#so i needed to dump like The Full Feelings somewhere. yknow??

[lagiacrus]

god i have to get this out somewhere or i'll blow up

musing on the f/f media in fandom drama/yaoi discourse/etc (it is not a particularly Negative post i am just thinking aloud)

i guess in my eyes. i think both sides have very valid points if you extend nuance to them.

like. one of the big argument points i see is

a) if you want more yuri content in fandom, make it yourself!!

i don't disagree with this! like if you need to eat you gotta make your food. but also... i completely understand when people express frustration at the amount (overwhelming) of yaoi content over yuri content (or even het content, which is what gives me the 'hmm!' reaction, will explain further)

like... i dunno! it is really a fuckin' bummer when a media with at least 50% female cast is just kind of turned into a Yaoi Pool, i think that there is a lot of stuff to discuss there in that a lot of people gravitate towards male characters more than female characters. i have experienced this! many people i know have! and that just makes me think like...

is the onus of this to be blamed on the people or the writers for being unable to create female characters that aren't completely pigeonholed into tired tropes and stereotypes?

i think the writer thing is probably the idea i agree with the most. but i do think there is also still like... an internalized disdain for women in general, and we see it even outside of this discourse, we see it in blaming women for being 'gross fujos' etc and only talking about yaoi etc. but that's a cycle isn't it? like. you can't win. if you like yaoi you're labeled a 'gross fujo' without any level of investigation on if said fujo is a queer person, without any concept of the nuance that comes with that shit. but it's also like... damn!! why only men huh!?

i have been a #yaoihead for decades so like... i have Seen this, for years and years, i'm not just some yurihead on the outside looking in or whatever, it is really apparent how much people just do Not like female characters, and it's so like... idk.

so much of it really is like, so much media out there has the weakest fucking girls on the planet in terms of writing, and it's depressing as fuck!!!! it's why i'm hesitant to ever 'blame' content consumers because like. idk. i agree, i hate certain tropes for female characters and unfortunately those tropes are the ones that tend to Sell Copies, so i end up gravitating to the more filled out male characters.

but when i see a media with like really well written girls and such and it's still super overwhelmingly Male Oriented in fandom, it's like... man. it's a bummer, and like. back to 'even het ships are on the wayside', one could easily argue it's because everyone is exhausted with het (rightfully so) being the prevalent media in society. but i also just... idk. I Do Think The Women Aspect May Also Be Part Of It! idk. i'm an agender lesbian, i am the last person to go to bat for het ships, but so much of it stinks of 'kill sakura off for naruto/sasuke to be real' but with new, social justice wording that makes it sound like 'good person' discourse.

i dunno! i dont. my view is just like... i love yaoi and yuri. all is good. but it is very much a bummer looking thru someones catalogue for a game with over 70% female characters and seeing only men and the only characters they only acknowledge are men... not even as a 'there's no content of women!' but in a 'what is so disdainful about women that they cant even get an acknowledgement' way, i guess. i dunno.

at the same time tho do not get me started on the overwhelming new presence of gold star lesbian people in yuri fandoms lol. 'if you like a yaoi ship or ship this CANONLY (IN MY HEAD) LESBIAN WITH A MAN you are an EVIL LESBIPHOBE (EVEN IF YOU'RE A LESBIAN) and should KILL YOURSELF' like yeah okay i guess so lol

i'm not trying to start fights or anything i just really think this whole situation calls for more words than 260 characters on twitter allows and unfortunately it creates so much fighting and aggression when it comes up because no one wants to sit down and actually think about what causes these things to happen. iunno. whatever!

[maxemilianverstappen]

Remember a few weeks (weeks? Months? I have no clue anymore lol) back there were rumors that Max might have been considering moving to ferrari and everyone just laughed it off? 'Oh no way he'd ever leave his redbull family he loves them they love him he's so loyal he'll stay there till he retires'. After yesterday i don't think it's too far fetched? Especially of the Monaco rumors are true, and they as a team are choosing to cover the other guy and leave him to face the heat of it all - knowing full well that he already gets never ending hate and criticism as it is and this just adds more fuel to the whole thing. I know he said he doesn't care about what people say but he's still human yknow? At one point he'll reach his breaking point

I remember those rumours, yeah.

Tbh, even if I was a Max hater, I would say that any team would KILL to have Max atm. That's why Totoş is still sucking up to him whenever he can stop thinking about Abu Dhabi 21 even though several times Max burned the bridges by saying he is not interested.

If he'd ever leave Redbull, his best bet would be Mercedes, Lewis' seat. Not, Ferrari.

Darling, they are so incompetent and I am sure Max is not blind. He also doesn't have the Rosso Corsa fetish that Chal and Seb have.

But you are forgetting something here. Max is like Kimi. He can and will simply say "Fuck you." to all if he is left with no good options like Kimi didn't in 2009 when he was only 30. He would just leave and find meaning in something else. Race somewhere else. He never raced for fame, never did it for the spot lights, but solely for the enjoyment and the thrill of it. So, if push comes to the shove, it would be the sports' loss, not his, because guys like him do not give a fuck about how others perceive them as, their own self perception and satisfaction is the important thing.

As I said before, Redbull literally threw Max under the bus by voicing that request in the race as if they wanted to deflect the day before's criticism about how/why they didn't ask for a switch in the sprint.

They dumped the whole responsibility and the hate fest onto Max's shoulders even tho the guy had told them before the race that he wouldn't do it.

They also caused the Spain drama needlessly when it was clear that Max was going to overtake Checo in 1-2 laps at most (I know tyre deg is a problem but seriously, I don't think it was to the point that Max couldn't be able to handle it) and also in Baku where Checo's tyre deg was greater and again Max was faster and would overtake in a few laps at most which even Checo admitted to.

There was no need to use the radio for these. There was no need to tell Max let Checo pass if he starts P4 and can't keep up and his team mate passes him coming from the back. I know tyres didn't work for Redbull yesterday, but this is not a case of 1 race. Many races passed and the points deficit could have been greater if this and that happened, hello.... The talent is where you never get to the point of having to ask for team orders when you are going against a team mate like Max.

So, if Max feels he is not treated well, it is their loss, not Max's. Because he has the mentality to brush aside it all and open a new page and never look back unlike many others who can't let shit go.

[cat-in-a-fedora]

Reunion Falls

I think I found something for the reunion falls au of Gravity Falls on the original creator’s blog. The reblog and like functionalities weren’t working for some reason, and I couldn’t find it in the creator’s archive. I really like this, though, so I’m gonna put it here and give credit.

This was originally on @sailorleo, and I couldn’t reblog it for some reason.

`-i dunno, he’s like, really weirdly clingy, but when we’re together all he wants to do is talk about his band…

-dump him.

-dipper that’s the same advice you’ve given me for every boyfriend i’ve ever had

-then why don’t you ask mabel?

-fine, maybe i will. mabel, what do you-

-no actually i think dipper’s right you should dump him

-teen soos playing with baby dipper and getting all excited when he says his name

-it would work better if stan actually knew mabel was coming beforehand, but just couldn’t work up the nerve to tell dipper until the last minute. by some fluke, mabel arrives a day early, and makes contact with dipper while stan is out.

-stan tells dipper that at the time of his birth his parents weren’t expecting twins, and couldn’t afford to take care of two children at once. he only told the kid they were dead because he thought it might be easier to handle than the idea that his parents didn’t want him.

–

-what are you still doing up?

-’m makin’ a sweater for grenda. she’s bigger than me, so it’s taking longer. you had a nightmare?

-no big deal, it was just an anxiety dream.

-a what?

-it’s like a nightmare, but instead of being scary it just makes all your deepest insecurities a reality. grunkle stan says they’re the brain’s way of reminding you that life could always be worse.

-…that sounds dumb.

-yeah, well, life isn’t fair, mabel.

–

-that corduroy girl out sick today or somethin’?

-what? um, no! i was just, uh… i tripped. on a rock. a lot of rocks.

-oh c'mon, kid, you think i never got the snot kicked outta me in elementary school? i know a fist to the face when i see it. c'mere, let’s fix you up.

–

-what can i do, though? they’re all bigger than me, and if i tell the teacher i’ll just look like even more of a wimp.

-ha! if you don’t wanna look like a wimp, you should stop letting other people fight your battles for ya.

-but i can’t-

-now hold on. i know you can’t, you’ve got about as many muscles as a soggy piece of toast. but one thing i know about the world is that guys who were born bigger, stronger, and smarter are always gonna punch down. and guys like you an’ me are stuck right at the bottom like old gum. so if your wits can’t save ya, all there is to do is punch back up.

-….do you mean that metaphorically, or….

-i was wondering when i’d have to dig these old things up again! …see, kid, all I’m trying to say is, when the world fights, you gotta learn to fight back.

–

-oh, shit. we’re not getting anywhere like this.

-*gasp* dipper!!

-what??

-you just said the ’s’ word!

-so? we’re practically teenagers, mabel. we can swear.

-i have friends back home who won’t even say ‘crap’! you must be getting it from somewhere

-i don’t know what you-

-[wendy enters] AYYYYYY DICKWEEDS WHAT’S FUCKIN HAPPENING

–

-ugh, sorry about all that, man. i don’t know why robbie’s always such an asshole to you.

-you don’t think he’s like…..jealous of me, do you?

-HA! ohhhhh my god. oh my god you’re probably right.

-what, does he think I’m gonna like, steal you away? like he’s INTIMIDATED by me? …that feels kinda good, actually.

-oh man, can you imagine? dipper pines, casanova extraordinaire! refined older women such as myself just….COLLAPSING at your feet!

–

-grunkle stan, um…. where are my parents?

-uhh……….. they died.

-oh…. how did they die?

-they………………died.

–

-you know when you’re wearing just the vest without a sweater you kinda look like……. someone. it’ll come to me

–

-mabel, what did you do to the journal????

-what? you told me to pretend it was my diary!

-i said to PRETEND it was your diary, not actually use it as a diary!! you didn’t mess with the stuff inside, did you?

[cut to: a shot of the interior of the journal, filled with stickers and cute little drawings and tiny diary entries about boys and the like]

-…….nnnnnnnope.

