#so he just ends up looking indecisive and like he has no internal compass

[spectrum-color]

There was a post going around here a few weeks ago about the EF5 each having a dark Forsaken counterpart, which is a cool idea, but the one with the most obvious Forsaken parallel is actually a secondary character.

Gawyn and Demandred. A man who believes he’s destined for greatness but always ends up trailing behind Lews Therin/Rand al’Thor and grows incredibly bitter about it. This would have been more obvious I think if Robert Jordan had finished the books, as I doubt Gawyn would have had that weird moment where he suddenly becomes super self aware and introspective and gets over his issues with Rand without even speaking to him, but it is definitely there. It would at least give Gawyn something to do toward the climax of the series other than repeatedly fuck up on minor things and annoy Egwene. It would also make Demandred, a villain with a ton of potential who just kind of fizzled out and was only in the last book, more interesting (Justice 4 Taimandred!) So yeah this was def a thing and more should have been done with it.

[ohifonlyx33]

Sorry, I'm just thinking about how Agents of SHIELD set up the themes within their characters and gave them such rich characterization (even if they never had enough time to show us the long conversations and therapy sessions). Like overall, you just KNOW who that character is.

And the finale stayed true to that. And in a sense gave those core struggles some closure.

Coulson is an agent of mystery, and yet a seemingly average guy. He never was able to have a normal life, but he was given a family, particularly a daughter and a wife (Daisy and May). The show started with #CoulsonLives and, he died peacefully with the woman he loved. Only his memories and legacy still lives on in the form of an LMD. In a sense, he is both dead and alive.

With May you have a woman who wanted nothing more than to be a mother, but who was living in the guilt of having harmed a child on a mission. Here is a traumatized agent, who only comes out of inactive duty to help Coulson. To protect him. But she becomes a mother to Daisy, and later Robin and Flint. She takes care of the whole team. And when her duty is done, she can rest again. This time, content and absolved. Not hiding, but truly retired from active duty because she completed her mission.

With Daisy you have Belonging & Becoming. She never had a family. She didn't know her self-identity. She believed she was a weapon and a curse, but people showed her that they cared for her. The team became her family. She found a family, and she knew who she was even without them... so that in the end she was able to go off and start a new family as children must do.

Then there's Jemma, a sweet and brilliant and curious young mind turned toward helping others and trying to study them. Jemma always had problems processing and expressing her emotions which resulted in repression, internalized responsibility (which turns to guilt), compartmentalization, hyper-vigilance, and over-rationalization of everything. She went through so many traumas and had to learn how to not only have courage and be resilient but how to have compassion, how to let herself be vulnerable, how to let go of guilt, how to be open. In the last season she starts losing her memories, but they come flooding back to the surface along with all those emotions--love and pain and motherhood and family and all her grief and joy is no longer repressed.

And here with Fitz... his story deals primarily with his identity as a genius boy, but it becomes a story about free will and choosing goodness and not letting yourself be programmed by the mistakes you make or the people who hurt you... and in the end he doesn't find his peace and self-worth in being a heroic agent, but in being a loving husband and father. His story is about self-image and forgiveness and staying kind. And he becomes the kind of father Alya deserves. A father who stays, a husband who lives, a man who has made himself a sacrifice so many times at last gets a reward.

You have Mack, the gentle giant, the team mechanic, who is really a simple guy. He starts off hating violence, but he also realizes he has to fight sometimes, in order to protect people. Losing his daughter when he was younger made him a more cautious individual. Finally he used his grief and his own faith in God to bring Hope to others. He became a leader in his own right, learning not to be paralyzed by indecision or fear.

And Elena, she never slowed down or looked back or questioned herself because she couldn't let herself. But she always ended up back where she started, getting nowhere. She learned she needs to wait for others, take time for herself to be still, and think through her actions. She almost lost her faith because she was running from God and her inner self, but in the end, she slowed down, remembered the beautiful power of grace, and started truly running the race.

[typicalher]

An Analysis of Will's Moral Conflict

One of the key struggles for Will throughout the show concerns his reluctance to fully embrace his darkness. I completely acknowledge that this is a struggle that he deals with throughout, but the reasons for this struggle are more complicated than him simply having too strong of a good moral compass. When you actually look carefully at Will’s pattern of behavior, what you see is that Will’s moral struggle is really more about what he thinks he should feel or possibly even what he thinks he should want to feel. It is often argued that Will struggles with his internal conflict because he also wants justice or to stop Hannibal (and himself) from killing or hurting people. If Will is fighting his darker urges because he wants to protect people then that would be valid, but this is usually not the case when you actually look at his actions and the fallout. Will’s struggles don’t actually protect anyone (in fact his indecisiveness usually leads to tragic consequences) and when others do get hurt, he doesn’t actually react with genuine guilt or even make true changes to his behavior for the better.

In the beginning of the series, we do know that Will has a desire to be normal and because he isn’t he largely hides from social interaction. At first he is also not interested in socializing or even talking with Hannibal, but once Hannibal gets him to confess to enjoying killing Hobbs and then offers him acceptance at this confession, we see Will become much more comfortable having serious and personal conversations with him. Will enjoys the acceptance that Hannibal is offering him despite admitting to enjoying taking a life. Will is still very reluctant to admit this to anyone else; however, so he does recognize that it isn’t a normal feeling for him to have despite Hannibal’s lack of judgement (and even encouragement). He tells Abigail that killing her father was the “ugliest feeling in the world,” which we know is a lie and near the end of S1 he later confesses the truth about how he felt to her.

