#so i had my first therapy session today and cried

[shogunish]

i wanted to update the gojos & i, but i'm absolutely drained lmao

[j-crow]

im getting therapy who cheered‼️‼️🎉🎉🎉

[woncon]

➳ like a rainbow

➶ stray kids ot8 x gn!reader ｡˚ °

-ˏ` ✎﹏ sometimes it just hurts and you need to cry it out. but don't worry, your boyfriends are here to help you through it.

➴ genre: angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort, fluff in the end

: ̗̀➛ warnings: crying, emotional pain

⌨ :: 1.2K words ♡ ︵ . .

⁀➷ i had a sobbing afternoon the other day. i wrote this as a therapy session, and now I'm dedicating this to all the dear Stays who need it! <3

⁀➷ thanks to @wonsheep for helping me fix my grammar mistakes and for giving me advice how to convert a whole story into another language precisely °♡̷•.

➳ stray kids masterlist | main masterlist

You retire to the bedroom. You don't even bother to close the door. You just throw yourself on the bed, and the tears are already flowing. You curl up in a ball and let your heartache take its course.

Today seems to be one of those days.

A day for crying.

You're too weak to get up. You're too tired to think. You’re just hurting and you let it hurt. Maybe if you use up all your tears, it'll be easier.

Maybe.

You embrace your body. Your shoulder shakes. Your whole being gives way to desperate cries. You close your eyes because you see nothing but your own tears, endless. Your heart is pounding loud, crumpled in its cave.

You don't even hear when someone enters the room.

Chan calls you by name, softly and quietly, but as soon as he realizes you aren't sleeping, but instead hiccupping from sobs, he is not subtle, he repeats your name in terror and comes to your side.

"What happened? Who hurt you?" He grabs your face. "My baby? Baby, talk to me. What hurts?"

You cuddle up to him, bury your head in his chest and shake it. You can't talk about this now. You have no words now, only tears, but you cling to Chan's body to let him know that even if you can't articulate it, you need him here. So you don't dig your fingers into the fabric of your sweater, but hold Chan close to you.

Meanwhile Chan is stroking your back, rocking you slowly, trying to soothe you with his kind words, you are still crying bitterly, your own chest unable to suppress the grief that is welling up inside you.

Soon Felix sticks his head into the room. His incomprehension quickly gives way to worry. His eyes widen, his mouth clenches helplessly, and every bitter sound you make creates another crack in his heart. He wants to climb on the bed, cuddle up to you, touch you reassuringly, hoping that his touch, his presence, will go some way to soothe your suffering.

But before he can do that, Chan whispers something to him. Felix doesn't understand at first. He shakes his head.

"Blanket. Hot chocolate. Music. Netflix. Dori," repeats Chan.

Felix nods vigorously, and heads out of the room to hand out tasks to the others. Everyone is committed when they find out how bad of an emotional state you are in. They are eager to do something to cheer you up, if only a little.

Seungmin looks for your favorite blanket. Felix makes the hot chocolate while Hyunjin roasts marshmallows. Jisung and Jeongin take care of the music, one brings the speakers from Chan's studio, the other your favorite playlist. Changbin's forearm disappears into the sofa as he searches for the remote control. Minho lures Dori into his lap to bring him to you.

When their duties are done, they all go to the bedroom and shower you with their kindness. You crawl out the cover of Chan's chest and sit up. You are so struck by all these hopeful faces and loving little things that for a moment you completely forget the pain you have felt, and the mere purpose of your existence is the vibrant gratitude you feel for them. A visceral gratitude for their kindness and love.

"See, little one?" Chan says with a half smile as your boyfriends flood the bed. "You are not alone. You are never alone. If you need it, you can cry on everyone's shoulder because we're here to take care of you."

Chan pulls out a tissue from his trousers and hands it over. You blow your nose. Seungmin spreads the blanket on your legs. Jisung turns on the speaker, then puts it on the nightstand. Jeongin starts the music, and the bedroom fills with rippling melodies instead of your inconsolable crying noises.

"Here." You get the hot chocolate in your hand from Felix. 

As you sip the sweet drink and eat the marshmallows, you feel warm inside. Your tears slowly dry up. 

You feel safe in the ring of your boyfriends on your huge bed as they quietly watch and listen to your wishes and reactions. They do their best to make you feel better, and their efforts alone make you feel better. By being here, being with you, and wanting to help, you know that no matter how much it hurts, they will try so hard to make you not suffer. They will listen or silently embrace you, whatever you need, they will want to give it to you, but they won't let you wallow alone, helpless.

Felix clears the empty mug up with a broad smile. As soon as your hand is empty, Minho immediately puts Dori in your lap. The cat instantly curls up on your blanket-clad thigh, settling into regal comfort.

At times, Dori specifically likes to be around those who aren't exactly in a good mood. He makes it almost a mission to cheer them up. Even now, as you run your fingers through his fur and he purrs contentedly, it's enough to bring a small smile to your tear-streaked face.

"You're like a rainbow now," whispers Hyunjin. You look at him. His eyes are bright with wonder, lips slightly parted. "Your tears fall, but your smile shines. Your face is a rainbow."

Embarrassed, you wipe away the remaining tears with the sleeve of your sweater before they dry completely on your face.

"Thank you," you say. "For taking care of me."

"Of course, beauty. We love you," replies Changbin, handing over the remote. You hold it with the hand you're not using to stroke Dori's soft fur. "We love you so much, you can choose the movie. If you want."

"But we can do other things if you feel like it," Felix adds, caressing your hand. "Anything that makes you happy."

"It's nice like this. Can we stay a little longer here?"

Everyone nods.

You scratch the base of Dori's ear.

"Thank you, really," you whisper emotionally.

"No need to thank us." Much to your surprise, Minho is lying down on your other side, resting his head on your shoulder and sliding up. You put the remote next to Dori and stroke Minho's hair with your free hand, and it seems as if he purrs too. You enjoy that this time you don't have to fight with his tsundere self to get him to cuddle up to you. 

Then your hand is snatched out by Hyunjin, who settles down behind Minho. He plays with it, drawing little hearts on your palm.

“Grandpa, space please!" Seungmin pushes Chan aside so that he can lie at your side. Chan snorts, Minho giggles and you smile.

"My seat's taken," Jisung snorts sadly, nudging Dori, who's sprawled on your stomach.

"You have other seats, Sung," Seungmin mutters, who no longer has such a problem because he's found his place next to you.

“Right!" Jisung gets excited. In the next moment, he leaps at Minho, who moans angrily for a second, but lets Jisung sprawl out and nestle on top of him.

Chan, Jeongin, Changbin and Felix form the other pile. 

You wish you had eight arms like an octopus to touch them all and pull them to you. And then Jeongin smiles sweetly at you, Changbin looks at you lovingly, and you understand that you don't need eight arms, because they are all in your heart, as you are in theirs, be at arm's length, cities or continents apart.

