#so here's my recommendation: if you're the kind of person who can get completely absorbed by something like i do

[aro-aizawa]

i swear the absolute HEIGHT of total happiness is when a long fic wraps up with a wonderfully happy ending

[samwisethewitch]

green-earth-witch replied to your post:

I'm moving from Washington to Alabama in a couple months and I'm really hoping to learn about the Southern folk practices, and maybe incorporate some parts of it into my own. Do you have any recommendations on how to go about doing that? Or are a lot of practices kept within families?

Not South-specific, but I love Satan in America by W. Scott Poole for American devil lore. A lot of Southern folklore does involve the Devil, and this book addresses that.

I'm not gonna lie, a lot of this stuff is oral tradition, which means that only way to learn it is to be told about it by someone else. A lot of it is background knowledge that you just kind of absorb from growing up here, and I'm not sure how an outsider would go about getting that kind of immersion.

Southern Cunning by Aaron Oberon has some good stuff in it, but Oberon's system is more structured than a lot of other Southern folk magic and if I remember correctly is entirely based on one collection of folk tales? He's also from Florida, which is culturally very different from the rest of the Southeast. While it may not be super helpful for learning about Alabama traditions, it's a good example of how you can build a complete practice based on folklore.

A lot of people really love Backwoods Witchcraft by Jake Richards, and I actually own a copy, but I've never gotten around to finishing it so I can't give my complete thoughts. What I have read is similar to what I've heard from people around me, but that's probably because Richards and I both live in Southern Appalachia. That may or may not be relevant to you depending on which part of Alabama you're moving to -- even within one state, mountain people and valley people have very different traditions.

Sticks, Stones, Root & Bones by Stephanie Rose Bird is about hoodoo, which is African-American folk magic. However, Bird's practice is actually the closest to my own brand of folk magic of any book I've read, probably because there's a lot of overlap between hoodoo and Southern folk magic. Bird also incorporates elements of African Traditional Religions, but a lot of the theory and practice of magic is the same across both traditions.

The New World Witchery podcast is an excellent resource for American folk magic in general, and they have some episodes that are Southern-specific. One of the hosts recently published a book, also called New World Witchery, but I haven't read it and have no idea if it contains info on Southern folk magic.

Those are the only resources I personally feel comfortable recommending. I'm sure there are other good ones out there, but I've encountered A LOT of bad resources for American folk magic. Here's some red flags to avoid:

"Hoodoo" is specifically African-American folk magic. It is NOT an umbrella term for all American folk magic, which is a popular misconception for some reason. A book that says so is not a good resource.

The South is not a unified culture, and Southern folk magic is not a unified tradition. Folk magic in Alabama will be very different from Tennessee or Louisiana. Authors who have done their research will acknowledge this and will clarify which region they're talking about.

Southern folk magic (and American folk magic more generally) is very different from Wiccan-style magic. There's no circle casting, no calling quarters, and no God/Goddess or divine masculine/divine feminine. I've come across some resources that are essentially Wicca with some Southern folk elements sprinkled in for flavor, but are claiming to be authentic Southern magic. Don't read those.

Likewise, there's little to no overlap between folk magic and New Age beliefs. No Southern tradition I'm familiar with uses crystals, meditation, or chakras.

(There's nothing wrong with mixing traditions. I do that in my own practice. But authors should be honest about which traditions they're pulling from.)

Southern folk magic is very, very Christian. It is possible to practice without using Christian elements (I do), but doing so is not traditional. An honest attempt to teach these traditions as they were historically practiced will include Christian elements like Psalms, holy water, and sometimes saints. A resource that doesn't include those elements probably isn't reliable.

This is all good for general knowledge about folk magic in the Southern US, but if you really want to connect to folk magic in YOUR area, you'll need to do some legwork.

Learn about your local folklore and urban legends. What creepy ghost stories do people tell in your area? How can you incorporate that into a magical practice?

Get familiar with the plants in your backyard. Learn about their culinary, medicinal, and magical uses. See how that aligns with the local lore.

