#so i get categorized as a femme or woman lite or female presenting

[queer-reader-07]

this was really validating for me. because so often i get lumped in as "a femme" because i'm afab and i wear makeup (usually colorful & glittery) & i have pink hair & i wear heals sometimes & crop tops & dangly earrings.

but the thing that is always so difficult to get across to, specifically cis people, but also a lot of other trans people, is that it doesn't feel feminine to me. granted that took a fuck ton of mental and emotional work on my end, and i still have days where my dysphoria is bad and i end up in a two sizes too big hoodie and baggy as fuck jeans. but even still, the glitter and the pink and the crop tops don't feel feminine or girly to me. they feel like me, they feel gender fucky and androgynous and non conforming. it's not embracing womanhood and femininity because i don't personally align with those things.

is this nonbinary person actually "male presenting", or did you just decide that based on your arbitrary idea of maleness?

is this nonbinary person actually "female presenting", or did you just decide that based on your arbitrary idea of femaleness?

perhaps they're just "presenting" as themselves and your binary biases are clouding your judgement?

[charmanderxerneas]

sorry this is just me, person with abnormal gender experience, ranting ^^”

Let’s have a little ramble about gender and pronouns ^w^ ^w^ specifically: How annoying it can be when people assume things about you and your gender and pronouns instead of just asking.

For example:

-Assuming pronouns equate gender. “This person uses they/them pronouns so they Must be nonbinary. or This person uses she/her pronouns so they must be female” This is not always the case! people can have different pronouns that aren’t necessarily traditionally associated with how society sees their gender.

-Related to that last point, people like to make dumb discourse and argue about which pronouns are “acceptable” to use with which pronouns. Please know that if you see anyone arguing over whether or not “he/him lesbians are valid” “can you be a bi lesbian?” or “are neopronouns valid?” or some similar shit: that is a terf or a cop or some shit trying to provoke the community into bad faith arguments while distracting from actual issues! All it does is turn people against each other when at the end of the day: What labels someone uses doesn’t actually really harm anyone and only matters to the person themselves. They know themselves better than anyone else and therefore are the only person who can decide labels for themselves (or choose not to use labels for themselves at all! Relating to that…)

-It’s annoying that even within the queer community, some people try to force you into labels and boxes. Labels can be really important to some people, allowing them to put into words how they identify and it lets them take pride in that! That should be celebrated. But also: Some people don’t need labels at all and it’s annoying to assume all people need them! I’ll see people analyze nonbinary or trans people like “are they femme or masc presenting? are they gay or a lesbian or pan or bi or this or that? They’re nonbinary, so let’s categorize what type of nonbinary person they are-“ This can be so bothersome if you feel like you dont want to put any labels on yourself. Im not femme/masc/androgynous presenting or this or that: I am just existing and dont want to have to put effort into finding a label when We literally don’t think we fall into the traditional binary of what society thinks our gender should be and you’re going “Well lets see if i can categorize you anyways”. blehhhh. of course i do personally have some labels i do connect with but not everyone does and its annoying when people try to assign you categories that you arent already adopting for yourself.

-Obvious one: Assuming someone’s pronouns based on looks. like going: “Oh that person has long hair and dresses girly so I’ll assume she/her” when you didn’t ask the person how they wanna be called. Also: You can be trans and still dress however way you want, even if its not what society thinks your gender “should” be dressing as. If there’s a trans guy wearing a dress: you dont get to question if hes ‘really trans or not’ clothes and personal expression and appearance do NOT equal gender. Some of us just wanna fucking wear whatever clothes we want without even thinking about that kinda stuff… Just ask the person how they wanna be called!

-Stop thinking of nonbinary people as “woman lite” or “basically a women” or that we’re all just afab and androgynous looking and shit like that. People act so uncomfortable with things they think are “masculine” that they’re fucking hostile to people in their own community (I seen people be so nasty to amab nonbinary people… or nonbinary and trans people with ‘masculine’ traits…. or fat nonbinary people. or anyone who doesnt fall into their idea of “pretty”) its so clear you don’t actually respect nonbinary people if you are just thinking of them as “whatever gender I think they look like”. Same applies for other trans people: If their clothes or pronouns or ANYTHING makes it so you think about them as anything other than their preferred gender: You dont actually respect them

-Assuming the preference of pronouns based on how someone lists them out. I seen some people go “if someone’s bio says ‘she/they’, then you have to use she more than you use they!” SOMETIMES people will follow this rule, but don’t just assume that’s the case! Sometimes it’s just… someone with multiple pronouns with no real preference of how frequently you use them. For example: I use both he/him and she/her. If i put “she/he” in my bio and people started using she way way more than they use he for me: I would be sad because ideally itd be nice to use my pronouns interchangeably. Everyone is different so don’t assume what works for one person is universal! If you don’t know, just ask the person “Do you have any preference for how often I use which pronouns?” Because some people do list their most preferred ones first, but some people don’t!

-Maybe this one’s a hot take. I think it’s perfectly valid to get upset over people not respecting you and your identity and what you want to be called. But also please remember that 95% of people online are not checking ur bio before they address you on a post lol. I’ve seen people be bothered if someone says ‘they’ when they don’t know a persons gender… it IS offensive to use ‘they’ if the person doesnt use they/them pronouns and youre just trying to avoid using their actual pronouns: But guys not everyone online knows your pronouns. You can inform people of your pronouns if you feel like you need to! Just dont assume everyone reads ur bio lol. I have similar feelings about words like “dude” or “girl”… if you do not want to be called those: Thats absolutely fine and people should respect that, its shitty if they dont! but its also silly when people yell at people for not reading their bio and realizing they were a girl before saying “hey dude” or something like that.

You can inform people thats not something you wanna be called without being mean lol. Not that its not valid if you genuinely feel upset over peoples small mistakes or Not reading your pronouns before addressing you: But it really helps no one to be passive aggressive (only makes people feel worse and more bitter towards you for messing up!) Some people are shitty and intentionally misgender. but some people are allies just genuinely making a mistake and will go “oh my bad” if you just communicate.

Really just: communication is key for everything haha. Don’t assume things about other people. Ask people how they wanna be called. Lets all be kinder to each other today. sorry im always ranting annoyingly besties. im incoherent its 1:30 am