#so he thinks id do ok getting grilled by a pannel. idk i kinda wanna apply just to see how far id get into the process
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#god. ok. so i should really b reading papers rn but my lab mate called me needy today and it just keeps cycling in my head#like ive spent way too much time around him bc of field work and the thing abt me is that i just say whatever tf is in my brain so hes#basically been exposed to a scattershot of anxious thoughts in my head idk wtf he must think of me but today he said#the more i learn abt u the more i realize ur needy in these v specific ways#and i think it bothers me a lot bc needy isnt the right word. im not needy. i dont plead for help. im just a semi non functional person.#i just lay here not dealing with all these problems i have. but i generally try just make it my own problem. im just a bit pathetic like#that. do i need help? maybe but im not like needy. im just semi nonfunctional and rather compulsive and controling over myself. i live in a#world full of invisible walls as dictated by my stupid brain. but its all internal control i can put up with a lot as long as i have ctrl#over myself. its not especially healthy but it makes me pretty easy going i suppose. ugh! needy! he obviously hit a nerve how annoying#whatever im exhausted bc i had to b a scribe all day and i had a phd meeting this morning. the project sounds v cool and apparently im the#most qualified person to approach them so far but idk itll be v competitive and do i really want a uk phd? idk idk#at least this guy conducted it like an actual interview. i was like fuck finally some structure! and he said i talk well lol thanks dude#so he thinks id do ok getting grilled by a pannel. idk i kinda wanna apply just to see how far id get into the process#unrelated#i was also having harrowing nightmares last night abt climbing mt everest. at least i got 8hrs sleep lol fml i leave for sampling again#tomorrow afternoon. this is what i get for trying to have even a tiny bit of a social life rip
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