And most importantly, talk to people! Especially people who grew up there!

[ms-demeanor]

Potentially stupid question, but I genuinely can not tell the medical truth from BS on this: Is “leaky gut” a real thing? It sets off all my alarm bells, but two separate doctors have mentioned it to me so now I don’t know what to believe.

Kind of? But kind of not?

It gets used a lot in a lot of woo circles, and especially for people who have gut-related disorders like Celiac, IBS, and Crohn's, but may also be connected to other autoimmune issues? But there's not actually a hell of a lot of evidence for it?

Like I think a part of this is a terminology issue between doctors and patients; "leaky gut" doesn't have a terribly specific meaning but there is a theorized higher pass-through rate for under-processed nutrients and molecules from the gut in certain populations? Basically possibly in people who have damaged intestinal lining there's a possibility that some nutrients or byproducts of food breakdown are passed through the gut barrier more than they should be? But it's hard to measure and highly variable and basically if your doctor is recommending action about a leaky gut it might be time to get a second opinion from somebody else because in terms of "what can you do about it" there's a bunch of shrugging all around.

What gets me is that it seems like you could just call it malabsorption (possibly you are absorbing more of some things and less of others and taking in the incorrect amount in either direction is malabsorption, right? ). That is a known impact of gut disorders; incompletely digested nutrients entering the bloodstream seems like it would obviously be a part of the same mechanism that prevents you from absorbing complete nutrition?

Like, 'leaky gut' is not in and of itself a diagnosis and so far as we can tell that it does sometimes happen we have an incomplete and unactionable understanding of why it happens. So if you've got someone saying "here take this garcenia cambogia for your leaky gut" that person is a quack, but if you have someone saying "yeah, there's an association between Crohn's and lupus and you may want to watch for XYZ symptoms and make sure you're getting enough fiber in your diet and take supplementary vitamins because you may have problems getting all your nutrients from food" that is not as likely to be bullshit.

[captainfightingflower]

so, have you sent any more NSFW to minors since we last spoke? bullied any other art traders? docs(.)google(.)com/document/u/0/d/1jUho0f5WpIlKQDLWmfjuYuPBNib2hB1Dh_3Cx9m2u_c/

Mmm, been a while since i got one of you! On my vacation no less, in such an unprofessional way as well? You don't even feel like a real person. Is this ask real? Where are the hidden cameras? This has gotta be a prank! No sane person fucking talks to people like this. Do you walk up to reformed criminals on the street while wearing an anonymous mask and ask them if they shot a guy recently while showing them a collage made from newspaper clippings displaying the crimes they did? Fucking hope not!

Not to mention bringing up the infamous Google Doc that has been stated to be mostly made up of malicious lies and outdated evidence (most being cherry picked from autistic meltdowns)? God this feels like a parody with how typical this is of people like you.

(I think it goes without mentioning that i don't do nether, i have matured past being the little self-absorbed trolly pest i was pre-google doc and i now know that consent is dope and being respectful to people is awesome sauce! I have grown and matured, because that's what humans do).

At least if you said it off of anonymous, you would have gotten respect from me for at least being 100% open about it, yet you decided on the cowardly option. You know that i wouldn't block you for doing this, right? You have to be VERY VERRRY bad for me to consider doing that. Because it almost feels like that you know that this isn't the right opinion to have, if you weren't on anon, at least people would know that you're confident in your stance, but here it feels like you don't wanna be associated with your own opinion.

You wanna be loud? Then be loud & proud, go the whole nine yards. I won't block you so what's there to lose? Don't be a wimp and man up!

Now, if you want a more typical reaction, i have provided one so all parties can be happy.

First of all: bold. You're just expecting to anonymously spill the beans on any potential dickishness i might potentially be doing behind closed doors? I might be autistic, but that doesn't automatically mean fucking idiot, it never does!

+ I haven't done nether of those things that i did on drunken impulse or only one time respectively. I have only sent porn to people who can and have consented to it and have been nothing but kind, understanding & apologetic to the people i have art traded with since. As well as apologise to Alanna (the one who was "bullied" but was actually just stressed out) several times (all of which she accepted quite well because she is a very kind soul!)

