breathed, her voice soft and uncertain.

Before he could second-guess himself, he closed the distance between their mouths. It’s not real. He felt her lips part on a tiny gasp and moaned, one hand sweeping down her waist to her side as the other caressed the nape of her neck, toying with the soft curl of hair that wrapped around his fingers. It’s not real.

Her hands hovered above his chest, but when he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in, she fisted her hands in his shirt and clung to him. He felt her murmur something against his mouth and hesitated, but her hands swept up his chest to his shoulders. It’s not real, he reminded himself. Then she wrapped her arms around his neck, sweeping her tongue against his lower lip in a silent invitation.

It was enough to shatter his self-control. Crushing her against him, Max lifted her off her feet as his lips parted and he poured all of the love he’d struggled to hide from her for years into his kiss. Zoey…oh, god. Zoey. He sucked her lower lip into his mouth, scraping it softly with his teeth. He couldn’t count the number of nights he’d spent thinking about her, fantasizing about her kiss. But even in his dreams had never captured the softness of her lips, the warmth of her breath.

She tasted like honey.

Zoey made a soft sound as he turned with her in his arms, and he smiled against her mouth. “God, Zoey, I –” he began. I love you. He caught himself before he could say the words that would reveal him. The words she didn’t want to hear. The reminder was like a splash of cold water, pulling Max out of his romantic haze.

It’s wasn’t real, he reminded himself.

But it felt real.

Embarrassed that he’d allowed himself to get carried away – and ashamed that he’d allowed himself to forget it was all an act, if only for a moment – he rushed to put her back on her feet and step away. His body nearly betrayed him, his hands reaching to hold her again, and so he shoved them into his back pockets and retreated another step.

Should he apologize? She had lifted her hand to her mouth, her fingers pressing against her lips as she stared at him with wide eyes. Unable to meet her eyes, he looked down, absently smoothing the wrinkles in his shirt caused by her hands. As he often did when he wasn’t sure what to say, he resorted to humor. “So, uh, that should do the trick, don’t you think? I can’t imagine even Emily would be suspicious after that.”

“No, I don’t think so,” she agreed softly.

He ran a hand through his hair, which he realized only belatedly had been mussed by her hands. “I should – should we get back to work, or -?”

“No! That’s okay!” she blurted, confirming his worst fears. He had crossed the line – if not with his actions, than with the way they betrayed his emotions, reminding her of feelings she didn’t want to face. “I’m almost done here, anyway. You can head out.”

His stomach sank. While he normally would have insisted he remain to help, he needed some distance from her. Not to mention time to get his head on straight. “Okay. Yeah. Right,” he mumbled. His hands still ached to hold her, and he didn’t trust himself not to give in to the urge, so he shoved them into his pockets as he turned to go.

It wasn’t real. It wasn’t.

At least…it hadn’t been for her. The problem was, it had been for him. So what was he going to do now?

[rogueariadne]

To Have A Villain’s Quirk

TWENTY-ONE: ARACHNE

Song: Closer to Love - Mat Kearney

It was silent between the pair as they walked to the Hiyama residence, Midoriya sticking close to the girl to make sure she was okay. She dragged herself along the sidewalk, letting Izuku carry her bag for her so she wouldn't have it weighting her down. They came upon the house, Kaida hesitated. Izuku frowned, slowly walking up to the door with, resting his hand on the doorknob. He watched her take a few deep breaths before she followed him, him opening the door. Stopping just inside the door, she carefully kicked her shoes off, hearing the door close behind her followed by shuffling around. She heard faint sobs coming from down the hall, following them while she waved to Midoriya. He was hesitant to go home but reluctantly nodded and left, heading back to the school to finish out the day.

"Mom?.." She called out, getting closer to the master room, seeing it was cracked. She heard them stop a little, something moving around in the dark room.

"K-Kai...?" The door pulled open, showing puffy, violet eyes. Kaori gasped as she looked at her daughter. She had stopped watching the festival after what happened, feeling too upset. "Sweetheart, what happened to you?! Oh.. my baby.." The woman gently brought her into her arms, squeezing her as Kaida hugged back.

"I-I'm sorry, mom. I just wanted to make you guys proud.. I came in third.." Kaori laughed a little.

"You did? That's great sweetie. And we are proud of you.. so, so proud. I'm sorry for what I said.. I was being selfish. I just miss you so much." Kaida pulled back.

"But.. I never left.. I've been here, mom.. I've been here the whole time.. You just.." Her eyes started welling up, her mother frowning as she brought her back into the hug.

"I know, sweetie.. I'm so sorry, Kaida. But don't worry.. I'm never leaving you alone again.." It was silent throughout the house, the quiet cries of the females filling the space as they held each other. A good fifteen minutes passed before Kaida sniffled, looking up at the black haired woman.

"Mom.. what happened to Dad?"

*

It was just the wrong place at the wrong time. That's all it was. But he still didn't deserve it. They said his body was so mangled that if it wasn't for his eyes, they wouldn't have been able to recognize him. No one knew who did it, saying it had to be someone with claws or something. There were no clean cuts, they were ragged. Shredded. She wanted to throw up. What had her father done to deserve that kind of death? He was still too young. She still needed him. Why did everyone leave her. Why was there some karmic force so hellbent on taking everything away from her. To prevent her from reaching the places she wanted to go, the people she loved and needed. To enjoy the life that was given to her.

All she has experienced has been nothing but death at the hands of monsters. And she was one of them. She wanted to pretend like she was okay, like nothing was wrong. That life was okay. But. She lost her father, she felt like her mother was going into a depressive state over the weekend, but becoming more possessive within the two days. But she understood that she was worried. She hadn't messaged anyone, and she didn't know if anyone stopped by to see her. She stayed in her room, blocking out everything. She didn't eat, or train. She slept for maybe two hours. Then stayed awake for the rest of the night because of nightmares. She could feel herself spiralling as she looked out into the night. She could see her reflection, the black and red eyes she missed seeing from the person she loved the most. She wondered why she had friends. She was a monster. She looked like a monster. She had killed someone before. She still wanted to be a hero.. but maybe it would be better if she was by herself after all..

*

"Okay, mom.. I'm off." She stood in the living room doorway, watching her mother. She just sat there on the couch, staring at the wall even though the tv was going. She didn't respond to her, and it made her sigh. Two days of both of them slowly growing silent again. But for an actual reason. Kaida pulled herself together, ready to walk once she grabbed her umbrella. She probably looked like garbage. She still looked clean and all, but the bags under her eyes were evidence that she hadn't slept the last few nights. Her body language no longer showed how happy she was, how confident. Her head was no longer held high with a smirk on her face. Her shoulders weren't back, insecurely slumped forward. One hand held her other arm, keeping herself closed off from anyone and everyone. Even her friends. She remembered what Katsuki had said to her. But.. she needed to be alone. Whether to grieve or otherwise. At least she didn't have to use crutches. While she walked through the streets, she could hear people muttering as they pointed her out. Some even congratulated her on being third place. There was one thing that stuck with her, just one little comment.

