#so glad i only have two more sex ed classes after today

[bisluthq]

Hiii Nat the nyc date anon to keep you posted on all the tea( its so funny cause the second date was literally at a tea house) it went so well!! We talked for like 2 hours and we didn’t even realize and then I had to rush because I had dinner plans with friends. Also I am realizing that people are so much more relaxed on a second date (cause this is my first second date of this year lol) because after the first date I was a bit concerned if he was funny or not (he seemed a bit stern in the beginning) but today he was just so smiley and jokey it was the best time🩷 the only little advice I want is this : because there hasn’t been any physical progression which is actually great for me because I am kinda demi and technically we’ve only spent a total of 3 hours meeting but I don’t know if that’s a turn off for guys? Also idek how to initiate anything like that does the onus fall on the guy automatically?like at the end of the date there was a moment where i thought we might kiss but it was so crowded near the subway stop (Like with my ex we were friends for like 3 months and then it just happened and with the december guy at the end of the first date he was like i really want to kiss you is that okay and i was like yess because i really wanted to kiss him too ) should i be concerned? (The only thing i could think of was having a third date at a bar to have it be a more flirtatious vibe or something but I don’t drink and he also drinks quite rarely so idk?)

Yay!! I’m glad it’s going well! I wouldn’t worry about lack of kissing yet after two dates, especially since the only “moment” you had available was kind of crowded. I wouldn’t do a bar thing if you don’t drink and also for a third date tbh because bars are noisy and not that sexy lol like if you’re trying to talk to someone you don’t know that well but isn’t a total stranger, but what I would do - depending on your living arrangements like obvi it might not be possible - is invite him over to cook dinner with you? It’s always a really cute date right and it shows quite a lot about what he’s like? You can make pizzas or fajitas or something like that which is interactive and fun. And then you’re alone and not in a crowded space and it’s easy to kiss/make out/have sex if you’d like but obviously you don’t HAVE to have sex on date three and no I don’t think it’s a turn off at all tbh. The only problem is if you’ve got a bunch of roommates but then what I’d do is go to a cooking class lol together or something else that requires like working together/touching even if it’s not as conducive to making out. As for your question, I think generally guys do initiate but also it’s dependent on your situation and obviously you do need to seem interested because no one wants to be rejected lmao (but clearly you do seem interested). And I wouldn’t worry about him not initiating yet because it’s been early yk like he’s clearly interested since he organized date two really quickly and he’s nice and stuff and idk you don’t really want to be with someone who’s pushing you to do stuff that’s uncomfortable or awkward (which a kiss in a crowded place would’ve been). I also will say I tend/ed to sleep with people on a first date lol most of the time when I liked a person but when I think about it all the times it actually developed into a serious relationship I didn’t and there was time before we got intimate. So that’s probably a good thing.

[mayoiayasep]

damn i hate trauma

[say-the-name-sebongie]

Stereo Hearts

Synopsis: Silence can drive a person mad which makes radio like some sort of hero. It just takes a while to find the right station to listen to. Pairing: Jihoon x fem!reader Genre: fluff, collegeAU!Jihoon Warnings: noneeee Word Count: 1.6k words a/n: pls pretend spotify doesn't exist yet and yes this was kinda inspired by radio rebel

_____ silently thanked whoever created the radio. She thought that she would go crazy from the silence of the room she was in. The fact that her roommate was always grouchy and complained that she couldn't do anything if there were any "annoying" sounds made it hard for her to study in their shared room. She couldn't complain about it because the free dorm room that came with the scholarship was more than she could as for. So that left her to study in the dorm common room, earphones plugged into her phone and its radio tuned on some old radio station nobody listened to anymore.

Unfortunately for her, the songs that played on the radio these days didn't have any essence. They were either about having sex or were just pure electronic noise if they weren't memes. None of which helped her study. Sure there were some good songs but that only came on the radio every few weeks. So she had no choice but to go back to her routine of ever maddening silence.

On her way to class one day, she saw a poster on the notification board at the school entrance about the launch of the university's first radio station.

"I didn't know the university had its own radio station," she mumbled to herself. The bell rang and she left the poster behind, taking note of the station numbers and promising herself that she would check out the newfound radio station after class. Station 5.26.

That night she calibrated her phone radio until she heard a voice crackling in her earphones.

" -again guys to Station 5.26, University Radio. I have to get out of here to give my shift over to DJ Woozi so here's Fly Me To The Moon by good old Frank Sinatra. Good night!"

Old-timey music wafted into her ears as Frank Sinatra sang. The girl smiled. Now there was some good music. She took her books out of her bag and started going through what she had learned that day.

Studying became a joy more than a job when she listened to University Radio. Her favorite segment was the one hosted by DJ Woozi, who she heard was a student in the university. She had fallen in love with his impeccable taste in music, ranging from hard rock and hip hop to orchestral music and old classics. But that wasn't the only thing she had fallen in love with.

Hearing his voice over the crackly speakers of her phone made her feel better. A day hadn't gone since discovering that radio station that she didn't listen to his segment, Simple Radio, all night. Even if it ended at 3am, she couldn't finish her day without hearing him sign off with his signature "Goodbye guys, and may the simplest things make you smile today."

He was her vitamin. And though she had never even seen him yet, one could say that she had fallen for him.

Which is why she was devastated to hear that the station would be offline for the duration of the coming school break.

Over spring break she could think of nothing but going back to school. Most students wouldn't want their days of vacation to end but _____ was itching for the new term to arrive.

After an eternity, the day classes resumed came. As she sat in the back of her father's car, she could barely hear him talk about how he had gotten an email from the university about new dorm arrangements. Her mind was off in another place, some specific radio booth to be exact. As soon as they stopped at the school gate she hurried out of the car, not even bothering to give her bewildered father a second look.

A bunch of students were crowding the notification board, blocking the entrance. When she got to the front of the crowd she saw that the dorm rooms offered by the university were shuffled, including her dorm room.

To: The Students

Re: Dorm Room Assignments

Dear Beloved Students,

The faculty has come to a decision to rearrange the existing dorm rooms from being separated by gender to a co-ed arrangement. This is to ensure that we make the most of the space that is allotted for the dormitory rooms. Posted below are the said room assignments.

Thank you for your cooperation.

_____ scanned the list until she found her name. Room 17, Building B. Under that was another name equating to the same dorm. Lee Jihoon. From an annoyingly sensitive girl to some strange guy she had never met, her dorm life was never boring.

She dragged her luggage to Building B, hurrying so she could turn on her radio again. Heaving a sigh in front of room number 17, she opened the door to reveal a room with two beds and a boy in front of his laptop on one of the desks that were pushed against the wall. He had brightly colored hair buried under a big pair of headphones, his fingers tapping on the desk as he listened to something on his laptop.

As quietly as she could, _____ snuck into the room. She must have been noisier than she thought because he turned around to face her. His surprisingly handsome features gathering in confusion before they softened into understanding.

"You're _____, right?" he said, his hand slightly hesitating whether it should hold itself out for her to shake or not. The girl smiled and nodded before shaking his hand which he finally decided to stretch out. He smiled, his starry eyes disappearing into half-moons. Maybe this guy was better than her last dormmate.

Over the next few weeks, she and Jihoon became friends. Meeting up outside of class and talking about absolutely anything. _____ was glad to not be in the company of someone who hated listening to music. Blasting music in their dorm room was something they both enjoyed. She and Jihoon even shared the same favorite artists so picking which songs to play was never an issue.

There was something about the boy that felt so familiar as if she had met him before. She couldn't deny the fact that she liked being with him. Not even to herself. Being with him almost made her forget about her favorite radio station.

Almost.

On one early Saturday morning, she was alone in the dorm listening to Station 5.26 yet again when Jihoon came through the door from his part-time job. "Hey." she greeted him, not bothering to remove her earphones or even look up at her roommate.

"What are you listening to?" he asked, walking to her side and peeking at her phone screen. _____ turned her phone slightly to show the boy. He turned to look at her, a surprised look on his face.

"You listen to University Radio too?" Jihoon asked her incredulously. Enthusiastic about finding another common thing between them she started gushing about how she found the radio stations and how much she loved it over all the more mainstream stations.

Her roommate just smiled as she talked, silently taking in everything she said as he put his bag down and sat on his bed. The boy stared at her smiling face and blushing cheeks, hands that moved with every word she said, dainty fingers that pointed to nowhere in particular as she spoke, eyes that shone and sparkled and luscious pink lips that he just wanted to-

The boy pinched himself out of his daydream. He couldn't be crushing on his roommate right now.

It didn't take long for her to start talking about Simple Radio and DJ Woozi. Jihoon's eyes lit up when she mentioned it. _____ spilled everything she had kept to herself, from her love for his taste in music to her embarrassing crush on him. It all came spilling out. She felt as if she could trust Jihoon with them. As her secrets came to the light, the boy's eyes became wider and wider.

"Hey, you know I work for the university radio station, you wanna come along to my shift tonight?" he offered her. His roommate immediately agreed, wrapping her arms around his neck and thanking him again and again. His cheeks burned, a reddish tint left on them when she let go.

That night they got ready to go out. _____ could hardly believe her luck. It was almost 9pm, the time for Simple Radio to come on. That meant that when she got to the studio, her idol would be there. And she could finally meet him!

The studio was a dimly lit but cozy place. It was filled to the brim with CDs and records. Several speakers hung from the ceiling and stood at every corner. An empty booth stood in the middle of the floor. Jihoon put down his bag and walked to it, fiddling with some buttons and levers. _____ walked around to inspect the shelves. She found old CDs of famous singers and unknown rock bands. It fascinated her that so much music could be contained in one place.

A crackling came from the speakers, then a voice.

"Hey guys welcome back to Station 5.26 University Radio, I'm your nighttime companion DJ Woozi and this is Simple Radio."

_____'s eyes widened. She looked at her watch. 9:00pm, it said. The girl hurried back towards the booth, expecting to see DJ Woozi. But when she got there it was only Jihoon, headphones on his ears. She watched him, confused as to why he was inside. His gaze met hers through the glass.

"I'm here today in the booth with a person that's very special to me standing outside, watching me. She doesn't know that I'm the DJ Woozi she wanted to meet so bad,"

_____'s mouth gaped open.

"Nor does she know that I like her."

Jihoon smiled at her through the glass, mouth still near the microphone.

"And I hope that my confession today will blossom into something more."

[filmmakerdreamst]

‘Boy Meets World’ Re-watch (as an Adult)

‘Girl Meets World’ doesn’t count as a sequel. Not because of the writing/tonal choices but because in the original show - despite continuity issues - the characters felt like real people e.g. the way they spoke/acted/dressed was the way people behaved in the 90s where as in the spin off, they were Disney characters e.g. hyper versions of themselves especially Cory and Eric. And the transition between both shows didn’t come naturally. It’s not an objectivity badly written show but it was pretty much a re-do of the old show with the same storylines/tropes without continuing the story. (I say the same thing about ‘The Incredibles’. vs ‘Incredibles 2’.) Also there were too many cooks in the kitchen pushing one way or another. You could see Micheal Jacobs style, all the aspects were there, but he was also creating a ‘DISNEY’ show at the same time. I don’t know about you but the one message I took from the original show was ‘finding out that life cannot be packenged into a lovely little present ’ which kind of contradicts everything that the new show is. If anything GMW is an AU universe (and it really felt like that, rewatching it right after BMW e.g. it felt flipped) almost like Disney’s version of ‘what happened next?’ The primal difference between both shows is BMW is portraying what is real and GMW is based on what is real.

Going off my point, I will however be always thankful that it exists because I probably wouldn’t of found out about ‘Boy Meets World’ otherwise. Although saying that, I never thought that the original show needed a continuation of any kind (a lot of things make sense about the spin off if you acknowledge that Disney requested it - I think it would of been much better off on its original platform) ‘Boy Meets World’ was very much a product of its time i.e. when tv shows were still relevetivley new and had no rules - like there is stuff in there that not even adult shows today have. Plus there was something about it that felt very personal (such as the characters and setting) as if the creator based it on his own childhood growing up and I think that was part of its charm and why it had such a big effect on pop culture - I’m not so sure you can repeat that.

BMW is big on meta I’ll tell you that. I love how it’s so aware of itself. The amount of depth that it has never ceases to amaze me. It’s whole universe is so dense and huge. Every quote/storyline is so unique it sticks in your brain forever. (I swear the humour got more and more deranged every season). The show was also incredibly queer and progressive.  It didn’t give a crap about sexuality. Much more than I remember. Proof to never use ‘but it was made in the 90s’ excuse.        

I loved how the show kept reinventing itself every season as Cory grew up so you really felt you were growing up with him and all the characters. The Character Development on this show was so natural/authentic. Every single character got a chance to shine. No one changed their look in one episode and no one had an intervention every time someone had an identity crisis (GMW) My favourite development was Shawn Hunter. He went from a cool kid to a ladies man to a poetic soul. It was so satisfying to watch.

I realised that Cory Matthews is actually my favourite character (before it was Eric or Shawn) I already have a special soft spot for ‘annoying’ characters because they tend to be the most memorable/real. For example, Karma Ashcroft from ‘Faking it’ was my babe while everyone was hating on her. I really related to his anxiety/self hatred about being average and I loved that he constantly made mistakes. It was very refreshing. He’s also incredibly queer-coded. I found that alot of his mannerisms make sense if you see him with extreme compulsory heterosexuality (because identity’s such as bisexual or gay couldn’t exist normally in the 90s) There are moments in the show where he literally mimics his best friend’s behaviour around girls e.g. when the class pretty much gets brainwashed by the sex ed video in ‘Boy Meets Girl’ Shawn gets asked out by a girl, making Cory jealous - which pushes him to ask out Topanga.

It’s funny how a few years of life experience can change perspectives completely because when I was sixteen (aka the same age as Cory and Topanga) watching BMW for the first time, I was mad at Amy for ‘not understanding that they were in love’ (in ‘A Walk to Pittsburg’) but now that I’m older I’m actually agreeing with her. Yeah, what do they know about love? Because all season long they were acting quite superficially.

Cory and Topanga became somewhat of a toxic couple in seasons 5 -7. Reminded me of my parents relationship because my mum gave up her chosen university to be closer to my dad and they aren’t together any more. Topanga’s love for Cory was very conditional and Cory cheated on her multiple times/openly begged for sex  (Again like my parents) And you should never be in a relationship with someone who makes you say “You make me think not so very much of myself” There are arguably much more signs of emotional abuse than love in their relationship especially from Topanga’s side. Plus their story was altered so many times to give it more basis (they retconned Shawn and Cory’s friendship to do this) I could write an essay on how Kevin and Winnie’s love story on ‘The Wonder Years’ is much more believable because it actually addresses how toxic it was and they grow apart in the end. If GMW was a realistic continuation, they would be divorced with a little girl - leave them in the 90s where they belong.

Alan and Amy were couple goals! Cory and Topanga wish that they could have what they have. Literally the definition of ‘a healthy relationship on tv that keeps thriving and over coming obstacles without big drama’. Best TV parents ever.

I loved the Matthews family; how they all had individual arcs and developments of their own. One of my favourite arcs was in season 5, when Eric and Cory were both jealous of what they ‘didn’t have’ with their dad, so Alan made an effort to give them both that they needed. Honestly, I had never seen so much healthy communication on TV before. Alan is the best father around. His whole personal arc of giving up managing a supermarket because he wasn’t passsionate about it anymore and buying a mountain store was so inspired. I found it funny that the family had more of a relationship with Shawn than Topanga.

Shawn Hunter never caught a break. It got a bit tiring. He was never allowed to be happy for five minutes. Every time he laughed or smiled, 5 years were added onto my lifespan. Why didn’t Johnathan Turner adopt him? I loved their dynamic. Why did he let him go back to his abusive father who just dumped him anyway?

Jack and Shawn’s complicated dynamic was possibly the most unique/interesting arc of the entire show and no one talks about it. I don’t care what y’all say - despite them being very different, Jack was the only one who fully took care of Shawn without second thoughts (Turner and the Matthews family had doubts)

I liked Shawn and Angela. I thought they were much better suited than Cory and Topanga. I honestly wouldn’t of minded if they ended up together even though I always had a feeling they wouldn’t. (Like I’m glad she went with her dad in the end) And considering how important they were as a interracial couple in the 90s, GMW handled that very poorly.

Shawn and Cory should of ended up together. And before you come at me with ‘it’s important to have m/m friendships without toxic masculinity’ (which is an important arguement to have) - yeah no shit there’s an entire Industry based around that/pitting women against each other. While it is important to have those friendships between men that are close and even intimate (take Chandler and Joey, Schmidt and Nick, Isak and Jonas and Jake and Charles for example) there was also another layer to their relationship which the narrative played off sometimes as them “going out” or “in love”.  I actually recently found out that a writer - who came into the show in season 3 - confirmed that she wrote gay undertones into their relationship on purpose ‘In my opinion as a writer, they thought they were “straight”, they both didn’t realise or understand their feelings for eachother’ but couldn’t deliever because the producers wanted to keep the show “kid friendly”. Kind of like Xena and Gabby. I know people prefer Jack & Eric (I love them as well) but everything got ruined for me as soon as they introduced the ‘love triangle’ and I always tend to prefer emotional tension over sexual. They were just so unconditional with each other/ their friendship was so good and healthy and now I’m so bitter that it never happened.

I never understood why Shawn and Cory had to stop being best friends after he got married. He’s not Topanga’s property. I always hated how Topanga tried to interrupt/interfere with their dynamic — although now I realise it was because the two of them purposely left her out. Looking back at it, If it really was just a intimate friendship then why would she get so easily jealous if she didn’t sense there was something else deeper going on? You should never marry someone who puts you second.

I didn’t like Topanga when she was with Cory (or vice versa) Especially after they got married. She was a great character on her own. Feminist before her time. Hermione Granger before her time. I always felt she deserved a lot better than him in a way e.g. if someone I considered a friend speard a rumour around high school that we slept together - I would never speak to that person again. SHE SHOULD OF GONE TO YALE GOD DAMN IT. And as someone pointed out the other day, if the roles were reversed some of the stuff she does or says to Cory would be considered domestic violence. ‘She’s always blaming Cory on shit that isn't even his fault or makes him feel bad or shuts down his emotions and turns it around so he's comforting her instead.’ There was even a moment in GMW (not that I consider that show a continuation) where she locks him out the house for a few days after he insulted her chicken, and his son Auggie had to bring him spaghetti. If Cory was a woman, that would not be played off as a joke - that would be considered abuse. They were however a better couple in GMW ironically.

Angela Moore is now one of my favourite characters on BMW. She was beautiful. Her friendship with Rachel (and Topanga) was the best. And I frickin’ loved her and Cory’s friendship development - when they could of easily not played into that. I hate that she got villiaized in GMW.

My favourite seasons are 4, 5 & 1. My least favourites are 3 & 2 & 7. And even then the show was still pretty darn good.

The back and fourth clash between Turner and Mr Feeny in season 2 was very entertaining.

Mr Feeny and Eric are my favourite relationship on ‘Boy Meets World’. I love how Eric was the only person that Feeny directly told that he loved him. Also, why didn’t Eric become the new Mr Feeny? He showed more traits of becoming a teacher in the show than Cory did.

Eric and Tommy was probably the most heartbreaking plot line in season 6. (That season was an emotional train wreck) I cried for a fourth time. The world doesn’t deserve him.

I loved the development of Shawn and Topanga’s friendship. Even though there was a silent competition over Cory, they eventually became good friends. I found out that the song ‘She will be loved’ was inspired by them which is awesome but it’s also proof that people ship for less if it’s an m/f dynamic - just sayin’. I however see a more convincing potiental romance with the two of them than Cory and Topanga sometimes.