I don't know if you're either a troll (in which case i can respect the hussle for trying to get a strong reaction out of me, you failed, it was neutral at best) or you seriously think you can just go on anon and ask me DIRECTLY (which i can easily just ignore you, making any effort fruitless) trying to expose me for something i did years ago and not only regret doing, but have actively tried to move past and become a better person (which i have succeeded quite well on a personal level) and expect me to suddenly bow down and make up lies to please you and make me look bad. I pray you're the former, because the latter is just very very sad.

Secondly: I have stated many times that the information on that doc is not only cherry picked by people who don't like me, but mostly cherry picked from my autistic meltdowns.

So not only is most of the things completely out of context: but it's also INCREDIBLY outdated. Meaning that everything in that doc becomes less and less viable evidence which each passing day because i do this neat thing called "maturing and learning from my mistakes to become a better person in general" , highly recommend, you should try it sometime!

What i'm saying is that you couldn't submit that as valid evidence in a court setting, or really any setting because it's quite bad and full of holes if you even moderately knew me personally!

Sure posting everything bad that i did in the history of ever makes me look deplorable, it can make EVERYTHING look deplorable. However, if you included all the good and neutral things i did when they happend between the bad things: you would realize that i was just a kid who liked being edgy but also liked making people happy and simply didn't pick up on or ignored context clues because of autism/ "it would be funny" respectively. Who knew that context changes everything?

I will say this: the experience was an aggressive wake up call to not only value the people i consider friends and the people i'd love to interact with by considering their feelings more and not to pressure them into doing things they don't wanna do. But to be a better person and to put the needs of others before my own (which kinda backfired since now i don't take care of myself as well and i constantly apologize for doing anything that doesn't directly benefit the other person which is very unhealthy since i need to re-teach myself basic self-love) but other than that, it helped me work on things i didn't know or thought i needed working on.

So despite the whole thing being mostly horribly morally dark grey and causing me great mental distress (to the point of developing really bad anxiety) and causing anybody that was somewhat involved with it also great mental distress to the point where people straight up left because it was incredibly stressful and ruined it for them. Not to mention the infighting and friends turning on each other and honestly the whole thing did nothing but make things more tense within the fandom it happend in. At least i, the person who was suppose to suffer the most, ended up being the only benefactor in this gross display of everyone else's character! How ironic....

But seriously, get a life.

[konpithepuppy]

[TRANSLATION: POTATO 04.2021]

7 MEN SAMURAI CROSS TALK + RECENT MEMO

Scans not mine

Neither an English nor a Japanese native speaker

Feel free to correct me, thanks

WHO IS NO. 1 IN TERMS OF ACTING ABILITY!?

For the purpose of checking out the acting ability of the 6 members, different patterns of "smile" were shown. At the end of a heated discussion in the round table discussion, a member who is good at telling lies was revealed!? (The interview was taken in the middle of February.)

Reia-kun is a professional in acting to deceive people

Yabana: This time's theme is "acting ability".

Sasaki: (in loud voice) WHAT!

Nakamura: No, he didn't mean "act here now" LOL. You run into the conversation too fast. Recently, for a project for YouTube, we did a prank on Bana-san (Yabana), right?

Motodaka: We did a cosplay where we shouldn't be recognized. During that time, I desperately covered everyone with my body so that everyone's disguise will not be caught by Bana-san's sight LOL. It was an acting where I used my whole body.

Konno: And us, who are being covered, were disguising ourselves with all our might. It was fun!

Sugeta: Rinne even changed his pants on the spot LOL.

Nakamura: Yabana, how suspicious were you at that time?

Yabana: I think [I got suspicious] when I saw Taiko's face laughing happily LOL. It's obviously that that is his face when he trick people. With that, Taiko's acting level is quite low.

Sasaki: That's what I also think LOL.

Nakamura: Speaking of YouTube, we always have a birthday surprise plans for the members, but for some reason, we didn't pull anything for Katsuki's and Konpi's (Konno) birthdays.