[thepersonnamedsam]

champion - cl16

pairing: charles leclerc x fem!reader

summary: abu dhabi 2024

word count: 1k

warnings: none

note: hiya, hope you’re all good? have fun with the second 1‘000 follower special :)

masterlist / taglist

The Race was intense, it was hot and steamy and all so risky. But he was so near. He could almost taste it, taste you. If he won this race, he’d be champion, champion of the world. His second most important price, you always come first, of course.

You stood in the Ferrari garage, your fingernails bitten down to the flesh. You were more nervous than he was. God, only four more laps to go. Charles was leading, but Max was only 0.6 seconds behind him. One mistake and Max would be a 4x World Champion.

But you were certain that he was gonna make it. Charles was your best friend and he deserved that title more than anything. He wasn’t just your best friend, you were gonna become his fiancée today if he won, but you didn’t know just yet. The ring was securely stored in his jewellery box inside his drivers room. You had no idea.

Three more laps to go.

You were sweating, not just from the heat, you were standing on your toes the whole time. Your heart pounded, probably as fast as Charles‘ car. This was gonna be it. Charles Leclerc, World Champion of 2024!

Frederic was standing beside you. His hands wrapped tightly around your shoulders, squeezing every other second, waiting for your boyfriend to finally finish that race. You both couldn’t wait anymore. „Fred, if he wins, will you pay him some therapy sessions?“, you joked. He only laughed at you. „He doesn’t need them after the win.“

Two more laps.

The anticipation only grew. At the time, probably everyone at home sat at the edge of their seats. Max was so close behind Charles. If he only lost some speed, Max would pass him. They made a show. And nobody liked it.

„Charles, Max is 0.4 seconds behind. Let’s switch to Plan C“, you heard Xavi over the coms. „Okay“, you heard your boyfriend say back. „What’s Plan C?“, you asked Fred. „He’s gonna let Max pass, get into his DRS zone and then hopefully he can pass him with greater speed.“

Your heart dropped into your stomach, Ferrari is gonna fuck Charles up against You knew it. It was not gonna work. And when Charles met Max pass, everything played out in slow motion. Max passed the red Ferrari, Charles tried to stay behind the Red Bull.

One lap to go.

It was silent in the Ferrari garage. You could hear a needle drop on the floor. Everyone was sweating. You stopped breathing, at least that’s what you thought, because honestly, no one ever stops breathing in these moments.

The moment Charles passed the Red Bull, the garage errupted into loud applause. Your heart skipped a beat, letting a small scream out. Excited for the new outcome. This was gonna be it, Charles will be champion. You could feel it.

The last meters were ahead of both cars, with Max only 1.7 seconds behind. Charles was gonna make it, he just couldn’t fuck it up. Nothing could happen now. And when Charles crossed that finish line and was declared Champion of the World, you cried. Happy tears streamed down your cheeks. A big prominent smile on your face and wet eyes.

„Go, go!“, Xavi ushered you out to the outside of the garage, where Charles would park his car on the number one spot. And there he stood, proud on his car, his hand up in the air, pointing to his late father. When he looked down again, he saw his whole proudness standing in front of him. You.

He got down from his car, quickly getting his helmet off and kissing you. You were so, so proud of him. Your champion. And when Carlos sprinted towards him with a suspicious little black box, you couldn’t believe what was going to happen.

„My love, mom bijou. I love you endlessly and I wouldn’t know what to do without you. You are my stars that light up the night. Tu es le soleil, qui répand la chaleur dans tout mon corps (You are the sun, that spreads warmth throughout my body). I love you with all my body, with all my heart, with all my everything. Will you make me the happiest man in the whole wide world and marry me?“

Your body shook from the cries. You couldn’t believe what was going on. Tears streaming down your face, you could only nod. And you nodded, looked at him with your tears stained face and got down to his level. You kissed him, so hard he couldn’t believe the force you had. And you said yes, of course you said yes.

Charles wasn’t only Formula One Champion, he was also the luckiest man on earth, with his big love in his arms, crying like the world might end. But it doesn’t, the world only just started for you two. Life was being written from a whole new perspective now. Not only is the luckiest, but you were los the happiest woman.

And the fahnden went crazy, Charles Leclerc, the 2024 champion got engaged to his long term girlfriend on the day he won the championship. And when he stood on the podium and received his trophy, he couldn’t stop smiling, not crying. He was looking down at his fiancée and the whole world stopped, just for a moment, just until he realised he was gonna marry this girl, for sure now. Not only in his dreams, but in reality too.

For him this day did not only mean he achieved his biggest goal, but also his biggest dream.

And for you, you were going to be the happiest bride on your wedding day, when you were going to walk down that isle and see this man standing in front of you

°°°

taglist: @ironmaiden1313 , @hiireadstuff , @biglittlesecret, @gulabjamooon , @lovelyy-moonlight , @peachyplumsss , @mistrose23 , @copper-boom , @love4lando , @champomiel , @serenityleah , @iloveyou3000morgan , @angelwithoutmywings , @elleeeee21 , @mikauraur , @thybulleric , @lpab , @fdl305 , @mellowarcadefun , @teti-menchon0604 , @vildetry06 , @bibissparkles , @aurora-maria , @lunnnix , @sya-skies , @Buckywifeyy , @dakotali , @rechtrecht , @noncannonships , @1eclerc16 , @pitlanebabe , @sopheeg , @avengersheart , @thatsadsmallchild , @peachiicherries , @idkiwantchocolatee , @callsign-scully , @mehrmonga , @badbatch-simp24 , @lissyontour , @din0nugs , @elliegrey2803 , @gay-for-victoria-de-angelis , @10vely-yutazen , @daggersquadphantom , @azriel-the-shadowsinger , @i-love-scott-mccall , @darleneslane , @mikauraurr , @heartmetaphor , @ellswilliams , @thxtmarvelchick , @nataliambc , @dontjudgeabookbythecover , @hockeyboysarehot , @thehistoryone , @zimm04 , @woozarts , @mellowarcadefun , @deephideoutmolkshake , @grimeslvrr , @tallrock35 , @namgification , @pear-1206 , @trouble-sistar

[artificialstardust]

As of today, January 4th, I’m officially one year free of my emotional abuser☺️

I know I don’t talk about my personal life hardly at all on here, but for this, i felt it was deserved. I’ve worked so hard over the past year in therapy as well as on my own to heal from all of it. To put it simply, I was honestly put through hell from what it felt like. I ended up developing symptoms of BPD because of him. I would wake up every day with such intense anxiety because I never knew what my mood would end up being. And my mood depended on him.