On Cory and Topanga again - they weren’t a bad couple overall. I liked them in s1 - 3. They had some great moments. But upon my rewatch (getting out of that 90s idealised headspace) I found them to be too similar at times - chafing as another person put it - to the point where they cancel each other out. A lot of people pointed out that Riley and Maya paralleled them and I was thinking “That’s not nesserily a good thing.”

‘Dream. Try. Do good.’ is on my mantelpiece.

[wizardessheart-sideb]

When my alarm went off, I was tired, but excited. That weird shaky feeling that comes from too little sleep mingled with excitement as I pulled on the Night Class uniform and got ready for my day. And it didn’t go away as I made my way to classes. Sure, it’d gone away for a little bit when I met my other suite mates, Aika and Dorian, but as soon as I stepped out of our suite, it came back. As I got to campus, I read my class info off my inanimate Acceptance Letter.  Room 3-A… Here it is!

I opened the door to see most everyone was already there. And with good reason. The late bell rang and I flung myself into a seat between a boy with purple hair and a girl with bright green curls. At the front of the classroom there were four people. One was a guy a bit older than me with striking blue hair. Maybe one of the Prefects? Beside him were a woman and two girls that looked my age. The girl with curly brown hair and haphazardly-worn uniform looked older, but the one with silver pigtails looked younger. Unlike the other girl, her uniform was in perfect order. The bell rang and the guy started clapped his hands.

“All right, listen up,” he announced. “Today we’re having a guest lecturer and I expect all of you to behave. You’ll be having this special class instead of our usual homeroom for the next couple weeks since you’re all giving Rex and me trouble. Behave.” So that’s Prefect Nox. He gave us a stern look before leaving. The woman just laughed and gave us all a warm smile.

“That’s a way to start class,” she commented. “Hello, everyone! How are we feeling this evening besides vaguely threatened?”

Only the boy next to me and I replied, saying we were okay.

“Well, I’m glad you two are good. I’m gonna guess everyone’s a little tired?” she asked. The girl next to me nodded. “That’s fine. This is an early class for you guys. I get it. Well, I’m just going to go ahead. I’m Dr. Theresa. Some of you are probably familiar with mine and my husband’s business. Or you may know my daughters, Opal and Ruby.” The older one waved and smiled. Her sister copied her, albeit she was a little stiff and didn’t make eye contact. The girl next to me raised her hand.

“Are you a real doctor?” she asked.

“I am!” Dr. Theresa replied. “I went to med school and now I’m a practicing gynecologist. I’d like a doctorate in human sexuality as well, but I’m not keen on the idea of going back to school. I think we can all agree school’s a little draining.” Huh? She’s a gynecologist? Human sexuality?

The pieces fell into place in my mind and my cheeks flared with color.

Oh no. Oh no no no no no.

“My doctorate may not be in human sexuality,” Dr. Theresa continued. “But I’m more than qualified to teach you all about sex education!”

OH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! I want to learn magic! Not about sex!

“Ruby, please hand out the syllabus. We’ll go over that today and then we’ll get started with anatomy.”

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Even though Dr. Theresa was nice, she set the tone for today.  I wasn’t as ready as I thought I’d be. I struggled with all my spells that day and classes were hard. But now our last class was done and it was time to go back to my dorm. I’ve really bit off more than I can chew, haven’t I? But at least I’m not Fandamilia… I looked to the girl next to me. She’d been acting funny since Dr. Theresa’s lecture. Maybe she’s new too?

“Hey, uh, Fandamilia, right?” I spoke up. She perked up, looking confused.

“Huh? Were you talking?” she asked.

“No, I just called you. Um, are you okay?” I inquired. Immediately her demeanor changed, from confused and tired to looking perky and smiling widely. To be honest, something about it struck me as weird.

“Oh, yeah I’m fine! We just learned a lot today,” she replied.

“Yeah. I wasn’t expecting a sex ed lecture this morning.”

“Me too! Sex is so gross, I can’t believe people want to have it,” she shuddered.

“It’s a problem. I’m surprised they waited until now to have that class. We needed it at the beginning of the year. I guess they wanted to wait until we got our transfer students here.” The dude with bad vibes that sat by Fandamilia spoke up. He looked over to me and my neighbor, Tsukasa.

“Well, we might as well all learn it at the same time,” Tsukasa shrugged.

“I’d prefer to just. Not,” Fandamilia said, wrinkling her nose in disgust. She slumped in her chair. The guy with bad vibes looked a little uncomfortable as he stood up, grabbing Fandamilia’s arm.

“Come on, Millie. Let’s go to the Night Cafe and get something to eat,” he said. The Night Cafe? Isabelle told me about that last night. To be honest, I could really go for a snack...

“That’s a great idea, Viggo! Let’s go!” Again, she perked up almost immediately, shoving her things into her backpack. “You guys should come too!” she added, looking from me to Tsukasa.

“Sure, I’ll come along,” he said.

“I’ll come too!” I said. Viggo frowned as we got up, but I tried to ignore it. After all, this was going to be fun! I would go and have some food with my classmates and we’d become friends. This could save the day!

The Night Cafe looked like a run of the mill pub. A few other students were in there. A few were in duos, but most were sitting and snacking alone. Fandamilia slid into a booth and eagerly knocked on the table. A drink that looked like muddy water appeared in front of her and she immediately got started on it. Viggo grimaced as he slid into the seat next to her.

“Pace yourself, Millie,” Viggo told her. He knocked on the table and a glass of water appeared. He pushed it towards her.

“Uh, how did you do that?” Tsukasa asked.

“Oh, right. That’s how you order. Just think of whatever drink or snack you want and knock on the table!” Fandamilia told us. Huh. Okay. I thought of a milkshake and knocked. In an instant, a lavish milkshake appeared before me.

“That’s cool!” Tsukasa said. He knocked and a sundae appeared in front of him. His face lit up and he immediately dug in. Viggo ordered a glass of water and a sandwich and pushed them towards Fandamilia. “How’s your milkshake?”

“It’s great! How’s your sundae?” I asked back.

“It’s good!” he said, nodding enthusiastically.

“Great, there you are!” An unfamiliar voice spoke up. I looked up to see a tall guy with periwinkle hair come sauntering over to us. Fandamilia squealed, bouncing in her seat. Viggo tensed, lips pursing into a thin line.

“Zeus! You came to see me?!” I could hear her being starstruck in her voice. I couldn’t blame her. The dude was pretty hot.

“Nah, I’m here for the newbies,” he said. Her smile changed into something that struck fear into my heart. Okay, you know what, never mind. He’s not as hot as I thought he was.

“Oh,” she replied softly.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Tsukasa spoke up. He introduced me before adding on, “And I’m Tsukasa.”

“I know who you are. Come with me,” Zeus motioned for us to follow him.

“Is it urgent?” I asked. I mean, of course I’d go with him, but I’d like to finish my milkshake first.

“Very urgent,” he replied with a wide grin that didn’t instill confidence in me.

“What’s going on?” Tsukasa asked.

“You’re going to become real Night Class students!” Zeus told us.

“Uh… We’re undergoing our Trial already?” Panic started to settle in. I thought I had thirteen days! Why was this happening now?!

“No! Man, you guys are slow on the uptake. You have do some tasks to prove you’re brave enough to be in the Night Class,” Zeus said with a slight pout.

“You’re hazing them?” Fandamilia asked.

“No!”

“That’s exactly what it is,” Viggo spoke up, reaching over and taking a swig of Fandamilia’s drink. He wrinkled his nose a bit as it went down.

“Why do you want to haze them? We’re all Unus students,” Fandamilia asked.

“We were hazed, so they should be too.” Fandamilia’s strained smile slipped off her face in a second, a look of anger replacing it.

“That’s terrible! … I, oh my gosh, I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that!” If she didn’t look so terrified and if Zeus wasn’t pissing me off, I’d think it was funny how many face journeys she was going on. Now she looked distraught, large amethyst eyes pleading with Zeus, who just looked irritated.

“Well, clearly you did, otherwise you wouldn’t have said it,” he told her and she shrunk in her seat even more.

“I-I just, um, I mean, just because we were humiliated doesn’t mean they have to be too. Wouldn’t you rather save them from that pain?”

“No,” he answered. Fandamilia’s knuckles were white as she gripped the water Viggo got her. I was worried she was going to break it.

“That’s so selfish! You shouldn’t want that!” she exploded.

“Why not? Scaring people’s pretty funny.” Now Zeus just looked confused as Fandamilia glared at him.

“No it’s not!” she shouted. He rolled his eyes and although I hadn’t known Fandamilia for long, I was ready to die defending her.

“Ugh, it’s not a big deal! Can’t you just shut up about it?” he demanded. Fandamilia’s eyes were full of tears and rage burned inside me.

“Hey, you know what? Fine. I’ll undergo the hazing if you leave us alone,” I spoke up. I already know he wants to scare me. To test me. Let’s see how well he deals with me passing his stupid test AND using my special magic to get back at him. Fandamilia was in tears because of this guy and I wasn’t about to let him get away with it. He grinned and grabbed my arm, hauling me to my feet.

The walk out of the Night Class was short and pretty easy. Zeus and I stood at the edge of a dark forest. It was a little creepy, but I was too mad to worry about what lurked in the shadows.

“So, what’s my challenge?” I asked.

“I hid a lantern in the forest. It’s gold and shaped like a sphere Go get it,” he instructed. “You have thirty minutes.”

“And if I don’t make it in time?” He grinned.

“You’ll find out.” I knew I’d make it in less time. “Your time starts now!” I walked into the forest, determined to get away from Zeus before I asked the animals where the lantern was. But how to have my revenge? Maybe I should wait the full time and then scream, and once he comes in to save me, I have some birds dive bomb him, or something. Or maybe I could just hide behind a tree and scare him. I had a lot of options.

I walked along the path, looking for an animal to talk to. I couldn’t see Zeus anymore and now he wouldn’t be able to hear me cheating. The tall bushes by me rustled and I headed off the path ever so slightly to chat with the animal.

“Hi, I’m sorry to bother you, but have you seen a lantern around here? It looks like a golden sphere,” I said as I got closer.

“I haven’t seen it, but I could make one for you.” I stepped back at the familiar voice. Zett appeared from behind the bushes, dressed in all black with that cool jacket I’d seen him in last time we met.

“Zett?!”

[sheisbornadreamer]

Blend in, chapter eight

Disclaimer: Don't own Digimon. Sex without consent is bad. 'Nuff said. This is fiction, not sex-ed

Warnings: graphic language and male on male content

Chapter eight

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Please tell me you're kidding!"

-'-

During the last couple of weeks the redheaded girl's surroundings had changed dramatically. From having her two guy friends to joke and chat with, it had gone to comforting Yamato (without progress) and keeping him company, to being stuck in the extremely awkward space between the guys, to witness them being more than friendly all of a sudden, to see Yamato fall into depression, to be the loyal and comforting friend telling Yamato that being gay isn't the end of the world, to get stuck in an even more awkward space between them, to listen to Taichi's endless wining about the other avoiding him, and finally being the one to tell the brunet to give up.

Taichi blinked innocently –well, he would've looked innocent if he'd been able to wipe the grin off his face- tilting his head slightly to elucidate that he had no idea what she was talking about. The truth is that he actually didn't.

"What?" came the surprised and slightly hesitant reply.

"You think I'm stupid? You think I'm too blind to see? Tai, it's written all over you! What the hell did you do to him?"

Taichi's eyes darkened and his grin suddenly disappeared. Then he sighed and shook his head. "Sora, don't jump to conclusions, alright? It wasn't me this time."

Sora's amber eyes narrowed as she studied his face suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

Taichi's grin returned and his eyes lit up, making him look like a dog receiving a bone. (A/N: no bad thoughts here, people!) "He wanted me. He wanted me, not the other way around! Well… 'course the other way around too, but… Sora, he came on to me. And we-"

"Again?"

Sora buried her face into her hands, shaking it dramatically. She looked up again, staring at him with devastated eyes. "Tai, how could you let that happen?"

Taichi raised his eyebrows. "Wha…? No, you don't get it –this is a good thing!"

Sora snorted, turning away from him and started pacing back and forth. She suddenly stopped and turned to him again. "How?"

Taichi looked up and blinked, opening his mouth to respond. Before he could she interrupted him. "How is this a good thing? Are you two friends? Are you dating? Do even give a shit about each other?"

"Sora, calm down… this isn't another mistake, or another crisis. It's just sex, damn it! We both wanted to, no one got forced. Everything's fine." He grinned again, throwing his arms out. "I'm happy! See?"

She looked at him with a mix of contempt and disbelief, but she couldn't find anything fake in that smile, so she sighed, giving up.

"Alright. I guess I should believe you." She threw him another doubtful look. As weird as it seemed, she couldn't force herself to think that he was lying. Taichi couldn't lie about being happy. If he was, it shone right through him. The tanned boy could however lie about being miserable. He was very good at throwing on a happy face. Sora had known him for long enough to see the difference between the happy face and actual happiness.

But there was still one thing to worry about.

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Thursday 1.55 P.M.

Walking through the hall, carrying a thick textbook in a hideous mix of sage-green and purple, wearing a blank expression that stopped most eyes from noticing him, Yamato Ishida was on his way to his locker. Some heads still turned, perhaps two or three, which was a small number considering the overfilled corridor of chattering teenagers. Most people had forgotten the rumor that had started three weeks ago. Yamato was finally invisible again.

School had been working surprisingly well this day and he had for once been able to keep his focus throughout the classes. He hadn't even back-talked Mr Watanabe, which surprised both his teacher and him.

The only times he spent in the hallway he knew Sora and Taichi would be in, was when he had to get his books for class. But he had still managed to avoid talking to them or being spotted.

The two football-players' absence didn't really bother him, and he didn't feel any need to talk to either of them. The fact that he'd practically spent the whole day alone with hardly anyone to talk to, was something he hadn't bothered to think of. Nor did he mind everyone ignoring him. This new understanding he had with Taichi was probably the main thing to keep him from losing his mind, plus it was way better than jerking off. He was finally free from all the drama, the angst, the painful desire and shame. Now all he had got to do is start living again.

Reaching his goal, he opened his locker and put his book back. The area he was currently standing in was the one with the highest risk of meeting one of the football players. Yamato had no shared classes with either one of them today, and he was glad to have escaped any needless trouble.

Walking towards him, listening to some loud music that should make his ears explode but for some odd reason didn't, Taichi noticed the other boy and stopped immediately, quickly turning off his mp3. Yamato turned around, not once looking at him and started to walk back the way he came from. The confused brunet made several attempts to speak, move, shout or just do something, but none were very successful. He ended up staring after him as he walked out of his vision of sight.

The blond was frowning slightly as he walked; annoyed by his sudden bad luck.

He'll learn, Matt, a comforting voice said in his head. Tomorrow he's got it.

Yamato smiled inwardly, a smile that almost reached his delicate features. Then he turned left and entered class.

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At was a miracle that he hadn't even noticed her intense gaze. If he had, he would've cringed under it, begging her to stop looking at him like that. But he was currently zoning out, head threatening to tilt down from his right palm that was supporting it, which would naturally lead to him jerking it back up and looking around with a confused and drowsy expression.

So he was tired. Okay, not the same thing as miserable, and not the same thing as trying to hide that he's miserable. Just… tired. She sighed, briefly looking away from her observing-object. She couldn't help it; he was supposed to be depressed by the way Yamato was still avoiding him, even after…

To her, that was a pretty good reason not to ignore someone. Of course that's just the way guys work, isn't it?

She jerked slightly when feeling a light hand on hers and came back to reality. Mimi's hand, that had for one second pulled away again when noticing her reaction, rested on hers. "Are you okay, Sora?"

"I'm fine." She sighed, throwing her friend an apologizing look for not having the strength to, well, act fine.

Mimi studied her with concern, then finally gave up, figuring they'd talk about it at another time. Koushiro, sitting across the table, was still talking to Ken about his latest updated program about God knows what, –she'd never get what the hell was coming out of that guy's mouth- the reason Taichi, who was sitting next to the genius, was falling asleep of course. It was one of the few days when her schedule matched theirs and she could actually have lunch with them. Then there were the even fewer days when Koushiro's best friend Joe could join them. That had happened three times.

The redhead beside her looked at Taichi once again, frowning. Even if he's dense now, doesn't mean he won't get hurt eventually. And the longer it takes, the more it'll hurt.

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Taichi had never in his life observed his friend for so long.

To have walked behind him for the last ten minutes, he'd discovered many fascinating things. He walked in a very interesting way, unable to be described. Not slutty, like a girl. Not stiff, like a guy. Not overdone, like a "cool" dude. Just…

Man, what a weird way to walk in, he thought for the tenth time, shaking his head. The reason he was walking 20 feet behind the musician was because he had not yet found the courage to approach him, much less speaking. Plus he had a feeling that wasn't such a good idea. Don't poke the bear. He snickered at the thought of his friend as an angry bear, chasing annoying kids and growling. Then he shook that thought away, rolling his eyes at himself. After all, he had better things to do.

His eyes returned to Yamato's back, studying with interest. When he finally came to the spot where their shared way home split, Taichi sighed to himself and started walking his own way, feeling a little weird doing that without the usual "see ya" or "bye". Busy with feeling sorry for himself, he almost missed Yamato's words.

"Where're you going?"

Taichi spun around, founding his friend standing right at the spot where their separate ways met. It was an invitation, not a question. Even though it didn't sound very inviting, it were the keywords for I want you to follow me home and fuck my brains out. Okay so it didn't necessarily mean the last part, but Taichi was obviously not going to be home for the next hour or so.

All of this raced through Taichi's head, as he just stared at him, careful not to smile or look smug or even hopeful. One mistake and Yamato might get mad and this would be all over.

Without another word, Yamato turned his way and started walking. Taichi quickly considered if it was 100 per cent safe to follow, and started walking, finally letting the smile spread across his face.

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"Did you know that Kari's got class meeting tomorrow? Apparently one parent has to attend."

"Mmm…?" Mr Yagami mumbled, eyes glued to the magazine. His wife was pouring herself a cup of coffee, still having her black coat on. There was no need to take it off; she was going to leave again soon.

"Class meeting?" he finally muttered, affirming that he'd caught that word at least.

"Yes," Mrs Yagami replied quickly, sitting down beside him and drinking the hot gift from heaven. If she survived the day without coffee or not she didn't know; she would never in her life try. Believing that it made things better was enough. "Could you be there?"

"Maybe. Why not you?"

"Got a client" Big gulp –she never drank it slowly nowadays. "Ms Kobayashi" she sighed, and smirked a little as her husband immediately uttered an understanding 'oh'. Calling an over middle-aged woman 'Ms' felt odd, though she could certainly understand why she was still a Miss. I swear to God, if that woman didn't have more money than she deserved I would never have anything to do with her.

"Believe me, I would much rather listen to that stupid teacher for hours, than dealing with Ms Kobayashi."

He smiled, finally turning his attention away from random crises and disasters in the newspaper. "I know. You're admirable, you know that?"

She snorted, a brief show of amusement and gratefulness visible on her still youthful features. Then a serious face. "Tai is having some grade problems"

Their sixteen-year-old son wasn't exactly any more open than other teenagers; he just had a very inquisitive mother. At least when in came to things that had to do with school. She would occasionally ask him how every thing was, but it wasn't like he would ever reply 'oh well everything sucks right now and I'm very depressed because I'm feeling this and she said that and they did this and he did that…' If he ever informed her about anything having to do with emotions she would probably choke on something or fall off the chair. She accepted the 'okay' for an answer, appreciating that he at least talked to her about other things.

"In what?"

