#so i have to agree. josh and chris. would. love. that goddamn movie.

[queenofbaws]

Hey so totally random here but did you ever see that cheesy Stay Alive movie about the videogame? Because I feel like Josh and Chris would love it

“Ah, the one benefit of having a disgustingly rich friend...all the swag that comes with it...”

Josh swung around with perhaps a touch less grace than usual, still not entirely used to the bulky VR headset; he thought he was probably facing Chris, but until his avatar popped up, it was really more guesswork than anything else. “The one benefit, huh Cochise?”

“Just the one,” he guffawed, only for his laughter to give way to impressed oohs and ahhs as the game (finally) booted up, “Oh man, this shit is insane - I am so gonna get motion sick and barf all over your living room...”

“You barf on this new shit and I swear to God it’ll be the last thing you do...” the threat was delivered with a smack that missed the first time, and just barely managed to clip something solid the second time.

“Augh, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me - ” and then, because it had literally never been more relevant until that moment, both of them pitched their voices up into dramatic horror movie shouts, wailing, “If you die in the game, you die for reeeeeeeeeal!”

six sentence sat(or)sunday!!!

[pricemarshfield]

our love is perfect

A pre-canon Climbing Class fic. Read on AO3 here.

"Dude," Josh says. "Look, I know this isn't really your thing, but trust me. The special effects alone make it great."

"Ugh, that's gonna be all gore and shit?" Chris says with a groan, flopping back against the couch. "That is something I don't like about horror, dude."

"There's also hot chicks," Josh says.

Chris glares at his friend. "Okay, but I know your taste in movies. Do the hot chicks all die horribly?" Josh doesn't answer. "Okay, I know what that means. Pass."

"We'll watch one of your shows next time!" Josh says. "Whatever nerd crap you're into."

"Nerd crap," Chris mutters. "You know nerds are cool now, right? Superhero movies are huge, video games are big now--"

"Okay, okay," Josh says. "Is that a yes? I'll watch Star Trek or Xena or whatever."

"Ashley's the one who likes Xena," Chris says absent-mindedly. "Ugh, fine. If I throw up or can't sleep tonight, you're paying for my therapy."

"Therapy," Josh says with a scoff. "It sucks."

Chris isn't exactly sure how to respond to that, given the whole everything that happened a few months back, but sighs. "Fuck it, let's watch your show."

---

Fifteen minutes into the first episode, Chris tries to wrestle the remote away from Josh. "You cannot seriously like this."

"What? Fuck you, bro, the special effects are so good," Josh says.

Chris gags, mostly-voluntarily. "Exactly? It's so gross, man. Worse than that plant scene."

"That one's pretty bad," Josh agrees, though he looks annoyed to concede the point. "But c'mon, the show's good. You can watch at least one episode."

"No fucking way," Chris says, but then Josh hands him another brownie, and the show might not be too bad if he's completely out of his mind the whole time.

---

After the end of the first episode, Chris stares blankly at the screen, only vaguely processing what's happening.

"See?" Josh says. "Good, right?"

"What plot twist even just happened?" Chris asks. "The principal? With the gun? And the guidance counselor? That's--"

"One of the best murder-suicides on TV," Josh says happily.

"How many murder-suicides on TV have you watched?" Chris asks suspiciously. Josh doesn't answer. "So what happens?"

"I'm not gonna tell you," Josh says with an eyeroll. "Watch more of the show."

Chris groans. "I'm too out of it. Another time."

"You're just gonna avoid watching the show," Josh says. Chris doesn't say anything to defend himself, because he's not a very good liar when he's high.

---

Six more episodes in, Josh wakes up to see Chris, fully leaning towards the screen. "Wht's up? You switched the show?"

"Shut up, dude," Chris says, eyes fixed on the screen. "I want to see what happens."

"The break-up scene?" Josh asks, and Chris punches him in the shoulder.

"What the fuck? Spoilers, dude!"

"Told you you'd like it," Josh says. "Scoot over, I want to sleep."

"Nah, lemme pause it," Chris says. "Gimme the blanket, your house is too fuckin' cold."

"We're not cuddling with this show on in the background," Josh says, and Chris can't quite read his tone voice.

"After spoilers? Yeah, we are," Chris says, like maybe if he says it casually, Josh won't realize that it's a big deal, and he can be there for his friend and stay warm. A brilliant plan.

"Whatever, dude," Josh says. "Get under here."

Chris lies down, not quite touching Josh but about as close as he can get to it without making it obvious he's avoiding it, which would prompt questions why, and again, he's not a very good liar when he's high.

"Can't believe you care about the characters when it's got some of the best monster design since the 80s," Josh says.

Chris feels a rush of affection. "Pretentious douchebag."

Josh only replies with a little huff of breath that could almost be a snore.

"Good night," Chris says.

(He does have trouble sleeping. Good characters, sure, but that show's so goddamn gory.)

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: AVENGERS - INFINITY WAR

OH GURL, I finally saw Infinity War! Yes, I’m a full week late to this party but y’all know I had to wait that long to see this with MoviePass. Was it worth the wait? Decidedly: no. I mean, it’s the Marvel Universe and and the wigs are always terrible! But the twist here is: SO WAS THE ENTIRE MOVIE. LET’S DISCUSS.