–

-if you’re going to be a monster hunter, you’ve got to have a look.

-hey, i’ve already got THAT covered

-no, i mean a look that tells people you mean business. like what i’ve got!

-what’s more businesslike than a leopard wearing sunglasses?

-i can think of a few things. what about like, a jacket? or…. a jacket? something besides a big fluffy sweater.

-listen dip, we’ve only known each other for a few days so i’ll let you off the hook this time. but first rule of mabel? the sweater STAYS.

-ugh, fine, but you’re gonna overheat. hey, what about this? it’s big enough to wear over a sweater. and it’s got pockets!

-but does it have PERSONALITY?

-you can decorate it or whatever i don’t care.

–

-mabel, have you seen my gel?

-nope. why do you gel your hair, anyway?

-i don’t want my bangs to cover my birthmark.

-can’t you just cut them off?

-it’s part of the look.

-ohhh, the 'look’.

–

-soooooo dipper had a crush on you, huh?

-haha, yuuuuuup. he thought he was being super smooth about it too. 100% convinced i had no idea. oh shit, dude, you wanna see this valentines card he made me when he was like, seven?

-you KNOW i do!

-boom! check it. all the blackmail you’ll ever need on one piece of construction paper.

-oh my gosshhhhhhhhh…..wait,  "love, ty"?

-oh yeah, ol’ dipstick used to go by 'tyrone’ before he was dipper. just between you and me, dipper suits him better. tyrone is too cool for him.

-why’d he switch?

-dunno, really. he used to hate his birthmark, people would make fun of him for it, yknow? and then one day he just started being super cool with it. he like, reinvented his entire image around the thing. you should’ve seen him before that though, always brushing his bangs down over his forehead… well, at least he puts some effort into his appearance now.

–

-FUCK!

-KID!

-oh no.

-where’d you learn language like that?

-i… uh….

–…..wasn’t from me, was it?

-n-no! it was from…. nobody! i mean, you hear stuff around, and-

-WAHAHA! this is great! now i don’t have to keep my mouth shut around ya! and it isn’t even my fault!

–

-mabel, take out the trash

-booooooo!

-…aren’t you going to do what he said?

-sure, just as soon as i finish kicking dipper’s butt!

-i will dance on your grave, mabel.

-but…he’s your uncle. you should listen to him before he gets mad, right?

-pff, what’s ol’ stan gonna do, throw his dentures at me? (don’t tempt me, kid) half the fun of being a kid is not doing what adults tell you to do! consequences be darned.

-…paz, really, stan loves us. he’s not gonna like, hit me or anything. yikes.

–

-dipper, seriously, what the heck happened between you and gideon!

-i told you, nothing! he’s just a creep.

-oh, is THAT why he won’t stop talking about you? even on our dates! it’s WEIRD. ….you two aren’t like, exes or-

-ew, no!

-haHA! you dated gideon! gideon and dip-per sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-

-we were FRIENDS, okay?? …sort of. i dunno. it was a long time ago.

-heyoooo my drama senses are tingling! now you HAVE to tell me! deets deets deets!

-uuugggghhhhhh fine

-dipper and gideon have been rivals since childhood, but back then it was on somewhat friendlier terms. they would get each other in trouble, start fights over nothing, ruin each other’s stuff, but they would always walk away with smiles on their faces, like an unspoken pact to annoy the shit out of each other forever. but things started to change after gideon found journal 2. dipper didn’t see him around with the other kids as often. his tactics got nastier. he started “winning” more often. things came to a head after stan started teaching dipper to box. one day when dipper and wendy were hanging out together, they ran into gideon, who took the opportunity to tease them mercilessly. when he started going after wendy, dipper socked him, hard, in the nose. “i dunno. i was really mad, but i think i also just wanted to prove i was strong. wendy was always protecting me, so i wanted to protect her back.” after that point, gideon declared them mortal enemies.

-stan and wendy were definitely elated at the fact that dipper punched gideon. stan probably tried to bake him a cake.

–

DOUBLE DIPPER

“BAM! look out party, this girl’s on a mission! and that mission is to find a summer getaway friend group. woah, huddling crowd of teenagers! that’s perfect!”

-paz is talking with everyone listening when mabel interrupts her. “heyo! guess who’s here, it’s mabel, and that’s me.” “…..that’s great, sweetheart.”

-mabel is really excited to make new friends at the party, but most everyone starts hanging around pacifica. mabel tries to make friends with pacifica but paz rejects her, saying “listen, youre new so i’ll fill you in. it might seem like people like you and are interested in you because youre 'quirky’ or whatever, but you’re just a cheap novelty. around here? i’m the one who matters. nobody ignores pacifica northwest. adoring fans?” paz snaps her fingers and the crowd begins to shove mabel out of the circle until she finally falls on the empty dance floor. defeated, mabel shuffles off to the only people not part of the crowd (candy and grenda) “you too, huh?” “don’t worry. when we burn, we burn together.” paz then steps up to the mic and points at them, shouting “hey everyone, check out this adorable new attraction! it’s the reject corner!”

“aww, we don’t need this. the true merit of a partymaster is knowing how to take the party with you. this calls for an impromptu sleepover!”

-mabel offers to cheer up her new friends by ditching the party and having a sleepover instead, candy remarks that they were planning a post-party sleepover together anyway, grenda says how she stole a raunchy romance novel from her mom- wolfman bare-chest. grenda shows off that the book has a full-color illustration of gerard, candy remarks how she wants one of her own, mabel remembers that they have an old copy machine downstairs.

-“i don’t understand. i’m having fun, but i still feel this burning desire to go back downstairs and make her suffer for her crimes. crimes against friendship and partying.” “hey, i know what’ll curb that thirst for vengeance! theft! look what i stole from my mom’s bedside table!” “grenda, you wild girl! this is perfect!” “and it comes with a full-color illustration! his pecs are holographic!” *all three girls scream* “aah!! he is so rugged and brooding, i want to take him home with me and make him my trophy husband!” “ooh, i think we have an old copy machine downstairs! that way we can all keep the poster! come on girls, let’s go make our dreams a reality!”

-the girls end up bringing gerard to life because fuck the laws of reality, he emerges and says “which of you fair maidens brought me into this realm?” candy points to mabel. “girls, i think the party is back on!”

-“hey, fursuit, i don’t know if anyone told you, but this isn’t a costume party. although that would explain YOUR outfit, mabel”, gerard gets angry and tries to defend her by attacking pacifica. pacifica gets a small scratch on her arm and shrieks “are those REAL claws?!” mabel and candy struggle with gerard and finally subdue him (after he loses an arm to the punch bowl) by stuffing him into a closet. “you can come out after you learn to stop being such a butt!!” candy makes some remark about “at least we didn’t make any more!” cut to grenda either using the copy machine or already surrounded by wolf men.

-after the gerard squad starts running wild at the party, mabel gets an idea. “grenda, they’ve already like, werewolf-bonded to you, right? so if you’re in danger, they’ll come and save you!” “..i know what i have to do. hey northwest, be mean to me!” “ok, ok, just… give me a minute. ….hey circus freak, you’ve got arms like a gorilla and a voice like a wrestler, so it’s no wonder that the only boys interested in you are a bunch of wolves!” “…..pacifica, that was really mean.” “YOU TOLD ME TO!!!”

-maybe have pacifica get on the mic again so all the wolves hear her insult

-“grenda I’m sorry you have the body of an amazonian goddess and a voice like ten angels singing one direction!!” “yeah, maybe if one direction were all chain smokers.”

-the girls use this plan to lure the wolfpack into the kitchen, where there’s a sprinkler system connected to the fire alarm. the plan is that once all of the wolves are present, mabel will signal for candy to pull the alarm. however, once mabel gives the signal, it’s revealed that candy has been captured. “i’m sorry, mabel…. their pecs were just so shiny!” “i’m sorry i dragged you into this, pacifica.” “yeah, i’m sorry you dragged me into this, too.” maybe have them cowering on top of the fridge. but just when it looks like all hope is lost, the sprinklers come on anyway. it’s revealed that the first gerard was the one who pulled it, sacrificing himself to save mabel’s life.

-“you will always be in my heart, mabel pines. and i hope…..that i will be in yours…..”

-“well, pacifica, maybe now that we’ve worked together as a team, we can come away from this knowing that our fighting was petty and pointless, having gained a mutual respect.” “are you SERIOUS? all this proves is that you’re a freak, and your friends are freaks, and even though I’m gonna make sure to stay as far away from your little circle of lost causes as possible, the next time we meet? you’re going DOWN, and I’m gonna make sure EVERYONE is watching.” “……welp! i didn’t gain anything from that! maybe next time.”

-“i’m sorry that all this happened, girls. if you don’t wanna hang out with me after this, i get it.” “are you kidding? that was incredible!” “i feel like my heart is on fire! but in a good way!”

-in the aftermath, the girls (sans pacifica) burn the book. as they watch the illustration of gerard smolder, mabel solemnly says “this ends once and for all.” “….my mom’s gonna want that book back.” “once. and. for all.”

IRRATIONAL TREASURE

-pacifica overhears what the twins are trying to do and tails them, then ends up getting captured along with them

-LET ME OUT OF HERE! I AM A NORTHWEST!

-i thought we just established that doesn’t count for anything anymore.

-pacifica yells at mabel for doing something as stupid as leaving a trail of candy wrappers, dipper interrupts to ask her why she always feels the need to shut people down like that. pacifica tells him that its her duty as a woman of status to let everyone know what their place is. “orrrrrr you just feel so threatened by the idea that you’re not as well-liked as you think you are that you need to make everyone else feel bad about themselves.” “WHAT was that?” “threatened?”

-mabel gets her nerve back and yells at pacifica that why would she ever want to be liked by a stuck-up shallow primadonna like her, and throws a hunk of peanut brittle at her, freeing trembly.