S2 is where we really get to see Will’s struggle begin though because it is during S2 that he is much more “awake” so to speak and he actually starts actively embracing more of his darker urges and recognizing them for what they are. He is angry at Hannibal because of Abigail’s death and the betrayal of lying about his illness and framing him, as well as the death of Beverly, which eventually leads to Will sending Matthew Brown to kill him. Will does not appear to feel any regret for this attempt at murder by proxy, or the fact that he was sending someone else off to potentially be sacrificed for this cause, and when Hannibal frees him from prison shortly afterwards, he also begins to understand some of Hannibal’s motivations for his S1 actions. However, he still starts off on a plan to get revenge and presumably attempt to bring Hannibal to justice. This brings us to the question of why is Will really doing all of this. Jack certainly seems to think it is for justice, but we eventually see that Will is lying throughout the “investigation.” Will was, for instance, supposed to manipulate Hannibal into trying to kill Mason but arrest him in the act. At least that is what Will tells Jack. However, Will also doesn’t tell Jack anything about his personal connection to the Mason Verger plot and what happened to Margot. He also manipulates Mason against Hannibal, but in the end he frees Hannibal allowing him to kill his way out of Muskrat Farm. He also just ends up watching Hannibal snap Mason’s neck and doesn’t tell Jack anything about what actually happened, which is why they have to resort to the planned entrapment dinner. Based on his actions and not just on what Jack believes are his intentions, there isn’t really any indication that Will’s motivations are anything but personal. He is upset by Hannibal’s actions in S1, but he is mostly still upset about what happened to Abigail. He brings her death up to Freddie twice and questions Hannibal directly about it. Even before the rest of the FBI closes in and Will is forced to make a choice, he burns Hannibal’s psychiatric notes about him. The file even contains the real clock that Will drew when he was ill. Will burns it willingly when he could have attempted to keep it. Hannibal doesn’t seem concerned at all that Will has it in his hands. Why does he destroy valuable evidence if he wants justice? In the end, Will disregards even Abigail’s death when he calls Hannibal to warn him. Even if Will wasn’t planning to run with Hannibal when he got to the house (though we know he at least wanted to based on his later confession to Jack) he wanted Hannibal to leave. He wanted him to go free. This wasn’t about justice. It was about what had personally happened between the two of them and he was apparently okay with Hannibal leaving and going to potentially kill other people somewhere else. Later when Will is in the hospital and Chilton tells him this is his best possible world, Will imagines if he had killed Jack with Hannibal that night, which shows us that Will’s regrets over Mizumono aren’t that he failed to stop Hannibal and bring him to justice but that he didn’t commit to Hannibal sooner and that they didn’t get to go through with killing Jack together.

When we get to S3, Will’s conflict eventually shifts away from being about what Hannibal has done to hurt him and more about Will’s so called morality. This is where Will starts to get a bit more difficult to follow in terms of motivation because Will is pretty hypocritical about all of it. At the beginning of the season, Will is mourning the loss of the family that he, Hannibal, and Abigail could have been together. He is worried that Hannibal may just be playing with him, but he also wants to go to Hannibal. This is explicitly stated more than once when he talks to “Abigail” who is really just a representation of his own thoughts. At the end of the episode, he forgives Hannibal, and I think this is where we start to get a bit of a shift in Will’s conflict. Will goes to Hannibal’s childhood home, which is where he encounters Chiyoh. Will now sees someone Hannibal has “tested” and seemingly has left behind. Will was already worried in Primavera that Hannibal was simply playing with him, but now he sees someone that Hannibal was able to walk away from and he likely becomes concerned that Hannibal sees him the same way. Afterall, Hannibal gutted him and walked away and Will only has the broken heart as a sign that Hannibal hasn’t just moved on. What if Hannibal was just mocking him? Will’s insecurities are somewhat understandable here. What is telling though is how Will treats what he should logically see as another of Hannibal’s “victims.” He treats Chiyoh in a very Hannibal-like manner. He tests her to see if she will kill and she does in self-defense. While he does take the prisoner away from the castle initially, when Chiyoh screams, we get a shot of Will off in the woods. His reaction is stone cold and there is no surprise at all on his face, so he must have expected the prisoner to come back after her. Chiyoh also makes sure to call him out on his real intentions. Later when they are riding the train together, he still shows no remorse for what he did to her, and instead rather coldly questions her about taking a life. He asks her if she sees herself killing the prisoner over and over and she replies no that she sees him and his response is just to grin at her as if he enjoys the thought of what he has made her do. Later in the same episode, she states that he feels like he needs to kill Hannibal or he will become him and Will says yes. It is here that the story somewhat shifts from Will possibly wanting to go be with Hannibal again to feeling like now he needs to kill Hannibal in order to “save himself” from Becoming like him. What changed? I think Chiyoh and thinking Hannibal just saw her as disposable is part of it, but I think the fact that he was able to really forgive Hannibal for what happened between them before and Abigail is also apart of it. If Will can forgive Hannibal for killing their daughter and gutting him and still wants to go to him, what does that say about Will himself and the type of person he is? This isn’t the way normal people love. I think this realization, combined with the fear that Hannibal doesn’t really care about him, causes Will to get a bit spooked and regress in his own self-acceptance a bit. Seeing Bedelia and realizing she took his place also helped solidify this belief on his part.

However, lets look a little more closely at Will’s apparent motivation and the belief he needs to kill Hannibal for this reason. Is it to bring him to justice? Is it to stop Hannibal from killing others? No, it is all about Will and his attempts to possibly control his own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Keep in mind that at this point, Hannibal has left Will alone for eight months. He did leave the broken heart, but Will had to travel across the ocean to see that. Will is going after Hannibal; Hannibal is not going to Will. The idea that Will must kill Hannibal to stop his own dark desires is pretty illogical on Will’s part, and Chiyoh tries to point out to him that there are flaws in his thinking because she follows up by telling him there are means of influence other than violence, but this is also where Will really starts twisting himself up in knots to lie to himself. (For the record, I do think there is more to Will’s motivations than just wanting to kill Hannibal just like there was much more to Hannibal’s attempt at the head sawing. For one, I think they are both afraid of being the vulnerable one in the relationship because at this point in their relationship, there is a lot of violence, physical and emotional, between them. I also doubt Will would have gone through with it. He pulled a tiny knife in the middle of a public street and Will has never before or after this, been able to actually go through with killing Hannibal or letting anyone else do it, but I digress.) It should also be noted that Will didn’t go to Italy in the first place to attempt to bring Hannibal to justice. He goes to Italy to deal with his feelings for Hannibal just like he “resumed therapy” to deal with his feelings for Hannibal. We can see proof of this in his interaction with Pazzi who wants his help as an officer of the law to find Hannibal, and Will not only isn’t interested in really helping him, he starts to deliberately act creepy around him including taunting him by asking him if he knows whose side he is really on. When Will meets up with Jack later, even though he goes with him to the apartment where they find Bedelia, Will also slips out by himself and doesn’t tell Jack he knows where to find Hannibal, so again he sees finding Hannibal as something personal and not a matter of law enforcement.