Konno: Yeah. Honestly, I thought, "Have they forgotten about my birthday?" and I got sad LOL.

Motodaka: I am not saying to prepare us 2 different surprises, but why did you not prepare anything?

Yabana: No, you don't know? Perhaps the reason why we are talking about this now might probably because we've got something for you too, you know?

Sugeta: Yeah, this might be a foreshadowing, you know?

Motodaka: There's definitely none LOL. Our birthdays passed a long time ago already. If you insist, Reia's birthday is coming soon, right? LOL

Yabana: When you make it look like there's a surprise but there's none at all is the saddest pattern of prank LOL.

Sasaki: Who might be in the 1st place in acting in private among us?

Yabana: It is probably Reia-kun. He often deceives people, he is an expert in acting!

Nakamura: I myself think so too LOL.

Sasaki: Didn't you fool HiHi Jets and Bi Shounen all along?

Nakamura: I did, but I can't remember what it is about. They are pure so they believed for around 2 years in the proper lie I said to them LOL.

Motodaka: Reia is good with acting in times like that. Me too in the past, he told me, "the staff are very mad" with a facial expression that looked real and I completely believed him.

Nakamura: Fufufu...if you look closely, I am doing the face saying, "I am lying." On the contrary, Taiko is usually bad when telling lies. His feelings are shown on his face immediately. It is easy to understand his face like "Is that an emoji!?"

Yabana: A speech bubble saying, "I am telling a lie now" is faintly coming out from him LOL. That's why when he talked at the beginning of my prank video, I noticed about it immediately.

Motodaka: Rinne is also easy to know if he is telling a lie, right?

Konno: His feelings totally show in his behavior.

Nakamura: Yeah, yeah. He is bad at acting lively especially when he is feeling down LOL. He obviously couldn't talk.

Yabana: It is like he is saying, "I am having a problem."

Sugeta: ...I agree with you LOL.

Sasaki: Konpi is also easy to understand, right? When he fools others, he will certainly look at my eyes and will grin.

Konno: I want to make the 2 of us the suspects LOL.

Nakamura: When Katsuki tricks people, his ears immediately turns very red LOL.

Yabana: His ears are a lie detector, right? It turns very red like it is going to explode.

Nakamura: If there is someone he likes, he will be exposed immediately. She will be like, "This person probably likes me. Since his ears are super red." LOL

Motodaka: What~ I don't like that. Somehow or other, I think it is something you can't falsify LOL.

Sasaki: On the contrary, Yabana is good with lies . He said he was interviewed in the street by chance for 「Getsuyou kara Yofukashi」recently, but that one is also an acting, right?

Nakamura: The truth is that he can't play intruments too, right?

Yabana: Hey, stop it! To the readers, what they just said are both lies, okay?! LOL Or rather, I have not deceived people or lied to anyone!

Everyone except Yabana: That's a lie~!

Nakamura: 7 MEN 侍's best actor is not me but Yabana-kun~.

Yabana: Stop~that~! LOL

Influenced by the acting coaching of Koichi-kun for the DREAM BOYS

Nakamura: I really like the performance of Taiko when he is on stage.

Yabana: I know. Well, he is in character, but suddenly his aura of being a stupid brat was gone and becomes a human being LOL.

Motodaka: Yeah, right. When he was on stage, he became able to speak good Japanese.

Sasaki: ...I hate you all! LOL

Yabana: I also like Rinne-kun's acting in「DREAM BOYS」. There's a scene that (Domoto) Koichi-kun enthusiastically coaches, and as the result of Rinne steadily absorbing the advices, Rinne is turning into Koichi-kun day by day LOL.

Sugeta: I think since he presented a really good example, so I was influenced naturally. I was thankful. Rinne likes Katsuki's acting in 「Nounai Poison Berry」.

Konno: Ah yes, that was a good one.

Everyone except Konno: You haven't seen that, right? LOL

Sugeta: Konpi has not seen any of the members' stage plays until now, right?

