#so i smiled politely and watched a video of MYSELF dancing. literally wanted to cry

[newathens]

my relationship with my body has never been lower. which is very sick because I’ve never been more active

[prayerith]

maybe them playing video games at yugi's place after school?

so i know this is three days late, but in my defense, i wanted it to be good, and election stress, and also i finished it yesterday but didn’t want to post it because of, you know. everything. however, i have finally finished, and i bring you: wishshipping where they’re playing video games, but it’s also a first kiss story :) (g-rated!) thanks again for the prompt!!

Having a best friend that lived above a game shop came with certain benefits, Jonouchi thought as he sat down on Yugi’s bed, N64 controller in hand. The one he was most concerned with at the moment was Kame Game’s early access to the latest video games, and the fact that Yugi almost always got a free copy of any game he wanted from his grandpa as soon as they came in. As such, the only reason he was at Yugi’s house was to play the new Nintendo fighting game (named Super Smash Bros, of all things), no matter what Anzu tried to insinuate as she saw the two of them walking in the same direction after school.

“Hey! Did it boot up okay?” Jonouchi nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Yugi’s voice, but relaxed when he saw him in the doorframe, balancing two bags of chips and a two-liter of soda in his arms.

“Yeah, it’s ready whenever we are,” Jonouchi replied, before standing up and taking one of the bags and the two-liter from Yugi to set them on the coffee table in front of the small television. Yugi smiled gratefully, and Jonouchi carefully ignored the skipped beat of his heart as he watched Yugi set the remaining bag down. He was only here for Super Smash Bros. Nothing more.

“Ah, thanks, Jonouchi.” Yugi’s face was red, and he rubbed the back of his neck as he spoke. Jonouchi found himself fixated on the violet of his eyes, the movements of his muscles, the blush of his cheeks, even as he tried to put it aside and focus on the character-select screen. “Well, should we get started?” Yugi asked, clapping his hands together as he sat down on the bed entirely too close for Jonouchi’s liking.

“Sure thing, Yug’. What character do you want?” The urge to toss his arm over Yugi’s shoulders was almost too great to ignore, but he managed to push it down, instead swallowing and moving the joystick over the character portraits in a circle.

Yugi hummed, opening a bag of chips before grabbing his own controller. “I want…” he said, before selecting his character, with a cry of, “Kirby!” He reached into the bag of chips and popped a handful into his mouth, then, chewing at Jonouchi as though it were meant to be triumphant. Mostly, Jonouchi thought Yugi looked silly – and yet, whenever Yugi looked silly, he looked cute, so he couldn’t quite complain.

“The marshmallow, I should have known,” he said instead, arching an eyebrow at Yugi, who immediately erupted into laughter.

“Hey, don’t underestimate the marshmallow!” Yugi fixed Jonouchi with a stare that was surely meant to be intimidating, but was contradicted by the laughter sparkling in his eyes, and the twitch of his cheeks as he tried to keep them from smiling. “I can beat you with Kirby nine times out of ten, no doubt!”

“We’ll see about that!” Jonouchi laughed, selecting Link after not much thought. The guy’s got a cool sword, what could he say? Yugi hit the start button, and selected the first stage – thank goodness for that, Jonouchi had to figure out how the game worked before trying anything too crazy! After a brief loading screen, the game counted them down from three, and they were off.

***

“And that’s another win for me!” Yugi set his controller down and flung his arms into the air, eyes squeezed nearly shut from his smile as Kirby smiled from his first-place position, Link clapping politely in the background. “Yugi five, Jonouchi zero,” he continued, doing a seated victory dance that did little more than shake the bed underneath them.

Jonouchi only looked at the victory screen on the television for a moment before his gaze was drawn back to Yugi, unable to resist the magnetic pull of his bright smile. He didn’t much like losing, but it was worth it if he could see Yugi smile like that. “Guess I’m gonna need more time to get the hang of this game than you, huh?” he said, unable to keep the fondness out of his tone. “What’s your secret? How are you so good at everything you do?”

Yugi turned to look at him, then, cheeks immediately turning pink, which was cuter than it had any right to be. “Quit messing around, Jonouchi. There are plenty of things I’m not good at!” There was still laughter in his tone, like he was making a joke, but the way he rubbed the back of his neck told Jonouchi there was more going on.

“I wouldn’t joke about something like that! C’mon, you’re the closest thing to perfect I’ve ever seen.” Jonouchi put his hand on Yugi’s shoulder and shook it lightly. Yugi’s cheeks flushed even darker; whether it was because of the compliment or the physical contact, Jonouchi couldn’t be sure. He didn’t reply, choosing instead to stare at his lap and keep rubbing his neck. Jonouchi’s eyes narrowed; that had to stop. Without thinking, he grabbed Yugi’s hand and brought it to rest in the space between them, rubbing the back lightly with his own thumb to help comfort Yugi. “Hey, need me to run down a list?”

Yugi ducked his head, further avoiding eye contact, speaking his next words to the carpet. Jonouchi had to pause for a moment to fully comprehend what he said – it was always tougher for him to understand what people were saying if he couldn’t see their mouth move – but eventually he managed to process it. “No, you’re fine, I get it. You see me differently than I see myself, I guess.”

“Well that’s a shame, because I wish you saw yourself how I see you!” Jonouchi began holding Yugi’s hand with both of his, ducking his head so that he could see Yugi’s eyes under his bangs. “When I see you, I see the smart, brave, compassionate person who stood up for a no-good bully, even though he got beat up in the process.” Yugi opened his mouth to respond, but Jonouchi cut him off. “And I know you’re about to defend me, say that I was just trying to make you a man, or that I didn’t know what I was doing, and that’s the thing, Yug’! You always look for the good in people, no matter how deep you have to dig to find it. You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met, and it’s all focused toward other people. When are you going to find compassion for yourself?” He squeezed Yugi’s hand a little tighter, which made Yugi finally look up toward him, wide, violet eyes shiny with unshed tears. Jonouchi felt like his heart would burst at the sight, so he squeezed tighter still, until Yugi brought his neglected hand to join the other, squeezing back.

“I think I prefer to hear it from you,” Yugi finally responded, voice thick with the tears he had yet to shed. But he was smiling, now, and that made Jonouchi so happy, he didn’t think twice about leaning forward to close the distance between them and kissing Yugi.

As far as first kisses went, it could have been better. The way they were sitting, side-by-side on Yugi’s bed a foot apart, made the angle awkward, especially since Jonouchi refused to let go of Yugi’s hands. Not to mention, the way Jonouchi had rushed in made the press of lips hard and unyielding, and Yugi had gone stiff at their first touch. When Jonouchi pulled away, it was with regret, fear – had he ruined their friendship forever? “I’m sorry, Yug’, I didn’t –”

“Let’s try that again,” Yugi interrupted, pulling his hands free and scooting close enough that his shoulders and thighs were touching Jonouchi’s. He cradled Jonouchi’s face with a hand, and Jonouchi knew he must have gone wide-eyed, because Yugi laughed. Finally, he leaned in, and captured Jonouchi’s lips in a much gentler, less impulsive kiss. Jonouchi melted into the contact, reciprocating as best he could, before they both pulled away. Yugi looked fit to burst with happiness, despite the lingering tears in his eyes, and Jonouchi couldn’t keep the dopey grin off his face.

“Man, and you really think you aren’t good at everything? ‘Cause you keep adding to the list!” Jonouchi laughed, brushing a stray bang out of Yugi’s eyes. Yugi glared at him, but it was playful, and he combed his hand through Jonouchi’s hair as well. “Seriously, that was the best kiss I ever had! You oughta teach classes on this, I’m not kidding.”

Yugi raised an eyebrow at that. “Oh? You want me to kiss other people?” Jonouchi stared at him for a second, again taking time to process, before spluttering and taking things back. Yugi just laughed, and interrupted him with another kiss. “I’m just kidding, Jonouchi. If you’ll have me, I’m yours.”

Time froze around Jonouchi, the world reduced to nothing but him and Yugi. If he could, he would have sprinted out the door and ran through the streets of Domino, proclaiming that Yugi was his. As it was, though, all he could say was, “Yeah, of course. And I’m yours too.” Then, he kissed Yugi again, just because he could. And if pieces of Kirby’s victory screen were burnt into the television screen for some time afterwards, well, who could blame them for forgetting to turn the game off?

[parkerparts]

i’d like to be my old self again (but i’m still trying to find it)

5 Times Peter Parker Dances for Someone Else + 1 Time He Dances for Himself (AO3 here)

O N E

They tell him dancing is in his blood. They say it in high-pitched voices with a smile and a pat on the back, like they can give him talent and technique by patting it into his body and pushing him into a studio with a dozen girls and three other boys who already know that plie means “bent.” The next day at school, Peter trips and falls, skinning his knee. The teacher and his classmates crowd around him, asking if he’s okay, but he’s too busy examining the red liquid gushing out of the scrapes to answer.

“What do you mean when you say ‘dancing is in my blood?’” Peter asks May and Ben on the way home from school. “I thought it would look like pink and glitter, but my blood’s just red. I checked.”

Through the rearview mirror, Peter watches his aunt and uncle smile. “Not literally,” Ben tells him, turning around to pat his knee. “Your mom was a dancer. She was an amazing dancer, Peter. Your mom was planning on enrolling you in classes when you reached this age, and we thought you might want to try it. Who knows? Maybe you’ll become a star like your mom one day. You might be even better.”

“What if I’m not good at dancing at all?” Peter asks, looking up into Ben’s eyes with more fear and insecurity than a child his age should be able to feel. “What if I’m not like my mom?”

“You’re only six. You’ll get there.” Ben smiles at him, full of warmth and hope, and for a moment, Peter lets himself believe that he can dance, that one day he’ll be a star. One day, he promises himself, he’ll make his mom proud.

At class later that day, his hope crumbles into pieces like sand from the playground that’s just not wet enough to be molded into something useful, something beautiful. He can’t make his legs do that move, can’t move his head and his arms in a circle at the same time, can’t keep his back straight at all. He’s so close to quitting, to going home and telling May and Ben, “I don’t think I want to do it anymore,” but they pick him up after class, and while May orders dinner, Ben shows him a video of his mom dancing the final pas de deux from Manon.

She’s beautiful.

Week after week, Peter goes back to class, and he tries to make his body move like the dancers in the video, like his mom, who used to dance with an otherworldly grace. Peter’s still not sure he has an ounce of that grace in his blood, despite the constant assurances that he’ll get there one day, but he tries anyway. He points his feet and holds his head up high. He smiles as he dances until the teacher begins to compliment him for his stage presence as well as his technique.

Peter is six years old when he performs onstage for the first time. The music ends, and the crowd politely claps, and somewhere out there, May and Ben are sitting, probably wiping away each other’s tears. Peter takes his classmates’ hands as they bow, and as they come up, Peter squints at the bright spotlight. If he stares long enough, he can pretend it’s his mom, watching him dance.

This is for you, he thinks. I can’t dance, but I’ll dance for you.

T W O

The day after Ben’s funeral is sunny, like the world is healing and mocking Peter for his inability to stop hurting.

There’s a knock on Peter’s door, and he hastily shoves the scissors scraps of fabric in his closet as he goes to open it. May, her red-rimmed eyes magnified by her glasses, stares at Peter’s face like all she wants to do is hold him close. It’s suffocating. It’s comforting. It’s painful. It’s sad. “Are you going back to dance today?”

Peter shrugs. He hasn’t gone to the studio since Ben died, but it’s been a little over a week, and people are going to expect him back, especially with their performance a month away. “I don’t know.”

“You should,” May says with a strained smile. “He’d want you to.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Peter whispers, voice hoarse from unforgotten tears. “Not without him.”

It’s true. Peter doesn’t know how he’s supposed to continue dancing without Ben, who helped Peter sew all of his costumes, who drove Peter to the studio every day, who volunteered to help tech all of the shows, who took countless photos and videos from backstage, who cried every time he saw his nephew perform, who believed in Peter, even - or especially - when Peter didn’t believe in himself.

May breathes in, sharp and full of pain, and she reaches out, folds Peter into her arms and whispers in his ear, “You can. You have to.”

As it turns out, Peter can’t. He walks into the studio and sets his bag down, only to realize that he left his ballet shoes at home, so he walks right out and blinks back tears at the thought that Ben would have come running after him with his shoes in hand seconds after he left the house.

May is waiting when he gets home, curled up on the sofa in Ben’s favorite blanket. She takes one look at his face, wind-bitten and scrunched up from his efforts not to cry, and she calls in sick to work and makes him macaroni from a box.

“Do you think he’d be disappointed in me?” Peter asks, mouth full of macaroni.

May clicks her tongue, softly chiding. “I think he’d be proud of you. I think you’ll make him proud.”

“He always believed in me. I can’t even believe in myself, but he always did.”

“I believe in you.” Peter looks up from his empty bowl and catches May wiping away her tears, the heartbreak on her face so raw, so overwhelming that he forgets how to breathe for a moment. “You just keep dancing, baby. I’ll believe in you enough for the three of us.”

Peter goes to dance the next day, and his muscles, reborn with spider DNA, still remember how to dance, even if his foggy, grief-stricken brain cannot. For the first time, Peter lets himself coast through class on autopilot, lets his body take over while his brain crumbles, and somehow, by the end of class, he’s built his brain back up again.

His soul was still shattered, shards of it scattered to the winds like ashes from an overturned urn, but that was a problem for another day.

By the time the show rolls around, Peter has collected nearly all the pieces of his soul. Some of him is lost forever, left behind in a time before the spider bite, the time before Ben’s death, but he’s somewhat whole again, whole enough to dance off autopilot, to dance with a semblance of emotion and depth. His body processes the emotions that his brain can’t.

The last piece in the show - a contemporary showcase of student-choreographed pieces - is one that Peter worked on himself, along with the senior boy who taught him how to do a la seconde turns. The dance ends with Peter falling off stage as the lights turn black. The music builds, and dancers leap across the stage in time to the flickering lights, and Peter runs, sprints to the edge of the stage, holds out his arms, and when the music suddenly fades, he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and falls backwards.

A strong pair of arms catches him before he hits the ground. The audience is still and silent, and the theater is dark, and in the few seconds after the dance ends when the world comes to a stop, Peter thinks Ben is back, here to catch him as he always promised he would.

Then the audience begins clapping, a standing ovation that ripples through the crowd, and Peter has to open his eyes and thank the tech guy who caught him, the guy that would have been Ben if Ben had still been alive. Peter boosts himself back onstage to bow, and as he turns to face the audience, he catches sight of May in the second row, clapping furiously with tears streaming down her face.

He would be so proud of you, she mouths, half-whispering the words, and Peter’s super-hearing picks up the sound.

I know, he mouths back, not caring if the director will call him unprofessional. I know he would.

He’s doing it for Ben, after all. He’s dancing for Ben and for May, for believing in him and challenging him to never stop dancing, even when the memories and legacies in it are too much to bear.

T H R E E

Peter should have known better to try to hide something from Tony Stark. If the man had been able to find out he was Spider-Man, his best kept secret of all time, then of course he’d find out about Peter’s senior recital.

“I should have known you’re a dancer,” Tony told him, draping an arm around his shoulders as they walked. “I thought those flips and that agility came from the spider DNA, but I guess you’ve got your own DNA to account for that. Mary Parker is your mother, am I correct?”