Then we arrive at the Digestivo break up. Will is clearly exhausted during this episode. He does bite Cordell’s cheek and look to Hannibal for approval and help talk Alana into freeing them, but you can tell he is tired. This is when he tells Hannibal to leave and he doesn’t want to know where he is. Let’s break this action down. There are two valid interpretations to this: Will deliberately manipulated Hannibal into surrendering (which he later claims) or Will thought Hannibal would really leave and was surprised that Hannibal turned himself in. If Will did deliberately manipulate Hannibal into turning himself in, we can say from his later actions that he was essentially keeping Hannibal on the hook until Will was ready to return to him. Will is giving himself a break from the drama that is their relationship and giving himself some space (even though Will was the one to seek out Hannibal again and not the other way around). If Will didn’t manipulate him on purpose then Will once again is apparently fine with Hannibal leaving and killing other people. The implication then is that it would apparently be okay as long as Hannibal wasn’t killing people he knew and Will wasn’t tempted to give in to his own dark urges by being around Hannibal. Hannibal killing only seems to be an issue for Will when he is personally connected to it, and even then only to a point. The only one of Hannibal’s victims he really seems to care about is Abigail (who he forgave Hannibal for) and Beverly for a short period of time before he seemingly forgot about her entirely (and this is arguably Will being angry at Hannibal taking something else away from him. Will tends to get upset when he believes this is what Hannibal is doing. We see it with Abigail, Margot’s baby, and later when he accuses Hannibal of this concerning Molly and Walter during his conversation with Bedelia.) We can also see the way Will treats one of Hannibal’s surviving victims, Alana. Alana is manipulated by Hannibal, and unlike Will himself, is considered disposable. Alana actually does try to stop Hannibal by pulling the trigger and attempting to shoot him, but she fails. She is a victim of Hannibal’s manipulations and suffers a serious injury and almost dies because of Hannibal. And how does Will treat her? He doesn’t even want her around him. He would rather pine for Hannibal and Abigail in Hannibal’s kitchen than even talk to her. They could have come together to bond over their trauma, but instead he rejects her entirely and tells her to leave him alone. He doesn’t even have a logical reason to be so put off by her in their scene in the kitchen.

We then arrive at the Red Dragon arc where Will’s “moral conflict” reaches its most hypocritical levels. First, we have how he treats Bedelia. Will is blatantly jealous, but even setting aside his hatred of her as a potential rival, his attitude towards her is outrageously hypocritical. He was upset no one would believe him about Hannibal in the first half of S2, but he never even gives her story the benefit of the doubt for a second (even openly mocking her with his “I don’t believe you.”) He also tells her she would deserve to be eaten by Hannibal and later threatens her again in TWOTL. This is the man who tried to shoot someone in cold blood, mutilated a corpse, set someone up to kill and mutilated another corpse, and tried to help Hannibal escape at least once. Will has done more criminal acts and gotten away with them than Bedelia is even capable of doing in the first place. Remember when Will was going to be arrested for killing and mutilating Randall Tier? Apparently Will just got away with that completely once the FBI was distracted by Hannibal being the real Ripper. Bedelia has nothing on Will.

We also have Will’s family, which is often used as an example of Will trying to be a good man and resist his darkness, but let’s look at how this is presented. Parallels are actually drawn between Will choosing his family and how Dolarhyde chooses his victims. Hannibal points out that Dolarhyde is like Will and “needs a family to escape what is inside of him.” When Hannibal tells him he picked a readymade family “to serve his needs” because he knows better than to breed, Will is called out for basically having a beard family (in more than one way). It is worth noting that Will does not even try to argue with Hannibal about this, which is basically accepting the truth of the statement. Will doesn’t have a problem with calling Hannibal out when he feels he deserves it. What we are shown of Will’s relationship with Molly is also quite shallow. We have no reason to believe he has been honest about himself with her. She believes he is motivated by wanting to save lives, but as we have seen he is fine putting people in danger and doesn’t seem to care about Hannibal killing people he doesn’t care about. She also jokes about his criminal mind and he shuts the conversation down. There has been discussion about whether or not Will was purposely putting Molly and Walter in danger. I don’t think he did this consciously, but I do believe he was very selfish to use them for a “normal” life while he is essentially keeping Hannibal waiting in prison. It is also very odd that Will is supposed to be so good at reading killers, but he “doesn’t” pick up on the obvious hints Hannibal gives him about Dolarhyde coming after Molly and Walter next. By involving them, and not being honest with them, he at least was pulling them into a world they weren’t prepared for. We also never see them again after they are attacked. Will mainly seems upset that Hannibal tried to take something away from him again since that has been an issue for Will throughout their relationship and even in the scene where he confronts Hannibal about it he doesn’t even stay angry for the entire scene. (Also, the accusation that Hannibal gave Will three years to build a family just so he could take them away is pretty bizarre logic as well. Hannibal didn’t know what Will was going to do while he was in prison.) If Will actually wanted to be with them though, it is odd that this was enough to destroy the relationship. As if he wanted to live in an illusion and once the illusion is shattered he has no need for it. Some argue that Will’s motivations are to protect Molly and Walter in the finale, but if that is the case why do we never see them again? Molly is only brought up in the finale as a way for Will to try and hurt Hannibal. If Will truly cared beyond the destruction of his attempt at a normal life, then why do we not get more of a real moment between Will and Molly after the hospital scene? Instead, Will is back to focusing on the personal conflict of he and Hannibal’s relationship and the new confirmation that Hannibal is in love with him and what he feels in return and what he is going to do about it. In fact, Will was the one who decided to involve Hannibal in the case before it was even necessary. If Will believes Hannibal is so dangerous for himself and the world at large, why doesn’t he leave Hannibal to rot alone in his cell until it is absolutely necessary to interact with him? Bedelia calls him out for just missing Hannibal and wanting to see him, but you also have to wonder if Will wants to give Hannibal the chance to act in some way and get involved. Hannibal didn’t even need to know Will had a family at all for the purposes of this case, so Will agreeing with Bedelia that Hannibal was going to let Will have something knowing he could take it away is odd. The whole situation is another example of Will coming to Hannibal instead of Hannibal coming to Will. Will had to want Hannibal involved.