-after returning to town, the twins see pacifica being berated by her parents for disappearing and getting her clothes dirty. mabel feels sorry for her and goes over to explain that oh, it was actually my fault, i was trying to uncover dirt on the northwest family and pacifica stepped up to intervene, and we got into a fight. also we totally didnt find anything to shame the northwests so you can thank pacifica for that too. the northwests then threaten to sue the pines family for hurting their daughter, but paz holds them back, saying something about how it isnt worth it to waste time on poor people like mabel.

-this is the start of mabel and pacifica’s budding friendship, and pacifica’s redemption arc

SUMMERWEEN

-hey, little man!

-oh, hey wendy! ….and robbie.

-so….. chilling in the bushes without a costume on? what’s that about?

-nah, i’d say he’s got a pretty solid 'loser’ costume lined up already.

-i’m just hanging out with mabel and her friends, i guess. this big legendary monster thing says its gonna eat us unless we collect 500 pieces of candy but y'know. no worries.

-sick, dude. and you didn’t even have to go out and find this thing yourself? your sis must be like, a monster magnet.

-yeah, she…really is.

-well, i’d help you with the mission if i could, but i’ve got this whole 'aloof teenager’ thing to keep up, yknow? no trick-or-treating for these old bones. but I’ve got a few extra sweets in my purse if you need some more handouts! we can go find mabel, and-

-NO! i-i mean… no, don’t find her, its ok, i got it, give it to me.

-woah, chill out, you little freak! you’re not HIDING from her, are you? …is everything ok? and don’t say it is, because nobody sweats that much when everything’s ok. not even you.

-……i dunno, it’s like, i don’t mind having her around, but we’re always together and she wants us to do all these “twin” things now and I’m just not sure I’m ready for it yet.

-yeah, i getcha. its gotta be a lot to take in. hey, if you need somewhere to decompress after this whole candy deathmatch thing is over, tambry’s throwing a party at her house in a few. text me when you’re free?

-just try not to dork up the place if you show.

-robbie, if you don’t lay off I’m gonna punch you in the dick.

-i just….. twins are supposed to have this special bond, y'know? like a mind meld or something. and i just feel like i’ve missed so much. things could've….should’ve been different. and i came here because i wanted to make things the way they were supposed to be. i thought like, maybe if we were together we could pretend that its the way things always were and everything was ok. but i cant. its not.

-yeah, i… i’m sorry, mabel. everything just happened so fast, and i couldn’t handle it, and i avoided thinking about it, and….i ended up avoiding you, too. i’ve been kind of a crummy brother so far, huh?

-no, no, i get it…. i’m weird, and this is weird, and you’re one of those weird people who likes to be by yourself. and i understand if you don’t want to be siblings. but… can we at least be friends?

-i don’t see why we can’t be both.

TOURIST TRAPPED

-hey, mabel, i was wondering, uh…… how did our parents die?

-woah, what? they’re not dead! are they?? you’re freaking me out, dipper!

-'sup, hambone?

-oh, hey….. soos, right?

-you got it, lil’ dude! so, what’s eating you? besides the mosquitos anyway. nice, good one soos.

-soos, have you ever tried to do something that you thought would make everyone really happy, but instead it just blows up in your face and everything is awful and it’s all your fault?

-story of my life, dude. probably not on this scale though. just a minor everyday occurrence.

-they probably hate me, don’t they?

-what? no way! i just met you a few hours ago and i can already tell you’re like the least hateable dude I’ve ever met. you’re like if they found a way to combine a smiling puppy with an anime fairy princess.

-but i ruined everything!! that’s what they’ll call me in the history books. mabel, queen of ruining everything. everyone was fine until i got here.

-it’s not your fault, dude. mr. pines had to tell dipper at some point. and dude, if it makes you feel any better, i am PSYCHED to have you here. i was telling customers about it all day!

-thanks, soos, but…. i should probably just go home. maybe if I’m gone dipper and stan can just forget this ever happened and go back to normal.

-you kidding, dog? nothing’s ever normal around here. i know this is like, a huge bombshell, but dipper and stan love each other. they’ll work it out. …hey, my brain just came up with a totally neato idea! why don’t we pitch a tent and have a sleepover out here under the stars? we could swap stories, eat raw marshmallows, and if you still want to go home tomorrow morning you can.

-….only if you’ll try to throw the marshmallows into my mouth with your eyes closed.

-deal.

-hey, mom. yeah i got here ok! it’s great, the woods around here are so cool and mysterious! oh, and i met this really cute guy but he turned out to be a bunch of gnomes under a hoodie. i know!! wild, right!

-h-hey mabel….can i….talk to them?

-…oh, mom, dipper wants to talk to you. is that ok?

-….hi, mo- ..mrs pines. it’s dipper.

-“oh, you must be the friend mabel was talking about! she was so excited to meet you! i hope you two are having fun!”

-yeah, it's…. it’s good to have her here.

-“are you all right, dear? you’re sniffling.”

-yeah, i’ve just got a cold. it’s ok.

THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE MABEL

-mabel sees a commercial for the tent of telepathy on tv and gets excited, pulling dipper over to see the famous “psychic”. dipper is annoyed at best and just groans, expositing that he and gideon have been rivals since they were little. he says he’s been trying to catch gideon in the act of something, ANYTHING, for as long as he can remember, and now with the help of mabel’s journal he’s devised a new theory: that gideon might actually be a vampire! he’s always coated in lotion, has stark white hair, speaks like an old southern man, and it might also explain his psychic powers. but dipper isn’t allowed in the tent of telepathy anymore, and he hasn’t been able to get close to gideon in his personal life. mabel offers to go investigate in dipper’s place, but he warns her that it’s not worth it and gideon is a “creep”, offhandedly mentioning that mabel probably doesn’t have the investigative skills necessary to crack the case on her own. determined to prove herself, mabel goes anyway, in “disguise” as a journalist so she can ask gideon questions when the show is over. during the questioning gideon becomes enamored with her, and when mabel asks if he’s a vampire he flirts around the issue, suggesting that he is simply to win mabel over. it works, and she agrees to go on a date with him.

-mabel takes notes on gideon’s mannerisms in the journal while on dates

-over time, gideon begins to reveal his true colors, and mabel realizes that dating a supposed vampire doesn’t really make up for gideon’s behavior.

-actually i changed my mind about the vampire plot, probably dipper just tries to keep mabel away from gideon because of their checkered past together

BOYZ CRAZY

“….can i confess something?”

“yeah, of course.”

“I’ve never like….. LIKED anyone. I’ve dated plenty of guys, and even a couple girls, but i don’t think i felt what i was supposed to be feeling for any of them. i thought that eventually if i went out with enough people, i would start to like at least one of them, but…. i dunno. I’m starting to think that i’ll never fall in love. maybe i CANT fall in love.”

“well… that’s not the end of the world! love kinda. sucks. especially when someone doesn’t like you back.”

“ugh, that’s what I’ve been doing to all these people! for years! i suck. i keep trying to be like everyone else, but i just end up pushing people away. I’ve lost so many friends…”

“hey, it’s not your fault. robbie’s a turd, you know that.”

“yeah, i guess you’re right… i dunno, you ever feel like there’s something, like, fundamentally wrong with you? like something fucked up in the womb and now you can’t ever be a normal person?”

[dipper pulls up his shirt slightly, looking at his binder]

“yeah. i do”

DREAMSCAPERERS

bill: I WAS WONDERING WHEN I’D RUN INTO YOU! QUESTION MARK, SHOOTING STAR…. AND DIPPER OF COURSE!

mabel: whoa, hey, how come soos and i get special names, but not dipper? that’s not fair!

dipper: uh, mabel, that’s not really-

bill: THAT IS HIS SPECIAL NAME, KID! ALWAYS HAS BEEN. HE JUST ADOPTED IT A LITTLE EARLY IS ALL.

dipper: wait, what?. you…you were the one in my dreams? all this time, it was YOU?

-new scene-

dipper: it’s just… the name was a big part of my like, identity, yknow? i thought it was so cool and special and for the first time in my life i was starting to feel NOT like a freak. i thought i was being cool but i was just doing exactly what bill wanted! [pulls his jacket over his head] aaaargh, what have i been doing all this time?!

mabel: di- …..bro, listen to me. your whole like, supreme tough guy monster hunter thing? it’s PRETTY silly. but that’s what i like about it! it’s all you, and you own it! and nobody chose to make you like that but you! and you didnt choose the name dipper because bill told you to, right? that was still all you. so, i don’t know. even if the guy who made it up turned out to be kiiiiiiind of a major jerk i dont think that means all of that is ruined forever. and if you stop going by dipper i’m going to have to start going by shooting star as revenge. star for short!

dipper: ….i think i like you as mabel better.

mabel: aww no, i was already getting used to it! star sounds like the name of a princess, doesnt it? or a galactic warrior!

-BUT DON’T YOU WORRY YOUR GEL-COVERED LITTLE HEAD, KID! I WON’T BE BOTHERING YOU LIKE THAT AGAIN. YOU’VE PROVEN YOURSELF TO BE EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTING AND USELESS. CONGRATS.

SCARY-OKE

-in this case obviously dipper wouldn’t want the agents around, since stan has taught him better than that.

-dipper decides that he’s finally ready to talk to his birth parents over the phone, but when he does they insist that they never had twins and mabel has always been an only child, and he realizes they don’t know who he is. everything he knows is once again called into question.

-mabel tries to get the agents’ help in figuring out the mystery behind dipper’s birth and proving that the two of them are siblings

-maybe dipper raises the dead as a way to threaten stan? like, oh you’re so afraid of the supernatural, what if i do this

-or mabel tries to lure the agents back to the shack by creating a supernatural disaster, like oh, say, zombies

-stan finally admits, with zombies breaking down the door, that he got mixed up with the supernatural and made some very bad decisions, although he isn’t specific about what happened. he relinquishes that he kept the truth from dipper all these years not for his sake, but because he couldn’t bear to admit that he was responsible for separating dipper from the family he should’ve grown up with.

THE GOLF WAR

-mabel and pacifica run into each other at the mini golf course, and after watching mabel sink the winning shot pacifica realizes she has feelings for her. furious with herself for developing a crush on somebody like mabel, pacifica challenges her to a rematch and vows to destroy her.