Konno: That's just a coincidence LOL. Because during the showing of 「Oretachi Oenya!!~」where Taiko and Rinne appeared, wasn't it exactly during our preparation for 「~The Happy Prince」?

Nakamura: If you say so LOL. Katsuki's acting and Konpi's acting in 「The Happy Prince」were also good.

Yabana: Yeah, right. Serious acting suited them. Also, Konpi's appearance when he sat on the chair and turned round and round LOL.

Konno: Thank you! I had put all of my acting into that scene LOL.

Sugeta: Bana-san tried different acting patterns in daily special corner of「DREAM BOYS」. I think that was really good!

Yabana: I change my hairstyle depending on the day. And then, I match my acting with my hairstyle like, "Today I will go for a mood that looks slightly weak," or "Today, I am in all back hairstyle so I will go for a character that seems strong," and I am changing my acting a little by little. I also changed my costume a little by little, for some reason, all the cast laughed at me on the day where I appeared in tank top...LOL.

Sugeta: Coz you are skin and bones LOL.

Konno: Yeah, right. You are so thin that you look pitiful LOL.

Sasaki: Reia. For me, Reia's acting on stage is also good of course, but I think his acting on television is overwhelmingly good. You do understand me, right?

Konno: Yup. That's exactly about the drama「Gekikaradou」(TV Tokyo) he is appearing in currently, right?

Motodaka: In a sense that he can do whatever he wants is very Reia. I think it is a great thing that he was able to properly reflect himself to his character.

Yabana: The "yey🎶" in that drama is also like Reia's humor, right?

Sasaki: Well, but the usual Reia that we see is close to his character in Dream Boys.

Yabana: We think, "When will we be get beaten?" so we are constantly scared of him.

Nakamura: You are kidding LOL.

Sasaki: Let me ask just in case, since you are moving towards dramas, it doesn't mean that you are throwing away stage plays, right? Please make this clear.

Nakamura: Of course! LOL. Don't say weird things, I want to challenge acting in stage plays from now on too!

Motodaka: Which reminds me, the stage play where Rinne is starring (「Hidamari no Ki」) is starting soon, right? It starts in March, right?

Sugeta: Yup, you're right. By the time this magazine issue comes out, the Tokyo performance have started already.

Nakamura: Doesn't that look super interesting? I also wanna watch it soon.

Motodaka: More than anything else, I am sincerely hoping that the play will start safely. This is what everyone who got an experience with stage play thinks.

Konno: Rinne is lucky so he will definitely be okay! I believe in that!

Sugeta: Even though you said that, you surely won't come and watch, right? LOL

Konno: No, I will go. I will watch you!

Sasaki: This one is an acting, absolutely LOL.

Konno: I am coming~ LOL.

RECENT MEMO

Sugeta Rinne:

I see off my younger sister, who is taking the national examination, at 6 this morning.I want her to do her best that she can use all the effort she exerted up to this day. Not only my sister, but Rinne and my younger brother also got a charm from our papa. Rinne's charm is a prayer for the success of the stage play.

Konno Taiki:

The selfie project in ISLAND TV is difficult. Every time the day I'm in charged gets closer, I become desperate. I already ran out of idea during the 2nd time we did it LOL. I want to take applications of the poses that the fans want us to do!

Yabana Rei:

When I met Tatsumi (Yudai)-kun by chance last January, he gave me a New Year's money. I was moved at how kind senpai he is. Someday, I also want to give New Year's money to my juniors and be respected LOL.

Sasaki Taiko:

I finally purchased a drum set. Since I do not know which one to buy, so the drummer who I am acquainted with and I admire came with me to the store. I am really thankful that he recommended me the items that match with my style of beating the drums!

Nakamura Reia:

I watched at home the movie「The Letters」where Yamada Takayuki-san is starring. I am glad that the story is very deep, and more than anything else, Yamada-san being immersed in his acting is so great that I was drawn into [the movie] the whole time!