“Principal dancer of New York City Ballet at only twenty-one years old,” Peter said with a smile. Since first hearing of his mother’s career as a dancer, he’s done his research, and he’s proud of being part of her legacy. “Did you know her?”

“Not personally, but I’ve seen her perform as Titania in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I was drunk at the time, probably, or maybe high on something, but I remember parts of it vividly. She was a beautiful dancer, your mother. I think watching her when I was in my early thirties was part of the reason why I love ballets and dance now. It just manifested itself twenty years later.”

Peter wants to ask more about his mom, wants to listen to Tony talk about her forever, but the man ushers him through a door, and he’s inside a glittering studio with barres lining the walls and mirrors stretching from the floor to the ceiling. Skylights bathe the room in bright morning light, shining on a sleek sound system that Peter instantly recognizes as Stark tech.

“What’s this?” Peter asks, stepping out of his shoes to reverently slide across the marley panels in his socks. “Is this for me?”

“Technically it’s Natasha’s. I had it built for her when we built the Compound. Barnes uses it too sometimes, which shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did the first time FRIDAY told me he was here. But yes, it’s for you too.”

“Why?” Peter turns to face Tony with a wide-eyed stare.

Behind his tinted glasses, Tony blinks slowly, fishing for words in a way that makes Peter nervous with anticipation. “I want you to feel included here. I know you don’t live here, but this is your space too, regardless of whether or not you choose to use it. Your studio is fiercely competitive, and when I last spoke with the director, private studio time was fully booked. This is yours to use if you want to practice a little extra or if you just want a space to dance in. I was also thinking you could talk to Natasha or Barnes if you really want to. They’d probably be interested in teaching you a few things about dance, both in the studio and out fighting on the streets.”

Peter’s overwhelmed by the thought Tony put into this, even though the man plays it off with an air of nonchalance. However, the subtle undertone of heavy expectations weighs him down, and he does his best not to panic in front of his mentor. “Thank you, Mr. Stark, but you really didn’t have to.”

“I know. I don’t do things because I have to. I do them because I want to,” Tony says, the corner of his mouth curled up in an affectionate smirk.

“Thanks,” Peter whispers again, feeling small and scared and stressed for no reason at all. He’s never been very good at receiving gifts, never been very good at receiving expectations. “Thank you so much.”

Tony just hums and flashes him a smile. “You’re welcome, kid. You want to stay here for a little bit? If not, I can have Happy drive you back and you can catch your afternoon rehearsals.”

“I think I’ll stay here, if that’s okay with you?”

“Sure thing. Team dinner is at five. Don’t be late.” Tony closed the door behind him as he left, and in the grandeur of a studio, his very own studio for the rest of the day, for as long as he wanted, Peter lets out a slow, shaky breath.

An hour later, after changing into tights and his warm-ups and doing a quick barre, he’s working on choreographing his senior solo. Something Old and Something New, he calls it, writing out counts in quick strokes as he marks his thoughts on the floor with his feet. There’s a video of his mother in NYCB’s studio, working on a piece set to the same music Peter chose, a piece she never got to debut because she fell in love and got married and had a child, and by the time she was able to return to dancing, she had already forgotten about the piece.

Peter, however, picks up where she left off. He’s adapted the pointe work and made it more contemporary, filled in the gaps of choreo the video doesn’t show, and now he has this piece that’s mostly his, but there’s something about it that’s also not his own, a part of his dancing that never really belonged to him anyway.

Every other weekend, Peter begins spending nights at the Compound, having Happy drive him straight over Saturday after rehearsal ends and driving back late Sunday morning to get to the city in time for Sunday afternoon rehearsals. Even though he’s exhausted, he works hard on these weekends, training and choreographing and working on his technique late at night and early in the morning. He takes up Tony’s offer and asks Natasha for help, who ropes Bucky into the deal, despite Peter being too scared to ask. Some days, they’ll help him refine his art, give corrections on his classical technique, and offer opinions about his choreography. Other days, they’ll train him, teach him to use his body and his art as a weapon.

As a result of spending more time at the Compound, Peter meets the rest of the team and gets to know them. Among the new faces is a boy Peter’s age named Harley Keener, who dropped out of high school when they wouldn’t let him graduate early and drove up to New York, calling in a favor with Tony Stark. He’s a genius, Peter discovers, but not in the naturally gifted way that he seems at first. He works hard, harder than anyone Peter had ever met before, and he loves what he does. He lets Peter talk about anything, about the latest high school gossip, about chemistry and thermodynamics, about dance. Anytime Peter is at the Compound and he’s not in the studio, he’s with Harley, either hanging out or working in the labs.

“Do you like him?” Tony asks one day as Peter warms up in the studio. Sometimes Tony asks to sit with his work in the studio while Peter dances, and sometimes Peter lets him.

“I don’t know,” Peter says in between sautes. “If I think about it too much, I get anxious, so I just stopped thinking about it at all. With him, I don’t have to think anyway. I just get to be, you know? It’s sort of like dancing. I just get to be and do what feels right.”

Tony hums knowingly, and Peter fights the urge to blush. He’s pretty sure he fails by the way Tony looks at him over the edge of his glasses. “That’s how Pepper makes me feel,” he says, and he leaves it at that, the seeds of implications left hanging unsaid in the air.

Peter swats at them as he presses play, and by the time the song ends, the seeds have mostly dispersed, but some of them have taken root in his heart, and Peter has no choice but to let them grow.

All of Peter’s extra training at the Compound has made him an excellent dancer. He’s no match for the natural talent at the studio, but his hard work has paid off, and he’s rising in the ranks, slowly but surely.

It’s also made him a better fighter out on the streets, just as Tony had said. He could dance circles around Big Man and his men, and he had defeated Kingpin single-handedly with tricks he learned from Natasha and Bucky.

One night, about a month before his senior recital, a month before he graduates high school, Peter goes out on patrol in the precious two hours between school and dance. He’s exhausted, burned-out, and he’s close to calling it quits after thirty minutes, but when Karen alerts him of Kraven the Hunter’s presence in Central Park, Flushing Meadows, Peter swings his ass there with little more than a sigh.

“Spider-Man,” the villain greets, but Peter’s not there to banter with his words. Instead, he banters with his body, dancing past charges and blows and landing a few of his own. He falters once when Kraven pulls out a blowgun, and it’s his own demise because seconds later, he feels the poisonous dart find a home in his thigh.

But Peter’s used to fighting through pain, through injuries. He once sprained his ankle during an adagio and had to dance through his subsequent variation on the ankle. It was relatively healed by the end of the coda, but he knows the feeling of pain, knows how to fight through it and do what needs to be done, knows how to do it with art.

He wishes he could say defeating Kraven was as easy as plie, but it’s more like petite allegro, seemingly quick and seemingly easy but surprisingly hard and requiring more energy and control than any sane person should have at that point in a class. It hardly matters. The fight lasts no more than half an hour, by which time Kraven is webbed up in a Queens Zoo enclosure and Peter is at last felled by the poison in his blood.

Tony finally arrives, flying in with an urgency that makes Peter laugh because it’s a little too late, but he’s grateful for the help that Karen apparently called because his vision is going fuzzy.

“You did good, kid,” Tony says, and the way it makes Peter go warm feels like an antidote in its own right.

“Did it for you,” he mumbles into Tony’s shoulder. “I danced it for you.”

Peter awakes hours later to the sound of a door opening. Tony and May walk in as he slowly becomes more aware of his surroundings. He’s in a hospital bed in the medical ward of the Compound, and there’s a warm pressure on his hand.

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Harley says, squeezing his hand lightly. “Guess you don’t need a true love’s kiss to wake you up after all.”

“It wouldn’t go amiss,” Peter snarks back, and even though it doesn’t actually earn him a kiss from the other boy, he gets a laugh, so he calls it a win in his book.

F O U R

“The whole point of college is to try new things,” Ned tells Peter, dragging him through the door of whoever’s house the party of the night is being held. The two of them are in their freshman year together at NYU, inseparable to the very end. Besides, with Peter’s whole Spider-Man thing, Ned was the logical choice for a roommate. “Yeah, we’re not really party people, but we could be, right?”

“I don’t know, Ned. I’ve got, you know, spidery things to do tonight, and I have a super important lab write-up due Monday,” Peter replies, but the point is probably moot because he’s already dressed up and there, so he might as well stay. Ned must realize that too because he grins at Peter and hands him a beer.

“Even superheroes need a break. Come on, Peter. Live a little, okay? Partying is self-care.” The notion is so ridiculous it makes even Ned laugh, but as always, Peter’s best friend is able to lift his spirits and make him feel more comfortable in a situation that’s anything but comfortable.

By the time Peter has had his seventh beer, his spider metabolism finally gives in, and he feels drunk enough not to care. Ned ditched him for a group of kids in his computer science class, and they’re doing shots by the bar. Peter’s dancing with a few girls from his composition class, cheering with them when the music changes to a remix of a song they improvved to last week.

“You can really dance,” someone tells him, voice low and far too close to his ear. Peter whips around, ready to tell some creep to back off, but he’s blown away by windswept, blond curls and a glimmering smile.

His eyes are the wrong color, he thinks, and he immediately hates himself for the thought. Harley is probably batting his deep green eyes at his latest hook-up, whose name is Eugene, and Peter shudders at the thought that it might be Eugene Thompson.

“Thanks,” Peter says, staring into steel grey eyes instead. “I’m a dance major, so it’s kind of my thing.”

The not-Harley stranger laughs, and he smiles at Peter in a way that makes him feel appreciated in a way he hasn’t felt in months, maybe years. “So will you dance for me?”

“Only if you dance with me too.” Not-Harley lets Peter drape his arms around his neck as they swayed to the music, some early 2000’s pop song with dirty lyrics and a dirtier beat.

Not-Harley dances even dirtier, and after one song, Peter is more than uncomfortable and ready to deck the guy and leave, but then he offers Peter a drink, and it’s strong and smells good, so Peter drinks it and lets the guy lead him out to the dance floor again. It takes two more drinks for Peter to start dancing back, to lose himself in the rhythm and the feel of human contact, no matter how dubious it may be.

Then the guy kisses Peter, slams his mouth against his in a sloppy move that makes Peter moan anyway because he’s riled up on touch and taste and alcohol. “Harley,” he murmurs into the kiss, barely registering the guy pull away. “Harley, please.”

“I’m not Harley,” the guy says, and Peter’s eyes snap open, the world rushing back to him in overwhelming waves. “My name is Hayes.”

“I’m so sorry,” Peter mumbles, and although his voice is soft, he feels like screaming.

The guy, Hayes, just smiles at him with a look disguised as kindness as he says, “It’s okay. If you dance like that, I’ll let you call me any name you want in bed.”

In an instant, Peter feels shame and guilt crawl over his skin like bacteria, like parasites come to leech away all the good things in him, if there’s anything left. “I should go.”

“I don’t think you should,” Hayes says, tightening his grip on Peter’s waist, and in a flash of panic, Peter rips himself away with a bit of his super strength, tipping Hayes to the floor.

“Sorry,” he says half-heartedly. It’s all he can manage before the urge to sprint out of the party overtakes him, and it’s only when he’s in the cool night hair that he breathes, a deep shuddering exhale that leaves him feeling empty.

Is this what dance is for? he asks, looking up to the sky and spinning in slow circles. He knows it’s not. He knows dance is an art form, not some party trick to get into people’s pants, but Hayes’ cologne lingers on his skin, whispering that he’s nothing more than an object programmed for people’s pleasure.

Will you dance for me? say the demons in his head. Is dance really as sacred as you think, or will you dance for anyone who asks?

Not just anyone, he tells himself. Just my parents and my aunt and uncle and family of superheroes I’ve somehow found. Just for my classmates and my teachers and boys in clubs who look like Harley Keener and smile at me like I mean something to them.

F I V E

A scream rips unbidden from Peter’s throat as he hits the ground. They always say that beauty is pain, but he’s feeling decidedly unpretty as he cradles his sprained ankle, weak from years of never letting it heal properly, ever since that first pas de deux. Admittedly, it doesn’t hurt that bad. His body is already working on stitching itself back together again, but it feels good to scream, so he does it again, letting it taper off into a dry sob. The tears he needs to cry never come, and he wonders if he’s broken or just accustomed to this feeling.

The door to the studio in the Compound slams open, and in runs a sleep-rumpled Harley Keener, wide-eyed in confusion of the sight of Peter on the ground. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Peter grits out, sitting up. “Just panicked when I fell, that’s all. Did I wake you up? Did I wake anyone else up?”

“Just me, I think,” Harley says softly, slipping on the marley in his woolen socks to fall gracefully to the floor beside Peter. “And I was already awake.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter whispers.

Harley’s gaze turns sharp. “For what? Falling?”

Yes, Peter thinks, fighting a sarcastic grin. Sorry for falling in love with you. “No. Yes? Sort of. I’m feeling kind of like a failure tonight. And every night, really, but that’s trauma we don’t have time to unpack right now.”

“It’s only one a.m.,” Harley says. “We have all the time in the world, if you want it.”

Peter, who knows how short life truly is, wants to take Harley’s offer, to cherish his promise of more time, of all the time in the world, but he’s tired and in pain, and he can hardly form coherent thoughts, let alone words. “Another day,” he says. “When it’s actually daytime, not some stupid hour of the night.”

Harley laughs, soft and sweet and reverberating around the room. Peter melts at the sound. He wants to dance to it, almost gets up and does. “What were you working on anyway? It’s winter break.”

“The latest piece for my composition class. It’s due when right after break because we have a showcase coming up.”

“Send me the dates. I love watching you dance,” Harley says, and the words make Peter sad rather than happy, and he doesn’t know why.

“I don’t know why you do. I mean, I don’t even like watching myself dance.”

Harley’s quiet for a moment, and Peter wishes he could take the words back. “I wish I could show you what you look like. You’re normally a swan, or some old cliche of grace, but when you dance? You turn into an angel. It’s breathtaking.”

Peter’s breath hitches, feels the warm glow of praise flow through his veins and lighten his heart. “Oh, Harley,” he says, and all the words he wishes he could say hang in the air. He’s never been very good at saying what he really means with words, fickle and fleeting. Dance, on the other hand, is emotional and eternal, and it��s his way of saying without speaking, of conveying the emotions that linger in his heart.

Harley cups his face in his hands, frozen fingertips leaving burning trails of warmth in their path as they trace along his lips. “Try again,” Harley asks, though it feels more like a command. “For me?”

Peter has never been able to deny Harley. With surprisingly stable legs, despite a swollen ankle, he stands, limps to the center of the room, and breathes.

That’s all dancing is, after all. It’s easier than breathing, yet the hardest thing he has ever done.

Harley starts the music, and all Peter has to do is breathe. He’s lifting up and sinking down and running and twirling around, and a minute into the piece, he’s forgotten about the pain in his ankle, about the misery that weighs him down. He almost forgets about Harley, but it’s hard to ignore his gaze, burning bright trails against Peter’s skin.

Peter faces the mirror in a lull in the music, stares wild-eyed at his own reflection, battered, bruised, broken, and beautiful. Harley said that when he dances he turns into an angel, and Peter sees it now, the otherworldly glow that dancing gives him.

Then the music pushes on, pressing him forward and he falls on his knees, the counts of floorwork giving him an opportunity to center himself again before he stands, preps, and turns, spiralling his leg up in the air and down again.

He’s about to fouette into the second set of pirouettes, but on the plie, he catches Harley’s gaze, burning brighter than Peter has ever seen it before. He stumbles, his weak ankle gives out, something cracks, and he falls again to the floor, staring up at the ceiling, defeated.

“Do you still think I dance like an angel?” he asks, feeling Harley kneel next to him.

“The most beautiful angel of them all.” Harley places tender hands on his leg, carefully probing and watching Peter’s reactions. “I think your ankles broken.”

“You’re probably right.” For some reason, he begins crying, quiet sobs of vulnerability, which hurts more than the physical pain. “Do you mind leaving me alone?”

Harley falters. “You need help.”

“FRIDAY will call someone, but I need a moment alone. Please?” Peter looks up at Harley, reaches out a trembling hand to caress the other boy’s face.

At Peter’s touch, Harley concedes. “Okay,” he murmurs, getting to his feet. “I mean it, you know. Every word I said.”

“I know,” Peter replies, and he does. Some people are hard to read, but Harley’s truth is written all over his face. “Maybe one day I’ll believe it.”

“One day,” Harley echoes. “I’ll see you around, Peter.”

Peter says nothing, merely giving the boy a weak smile. Harley flashes one back before finally leaving, letting the door hiss shut behind him.

Alone in the studio, Peter breathes easier, but at the same time feels the oppressive weight of some grief settle on his shoulders. Remorse, regret, guilt, goodbyes: they all pile on him, pinning him under their burden.

Farewell. It feels like a farewell.

+ O N E

In many ways, it was a farewell. It’s been a year since the incident in the Compound’s studio when Peter broke his ankle. It’s been a year since Peter has talked to Harley any more than bland small talk at team dinners and the one time they ran into each other in the hallways of one of Tony’s charity galas. Peter doesn’t remember much about it, couldn’t say what they talked about, but he remembers the heartbreak that flashed across Harley’s face when he first laid eyes on him.

It’s been a year since Peter last danced.

At first, he took time off to heal, partly because a broken ankle healing in less than a week would look extremely suspicious, but also partly because he did need to heal, emotionally as well as physically. A two-month-long break turned into a six-month-long break, and when Peter returned to NYU for his sophomore year, he changed his major.

There’s more to his year-long sabbatical from dance than an injury. There’s a history of doubt, of self-loathing, of feeling like dance was simultaneously what he was meant to do and what he wasn’t born to do. There’s a history of dancing for other people instead of dancing for himself, and the moment he decided to do something for himself, he stopped dancing. For Peter, having danced nearly his entire life, not dancing feels like he’s missing a piece of himself, a piece of himself he’s been trying to grow back with limited success.

He wonders if he’ll ever be able to dance again. He doesn’t even know if he wants to dance again.

It’s winter in New York City. It’s cold and windy and snowing and cruel, but Peter finds himself walking through Times Square because he’s tired and numb and thinks that maybe if he stands in the brutally cold air in the middle of a crowd, he might feel a little less alone, a little less dead, might feel a little something at all.

Something at all comes in the form of a piano and a voice and hazy memories of a childhood spent dancing in his bedroom with the CD player on full volume. Peter walks through the crowds until he finds the source, a girl his age playing a keyboard and singing gently into a microphone as people passing by drop spare change in the cup on top of the keyboard. As people jostle him in their haste to keep up with the pace of the world turning, closes his eyes, Peter stands still, closes his eyes, and listens.

And then he begins to dance.

In his jeans and boots and knitted beanie, jacket and scarf discarded on the dirty city street, he dances. His body remembers what his mind wants to forget, so he lets himself move to sweet, sad chords and the voice of a girl who smiles at him once in between the chorus and the second verse. She knows what it feels like to fall out of love, out of love with yourself. She hopes he will fall back in love.

When the song ends, the small crowd that formed around them claps. The singer stands and takes Peter’s hand, her cold hand frigid enough to be felt through Peter’s glove. He squeezes it tightly as they bow, laughing and breathless, and Peter’s trying not to cry because the tears will freeze to his face.

The crowd disperses when they straighten up and the girl goes back to her piano with one last smile at Peter. One person remains, the bundle of Peter’s discarded clothing tucked under his arm as he claps a few more times. Peter watches him as lifetimes of repressed memories and emotions flood him, and when Harley catches his eye and smiles, that same smile Peter fell in love with in every lifetime before and will continue to love in every lifetime after, it’s impossible not to cry.

A familiar warmth envelopes Peter, as he sobs, and dimly he registers Harley’s own tears falling into his hair. “Harley,” he says. “Harley, it’s you.”

“It’s me.” Harley pulls back and cups Peter’s wind-bitten face in his warm, gloved hands. “And Peter, it’s you.”

There’s a story behind those words. It’s a story of a boy who loved to dance, who danced for others because it filled the holes in their hearts but ripped his own heart to shreds. It’s the story of a boy who, on a windy winter day danced in the middle of Times Square, who stitched together the remaining pieces of his heart with the chords of a forgotten song, who spun silk patches to fill in the gaps with the language of a forgotten art.

It’s a story that doesn’t end with a happy ending but a hopeful one because there, that day, with the wind and Harley’s arms encircling him, that boy was reborn.

[lazyprinces]

ENDGAME SPOILERS!!!!!!

soo there is so much to process and these are just random thoughts

I was already crying at the initial titles. Just seeing the Marvel Studios Logo broke me. Thinking about all this journey that led to this moment, and how much it has meant for me and all the other people that were with me in that room, watching that movie with me, it killed me. The MCU means so much to me, it has been so important for me and seeing those titles really made me realise how much I’m thankful for all of this.

Tony in space. Facing his worst nightmare. So thin. So sick. So scared. So, so, so human. Which is what makes him my favourite character. Him being just human. The fact that anyone of us could be Tony Stark. Anyone of us could be Iron Man. Because he is just like us. The message to Pepper. That whole scene was heartbreaking. Seeing our favourite hero so miserable, so hopeless.

Carol rescuing Tony was veryyyy predictable but also very amazing. Her strength really amazes me every time.

Tony reunion with Pepper was everything I was waiting for. That little kiss on her cheek made my heart melt. 

Tony’s reaction to Steve questions and to his plans felt so real. Tony was sick, scared and scarred and any other reaction would have been totally unrealistic. It would have felt shallow to see Steve and Tony agreeing like their conflict had never happened. And also considering that Tony was mentally, physically and emotionally devasted that was the only reaction possible.

When we saw Thanos again for the first time I immediately understood what was going to happen. So no big fight to kill Thanos. I wasn’t expecting it but it was the most obvious way in the end. Because the survivors couldn’t have fought against Thanos with his full powers again. So it was inevitable that there would have been something else. Thor saying that he went for the head was 🔝

5 years later. Natasha that manages everything at the Avengers Headquarters. Love her red hair that fade into blonde. She is so strong and so beautiful and I love her so much. And she is so human and so devastated, too. The short scene with Steve was so soft and I wish we had more.

Big no for Thor. Honestly they did him so dirty. He had been my favourite character in Infinity War and he was too humiliated in this movie. Like some things were fun. I admit it. But it was too much. We cannot watch the final epic battle with That Thor. No.

Morgan. There’s nothing more beautiful and perfect of that scene of Tony and his daughter. Him holding her in her arms. Just thinking about it makes me cry all over again. This is so important for Tony’s arch.

I totally loved the scenes when they organise the time travels. Those little domestic scenes that we have always talked about in thousand of headcanons and fanfictions. There’s one scene with Tony, Nat and Bruce laying down on a table talking about the stones that was super cute. I could totally watch a movie with only scene like that.

I loooooooooved the time travel scenes. Especially New York, Asgard and the 70s. Like how fucking epic it is to see again in the cinema the scene of the first team up from the first Avengers. Just great. Seeing it makes me feel so empowered. And I also loved all those scenes after the New York battle. Seeing the other iconic scene with all of the avengers looking at Loki but from the other side was so cool. And then them starting to talk and joke was so fun. Also loved seeing the differences between the characters then and now. Just great. The Steve/Steve fight was epic and reminds us of how unbearable was Steve in the Avengers. (Also can we talk about the fact that to distract himself Steve used Bucky? Like, he totally knows that it is his weak point.)

The 70s with Tony meeting Howard again. Closing a circle. And Steve seeing Peggy. I almost died when I saw her.

Natalie Portman. Nothing to add. I know that many hate Jane for I don’t know why but Natalie is my favourite actress so even seeing her for just a few second was so good.

I appreciated the choice of having Thor meet his mom rather than his father or Loki.

Seeing Peter Quill dancing from outside and looking like a total idiot was epic.

Clint e Natasha. Fucking finally. Honestly the Feels. We have been so blessed. It was everything I was waiting for since 2012. (I’m totally still bitter about everything that happened in age of Ultron but that’s for another time). From the beginning when she his devastated hearing about everything that he has done. When she rescues him and they hold hands. When they understand that one of them has to die. Them holding hands again. Them fighting just like in civil war. Nat dying. It was so heartbreaking. (And also I’m still waiting to know what happened in Budapest).

When they reunite all the stones on Iron Man’s gauntlet. What a fucking powerful symbol. The strength that comes from that shot. Nothing else compares. As soon as I saw it I knew Tony was going to kill Thanos and what was the consequence. (Also this is a big fuck you to everyone that hates Tony Stark and thinks that he is not the protagonist of the mcu) One word: epic.

The 3 seconds in which everything seemed resolved and birds reappear but we know that Thanos is coming and everything is going to hell.

The big 3 ready to face Thanos. Amazing. Wonderful. Epic. Perfect scene. The 3 of them combining their skills. Steve holding the hammer. Thor saying that he knew it and all of us thinking it with him. Steve left alone against Thanos and falling down once again. And once again standing up ready to say “I could do this all day”. But then we hear Sam’s voice and all the portals start to open. And the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen begins.

All the characters appearing. The Avengers Theme that resounds in our hearts. I was literally jumping on the chair. Tears and a huge smile. Seeing all of them united and knowing that for Thanos it’s over. Steve saying Avengers Assemble. And suddenly they’re all Avengers. And we are all Avengers. And you really feel the strength and power of this story.

All the reunions that happen in the middle of the fight. Peter and Tony hugging. All of them swapping the gauntlet up to Carol. And the amazing scene of all the girls united. (And I just want to say to everyone that thinks that it was just “politically correct”: Fuck you. Because yes it was but it was also fucking important. For me and for all the other girls watching those movies with the same passion and dedication of the guys, that have all the right of feeling represented. Because when I saw all of them united I also saw myself standing with them. And I’m sure that many other girls have felt the same way. So who gives a fuck if it’s “just politically correct”).

Carol was so underused but I understand it. Firstly because she is honestly too powerful compared to the others. Secondly because Endgame was the ending of the original cycle of characters and she is going to be the beginning of the next one.

Little thougths on the final scenes because I’m still shook. Tony taking the gauntlet from Thanos. Him saying that fucking annoying line and Tony answering: “I am Iron Man”. And the circle closes. And I don’t think there’s much too add. Tony is the Marvel Cinematic Universe and without him there wouldn’t be anything else. I’m sorry but no other character has the same value. He is the protagonist and no one can change my mind. And when he says “I am Iron Man” as he snaps his fingers, and we all say it with him, it’s fucking powerful.

Tony dying sorrounded by his loved ones. Pepper’s hand on the reactor. Devastating.

Tony’s message. His voiceover that reminds me of the ending of Iron Man 3. That ends with that same line. I am Iron Man. The beginning and the end. Nothing else to add.

The funeral. Morgan watching the video. Everyone being there for Tony, the kid from Iron Man 3, Nick fury, May. Happy saying to Morgan that her dad loved cheeseburgers too. Proof that Tony Stark has an heart. All of this killed me.

Valkyrie king of New Asgard and Thor with the guardians is perfect. I think that he fits in that group much more than into the new Avengers. Quill looking at a picture of Gamora with the word “searching” hinting at the plot of the next movie.

Steve leaving and saying goodbye to Bucky with the same words of The First Avenger. So beautiful. Steve coming back and passing the shield to Sam. I agree so much with this choice. The fact that the movies ends with the dance between Steve and Peggy that we had been waiting for all this time and them kissing is just perfection.

The amazing end credits. With the signatures of the original Avengers. Ending with RDJ. Because as much as Tony is the MCU, Robert Downey Jr. is. The Marvel logo at the end with the background noise of the hammer as a tribute to the scene where Tony forged the first armour, beginning this amazing journey.

In conclusion I liked this movie much more than Infinity War. Maybe because Infinity War was a transitioning movie, very fast, very dynamics for sure but also simpler. Endgame was so full of stuff. Many things and I loved them all or almost all. The perfect conclusion for the characters and this whole cycle. And for anyone complaining about the contradiction regarding time travels, honestly it’s a movie about aliens and superheroes who cares if something doesn’t add up.

[anti-pasto]

for the 200 ask thingy, i actually dare you to do all of them. :D

delgaskarthalexhere we go, anon: 

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t have one right now, I don’t get them often (if I ever had a crush at all)

199: I was born in: 2003

198: I am really: A 2005 emo kid x a 2008 scene kid x a 2014 tumblr fangirl x Kyle himself

 197: My cellphone company is: Apple

194: My ring size is: Honestly? No idea. Propose to me with a sword.

 193: My height is: Somewhere between 5′7″ and 5′8″

192: I am allergic to: Nothing I’m aware of 

191: My 1st car was:  94 Station Wagon, by request

190: My 1st job was: being this funny is a full-time gig

 189: Last book you read: Bone Gap by Laura Ruby

188: My bed is: “made”

187: My pet: I have a cat, I love her very much and I will show her to you if you dm me a cursed image

186: My best friend: We don’t use “best friend” for personal reasons, but they’ve been with me since I was 5 so, my one and only Bro

185: My favorite shampoo is: anything with “silky smooth” or “strawberries” on the bottle. i’m not that picky anymore.

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox or ps4  xbox

183: Piggy banks are: really useful

 182: In my pockets: wallet, keys, phone, earbuds, black pen/pencil, earplugs, mini flashlight

 181: On my calendar:  i’m meeting a friend for smoothies tomorrow

 180: Marriage is: something we shouldn’t push so much onto people. it’s a declaration of love, not an end-all fix-all to your life. i can’t ever see myself getting married but who knows!

 179: Spongebob can: continue to be a relevant meme

178: My mom: i mean. we function. i can’t really complain about my family at large but i am defiantly looking forward to living literally as far away from them as i can. 

 177: The last three songs I bought were? psh, you think i pay for music? (folie a deux, lake effect kid, believers never die volume two) (those are albums but its okay)

176: Last YouTube video watched: I watched Markiplier play Uno

175: How many cousins do you have? 11? 12? I lost count

174: Do you have any siblings? I have a brother

 173: Are your parents divorced? Nope!

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes, I have been for a while

171: Do you play an instrument? dude HECK yeah! i vibe on piano, guitar, ukulele, clarinet, and im a drum major

170: What did you do yesterday? I went on a drive by myself.

 [ I Believe In ] 

169: Love at first sight: Nope.

168: Luck: Yes, but luck is something that can be engineered

167: Fate: To an extent

 166: Yourself: I’d say overall, yeah. I still have doubts tho

165: Aliens: Mmmmmm yeah

 164: Heaven: Yes

163: Hell: Yes

162: God: Yeup

 161: Horoscopes: without an ounce of truth, they would have died a long time ago

160: Soul mates: the greeks had seven words for love. i think we have multiple soul mates to fit each of those categories. there are definitely people we’re just meant to vibe with

159: Ghosts: i want to say yes but i really dont know

158: Gay Marriage: yes. its 2020. grow up.