We then come to Chilton and Will’s role in what happens to him. Will does appear upset at seeing what happened to Chilton in the FBI office, but when we cut to him with Bedelia, the one he can be more honest with, we see a very different side of him, and when she asks if he wants to talk about it he responds with “the divine punishment of a sinner mirrors the sin being punished” and “Damned if I’ll feel.”  When she asks if he has to wonder if he put Chilton at risk he says no and with a cocky eyebrow raise, he responds to her asking if she expected this to happen to Chilton by saying “I can’t say I’m surprised.” We aren’t seeing any real remorse here and after imagining himself lighting the match that burned Chilton, he easily lies to Jack in the next scene and blames it all on Hannibal, which is a deliberate attempt on his part to deflect the blame he was just taking responsibility for with Bedelia.

Will’s actions in The Wrath of the Lamb are ambiguous to a point, and there are multiple interpretations of what his intentions were. What we can say for certain is that Will lies to Jack and acts like he didn’t know Dolarhyde was alive until after the rest of them learn that news as well. He never reveals that he has already put a plot into motion involving Dolarhyde. So what is Will’s motivation? There are different options. None of them actually make Will look good or heroic at all. One interpretation is that Will has decided that too many lines have been crossed by himself and he needs to put an end to it, so he is going to have Dolarhyde kill Hannibal. If this is Will’s motivation, then it means that Will is essentially blaming giving in to his own darkness on Hannibal simply existing. Hannibal is in a cell and while he did find a way to be something of a danger thanks to Dolarhyde, that avenue is now cut off to him. It doesn’t make logical sense for Will to decide to use another serial killer to kill Hannibal because Will has given into his darkness enough to now be willing to do things like set up Chilton and not feel bad about it. If this is Will’s genuine plan, it also means he is willing to lie to Jack and the others and put many people in danger for his own personal issues. The officers escorting them are killed, and it can be easily assumed that Will helped Dolarhyde know where they would be (how else did he find out?) so that it would just be Will and Hannibal against Dolarhyde alone, which was not Jack’s plan at all. Even if Will didn’t intend for the police officers to die, he was deliberately endangering others with his plan and they die because of his manipulations. Will also shows no remorse over this (he even steals a gun off of a corpse) even though it is a much worse act than killing a family annihilator with Hannibal. If Will’s moral conflict doesn’t include caring about the lives of innocent officers, what exactly is he trying to stop himself from Becoming and how will Hannibal being dead help? The most “heroic” take on Will’s plan is that he wanted to put an end to Dolarhyde and Hannibal (and possibly himself) to end all the evil and maybe stop himself from becoming a killer. However, Will’s plan involves lying to Jack, manipulating people, and getting innocent bystanders killed. This isn’t logical and if this was Will’s conscious plan he is a hypocrite who is more concerned with saving a perception of himself that he believes should exist than actually being a hero. If Will really wanted to put an end to things, he could also have helped Jack find Dolarhyde and then turn himself in for his own crimes or had himself committed to protect others from himself. Will instead picks the most reckless and dangerous plan he could. Even his attempt at ending both he and Hannibal isn’t a full commitment to the act. There was still a gun available. He could have put a bullet in Hannibal’s brain when he was vulnerable and then ended himself. Instead, Will pushes them off a cliff that Hannibal already told him had an eroding bluff. He is leaving it up to chance, likely because he doesn’t really want to die, but he believes dying is what he should want to do. Keep in mind, this last push isn’t motivated by the fact that his plotting led to the death of several innocent people. He is motivated to do this because of how Good and Right it feels killing with Hannibal.

For the record, I believe that Will really wanted to free Hannibal and kill with him. I do think it is very possible that Will told himself his motivations were what I outlined above, but because those motivations are so illogical, I believe this was just his excuse to create a situation where he and Hannibal had to fight and kill Dolarhyde alone together because what he really wanted was that experience (after all, he tells Bedelia his plan and threatens her with Hannibal coming after her, which doesn’t make sense if he really plans for them to all be dead). However, if the above were his motivations, and Will truly wanted to let Dolarhyde kill Hannibal for him right up until the moment he couldn’t actually let it happen, then Will is someone who is willing to blame someone else for his own actions, unnecessarily endanger bystanders to “save” himself, and then attempt to use someone else for murder by proxy (again). None of that is heroic and none of that demonstrates that Will is driven by a genuine attempt to be moral. It is a surface level morality that doesn’t add up to much at all.

Even the narrative tends to tell Will that his fight to preserve his “morality” is dangerous to others. The more Will fights, the more indecisiveness he shows, the more he gets other people hurt. His insistence that he just kept lying to Hannibal (as he tells himself in Primavera) helped lead to the tragedy of Mizumono. While Hannibal is responsible for his own actions, Will is also responsible for the part he plays and his inability to pick a side until it was too late (and even then in a way ambiguous enough that Hannibal did not seem to get the message.) When Will is unsure of himself and gives into his impulses without being sure of what he wants, we end up with situations like Chilton and the unnecessary deaths in TWOTL. Will’s moral conflict never actually leads to anything good in the show, and a lot of the negative consequences are caused by Will’s inability to seemingly be honest even with himself. Will’s moral conflict is something he does struggle with, but ultimately it does not lead to him actually changing for the better or showing genuine remorse for his actions. His conflict only leads to him being more reckless and endangering even more people. It is a false conflict that is based on Will believing he should be a certain way because of society’s expectations (and it is in this that the closeted subtext makes the most sense) rather than real guilt or a desire to be good for its own sake. I do hope and believe that surviving the Fall was what Will needed to finally let go of these issues so that he can finally be happy with himself and Hannibal.