SO MANY SPOILERS AHEAD.

Straight up: this movie is about jewelry. The only other movie I have wasted so much time at that devoted so much time to jewelry was Titanic and it’s hard to say which movie I hated more? I guess still Titanic but I honestly don’t know. They are both really long, cost way too much money, and involved deaths that didn’t need to happen. So that’s the whole thing with Infinity War, right? We were promised that beloved (?) characters would die and they do but also NOT REALLY. BUCKLE UP FOR THE MOST EXHAUSTING RECAP OF NONSENSE EVER.

So blah blah blah Thanos is this intergalactic psychopath “played by” Josh Brolin but mainly played by a computer, as with most characters in the Marvel Universe. Anyway, he needs to get all 6 infinity stones to complete his blinged out Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget hand. 

That is basically the entire plot of the movie. Thanos is basically Liberace but slightly less gay and with no apparent piano playing abilities who I guess hates overpopulation and is a complete psychopath? You do the math on this one.

The movie starts exactly where my beloved Thor: Wignarock left off with Loki’s increasingly terrible Disaster Artist locks billowing in the space wind as Thanos demands some effing bling. Tessa Thompson is somehow not there because she has much more important things to do. Loki delivers some infinity stone he just had laying around someplace because sure and promptly dies (?) All deaths in this movie are highly questionable but this one seems possibly legit and I’m fine with it because this wig is terrible and Tom Hiddleston can do better. Same goes for Idris Elba who also dies (?).  I’m very happy that these two handsome men have been freed from the shackles of the Marvel Universe and the bad wigs that go with them. Thor and The Hulk are also there but are somehow spared by Thanos because his deal seems to be only killing HALF the good guys but only sometimes and don’t ask why because you certainly will get no answers. 

Moving on, the Hulk crashlands into Dr. Strange’s olde curiousity shoppe and gurl I can’t even with this lewk. I’m all for capes ALWAYS but this HAIR. There are many jokes about Dr. Strange being a wizard and he does look like a very bad magician always. Anyway he gets the 411 on this bling situation from the Hulk which is troubling since possesses some of that bling. It should be noted that the bling he possesses can alter time and space so you’d think the bling could just protect itself and everyone around it but I guess that is too logical for this movie? So instead he decides to go ask another mad genius with a goatee for help!

OMG GOOP IS BACK. HAHHAHAHAHHA. LOOK AT THIS EFFING WIG. 

YOU CAN SEE THE LINE OF THE WIG WITH HER REAL HAIR UNDERNEATH. Ok, I understand that building entire characters and planets out of computers is $$$ but for the characters that are played by people, could we maybe get a wig assist? MARVEL UNIVERSE FOR SHAME.

But this wig is not long for this Marvel Universe since Iron Man decides to form a goatee alliance with Dr. Strange because of course. Look at these weirdos! Side note: these are absolutely the kind of dudes who always go to see movies at Film Forum. Anyway, Robert Downey, Jr’s dye job alone is very upsetting but THOSE GLASSES. NO.

Anyway, the goatee alliance proves terrible at protecting NYC streets despite the fact that DR STRANGE’S NECKLACE CAN CHANGE TIME OMG JUST USE THE NECKLACE. Instead, Dr. Strange is beamed aboard a spaceship where he is given the worst acupuncture treatment this side of Hellraiser. 

Iron Man and Spider-Man somehow save the day by literally stealing a plotpoint from Aliens and then all three make a lot more stupid movie references while also completely failing at doing anything productive involving highly important timeshifting bling.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Scotland, a Transilvanian Witch and a robot twice her age with a flashlight in his forehead have found love outside a kebab shop. 

BUT NOT FOR LONG because WWII wet rag Chris Evans who inexplicably has given himself a butch makeover and ScarJo in the best hair she’s ever had in the Marvel Universe show up to tell them that they need to destroy said forehead flashlight because it’s one of the bling Thanos needs for his bling claw. This is where all logic really goes out the window. The Avengers refuse to sacrifice the “life” of Robot Paul Bettany for the good of, well, THE UNIVERSE so instead to go find help in extracting the bling AND saving a robot’s life in Wakanda because apparently the only capable person in this entire movie is our gurl Shuri.

Anyway, back in space, The Guardians of the Galaxy save Thor who has just been floating around half dead since Thanos left. This means that Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth meet face to face and they’re definitely the best looking and funniest in the Marvel Universe so fine. Still, Gamora’s upsetting Halloween Adventure wig continues to exist. Look at these guys looking at it. NO. Anyway, the Chris party is shortlived as Thor needs to go get a new hammer.

But who could make a new hammer? PETER DINKLAGE OF COURSE. The episodic nature of this movie already feels like a sci-fi version of Game of Thrones so why not? He’s the best part of that show and this movie, obvs. He plays a giant dwarf (?) created through highly questionable photoshop not unlike my #2 favorite character in Thor: Wignarock - that GIANT EFFING WOLF. Anyway, this is the best picture I can find of his insane mountain man wig which is very awful. Regardless, he makes Thor an axe with an assist from Groot and also an assist from Thor getting a really terrible sunburn to make it all happen. Whatever? OH: also that raccoon gives Thor a new eye which somehow matches his other eye. Bye, eyepatch!

