#so i had this idea the other day while (re)watching moana...

[harljordan]

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” 

[trauma-13]

You know the drill. All them asks. 😈 (is this deja vu?)

You got it dude!! (It is...cause I fucked up 😂)

The meaning behind my url:

Trauma because it's my favorite area of nursing.

Princess because I'm a fuckin princess.

93 because the year I was born.

A picture of me:

If you look hard enough you'll find one on here. Also my icon is me soooo.

How many tattoos i have and what they are:

Oh good lord. I have quite a few....

1. Mom's last name on my left wrist.

2. Flowers on my right foot.

3. Tribal-ish heart my brother drew on the back on my neck.

4. Walt Disneys signature on my left foot.

5. Mickey and Minnie behind my ears.

6. A prior dogs paw print on my left ankle.

7. A dandelion on my right shoulder blade with music notes.

8. My dog, Axel, paw prints on my collar bones.

9. A moon on my right ankle.

10. A semi colon on my right wrist (ulnar side)

11. A arrow on my right wrist (radial side)

12. A humming bird on my right forearm.

I think that's it... for now...

Last time i cried and why:

I dunno, honestly. I cry frequently hahah

Piercings i have:

Labret/Monroe

Ears gauged to a 00.

Traugus both sides

Right sided daith.

Nipples.

Favorite band:

Sooo many. Currently imagine dragons.

Biggest turn offs:

Bad hygiene, liars, cheats, narcacists.

Top 5 (insert subject):

???

Tattoos i want:

Too many to list, honestly.

Biggest turn ons:

I'm a big physical touch person, so basically anything where I'm being touched.

Age:

26

Ideas of a perfect date:

Doing something totally new that neither of us has experienced.

Life goal:

Pediatric ICU trauma nurse, be a mom, be a good wife.

Piercings i want:

Maybe my left daith. Probably a 2nd lobe hole.

Relationship status:

Very happily engaged.

Favorite movie:

Steel magnolias (the old one), Moana, Mean Girls.

A fact about my life:

I'm a nurse, I work in the ER and medsurg/tele, I have 2 doggos, and 2 kittens, I'm practically married at this point, I live on the surface of the sun.

Phobia:

Spiders, failure.

Middle name:

I'ma pass on telling the world that.

Height:

5'6" with shoes on.

Are you a virgin?

Naaah.

What’s your shoe size?

Between 9-10 depends on the shoe and brand.

What’s your sexual orientation?

I am bisexual, however I'm in a heterosexual relationship.

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?

Drink yes, no to the others.

Someone you miss

@car-one-responding

What’s one thing you regret?

Suffering in an abusive relationship because I didn't think I had a way out.

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:

Chris Evans.

Favorite ice cream?

I'm honestly not a big ice cream person, but we have some delicious basil-lime sorbet from a local store that I'm obsessed with.

One insecurity:

Weight.

What my last text message says:

"I re sent it. Just delete the other one I guess? Lol" from @car-one-responding in reference to this cause I done FUCKED IT UP.

Have you ever taken a picture naked?

Mmmmhhhhhmmmmm.

Have you ever painted your room?

Not recently at all, but as a kid yeah.

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?

Yep, couple times.

Have you ever slept naked?

I usually do.

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?

Almost every day hahah

Have you ever had a crush?

Duuuh, who hasn't hah

Have you ever been dumped?

Aldo duuuh.

Have you ever stole money from a friend?

Nope. I'm a very honest person.

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?

Hmm. Probably.

Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Does patients attacking count?? I didn't punch, but I got punched.

Have you ever snuck out of your house?

Yep.

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

I think just about everyone has.

Have you ever been arrested?

No. Im from a tiny Town where my dad was a cop, mom was a nurse. So everyone knew me.

Have you ever made out with a stranger?

No I don't think so.

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?

Like...in a sexual way? Or like hung out? If so yes to both hah

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?

Yeah, however I'm a pretty open person. I usually tell my mom where Im going. She raised me as a single mom, and I had a lot of freedom as long as I was open and honest with her. That's just transferred into adulthood.

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?

No. But I purposely became friends with an old neighbor cause he had a cute ass dog named Max.

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?

Yep. Got busted too haha

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?

Uh huh! It's called sleep overs, duh aha

Have you ever seen someone die?

Unfortunately, that's part of my job. Not everyone gets saved in the ER. Plus in the hospital where I work there is a very large group who has very strict rules about death, so frequently we admit people to die either to the floor if we suspect it'll be a couple days, or the ER if we think it'll be quick. Death can be a beautiful process, or it can be horrific, and traumatizing...just depends how ya look at it.

Have you ever been on a plane?

Yeah quite a few times!!

Have you ever kissed a picture?

Honestly what little girl didn't kiss a picture of Leonardo DeCaprio...

Have you ever slept in until 3?

Bro I'm a mid/nightshifter. Weird sleep schedules are my life.

Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now?

Weirdly worded question. But yes I have loved, yes I do miss people.

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?

Yes!! It's one of my favorites. I also love to watch the stars.

Have you ever made a snow angel?

Yeah!!! It's super fun!!

Have you ever played dress up?

Yeah!!

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?

Queen of attempting to cheat at games and failing miserably 🙋‍♀️

Have you ever been lonely?

Mhmm. Side affects of working away from my family.

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?

I'm forever sleepy, so yeah.

Have you ever been to a club?

Yeah couple times!

Have you ever felt an earthquake?

Once as a kid. I don't remember much of it besides it waking me up, and I woke up my mom because I didn't know what it was. I was maybe 7?

Have you ever touched a snake?

I love snakes. They're such cool animals.

Have you ever ran a red light?

That may or may not be why I didn't have a drivers license for 3 yrs.

Have you ever been suspended from school?

Nope 😏 I did get temporarily kicked out of nursing school and fought my way back in though. That's a tale for another time.

Have you ever had detention?

Once, for chewing gum.

Have you ever been in a car accident?

Yeah, nothing serious though. *knocks on all the wood*

Have you ever hated the way you look?

I feel like everyone has, unfortunately.

Have you ever witnessed a crime?

1. I live where I live, it's a regular occurrence. We don't carry a gun for no reason.

2. Used to work in the heart of the ghetto.

3. Used to live 5 mins from there.

Safe to say I've seen a crime or two.

Have you ever pole danced?

One drunken Halloween, yes.

Have you ever been lost?

Physically not emotionally? Yes to both haha

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?

I have yeah!!

Have you ever felt like dying?

Yeah, on quite a few occasions I don't talk about.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

Yep.

Have you ever sang karaoke?

Again, drunken Halloweens.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?

Im sure I have.

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?

Yes I have, it's not fun.

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?

Hmm.....I don't actually think so.

Have you ever kissed in the rain?

Yes!!

Have you ever sang in the shower?

Every single time.

Have you ever made out in a park?

Mhmm!

Have you ever dream that you married someone?

Yes, and I'm marrying him in a little over a month.

Have you ever glued your hand to something?

My other hand hahah

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?

No..but not for lack of trying.

Have you ever gone to school partially naked?

Uh, no haha

Have you ever been a cheerleader?

Nah, I was a band geek.

Have you ever sat on a roof top?

Yes, it's a great time.

Have you ever brushed your teeth?

I want to say "who hasn't" but we all know there's those people who haven't...

Have you ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?

Sometimes, yes.

Have you ever played chicken?

Not huh.

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

Probably so.

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?

Yep.

Have you ever broken a bone?

A few yeah. My nose, jaw in 3 places, my tail bone, my ankle.

Have you ever been easily amused?

Have you met me....

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

Like 45 mins ago hahah

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?

Yep, regularly occurs in my house.

Have you ever cheated on a test?

Probably way back in the day, but I don't remember anything specific. I'm a pretty honestly person, so if I don't know it, then oh well.

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?

Every fucking day of my life!

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?

Not quite sure...?

Give us one thing about you that no one knows.

Once upon a time, I was like 13 or 14. I was hanging out with my mom while she cooked dinner and eating a carrot. I suddenly sneezed. I then had a carrot chunk stuck in my sinuses. I could feel it, but mom didn't believe me. So for 3 days straight I blew my nose constantly. And I finally got the carrot chunk out.

[heyitsransom]

a very (tired) boy & an extremely (caring) girl.

I put away your laundry – Rory is going to be watching Timmy and Savvy this afternoon – if you’re not too tired after your sixteen-hour shift… please try to say hello to them before you pass out in your old room? Love you baby. See you when I see you. Click.

That was the end of his mother’s voicemail as he soon brought the phone to his view and briefly skimmed through a few of the apps he had opened – birthday reminders filling his notifications and a few tags from the guys he worked with – it had been a busy night shift that had turned into a double easily because one of their coworkers had a family emergency and of course Ransom didn’t have any responsibilities besides checking in on his mother and siblings. You’d sit and wonder why he wasn’t engaged or seeing anyone since most twenty-six year old people were married and starting families of their own, he just hadn’t found that person he wanted to do that dance with just yet and his life style had been a busy one – that was the perk of working in the medical field. You really only had time for work and possibly yourself if you were given that chance – he had no idea how his mother was able to balance both, but she was an amazing person in and out of the work place. It wasn’t long until he rolled up into the parking lot of his childhood home and he could tell that Rory was over by the look of her red Toyota camry that he parked next to – his eyes scanned over how most of her items had been pushed to the passengers seat and how the back seat had been cleared and booster seats were in place – Timmy and Savvy were probably wiped out from their day at school. At least he had hoped they were since he didn’t have the energy to wrestle his younger siblings just yet. He would open the front door with his key and hang up his jacket and re-sling his duffel bag over his shoulder that had contained his uniform from the night before and his electronics to keep him busy through his shift. “Welcome home Rannie!!!” Savvy and Timmy both seemed to chime in unison and would wrap their arms around his waist instantly – Savvy was trying to climb up his body like he was a pole at the park playground and Timmy had decided to wrap his body around his leg in order to be an anchor – it seemed they had both decided to keep him a hostage from slumber. “You got me!” He’d moan in defeat and managed to drag Timmy over to the living room and he had Savvy wrapped in his arms for a hug already. That energy that hadn’t been there before? Ransom found it easily because he knew his siblings missed him and he had this switch inside him that made it easy for him to stay awake at least two hours before he would shutdown and wake up six hours later. They ended up laughing and talking about their day at school and he would watch as Rory made her appearance from the kitchen with pizza rolls and Kool-Aid bursts. A snack that the kids had obviously requested before having supper in a few hours. It wasn’t long until the kids were passed out on the couch for their hour nap and Ransom could feel himself starting to doze off while they watched Moana for the millionth time, Savanna was cuddled at his side of the sectional while Timmy had been cuddled up on the other side next to Rory. And he could feel Rory’s gaze on him while Moana struggled to get Maui to join her adventure to return the heart of te fiti – he would glance over and watch as she cleared her throat and glanced away – like she had only took a second to see what they were doing on their side of the furniture, a smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he soon managed to wiggle freely away from Savvy and covered her with a throw over, he began making his way to his duffel bag and it wasn’t long until Rory was next to him. “How was work?” That was Rory’s usual ice breaker when he got off a double shift because she knew that he would have stories to tell her on his trips in the rig and whether or not they ended up saving anyone in Limbo that day – of course he’d only tell her so much because she was quite aware of the HIPPA violations that were set in place.

“Oof… work was long – Kyle’s wife had gone into early labor so he was put on FMLA immediately – we’re still waiting to hear if everything went good – I’ll probably head over to the hospital after my nap.” Ransom paid attention to how Rory tilted her head and listened to him talk – like she was genuinely intrigued by what he had to say – even though most of it could easily blend in with the rest of his stories he had already told her. He would slump his shoulders once more to show evidence of how exhausted he had been and soon a yawn left his body as he shook his head in a way to shake it off. “What about you? It’s got to be busy inside the morgue… anything hard to work with lately?” He would watch her eyes light up that he had obviously wanted to know how she had been. It was obvious as day was light and night was dark that Rory had a crush on him since day one and a few of the guys he worked with had asked him what he had done to get her so stuck, he would shrug like usual because he wasn’t entirely sure himself. Granted he hadn’t been like the other Deschaine boys in their familial clan… he had no reason to avoid the cops, although he had been stopped a few times just to see if he had any ties with his other cousins. He only had time for his grandma Fancy and on occasion saw his grandpa Des – most times he had been too busy with work to even attend family related events. “You know – I would take people who die naturally over unnatural ways… they’re a bit easier to dress up and make viewing for the families so much better. But I can’t control how they come in – just how they leave the building.”

Aurora had been so wise for her age and he nodded his head – knowing that this discussion could go deeper than what they were anticipating, he begins to part his lips to speak but is interrupted by her. “You should sleep, your mom told me you worked a double and although it’s admirable you kept yourself awake to at least get half way through Moana – I think the kids would like to see you before they have to go to bed again… I’ll have something a little bit better than pizza rolls prepared for dinner.” A sleepy chuckle escaped his lips once more as he nodded his head, reaching over to give her a hug as a way of thanks – he could feel her catch her breath but didn’t want to make a thing of embarrassing her over it  – soon disappearing into his room to catch his long awaited coma – he wouldn’t wake up till at least 7pm and that would be to say goodnight to the kids and eat whatever Rory conjured up.

[kissofgallifrey]

An Audience with David Tennant

My eyes hurt like hell, but I promised you this over a week ago so it’s about time I finished going over it and post it.

(Skip to the second line-breaker (that’s its name?) if you want to go straight to the Audience with David Tennant, I just wrote the experience of the whole day. There are some bits of David before though)

Saturday saw the second and final day of the Adam Smith Festival of Ideas in Kirkcaldy, which ended brilliantly with a gala screening of You, Me and Him, as well as a sort-of-Q&A event with David Tennant, titled An Audience with David Tennant.

What could possibly go wrong?

I will start by saying there were some frustrations involved with that day. The festival was pretty awfully organised; it seemed the organisers themselves had no idea what was happening (we got some seriously conflicting info before and during the event); the no-photography rule was plain idiotic; and they clearly weren’t remotely prepared for the theatre to be full (for the record, full being just 400 people) or for people’s interest. Everything around the event was pretty frustrating as well – the theatre took forever to respond to emails or messages, and even calling them didn’t give a clear answer about, well, anything.

That being said, even though it badly organised, nobody knew what’s happening and the people who organised it clearly had no idea what was happening half the time, I did have a good time.

Since we’ve been told that David and the gang wouldn’t be walking the red carpet, we didn’t bother coming in to the theatre too early. Not much of an issue, since David, Georgia and Daisy were a bit late and nothing happened for the first twenty-five minutes or so anyway (except for Tenny who walked the red carpet!), but still. Georgia and Daisy really just walked through, and they seemed surprised when someone asked for their autograph or for a photo. It was really sweet – and made me want to grab both of them and say, “Yes, David and David and David, but we care about you, too, and we want to talk to you and hear from you. This is YOUR film, and you’ve both said such beautiful things about it already – what makes you think people don’t care about you?” With their modesty, it probably wouldn’t have mattered, but sometimes I feel like we do need to let them know that.

For David it was a bit more complicated. It took him about ten minutes to do a 1.5 metres (2m tops) red carpet because he was the same beautiful sweetheart he always is, and he literally stopped for every single person. He signed pretty much anything, from Doctor Who stuff to a Postman Pat DVD (“That’s a blast from the past!” He said with a grin as he did), he took photos with everyone, he stopped to chat and joke at some points. Really, it was the sort of moments that make you look at him and think, “You know, this man is too good for this world.”

He is, but never mind that.

After David finally managed to make it through the crowd (don’t believe the papers, everything was civil and actually a hell of a lot calmer than I’ve seen at the Stage Door), still very calm and smiley and sweet, they all headed down to what I’m assuming is a press room or something like that. We all headed up to the theatre.

They did a short introduction, which I’m not gonna say anything about because there’s a video online already, you can see it here, and then we watched the film. We have been told there will be a Q&A with Georgia after the film, but (there’s a shocker) the theatre apparently got it wrong again, because there was nothing.

Then it was time for the Audience with David Tennant.

In accordance with the running theme of the day, the panel did start later than intended, but I suppose that’s only natural in events like this. Georgia and Daisy sat in the audience (sneaking in…), and then the organisers gave a little speech and called David and Arabella Weir up onstage. You can see a (not too good) video of their entrance here.

It was utterly adorable and I think pretty much everybody in the audience melted when they saw it.

David and Arabella both took their seats and the celebration began.

Arabella opened by joking that she’s going to talk about herself the whole evening and David’s not going to say a word, at which point he nodded (silently and obediently). David, you goofy adorable boy <3

Anyway, the original plan was to have Arabella ask David her own questions, but then they asked the fans to send them questions, and apparently someone thought it’d be a better idea to change it entirely. So instead of several questions from fans, the whole thing turned into a version of a convention Q&A.

The first question was why David chose Kirkcaldy and the Adam Smith Theatre for this, to which David’s response was, “I didn’t choose it! None of this was me!” He continued to say that it’s been a while since he’s been to the Adam Smith Theatre – 27 years, to be precise (“which is amazing, cos I’m only 29 years old”). He was doing a play with 7:84 (he wasn’t entirely sure which one it was, he thought it was The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui), and as they toured in Scotland, they made it to the Adam Smith Theatre for a performance (possibly two, he wasn’t sure).

As David tried to remember the name of the play they did here, someone in the audience (who can say her name herself if she wants to), said the name, and apparently she wasn’t very well heard onstage at first, because David went, “Someone is making noises! Sort of squeaky!” and started sort of looking for the source. Eventually it was found, and when David asked if she was here and watched it she said that she wasn’t, because she wasn’t really born yet… at which point David went, “Thanks!” Once the laughter subsided, he explained (in case anybody missed it) that “this was a voice in the dark telling me they weren’t born 27 years ago…” and added, “Neither was I!”

Arabella then explained that David didn’t choose the Adam Smith Theatre, she asked him to come. David (sweet as always) said that he’s thrilled to return. <3

The next question was what the difference is between working on a TV show in the UK versus in the US. The woman who sent it also had another question, which Arabella said she won’t read, and David went, “I want to hear the other question and I’ll choose.” Arabella said the other question just isn’t interesting, and David immediately turned to the audience and said, “Sorry”, and continued to ask if the woman was in the audience (and thanked her for the question). Is that sweet or what?

In answer to the question, David said it’s pretty much the same (“different accents”, which had everyone laughing), except that they work longer hours in the States (and get paid for working longer hours, since they still have the unions that work very hard to protect their rights and all), there are slightly different rules… it’s very much the same thing, trying to tell a story the best you can… “They have better snacks!” David cut himself off then, finding a new interesting thing. “The Americans are really good with snacks.”

David went on to talk about how in the States they’ve got craft service – which is a whole other department that only focuses on the food. In the UK, he said, if it’s a big production you might get some biscuits, but in the States they’ve got snacks coming through the entire day. “That’s the main difference,” He concluded, to much laughter.

The next question was what the best and worst things about being famous are. David looked at Arabella and went, “I don’t know… you tell me”, and she said that – obviously nobody wants to hear her answer and everyone want his – but the best is that people give you things, and the worst is that they expect things from you that they probably wouldn’t have if they didn’t know you from the telly. David agreed that it’s a very good answer.

David continued to add that it’s an odd thing, when so many people know you and you don’t know them, and it takes some getting used to. “I remember,” He said, “Before I was in that position, you would sort of imagine that was quite an empowering place to be, it felt like something that would give you sort of strength and confidence… and then actually, it’s quite… Like if you walk into a room, and people go, ‘Don’t look round, but there he is’ and they think you don’t notice that – it actually doesn’t give you confidence, it makes you feel rather insecure. It does me, anyway.”

He hurried to add that he’s not complaining, and he’s very humbled by the fact he was able to be a part of telling those stories that brought him into this place, but it does take getting used to. “I’m not gonna tell you how difficult it is, because it’s not, it’s lovely,” He concluded, “But there’s a sort of insecurity in it as well. It can undermine your own sense of self. You just have to be sure of yourself and maybe re-examine who you are and just make sure you know who you are so that it doesn’t send you to the slightly mad place.”

The next two questions were from someone’s kids (at which point David dwell for a moment on her name… it’s very easy to distract him, apparently), the first of which was, who his favourite Disney princess is. As always, David said it feels wrong to choose, but the one he’s spending the most time with currently is Moana, and she’s got some pretty great songs… so he’ll go with Moana.

The second question was when the last time he had diarrhoea was (I swear to god that was the question). David’s face was absolutely indescribably funny. He thought about it and then went, “I want to make sure I give her an accurate answer. I think if someone takes the time to think of a question like that they deserve a factual response.” XD

Eventually, after some thinking, he said he thinks it’s been a few months, but when he was away recently he had the opposite problem, which does happen occasionally when you’re in a different country. But don’t worry, everything is fine now. “Stop me at any time now,” He added, turning to Arabella.

The next question was from a history student, who wanted to know if David could play any historical character, which character it would be. David’s immediate response was, “Did you miss my Richard II?” Which got everyone laughing. He then continued to say that he doesn’t quite know, really. He gave it a moment’s thought, then said that he does have an idea, but it’s very dark, and despite our encouragement he refused to say who it was. :(

He then said that when you’re looking at historical characters, you’re looking for someone who’s done important things, but who was also flawed, because that’s the interesting sort of characters. He said that for instance, he wouldn’t want to play Henry V… except maybe in Henry IV, where he’s trying to find himself and doesn’t really know what he wants. “But I’m too old for that now,” He finished.

Someone from the audience yelled out, “Lady Macbeth!” which got David thinking a bit. He said it’s not exactly a historical character… there is some debate but… yeah, sure, he’ll go with that.

The next question was (the quite common) what’s the weirdest thing anyone had him sign. David went, “Oooh… I’ve signed some stuff,” In a slightly dark tone that had everyone laughing. He said that body parts are pretty weird – there’s a growing trend of people asking you to sign their bodies and then tattooing over it, which he’s done quite a few of. Arabella then asked if he agreed to do that, because she probably wouldn’t, and David went, “Oh, I’d do virtually anything.” ;)

He added that these things do make him a bit worried, because you sign with a sharpie and then people are going over it with a needle… that has got to lead to some sort of a blood poisoning! “But it hasn’t stopped me,” He finished, again making everyone laugh.

Someone asked what the most valuable piece of advice David has ever received as an actor. David thought… and then someone from the audience yelled, “Don’t do Nativity!” David’s expression turned into a living :O emoji (I swear) for at least thirty seconds straight (god that man and his expressions), and eventually he went, “How dare you? It’s the only thing my children think I’m any good in!”

David thought for a long moment before concluding that he doesn’t know and changing the direction of the question – to the acting advice he gives (“Can I turn the question to that?”). He said that people often ask for advice, “In the hope you have some clue… I don’t have a single clue about how to get into it”, but his advice is: be nice, be on time and learn your lines, which you would think is basic, but apparently not.

Arabella said that the best advice she received was that you’ll only know you’re an actor when you’re out of work. She didn’t understand it at the time, but when you’re out of work and you sort of keep pushing onwards, and you keep trying to do it, because you really believe you can do it – then it will come true.

The next question was what class at drama school he hated at the time, but has since found to be useful. David thought about it and then said that there are a lot of things they don’t teach at drama school and they should – like being unemployed, dealing with rejection and doing your taxes (pretty useful). “They should focus more on that because that does take up a lot of an actor’s life, I’d say,” He said.

He continued to think about the question and said that there are a lot of pretty useless movement classes, and pretending to be a sheet of aluminium (I swear he said that), “Which isn’t something I’ve relied on since”. But if you think that stopped him from enjoying, think again.

“The thing is,” He said, “I was pathetically keen at drama school. I don’t apologise for that, because I was very delighted to be there, I went in straight from school, I didn’t even do sixth year, so I was very young and very green, naïve, and quite immature, probably, at the time. So there wasn’t anything about it I didn’t like. I just thought it was all brilliant, because I got to do all day this thing that I’ve been dreaming of doing, I didn’t have to do maths anymore.” (cue laughter) “So there wasn’t anything that I regretted learning at the time, I was sort of drinking it all in.”

But looking back, he thinks it’s all probably been useful on some level… maybe apart from the sheet of aluminium. And some of the gavotte classes… at which point he gave us a little demonstration. “You see,” He added, “It all becomes useful!”

At this point someone from the audience called out, “Do your sheet of aluminium!” David explained that in fact, that was a group exercise in a visiting lecture… “Should I say her name?” He wondered. Despite our encouragement, he decided not to. “She’s dead now,” He said, to much laughter. “No, I mean, she’s actually dead now.” The response to that was, of course, a general “aww”… at which point he said, “You don’t know who she is, you don’t care!” (cue more laughter)

Anyway, she did these masterclasses – which were all about shaming them about how bad they were in their movement classes, really – and after they failed at yet another thing, the whole sheet of aluminium thing came up. “Drama school’s a funny place,” He concluded. “But it’s a sort of safe place, I suppose. It’s a safe place to try out some quite weird, creative ideas.”

David then said: “I think any kind of creative course has… you have to be allowed to go some quite weird places, to see what kind of fires your synapses, particularly what makes you as a creative person kind of buzz.”

He added that he was lucky because he was very young and not cynical at the time, so he got the best of it. Arabella said then that she taught him cynicism, at which David said, “It’s true. I went to London and Arabella spoiled me, she broke me.” (cue more laughter)

He concluded that that’s how art is, and that’s how art teaching should be – a bit crazy and a bit odd – because that’s what makes people think in ways they wouldn’t have thought of. And that’s why the arts is an important part of education – any education and should be supported.

The following question was a bit emotional – how he felt reading the script for his final episode of Doctor Who and seeing his last line was “I don’t want to go.” :(

“I had a little cry,” David admitted. He said that working on Doctor Who has been a wonderful experience, because it was such a great character, and the scripts were always so brilliant, and saying goodbye to that was very bitter-sweet. And then to be given that final line is very emotional. “I didn’t see it coming,” He said, “But then you sort of think, ‘how could it have been anything else?’”

David was also asked if there was a biographical film of his life, who would portray him? He said that he thinks Nicholas Lyndhurst.

The next question was whether he has a favourite character. Someone from the audience said Davina, and David went, “Oh, that’s old school.” David and Arabella then explained (for anyone who doesn’t know) it’s the transsexual barmaid he played in Rab C. Nesbitt. David then gave his usual response on that: he tries not to choose favourites (of anything, really), because he does change his mind pretty often, and he really kind of feels connected to the last thing he did – that’s what feels special. Since they just did the screening of You, Me and Him, he’s thinking of John at the moment, but it’s really not something that sticks, he doesn’t have one favourite for long.

Following that was another repeating question: what the differences are between stage and screen acting, and which one he prefers. David said he likes the variety and he likes being able to do both – he wouldn’t have given up on either. In terms of differences, the rhythms are very different – in a play you have three hours of intense stuff, whereas in filming there are long days where you do small bits of acting and mainly just “waiting around and drinking tea… and in America, snacks!” So in terms of rhythm, they’re quite different, but screen and stage are very similar, really. “They’re both just an opportunity to pretend to be somebody else,” He concluded, “And convince yourself that that means everything in the world in that moment. It’s all just sort of tricking your brain… thinking yourself into a state of being.”

The next question wasn’t quite phrased right: which three party David would have in his perfect dinner party. Arabella said, “Me”, and David immediately said, “Arabella, my wife Georgia, and Daisy.” (cue “awwww”)

Having gotten that out of the way, they asked whether the person who asked it meant what people from history they’d like to have (important clarification), which was indeed what they meant (“Yes.” “Yes.” “Yes.” “Yes.”). David said he imagines most people who’ve done things in history were probably annoying, but it would’ve been nice to know if they were… like Shakespeare – it would’ve been interesting to know how well-adjusted and what kind of a person Shakespeare was, outside his writing.

Arabella said she’d have liked to have Hitler at a dinner party, because it seems fascinating to talk to someone with that sort of mind set, and David agreed it probably would be, but stated that he’s not sure how much fun that dinner party would be. But as Arabella said, the question didn’t state it had to be fun…

David added that he thinks it would be interesting to meet any person who’s sort of “a moment in history” and see the humanity within them. He also mentioned that he’s both fascinated and bewildered by Donald Trump (gotta agree there).

Next, David was asked whether he’d like a part in Two Doors Down, which he immediately said (somewhat sadly), “It’s not gonna come… I’m still waiting.” He said he’d love to, and it’s a great show.

Arabella then said that one of the writers of it was on a show with David – Terri McIntyre – Classy Bitch (I could listen to David say it all day long; he just had that sort of… like he was doing a movie trailer or something). Arabella said it was funny but it only ever aired on BBC Scotland, and David corrected that it only ever aired on BBC Choice. “I think it was watched by four people,” He said, to much laughter.

Following that was a question about foreign languages: what it’s like to learn lines in a foreign language? David asked the person who asked it (who made a very odd sound as soon as her name was mentioned) whether she was thinking about anything in particular, and she said she was asking generally. He replied that it’s not something he had to do often, but he did do it for The Quatermass Experiment, which they did live on the BBC, and for that he needed to learn a couple of lines in German. He doesn’t know any German – according to him he wasn’t great at French in school either – so he had to learn it phonetically. He didn’t really know what he was saying – he knew the meaning, but he was just repeating it phonetically.

Of course, he was very calm about it… just thinking, “You’re about to have to speak German, which you don’t understand, live on British television. You’re going to get this wrong.” Very David, isn’t it?

He continued to talk about how that moment feels to him. He said it happened to him doing plays, too, and usually quite far into the run of them. “Your brain starts playing tricks on you,” He said. “You’ve done it, I don’t know, seventy-five times, and your brain starts going, ‘No… you’re gonna get it wrong tonight. Those lines that you said seventy-five times? You’re about to forget them. This is all going to go wrong.’ And this is happening while the play is going on, and you’re sort of on an autopilot, and inside your head is this little voice that’s just getting louder and louder … it creeps out the back of your head and you’re just trying to keep yourself calm, but at the same time, while you’re doing the play, you’re composing the speech you’re about to have to make to the audience, where you kinda go, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m terribly sorry, I completely forgot what comes next, this is the end of my career, thank you for witnessing it, I’m going to go offstage and you will never see me again.’”

So during the live performance of The Quatermass Experiment, as his bit of German was coming up, he found himself thinking exactly that, except, not only he’s gonna have to do it in front of a theatre full of people – he’s going to have to do it on live telly in front of the entire nation! “Anyway, it didn’t happen, so…” He concluded happily, making everyone laugh.

The following question was (seriously *rolls eyes*) whether it was awkward to “work with your wife as your daughter”. Arabella immediately said that she wasn’t his wife when she played Jenny (they only just met on the set! Come on, people), and David seemed sort of baffled for a moment before going (in that sort of exasperated-patient-“are you listening to what you’re saying” tone), “I was playing a Time Lord. I was nine hundred and something years old and yet I didn’t look a day over thirty. That’s the conceit of the show.” Then, since Georgia was in the room, he turned to look at where she was sitting and asked, “Would you like to comment on that, wife/daughter?”

Once the laughter subsided, he continued to say that they had a lovely time. “She wasn’t my wife then,” He continued, returning to the earlier tone, “She was just my pretend daughter. And it’s not weird, because I was a Time Lord. And… it all worked out. She’s a little bit younger than me. She’s not that much younger than me. It’s not weird.”

And continuing with another question that probably shouldn’t have been asked, someone from the Fife Cultural Trust (which is probably the reason it was asked) asked what DC/Marvel character David would like to play. David went, “Have you not seen Jessica Jones?”

The next question was whether there’s a role David auditioned for and didn’t get that he think he should’ve. David immediately went, “All of them!” Once the laughter subsided, he added, “It’s just that other people didn’t agree with me.”

Turning serious, he said that he can’t think of something specific. He said that you just sort of go into an audition hoping for the best. On the one level, he said, you think it’s definitely yours, but on another you don’t think you’re worthy of anything. “But maybe that’s just me.” (cue “awwww”)

Someone from the audience mentioned that David said Georgia was auditioning other men (for the role of John, which isn’t technically true, because he didn’t say they auditioned, but never mind). David went, “Yeah, my wife’s always auditioning other men.” When the laughter quieted down, he looked at the direction of Georgia and said, “And that’s an ongoing thing? I’m discovering something now!”

Once the laughter stopped, Arabella cleared that the person talking was referring to what he said about them trying other actors for the role of John in You, Me and Him. David said that he doesn’t think they actually auditioned anyone else – “It wasn’t an audition as much as trying anybody else who wasn’t me.”

The next question, from another person in Kirkcaldy (to which David enthusiastically said, “Home crowd! Home crowd!”), was whether he got to keep anything from Doctor Who after leaving. David said that he was given a wooden box that was made by the prop man, which had an indentation for the sonic screwdriver and the psychic paper, and a couple other things. It was really beautiful, and from the way David talked about it, I imagine quite touching.

Another question was which of his roles has given him the greatest life lesson. David thought for a while, saying that it’s a very good question and this is pretty hard to know. Someone yelled out “Don Juan”, and David went, “I don’t know what the life lesson was in Don Juan.”

Anyway, David said that it’s pretty hard to know, because you sort of learn from everything you do. “Anything where you kind of walk in another other human being’s shoes, whether for real or for the purposes of a role…” He explained. He then added that it depends on what you mean by “life lesson”. In terms of “good to know”, he had to learn a bit of guitar playing for Campbell, so that was pretty good. But in terms of deeper understanding?

“I don’t know. I suppose anything that makes you examine your relationship with life and mortality… It’s probably hard to get past something like Hamlet for that because it makes you think about grief and being a human being, and how much you value your own life and other people’s lives, and that’s a very fundamental question. But I think the act of pretending to be someone else is continually illuminating, whoever this person might be, because it makes you consider a different viewpoint, which is something we all should be doing all the time, I guess, and I get to do it as my job, so I’m very lucky,” He concluded.

The next question was about Casanova – whether it was as much fun as it looked, and whether he considers it to be his “stepping stone for Doctor Who”. David replied that it was very fun, and that it was sort of his audition to Doctor Who. He told the old story, of how it was created by Russell and Julie, and while they were shooting it they actually started looking for someone to replace Christopher Eccleston, and it’s pretty much because of Casanova that they even approached him.

Arabella then asked whether they’d already been thinking about him before Casanova, and David said that not to his knowledge, particularly since they already had a Doctor. Things changed pretty quickly, and as a result of working on Casanova the opportunity for Doctor Who came along – but to this day he doesn’t know what the process was, what was said or at what point they even started thinking about him.

The girl who asked the question shouted that it’s her birthday, and David sort of looked at her, all, “Okay, what do you want me to do with it?” (those faces of his) for a moment, and then eventually went, “What do you want me to do? Do you want cake or something?” Being the sweetheart that he is, though, after the laughter stopped, he said, “Happy birthday. Many happy returns.” <3

The next question was about Secret Smile (“What was he? He was a stalker?” “He was a nutter, yeah”). Arabella started by explaining a bit about the mini-series (I think is the right term?) and David’s character, and then she started, “So the question is-“ only to be cut off by David who went, “Is that really you?” (cue more laughter)

Anyway, the question was what David’s reaction was to reading the character and how he got into the mind set for it. David’s response was absolutely beautiful (although for the most part not new). “The thing is, playing sort of nutters and the crazy people and people who are disturbed, it’s all… there’s something quite liberating about it. Because you get to dabble in the darker corners of psychology there within a very safe environment, of course, because it’s not that you become that person, it’s not like you have to live your life like that, but you get to sort of see what that might feel like. You get to kind of… obviously, in very sort of fictional terms, you get to kind of… sniff that world. You get to go to quite dark places, whilst knowing it’s safe and whilst knowing you’re not actually hurting anyone, so they’re kind of delicious characters to get a go at, because they go to places that you as a human being would never go. So there’s an acting challenge in it that is very appealing, and also, it’s quite intriguing to see what that feels like, even in a fictional framework.”

Another old question that popped up again: what’s David’s favourite episode of Doctor Who that he was in, and why. David once again said it’s hard to pick favourites, particularly because there are different levels, so there are different episodes that fit as favourites in those different levels. For instance, on the personal-emotional level, an episode that’s very important to him is The Doctor’s Daughter, because that’s where he met Georgia. “My life had been very different if that had never happened, so that completely changed the trajectory of everything that I now have, so it’s hard to see past that.”

Arabella then mentioned something about her favourite episode, and David said he’d like to know which it was, so she said it was the episode she was in. David looked at her and went, “I wasn’t in it.” And she just said, “Yeah, I know.” (cue laughter) She did mention that until she finally got a part in Doctor Who (not with David, which wasn’t fair), her kids said that David wasn’t in it, so it doesn’t count. (aww)

Following that, David was asked which character he played he connected to the most on an emotional level. David thought about it for a moment, and then said that there are different meanings for “connecting on an emotional level” – it can be someone who’s the most like you, or someone you feel empathic towards. He added that every character that’s well written is easier to connect to, really.

Arabella suggested Campbell (Bain, from Takin’ Over the Asylum <3), and David thought about it and said that he certainly connected to Campbell in a way. He went on to talk about Dave, from Single Father, which was very emotional to him – and that was even before he was a father himself. He added that if he did it now, he’d probably be better in it – but he’d probably find it unbearable, too. It was an imagined situation back then, but now that he has children and a family, it would become something so much more – which would make it even more difficult, so to do something like that now would probably be “almost too much”.

The next question was whether Walt (in the newly announced HBO comedy Camping) is an American. David said that he thinks so, but they haven’t started yet, so who knows.

The next question was about David saying that his obituary would have to be written in Tardis blue. The person who sent it continued and asked, if he had a choice, what would he prefer to be remembered for? David replied that he thinks he said something about Doctor Who being the first line of his obituary; saying it’d be Tardis blue was probably just being poetic. (“Or geeky,” said Arabella)

Following that, David was asked, what was it like to work with Jodie Whittaker? David (dead serious and very dramatic) replied, “Awful. She’s terrible. It’s unbearable!” Once the laughter stopped, David turned serious and replied that she’s lovely, and he’s had a great time working with her. “I’m sure everyone working on Doctor Who would say the same,” He concluded, to many cheers from the audience.

Another familiar old question followed: is there a Shakespeare role David would love to do? David went, “Of course! Loads of them.” He mentioned Iago in Othello and Angelo in Measure for Measure, and Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. He concluded that there’s a long list… “And then when I’m old there’s a whole other list.”

The next question was about having to be sad/to cry while doing a scene. The person asked how he does it when he has to. David said that it depends on the circumstances – “In an ideal world, it comes out of a naturally occurring moment, when something feels real enough that it takes you somewhere emotional,” He explained. But in other cases, you learn to fake it. Arabella added that sometimes they give actors eye drops, and David agreed that sometimes they just put things in your eyes to make you cry (saying “cry” in his most Glasgow-boy accent).

Another question was if there’s ever been a role David hasn’t done and would love to do. Someone suggested James Bond, but David immediately said he’d be rubbish in it, although he would love to play a Bond villain – that would probably be fun. “I’d like to have my own volcanic lair,” He stated, to much laughter.

The next question was another old familiar one: does David prefer to play good or evil? David’s response was the same as always – that you shouldn’t categorise them. “It shouldn’t be binary,” He said. “Ideally, you shouldn’t really judge any of your characters as good or evil. You should just be that person, do what they feel they have to do. I don’t think human beings believe themselves to be good or evil, particularly – most of us believe ourselves to be good, or at least, hope we are. I think most of us come from that place. Maybe some of us fear we’re not. We’re probably all somewhere on that spectrum in between, not quite sure what we think and worry that we might not be as good as we hope to be or aim to be. So I think it’s dangerous to prejudge a character.”

He added that with someone like Kilgrave, it’s hard not to see him as a villain, because of the things he’s done, but you’ve got to see that person’s point of view – you’ve got to come from their world and see how they think and why they do what they do. You just have to try not to think about it in a binary way. “Inevitably, characters are placed in storylines to do certain things,” He added. “My job as an actor is to try to make sense of this.” (Arabella agreed and added that once you hate your character, it’s very hard to do anything with it, so you’ve got to try and look at it from the character’s perspective).

Another familiar question: what role have you most enjoyed? David immediately said, “All of them, all the time.” He continued to say that the “favourite” questions are hard, because it feels like you’re comparing roles, “like you’re putting them in a league table”, and the thing is, whatever job it is you’re doing at the moment is the one you’re the most engaged with, so naturally it comes up as a “favourite” and it feels like the biggest thing there is. “Because that’s the conceit of it, that’s part of the job, really,” He said, “You’ve got to give yourself to it as wholeheartedly as you can.” So naturally, each job you do at the moment is the biggest and most important and “favourite”.

The final question of the evening was actually… my question! Surprisingly (I’m not sarcastic, it really was a surprise).

Arabella started saying that this seems like a good question to end with, at which point we all went, “Ohhh”. She looked at us and went, “I’m sorry but that has to be it.” David looked at her and immediately said, “No, we’re gonna stay here all night until all these questions are answered!” Surprisingly, we all cheered. ;)

Anyway, after certain amount of doubting the truth of the question from Arabella (what, me, angry? Nooooo), she finally started reading it.

“You often talk about your own insecurities, and the fear of being ‘found out’-“

“Yes.”

“-Of not being good enough-“

“Yes.”

“-Yet you constantly put yourself out there for appraisal and criticism.”

“I know, it’s pathetic, isn’t it?” (Try incredibly brave, David.)

“How do you avoid letting those fears get in the way of your job?”

“I do think that, and I certainly feel that… all the time you’re waiting to be ‘found out’, you’re waiting for someone to show up and go, ‘So, you think you’re good at this?’” David gestured aside, like he’s pointing at a door, “’Here’s your coat.’ And then you sometimes wonder, maybe actors think we’re terribly special but we’re not. Maybe everyone feels like that all the time.”

Arabella then butted in and mentioned the Imposter’s Syndrome, and how every woman suffers from that and it’s something specific to women (that’s bullshit, and I’m a psychology student). And David went, “I’m definitely a woman, then.”

And that was it. There was a bit of an ending speech, and David was given a present, and then it was all over and we all went our separate ways.

You can find a collection of the photos I’ve taken that day over here, and you can find a few quotes that didn’t get into the final report over here. 

Hopefully this makes anyone who asked for this report happy. xx

[aggold15hi01]

Random thoughts and ideas #1

Note: These are the random thoughts and ideas I have on my mind as I am supposed to write those ideas however I decided to wrote it on here therefore I can share the ideas and thoughts on what I have on my mind.

Disclaimer: This may be work of a [Fan] fiction however it deals with mental health and a realistic modern AU work--thus no need to take this seriously in real life; thank you. ;-)

I remember I can visualize very well on how when Satou and Allisha are playing on the floor together; Allisha would pass the ball to her [Satou] as she would take her shot from the free throw line as vice versa; Satou would pass the ball to Allisha as she gives her shot from the corner or sometimes outside the arc as although whenever they shoot the ball into the basket for a three pointer while learning to share the basketball--there may be misses however instead of getting shaking their head in frustration or grumbling swearing words under their breath or destructing themselves mentally, they both realize: they can keep trying and made mistakes until they got it since they know Coach Vicky confirms to the girls on the team meeting at the reception on ‘they are human beings after all; not robots or machines--and they need to remember that.’  

Additionally after a few days of rejuvenation before the game on Sparks vs Wings [I am going to start the writing very soon as I mention on a post in here really soon] thanks to Satou’s negotiation with the coaches on how she spoke to them about they got so tired mentally and emotionally plus spiritually yet they have to confirm many of the players and the pro athletics are very much like normal human beings on having a normal job: whenever they get tired; they can get emotionally and mentally burned out additionally experience the feeling of drainage on how they get exhausted easily plus mental health can’t be something to be overlooked by many of us human beings. 

With her negotiation towards the coaches on talking about mental health and balance; the girls manage to get a few days off to work on their mental health; adding different work outs into their regular workouts (Satou ask Allisha did she had adding anything different but she [Allisha] answers ‘No’; therefore this is when she [Satou] told Allisha she is adding basic yoga poses; meditation: pilates and swimming into their work out schedule other than working out in the gym; practicing ; and she also told Allisha ‘If we are going to Hawaii; we could definitely add surfing into the mix’ as what seems to be a joke at first later on; when the team truthfully goes to Hawaii on the islands, it becomes less of a joke and more of a regular activity where the two (Satou and Allisha plus most of the players if not all of them) do it together as both girls enjoyed surfing plus they add stand up paddling additionally doing yoga on a SUP Board which the both of them after their first experience they do it regularly whenever they are in the islands additionally they also go for jogs at the Magic Island Peninsula at Ala Moana Beach Park.) and having to explore the city a bit then it is all back to practice for them after a short few days of rest; recharge: rejuvenate and re-energize (Satou likes calling it the ‘4Rs’); they got back to practice, feeling refreshed and rejuvenated from the last couple of days.

In addition to practice and having different work outs, on one of their days off: Satou remembers she invites the girls to watch an animal documentary on how normally the hunters would hunt on their prey by using the five sense; she told the girls during their practice on their own version of a 5x5 Basketball; she taught them to use the animal method on how the ball is a prey towards the predator’s eye as they need to get to the ball instead of drawing a foul therefore the girls remember to make a mental note on using it however Allisha wrote it down on the hotel’s notebook to remember the animal method she taught her.

[icecoldflames]

Without Music, Life Would B♭ (Sanders Sides)

Saturdays were the off days. The days where the Sides normally kept to themselves. 

Where Virgil normally slept or listened to music, where Logan read and re-read his books, where Patton baked or cooked of did something.

And Roman was usually re-watching a Disney movie. Or multiple.

However, today, was different. Roman wasn’t in the mood to watch Frozen, Hercules, Snow White, or even Moana.

Instead, Roman was cooped up in his room, dusting off his old guitar that he’d been negating for some time.

It wasn’t that Roman didn’t like playing guitar. In fact, he loved playing the guitar; singing along to his favourite Disney songs or just fooling around with the six strings.

The reason was because he, a, didn’t have time (a Prince has got to slay!), b, he didn’t want the other Sides to judge him for it. And c, for a long period of time he lost the motivation to play guitar. He instead made himself busy with thinking up creative ideas and helping the other Sides.

Sure, he had sometimes plucked a few off-tune notes late at night or the wee hours in the morning. 

But had never had the urge to play his guitar for a while. That is, until today. Roman didn’t know why.

He made sure the other Sides were occupied before taking out his guitar. He began tuning the six strings with a tuner.

Roman had used to been able to tune by the sound. But he had lost his touch when he had lost his motivation to play.

Once the tuning complete, Roman played a few chords, keeping his mouth shut. 

For Roman, playing the guitar was like riding a bike. You never forgot. You may get rusty, but you never really forgot how to stable yourself on a two wheeler, to peddle, to stop.

He did this for at least 30 minutes before getting the courage up to play a song. Roman looked through his folder of sheet music, trying to find one that he wanted to play.

Roman chose “Once Upon a Dream”, from Sleeping Beauty.

He began slowly playing the first chords, letting the acoustic music wash over him before going on and singing along with the music.

The next few songs that Roman picked (more Disney and some Beyoncé) were just getting a feel for the guitar again. 

The time flew by and he got up to get snacks and water and often for a bathroom break.

Roman was in the middle of playing “Your Welcome”, from Moana, when a loud knock came at the door. He immediately stopped playing.

“Roman!” Patton knocked politely on the door. “You in there, kiddo? Everything alright? You haven’t watched a single Disney movie today and Lo, Virge, and I are getting worried.

“No I’m not,” huffed Virgil on the other side of the door.

Roman could hear Patton “shh” Virgil. 

“Can we come in? It’s alright if you don’t want us to.” Patton added in quickly.

“Yeah sure, of course,” Roman said, sliding the guitar under his bed before opening the door wide. He smiled, trying to act like his normal self.

Patton came in first, followed by Logan, with Virgil close behind, his headphones on. Roman could hear a slight hum coming from the headphones.

“You alright, kiddo?” Patton repeated. 

“Yes,” Logan added in, “you do not normally coop yourself up in your room.”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Roman nodded. He enjoyed Patton taking care of him and looking out for him, it was nice. But right now, all he wanted was for all of them to leave him alone.

“What’s this?” Virgil asked loudly, holding up the “Your Welcome” sheet music off of the floor.

Shoot, Roman had hidden the guitar but not the piles of sheet music. Nice move, he sarcastically thought to himself.

“It seems to be sheet music. Sheet music is a handwritten or printed form of music notation that uses modern musical symbols to indicate the pitches-” Logan began but was cut off by Virgil.

“I know what sheet music is, Logic,” Virgil said, defensively, glaring at the bespectacled logical side.

“I was just saying-” Logan said, exasperated.

“Oooooo!” Patton exclaimed.

Roman clenched his eyes shut, expecting to be teased mercilessly.

“You play an instrument? What is it? Can you play something for me?” Patton said, holding up his hands in excitement.

Logan looked over the sheet of paper. “It seems like Roman plays the guitar. At least, this sheet music is for guitar.”

Virgil pulled out the sand coloured guitar from under the bed. “Found it,” he said, emotionlessly. When the three other Sides gave him a look Virgil shrugged. “What? Whenever anyone one of you come in my room, I always hide stuff under the bed so you won’t see.”

Virgil then seemed to realize what he said and shoved the guitar to Roman silently, his pale face becoming a pastel pink. “Here.”

“Play something! Play something!” Patton said, clapping his hands.

“What do you want me to play?” Roman asked, uneasily.

“Anything. You choose.” Patton nodded.

“Okay. Um...” Roman trailed off and grabbed the sheet music for “You Got a Friend in Me”, from Toy Story.

He hesitantly played it, singing it quietly, getting a few chords messed up. But Patton and Logan didn’t seem to mind. Virgil had no emotion on his face, so Roman had no clue what that Side was thinking.

At the last part of the song, Patton began singing along, boosting Roman’s self-confidence. Virgil was even sort of moving his lips even though no sound came out.

When the song was finished Roman felt more comfortable. Patton applauded loudly; Logan and Virgil clapped, however not as enthusiastically.

“That was amazing.” Patton smiled.

“Really? I made a few mistakes.” Roman stated.

“Aw, no need to fret.” Patton grinned and giggled. “See what I did there? I’m fingerpickin’ good.” He giggled for the second time.

Even Virgil couldn’t help but let out an amused snort. 

Roman suddenly had a great idea. “Why don’t you all learn a musical instrument?” He asked.

Patton let out a loud gasp in excitement. Logan looked slightly confused while Virgil shrugged.

“Why don’t you choose the instruments then?” Logan asked. “I’m sure musical instruments are supposed to fit with their players?”

Roman nodded, excited to choose the other Sides’ instruments. Virgil seemed to be the only one who looked hesitant. The other two just looked curious.

He pointed to Patton, thinking. “Ukulele!” He suddenly exclaimed, a tiny ukulele popping up in Patton’s hands.

“Awww, it’s like a guitar baby.” Patton cooed.

“Bagpipes!” Roman said, pointing to Logan.

Logan’s eyes just about popped out of his head.

“Kidding, kidding...” Roman sighed, grinning while Logan glared at him. “Okay...urm...” he thought. “Keyboard?” He asked, questioning himself.

A keyboard appeared in front of Logan. Logan tapped on the ‘C’ key. He did a glissando up the keys. “Interesting....” he mumbled.

Roman turned towards Virgil. 

“Please don’t do something stupid like a harp or banjo or something,” Virgil said, crinkling up his nose.

“Nah, they don’t suit you.” Roman shook his head. “Clarinet.” He stated and snapped his fingers at the same time.

A black and silver clarinet materialized in Virgil’s hands. A reed was already in place, ready for Virgil to play the first note.

Virgil awkwardly looked up at Roman, sucked in a breath and...

Squeeeeeak....screeeeech....

“Oh my goodness gracious!” Roman shouted at the top of his lungs, curling into himself and covering his ears. 

The horrible noise stopped and Virgil stared up at the other three sides, smirking. “I think I may like the clarinet.”

Virgil breathed in again.

“Don’t do it! Don’t you dare!” Logan shouted, his eyes wide.

Squeeeeeek....

[quiznakles]

a scenario w/ shiro where he restores the readers heart (kind of like a moana situation where she puts the heart back) but in this case he falls in love so she turns herself human to live out their days together until they both die and become a god and goddess of the space and stars or something like that. mucho fluff pls :) And great work btw hella love it ❤️❤️

Thunder was rumbling all about yet no rain poured,the sky was ash-filled,clouds an orangey black.Angry screeches were heard from the lava rock covered monster.Every paladin were rushing about, trying to think of ways to defeat the monster.What was their mission?Defeat the monster that had been terrorising the village.The village used to believe in a goddess though one day,she had disappeared then this monster came.Voltron had never faced a monster that powerful before even with a demi-god right beside them.“Paladins!What's your plan?”The deep,booming voice belonging to the demi-god,A’kamer,was heard in the comms-unit.“We're not to sure yet but our lions are too damaged to form Voltron!”Shiro stated,knowing that they had a lesser chance of defeating the monster without Voltron. “A’kamer...This monster has some kind of mythical energy that my scanners had picked up.A whole chunk of it is also located at the village!Do you think the villagers have some kind of thing that the monster was looking for?”Pidge questioned,re-scanning the whole area and getting the same results.A’kamer hummed,“I am not to sure but there was this mystical blue pebble that glowed green whenever it came near the monster.The villagers and I both think that with the pebble,the monster will become stronger!”The paladins were then softly pushed by the water around them.It was as if the ocean on that planet was telling them something.“A’kamer!Take me to see that pebble!Maybe the monster will calm down after that!”Shiro grunted as his lion’s side was hit by a large lava rock.The monster screeches once again,getting angrier as the monster glowed more.“Impossible black paladin!You are taking a huge risk here and the pebble would burn anyone once it was touched!”Shiro sighed at the answer,“Just lead me to the pebble and I can see what I can do.If my plan fails,all fault will be placed on me.”Everyone protested against the idea,knowing of the huge risk from what A’kamer told them.“Alright then black paladin.”A’kamer said reluctantly.Shiro and A'kamer made their way back to the village while the other paladins distracted the monster from the two.You were angry-no,furious in fact.Your precious heart,stolen from you by one of those villagers that visited you.That what turned you into this,a lava rock covered monsterity that terrorised the village in search of your heart.You knew you had to take it back by yourself since the villagers would all get burnt from touching your heart that was filled with anger.The only person who could ever carry or even hold your heart was your soulmate whom you think you would never know.You paused mid-screech when you saw your heart in a distance, glowing it's familiar green.You were shocked least to say,not expecting to find your soulmate that soon.Yet,he was mortal and you were a goddess.That rarely ever happened though you were sure that person who was currently holding your heart now was your soulmate.Neither Shiro nor the villagers and A'kamer would've knew or expected that Shiro would be the one to carry your heart without getting burnt.They couldn't imagine a foreign species would be the chosen one at all.Getting over their shock,Shiro and A'kamer made their way back to the battlefield.“Black paladin,me and the villagers can only now count on you to calm down that monster.Good luck.”A’kamer said in behalf of the villagers and himself.Shiro landed his lion on an island nearby.Walking closer to the island’s shore,Shiro held out the pebble,the pebble glowing a bright green.The ocean parted ways, giving you the space to get your heart.Shiro walked closer as you approached him quickly,slowly calming down till your lava had cooled off.Shiro was singing a japanese lullaby that was sung to him by his parents before he went to Kerberos for his mission and he always found it calming.Soon,the two of you were face to face.Shiro looked at you while you stared at him.Both of you then touched foreheads before he broke off, putting your heart back at it's rightful place.The lava rocks all over yourself began to fade off,revealing the goddess that all the villagers worshipped.You smiled kindly at Shiro before your gaze flicked over to A'kamer whom was looking at you sheepishly.You raised a brow at him before letting out a soft chuckle, putting out your hand where his weapon was.“T-thank you goddess…”A’kamer said,accepting the weapon once again.Your attention went back onto Shiro once again.“You,you're my soulmate.”You said softly,pointing at him as you slowly shrank yourself down to his size.Shiro was mesmerized by you,a blush dusting across his features.Your (h/l)(h/c) hair,sparkling (e/c) eyes and smooth (s/c) skin.You were so gorgeous to him.Needless to say,you changed yourself into a mortal just to be with your dear soulmate.Through the thick and thin,blood, sweat and tears as well as the many ups and downs,you two stuck together and had a few children of your own.Time flew past so fast and now,you two were on your deathbeds.The war with Zarkon and Lotor had ended,the paladins found their own significant others and now,they were all gathered around you two.It was hard to let you two go.Shiro being the leader and you being the support beam for everyone.“It's alright everyone…”Shiro coughed a little,“We'll be up there watching over all of you…”You nodded, feeling a bit too weak to say anything up till now as you saw a bright light,“It's time...We have to go…”The last thing you felt were you children’s,the paladins’,the princess’ and you soulmate’s embrace.Opening your eyes,you were shocked.You were back to being a goddess once again.You then spotted Shiro nearby.The both of you were back to your young selves once again,watching over the paladins while watching over the many galaxies and stars.*****Heya kitties!Okay...To be honest,I never watched Moana before so the concept might be wrong...The ending's a little messed up due to me suddenly losing the spark a little and so... That's it folks.Gotta blast!~♥️Mod Addi👩🏽‍🎨

[againstthegrainphoto]

...too booked to be bothered...

....I might be a little overwhelmed right now...

...with all the work and photos and holidays and shit that’s going on.....

.....but I”ve been holding in so much word vomit, I really need to puke.

so unfortunately due to the fact that facebook is full of people who would judge me and tell me I am wrong and a horrible person and a victim shammer and racist and god knows whatever else after I get these thoughts out....you get them here tumblr! Call me whatever you want.....I couldn’t care less.

tumblr: where I hide nothing and am actually the most real to myself than any other god forsaken social media. I mean how well can you even know someone by their social media though? fucking ridiculous.

So sit down. buckle up. this is going to be an extremely long one, spanning many issues.

First off. I my uncle died on friday. I’ve been silent on the issue. Is it bad I mourn for my mom and his might as well be wife? Not so much him. He spent his life ruining it with drinking and smoking and bad choices that negatively affected those around him. He waited until he couldn’t talk before going to get a fucking TUMOR even assessed by a doctor. and didn’t even sign himself up for medicare until his brother basically did it for him after the “discovery” of the tumor. What do you mean he had throat cancer? I thought 60 years of smoking is good for you?!?!*shock* My heart breaks for my mom and his wife(ish). I am really worried that the wife(ish) is going to be like “well he gave up, so i might as well too”.....like even if it’s not a conscious thought or decision....maybe especially if its not. ya know? the whole situation just sucks.

People are so shitty to each other. So shitty. Like, I’m a not-really-participating-member of the “beauty community” or whatever you want to call it. But I am a fairly large consumer of the beauty world. I have a fucking addiction to makeup. I love it. I want it. I collect it. I spend way too much money on it. I buy it for my friends. I buy it for me. I buy it for my family. And I like to keep up on the front cutting edge of what’s happening and what’s new and what’s available and what is the very best product. I also can’t afford to purchase every high end makeup release, but I do like watching and hearing others opinions about them. It’s just sad to see that the more widely viewed/available/posting reviewers are such shady, backhanded, backstabbing people. And not just that, but fucking FAKE. their videos and such are so positive and good looking, but if you follow them in any other form they show they are such fake ass drama creating bullshit. not to name names, but I literally cannot stand jacylin hill or laura lee or nikki tutorials and thier fucking boring ass makeup and annoying high school personalities....yet they have their own fucking palettes? how are these people the ones that get their fucking name on the make up?? why don’t companies choose people with an ounce of creativity?!??! I’m not saying I love and adore jeffree star....but goddamn he makes cool original and creative products. I also am not a fan of kat von d......but if you make a fucking stunning product...I will buy it. (re: saint/sinner palette.......so far worth every penny....i love it....and really if you do the math you’re paying like $2.60 per shadow in that thing.....totally better than the serpentina palette I talk shit about every chance I get...).....Seeing them as so annoying makes watching their videos close to impossible because you develop such a hatred for them and who they are.

This halloween I had such a hard time stomaching all the bullshit that was being passed around regarding children’s costumes. In my mind I really do think that there is a line...and it’s not THAT gray.....between being disrespectful to a culture (ie “cultural appropriation”) and having an appreciation of a culture. Example: I shared an article about a Chilkat robe that was returned to alaska. I do not believe that having it hung in their house was WRONG. and I feel like I should have clarified this when I shared the article instead of just saying that I appreciated it. What I really appreciated was that an ORIGINAL FUCKING ARTIFACT was returned to its origin to be kept and studied and passed on for the heritage. Hanging native alaskan art I do not believe is wrong. FYI THEY FUCKING SELL IT. YOU CAN PURCHASE IT WHEN YOU GO THERE. THE NATIVE ARTISTS MAKE MONEY THIS WAY. THEY WANT YOU TO BUY IT AND HANG IT ON YOUR FUCKING WALLS. Hanging native american art in your house and admiring it’s beauty IS NOT FUCKING CULTURAL APPROPRIATION. Now what I do believe is not so great would be emphasizing things of a culture that are cliche or negative. Like dressing up as say like a Muslim terrorist for halloween.....That I believe is wrong. Most Muslims are not terrorists........you dressing up as that for halloween is not appreciating their culture...it’s you being part of the problem by promoting the idea that terrorists are Muslim and Muslims are terrorists......but your child wanting to dress up as Mulan or...what was it this year? Moana? right? like there was press about making sure your fucking 6 year old isn’t allowed to dress up as her. I do not think that is not cultural appropriation. The only reason why they would want to dress up like this is because they think this character is the greatest thing ever and want to be them. That is appreciation. And most likely they have zero regard for what color their hero’s skin is. It’s so horrible for a white little girl to want to be Pocahontas or Mulan but how many little not-white little girls wanted to be Ariel or Belle? or Aurora? AND STILL DO TO THIS DAY? no one talks about them? They should not be limited to only wanting to be the princess of their own skin color!! none of the children should. That’s how you fucking START racism is it not?? Jesus christ. I maybe pale as fuck......but just for the record I am a papered and registered native. Like I literally carry a card and have multiple certificates certifying that I am native. Like there is question to even whether or not “eskimo” is a negative slur now apparently. But that’s what my goddamn papers say I am. God I’m just so over all this “cultural appropriation” bullshit we are inundated with every goddamn day. We are all fucking humans. Let us (and children especially) appreciate what we personally like.

Moving on in this word spewing of views that I’m sure some of you don’t agree with.

Fucking sexual assault. Another thing I am so goddamn over right now. Does it need to stop? Fucking yes it does. Some of the things coming out of the woodwork are absolutely appalling. But the problem lies with.....well...THE LIES. Just like a dude is totally capable of sexually assaulting a girl....a girl is totally capable...if not even more capable...of lying about a dude assaulting her. And regarding this within the music scene.....Is there ARE groupies. There are tons and tons of fucking crazy fans out there. I’ve seen them with my own eyes. They’ve left weird comments on my own photos. And that’s partially the problem is that we believe an half crazed girl who says “*insert any talented hack with a bit of fame behind their name here* sexually assaulted me!!!” over any other facts. And if we don’t believe her we are “victim shaming”....Unfortunately, I have seen those that are crazy enough to say something like this to get a bit of fame. I have seen the girl who vaguebooks every goddamn day. I have seen the girl who fucks her way up the social ladder.....it’s only a matter of time before she’ll start claiming “abuse”. Do I think every case is fame fueled, career damaging, revenge for not paying attention to a fan, bat shit crazy bitch claiming sexual assault?....no. not at all. There are fucking disgusting dudes out there making music and have been proven time and time again that they are exactly what they are shown to be: sexual predators. I’m not going to name names.....but I know a couple names that come to the top of my mind. One never had my support......I mean you just can NOT have a target audience with an average age of 12 and have lyrics about “liking it better on the floor” and “make you wanna fuck all night” and “she sucks me till it snows, i’ll fuck her face so hard”.....I”M SORRY. NO. I’m getting pissed off just looking up these fucking horrible lyrics. fucking talentless joke of a human being. I also personally witnessed this person show his full ass to a crowd of fucking 12 year olds. Pretty sure that’s frowned upon and why the spd were out by his bus after the show. Of course....obviously....nothing serious came of it and it was swept under the rug. The other....just makes me sad. His own words were his own conviction. Calling out and berating girls while confessing his less than innocent relations with them in a public form seen by thousands. girl. bye.  So it’s totally not that sexual assault doesn’t happen in the music scene.....but I’ve literally seen more fucking batshit crazy bitches than I have seen sexual preditors. I just feel like no one takes an objective view of it??? it’s all “SHE WAS ASSAULTED!!!! HE DESERVES HIS CAREER RUINED AND DEATH!!!”....no one is listening to the accused in these cases. it’s all a fucking head hunt......I’m seriously concerned for the band decapitation. they’ve been stuck out of their home country for months now. their band is ruined. their reputations are ruined. and unless they ACTUALLY fucking gang raped this spokane girl......well...their lives as they know it are over regardless.....if they actually did rape her then their lives are actually over and they get what they deserve.....BUT so much inconsistencies???....and one of the girls was pulled over for dui?....and is it really going to boil down to whether or not the girl gave consent?....I mean who can be the judge of that??? it’s all going to be on her word.....and she has a documented history of providing false information to the police before??.....christ....what a shitshow......so far the only musician that I can 100% back up the ruining of his career and his death is ian watkins from lostprophets. that dude can die and then fucking rot in purgatory....hell is too good for him.

moving on.