She snapped back, blinking. In a second or two she remembered what she had been talking about. "English, mostly. Do you think there's something wrong with him?"

Mr Yagami turned page. "Wrong?" he glanced at her. "Just because he's got some school problems doesn't mean he's stupid."

"No that's not what I meant" she sighed, rolling her eyes at him. "I mean besides school, I haven't seen him with Yamato for a while." She said as an example, though that wasn't really what she thought was the case.

"Why would I know?" he muttered, not turning his eyes away from the newspaper. She blinked, slightly disappointed. Then she shrugged, hit by the realization that neither of them did know.

"Girl problems?" she offered half-heartedly, rubbing her eyes. She didn't really have the energy to discuss it anyway –especially not if neither one of them had a clue.

"Maybe"

She checked her watch and noticed that she should have left two minutes ago. After giving him a quick kiss she said goodbye and ran out, leaving a ready-to-be-cleaned kitchen, a ready-to-be-shaved man and a half-empty cup.

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Yagami Taichi was a quick learner. When he was little, he used to watch guys play football down the street, and then mimic their moves and tricks until he could do it in his sleep. He made up new ones too and, simply by finding it more fun than anything else, trained to be the best when he started school, shortly becoming a star. He learned to be funny by idolizing his uncle, who –to him- was the funniest man on the planet and made everyone around him smile and laugh. When he first met Sora, it was because he made her laugh that he escaped getting beat down for destroying her red hat with mud. Back then she was taller than him, and he only had his charm to save him from receiving physical damage. Yamato was a different thing. While football and jokes were simply fun, this new blond kid was a challenge. Eventually Taichi learned exactly what to say and do to get his attention at all, to startle him out of his defense and finally trick him into surrender. Before Yamato knew it, he'd become so attached to Taichi that he couldn't turn back.

This afternoon, Taichi was once again faced with a challenge. He had already learned his mistakes; this time he didn't look like a human question mark when Yamato had tried to hint that he wanted sex, he didn't ask a hundred times if he really meant it, he was quick to start touching him without teasing, and he didn't speak. Still, there were so many new mistakes to be made.

Yamato pushed Taichi's hands back with an annoyed sigh, giving him a quick glare and removing his shirt by himself. Taichi ducked his head, feeling useless. There were so many things Yamato didn't like, and so many unspoken rules that Taichi was expected to follow. He let Yamato remove his shirt and then his t-shirt, slightly encouraged by the lustful look on the blonde's face as he gazed at his body. He then made the biggest mistake he could've done, he leaned in and kissed him, unable to resist. Yamato pushed him away with surprising strength, and Taichi was a bit taken aback. He barely had time to realize what he'd done wrong before Yamato started unbuttoning his jeans. He hesitatingly responded by unbuttoning Yamato pants, looking carefully at him from under his bangs. As the musician didn't make any signs on irritation, he quickly unzipped and pulled them down, leaving Yamato to take them off completely.

As they stumbled into bed, Taichi's mind was focused on what he was allowed, and not allowed, supposed and not supposed to do. He didn't want Yamato to feel unwanted, but he couldn't grope around like last time. He probably shouldn't speak, he shouldn't look at him, get him frustrated, or annoyed. He shouldn't be dominant, nor should he be slow.

When he made the blue-eyed boy frown, he thought it was the end of the world. Then suddenly he was moaning, and Taichi thought he was going to burst with pride. When he got a command to stop, he took it in and remembered it, and when everything just rolled on, Yamato silent and pleased, he tried to memorize that as well. There were times when he lost himself, -after all they were rolling around naked in a bed- and he happened to spontaneously do something that just felt right.

"Stop kissing me."

Taichi looked up at him –another mistake- and blinked. He swore that he had heard Yamato moan when he was kissing his collarbone, although that may have been because he was touching him at the same time.

Remembering to be quiet, Taichi just nodded and continued jerking him off mechanically. Just before Yamato was about to stop him, getting close, he removed his hand and waited for him to make the first initiative to go further. Pride filled inside him when his friend was a bit taken aback by his fast learning, and he made a mental note to himself that next time he'd make it without any slip-ups whatsoever.

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Next day arrived, and during its hours of school time, Taichi made no attempts to approach, talk to, talk about or even think about the blond-haired jerk that seemed to have fallen off the face of earth. He talked about other things like football, his "cruel big-mouthed asshole for a coach" (which Sora could agree with; she had him as coach too), and various grade problems –or as he put it; grouchy teachers that either had love problems, money problems, or simply hadn't got laid for a very long time. Taichi even went as far as talking about girls, and trying to make Sora talk about guys, which was very ironic by a fact she chose not to say out loud.

It was one thing to see your friend miserable and hear him whine over it, but seeing him in this weird situation that could be working, but could screw everything up just as well was both worrying and frustrating. It was a dangerous balancing between chaos and brief happiness. Then again, she had to remind herself every so often that the brunet didn't think the way she did. Not at all. Therefore, he probably didn't feel the way she would've felt. Question is if that makes it right.

Either way, he kept surprising her by filling out the hole Yamato had left them with endless chattering, jokes and just being himself. She couldn't decide whether he was very good at acting, or if he was dumb enough to be happy, if there were something she had missed or maybe just –God forbid- didn't get. Since the blond wasn't a good topic to bring up, she couldn't exactly get any information out either. It was an evil circle, unless of course they were happy, but…

"…so then he said "Yagami, if you don't get your lazy ass out on the field, I'm throwing you out of the team so fast you wouldn't know what hit you!" I mean was an ass; I just explained everything about Kari –which I shouldn't even have to do, cuz it's none of his fucking business if she's in the hospital and why would I even have to talk about that, it's a hard thing to talk about y'know and then he goes and completely ignores everything I just said and threatens to kick me off the team! And he called me a lazy-ass! And then he gets even angrier when I say this and he makes me do a hundred push-ups. I think it was two hundred even…"

Sora sighed to herself. Originally it had been thirty push-ups.

"Hey, guy with blue hair! Ken right?" Taichi suddenly hollered, -making Sora jump in the effort- waving a cheerful hand at the younger teen that was passing them.

Sora blinked at her friend. Man, he's good at moving on. She was almost a bit proud of him, perhaps he'd even forget about Yamato after a few days. Obviously he wasn't as attached as she'd thought.

Ken observed him hesitatingly, slightly suspicious by the elder boy's wide grin and friendly manner. He felt tempted to jump back when Taichi made his way over to him faster than he'd expected, dragging him by his arm.

"You've met Sora right?" Taichi asked, pulling him down on the bench.

"I guess" Ken mumbled distractedly, politely nodding at Sora before glancing at the brunet.

"Sora, this is my stalker. Stalker, this is my… -ew-" he paused long enough to make a face. "This is Sora. She's not mine."

Ken looked back and forth between the rambling brunet and the sighing redhead. "In case you've missed it, Tai's retarded." Sora mentioned as a sort of excuse.

"No, I've noticed." The blue-haired boy assured, "I've had lunch with him"

The girl smirked, and Taichi immediately brought up their talks, chattering like only he could do. The only thing that he avoided mentioning was their missing friend, which Ken instantly noticed. Apparently the two had divorced themselves from the third person to complete the trio, question was why. Ken had some theories that he –now knowing better- kept to himself.

Well-raised boy as he was, he listened to the brown-eyed teen's pointless and quite random rambling until he had to get to class. He then quickly excused himself and hurried away to get there in time. Manners and punctuality often had a way of crashing with each other.

Taichi turned to the redhead and grinned widely. "Great kid, huh? Little weird though. He spies on people"

"…yeah." Sora replied hesitatingly, eyeing him.

Taichi's gaze rested on something behind her, and, noticing the change in his face -which was a day to night kind of difference- she turned around.

"Ah… I don't think you should say anything to him…" Taichi mumbled, eyes still glued to the blond musician who was making his way through the hall, soon about to pass them. The unfazed and somewhat distant expression on his face made her frown, raising an eyebrow at the tense teen beside her, as if he would be the one to explain. Ignoring his advice, she threw an arm up, waving.

"Matt!"

He merely glanced her way before passing her, turning his back to her shocked stare. After a few seconds of gaping, she looked at Taichi who looked both guilty and embarrassed.

"What the hell was that?" she gasped, still in shock. Sure, she had grown used to the blond acting strange, but this was a new record.

"Nothing. He' just like that, forget him." Taichi mumbled, desperately searching for something else to bring up.

"Hey, ah… I saw this girl the other day…"

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The second he could make Yamato's face out he knew he'd done something wrong. He cursed inwardly, angry with himself. It hadn't even begun and already he had made a mistake. When would he learn?

"You do not wait for me like that." Yamato said as he passed by, not even looking at him. Taichi stared as the blond walked pass him, feeling like killing himself. Why couldn't he have just done it right and then everything would've worked? He had one chance and he fucked it up.

Not having the strength to move, he watched the musician walk home –for no reason. It was over.

There was a moment of regret when he saw the other teen turn around and glare at him. Maybe he shouldn't have stared like that.

"What the fuck are you waiting for?" the blond boy then said, loud enough to be heard by the brunet still standing where he had waited in the first place. At first he was just confused. Then fear of making another mistake built up in him. Yamato's impatient look forced him to take a ridiculously hesitant step forward. As soon as he'd done that, the blue-eyed boy nodded and turned around, once again starting to walk home.

-'-

Taichi smiled faintly as he walked down the stairs. He'd made him scream. Not once had he yelled at him or even frowned. Hell, he almost smiled once! Taichi hadn't lost focus, he hadn't said a word, and his timing was prefect. Plus they were done in time, so Yamato didn't even have to worry about his dad. Though he did rush afterwards anyway. But that didn't matter. What mattered was that he'd actually done everything right.

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Monday 10.45 A.M.

When a person keeps looking at you for a very long time and doesn't say anything, you really start noticing things about them. Especially if it's a very strange look they're giving you and their mouth is hanging open just a little, and their eyes are slightly bigger than usual. What he noticed about Sora as she was staring at him, was that her eyelashes were actually pretty long even though she never put mascara on them, and her eyes were not just the color of amber. They had both darker, almost sangria-colored shades and lighter golden glimmerings. Even though she had frozen in that rather amusing expression, different reflections of light made everything mix and blur. It was confusing as hell once he tried to define it all. Frustrated for no particular reason, he gave up on it and observed the skin instead. Again, as he paid more attention to it than he ever had before, he discovered new things. It was slightly yellowish and yet sort of pink and slightly sun-burnt. Though right now it seemed almost pale. Her mouth was still hanging open and, being a few inches taller than her, he could see a bit of the inside of her lower lip. There was a line right were the lips met, and the inside was darker than the outside. As she never used lip-gloss either, the outside looked pretty dry and he could spot very fine lines hinting lack of moisture.

Taichi had known Sora for about eight years and only once had he liked her as a girl and not just a friend. But that lasted for one day and no more. He had never had any distracting attraction towards her but still, right now he realized how much more interesting her face was compared to the plastic-looking ones on TV. He decided that Sora –even now, as she seriously looked like an idiot- was way more beautiful than any other girl he'd seen.

-'-

"…you did what?!"

Taichi ducked his head, avoiding her unforgiving eyes. He couldn't understand why she was so against it. He and Yamato finally had something, and she hated it! Why?

Something suddenly struck him, and he almost jumped back in horror. Sora raised an eyebrow, now looking more suspicious than angry. When he pointed an accusing finger at her, still not managing to speak, she frowned. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"You're jealous!" Taichi hissed, and now it was his turn to gape.

Sora gaped right back for a second, then put a hand to her forehead, sighing darkly. One sentence was trapped behind her gritting teeth, desperate to jump out. But she was used to suppress it and she did, even though this time it was more difficult than usual.

"Tai, you're wasting my time. Just tell me why the hell you did it." She demanded lowly, frustrated that he was so stubborn.

"I'm wasting your time? Sora, will you drop this already! Will you let me live my fucking life and stop pretending that you know everything." He clenched his fists, determined to not give in. "Or deserve to know, for that matter" he added coldly. "It was just an accident that you found out in the first place. We wouldn't have told you if you didn't."

Sora closed her eyes, fighting the urge to choke him. He deserves the effort, he's just blind right now. Help him.

"Tai, please…"

He immediately softened, and sat down beside her. He'd always been a stubborn person, but he couldn't stand it when people got sad. The times he had cried the hardest as a child, were when someone else was crying. Sora knew this weakness, and right now she took advantage of it. Fair? She didn't give a shit.

"I just want you to talk to me. Even if everything's fine. Don't just avoid it."

"Sora, please. Let it go, will you?" he stared at the wall, as if that was what he was begging to get off his back. From his left, Sora's frustrated gaze buried itself into him. She hardly stopped herself from smacking him across the head.

"No, we're talking about it and that's final! I still don't get this. He doesn't want you to talk to him, look at him, be near him or even think about him. But then after school he demands you to-"

"No, its just… we've both realized that we want this, that… y'know-"

"You rather sleep with guys?" Sora finished, smirking at him. Until now, it had never been put out in the open, but it was rather obvious that Taichi preferred boys over girls. Or at least wanted both.

He shrugged. "…yeah. And I took it way better than him to say the least. But we can't be anything deeper than…" he paused, hanging his head and sighing.

"Fuck-buddies?"

He winced, closing his eyes. Sora stood up, running her fingers through her short red hair. Seeing the brown-eyed boy like this was irritating her. Not because he irritated her, but because he was suffering from his own stupid kindness and she couldn't help him. He was like a little puppy following his owner no matter how many times he got hit. She looked down at him where he was sitting on the bench. They were in the sports hall; the current class were having football outside on the field and wouldn't return until the end of the period. Sora had dragged him over there since Taichi refused to talk to her about this out in the hall.

It was obviously a sensitive subject and he wanted to avoid it. But she was not going to let him. If he told her everything, he could at least put some of the weight on her and not carry it by himself.

"Can't you hear yourself? Stop being a such doormat!"

He glared at her, anger building up. He knew that she was just trying to help and up until now he had looked past her constant nagging. But the way she was acting right now –like she had him all figured out and angry with him for not getting it himself- was something he couldn't stand.

"Will you for once realize that I'm not like you! I won't break just because he doesn't want to be my boyfriend and marry me and tell me he loves me everyday! I don't care, alright! I know sex to you is such a fucking big deal but to us it's just release. Sure it would be nice to have it with someone I care about but right now I don't fucking need it! We're not friends anymore, but I have someone to screw and for your information –since you apparently want to know everything- he's fucking good at it too! The only thing that seriously bugs me right now is you and your big mouth!"

He stormed out, punching the wall, knocking some box down and slamming the door on the way. If Sora hadn't felt so jaded she would've rolled her eyes.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

tbc

[kaspbrak-eddie]

Here is the second chapter of my dad!Richie / teacher!Eddie fic! It’s a little shorter than the last one, and a little more angsty. Enjoy :)

Pairing: Reddie

Other chapters:  1 | 2 | 3 | 3.5 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 

Read on AO3

Words: 1,705

Chapter 2

Over the next few weeks, Richie started coming to pick Sarah up from school more often. Normally, as Eddie learned, Richie had meetings at the radio station that got done right around (usually after) school pick up time, and that was why they’d never seen each other. Richie’s mother, who helped him out with Sarah from time to time, picked her up from school most days and got her settled at home until Richie arrived a little later. He could take her to school in the mornings, dropping her off an hour early with before-school care so he could do his morning talk show at the radio station. Richie had told Eddie that his mornings with Sarah were the best part of his days, and he’d been ducking out of meetings early so he could pick her up (as well as to “say hi to the cutest teacher ever”).

So February turned into March, and parent-teacher conferences were a few days away. Richie had now been picking Sarah up from school every day; Eddie thought it had been at least two weeks since he’d seen Sarah’s grandmother. He sometimes wondered how Richie hadn’t gotten in trouble at work for missing meetings, but when he asked, Richie always just shrugged and said something vague about how “They’d never fire me. I’m the best they’ve got.” (Eddie agreed, but he thought that may be slightly biased). It had been a little over a month of this almost daily flirting, and Eddie couldn’t help but be a little excited for conferences; any excuse to spend time with Richie gave him butterflies in his stomach.

The day before conferences, when Richie picked Sarah up after school, he didn’t loiter for as long as usual, simply saying “Can’t wait for tomorrow night…” and winking before taking Sarah and heading home. Eddie was slightly disappointed, as Richie usually hung out and kept him company while the rest of the kids waited for their rides–Sarah was almost always the last kid from Eddie’s class to go home. As he stood there alone, waiting for the last few stragglers to get picked up, he let his mind wander. He liked Richie, and wow did he think Richie was one of the most beautiful people he’d ever had the pleasure of seeing, but he wasn’t sure of Richie’s intentions. The whole situation was slightly weird, he was Richie’s kid’s teacher–Richie had a kid. Richie had a kid. A kid who was very obviously his, she looked so much like him that Eddie knew it would be painful to see her every day if Richie didn’t actually like him the way Eddie had convinced himself he did over the last month. He’d obviously had sex with at least one woman, so he probably wasn’t gay. What if this whole time what Eddie had thought was flirting had just been Richie’s boisterous personality–he was a radio talk show host after all, so he was a pretty loud, charming guy.

After this realization, Eddie had spent the better part of the evening essentially just losing his shit. He went through every detail of every interaction he could remember from the last month, trying to figure out if he had been projecting his own feelings for Richie, but he couldn’t clear anything up himself. It felt like all of his memories were distorted from the butterflies Richie gave him every time they were together. As he went to sleep that night, he just hoped the next day would be a good opportunity to figure out how the other man felt–apparently Richie had a similar idea.

“Okay so what the fuck are we doing here.” Richie blurted out immediately after sitting down across from Eddie, the two alone in his classroom.

“Um… I–I just, I don'tknowwhat–” Eddie stammered, taken aback.

“Sorry that was a little aggressive.” Richie chuckled softly, leaning forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. “Let’s just start over and pretend I didn’t say that,” Richie was blushing now, “maybe just have a normal parent-teacher conference? How’s Sarah been doing?”

“Okay, this is a question I actually know the answer to.” Eddie laughed. “She’s doing amazing, as if that’s even something that you weren’t sure of already. She’s the perfect kid, I don’t know how you did it.” Eddie smiled, shaking his head.

“She really is… to be honest with you I have no fucking idea either.” Richie said, beaming. “She’s nothing like what I was like when I was a kid–my mom reminds me of that every day. I was a handful… I still am.”

“It’s nice that your mom is so involved in her life. Sarah talks about her sometimes, it’s really sweet.”

“Yeah, my mom always wanted a girl, so when I told my parents I’d knocked up my girlfriend and that I’d be bringing home a baby girl they were quick to offer a lot of help–which was good, I really fuckin needed it. I had no clue what I was doing.” Richie replied fondly.

“Well she’s turned out wonderfully,” Eddie said, “I honestly don’t even think we needed to have a parent-teacher conference. She is the most well-behaved child in the class, plus we see each other pretty much every day.”

“Yeah, speaking of that…” Richie started, and Eddie could tell that he was nervous: he was looking down, suddenly very interested in the pattern of the fake wood paneling on the top of Eddie’s desk. He ran a hand through his messy hair before speaking again, “I was thinking I’d kinda like to see a little more of you… maybe? Like outside of a Sarah setting? Maybe we could get dinner sometime? …Just us?” Richie, who had been avoiding eye contact the whole time he spoke, finally looked up at Eddie through thick lashes, his deep brown eyes searching Eddie’s almost desperately.

Eddie died. This was all he’d been wanting for the last month but he knew there was no way it could work, at least not right now–the school had rules about this sort of thing. Eddie had been hoping to clear things up a bit today, but he really hadn’t been expecting Richie to be so forward. He sat there lost in thought for a little too long, which he realized when Richie cleared his throat and said awkwardly “Oh my god, I’ve been totally reading this wrong… I’m so embarrassed thought you were-”

“Gay? I am.” Eddie interrupted.