[teiranlavellan]

Compassion and the Lady of Iron

Thank you @honestly-wilde​ for the prompt!

(Talesfromthefade): “Cole trying to help Vivienne, for the DWC?”

@dadrunkwriting​

Madam Vivienne de Fer stared into the darkness of the canvas tent she shared with three other people in the middle of the forest wilderness.  She had waited, her eyes closed and her hands folded—still visually striking even when in repose—until she heard the semi-silence of sleep from the three tents that housed the Inquisition’s Inner Circle.  She had chosen this tent of her three options because it lacked Blackwall’s stench and Bull’s tendency to take up most of the available space.  Now she listened for the signs that she was relatively alone; the only moments of solitude when traveling with nine companions: Sera’s sleep-mumbling at a predicable broken pace, Teiran’s still-asleep flip from one side to the other and Cassandra’s snore.  She listened to the nocturnal silence outside their tent, the crackle of their ember-filled fire pit being punctuated by various snores and deep breathing. Vivienne was safe.  She could scrub away the invisible mask she always wore.

Fingers running along her soft skin, Vivienne’s façade began to crack and pull away. Bastien’s death had been two weeks ago, but with so much to do at Skyhold, she had made herself believe it didn’t hurt that much.  Not really.  The many threads to pull, cut and tangle amongst the visiting nobles and long-distance contact with Val Royeaux had been a suitable distraction.  But ever since they had left the safety of those ancient, stone walls, Vivienne had felt the bubble of grief begin push its way from beneath the surface.  If she didn’t allow herself some leeway, it would burst at an inopportune time.  So, Madam de Fer had counted on this moment of privacy.

She wept beneath her hands, silently and without a single sob escaping her beautiful lips.  Her heart overflowing with loss, every sentiment she had pushed down and denied leaking through her mute cries.

A voice that wasn’t hers but perfectly mimicking the timbre of her own voice whispered near her head, “Bastien . . . Bastien, how dare you leave me.  How dare you die—It’s alright Vivienne.  I can hel—”

Caught in her moment of vulnerability and sensing a demon in their midst, a stray thought of “Am I in the Fade?” passed through Vivienne’s mind before the blow. Lightening arcing from her palm, she struck above her with the speed and grace of a snake.  Throwing her bedroll aside, Vivienne twisted away from the demon and stood, tears fresh on her face and her finely shaved head brushing the top of the tent’s canvas and pole.

Two screams registered on Vivienne’s right, one following the other.  The mage glanced over and froze in shock.  Sera was hysterical, jumping around like a rabbit caught in a snare.  Teiran’s back was to the enchanter, but the gleam of steel and a knife’s handle protruded grotesquely from the elf’s side.  The horror on Cassandra’s face and the blood on the Seeker’s hands as she held the Inquisitor in place made Vivienne feel as if she had been the one struck by lightning.

Alarmed exclamations and the sound of sleepy confusion outside the tent reached Cassandra’s perception.  The warrior had been plunged headfirst into a crisis, but this wasn’t the first time. She tried to remain calm as the blood pooled around her hand on Teiran’s side, but Sera’s hysterics were jarring her half-asleep mind and the smell of ozone and blood permeated the small space. Looking for aid, Cassandra glanced up at Vivienne, but the enchanter was uncharacteristically frozen in shock and, even more unusual, in tears.  The tent was sliced open as one of Bull’s horns pierced the fabric and then his two meaty, gray hands grabbed and pulled at the wide slash.  The tent fell slack and enveloped them for a brief moment before being flipped off by many hands.  When the fresh night air hit her, Cassandra saw them all stop and stare at the scene lit by Solas’ veil fire.

Solas, clad only in a pair of long pants, was the first to move: a single, hesitant step halfway between the smoldering heap that was Cole and the gasping, bloody mess that was Teiran.  Solas’ face was lined with indecision and reeling with the possibilities; calculating that he could save them both on his own, in this instant if he showed his true capabilities.  His imagination worked out the consequences of his dilemma: either he saved them both right now or risked losing the one he didn’t personally attend to.  However, saving both simultaneously would raise too many questions and then he might lose her in the end.  But could he live with himself if he lost the precious spirit of Compassion to this world of his own creation?  Could he live with himself if he lost the Anchor too?  Solas’ mind railed against his heart, “What was most important to him?”

The eye of the storm, Cassandra took control of the situation.  Drawn by the movement of Solas’ step and seeing the intense swirl of emotions in the typically composed elf, Cassandra decided how best to delegate the healers, “Solas!  Help Cole.” Cassandra moved along the line of faces until she landed on the handsome Tevinter, “Dorian. Help me with her.”

Solas hesitated only for a moment, hovering between mutiny and affront at the decision being made for him, before lithely fade-stepping over to the still-sparking Cole. Checking the spirit for breath, Solas infused as much power behind the healing spell as he dared.

“What happened?” Dorian spat out, yelling over Sera’s string of nearly-incoherent profanities.  

Dorian, wearing a sleeveless robe with a fabric belt, navigated the folds of canvas hiding the contents of the tent until he stepped upon them almost losing his balance in the cramped space.

“Worry about that later.  Vivienne!” Cassandra rounded on the frozen mage in the outline of what was moments before their tent, “Help Dorian.”

Feeling Teiran convulse under her hand, Cassandra braced her.  Dorian kneeled behind the elf.  Teiran coughed blood, her lungs spasming from the puncture of Sera’s knife.

“Ma’am?”  Bull asked cautiously, his eye darting between Dorian and Vivienne.  “Can you walk, ma’am?”

With a swipe of her hand, Vivienne replaced her mask, “Of course dear.”  She held the slit hem of her low-cut dress as she stepped around Sera and sat down beside Dorian, who was muttering agitatedly to himself.  