My local scene. my peeps. muh regulars. The division amongst them the past few months has been sad to me. The solidarity that we had a year ago is gone for good. I really don’t think it’s ever coming back. it’s like it got divorced. What’s funny is while I am a part of this group.....I am not TRULY a part of it. even though I consider it my own. I actually have very few friendships within this group, sure I’m facebook “friends” with all these people. But I am more a documenter of this subculture. yeah I look and like and dress the part. yeah I’m at most the events. yeah people are beginning to recognize me without me having ever met them. But but my true real connections are very few. Am I sad about this? no. not at all. I am 120% ok with this. By being someone who is basically outside looking in.......I can see things perhaps others don’t see. Some of the most “popular” people in this crowd........they are not the most beautiful people. And this has nothing to do with appearance. We are goth. We are all beautiful on the outside. But that just means I will avoid them. Basically if I avoid you.....that means I see you as a either negative input in my life and I don’t want it or I am unsure of how you feel about me. If I make an effort to spend time with you....that means I see you as a positive energy and I’ll take all I can get. lol. Honestly though. it’s like the cool photographer’s club.....the same people. at the same shows. every time. I don’t need it. I don’t need others approval. I don’t take photos for others. I take photos for me. if others enjoy them. that’s cool. But they’re for me. it’s like my image journal and/or catalogue of all the cool shit i’ve seen in my life. all the songs i’ve heard. My boss was all “I went to a concert once”......I’m like.....I’ve been to four in the past week and I’m drowning in photos. I think it’s bullshit to do free photos for national touring artists then charge the locals to even take photos. that’s being part of the problem. What new good bands are there? Everything happening right now is shit from the mid 2000s if not earlier. in the past like 18 months or so i’ve seen genitorturers, my life with the thrill kill kult, lords of acid, combichrist, christian death, incubus, jimmy eat world, wednesday 13, pig, orgy/julien k, iron maiden, gwar, vertical horizon, everclear, fastball, sabaton, eve 6, vanessa carlton, john 5, dope, lordi, powerman5000, pretty boy floyd, buckcherry, sebastian bach, opeth, faster pussycat, marilyn manson, slipknot, korn, rob zombie, 16 volt, tim skold, filter......HONESTLY the only newcomer with any staying power is fucking GHOST. which is why I’m even on this godforsaken site. Also in this moment might *MIGHT* have staying power....their show is pretty goddamn epic. It’s just not my thing though. I’m not into it. I mean....not gonna lie.....I liked the beautiful tragedy album.....when they played live they had screens with their logo on it and she was in a little yellow sundress and converse sneakers. Let me know if you want to see those photos. lolz. I laugh at those who photo for likes on facebook or instagram. it must be such a sad existence. A cool photog i’ve connected with recently is photoslavery...look her up......we have a lot of the same views on things and it’s refreshing to find another photog doing it for the fucking ART of doing it. also we use a similar arsenal of tricks.....which is funny......cause it’s a pretty unpopular/unknown?(doubtful)/unappreciated set up. But I obviously don’t listen to what’s known and popular. I heard a phrase the other day that just resonated with me....”too booked to be bothered”.....THAT IS ME. lol. I do not have time to be bothered by trivial things from irrelevant sources....

well I’ve been typing for ages. and I feel a bit better after I’ve vomited all this out. it’s been a rough few weeks.

[boredomoverloadmy]

College (in a nutshell)

So I’m officially done with college *insert party streamers emoji*. Actually I’ve been out for some time now but I have yet to get off my lazy arse to do anything genuinely productive (other than trying to master a few piano pieces with little progress). Mum put me in charge of most of the domestic work at home and chauffeuring the kid here and there and the groceries and all that jazz. I would go back to that part-time teaching gig but I reckoned I’d only be around for awhile and mum agreed to give me some allowance (mostly for the groceries though). But that’s beside the point of this post now isn’t it?

So now I’m going to talk about my college experience. Nothing special really and I don’t think I’ll be able to go into detail about it so if you have any questions feel free to ask. I have an ask section up there *points to the top of tumblog* and I (finally) turned my tumblr notifications on so I may be able to answer a.s.a.p this time.

I started my foundation studies June last year (2016) at Kolej MARA Kulim, Kedah affectionately known as KMKu under the Pre-U USM program. Basically its just like any other foundation like if you’d go to Universiti Malaya’s or UNIMAS foundation. But the difference for my program was that I had a sponsor (MARA) who would be supporting my degree studies later on, given that I reached the minimum requirements. Subsequently, those in my program were more or less “tagged” as to which field of study they would be pursuing post-foundation. I and 36 other people who were my classmates in college were tagged to do Medicine in USM-KLE in India later this year (2017). I’m not going to go into detail as to what USM-KLE is because I’m saving that for another post.

I’ve actually had a lot of people ask me why I didn’t choose to return to the UK. I have my reasons, mostly because I decided to pursue Medicine in the way that I wanted to. I’m the kind of person who chooses caution and strategy above everything else, so taking IB or A-levels to me was out of the question from the very get-go. Again, I’m saving the story behind that for another post.

Going off to literally the other side of Malaysia was both exciting and scary for me. When I was in secondary school it never really occurred to me that I’d be leaving Kuching because at the time my mindset was “ace SPM get good grades other stuff comes later”. So when the day finally came, I had no idea what to do with myself. My teachers would give you the illusion that I had it all figured out, just as I had the illusion that all my other seniors had it all figured out. The truth is, you never really do have it figured out. No matter how shiny your high school reputation looks, in the end we’re all just winging it one way or the other. But that’s okay. That’s life. Just go where the wind takes you and you’ll arrive to the place you’re meant to be eventually.

There was another person from Sarawak going to the exact same college for the exact same course. Her name is Martina and she was introduced to me by my old primary schoolmate over WhatsApp. She’s not from Kuching but we both decided that it would be better to be in contact with someone from the same state for travelling arrangements. We left from different airports though, I took a direct flight from Kuching to Penang while she had to transit via KLIA from Sibu. On some occasions we’d wait for each other at Penang airport to catch a taxi to Kolej, which was in Kedah (it was easier to go there via Penang rather than Alor Setar because it was closer).

Registration day for me was chaotic. It wasn’t because of the management though, I’d say that our seniors, Oddytix did a good job handling that and orientation. It was because I was missing some documents and I FREAKED (not an exaggeration). The fact that the only way to go home to re-do things was by flight did not help either. Before I left I double triple checked my documents so when I made such a big blunder by not printing out some of the required documents I felt so incompetent and I didn’t want to trouble my parents more because not causing trouble for my parents was why I accepted the offer in the first place. But in the end I guess it just added fuel to the fire. Throughout the first semester I found myself drowning more in the paperwork for the offer than the actual studying; constantly having to check in with my parents and the post office about my corrected documents. Note to self : when I decide to set up a scholarship someday brief the scholars as to how it’s done to save everyone’s time and energy.

My batch (which would be named Erovra) consisted of about 100+ students which was a few people more than the Transformers (my high school batchmates). We were divided into 3 classes, USM A, B, and C (see the use of the Oxford comma there? I just learned that haha). My class was USM C which consisted of 36 other people bound for India, a few people more than in 5 Delta (my graduating high school class). Each class was further divided into four tutorials, e.g. C1, C2, C3, and C4. My tutorial was C1 which had 11 people, 4 boys and 7 girls (Alya joined a bit later) including myself. Regrettably my tutorial was late to come together unlike other tutorials which bonded quite closely in the first semester. Towards the end of foundation I realised the reason why other tutorials called us C paling pelik and believe me it is a fact I will not deny (especially Lah I had no idea you were like that tbh hahahaha). 

Generally speaking, the first impression I got from my classmates was that God had copy-pasted 30+ versions of Stephen Goh Kok Yew, except some were female and none were Chinese or aspiring body-builders (inside joke. Transformers 1115 will understand). They were so studious that if Ben were to enroll in this program Ben would have been shocked and disgusted; shogusted (but deep down inside Ben is super rajin too don’t deny it). But I guess that’s how things are going to be from now on. After all, you wouldn’t want your future doctor to be a lazy bum now would you?

Before I forget, in this college there are several programs doing foundation studies (UniKL, MKPM or the regular matriculation, UMK and USM) and each program is referred to as a “unit”.  For accommodation the girls in my unit stayed at the Fatimah Az-Zahra block or FAZ. Each room had a minimum of 4 occupants. One of my roommates, Awin, was my classmate while the other two, Nida and Bella, were from USM A. Everything in basic in kolej was provided despite the fact that it still felt like we were in boarding school. For me, it was a level above what I’m used to, mainly because it had a laundromat and washing machine. I washed my all my clothes by hand in boarding school, even during my senior years and even when my hands started to have the skin peeling and flaking off because my skin doesn’t take too well with detergent. That was mainly because the one and only washing machine in my block would already be used and most often it was the juniors who used it but I was too lazy to play the seniority card. I don’t do that shit even if you’re what people would say “kurang ajar” with me. Berkat and kifarah are my magic words. But in kolej thankfully I didn’t have to worry about that which is a huge improvement, as opposed to what other people would say (people who’s schools can afford a lot of washing machines I suppose). Plus, food was provided albeit being the standard asrama food. My friends under other scholarships complained that most of their money went to buying food which was expensive in their area, so even though I found out I couldn’t stomach ikan keli (new discovery) for the most part I took what I got.

Studying and exams felt way different for me. Perhaps it was because I was surrounded by people who came from different kinds of schools. I felt a bit out of place honestly. My strong points were always reading and humanities subjects (Sejarah, Language, that sort) but now I had to put more emphasis on pure sciences. I constantly fell behind in Maths especially (no surprise there frankly) but I sought help from Muja and Zatil mostly which lead to small but consistent improvements. The lecturers were also really nice and helpful and we could approach them whenever. However I felt that my downfalls were caused by time, not that I didn’t have enough but maybe because I had too much free time (you can gasp now). For 2 years I had become accustomed to starting class at as early as 6.30 a.m. and finishing at 6.00 p.m. only to continue after Maghrib until 11.00 p.m. that having gaps in between felt strange and I felt I could have managed my time a lot better than I did (*highlights this point as a reminder for degree studies*). 

Two major components of my program to India (other than the exams) were the interview and IELTS. The interview was as straightforward as a medical school interview could get. IELTS was the rumoured killer. IELTS is basically some big shot English exam in which you have to score a certain “band” to be allowed to study or work overseas. Our requirement was 6.5/9.0 overall minimum. Now if you knew me personally you’d say “Faqihah mesti band 9 punya” which is close but not really. I scored an 8.5/9.0, which actually serves me right because out of the 30 hours access to the IELTS online learning module I used a total of 0.00 hours and the night before IELTS I was watching Moana with Bella. I kid you not and yes you can slap me later. My main downfall was the writing component. I wrote under 250 words for the second essay which was unusual for me and could have resulted in getting a 5 , I got a 7.5 for the writing component which was okay and my reading, speaking and listening components helped quite a lot. During the writing test I was very much distracted by the terrible kindergarten pencil and the crazy old guy who was making a fuss before the writing test. But as I’ve said again again this year, “as long as I pass what is required its more than enough”. 

I’m not going to lie. There were some moments where I doubted myself; whether I had what it takes to do medicine. I think each of us felt that way somewhere along the line, just no one dared to say it out loud or else there’d be people being condescending and saying “eh kata nak sangat jadi doktor kan”. But again, the truth is no one ever really has anything figured out. There were many times I thought to throw in the towel and go home. That would have been easier. But I realised the cliche of it all, that if it was easy everyone would do it. And that is the naked truth. You think you’re in control of things but it actually isn’t you. It’s Allah’s doing. Every. Step. Of. The. Way. You’re only expected to do your best with the challenges at hand. You don’t need any other reason to do it, only that Allah showed you that this is the way; and then you start walking. Crawl, if you must. As long as you follow it. 

I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg and that there will be many more moments like these to come, but I’m writing this down so that when those moments come I’ll know where to look for the courage to keep going. And I hope after reading this, you will too.

[callunavulgari]

SCRAPBOOK 2017 - TAKE TWO

Scrapbook for the second half of 2017, because tumblr doesn’t like it when you have a million links on one post.

Italicized titles = enjoyed muchly, bold titles = love, titles with an asterisk* = OBSESSION and titles in (brackets) are re-watches/re-reads. And lastly, strikethough = DISLIKE.

Goals are: read thirty-five new books this year (yikes, way behind), finish four video games (definitely on track here), finish writing and publish the Sabriel AU (eh heh), and write something original (does coming up with the idea count?). 

MOVIES

June

Wonder Woman

(Doctor Strange)

Kiki’s Delivery Service

Bronson

Chocolat

Tristan and Isolde

(Moana)

Power Rangers

July

Spiderman: Homecoming

Mona Lisa Smile

Baby Driver

(Logan)

Ouija: Origins of Evil

(Star Wars: Rogue One)

Passengers

Atomic Blonde

King and I

Stranded

August

The Sixth Sense

(Armageddon)

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children

9

(The Princess Diaries)

(X-Men: Apocalypse)

Legend

(Silent Hill)

BOOKS

June:

Authority | Jeff Vandermeer

July:

Authority | Jeff Vandermeer 

The Secret History | Donna Tarte

A Wrinkle In Time | Madeline L’Engle [Fin]

The Archived | Victoria Schwab [Fin]

Scythe | Neal Shusterman  [Fin]

Shadow and Bone | Leigh Bardugo [Fin]

August

Siege and Storm | Leigh Bardugo [Fin]

Less | Andrew Sean Greer

Authority | Jeff Vandermeer

A Wind In The Door |  Madeline L’Engle [Fin]

PODCASTS

June:

The Bright Sessions Eps 31-32

Alice Isn’t Dead Eps 3-4

Welcome to Night Vale 1-3

July:

Alice Isn’t Dead Eps 4-5

EOS 10 Eps 1-3

August

N/A

TV SHOWS BY SEASON

June:

Grace and Frankie

American Gods

(Stranger Things)

How to Get Away With Murder s2

Black Sails s2

July:

Black Sails s2

Grace and Frankie

Stargate SG-1 s2, s3

Doctor Who s8

The Strain

Boku no Hero Academia 

August

Westworld

Voltron s3

Game of Thrones s7

The Strain

Yamishibai

Jerry Springer  (Vacation w/ boyfriend’s family. Brother and friends are awful.)

VIDEO GAMES

June:

LoZ: Breath of the Wild (Definitely more than 40 hrs; Fin)

Dishonored 2 (Corvo Playthrough, 7 hrs)

Witcher 3 (15 hrs?)

July:

Witcher 3 (15 hrs?)

(Final Fantasy XV, 2 hrs)

August

(Final Fantasy XV, 2 hrs)

DELIGHTFUL FIC

June:

Running on Air by eleventy7 (HP; Drarry; 75k;  Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.)

Slithering by astolat (HP; Drarry; 27k;  Draco found the nest down in the Manor’s cellars, while he was clearing them out.)

Bitter Honey, Green Night by Faith Wood (faithwood) (HP; Drarry; 14k;  An inn, an Auror, a criminal, a mystery.)

Hermione Granger's Hogwarts Crammer for Delinquents on the Run by waspabi (HP; Drarry; 93k;  'You're a wizard, Harry' is easier to hear from a half-giant when you're eleven, rather than from some kids on a tube platform when you're seventeen and late for work.)

Stately Homes of Wiltshire by waspabi (HP; Drarry; 57k; Malfoy Manor has mould, dry rot and an infestation of unusually historical poltergeists. Harry Potter is on the case.)

stranger things than polyamory by trepan (Stranger Things; Jonathon/Steve/Nancy; 3.5k;  Somebody spray-paints NANCY WHEELER HAS TWO BOYFRIENDS on a wall she walks by on her way back from school in May. There are a couple of other students watching her as she passes. Nancy gives the sign a long look, then smirks at them politely.)

the heart its own rough animal by trepan (Stranger Things; Jonathon/Nancy/Steve; 21k;  “Where’s her daemon,” says one of the boys urgently. “Guys, she doesn’t have one.”)

in the bone by patho (ghostsoldier) (Dishonored; Corvo/Outsider; 2.8k;  It all began when Corvo started kissing the Mark for luck.)

The Sea and Stars Are Yours, My Dear, But the Moon Would Not Cooperate by NeverwinterThistle (Dishonored; Corvo/Outsider; 25k; The Outsider explores the murky seas of human courtship while Corvo watches in bemusement, and in the background Emily draws, Callista takes charge, Piero sulks, and Cecelia accidentally becomes indispensable. There's also a plague, a vase of asparagus, and about a hundred singing whales who randomly showed up in the harbour one evening.The squid is still wriggling.)

apocrypha by aerynlallaboso (Dishonored; Corvo/Outsider; 95k+; WIP;  The Eighth year of the reign of Empress Emily Kaldwin, First of her Name, the second year without a whisper from the Outsider, is the year the Void chooses to mark the end of an era.)

a small soft death by patho (ghostsoldier) (Dishonored; Corvo/Outsider; 2.8k; “The finest steel,” the Outsider says, “is forged with true purpose in mind. Elements that enhance the strength of the weapon are carefully chosen, and those that make the metal brittle and weak are burned away. It is an exacting process. The most beautiful dagger will be of no use at all if the steel is not properly tempered. Do you understand?”)

in·car·nate by bygoneboy (Dishonored; Corvo/Outsider; 21k; The Void’s Chosen have loved him before.)

The Crown of the Summer Court by astolat (Merlin; Merlin/Arthur; 24k;  "The king sent me to get you," Merlin said, with a tone that implied strongly that he wasn't rolling his eyes where Arthur could see, but just wait until his back was turned. "He said you're to get changed into formal clothes and meet him in the Great Hall, there's a delegation coming from the Summer Court.")

the king of oak by saltpans (HP: FBAWTFT; Credance/Percival Graves; 38k; The first thing Percival Graves does after being released back into the world is buy a new wand.)

Hi, You Were My Husband in Another Life, Professor by littlebirdtold (Star Trek; Spirk; 48k; Um, hi. I'm Jim. Jim Kirk. You don't know me, but I know you. Well, sort of. It's a long story.)

  Bluebird by waldorph (Star Trek; Spirk; 7k; Jim whipped around so fast most of his drink ended up on Spock, who was reaching for the phaser that wasn’t there. The Enterprise crew was parting like the biblical seas before Moses, and Jim could feel the temperature dropping. “Mom,” Jim croaked.)

Misethere by astolat (Witcher 3; Geralt/Emhyr; 46k; Emhyr was looking at him for once, with a strange expression. “I have misjudged you,” he said, sounding irritated actually: how dare Geralt surprise him.“I get that a lot,” Geralt said.)

Blooded Crown by astolat (Witcher 3; Geralt/Emhyr; 24k; “You need not thank me,” Emhyr said. “I have an ulterior motive.”It annoyed Geralt to be surprised. He should’ve known from the start. “Yeah?” The words came out with a little bite. “Have another daughter you need me to track down?”“If I wished to hire you, I would hire you,” Emhyr said. “No: I want you to come to my bed.”)

Cursed by astolat (Witcher 3; Geralt/Emhyr; 8k;  Geralt was reasonably sure this was the worst damn day of the worst damn month of his life, and it hadn’t hit bottom yet.)

July:

The War of Silver and Ash by astolat (Witcher 3; Geralt/Emhyr; 15k; He hadn’t come here with a contract. He’d come here to get the faces out of his head: the bloodless dead sprawled in heaps through the streets of Beauclair, the morning after the rampage Detlaff had unleashed; the blank eyes of the boy in the orphanage tilting his head to let Orianna drink from his throat, with the lullaby she’d been singing him still hanging in the air.Wasn’t working that well so far.)

A Year In Toussaint by astolat (Witcher 3; Geralt/Emhyr; 30k; Geralt had no damn idea what to do with a vineyard when Anna Henrietta gave him Corvo Bianco, but he figured it couldn’t be that bad.)

circling by xpityx (Witcher 3; Geralt/Emhyr; 5k; Emhyr sighed, as if Geralt’s lack of immediate understanding was a fundamental failure of his character.)