I always knew that I deserved better, until the day came that I admitted to myself I couldn’t do it anymore. So with the simplest text “okay I’ll stop,” to him not wanting to be called “pookie,” that was the last form of contact I gave him. Granted we never dated, he was still someone I loved with all my heart and he knew that. I had opened myself up to him, allowing him to see me at my most vulnerable. But over time, he took advantage of that. Knowing I never wanted to leave him.

But even someone like myself that will fight to keep someone in their life, knew it was time to stop. I needed better. I deserved better. I never even let myself cry for more than ten minutes about it, until two therapy sessions where I allowed myself to break down. That first initial night I cried the ten minutes, then it all turned into rage. So much so that I was shaking and my teeth were chattering, after googling it, found out it was a fight or flight response.

So please, if there is anyone out there that even makes you feel like you deserve better, leave. Because your gut is always right. Protect yourself and your peace♥️

And yes I did listen to an ungodly amount of blood sport and true friends..

[vampziry]

some things i’ve manifested using the law of assumption —note that i’ve been using it to manifest for years, i was around 8 or 9, so it’s a lot—

1- when i was 8, i remember leaving the church and going home. i really wanted to go to the mall that day because it was almost xmas eve and there’s a lot of activities in my country, i also wanted to see the big xmas tree by the electric stairs. i remember that i affirmed everyday only one affirmation, i didn’t pay attention but lately i realized that ive always been living in the end and didnt realize because my affirmation stated the desire already fulfilled. i affirmed the whole day, i even went to the backyard and looked at the sky as if i was talking with god or something similar. i started affirming around 11 am and by 5 pm my mom was getting ready and i asked her “where are you going?” and she literally told me: i received your school grades, they are all good for me so im taking you to the mall. i lived happily the whole week because i thought that was my first encounter with god or something 😂😂

2- this was in my freshman or sophomore year, i really cant remember the time really well in this one but i do remember that my friend and i had fought and i was really scared because he ignored me everyday and we used to be really close so i reminded my subconscious everyday for like 3 days straight that they were not mad, they were just dealing with stuff or busy (yeah the gaslighting 😘😘) and nah, by day 4 he talked to me again and everything was back to normal like nothing happened.

3- food. yes, the thing i manifest the most is food because i adore eating. i used to live with the assumption: my mom is bringing me chocolate/cheesecake or pizza from work today. EVERY WEEK. and it would happen, i got used to it and stopped assuming random things that had to do with food.

i cant remember any other one, dementia patient right here 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

as for my recent ones, ive got a bunch. im a very anxious person and tbh manifesting before was way easier than now. the pressure is killing me but i still managed to manifest stuff from 2021 to this day.

1- a boyfriend. yes, i manifested a boyfriend around april 2021. i didnt go into detail but he had everything i was looking for + he was amazing (at first ofc), he later changed and i had to start attending to therapy sessions cause i got diagnosed and im still traumatized. i forgot to script the loyalty part… so yeah he definitely did cheat and gaslit me. but he made me feel amazing while it lasted. we broke up around 2 months ago and we had 2 years together. i didnt manifest the break up, he did. which is good. the universe sent me signs cause days later after the break up i found out messages and stuff of him cheating the same week of the break up.

2- i manifested for my attachment to go away. note: im the type of person to get attached emotionally to people, i was emotionally depending on my ex, so as soon as we broke up i had a dream where somebody told me to just go out the day after and spoil myself. buy whatever i want and spend some money cause i was working so hard to buy the flight to go and see him. 4 days later when i found out he was with another person i cried in my way to work and i was feeling so well that day that i literally did my hair and makeup but it got smudged :(( but that was the last and first time i cried over him after everything was over. next day i woke up feeling positive and i suddenly let everything go. bad people eventually get what they deserve in life so i just got over it and im not attached to him or the old story anymore!!

3- i manifested new friends plus i contacted my old friends back. most of them were in bad terms with me cause i blocked them out of nowhere because of my ex, everything was so messed up but they forgave me and they are very good friends after all, they text me and hype me up every day so i cannot be more grateful :D

4- i manifested my sp :D after these 2 months i thought to myself: if that person could move on, you can too. so i did, although my sp and me are not fully prepared for a relationship rn, we’re both aware of our mutual attraction and promised to give us time until we were both fully healed 🫶🏻

5- MONEYYYYYY. yeah it sounds like im too ambitious when it comes to money but im soooo silly. i spend everything i get plus i need to pay for my own stuff at school. i dont like bothering my parents with my expenses —even though they are supposed to provide for me but i feel like a problem when i do that so—, i manifested money like 4 times this year??? first, my parents never give me more than 100 for my birthday and all of a sudden they gave me 500$??? i even posted about it my happiness was out of the roof. i went to the cinema w my friends to watch an anime movie that got released on my birthday yayayaya. later, i started working and got like 1,200 in the summertime and now i manifested more money this week TO SAVE. i literally by assuming got into the void and manifested a bag full of money. i wont stfu about it IM AMBITIOUS in a good way with money, i need to move out and start building my future (bro im still 17 😔)

6- clothes and makeup. uMmm im not a fan of makeup tbh buttttt i wanted to have some in case one day i decide to put some on, my skin has always been clear and pretty, my lashes are super long and my eyebrows are really thick so i only worry about doing a perfect lip combo. i got a box and 2 bags full of makeup <3 especially makeup of my favorite brands 😙😙😙 i also was able to buy clothes online very similar to the ones that i had on my pinterest boards ^^ but i kinda forgot to buy shoes.. BFFR 😭😭😭 ive been repeating the same 5 shoes, but im gonna buy some new ones soon!!

7- colognes and jewelry 😘😘😘😘😘 yes, im a fan of these too!! my dad gave me a box full of earrings and rings. but not any kind of earrings, LONG AND BIG EARRINGS W UNUSUAL DESIGNS just how i like them. and some cute rings w rabbit, figures, etc. the colognes smell really well!! i got the nicki minaj perfume in all versions, dior colognes and a box with like 8 different types of victoria’s sprays 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

8- a good school year. its only been a month but ive made friends and i find a lot of people WHO SUDDENLY KNOW ME, waving at me in the hallways and im like OH YEAH HI even tho idk who they are?? it feels so goodddddd i feel like an it girl omg 😭😭😭 and also my grades are MAGNIFIC, i got accepted in our honors program and im currently a staff cadet in our military program I DID NOT EVEN KNOW IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO ACQUIRE A HIGH RANK HERE BUT I DID ITTTT I DID ITTTT IM LEADING :D

yeah i cant remember more but thats all i’ve accomplished so far, see u dont need the void to fucking manifest 🥱🥱🥱🥱 gurllll-

[chelseasdagger]

i just helped an older woman try cryotherapy for her first time today at work.

she said she had joint pain in her knee and her sciatic nerve was flaring up and giving her pain as well. she was definitely hesitant but me and my nurse on staff today helped her get bundled up and talk her through it.

she struggled to put the beanie on and catch all her hair in the hat so i offered to help. when i fixed it over her ears and put the flyaways inside she thanked me and told me i was so sweet. i went to grab her gloves and that’s when i noticed the tears in her eyes but i said nothing of it.

we asked what kind of music she’d like and she confessed she’d been trying to listen to more meditation music due to her trying to regulate herself from recent events. her son passed two years ago, her husband followed last year and now her sister just passed within the last few months.

it was kinda hard not to cry hearing it but she did so well and did the full session even though she was worried :’) we praised her and she gave us hugs after she got out of the chamber. after she got dressed she told us she felt no pain in the back of her leg along the nerve and i’m just so happy to hear that. i made her service today free and when she heard the news while digging through her wallet she cried again and hugged me once more.

i don’t even know what i’m writing this for but god i just love helping people and i know i’m not saving lives or anything but it’s making me feel even more and more secure in my decision to go into occupational therapy. nothing warms my heart the way helping people does

[zeondraws]

Slow progress on this painting...