"Don't you think that quirk of hers makes her look like a spider?" She never thought of her quirk like that. She mulled over that thought for a while before pushing it to the back of her mind.

Walking in the rain didn't seem to help her gloominess, it only bringing her down more as it tapped against the top of her umbrella. She sighed to herself, brushing her hair back over her shoulder. She hadn't bothered to put it up, it gave her too many headaches anytime she did these past few days, so she settled for having it down, brushing a few strands behind her ear as she approached the campus. She was there a few minutes before the first bell, and she was sure she saw Midoriya ahead of her, but she wasn't ready to talk with anyone just yet. She made it into the building without anyone stopping her, her putting away the umbrella before making her way to the classroom. She was about to enter the classroom when she heard footsteps coming towards her, her glancing to see who it was. "Ah, Mr. Aizawa.."

"Hiyama. I heard about what happened. My deepest condolences. Principle Nezu wanted me to inform you, that if you're not ready to come back yet, you're not obligated to." The man had come to a stop in front of her, an indifferent tone and look to him, but his eyes showed he was concerned for his student. Kaida looked at the man in surprise before shaking her head.

"Oh.. Thank you, but I need to be here. I can't just sit at home and do nothing. I can't let something like this hold me back. Even if it was my family.." He sighed, shaking his head a little.

"If you're sure. Don't let the grief control you, then. And don't block yourself off from anyone. The rest of your classmates are worried about you, ya know. Find peace in your friends, they're the best support system anyone can have." She looked away, feeling ashamed before nodding, a small and grateful smile coming to her face.

"R..right. Thank you, Mr. Aizawa. Also, it's good to see you out of your bandages." He simply nodded before opening the door for them, her walking in first. A good amount of the students jumped up, surprised to see the girl, who just lost a parent, back in school so soon. They all expected her to take a few more days off. She just nodded to them, eyes downcast with that smile, from her conversation with their teacher, still on her face. She made her way to her seat, quietly slipping into it before feeling a hand on her shoulder. She looked to see nothing there, but she knew. She raised her hand to rest it on top of Hagakure's, giving it a reassuring squeeze. It went away after that as Aizawa walked in.

"Good morning, Mr. Aizawa!"

"Ribbit? Mr. Aizawa, you don't have bandages anymore. That's good news." Tsu pointed out. He sighed and scratched at his face, like he was embarrassed.

"The old lady went a little overboard in her treatment. Anyway. We have a big class today on Hero Informatics." Kaida froze. Oh no, if it was a test, she didn't bother to study for it! "You need codenames. Time to pick your hero identities." She released the breath she was holding before jumping at everyone getting excited about getting to choose their names. Aizawa growled, activating his quirk in annoyance. That made everyone quiet down real quick. "This is related to the pro hero draft picks that I mentioned the last time we were in class together. Normally, students don't have to worry about the draft yet. Not until their second or third year actually, but your class is different. In fact, by extending offers to first-years like you, pros are essentially investing in your potential. Any offers can be rescinded if their interest in you dies down before graduation, though."

"So, what you're saying is, we'll still have to prove ourselves after we've gotten recruited." Hagakure asked, her leaning forward and twisting Kaida's loose hair around in her hands. It didn't bother her, it actually soothed her a bit.

"Correct. Now. Here are the totals for those who got offers." With a press of a button, a hologram appeared against the blackboard, showing the class number of offers. Kaida's name was third on the board, her gasping at the amount of offers she had received.

Kaida Hiyama: 2,958

Everyone started going on about the numbers, while Kaida was stuck there, trying to figure out how she managed to get that many. "Despite these results, you'll all be interning with pros. Got it? Even those of you who didn't get any offers."

"Oh, so we're all interning?" Midoriya's voice chimed in, and she noted that she hadn't seen his name up there. Poor kid.

"Yes. You already got to experience combat with real villains during the attack on the USJ facility." Just the mention of it made her abdomen hurt. "But it'll still be helpful to see pros at work. Up close and personal, in the field. Firsthand." She heard Uraraka giggling happily at the thought while Sato concluded that that was why they needed hero names.

"Things are suddenly getting a lot more fun!" Uraraka sounded pretty happy about it, everyone did. It wasn't meant to be fun.

"These hero names will likely be temporary, but take them seriously or.."

"You'll have hell to pay later!" The classroom door slammed open as the R-rated hero herself walked in. Kaida felt her face turning red just looking at the woman. "What you pick today could be your codename for life. You better be careful, or you'll be stuck with something utterly indecent."

"Yeah. She's got a good point. Midnight is going to have final approval over your names. It's not my forte." Aizawa said, rifling under the podium to grab his sleeping bag. "The name you give yourself is important. It helps reinforce your image and shows what kind of hero you wanna be in the future. A codename tells people exactly what you represent. Take 'All Might' for example."

Kaida was handed a few boards, taking one and passing them back, like the other rows were doing, along with a marker. She stared at the board in her hand, not sure what to write. She went through it in her head over and over again, but it kept going back to one name. Just one. So, she wrote it. She stared at it to pass the time, feeling her eyes tearing up as she gripped the board. Soon, it seemed like everyone was done, and she looked towards the front to see her teacher was fast asleep. Poor man never slept either, huh?

"Now, students, who among you is ready to share?" Kaida's head snapped to look at Midnight. She didn't know they would be presenting them! She gripped the board a little tighter, feeling it trying to give way under the pressure of her hands. She noticed that Aoyama was already up and ready to show his off. She wanted to laugh at his but she felt like hers was pretty stupid in itself. Midnight fixed his before Mina ran up and presented hers. Midnight immediately shot her down, sending her back to her seat. Huh, Kaida really liked that one.

Next was Tsu's and she actually found it super cute. It fit the frog girl. Next up was Kirishima, who had a pretty good hero name, too. It was a little inspiring to hear his story. And soon, one after the other was up, but she still couldn't bring herself to get up. Like something was keeping her from doing it. Bakugo was soon up, but was quickly shot down. She shook her head at him as Ochaco shyly stood in front of the class.

"This is the name I thought of: Uravity!"