Motodaka Katsuki:

I went fishing for the first time with my brother who is 4 years younger than me. My brother caught a large number of fishes that I can't imagine that it was his first time. The total amount of catch we had that day was 77 horse mackerels! It was so delicious when I made it into namerou (finely chopped fish with miso paste) that it disappeared in no time.

[atsstory]

Here Comes The Sun

Well! Felipe and I will be dining on Dalessandro’s patio this evening for our 18th (!!!) anniversary. And it seems that it will be a nice evening with no 25mph wind gusts as happened the last time we tried dining on a patio. I am in no way ready to dine inside a restaurant with the high number of cases and variants still out there. Especially as Tulsa’s mask mandate expires tomorrow so I imagine the indoors will be even more of a free-for-all than it already is. Nooooo thanks.

So, whilst the CDC has determined that you are pretty safe from the COVID outdoors, do not forget that the dreaded UVA/UVB rays are still out there waiting to ruin your skin! Now is about the time that I start using Skinceuticals C E Ferulic antioxidant serum under my sunscreen. It is pricey, but it allegedly can remain effective for up to 72 hours so I don’t use it every day unless I’m going to be out in the sun for a long period of time. A bottle therefore lasts until late fall/early winter and I buy again in late spring.

At the moment, I am auditioning the latest suitor attempting to topple my devotion to Elta MD tinted moisturizer SPF 40. The candidate is Supergoop! Glow Screen SPF 40. I've been wanting to try this for awhile and was hoping to get a sample or trial size. No such luck, so I finally got the full size. This product has more of a shimmer than a tint. I prefer (still) the Elta MD. It's much lighter and easier to apply. I would continue buying a smaller size of the Supergoop! to use for when I'm wearing makeup and going someplace where I might want a bit of shimmer. That place is not to work.

I also got the Glow Screen version for body, but I have not tried it yet. Will report back when I do. Overall, I really like the Supergoop! products. The Refresh Defense mist is fantastic if you're needing to reapply your sunscreen whilst wearing makeup. I'm also using the Bright Eyed mineral sunscreen SPF 40. With both these products, I've found you need to make sure all previous skincare steps have completely dried/absorbed or both the Glow Screen and the eye cream are hard to apply and blend. I think I prefer the old SG eye cream that didn't have any sort of tint - it doesn't seem to make me particularly bright eyed. I do like that it's mineral - it's definitely less irritating to my eyes.

So Elta MD still reigns supreme in the daily facial sunscreen wars. Because I am wearing a mask when not in my office at work, I've been using up all my random products from last summer's Sephora Sun Safety kit, the majority of which were not tinted. The SG Unseen Sunscreen was included - it has the consistency of a primer/pore minimizer (similar to Make Up Forever's primers). If you are a person who wears foundation every day, I think you would really like this product.

If you are new to my beauty universe, the products that I highly recommend and order over and over are the following:

Elta MD Daily Tinted Sunscreen SPF 40:

https://www.dermstore.com/product_UV+Daily+Tinted+BroadSpectrum+SPF+40_58357.htm

Aveda Exfoliant (I AM STILL PISSED THEY APPEAR TO HAVE DISCONTINUED THE 16.9 OZ SIZE):

https://www.aveda.com/product/17734/16417/skin-care/exfoliator/botanical-kinetics-exfoliant#/shade/5_fl_oz%2F150_ml

May Coop Raw Sauce (I also like the Raw Sheet sheet mask):

https://www.maycoopus.com/collections/best-seller/products/raw-sauce-150ml-hydrating-essence

Clinique Anti-Acne Spot Treatment:

https://www.clinique.com/product/1672/29793/skincare/acne/treatment-specialists/acne-solutionstm-clinical-clearing-gel?size=0.5_fl._oz._%2F_15_ml

As I Am Coconut Cowash:

https://asiamnaturally.com/collections/classic/products/coconut-cowash?variant=261852987410

Sunday Riley Good Genes:

https://sundayriley.com/products/good-genes-lactic-acid-treatment

Note: I am not an "influencer" and receive no compensation for anything I post here. I just do it out of the kindness of my heart. You're welcome!

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful