#so i just had to squat w it (even tho the drum was too big for me sjfjksjd im fucking 5'1)

[ii-zi]

Truthfully can't remember ever not being sick. Afaik I've been "sickly" since birth; this meaning I'd get sick a couple weeks right after getting "better" of the same thing, having multiple illnesses afflicting my body, being sick for months at a time, etc.

Literally just last year I was (and still am) continuously "sick" to the point of barely functioning for over 7 months. I was only "functioning" because I completely disregarded both my mental health and the toll it'd have on my body just so I don't "fall behind" on life lol. I wouldn't even know I actually got COVID if it wasn't for my family all getting sick too due to how the life altering symptoms are so similar to what I'd experience in a mildly bad day.

A couple months (?) ago I saw that post about the "pain index" for hospitals. I actually knew about it beforehand? But what i learnt sorta put it in perspective. It's like a 1-10 scale for when you go to ER (emergency room) and have to describe you pain to the doctors. Can't remember exactly how it went but it was something like "barely ever exist, not aware of it most of the time/doesn't affect" to "can't move bc of it can't think of anything else". The same post went on a tangent about how abled/not chronically ill people have a base index of 0. Which means that, in a un-injured, resting state, the pain they constantly experience is 0. 0. No pain inflicted as a secondary reaction to existing. It hit me somewhat hard, bc at first i thought "yeah that's normal", but quickly i realized it was not my personal experience: the fact that I can ("can") regularly function (i.e. force myself to) doesn't mean I don't experience it. At this point people just don't believe be bc I "can't possibly be in pain/going thru something all the time"

I don't remember ever not being in pain. I've had to, since the very first moment of my existence, make several extra efforts to function quasi-effectively in the same way others do on a regular basis. When normal people experience the symptoms I'd have in a good day, they'd usually call in sick: stop momentarily their busy lives to recover (and with good reason) not only due to how taxing it's for the body, but also because of how hard it is to simply function as a normal person under said conditions.

I know the "world isn't fair" and all that kinda stuff we're always told, but why do I have to perform up to a regular standard when I gotta start in such a disadvantaged position?

The most realistic outcome I could get out seeking a diagnosis would be debt because I'm also fucking poor a "minor" bothersome issue (ex. gastritis) and a "keep pushing" lol. The next best thing would be a "chronically ill but Fit to Work".

I've had to force myself, since the very beginning, to function minimally like the others, overstressing my mind, over abusing my already pained body. I'll never be "allowed" to perform on even terrain, but i am permanently expected to get not only similar, but excelling results so I can "prove" I'm still "worth it" because of all the same shit that makes it all so difficult.

Not only i want a fucking rest, but the permanent option of taking one whenever I fucking need it