“I was just going to say flirting with me… but if that’s not what’s been happening…” Richie let himself trail off, blushing and avoiding eye contact again.

“No I definitely have been when I definitely should not have been.” Eddie said, looking down at his hands.

“Then why are we fucking around? Go to dinner with me.” Richie said, a little more confidently than he had the last time.

Eddie looked up, devastated when he saw Richie’s hopeful face. “We can’t.” He said so quietly it was almost inaudible.

Richie’s face fell and it broke Eddie’s heart right then and there. “Why? Because you’re my kid’s teacher? Fuck that.”

“The school has rules about this sort of thing. You can’t date the parent of a kid in your class. I could lose my job.”

Richie countered, “That’s bullshit. What if we just don’t tell anyone?”

Eddie smiled, “You have a six year-old daughter, six year-olds aren’t exactly notorious for being the best at keeping secrets.”

“We can figure that out later,” Richie sighed, “She doesn’t have to know right away.”

“Richie, I think we both know that she is smart enough to figure shit out on her own. We shouldn’t.”

“We MUST. I NEED to go on a date with you, Eds.” Richie said, in that almost joking tone he’d used before, but his eyes always betrayed his thoughts: He was begging.

“Richie.” Eddie pleaded, “Maybe in another world where I wasn’t Sarah’s teacher, and we’d met through a mutual friend or whatever bullshit way people meet nowadays, things would have worked out. But as of right now this would just get us both in trouble.”

Richie abruptly scooted his chair back from the desk, the legs scraping against the tile floor loudly. “Well, I’m glad my daughter is doing well in school. This has been a very informative conference, Mr. Kaspbrak, have a nice rest of your evening.” Eddie just put his head on his desk and held his tears back until he heard the door close.

The following day was the day before spring break, and Eddie couldn’t have been more grateful. After the emotionally exhausting evening that had been parent-teacher conferences, he needed the week off to decompress. He had big plans to watch Netflix all week, only moving from his bed to his living room and back again. As the school day drew to a close, none of the kids could sit still, so he decided to just let them watch an episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy for the last part of the day. After he started the show and turned the lights off, he returned to his desk and scanned around the room to make sure everyone was paying attention. His eyes fell on Sarah, arms crossed over her desk, her little head nestled on them; huge eyes watching the screen intently from behind her glasses. He had been right about how painful it would be to see her, but it wasn’t for the same reason he’d been worried about–this one was much worse. 

When he took the class outside at the end of the day, Sarah stuck close by him as usual, and once most of the kids had left, he felt a soft tap on his arm. He looked down to see Sarah looking up at him with sad eyes, “Do you think Daddy is running late?” she asked.

“I’m sure he’s coming, sweetheart. He always does.” Eddie said back reassuringly. Except, today, he didn’t come. Maggie Tozier did. Sarah had just skipped off happily to her grandmother and told Eddie to have a good spring break, leaving him standing there in a heartbreak of his own making.

tag list: @mtvreddie, @anniiidk, @beep-beep-richuce

(let me know if you want to be added!)

[ncfan-1]

Gotham 04X19, ‘To Our Deaths and Beyond’

So… Episode 4X19 is playing on April 19th. Are they trying to be clever? This is Gotham.

- We open with Barbara looking at the horrible anachronistic painting, only to be attacked, presumably by the faction of the League of Assassins that abducted Tabitha. And it’s not. Apparently, it’s her own faction, and this was some sort of test, which she failed.

- Bruce and Selina are taking proto-Batmobile for a spin. Tabitha has summoned them. Glad the show remembers Selina is supposed to be in a girl gang with Tabitha and Barbara, and it seems also to have remembered that Bruce has good reason to be wary of Tabitha.

- They head into… a church. Where Ra’s’s dead body awaits. Bruce is not pleased. Neither is Selina, for that matter.

- And apparently Ra’s can be brought back to life by feeding him the blood of someone who’s dealt him a mortal blow. So I guess we’re just not going to talk about the Lazarus Pits?

- Five banks were robbed in one night. And it seems Jim just jumped to assuming it was Ed, without much in the way of evidence.

- Ed doesn’t seem especially impressed he’s not keeping the money.

- “What am I to you?” Lee, be very careful how you proceed. He killed the first woman he was in a relationship with, and I’d bet good odds that if Oswald hadn’t killed Isabella, Ed would have eventually done it himself.

- I smell a double-cross.

- And Oswald and Butch have showed up of their own accord.

- Ra’s is awake. Everyone regrets this.

- And now Ra’s wants to kill Barbara, since it’s clear she won’t give him the Demon’s Head willingly. That’s an interesting turn-around. Did he never care about her, or is he willing to kill her because unless he does, he’s going to be stuck as a reanimated rotting corpse?

- Ed is of course resistant to the very idea of owing anyone anything.

- Oswald seems somewhat ambivalent towards Lee.

- Oswald is about as impressed by Ed x Lee as I thought he’d be. He’s right in that Lee is obviously stringing him along. I swear, when Oswald said “I thought you’d gotten over this”, I thought he was going to follow up with “I thought you’d gotten past the idea that you were straight.”

- Ra’s and Barbara meet back up. Ra’s isn’t impressed with what Barbara’s planning, but buddy, if you wanted someone who’d stick to your vision, you should have chosen someone in the League. She was always an outsider, and never interested in following convention for all the time that you knew her. You should have seen this coming a mile away.

- And it turns out that Ra’s cared about Barbara even less than I thought he did. And the woman in the portrait was a sex worker whom Ra’s killed “out of pity.” …Nice to know. (No, it’s not. That was the grossest rationale imaginable, unless this was an assisted suicide, which I seriously doubt that it was.) Also, the use of the word “whore”—with clothes like that, however anachronistic they are, she’s more likely to have been a courtesan after the meaning of that word shifted to its current meeting than she was a more lower-class sex worker.

- Ra’s kills all of Barbara’s faction (ugh; fuck you, Gotham, I was actually looking forward to the idea that you might develop these people as opposed to killing them) and is saved in the knick of time by Bruce and co. Bruce looks like he’s in the middle of a PTSD flashback, poor kid.

- People are eating… I didn’t get a good look at them, but I think they were cigarette butts, as part of a competition. Because poor people have no standards, and all that.

- “Haven’t seen Ed in weeks.” Strictly speaking, no.

- Lee doesn’t have time for Jim anymore. Mercifully. After everything that’s happened, she really shouldn’t.

- Thank you, Mr. Curator, for pointing out the knife never rightfully belonged to people who stole it through imperialistic garbage. I actually muted past that because I figured this exchange was going to be too cringe-worthy to actually listen to; sorry. Gotta say, the poor curator looks absolutely horrified.

- Now he’s feigning a heart attack? And Selina’s dropped in through a skylight on a wire.

- Well, I feel vaguely slimy just watching that scene with the mute on. Can’t imagine what it would have been like to watch it with the sound on.

- And now we get to see the flipside of Bad Ed in the mirror. And we get to see how self-centered Ed really is.

- Poor Selina.

- Ed seems to be setting Oswald up for something. You won’t convince me that he isn’t setting Oswald up.

- And some of Barbara’s faction are still alive. Good.

- And Selina just got kicked out. And then Barbara admits right after that Selina’s got a point, and Barbara and Tabitha have a genuinely nice moment for once.

- Alfred comments that at least Bruce won’t have to kill this time. Selina shows up and speaks the truth. And Alfred actually agrees with her about something??? That’s two episodes in a row, now!

- “Why does it always have to be about sides?” Oh, Selina, sweetheart. Selina, deep down, is someone who just wants her loved ones to get along. Torn between everyone in her “family”, she can’t ever find a path that makes everone happy.

- Also, I think the gun in Barbara’s hand probably played a part in why Selina gave her the knife.

- Jim’s finally waking up to what the real evil in Gotham is. About fucking time.

- And now the first of tonight’s double-crosses takes effect.

- Back at the Sirens… Standoff! Zombie Ra’s has showed up.

- …I can’t tell if Ra’s is being genuine or not.

- A pity that thing with the knife didn’t take. It was a good moment.

- And Barbara has finally unlocked one of the powers of the Head of the Demon—the gift of foresight (Sorry, I am a Tolkien nerd).

- And now Ra’s has a knife to Tabitha’s throat. Oh, wait, it was an illusion. But the scene snaps back, and Barbara gives it up to save Tabitha. Thank you for finally make this ship somewhat decent again.

- Ra’s has been restored to his Alexander Siddig face. Bruce tries to convince him to do ye old assisted suicide, but Ra’s decides he likes being alive again, and breaks the knife and flees.

- I’m glad Alexander Siddig’s back. I missed him.

- And our second double-cross of the night. “No grudge against you.” Apparently, Isabella is completely forgotten. Poor woman.

- Ed x Lee is still really glurgey.

- Lee, remember again, he killed Kristen--you know, your friend?--and probably would’ve killed Isabella eventually.

- And now the cops are here because you two stopped to talk.

- Ed was prepared to be the distraction, which is probably the closest he’ll ever come to genuinely caring for someone. But Lee does it instead—reeling him in further, even though he knows she’s using him.

- And Lee gives herself up to the cops, seeming less than troubled about what’s going on.

- And Barbara seems to have been cleaning the club up… while wearing a bustier and tights for some reason. Why? Barbara isn’t the sort of person to clean anything, let alone in what is possibly fetish gear. When she was growing up, there were probably servants for that, and she probably hired a cleaning service to clean her S1 apartment.

- Barbara’s old faction shows up, and reveal that because she was willing to give up the Demon’s Head for another’s sake, she is still worthy, even if she doesn’t have it anymore. This… I hate it, but this actually makes me kinda happy. Not entirely happy, because Leila still doesn’t have a personality, but eh.

- “You did good today.” “So did you.” Aww.

- Ra’s shows up. He seems oddly tolerant of Selina’s defiance.

- “I saw a vision of a cataclysmic event.” After all the shit that this city goes through, it’s a wonder anyone who has the ability to get out hasn’t already.

- So the next episode’s in two weeks. That’s convenient, since my finals run from next Friday to next Tuesday.

[maybeyapping]

The Five Stages of Falling In Love by Edward Elric

People tell you that there are 5 stages of grief, but what they don’t tell you is that there are 5 stages of falling for someone.

 Hi, I’m a linguistics and science major at Royal Amestris, and I’ve fallen in love with my novelist Best Friend, Naomi Brighton.

 Perhaps you’ve heard of her, she wrote the groundbreaking Soul Cross triology, and a series called Koralyne, which revolves around a closeted trans lesbian. I’ve won a few awards for my projects too, but nothing she has.

 Anyways, I think I should get back to the story. Here’s stage one.

 1.       Encounter

 It was a sunny day, way too hot for my mechanic leg to rest comfortably on my skin. I was sipping a milkshake while sitting in my town’s local library, Books n’ Cookies. The name really suited the place, since it was a sort of safe haven for homeless guys, or LGBT folk hiding from family members or homophobic friends. They didn’t charge you for the cookies, at least in money. If you want a cookie and a drink, all you had to do was show your receipt for borrowing a book.

 Sheska, my classmate, was the one who first introduced it to me, and wow, I’m glad she did.

 Anyway, I was sipping the white, icy, beverage, when the door’s bell chimed. I was sitting at the tiny café area, flipping through a YA novel written in my target language, French. It was about an Asexual Biromantic girl, learning how to understand how Homophobia originated. Naomi walked past me at first, and ordered a drink and a cake. She then walked past my table, and she must’ve read an entire paragraph before saying: “The Girl and The Homophobes? Good choice. A LGBT Classic.” I looked up, and scanned her appearance. She was wearing a red headband, a light blue cardigan over a white blouse, a jean skirt with multiple LGBT and fandom badges; biromatic, demisexual, Percy Jackson, Zelda, Voltron, and some of her own merch. She was also sporting white sneakers on which she had painted the words ‘I’m Here and I’m Queer’ over them both. Her left leg was made of the same metal which my right one was created with. She had light brown skin, which reminded me of Professor Miles, freckles, deep black hair, and steely silver eyes.

 “Wh—oh, yeah. You know it?” I spluttered after a moment. She laughed, and leaned against the table, “Know it?” she asked, “I wrote it!” I gaped, “Seriously?” she laughed simply, nodding, “Yeah. It’s the first thing I’ve published,” she supplied. I nodded, eyes wide and lips parted slightly. “It’s good,” I said, “have you published anything else since?” Naomi nodded, “I’ve written the Soul Cross Legends book, and the short story Petrified.” My jaw dropped, “Seriously!? I love Petrified!” Naomi laughed, and nodded to the chair in front of me, “May I?” she asked. I nodded, a little surprised she wanted to continue talking.

 She sat down and unpacked her macbook. I whistled, “sweet.” Naomi rolled her eyes, “Only one of the perks of being a semi popular author,” I clicked my tongue, “Semi? Dude, my entire linguistics class loves your books. You should start your own library.” Naomi barked a laugh, “What? I wouldn’t make any money with that! I don’t even have enough books to fill a library.” I propped my arm on the table, “But you could.” “Do you have any idea how long it takes to write a book?” “No, but I bet you’ll tell me.” “Petrified took two years, with character creation and research. I asked people with PTSD and war veterans to write Gabby.” I whistled appreciatively, “That’s commitment.” Naomi huffed, starting up her macbook, “Or is it just proper representation?” She asked, at my widened eyes she chuckled: “I asked my trans lesbian friend on Koralyne too, so don’t underestimate my ability to do the proper research.”

 I raised my arms defensively, “Alright, I won’t. You’ve proven yourself worthy, bookworm,” I joked. Naomi laughed, “If I’m bookworm,” she pointed at the Bill Nye The Science Guy badge on my sweatshirt, “Does that make you Science Prince?” I laughed, “That’s better than Alchemy Prince,” Naomi giggled, tilting her head, “What’d you do to earn that name?” I groaned, rolling my eyes, “I held a presentation in High School about Alchemy Theory, and I’m researching it now, I got the name from my High School science teacher,” I grinned, “Man, Mrs. Curtis was an amazing teacher, always encouraged me and my brother.” Naomi smiled, “You have a brother?” I nodded. “He’s a year younger than me, studying linguistics and history currently.” Naomi sighed, leaning on her palm, “Wow that’s so cool. I can’t afford going to college, so I work at a cozy little Library.” Her smirk told me that yes, I work here.  

 We ended up talking for two more hours, and exchanging numbers.

 That was how I met my best friend.

  2.       Friendship

I’ll be honest, I hadn’t noticed I’d befriended her until she invited me to play Zelda with her at her apartment. It was a larger apartment uptown, and the mailbox in the entry hall had three names pasted onto it: Brighton, Alvarez and Mckinnon. I guessed Alvarez and Mckinnon were her roommates. I knocked on her door on the 6th floor, and let her pull me inside. She jumped over her couch and crashed onto it with a muffled ‘POOMPF’.  I dropped my bag onto the floor and fell onto the couch. She had moved to sit in front of it, cross legged, controller on her lap. “Welcome,” she said, as I lied on the couch, “to El Palacio de la diversidad, The Palace of Diversity.” I chuckled, “How diverse can it be with three people?” “You’d be surprised,” she said cockily, “Lysanna is Latinx, Cuban, to be exact, Ashley is from Cherokee decent. My parents moved to France two generations ago, then, my parents moved to madrid and I was born there. Then, I came here with Lys and Ash.” I whistled, “A woman of many cultures I see.” “Not to mention the diversity in sexuality and gender; I’m Demisexual and Bi, Ash is Pan and trans, Lys is queer.” I raised a brow, “just queer?” Naomi nodded, pressing buttons on her remote, “yep, she’s still trying to figure it out, but she has dated men, women, in between – basically, she’s seen it all.” I laughed, “Seriously?” Naomi giggled, “Yep! Without her I doubt Ash would be so confident today.” I tilted my head, “And you?”

 She froze. Her muscles tightened (and believe me, there was a lot to tighten), and her nostrils flared. Her eyes turned steely, “I don’t think anyone can help me recover from my lost pride.”  For a moment, I simply stared at her. When I inhaled, ready to ask her ‘Why’s that’, she bolted up. “I’ll be right back,” she said, and waved. Then, she disappeared down the hall. As she was absent, I looked at the polaroids decorating the walls, shelves and tables. There was a white string above the kitchen counter, as well as the TV. On all pictures stood Naomi, with two other girls, sometimes just one, other times Naomi wasn’t depicted. There was a pink polaroid camera on the shelf above the TV, next to it a picture of a girl with brown skin, dark brown curly hair, and sparkling green eyes. In pink marker the white area of the picture read, ‘I’m better than you at everything, but above all else: sex. –Lys’ There was a manuscript of The Girl And The Homophobes, next to it was a picture of Naomi in a bright blue, flower printed sundress and straw hat. It read: ‘Feelings aren’t sensible. People don’t make sense, and love doesn’t either. The people who do, are often times the wrong ones. – Nao’ the last item was a mannequin head, on which orange cat-ear headphones rested. The polaroid taped to the mannequin had a picture of a girl with light brown hair, dark red eyes and brown skin, and scars along her arms. She was wearing an orange sweatshirt-vest, and black jeans. It read ‘I have a free life long trial of feeling okay. –Ash, 2017’

 Just then, Naomi returned. She was holding a blue, white and silver bracelet that she had made herself. It was made of wool, one of those classic friendship bracelets that were popular a few years ago. She must’ve noticed the ones I wore, green and blue from Winry, a brown and gold one from Al, a yellow, white and gold one from Ling, a green and black one from Lan Fan, the list went on. “Here,” she said, handing it to me, “This is for you. A gift.” I took it, eyes blown wide, “Thanks.” Naomi smiled, and sat down again. “I consider us friends, you know.” I hummed, “That’s good to know, Bookworm.” After a moment of silence, the only sound coming from her controller, I added: “I consider us friends, too.”

 She grinned, silver eyes sparkling with delight.

 3.       Trust

She hadn’t come to the Library that day. That set me off. “Don’t worry about it, Brother,” Al had said, “She was probably just feeling under the weather.” I had hummed, but I didn’t believe it. She normally texted me if she wasn’t feeling well, so this was new. I left Al when he began talking to Mei, and ran uptown – to Naomi’s apartment.

 I bounded up the stairs and knocked on the apartment door. At least, I slid to a halt before it, just as the door opened and a familiar face exited. “Hm? Ed? What are you doing here?” Lys asked, green eyes glittering curiously. “Naomi didn’t show today,” I said, “Just wanted to check that she’s okay.” Lys deflated, green eyes turning dark. “She’s in her room,” she said grimly, “last door on the right. She’s…she needs someone she can trust.” I frowned, “And it’s not you?” Lys smiled sadly, “I’m not you, apparently.” With that, she dropped the apartment key into my hand and left.

 I unlocked the door and stepped inside. After dropping the key in it’s holder on the dresser next to the door, I headed towards Naomi’s room. There was a whiteboard pinned to the door, and the quote had been written with wet marker: “Dying is Easy, Living is Harder –Lin Manuel Miranda” From behind the door I heard coughing and broken sobs. I pushed the door open carefully, and my eyes flew over Naomi, wrapped in a bi pride flag blanket, curled up into a ball, sobbing uncontrollably.