157: War: in theory? no. war is kinda messed up. in reality? not everyone is going to be down to nice diplomatic conflict resolution, and not everyone is just gonna leave people *countries* they don’t like alone, so...

156: Orbs: ??? energies are real

155: Magic: vibes are real

 [ This or That ]

 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs

153: Drunk or High: i am a child of jesus

152: Phone or Online: online

 151: Red heads or Black haired:  irdc but black hair bc i am Emo

150: Blondes or Brunettes: blonde?? ig?? easier to dye

149: Hot or cold: hot weather + cold rooms

148: Summer or winter: summer

147: Autumn or Spring: autum (screw spring)

 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla

145: Night or Day: night

 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges (better to share with homies)

 143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont care but curly

 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald give iced coffee

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate

 140: Mac or PC: pc for vidgya gaemes

139: Flip flops or high heals: ...converse. please. i cant walk properly in either of those

 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 

 137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi

136: Hillary or Obama: this is kinda outdated but obama

135: Burried or cremated: cremated i aint watch spn for nothin

134: Singing or Dancing: singing. at least that gets better with practice

133: Coach or Chanel: chanel (thank u mr frank ocean and also the neighborhood)

 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: whomst

 131: Small town or Big city: big city and if you say small town you’ve never lived in a small town

 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target

 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: who tf is this

 128: Manicure or Pedicure: idk dude probably pedicure i don’t like people touching my hands and i use them for too much to get my nails done

127: East Coast or West Coast: hnngggggggg west coast has more to do but east coast has better beaches and 

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday 

125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate bc then i can give u some

124: Disney or Six Flags: ive only been to disney so disney (though i AM a HARDCORE rollercoaster stan so it wouldnt take much for me to say six flags)

123: Yankees or Red Sox: what 

 [ Here’s What I Think About ]

 122: War: unfortunately sometimes necessary but not as a first resort i went over this already 

 121: George Bush: is that the shoe guy?

 120: Gay Marriage:  be gay. do crime. kiss wife. or husband. or partner. basically, hell yeah

119: The presidential election: america need 2 b single and focus on herself

 118: Abortion: pro-choice and that choice should be made by the one carrying the baby

117: MySpace: tumblr’s dad

116: Reality TV: don’t talk to about abt this

 115: Parents: disgusting. go to therapy. 

114: Back stabbers: if you’re gonna stab me in the back, pull my lungs through my ribcage bc that’s what my ancestor’s ghosts are gonna do to you (thanks great (x a few times) grandma viking ily thanks for the hair:) )

113: Ebay: good for merch and selling books

 112: Facebook: zuck my dick, data-theif

111: Work: i like doing work? like- i enjoy completing tasks and seeing my hard work pay off? it’s not that bad?

110: My Neighbors: old. boring. want me to babysit for free.

109: Gas Prices: i cant really complain rn they’re kinda low and im a little broke so

108: Designer Clothes: i vibe to them, honestly

 107: College: not for everyone but definitely for me

106: Sports: marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport but only technically speaking though you can make fair comparisons to sports such as cheer, and gymnastics where the idea is to put on a show and receive a score in the form of competition. 

 105: My family: disgusting

104: The future: the future doesn’t exist

 [ Last time I ] 

103: Hugged someone: god, don’t ask me this

 102: Last time you ate: uhhh like 9 hours ago? it was dinner and i had pizza

 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: three or four weeks ago by best bro came to visit and we vibed

100: Cried in front of someone: i finished twist and shout at school at the end of a very bad week. it was only a few tears but that’s as close as i get to crying

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever the last star wars movie came out

98: Took a vacation: last year i went to dc over summer break to see the Smithsonian, it was a lot of fun. i was supposed to go to altanta and florida this year but that didn’t happen for reasons

 97: Swam in a pool: last week

 96: Changed a diaper: never

 95: Got my nails done: never

 94: Went to a wedding: its been at least 6 years dude

93: Broke a bone: never, somehow

 92: Got a peircing: nope

91: Broke the law: technically, yesterday. 55 is too slow

90: Texted: just now

 [ MISC ] 

89: Who makes you laugh the most: the person in my snap named “junior”

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cat

87: The last movie I saw: probably into the spiderverse

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: things going back to normal. or somewhat normal. i need school to have a schedule bc i absolutely cannot force myself to function without outside influence

 85: The thing im not looking forward to: ironically, school in the fall. the way we’re going back is going to wreck me more than lockdown already has

 84: People call me: i only ft one of my bros and they know who tf they are if you ask to ft you’re getting fuckin blocked mate i dont do that shit video calls are for WORK and SCHOOL thats IT. but ppl call me by my nickname irl, i go by screech on here. 

83: The most difficult thing to do is: listen to my parent’s political opinions? live in a small town? force myself to be productive without a physical influence and reminder? put up with that one dude?

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

 81: My zodiac sign is: scoprio/leo/gemini

80: The first person i talked to today was: the potential bassist for our potential band? 

79: First time you had a crush: uhh im still not sure if it was a crush but i wanted them to myself and they wanted (and got) someone better. we were just friends so it doesn’t really matter

 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: the person on snap named “the great oracle”

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, it was my brother

 76: Right now I am talking to: in order of snap names, “vibin ~[^.^]~”, “russian umbrella”, and “mom” (not really)

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully, a job that makes me happy

74: I have/will get a job: as soon as i know what’s going on with school. but like as an adult? wherever will hire me and pay my fairly. being a barista would be fun, but at a local place (not in my current town)

73: Tomorrow: ???? time for bad poetry: tomorrow i will see my friend/ admist this lasting chaos/ we will be each other’s solitude/ while sharing fruity drinks/ and when we both come home/ a smile we will bring

72: Today: idk what this means so more poetry: today i will be sleep deprived as always/ i will think of them and weep/ but no tears will fall from my eyes/ for i know there is a reason/ we went our own way

 71: Next Summer: i fr dont know whats goin on so: next summer i will be/ as happy as can be/ because i will be in pain no longer/ the earth is sure to heal/ and i will heal with her/ so i can enjoy/ the heatwave of next summer

70: Next Weekend: next weekend i will spend/ my days wasting away/ maybe ill finish hannibal/ again/ not that serial killers make the dopamine stay/ i will not see my friends/ or talk to my family/ i will seldom eat/ and live off coffee/ this has been my life/ all quarintine/ god someone please help me

 69: I have these pets: i have four cats, three chickens, and a dog

 68: The worst sound in the world: my dad and grandpa talking

 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Them

 66: People that make you happy: snap name time: the great oracle, junior, vibin ~[^.^]~, russian umbrella, mom, hero, booby-king 48, go to bed, son, pooper trooper, mac&cheese, plain egg biscuit, apple pie

 65: Last time I cried: i dont cry bitch (last week over officals that cant make up they gottdamned mindes)

64: My friends are: my family and i would die for each and all of them

 63: My computer is: an old hp but it play gaemes real good so it okie

 62: My School: is trash but the band pops off

61: My Car: old, fast, clean

60: I lose all respect for people who: are my dad

 59: The movie I cried at was: i cried over big hero six

 58: Your hair color is: blonde

57: TV shows you watch: supernatural, good omens, hannibal, parks and rec

56: Favorite web site: this hellsite or youtube

 55: Your dream vacation: out of the country with beautiful beaches, amazing food, and my best friend

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: the time i split the back of my head open, the time i split my chin open, and the time my then best friend said they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. i’ll let you guess which one hurt the most and which one i think about every fucking day

53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium or medium well. 

52: My room is: clean and a reflection of myself, or so i’ve been told

51: My favorite celebrity is: i do not engage in celebrity worship. ill follow them and reblog gifs/interviews but i dont really have a favorite. the less i know abt them the better.

 50: Where would you like to be: my own apartment in nyc

49: Do you want children: FUCK THEM KIDS BRO

 48: Ever been in love: i dont know if it was love. i dont know if it was a crush. what i do know id that i was attached and they didn’t feel the same, and why would they?

 47: Who’s your best friend: we dont really use best friend bc but “the great oracle” “junior” and “vibin ~[^.^]~”

46: More guy friends or girl friends: its 50/50

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: goin fast, the beach, playin video games

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: them

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: go to college, earn degree

 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: commit arson

 41: Have you pre-named your children: FUCK. THEM. KIDS. BRO.

40: Last person I got mad at: they do not understand that they do not know everything about something they’re not even involved in yet

39: I would like to move to: new zealand

38: I wish I was a professional: artist? musican? youtuber? who knows

 [ My Favorites ] 

37: Candy: nerds

36: Vehicle: 1970 mustang gt

 35: President: jfk only bc his assassination is the only good thing abt american history the rest of it is fucked up and shouldn’t have happened. also jfk’s song in assassians the musical goes hard

34: State visited: california

 33: Cellphone provider: verizon? apple? idfk

32: Athlete: what is sport

31: Actor: i don't watch shows or movies

30: Actress: i do not consume media

29: Singer: alex gaskarth or alexander deleon

 28: Band: fall out boy 

 27: Clothing store: hot topic (i will not apologize)

 26: Grocery store: okay harris teeter fucks but lidil’s has aloe vera juice and target at 9 pm energy so idk man 

25: TV show: supernatural...

24: Movie: big hero 6

 23: Website: tumblr or youtube

 22: Animal: snow leopard 

 21: Theme park: busch gardens bc roller coaster go fast

20: Holiday: christmas

19: Sport to watch: snowboarding bc its like skateboarding but on snow

18: Sport to play: anything with havy footwork (marching band is a sport)

17: Magazine: i do not condume media

16: Book: the ranger’s apprentice series as a whole makes up my all-time one favorite book

 15: Day of the week: friday bc its game day baybey

14: Beach: cocoa beach in florida but also i have so much left to experience 

13: Concert attended: i havent been to any notable gigs but i was supposed to go to hella mega

 12: Thing to cook: pancakes

11: Food: pizza or shushi

 10: Restaurant: chiplote

 9: Radio station: i like my local rock station and my local edm/top 40 station

8: Yankee candle scent: anything smoky or vanilla idc

7: Perfume: chanel no. 5 if i even wear it

6: Flower: Hydrangea

5: Color: orange

 4: Talk show host: cecil palmer

 3: Comedian: john maulaney

 2: Dog breed: yes

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ;)

That was a trip. But it was fun, please do things like this more often. Also, I don’t consume media by choice. I’m not sheltered I just can’t be bothered, and I have enough going on. That being said I will now be sleeping. Thanks again, Anon, I hope you have fun reading this :D

[crispychristianawrites]

Mark Lee on You’ve Worked Hard Today

A/n : AHH I've always wanted to be on you've worked hard today with Mark cause he's from Vancouver too and just talking to him would be such a blessing and a dream come true for me!!(I'm highkey writing this for myself but it's also easier to write about mark lee since he's from Vancity like me KEK) 

Disclaimers: discussions about poor childhood, mental illnesses, stress, fears, etc. 

Pairing: Idol!Mark x Reader

I stared at the clock, patiently waiting for time to pass so I can start heading home for the day. I had a free block last block and couldn't wait to get out of my schools tacky uniform. It was autumn and soon it would start snowing. Wearing a skirt was cold and I was never fond of them in the first place. I scribbled some more notes before the bell had rung. I packed my books and went straight to my locker. “aish I need to bring home my huge law textbook because of that dumb quiz” I mumbled to myself as I took the huge book and closed my locker. 

--------

I patiently waited for y/n to walk out of the door to see me here. I wonder what her reaction will be like. What if she cries? Oh no, Idk what to do if she starts crying. What if she faints? Right as I was pondering about scenarios she had walked through the doors. “y/n-ah” I called to her. She looked up and immediately backed away with her hand covering her mouth. “oh my God, no way I'm dreaming” she nearly yelled. I looked directly into her eyes and she started to cry. “oh noo noo don't cry,” I immediately walked over there and hugged her. She just cried “I can't believe this is happening oh my God, I don't think you understand how much this means to me,”. She hugged me back and I rested my chin on her head. I slightly bent down to her level and asked, “do you want to go to a cat cafe with me?” her eyes widened but she of course accepted. 

---------

I was walking behind Mark Lee while we were on our way to the cat cafe. “why are you walking behind me?” he asked as he grabbed a hold of my hand and brought me right next to him. I swear he could feel my heart beating so fast right now. He looked down at me and smiled. My God, that smile made me want to melt to my knees. “Mark, do you know that you're insanely handsome,” I said in English. He smiled. “I didn't know you could speak English, a lot of people tell me that but I don't believe them most of the time. I like to think Taeyong hyung or Jungwoo hyung is more handsome.” I laughed at his remark, “really? because I think you're the most handsome in NCT. And yes, I'm from Vancouver as well. I grew up there.” I replied. “thank you y/n. Seriously.” we continued our walk to the cat cafe. 

We sat down near a window and patiently waited for our coffee to be served. “so y/n, what do you want to do when you graduate?” Mark had asked me in the nicest way. “I want to become an idol, not for being a fan, because I want to create music that inspires people and makes people feel better. I want to share that with the world.” 

He grabbed ahold of my hand again and I blushed at his action. “that's amazing.” he said. “but my dad won't let me, he says I'll go nowhere if I go into music.” I looked down starting to tear up. “ah y/n don't cry.” he stood up and wiped my falling tears away with his sleeve. “ah sorry Mark.” I had apologized because I didn't know I would be crying so much. “it's just that my family doesn't have a lot of money so I’m very limited to what I can do and how I spend my money.” more tears had flown out and Mark just cupped one of my cheeks and wiped the tears away with his thumb. “Do you mind if you sing a bit for me or rap, whatever you’re comfortable with? I just want to help you improve so you gain confidence with what you want to do.” I just nodded shyly and looked at the ground, I started to sing No Longer and Marks eyes grew wide. “Wah y/n! You’re a really good singer.” I just blushed at his comment. “I also make YouTube videos for fun.” I was beaming because someone had told me I was good at singing. I gently pushed the phone screen towards Mark as he watched me cover Cherry Bomb at one of the older showcase stages for the song. He was in pure shock at how good you were at dancing. Not only could you sing but you could also dance really well. “Woah y/n that was really good. Have you ever considered auditioning for any companies?” he asked politely. “Honestly Mark, no I haven’t. I never really had the confidence. Growing up, I wasn’t well-liked and even now I’m not and I think the pressure of wanting to do something my parents don’t want me to do makes me feel trapped and sad. I don’t talk to a lot of people so I keep everything to myself and mentally.. I’m not the most stable.” Tears had started to come out of my eyes as I told Mark some of my past and the worries I have. “Please just try one audition y/n. If you don’t make it, just keep going because you’re really good so I’m sure you’ll make it one day.” Mark smiled at me and I felt extremely reassured. “Thank you, Mark, I enjoyed this talk but it’s getting late,” I said with a bit of a stutter. I was sad that this had to end, Mark is one of my biggest inspirations. “I’ll walk you home,” Mark said with a gummy smile plastered on his face. 

“Hey y/n,” your head perked up when he said your name. “Give me your hand” he took my hand and threaded his finger through mine and gave me a gummy smile. I SWEAR my heart stopped beating. 