"I just love that!" The girl sat down as she continued. "To be honest, choosing names is going faster than I thought it would. All we have left is young Bakugo, who needs to rethink his, and Iida. Oh, yes, Midoriya and Hiyama, too." Kaida ducked her head as she was called out. But she couldn't move. Iida ended up going, using his real name. After he sat down, she called on Midoriya, who walked up there with a determined look. He sat the board down, making the class gasp and question the boy.

"Izu.. Are you sure you want to use that?" Kaida asked him, holding her board close to her chest.

"Yeah, man, remember, that could be your name forever." Kirishima chimed in. Midoriya looked down, not really seeming fazed by it.

"Right. I used to hate it. But, then, something changed. I guess... Someone taught me that it could have a different meaning. And that had a huge impact on how I felt. So, now I really like it. Deku. That has to be my codename!" Kaida smiled at him before looking down at her board as Bakugo ran back up there with basically the same name. She read over the name again before erasing it and rewriting.

"Hiyama, are you ready?" She quickly looked up before looking back at the board, taking a deep breath as she rose to her feet and stood in front of the class. She gently set the board up for all to see, a small smile on her face.

"What kind of name is that? Your quirk isn't even spider themed!" Bakugo called out, crossing his arms. She knew he was just mad because he got turned down twice.

"Well.. It was going to be something my dad used to call me. Chimera.. but.." She looked down, feeling tears prick in her eyes once again. "Even though it will always mean something to me. There are bad things connected to it, and maybe one day I'll tell you. All of you. But for now, I just want to make my own path to break away from it. To weave my own web, if you will." There was a soft glint in her eyes,b life back into them. "There are people, recently, who somehow made a connection between my fighting style and quirk. And I'm taking that as a sign to be me for a change. Not being controlled to be someone I'm not.

"So, from now on. I am Arachne."

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[prolestari]

Summer Vacation

Here it is! My submission for @sinswap! I had about a dozen different ideas, but I ultimately had to settle on some silliness with the Three Misfits. Please enjoy! I cannot wait to see who I am paired with, and what that person comes up with for this story. This was incredibly fun, so thank you to the organizers!

It was the first day of summer vacation, and Gilthunder was already bored.

At the end of July, the boys and girls in the academy were given six weeks of rest and relaxation. Six glorious weeks of swimming, games, exploring, fun. Six wonderful weeks of sleeping in late and staying up later, chasing fireflies and ladybugs, playing ball in the street, climbing trees, jumping in the river. Six amazing weeks without constant adult supervision, without history and geography, without essays and training and maths.

But things were a bit different now. He was eight, and eight-year-olds did not catch frogs or use play swords or chase one another in tag. Eight-year-olds would be enrolling in the early Holy Knight training in the fall, and Gilthunder felt as though he needed to be prepared for it. So when his cousin Griamore showed up to ask him to go fishing, Gilthunder refused. “We need to be serious, Griamore,” he scolded his cousin. “Childhood is now behind us.”

“It is?” asked Griamore with a frown. “Damn.”

“Don’t be vulgar,” Gil chided him. “We’re not allowed to say bad words.”

The two ended up lounging a bit on the terrace outside the castle kitchens, watching birds fly by and pick at the scraps tossed out by the cook. “This is boring,” Gilthunder sighed, deciding that adulthood was not for him after all.

“Can we go fishing now?” Griamore asked, but Gilthunder shook his head. “Let’s go patrol,” he said, standing. “Maybe we can find that kid again, the one who gave us trouble before.”

“Yeah!” the other boy shouted, so off they went, hurrying through the castle at breakneck speed. At last they cleared the open gates and entered the city proper, weaving their way expertly down the narrow cobblestone streets. It was a hot day, but luckily not humid, and the sellers lined every inch of Liones with their carts, the shops with windows and doors open, the taverns readying their signs with the day’s luncheon options. People milled about, going about their business, and now with the start of summer break, children moved in packs or carted younger siblings around, playing and running and sniffing around the candy shops.

Gilthunder raised his chin a bit, trying to exude an air of authority. He was the son of the Grand Master, which practically made him second-in-command. His eyes darted over the children who ran around them, smiling appreciatively at their games. He looked fondly over a group of boys, around six or seven, picking sticks for a game of Steal the Broom. Ah, to be so carefree.

“Where do we look?” Griamore asked, and Gilthunder paused for a moment. “His dad is a blacksmith on the east side, right? So let’s head there.”

Together they struck towards the eastern end of the city, keeping their eyes sharp for the boy they had encountered less than two weeks ago. He had been scrawny and dirty with a mouth much too big for his looks. Gil had caught him stealing a bicycle, but he wasn’t stealing it he was borrowing it, as the boy had shouted back at him. As the son of the Great Holy Knight, Gil knew it was his duty to apprehend the kid; but that had proven harder than it looked.

There were words exchanged on each side, most of it about how dumb the other was and how big the other’s mother’s ass was, before the boy flicked his nose at Gilthunder and turned to leave. But the aspiring knight would not let him escape, and he grinned when he stepped in front of him, blocking his exit, feeling the new energy that had just awakened over the winter holidays sparking under his hands. They got into a bit of a scuffle, only broken up when the baker stepped out to send them both off, so they agreed to meet and finish their fight ten minutes later behind the bookseller.

When Gilthunder had arrived, flanked by Griamore and their friend Gustaf (who was looking very puffed up to be a part of such an elite gang), he was taken aback a bit by the small crowd of children that had gathered to watch. Once the match began they circled each other, fists raised, and both boys took half-hearted swipes at each other, neither quite sure what to actually do.  

But then Gil got it into his head to surprise the boy, and called on his growing powers to send a little bolt of electricity at him. The spark landed on his neck and he had yelped in surprise, his eyes wide as he stared at him with a hand clasped on his neck. Gil smiled smugly, about to claim victory, when something very unexpected had happened: Gilthunder found himself blown by a sudden gust of wind halfway down the alley, landing in a heap of garbage.

Now Gilthunder grumbled a few choice curses under his breath as they searched around the streets close to the smithy. It was humiliating to be taken out by nothing more than a street kid, and he was saved by Griamore when a grown-up had come around to see after the commotion. Gil had been a bit dazed from the blow, but his cousin had gotten him up and out of there before they were caught, disappearing along with the other children into the neighborhood. But later, as he fumed and picked dirt out of his hair and clothes from the garbage, he vowed to find him again and settle the score as a knight.

He was mulling this over as he and Griamore rounded a corner into an alley and spotted the familiar head of long, dark blonde hair. “Hey you!” Gil shouted, charging ahead before drawing up short a few feet away. “I’ve been looking for you!”