 I slowly walked to her bed and sat down. She continued to cry until I placed my hand on her head tentatively. She stopped sobbing, and moved her head to my lap. “What happened?” I asked, voice quiet. Naomi hiccupped, “M-My step mom…I-I thought…I thought she—she had texted me…” I was no mind reader, but I guessed she didn’t like her step mom much. The way she avoided talking about her ‘Family’, I could only guess that she was the victim of Homophobia, Sexism, Abuse, or all of the above. I pet her head, and whispered, “I’m here. You’re safe.” I wanted to say ‘You’re safe,’ but I couldn’t lie to her, and I didn’t know if it really was safe. She coughed. “I’m…I’m sorry, I’m bad at this.” I said. “J-Just…cuddle?” she sobbed, and I froze. After a moment my shock morphed into a smile, “Sure.” I said, crawling into bed next to her.

 We lied in silence, me cradling her in my arms. I found we did this a lot, acting like a couple, even though we weren’t. I never did this with anyone else, it was something only Naomi knew of me.

 Suddenly, she spoke: “I was 7 when Ash told me she thought my mom was abusive,” I froze, my hand stopped stroking her back, “It wasn’t until I was 11 that the police did something. I was put in a foster home. I thought…I thought mom’s hit their kids, and that they refused to feed them when they got bad grades. I though Mrs Mckinnon was the weird one.” Ashley Mckinnon saved Naomi. That was a fact I knew then. I pulled her closer and whispered, “You’re free now. You’re here.” Naomi hummed, the vibration resonating through my body, “To this day, I flinch everytime someone gets really angry.” I frowned, I knew that. I had been on the ‘really angry’ side of the situation sometimes.

 “I won’t let her hurt you again,” I said, “I know Ash and Lys won’t either.” Naomi nodded, and grasped my shirt. “Thanks,” she husked, “Thanks Ed.”

 4.       Recognition/Acceptance

It was simple, really.

 It was such a small thing, I’m surprised I didn’t notice it sooner. We were sitting at the library café, laughing, joking, talking, brainstorming fic and novel ideas. Her eyes crinkled, and her grin was wide. Her gray eyes were sparkling, and looked like pure silver, she was curling a strand of hair around her fingers, her raid nails creating a contrast to her black hair. Had her eyes always been such an indescribable shade between silver and blue? I wasn’t sure.

 I felt my face grow hot, the warmth spreading to my ears when she began to play with her red earrings. Red reminds me of you, she had said when buying them with me, so I’ll be sure to always think of you when I wear these.

 Remembering that sent electricity through my body.

 Oh no.

  5.      Confession

We were on the Central City Pier, our feet dangling over the edge as the sky painted the sea in dark shades of blue under the setting sky. The sky was dipped shades of red, blue and purple. She was wearing shorts and a blue bikini top. A red ribbon held her braid together.

 She was smiling, licking her strawberry ice cream. Her lips were red from the cold, but she never shivered. She looked at me, and I whipped my head away. I felt hot from my nose to my ears, and then she did something that made me grow hot all over:

 She touched my ear.

 I turned around and she pulled her hand back. “You’re warm,” she said, silver eyes blown wide. The wind picked up and brushed her hair into a frazzled mess. I probably looked just as disheveled. “Mhm,” I hummed, glaring at the horizon. Naomi pouted, and scooted nearer. She studied the side of my face as I sipped my slushie. I felt my cheeks heat up. She tilted her head. “What’s wrong with you? You look like the sun just ruined Al’s surprise Birthday party.” I rolled my eyes and glared at Naomi. She smiled, “Now you look like I missed an expertly planned Chemistry pun.” “That’s how I feel, too.” Naomi laughed, “Oh yeah? Pray tell, what did I miss?”

 I glared at my slushie, now, and felt the heat spread down my neck. “You’re such a hypocrite,” I deadpanned, making her squeak indigilantly, “You call me oblivious while being 100% clueless yourself.” Naomi frowned, “What do you mean?” She got on all fours and stared at me intently. I looked at her, which was a mistake. Her face was positioned in a way that it was nearly impossible not to look down her shirt. I cursed, then turned to her. I grabbed her arms and pulled her into a sitting position.

 “Are you stupid?” I asked, “or just in denial?” Naomi deflated. “Denial,” she hummed, “I just don’t get how you could possibly have a crush on me.” I scowled, “Hell if I know. You’re cute I guess.” She laughed airily, “You guess?” I shrugged, releasing her. After a minute, she said: “How can you be in love with a fuck up like me?” “If with fuck up you mean you fuck me up, then, easy, you just…do.” Naomi smiled, and intertwined our fingers, “Can you help me love myself again?” I looked at our hands, face hot, “I can try. No, I…I promise I will.” Naomi laughed, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” “I only make ones I can.”

 I hadn’t realized how much her words affected me (and vice versa) until that moment.

 Then, she pushed me against the pier and kissed me.

[diariesofabuggygirl]

It's only when I get better and then worse again that I realize how sick I am. If your average person woke up feeling like this they'd go to the ER. Especially considering all of the neurological symptoms.

Floating lights in my eyes? It'll probably go away. Can't move my left leg today? It'll be better in a few hours. Have to consciously remember to breathe? Eh it'll fix itself.

I just went back through all my Facebook pictures. After crying over missing my baby girl Millie some more, I started wondering how long after I crashed I got to the point I was able to hang out with my friends again.

It seems to have started about May 2009. Slowed down towards the end of 2010 and completely stopped mid 2011.

So it looks like there was about a year and half of being able to see friends about once a week. I started going to church when I felt like it. It was good to have a set date where whether I felt well enough to go or not it didn't effect it.

When I got sick all the friends I had had almost immediately fell off the earth. I know they were 11/12 too but man. I really think I'd have done more. It's was really odd that it seemed like the less I knew people the more they did for me.

A girl I barely spoke to got the whole grade to sign a huge card. One friend who wasn't in my class and I didn't get to spend much time with sent me a couple letters. Meanwhile the friends I was still in contact with let rumors fly around that I was dead or pregnant. Maybe they didn't know that was going around, but you'd think they'd have told people something.

My mom's friend brought us dinner a couple of times. My aunt and cousins gave me a couple of presents. My grandparents brought dinner every couple of months. That was it. No one else showed support. At all.

I had a friend who'd been my bff since kindergarten. She invited me to her birthday parties for about three years after. Maybe four. We hung out maybe four or five other times.

To be fair to her she was twelve, and I had started hanging out with my church friends. My church friends I hadn't been close to before I was sick. But when everyone else disappeared we started talking online, and when I started going to church we hung out in person.

I don't know if I hurt the first girls feelings or not. But either way, when you've been best friends with someone for almost ten years, I don't think it's cool to just drop off the edge of the earth when things go to shit.

A couple of years ago I reached out to her, her sister, and her mom. All of whom I'd been extremely close to. We were together every weekend. Her mom was my second mom. The mom had been very nice when I was temporarily diagnosed with the same illness as her. She'd helped me a lot. Just to see someone who was also mentally ill living a full life was huge. When I reached out years later though the two daughters didn't even reply. When I returned to my home town for thanksgiving I ran into her at the store. She saw me wave, waved back and immediately walked away as quickly as possible.

Ironically she was with girls (some of which) I'd been friends with before her. She obviously didn't want them to know that she knew the fat girl in the big blue caftan.

Regardless of how old she'd been when I'd gotten sick, and regardless of whether or not her feelings were hurt by me getting closer to the church friends that had stepped up, at twenty she shouldn't have done that. She should have known better.

But hell, you're better off alone than with people who abandon you when shit gets real.

I don't know how I did what I did in that year and a half. I would do sleepovers, church, sex ed, six hour trips to the mall. I couldn't do that now, and I'm much better than I was. I guess it was just sheer willpower. That day I spent with my friends was what kept me hanging on.

Shout out to Emma who although I rarely talk to anymore and haven't seen in years is still a super supportive friend.

I'd have to stop in the middle of sleepovers or lay down in one of the massage chairs at the mall when I'd feel a seizure coming on. I'd let it run its course and continue my way to the food court. I can't believe I did that.

It'd take a week to recover, just to get to the point where I'd do it all over again. The rest of the week I didn't leave my bed. I wonder now if that really held my healing back. But hell. To this day that's the only IRL social interaction I've had without parental supervision. Without that I'd be really behind socially.

It's incredibly lonely being ill. It wasn't until the last year and half or so that I've started coming out of by bed and sitting in the den for a couple hours with my mom every day. I'm so glad I did, this way I got to spend more time with Millie before she passed.

The people who've shown the most kindness are the people I wasn't close to before or people who I literally didn't know yet. The people who've given the most are the ones with the least to spare. Mostly other spoonies who cant afford the time, energy, and money they've shared.

I'm having a hell of a herx. It's kicking my ass big time, and I've still gotta majorly raise the doses. I'm crying all the time. I can feel my brain rattling around in my head. I'm not waking up until 9pm and I'd sleep longer if I could still see my mom.

As I've gotten older I've seen my younger self as another person. A momma bear comes out. It pisses me off so much that people did that to me. The friends that abandoned me, the doctors and therapists who said there was nothing wrong with me, the teachers and principal who literally turned us into the truancy people (despite us meeting with them and supplying all the paperwork and evidence we were meant to) simply because they were on such a power trip.

I feel like I'm going into another chapter with all of this. I'll be having at least two surgeries this year. In January I'm finally getting an upright MRI to see if I have chiari. The more I read about it the more ridiculous it is to me we haven't already done this. So maybe tonsils out, port in, and brain decompressed.

Whichever chapter this is I hope it's one of or the absolute last one. I'm ready to start a new book. A much healthier one. A much happier one. A much less lonely one.

A happy healthy new year with love and spoons to all of you. Xoxo

Special thanks to the people who've stayed and the people who've joined my team through this. 💚💜💚💜💚💜

[ihavetoomanyocs]

Drunk- Albert Dasilva

Or that modern AU when they drunkenly make out and one of them doesn’t remember it.

Warnings: cussing, sex reference

  Living next to her five best friends was both a blessing and a curse, Elise thought. Three of them lived directly next door. None related but all adopted by the wonderful Medda Larkson, Spot Conlon, named for the cigarette burns that dotted his shoulders, Crutchie Morris, named for the crutches he had to use due to a botched surgery on his leg, and Jack Kelly had been brothers for as long as they’d known each other.

 Those three boys had found each other in the same orphanage, and stuck together. When Medda went to adopt Jack, he made it abundantly clear that he wouldn’t leave without the other two. Medda had been hesitant at first, but after she met the other two boys, fell just as in love with them as she had with Jack, and took all three home. They moved in next to Elise, where she lived with her grandfather, and so started the friendships.

Anthony ‘Racetrack’ Higgins moved in across the street about a year later. His nickname came from his ability to run faster than any of them, always beating them at footraces. Albert moved in next to Race just a few months later. None of them really knew why so many houses were all on sale at the same time, but they were, and when they were older, they would all be grateful.

 As soon as Albert met Elise, his eyes were drawn to hers. They were so blue, that the color rivaled the sky. He started calling her Sky-Eyes, which eventually was shortened to Skye, and the six of them were hardly ever separated. The six usually had different classes from each other, but they always saw each other at recess and lunch. Middle school was much the same way, and was where Specs, JoJo, Kid Blink, and Mush became a part of the group.  Katherine, Sarah, and Davey all joined in high school. And so the group became full, a large group now of 13 friends who all sat at the same lunch table, sat next to each other in classes, and eventually started falling in love with each other.

 Race and Spot were the first to get together. Everyone had seen it coming. Next was Katherine and Jack, and then Kid Blink and Mush. All of them were adorable couples. Race and Spot were that couple that was the funniest. Spot was angry at nearly everything, and Race was this happy-go-lucky guy. The two of them together were like Andy and April from Parks and Recreation. It just worked.

 The smallest shock was when it started becoming painfully obvious that Albert and Skye had huge crushes on each other. Race actually started a betting pool on when they would get together, and was constantly telling the red-head to ask her out… Only to end up comforting a crying ravenette when he inevitably chickened out. Spot and Jack both offered to beat Albert up the first time they saw her crying because of him… Only to be told after words that Race had told Albert to ask her out, and he just kept chickening out.

 Almost everyone started to give up on the two of them by the time they got to college. Most of them decided to just go to New York State. It was easy, it was close, and they could all get their desired degrees. Only a few outlanders stood; Katherine and Davey both got into Harvard, easily, and Sarah went all the way to California. Everyone else stayed, although Race was just getting his bachelor’s and master’s degrees in physics before moving to another college to get his doctorate.

 Most of them got to room together, as well. Kid Blink and Mush, obviously, as well as Race and Spot. Jack roomed with Crutchie, and JoJo with Albert.  Specs roomed with a kid named Romeo, and rightfully so; the kid flirted with everybody. Skye roomed with JoJo’s girlfriend, a nice girl named Mary in the same building. That was the nice thing about co-ed dorms. All of them requested the same building, and it made living away from home a lot easier.

 It was half way through their junior year that most of them went to a party. Jack, Mush, and Race were staying sober as DD’s, but the rest were free to drink their pains away. This resulted in Blink being all over Mush, who didn’t really try to stop his boyfriend’s ministrations, and Spot being all over Race, who did actually try to push Spot off him, but he was laughing the entire time. It was when he caught sight of Albert and Skye making out in a corner that he paused.

 “Spot,” he said, hitting his boyfriend on the arm repeatedly. Very, very buzzed, Spot looked up at his slightly taller boyfriend in confusion.

 “What?” he asked, leaning in to try to kiss Race’s neck again.

 “Albert and Skye!” that got Spot’s attention. He was one of the only ones still in the betting pool on when they would get together, and he had the entire month down.

 “Where?”

 Race bodily turned him around, and Spot easily spotted the two drunk juniors. Albert had her pinned to a wall, and was attacking her neck with his mouth. She didn’t seem to mind, and had her hands tangled in his hair. Both debated if the two would even remember in the morning.

 This seemed to sober Spot up, who had a very protective streak for the girl he considered his sister. The two watched, wide-eyed, as Albert eventually pulled away from her. Only to grab her hand and lead her upstairs. Skye followed after him happily.

 “Uh.. Should we stop them?” Spot asked, watching his two friends stumble up the steps.

 Race thought for a moment, and then nodded, “Yeah, probably. Get Jack and round up the others, we should be getting out of here. I’ll grab them,” he gave his boyfriend a quick kiss, and then left to find his two friends.

 Albert and Skye were in a similar position as earlier, with Skye pinned against the wall right next to an open door to an empty bedroom, and Albert sucking a hickey onto her jaw. Her legs were wrapped around his waist.

 “Okay, lovebirds, break it up!” Race exclaimed. Albert dropped Skye to her feet, but kept his hands on her waist as he turned to Race.

 “Awe, come on, Race!” Albert complained. “We weren’t doing anything!”

 “Right, and my name isn’t Anthony,” Race replied, putting his hand on Albert’s shoulder. “Come on, we’re headed back,” Race turned, ready to bodily carry his friends out the door if he had to, but Albert and Skye followed him without a word. Upon glancing back at them, he would find them holding hands and giggling at each other drunkenly.

 Race managed to get the two into his car, along with Spot, and only had to yell at them for making out in the back seat once.

 “Hey! Stop that!” he had yelled upon seeing them furiously making out in his rear-view mirror. When they didn’t pull away from each other, Spot intervened.

 “Oye! Albert! That’s my sister you’re making out with! Stop it!” the two broke apart at that, still giggling. Race only rolled his eyes and pulled into the parking lot for their dorm. With Spot’s help, he was able to get the two drunks into their own rooms, so that they wouldn’t do something stupid. Which brings us to today.

 Skye woke up with a groan. Her head was pounding, her stomach queasy, and her mouth was dry. In all of her 20 years of life, Skye had never been so hungover. As she lay in bed, regretting her decision to ever start drinking, memories from the night before flooded her mind.  

 Oh, no.

 She had kissed Albert. Not only that, but she had almost slept with him. Skye silently thanked Race for stopping it; she knew that her friendship with Albert was probably already ruined, but having sex with him would bring it to a point of no return. With a groan, she rolled over; 8:30. She had missed her 8AM, but had an hour to get ready for her 9:30AM.

 Stumbling out of bed, Skye held a hand up to her forehead and groaned, going to her mirror. Mary had an 8AM and was already gone, leaving Skye alone to figure out what to do. What she saw in the mirror made her want to pass out and never wake up.

 Hickies dotted her neck, and there was one right on her jaw. Albert had really gone to town on her neck, and Skye suddenly wished that she owned more makeup than just eyeliner, eye shadow, and mascara. There would be no hiding these.

 With a sigh, Skye took a shower and dressed for the day, suddenly glad that it was fall. A scarf would beautifully hide the marks on her neck, but no so much the one on her jaw. Damn Albert and damn his lips. She was happy to suddenly remember that she’d left a rather impressive hickey on Albert’s neck, however. She’d see the fruit of that labor in class.

 Knocking back an aspirin, Skye headed out for class, hoping her headache would leave sooner rather than later. She stopped to get coffee on the way to class, and was clutching the warm to-go cup between her hands when she stepped into the classroom.

 Spot, Albert, and Skye had all decided that they wanted to be teachers. Spot and Skye had both always bonded for their love for history, while Albert was going for English. However, this meant that the three of them had multiple classes together, this one being one of them. While Spot and Skye were taking the majority of the history classes, Albert still had to take a few, and so the three of them shared this class.

 Spot was already there, so Skye dropped down in her seat next to him heavily.

 “Good morning, sunshine,” Spot grinned.

 “Shut up,” Skye responded, placing her coffee on his desk before sprawling out across her own.

 Spot frowned at this, and took stock of her; she had bags under her eyes, no doubt a huge headache, and he could clearly see the hickey that Albert had left on her jaw. The ones on her neck were hidden by a scarf.

 “Hey, are you okay?” the dark haired boy asked, putting his hand on her back as he leaned in a little closer.

 Skye groaned and then lifted her head, “I kissed Albert, Seán,” she whispered.

 “Yeah, I know,” he said. When Skye looked at him, blue eyes wide, he clarified, “I’m pretty sure everyone saw the two of you making out last night.”

 Skye flushed bright red and ducked her head again.

 “Oh, my God,” she groaned, “I’m gonna have to drop out of college, change my name, and move to Alaska.”

 “Why Alaska?” Skye turned back to Spot, only to see him raising a dark brow at her.

 “Albert told me once that he’d never go to Alaska; too cold,” she explained, “It’s perfect, he’ll never find me there, and I can live out the rest of my life with the eskimos!”

 Spot leaned forward and pulled Skye towards him a little, hands on her shoulders. “Skye, it’ll be fine. You won’t have to drop out of college, change your name, or move to Alaska; take last night as a good sign! We’ve been telling you for years now that Albert likes you, and we’ve been trying for years to get Albert to ask you out! Finally, you two will be together, and I’ll win that damn betting pool!”

 “Betting pool?”

 Spot stared at her for a moment, “Not important. My point is, is that you and Albert can use this chance to finally admit your feelings for one another and you’ll be together and you’ll finally be happy!”

 Skye opened her mouth to respond, only to pause when she saw Albert walk into the room. He noticed his two friends and headed over, sitting down in his normal spot on Skye’s other side.

 “Morning,” he said.

 Instead of replying, Skye instead took a long drink of her coffee. Spot rolled his eyes at her.

 “Morning, Al,” Spot said.

 Skye avoided Albert’s gaze, unwilling to meet his brown eyes. He stared at her in confusion, but their professor walked in right before he could ask, and started the lecture. Skye took dutiful notes next to him.

 When class ended, Skye nearly bolted out of the room. Albert stared after her, jaw dropped open, notebook in his hand.

 “What’d I do?” he asked.

 Spot glanced over at him, still putting his own stuff away.

 “You know what you did,” Spot said.

 Albert stared at him. “No, I really don’t.”

 “Last night? At the party?” Spot tried.

