#so i wanted to actually cry and im so upset to find half my groceries are disgusting this month

[reserwrekt]

I'm finally starting to be able to eat some solid food, and I'm like actually severely depressed to find the quality of meat products has gotten EVEN WORSE. Like every month, it's less spice in pantry meals, it's cheaper additives, it's less protein in birds eye family skillet meals, I'm fucking sick of it.

[sunghoonied]

Fluff 5 Misc 9 for Woobin please hehe im kind of deprived of woobin content and i really like ur writing so :> thank u!

can i request for fluff #5 and #7 for woobin (cravity)? thank u so muchㅠㅠ 

hi! so I combined these two requests because they were very similar! and I’m sorry for taking so much time, I study a lot for school so it’s kind of difficult to find the time and energy to write. I still hope you’ll like it, as I really liked writing it! lastly, happy Valentine’s Day!

Woobin (Cravity) with :

Fluff #5 : “OH you’re jealous!”

Fluff #7 : “Please just kiss me already.”

Misc #9 : “Stop being grumpy, it’s lame.

“Woobin! Stop being grumpy, it’s lame.” you whined, trying to get your boyfriend’s attention.

“Yn, let me live, I’m trying to win this game.” he answered, making you pout and cross your arms. 

“You’re not fun… why are you upset?”

He stayed silent, so you tried to remember the whole day to find out why he was upset with you.

The day had started off well as he had come to pick you up for your weekly date. It was a sort of tradition you had established about six months in your relationship as you were both quite busy with college work. He had brought up this idea of having a date per week which would last at least half of the day. You had immediately agreed as you knew it would help your relationship last longer.

“So where are we going today?” he had asked you. The dates weren’t always fully prepared, but it was okay for you, the aim of it was to spend some quality time together, after all.

“I don’t know, but I have to buy some food at the end of the day. My fridge is empty.” you laughed, earning a grin from your boyfriend.

“Okay, so we’ll stop at the grocery store on our way back.”

“What do you think about that : we just go to the park, you know the one with the pond? and we sit on a bench and spend the day observing the ducks and fishes. Then, we can go buy food, go back to my place, and you can stay the night.” you suggested, a happy tone clearly noticeable in your voice.

“Sounds good to me.” Woobin said with a smile.

You had spent the whole afternoon talking about college, your families, your worries, and plenty of other things while watching the ducks swim happily in the pond, listening to birds chirping and observing kis play together around the swingset. 

You then went to the grocery store to buy some food. There, you met one of your classmates, so obviously you talked together for a while, as you were quite close with him. Then, you drove back to your place, and that was when you noticed Woobin was acting weird.

Suddenly, you understood.

“OH! Woobin, you’re jealous!” you exclaimed, startling your boyfriend, almost making him lose his game.

“What? You know I never get jealous. I trust you.”

“Stop lying, you started acting weird when we met my friend at the grocery store!” you grinned, amused by Woobin’s denial.

“No! I was just surprised at the fact that you’re close friends with him but you never talked to me about him.”

He put the controller down on the coffee table and you took advantage of it, straddling his lap and wrapped your arms around his shoulders and neck.

“Are you sure you were just surprised that I never mentioned him to you?” you teased, a smirk dancing on your lips, making him groan.

“Fine! Yes, I was jealous. I always try not to let it get the best of me, because I trust you, I truly do, but I can’t help but get a little bit insecure when I see being close to other people, because maybe you actually deserve to be with someone better than me, maybe I’m actually not enough for you, and…” he sighed, “I don’t know, I’m just scared of losing you to someone else.”

Silence.

“But please know, I try to chase these thoughts from my mind… they just keep coming back.”

By the time he finished speaking, you had lost your smile. A pout was now adorning your face as you processed every word that had been pronounced by your boyfriend, your heart aching a bit.

As you took a while to answer, he got nervous. His heart was beating so fast and loud he was convinced you could hear it. He couldn’t look you in the eye, so instead, his gaze was focused on the rest of the room : the window, the bookshelf, your thighs, the kitchen on the other side of the room. Until he felt your face getting closer to his.

“Woobin,” you whispered, your lips almost against his, “I want you to know something.”

“What is it?” he asked, his voice barely audible.