Running Behind by Asidian (FFXV; Prompto/Noctis; WIP;  There's a tag hanging on his storage pod, instead of the clipboard that documents his progress. On that tag, there's a single word stamped in red: defective.)

Toys by astolat (Lucifer; Lucifer/Chloe; 2k; “You want to fuck me!” he said gleefully.)

Emblazoning by astolat (Merlin; OT4; 19k; Morgana turned away from the high, barred window and rubbed her arms, chilled and bare. Arthur was sitting in the dirty straw at the very limit of his chains, which kept him a few inches too far away to touch Merlin's limp body. Outside they were putting up the stake.)

Redemption Merry Go-Round by astolat (Lucifer; Lucifer/Dan/Chloe; 8k;  Dan was deeply sorry for whatever he’d done in his life that had landed him in this mess, and also reasonably sure that despite all the shit he’d pulled in the last couple of years, he still didn’t deserve this.)

wild peaches by notbecauseofvictories (The Labyrinth; Sarah/Goblin King; 3k;  The morning after Sarah Williams defeats the Goblin King, she gets up and makes toast.)

where the weeds take root by beenghosting (Supernatural; Destiel; 30k+;  “Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.”)

damnatio memoriae by temporalDecay (Witcher 3; Geralt/Emhyr; 12k;  “May I walk the estate?” Emhyr repeated, and his nose crinkled in that familiar twitch of displeasure that Geralt had always secretly delighted in causing, despite how downright suicidal it was to invoke it on purpose. “I'm not going to run away,” he added, with a slight glare. “I'm merely bored.”)

Heart and Home by lc2l (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 97k; In an alternate Paris, werewolves occupy the majority of the ruling classes, making and adjusting policy to suit their interests. The punishments for a human attacking a werewolf can be brutal, unless they have the protection of a wolf pack.How this translates to 'claim Grantaire as your mate to get him out of prison' is something Enjolras is still trying to get his head around, but he's never been one to give up on a cause even when it's sleeping on his sofa.)

August

How the Future's Done by barricadeur (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 12k;  "Grantaire," he says slowly. "What do you have in that box?")

vocal ink by sarahyyy (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 3k; “Officially, we don’t have a leader, everyone here is equal,” Courfeyrac says, keeping his voice low as Enjolras starts his speech, “but if we did, and we don’t, it would be Enjolras.” He looks over to Marius. “Do not approach him. Let him come to you, let him be the first to initiate conversation, and for the love of God, do not mention soulmates.”)

Years Since It's Been Clear by lady_ragnell (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 10k;  Grantaire really doesn't expect Enjolras to force him to move in with him when he hears how shitty Grantaire's apartment is. And he definitely doesn't expect Enjolras to want him to stay, or how easy it turns out to be, or the way Enjolras has a habit of doing his studying in the sunshine on the living room floor ...)

Tolerable (Inuyasha; Sesshomaru&Miroku; 30k; “The scent is not entirely unpleasant.”)

Silence Is the Speech of Love by lady_ragnell (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 50k; Grantaire's life has a pattern: he pays his respects to Aphrodite, he goes to work, he loves Enjolras and provokes him because he can't bring himself to do otherwise.)

The Five Year Plan by Neery (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 16k;  Enjolras loses his memory. Thankfully, nothing unexpected seems to have happened to him in the five years he can't remember. Well, except for the boyfriend. The boyfriend's kind of a surprise.)

dance this silence down (the emergency room remix) by Fahye (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 54k;  He's sitting in a car with all of his belongings in the back seat and his hands wrapped around the steering wheel, admitting to himself that a stupid, dizzy firework of a one-night-stand with a man he'd barely known is one of the only bright memories he has right now.)

World Ain't Ready by idiopathicsmile (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 185k; Enjolras presses his lips together. He already looks pained, and Grantaire hasn't even opened his mouth yet. That's got to be a record, even for them."I need a favor," he says at last)**

  The Ghost of You by luchia (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 25k; Grantaire moves into an apartment inhabited by a poltergeist. Enjolras haunts him, and Grantaire should really win an award for most complicated relationship status ever.)

box of secrets by nightswatch (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 53k;  Grantaire leaves his doodles all over the place. Enjolras collects them without knowing who drew them.)

Yes, Sir by mikkimouse (Voltron; Sheith; 8k; "Are you all ready to get started?""Yes, sir!" twenty voices answered in unison.Shiro's stomach flipped at the words. Oh, no.The soulmark on his right wrist burned, confirmation that his soulmate was one of the twenty people who'd just uttered the phrase.)

despite what you've been told by caseyvalhalla (Yuri On Ice; Yuuri/Viktor; 14k; When Victor falls, he goes down hard.)

these things take time by sonhoedesrazao (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 63k;  He’s always wary of making assumptions; even more so when Grantaire is concerned. He knows he’s not the easiest person to deal with. People either like him or can’t stand him, and it’s easy to respond to those reactions, but Grantaire—Grantaire is hostile and mocking, Grantaire scorns his beliefs, and Grantaire stays.)

In the End We Have Each Other by samyazaz (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 50k; what startles Enjolras the most is that he manages approximately half a step through the door into the back room where they all meet before Grantaire rattles his glass down on the table in the back that he's taken for his own and drawls, "Is there something you forgot to tell us, Apollo?"That silences the room, predictably enough. Everyone breaks off their conversations and swivels to stare at him. At him, and at the baby carrier that he's got hooked over one arm.)

True Colors by lady_ragnell (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 4k;  The first thing that catches Enjolras's eye when he enters the Musain Cafe for the first time is the walls. They're a dull black that it takes him a moment to realize must be chalkboard paint, because near the tables there are words and doodles, and all over, even the erased sections are stained with faint colored marks like the walls have soulmarks.)

Hit Me With Your Best Shot by tellthemstories (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantaire; 10k; Fourteen times Grantaire tried to kill Enjolras.And one time he fell in love.)

RSVP (+1) by tellthemstories (Les Mis; Enjolras/Grantire; 21k;  When Enjolras is invited to Marius and Cosette’s wedding, he fully intends to ignore the ‘plus one’ on the invite. He’s busy at work and he has a lot on - he doesn’t have time for relationships. What he doesn’t expect is for Grantaire to invite himself along and then hit it off immediately with all of his friends.)

always there to remind you by estora, taywen (Dishonored; Corvo/Daud; 8k;  Later, after he had killed a number of people for coin, but before he killed so many that he lost count, Daud was glad he had no mark. No soulmate deserved to have his words marked on their skin.)

( Watercast by Fishwrites (Voltron; Lance/Keith; 96k; WIP;  Shiro has been a Galra prisoner for over a year; with his flight feathers clipped and unable to fly. Desperate to escape, he jumps overboard while being transported to the capitol on a Galran ship. Lance is a merman who saves him from drowning. Keith thinks Shiro is about to become mermaid dinner. Hunk just wants Lance to stop going to the surface all the time, dammit!))

DELIGHTFUL FANVIDS

June:

Multifandom || Tessellate (TYS: round2)

Multifandom || Bleeding out (collab w/ KatrinDepp)

Multifandom || Is this Real?

Multifandom || Insane Like Me (TYS: round1)

Multifandom │ Warriors

July:

the beast of america | percival graves

Get You Killed || Percival Graves

Percival Graves - Hit & Run

► Graves (+Credence) | Are You Insane Like Me?

Credence Barebone/Percival Graves || And I wanna fight, But I can't contend

[FIREFLY] - She always did love to dance

[Multifandom] - Dance with me

The Last of Us || Can't Pretend

The Walking Dead || Bottom of the River

Multifandom || Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight

Doctor Who (Logan Style)

Spider-Man (Peter Parker) // Everybody Loves Me

Iron Man (Tony Stark) // Gold

In The Flesh | we're gonna die, die, die

In The Flesh || We're Alone Now

Fantastic Beasts || Step into the light

Stranger Things|| Knocking On Heaven's Door

Jonathan & Nancy|| Tighten Up

Multifandom|| Stuck.Broken.Dead.

[Multifandom] - One Word

Marvel | Human

percival graves | can't hold us

August

Hela // Castle

grantaire & enjolras - help me kill the president

Game of Thrones || Blood of My Blood (for 60k)

(GoT) House Stark | The North Remembers

(GoT) Jaime Lannister | Oathbreaker

Jonathan Byers || I'm not like everybody else

Uptown Funk || Marvel Universe

MARVEL || Can't hold us

GLITTER & GOLD || Multifandom [HNY●2017]

I'M SO SORRY | Marvel Cinematic Universe

David Haller [Legion] | Dysfunctional

(Legion) It's Better When it Feels Wrong

unless you make it real [Legion]

not today [yuri on ice]

Haikyuu!! || not today

Multifandom | Tame Your Demons (w/SnowLightxx)

Six Of Crows - Trouble

marvel || battle royale

(GoT) Jon Snow | The Targaryen Wolf

Arya Stark // See What I've Become

(GoT) Jon Snow || The Wolf With Dragon's Blood

MARVEL/DC || BORN ready 

DELIGHTFUL MUSIC

June:

Johnny Hollow - Boogeyman

Sia - To Be Human feat. Labrinth

Lorde - Green Light

The National - "Don't Swallow the Cap"

The Growlers - "I'll Be Around"

The xx - I Dare You

Phantogram - Fall In Love

alt J - In Cold Blood

And I Waited All Night For You To Come, But You Never Did

Sia - The Greatest

Hopeless Fountain Kingdom - Halsey (Album)

History - Monakr

Wildcat! Wildcat! - Relentless (feat. Wynne)

Ingrid Michaelson - In the Sea

Cities in Dust Lyrics- The Everlove

Prides - Messiah

ODESZA - It's Only (feat. Zyra)

Metric - Breathing Underwater

Purity Ring - Sea Castle

Hundreds - Fighter

Labyrinth Ear - Urchin

Rasputina - Dig Ophelia

Sóley - Fight Them Soft

Soap&Skin - Boat Turns Toward The Port

CocoRosie - R.I.P. Burn Face

AURORA - Nature Boy

July:

Hamilton Soundtrack

Karen O - I Shall Rise

Miracle of Sound - Lady of Worlds 

Annie Lennox - I Put A Spell On You

Woodkid - IRON (Sara cover)

Peronal Yeezus By Chambaland (Atomic Blonde Trailer Music)

Kesha - Praying

twenty one pilots: Screen

Lemaitre - Higher

Regina Spektor-Blue Lips

Zaz - Les Passants

Katie Costello - Stranger

Arctic Monkeys - Knee Socks

Silversun Pickups - The Pit

If I Apologized - Mirrormask 

August

Les Mis - One Day More

Les Mis - Red and Black

Les Mis - Do You Hear the People Sing

Les Mis - Epilogue

Sleeping At Last - Mars

Hozier - Take Me To Church

Lynrd Skynrd - Freebird

You - Keaton Henson

Radical Face - All Is Well (It’s Only Blood)

Valerie Broussard - Trouble

Erutan - The Willow Maid

Imagine Dragons - Gold

Imagine Dragons - Thunder

Which Witch - Florence & the Machine

Paint It, Black - Ramin Djawadi

Honor For All - Dishonored

Daniel Licht - The Return

Patrick Wolf - Teignmouth 

Ballet Breakup - RvB

WRITTEN FIC

June:

it's warm, this skin i'm living in (SGA; Rodney/John; 1,170 words; When he is thirty-seven years old, John Sheppard thinks about the universe.

it's good to be in love, it really does suit you (KH; Sora/Riku/Kairi; 1,694 words; “We’ve done dangerous before.” Sora shrugs. “Getting a mortgage was dangerous, but we did it anyway.”)

a hazy shade of winter (Stranger Things; Steve/Nancy/Jonathan; 1,863 words; In November, they build a tree house.)

July:

can't deny your appetite (SGA; Rodney/John; 4,031 words; John finds out that there’s a vampire in Atlantis the day after they’ve stepped through the gate.He finds out that the vampire in question is Rodney McKay four weeks later, when they’re all hunkered down in the yawning shadow of some crumbling ruins and Rodney looks at him, his eyes eerily bright in the darkness, sees the blood on John’s face, and says, “Oh.”)

August

caught off guard by you (FFXV; Prompto/Noctis; 1,671 words;  “I just got you back,” Prompto says quietly, words muffled into the curve of Noctis’s neck.)

take me to church (Teen Wolf; Sterek; 3,129 words;  Derek scoffs. “You want to take me back to Quantico.”)

FANMIXES/GRAPHICS

June:

N/A

July:

the salt water sting:  wor·ship | noun | the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.

The Flash | Fire Fire [Vid]

August

love has no heart: A mix for those with no hearts.

i believe in you: You love him. The story still ends.

January.

February.

March.

April.

May.

June.

July.

August.

[bunny-wan-kenobi]

Bunny’s Beastly Review *SPOILERS*

I’ve seen the movie three times. I started as the skeptic. Then I saw the film. Here are my thoughts...

I’m a Disney lover, and the films from the Disney Renaissance are close to my heart. I think that animation is a medium that is so rich in the way that it can construe meaning and capture emotion in an artistic, entertaining, magical way, and the animated Beauty and the Beast is an exceptional example of this. 

I’ve been skeptical this whole time of Disney’s recent efforts to translate their animated works into live-action. It feels so opportunistic and uncreative to capitalize on what the animated films already did SO WELL instead of creating something new like Moana or Zootopia. When I first heard the news, I planted myself in the belief that these films really don’t need to be made. 

Do I still believe that after seeing Beauty and the Beast? Well yes...and NO. Maybe I was primed to come to this conclusion after enjoying many elements of Cinderella and falling unexpectedly for the live-action Jungle Book, but I can honestly say that Beauty and the Beast surprised me...but not in the ways I was expecting. 

I expected the nostalgia, the covers of classic songs, the pretty visuals, the strong supporting cast. I knew I would get that. But what surprised me was how happy the movie made me feel. It was the same infusion of warmth I felt when I saw Cinderella’s radiant gown twirling on the ballroom floor in the Disney live-action version.

 It was like I was a little girl nestled on the couch, sometimes in awe, sometimes just beaming because the movie evoked some intangible positive regard that wasn’t based on the perfection of it, but on its ability to speak to my heart. The live-action Beauty and the Beast managed to awaken that feeling in me, which means that there is the possibility that it won’t mean the same thing to someone else or ignite the same experience for everybody, but since this is my review...this movie honestly just made me happy. 

The movie’s not perfect--heck there are just some elements where the animated film is simply superior, but I’m glad it was made. Here’s my breakdown:

The Exceptional

- It answers questions I always had from the animated movie and creates a cohesive narrative. We learn why the villagers forgot about a LARGEASS CASTLE AND ROYALTY a few miles of forest away. We learn why Chip doesn’t age (don’t pretend this never bothered you). We learn more about the curse itself. I appreciated these gaps getting filled.

- We got answers to questions we didn’t know we wanted. I LOVE that Belle’s mother features in this movie, that it holds weight and connects her and the Beast’s stories of loss and loneliness together. I liked getting to see Mr. Potts and understanding just how widespread the effects of the curse were. I liked the backstory given to flesh out Gaston, Maurice, and the Beast, leading to...

- The Beast. I LOVED the Beast. I hold Dan Steven’s performance as equal and different from Robby Benson’s, and that is the highest praise I can give it. His Beast is less growly and irascible, more grumpy and self-effacing. I think it was a brilliant idea to re-interpret Beast as a classicist Sun Prince-eqsue figure and position him in juxtaposition to the romantic and intelligent farmgirl Belle. It changes the nature of their love story in that Beast’s flaws include his predilection to look down on others and judge them along with the usual selfishness and temper. Yet this Beast is just as soulful, just as expressive, and just as much of an endearing dork, made evident by Steven’s wonderful face-work beneath the CGI. It’s the little moments: the sharp exhale of shock and grief when Belle leaves, the surprised smile when Belle asks them to “go home,” the befuddled expression when he realizes in the library scene that he actually likes this girl. I felt like I was watching a different Beast, someone familiar yet refreshing, and I fell for the character. And then the song....

- Evermore. Yes, I’m that person. I’m playing it on loop. I have no shame. I wasn’t expecting this song, I wasn’t spoiled beforehand, so I was BLOWN AWAY. I really enjoy “If I Could Love Her,” but I understand Alan Menken’s explanation that it didn’t quite fit into this narrative. Evermore does. It’s a song of mourning yet it’s stalwart in the Beast’s resolution to keep waiting, keep going on even as he believes that Belle is never coming back and that he IS going to waste away for YEARS all alone. It really has some dark implications when you pause to think of it, but this song soars beyond them, carried by the imagery of the Beast rising higher and higher in his tower to see Belle leave and then THAT SHOT pulling out of the tower to Belle...it was EVERYTHING. 

- Maurice. I really appreciate that Kevin Kline brought a dignity and quiet strength to this character that was treated as a caricature before. I really felt for the character in his grief, and I think he had more dimensions within this film and that made his relationship with Belle more compelling. 

- GAS-FREAKIN-STON. Or LUKE EVANS. Luke Evans made this character his own and I think his performance is one element of the movie I like better than the animated film. His Gaston is still egoistic and broad, but there is a kind of cunning and real malice in his actions that heightens both his attraction and his presence as a villain. He’s just so enjoyable to watch as he’s trying to manipulate Maurice’s affections or preening in his chair during “Gaston” or bellowing in the kill the beast sequence. Not only does he have the singing chops, there is so much personality and charm in this performance and it’s simply magnetic. 

- The set. Yes, there is a blend of Jacques Cocteau and other fantasy films, but this set was haunting and magical to me. I liked the sinuous shapes of the outer facade, the crumbling floors, the detail in Belle’s bedroom (the gold on the ceiling ugh). It was a beautiful setting, and a feast for the eyes. 

- The stakes are raised. I cared about the supporting characters before and they were all lovable, but I think this movie conveyed more clearly what the cost of the curse is and how tragic it is for all those caught within it. Mrs. Potts, Lumiere, Cogsworth and the others are desperate for this to work because their humanity is at stake (and for Mrs. Potts, her SON’S) and there is a yearning for that carried in the film that adds even more emotional weight. I don’t know if I’m the only one that actually loves “Days in the Sun,” but this song got to me. They’re wondering whether they will ever be human again, but not in a celebratory, bombastic way like “Human Again,” but in an understated, more poignant way. There’s a beauty of the human spirit that rises in the song, evidenced beautifully by Audra McDonald’s delivery of: “I could sing/Of the pain these dark days bring/Of this spell we’re under/Still it’s the wonder of us I’m singing tonight.” They haven’t given up on hope or of love, and though Belle’s change really isn’t made as clear, this is probably what impacts her decision to stay. So when they become objects at the end, the score cradling that moment, it’s devastating. 

The Good 

- The love story. Both versions are good, but I feel like the way it’s developed in the live-action film is more organic and allows the characters to spend a little bit more time together. It was so sweet to see Beast and Belle bonding over their love of books (say that 3x fast), the quiet understanding that passes between them when they visit Paris, the comfortable dynamic they enjoy as they puzzle over how they are both oddities. And the transformation moment, while somewhat dulled, is undeniably charming because of Belle’s tearful relief when she sees Beast/Adam. This was probably the most important element to get right, and I thought it was solid. Plus it crushes all the Stockholm-syndrome arguments by framing Belle’s decision to stay and help the castle residents and giving attention to her desire for freedom and efforts to escape in the beginning.

- The supporting characters. Like I said, I expected them to be wonderful and they were. I loved every performance, and this set of amazing actors brought new life to the characters. Special shoutout to Ian McKellan’s crusty Cogsworth, who made me like Cogsworth in a way I didn’t before. Also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that instead of Babette, a feather duster coded as a sexualized French maid, we get a beautiful, elegant Plumette and a tender love story with her and Lumiere. AND SHE’S PLAYED BY GUGU MBATHA-RAW, a gorgeous black woman. And she gets one of the prettiest costume designs in the movie, a woman who should be a princess in her own right (someday...). 

- The rest of the songs still have the vitality and warmth of the original. “Gaston” is a highlight of the film and I really appreciate that they included Howard Ashman’s original lyrics (in other songs too). They made the film feel new to me.

- The fact that I ended up shipping a operatic wardrobe and a toothless harpsichord. Like...they had a dynamic that was unexpectedly moving and I was really rooting for them. 

- Belle’s village is ethnically diverse! Like Brandy-Cinderella levels integrated. That was pretty cool. 

- The French-ification. Okay...it’s still not in French, but I really liked that this film stands apart from the animated version by heightening the French aspects of the original story. The costuming (expect for maybe Belle--more on that later), the sets, the inclusion of “Maman” and Notre Dame, and the overall aesthetic provided a welcome fusion of the original and the animated. 

- BELLE TRIES TO ESCAPE. Like, she really tries to get out but decides to bring the Beast back and stay. She’s curious about the curse and learns more about it, and she remains an assertive character who pushes back when people try to make her comply. 

- Belle’s little “UGH!” during the “Belle” reprise. I can relate. 

- It’s a little thing, but Dan Steven’s disgusted head tilt when rejecting the rose. It cracks me up but points to the pompousness nature of the character. That’s when I knew we were getting a different Beast. 

- The “Beauty and the Beast” scene was really lovely to look at and was somehow more charged (maybe it was the dip?). The revolving shot when Beast lifts Belle up...magic 

- Every time Beast smiles toothily like a weirdo. Just charmed. 

- I actually like the trip to Paris scene because it allows for more of Belle’s development and for her realization that the castle (and Beast) has become home. It was also hella dark (like PLAGUE Disney--REALLY?!)