 Albert shook his head. “JoJo and I pregamed,” he said. “I don’t even know how I got back to my dorm,” he confessed.

 Spot’s eyes widened as he stared at his friend. “Oh, my God, you really don’t know.”

 “No, I do not,” Albert confirmed, “Why is Skye so upset with me?”

 Spot took a deep breath, “The two of you kissed. Made out, is actually more the proper term. Didn’t you wonder where that hickey on your neck came from? It came from Skye. And you left quite a few on her; that bruise on her jaw? A hickey from you,” the tan boy explained. Albert just stared at him, jaw dropped, and cheeks as red as his hair. “Race had to stop you two from having sex.”

 “WHAT?!”

 “Yeah, we saw the two of you start to go up to a room, so Race went and stopped you guys and we all left. I can’t believe you don’t remember, you didn’t seem out of it, at all,” Spot said, finally slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

 “I… I don’t,” Albert said, confusion in his voice. His eyes suddenly widened. “That’s why Skye wouldn’t even look at me?” He sounded so hurt, and Spot’s heart went out to the guy.

 Spot clapped a hand on Albert’s shoulder, “Man, just go and talk to her. We all know that the two of you like each other, just man up and finally ask her out!”

 “I don’t like just like her, Spot,” Albert said, avoiding his friend’s eyes as his cheeks flushed red again. “I’m in love with her. Have been since we were 18.”

 “Then go! Get your girl!” Spot exclaimed, giving the redhead a shove down the hall. They had since left the classroom and were walking towards the doors to the building. Spot had an 8AM, this class, and then one more three hours from then. He usually used those hours to get a little more sleep.

 “I… I will! Thanks, Spot!” Albert called, running back down the hall towards the little study nook that Skye and him had found back in Freshman year.

 Spot grinned, and that grin stayed on his face until he got to his dorm. Race was still there, laying in their shared bed (which was really just the two dorm beds pushed together) with his laptop propped against his legs, writing an essay.

 “Hey,” Race said, glancing over to his boyfriend for just a moment before turning back to his essay.

 “Hi,” Spot replied. He dropped his backpack and kicked off his shoes before climbing onto the bed next to Race. “Albert doesn’t remember kissing Skye.”

 “He doesn’t?” Race was surprised.

 “Yeah, apparently he and JoJo pregamed; doesn’t even know how he got back to his dorm. I had to tell him after Skye refused to even look at him,” Spot explained.

 “Oh, man, poor Skye,” Race said. “What’d he do?”

 “I told him to talk to her, and he took off down the hall. Said he was in love with her, so I assume he’s finally going to ask her out,” Spot said. He wrapped his arms around Race, happily cuddling into the blonde’s side.

 “Good,” Race said, threading his fingers through Spot’s dark hair. “It’s about time those two finally got together.”

 “And I’ll win that betting pool; I had this entire month down, and then I was out,” Spot added as an after-thought.

 “What’s the total of that, now?” Race asked.

 Spot shrugged and grabbed his phone. He unlocked it and went to his notes app, scrolling through it for a moment. “Well, when it started, there was $120 in the pot. But that was four years ago. Now, there’s $500 in it,” he said.

 Race whistled, long and low. “Who’s in charge of holding all of that?” the blonde asked. He had gone back to his essay.

 “Davey,” Spot answered, “He wanted no part of the betting, and offered to take the money. I have no idea where he has it; could have it at Harvard for all I know.”

 “Only a four-hour drive,” Race said. Jack had made the drive multiple times to visit Katherine.

 “Totally worth it.”

 Race laughed and bent over to kiss Spot’s forehead, allowing the shorter boy to sleep while he finished his essay.

 Meanwhile, Albert practically ran through the building. He and Skye had found a little study nook in their freshman year, and they both went there if they had a large enough gap between classes. Skye had three hours until her next class; once she and Spot realized that they were doing the same major, and would be taking all the same classes, anyway, they decided to just take them together. That way if one of them happened to miss, the other would have the notes. It also meant they could study together, and had spent many late nights together, studying for tests and writing essays.

 When he got to their little nook, he found Skye curled up in one of the surprisingly comfy chairs, laptop on her legs and earbuds in her ears. She hadn’t noticed him, and was typing away on her laptop.

 Albert walked towards her, and the movement caught her attention. She glanced up, saw Albert, and immediately flushed red.

 “Hey,” Albert said. Skye took out a single earbud. “Can we talk?”

 Skye sighed, but took out the other earbud and closed her laptop, placing the items on the little table that her backpack was leaning on.

 “What about?” she asked, nervousness obvious in her voice.

 “I think you know, what,” Albert said gently. He sat down in the other chair, sitting right on the edge.

 “Albert, about that kiss-“

 Albert swiftly cut her off, “I don’t even remember it.”

 “You… You don’t remember it.”

 Albert nodded. “JoJo and I pregamed, and I don’t really remember anything from last night. I remember getting to the party, taking a few vodka shots, and that’s it.”

 “Then how do you know about…?” Skye gestured with her hand between the two of them.

 “Spot told me. When you rushed out of class, I was really confused, and once Spot realized that I had no idea that we had kissed, he told me,” Albert almost didn’t want to meet her gaze. But he did.

 “Albert, I should probably tell you… We did more than just kiss,” Skye said, almost undecidedly, like she was unsure on if she should say it. “It was more like… Making out? And we almost… We almost slept together,” she eventually said.

 “Yeah, Spot told me about that, too. And something about a bunch of hickies?” he eyed the scarf around her neck, and Skye sighed before tugging her off.

 Purple blotches were all over one side of her neck, and there was even one on her collarbone.  Albert whistled. “I did that?”

 “And this one,” Skye pointed to the one on her jaw, and Albert winced slightly.

 “Sorry,” he said.

 “I gave you, one, too,” Skye said quietly.  

 “This one, I assume,” Albert’s fingers went up and prodded at the purple bruise on his own neck. Skye nodded.

 “So I assume you just want to… Forget that this even happened?” Skye suggested. It hurt her to say it, but if that was what Albert wanted to do, then she would do it. Well, she would try to do it.

 “Skye, no,” Albert said, eyes wide. “I don’t… God, I wish I remembered it.”

 “I… What?”

 “Yes!” Albert exclaimed. “God, Skye! I’ve been in love with you since we were 18! Maybe even longer, I don’t remember any more! Everyone’s been telling me to ask you out for years, and I’ve tried! Lord knows I’ve tried to ask you out so many god damned times! And I chickened out every single time! And now I learn that we kissed, almost slept together, and I can’t even remember it?! What kind of bullshit is that!”

 The red-head was pacing, hands in his hair as he tugged at the strands. His hat, a snapback that Skye herself had given him, had been knocked to the floor the second he had started his rant.

 “And Skye, I have no idea if you ever had these kinds of feelings for me, but I can hardly remember NOT having them for you! So here I am, finally laying all my cards on the table, because I don’t know what to fucking do, anymore.” He sounded so defeated, and he collapsed heavily in the second chair. His head went into his hands.

 “I love you, too.”

 Skye’s voice was quiet, and Albert wasn’t completely sure he heard her correctly at first.

 “What?”

 “I love you, too.” Her voice was louder this time, and she looked at him, bright blue eyes meeting brown.

 “You… You love me?”

 “I love you.”

 The confirmation in Skye’s voice was all Albert needed. Surging forward, and pressed his lips to hers. It was a messy kiss; their lips slid over each other’s awkwardly, and their teeth clacked together because they were both smiling. But it was perfect to them. When they pulled away, Albert held Skye close, unwilling to let her go.

 “God, I love you, Elise Kloppman,” Albert said.

 “I love you, too, Albert DaSilva,” Skye responded.

 Albert smiled a wide, made-his-jaw-hurt-a-little smile, and threw his arms around her in a hug. “Will you be my girlfriend, Skye?” he asked.

 “Yes.” It was a breathy yes, but Albert heard it, and, if possible, his smile widened and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. They sat like that for a while, wrapped up in each other’s arms and just talking, occasionally pressing kisses to each other’s lips.

 When Skye’s alarm eventually went off, signaling that she needed to get to class, she reluctantly pulled away from his warm embrace. “Well, I gotta get to class,” she said.

 Albert stood as well, “Yeah, I do, too,” he replied. He stretched his arms out behind him for a moment until he felt a pop, and then stooped down to grab his backpack and his forgotten snapback. He placed it on his head backwards, as usual, and slung his bag over his shoulder, before grabbing Skye’s hand.

 Their hands fit together like two puzzle pieces. His was bigger, and wrapped around hers like it was the easiest thing ever, fingers slotting together easily. They walked to Skye’s next class in a comfortable silence, and saw Spot waiting at the door, scrolling through his phone.

 “I’ll see you later?” Skye asked, looking up at him when they stopped.

 “Of course,” Albert said. He leaned down and brushed his lips softly over hers before letting go of her hand. “love you.”

 “Love you, too.” Albert smiled down at her, kissed her one more time, and turned to walk to his own class. Skye smiled and turned to the door, only to find Spot standing there, watching her.  “Hey, Spot.”

 Spot blinked at her, and then walked past her.

 “Where are you going?” Skye called after him.

 “Harvard!”

 Skye just chuckled and walked into the class. She loved her boys, but she would never understand them.

[stylesonator]

Kick Ass | Dean Winchester

In which you contact Dean after years of not talking to each other due to a demon problem.

Requested: Yes

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 1905

She had never planned on contacting him again. Not because she didn't want to, but because he told her not to unless it was an emergency. This was definitely an emergency.

High school students had been disappearing mid-school day, the only trace left behind was always sulfur on the windows. If Dean Winchester had taught her anything is that sulfur usually meant demons.

Her father had been a hunter, quite a well known one at that, but sadly died during a hunt. Leaving her mother to take care of a four old and a baby on the way. Her mother then decided to pick her things up and leave a 14-year-old to take care of her 10-year-old sibling.

A year later was when the Winchesters stepped in, they had come to town due to a haunted auditorium. And during the process of finding what type of spirit it was and who the spirit once was, Dean and (Y/N) fell in love both John and (Y/N)'s foster mother believed it was a game of lust.

Two horny teenagers getting it on for fun, but when it was time for Dean to leave, the number of tears shed (and the amount of time that they shed) from both parties were surprising. John watched with a little of disappointment as his son, who supposedly was tough, cried his little 15-year-old heart out to the verge of sobbing.

(Y/N) on the other hand was terrified, her biological mother had told her what her fathers' job had been before she left, so she was scared for her life that one day she would get a phone call, or see in the news, that her first and only love had died by the hands of a monster.

They had kept in contact for awhile until Dean decided she was safer not contacting him in any way. Unless of course, something 'Supernatural' happened.

So when her students started going missing in her new town in Georgia, a town surrounded by hills, lakes, and woods, the only person she thought of was Dean.

She wasn't a nervous person per say, but right now her hands shook as she searched through the phone numbers in her old contact book, hoping he hadn't changed his number seeing as she really needed his help right now.

And there it was, Dean Winchester, it used to have a little heart next to his name, but when he left she couldn't bear looking at it so she removed it.

With a shaky breath, she punched the numbers into her new mobile phone. She stood there considering her options before deciding she had to do this, not for herself but for her missing students.

So with her heart hammering in her chest, she brought the phone to her ear, each beep making her heart lurch in her chest.

"Hello?" Was the first thing she heard, the voice was deep, much deeper than Dean's when she had last heard him speak. But then again more than a decade had passed.

"I-is this Dean Winchester?" Was her shaky response, she could still feel her heart hammering against her chest, and her hands shaking so hard the phone was hitting her lightly on the face.

"Who is this?" The man's voice grumbled out, it was a very Dean-like trait to answer a question with another question, you could say it was a defense mechanism.

"It's (Y/N)."

"(Y/L/N)?" He questioned further.

"I'd like to know what other (Y/N) you know," Most of the nervousness had left her, glad to hear his voice.

"It's nice to hear from you don't get me wrong, but is there a specific reason as to why you're calling me?" You could practically hear the smile on his face. On the other end of the line, Sam was looking weirdly over at his brother weirdly as a huge smile had taken over his face, he hadn't had that expression since (Y/N).

'Oh'. Sam realized who was over on the other side of the line, shaking his head lightly with a small smile remembering how happy Dean had been with her. However, a look of confusing replaced the grin that had been placed on his face as (Y/N) spoke the words he had feared.

"I think I've got a demon problem," the girl finally came out with the reason she had called him, "I really need your help, Dean."

"So then my Literature professor told my class that if he shot the paper ball into the trash can, that he would give the whole class an A on our quiz," the now  English teacher laughed along to her senior class before she got interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Hold on," she smiled at her pupils, turning to the door to see the secretary mentioning for her to come out.

"You guys get started on the 4-page long essay on whatever your favorite topic is."

As soon as she opened the door she saw Annie, the secretary, with her two favorite boys that she hadn't seen in a long time. A huge smile making her way onto her face as she closed the door behind her, taking three long steps before wrapping her arms around the elder Winchesters neck, breathing the familiar manly scent that only Dean had.

The biggest of smiles appeared on his face as he wrapped the woman in from of him in a hug, she had changed but then again so had he, they were no longer hormone filled teenagers, they were now adults that knew the risk of the situation they were in.

They separated, once they heard a manly cough interrupt their little moment of nostalgia, still looking into his eyes, the same green eyes she used to see before she fell asleep against his chest, she said.

"It's so good to see you guys!"

She had always been a cheery person, always looking into the bright side of things and never letting what people thought of her get in the way of what she wanted. However, most people were surprised at how much sarcasm was held in her, which is probably the reason that people nearly always loved her no matter where she went.

"Samuel!" She laughed at her old nickname for the younger Winchester brother pulling him into a hug as well, she had always loved to hug them, they were always big cuddly teddy bears, even if their exterior said otherwise.

"It's good to see you again (Y/N)," Sam smiled softly as he returned the hug the girl that used to babysit him was giving him.

As she pulled away to take them in properly, Sam was no longer an awkward pre-teen with a weird sense of style. The man before her was enormously tall, with longish hair and manly features, the young boy she once knew was long gone.

"Look at you Sammy getting all manly," She teased the younger boy before turning to her ex-lover, "And you Dean, you're just like fine wine getting finer with age I see."

The smirk that appeared on his face was basically indestructible, "Have you looked in the mirror recently?"

"Shut up."

Annie had left as soon as the hugs had started seeing as it was more of a personal thing. The door to her classroom opened up to reveal a brunette, probably around the age of 18.

"Hey (Y/N), could my essay be on sex seeing as that's my favorite topic and it could count for your Sex Ed class as well?" The girl asked hopefully eyeing both the Winchesters with a look of hunger in her eyes.

"Sure thing, just make sure it's not too explicit or I might be forced to explain things to the principal," The teacher smiled at her pupil before remembering something, " let the rest of the class know that I'm letting you guys leave early today okay?"

"I'll make sure of that ."

With a bright smile, she turned back her boys, "Let's continue with the tour shall we?"

(Y/N) had the boys follow her to her house in Deans' Impala, as she wanted a place more private to investigate this, talking about why sulfur had been found on the school windows and that it was to do with the fact that demons most likely took them probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.

She invited the boys in and had them sit down, talking over a cup of coffee about why and who would want to hurt a couple of high school students when they heard a voice behind them.

"Maybe it's due to the fact that they weren't innocent high schoolers."

In a flash, Dean and Sam had jumped off the couch and pushed (Y/N) in an attempt at protecting her. What they didn't know was that she was quite familiar with the figure that stood in front of them.

"Crowley what the hell are you doing here?!" Was what angrily escaped Deans' mouth as he tried to make sense off of how Crowley knew that they were there and that they were with (Y/N) of all people.

"Well, I had to make sure my dear friend Sydney was okay with all the demon activity going on in this town didn't I?" Crowley stated a smirk appearing on his face as he winked at the Winchesters.

"King Of Hell! How are you?" Sydney questioned as she pushed Sam and Dean away from her to make her way over to the friend that had helped her out of really sticky situations.

"Great now that I can finally tell you what's been going on behind the scenes."

"Wait how do you know each other?" Sam confusedly asked.

"Well mister Crowley here saved my ass from a few demons a while back and he was nice enough to me so I befriended him!" The light brunette said cheerily before adding, "Oh! I also met your angel friend, Castiel is his name right?"

The Winchesters answer was a nod of their heads.

"Real charmer that one is," Sydney said sarcastically, "Got all protective asking how I knew so much stuff about you, nearly bit my darn head off!"

"Damn it Cas!" Dean spoke softly to himself.

"But it's fine though I totally understand with all the shit you've been through," (Y/N) said a soft smile falling onto her lips before she remembered the situation that they had at hand, "now I'm guessing that you know where the demons are along with the kids and that that's why you're here?"

"Then you would be correct," Was all Crowley had to say on the matter.

The quartet had separated into pairs Dean and (Y/N) were after a couple of demons, while Crowley and Sam went to free the kids since (Y/N) didn't want her students to know that she was involved with the supernatural world.

As they (Dean and (Y/N)) stood in front of the house that was located near the biggest road in the town she lived in she turned to Dean before saying.

"Are you ready to kick some demon ass?"

"Only if you are," Was all Dean had to answer with.

"Then let's do this crap."

But before she could even take a step away from the car Dean had his hand around her lower arm and pulled her towards him only to pull her into a powerful kiss. One that neither had experienced since they had broken up.

She pulled away for air a sheepish smile on her face as she said, "Now I'm definitely ready."

[joie-university-rp]

SEBASTIAN NICHOLAS SMYTHE is a TWENTY TWO year old FRESHMAN who lived in PARIS, FRANCE before coming to attend Joie University. HE is majoring in DANCE and minoring in THEATRE. Some believe he looks like GRANT GUSTIN but SEBASTIAN just doesn’t see it. SEBASTIAN is currently a TAKEN character.

Student Census Response

What made you want to attend Joie University? I am looking for a college with a rich history to provide me with unique experiences and an internationally recognized faculty.

What are at least 3 positive or neutral and at least 3 negative traits that you believe you possess? I am passionate about everyone everything I do. I am a focused individual, working hard for all of my goals in life. I am always open to trying new things and meeting new people, thus I am very adaptive to change. I am also secretive, distrustful, and finicky, but we don’t need to talk about that.

Which of your traits do you value most? I believe my ability to adapt to change is my most valuable trait. Many people value things like love but how can you love someone if you cannot accept change because change happens to everyone no matter how much you try to stop it. The world is constantly changing and even if your holding on white-knuckled it’s going to keep turning and you will get left behind.

How can that trait benefit the University (or its student body) as a whole? My body is a gift to this student body, I mean have you seen me? To give them the pleasure of having a Smythe in their midst? To give all the uptight men a good fucking to help them relax a little.

What do you hope to gain from your experience at JU? I want to gain new experiences with new people in new places.

What is a quote or song lyric that describes you? Get me to the place where I can be free To live how I want to and let me do me Gotta make a change immediately Gonna do it on my own, just watch and you’ll see (Simon Curtis, Get in Line)

Additional Headcanons

Sebastian always loved music. He enjoyed learning to play instruments from the very first time he had heard his mother play the piano. As he grew older Sebastian also found his voice and affinity for dance. This was his hobby. Music and dance were his outlets for his teenage pent up frustration especially when he discovered his attraction to men.

The family appeared very idealistic from the outside but, behind closed doors, not everything was as perfect as it seemed. The only reason Mr Smythe allowed his son to attend these musical classes was because there was no escaping Sebastian’s talent in front of his colleges and partners he wanted to impress.