I had my first session in new group therapy today. At first I thought it will be great, even with my nervousness, but at the end I cried out loud because of a painful memory from this year. And since the session was over I was pretty much left in that state, sure there was a therapy dog to pet, someone gave me a tissue but... I talked about the thoughts that popped up. But got stopped due to the time

Then everyone got up and swiftly made their way outside. They all seem friendly, but I felt very hurt. It just felt so cold to me, why did I even bother mentioning that thought. I tried to get home without sobbing too much and when I was home I tried to imagine my OCs comforting me. It helped, but I think it's time for bed. There isn't much friends can do to help me, I wish I could physically talk to someone irl about my thoughts. But I live alone. I have to think about, if I want to attempt joining a local art course or something. Just to maybe make a new friendship or two.

Ach man

[wingingitonwheels]

Getting there…November 2024

Wohoo!!! Here we go again!

1017 days. That’s the last time I sat at Heathrow Terminal 5, when I sacked my employers, jumped in the car and bolted to South America on a wing and a prayer. The drama filled days that preceded that trip are happily behind me. What a holiday, cos let’s face it, that’s what it was! I came home 131 days later, still having no clue what I’d do next. I always promised myself that having chosen to be a young mum, I’d do what most people do when the fledglings had flown. So that’s what I did!

As my next career plan hadn’t yet solidified, I started a job in the autumn of 2022 was as pants as the previous, only a different colour, style and fabric, but pants nonetheless. I had another soul-destroying 3-month notice period inflicted on me, and on finishing, had the long-anticipated bi-compartmental knee replacement to rebalance the metal in me, became a freelance consultant, resumed my sports and remedial therapy business and tried to adapt to a new world where cycling no longer featured.

I still have the same number of teeth but I have replaced the metal in that tooth with 4 different kinds of implants in my knee. My jaw has collapsed and I am very much looking forward to a Hannibal Lecter mouthguard when I get home. I have a fracture in my left metacarpal sustained after a freak bullseye hit from an industrial sized luggage strap buckle on it before an event. And luckily, what felt like a popped rib, sustained after my regular daily session of Greco-Roman Wrestling has calmed down. As caring about the weight of my bike and bags is no longer a topic of discussion (I am no longer fast and light, rather slow and heavy) I’ve bought with me hoarded drugs of all kinds and around 200 needles to get stuck into should the urge take me. Otherwise, not much has changed!

The body is an amazing pile of cells. It’s 8 months since I last cried about my knee, whilst it seems it will always hurt and never be good, it probably won’t get any better and hopefully won’t get any worse. On balance, there’s plenty of awful things that happen to people and in terms of knees, I’m just the first in a long line of my network who are likely to be getting similar at some point. The knee now marks my 12th operation since 2006! Still just about standing 😄

Which leads me to here. I’m sat in São Paulo, watching the world go by at Aeroporto Internacional de Guarulhos on a dull and wet day, only different from home because it’s warmer and people are not speaking English. Later today, I’ll lie in my apartment and listen to the tropical birds as they serenade each other. This is, after all, right on the edge of the Amazon (i like to think so anyway!). I’ll make a friend of my taxi driver again, this time, Rodriguez, and this time I’ll attempt pigeon Portuguese. He’ll tell me how the roads are flooded and the F1 Grand Prix was delayed. Keane will play on the radio and I’ll tell him I sat next to their producer and that the whole band and entourage were on my flight. Ace!

I stink, as I’ve been dragging round my adventure steed for nearly 24 hours. Martini’s a titanium adventure bike and much to my disgust, has a pannier rack and panniers (Olive and Espresso) tucked away in the mountain bike cardboard box which adorns her, covered in “FRAGILE” tape and weighing in at 22.5kg fully loaded. I upsized her tyres from 32 to 35, then 38 and finally 42c. They now weigh a massive 518 grams each! My additional travel companions are here too: there’s my old faithfuls, my Antler Star Wars Suitcase (think storm trooper) and Monkey 2, my old backpack which has come with me to Greece, across the Americas and around Wales. They’ll both shortly meet their maker as the bike box is cut into little pieces, at the point when I finally will have figured out where I’m going to begin this adventure. It’s fair to say that this trip, I am completely self-sufficient to the point I can even start a fire using steel and flint. That could be fun! The most exciting edition to this trip is the camera and two lenses. They are the heaviest items I’m carrying so I’ll have to do them some justice.

I decided on the plane that my personal transformation is complete. I’ve convinced myself I look like a bad ass ninja explorer, in black zip off trousers, black merino t-shirt and merino hoodie and to finish off the look, black merino socks. Nobody is going to mess with me. That is more attributable to being older so even less of a target for the supposed opportunistic bandits hanging out on every corner of Patagonia. There was definitely a time I dressed up to travel but alas, those times are gone. Whilst I have more clothing with me than last trip, that’s only by one t-shirt, an extra pair of knickers and a bikini. But 47 days of the same clothes! It’s not really befitting of a lady from Windsor who went to a convent (spell check just corrected that to concentration camp 😂).

I’m only in São Paulo because I first thought I’d ride Brazll. Chile kept calling me, haunting me as I’d not been able to get in during 2022 due to their IT systems and COVID. The impact of this indecision is I sit, waiting 6 hours now to get into an apartment where I’ll hang out until early tomorrow, when I’ll either jump on a plane, either to Santiago or Puerto Montt.

The hesitation around those plans is that the weather from Puerto Montt south until further notice looks like the end of the world (I guess it would because it is!). I’m not thrilled about the extreme likelihood of being completely wet through for 2 weeks, camping and riding through deep mud on unpaved roads the length of the UK. It seems torturous that just a hop, skip and jump across the Andes back into my old friend Argentina, the Patagonian desert is bone dry, windy yes, but also 25 degrees! It’s fair to say that as I sit here pontificating, it could go one of 4 ways. I’ve not lost my ability to wing it even if I’ve lost my fitness. Yes, everything will be okay!