Anyway, The Guardians go to see Benicio del Toro in his batshit crazy space wig which is so terrible as to maybe be amazing. He definitely has given Thanos some bling that alters reality and they fight and blah blah, Thanos ends up stealing away Gamora, aka his adoptive daughter but not before she tells Chris Pratt she loves him! Yay?

Oh but then in order to get the soul bling (which is not what I imagined), he DEFINITELY throws her off a cliff. But is she dead? DEATH IS NEVER CERTAIN ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THAT REALITY BLING SO EVERYTHING CAN BE CHANGED AND WHY ARE WE EVEN STILL WATCHING THIS NOW SINCE THERE ARE NO ACTUAL STAKES.

Anyway, Chris Pratt and co meet up with the goatee/Spider-Man party and everything devolves into “witty” repartee and terrible decision-making. Thanos shows up and that insect chick puts a spell on him but for some reason they don’t use this magic slumber to kill him, just to try to get his bling claw off and they fail because Chris Pratt can’t control his DAMN TEMPER BECAUSE GAMORA IS MAYBE DEAD BUT PROBABLY NOT SO JUST EFFING CHILL DUDE. Anyway, to save Iron Man, Dr. Strange ends up giving up his bling so Thanos only has one bling left to get...dun dun dun.

Back in Wakanda, Paul Bettany’s bling is being extracted by Shuri but meanwhile, they are totally under attack by some horrible space dogs because obvs. Fighting alongside Wakanda’s already awesome fighters are Chris Evans, ScarJo and the Winter Soldier hisself. GODDAMN THAT IS A TERRIBLE WIG. I mean, truly truly truly outrageously bad.

Also outrageously bad? The fact that all of Wakanda is under attack JUST TO SAVE ROBOT PAUL BETTANY. SO MANY INNOCENT WAKANDANS HAVE TO FIGHT AND ARE KILLED BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO KILL A ROBOT AND WHY DID ANYONE IN WAKANDA AGREE TO THIS INSANE PLAN EVEN MICHONNE FROM THE WALKING DEAD. WHAT IN THE VERY HELL. It should also be noted that Black Panther is the only movie in the Marvel Universe that wurqs wig-wise so truly, this is all really plummeting their stock.

So Thor shows up and almost saves the day but then Thanos shows up and then everyone realizes that they have to just destroy this robot anyway to destroy the bling and this was all a huge and terrible waste of time because OBVIOUSLY.

This makes that Transilvanian witch in a horrible horrible horrible red wig that Robot Paul Bettany loves very very sad because somehow a witch is the only person who can destroy bling in this movie which is a plotpoint I appreciate but then she has to also destroy her robot lover but like: IT’S THE ONLY WAY WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST DO THAT BACK AT THE KEBAB SHOP. WHAT IN THE VERY HELL, AVENGERS?!

So then everyone just keeps fighting Thanos even though he is completely unstoppable but like...maybe just fighting him hand to hand will work? (It doesn’t work). Nothing works! Nothing wurqs! The Avengers are completely useless and Thanos just peaces out and then things get completely mindbogglingly stupid:

HALF THE POPULATION OF THE WORLD INCLUDING HALF OF THE AVENGERS JUST DISAPPEARS INTO SMOKE LIKE AN OFFBRAND EPISODE OF THE LEFTOVERS WHICH I’VE NEVER SEEN AND DEFINITELY WON’T NOW.

Huh? Yes, this was Thanos’s plan all along! But obviously, these deaths are not real! I can’t even tell you who got whisked away and who didn’t because one of the people blown away was Black Panther and THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THEY ARE ACTUALLY KILLING OFF BLACK PANTHER. Also before he’s blown away, Dr. Strange says something about how this was the only way (after earlier doing like 14 million calculations) so clearly: they win in the end.

But not the end of THIS movie. No! No! The Marvel Universe refuses to be self contained to one movie. So the whole thing just...ends! For now! Like one big hanging chad of death until the next Avengers movie (A YEAR AWAY) when definitely everyone will live again. THE MARVEL UNIVERSE JUST MADE DEATH NOT A REALITY AND WASTED ALL OUR TIME IN THE PROCESS. There has not been a more ridiculous cliffhanger ending to a movie since The Empire Strikes Back and absolutely both endings are true garbage filmmaking THERE I SAID IT. 

At this point, I ask myself: HOW MANY DAYS HAVE I LOST TO THE MARVEL UNIVERSE? How many overlong movies have I watched to prepare for other overlong movies THAT DON’T HAVE AN ENDING? HOW DOES THIS CYCLE CONTINUE? WHEN WILL WE BE DONE? NEVER! BECAUSE WE’LL KEEP SEEING THEM BECAUSE WE DON’T VALUE OUR TIME AND BECAUSE WE’RE GARBAGE PEOPLE. THE END.

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