Sebastian was born in Paris, France to a French mother, Victoria Smythe, a snobby socialite, and Andrew Smythe, a corporate lawyer from Hartford, CT. Baxter, Sebastian’s twin brother, is younger by 9 minutes but Seb quickly took on the role of big brother. There is no love lost between the parents and the kids but Seb tried his best to protect Bax from bullies in school and help him through his anxiety disorder.

The Smythe’s lived all over the world as Andrew represented all kinds of business and financial clients though most of their time was spent either in France or the USA. When outside of the USA the boys attended Cobis Schools where they were able to follow a curriculum in English.

It had always seemed to surprise Sebastian’s teachers when he did so well in school. One of the only things Sebastian was glad to have inherited from his father was his determination and uncanny recall abilities.

At first, his attraction to men had terrified Sebastian, and when he spoke to his father about it, well, that didn’t go down well at all. Luckily he had Baxter by his side who supported him but Seb was still hurt by his father’s dismissal of his feelings. That was when Sebastian became the man he is today with his open sexuality and fluidity. This was the start of the partying and drinking and sex. At first, it was to throw it in his father’s face, but it soon became escapism. He hasn’t looked back since.

When Sebastian got the call about Baxter being in a car accident he was torn, he wanted to go back to France to be with his brother and help him through what promised to be a long and painful recovery, but he also wanted to stay at Joie. Joie had become Sebastian’s sanctuary of sorts, a place away from his father, even if he was stuck doing his pre-law degree, here he could do what he wanted and block out the bad memories with drink and dick.

After a heart wrenching phone call from Bax, Seb was on the next flight back and worked with the head of the department to be able to finish his bachelor’s on time by completing extra papers and online exams. Seb was able to graduate with a 3.9 GPA in the spring of 2020.

Now that Baxter is doing better and seeming more like himself, Sebastian has decided to be selfish and give a giant fuck you to their parents by going back to Joie and starting a degree in Dance and Performing Arts. He’s hoping to graduate in less than 4 years because he’s already finished all the gen ed classes Joie requires for undergrads.

[princessdevy03]

Tumblr Exclusive!!!!

Author’s Note: Happy KevEdd Anniversary to me! It’s been two years since I started writing for the KevEdd Fandom and we’re all better for it!

That said, anniversaries mean presents! And I give you the gift of love, smut, and a touch of shenanigans because that’s how I roll!

Here’s a sweet, silly look at our boys from the first big thing I ever did.

Capturing a moment has never been so noice!

Love you!

Here’s a bit more show…

Promises To Keep, Promises Kept: Taking AdvantagEdd Of Love

Short Stuff: Come. Get. Your. Man

Short Stuff: He needs some goddamn dick in his life. SAVE US AND COME GET HIM!

Kevin kicked his head back on a groan that came out as a laugh so loud that a girl in the hall yelped and it just made him laugh harder.

He quickly texted Eddy back and found that Edd was in a bit of a tizzy as of late.

The stress of being a senior didn’t miss him by a long shot.

His grades were stellar as always, but the ravenette was always scared that he’d mess up something and lose his scholarship and thus his chance at life. Participating in all his usual extracurricular activities was fun but tabulating it all to round out his college application was making it all more like work. And it all cut into his downtime with his friends and the distance between them didn’t help.

Not that sex would, but he was sure a visit would make him happy and Mother Nature was gonna make it happen.

As he grabbed his bag he always kept packed for these quick trips home and contemplated getting him flowers now vs when he got back into Peach Creek and risk being seen by someone who’d tell Edd and thus, ruin the surprise, he texted Eddy back.

Shovelchin: I’ll see what my dick can do for you XP

Short Stack: EW

Short Stack: Make it make him nice again!

Shovelchin: We’ll see ;)

Short Stack: WE BETTER. >.<

Making his way to his bike, he saw a phoenix fanning his flames as he leaned on it and he was kinda glad he didn’t have the flowers he wanted to get Edd in his hand right now, but at the same time, he’d love use them to wave his love for his dork back home in Max’s face.

“Where we headed, Hot Stuff?” the flaming swimmer cooed and Kevin rolled his eyes.

“I’m going home to see my man,” he said as he shoved his short banner waver away from his Harley.

“Lucky bitch,” Max muttered as he walked away and Kevin grabbed him by the back of his collar to stop him.

“Excuse me,” he growled as he pulled the now wilting bird to his side.

“S-Sorry,” Max said quietly. “You guys are very fortunate to have each other.”

“We are!” Kevin grinned as he shoved Max away again and grabbed his helmet.

Max trudged away thinking up ways to make Kevin his fortunate one when he came back and Kevin made hotel reservations with a request for a bouquet of apricot tulips, marigolds, and roses to be in the room when they arrived.

“I told them you could sign for it since I’m not there,” Lynn sighed as she fumbled with something in the background and Edd nodded even though he knew she couldn’t see him.

“When are you expecting it, though?” He asked as he poured three different bags of Dorito’s in a bowl for his friends.

“Today? I hope. I think,” the woman said sheepishly as she collapsed in her desk chair and Edd’s heart went out to her.

She bought an anniversary gift for his father three weeks ago and it was supposed to have gotten to Peach Creek last week when she was home to not only sign for it but hide it, too, but it never arrived.

Since she could no longer sign for it as she wouldn’t be home for another two weeks herself, Edd could maybe do it if he was home and not out of town with the baseball team or Kevin, but then she got an email saying it would be delivered over the weekend sometime, so she was now on the phone with her son begging him to keep an eye out for it as Kevin was supposed to be in South Carolina at a baseball tournament and Peach Creek’s team was on a much needed off weekend, thus keeping her boy genius at home.

“Well, it’s the thought that counts,” he said and she groaned because their anniversary was two days ago and while she did get her husband something, it just wasn’t the same.

*Ding Dong*

“Are you throwing a party, Eddward?” She teased.

“DOOR, DEE!” He heard Ed bellow from his living room, but no pausing in his video game playing.

“No,” Edd retorted to his snickering mother as Eddy skipped past him to dig out more snacks and Ed, who was on the couch muttering to himself as he crouched behind enemy lines in COD.

“AH!” Edd gasped as he looked through the peephole in the door and then frantically started to unlock it.

“Is it my package?!” Lynn asked excitedly.

“NO!” He screamed as he yanked the door open and tossed the phone behind him to leap into strong arms.

“Hey, Babe,” Kevin chuckled as he caught him and Edd whimpered into his shoulder.

Eddy came out of the kitchen to see his best friend’s door wide open, his mother nearly screaming from the house phone in the floor, and Edd in Kevin’s arms.

“FINALLY!”  The short Ed sighed and Double Dee squeezed Kevin tighter and pouted.

Ed finally paused the game to see what was going on and then groaning because he knew what was going to happen next.

“You’ll see him Monday,” Eddy snickered he passed the chips to Ed who rolled his eyes.

“I’m taking my chips and going home,” the tall Ed whined as Eddy stuffed a bag of Twizzlers and a soda in the oaf’s Army jacket pocket.

“I want my bowl washed and dried when I get back!” Edd called after him as Kevin carried him back into the house and his friends trudge out.

“Yeah, yeah!” Ed called over his shoulder before cracking a grin at Eddy who wouldn’t stop giggling.

“’Bout time he got back,” Eddy sighed as he texted Lee back.

“Amen,” Ed said, mouth full of chips, heart happy that Edd was finally smiling again.

When Kevin sat him on the couch, he remembered that he was talking to his mother just mere seconds before Kevin dropped back into his world again.

“Mother!” he cried before scrambling over the back of the couch and grabbing the phone. “I’m fine,” he said sheepishly while Kevin laughed.

“Thank God,” Lynn sighed. “What the hell happened?!”

“Umm…Kevin’s back?” He said, still sheepish at his sudden show of emotion.

“Ooooh, I see,” She said softly, knowing all too well how he felt.

It had been nearly a month since they had seen each other because they both had spring training to deal with on top of their regular classes, homework, and study sessions.

Kevin being over two hours away made any little down time they had occupied by other things because it just wasn’t logical for either to visit as he would have to turn around and go back home just as soon as he got to town.

So for the redhead to show up meant that they had at least forty eight hours to take together and he was going to make sure they took it.

“So, yeah,” he said quietly as he stared at the floor and tried to think of a way out of the conversation.

“Well, you two enjoy your weekend,” Lynn said as she hopped on her computer and sent an email to the Etsy store she was dealing saying that the gift now needed to be sent to her office. Which was right next to her husband’s. “I’ll have them send it to the office now. But thank you for trying.”

“You’re welcome,” he whispered, feeling green eyes bore into the top of his downed head.

“Goodbye, Eddward. Tell Kevin we say hello, ok?”

“Ok,” he barely whispered and she laughed because she knew the look on his red face all too well, having worn it herself a few times. “Goodbye, Mother.”

When her tittering voice got further away he hit the Off button on the keypad with a groan.

“Everything ok, Babe?”

Bright, needy blue eyes flashed into his own and he had to laugh again.

“C’mere, Dork.”

Too embarrassed to chastise his name calling and needing to be his dork, he hopped back over the couch and was pulled into a tight cuddle.

A moan that would have embarrassed him any other time left him as he breathed Kevin in.

The slight musk of the great outdoors from the ride on his bike, his Old Spice body spray, Tide Sport detergent, and motor oil.

God, he smelled like Heaven.

But then he quickly came back to his senses as Kevin wasn’t supposed to be on his couch on this bright spring Friday.

“What a minute!” He cried as he pushed Kevin away a bit. “Why are you here?”

“Can’t come see my baby?” Kevin cooed as he feigned a pout.

A look.

“I know your schedule better than you do and I’m not even there!” Edd said as he sat back and crossed his arms, half scared that Kevin was skipping out on a baseball tournament to get laid.

“Then you should know that they cancelled the tournament in South Carolina because of that hurricane,” Kevin said as he leveled a look of his own.

Guilt flew into his eyes and he grew sheepish again as Kevin drew him closer.

“Oh.”

The hurricane in question was due to hit the school on coast that Kevin should have been at right now and it was going to be bad. Every event in town was cancelled as people that could evacuate did so, the rest bunking down in shelters that should have been holding spring dances and concerts, not housing people trying to ride out Mother Nature’s fury.

Which meant a weekend in the city for two lovers who just never got many chances to show each other that love enough the past few weeks.

Edd kind of felt bad that a hurricane was giving him an extra weekend with his boyfriend, but he wasn’t going to look Mother Nature’s gift in the mouth.

He would donate some money and a few hygiene kits to a couple of charities, though.

“Yep, and I’ve got us some reservations, so let’s get going!” he chirped as he picked Edd up and carried him to the stairs. “Go get ready and I’m gonna say hi to my folks real quick, okay?”

Edd nodded and ran up the stairs as Kevin hurried out the still open front door, closing it behind him.

It only took Edd ten minutes to pack, another fifteen to make sure the house was together, which gave Kevin time to say hi to his parents and Nazz before taking Edd away from the stress of it all.

The ride to the city was quick but Edd was a bundle of nerves.

Waiting on their hotel room had him all kinds of twitchy because all he wanted was to be alone with his boyfriend.

He had resigned himself to their two visits a month promise but it made him ache inside.

Where Rave and Ang had boyfriends half away across the damn country, Kevin was only mere hours away, but still so far because of life.

To have him with him now, especially as a surprise, wasn’t going to be taken for granted.

Just like he needed Kevin to take him.

Except just as soon as he had the chance, he has to wait to get to where Kevin wants them to hide away and reconnect. And then wait some more because things weren’t ready when they got there.

He wanted to be mad but couldn’t because this all happened so quickly that it wasn’t really anyone’s fault that things weren’t as he was used to them being.

He half pushed, half drug Kevin to the crowded elevator where they could only hold hands and then pulled him to the room, pushed him through the door, only stopping to smell the beautiful bouquet of flowers on the table by the window.

“They’re so pretty,” he fawned as he took in the mix of spicy rose, light apricot, and heady marigold.

“Wow, they came out nicer than I thought!” Kevin exclaimed as he looked the flowers over.

“You just thought of this?”

The awed surprise in his lover’s eyes made Kevin want to fill the room with the flowers, but he just said, “Yeah, just thought it’d be nice because they remind me of you.”

For a split second he thought Edd was going to eat him alive because of the hungry look in his eyes, but the ravenette pushed him on the bed instead and took his breath away with a searing kiss.

“I missed you,” Edd whined as a hand roamed his back while the other tossed his beanie away.

“I can tell,” came a soft reply that accompanied the soft kisses down his neck and Edd’s about to go insane.

He grabbed the back of a hoodie with one hand and looped two fingers of the other in the back center loop of Kevin’s jeans and held on as Kevin kissed him slowly and sensually.

But he needed more.

He ripped Kevin’s hoodie away as the redhead slowly eased his hands under his shirt.

One hand held Kevin’s mouth to his collarbone by fisting itself into crimson satin locks while the other took control of the jock’s zipper. When his hand grazed the one thing Eddy had been teasing him to get for the last month, he nearly lost it.

He groaned to himself as he shoved Kevin away from gently kissing his shoulder and ordered him on his feet.

Kevin cocked a brow but crawled off the bed only to be pulled in front of smoldering Edd.

Getting on his knees was reserved for special occasions like halftime during Monday Night Football and Christmas, so he had to improvise.

Kevin barely said his name before Edd had his pants around his ankles and his cock in his mouth, lusting blue eyes staring him down, daring him to do anything but stand still.

Kevin shoved his tank top in his mouth to muffle his moans because by God, no one needed to hear the sounds dorky ass Eddward Marion Vincent was tugging out of him with hallowed cheeks and no gag reflex.

So Edd dug his nails in his ass and moaned until Kevin couldn’t hold back, grabbed his head and rolled his hips into his gorgeous face, blue eyes holding his gaze and making his gut tight.

One tremble was all it took to pull Edd off of him and Kevin shoved him back onto the bed.

“Fuck, Babe,” he whimpered as shaking hands started tugged Edd’s clothes away.

“Yeah, I’m gonna need you to do that, Sir,” Edd groaned as he kicked off his jeans and Kevin pulled his shirt over his head.

“But I wanted to make love to you,” Kevin whined as he sat back on his knees, a craving in his eyes Edd knew only he could fill.

The ball of emotions in his chest twisted in the opposite direction and Edd’s about die.

“But you can fuck me anytime you want, Edd.”

An animalistic growl shot out of the smaller teen and Kevin’s on his back as Edd grabs the box of condom and lube off the nightstand table. He threw the condoms at Kevin and coated his hand in the thick, sticky substance, muttering a soft, “I’m sorry,” as he grabbed Kevin’s shoulder with his clean hand and eased finger in himself.

Kevin squeezed his eyes close at the grip Edd had on him for a moment before locking eyes with the tense, shaking young man sitting on his waist.

“Just breathe, Edd. Ok?”

Edd nodded as a fantasy came true.

Because of the lack of a headboard to hold on to while he stretched himself thin, holding on to his boyfriend was their only option.

And because he hadn’t gotten to touch him in far too long, he let his free hand play.

To cup his freckled cheek as the first knuckle slipped inside.

To grip a strong bicep as the first finger bottomed out.

To roam his chest as the second finger found its way in and touched that part of himself that shook him to his core.

To graze washboard abs before reaching around and stroking him for a few seconds before snatching the condom away and sliding it on.

And Kevin could do nothing more than watch and feel it all.

He held his gaze as Kevin slid a handful of lube on himself, then guided Edd to where even Eddy thought he needed to be.

He whimpered as he eased himself down Kevin’s cock and then a cracked sob shook from him as he was hilted.

It wasn’t the pain.

It was the need.

That desperate need to be connected with the one who swore he loved him but had to leave him alone because of where they were in their lives at the moment.

He screamed his lover’s name with the first roll of his hips and perfect teeth left their mark on his beautiful neck as he did so.

Every cry of his name earned him a bite.

Every moan a kiss.

Hands finally got to grip skin they would reach out to touch every night and every morning like they did for three lovely years.

Fingers got lost in hair that reminded him of passion and angels.

“Do you know what you do to me?”

“Show me.”

Slow hip rolls brought him to the edge but pulled him back before he could go over.

Every thrust he gave was taken and thrown back hard.

His body was taken into strong hands and loved on.

He took that love and let it fuel a need to keep working to get back to him so he could do this whenever he wanted, not just when the schedule gods said so.

But he took the passion and threw his anxiety at it and the passion swallowed him whole.

In strong arms, he let himself go, thinking of nothing more than how this all felt so good, sobbing in relief as the afterglow settled in.

When he could finally think again, he said, “I needed that.”

“So I heard,” Kevin snorted and Edd groaned.

“Who…Whaaaa…What did they say?!” Edd pouted behind his hands as Kevin drug himself to the bathroom for a washcloth.

“Check my phone!” Kevin laughed as Edd started fussing about people needing to stay out of their business.

The texts from Eddy were at the top of his text log and it was all he could do not to throw the phone at the wall.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE HE SAID THAT!”

“Edd.”

Edd looked to the bathroom doorway to see Kevin giving him a look.

“You agree with him?!”

“Well, at the rate you’re going now, I’d say you did need some time away. I’m just happy to tag along.”

“You’re full of it, Barr,” Edd retorted, but let Kevin take care of him.

“Can I be?”

Needy green gazed into lust hazed blue and Edd slowly went pink.

“Give me an hour.”

“An hour?!” Kevin pouted and Edd’s stomach answered for him.

Kevin texted Eddy two hours later and Lee caught his tossed away phone with her catcher’s mitt before reading the text that set him off.

Shovelchin: He thinks my dick is fine. I think his is too! XD

When Kevin got back to campus, he dumped a gallon of water on Max’s fire for him with a hickey the size of Texas on his collarbone. But it was seeing Michael’s anniversary present that had him in tizzy.

He got his needlepoint of a field that had no fucks two weeks later when Edd took off for Senior Skip Day to get laid.

[chroniclesofawkwardness]

Me and OBG(YN)

My left ear has been popping a lot for the past few days. I don’t know if I somehow got water in my ear canal, have an infection, or it’s just the Ghost of Q-Tips Past taunting me. Googling “water in ear” led me to a suggestion for removing it called the suction cup method. I was supposed to tilt my head to one side, rub my hand up and down over my ear, then pull it away quickly. Ideally, the resulting vacuum would give the water a chance to escape. It didn’t.

I tried another way: tilting my ear to one side and pulling down on my earlobe, hoping that straightening my ear canal would give whatever I felt in there a chance to evacuate. It didn’t. I swore I could feel something working its way to the fringe of my inner ear, yet retreating only millimeters from freedom.

After three or four attempts apiece at creating suction cups and reenacting the classic labyrinth marble tilt game (substituting my ears for the maze and whatever was in my ear for the marble), I decided to wait before cooking up a hairbrained home remedy and doing real damage to myself, if I hadn’t already. 

The popping and/or sloshing sound isn’t as pronounced today as it’s been over the past 48 hours. I hope it silences itself; I believe it will as long as I don’t try to touch my brain by passing my index finger through my ear. Whatever happens, the experience has allowed me to reflect on the last time I got something stuck in a bodily canal. 

For years, I didn’t think twice about using Q-Tips to clean my ears. It was something I’d always done. I’d heard the tips could break off, but I thought this always happened to somebody else, until that is, the day it happened to me. 

I met Dr. Petar Drača while I was leading the English conversation club at the American corner in Novi Sad. He was a gynecologist, his wife an anesthesiologist. I’d imagine they were in their late sixties or early seventies at the time. During dinner at their apartment one evening, they shared stories about their daughter, and their time Houston, Texas. Dr. Drača even got me a pair of ridiculously tight-fitting jeans with all sorts of designs on them when he saw I was struggling to find a decent pair of pants. Those jeans weren’t something I would have normally worn, but I was glad someone cared enough to do something like that for me when I was thousands of miles from home. Dr. Drača and his wife reminded me of my grandparents, who I missed terribly. 