“Huh?” The boy looked up from a crate he was rummaging through, a frown on his face. “Who’s looking for--oh. It’s you.”

He straightened up and put his hands on his hips. Their heights were just about even, and he smirked as he looked Gilthunder up and down. “Those are some fancy clothes on ya,” he said. “You come back to get knocked into the trash bin again?”

“No, I came to apprehend you for stealing, again,” Gilthunder retorted.

“Stealing? I’m not stealing.” The boy looked truly offended. “Old Man Barden puts junk he doesn’t want out here. He’s got some good stuff. Look at what I found in the crate last week.” He pulled something out of his pocket and lifted it to his lips, giving a blow. A piercing whistle echoed through the alley, making both Gilthunder and Griamore jump. “Great, huh?”

Griamore nodded and put his hand out, and the boy handed over the small pipe for him to try. But Gilthunder just huffed in annoyance and said, “Well, it doesn’t matter! You assaulted the son of the Grand Master, and it won’t stand!”

“What?” the boy asked, pocketing his treasure. “Who’d I salt?”

“As-sault,” Gilthunder corrected. “Me. I’m the son of the Grand Master.”

He folded his arms in punctuation, but the boy just doubled over laughing. “No you ain’t!”

“I am too!”

“Ain’t!”

“I am!”

“He really is,” Griamore interjected.

“Prove it,” the boy answered smugly.

The two cousins glanced at each other. “I could swear it?” Gilthunder asked. “I’ll swear on the princess.”

“Gil!” hissed Griamore. “You can’t do that!”

“Margaret will understand,” he answered. “It’s the truth anyway.”

He turned back to the boy, who was eyeing them suspiciously. “Why’d you call her Margaret and not Highness?”

Gilthunder puffed up a bit. “Because we’re friends. In fact, I’m going to be assigned her guard next year.”

“No way!”

“Yes way!”

“Hold on.” The boy moved closer, getting right into Gilthunder’s face. “Are you telling me… you know the princess of Liones? The actual, real live Princess Margaret?”

“Yup,” he answered with a smug grin. “And Princess Veronica.”

The boy gasped. “Can you please let me meet them? I have to meet them.” Gil frowned, but before he could ask, the kid was clutching his chest and moaning, “She is so beautiful. I saw her at the harvest festival last year. That’s when I decided I was gonna be a Holy Knight because I’m definitely gonna marry her.”

Gilthunder snorted. “You can’t marry her,” he said, but the boy protested, “Yuh huh! When I’m a Holy Knight! My old man wants me to be a blacksmith but I gotta marry a princess. I’m gonna be the best Holy Knight in Liones, maybe even Grand Master!”

He heard Griamore laugh next to him, but his eyes went wide as the boy hugged himself. “Then I’m gonna get the princess, and I’m gonna marry her, and I’m gonna kiss her like this--” And here he started making kissy noises, smooching his arms, before falling onto the ground and rolling around. “She’s gonna be my girlfriend.”

Now Griamore was laughing and whooping at the silly display, but Gilthunder clenched his fists, little sparks bursting out from between his fingers. “You can’t marry the princess, you twit!” he growled. “Now stop saying that!”

The boy stopped rolling around, laying on his back on the ground to look up at him. “If you take me to meet them, I’ll believe that you’re the son of the Grand Master.”

“I don’t care if you believe me,” Gilthunder answered, knowing that was not at all true.

“Fine.” The boy sat up and smiled sweetly. “Then I’m gonna tell everyone you’re a liar.”

A moment ticked by as Gilthunder growled under his breath before he shouted, “Fine!”

He stormed off towards the exit to the alley, leaving the others to follow. Behind him, he heard the boy say, “Is he always like this?” to which Griamore replied, “Not really. I think you just get on his nerves.”

Together they three headed through the streets towards the castle. The sun had climbed higher, rising the temperature, not even a cloud to give a bit of relief. Gil was anxious to get back and get some cold water, maybe even a lemonade, but a few minutes later the boy pulled up short. “Crap!” he yelled. “I forgot something! Hang on!”

He took off running, and Gilthunder shouted, “Hey! Wait up!” before he and Griamore gave chase.

The followed him down one street after another before he skidded to a stop before a very quaint looking house. “More stealing, probably,” Gil whispered to Griamore, but to both of their surprise, he stepped up and knocked on the door. “Mrs. Land?” he called. “It’s me, Howzer.”

“Howzer!” The oldest lady Gilthunder had ever seen opened the door, her frail and wrinkled frame bent over a cane. “You’re late today.”

“Sorry, Mrs. Land,” he answered. “I was hanging out with…” He looked over his shoulder and frowned. “What’s your names again?”

“I’m Griamore, and this is Gilthunder,” came the answer, and Gil scowled at his cousin’s friendly tone.

“Nice boys,” the old lady said, and Howzer gestured at them to follow her inside.

The house was cramped, cozy, and filled with stuff. The two boys looked around curiously at the knick-knacks that lined the walls, but their attention snapped back when Howzer called their names. “Griamore! Gil-whatever! Come grab these?”

Griamore started forward, Gil following reluctantly behind. Then he found his arms filled with a bag that was more awkward than heavy. “Thank you boys,” the old woman said. “Here’s your payment, Howzer.”

“Thanks Mrs. Land,” he recited. Gil tried to see how much money she gave him, but ended up following him out and down the street, sent off with another wave and thanks from the woman. The trio walked down the street a bit until they reached a dump site. Then Howzer heaved his bag inside, followed by the ones the others carried.

“Who was that?” Griamore asked as Howzer reached into his pocket.

“Just some lady,” he answered. “I take out her trash every few days. One of my summer jobs. Pop says I gotta.”

He pulled out his hand and Gilthunder was surprised to see that instead of money, he held the largest muffin he had ever seen. Howzer broke it into thirds and handed a piece to Griamore before offering one to Gil.

“This is how you get paid?” he asked as he took the piece suspiciously.

“Yeah,” said Howzer around a mouthful. “Why, what’s wrong with muffins?”

“This is good!” Griamore exclaimed through his own stuffed mouth.

Tentatively Gilthunder tried the muffin. It really was great, delicious in fact, and eagerly he gobbled up the rest. “Let’s get going,” he said as he wiped his hands on his pants, and they set off again.

They reached the castle quickly, the only other detour a brief stop at a fountain to wash their hands and splash around a little. The warm water was refreshing, and it was a relief to Gil to wipe off some of the perspiration that was clinging to his hands and neck, even if Griamore did manage to get his left sleeve all wet with an unexpected splash in his direction. As the gates got closer, however, Howzer looked nervous for the first time. “Are… are we really going in there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Gilthunder shot over his shoulder. “I thought you wanted to meet the princesses.”