- That freakin’ snowball. EVERY theater I went to laughed uproariously at that scene, and Beast’s delighted laugh afterwards makes it. 

- LeFou and Gaston’s dynamic. There was a camaraderie and friendship that was fun to watch, and I thought Josh Gad did a great job with the role. 

- That mob song was so gooooood. I wanted to fist pump to it and I liked LeFou’s “But I fear the real monster’s unleashed.”

- The final ballroom scene is really sweet. I loved the sequence with “Winter turns to spring” and what a quiet moment it was. An addition that worked really well. 

- The end credits made my heart swell, and my aesthetic was all the silhouettes of the supporting characters and then the zoom out the stairs with Celine Dion soothing us the whole time with her beautiful voice. Gosh those credits were beautiful...

- Some of Emma’s line deliveries stood out to me, in particular when she declares “And I told you NO,” when she tells her father “Yes. Yes it is” in response to him telling her that returning to the Beast would be dangerous, and the “I love you.” Those were moments where I saw the strength of Belle emerge and Emma disappeared into the role, leading to...

The Meh 

- Emma Watson’s performance was the underwhelming one for me. I wanted so much to like it, but in some scenes it felt flat and just didn’t carry the passion of Paige O’Hara (the “Belle” reprise is a prime example). I still saw Emma as Emma and not necessarily as Belle. Yet even her performance warmed to me over time, and I think I appreciate more of it with each watch. The autotuned singing did take me out of the movie at times, and I really wished that was better because Emma does have a gentle sweetness in her voice and looks beautiful in the film. Was it bad? No. But it wasn’t my favorite Belle performance. In the end, it did sell the love story and I still enjoyed the character, but I think this performance was the weaker note in a solid film. 

- The dress. It was still pretty and floaty, but I wanted more. I wanted Cinderella-level brilliance, something that evoked the iconic dress of the animated version. This was nice, but it could have made so much more of a statement. 

- The inclusion of the Enchantress into the rest of the film. This really felt unnecessary. I get why they did it, but the scenes really didn’t make much sense. Why is Agatha living in the village? Is she monitoring the curse? WHY? Why is she a poor barmaid? Why does she have a Morgana-eque forest hovel? Like maybe they were going for enigmatic, but her scenes just felt like filler and could have been taken out without much impact or just expanded differently. 

- MRS POTTS SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT LINE. She should not have said “It’s because he loves her.” That was the Beast’s moment--his moment to finally acknowledge that he loves Belle because he doesn’t have a moment to really say it in the rest of the film, and it’s supposed to be a weighty moment. That was robbed in the film by giving the line to Mrs. Potts and I will fight you on this. 

-  I get it...but Belle hiking up her dress every other moment and going out IN WINTER without layers annoyed me like AREN’T YOU COLD. I wanted to throw blankets at her. 

- Why give Cogsworth a love interest? That felt gratuitous and unnecessary. That lady had some pipes though...

- Some of the pacing felt rushed because of the editing, and I really wish the film had slowed down to linger in some moments. 

- It really weirded me out that Belle had all these conversations about the curse and the Beast RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BEAST. Like...he wasn’t sleeping. It just felt kind of...not right? Like, can you talk about him somewhere else? Was I the only one who felt uneasy about that? 

- THE LAST SHOT. If you’ve seen it, you know. You know why the movie shouldn’t end with that. An editor should have been on that and it still jars me. 

I honestly can’t think of anything else right now that I really disliked. Some of the song sequences could have been more powerful (yes I still keep going back to that “Belle” reprise) and Emma’s performance was inconsistent (because there were moments in it that were quite good to be fair), but overall, it comes down to the fact that I enjoyed the film enough to see it three times. I mean...that’s a review in itself, and better than 500+ words on the topic. The movie had enough in it that made me love it, and me and my friend sang through the “Beauty and the Beast” cover at the end, bobbing to the syncopated beats, and we had a great time.

The point of a review isn’t to convince you to like a movie. It’s to point to the way you interacted with it in case someone else can resonate with it, get excited by it, or feel legitimated in the way they feel about it--whether good or bad. I enjoyed the live-action Beauty and the Beast, so now I’m going to stop typing, make some quesadillas, and return to listening to “Evermore” on loop. 

[hamilficsfordays]

New Beginning—Chapter Seven: Off Her Meds

Disclaimer: I try to display the struggles of an abuse victim as accurately as I can.

Also posted on Ao3

Summary: Lin and Vanessa get a sense of what Alexa is like when she’s not on her medication.

Rating: M for language, mentions of cutting/self-harming, mentions of sexual abuse of a child, mentions of rape.

Words: 6932 (Ah yes, the return of comically long chapters)

Askbox / Masterlist / Chapter Six / Chapter Eight

Tags:

@promisesandmore @justanotherfanficreader

They got lunch, picked up her prescription and headed home together. Her Zoloft was prescribed to take once a day in the morning, leaving her without medication until the next day.

Lin elected to watch The Little Mermaid in lieu of turning on the news when they got home, a welcome distraction from the constant talk about their family. Seeing her curled up on the couch in a blanket for the first time in a long time, he took to twitter.

@Lin_Manuel: You are so loved and SO important.

@Lin_Manuel: The Miranda family needs to take a personal day.

The second tweet included a photo, a shot of Alexa on the couch and highly engrossed with what was on TV.

As he continued to scroll through twitter, a few news outlets had released the information that the four boys seen on video the night of the assault had been released from custody and given a trial date. Though he was relieved they would be put on trial, the thought of them being out in the open was disappointing. Alexa didn’t notice his reaction to this news, as her eyes never left the TV.

As the day went on, one constant remained: she never left the couch. She was fixated on the screen. She didn’t speak, she didn’t even shift, just remained in the same spot. Breathing; existing.

“I think I should take her to work with me,” Lin whispered into the phone from his office, calling Vanessa who was still at work to express his concerns.

“Is she still out there?”

Lin peeked out of his room and into the living room. “She hasn’t moved an inch.”

“Maybe this is how she processes.” she offered. “It’s the first time she’s been with us in a while. She could just be re-adjusting.”

“I mean, it can’t hurt to get a distraction, can it? I’m worried about her. I’ve never seen her like this.”

“Are you sure you want to bring her there, though? It’s kind of an overwhelming environment.”

Lin shook his head. “It’s a place full of people who love and support her. She can hang back in my dressing room during the show. It’s just something else to do.”

Vanessa shrugged. “I guess.”

He hung up and stepped back out into the living room only to find Alexa in nearly the same position she was in before, this time holding one of Sebastian’s stuffed animals—a purple octopus.

“Hey Gen, what do you say we—oh.” he paused, taking in this new development. “Is that Sebastian’s?”

She tossed the toy across the room, it landing on the tile without a sound.

“Why can’t I remember anything about that night?” she asked, staring at the floor. “I thought being in familiar surroundings would help jog my memory but it hasn’t.”

“Come with me to the show tonight.” he offered, unable to answer the question. “Everyone wants to see you. They miss you.”

After a long pause, she stood up, pulling the blanket off of her shoulders.

“I should change.” she finally said.

“Maybe we should change your bandages too.” he offered, reaching for her arm.

“No, don’t touch me!” she pulled her hand away. The look of concern on Lin’s face centered her a bit as she crossed her arms over her chest. “I mean, they’re fine.” she insisted. “They put on new bandages right before I left the hospital. I’ll just change my clothes and we can leave.”

-

At the theatre, it seemed like everyone in the cast was so happy to see her again. They all greeted her with a smile or a hug, expressing how excited they were to have her back.

She had missed Lin’s dressing room, practically sprinting to the couch as soon as they got in. He laughed at the sight of her lounging as he set his stuff aside.

“I can’t wait to spend three hours playing Red Dead Redemption while you work your ass off out there.” she quipped. “That’ll probably be the fondest memory I have of this place whenever you decide to leave.”

“Sounds good to me. I have to work on Moana stuff in the meantime, so you’ll have to keep the sound off.”

Moana was an upcoming Disney animated film that Lin had been hired to help write songs for. He usually spent a few days a week working on Moana a few hours before Hamilton, leaving Alexa to her own devices if she was with him.

She turned on the Xbox and television, making sure it was muted before spending an hour focused on the game. Lin had his headphones on, hard at work.

After an hour, the effects of deciding not to eat before leaving the house were haunting her as her stomach cried out in protest.

“Hey Lin,” she paused the game, glancing over at him. With his headphones on, he heard nothing.

There was a t-shirt of his nearby on the floor, which she balled up and tossed at him to get his attention.

“Wha—what?” he turned around in his chair, pulling his headphones off.

“Why didn’t you tell me to eat before we left? I’m starving.” she reminded him.

“I wasn’t sure I could get you to move, let alone eat.” He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and took out a $20 bill, handing it to her along with his key card for entry back into the building. “Just get something and come back.”

Outside, there was already two lines of fans, one waiting on cancellation tickets, the others waiting to be let inside. Alexa passed by without a second thought, surprised when several of them called out her name.

She approaches a group of teenage girls cautiously. “You know who I am?”

“You’re Lin’s daughter.” one of them said.

“Everyone knows who you are.” another confirmed. “You’ve been all over the news since that guy like, sexually assaulted you.”

Alexa could hear her heart beating in her ears. She couldn’t manage an answer.

By now, most of the nearby fans in the line had caught wind of the conversation and were paying attention.

“What happened to your arms?” someone else asked, directing to the bandages on her wrist. “Did you self-harm?”

“Oh… uh—”

“That can’t be it.” the first girl said. “I would never even think about self-harming if I was her. I would like, die of happiness if Lin and Vanessa were my parents.”

The group of girls agreed.

Feeling incredibly overwhelmed, Lex turned away and headed down the street without a response. She grabbed one of her forearms, suddenly incredibly self-conscious of her bandages among the sea of Hamilton fans.

There was a food truck at the far end of the block that she headed to, ordering a lamb gyro and patiently waiting for it to be prepared.

As the man in the truck prepared her food, he stared at her regularly as if he’d seen her before. She wasn’t exactly comfortable with it, but only a block away from the theatre, she didn’t feel unsafe.

He finished her food and wrapped it up, taking her money and handing it the wrap to her.

“I know you!” he said as she began to walk away.

“What?”

“Yes, I see you all over the news! You’re the orphan girl! The white man raped you.”

Alexa looked down, embarrassed before starting to walk away.

“Don’t be sad!” he called out. “The white man rape everyone!”

Her heart was pounding fast again, her free hand balling into a fist. She had a sudden urge to scratch her forearms that her bandages prevented. She started to wonder if they were there for more of a preventative reason than a healing one.

As she walked back into the theatre, a few more fans called out her name. She ignored them—two incidents of being known as “the girl who got raped” was more than enough. She headed upstairs to Lin’s dressing room with change, which he rejected.

“No it’s okay, keep it. Hey, are you okay?”

The distraught look on her face caused his concern, a face she then tried to mask.

“What? No. I mean, yes. I’m fine.”

“Did something happen outside?” he pressed.

“I’m gonna go eat this in the kitchen.” she took the food with her downstairs to the kitchen area where a long empty table was waiting.

She couldn’t get the incidents from earlier out of her mind.

I’m a joke she thought. A product of my tragedy.

Coming to terms with this managed to suppress her appetite. She tossed the food in the trash can nearby before waiting a few minutes and heading back upstairs.

-

Lin prepared to head onstage and left fo places at seven, leaving Alexa behind in his dressing room.

Being alone wasn’t easy for her, as her thoughts became all too consuming voices in her head. She couldn’t shake the idea that everyone in the city knew her as some kind of tragedy. The feeling was harsh, upsetting, triggering. She desperately wanted to cut her bandages off and tear into the skin on her arms like she’d done before so many times but forced herself to resist the urge for as long as possible.

Toward the end of the first act, she found herself tapping on the desk in Lin’s dressing room furiously to fight her impulsive need for self-harm.

“Shit… fuck… fuck!”

Without medication, it was hard not to snap. Finally, she left the room, pushing past crew in the small hallway and into the costuming room. There was a table of supplies near the door, a pair of scissors close by.

When she returned to the dressing room, she opened the scissors and made a weak attempt at tearing her bandages off. When that failed, she began using her teeth to tear them off. Just then Jonathan Groff entered, still in costume from being onstage. Stepping into the dressing room to head to his own, he spotted Alexa sitting in the chair in front of the mirror and furiously scratching her forearms. There were spots of blood dripping onto her clothing as she reopened wounds that hadn’t yet healed, tears falling from her eyes while she sobbed periodically.

“Oh my god, Alexa, stop—”

He tried to deter her, distract her without getting too close. As if she couldn’t hear him, she pressed on. More blood, more tears. She was fighting every voice in her head by scratching harder, desperately trying to make her negative thoughts vanish.

“Oh shit…” Jonathan backed up to the door then, running out to look for someone, anyone to help.

Non-Stop had just started onstage, the music blaring over the backstage speakers and drifting behind the curtains.

He spotted Jasmine near one of the wings speaking to Anthony, who had just come off-stage from his final scene in the first act.

“Jas,” he pulled her away and toward Lin’s dressing room. “I need your help.”

Anthony followed close behind.

“What is it?” she asked, trying to pull her arm away.

“It’s Alexa. I don’t know how to help, but she won’t stop scratching her arms and there’s blood everywhere—I don’t know what to do.”

Jasmine stopped protesting and rushed ahead of Jonathan as they headed upstairs to Lin’s dressing room.

Alexa was still scratching when they came in, causing more damage alongside the scars that were there from beforehand.

“Lex…” Jasmine carefully approached her, softly placing a hand on her shoulder. “Honey, you need to stop scratching your arms.“

Another sob erupted from the teenager’s chest as she continued to forcibly irritate her skin with no end in sight.

From the doorway, Anthony and John were watching closely.

“Jas, just grab her arms and stop her.”

“I don’t want to hurt her… or end up getting hurt,” she confessed.

The first act was nearing its end.

“Anthony, go find Lin as soon as he gets offstage,” she instructed, prompting him to run off to Lin’s exit point just in time for the song to end. There was a thunderous applause from the audience as the lights cut out, all of the actors headed in separate directions.

Anthony grabbed Lin as soon as he came through the door and rushed him toward the older man’s dressing room.

“Woah, what’s going on?”

“It’s Alexa.” was all he said.

Lin became suddenly frantic, following his co-star back to his dressing room.

Jasmine moved away toward the door when she saw Lin rush toward Alexa. He kneeled in front of her, holding onto both of her arms to force her to stop. There was blood staining his hands and the white cuffs of his costume, but he didn’t pull away.

She continued crying, burying her face in his chest as he wrapped his arms around her.

“What is wrong with me?” she managed between sobs. He stroked her hair, shushing her in the hope that she’d eventually calm down.

By now most of the cast had gathered in the doorway watching this occur. He carefully shut the door to all of them, leaving only him and Alexa in the room.

There was plenty of blood on his costume at that point, though he was not deterred. After a few minutes, there was a knock on the door before the stage manager carefully opened it.

“Lin…” he whispered. “We just need to know if you’re going on in the second act. Javi’s on standby if you want to leave, but we’re 10 minutes to places and we need an answer now.”

Alexa hadn’t let go of him and seemed to have no desire to do so. She was shaking, her breath uneven.

He bit his lip, hesitant for a moment.

“I’ll leave.” he finally decided. “Put Javi on for act two.”

-

Within minutes, Lin had changed out of his costume. They used clean pieces of fabric from the costuming room as temporary bandages for Alexa’s wounds and they were in a cab headed uptown just after act two began.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asked, once they were safely headed home.

She was staring out the window, focused on the passing lights outside. She grabbed his hand for support before explaining the crowd outside and the guy in the food truck who had both managed to trigger her.

She could feel tears welling up in her eyes yet again.

“What the fuck.” she finally groaned, covering her face.

“I’m sorry,” he tried. “If I had known they would be there—”

“How is it fair that they know more about what happened to me that night than I do?” she demanded, her hands curling into fists.

“It’s not.” he conceded, rubbing her back supportively. “But this too shall pass. I think we all just need sleep.”

-

At home, Vanessa was already asleep.

Lin had gathered the hydrogen peroxide and bandages from the cabinet in the bathroom and prepared to tend to her wounds over the sink.

With his hair pulled back, he carefully removed the cloth covering her arms and poured the peroxide over the affected areas, letting it rid of any remaining bacteria.

Alexa was quiet, her face still red from crying beforehand.

After some silence, Lin offered a small smile.

“I know it’s hard,” he started. “I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I also know that you can fight. You’ll come out stronger on the other side.”

She sighed. “I’m tragedy-prone.”

“You are absolutely not.” he insisted, drying her arms off.

“You didn’t know me before I came here. Every person in my life might as well have been competing on who could fuck me up the most.”

He started to wrap a bandage around one of her arms.

“Well, you coming to live with Vanessa and me was no tragedy.”

“I know.” she nodded. “It almost feels like I don’t deserve it.”

“Lex,” he paused, making eye contact with her. “You deserve nothing but the absolute best. Just because you haven’t gotten it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

“I deserved to get raped. That’s why it happened, isn’t it?”

“What happened to you happened because a bunch of immature, poorly-raised teenage boys couldn’t get girls to actually go on a date with them so they had to drug someone just to do anything. That was not your fault and you certainly did not deserve it.”

He finished bandaging one arm and started with the other.

“It’s hard not to feel that way sometimes, though.” she pointed out.

“Well, that’s something for us to work on then, isn’t it?”

He finished with the bandage and kissed the top of her head.

“You’ll come out on the other side of this, okay? You will, I promise.”

She nodded once in response.

“In the meantime, get some rest. Things will be easier to process once you’ve gotten a good night’s sleep.”

Lying in bed that night, however, Alexa couldn’t even consider rest.

As curiosity mixed with anger, she pulled out her laptop and searched for answers about what happened to her that fateful night.

Anger became horror as she was immediately presented with evidence—dozens of photos and videos of her being violated.

Horror kept her up through the night, tossing and turning as her mind clouded with the images.

The next morning, she trekked into the kitchen exhausted and still haunted by the images from last night. The bandages around her forearms had small spots of blood on them as reminisces of the night before. Lin was feeding Sebastian in his high chair and Vanessa was cooking over the stove. She turned the heat off when Alexa came in, hugging her suddenly.

It was the first time she’d seen the teen since her return. Though V was clearly excited to see her, Lex froze, unwilling to touch her foster mother let alone hug back.

“Did you get any sleep last night?” Lin questioned, seeing the bags under her eyes. “You look exhausted.”

“I am not a product of my environment, but a product of my expectations.” she stated, rather poetically, in response.

It grabbed the attention of both parents.

“Are you okay?” Vanessa asked.

“Do you know how many videos there are of me getting raped online?” she managed through a yawn.

Their concern grew exponentially.

“You really shouldn’t watch that.” Vanessa insisted. “I don’t think that’s healthy—”

“I needed to know.” she insisted, flat. “No one was being honest with me. Everyone is afraid of scaring my or hurting my feelings. You have no idea what I went through before I even met you. I needed to know what happened.”

“We just put your breakfast on the table,” Lin announced, attempting to change the subject.

He pointed her toward the dining room. Sure enough, there was a lone plate in front of one of the chairs with eggs, bacon and half a bagel on it, a bowl of fruit and a glass of orange juice beside it.

While she headed over, Lin pulled a pill bottle from one of the cabinets and followed her.

She sat in front of the meal, still warm, as he sat beside her. He opened the bottle, sliding one pill out and placing it on the napkin her utensils were resting on.

A sigh followed.

“It’s for your own good.” He kissed the top of her head. “You’ll feel a lot better, I promise.”

She picked it up slowly, placing it on her tongue before taking a swig of orange juice to wash it down.

“Good.” he nodded. “As long as you take your medication every day, things should be back on track by the time school starts next week.”

Though Alexa was hesitant to restart her routine medication, she could admit that things were looking up. Her sleep was more consistent, she had stopped self-harming, and her mental health had improved overall. She felt happier. So much so that when it was time to take her meds a week later, she figured missing a day wouldn’t be a big deal. It was the same Saturday she had agreed to go on a shopping trip with Vanessa, who was eager to improve their relationship and ecstatic to do something together. Lin was attending a formal, red-carpet event that evening, leaving Lex and Vanessa on their own. Vanessa’s mother happily agreed to babysit Sebastian while they were out.

After a short time, Vanessa quickly realized that “We can go wherever you want.” may not have been the best thing to say as they headed out.

Alexa was opting for only the most expensive, high-end stores on the Upper East Side.

Vanessa stayed silent for fear of upsetting her daughter, but her credit card limits were becoming concerning the more Alexa spent.

Still, the teen had never been so happy and upbeat around her. She didn’t want to mess that up.

-

After several stores and several thousands of dollars spent, they headed into a Valentino store when Alexa saw a red gown displayed in the window that she thought was gorgeous. She asked an associate to remove it so she could try it on.

There were small dressing rooms at the back of the store covered by curtains, one of which Alexa stepped into with the gown in hand.

Vanessa began conversing with the associate while her daughter was changing.

In the dressing room, Alexa was infatuated with the dress. The long sleeves covered the bandages on her arms—a feature she was particularly fond of. The dress boasted a low neckline and was particularly slimming. She didn’t need much convincing to purchase it.

There was a tag hanging off the back of the dress that displayed an atrociously high price. One that she certainly couldn’t afford, and one that she was sure Vanessa couldn’t either.