Eventually, we ended up at my house after talking about random things. “Really, I’m sad to say that this but you are my biggest inspiration and getting the opportunity to talk to you made me feel so relieved and so much better. I really hope one day we can perform on the same stage Mark, I love you so much and literally thank you for everything.” You had just ranted all of that with tears forming around your eyes yet again. “No y/n, don't cry again! I really enjoyed my time with you and I hope we can perform on the same stage too. I hope your dreams will become a reality and I hope you never forget this moment. I won’t forget you y/n” he hugged you and kissed your forehead. “Thank you for supporting NCT and me! Please don’t feel so worried, you’re doing great” he smiles at you again. 

a/n: AH I actually archived this in my google docs for THE LONGEST TIME, THIS WAS FROM SEPTEMBER OF LAST YEAR FREJFKRJWEJOIRE!!!! I just wanted to get back into writing again and I think bringing this back was good! I might make this into a series for all of NCT and maybe some other idols too??? But, yes, thank you for reading!

[rahullkohli]

okay, so, for the headcanon thing and because i'm too lazy to write this myself, BUT, consider: they get dave to the modern timeline through Plot Convenience, and he and Klaus attend pride, which is simply Mindblowing to Dave, this sweet guy coming from such a place of social prejudice and homophobia, who's seeing all this overwhelming positivity and support and love out there in public in all its colours, and is just... shocked. essentially, dave crying from joy & holding klaus' hands a lot

i am so sorry this took me a while to get to, but i think about this scenario a lot, and i have to put this under a cut because it turned into 1.3k words of dave experiencing a whole new world.

okay i know that i am completelyminority here, but i don't feel like klaus is the kind of guy whoneeds to flaunt his sexuality. tbh i don't even think he even thinksabout it. i think he mostly just gets with whoever he is attracted to(or can offer him a warm bed or a couch for some time) regardless ofgender. so to me klaus doesn't go to pride for the community, or forthe social aspect. whenever klaus has gone to pride it has been tofill his needs for alcohol, drugs, sex and because pride is fuckingloud.

but then dave is there in the moderntimeline with him, and even though klaus is like ”this is dave,he's my guy, we're a thing, you shut up” to his siblings, dave isstill closeted. dave has been closeted his whole life because heliterally didn't have a choice. and the changes from his timeline toklaus' are an extreme culture shock. klaus' wardrobe alone is enoughto make him need a stiff drink and a moment to clear his head. davewasn't exactly a hippie back in the sixties, and he never really hadmuch to do with them back then. and it's confusing, and he is havinga really hard time. and klaus isn't the most evolved when it comes totalking about feelings, because who the hell would have taught himthat? old reggie? i think not! he's done it in rehab, and grouptherapy in prison, but he always followed up with sarcastic remarks,and he is not about to do that to dave. so instead klaus sits withhim, tells him he doesn't have to be out until he feels like it'sright, and that it all comes down what dave needs. but he also tellsdave about all the good progress the lgbt community has seen sincethe 60s. and then he tells dave about pride – how we have an entiremonth to raise awareness and remember our history. he tells daveabout how pride is a place where nobody cares, where everyone ishappy, and even closeted people get to be themselves for at least acouple of hours because at pride eveeryone is themselves. and klausshows dave pictures and videos from pride, videos of drag queensperforming, and boys kissing boys, and girls kissing girls. picturesof colorful floats and huge, hairy guys in thongs and colorful boasaround their necks.

so they decide to go. dave hesitant,and klaus promises that they don't have to do anything, they can justwatch from the sidelines. klaus even wears pants and a full lengtht-shirt with sleeves and everything to make dave feel as neutral aspossible as they're on the bus to the nearest big city where thefestivities are going down.

and when they arrive it's big, andpompous, and it's colorful. and it's so happy! the energy is booming,and there are so many smiles. big men are making out, unashamed, inthe middle of the city square. women with buzzcuts are holding handsand looking each other in the eyes like they're seeing the sun forthe first time. drag queens taller than dave are dancing in thehighest heels he has ever seen, and teenagers whose genders davecan't even figure out are laughing so hard they can barely stand.there are so many people, and literally every one of them is lookinghappy, and content, and excited.

the air is exploding with love, and forthe first time in the entire time they have known each other, klausfeels dave carefully lace their fingers together in front of otherpeople. and he can't stop grinning, and he so want a drink right now,but he also wants to keep his head clear in case dave getsoverwhelmed. but as a float marked gay soldiers do it better filledwith ripped guys in army pants passed them, dave inches closer tohim, and when klaus looks at him he sees tears in his boyfriend'seyes. so klaus squeezes his hand and dares to move closer.

”everyone is just so happy. andopen,” dave says, but he can't pull his eyes away, and klaus isn'tabout to be the one to break the spell for him. so instead he juststands there, letting dave digest it all, take it all in as much ashe can handle. klaus never considered himself closeted, and he neverfelt like he had to come out to anyone either. it wasn't like hisfamily even cared whether he was alive or dead, so why should hebother to feel like he owed them that part of himself? but it was abig deal to dave, and klaus was not about to take that away from him.

so they spend the whole day in the citysquare. klaus meets former drinking buddies and people he used to domolly with. he meets at least eight different people he has sleptwith, and dave is overwhelmed by how klaus isn't gay or straight butsomething entirely different. but dave is polite and greets everyone,even if he doesn't like the idea of anyone else having ever touchedklaus the way he gets to. he watches klaus dance with other people,and listens to him have conversations that he knows are in englishbut doesn't make the tiniest bit of sense to him. but he doesn'tmind; dave enjoys seeing klaus having a good time, and he likes to beon the sideline to observe without having to put himself in themiddle of it, and he tries not to blush whenever klaus proudlyintroduces him to whoever comes their way, or whenever other mencalls him cute in front of other men. so he holds klaus' hand, andevery time klaus has been wandering off and comes back, he pullsklaus just a little bit closer than he previously has allowed himselfin public.

and they stay the whole day, over theevening, and even though dave's head is pounding from all the loudmusic and the sun baking down on them for hours, he wouldn't want itany other way. his heart has been feeling like it was going to poundright out of his chest the entire day, and he has been scared todeath since before they even left the house, but now that it's darkand the music is transitioning to slower beats, there's no place davewould rather be.

slowly he gathers up his courage to lethis arms wrap around klaus, even though they are surrounded bystrangers. but everyone seems focused on their own moment, and withcouples dancing around them dave tells himself that this is as good amoment as any, and with klaus' arms softly around him he starts tosway, letting them blend in with the other couples moving to the softtunes. and when klaus rest his cheek on his shoulder, dave's stomachdoes a small jump, but he doesn't fight it, and allows his own torest against klaus' messy curls as they are swaying in place.

it's terrifying, and dave is constantlyexpecting someone to come attack them, but then he watches the othercouples around them, and reminds himself to breathe. so he squeezesklaus tighter and takes his hand, dancing like the slow dances he didwith girls in high school, where he used to close his eyes andimagine it was a cute boy, but he never would have imagined that hewould actually get to have a dance like that with someone thatactually made his heart flutter like klaus does. but here he is;fireworks popping over their heads, and a sweet pop song playing overthe biggest speakers he has seen in his life. and he's with klaus. sonothing else matters.

[thedancingsoldier]

My Top Song for The Second Half of 2019

⚠️Warning Long Post⚠️

Sam Smith: How Do You Sleep?= Lies, LIES. Lying out your teeth. The question is how do you sleep when you lie to me? This song is addictive to me. Sam Smith speaks in this song wondering how does this person sleep with all the lies that he’s been told? Sam Smith regrets staying in the relationship with this person as long as he did because he also couldn’t stay away from this person. But now he realizes he has to leave and he hopes that the love that he left, keeps this person up at night. Because he’s done. It doesn’t help that the beat is infectious and Sam Smiths voice just floats. I literally just melt into this song, and I lose myself.

Charlie Puth: I Warned Myself= This song sounds like a hook-up that went terribly wrong. In this song Charlie Puth explains how he met this person who was in a relationship with somebody else oversees. Charlie actually liked this person, so with him being skeptical, he went along with the shenanigans anyway. Later this person threatened to kill him, if he told anybody about what they did together. With that being said, Charlie regrets going about the whole thing, and blames himself and this person for messing with his heart.

Keiynan Lonsdale: Rainbow Dragon= This song is a mix of everything, but it is ultimately a message of excelling for yourself, excelling for the world, getting back up from when you fell, and changing this world for the better. Keiynan delivers some shade to the politicians as well, which is always great. One line stuck out to me, “if I can slay, you can slay too b***h.” It’s simple but powerful in its own way.

Rat City: Deliriously Good= This song is a basic admiration for a girl that Rat City finds “deliriously good”. This song makes me smile every time I listen to it, or hear it in the distance even when the volume is too low for anyone else to hear it. The beat is so disco, so retro with that modern electronic dance flavor attached to it. I can’t get enough of this song. It’s doesn’t help that Rat City made a trilogy of videos not to match the lyrics of the songs but as a story with the songs just being background music. It’s good background music though. And good marketing and good production. So kudos to Rat City for that.

Jax Jones, Martin Solveig, Madison Beer & Europa: All Day All Night - Jax Jones & Martin Solveig Presents Europa= This song speaks about another toxic relationship. The singer Madison Beer speaks of getting no sleep because of this person she can’t stop thinking about, and that she fell in love with and that she’s tired of it. This person just left her out of the blue, and never came back. Jax Jones, Martin Solveig and Europa collaborated on this song, and they did it beautifully. It’s perfectly electronic dance music, with some tropical house influence. It’s perfect.

Camila Cabello: Shameless= This song can be interpreted in so many different ways. One way I interpreted this song was, it’s one person expressing their love for the other person. Going all out with it. The other side thanks to @camrencabregui on the comment section of genius.com. They see it as a lgbt relationship. Being all out with their love and shouting it from the rooftops, not caring what anyone thinks. Either way it’s needing someone more than you want them. It’s loving someone shamelessly and with pure love in your heart.

Bebe Rexha: You Can’t Stop The Girl (From Disney’s “Maleficent: Mistress of Evil”)= Side note, I’m so glad Bebe Rexha released this song. It reminds me of her earlier songs that she came out with. And the message is as powerful as ever. It’s so Disney and that’s what makes it great and so influential. It’s breaking that glass ceiling, that still not totally broken. It’s accomplishing your dreams, and not letting anyone stop you.

Charlie Puth: Cheating On You= With this song, Charlie Puth states, on the album cover for this single, “This song is not about a person, it’s about a feeling I’ve never had.” I love that he puts that out there. It’s a song anyone relate to. It’s about both parties of a relationship leaving each other. But, one person is still attached to the other. Even, when this person meets a different person, it doesn’t feel right. This person hasn’t moved on enough to feel love for another person, other than the person they fell in love with in the first place. This song is a masterpiece.

Zedd: Good Thing (with Kehlani)= This song is an introverts theme song. Honestly it is. It basically states that the alone time this person has is already serene and perfect. To broaden this persons horizons the other view that someone else shows them, has to be better than this persons world. And according to this person, everything, and everybody else has yet to excel against that.

Yuna: Forevermore= The Malaysian artist that broadened my horizons on music. Somehow, they managed to fuse Malaysian influences with modern influences and subtle funk influences as well. It’s truly spectacular. The song talks about reaching for the stars. Finding that strength and sticking with it no matter how scared you are or how scary it gets.

Labrinth & Zendaya: All For Us - from the HBO Original Series “Euphoria”= This song is based off of the show on HBO called Euphoria starring Zendaya and Storm Reid. It’s a also a remix from the original that’s on Labrinth’s 2019 album “Imagination & The Misfit Kid”. In the show (From Genius.com), the main character of the show is Rue (Zendaya), a 17-year-old recovering drug addict struggling to find her place in the world. While her father was in the hospital, she began taking his medication. To cope with his death, she started to abuse drugs and ultimately became an addict, realizing she can’t find happiness or love without the drugs. The song takes cues from a bunch of sources, from the subtle trap beat in the background, to the choir that slowly builds and barges in at the “climax” of the song. It’s a really great song.

Emeli Sandé: Honest= This song attacked me in a good way. And it kept attacking me. And it will probably attack you too. To be honest. It simply states, “stop acting as if you can’t be honest to yourself”. Live in the present. Dont live in the past so much that you forget what is happening now in the present. Emeli Sandé did what? THAT. Honestly explaining this song does not do it justice. You’ll have to listen to this song to get it. And once you’ve done that, listen to it again, and again.

Selena Gomez: Look At Her Now= Rising from the ashes. Being in a relationship that was bad for you, and coming out of it learning about yourself more and growing from that negative experience. That is what this song is talking about. Self-preservation & resilience. On top of a beat that’s infectious. And a voice that’s soothing to the ears.

James Arthur: Quite Miss Home= You know how some songs make you want to cry? This song did that. It’s about being away from those you love. Missing them while your away. It’s really self-explanatory. But it’s a beautiful song. My side of the story is too long to tell, but this song’s chorus basically covers that.

Panic! At The Disco: Into The Unknown - from “Frozen 2”= To get this song you will have to watch or go see Disney’s Frozen 2. But I will tell you this song is the ultimate challenge song if you want to try to hit any notes that seem impossible to hit. Brendon Urie goes higher than I’ve ever heard him. I’m pretty sure his fans have heard him hit these notes, but not me. It’s incredible.

Billie Eilish: everything i wanted= This one is about a dream that Billie had. According to Billie, in the dream she committed suicide and no one cared and everyone came out and said that they didn’t like her anyway. I love that this song about a dream she had. It’s different than anything I’ve heard this year. And the melody is so perfectly blended together with the vocals. It’s captivating, honestly. Billie also molds together her relationship with her brother and how close they are in this song. And how they have each others backs no matter what happens. Billie and her brother wrote this song. Another reason why i love this song.

Taylor Swift: Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince= After finally listening to Taylor Swift’s newest album, I found a couple of gems that I come back to jam to or meditate to. Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince is one of them that caught my attention. According to Taylor, “this song is about our disillusionment with our crazy world of politics and inequality, set in a metaphorical high school.” On the surface it’s about, finding someone who sees who you really are through all the noise that everyone else is spouting about you. I felt it was a very compelling and complex story to write. That’s why I love this song. I love a song that takes me a while to decipher. It makes me think. I love that!

Taylor Swift: Daylight= Chills. I get true chills when I listen to this song. Another song that I get lost in, and another song that caught my attention from Taylor’s album, because of how the melody and the lyrics and the meaning sucks me in. It’s the last song on her album “Lover”. And she did it so right. With this song it’s like she sees, like the title implies, daylight. Reading the lyrics of the song, it’s Taylor talking about herself, but also it can be a message to everyone else. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes, for past situations that may not have ended in the way you wanted or envisioned them to end. Look at the bright side, and see that you can grow from that, and from that, rebuild a better you.

Labrinth: Something’s Got To Give= Normally, when I hear a remix of a song. I tend to go with the remix rather than the original. But this song, I went with both. Because the beat got me, the message got me, and Labrinths masterful mixing and production got me as well. I love a song that, beat-wise, can take me on a rollercoaster. I love a song even better when there’s a great message tied to it. Labrinths talks of when going on faith and the going gets tough, you’ve got to give a little more. Going for your dreams and never giving up no matter how hard it gets. It’s bass heavy, it’s message heavy. It’s everything I hoped for in a song. And it’s something I think almost everyone will love as well.

[stokan]

Top 20 Things of 2018

1.) Beychella How do you make a long awaited surprise album between two of the biggest names in music that is also one of the year’s best feel like complete afterthought? Set the bar as high as Beyonce’s Coachella appearance.