“You mean--you really do know them?!” he shrieked, but Gilthunder did not answer as they walked through the gate. He waved to the guard, who nodded back, and was pleased to hear Howzer give a “Woahhhh,” under his breath.

Gilthunder enjoyed the way Howzer oohed and ahhed over the castle. He took them purposefully the long way, so he could see the stables and the guard posts for the Holy Knights. By the time they reached the garden where he knew the princesses would be spending their time before lunch, Howzer’s eyes were so large they looked as if they might slip out of his head, his cheeks bright from a combination of excitement and the heat.

The three boys crowded together behind a line of shrubbery, peeking through the leaves. “Quiet!” hissed Gilthunder at the other two, who nodded.

He peered over the top and spotted dark violet hair nearby. “Veronica!” he hissed. “Over here!”

She looked over her shoulder, then her mouth dropped open in surprise. “Gil? What are you doing?” she whispered back, crawling over.

“Can you get rid of the nurse?” he asked.

“Why?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“We got something to show you, just do it!”

Veronica nodded and hurried away towards where her sisters were sitting with the nursemaid. Margaret sat on a blanket, stacking blocks with little Elizabeth, barely two years old. “Nanny!” she cried. “I want some tea. Can you go and get some?”

“Tea? In this heat?” The woman fanned herself. “I don’t--”

“Pleeeeeeeeeease?” Veronica whined.

The nurse pressed her lips together as the girl smiled and batted her eyelashes. “All right. Let me just call for someone to take Elizabeth--”

“We’ll watch her!” cried Veronica. “You’ll only be gone a few minutes. Margaret and I can handle her. Pretty please?”

With a weary sigh the nurse headed back inside the castle. Once out of sight, she grabbed Margaret’s hand, leaving the toddler to knock over the blocks as she hauled her to the bushes. “Veronica, what in the world--”

She stopped short as the three boys popped out of the bushes. “Gil!” she cried, a blush rising to her cheeks. “What--what are you-- why are you here?”

He cleared his throat, every bit as flustered as she, but before he could stammer out a reply Griamore said, “We made a new friend who wanted to meet you.” Gilthunder looked over as Griamore gave a nudge to the boy with his elbow. “Go on, Howzer.”

But Howzer stood frozen, his mouth dropped open in shock. “Howzer?” Gilthunder asked, stifling a laugh.

“It’s… princess…” he whispered.

Both boys and girls giggled at that. “Howzer, is it?” Margaret asked with a smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Princess…” breathed the boy.

She and Veronica exchanged a glance. “Yeah, this is some great thing to show us,” Veronica said sarcastically. “Hello? Are you alive?”

Veronica waved her hand in front of Howzer’s blank stare, and suddenly he blinked and swallowed. “Your-your-H-Highness,” he stammered. Suddenly he stepped out and gave a bow. “I am here to ask for a kiss.”

“A what?” she gasped, but Gilthunder moved next to her. “You didn’t say that!” he snapped.

Howzer clutched his hands together nervously and looked at Margaret. “Your Highness, I want to be the greatest Holy Knight in Liones, and win the hand of a princess. Please, can you give me a kiss, so I can fulfill my dream?”

“You are not kissing her,” Gil insisted.

“Yeah,” Griamore agreed. “You’re not even a knight yet.”

“And you can’t be the greatest Holy Knight,” continued Gil. “That’s my dad and Meliodas, the captain of the Seven Deadly Sins. No way you’ll be as good as them.”

Howzer scowled at him, his fists clenching and looking ready to spring, but Margaret’s giggle interrupted them. “I’m sorry, Sir Howzer,” she said gently. “But my father doesn’t allow me to give kisses yet.”

“Oh.” The situation now diffused, the boys just looked embarrassed. Then Howzer looked hopefully at Veronica, who squealed, “Ew! No way!”

“I know!” Gilthunder laughed. “You can kiss Elizabeth!”

“Elizabeth?” Howzer groaned. “I’m not kissing a baby!”

Veronica laughed and clapped her hands. “Sure you can! That’s a great idea!” She grabbed Howzer’s hand and pulled him forward, but when they reached the blanket, Elizabeth was gone.

“Where is she?” Margaret cried. “We left her right here!”

There was a panicked moment when everyone looked around for the toddler, but she was nowhere to be found. “Gil!” wailed Margaret, her hands covering her cheeks. “We need to find her!”

He nodded. As the future protector of the royal family, it was his job to make sure the princess was rescued. “Margaret, you stay here,” he said, assuming the role of leader. “Griamore and Veronica, check around the bushes and see if she crawled away. Howzer and I will look down the path a bit.”

Turning to Howzer, who looked a bit panic-stricken, he pointed a finger and said, “You’re coming with me.”

The blonde nodded and quickly followed behind. They looked under benches, around flower beds, and Howzer even climbed a little wall to check around. “Where could she be?” Gilthunder wondered aloud.

“There!” Howzer pointed to a wall of the garden, and Gil raced after him as he jumped and ran over.

Together they stood looking up. Sure enough, the two-year-old was yelling, “Gil! Gil!” and sitting on a windowsill about six feet off the ground.

“How in the world…?” Gil said, but Howzer nudged his arm with his elbow and pointed. There was a trellis covered in vines attached the wall, easy enough for a little one to climb up.

“She’s pretty brave,” Howzer commented as Gilthunder grabbed onto the trellis. But a moment later he stepped back. “I don’t think it will hold my weight.”

“Get underneath the window and hold your arms out.” Gil looked over with his brows drawn, but Howzer licked his lips, looking up at the princess. “Come on, I got an idea. Trust me.”

“Uh…” Gilthunder moved carefully under the windowsill as Howzer raised his hands. “What are you gonna do?” he yelped, but at that moment, a small tornado appeared from his hands. It swept through the air and up, and a moment later, Elizabeth was knocked from the blast off of the windowsill.

“Wait!” Gil shouted, but the girl landed in his arms, her eyes wide in shock. “Elizabeth? Are you okay?”

Elizabeth let loose a babble of words that surely made sense to the girl. But Gil turned and glared at Howzer, slinging the toddler onto his hip. “You idiot!” he snapped. “You can’t send a tornado at a princess!”

Howzer shrugged. “She’s down, isn’t she? Besides, I knew it would work. I did it on a cat once.”

“Ahem.”

Both boys froze at the deep male voice. Their eyes connected as Elizabeth squirmed down, and they turned to see her run to a very tall, stern-looking man, who bent down to scoop the girl up easily.

“Uncle Dreyfus!” Gil cried. “Sir!” He gave a quick bow, and Howzer followed suit.

“Who is this?” he snapped, and both boys cringed as they straightened. “Why is Elizabeth out here?”

Both boys immediately launched into an explanation, but after a moment Dreyfus raised a hand and silenced them. “Enough.” He peered down at the newcomer with narrow eyes. “What is your name, boy?”

“H-Howzer, sir,” he stammered.

“Howzer, hm?” Dreyfus echoed. “And where did you learn that little trick, Howzer?”

He and Gilthunder exchanged a glance. “I dunno, sir? It just comes out.”

“Who is your father?” When Howzer turned a bit pale, he repeated, “Who is your father?”

“Raizer, sir!” he squeaked. “The blacksmith!”

“We met last week, Uncle,” Gilthunder interjected. “I just invited him up here to--”

“Enough.” Gil’s mouth snapped shut as the knight’s eyes went back and forth between them. “I came looking for Griamore and am not surprised to see the lot of you up to something. Now Gil, take your friend and see him to the gate. You, young Howzer, head straight home, understood? I’ll be by to see your father later.”

“Yes sir,” they both mumbled, hurrying off.

They walked in silence back through the castle, and stopped just before they reached the gate. “Sorry I got you in trouble,” Howzer mumbled.

“Nah,” replied Gil, sounding more confident than he felt. “He’s not that bad.”

“Do you think he’s gonna tell my pop?” Howzer asked. “If a Holy Knight shows up at the door my pop’s gonna give birth to kittens!”

Gilthunder chuckled. “You’ll be all right.”

“Yeah.” Howzer turned to go, but then glanced back. “See ya tomorrow? We got another job, and I have a really good spot for us to dig.”

“Uh… yeah! Sure!” Gilthunder returned the boy’s wave as he ran through the gates and disappeared down the path to the city. After a moment he turned to go find Griamore and fill him in on the plan for tomorrow, assuming they wouldn’t be scrubbing a stall in punishment. Maybe the summer wouldn’t be so boring after all.

[scarybalkanlady]

ryan and i broke up earlier

It was the right decision. It was becoming just too clear recently that we were fundamentally incompatible in a number of key ways. We are very different people to begin with and a lot of that can be worked through, but he ultimately decided that he did want a relationship that involved sex and potentially even children and there was just no way for us to reconcile that and stay together

We were arguing so frequently about random crap in the past month that i started to feel like he was trying to push me away, and as usual my gut instinct was correct. I see now that he was trying to self-sabotage the relationship, perhaps subconsciously at first. He kept saying over and over that he though i deserved better and that he worried that he wasn’t the person to make me happy blah blah blah, but i chalked it up to one of his bouts of depressive self-loathing because he was having a lot of unemployment-related stress, and things seemed much better recently since he started a new job and was no longer worrying about money. Just earlier today before i left his apartment he was kissing me and hugging me. he texted me later saying he loved me. 

And then i wound up driving him home later after he went out with some friends from his old job and had way, way too much to drink. He was drunker than i’ve ever seen him before; he could barely even stand, let alone walk. I was worried about him because he has such a low tolerance anyway due to being diabetic, and after he’d spent a good fifteen minutes throwing up in the bathroom, i tried to get him to drink some water because he was so dehydrated. And then the usual drunken self-loathing just started pouring out of him: are you sure you want to deal with this kind of thing, you can do better than me, you can have anyone you want, why not an ace guy instead of me, etc. etc. 

Then that suddenly morphed into him essentially trying to talk me into breaking up with him, and that’s when all of the other stuff started spilling out. At first i was just in disbelief but then it started to get incredibly hurtful. I’d thought he was happy. He’d seemed happy and TOLD ME he was happy, dumb arguments notwithstanding. We’d always talked things out and resolved them immediately. We’d learned how to communicate better, or so i thought. Now he seemed to want me to break up with him and even to hate him, to prove some kind of fucking point about how fundamentally unlovable he was or whatever the fuck.

But what hurt most of all, worse than anything else, was that he revealed, in a harsh, cold voice, that he’d been using porn for the duration of our relationship while lying to me about it, and that he’s used it since he was twelve. He claimed he hadn’t said anything before because i’d “never asked,” which is a load of mendacious fucking garbage because i’ve made clear to him how i feel about porn and the sex industry generally on many occasions. He knew how i felt, and it didn’t matter enough to him to be honest with me or try to stop even though he knows it’s fucked up and admits it. 

He fed me all of the usual pathetic excuses: “i use it to cope with and normalize the fact that my older sister molested me for years, i at least pay for it, i don’t watch the abusive stuff, blah blah blah etc.” I could feel my mouth going dry and my heart constricting while i listened to this. “Why weren’t you honest with me? why did you lie to me?” i finally managed to say. He said it was because he knew i would have left immediately. I said, “i can forgive almost anything except lying and hiding things from me. You claim i never asked you but that was because you TOLD me that you didn’t watch it during an argument we had about it, that you weren’t one of those people. You knew I wasn’t okay with that stuff, and you deliberately hid it from me. You lied to me. At least tell me this: you know that i would have asked you to stop watching that shit. If i’d asked, would you have stopped?” And the answer was no, probably not. He doesn’t care enough to stop: not about himself or the women on the screen. Not even about me, someone who loves him. 

I feel so stupid now, thinking maybe he was different. I didn’t know. I just didn’t know. Was it because I was afraid to know? Because I didn’t want to dash the hope that he really was different?

i’m a victim of sexual abuse too, albeit a different kind, but i’ve worked so hard to recover from what was done to me. I go to therapy, i try to cope in healthy ways, and even though i still have my hard times due to depression and ptsd and probably always will to an extent, i try to keep moving forward. Recovery is never in a straight line, but it’s still worth working for, it’s worth fighting for. Deep down, he doesn’t want to get better, because he’s afraid to. Now i see that he wasn’t even willing to try, not even for my sake. Easier to just go back to what’s familiar, to having a string of failed relationships based on sex and little else, to doing all the things considered “normal” for straight men to do in our society regardless of how it warps them and hurts the people they come in contact with, to being with women who don’t care if he watches porn because “that’s just what guys do lol” and who never challenge him on anything, never challenge him to do better, to BE better.

“Go ahead, hate me,” he said. “I’ve told you this because i know it’ll make you hate me. If that’s how i can make it easier for you to leave me behind and move on and feel righteous, i’m okay with that. I know the only thing i’m good for, and it’s sex. I’m too broken for anything else. I’m the person people date before they meet the right person; that’s what i’ve been for all of my exes and that’s what i am for you. Now you can go and meet the ace guy you actually want and deserve.” 

i felt so tired listening to this, just so tired and drained. I’d stopped crying by that point. Deep down i’d known it couldn’t last, but i’d never imagined it ending like this.

“I don’t hate you,” i said. “I pity you. Some part of you wants a relationship that’s truly healthy but you’re also afraid of it. You’re not willing to do the work that it requires. You don’t want to get better--you’ve told me as much. All these excuses and justifications you tell yourself, i’m not sure you really believe them, but you also don’t want to let go of them. Being abused doesn’t give you the right to consume abuse and exploitation and help keep the demand for it running. You’re a hypocrite in more ways than one, like everyone else who claims to care about women but watches this shit. 

I know your sister fucked you up, i know she destroyed your health and happiness and hurt you in a way that you’ll never be completely free from. i know you were failed by the people who were supposed to love and protect you while she gets to go and have a normal life and sleep easily at night and not have seizures or flashbacks or nightmares that she takes meds for or have to give a single solitary shit about what she’s done to you. I know what it does to you, carrying this inside you, how much it hurts you. I’ve never thought i could ‘fix’ you, but i’ve always wanted and tried to support you in any way i could in taking steps to be a happier, healthier person, because i love you and that’s what people do when they love someone. And i think you’ve always been afraid of the fact that i can love you as a partner and companion and not because you make me cum or whatever the fuck. It frightens you that i can want you--emotionally, romantically, even physically--without wanting you sexually, because fucking is the only thing you think you have to offer. You hate yourself and that’s why you’ve been trying so hard to push me away lately.

And god--even now, if you said you know what you’re doing is wrong and you want to stop and i thought i could believe you, i’d be willing to support you in that. But you don’t want to. You don’t see how it’s wrong and what’s worse is you just don’t care, and i can’t help you with that. I can’t help you be a better person, and it’s not really my problem anymore. There’s nothing that will make this easier for me, and no, I don’t feel ‘righteous’ or any of the other things you’re accusing me of right now. I just feel sad, and tired. But hey, I’m sure you’ll find other companionship easily--you’re good at that, right?”

And then i gave him his key back, told him not to call me ever again, and left.

it couldn’t have lasted and i knew that. i think i’ve known it for the last month at least. But i was still willing to try, still willing to work on it because i loved him. To have it all fall apart just so fucking suddenly, and in this way...it just makes it so much worse. I know he loved me, but all the happy times we’ve had just feel tainted for me now. It feels like a lie, like I was used somehow. He’s said before that he liked the fact that I challenged him--was he lying to me or to himself? Maybe both? I’ve deleted his number and all of the pictures we took and i’ve blocked him, even though he knows better than to contact me because i’ve told him i’m not someone who can or wants to be friends with exes, and i certainly don’t want to be friends with him after this. I know he thinks he did me a favor, that he’s “freed” me or whatever, and knowing what I know now, it’s hard to disagree, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just want to erase all of this from my memory and heart but i know i can’t. 

Right now i just feel numb and in shock, and i don’t know how or when the pain will really hit. I can’t just switch off my feelings of loving him and missing him. Being with him was so good for me at first--it showed me that it was possible to feel love and affection for someone again, to feel safe with them. But then it all started slipping away. Was I ignoring the warning signs because i was so happy, because i wanted to believe it would really last? This is the longest relationship i’ve ever had, and this is how it ends. I don’t think it means i’m a failure, exactly, but does it mean i’m naive and stupid? Would somebody else have seen what I couldn’t or wouldn’t?

i have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon and i don’t even know how i’ll find the words to explain all this to him. I’ll probably just show him this post. I’m exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally and i need to sleep but I don’t know if I can.

[hamminnam]

Mini Phuot 2: Unexpected Phuot

So, not too long ago, I reintroduced you to “di phuot”. I knew that being in Da Nang would give me lots of opportunities for phuoting, and I was eager to get some serious di phuots going on. Today, however was meant to be a beach day. I have been underbeaching by Da Nang standards and I thought I needed to rectify that. So, today’s phuot was not planned. It just, kind of...happened. An unintentional, surprise phuot. This is that post.

I woke up late this morning, and found out I had to mark an essay online, so my planned beach day had to be postponed until a bit later. No worries, while at the cafe, Google told me that the beach I had pegged for today was only 30 minutes away. So, once I was ready I made a list of things I needed, remembered to pack about half of those, got on the road, and realized I had forgotten to pack the other half. That included water. No worries, the beach I chose was a relaxing beach, with umbrellas and beach service and all that. I’d buy a drink and a water when I got there. 

The beach I wanted, ‘bai bien bac”, is on the other side of Son Tra peninsula, which is a foresty area, full of wildlife. So on the way there, I say something quite wildlifey. A snake, a good 6 feet long, was slithering across the road just ahead of me as I was driving. I nearly ran over its tail (tail? do snakes have tails?) and it looked back at me. It was seriously “this” thick (look at the first photo when you read that part. That was for sure the biggest wild snake I’d ever seen.

I made great timing to get to the road to go down the mountain to bai bien bac. Unfortunately, for reasons unclear, that road was nicely blocked to all traffic. That’s what you do with nicely paved roads, after all. I asked the caretaker guy where “bai bien bac” was. He replied, “o day” (here). Okay...doesn’t look too beachy. Looks more like a mountaintop, but okay. Well “where do I swim”? He points up the hill. Hmmm. Up. riiighhhhhht. I tried it. I went up a bit, fully looking for a way down. I saw one, but it was the entry to a resort. I asked the kid guarding that road about it. 

Me, in Vietnamese “bai bien bac where?”. His answer, in English. “No”. Hmmm... let’s try this a different way. Me, still in Vietnamese. “Swim where. There, here, over there?”. Him: “NO!” I can’t swim? Ever? Wow. Harsh. One more time “I want swim, want beach, go where?” Him. “NO NO NO”.

I decided to try my luck with the first guy again. No dice. He was very Gandalfian in his approach, all like “You shall NOT PASS!”. So, I checked Google maps. They said I could go the first way that Mr. Gandalf had pointed. So, I decided I’d go up in order to go down. On my way up, I passed a group of people, and asked them if this was the way to bai bien bac. They eagerly assured me I was on the right track. I made a joke about going up to go down. Though, I’m sure my humour was lost on them, since the Vietnamese word for ‘up’ is a lot like many other words, including ‘eel’. And ‘down’ also, including ribs. So, for that matter, who knew if they understood my first question at all. But I was ‘eeling’ to go ‘ribs’. 

As you can see in the second photo, there was some serious going up. I had never climbed so high to get to a beach, but I passed a few people who looked beachy enough along the way, including a Western guy who was in a bathing suit. On top of a mountain. It all seemed strange, but I kept at it. When my bike started sputtering, I got a bit concerned. This beach had better be soon. My poor bike might not be happy otherwise. And my poor underbeached body would be too. In fact, in the moments that I was sure I was going the right way, I couldn’t help but feel this was the most beautiful place I had ever been. When I started to get bike-sputters, or started doubting, it was a jungle from hell. 

I started going downhill. Finally. When I passed from open jungle widish roads (picture 3) to closed jungle, however, the hills started picking up again. I got the bike-sputters. I decided to check with Google, whom I did not fully trust at this point. I was going the wrong way, Google said. Okay, well, I should turn back. I went back, but along the way saw Western swimmer dude again. I decided to try some English communication. I asked him if he knew of bai bien bac and where it was. “Oh, it’s behind you. You were going in the right way. You just go until you see the junction and you go right”. I replied, “there have been literally no junctions, and I was about to start going up a mountain. I don’t want that, I want to go down to a beach.” “Well, you have to go a steep mountain first, then you will see the junction”. 

I had to trust him. I kept going. Back to where I had been, and past it. That’s when the word steep started making sense. Much to the dislike of my poor bike, of course. I kept seeing signs suggesting there was a 10 percent incline. I think the sign must initially have had an extra zero that got rubbed off. 100 percent incline seems more correct. I first-geared it up. And up. And up. Brief down periods were followed by long up periods. Eventually, the words of wet-Westerner were found to be true. A junction. I took the right route, the one going down. Fortunately. It had been a good 2 hours since leaving home, but I felt I was making progress. I can’t say that it was all downhill from there. In fact, there was still a lot of uphill. But the crazy ‘climb-a-mountain-straight-up-when-you’re-least-expecting moments were finally done. The strangest element was that I am sure I did not go down as much as I went up. And to make things crazier, I was on the top of a mountain when I started on the road. And I went up a steep hill from there. It was just a magical day, I suppose.

After I got to what must surely be the bottom, I didn’t know where to go, considering conflicting signs. Of course, at this point I was not surprised that none of the signs said bai bien bac. I was in a totally different area, anyways. But, I was close to some sort of beach, either way. I had two options. One way looked to stop, and it was guarded by a wild boar and a piglet anyways, so I decided to go to where I was sure I could find a beach, based on the sign (picture 6). I took the road, and it started to get rough. And rocky. And steep. Both up and down (picture 4). But, I was on the right track.

I ended up on a perch overlooking this fantastic beach, which required me to dismount and step down to. I want to say it was well worth it. I mean, it was, but I had about an hour before sunset, and I wanted to be home before dark in case those sputters turned into something serious. 

So, I went down, looked around, and there was nobody there. Nobody. No beer salesladies. No women in elaborate dresses posing. No mot-hai-ba-yo-ers. Nobdody. Just me. I set up shop, and went for a swim. It was gorgeous (pictures 5 and 7). Warm water. Coconuts in the trees. Noises from the jungle. A few pieces of garbage, but not terrible. 

To make this place even more fantastic, there was some sort of youth death trap (picture 8). A long wire was propped up between the top of the beach, which was kind of on a hill, and a rock far out in the water. This created a zipline for the contraption in the photo. This torture device had to be implemented from a chair on top of a table at the top of the hill, and the torturee had to let go before an abrupt stop when the zip-hold thing hit it’s blocking barrier, jerking you and throwing you into the salty ocean below. Quel horreur.

My way back was much quicker, much less sputterier and much more enjoyable. I had beached, and I had the snack I brought (no water though), and I was no longer worried about finding my way. I knew how to get there. Now, this area, the Son Tra Peninsula is known for its monkeys (recall my last di phuot post), and I saw many people with nice, long necked cameras (that’s the technical word, right?) along my route. On the way back I saw a whole group of students with their teachers, in front of their van, all staring up at something. I decided to stop and take a look. It turns out they were looking at monkeys (well, not monkeys apparently, something-something-something primates) with binoculars and even a telescope, which was set up on the road. I asked the kids if they had seen anything, and it turns out they had. They were actually just as in awe of me as the monkeys. The leaders gave me their binoculars and together we honed in on one, a beautiful creature perched on a tree. I was told these primates have 5 colours, a long tail and are leaf-eating. So, hopefully not those nasty monkeys that steal your ice cream. (Monkeys...*fist shake*). I even helped a little 5-ish year old girl see one in the binoculars. Actually, I’m not sure if she saw something in the trees. She alternated looks into the forest and at me, mouth agape at both. 

As I was leaving, one of the teachers said to me, “tell the world that we have such beautiful creatures in Vietnam. They must come and see”. I feel I have done my part. I can sleep soundly tonight.

I made it back to Da Nang just at dusk. I realized I wanted some seafood considering my day. I planned to go home, shower up, then see where to get the good stuff, but I had a hunch about something, so I decided to follow up on that. Along the beach within the city are food/drink stalls that sell fresh coconuts etc. and provide you with a chair to sit in while you gaze at the sea. I wondered if these would turn into seafood places at night. My hunch was confirmed to be correct. Upon asking the vendor if he had seafood, he emphatically said “yes”, and led me down onto the beach where a different woman had today’s catch in plastic tubs. I was to pay her for the seafood, then pay them to cook it. Sounds like a plan. 

The woman on the beach must have thought I had brought the monkeys back with me because she somehow thought I was ordering a kilo of crabs and a kilo of clams to eat. (Oh wait. Vegetarian monkeys. Don’t eat crab. I guess this lady doesn’t even know about her own peninsula’s monkeys. Abysmal). To her chagrin, I politely explained that I only want 2 crabs (okay, fine, 3), and a few clams (she gave me darned near a kilo anyways), as I was alone. No monkeys with me. We squared up, I returned to the initial area on the beachfront walkway, and sat down for a meal of butter-steamed crabs, ginger-lemongrass clams, and a fresh coconut to drink. 10 dollars well spent.

And obviously the moral here is: “you have to go up to go down”. Hmmmm... wait, that doesn’t sound right. Maybe it’s “the late monkey gets the crab”. Hmmm.... but if I hadn’t been late, I would have had more time at the beach. Okay, it’s “Wide roads lead to narrow paths, but narrow paths lead to steps leading to beaches”. Hmmmm....doesn’t have a nice ring to it. Maybe it’s “Just Phuot-It”.