-dipper and stan are worried about pacifica’s behavior, but mabel assures them that she probably just wants a little one-on-one game and had to disguise it as a fight to the death since her parents were with her.

-pacifica gets to the golf course early to get some extra practice in, discovers the lilliputtians, and decides to use them to win against mabel, convinced that if she proves to herself that she’s better then her crush will go away.

-mabel becomes concerned with pacifica’s attitude and worried that she’s gone back to her old ways, bribing somebody to help her cheat. eventually she’s captured and tied up, and pacifica has to save her.

-in the aftermath, pacifica can’t stomach apologizing, so mabel does it for her. “hold on, dip. i think i know what’s going on here.” “what? no. you definitely don’t. whatever you’re about to say about me is completely and totally wrong.” “so i just want to let you know, pacifica���. it’s ok. i understand.” “understand what there’s nothing to understand” “yes there is! and i’ve felt that way before, too. even about you sometimes.” “wh…..huh? you have?” “yeah! all that pressure to compete really gets to you sometimes. but just because i beat you at something it doesn’t mean that you’re any less cool than you were before., ok? so i don’t want you to feel like you have to prove that!” “oh. yeah. yeah, that. yeah.” [awkward pause] “soooo…. you don’t hate me?” “of course not!” “ok good. that’s like, good to know. i don’t hate you either.”

-theyre playing truth or dare and mabel dares dipper to hold candy’s hand for the rest of the night

-mabifica bullshit: 'let me see those beautiful eyes’, holding hands post-confession in nmm, arguing about whether or not to run off into the woods together at night

THE LOVE GOD

-during a conversation with wendy, dipper casually mentions that he’d like a girlfriend. mabel overhears and decides to try and pair him up with someone. she enlists the help of candy and grenda for this secret mission, but notices that candy seems uncomfortable with it. eventually she admits that she’s had a crush on dipper for a while, and mabel is ecstatic. she conspires to set them up on a date at the woodstick festival. candy makes mabel promise not to tell dipper, but of course she can’t keep her mouth shut and blurts it out while the two are having breakfast at the diner. mabel expects dipper to leap at the chance, but instead he just feels awkward. he tells mabel that although he likes candy and thinks she’s great, he’s never thought of her like that. mabel urges him to give her a chance, but dipper argues that it will end badly. he spots candy nearby, freaks out, and runs for cover. it’s at this point that mabel meets the love god.

NORTHWEST MANSION MYSTERY

-“….and grenda can take a hit pretty well so she’d be the best choice for a distraction while i spray 'em with the anointed water from behind, but we might need pacifica to-”

“actually, dip, i was gonna ask if i could handle this one on my own.”

“what? why? we don’t know how powerful this ghost is!”

“because i, the wonderful mabel pines, am going to confess my love for pacifica tonight!”

“you only realized you liked her two days ago!”

“exactly! no time to waste when romance is afoot!”

“you don’t even know if pacifica LIKES girls!”

“well i don’t know if she likes BOYS either. she always seemed kinda indifferent to-

"even if she does, what if she doesn’t like you back? and you know what her parents are like, they probably wouldn’t want her dating another girl anyway…”

“why do you always have to shoot me down like this”

“…..i’m sorry, mabel… i just don’t want you to get hurt again.”

-“we did it!” “haha, yes!!”

-(internally) “this is the perfect moment, mabel, just go for it!”

-“umm, pacifica? now that we just beat this big scary ghostman together, there’s something i wanted to-”

-“YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS, FOOLISH CHILD”

-“….on second thought, I’m gonna go exorcise screamsville here first.”

-“that’s probably a good idea”

-{“WITCH! SERVANT OF EVIL!”}

-“i’m sorry. i didn’t want you to know this about me.”

-“ok, so, your family’s gotten mixed up in some bad stuff, that doesn’t mean-”

-“no, it does. you’ve always been so nice to me, and i never did anything to deserve it… hanging out with you, and dipper, and everyone, hanging around the shack….i started to realize that this isn’t normal. my parents aren't……normal. and now I’m just so scared that no matter what i do, i’ll end up just like them.”

-“….pacifica. i know you. your outsides may be crusted over with gold coins and expensive body lotion and hairspray, but your insides are made of bubbles and kitten kisses and rainbow dolphins high-fiving each other. your parents are a couple of stinky poo-heads inside and out and you’re not anything like them.”

[pacifica, crying, kisses her]

-“oh no. this was a mistake. I’m leaving.”

-“pacifICA WAIT”

-“what would you say if i said i was in love with you?”

-“i’d say you only wanted me for my money”

-“oh pacifica, your heart is gold enough to last me a lifetime!”

-“shhhhhpsshh stop!!”

-[mabel kisses her on the cheek]

-“no but really stop i don’t want my parents to see”

-“ohhh yeah sorry”

THE LAST MABELCORN

-things start out much like they do in canon, but when mabel meets the unicorn and it tells her that she’s not pure of heart she jumps to the conclusion that bill has “tainted” her in some way by taking over her body. the abuse metaphors here are obvious. she sadly returns home and begs ford to help her in some way, and he takes her down to his study. meanwhile, dipper sets back out with the girls in mabel’s place.

-“…..but it wasn’t me….” “what?” “i…..i have to go.” “mabel, wait!”

have it so like, she’s not necessarily visibly distraught when she talks to ford, or even to her friends, but more determined to “fix” herself, hiding the worry that she’s a bad person beneath her insistence that it must be bill’s fault.

“GRUNKLE FORD! bill gunked up my soul and i need you to fix it so i can be pure of heart again!” “…mabel…” “please please please PLEEEAASE!”

-“no offense, but you break the law daily, you two have kind of a…. mutual violent streak, and you……” “don’t say anything.” “and if being involved with bill really did disqualify mabel, then I’ve been doomed for years.” “you’re also not a 'maiden.’” “good point.”

-“man, this is bullshit.” “i know. how are we gonna find someone more pure than mabel?” “no, i mean. the game’s rigged. nobody’s completely 'pure of heart’ or whatever, and how do you even measure that? that glitter-snorting poser doesn’t ever have to give up the goods because she’s asking for something that doesn’t exist.” “…so how do we get the hair?” “well, i say if princess unattainabelle back there doesn’t wanna play fair, we shouldn’t have to either. alright, kids, who’s ready to add a few more bad deeds to the naughty list?” “YEAH!”

-meanwhile, mabel’s mind begins to be encoded. “i can’t undo what’s already been done, mabel. but i can make it a lot harder for bill to hurt you again.”

-mabel’s thoughts: “do you a favor” “have craz and xyler ever kissed?” “adopt every kitten in the world” “PACIFICA PACIFICA PACIFICA”

-mabel ends up putting the helmet on ford because she starts to have intrusive thoughts worrying that he could be possessed by bill, and she decides that proving herself wrong would put them to rest. “ugh, shut UP, brain! this is why we don’t talk anymore.”

-when mabel reads his thoughts, she freaks out and, unlike dipper, actually succeeds in hitting ford with the memory gun. he’s knocked to the ground and she approaches him cautiously as he rises back to his feet. when he explains that he’s not bill and the gun didn’t work anyway, mabel starts crying and hugs him. “its ok, mabel. you did the right thing. when dealing with an enemy like bill, you can’t fully trust anyone, not even the people closest to you. …maybe if i’d known that when i was younger, we wouldn’t be in this mess now.”

-“….i’m a bad person.” “oh come on, you don’t still believe that unicorn, do you? i thought dipper told you she was full of it.” “no, i… did something really bad today. i thought bill did something to gunk up my heart but it was really just me all along.” “wow, what did you do?” “nn. you’d hate me if i told you.” “mabel, you could kill a dog in front of me and i wouldn’t hate you. and if you don’t tell me i’ll just assume the worst.” “i AM the worst.” “ohhhh my god. …..ok, let’s say that bill did break your soul for all eternity or whatever. so what? you’re still my girlfriend. and in case you haven’t noticed, i’m pretty messed up too.”

ROADSIDE ATTRACTION

-“aww, come on! think about it…. just us girls, alone under the stars…” “eww, fine! i’ll come if you stop being gross”

-“i can’t believe my own sister got a girlfriend before me!”

-“romance ain’t a contest, kid.”

-“…yeah, you’re probably r-”

-“just kidding its definitely a contest. one you’re losing.”

-“he was… flirting with me! i think he actually likes me back!”

-“AAAAAAAAA!!” “get it, girl!” “candy wins!” “i wouldn’t get your hopes up, chiu. he’s probably just being a tool.”

-“pacifica, how could you?” “why must you deny true love?” “hey, dipper’s my friend and i think he’s great, but he sucks. I’m just being realistic.”

-“oh, no. i think i just agreed to take candy out on a date.”

-“….aaaaand do you LIKE her?”

-“well, yeah…………….as a fr-”

-“UGGGGGHHHHHH I KNEW IT. listen, 'dopper’, you got yourself into this mess, and its not up to me to help get you out. you deserve it for toying with a woman’s feelings, anyway.”

“candy…. saved my life. even after i broke her heart. she’s so cool…………………………………oh, SHIT.”

-“it’s ok, dipper. if dating pacifica has taught me anything, its that the way to a woman’s heart is through emotional angst and near-death experiences. and we get those every day!”

-“you deserve this and i have no sympathy for you.”

–

DIPPER AND MABEL VS THE FUTURE

same basic setup, with mabel hitting up all her friends for party plans, but the focus is on having to return home without all the friends she’s made rather than anxiety about growing up (although that’s still a factor). in addition to discovering candy and grenda won’t be around, she also finds that pacifica’s parents are becoming suspicious of her frequent outings so she’s trying to lay low for a little while, so she won’t be able to hang out for the last week of summer.

ford invites dip along for the alien hunt, and doesn’t exactly offer dipper the chance to be his apprentice, but is impressed with his adventuring skills and the fact that dipper has been training in the art of mystery solving for years. au dipper is quite a bit braver than canon dipper after all, and quicker to spring into action right after ford. theres still a bit of hesitation involved, and when ford praises him for his courage, he laughs and remarks that mabel would’ve jumped right away without any thought. ford then confides in dipper that although mabel uses her heart before her head, he can still see how scared she is inside and thinks it would be best for mabel to return home and cease connection with gravity falls, because he’s seen first-hand how much bill has hurt her already and he doesn’t want it to get any worse. he also tells dipper that he can tell mabel’s heart isn’t in any kind of study or quest for knowledge like he is, she’s just a kid having fun, and he can tell that its mostly because she wants to impress dipper and it might be better for her to focus her energy on her own interests, which can’t happen if she stays in gravity falls. dipper reluctantly agrees, saying that he’s always sort of worried about the same thing. of course, this is the part that mabel hears over the walkie-talkie.

for all that mabel and ford’s relationship is better, he still sees her as a child while he sees dipper as more of an equal. he warns dipper that letting mabel become dependent on him, or he on her, is a bad idea, because one day they’re going to have to go their separate ways, and mabel might not be able to handle it (implying that she’ll do something drastic to keep him around, like stan did to him).

theres a scene midway through the episode of pacifica sulking on her bed, hugging a pillow to her face. her mother’s voice calls her for dinner from downstairs, and she groans and gets up. looking in the mirror, she realizes her mascara has run and she scoffs and rubs at her eyes. when she opens them up again, the mirror is full of eyes. “something wrong, blondie?” it cuts off there

after mabel runs away into the woods at the end of the episode, pacifica emerges from the bushes in her full incognito gear, saying she came to warn her about bill. that bill tried to make a deal with her but she refused everything he offered, and that he’s getting desperate and is going to try again with someone else, probably before the summer ends. she tells mabel that if neither of their families want them, they’ll run away, out of gravity falls, together. when mabel realizes she has the rift, she groans, annoyed that she has to go back home and return it. but pacifica insists that this actually makes the plan better, that if they leave gravity falls with the rift it can be kept safer… and that, maybe it would be better if pacifica held onto it, since bill is targeting mabel. mabel agrees and hands it over…. at which point pacifica takes a moment to admire it, and then smashes it to the ground. she laughs, takes off her sunglasses, and is revealed to have been possessed by bill. then the world ends.

WEIRDMAGEDDON 1

-after ford is captured, dipper runs into grenda, as in literally runs into her, while she’s attempting to chase a monster in process of carrying off candy. the two travel together for the next three days, finally deciding to explore the mall in search of mabel and the others. on the way there, though, the two are ambushed by bill’s lackeys. before the fight can begin, grenda tosses dipper out of harm’s way and shouts for him to go on without her while she holds off the monsters. dipper reluctantly escapes, leaving grenda to an ambiguous fate.

-during that time, candy finds pacifica huddled in a pile of rubble, and urges her to come help find the others, but she’s reluctant. “look, mabel’s not here anymore, alright?! she’s gone. bill got her. so you can stop pretending to like me.” “candy does not pretend. not when it comes to friendship.” “….if you just left me here, nobody would have to know.” “on your feet, northwest.”

“augh, my poor hair… it’s got like, twigs and shit in it.” “do you want me to cut it off?” “what? no. why would i do that.” “it’s a symbol! in stories, girls cut off their long hair when they are going on journeys and breaking free, leaving the past behind… it is cool and majestic and– pacifica, YOU should cut off MY hair!” “wait, seriously? …ok, whatever, fine, do your weird impulsive nerd thing. you got any like, scissors?” “let me see….. six, seven, eight pairs! i also have a knife.” “candy, what the fuck.”

-dipper finds wendy, pacifica, and candy all hiding together in the mall. dipper is surprised and relieved to find that candy is safe and she talks about how she bit the monster’s hand to get it to free her, proudly revealing that one of her teeth has turned completely red as a result. dipper admits what happened to grenda, and while pacifica and wendy look worried, candy remains adamant that she’s strong and will be all right. hesitantly, dipper asks if any of them have seen mabel. the room goes quiet, and pacifica confesses what happened, that bill came to her and threatened to possess and torture mabel again if she didn’t let him use her body. she thought that if she agreed, she’d become a ghost like mabel did and be able to use a puppet as a vessel in time to warn somebody. instead she simply blacked out, and when she came to she was just in time to see mabel being sealed in a bubble and taken away.

-at some point pacifica confesses to dipper that bill never threatened to hurt mabel. she made the deal willingly because he promised her that mabel would be able to stay in gravity falls if she let him borrow her body, and she was just so scared of losing her, and everyone.

-candy’s arm is broken in the car chase and ensuing wreck against gideon’s crew. in the aftermath, pacifica uses the remains of her jacket to make a sling.

ESCAPE FROM REALITY

mabeland is nearly the same as in canon, though maybe with some minor alterations to reflect the events of the summer. dippy fresh is replaced by a series of “dream dippers”, versions of dipper that mabel had imagined he might be like before actually meeting him. most are unrealistically cool, but one in particular is just someone who would be the ideal brother, always looking out for her and wanting to be with her. in the end of course, mabel has to look at all of this and decide that real dipper is the one she wants. (theres also a fake pacifica who shares all of mabel’s interests and is hopelessly in love with her, always flirting and offering romantic gestures, but without any of the sass and personality that make her who she is. pacifica ends up snapping her neck.)

mabel introduces the dream dippers one by one like they’re contestants on a game show, but one spot is left empty. dipper asks who it’s for, to which mabel nervously replies that it’s more convenient to have something extra just in case. later on, in the wilderness of mabeland, dipper overhears mabel talking to someone. “i don’t understand. everyone can finally be happy here. wendy can break all the rules she wants and never get in trouble, candy can be herself without people making fun of her, pacifica can get away from her parents, and dipper…. well maybe i can understand why HE wants to leave, since he apparently doesn’t want to deal with me….” suddenly, dipper hears his own voice reassuring her that everything will be alright, and he’ll stay by her side forever, that the summer never has to end. she says “do you really mean that?” to which he replies “of course. you know i’m the best brother ever.” the voice is revealed to be perfect, ideal brother dipper.

crushed by this, dipper retreats to the pond, where instead of being approached by wendy he’s approached by candy. she sits down and asks him what’s wrong, and he tells her how awful he feels that he couldn’t have done better for mabel. she assures him that he’s a wonderful person, and mabel’s being silly for not wanting someone like him as a brother. she then tells him that she was being silly for being mad at him, too, that she’s realized he was right all along, and she should’ve forgiven him earlier. “really? …'cause i was totally with you on the whole 'i was a jerk’ thing.” then candy ups the ante, going on to talk about how oh, he’s so much smarter and braver than her, and she was just upset because she thought she stood a chance with him, but she’s such a loser, she could never- dipper stops her there, worried. he continues to insist that it was his fault, he WAS being an asshole, and he should’ve apologized to her a long time ago, but he was nervous “because…. i DO like you, candy. like, like-like you.” he tells her to stop berating herself, that he likes her because she doesn’t let anybody change how weird she is and that she’s not acting like…. herself. it’s at that moment that he realizes what’s going on. as “candy” begins dissolving into bugs, a fist collides with her head and she explodes. its revealed to be grenda, who managed to find her way in because “the door was unlocked.”

when it comes to the trial, mabel’s memories are similarly flipped through, but instead of having a twin to be there in her time of need, she had nobody. she’s never had anybody like that until she met dipper.

TAKE BACK THE FALLS

-candy and grenda’s symbol is a disco ball. “…and this one could mean a person who can see the fun in any situation! or just a party animal.” “hey, that’s me!” “that’s me too!” “it’s both of us!! SYMBOL SISTERS!!!” [grenda lifts candy up onto her shoulders and they each take a hand, candy on her right side since her left arm is broken and grenda on the left]

-“we’re proud of you, daughter. saving the world will be perfect for salvaging our reputation! i still think those pines kids are a bit of a bad influence on you, though.”

-“oh YEAH? how’s THIS for a bad influence?!” [she pulls mabel into a passionate kiss] “news flash, dad! your perfect daughter’s a big fat gross lesbian! and when i grow up I’m gonna marry this riffraff right here, and change my name to pines too!! so DEAL WITH IT!!!”

stan still loses his memory as he did in canon, but dipper is the most visibly distraught and won’t stop begging him to remember. he tells him how even though they fought a lot over that summer, he loves him so much and he’d never ask for a better grunkle. he desperately tries to jog his memory with baby pictures, but they need to trigger more immediate memories first.

the solution for mabel to stay in gravity falls would be to fabricate a lie that dipper is ford’s grandson, ford being the twin that faked his own death to escape a life on the run, but they’ve just come back to reconnect with the family (since dipper lost his parents apparently), and mabel didn’t want to tell her parents at first because she was afraid they wouldn’t want her staying with an estranged family member/ex-con. but she’s made so many great friends and she loves this town and wants to stay with her “cousin”.

while the northwests go house hunting, mabel invites pacifica to stay at the shack until they can find a new home.

rather than leaving for a new adventure, ford and stan decide to stay at the shack and rest for a while, just settle into their new family dynamic. soos, melody, and abuelita all still move in, and so the house is renovated to make room for the huge family.

with the journals destroyed, the mystery squad now has to start from square one…. but dipper tells mabel that she doesn’t have to do anything to impress him anymore. that he’s ready to try just being a kid again.

[gabrielbishop-blog1]

whaddup peeps i’m lily :-)) im under eighteen, mdt timezone and she/her pronouns !! anymeme i thought to spice up my intro w a moodboard, not sure if it’s gabe’s big schmood or mine but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ anyways under the cut is a bit more about gabe if y’all are interested in learning more about ur garbage mayor !

( BEN AFFLECK, CISMALE, 45 ) have you seen GABRIEL BISHOP around town ?? we call HIM the FACADE around here , and they work as THE TOWN MAYOR . it makes sense , you know . HE can be CHARISMATIC and ALLURING but pretty PHLEGMATIC and ELUSIVE. word around town is THEY WORK WITH A NOTORIOUS MAFIA IN SALEM but are you really really all that surprised ?? ( OOC. lily. 15. mdt. she/her. )

alcohol mention, drug mention

ok so if u guys knew pre-revamp gabe i’ve decided to ?? keep his old background/personality pretty much the same w just minor tweaks sO now he’s basically future!gabe which makes no sense cause he’s actually younger and no time has passed but he ar me out,,, u can read gabe’s old intro post here if ya want it delves into his i guess we’ll say old self now

so pre-revamp gabe used to be a dirty cop who did favours for a drug ring but im switching that shiz to the mafia. so he was still a dirty cop who liked to use his position to scare the shit out of people but i’m kinda pushing that back a bit in a sense like it started when he was younger like early to mid 30s

essentially what happened is that along the years the mafia started asking more and more out of gabe until basically ?? they made him run for mayor in astoria so they could use astoria as kind of a cover if that makes sense ?? and it was perfect too cause i mean gabe came from humble beginnings. his parents created their business from the ground up and gabe was just your local cop, one of the people. even if he wasn’t a people-person he played up the whole im jUST LIKE U GUYS campaign

so if the mafia needed somewhere to hide one of their own men, dump something, hide/launder money they’ll use one of their fake businesses/properties in astoria all personally approved by gabe. he lets their municipal requests/paperwork pass through and being mayor he can also help take suspicion of their backs and basically its just a bunch of paperwork being approved that shouldn’t be, paperwork mysteriously missing, and things like tha t..

at first gabe was just their guinea pig. being a naturally abrasive and introverted person, he hated being mayor and not to mention the fact he still held up his values/morals pretty strongly so he also hated what he was doing on the dl. bUT NOW gabe has kind of ?? embraced it. like he knew he was stuck there, under the mafia’s thumb so why not just take advantage of it and top them ?? 

so slowly gabe has been working his way up that chain by strong arming certain members, hiring his own men, serious threats, etc. until now gabes pre much one of the big dogs and hes well known n feared but only to people who are actually involved in/with the mafia cause he still gotta keep this shit secret. along the way gabe kinda completely lost his way ?? like he actually enjoys the powerful man he’s become and the shitty stuff he does doesn’t eat away at him anymore.

he’s become full blown manipulative, learned how to become more charming to the people, he’s less abrasive and more sociable but its all an act. the only thing grounding him is his kids but even then he’s distanced himself from them, become less attentive as a father. mainly cause he knows he bad and doesn’t want to ?? bring the darkness inside him into that part of his life ?? he doesn’t wanna infect his kids ?? so … if u were looking for any redeemable qualities in gabe .. he has like one and even then it’s a bit of a double-edged sword lmfao

alsO while we’re on the topic of the kiddos… he knows they’re not his. he’s never said it out loud, brought it up to anyone, or even given it much thought. but he’s heard the whispers and he’s always known in the back of his head ??? and SUPER duper deep down like eight layer dip deep it kills him but he doesn’t love them any less ?? they are still essentially his kids and he is their father

anyWAYS so some plots i’d like to have ?????????

old friends - people who were friends w the old gabe but ever since gabe ran for mayor they’ve become less close and they’re like ????????? bich who tf r u ?????? and whatd u do w gabe ???

brotp - pls give me this. ride or die. someone gabe’s been friends w for a long ass time and stuck w him even thru his confusing and totally ooc decision to run for mayor and weird af personality changes. doesnt know what he does but BOI when he finds out ,,,,

drinking buddy - someone gabe regularly sees but doesnt know their name bc ?? wow hello fellow sorrowful human being we both like to day/afternoon/night drink at the same bar how Beautiful

enemies - wether its a u just annoy the shit out of me or a i might actually put on a hit on u cause ur threatening my career/life/family pls i ust want interactions w gabe maybe actually feeling threatened or someone to roast gabe and gabe can roast u back. OR someone that ran against gabe in the election and was like ???? fkc u ??? how did an emotionally stunted grandpa beat me in this shit ??

reporters ?? - or anyone who might work for the media that’s constantly hounding gabe w questions, interviews whatever and hes always like !!!!! f u !!!ck !!! leave !! me !!!! alone !!!!!!! but w a dead inside smile cause hes a Man of the People now :)

body guard - ok this one ur... muse would have to be shady af. like ex hitman or ex military/marksman or smth and hed be working under the table w some sort of cover story cause he wouldnt actually work for the mafia ?? just literally just for gabe cause he hired them himself just for Insurance AGAINST the mafia .. cant have an assassination on his hands yknow this is v specific ill prob have to request this but ??

affairs - occasional hook ups ?? regular hook up?? hooked up once ?? past thing ?? on-going thing ?? lowkey sugar baby ??? an escort ?? this lowkey depends on his relationship w his wife but it is kinda implied in the secret that their marriage is unhappy and it mf tears me up cause old gabe WOULD NEVER litterlay this boi had ‘i <3 my wife’ tattooed on his forehead :// but he a complete shitshow now so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

coworkers - basically anyone he could possibly work with. but i would like just one of them tho to be like gabe’s secretary/assistant and his dedicated right hand man/woman and lowkey knows what he’s ACTUALLY doing but is loyal af so doesnt sya shit

advisor - gabe wouldve hired this peep early on cause obv he doesnt know shit about politics and needed some help. lowkey shady n under the table too cause wow the people cant know tha tgabes amazing ideas ?? arent actually his ?? but idk still kinda working this out in my head

old flame/the one that got away - give me the ugli high school sweethearts trope that is so sweet it makes u wanna puke :’) ur muse would have to be like 41-43 tho lmfao aND we can plot out how it’d be like now whether they drc or it angsty af

unrequited crush/feelings - gabe has no time n space for feelings rn so itd have 2 be ur chara having ?? icky ?? feelings for gabe ?? god that shit alwyas gets me FCKED UP

[monstermashdefunct]

cassianbodhi

unfortunate backstory for this message is me pleading u to send it to me so i can dump my hcs somewhere but lets disregard that for now

1- Who is the most affectionate? !! i feel like probably bodhi bc cassian is a little bit distant from affection at first bc everyone hes ever loved has gone in some way or another but they’re both pretty gd touch starved at this point so there is so much snuggling and eventually cassian warms up to pda a little bit more2-Big spoon/Little spoon? bodhi is almost always the big spoon even tho he’s 2″ shorter than cass bc he likes to be comforting and wrap himself around him. jetpack ur bros3-Most common argument? both of them are.. kinda bad when it comes to self worth n personal love and all that so if they ever argue its kinda along the lines of “cassian jeron andor listen to me you are so worthwile and important and i love you” or one of them being very reckless on a mission and the other getting angry 4-Favorite non-sexual activity? they like playing cards together, and sometimes cassian reads before bed and bodhi wiggles up to lay next to him and read over his shoulder spooned behind him5-Who is most likely to carry the other? cassian ends up carrying bodhi to bed a lot because he’ll just not sleep for a while and then pass the hell out in the middle of the mess hall and cassians like.. well here we go again and hauls him off to bed6-What is their favorite feature of their partner’s? bodhi’s favorite thing about cassian: all of his jackets but also his Smilecassian’s favorite thing abt bodhi: his hair ?? its amazing he has a Thing for bodhis hair 7-What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other? well im feelin like bodhi realizes hes kinda in love w cassian some time after scarif and then just spur of the moment kisses him? so thats the main first change is bam okay they’re kissing now8-Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate? someone i follow uses Bode as a nickname for bodhi which i think is hella cute in like a modern au or smth. bodhi calls cassian Cass a lot just as a quick abbreviation but also captain and sometimes other people call bodhi “your pilot” around cassian and he accidentally picked that up9-Who worries the most? its bodhi no question10-Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant? bodhi has a notebook full of things he needs to remember that he keeps in his bag or pocket at all times and it includes cassian’s standard coffee and food orders just in case11-Who tops? you fools... the strict top/bottom dichotomy is oppressing us all.. 12-Who initiates kisses? already answered13-Who reaches for the other’s hand first? bodhi is the #1 hand holding champion of the resistance so he’s into that 14-Who kisses the hardest? depends on the situation i think, after a mission they do have some intense “oh my god we made it out holy shit i love you so much” kisses, or sometimes if cassian has to do a mission w/o bodhi (or vice versa) they can barely make it out of the ship before the other is over there kissin them15-Who wakes up first? cassian is a really oddly early riser when he doesnt need to be and sometimes for meetings. plus he wakes up early w nightmares and stuff sometimes and likes to just lay in bed w bodhi there until he calms down16-Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer? both of them i think.. bodhi Never wants to get up bc in the empire they were pretty strict abt that stuff 17-Who says I love you first? already answered18-Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?) ok im talkin abt my college au here bc im uncontrollable but like. some days cassian has classes and bodhi doesn’t and bodhi makes him lunch every once in a while before test days or whatever and he always puts in a little note that’s like “you’ve got this!! i believe in you!! you can’t have your zepplin shirt back until you focus and do your readings tonight 19-Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first? assuming we’re going w a modern au in which either of them has family to speak of, i’d say bodhi in his weekly call to his mom to chat he’s like “hey mom i have a boyfriend!! he’s cute and has nice hair but he’s bad at making jokes”20-What do their family/friends think of their relationship? bodhi’s mom is totally fine w it and so is his sister, cassian’s parents are kinda weird abt it at first but mostly bc his last relationship was really weird so they’d question it no matter who he was dating. but, they trust this bodhi kid and think if anyone has to date cassian it should be them21-Who is more likely to start dancing with the other? bodhi doesn’t think hes a good dancer.. at all but he’s fairly ok but cassian is.... a really good dancer and this is totally inspired by the film dirty dancing havana nights which i still havent seen but he’s a good dancer but doesnt dance much so bodhi’s really surprised but then some nights they sneak into the mess hall when they can’t sleep and they dance because its good for emotional release and theres space down there

22-Who cooks more/who is better at cooking? theyre both pretty good cooks but cassian cooks more bc it reminds him of what little he remembers of home23-Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines? bodhi googles them because he thinks hes funny and he keeps them in his notebook24-Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?25-Who needs more assurance? both of them rlly? like bodhi’s been thru some shit and so has cassian and theyre both kinda insecure and not the best at positivity abt themselves so they both need a lot of reassurance abt things26-What would be their theme song? hmmm either in our bedroom after the war by stars, or you are a runner and i am my fathers son by wolf parade27-Who would sing to their child back to sleep? cassian definitely..28-What do they do when they’re away from each other? they try to keep busy but they definitely send transmissions as much as possible to keep in touch29-one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart. yknow. what happens in canon is enough for me lol30-one headcanon about this OTP that mends it. they have a lot of rituals after scarif for when one or both of them can’t sleep for any number of reasons, sometimes they’ll sneak out to this big hill near the base and look at the stars, or they’ll play cards (bodhi’s teaching cassian some tricks, but cass is fairly sure they arent good tricks and theyre making him lose), or cassian will tell bodhi about galactic history and run his fingers through his hair until eventually the sun rises or they fall back asleep

[galacta-knight-moved]

long fucking vent post bc im tired i got 2-3 hours of sleep in over 24 hours and if i dont get this out i might freak??? warning for talks of suicide, abuse, alcohol abuse, self harm, 

yknow i find it funny how he still probably goes around never telling the full story, saying vague things, not willing to elaborate, yet has still attempted to guilt trip me multiple times after it all happened, probably makes himself seem like the victim, and even tried to get me kicked from somewhere because i was tired of dealing with him and his alters manipulating my emotions and ignoring every time people told him to knock it off? yes i fucked up too but i didnt make an excuse of getting fucked up from taking a harmless OTC sleep aid (that you cant overdose on and which naturally occurs in the body anyway) to get away with telling people multiple suicide plans unprompted

i didnt have alters that sent unprompted nsfw and make vague sexual passes at the other party

i didnt have alters that accused the other of not caring if they died

like sorry i have trauma with suicide and death that made us want to kill ourselves before i was 8? sorry that i have trauma with suicide and death from over 25 friends and sometimes still counting that want to kill themselves, or have attempted, or even succeeded?

sorry that i became uncomfortable that you got drunk in the middle of the day multiple times in voice calls when you were a minor when alcohol abuse is a trigger of mine

sorry that i became uncomfortable that you started asking about what it feels like to hang yourself when you were drunk in voice call in the middle of the day, typing that question in a public chat

sorry that our protector and i told you multiple times that i cant handle things?

i wanted you to be honest, yes, but i didnt want you to use me as a dumping ground.

you never even acknowleged one of the first times our protector went off on you telling you how underdeveloped i was at that time, how i wasnt built to take that stuff on

ahah, what about the time i told you i was going to be busy, so i was unable to hang out, and you literally said “busy.......” in quotation marks. i had been giving you so much of my attention that i had been ignoring my other friends for you. remember that night i had a sleepover? i still spent the night worrying about you as i knew if i left you alone with your thoughts, you would most likely have another breakdown. i spent that night playing with you, and while yes, the friend i was over with had joined, it had not been in our plans at all.

and god that server of yours i joined. almost everyone, including you, constantly talking about offing themselves or cutting themselves in public areas of the chat, outside of the vent area, being so..... casual about it. thats not normal. thats not ok

and the roblox incident. i told you to stop bringing it up. you didnt stop. it felt so good to stand up for myself without needing our protector to do it for me. but i shouldnt have had to! because i told you more than once to stop mentioning it

i was trying to be civil, but you ignored my discomfort and requests

ah, and when you vaguely, yet directly referenced our situation when you joined the server i was in, in the voice call that we had both already been in for us to acknowledge each other’s presences. that was kind of rude, yknow?

and what about the time when you were told to leave me alone and give me space? you claimed you had been doing that, but what about all the messages in said server where you continued to respond directly to things i said?

i had. constant breakdowns over this shit. worrying about you, being scared when your first alter showed up and locked you away from front, when he started being a bastard and caused drama in the first server you were kicked from because he couldn’t be controlled.

i still have nightmares, you know

just. stop doing this to other people, if you havent already

[asdklgkgluck]

okay hi first rant post on this blog but i have a lot of feelings and emotions and stuff to just type out all over the place.

so first off, i really want to be drunk or high right now. i know how fucked that is and i know how stupid it is to want to be drunk or high to take away my feelings, but fuck i really can’t handle my life being like this sober. i’m so hurt and unmotivated and hateful and so many other negative things and the only thing that takes it away when i’m alone like this is being high or drunk. i looked for alcohol earlier but there isn’t any in sight anywhere which fucking sucks. i’m sure my mom has some in her room, but her and nicholas are asleep in there and i don’t feel like risking waking them up just to search for booze.

speaking of my mom, i really wish things between us could be different. i’ve always felt so slighted and robbed that i didn’t have a great childhood and even now with the whole “my mom is my best friend” culture, i just can’t relate even a little bit, and honestly it really upsets me that i can’t relate whatsoever and get told by so many people that i’m ungrateful. i don’t even know what to think about her. sometimes i can say that i think she’s doing her best, but i know she’s not. she’s very selfish and demanding. “i cosigned on your student loans, you owe me this and this and that” or i don’t? since you’re making me pay you back anyway? she feels as though we should be so subservient to her just because she had sex, her birth control failed, and she ultimately chose not to abort me or my brother and keep us rather than give us up for adoption. that’s another thing: she’s told me i don’t even know how many times that she wishes she would’ve gone through with aborting me. do you know how that makes someone feel? do you have any fucking idea what it feels like to be told by your actual mother that she wishes she would’ve never had you? and even knowing that her and my dad were going to give me up for adoption until my dad said no because he didn’t want to have a daughter out there somewhere that he didn’t know. if not for him, my life would be entirely different. i don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. i don’t like looking back at things and wondering how they could be different because i can’t fix them, so what’s the point in thinking about the “what ifs”?

anyway i got off topic, but my mom. is so mean. she’s so emotionally abusive and manipulative but she’s so fucking ace at it that sometimes i have to sit back and wonder if i’m really positive she is or if i’m just wrong and reading into it. she is. i blocked out most of my childhood, so i can’t recall the things she used to do to my brother and i, but i remember it fucking me up. my grandma on my dad’s side likes to tell the story of the time when my mom went away to mexico for two weeks and when my grandma told my brother and i that she was coming to pick us up, i cried and hid. we retell it like it’s a funny story because if you just see it from a normal perspective, it’s just a silly kid wanting to stay at grandma’s. in reality, i hated being around my mom and former stepdad and felt extreme emotional distress knowing i had to go back to them. i also used to plan with that grandma how she could kidnap me from my mom’s house. i guess you can see those things as harmless kid shenanigans, but it was multiple things and repeated and i was in actual distress. and i guess that’s a common theme in my life with the adults in my life growing up writing off my distress and mental illness as just being a kid because what 6 year old is actually suicidal, yknow?

but my fucking mother. in comparison to her mom, she seems totally fine, but get her on her own and she’s just as bad in her own way. i do remember she and my ex stepdad used to make me cry and then laugh at me for being upset. she would come up to me when i would wear t shirts or shorts and pinch my fat and point out all my cellulite and flaws. we could just be sitting at a red light and she’d look over and narrow her eyes and go “you have a double chin and you’re not even trying to have one. you need to start doing chin exercises”. she wouldn’t let me go out or hang out with my friends until i was in my freshman year of high school unless she was able to call my friends’ parents and confirm every single last detail, and even then, she wouldn’t let me go half the time because she got a “bad vibe” and accused me of lying. her and my ex stepdad accused me of lying all the time, and i do have a problem with lying, but they would accuse me of lying even when i was telling the truth. they would LITERALLY MAKE ME FUCKING LIE TO THEM AND ACCEPT THAT AS “THE TRUTH” so what the fuck did they think was going to happen??? i got my first real life boyfriend and my mom accused me of trying to have sex and sleep around and i was literally 12?? i hadn’t even had my first real kiss yet and apparently “i want to go out on a date with my middle school boyfriend” is code for “i want to fuck even though i literally just started masturbating last week and haven’t even figured that out yet”. (speaking of, i probably should try and get off at some point tonight since i haven’t in like a week and before that, nearly a month and maybe i’ll placebo feel better? probs not)

but like even recently, every. single. fucking. decision. that i make is criticized. “you should get a second job” yeah with what car? and on top of the full time hours i’m already working at my first job? “if you would’ve gotten that second job i told you about, you’d be making so much money” yeah because i’d be working like 80 hours a week you fucking doorknob. it’s acceptable that i don’t hang out often with my friends (lol not really actually, i get told all the time to get out of the house because my brother is extroverted and social and i’m definitely not) but if i don’t see the guy i’m talking to (i don’t actually know what’s going on with that but i’ll get into that later) every single day, our relationship is trash and he’s abusive and a dickhead and i should be dating other people and finding some trashy clingy fuckhead to date instead who will send me a bunch of emojis and constantly drain my energy. fuck that.

the clothes i wear are all trash apparently. i dress like a slut. just so many horrible things every single goddamn day. but how can i possibly leave? i’m financially dependent on her. if i gtfo, i won’t have a place to live in my home state, i won’t be able to afford college, and i won’t have a phone plan or car insurance that doesn’t cost me a small fortune. if i cut my mom and her mom out of my life entirely like some people suggest, i lose my college education at the school i’m currently going to and enjoy going to, i become homeless, and i lose the benefits of a family phone and car insurance plan, respectively. as badly as i want to and as much as i think i would benefit from it, i cant right now. not to mention, i’d feel like such shit about myself for doing it because i know i’d be guilted by her for “betraying her” or some shit and so many people would tell me how horrible i am for cutting out my own mother. if i already get upset seeing people have happy and healthy family ties, how would i feel if i know i don’t have a mom to even try to reconcile with? it’s harder to cut out family members than some people like to pretend it is.

okay moving on to my friends. i would say i do have some friends. i categorize my friends in very specific and compartmentalized ways because that’s just what helps me draw boundaries and not get too attached to people who aren’t in the appropriate categories. i have acquaintances. acquaintances are people that i know of who also know of me on more friendly than neutral terms. they’re people i would recognize and say hi to if i saw them, maybe. (for my own reference if i get confused, think like david or bree or tegan) i have close acquaintances. close acquaintances are just one step above regular acquaintances. i can have little conversations with them here and there and maybe hang out once or twice, but i wouldn’t entrust them with anything real or beneath the surface about myself in any way, shape, or form. (think cara and kodiak and them) then i have friends. friends are people i enjoy spending some time with, but they’re not people i could have a deep conversation with. like i can hang out with them and have conversations with them but i would never go deep about my personal life, maybe just a little bit. (think lillie or carly). then i’ve got close friends who, as you can guess, are one step above friends. i seek them out and want to hang out with them more than everyone previously listen, for the most part. they’re the people i talk to the most and the people i hang out with the most. i feel more comfortable being honest and open with how i’m really feeling and my struggles (think jayden, carly, jessi, adrianne, skitch, maybe). then i’ve got the best friend tier. that’s the person i’m the most comfortable with. i can tell them absolutely anything without any fear of judgement and i trust them immensely. i don’t feel the need to talk to them all the time or hang out all the time even though i think about them and have them on my mind more than anyone else. that’s literally josh lmao i used to have a best friend, but she was an abusive snake so i cut her out and it was hard and it’s still hard when i see people praising her as if she’s never done anything wrong, but whatever.

the issue with all my friends except for josh is that they don’t understand how i work. i try to talk to my close friends about my issues and they make me feel worse about myself or my struggles. i try to talk to jayden and carly (who are supposed to be my best friends) about my relationship struggles with josh, and i get a “dump his ass, fuck his best friend, and then fuck your way through tinder you hot bitch” as a reply. that’s fucking stupid and self destructive and i’d hate myself absolutely as a result. it’s such an immature response i don’t even think i responded to it lmao or like when i came to them and was like “hey i’m very fragile right now and need support” and carly LITERALLY STARTED A FIGHT WITH ME and told me how i wasn’t doing enough and i wasn’t putting any effort into anything etc etc. my salt vault pals are great people to hang out with and joke with, but none of them do emotions or understand mental illness in the slightest. the best response i’ll get is a “boop” from thomas or an “eat some spaghetti and forgetti” from kellie. maybe if i was just normally sad, but yall come on now i’m clinically and severely depressed. i appreciate the effort, at the least, but lately they’ve all just ignored me when i’ve tried to reach out, so i just shouldn’t do that anymore.

literally the ONLY PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE who is able to make me genuinely feel better is josh. i don’t know how he does it or how he manages to usually find that perfect balance between calling out my bullshit and comforting me, but 9/10 he can get the job done. he says he just talks logically, but he does it in a way that doesn’t get under my skin or belittle me. and god i don’t want to put all my baggage and problems on him no matter how often he offers or tells me to talk to him about anything and everything and although i know i’d be comfortable talking to him about it, i don’t want to scare him away or push him away or like hurt him or affect him in any way because of it. 

but like okay. i know how cheesy and stupid this sounds but my life is always better when he’s in it. before i met him, i was just kind of like existing in misery and i had accepted that i wasn’t going to get better or find actual love and that my closest chance would be to idolize celebrities. and yeah, okay, i did love alex. i could imagine a future with him and i could see us getting married and i cared and stuff (until he started treating me like shit and i fell out of love and realized i had been denying my feelings for josh for a year but WHATEVER), but it’s something entirely different with josh. i met him and even though we were just friends and i thought he was really funny and cute and had a big dorky crush on him, i started feeling myself become happier bit by bit and feeling more confident in myself the more i was around him. i’m sure it wasn’t the only reason, but when he told me he liked me too, it was probably top 5 moments of my life, not even gonna lie. i know how crazy and obsessive it sounds, but that first kiss i had with him i don’t think i can forget. it was the best kiss i’ve ever had and it’s burned into my memory. but i also don’t think i was too obsessive because when he said he loved me in his sleep that one time, i panicked because i wasn’t sure if i felt the same and saying it back wasn’t something i was ready for. i think that makes it more legit. and while when we officially dated things were far from perfect and actually quite shit for both of us, i think what happened was necessary for both of us to grow. i’m still hurting residually from it and he’s still hurting residually from it and i can’t forgive myself for hurting him like that, we’re both different and more understanding people now. he used to not be able to calm me down the way he can now. he used to just kind of feed into my panic and depressive and manic feelings by coming in too hard with calling me out or telling me to suck it up, and i only just got worse in those situations and they escalated into fights. i was mean to him, he was mean to me, and it didn’t work out for us then and there. what hurt me the most was that he fucked me and then stopped talking to me immediately after. i felt like actual garbage. i felt used and mistreated and dirty, and once he had officially left isaac’s and i realized he wasn’t going to talk to me again (despite telling me we could try again when i turned 18), i lost all hope and drive. i didn’t even want to just kill myself, i wanted to torture myself first. i drank all the time, i would skip as much school and class as i possibly could, i gave into my impulsive thoughts and actions, i cut myself all the time, i lashed out and was genuinely cruel and cold to people, i did a bunch of self destructive stuff... and i stalked josh’s social media. then i saw he got a girlfriend and i absolutely lost my shit. i tried to kill myself at least once a week and the days i didn’t try to, i was researching the most effective way to. even after they broke up or whatever (since he said they weren’t actually a couple and just went on a couple dates, so idk whatever i don’t care all that much) i just felt so lost. i applied to college because i wanted to see if getting far away would help me (sidenote: it didn’t on its own) as well as i just had this little gut feeling tugging at me that maybe if i faked it for four years of college and then at a job, i would make it. i think i tried to kill myself over 30 times my senior year of high school + the summer after. then josh fucking liked one of my art instagram pictures and i felt just like waves of confusion and hurt and so many things and it fucked me up again because i thought he was fucking with me.

then he reached out to me once i got out of the mental hospital (like i said, being away from home doesn’t fix the fact that i didn’t give a shit about my life and was indulging entirely in my mental illnesses without even caring to try and better them) and i slowly introduced him back into my life. we started talking again and picked up where we left off when things were good, talking and both obviously changed and matured but still changed and matured in a compatible way. when he fucking told me that he loved me when we were together, i cried. when he told me that he still loved me, i can’t even say what i felt because it was so many positive feelings all at once. i legitimately turned completely around overnight just talking to him ONE TIME. i can’t even tell you why. he even made it clear at that point that he didn’t think we could be in a relationship at that time, but even with that, i still immediately felt better and more in control.

and since we started regularly talking again, overall, i’ve gotten slowly, so much better. i’ve become much more confident and in tune with myself and my emotions. i’ve felt so loved and cared about and respected and appreciated more than i’ve ever felt in my entire life. he made me feel actual nothingness in the most tranquil and serene way when he said “i just want to see you grow as a person and be happy”. it was one of the best feelings of my entire life. in fact, the only times i faltered in this overall was when i was left doubting our relationship/friendship. 

look i know i can’t depend entirely on one person to be my rock, but it’s the only thing that’s ever worked for me. i’ve been to therapy for years, i’ve done medication for years, i’ve tried exercise, dieting, yoga, meditation, and nothing even comes close to helping me the way his presence in my life helps me. i don’t know if i’m being too overwhelming for him and if i am, god i want him to tell me. i don’t ever want to hurt him or stress him out or anything like that. and like honestly, just look at where i was two summers ago compared to now. two summers ago, he didnt text me for a day and i lost my shit. i could only handle three days before i broke. now, i went a year without speaking to him at all and now i can go a week or two without talking to him as long as i see he’s okay and alive. he’s the closest thing to a best friend i have and fuck i really do love him so much. and honestly, everyone gives me so much shit for our “relationship”, but i don’t want anyone else. like duh i’m still attracted to other people and i will always be thirsty for dan howell, but realistically, i don’t want anyone else. the thought of trying to be in a relationship with someone else makes me uncomfortable. i’ve mentioned this before but i did have sex with someone else and although it wasn’t something i really 100% wanted, it opened my eyes because even though it was with someone i am attracted to and have really wanted to have sex with in the past, it was just okay. like all sex is alright, but it wasn’t very far above the bar. the whole time i just wanted to be with josh for a multitude of reasons, including that the sex we have is honestly so fucking bomb every single time. i’ve had the best sex i’ve ever had with him and he’s the only guy that i’ve ever been with who has made it a conscious effort to try and get me to cum despite me being extremely difficult in that way. and he did it once like fuck man you go.

okay anyway that got off topic and although i recognize i still have a lot of work to do, my end goal if i get the chance to continue to be in his life and maybe wonderfully finally be in an official relationship like i’ve wanted for nearly a year at this point (solidly and unwavering, anyway) is to grow so much and gain so much confidence that i have that baseline of love and support that i’ve lacked my whole life to finally have a chance at getting better and being able to hold myself up mostly or completely instead of needing someone else to be there for me not to collapse into oblivion or in on myself. 

but here’s where the overwhelming fear and pain i’ve felt lately is coming from. i’m so afraid he’s leaving me again. i absolutely can’t handle going through the worst point in my life all over again. i understand that he’s got a lot going on, and i’m more than willing to give him his space, and maybe i’m just overthinking or giving into my anxiety and paranoia and intense fear of abandonment... but when he’s posting on social media and liking things like he’s totally fine or especially replying to other people and not reaching out to talk to me, it makes me feel like i mean nothing to him anymore. i know i need to have trust but i’m still hurting from the last time he left me and the only thing that eases that pain is when i feel more secure and can actually talk to him. and i recognize that he’s very kind to me when we’ve spoken and it seemed almost like when i first reached out to him that he wanted to keep talking to me, but the last time it seemed more like he was just trying to be polite. once again, maybe i’m reading into it but i’m so so so afraid of losing him again. not even so much so afraid of losing my chance at happiness but losing this amazing human being and not being able to watch him grow and really love himself is something i absolutely don’t want. and maybe i’ve just been really stupid hoping for a relationship after he’s said time and time again that he doesn’t want one, but i really think that he’s just struggling with some stuff and he’s afraid of being in a relationship and getting hurt again, but i won’t push. i’m more than content loving him and supporting him as just a friend from him perspective or whatever. i just really don’t want to lose him.