Peeking out from behind the curtain, she could see Vanessa and the associate distracted looking at scarves.

Thinking quickly, she grabbed a pair of shoes from the many shopping bags that she’d carried in, slipping them on to replace her black flats. She grabbed her purse, leaving the other shopping bags behind and quietly made her way from the dressing room to the front door. She sprinted out, hailing a nearby empty cab and rushing into it.

An alarm went off by the door, alerting Vanessa and every sales associate that something had happened.

Vanessa glanced back at the dressing room, seeing an open curtain revealing Alexa’s clothes from earlier among a large group of shopping bags.

“Oh no…” her voice trailed off when she realized what Alexa had done.

“Ma’am, you’re going to have to pay for that dress.” the associate beside her was adamant. “If you don’t, we’ll have to call the authorities.”

Approaching the register, Vanessa could feel her hands shaking.

“Your total is seventeen eighty-four.” The young female associate held out her hand for a form of payment.

“Seventeen hundred?” Vanessa questioned, hopeful.

“Seventeen thousand.”

V pulled out her wallet, handing the female associate a credit card. She swiped it through, handing it back to the older woman.

“Declined.”

She pulled out another card, only to have the same result. A different male associate approached the two of them, asking what the concern was.

“Just call the police.” the female associate insisted. “Someone left with one of our display gowns.”

“Oh no, that won’t be necessary.” she pulled out a third card and handed it to the associate. “I’m sure one of these will work.”

With a smug look on her face, the associate handed it back. “That’s unlikely. Declined.”

Panicked, devitalized, she knew there was only one thing left that she could do.

“Let me call my husband.” she offered.

-

In midtown, Lin was arriving at a gala event when his phone began ringing. He answered it with a smile.

“Hey V, how’s it going? Are you guys getting along?”

“You need to come here right now.” Her voice was low and worrisome.

“What? Why?”

“I’m at a very expensive store and Alexa just ran out and hopped into a cab wearing a heinously expensive dress. You need to come here.”

Lin’s publicist began waving him inside, telling him to wrap up his phone conversation.

“I can’t leave now.” he insisted. “Just pay for it and we’ll go find her in a while.”

“Lin, you need to come here right now. They won’t let me leave unless someone pays for this dress.”

“You can’t just pay for it?”

“It’s too expensive.” she insisted. “If you show up we might be able to split the cost, but you have to come here.”

Lin sighed, glancing as his publicist who was growing increasingly frustrated.

“Where are you?”

“Madison between 68th and 69th.”

“I’m on my way.”

As Lin left the event and headed uptown, Alexa arrived just a few moments later, still in the gown.

She paid the cab driver and strutted out onto the red carpet, feeling elated and energized for someone who typically went out of their way to avoid being photographed.

They asked her who she was, to which she proudly replied, “Lin-Manuel Miranda’s daughter.”

When they asked her who she was wearing, she didn’t hold back.

“I just stole this Valentino dress and came here! I know, right? I look amazing.”

-

Lin arrived at the store within the hour, seeing his wife waiting by the register. She wasted no time filling him in on everything that had happened.

“She didn’t come back?”

Vanessa shook her head. “No. We have no idea where she went.”

“Your wife has had multiple cards rejected.” the associate chimed in. “My manager is prepared to call the authorities if neither of you can pay for the dress.

“Exactly how expensive is this dress?”

“Seventeen thousand dollars.”

“Oh,” Lin shrugged, pulling out his wallet and handing the card to the associate. “Is that it?” He turned to Vanessa, who was shocked at how calm he was over such an exuberant amount. “I thought you said it was heinously expensive?”

“It is.” she insisted, almost suspicious of how calm he was.

The card worked on the first try.

“This one works,” The associate gave a knowing look to Vanessa before returning the card to Lin along with a receipt.

“Clearly we know who makes the money in that relationship.” she whispered.

“What did you just say?” V demanded, clearly offended by the comment.

“Can I help you with anything else?”

“You’re sure you have no idea where she went?” Lin pressed, changing the subject.

Vanessa did not.

“I’ll try calling her.” he offered, pulling his phone out.

Still on the red carpet in midtown, Alexa pulled her ringing phone out of her purse in front of the photographers.

“I was just looking for you.”

Lin was relatively calm when she picked up, though his voice was slightly laced with frustration.

“Lex… where are you right now?”

“I’m at your event.” she informed him with a smile.

“You’re in Bryant Park right now?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at Valentino with Vanessa buying a seventeen thousand dollar dress that I have every intention of returning.”

Alexa couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh my god, you had to buy it for her? She couldn’t afford it?”

“That’s not important.” he insisted.

“Was she emasculated?” her voice seemed to raise an octave as if she was more excited by the thought. “Did she cry?! Oh, now I’m sorry that I left.”

“Lex… this isn’t funny.”

The photographers in front of her began calling out her name again.

“Hey, remember when I said I didn’t like attention?” she prompted to Lin over the phone. “I think that may have been the Zoloft talking. I didn’t take my meds this morning and honestly, I am loving the attention I’m getting right now. These photographers can’t get enough of me. That might be because I told them I just stole this dress, though.”

“You didn’t take your meds?” Lin had immediately gone from frustrated to concerned. “You know what? Stay where you are. V and I are coming to get you, and then we’re going to have a really long talk about what just happened.”

“If you say so.”

With that, she hung up.

-

When the three of them finally arrived home that evening, tensions were high. While Vanessa still seemed upset about the money situation, Alexa was relaxed, lounging across the loveseat in the living room; still wearing the stolen gown.

“Okay so,” Lin opted to stand to present a firm parental stance, Vanessa beside him. “This did not go well today.”

“I agree.” Alexa insisted. “Vanessa, you seem really upset about this whole situation.”

Vanessa didn’t respond to her, still glaring at Lin.

“Where did you get that kind of money?” she demanded.

“V,” Still attempting to parent, Lin was confused to find out that his finances were the biggest of his wife’s concerns. “I think the more important question is why Alexa neglected to take her meds and then stole a seventeen thousand dollar dress and left you to pay for it.”

“Which she couldn’t, by the way.” the teen added, gleefully.

“Lex…” he warned.

“What? All I’m saying is that being a lawyer clearly doesn’t pay as much as being the guy who wrote Hamilton does.”

Vanessa, still focused on her husband, pressed on. “When we first started dating, you were and English sub who had nothing. I paid the bills. I bought us dinner. Now you can drop seventeen grand like it’s nothing?”

“You were poor when you guys met?” Lex asked, genuinely surprised.

“So we both make a lot of money now!” he shot back, growing increasingly stressed with both conversations. “Why is that a problem? I thought that was the goal, V! I don’t understand why you’re so upset?!”

“I can’t picture it.” Lex continued. “I can only picture you making way more money than Vanessa like you obviously do now—”

Now equally frustrated with Lex’s behavior, they both cut her off.

“STOP doing that!” they said in unison.

“Doing what?”

“You trying to turn us against one another isn’t making this situation any better.” Lin insisted.

Finally, Vanessa seceded. “You need to talk to her about this without me here. I’m going to… sort out my finances in the meantime.” She headed toward her office. “This conversation isn’t over.”

“What conversation?!” Lin prompted yet again. Vanessa ignored him, though, leaving the room.

“I’ve honestly never seen someone so offended because their spouse makes more money than them.” Lex started once her mother had left. “What is she so afraid of? That you’re going to leave her for someone who needs financial help a la Maria Reynolds? Honestly, what a bitch.”

Lin took a breath. “Lex, you told me that you didn’t take your meds this morning.”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Why not? That was a part of our deal, remember? When we left the hospital last week, you told me you would take your meds every day.”

“I mean I was going to,” she tried. “It’s just… things have been going really well since then, and I figured skipping one day wouldn’t be that big of a deal.”

“You can’t just stop taking your medication because things are going well.” he reminded her.

“Why not? It isn’t that bad.”

“Because not taking your medication is causing you to make destructive decisions. Decisions like stealing a seventeen thousand dollar dress and leaving Vanessa behind to pay for it. Then calling her a bitch for no reason.”

“She is a bitch.” Lex insisted. “My saying it doesn’t make me a bad person.”

Lin was clearly frustrated and even angry at this point, an emotion he rarely ever felt.

“You would not be saying that if you knew how much work she put into getting you back here.”

The teen seemed surprised by this news. “Wait, what? She did?”

“Who do you think told me to write that speech? Vanessa came up with an incredibly thought out, specific plan that not only kept Claudia from getting wrongfully terminated but got you back to us. I was too defeated to do anything. I thought we had lost you forever. She worked tirelessly on getting you back, while being a lawyer full time, while being a mother to Sebastian, and while keeping me from losing my shit because you were gone.”

Alexa was suddenly on edge—she’d never seen Lin like this before.

“Oh my god, you’re for real mad.”

“You would not even be back here if it weren’t for her. You have no idea what she went through to get you back, and you’ve done nothing but treat her like a second-class citizen for the last week.”

There were tears welling up in her eyes. Lin had taken on the role of the closest thing that Alexa had to a friend since she had been living with them. Having her only “friend” upset with her was a looming, uncomfortable feeling.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” she managed through tears. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. You could’ve handled this situation a lot more maturely than you did. You’re responsible for your behavior despite your mental illnesses, and you’re choosing not to take responsibility.”

The teen’s thoughts became overwhelming as her emotions rushed to the surface. She started sobbing, unable to hold back.

It took every ounce of power that Lin had to hold it together and not immediately comfort her.

“I’m not saying you have to be best friends with her, but you at least owe her an apology. However you decide to do that is up to you.”

She held a hand up to her neck, concern building. “Why is my heart beating so fast?”

Lin sat on the loveseat beside her and felt her pulse, confirming that it was faster than normal.

“You didn’t take your meds, and now you’re having a panic attack because I’m temporarily upset with your behavior. That’s not a rational response, mija. You need to take your medication properly.”

Her breathing became increasingly uneven. Lin managed to help her through the panic attack. When the worst was over, he stood up, off to handle pressing marital issues.

“I need to go talk to Vanessa. We’ll talk more tomorrow, okay? Change out of that dress—we’re returning it as soon as possible.”

-

Safely in Vanessa’s office with the door closed, Lin was hopeful to end their financial conversation on a good note.

“I need you to explain to me what about all of this is making you so upset.” he started, sitting on the small couch on the far end of the room. “I want to help, but I don’t know how.”

Vanessa rolled her eyes, turning in her desk chair to face him. “This isn’t about you helping, Lin.”

“Then what is it? If you’re upset about me spending that much, you know I have every intention of returning it, right?”

“I’m upset that you could afford that dress and I couldn’t.” she finally confessed. “It was embarrassing having all of my cards declined and then having to beg you to step in only to watch you pay for it on the first try.”

“Why is that embarrassing? We’re both financially stable. I don’t see how that could be bad—”

“We’ve never been this way.” Vanessa reminded him. “Until Hamilton came to be, I always made more money than you and we were doing just fine.”

“You don’t make any less money now than you did then.” he pointed out. “I still don’t see what the problem is. Do you not want me to be successful?”

“No, that’s not it at all,” she moved from the chair and sat beside him on the small couch. “It’s just you being this financially stable. When I started dating you, I took comfort in the fact that I’d be making more money and would inevitably be the primary breadwinner. It was empowering. As a woman, I felt more in control and that was an amazing feeling. It’s not that I wanted any less for you.”

“Is making more money than me really that important to you?” he asked, taken aback by her explanation.

“A little.” she confessed.

“I don’t-I can’t help you. Hamilton is the most successful thing that I’ve ever created and I can’t shut down the production just because you’re feeling insecure about money.”

“That’s not what I’m saying—” she tried.

“I thought we were in this together, V?”

“We are!” she insisted.

Lin could sense that their conversation was headed toward rising tension. He hoped to stop it before that happened.

“Today was a long day,” he insisted. “I think we should sleep on it and talk about it tomorrow.”

Vanessa nodded slowly, staying behind as Lin stood up and left her office.

-

The next day, Lin made absolutely sure that Lex had taken her medication.

The teen spent most of the day stressed out, after spending hours attempting to find a way to apologize to Vanessa. She didn’t know much about the woman—she was a chemical engineer and a lawyer; she was married to Lin; she had one son and Alexa, who’d been treating her poorly since the day they met.

She headed downtown in search of something to buy to make things up to her mother.

She opted to step inside a bookstore, hoping a title would catch her eye. There were an array of titles that seemed interesting, but nothing quite right for an apology.

In the children’s section, she came across one book that seemed promising. She purchased it promptly and headed back uptown.

At home, Vanessa was in the living room hard at work on her laptop over a case. Alexa approached her carefully, sitting on the far end of the couch.

She took the book out and placed it on the coffee table in front of them, using her hand to slowly slide it toward Vanessa.

Vanessa glanced at the book and then at her daughter, who elected to stare at the ground rather than make eye contact.

The book was titled Rosie Revere Engineer, a nod to one of Vanessa’s many skills.

“What is this?” she asked, calmly.

“Rosie Revere Engineer.” Lex stated, blushing. “It’s about a girl who wants to create things. It teaches the importance of failure. I don’t think Sebastian is old enough to understand it yet but when he is, you could always read it to him. I know you’re a chemical engineer, but there are no children’s books about chemical engineers.”

“Okay…” Vanessa was still cautious as if she half-expected things to suddenly go wrong.

Alexa shifted, clearly uncomfortable as she tried to speak her mind.

“I um… I take out a lot of my mom issues on you and I… I shouldn’t do that.”

There was silence as she groaned, rubbing her face as she struggled to get the words out. Vanessa waited patiently for her to continue.

“The first mom that I remember having was really sexually abusive. She kind of fucked up moms for me. I’m kind of just now coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have to take that stress trauma out on every mother figure that I have.”

Again, silence.

“I’m… sorry. For what I did yesterday and how I’ve been acting towards you. It’s not easy for me to warm up to you, but I want to try.”

Vanessa managed a small smile. She tried to put a hand on Alexa’s shoulder, but the teen moved away, rushing to the far side of the room.

“I’m not there yet.” she insisted. “I hope you don’t take it personally. It’s not your fault, I swear.”

Her mother nodded slowly. “I understand. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

Vanessa wasn’t sure, but she thought she saw a smile on her daughter’s face.

[emma-what-son]

The Importance of Belle and Why Disney Should Stop Diminishing her Power

From Bibliodaze Feb. 2017: Like any 90s kid who grew up with a portion of their childhood spent glued to the TV, the Disney Renaissance played a pivotal role in my development. From my earliest memory – a cinema visit to see Aladdin – to my burgeoning pop culture critic days arguing in favour of The Hunchback of Notre Dame (still my favourite Disney film ever), that decade of cinematic genius remains embedded in my psyche in a way I can never fully convey in a mere think-piece. I’m 26 years old and I still find my most satisfying moments of comfort when I watch those films or extravagantly mime along to those classic songs in my bedroom (when everyone else is out of the house, of course). Disney isn’t just a studio, it’s a lifestyle. For better or worse, they are the only studio who market themselves as an arbiter of how to live your life. The way they established themselves as immensely powerful guides on how to be a person is a strange phenomenon that’s in many ways deeply insidious, and yet I cannot deny the influence they wield over me to this day.

Part of that is rooted in one character: Belle. The heroine of Beauty and the Beast, arguably Disney’s masterpiece, has inspired countless girls and women. Cinderella may get the castle but it’s Belle who stands as the studio’s defining character. The bookish protagonist who admires kindness and has no tolerance for arrogance; the hard worker who demands her autonomy even as she makes the biggest sacrifice; the aloof loner who finds true solace in another through the strangest of circumstances; and a fiercely dedicated daughter who still craves escape from the only life she’s ever known. In short, Belle stands as Disney’s pioneering feminist princess.

It seems as though every Disney heroine from Belle onwards has been decreed the studio’s “first feminist princess”: Since Disney’s most recent resurgence in critical and commercial power, the label has been applied liberally on every film, from Mulan to Moana. While it is encouraging that the most powerful behemoth in entertainment continues its progressive journey in regards to its portrayal of women, it seems odd to eschew the past in such a specific way. To deny Belle’s influence and importance within the canon of animation, children’s entertainment and pop culture at large is to deny a defining moment in their own history.

And yet that seems to be what’s at play with their upcoming live-action adaptation of the story. It is inevitable that Bill Condon’s Beauty and the Beast will make screeds of money, regardless of its quality. It’s a genius business tactic for Disney, who have always used their audience’s nostalgia for their creations to profitable effect through TV shows, sequels, theme park attractions and merchandise, to continue this trend with live-action remakes of their most iconic properties. Cinderella was surprisingly charming and The Jungle Book was entrancing in its visuals. Obviously, Beauty and the Beast was the next logical step, yet their own treatment of the heroine who sold a million polyester dress-up kits is surprising and disheartening.

Since its announcement, Disney and the new Belle Emma Watson, have been working overtime to ensure audiences that this version of Beauty and the Beast will “add a feminist touch” to the material. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Watson explained an added backstory to Belle, which she said would explain why the character is so ostracized by the village she lives in with her father:

“In the animated movie, it’s her father who is the inventor, and we actually co-opted that for Belle. I was like, ‘Well, there was never very much information or detail at the beginning of the story as to why Belle didn’t fit in, other than she liked books. Also what is she doing with her time?’ So, we created a backstory for her, which was that she had invented a kind of washing machine, so that, instead of doing laundry, she could sit and use that time to read instead. So, yeah, we made Belle an inventor.”

Putting aside Watson’s crediting of herself for this particular addition to Belle’s story, the information she gives is flat out wrong. She expanded upon this point in a later interview with the same publication, noting that the washing machine she invents is another suspicious sign of her intellect.

“They’re deeply suspicious of intelligence and at anyone who is going beyond that. Breaking the washing machine is symbolic of not just them breaking something she spent hours working on, they’re trying to break her spirit.”

Other than Watson’s dazzling understanding of metaphors, we see another clear problem with her take on the character and how Disney have diminished of their own creation. It is clear in the film why the villagers don’t like Belle. They distrust a woman who refuses to engage with the limiting roles forced upon women. A woman who reads books and seems utterly unconcerned with what people say about her is suspicious, more so when she refuses the attentions of the top bachelor in town and lives at home with a ‘kook’ professor. When Gaston comes to her house to propose to her, an array of villagers are outside waiting to ‘congratulate’ her, conveniently forgetting her obvious distaste for the man and the possibility she may not want to have a surprise wedding sprung upon her on her own doorstep. Even before the Mob Song – an entire song that reveals the easily encouraged paranoia and bullying of the town – it’s clear that the village are trapped by their own prejudices and ideas of how people, particularly women, should behave. Belle isn’t like them, so she must be corrected. She doesn’t need a washing machine metaphor to bash over the audience’s head.

The denial of the audience’s understanding of Belle’s journey by Watson as she continues her carefully manicured PR journey is something that Disney has quietly been doing for years. They deny the character’s influence and power even as they slap her face on every product possible. They fetishise the iconography surrounding her but never the icon herself. A character screenwriter Linda Woolverton fought tooth and nail to craft as deftly as she did is reduced to a mere stepping stone to promote the new effort. It’s not just a disheartening erasure of a cultural milestone; it’s lazy writing.

Disney’s upcoming slate is packed full of re-imaginings of their popular heroines as well as the crafting of new ones, and they’ll continue to influence and interrogate our culture for many generations to come (even more so now Star Wars and Marvel have joined the family). It is important to demand the most from our pop culture and refuse tired excuses, but history matters, as does the importance of the works that came before. Those stories and characters are more than just nostalgia bins to mine for new material, and Disney should treasure that with Belle beyond her capacity to sell plastic tiaras.

[illdepths]

✿ / ❤ / ☁ / ★

@thscharmngman​

✿  +  ☁  –  five times my muse has thought about and almost texted yours and the one time they do something about it.

I. INSOMNIA

It’s late at night when he can’t sleep. The TV’s on low, the thrum of incoherent voices a modern lullaby for his restless mind. His eyes are on the screen, but he doesn’t see what’s going on. What he does notice is a guy on TV looks like Hartley. He doesn’t have Hart’s height or glasses, but the coloring is there. Moana smiles privately to himself. He picks up his cellphone on the bedside table and opens up his text messages.

to: trashy white boyjust saw you on tv

His hovers over the SEND button. This is stupid. Moana deletes it.

II. THRIFT SHOP

Weeding through some of the shirts on the rack, Moana finds something that looks a out of place with the plain dark T-shirts. He unhooks it off the rack. It’s a deep blue top that’s loose, kind of flowy, something one would relax in. The collar droops low, reminding him of those fashionable turtleneck. The sleeves are moderately short, probably stops right above the elbow. It’s a simple design, but has a mildly artistic refinery to it. He can see Hartley wearing something like this.

Moana snaps a photo of it on his phone.

to: trashy white boyit’s on sale. you want it?

On second thought, it’s better to surprise the man with the gift. If he doesn’t like it, Hartley can always return it. Moana’s not very good at shopping for other people, so he won’t be offended. He grabs the hippy shirt and a few more items before going to the checkout counter.

III. SICK

Once a year maybe Moana is under the weather, but for the most part his health is top notch. No one can say they’ve ever seen him sick, let alone cough or sniff, but Hartley gets to. He’s been lounging on his friend’s couch, bundled in a blanket, groaning pitifully. How does this even happen? Moana dresses appropriately for the weather, he washes his hands frequently throughout the day, and he feels completely fine when he crashes at Hartley’s place last night, too exhausted to go home.