“No.”  Came the hollow but nonetheless powerful sound emitting from Solas.  He took a step away from Cole and fixed his distant gaze on Vivienne as if he meant to remove her physically from Teiran’s side.  His healing magic was still swirling between his outstretched hand and Cole.  Cole twitched, slowly fading back to consciousness. Solas’ distant gaze, still seeing Cole’s injuries, fell on Cassandra, “Look at what she has done.  We cannot trust her.”

Cassandra looked between Vivienne, Teiran and Solas, then she took hold of the handle of the knife. “Solas, you have enough to deal with healing Cole on your own.  We cannot lose the Inquisitor.  We will deal with that after the danger has passed.”  She turned to Dorian and Vivienne, “Ready.  Now!”  She pulled the dagger free and let it clatter to the ground.  The blood pooled quickly and Teiran slumped unconscious in Cassandra’s arms.  Cassandra, bearing the elf’s weight, gently lowered her on her back.  Dorian and Vivienne followed the body, eyes glazed and green-hued magic swirling and mending.

Solas bared his teeth in frustration, watching the Enchanter closely.  He monitored the internal and external damage being repaired by Dorian and Vivienne from Cole’s side of the tent.  Cole revived under Solas’ hands and took his first shaky breath since being struck.  Solas refocused exclusively on his own patient, sending soothing thoughts and magic to the spirit who was now experiencing a previously unknown facet of having a body: physical pain that cannot be waylaid by will or intent.  Solas reviewed his own first experience in this realm and tried to decide how best to heal Cole’s mind as well as body.

All this time, Sera had continued to stare at the knife, rocking back and forth with her arms wrapped tightly around her knees.  Blackwall stepped up and over to the distraught elf, tucking her under his shoulder, leading her out of the destroyed tent and towards the fire that Varric was building up again.  

Blackwall positioned Sera near the fire.  “This is bad. Bad.  Bad.  Shite. Piss-balls.  I’ve killed her.  I’ve killed Quizzy.” Sera yelled sporadically, sitting on the ground in her underwear.  

Varric sighed heavily at the thought of getting anything out of Buttercup.  Instead the dwarf let Blackwall take over rebuilding the fire and he rejoined the group gathered around the sundered tent.

Seeing Cole’s eyes open and staring, Varric approached and sat opposite Solas, “Kid? Can you hear me, Kid?”

“I still don’t understand.  No matter how I pull at it, the pain won’t go away.”  Cole muttered softly, staring into the stars above rather than looking at either the elf nor the dwarf beside him.

The lines of concentration on Solas’ face deepened, trying to communicate and heal the spirit simultaneously and quickly.

“It’s not that kinda pain, Kid.  You just gotta wait for your body to heal.  But don’t worry, I’ve seen Solas do this before.  It’ll be alright.”  Varric reassured Cole with a hand on the boy’s shoulder.

The sound of glass clinking together announced the return of the Iron Bull.  The Qunari pushed a healing potion into Varric’s hand and then held a blue bottle of lyrium out to Solas.

Eyes still glazed, Solas shook his head, “Give it to Dorian please.  I am almost finished here.”  Solas reached over and grabbed Cassandra’s blanket, throwing it over Cole with an efficient grace. Varric slowly tucked the blanket under Cole’s sides and feet while Solas continued healing the last of Cole’s charred flesh.

Taking a few steps to the right, the Iron Bull kneeled beside Dorian and put a hand on his arm, “Here. Drink this.”

Dorian’s glazed eyes roamed over the uncapped lyrium potion, then one of his bloody hands reached for it.  The mage downed it in three long gulps then returned the blood-smeared vial to Bull. His mustache twitched with the sudden burst of magical energy and his magic took on a more turquoise shade of green as it continued to swirl around the Dalish elf.  Bull handed a red healing potion to Cassandra, who accepted it without taking her eyes off of Teiran’s slack face.  Then Bull stood and came to kneel before Vivienne, offering her a blue vial.

“I have no need of it.  Thank you darling.”  Vivienne refused graciously, never taking her glazed gaze away from the tree line beyond Cassandra’s shoulder.  

Bull grunted and then left the healers to replace the vials in their respective stashes.  Still looking for something to do, Bull pulled the ripped tent completely free of its supports and dragged it over to the newly revived campfire Blackwall had made.  Seeing the rigidity of stress in both Blackwall and Sera, he offered them a thick needle and thread.  Blackwall accepted with a nod, rolling up the sleeves of his shapeless, long nightshirt and the two men began stitching the hole in the tent.  Sera didn’t even look up, her forehead still on her knees.

“Cole?  Can you stand?”  Solas asked, his magic dissipating and his task complete.

           “I can.”  Cole said in his own voice before switching to an imitation of Solas’ voice, “I would see you safe, but I must . . . I need to. . . I need to. . .”  Cole blinked at Solas, “Where did you go?”

           Solas pulled Cole slowly to his feet, then supported his weight under the boy’s shoulder.  Varric lead the way back to the tent he and Cole shared with Iron Bull, holding the tent flap open and then stepping back inside the tent.  Solas tucked Compassion into his bedroll then turned to Varric, “Will you—”

           “I got this Chuckles.  Go help them.”  Varric replaced Solas by Cole’s side.  “Alright Kid, now this is going to taste awful.  But you need to drink it, alright?”  The dwarf said as he uncorked the healing potion.  Solas left them and returned to the other healers, appearing at Cassandra’s side in moments.

           Cassandra started at the elf suddenly next to her, but relaxed when she realized it was just the apostate.  She watched Solas add his healing magic to the other two and marveled at his magical stamina.

           Teiran’s eyes flew open and she struggled to breathe fully, her body shaking and convulsing.  Cassandra and Vivienne held Teiran’s shoulders against the ground in an attempt to keep her body still while the last bits of organ and flesh were healed.

           Solas’ soothing voice broke through Teiran’s sudden distress of consciousness with the calming and foreign sound of Ancient Elven mixing seamlessly with Elven, “You will be able to breathe in a moment.  Lie still and take shallow breaths.”  he instructed, trying to calm her and focus her mind on the challenge of the new language rather than the physical pain.

           Teiran bit her lip and scrunched her face against the pain, trying to block it out and understand what was being said to her but her oxygen-deprived brain swam without focus.

Cassandra gripped Teiran’s shoulder, but it was no longer necessary.  Teiran stayed still of her own will.  The Seeker and turned to Solas, “What was that?”

Ignoring the question, Solas repeated himself with a new mixture of the two elven languages, trying to remember which phrases and words he had already taught Teiran and which ones she would struggle to understand.

Teiran’s breathing came easier as the three mages finally completed their work on her lung and her nearby organs.  Dorian sat back with an exhausted sigh, leaving the other two to do the relatively easy work of stitching the remaining flesh.  When it was done, Vivienne sat back on her heels and narrowed her eyes at the blood soaking her high-collared and embroidered night gown.  With a flick of her hand, she stood and used the dregs of her magical supply to force the liquid from her dress and into the nearby grass.

Solas’ magic still flickered through his grip on Teiran’s left forearm, the Anchor sputtering in response as Solas searched for any flaw in the elf’s healed body.  Once satisfied, he released his grip and turned his lethal gaze on Vivienne, who folded her arms against his condemnation and waited patiently for Teiran to rise.

Palms pressed flat against the tent’s ground cover, Teiran focused on taking deep breaths until the pain in her head cleared and she could feel blood pumping through her limbs. Teiran pulled herself up to her elbows then Cassandra steadied her and pushed the healing potion between her lips. After draining the vial, Teiran felt the rush of vigor and turned to look at each of the faces around her.  Then she ran her hands along her bloody and torn sleeveless tunic and felt the drying pool of blood under her soaked capri-length pants. Dazedly, Teiran asked Cassandra, “Is everyone alright?  Were we attacked?”

Cassandra swallowed, “You were stabbed.  Sera was frightened and likely believed we were under attack.”

Dorian stood, “The question is, why was Cole here at all?  Much less injured.”  The Tevene threw the blood from his clothes into the night air carelessly and turned an eye on Vivienne.

Teiran’s eyes widened and she looked around quickly, her voice wavering, “Co-ole?”

           “Cole is well.  It would appear our First Enchanter struck him down with a bolt of lightning.” Solas spoke through clenched jaw.

           Vivienne cleared her throat and addressed only Teiran, “Inquisitor, I apologize for my part in this unfortunate affair.  Your pet demon came into our tent unannounced and I responded accordingly. However, I could not have anticipated you would also be injured.  Rest assured, we should ensure this does not happen again by sending the demon away and forbidding Sera to sleep in such close proximity to weapons.  It really would be in everybody’s best interest; don’t you agree dear?”

           Solas was deathly still, except for his hands, they were twitching lividly, “It is Cole who is owed an apology from you.  Yet you would use this situation to demean others and ingratiate yourself farther. Truly, it is you who should be sent away.  Cole was only performing his function as a spirit of Compassion.”

“You expect me to apologize to a demon?”  Vivienne asked incredulously.

           Teiran took a deep breath, marveling over the ease with which she could now do so. She understood now, Cole had been trying to help Vivienne who had, of course, reacted poorly.  Putting aside her curiosity over why Vivienne had elicited that response in the spirit, Teiran glanced from Solas to Vivienne.

Over the past couple of months, Teiran had taken to secretly thinking herself Keeper of her own, relatively new Clan.  She refused to turn any of them away, but getting them to work together and become the Clan she saw them potentially being someday was proving a monumental task. Mustering all her leadership skills, she quickly thought of a way to administer justice to restore the relative harmony of the diverse group rather than punish any of its members.

           “I accept your apology, Vivienne.”  Teiran started to stand with Cassandra’s aid, “But you should apologize to Cole as well. I know that you think Cole is a demon who means you harm, but you are the one who harmed him.  And if he surprised you by entering without anyone’s knowledge then he had the chance to harm you, but he didn’t.”  Teiran took another deep breath, then left the stunned mages with Cassandra supporting her steps.  Pulling upon her own magic, Teiran wiped away the blood that clung to her clothes and body.

Solas watched them leave, staring after the Inquisitor and evaluating the fond feeling that was beginning to appear more and more frequently when he interacted with the Dalish elf.

Dorian was the first to move, clearing his throat, he followed Teiran and Cassandra to the campfire and sat beside Iron Bull, who was weaving thick stitches through the tent’s canvas and still sporting only a pair of loose shorts as his nightly garb.

           Teiran, upon entering the company gathered around the flames, was greeted with varying exclamations of joy at seeing her fully recovered.  Teiran approached Sera without Cassandra’s support and sat down next to her.  

Poking out from behind her knees, Sera and Teiran conversed softly, mending the situation.  Soon, Sera was spreading her typical vibrant energy as she moved from person to person to engage them in broken, laughing conversation.  Then, stealing the thread and needle from Blackwall, she snuck up beside Teiran and began flamboyantly sewing the hole her dagger had made in Teiran’s tunic.  Cassandra stiffened at the sight of Sera wielding a sharp instrument so close to Teiran, but the Dalish elf survived the encounter without further injury.

Watching the scene from afar, neither Solas nor Vivienne had moved yet.  Then without looking at the other, Vivienne and Solas each departed. Once they both realized they were heading in the same direction, they paused just outside Cole’s tent.  

Vivienne broke the tense silence, “If I might have a moment of privacy?”

Solas hesitated, then stood aside but remained at the entrance to the tent.

“That is unnecessary, but if it pleases you by all means stay.”  Vivienne replied as she entered the tent.  She found Varric sitting next to and chatting amiably with the gangly, cross-legged teenager.  Vivienne had to remind herself that this was a demon, however much he appeared fragile and naïve.  Swallowing her misgivings and putting the finishing touches of sincerity on her mask, Vivienne steeled herself and completed her task of making an apology for causing “it” harm.  Then she politely reminded “it” to refrain from entering without permission and never at night before taking her leave.  She passed by Solas’ disapproving set of his jaw and rejoined the other companions sitting around the fire.

[perishingshards]

Tag Game

I was tagged by @gracesorkovsky

1. What is your favorite season? 

Summer. I hate and am physically weak to the cold (not an exaggeration) and I live in/near Toronto, Canada.

2. What is your favourite movie? 

Why would you be so cruel as to ask me to pick my favourite movie!? 

WALL-E

-=Alternates=-

Comedy: Tropic Thunder

Romantic Comedy: Definitely, Maybe 

Sci-fi: Moon (2009), Arrival (2016), Interstellar 

Crime drama? The Departed

Disney: Frozen

Ghibli: Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Whisper of the Heart, Princess Mononoke

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be? 

Flight

Close second: telekinesis

4. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you travel? 

Australia? France? Australia is just SO different. I love things that are different. And France because my French needs some serious work.

5. What is your favourite book series? 

YES! This one’s easy! His Dark Materials (The Golden Compass/The Northern Lights, The Subtle Knife, The Amperspyglass)

6. Describe your strangest dream. 

*Pulls out her old dream diary*

Uggh! Stop making me pick things! I suck at this. OMG, what weird ... somewhat disturbing dreams. Okay, that’s one way to filter. I’ll filter out the disturbing dreams.

if you can even follow this... I used to keep a dream diary:

Sunday, April 17th, 2011

For some reason … there was a group of us and we were hiding from our enemies. I think we were all Canadian. We went through either a door or portal to hide ourselves from our enemies. It was soon after that this portal/door was discovered by our enemies. Let’s say Americans. They come through, and although there are only four of them and twice as much as many Canadians, we don’t resist when they try to arrest us.

We are lined up by the wall of a building, and one of the Americans make a disturbance as they sing a pop tune I don’t recognize. Some buses pass by that are full of some older kids. For some reason, these buses have seats on the roof.

Soon after one of the Americans stops singing, she gets in trouble with the authorities (whoever they are). She gets taken away. The Americans soon are too busy taking care of their problem (the American who was singing got cited for disturbing the peace or something). Soon, the captured Canadians against the wall are able to wander freely.

I’m left talking to this guy in an greyish brown coat. As we talk, it’s a while before I see his face. For some reason I don’t look straight at him for a while. We exchange some words, then I ask if he’s Canadian. I am relieved and feel a friendly bond as soon as he confirms he is Canadian. We talk a little, and I get a glimpse of his face. I think he’s cute. He’s also wearing a greyish brown baseball hat to go with his coat. He’s of South Asian (Indian subcontinent) decent.

He says something like he has enough money to take care of me, later on. I get the feeling that we’re on the run and such and such. I am not the one to easily take money from others (as I’m kinda offended when guys do that and I almost always deny such offers…) but we continue talking. I tell him where I was born and how I ended up in Canada.

He tells me he was born in Saudia as well, and then later lived in Africa, before he moved to Canada.

As we talk, we walk around and end up at a mall/store or something.  It was there, I noticed he was a man much much older than I as he took off his coat and baseball cap to sit down. He seemed to have aged decades in just a minute or two. It wasn’t a gradual change as one minute I looked at him and he was a guy around my age, and another minute he was someone that looked like he was 65. I was internally saddened and disappointed at this, because the face I saw was of a younger, cuter guy whom I was starting to take a sorta romantic interest in. I don’t know why he seemed so much older now, when his face was clearly of someone my age earlier.

We sit down at a table as he fills out something. Despite his age, I continue to talk to him, as we were getting along. I figured some friendly chatting wouldn’t hurt. We talk as he fills out something and he asks for my help in filling out a postal code. At first he wanted to fill out the postal code by taking it from a sheet of stickers with postal codes on them. But it did not contain the postal code he wanted. So I ended up just writing it out for him.

It was then … I saw something. Think of this as a show whereby the scene gets changed. There’s a family (parents) who are worried about their son. Their son has gone off in search of his grandpa whom his parents don’t seem to be worried about considering the fact that the grandpa went missing. Anyways, the son’s come back home and it is revealed that he never found his grandfather. He’s sobbing like crazy as he loves his grandpa to bits and is really worried about him. I soon get the feeling that the grandfather dies soon after, or was already dead when the son went looking for him. And then I get the feeling that the son dies not long after… And then I get the feeling that the grandfather was unable to take care of one important thing just before he died...

I then get the feeling, that the old man I befriended was that man … Anyways, scene changes back to the store where we’re sitting on a small white circular table made for 2-4 people. I finish filling out the postal code and the old man, who wasn’t able to actually write out the postal code himself, thus the stickers, because of his really shaky hands, thanks me then walks away.

He walks away and I never see him again. It turns out that he was now able to mail that letter which was really important. Probably it had money in it or made sure someone deserving received some money they really needed or something really important like that.

From what I can gather … the son, and the grandpa (who is now known to be the old man I befriended) both died soon after each other. The grandpa left something unfinished. The son wished to help his dead grandpa, and so somehow … I was used as a tool (I am not offended by this or anything, kinda touched by the whole story more than anything). The son become a ghost, an apparition and befriended me, then switched to look like the grandpa. I was able to help the grandpa, which was the son’s last wish.

That letter got sent and the son (momentarily as the grandpa) disappears happy and relieved. While I sit there, contemplating the whole thing, at that white table situated right outside the walls of a store.

7. Who is your all-time favorite character (movies, tv shows, books, etc.)? 

STOP DOING THIS TO ME! Favourites are hard for an indecisive person like me, okay? Let’s see ... Avatar Korra, Asami Sato, Sousuke Sagara (Full Metal Panic!)

8. What is your favourite food?

When I used to care about food: Spicy tofu pad thai from Thai Express

9. Do you have any hobbies? 

Only one. Procrastination. I’m very good at it. It comes to me so naturally that i don’t even have to try!

 10. Do you have any tattoos?

I am on a journey of rediscovery. Having been raised Muslim, I was instilled with the idea this was wrong. Now that I’ve grown out of that (but still really respectful of those who are religious) I think I can be persuaded somewhere down the road? Who knows. Maybe something Korrasami related.

I’d tag people and come up with my own questions ... but I’m tired and it’s late and I have neither the willpower or creativity to come up with questions ... and I should go to bed instead of digging for people to tag.

Anyone who sees this and wants to continue, consider yourself tagged!