“I love one person. That person is you, and I want it to be that way for the rest of my life. I want to keep loving you and only you for every second I have to live, I want you and only you, every day and every night, so please, please keep these words in mind and remind yourself of them whenever you feel insecure and I’m not around. And when I’m with you, please just show me how you’re feeling, by holding my hand or hugging me. I’ll understand. Okay?”

He pouted and for a second you thought he was going to cry. Instead, he sighed and said, “Please just kiss me already.”

You smiled before sealing your lips, your feelings for each other seeping in between your bodies to remind each other of how much love you had for one another.

[prettiestsupersoldier]

Obligatory Halloween Fic

Bucky x Black!Reader 

Happy Halloween!!! I forgot the tags because im a terrible person my b.

Series

“Mommy, can we dress baby girl up for Halloween?” Dom asks while you're out shopping. It was getting closer and closer to Halloween and he still hasn't decided on what he wanted to be, so you had decided to stop into a costume store and look around before heading home.

“Baby girl won't be out in time for Halloween.” Bucky and Dom had started referring to your belly as ‘baby girl’ right after you had found out that she was a girl and haven't stopped and over time it had slipped, so very easily, into your own vernacular that it was just a thing now. It was cute and you hoped that the nickname would carry on even after she was here.

His eyebrows were furrowed together in mild irritation. You felt bad that he looked so sad that his sister wouldn't be participating in Halloween but there was very little you could do.

“If you can find a costume for me and baby girl we can dress her up.” His eyes instantly lit up and you could practically see his brain working in overtime to come up with ways to get baby girl in a costume. He had decided that your trip to the store for his costume was over and that the hunt for her costume was on.

The entire car ride home he was laser focused on his tiny notepad, that Tony had given him, scribbling away at it nonstop occasionally looking out the window for something then going back to scribbling, leaving you to your own devices as you drove periodically looking in the rearview mirror to see him kicking his feet and erasing furiously.

By the time you pulled up to your place you could already see Bucky closing the front door of your apartment and heading towards the car.

It took Dom all of .5 seconds for him to notice Bucky walking up. He watched with hawk like vision as Bucky moved around the front of the car to open your door and help you out. Waited impatiently with a pout as he kissed your cheek and moved to the trunk of the car.

“Daddy!” Dom struggled to look back at where Bucky had disappeared to, reaching back as far as his tiny neck would allow.

“Yeah?” Bucky replied as he opened the trunk to grab the few grocery bags you had gotten while you were out, only to find a half eaten container of blueberries. He laughed already picturing the look on his son's face as you tried to walk past them

“Get me out!” Bucky could hear the frustrated kicks that accompanied the yelling. Bucky doesn't move an inch to help yet though just watching over the open trunk as Dom struggles more to unclip the car-seat belt. It breaks heart not being able to get him yet.

You were currently in the process of trying to teach Dom to use his ‘pleases��� and ‘thank yous’ more, which proved to be rather difficult for Bucky rather than Dom. Dom wasn’t really a daddy's boy per se, but Bucky was absolutely a Dominic dad being putty in his sticky little hands a the drop of a hat. He would bring his son the moon and the stars if he could, but more likely it was cookies from the top cupboard. All it took was one teary eyed look and Bucky was at his beck and call in an instant. Which was problematic and exactly why he was in this situation. So Bucky waited impatiently for the magic words so he could run over to his son in an instant.

“Please, daddy” He had finally made some eye contact with Bucky at this point, “get me out, please.” His lips were pouty and his brown eyes were almost swimming in unshed tears. Bucky practically ran over to the side of the car where Dom was fastened in and unclips his seat belt before lifting him up into his arms. Before Bucky can even open his mouth to ask Dom about his day he's being cut off.

“Baby girl needs a costume.”

“Well isn't mommy her costume?” Bucky has a smile as bright as the sun on his face while he looks at Dom. He looks over to where you are standing with the same smile only to see you and Dom giving him identical death stares. He admires, for just a minute, the both of you. The way you both have the same glint in your deep memorizing eyes, the way the corner of your lip turns up, both of you on the verge of laughing and both of you just barley holding it in. 

Its a hell of a sight. Two pairs of strikingly chocolate browns eyes trained on him, they’re disapproving eyes, but that doesn’t matter to him, not right now. The way both of your arms are folded across your chests. You and Dom are practically twins and he loves it.

“No.” Dom says gaining Buckys attention once again.

Bucky just laughs a little before leading the way back to the house.

After you're all inside and you had put the majority of the groceries away, by yourself, you hear Doms ever enthusiastic voice babbling away to Bucky about costumes. His voice is full of excitement and his eyes are wide and beaming as he grabs his notebook.

Bucky was sitting on the couch Dom sitting directly on top of his stomach as he flipped through the drawings in his notebook, forcing Buckys attention down to look at the pages.

“Not a scary face, she can't be scary.” 

“We could, but I don't think that would work, with just a face on her belly, that would be silly. What about a pumpkin?”

“No, mommy would have to be an ugly pumpkin patch.” He flipped through his notebook for a while longer showing Bucky the few drawings he had when Bucky stopped on one.

“Is that a basketball?” He was looking down at an orange scribble on one of the pages. It stood out more than the other scribbles and Buckys brain was already coming up with how to make the costume work.

“Yeah,” He says still flipping through even more drawings, “what else would it be?” An orange, Garfield the cat, some weird orange sick. It could be so many things honestly but Bucky didn't say them instead letting Dom continue his story about why he had drawn, explaining that he saw his uncle Sam playing basketball the day before and though it would be cool.

“Wanna watch a movie uncle Sam showed me?” Bucky asks not waiting for Dom to reply, knowing that of course he would wanna watch a movie, especially this movie because uncle Sam had showed it to him, and Dom loved uncle Sam. 

He gets up easily with Dom still basically sitting on top of him and makes his way to your room stopping by the entertainment center first. He looked for all of 30 seconds before he found the movie he was seeking out. Holding it strategically out of view from Dom when he grabbed it, he continued on his way to your room.

Once they had gotten to your room Dom broke free of his grip and dashed to your bed fully prepared to climb up and bounce on it. 

Bucky absolutely loved the blu ray player. It was hands down one of his favorite piece of technology. Way better than the stupid coffee machine Tony had bought that need a password to work, It was easier to work than his smartphone that Steve insisted he get that took pictures of his face every time he put his passwords in wrong, and was leaps and bounds in comparison to the laptop that sat dusty and uncharged on his desk. It had only taking him 30 minutes at most, with a very upset and crying Dom in the back, to learn how to work it and once he had figured he felt like he could take on the world and he had deemed that one of his top accomplishments.

So he when he walked over to the TV hanging above your dresser it only took seconds for him to slip the disk into place and press play. When he turned around Dom was struggling to get a good grip on your blankets to pull himself up. His hands are gripping tightly at the fitted sheets on Bucky's side of the bed, one leg just barely reaching the edge to pull himself up. It's truly a funny sight and Bucky thinks it's the best part about having such a tall bed.

“Need some help?” Bucky voice startles Dom so much he started to loses his grip on the sheets and started slip off. Bucky wasn’t too far from the bed when his son started to fall, luckily, so in one swift motion he was there and able to grab him before he hit the hard wood floor.

Before Dom can open his mouth to say thank you he’s being tossed in the air by Bucky. There’s a loud shriek and then he’s exploding into a fit of giggles as he lands in the middle of the bed and bounces for a few seconds. 

There was only a few moments where Bucky got to appreciate times like these with his son. He didn’t go on most of the mission that the team got, especially now with you expecting baby number two, but that didn’t mean there weren’t still a ton of missions that came in where he couldn’t say no, missions where he had to be away for weeks on end with out you and Dom. Weeks were all he really wanted to do was watch all the Toy Story movies and eat blueberries until he felt like he would burst open.

So he took in the sight of his son cuddled up against your pillows and the black and white blanket before the faint sounds of the movie started to play and he was forced to lay dwon and pay attention to the screen.

Bucky honestly wasn't sure how he felt about the song playing at the beginning of the movie, it left a terribly bad taste in his mouth given recent events, but the song wasn't the point of watching the movie so he swallowed down the rising bile in his throat and focused on the scene of the kid playing basketball by himself.

“Daddy is this a real people movie?” Dominic definitely wasn't into movies that were not animated at this age. He would pick Lion King a million to one over Osmosis Jones just because there were actually people in it, but a part  of you knew it was really because he was scared of the monkeys at the beginning of Osmosis Jones. 

“Just give it a little bit I promise you’ll like it.” Bucky says arm resting on the headboard as Dom crawls over and into his lap to get even more comfortable.

It takes less than 30 minutes for Dom to fall in love with the movie and in turn decide on your family costumes.

“You have to wear the ears daddy!” Dom said as he watched every stroke that Bucky laid on you.

“Can't I just put my hair back in a bun or something?” Bucky tried to concentrate on making the orange circle as perfect as possible across your round belly, but it was becoming more and more impossible the longer he kneeled in front of you. Baby girl was getting more and more agitated the longer he messed with her sleeping spots. Ever time he moved over the side where she had decided to settle she would unleash a furry of kicks against his hand urging him to move. He didn’t. 

“No, Bugs Bunny doesn't do that in the movie!” Dom was sat on the couch besides where Bucky was kneeling between your thighs, watching and gently rubbing the side of your belly that didn't have paint on it yet, as Bucky continued on with the paint.

You can feel the sigh that comes from Bucky against your stomach and it tickles way more then the cold paint and prickly brush against your skin.

“Fine, bu-” Bucky begins before he dips the brush into the black and paints long stripes over the orange.

“You have to wear the tail.” You're laughing before you even finish the sentence. If you have to wear the ears, tail and a giant orange stomach the least he could do was the tail and ears. It was only fair.

Dom had made the executive decision that you and Bucky were to be Lola and Bugs bunny for Halloween. How he imagined your thick curly hair and deep brown complexion was similar to Lola in any way you didn't understand, but at least the bunny ear headband would stay in place between your thick curls. He had also decide that he would be young Michael Jordan, which was hilarious in it's own right seeing as he could barely hold a real basketball. His final decision was that baby girl would be the basketball because “she's already round!”

“Hurry up all the good candy is gonna’ be gone!!”

“Im tryin’ but she keeps movin’.” Bucky groaned out as you tried to stop laughing and Baby girl kicked him away some more as he tried to get the lines as perfect as your laughing and her kicking would allow.

“Mommy you have to stop laughing!” He looked up at you with the most intense eyes you had ever seen on child. You bite down on your bottom lip trying your hardest to keep the giggles at bay so you could finally go out and get the candy your son was determined to go get. It worked for all of 3 minutes which was just enough time for Bucky to finish up the last of the black lines and smooth out the orange circle edges.

When the time had finally come for you to start trick or treating Dom was more than excited to put on his Toon Squad jersey and the new pair of Jordan Space Jams that Tony insisted he buy to go with the Halloween costume, and bounce out of the door.

There weren't many people out in the area you were in, even fewer out with tiny children so Dom was basically the golden goose for the houses who had gotten too much candy expectations set way too high on having a lot of kids show up.

At every house you had stopped at though after getting his candy, a handful or two, he would run back to where you and Bucky were standing grab your hand and drag you back to the house demanding that he got candy for his little sister as well. The people occupying all of the house he did this to would melt at the sight of how determined he was to get candy for your belly and give him another two handfuls. It didn't take long for his bag to get to heavy for him to carry on his own and for Bucky to take over the responsibility.

Dominic had barley made it 45 minutes before he started to complain about his feet hurting and Bucky being the ever loving dad that he was, was more than happy to carry him to next few house. Until the temperature had dropped at least 10 more degrees and you just couldn’t take it anymore.

“My stomach and legs are freezing!” This costume was a mistake hands down an absolute disaster of a mistake. Your Toon Squad ‘jersey’ was basically a bra, it was tied off in the back so your basketball belly could be exposed, your basketball shorts weren't much at all either barely reaching mid thigh, and the string that kept the bunny tail in place was digging into your hips, but you couldn't tell your baby boy no about your first family Halloween costume so you sucked it up. Now though you needed to be anywhere but outside.

“Let's go to the Tower.” You suggested to Bucky, you were walking in the general direction and you knew it would only take another 5 minutes to get there.

“You ready to call it a night?” Bucky asked to the tiny body slumped against his shoulder. He didn't get a response only a slight head nod and deep yawn.

“Well lets go get you all warmed up doll.” The rest of the walk is mostly quiet and your shirt is fully pulled down before the words are even out of his mouth. 

The walk to the tower is Bucky’s favorite part of the night. There is a warmth on his shoulder that reaches all the way to the inside of his chest that makes him smile like a dopey idiot for the rest of the walk. There is also the occasional snore that rumbles in the chest of the warm body against him that makes him laugh every time he looks over at you.

“I do not snore.” You don’t even have to look in his direction to know hes staring at you now.

“And neither does he.” He’s still giggling away as you turn the corner heading for the giant Avengers building. The end of the night is finally sinking in and Bucky can’t help but to think about the next Halloween where there’s gonna be another body on this late night stroll for candy, another matching costume to go with the first 3. Its exciting and Bucky can’t see the future, can’t predict what it will be like with more than one kid, but he knows it can only lead to more sleepy cuddles and more dopey smiles.

“Next time you’ll have to carry 2 candy bags.” You say as jog a few feet a head of him. 

It only takes a second for you to notice that you don’t hear the sound of his feet crunching next to you. You turn around to see him standing the same few feet away as before. He still has Dominic nestled into his shoulder the pillow case candy bag is hanging off his left shoulder. 

“I think I can handle that.”

[yournewapartment]

Hello, I’m currently studying at a community college in Arizona. I was suppose to finish the second year of my AA in Washington but my dad said that he would not support me what-so-ever if I didn’t move with my family to AZ. Im going to transfer to ASU next year and I want to be independent from my dad because I don’t want to be controlled. Do you have any advice on how to live independently and how to save up? Just any advice will help. Thank you

I am so proud of you for sticking up for yourself and following your dreams. That’s so unfair of your father to use finances as way to try to control you, and I love that you’re fighting for your independence. Stay strong! Keep us updated. 💖

Living On Your Own (For the First Time)

1. PKW. Phone, keys, wallet. Every time you go anywhere. Check twice. The worst part of living on your own is having to rely on yourself to never forget to lock yourself out or leave your wallet at a sandwich shop in a mall. Make absolutely sure you have duplicates of your keys (I would get a couple made) and give one to a friend who lives nearby who you can count on. I also like to keep an extra set inside the apartment itself in a secure place, just in case. Your landlord can let you in during office hours, but giving a key to a trustworthy friend helps you 24/7.

2. Cleaning routine. You don’t have to sit down at a writing desk and draft this out, but spend a few minutes coming up with a basic cleaning regime for you to follow. It’s definitely easier to do a little each day, but if that doesn’t work for your schedule set aside at least an hour and a half during your time off to get your apartment spotless. I don’t know about you, but whenever I deep clean my apartment I feel like I’m living in a hotel for a day, and I absolutely love it.

3. Make a “moving” shopping list.This is everything you will need (minus food) for your first week at your new place. First aid kit, cleaning supplies, tape, cat food, etc. Your first week moving into your new place will be stressful enough, you don’t want to be halfway through setting up your living room and realize that you forgot to buy trash bags.

4. Secure yourself. I’m not the most agile or fast person in the world, and I do live in a mid-sized city that has a good deal of crime. The apartment complex I live in is very safe, but I still like to double lock my front door at night. It might be smart to keep some pepper spray or a baseball bat somewhere in your apartment, just in case.

5. Stay social. Even the most anti-social person gets lonely. Make sure to hang out with your friends, not just your co-workers, your actual friends. Get out off your apartment every few days and go see a movie, get a cup of coffee, go people watching at the park, etc. It’s easy to get depressed if you’re living alone and doing the same things the same way every day- allow yourself to mix it up.

6. Meal prep. It can be stressful and seem useless to cook complicated or “fancy” meals when you’re living on your own. Plan your meals for the week and make a list before going shopping. Get yourself enough food to make a variety of dinners that will only take you fifteen minutes. If you do want to go crazy and make steak and mashed potatoes for yourself, make enough for two meals. Also, nobody is going to think poorly of you for stocking your fridge with a couple frozen dinners.

7. Customer service. Living alone means that you are going to be doing a lot of talking to customer service representatives. Get comfortable talking to people over the phone. Tell the rep what you need as quickly as you can, and try to be polite because customer service at a phone center is a garbage job that doesn’t pay well. On the flip side, don’t be afraid to ask for a manager if you’re upset or unhappy with your service. Take their survey at the end of your phone call, tell them how unhappy you are. It’s someone’s shitty job to look at all those surveys, no complaint goes unheard. Companies with great phone service: Verizon, Apple, Amazon. Companies with awful phone service: USPS (literally the worst), electric companies, health insurance companies.

8. Guest space. This is not required, but it’s a good idea to have some sort of space for a friend to stay the night. A friend of mine had a bad breakup, showed up at my apartment with ten minute’s notice, and then fell asleep on my couch after an hour of crying. It as 7:30! Whatever, she needed it. Keep an extra blanket and pillow in your closet, I like to keep travel sized shampoos and conditioners in my bathroom cabinet on the off chance a guest wants to use my shower. I got these at a hotel for free, but they’re available at CVS and other pharmacies.

9. Toilet paper. Don’t let yourself run out of toilet paper! I like to buy more when I notice I only have one roll left. The same deal goes for paper towels.

10. Enjoy. Living on your own is simoltaneously exciting and exhausting, but an all around must-have experience. Enjoy the freedom to forget to make the bed, to decorate your bathroom however you want, to have ice cream for dinner, to watch reruns of Friends and cry when Rachel decides to move to France. Make sure to give yourself lots of space to move at your own pace, but please remember to eat three meals a day and to go to the doctor’s for a checkup at least once a year!

Saving Money

1. Cut unnecessary purchases out of your life. Pretty straightforward, but effective. Think about the products in your life that you consider to be “luxury” items. Maybe that’s a cup of Starbucks coffee every morning, maybe that’s getting a manicure or pedicure every two weeks, maybe that’s subscribing to Apple Music every month. If it’s not essential to your well-being, get rid of it.

2. Downgrade the luxury. If you can’t give up your morning cup of Joe because it’ll decrease your performance at school/work, start finding it from a cheaper source. For example- choose Dunkin instead of Starbucks. If you want pretty nails, buy nail polis and do it yourself. The same goes for everything else.

3. Go grocery shopping on a limited basis. Can you make it a month without buying any additional groceries/toiletries? Make a master list of everything you need and stick to it. Buy necessities like toilet paper and paper towels in bulk so you won’t run out. Buy bulk meat, rice, pasta, what have you. Divide them into meal sized portions, and freeze what you won’t eat immediately. 

4. Plan your meals. Plan all of your meals out for the next week, and stick to it. Type it up on a calendar with sparkles or whatever and stick it on your fridge. If you have a meal already planned, you won’t be tempted to go out to Panera. Meal Prep! If you have no energy after work/school to make yourself a meal, meal prep when you have the energy to save yourself the trouble later. I recommend meal prep is one of the first things you should do on your day off, so that you don’t get discourage and “forget” to later in the day. Treat it as a chore.

5. Choose store brands. When shopping, save money by choosing store brands over name brands every time. This is my number one tip for saving money while shopping!

6. Tell your friends. Tell your friends that you’re trying to save money! Tell them that you’re having difficultly and to help prevent you from spending money when you go out. That doesn’t mean that you can’t go shopping and provide moral support, but if they know you’re trying to save money they can help remind you during your weakest moments. No you don’t need those shoes.

7. Budget. Decide on your budget and figure out how much money you can save on a monthly basis. Saving even $25 is still saving money! Start moving any money you haven’t budgeted for living expenses immediately into your savings account so that you’re not tempted to touch it. Use it only for emergency purposes.

Good luck!! 💕

[marshmalleaux-queen]

something that pisses me off

....but I'm going to put it under a read more because

a.) i'm certain no one wants a text wall full of rage all over their dash b.) i don't know a whole lot about this thing I'm pissed about so I want to save my baseless assumptions and irritation for people who actually want to involve themselves with my bullshit and spare myself the embarrassment of having it shown right off the bat c.) i don't know how long this might be because i'm just writing as i go d.) because fuck you thats why

So my mom has been denied disability benefits for what, third? fourth time? of course every single time we've said how much fucking bullshit that is but this time i asked to read the papers they sent her about why she got denied, and even though i did a small amount of skimming and didn't fully understand the terms (i would have asked mom for meanings but she is rightfully upset and doesn't even want to think about it), im still finding a lot of it.... fucking bullshit

So for the longest time, as long as I can remember really, my mom has been too sick to hold an actual job. She's got so many diagnoses I don't even know the names of right away, but I know she has (and i'll probably spell these wrong but right now i dont really care) fibromyalgia, endometryosis, some kind of disc disease (?), she's had so many surgeries (some of them were even purely exploratory i'm pretty sure,) procedures, been on so many medications, tons of which make her even MORE ill. some days she's in so much pain she can barely talk or move, and pretty much every morning it takes her hours to even get out of bed because it hurts so much, and god forbid (and please pardon if this is TMI???) her constipation has gone on for a long time because that just adds to it and makes it worse (there was actually one time where she didn't go for almost a MONTH, im not even fucking kidding), or that if she's not in pain she's instead violently ill and vomiting her brains out every half hour. Then there's the thing where if she stands up too fast, she's basically .01% away from passing the fuck out. none of that "woah small little head rush" shit, she literally fucking convulses and if it weren't for me or a well-placed object to support her she'd fall straight to the floor, hard. This isn't even going into detail about every other physical diagnosis she's had, nor is this even touching the MENTAL diagnoses (y'all think my depression/anxiety is bad, it's a fucking joke compared to hers)

And all of this stuff means that she CANNOT hold any kind of job. I know what you're thinking "but what about something mundane and doesn't require physical work" but then god forbid she can't come in because of the random EXCRUCIATING pain she's in or the incessant need to throw up, the passing out from standing up, what have you. Trust me, she is a stuborn and independent person who will stop at absolutely nothing to do what she needs to have done, and if she was physically capable of going out and doing any kind of work BELIEVE ME SHE WOULD. One of the biggest concerns and fears and things I have literally caught her CRYING ABOUT (and my mom DOES NOT CRY) is that she feels useless because she can't contribute to our family like my stepdad can, and thinks that her ailments can't be excuses for not working and such. Her ailments have affected her in basically every way and on every level i can think of.

so imagine when i ask to read the papers on why she's denied disability benefits and see all this bullshit they wrote. They said that even if she can't go out and do JOB jobs, she can still do simple tasks like cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping and leisure things like swimming, and that she can "still lift 10-20 pounds" and "remain in a standing/sitting working position longer than 8 hours" (that last one isn't verbatim but you get what i'm saying). So basically, they say she's incapacitated enough to not do a real working job, but she's not so incapacitated that she can't get up and do a house chore or pull a laundry basket up the stairs once in a while, and because of that she's not "disabled."

And in the same page (if not, the very next one), they said that her ailments might prevent her from doing hard physical labor, but that there are (and again, not VERBATIM but pretty damn close) "plenty of working opportunities in this economy that do not require physical labor that she has not taken." And i'm gonna fucking say it again, IF SHE WAS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY CAPABLE OF HOLDING ANY KIND OF WORKING JOB/OCCUPATION, EVEN DOING THE MOST MENIAL TASKS, SHE WOULD HAVE FUCKING DONE IT BY NOW.

In addition, they said that because she's gone to school and held jobs in the past (and it fell within a certain time period), she's not actually physically or mentally impaired. And let me tell you why that's another huge fucking crock of bullshit. The last time my mother has held a job or gone to college was when she was a single mother, living alone and taking care of two INFANT children with absolutely nobody else around to support every one of us. She was still just as ill as she is today, but she prioritized her children over anything else and would rather work TWO JOBS (oh yeah did I mention she took two part time jobs that basically equaled a full time job, because she fucking did) to care for her children rather than use her pain as an excuse to let us starve. If she was going to be a half decent mother, she had no other fucking choice than to push through to feed and clothe us and give us an education. And these fucking piles of shit are saying that because these circumstances were relatively recent, she can't be considered "disabled." What kind of baseless and uncaring bunch of absolute fucking bullshit do they think they're spouting.

And let's not forget the kinds of people who ARE on disability benefits. Sure, of course there are some people out there who genuinely need it (people who are paralyzed, SEVERELY mentally ill/incapacitated/slow, etc), but I bet you all the fucking money i have that most of the people who are recieving disability are lazy, uncaring, EXPLOITING piles of ungrateful shit who don't even have ANYTHING REMOTELY wrong with them, are fully capable of working and just CHOOSE not to, and on the off chance they do have children (because i'm certain a lot of them don't), they use them as a pathetic excuse to fall back on when they are COMPLETELY able of not only taking care of themselves but these (more often than not) PERFECTLY HEALTHY children as well. These people are given disability benefits with almost no issues, an my mother is denied four fucking times. Let that fucking soak in.

In short, these disability people are fucking disgraces to the human race and they can kiss my ass and fuck off to the deepest pits of hell.

thank you and i'll be here struggling to stop my hands from shaking if you need me

[zephiryl]

this is the vent ask. vent about something that is weighing on you.

I’ve had this sitting in my inbox for like a week. I’ve been hesitant to fill it out because I want to make it count. But here we go.

1. My parents are getting a divorce. It’s been finalised for months. They’re living separate. I want to be angry. I want to be upset. Instead, I feel fucking numb. Nothing makes sense anymore. I knew it was coming but I want to be angry.

2. My sister is okay with the divorce?? She’s not fazed by it and even asked the stupid, “So does this mean we get two Christmases?” I was just sitting there the whole time in shock because I just couldn't believe I actually heard it. How is she okay with it??

3. My parents’ personalities have done a 180. My mom is suddenly rash and spontaneous. My dad is reserved and meek. I hate it. I fucking hate it.

4. Because of the split, my mom is asking me if I want to meet my biological dad. No! I didn’t! Now I feel pressured to because he wants to meet me! I yearn for the days where I didn’t even think about him! Why should I care?! He wasn’t there for 21 years, so why start now!! He’s just going to be another adult mad at me for being transgender and gay!

5. I’m fucking meeting him and his parents (my grandparents I guess??) on Saturday (I’m writing this on Thursday). Fuck my life.

6. I’m suicidal and can’t even say it without Connie feeling guilty. It’s not her fucking fault, it’s my own goddamn head. Let me fucking vent! Let me cut! Let me get through it without feeling like you’re the root of it! Goddammit, I just want to be who I was for 18 goddamn years, which was a depressed, suicidal fuck!

7. I don’t feel loved. I really don’t. She doesn’t want to kiss me, doesn’t want to hold me, doesn’t want to be intimate. She’s not ace, she just doesn’t want those things with me anymore! She’s said so! But if I breach the subject of me finding a partner, she gets all sad like I’m going to leave her. No! I’m poly, dammit! I just want to have someone else to love on me! But I’m still coming home to you and coming home to love you! She’s still the one I want to marry but I need some actual fucking loving feeling!!!!

8. Money is tight. Money is always fucking tight. I used up all my goddamn savings because her ass couldn’t find a job soon. She wasn’t even searching for a while because she wanted to wait on the ones she did apply to. But that’s not how it works! Keep fucking applying! Now we have no savings, my hours are cut so I’m earning less, and her job pays absolutely jack shit! Literally me entire paycheck is going to either my car or my landlord! I can’t even afford to buy food for myself!

9. Oh yeah, I barely eat anymore. But every time I come home, she’s stuffed her face with bags of chips and half a bag of pizza rolls. I eat maybe a bowl of ramen or some taquitos. One meal. She snacks all day and it’s no wonder our groceries don’t last!

10. Food stamps are near impossible to apply for because we can’t seem to get all our shit together. So we have no money for food anyways!

11. Now that she’s started her job, she expects me to have the house clean and dinner cooked because she did that when she wasn’t working. No she fucking didn’t. I was lucky to have anything made. She always waited for me to get home to start cooking, even if I didn’t get home until fucking 10 PM.

12. I can’t communicate these things to her because then she plays sad and guilty. Be a fucking adult and just communicate with me!!!!!

(wow a lot of my issues stem from my gf)

13. I’m just struggling with a lot and I don’t have any way to get these things out anymore. I just want to scream and cry. I don’t want to be here anymore.

14. im alive. i dont like that.