My next biggest worry is which virus is likely to get me. I don’t know what it is about airports but I seem to attract travellers who sit down next to me and leak snot from every orifice. Do they sit down and quietly dispose of it into a tissue? No. They chug it down, project it in all directions and snort as if no one’s listening. I feel for them, I really do. Just go somewhere else. Perhaps that they want to let everyone know how unwell they are. Or to make others suffer “I’m about to have a shitty time on my trip, so come join me in my misery”. It happened at Heathrow and now again here. I wouldn’t mind but they seem to come find me. Why? And as if on queue, my ears detect I’m sat in infested corner…time to move…

For today and to this end, much like the last trip, I’ll get to my apartment, listen to the sounds of the city, the rain gently falling as tyres cut through puddles on the noisy street below. Sirens will erupt and accentuate the rhythm of the city. I’ll pick up my Spanish lessons and as I fall to sleep, mull over what the heck I’m going to do tomorrow.

In the morning, I’ll surreptitiously manoeuvre between duty free make up counters, slather up on moisturiser and perfume, and lament the time that will pass until I see them again. Victoria’s Secret will look down on me in disgust as I pass wearing one of the two pairs of knickers that will be my closest friends tor 7 weeks. I’ll know that I will definitely make it to Santiago but Puerto Montt? Who bloody knows? 😄

[violet-jessop]

i had my first therapy session today.

90 minutes with a psychologist who i'm booked to see once a week for the next 5 weeks.

a friend asked me if i was nervous last night when i told her, and i had to think on it. i found i wasn't. it was strange because logically i think i should have been, but i couldn't muster any real feelings about it. i felt indifferent. resigned.

i know that's probably not what she wanted to hear, but i think lying in this instance would have just given her false hope.

to get to this point has been such a shit show.

self harming since a decade ago this year, suicidal on and off for at least for the last eight. tried to seek help in 2019 only to get put on 10 times the starting dose of some random antidepressant and told to fuck off with no follow up and automatically renewing prescriptions. stopped taking those after a year or so with no real improvement. things have just steadily declined.

last year was okay, probably the most okay i've felt for an extended period since 2014. but now it's almost worse because i saw it could be okay, and now it's not again.

finding a psych that met my needs was near on impossible. my only two criteria were trans (or just a queer person who i could feel like less of a freak with) and able to deal with SI - and that left me with one option via telehealth. booked in to do a 15 minute consultation with her she was 30 minutes late to the session, so i assumed i'd been forgotten. then when she eventually called she didn't even acknowledge it.

getting the mental health care plan from my GP was so degrading. i went to a different doc because i didn't trust the last guy who is just so happy to write prescriptions. but the new guy was no better. clearly thought i didn't need any of this, wrote maybe 2 lines on the mhcp documents, left most of it blank, didn't even bother to sign it. said he performed the k10 which he didn't. straight up wrote that i seemed fine based on "good eye contact and engages well". and he never even sent it to the identity clinic, i had to chase him to obtain a copy so i could send it off myself.

and today rolls around. we have our session. what was supposed to cost me 134 out of pocket cost me 250 unexpectedly, so after the appointment they had to call me several times because my account had insufficient funds because i only had enough for what they'd told me it would cost.

in the session she misgendered me. she said "as a woman with autism. oh, i assume you're she/her right?". which was wild as a psych who works for the "identity clinic" - where i had to fill in a million forms that included my pronouns in multiple places. where i had sent an inquiry to find out if they had anyone on staff who would suit a non-binary person with SI. and then the SI, where i mentioned it as something i'd like to work through, and she pretty much told me if i talk about that sort of stuff in a non-joking way she'll have to make sure i'm institutionalised. so i had to play it off as a joke. as hyperbole. the two things, such basic things i thought. so what am i here for again? is what's wrong with me so taboo i can't even pay a medical professional $250 to let me speak about it? is my soul so putrid? if anyone ever tries to force me into inpatient i'll put on a pine overcoat as soon as possible, that's not up for debate.

so we talked about other things, and i cried in front of another person for the first time in ages and it wasn't even cathartic it was just for the shame of admitting my failings out loud. and she told me maybe my anxiety is just autistic meltdown which i know isn't right, i know the difference. she walked me through diaphragmatic breathing like i was 5. she recommended i buy airpods and try burlesque. it reminded me of Jo telling me i should try drumming circles around the time of my first attempt.

so i suppose i was right in feeling indifferent. i had enough hope left to try, but not enough to be hopeful. i really don't have the energy to go through this all again. time is ticking down, 128 weeks at best. i suppose i'll give her another two sessions and see. but if she doesn't work out i think that's me done. how many times am i expected to try? it was already mortifying enough. i know Tal will be angry, but i just don't have it in me to keep doing this over and over. every failed attempt at getting better just adds more weight, reaffirms what i already suspected.

and the statistics of it. either i've encountered consistently bad medical practitioners OR the problem lies with me. at this point statistically it has to be me, there's just been too many failings. especially when i see so many friends drive the same road without issue. yet i keep hitting roadblock after roadblock. at what point do i just acknowledge that i'm a bad driver? maybe it's been roadblock after roadblock because there's nothing else, there is no good ending. i shouldn't be on the road to begin with.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: April 17, 2024 🎀

today was a decent day up until the end, when I got upset and emotional over some things and ended up crying again. I swear, I've cried the last 6 out of 7 nights, and I'm so tired of it. here's to hoping things finally get better soon because this emotional stuff is seriously affecting my productivity, motivation, and discipline.

🩷 What I Accomplished:

studied chapter 6 of Latin American Spanish on Busuu

listened to 3 podcast episodes in Spanish

completed and submitted my lab report and pre lab quiz, also did my pre lab notebook prep

went to my last chem lab for the semester

went to chem lecture

had a meeting with the Dietetic director to map out some classes for the upcoming semesters

washed dishes

attempted a phone call with my boyfriend for the first time in a week (relationship issues + long distance × love ÷ dating for 2 years = an emotional rollercoaster, and lots of frustration)

washed laundry, did not put away yet

scheduled a therapy session for tomorrow morning

completed a 7 minute pilates abs workout from Madeliene Abeid

completed the 11 minute wake up yoga from Yoga with Adriene

started to do the 5 min daily stretch from Pamela Reif but my dad called me so I didn't finish it

downloaded a pdf of a Spanish textbook

rescheduled my italki lesson because I need to study for chem

scheduled 2 study rooms to study for chem with my chem lab partner

completed the pre class assignment for chemistry

walked ~8k steps

🩷 Good Things That Happened:

saw my dad this morning, who then took me to the campus library a bit early (I love getting to see my dad, I don't get to see him too often since he lives on the opposite side of town)

passed my lab report and pre class assignment

finished my chem lab super fast

had pizza rolls for dinner (I needed something quick and simple cause I've been tired)

got more practice with the chemistry lecture content

woke up esrly enough to do my morning routine

did a complete night routine, including skincare (-didn't read tho, couldn't decide on a book )

more good things happened, I just honestly can't remember them right now. but today was not a bad day.

💗 Stuff For Thursday:

psyc doc appointment

therapy appointment

supplemental chemistry class hours

make sure I'm caught up on homework

apply to/write essays for some scholarship applications

check hours worked if possible to determine next week's paycheck

study Spanish!!! dedicate a good chunk of time to it

do my morning and night routine as best as possible

Thursday is definitely going to be an interesting day, thats for sure. I don't feel as tho I'll have as much to do, but I'm going to find things to do, like studying my Spanish, etc.

til next time lovelies 🩷

ps. check out my depop shop <3

💕 Song of The Day -

Le Sserafim - Antifragile

this has been a long time fave of mine

[artiststarme]

I always see fics about Eddie hurting Steve but I never see any about Steve hurting Eddie. So here you go! I hope you guys like it and please leave your thoughts in the comments.

~*~*~*~

Eddie knew that Steve had good intentions and he knew that he was blowing things out of proportion. However, he was so sick of not having control over anything in his life that things were bound to blow up at some point. Between not graduating high school with the rest of his year, being put on house arrest for several months while waiting for his name to clear, and dealing with his life-altering injuries, Eddie was a miniscule way away from breaking down entirely. 

Unfortunately, Steve was the last crack that it took for his whole facade to shatter. 

Eddie didn’t have control over anything. He couldn’t make the townspeople believe his side of things or in his innocence. He couldn’t walk across the stage to pick up his diploma like he’d dreamed of doing for years. He couldn’t even breathe too deeply some days in fear of awakening a flare of chronic pain. 

What he could do though was keep a tidy trailer. He’d taken to organizing the fridge and cabinets in the kitchen in a way that only made sense to him. He’d color-coded his DnD notebooks and tapes in his room. Hell, he’d even organized Wayne’s remaining mug collection in order from most to least flattering colors. He had a system now in his home and it was quite literally the only thing keeping him together. 

So when Wayne dropped him off at home after a particularly grueling physical therapy session and found the kitchen reorganized, he might have lost it a little bit. And when he opened the fridge to find his travel cup of coffee missing, what other option did he have than to cry? He burst into loud, ugly sobs and melted to the floor. It wouldn’t help the pain in his scars when he tried to get back up but he needed to feel close to gravity again. 

Steve came running out of Eddie’s bedroom at the first cry and sunk to his knees beside him desperately. “Eddie, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Can you answer me?”

“Where’s my coffee? I had it on the door of the fridge but now it’s gone. Where is it?” He asked frantically. 

Steve just shook his head, “Eds, it was almost empty and it’s been there for days so I threw it away.”

There went his last shred of sanity. “I made it today! It was fine, you had no right to throw it away! That was the only thing I’ve been looking forward to! Fuck!”

“Eds, relax. There’s another coffee in there and you shouldn’t be drinking so much coffee anyways. The kitchen was really disorganized so I cleaned it up for you, I thought you’d be happy,” Steve said. 

Eddie just shook his head in response, tears still dripping from his face. “I’m the one that organized it! I have a fucking system, Steve! This is the one thing that I can control and you took it away! I asked you not to mess with anything, but you did it anyway.”

Steve just looked at him in confusion, “I just wanted to help-”

“Please leave, I can’t do this right now.” He needed to sob his emotions out in peace and then take a long, grieving nap. 

“Are we breaking up?” Steve whispered.

“No, I’m mad at you because you threw my coffee away and fucked up my system. I’ll call you later just… please leave for now. Please,” Eddie begged him. 

Steve shrugged, picked up his keys, and walked out the door. Then, Eddie was alone with a disastrously organized kitchen and a lack of coffee. They would talk this out later and establish boundaries so this never happened again. But for now, Eddie was alone with his depression, pain, and angst. With little else to do, he tucked his face into his knees and cried. 

Permanent tag list: @doubleb11 @nburkhardt @zerokrox-blog @newtstabber @i-less-than-three-you @carlyv @pyrohonk @straight4joekeery @trippypancakes @conversesweetheart @estrellami-1 @suddenlyinlove @yikes-a-bee @swimmingbirdrunningrock @perseus-notjackson @anaibis @merricatty @maya-custodios-dionach @grtwdsmwhr @manda-panda-monium @lumoschild @goodolefashionedloverboi @mentallyundone @awkwardgravity1

[enchanted-wildflower]

100 days of productivity (37/100)

Thursday, 25th of January

I keep forgetting to take pictures while studying and to post in general. Today was good, I had my first therapy session in a year and a half and it went well. My therapist changed her prices and now has a student discount so it's a bit cheaper than in the past, which is great as well. I was also invited to a birthday party by someone from university which positively surprised me, cause I didn't think we were close enough yet. Aaand I had my first class of a subject which I had already taken 2 years ago, but didn't pass back then. Turns out the teacher changed and I already had this new teach in another class, so I know he is nice and what his level of expectations is. So yeah, overall a pretty good day :)

Yesterday my ex told me that he is now sure he never wants to get back together and I cried a lot AGAIN, but at least now i know it's definitely over. The last few months have been very confusing. It felt like we were breaking up during two whole months, cause it wasn't really clear if we would get back together or if it's definitely over.

Profuctivity:

Went to class (3h)

Did a task for uni (3h maybe)

Cooked

Cleaned the kitchen

Selfcare:

Read tarot

Had lots of tea

Tried a new hairstyle now that my hair is getting long enough

Had a nap

Went to therapy

[widowwaddles]

Casualty of Love (Snippet)

Summary: The Scarlet Witch’s path to reunite with her kids was filled  with destruction. And now you must fan the flames in order to help your  family adjust to your new life afterward.

A what-if story continuing the aftermath of the Scarlet Witch's dream walking but of Wanda who had never awoken her powers. She is now plagued with the memories of her alternate's life. Would you be able to support your Wanda through this new journey or will you lose the Wanda you fell in love with in the process?

A/n: Excuse me as I just just drop this here and fade back into the background. Something short to test this idea out, let me know your thoughts.

Masterlist

The New Normal

Your slumber was interrupted by tossing and turning from beside you.

Your eyes burn as you open them. It’s a struggle to keep them open, as your body desperately craves the one thing it’s gone without for the past month. Between the hotel rooms, family therapy sessions, and the legal repercussions of proving your wife’s innocence for the Scarlet Witch’s tirade, a good night's sleep became a luxury you could no longer afford. You craved the mundane normalcy that your life once had before She wrecked havoc in your lives. But a part of you knew that things could never go back to how they were, and that was a grieving process in itself. It broke your heart to look at your family every morning and all you see is a hollow shell of their former selves.

You felt useless for being unable to do anything as you saw your wife’s eyes become filled with a scarlet glow as she murdered those in her path. The woman who could never hurt a fly, disappearing from the house without a word and returning covered in blood with no memory of where she was or what she’d done. That moment should have been your first clue that something was wrong and you should have prepared for the worst, but as you held your shaking wife that night you couldn’t think of anything other than cleaning her up and making the tears stop. Her breaths finally evened out as she lay on your chest, the steady rhythm of your heart lulling her into sleep.

You hear Wanda begin to mutter in her sleep as her hands clench the sheets under her grasp. This was the third nightmare tonight.

“Wanda, baby” you call out softly.

“Please, don’t hurt them” she pleads, still trapped within the nightmare.

Sitting up, you turn on the lamp. Getting a better look at your wife, her face is in distress with sweat covering her forehead. You knew that you needed to wake her now. Shaking her body, you call out to her again. “We’re safe baby, please open your eyes for me”

This seems to do the trick and as she opens her eyes, you are greeted with a flicker of scarlet before they return back to green. The adrenaline from her nightmare still plaguing her body as her chest rises and falls with a quickness. Pulling her body into you until her head rests against your chest, you knew this was the only way to prevent the start of her panic attacks after these types of dreams.

“Detka” she cries out. “The boys, where are they? I need to find them”

She attempts to thrash away from your grip, but you don’t let her go. “They’re okay, I promise. Today’s a big day for them, remember it's their first day” You shush her, rocking your body as you remind her of the day’s schedule. School was the (reluctant) first step to gaining stability and normalcy in their lives. Silence fills the air, and when you felt her breaths calm down you thought she had fallen back to sleep once again.

“Y/N, please. I need to see my babies” she begs, her voice so small and broken.

“Okay,” you give in, knowing just how much she needs reassurance with her own eyes. “But, we can’t wake them or else they’ll never go back to bed,” you say lightly, in hopes of gaining a smile from Wanda but all you hear in response is Wanda rushing out of the room like a woman on a mission.

Sighing, you get out of bed and tread to the hallway. As you approach their room, you see Wanda is already sitting on the bed, slowly stroking Tommy’s cheek before moving to Billy’s. Ever since the incident, they’ve reverted to sleeping in the same bed again, in fear of one day waking up to the other being gone forever. As you enter, you approach the window that overlooks the beds and adjust the digital baby monitor you’ve had to purchase since moving into this new house. The boys are still adjusting to the new house and after the first night waking up to screams of horror, you both wanted to ensure their safety from the convenience of your room. You could still remember the glare you received from Wanda when you mentioned the idea of returning to your bedroom at night instead of sleeping with the twins for a night. You would have thought that you said the evilest thing in the world from the way she refused to speak to you for the rest of the day. It wasn’t until you brought it up again with their therapist that she had actually agreed it would be better to start the transition now that you were in a new city. Wanda was reluctant to agree but only under the condition that cameras were installed around the house in case something happens. You didn’t think that you needed to do something that drastic yet, so you both eventually compromised with the baby monitor. It hasn’t even been a full week yet, but the boys were handling it far better than you had expected. Ever since the move, they’ve taken things even better than you and Wanda had. It made your heart swell with love when you saw how peaceful and carefree they looked as they slept.

Wanda leans forwards, pressing a kiss onto each of their cheeks before standing up. She lets out a shaky breath, reaching out for your hand now that she’s been able to believe that her family was safe. You grab her hands and guide her back to your bedroom.

As you lay back down in bed, you could tell something was still preventing Wanda from fully relaxing again.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I… I don’t understand these dreams. It's a life that’s so different from mine, one without you or the boys. And it scares me so much” she confesses, her grip tightening on your hand. “I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost this, lost you. Each night I’m reliving the same nightmare that always ends with me alone, with everyone around me dead”

You kiss her head and rub her back.

“What if she’s still inside of me? And I try to hurt you or the twins again, I would never forgive myself” she says frantically, working herself up again.

“Wanda look at me” you say firmly, before grabbing her hands. “We are safe, and you are safe. The tests have all confirmed that she is gone and she’ll never come back. You’re my wife, and the mother to the best kids in the world. I know you’ll never do anything to hurt our family. And I will never let anything happen to you or the boys, again” You speak with so much conviction that it springs tears in Wanda’s eyes.

“It won’t be easy but soon we’ll heal from this, and it’ll become a distant memory. Our love is strong enough to get through this, but you can’t bottle it all in. I need you to trust and let me be there for you for as long as it takes until it happens, you’re not alone and you’ll never be as long as I’m here”

“Okay,” she sobs out. “Don’t ever let go, I’m afraid of what I’ll become if you did. I can’t do this without you”

“Never. I’m not going anywhere” you promise.

You don’t remember how long you spent holding Wanda until all you heard was her soft snores. You look towards your alarm and instantly know that your time to rest has come to an end. You get up and begin preparing for the day, deciding to start with the kitchen knowing your wife would be happy to see it clean before she makes breakfast. It feels like your body has been moving on autopilot for the past month, and you had no idea how much longer you could sustain the current pace of your lives.

You have to fight the urge to break down every time you see the pain in their eyes whenever something accidentally triggers them to that hell. It’s something you should have gotten used to by now, but the aching behind your eyes reminds you that you weren’t invincible (even though you wished you were). You felt weak and useless, not knowing what you could do to help but you’d never let that show. It is up to you to hold this family together. The only thing motivating you now was the hope that tomorrow would be better than today, and with this glass-half-full mindset, you could see the progress. So you had to remain strong, for the good of your family. All of the sleepless nights and tears would all be worth it in the end. But until that day comes, you’ll just have to accept that this is your new normal.  

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Oh No! Here Comes Trouble: (more) Headcanons

Look I have no excuses left. I’m trying to channel Guangyan’s academic success and only succeeding in channeling Yiyong’s. They practically owe me a season two at this point for making me the OnePer of my own life.

1.) Chuying has gotten…well. A tad bit “cautious” now, never mind her coworkers’ gentle comment about her being “totally fucking paranoid,” because they didn’t have to scrape Yiyong’s broken body and Guangyan’s broken heart off the floor of a museum, leaving their own broken confidence behind, now did they? Its not really a problem. Until it is. Until she clotheslines one of Guangyan’s little college friends who’s running towards him and looking shady about it (who looks happy at school on a Tuesday? Villains. Psychopaths. Pastry chefs. Bad people, that’s who). It’s possible her boss was right to force her to go to therapy. She will not be telling him that. She maintains overcaution is best (Yiyong had laughed when he’d heard about it and Guangyan had looked suspiciously gleeful at the sight of his supposed school friend’s cartwheel through the air), so it’s fine.

2.) Yiyong’s first case post coma two (ugh) is a dead violinist trying to locate his lost sonata that it turns out his fake friend stole and killed him over. After the case is settled, Guangyan waxes on about some dumb movie called Coco and forces Yiyong to watch it. It’s after one of Yiyong’s PT sessions, so they sit in Yiyong’s bed for it. There is approximately no room and Guangyan keeps hissing about how certain people treat their guests, but they eventually create a blanket fort, largely by accident, and settle in to watch. Yiyong’s mother joins them partway through, smelling like dye chemicals. Yiyong is not upset by the story. He isn’t. He’s upset by his mom’s worn out voice as she asks random questions about the film like Yiyong knows things, he’s upset about the stupid plotting because the stupid kid doesn’t feel like he can follow his stupid passion and is missing his stupid family, he’s upset by Guangyan’s very soft hands that keep wrapping around Yiyong’s arm (annoying, clingy, he makes no move to stop him) during sad moments. So that’s why if he cries a little, it’s because he’s upset about those things.

3.) Yiyong’s mom and Guangyan’s dad have a “what the shit are the kids up to” drinks session a few nights a week. She’s convinced him to try her favorite beer. Neither of them really have many friends, but they have some very strange young people in common and a lot of silences in their lives where there used to be more people. One of their favorite drinking games involves the number of times the kids will text complaining something predictable about each other, or whether Chuying will send a vague, panicked text about something they are definitely not supposed to be up to.

4.) Guangyan has a terrible, terrible day. Everything goes wrong. He oversleeps by fifteen minutes, he gets two questions wrong (wrong???) on an exam, he drags his feet in dejection on the way to lab work and gets scolded for being “almost late,” and one of his classmates tells him he “doesn’t look great today.” In a fit of frustration at his own imperfections, he sends Chuying and Yiyong a rare introspective text wondering if he’s just the absolute most worthless, useless person ever. Chuying sends back about fifty inspirational Pinterest posts about how you’re ❤️special as you are❤️, and follows these up by threatening to come over and beat up whoever made him think this (he declines carefully). Yiyong says nothing in the chat, which he expected. But. He comes home and finds that Someone has drawn a picture for him, crumpled it up and thrown it through his window (based on the dirt on the outside, the toss failed several times). The drawing is rendered in sunset colors, and it’s of the teacups ride at the amusement park. It’s beautifully drawn, with careful detail down to the design on the teacup. In the forefront, two figures are whirling around in a teacup. One looks a little grumpy, the other one is alight with joy and shaded in with soft pastel. The caption simply reads, “The Most Worthless, Useless Day Ever.”

5.) The trio go on expeditions together—not just for cases now, but because Chuying saw a cool festival, or Guangyan needs people to come with him to this horrible networking event (and later regrets this deeply), or Yiyong gets that distant look in his eyes and needs to start walking. He likes that his people, his two people (and his high school friends, if he so chooses) will go somewhere, anywhere with him for no reason. Even just to sit on a bench somewhere. He thinks a lot on these walks. About how Chuying needs to stop second-guessing herself these days, because something hurts in his chest to see the mighty OnePer flicker with doubt; about how Guangyan always gets the same look in his eyes when he’s overworked himself and is about to fall asleep on Yiyong’s shoulder (he’s not entirely ready to examine why he always waits around on late study nights with anticipation for those moments); about how much he wishes he could have introduced them both to his dad and grandfather. He thinks about how his family is here and not-here, all still with him one way or another, and how he’s probably going to start drawing that comic again soon (after all, he did have that one reader, why not dream big?).

[disasterpurplebois]

So I adopted a cat and I’m a goddamn mess about it

I’ve been talking about getting a cat for yearsss but never could living at home. My friend’s aunt passed away and they wanted someone to take her cat so it seemed perfect.

I met her after like a month of thinking and researching and she was super affectionate and friendly so I took her home.

My friend and her family were super grateful and got kind of misty eyed when I took her and my friend said it was bc they knew she was in good hands

Well.

Day one was fine. She was all over exploring the house. I tried to close some rooms off so she wasn’t overwhelmed. She did poop on my bathroom mat once which was annoying but it wasn’t too bad. She intermittently hid and zoomed around. I kept her downstairs the first night and she was chill, I didn’t really hear anything.

Day 2 was also fine, she explored more of the house and I decided to move her stuff to my spare bedroom upstairs bc her liter box didn’t really fit in my downstairs bathroom. She’s still super affectionate and generally pretty chill. That night was fucking ROUGH. I had a full blown panic attack thinking about leaving all day the next day for work. I tried to keep her out of my room cause I just don’t really want her in there. She got in and explored a bunch but I was able to get her out but I had to block the door bc she could push it open and even after that she was crying and scratching at it all night. I actually tried to just let her in to sleep with me after a bit cause I felt so bad but she just kept moving around and I almost had another panic attack bc it was dark and I couldn’t see where she was so I put her out again.

I had to work the next day and I was a fucking mess. I was literally sobbing about it to my coworker in the morning. I talked to a couple coworkers about it and they gave me some ideas. One said I should shut her in one room at night (with her liter box and food) so I decided I would give that a try. It did work a lot better to put her in that room cause I couldn’t hear her as well when she cried and she wasn’t scratching at my door.

My aunt knows I adopted the cat so she texted me at the end of my shift and said “I bet you can’t wait to get home to see her” and I honestly wanted to be like um actually no I’m super anxious about how she did today and I don’t want to deal with anything when I get home cause I’m exhausted.

She was fine tho so I’m like 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had sort of half decided this morning that I didn’t think I could keep her. I talked to more people about it today and it was split. One coworker said she could def be trained out of her habits I don’t want her to have, but it would take months. One of my students said it sounded like I made a decision and I shouldn’t feel bad about it since it was stressing me out.

None of my friends or family have been super helpful with advice. My aunt made me feel like shit for shutting her in a room. We never had pets growing up so my parents were no help.

I feel so damn bad for being so stressed and anxious about it. My friend said they could take the cat back and I just feel so defeated and also still undecided. Since I got home she’s been super chill and just sitting by me/on me. But now I’m also thinking ahead to when I go away next week and having to get someone to feed her (and figuring out getting a second key and if I can remotely disarm my alarm system to let someone in) so just a lot of things I need to try to figure out on top of already being anxious. And half of me wants to just give her back and go back to being solo. But the other half knows this is the easiest cat I could have adopted and if I don’t keep her I’ll never get another cat again.

I told my friend to give me a few days with her since I’ll be off. But I feel bad for telling her I was having difficulty bc I feel like she’s stressed about it.

I’m having an extra therapy session tomorrow to talk about my anxiety around it. I haven’t had a panic attack in over a year, if not two, and I thought I had coping mechanisms and also didn’t think I would be this anxious about it. So we’ll see