Dr. Drača’s office was across the street from the American Corner, and up the street from the apartment I shared with Dragana. I continued leading the conversation club after I moved out of that apartment and into the one I’d later share with Zs., so I still got to see Dr. Drača’s office sign every Wednesday. 

I always thought I’d make it through life without requiring the services of a gynecologist like Dr. Drača. I hadn’t had any close calls since fifth grade, when Mrs. Layne had to remind me that I didn’t have ovaries after I freaked out about the possibility of ovarian cancer when it came up in health class or sex ed. Backed by Mrs. Layne’s anatomical assurance, I believed visiting a gynecologist was one less thing I’d have to worry about. I had no way of knowing how wrong I’d be, just as I’d been about my orange blood. If old habits die hard, old convictions die slowly.

As my relationship with Zs. deteriorated, so did my hygiene habits. Still, something I could not stand was a buildup of earwax. Removing it with a Q-Tip was one personal care routine I didn’t overlook. it required minimal effort, so it was perfect for someone in a weakened state of mind at the time, like me.

On probably a Tuesday, Zs.’s longest day at the university, I repeated the ritual of cleaning out my ears with a Q-Tip, as I had done thousands of times before without incident. Everything was fine until I heard the snap.

The tip of the Q-Tip I was using had broken off inside my ear; just like I’d been warned about hundreds of times.

Yet my first thought was not of my well-being:

Shit! If Zs. sees me like this, she’ll NEVER let me hear the end of it. She already hates me; the last thing I need to give her ammunition that comes from me having done something legitimately stupid. 

I knew I wouldn’t see Zs. for several hours, so I had time to think, but the paralysis of fear didn’t take long to kick in. had no idea how to go about getting the tip of the Q-Tip out of my ear. I didn’t have the tenderest of hands, so trying to remove it myself was out of the question. I had to think about not only how to explain my problem in Serbian, but also how to find someone who would help me no questions asked. I didn’t have health insurance at the time; there’d been no reason to. Being insured by an American carrier while overseas was cost-prohibitive, and health insurance wasn’t a requirement for foreigners in Serbia back then. I’d never been sick or damaged enough to need it.

Until that moment. 

The only doctor I knew I could trust was the same doctor who, due to his specialization, I could also assume would have tender hands. I decided I had to go see Dr. Drača the gynecologist and hope his wife, the anesthesiologist, could knock me out for three days after the removal, to spare me the wrath of Zs.

I found Dr. Drača‘s business card and called his number. Using a mixture of Serbian and English, I managed to explain what happened. He said I could stop by his office. Fortunately, I didn’t have to sit in stirrups; unfortunately, Dr. Drača didn’t have an appropriate instrument to remove the tip of the Q-Tip from my ear. He told me I’d need to see an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor (ENT). There was one in the office right next door, but as luck would have it, the doctor wasn’t in. I’d have to face the wrath of Zs. after all, and make an awkward trip to the Clinical Center of Vojvodina in the morning.

Zs. spent the night turned away from me as we slept, ridiculing me under her breath.

Dr. Drača had said the ENT could see me at 10:30 AM the next morning. A taxi could only take me so far due to restrictions on the types of vehicles allowed on the grounds. Dr. Drača had also told me exactly where I needed to go, but I’ve never been very good with directions. This left Q-Tip and me walking around in a state of confusion after I got out of the cab. 

For the next hour, I meandered through two or three buildings, saw my fair share of ambulances and gurneys, and started to wonder if I’d ever get the damn thing out of my ear. I didn’t ask for directions because I assumed most of the doctors and nurses I saw would be too wrapped up in their own worlds to help me. By the time I finally found the right place, I was so late that I was afraid the ENT wouldn’t be able to see me. 

I remembered something Zs.’s mother had once said when she came to visit after taking a notoriously behind schedule train from Subotica:

If you’re afraid of the end of the world, come to Serbia. It’ll get here a hundred years late. 

One part of me said that I didn’t have anything to worry about because Zs.’s mother was right. If the end of the world was going to take its time descending upon Serbia, why should I rush to see a doctor I’d never met, only for him to do something that will take all of a minute? I’d probably never see him again. What happened to me will become nothing more than a punchline at his next cocktail party, if that.  

As much as I had adapted to the more deliberate pace of life on the Balkans, the part of me that stil prized punctuality was panicking: “What happens if I can’t see the doctor? How long am I going to have to walk around with this thing in my ear? Zs. is going to love this.” Like I said, if old habits die hard, old convictions die slowly. 

Most of the patients I saw that day looked like the really needed to be there due to illness, not a hygienic mishap like I had. When I found someone who looked like a receptionist, I explained why I was there and who I’d come to see. I was certain she’d respond with, “You did what?” I wouldn’t have blamed her If she’d banished me to he section of the waiting room where old hardline Communists were playing cards with a disguised Ratko Mladić as they waited for Tito’s ghost to join them.

The ENT turned out to be a nice guy. He didn’t make fun of me though that would have been easy. When I explained that I had been referred to him after my unsuccessful gynecological visit, all he said was: 

“Who told you it was a good idea to clean out your ears with a Q-Tip?”

I wanted to shoot back:

“In Serbian, don’t you call those štapići za uši? Ear is part of the name. What was I supposed to do? It was an accident.” 

At that moment, I recalled how the consumerist culture I was born into called them Q-Tips, a brand name synonymous with the product itself, like Kleenex or Band-Aid. Would you know what to do if someone asked you for a cotton swab, facial tissue, or adhesive strip? I’d need a minute, just like I did when deciding how to respond. I thought I needed someone who’d help me no questions asked, yet the one question this man did ask me seemed perfectly reasonable.

“I don’t know. That’s how I’ve always done it,” I said. 

He removed the tip of the Q-Tip and told me that using a washcloth or anything less pointy would be a better choice to clean out my ears in the future. Alanis was right about the good advice that you just can’t take.

If necessity is the mother or invention, comfort is the mother of convention. My irony was that after trying an unconventional solution to a problem I created by doing something in a conventional manner, I ended up seeing a specialist for a dose of common sense.

Maybe doing things the way I’ve always done them isn’t always the best idea.  

I’m no gynecologist, but I’ll take a look.

[toastiko]

An Update & A Story

Hi guys. I’m finally taking action against my weed dependency. Each day, I’m taking one less hit than the day before. I actually haven’t tried quitting since I went cold turkey, the week before last Christmas. I was only able to stay sober until Christmas day for those wondering. Aside from the one visit to my father in February earlier this year, I’ve smoked every day since Christmas, 2019.

Now I lay here in bed, mostly sober and slightly depressed, wondering, how? How did weed become the top priority in my life?

These thoughts manifested during my sober week before Christmas, but now that I’m laying here, out of weed and sober enough, I can actually put my thoughts into words. Anyway, the main reason I started to abuse marijuana was because of my move from Michigan to Oklahoma (July 1st 2017). But there were a lot of small events that also contributed to the abuse too. The beginning of the abuse started around three years ago, but before we talk about that, you need to know how I was brought up. 

This next part is for my friends who I didn’t grow up with.  Read it if you want, you won’t make me cry if you don’t. 

Parts of the story below may sound like me just bragging. If you take it that way, that’s on you. I’m just trying to be as detailed as possible so people can get a proper understanding of how I was raised. 

In 2001, I was adopted at birth in Jackson, Mississippi. (I’ve always grown up knowing that I was adopted and some people think it’s a really touchy subject for me even though I couldn’t care less. In fact, I used to joke about it before my sense of humor vanished )         I was born with my feet completely backwards, or in other words, I had severe clubbed feet. At the age of 2, I had surgery and spent a year in walking casts. During that time, my parents and I in lived in a mansion until 2005, when hurricane Katrina came and shreked everything. So we moved to Oklahoma and lived in a low class barn for around 8 months. In 2007, my dad got a job offer in Lansing, Michigan, and that’s really when my life ‘started’.

The first memory I have of Michigan is driving down our beautiful dead end street with my eyes glued to the falling snow which I had never seen before. We lived in a three story house with a front yard the size of a soccer field and a backyard half the size of a soccer field, with a lake right behind it. Yeah, I had it good, but I didn’t even realize at the time because it was normal to for us to live in big houses. Now the two houses next to us had neighbors with kids my age. JC was one of these kids. The kid was huge - not fat, but well built. He was a French Canadian American who had lived there since birth. If I met him today for the first time, I don’t think we’d be friends, but JC, though he was the same age as me, felt like an older brother. He was disciplined (mostly), goofy, and a little arrogant at times, but we always had a good time when we got together. So most days after school, instead of hanging out with my best friend who lived far, far, down the road, I hung out with JC, and that’s what my life was like after school almost every day until he moved in 2014 (2015? I don’t know)

Now let me tell you about my parents. My dad is an American Armenian who was told by his parents as a child that he was going to grow up to be a heart surgeon, so that’s what he did. He’s disciplined, hardworking, wise - he’s pretty much the smartest person I know. But growing up, I despised him. He lacked empathy and could be extremely insensitive at times. But when things would go bad for me, he always knew exactly what to say and he knew how to get his point across. But I hated him while living in Michigan because I was obsessed with ONLY having fun and playing video games with my friends and he abhorred video games. He would guilt trip me when he’d walk into my room and find me playing something. One time, he even took away my xbox 360 after I failed a test, and said he’d give it back after a week. I never got it back. Despite the negatives, he taught me to not let my emotions get the best of me, he taught me how to remain calm, how to be humble, and so much more.

My mom, on the other hand is the COMPLETE opposite of my dad. She’s outgoing, sensitive, gullible, and unlike my dad, she could befriend ANYONE she meet. When she passes homeless people, she ALWAYS gives them money out of sympathy. To make it clear how nice she is,  if you sat Hitler down with her for some tea, Hitler would leave with his mustache shaved, and with a big, teeth grinning smile. She can make anyone like her. My mom spoiled me beyond senseless. She’d end my punishments early, she’d buy junkfood that the neighbors would eat up the next day, and she would buy me whatever I wanted under $200 and then say “Just don’t tell your father!” Even most of my friends at one point said, “Why can’t your mom be my mom?” However, my mom liked and still likes to live in a world where her feelings come before facts. She tends to get ripped off or scammed a lot when she bought stuff online or in person. Not to mention she sometimes follows the crowd instead of thinking critically. Ignoring her flaws, my mother taught me empathy, compassion, and love.

So having parents that were polar opposites from each other really balanced me out as a kid. I was (and still am) a shy boy, but I was quick to open up to whoever I trusted. Unless I was fighting with my parents, I rarely let my emotions control me. I’d be humble and respectful in public and or at school, and then I’d be my immature, batshit crazy and edgy self with my friends. 

My school life was okay. In 1st grade, I met my best friend, Christian.

2nd grade I had surgery on my feet again and missed 6th months of school. When third grade came, my dad convinced my mom to hold me back a grade since I missed so much and they switched me over to a private school. I cried and begged them to keep me in the same grade but the answer was ‘nope’. Today, I’m glad they held me back.

Life at the private school, STM, was vastly different than the public school I’d been going to. My grade had about 20 kids and I was the oldest there. All the boys were little jocks. Obsessed with sports. I played soccer and baseball a year before but sports wasn’t really my thing. The boys were nice to me though and I became friends with them, though I barely had anything in common with them. So I turned to the girls. I befriended most of the girls, and even sat at their side of the table at lunch everyday. I had a huge crush on a girl named Casey, and funnily enough, so did all the other boys. So I spent 2nd and 3rd grade trying to slide into Casey’s DM’s and by the end of the third grade, I was in. Well, I mean, we were extremely close. I went to her house, she went to mine, and I was a happy boy. So far, life was going well.

4th grade came and I was scared. Rumor had it that the 4th grade teacher was a mean bitch, and half of my other classmates had switched schools, leaving 9 kids in the class. So I convinced my parents to pull me out and move me to a bigger private school. STA.

This is where shit went down. I went to STA from grade 4 to grade 8. One day, in 5th grade, when we were all edgy, horny boys who had sex ed coming up in a week , eight of us went outside and I recorded a video of one of my friends, goofily explaining how to have sex in five steps. I uploaded the video to Youtube in 2013 titled, ‘Nick’s 5 special steps.’

Two days pass, and I’m sitting in my homeroom with the eight other boys and suddenly two of the school’s priests come in. I remember one thing Fr. A said that day. He made eye contact with every boy in the room besides me, and said,

“I hope to see you all in reconciliation because you all have a lot to atone for.”

I thought this was funny because I was Lutheran and didn’t do reconciliation. 

In a smart move, my dad made me delete my first youtube channel, epickarek, in fear that the school would file a lawsuit since the video showed minor’s faces. 

After that incident, life was pretty normal and uneventful up until 8th grade. In February, 2016, I was expelled. My friends at STA abhorred me. Those who were my friends a mere two days ago started sending me death threats.

 I started going to therapy and went to the public middle school in my area. Switching to that school was one of the best changes in my life. I made sure to tell no one about why I switched schools and within a few days, I had friends in every class. Not close friends, but friends that you could sit down at lunch and have a chat with. 

I started hearing the rumors during my second week there. One day, in math class, the girl in front of me, Savannah, turned around and asked out of nowhere, “Did you kill someone? I heard you did.” The classroom was tiny and there were about 8 people in the class so everyone heard, including the teacher, and they turned toward me, waiting for an answer. Instantly, I faintly laughed and said something along the lines of “I wouldn’t be sitting here if I did.” Everyone laughed and the class continued. The next day, it seemed like all 200 kids in my grade were focused on me. People constantly approached me, asking crazy questions and telling me the absurd rumors they heard. 

“I heard you stabbed someone.”

“Did you stab yourself?”

“What’s juvie like?”

“My friend at your old school says not to trust you. What did you do?”

The rumors drew more people to me, and ironically, I befriended most of those people once they saw that I wasn’t a psychopath. 

When the summer of 2016, came, I had my first serious girlfriend. Despite my parents being on the verge of a divorce, my life was at it’s peak. I had a girlfriend, a best friend, and a whole group of friends who felt like brothers. 

The next thing I know, It’s Christmas break and I’m in Oklahoma visiting family and she breaks up with me... for one of my friends. That led me to become super depressed, and angry. Very angry. Most of my friends were there for me. But talking about the breakup openly is the reason why everything went downhill from there. TLDR, My Ex, and myself BOTH overreacted.

I’m not going to tell the whole story online, but If you really want to know, I’ll tell you in person. 

Anyway, to shorten a long story, I got a call from my ex’s father saying if I don’t stay away from her, her family will take legal action. So, fearful of court, I respected his demand and stayed away. The next day when I got home from school, I found a FAT stack of papers on the kitchen table labeled, Personal Protection Order, aka a restraining order. I was furious and I stupidly posted to snapchat out of rage, roasting her about it. And within the next week, my family was in court with her’s. The judge, was the same judge who was working my parent’s divorce, (I don’t know why or how that’s allowed) and she did not like my dad, but she especially did not like my mom. Anyway, the PPO said on the front page that I wasn’t allowed to talk about her, ANYWHERE. Online or in person. so that’s why I was there. The judge banned me from the internet for until 2018 and I went home.

Stupidly, I violated the PPO twice after that (The judge then banned me from social media until 2019) and after the third time in court, the judge insulted my mother for how she raised me and I was found guilty, put into a squad car, and SHIPPED.

Like I said, if you want to know more details, just ask me in person. I’m getting pretty good at telling the story.

Fast forward a few weeks and it’s the last day of my freshman year of high school. I’ll never forget that day. I watched the people in my grade throw their hands up, celebrating and rushing out the doors, and I remember just standing there thinking, “I’m never going to see these guys again.”

What’s even worse was the fact that I was going to have to leave my group of around 8-12 friends.  And a few prior to the move, my best friend of 8 years ended our friendship because he was upset that I didn’t tell him that I was moving sooner. If that’s how he really felt, I don’t blame him, for I was depressed and acting strange.

My best friend strayed away from our group when he stopped talking to me so I really only had a few select people in my friend group that I could really call friends. Dillion, Josh, Keaton, Brock, (even maybe Preston) although I only spent around a year with them, we had powerful connections with each other. They felt like brothers. So when my mom said she was moving to Oklahoma, I was destroyed. I wasn’t going to let my mom move alone, but I was going to have to leave my support group. It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made. I remember the week before we moved, I drove all around Lansing, listening to the Guardians of the Galaxy II playlist and feeling numb.

Then we moved

Within two months of moving to Oklahoma, smoking weed had become a daily habit. I had already been introduced to it by some friends before I moved, so I was familiar with the drug. At first, It diminished my guilt. I didn’t have to think about my friends I left or my old best friend...

I didn’t have to constantly think about the nice cop leading me out of the downtown courthouse into his car in some loose handcuffs.

I didn’t have to think about being in that dark, concrete solitary cell for two days, going crazy thinking that my white, skinny ass was going to juvie for 21 days like the judge said...

I didn’t have to think about the satanic, traumatizing things I did to that person in 8th grade that I still struggle to forgive myself for....

I didn’t have to think about anything if I just smoked my problems and sadness away. 

My first three days as a sophomore were miserable. I had already been to 7 different schools (ask me) and I was exhausted with the thought of having to start over with making new friends. So me, already depressed, convinced my mom to let me do online classes at home.

By the summer of 2018, my cousin had introduced me to his group of friends and we all got along pretty well. We smoked everyday until the end of summer. As fall drew near, I was PARANOID. I was two years younger than most of my friends and I thought I was annoying to them and felt like I intruded on their group, so I distanced myself. I stopped snapping the group chat and stopped inviting them over. I pushed them away because I was paranoid. I had never been as paranoid as I was until I started smoking weed.

2019 came and despite it being the end of my internet ban, I was broken. Being high was the new sober. My highs started turning into a buzz and only a buzz. It didn’t make me laugh or smile, it just made me a lazy husk that played video games and watched youtube endlessly. 

When the summer of 2019 arrived, my cousin came to spend the summer with me. Now, I don’t want to rant about other people anymore so I’ll just say this. He knew I was broken. It was clear as day; I’d wake up, sit at my desk all day, then go to sleep. Despite my attempts at open conversation, he was never willing to be vulnerable with me, even when Etika died. So when the end of summer came, we were both very condescending and passive aggressive toward one another.

After that summer, I was left still high, insecure, mean, emotionless, and lonely. I didn’t want to contact my Michigan friends because was a little bitch. I was afraid they would see what I’d become and they’d distance themselves from me, so I turned to the internet. I knew that I had fans and friends that waited two years for my return, so I started streaming. All was going well, but despite all of my internet friends, I wasn’t happy. Not knowing the source of my unhappiness, I continued to smoke and stream, slowly ignoring my internet friends over time, and I continued neglecting myself.

Then mid December came. I don’t remember how it happened, but I stopped smoking for a week. It was during that week that I realized what I just typed above. I was emotionless - I hadn’t genuinely laughed in months, I felt pressured to stream. My relationships sucked and were fading day by day, so I stopped smoking. 

Christmas soon came and to simply put it, I relapsed. One small hit. That’s all it took. I took one tiny vape hit on Christmas evening and I’ve been smoking everyday since then. 

I’ve wrote this not because I want pity, but because I want to help my friends understand me a little better.

To all of my friends,  I know I’ve been distant from all of you. Please, just be a little more patient with me, I’m getting there. :) 

Anyway... I started writing this mini essay on July 31st and I’ve spent 6 days working on this. I’ve never talked about some of this stuff openly so it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. My final thoughts are in my post that precedes this. Thanks for reading, I love you all, be safe, don’t catch the VID, and remember,

Dicks out for Harambe.