Thinking over the events of their outing, he can’t think of anything that’ll give him a cold. Well, Hartley did sneeze in his face that one time, but that’s because he was chilly. Right?

to: trashy white boyi think you got me sick dickhead

If he has more energy, he might cuss Hartley out some more, but his eyes are bleary and it hurts to even have them open. Moana falls asleep before he can actually send the text. When he wakes up there’s hot soup on the table and Hartley hovering. He says something Moana doesn’t catch, but he throws the blanket over his head and furrows under it some more. This time he hears Hart chuckle. Moana wishes he has the strength to raise his hand to flip him off.

IV. HOOK-UP

This guy really doesn’t know what he’s doing. It’s such a disappointment because he’s actually kind of cute, but beauty doesn’t make up for lack of skill. Moana maybe twitches a little down there, yet so far getting it up doesn’t really seem to be happening. Moana watches with sheer disinterest as the guy on his knees is determined to get more than a wiggle from him. It’s his technique; it can use a lot of work. Not the right pressure, not the right suction, not even the right kind of teasing. Hart knows what to do.

Maybe that’s the thing. Moana’s been spoiled by Hartley’s dick-sucking skills that others pale in comparison. He bets if he tells Hart that his ego will fill all of Central Park. If it’s true, that Moana can get hard unless Hart’s the one responsible, then he’s going to be mad as hell.

        “You know what, let’s try something else.” Moana suggests impatiently, hauling the guy up, who looks slightly disappointed, but whatever.

Moana sits him down, tells him to use his hand instead. While he does that Moana plays with his ass, prepping him. It’s the sounds he makes more than the handjob that gets Moana ready. Apparently this guy is just shit at sex.

After he has the most dissatisfying orgasm of his life, Moana takes a piss, washes his hands, then re-enters the sea of thrashing bodies in the club. He looks for someone else in the crowd because that itch hasn’t gone away. Or maybe—

to: trashy white boyare you free tonight?

Wait, no. A woman just walked in who looks like she knows how to have a good time. Moana pockets his phone, then walks directly towards her. It doesn’t take long to get in the back alley and this time his experience is far better. Good to know Hartley doesn’t ruin sex for Moana.

Still, it could’ve been better.

V. AIRPORT

Delayed flights are the bane of his existence. Moana hates waiting around at terminals. There’s too many people, the Wi-Fi is shitty, the food is overpriced, it’s too loud, too bright—just too much of everything.

Scrolling through his Facebook, he sees a few updates on Hart. That profile pic is new; he looks good in it, if a little moody. Moana wonders when he’s going to ditch the beard and glasses. Does he actually need glasses or is that a fashion thing? Going through Hart’s status messages, he chuckles at some of them and gets that distinct yearning of missing somebody.

Gross, he’s getting attached. Moana considers that for a moment before he pushes it aside. He exits out of the Facebook app to go to his text messages.

to: trashy white boyyou need to shaveyou look like a poster boy for men in a mid-life crisis

Except his messages are rejected because the damn airport Wi-Fi sucks. It’s going to be a long wait.

I. BOREDOM

Hartley’s a good people to call whenever Moana has nothing to do. Generally they sit around watching Netflix, shoot the shit, or maybe go out somewhere if he feels like Hart’s been cooped up in his house for too long. A lot of the times they end up having sex. Maybe on the couch, maybe in Hart’s room, maybe against a random wall—it doesn’t really matter. He supposes he can ask for a bootycall, but Moana actually isn’t in the mood. All he wants is some company.

to: trashy white boyi’m coming over so take a shower. you probably smell.think of something for us to do. see you soon.

It hasn’t finished sending before Moana gets up to leave.

★  +  ❤  –  one time my muse thought yours looked breath-taking, but says they don’t love yours and the one time they admit it.

I. SLEEP

Seeing Hartley sleep is rare. Not because he doubts the man sleeps regularly, but because Moana doesn’t usually stick around for post-coitus cuddles or naps. He’s not sure why he does this time. It’s a little weird, he has to admit. This thing between them is suppose to be casual, but it stops being that, although he can’t pinpoint when. Moana just knows something is different now, especially because he’s never thought of Hartley as beautiful before.

Right now he does.

He looks peaceful, laying on his side, naked, only covered by a blanket at the waist. Moana can see a few freckles on his shoulders, something he’s never quite noticed before. Too busy trying to take clothes off and get instant gratification to actually appreciate the body of the person he’s with. Moana trails his fingers lightly over those patterns of brown dots, feeling the sleep-warmth of Hart’s shoulder seep into his touch. Hartley makes a drowsy noise, but doesn’t wake, just sighs softly and seems to relax more.

What makes Hartley stress out so much? His life doesn’t look complicated, but then again what does Moana know. They don’t really make a habit of talking about each other’s lives. Hartley doesn’t even know Moana’s dad is dead or that he has a daughter back on Oahu.

So is it even possible to feel something deeper with a someone he doesn’t know much about? Moana stares at Hart’s face like he’ll wake up to give him a answer, but he doesn’t. He keeps sleeping and Moana continues to watch while the sky gradually grows lighter and an alarm clock beeps to start the day.

I. HOUSEBOAT

This is a special occasion: it’s the first time he’s let anyone who isn’t family on his boat. The boat where Moana actually lives, not the apartment he’s taken Hart to many times, but his actual home. Does Hart have any idea how much of a big deal this is? Does he know that Moana is internally freaking out, despite looking like his normal calm, cool, collected self? His track Hartley as he roams the deck, taking everything in, then he follows his guest into the main cabin, the housing part of the entire structure.

It’s set up much like a normal house would be. Clearly it’s well lived in because there’s a few dishes in the sink, a couple of clothes on the backs of furniture, open DVD cases on the table in the den. But it’s clean and tidy and doesn’t look like a display for a realtor sale like his apartment does. There are personal affects on the walls and fridge, photos, letters, even amateur drawings in crayons.

Is it strange that Hartley looks like he fits in with these surroundings? Maybe that’s Moana romanticizing the moment, but he wants Hart to belong, although he doesn’t know when that becomes a wish of his. He just knows it’s not a trick of the light when he thinks Harley is stunning, standing in his kitchen in front of the fridge, hunched a little to check out the pictures the magnets hold.

Hartley carefully examines an illustration of a small girl, a woman, and man building a sandcastle on the beach. Despite the lack of fine detail and messy coloring, it’s easy to decipher the man is Moana. “Who are these other people?” Hartley asks, a question he’s been waiting for.

        “That’s my daughter, Kahiwa, and her mom, Minase.” Moana answers as casually as he can, but a timbre of nervousness enters his tone.

As expected, Hart looks surprised. “Are you married?” Moana shakes his head. “I had no idea. Why didn’t you say anything?” Moana shrugs and he can see the mild irritation in Hartley’s face. He hates that Moana doesn’t talk a lot. “This is all before you came here. You have a whole life I knew nothing about. I’ve known you for months. What else are you hiding?”

That’s a loaded question. One secret at a time. He doesn’t think Hartley is ready for the fact the guy he sleeps with murders people. Instead he blurts out something completely random.

        “You’re beautiful.”

        “I know I am, but—”

        “No, I mean it. Obviously you’re not ugly, but you’re just really… Sometimes I can’t breathe when I look at you. And lately I’ve been looking at you a lot and I didn’t use to before. I dunno what happened, but you’re on my mind a lot and I—”

        “Moana, what are you—”

        “I think I love you, Hart.”

The silence that follows is probably the scariest moment of Moana’s life.

[imapinkflamingo]

and this is why I do what I do!!!

If you have watched the 65th Miss Universe Competition that was held in my home country last January 2017, you probably heard the questions that was asked to Miss Philippines-

What is the most significant change you've seen in the world in the last 10 years?

Her answer isn’t bad at all but in my own opinion, she probably can do better, but then, who I am to judge her, I probably won’t even manage to enter the screening of Binibining Pilipinas let alone represent Philippines in this prestigious event. So to Maxine, who did all the best she can to bag the crown, I salute you.

But after the pageant, and Ms. France was crowned as the New Miss Universe, that questions made me think “What is the most significant change I've seen in the world in the last 10 years”, and if I were to ask the same question as she had, I probably answer like this:

The most significant change I’ve seen in the world in the last 10 years is how technology advances drastically that it becomes an integral part of our daily lives. Because of technology we have awaken the storyteller, the voices, and the ideas that is living inside of us. Technology became a very powerful tool that can be compared to MJOLNIR the hammer of Thor in the movie Thor or the fish hook of Maui in Disney’s Moana.

From what I’ve read in one of the blogs I usually visits, we’re all born storytellers and I couldn’t agree more on that. It's part of the species. We spend most of our lives, wittingly or unwittingly, telling stories. In fact, it’s not something we have to learn, it’s something we do, day in and day out, every day. It’s something that we are able to do at the age of two.

Jerome Bruner has documented how little children at this age, as soon as they can start to talk, show that they understand the stories that their families tell them, and they start to tell their own stories, and in particular start to tell stories to themselves as part of their first efforts to make sense of their lives.

It happens so easily and so spontaneously and so pervasively that some scientists believe that storytelling is hard-wired into our brains.

If you know me personally, some say that I’m quiet, reserved, monosyllabic, never saying a word at the dinner table, never regaling with stories. So what I am doing, bothering to come out with a story about people being storytellers.

To answer that question, let me tell you another story. My story.

For the last 26 years, I’ve been trying hard to find my place, on why I do what I do. I have tried numerous ways, tests to find and come out with that one special thing people call passion, I thought it was art, but it’s actually just a part of a bigger picture. Just one part.

I’ve tried almost everything and anything that I can get my hands on, building business, finding jobs but nothings fulfills me.

As the saying goes, you can do anything, but you can’t do everything. Nothing satisfies me that it’s affecting not only me mentally and emotionally but everything, people, relationship that involves me. Well just a heads up, this is not a how to overcome story or success story, it’s just a story, my story.

I get so fed up that living becomes a chore. A very boring chore and how badly I pray to anyone to show me the end of this dark tunnel. But then after giving some thought, I came to realize that this is my story and it depends on me on how to write it, in what genre will I be basing it. Be it e a dramatic one, a thriller, a comedy, a horror, it all depends on me.

And so I drag my sorry ass, and force myself to try once more. I wanted to change my story and not just remain in this single page that I keep re-writing. We all have that desire to change our own story for the good. We all keep writing our stories everyday and believing that it will someday not long from now will lead to a better one, a happy extraordinary story to tell our next generation someday.

Well, I do hope that myself and that becomes a driving force for me to find my why, which I don’t know yet until I happen to stumble on Brad Hussey’s blog. The thing is, when I’m in trouble or in doubt, I don’t usually like talking about it to anybody, I keep it all to myself and the internet becomes my only confidante. What I do is, I google everything I want to know and from the robust solutions google offers, I search the most interesting story that I can find, and most of the time, google never fails me. That’s why it became my habit that when people ask me something I always answer: Igoogle na yan, meaning why not try google to search for it.

One of the many reasons why I consider myself blessed to live in this century cause if I were born on the latter year imagine what would I do every time I have a questions in mind, I probably be living in a library or a bookstore by then.

So back to my story, given that I don’t have much choice left, I decided to try a trending career that everybody seems to adore and praises. Become a Web/Graphic Designer. Sure, that shouldn’t be a problem, after all I’m a Computer Science Student in College, that should be easy peasy, So I set a new goal, to become a web designer and have my so called FREEDOM. That was last September 2016 but why is that up until now I didn’t manage to become one and I still don’t have any website that has my name on it.

I don’t even know why, I’m as puzzled as you, as soon as I decided that I wanted t be a Web Designer, I Immediately purchase courses online teaching the quickest way on how to design a website, read numerous books recommend by almost everybody, and boy, I was drowning in information. But I can’t seem to finish what I started, and I get tired and just drop the whole thing then in an instant I shifted to a career that I thought would suit be better.

A wedding card designer, up until I realized recently that I’m not really good with “physical product”. So what’s left of me, back into web designing just to kill time and hopefully earn some extra income.

As a habit, while opening 30-40 tabs of different sites on how to become a web designer, and downloaded countless free-ebooks detailing how can I be a successful Free Lancer, I remember Brad Hussey’s blog, I have always admired that guy because he was able to build a company and work for himself. And you can feel his passion towards what he is doing, just go ahead and check out his courses in Udemy. You will never regret. It’s a really good investment for your hard earned money. So yeah, I reread the entire content of his site, and at that instant I was fascinated and captivated once more by his beautiful, very wonderful story, about his life, his family, his wife and kids, his vacations, about everything that he does, and I tell to myself, this man is living at his dream life, his living life to the fullest. And honestly my heart aches realizing that I can have a totally different lifestyle if I can only find my passion. What I don’t know that time is that I’m actually having the wrong question.

Then I remember that somewhere in my file I have saved his free-eBook on freelancing, a 68page book, The Seven Step Free-Lancing Roadmap: How To Build Your Freelance Business When You Have No Idea Where To Start, and is it a coincidence or maybe just the universe trying to remind to slow down cause I already have my answer.

So here we goes, I open the book and guess what it ask me to do on his Step 1: Define your Why. His explanation seems to hit hard on me, but I feel like there’s more that I want to know, the good thing is on the last part of the 1st Step he gave a link to watch Simon Sinek's Ted Talk, called "How great leaders inspire action”.

Nothing to lose, I quickly head to the link and downloaded it in my mobile phone. So after downloading and listening to it while on my way home, I feel “enlighten” that I literally utter the word “and that’s it, that’s what I’m missing all this years, “that is why I can’t find it, cause I don’t know what is my WHY?...

I didn’t know my WHY. Why do I do what I do?

And in that instant, answers came flooding, reflection after reflection

“Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever”.

Then I look back, why did I took Computer Science when I was in College, why I love to browse and search information online, why I love the website so much, why I love to read blogs and such, why I can stay in social media for hours. Why I love to write and put my opinion in my blog. It’s because I am a storyteller and at the same I am also a story listener.

We all have our own stories that we love to tell the world. Just look into facebook for an instance and you can see the countless post of individual people going on and on about their daily lives. We are all story tellers.

We all want the world to know our stories, that’s why the blogging industry is booming cause everybody wants to have a say at something. Everybody wants to be involve at something. And what better ways to tell this stories than to take advantage of the technology that is accessible to everybody at any given time anywhere in the world. See, that is the power of today’s technology, it create bridges and remove boundaries.

With the advance technology that we have, any information can be easily access to any devices, ipads mobile, as long as you have the connection. The gap of doubts and questions that we are embarrassed to ask others and keep hidden to ourselves can be easily verify and answer with just a single search in google or yahoo.

But with this privilege comes a heavy responsibility that most of us maybe don’t know, forgotten and usually ignored.

I remember an incident just last year that in my opinion describe this very situation, where one of my schoolmate in highschool was being attacked by a random individual who clearly don’t know his place when he said those harsh words to her. But hooray, my schoolmate backfired with a very witty response that in my opinion, doesn’t only applies to that individual but we should take a good look and learn from it

“I was trained by the University of the Philippines to pursue honor before excellence, to check my facts before sharing, to make sure that I understand the underlying meaning behind these words before I react, and If I don’t understand to ask questions”. Suzie F. Abela

Sometimes we can’t guarantee the credibility and "trueness" of the information that we found in search engines. But instead of checking facts, we blindly absorb or follow what they tell us, what to buy, to eat, what to watch, without even asking ourselves why do we need to. Just because it’s the current trend we tend to ignore the obvious facts underlying. We see bashing/ arguments everywhere and believe what we first read without knowing both sides. And it’s not technologies shortfall which we always used as a shield.

And that is why I choose web development and designing; I want to make a difference on how my story, your story, our stories will be share online. I have never been this eager to listen to your heart warming and delightful stories and make a way on how to share it responsibly so others will learn and be delighted in your success.

So why I do I do what I do? Because I am both a storyteller and a story listener. And I make it my goal to deliver reputable, reliable and accessible stories that can inspire and improve other’s daily lives. I want to create a haven where a storyteller and a story listener like myself can interact harmoniously.

To sum it up, let me borrow the iconic passage that makes Philippines shines once more. Sharing beautiful stories confidently with a heart, that’s why I create and develop websites.

(sorry for all the grammatical errors, I just need to write down my thoughts without filters so I can be at ease.. hahahaha)

[shaledirectory]

Science is Fact – Regardless Whether Activists Choose to Believe It, Or Not

K.J. Rodgers Crownsville, Maryland  

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“Science, science” is often screamed by those who often refuse to believe it. It is always going to reveal the facts when presented in its entirety.  

Science is a straightforward process of understanding facts, testing and re-testing conclusions, then giving those conclusions to others to test to ensure your conclusions are solid. However, it amazes me that so many areas of science can be contested with false parallels and ideologies.

Ricky Gervais, a so-called comedian and an outspoken atheist, was being interviewed by Stephen Colbert a while back and he gave the analogy that if all of the world’s knowledge would be destroyed tomorrow, that in a thousand years, the religions of the world would come back differently; while science would come back the same – because, you know, science.

I do not agree with this statement. Not only from the religious front, but the science side as well. Anyone in who has been reading NaturalGasNow will know, “science” from polls to academic studies has been repeatedly abused to show what information the funder of the study wanted to find. When the studies are conducted in a manner that adheres to true scientific rigor, though, such studies always come back with the truth. We have seen this happen a few times, such as with the NRDC study on groundwater contamination.

Too often those who scream “science, science” the loudest are the ones who deny any evidence that contradicts their claims. A case study of this happening comes from the Obama Administration (well a lot more than this one). The Clean Power Plan relied upon a claim that a particular form of small particulate air pollution was responsible for large numbers of premature deaths, for example. Despite the evidence contradicting much of this, the EPA employed 20-year old data to push ahead with the plan. That helped gas compared to coal, of course, but it wasn’t smart. Gas didn’t need that sort of help to be superior to coal with respect to emissions. Gas beats coal on several emission fronts.

Wonder what that Kayak is made from, Hemp Plastics?

We also have discussed the Potomac Pipeline fiasco a few times. A pipeline that will deliver natural gas to West Virginia by way of Maryland for three short miles, has been a hotly debated topic for a while. Hotly debated is a nice way of saying ideological activists have been pulling out all of the stops to prevent this pipeline from moving forward. Every chance they get to speak, they call for the pipeline to be stopped. One day is because it will be another TransCanada pipeline – cause they had an oil line leak and trampled on Native American Lands. another day it’s that “fracked” natural gas pipelines are dirty and will destroy Mother Gaea faster than when Maui stole the heart from Ti Fiti in Moana. The next day is that Gov. Hogan is soft on fossil fuels and played a switcheroo when he banned fracking.

The latest attempt at stopping the Potomac Pipeline is the most absurd – geology. The area where the pipeline to cross the river is characterized by what’s called Karst. The Britannica defines this topography as:

“Karst, terrain usually characterized by barren, rocky ground, caves, sinkholes, underground rivers, and the absence of surface streams and lakes. It results from the excavating effects of underground water on massive soluble limestone. The term originally applied to the Karst (or Kras) physiographic region, a limestone area northeast of the Gulf of Trieste in Slovenia, but has been extended to mean all areas with similar features.”

Based on this, activists are now claiming this pipeline must be completely different from the other 12 pipelines in the area. They believe another study is needed to ensure the geology is safe to support a pipeline. What this really means, and what we have seen from their antics so many times, is a deliberates strategy of wasting time and money hoping the project will, eventually, no longer worth the hassle.

Late last month, Sierra Club of Maryland and their shallow mouthpiece, Delegate Shane Robinson, called for an emergency bill authorizing more studies because of the karst geology. They live-streamed the press conference and if you dig around these videos, you can see all of the usual suspects, from Food and Water Watch to We are Cove Point. Having no doubt the geology question is a strawman to achieve their ideological goals, I decided to prove it by doing what any millennial would do, I tweeted him!

Like any politician in Maryland looking to advance their career on baseless demagoguery, Robinson dodged the question and tried to circle out of answering – which he never did.

I find this Karst topic interesting because I like science. I worked for a company that had a geo-engineering subsidiary for seven years. I have watched the process and marketed the concept of solidifying the rock formation under bridges and buildings that sat on sandy foundations. The idea of crossing karst topography is a bit more challenging than traditional methods of running a pipe, but it can be done with little sweat on the brow.

Then, there is this fact; it has been done – quite a bit. The Virginia Cave Board has an FAQ on this very subject where they state:

“Are there currently any natural gas pipelines in Virginia located in karst terrain?

Yes, there are several companies that operate and maintain natural gas transmission pipelines located within Virginia karst terrains. Of the 27 Virginia counties that contain significant karst resources, 20 of them (74 percent) appear to have at least one natural gas transmission pipelines that traverses the county and is likely located on karst. These counties are: Alleghany; Augusta; Botetourt; Clarke; Frederick; Lee; Loudoun; Montgomery; Page; Pulaski; Roanoke; Rockbridge; Rockingham; Russell; Shenandoah; Smyth; Tazewell; Warren; Washington; and Wythe. The seven Virginia counties containing significant karst resources that do not currently contain any current natural gas transmission pipelines are: Bath; Bland; Craig; Giles; Highland; Scott; and Wise.”

It’s clear the activist claims would be completely different if this project were anything other than a pipeline. If it were underground transmission lines running beneath a large body of water from, say, a wind farm, then I’m sure there would be no problems. I don’t see Shane Robinson criticizing the one we are seeing in Ocean City, Maryland, for example. That one comports with his ideology, so its ok and the science can be damned. Science is fluid in their mind’s eye and it only matters when it supports their claims.

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