First awards show performances, then music videos, now music festival gigs: is there anything that Beyonce CAN’T turn into high art?

2.) Explained by Vox The most exciting development in the world of television in 2018 was radically breaking the rules on episodes length. We saw 30 minute dramas, and hour long comedies. We got shows like Maniac where episodes were as long as 49 minutes and as short as 27 minutes. Now television creators can tell exactly the stories they want to tell in however much time they want to tell them in. And perhaps nowhere were these loosened restrictions taken better advantage than Explained, Vox’s documentary series for Netflix. Many topics cant sustain a full length documentary, but, say, 14 minutes explaining cryptocurrency to me? Sure! 17 minutes on designer DNA? Sounds great! 20 minutes on the origins of K-Pop? How do you say “yes please” in Korean? Every episode has a different narrator, a different look, a different feel, and varies wildly in subject matter. Yet they are all exactly the length they need to be. The only thing left I really need explained to me is why no one thought to make this series before.

3.) Serial Season 3 If Explained was a great example of the latest evolution in television, then the new season of Serial is at the front line of the evolution of our newest artistic medium: podcasts. Serial’s third season was nothing like its second, which was in turn nothing like its first. It’s a series still figuring out what it CAN be, while now defining forever what it NEEDS to be. Serial this year explained a deeply important topic in a way that wouldn’t have been possible through any other medium. They always say if you’re a writer you have to ask yourself what form of writing your idea needs to be. Don’t write a play that’s really a TV show, or a movie that should be a book. And now we can add to that don’t make a TV series that’s really a podcast. As Homecoming proved this year, the two mediums are very different and better equipped to tell different stories. And after hearing Serial Season Three I can’t imagine there will ever be a better way to explore the current American criminal justice system. It was 2018’s version of Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle. It may not change national food safety standards, but it hopefully will do something perhaps even more important: it will make us never again take lightly the election of local judges and sheriffs. It was a podcast for the heart, the head, and the time capsule.

4.) Black Mirror - “Hang the DJ” I know this technically came out December 29th 2017 but I’m counting it here because nothing was more 2018 than this. The sadness, the isolation, the uncertainty, the living in a world you don’t understand the rules of anymore, the unfairness of modern life, but the ultimate perseverance of hope and love: it’s all there in the best episode of Black Mirror’s third season. It made me cry out of sadness and happiness in equal measure. Could anything be more 2018 than that?

5.) Kesha at the Grammys Ok so maybe one thing was more 2018.

The Grammys, an organization led by Neil Portnow, a man who said this year that “women need to step up”, and an organization that didn’t offer its one female Album of the Year nominee a solo performance spot, also offered us 2018’s most powerful show of female solidarity and one of the most moving moments of the Me Too era. It all amounted to the perfect encapsulation of this year. Kesha scream crying and then collapsing into a sea of strong supportive women WAS 2018.

6.) Eighth Grade My favorite movie of the year was also the year’s best horror movie. It was so real, and visceral, and intense, and frightening that at times I literally had to remind myself to breathe. I watched at least half the movie through my fingers and on the edge of my seat. Proving what everyone who has lived through it already knows: there’s nothing in the world more terrifying than being in junior high.

7.) Big Mouth Speaking of junior high, the other side of the pain and trauma of growing up is humor, so why it took this long for someone to make a comedy series explicitly about puberty is beyond me. I guess, of course, making a show like this work is a fine needle to thread. It wouldn’t work without being animated and being on a streaming service that lets them go as far as they did. It wouldn’t work without writing that is both laugh out loud funny and deeply compassionate and human in equal measure. And it wouldn’t work without one of the best voice casts on TV, including a true tour de force from Maya Rudolph. But work does it ever. In a just world junior high health class homework would be simply watching this show.

8.) Emma Gonzalez speech Here’s how long 2018 was: this was from 2018.

Finishing off my personal 2018 Growing Up Trifecta is the most powerful 12 minutes of the year. That high school students could be more inspiring, articulate, and better leaders than the President of the United States is sadly, at this point, a given. But that they are now more effective and efficient than him at starting genuine political movements still feels revolutionary. The kids are our future, and our future has never looked brighter.

9.) Childish Gambino - “This is America” video 100 years from now if theres only one cultural artifact that still exists and is still remembered from 2018 this will be it. A “you know where you were the first time you saw it” level cultural event. No song will ever be more closely associated with its music video, and no music video will ever be more of an avatar for an entire cultural moment than this. THIS is, of course, a truly shocking and horrifying (in a good way) music video from the former fifth lead of the TV show Community. A profound and brilliant piece of art underscored by a fun-sounding dance song. The year’s most complex and important social-political message delivered in 4 minutes via YouTube. This is America indeed.

10.) Drake - “God’s Plan” video While Donald Glover may have perfected the music video as art form, it goes without saying that long ago Drake mastered the music video as promotional tool. And in that sense the music video for “God’s Plan” seems like minor failure. It seemed to sort of come and go from the culture, especially in light of the success of the In My Feelings Challenge. But for me, there was nothing more heartwarming and human this year than watching Drake give away almost a million dollars to strangers. It was an idea so simple it’s shocking no one had ever done it before. And so affecting I was shocked it didn’t seem to penetrate the public consciousness more. There’s so much going on at all times now it’s hard for anything to truly break through all the noise, but this really deserved to. It’s impossible to watch this without smiling, and is there anything 2018 needed more than that?

11.) Nanette The dumbest debate this year was whether or not Nanette was stand up. Form and genre aren’t delineators still worth discussing in 2018. It’s now only about the message and the messenger, everything else is just details. An important fresh voice, the most timely, and sadly, timeless message imaginable, delivered in a way that reached and deeply affected seemingly every person you knew? What is there to debate? Nanette may or may not be stand up comedy, but it’s definitely RISE UP comedy. And in the end, that’s all that matters.

12.) Amber Says What Please click on the link above. The final two minutes are by far the best comedy of 2018. It still makes me laugh so hard that it causes me physical pain. You’ve been warned.

13.) A Star is Born trailers A Star is Born is maybe a perfect film. The performances, the songs, the direction, the fact that there’s literally no human being on earth who could have played her part and made the movie work like it did other than Lady Gaga. It was all perfect. But there was actually something better than watching A Star is Born: anticipating watching a A Star is Born. Before the first A Star is Born trailer came out I thought the whole project sounded dumb and unnecessary. After I finished watching the first trailer I knew I was going to see A Star is Born opening night. True story: I was at a movie where the same A Star is Born trailer got played three times in a row for some reason. And it was riveting every time. There was no grumbling at all in the audience, and I for one was sad when it didn’t replay a fourth time. So as much as I loved A Star is Born what I would really love is be able to still want to see A Star is Born for the first time.

14.) Ariana Grande - “thank u, next” It’s genuinely impressive that a song released in November could be the song I listened to by far the most this year. Somehow it took less than two months for this song to feel completely ubiquitous. Hell, even the PHRASE “thank u, next” is omnipresent now. Forget Song of the Summer, this was maybe our first Song of the Winter. Which is perfect because has a hit pop song ever sounded more winter? It’s cold, but it keeps you warm. It’s the sadness of the holidays with the life reaffirming joy of the holiday season. It’s a sweater for you to wear on the dance floor. And it’s clearly exactly the song so many of us needed. No matter how many times I’ve heard it (and as I said, I’ve listened to it, uh, A LOT) its existence feels like a holiday miracle. Having a new and fresh take on the breakup song in the year 2018? That shit IS amazing.

15.) The proposal at the Emmys This is literally the only thing anyone remembers about this year’s Emmys. It was amazing, and special, and made anyone who watched it believe in true love. But for me it still cant touch the most heart-melting awards show moment of all time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCJrku4fSxk

(Was this whole entry just an excuse to link to one of my absolute favorite YouTube clips? Perhaps.)

16.) Succession When I saw the promos for Succession I literally made the sound UGH out loud. The last thing the world needs is another show about rich white people behaving badly, I thought. How could there possibly be anything original left to say on that topic? Who on earth is still greenlighting shows like this in The Year of our Lord 2018?

People much smarter than I am clearly, that’s who.

Because from writing, acting, production design, direction - whatever element you want to focus on - this was the best and most exciting new show of 2018 by a wide margin. People have been saying for years that TV is the new movies; this show made movies look like the old TV. It was the most vibrant and perfectly crafted big budget feature film of 2018, stretched out over 8 episodes on HBO. Did it have anything new and important to say about the world? Probably not. And turns out, I couldn’t have cared less. The phrase compulsively watchable might have been invented just to describe the world these actors and writers created. I would watch the team involved with this show dry paint. 

17.) Angels in America on Broadway Angels in America is the best play of the past 30 years and its not even close. So the fact that it would get a production that’s this good is just unfair for everyone else on this planet who makes theater. It was so good it made all other plays I’ve seen since seem small and cheap and unimportant. It was such a towering achievement that it has made the entire rest of theater as an art form seem insignificant by comparison. When you hear old people talk about seeing Brando in Streetcar or watching the original production of Death of Salesman I now can relate to what they are talking about. I’ll be thinking about Andrew Garfield’s final monologue for the rest of my life. It was unfair that we the audience had to all leave the theater when the lights finally came up and that we couldn’t all just live in that feeling forever. The eight hours I spent watching this play are what art is all about.

18.) Jesse Plemons in Game Night If dying is easy, and comedy is hard, then they should cancel the Oscars and give Jesse Plemmons Best Supporting Actor right now for his work in Game Night. And ok, maybe it wasn’t the BEST performance of 2018, but it was DEFINITELY the best performance relative to what it needed to be. It should have been a dumb throwaway part in a big-budget mainstream ensemble comedy. But Jesse Plemmons crafted a performance so strange and singular and memorable that it elevated the entire movie into something way better than I’m sure even its creators expected. I legitimately don’t know how everyone didn’t break in every one of his scenes. It’s a master class in the comedic power of silence. It should be studied in acting classes everywhere. And 20 years from now when Game Night is considered a comedy classic, Jesse Plemmons will be the main reason why. You heard it here first.

19.) The 1975 - A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships Saxophones? Electric guitar solos? Backing choirs? A concept album about being uncomfortable with the internet? Dumb pretentious song titles? This album couldn’t be any more in my wheelhouse if I made it myself. Its best song is basically a modern reimagining of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” for God’s sake!

For me this wasn’t just an album, it was an experience. It was big music to get lost inside of. And I did. At age 36 it’s nice to know that sometimes I can still feel 16. And it’s fitting that a band named The 1975 would be the ones to make music that’s so transporting.

20.) Emma Stone Ok so as someone who once argued in this very space that Emma Stone deserved an Oscar nomination for Easy A, it’s clear I’m pretty deep in the tank for Emma Stone. But even an Emma Stone hater would have to admit than this was a banner year for Emma Stone. Signing up for the insane acting challenge that was Maniac and completely acing it while totally exposing two-time Oscar nominee Jonah Hill in the process? Going toe to toe with Olivia Colman in the battle of the best acting performances of the year in The Favourite? Coming across as more charming than Jennifer freaking Lawrence ?!?

2018 was Emma Stone’s year, we were all just living in it.

[untilrecently]

I should really be in bed right about now.

Unfortunately, I know myself. It takes me a really long time to wind down after a bartending shift. I’m so used to being in constant motion and having to multi-task all night that to actually sit down and relax doesn’t feel right for awhile.

Not to mention when I get really tired or haven’t had enough sleep, I get a little overemotional. And when I get overemotional, I get impulsive. And when I get impulsive, there’s no reasoning with me from a logical standpoint. And that said, I’m now a “Humane Hero” donator for the Humane Society of the United States...as of like 30 seconds ago...

In my defense, I feel like there should be a few more barriers before they get to the money information screen. Like at least a short survey along the lines of:

“Have you had less than 5 hours of sleep? Have you worked a 14 hour day? Is there wine in your hand? Did you watch a sad video we posted? Are you sure you want to be a donor even though you’re a broke-ass bitch? Mmk, if you’re sure, money please!”

Whelp. I spend money on dumber shit every month. Go save those animals, Humane Society.  I’ll keep slinging drinks and crying at videos you post when I’m done.

Aaaaanyway. I got a couple extra shifts at the hotel bar this week which will greatly help when I have my mouth rearranged next week. It always seems to happen this way that my schedule really ramps up before a surgery. Almost as if subconsciously I want to be as tired and worn out as possible before I get knocked out...huh. (#bestsleepever)

That said, I appreciate the money...but not the idiocy that comes with serving people food and alcohol. Tonight was semi steady and mostly tolerable (thanks to a visit from a friend to make me feel sane!) This was until about the last hour we were open. Then all of a sudden everyone came out of the woodwork and decided they wanted to “turn up” on a fucking Wednesday. Like, I get it. It’s the night before Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, this day is fucking obnoxious. I only enjoy the discounts on champagne and the day after sales of chocolate. Otherwise, pretty sure this commercial holiday can suck my nuts.

At one point I had a lonely looking woman drinking red wine at the bar and asking my least favorite question while my coworker was making a fucking long island iced tea. “Ooh, what is THAT?!”

Mmm, get the fuck out of here with that. Unless you’re at a bar where they’re literally making flaming drinks or advertising the fact they make craft cocktails, shut the fuck up about what’s being made. Do you go to McDonald’s and ask the people on the assembly line, “Oooh, what’s THAT?!” Do you watch a janitor mopping the floors with soapy water and go, “OOH, WHAT’S THAT?!”

No! You let them do their fucking job and assume not every fucking part of it is something special that you need to fucking know about. Jesus. I get that in food service it’s slightly different because people always want to see a physical representation of an order. I get that. But fucking what does it matter if you’re not going to order it? Or if it’s just a fucking drink that you somehow don’t know because you’re an idiot? Then you’re basically just asking the monkey “what kind of dance it’s going to do next?”

Like, I DON’T KNOW. WHATEVER THE NICE PEOPLE FLIPPING THE COINS AT ME ASK ME TO DO.

Okay, that rant went a little off the rails. But I meant it! (Dancing monkey tired).

So yeah. People at the bar tonight were a little on the obnoxious side. At one point a very extra white woman waved her arms to get my attention and started ordering drinks. I let her know her server would take care of her order and she started to get abrasive as I tried to walk away. “Oh, NO! WAIT! NO! I mean, YOU can get this stuff for us!”

I wanted to say, “Why yes, yes I could. But I instantly hate you because I’ve been listening to your obnoxious fucking voice over all the other voices in the bar for the last hour. So eat my ass.”

I got bullied into serving a lawyer and his buddies three beers after I’d said the bar was closed. I was immediately chewed out by a guy at the beginning of the night, too because “Do we HAVE to watch the NEWS?! SO DEPRESSING! We don’t need those politics!” 

He then proceeded to start a political conversation with the other two men at the bar the second after I changed the channel for him. Adorbs.

Now, I get this complaint all the time. “Ugh, I can’t STAND watching the news.”

Every time I have to bite my tongue. “Ugh, I KNOW. Wanting to know what’s going on in the world around you, UGH. GROSS.”

Or the people that immediately plop down and request a channel change. I’ve said it in the past and I know my smart ass is going to say it again in the future. “You’re welcome to change the channel as much as you want in your room.”

Motherfuckerrrrrrs.

Some guy pulled that the other night and I snapped back, “Well, ALL the other people at the bar are watching the Grammy’s so if you’d like to explain it to them that YOU want to watch hockey…”

That shut him up right quick.

Anyway. I’m going to have to put my nice face on for just a few more nights to get through the rest of this week. The Valentine’s prix fixe dinner is tomorrow night and I’m hopefully not going to have to witness any of it. Our hotel is weird in the way it gets a lot of business but it seems some of the promotional events go south. Last I heard, there were only 15 reservations for the entire night...not great. Not great.

As far as the office job, I had a crazy vivid dream last weekend that I up and quit in a dramatic fashion. While still in the dream, I realized with crushing intensity that I don’t want to be without a job again. Being unemployed sucks and it’s terrifying. I actually woke up scared and have been a much more agreeable employee this week….cuz I like money

Not to mention I went through all this work (and forgery) to apply for this job today and even went in early to use the office amenities to be able to submit it.

I got a rejection within a couple hours. Apparently I didn’t have the right kind of experience and didn’t read the fine print under “office bitch” duties.

Whelp.

Time to keep smiling, be nice, work hard, and bring in baked goods so no one realizes you’re dead inside.

I’m sure I’ll have more glorious stories about a-holes at the bar next week while my mouth is recuperating and I am on a steady diet of soft foods and ice cream. (Read: booze and cold stuff).

Talk next week!

[jiminnie-pink]

I feel like this is a long overdue piece and I actually don’t care if nobody reads this but I wanna talk about my bts concert.

Leading up this concert I was STRESSED but the day of the concert came and everything seemed to fall into place perfectly.

My friends and I got there and it was my first time visiting the o2 arena and bloody hell it was HUGE. We had seating in the amazon lounge so we knew we didn’t have to rush or anything like that. We queued for maybe an hour and sat down to Dope playing on the big screen.

We immediately started singing and got so ridiculously hyped at being able to watch all the mv’s. They went through practically all the mv’s twice in the two hours or so we were waiting before the concert started. I was SOOOO hyped and happy when No More Dream came on, it was like a dream come true being able to hear that song in an arena and everyone else singing along. Mic Drop was amazing. Bare in mind this is all just the music videos at this point. We listened to them for hours and we were happy just doing that to be honest.

I made the final decision of buying an army bomb, just the same as my two other friends did and BOI was I so thankful I did because I truly felt together with everyone when we were bopping along.

Then the dreaded announcement came, we had just seen the tweet from bighit regarding Kook, then the announcement came and it was horrible. It was horrible knowing we wouldn’t see our precious Jungkook dancing along with everyone but lemme tell you now he still did A M A Z I N G.

The concert started and it began. The happiest night of my life began.

I won’t go through each song because every single one of them blew me away. Every single one of them was far, far better live than I ever would have imagined.

I’ll talk about each member instead, I feel like that will be better.

First of all, Kim Seokjin. Kim Seok-bloody-Jin is INCREDIBLE. Epiphany really blew the house down, his high notes were amazing and the atmosphere he brought to the show was just that good. His part during So What, his usual army bomb bopping was HILARIOUS and he honestly is just so funny. He is lovely to look at too, he really is.

Moving on to, the man of the hour, the seesaw magic man Min Yoongi. Seesaw was lit guys, absolutely lit. Hearing Yoongi’s raps in real life were practically orgasmic. His little antics were amazing and his gummy smile is just beautiful. He’s so goofy and cute but so hot when he raps. He talked so highly of London and of our crowd which made us all so happy. I love him so much. So so much.

Now listen here lads, I have something to say about Kim Namjoon and that is he really deserves the whole world. He really is THAT man. He is nothing compared to any man I’ve ever known, is SO inspirational and curteous. He’s so polite, he radiates light and love. He helped me so much, just in those two hours seeing his beautiful GLOW I was a changed woman. Trivia: Love was mental, I fell so much more in love with that song after seeing him performing it because he looked so at home.

Jung Hoseok has changed me. CHANGED ME. His solo performance was insane. He was so beautiful. He was so bright and glowing. He was so happy and it was endearing to be a part of. He really is THAT man though, he is by far so much more attractive in person and I feel like photos don’t do him justice. His English has improved so much and it was very obvious that he was really trying by speaking completely in English for us. It was wonderful. He was wonderful.

Kim Taehyung is sinful, do you hear me? SINFUL. His duality is intense. One minute he’s a cutie hunny bunny showing his boxy smile and even giving a little bit of banter to the crowd, the next he was performing singularity and fake love and it was genuinely like some classy porno. He is so damn beautiful. His face is honestly a masterpiece and he shocked me with his melanin, he shocked me with his English too. He was practically fluent.

Jungkook made me cry. That boy deserves the whole world. It was so sad that he wasn’t able to perform with his hyungs but I was so thankful to be able to see the boys still interact with him. They didn’t leave him alone. Euphoria was beautiful, that song was like heaven to the ears anyway but has now become so much sadder after our concert yet was still unbeliebable. He cried and our hearts broke, the fact he admitted he prepared something in English for us but wanted to speak from his heart in Korean was astounding.

Lastly, Jimin. Park Jimin. My literal angel, love of my life, apple of my eye. That man will never compare to any other man for me. That’s it, he is it. He is that beautiful. He is unbelievably good looking, he’s so devilishly handsome but SO cute and babyish at the same time. He actually took my breath away. I wasn’t ready for him, I really wasn’t. Serendipity live is an experience in itself and his little shy smile at the end made my heart burst. I just couldn’t control myself when it came to him. I cried, I screamed, I smiled, I laughed and my heart burst with love and pride. His love for Jungkook also made me even happier, the way he was trying to cheer him up and not leaving his side when he began to cry was so heartwarming.

I honestly just don’t have words for it. The concert really changed me as a person and nothing will ever compare to that, they promised they’d be back next year and I will most definitely hold them to that.

My post concert depression was high af on the Wednesday, I didn’t want to do anything except lie down, cry and rewatch all the videos I had taken. I genuinely can’t listen to their music now (of course I can and do) but it’s in the sense that bts have ruined bts for me now lmao, the songs don’t compare to the live version now. The atmosphere was something I’d never felt before and I had been to some BIG concerts before that.

I love them so much. I honestly will never love a group like them and I have never loved a group like them before. (Yeah all the ‘bts stans are washed up 1D stans’ can suck my dick because yeah I did love 1D but it was nothing like how I love bts).

[END.]

[justwritingscibbles]

Release the Puppos!

Ok, first of all, fuck this illness!  Secondly, I felt bad for not posting the past few days because this Tumblr is sorta part of a schedule I put up for myself and I want to keep too it!!! 

Anyway, while I was wasting away in bed I thought up a few fics I wanted to write.  Please forgive me if my writing is a little wonky; I have literally gulped half a bottle of cough medicine. So I’m a little sleepy and drowsy. Probably not a good idea but I couldn’t find a measuring cup or anything.

This one is just a little Markiplier fic where you’re a subscriber of Mark’s channel and you go to the meet-up with some hairy companions.  Enjoy! 

(Y/D/N)- Young dogs name. (O/D/N)- Older dog’s name. (Y/T/N)- Your Twitter nickname/ or social media nickname

You have always wanted to go to a meet-up. Not only to see Mark but also to meet some of the other subs.  You were always commenting on Mark’s tweets and sometimes even posting some fan-art. People started following you and you started chatting.  You wouldn’t say you were popular or well-known in Mark’s community, but you had a fair number of people following you on most social medias because of him. Every so often he’d retweet one of your artworks and you contributed to his charity live-streams too. Once, he had called out your name excitedly and yelled,  ”That’s the person that draws awesome me pictures!”

Mark had tweeted another location for a meet-up. A park not far from your home.  But as always, you were stuck and unable to go. Usually it was work, school, even family had become an obstacle. But today, it was two large dogs who were currently snoozing on the lounge-room floor.  You sighed and wrote your reply on Mark’s twitter;

“I’m dog-sitting and can’t leave them alone! Can I bring the puppos?” 

You knew you wouldn’t get a reply from the Youtuber himself, but you added a photo of the dogs anyway.  The largest dog, (Y/D/N), a big brown shaggy hound with golden eyes, lifted his head just as you took the photo. The result was adorable. His floppy ears were propped up and his head tilted slightly.  The slightly smaller dog, (O/D/N), an elderly Labrador, continued to snooze, completely ignoring your calls to lift his head. You posted the tweet and continued to scroll through your phone.  It wasn’t long before your notifications started beeping. You checked your Twitter, finding people were reposting your tweet and replying to the photo. 

“Awww! So cute! You have to bring them!” 

“This is unacceptable! You can’t miss out on another meet-up!” 

“I want those dogs!”

You smiled at each Tweet and tried replying. More and more re-tweets and replies came and you got fed up with notifications, so you turned them off.  You ignored Twitter for some time, already jealous with the fans who were going. You’ll probably see what was happening in a video on Mark’s channel in the next few days. You checked your Twitter one last time; amazed at the number of retweets you had received in the short space of time.

“Keep retweeting so Mark can see this!” 

“I’ll show him when I get there!” 

“Everyone show Mark and make him see the puppies!” 

You laughed at each one and went through the list liking them.  Then, your phone vibrated with a DM from Twitter and you almost let out a squeal when you read the message. 

“YOU BETTER BRING THOSE PUPPOS OR I’M GOING TO KIDNAP THEM!”  Tweeted from Markiplier. 

You spent almost no time leaping from your couch, grinning like a lunatic as you ran about the house finding your shoes and actually getting out of your PJs for once. Upon grabbing the dog-leashes (Y/D/N) bounded over to you, barking excitedly. You looped the clip around his collar and did the same to (O/D/N).  You were practically dragged out of the house by (Y/D/N) with (O/D/N) trotting behind you.  The park was a few blocks away and the closer you got, the more nervous you were becoming.  What if someone there was allergic to dogs? Or someone was scared of dogs? Maybe this was a bad idea, I mean (Y/D/N) could accidentally knock someone over or (O/D/N) could get agitated with someone and growl at them.  But it was already too late. By the time you had the thought to turn around and retreat home, you were on the outskirts of the park and the mass of people had spotted you.  “Oh my God, it’s the puppies!” You heard someone cry. Your nerves escalated as the crowd turned to you and started shouting excitedly.  But you couldn’t help but smile as you started towards them. (Y/D/N) started tugging against his leash, his tail wagging madly.  “Release the puppos!” You heard a familiar voice bellow. You shrugged and trapped (Y/D/N) between your legs as you unclipped him from his collar.  “Brace yourselves!” You called as (Y/D/N) galloped towards the hoards of screaming people.  He crashed into the many legs, almost drowning under reaching fingers and gentle pets.  A few people approached you, politely greeting you and asking if they could pat (O/D/N). You nodded and they crouched beside the older dog, who lazily wagged their tail and panted happily.  “So, your (Y/T/N)!” Mark said with a wide smile.  “Hi! I couldn’t bear losing my dogs to a kidnapper, so I had to bring them.”  The man laughed and crouched down beside (O/D/N) to give them a gentle scratch behind the ear.  “A lot of people here didn’t want you missing out.” He continued to speak to you from the ground. “I’ve always wanted to meet you as well. Your art is amazing.”  You blushed and chuckled, “Well, my muse is pretty inspirational.”  Mark flashed you a brilliant smile and stood, gesturing to the crowd.  “Well, come meet everyone. We were about to start the video.” 

You followed Mark into the middle of the park, where (Y/D/N) was running around, almost overwhelmed with excitement. A few people were chasing after him, seeming to play tag with the dog.  Then (Y/D/N) found, what you guessed was Mark’s bag, and removed a football from it.  “Hey!” Mark yelled, starting towards the pup. “That’s mine!”  (Y/D/N) started running. His ears flapped like wings as he bounded away from the man. Everyone started laughing as Mark gave chase. He tried leaping onto the dog, even tried herding him towards the crowd, but (Y/D/N) seemed to dodge every hand as they made a grab for the ball.  You laughed along with everyone else. Enjoying the comical show that was unfolding in front of you. Finally, you thought it had gone on for long enough and you whistled loudly. The hound skidded to a stop, his golden eyes fixed on you with a quizzical stare.  “Give it here,” You ordered, keeping your voice friendly.  (Y/D/N) trotted over to you, his ears slanted backwards and his eyes mischievous. He slowed as he neared you, lifting his head up slightly to place the ball in your hand. “Don’t you dare,” You warned, but before your fingers could find purchase, (Y/D/N) had jumped back and started running.  But he ran straight into Mark’s legs and the man caught hold of the dog’s collar and plucked the toy from his jaws.  Cheers flooded the park as Mark lifted the ball up like a trophy. Grinning wildly.  “Markimoo- 1, doggo- 0″ Mark smirked and booped (Y/D/N) on his wet nose. He looked rather disappointed, but wagged his tail none-the-less. 

As Mark set up the cameras and arranged the crowd as he needed, you had found a nice spot under a tree to watch.  Others had joined you, too nervous or anxious to join in the activities. But the small group around you were happy stroking your dogs fur and laughing at what Mark was making the others do.  You weren’t sure what was happening. It had started off as a game of tag, then evolved into stick-in-the-mud, then the ball came in as the crowd formed a circle. Mark was in the centre kicking the ball as high into the air as he could for someone to catch.  Those who caught it, had to make up a ridiculous dance routine and make animal noises to go with it. At one point, Mark had kicked the ball but it struck the toes of his shoes and the object flew in a unexpected arc. It had almost hit you as it came tumbling through the canopy of the tree. You saved yourself by slapping it away, but managed to accidentally hit (O/D/N).  “Oh no! I’m so sorry!” You cooed, cradling the dog’s head as if you had seriously injured it. Mark over-exaggerated the situation by running over and dramatically throwing himself in front of the dog, begging their forgiveness and apologizing profusely.  (O/D/N) looked very confused, and responded by gently tapping Mark’s bowed head, as if to say  “You are forgiven, loud-one” Mark laughed and returned to the circle. 

The whole situation was cringey and amazing all at the same time.  Finally, when the time of the meet-up was nearing its end, Mark ushered your group up and into the middle of the park.  “Right, now it’s your turn!” He told you and you quickly panicked as he kicked the ball into the air. You instinctively watched it soar skywards and you angled yourself so when it plummeted back to earth, you caught it in your hands, cradling it on your chest.  People cheered and Mark grinned broadly, “You have to make up a dance sequence now!” Groaning, you dropped the ball and started krumping. It was sloppy, and your cheeks glowed red from embarrassment, but people were laughing and cheering you on.  When was the last time you even danced? A loooong time, a voice at the back of your head replied. “You have to make an animal noise!” Someone in the back reminded you.  You rolled your eyes and turned to (Y/D/N), “Howl!”  Weeks of training paid off as (Y/D/N) lifted back his head and started to howl. A long deep sound that you started dancing too. A few others followed your lead, and soon you had a large group of people boogie around (Y/D/N).  Like some weird ritual, everyone started making strange howling noises and you couldn’t help but laugh. It was all so ridiculous!  Finally, Mark hushed everyone and told them that it was time to back up.  You said your goodbyes and clipped your dogs back on their leashes.  Before you started walking home, someone gently touched your shoulder and you turned to face Mark.  “It was really nice to meet you, (Y/T/N)” He said with a small smile. “I hope you come to the next meet-up.”  “Of course!” You beamed, “And my name is (Y/N) by the way.”  “It was a pleasure meeting you, (Y/N). We’ll have to meet up another time.” He winked at you and shouldered his bag, heading towards his car.  You couldn’t help but smile and you quickly turned away so no one could see you blushing.

I’m gonna go to bed now! Hope you enjoyed!

[robomin]

reasons why i love lee seokmin an essay, by me gayle the date is the 17th of february, 2017 time now is 10:51 pm, kst i love lee seokmin he's so precious and amazing and pure and too good for this world??? honestly i am someone who sees flaws in everything, everything including myself and everyone including strangers i've not yet seen. but in him, i'm not sure if it's plain infatuation or dumbness but he's so radiant and bright i don't see what it is that's wrong with him?? at all? and to err is human nature. but this boy this boy defies all logic he is !!!!!!! he is the literal sun like i'm not even joking this isn't even a hyperbole he's so warm and heart stoppingly pure and strong and sweet it's ??? and honestly, mere pictures of him through my cracked phone screen make me grin and smile so much it's unreal i swear i'm so :-( all the time but LEE SEOKMIN MAKES ME SMILE!! i love how he doesn't care for losing weight or improving his image or anything except his family (incl his 17 hehe), his fans and how he can improve his singing and dancing! and honestly if that doesn't ???! :000000 you we cannot be friends i'm joking and LEGIT i'm being serious whenever i'm dead tired and exhausted from work and school i find myself thinking bout seokmin?? and BOOm instant mood booster DONT GET ME STARTED ON HIS PHYSICAL APPEARANCE like sure his thighs are Thicc™ and his jawline is Wowza™ BUT THEY ARE NOT THE POINT i swear to God i am so ?? questionably attracted to the moles on his face???? and his DIMPLES i'm!! and need i mention his body? like bro! he does not need to lose weight, gain weight or get fit!! his body is so normal and achievable and NORMAL like a HUMAN not an IDOL that it makes me adore him more also this kid. whenever this kid cries i lose it??? whenever he feels like he's not good enough i get so sad because! he IS!!!!!!! he's so talented and amazingly wonderful and so so so so humble that i cannot help but find myself hurting whenever he feels sad or is just down about anything :-( and i don't know if you noticed but he's one of the few members who ALWAYS BOWS to EVERYONE and he's super super respectful and polite and he BOWS ALL THE TIME even when he's evidently tired and not in a great mood? he has such good manners it drives me insane and long days get so much better whenever i watch him sing or watch videos of him!! there's this one video i absolutely love, and it's the one where he sings little prince by ryeowook and i was so fucking SHOOK when i heard it for the first time because how can anyone channel that much emotion and feeling and slight pain into a song?? and i honestly don't know how many of y'all notice his passion and his voice cracks and how he's a LITERAL perfectionist. he does this finger thing when he sings and changes words, and his pinky goes up and down on the mic and that is so endearing i and i'm so in love with that video too because he was so nervous to sing it in front of ryeowook, a literal vocal legend, and he was so evidently disappointed in himself when he couldn't hit that ONE note and his voice cracked, he shook his head and i get so sad BECAUSE HE STILL DOESNT THINK HE'S GOOD ENOUGH??? like bab no :-( and he was so nervously smiley he was clutching his chest as he sat down and honestly :-(((( honestly i can't believe he's 20 now! it's only been like. 2 years ish? since he's been an official idol but his singing is so mature and developed and so GOOD and wholesome and so distinctively LEE SEOKMIN that i cannot help but be so unbearably proud of this doof?? i can't even believe people don't love him as much as i do and! he's so, BLUR like he does so many so many funny things and he's so good at so many things ?? he's so underrated i really can't deal. and he's an idol but he loves his hoobaes music so much he thought his hoobae was a sunbae CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS KID no i can't,, he really has so much humility and he's so willing to put himself second and others first? HES ALSO SUPER CARING like he's almost in everyone's solo vlives and he cares so much about all his members and all his fans it's the best he does the cutest, most extra things ever but they're so endearing to me i !! really love him a lot and in all honesty, i am willing to be tired for his sake, and suck in all his negativity and suffer for him instead OK SOUNDS CREEPY but ?? he does not deserve to go through any shit whatsoever, and i am willing to be tired, exhausted and :-( for him. i never want to see him cry or feel unworthy of anyone or anything ever again I WILL TARGET YOU IF YOU HURT HIM IM SERIOUS and he knows he isn't the most popular member, he knows all that but it doesn't stop him from caring so much about his fansites and doing his best all the time, when a bunch of his fansite closed down or went on hiatuses i was so upset because they were taking away the little solo attention min received and i was upset and i think he was too :-( and i would say more but to sum it all up he's just so... extraordinary but yet so normal at the same time it's baffling and so so endearing it's now 11:19 pm kst still 17th of february and i still love lee seokmin happy birthday seokmin gayle

[pharaohkiller]

Eurovision 2017 - i know i'm late to the party

Israel: They took the “Breaking me to pieces” line literally when preparing a background, love it. He’s so charming and radiates an energy that suits the stage. But, not a fan of the song, as there are a lot of songs that go along the beat of the song. Sorry hon, 4/12

Poland: She reminds me of Ellie Goulding, and the piano in the background sounds very similar to Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack and another film that I cannot remember at the moment. She has a pleasant voice which she hit amazing high notes. Still can’t get over the fact that it sounds like it was ripped off of many movie soundtracks. Sorry love, 5/10 (one extra point for having dogs in the trailer-y thingy, dogs are always an extra point.)

Belarus: They. Are. So. Cute. The guitar that is covered with lace has me dead, I have war flashbacks to my grandmother’s house where every surface has these stuff. These two have amazing energy that reflects on the audience and now I just want to kick some ass with my significant other with this song in the background for some reason? Like it’s not a song for kicking ass and I don’t have a significant other but that is so not the point lol. This song is just pure, I love it and you can bet your ass I so am downloading it. (The kiss at the end thoughh, I ship it.) 7/12

Austria: He is soo charming and those sneakers are dope af, is he roleplaying as Hermes ‘cause I can see myself casting him in my PJO fanfics if I ever get around writing one lol. Oh and, the kid from the Dreamworks logo is all grown up now, feel old yet? The clouds in the back are so aesthetically pleasing. The song itself is a whole another thing. The “I’ll swim like a champion” line seems off, as if they couldn’t find a better fitting synonym or word in its place, overall the song is repeating itself a lot. His cute face that is smiling throughout the song is definitely a plus, and he does have a pleasant voice, but a girl’s gotta get her Judge Judy on. My verdict on the song, therefore, iiiis *drum roll* 4/12

Armenia: I love it. For some reason, I truly am enjoying this performance. The only thing that is bothering me is the constant camera cuts like dudes why?? The lyrics are kinda meh but the dancers were good too. But, will I download it? Nope, sorry queen. 5.5/12

The Netherlands: The harmonizing, the outfits are all fan-freaking-tastic. Literal queens. The song though, is not my piece of cake and the lyrics are not eritten by a genius as it seems like the writer(s) was given the prompt ‘cry no more, turn the page and start again’ and literally revolves around the line, and I quote “Never cry no more”. Sorry babes, 2.5/12

Moldova: I’m a sucker for saxophones. They have a plus one, it’s for the saxophone. Did I mention I love saxophones? Especially in Eurovision songs (tbt the Epic Sax Guy). I love everything about this performance, the background, the dancing, the flower microphones, the sax solo, the dress transformation, the violin - this is my jam for the rest of my life. Play it at my funeral and I’ll rise from the dead to do the leg thing. I don’t even care about the repetition of lyrics or anything. The hype is real y'all, the hype is real. 9/12

Hungary: Let me address the hair and the outfit and then I’ll go on. HE HAS A MAN BUN. HIS OUTFIT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS OUT OF WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE ALBUM AND MV, he is a small bean and needs to be protected. I don’t understand the lyrics but that minor detail doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy this masterpiece. This 👏is👏a👏master👏piece👏 . The violin, the dancer, the RAP PART (that is 100% better than anything Jake Paul ‘rapped’), the instrument that I don’t recognise, the choreography, his voice.. literally everything. 11/12

Italy: Before the performance, the fucking opening credits. It’s a fucking masterpiece. Has anyone talked about it yet? If y'all didn’t I’m judging you. And that suit, the rainbow side thingy. The rainBOW like, damn I love it. FUCKING HARAMBE. AND THE WIGGLES, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, the whole song is a meme. Again, language is a problem pour moi, however, I really like it. We really should talk about the fucking Harambe and Wiggles thing. I just can’t. The “Omm” ending thiough, thanks a lot dude. Much meme, such voice. 8/12

Denmark: Okay first of all, the queenest queen of them all in this year’s Eurovision. The dress, the voice, her vocal range, those high notes, the song, that adorable face. I can’t really relate to the song in a romantic way but hell yeah I’m going to play around with the meaning so that I can relate and give the queen her rating. I have it on my phone as I’m typing this. I love this, I love her. 11/12 - biased (kind of) - / unbiased; 9.5/12

Portugal: Let me address this, he looks really uncomfortable and anxious to be in such a position where he is the centre of attention. I saw a lot of hate directed towards him with people saying that he looks like a rat, has no stage appeal and that kind of stuff. From where I’m looking, he looks like the kind of introvert who prefers to stay within their comfort zone but are passionate about arts that require a lot of human interaction as well as clashing with their own personal limits. Here, it’s singing. You can physically see on his face how relaxed he becomes as the first notes to the song his sister wrote are released into the crowded stadium, he gets relaxed as the time goes on. Compared to his state before getting up to the stage where he was stiff and looked like he wanted to crawl up to a corner and hide, he looks so in peace as he releases his soothing voice into the dark night. I kinda refuse to look at the translation of the words as I fear the magic will dissappear but that is on me. It sounds like it belongs to a rom-com with Ryan Gosling as the lead male or a Disney movie, and, as I said the same for Denmark, I have the song on my phone and it is such a delight to listen to. I am unable to describe how this song affects me, my words come out in lame sentences, not magnificent enough to match the magnificence of the song. And, apart from saxaphones, I’m a sucker for greenery in general so the background pleases my eyes. Moreover, those assholes on Youtube complaining on how he shouldn’t have won the competition and it’s all for political reasons, shut your whiny asses that listen to lyrically poor songs in the trend list on Spotify, and drop your popular wannabe persona and just listen to this masterpiece. A genuine 12/12 from the deepest corners of my heart.

Azerbaijan: That fucking horse thing, fuck that mask. (My Starkid fangirl can’t help this so bear with me) “Oh I feel ready, at my skeletons. Have my lungs, my millions” has me imagining Umbridge singing this song in the Forbidden Forest before the, how do I phrase this, ‘thing’ with Firenze and the overall centaurs, and boy do I want to close the tab and question my imagination right now. Anyways, those ‘bad boy’s are going to be the end of me, all I can think of is the stupid Wattpad stories. Overall the song has an interesting vibe to it, to say the least. However, not my jam for this summer gals, pals and non-binary friends. 5/10

Croatia: My man, my friend. He is a cute cinnamon roll that needs to be protected. The going up the stairs bit in the opening credits is me. This whole performance is a huge meme itself, what is it with Eurovision and memes this year, I feel like the only missing thing from this whole event is ‘cash me ousside’ and Pepe the Frog. Bet someone cracked open a cold one with the boys in the back lol. Anyways back to this precious human being, his voice has me shook. His vocal range is amazing, reminds me of Brendon Urie somewhy. The way he says miracle makes me think of a certain Ryan Higa video and I just need a moment. Also, “There are only two ways to live your life” makes me think of Britney Spears, I think I’m the living meme machine at this point. Imagine you otp performing this, I’m wheezing. The background is ground breaking. I really cannot function properly at this point, it’s 3:18 a.m. and watching this masterpiece. Can we talk about that iconic ‘Yes!’? 8/12

Australia: First of all, the jokes were made last year but I have to do it again, why the fuck is Australia performing in Eurovision? Next up we will have BTS performing for Southern Korea and Baby Metal from wherever they’re from. In the end I feel like this whole event will turn into a party where America is the only one invited. He looks like the model everyone obsesses over in Pinterest. Can we have a minute to obsess over his voice please? It’s like honey, or fine wine. The background is meme worthy, but good lol. 7/12 and would definitely listen to it again sometime.

Greece: She reminds me of Alexandra Daddario mixed with a Greek Goddess. She’s probably the only person that can pull that dress off. The song feels like David Guetta, Calvin Harris or Martin Garrix had a chance to play with it before it was distributed to public. 6/10

Spain: A group made up of boys that are nice to look at, who wouldn’t give them 12/12 right? That evil heartless witch is me. The fact that the boys are cute does not erase the huge high note failure. I cannot get over it, I can’t look past it. Everytime I look at the boy, I can’t help myself and I get into hysterical laughter. It’s a precious moment, and I will laugh at it ‘till the day I die. Sorry boys, 3/12 for the overall song, infinity out of 12 for that failure.

Norway: What the fuck is that mask. What is the thing with weird shit and Eurovision. And please someone explain me what the fuck are those effects and jump cuts. His voice is lovely, and I like the song. Will probably download the song whenever I remember lol. That microphone stand gives me lifee along with the purple aesthetic. 7/12

United Kingdom: Can we take a moment to appreciate her. She is so pure with her voice and her looks. I also must point out that one of the three lyricists (is that a word? i dont know) is *the* Emmelie de Forest. Another fucking queen of Eurovision for those who are unaware. By the way, “I will never give up on you.” is such a line, my gal, let me introduce you to Brexit, oh and, “Together we’ll dance through this storm.” I bet that storm is Theresa May lol. Nice song, nice facial expressions, nice background effects - simple but effective. 8/12

Cyprus: [minus the trnc but whatevs] The song starts and all I can think of is Rag'n'Bone Man’s Human mixed with a pinch of Blues Saraceno’s River. It’s bugging me a lot ‘cause I feel like there’s another song I can’t name. The high note was good but overall it’s a meh from me. I will not give any rating to it, I hate when Eurovision contestants rip off actual songs.

Romania: One word, memetastic. I love this and everything it offers to the audience. It also reminds me of Barclay from Stereo Kicks. Man, the yodels get me everytime, I love this clash of cultures as well as that weird kiss in the end lmao. 6/12

Germany: Right off the bat, Titanium by David Guetta and Sia. The singer is cute and has a nice voice but just like I did to Cyprus, I’m not going to rate it.

Ukraine: Again, Eurovision with weird shit. What is that hat, someone explain it to me. I fucking love the song though, it’s my piece of cake. Can we talk about the band please? They need love and are underrated in my opinion.

Belgium: I can’t name the song, but this is another rip-off. Shame really, her voice is lovely as well as herself.

Sweden: Just meme it, you know you want to. He reminds me of Felix (Pewdiepie if you wereliving under a rock for a while) for some reason? The song feels as if it was written for Robin Thicke originally. The dancers are the ones that are frickin’ beautiful. We are blessed with their presence. 4/12

Bulgaria: If I’m not remembering wrong he is one year older than me; he is performing in Eurovision as a finalist and I’m writing about him at 4:32 in the morning like can I have my break-out as an actress yet? No? Okay. Anyways, let me make this clear, I’m a teenage girl and he is attractive, plus has a mind-blowing voice, thus, I may have created a bias of some sort. Do I look like a heartless bitch that will deduct points from this amazing human being just 'cause I can’t relate to the lyrics? Not when this otherworldly person is the source of conflict at hand. I can’t wait for him to drop an album, I need more of his voice. Two songs aren’t enough, I want more, I need more. That little “Thank you.” at the end, I’m indeed fangirling. 12/12

France: I’m not as good as I was two years ago regarding the French language and it makes me sad. She is adorable and her voice is also very nice to listen to.