#so glad he mentioned this cuz i've been complaining about it for years like not everything has to be so aggressive

[userarmand]

It’s a very tactile film, I think. There’s so much touching […] The sex was really important. But what I think is radical about it is how tender these two men are with each other.

[notebookmusical]

Happy birthday!!! Yay I'm glad your voice is a little bit better but it's also funny to me that I have no idea what it even sounds like either..as many times as you've talked about it. It's one of the weird things about just talking online. For me, I get in the habit of just thinking everyone sounds like me haha jk. Also your crafty painting looks good! I admire your dedication to make so many bracelets since I'm not crafty at all..maybe that's something I could work on in the new year. Yes I want to see Company and I said possibly Mean Girls but I won't really know until it gets closer. Ooh I think seeing Spring Awakening would be so fun and cool!

So I can't remember if you're 26 or 27 today..but a fun fact is that Paramore has a song called 26 and Fall Out Boy also has a song called 27! I actually just became aware of the 27 one this year lol and have only heard it like twice but still! I also learned of a song called 24 this year by Switchfoot when Tyler Joseph of twenty one pilots covered it. So there are songs from 22 to 27 and I find that so cool. Right where you left me wasn't out when I turned 23..although I really could've used it back then and Nothing New but I had 23 by Jimmy Eat World which is one of the best most favorite songs ever! Also Blink 182...lol. And the pretty reckless, Taylor Momsen's band has a song called 25. But since we were just talking about Paramore and Fall Out Boy, I thought I would share! The only thing is..I'm not sure they even mention a lyric in the song..I think it's just the title. I hope you are liking their first album and the songs I recommended..but I'm glad you're going in order. Let me know what you think but also take your time! I'm sorry if the list of songs I recommended seemed overwhelming..I just love a lot of their songs.

So in a new quote Hayley Williams talked about how Taylor originally wanted her to sing on a different vault song and now I'm so curious which one it was. Possibly Electric Touch or I can See You. If it was I Can See You, that wouldve been awesome but I'm also happy with Castles Crumbling too. When we first heard I Can See You, my sister said the song fit Fall Out Boy more and he should have sang on that one instead of Electric Touch but the collabs are so good. I also suspected maybe it was Drama Queen cuz Hayley said she didn't connect to it or the sound that much..idk. but it makes me happy it was her choice cuz a lot of Paramore fans were complaining at first that Hayley didn't get to sing or show her vocals enough. I love their friendship and will be happy when they are back on tour together.

Wow it does seem like a lot of vinyls but think of it as a treat to yourself. I've never understood having a vinyl for one song though..I find that so interesting lol. You mostly have good taste and it seems like it makes you happy. Also..I like the new url and I'm definitely going to listen to the Fruitcake EP next week closer to Christmas! I did watch her new video though.

So I did not get a chance to watch the Eras movie yet but hopefully soon. But I did see the pics Taylor posted of her bday and I loved her outfit sooo much! She looked so good and really happy. Some people even have theories about TS11 based on the outfit but it also just felt like Midnights to me! However I'd love an album where she leaned into astrology or constellation stuff too. My sister loves stars so it could be really cool and I wonder what it would be like but it seems similar to Midnights too. I don't think this is as soon as other people think but I think it's fun to think about sometimes. Anyway I think today is also the day the CATS movie came out and I went to see it cuz I was soo excited my two worlds were colliding. Did you ever watch the movie..lol. I know some people were unhappy with it but I thought it was fine..I think people just don't get the musical, and it didn't really translate as a movie or onscreen at all. But I loved the musical with the costumes when I saw it last year and I like a lot of the songs. I'm pretty sure Today is also the day I watched La La Land for the first time too!!! Big day for my worlds colliding! I can't remember if you watched it..but that movie was literally made for me and loved up to my expectations! Now Taylor confirmed the choreographer from La La Land was recommended by Emma and she wanted something more theatrical for this tour..so I'm excited to pay attention to it more when I watch the movie! stuff like focusing on different dancers throughout will be interesting.

Omg I think I forgot to ask you your favorites on Folklore and Evermore! So please tell me and I will try to answer your question. I don't think my rankings have changed much, but I loved the rerecordings and it especially made me appreciate Speak Now more. For me, I don't spend a lot of time replaying full albums and her older music feels too nostalgic so I don't really hear it so I always put it last..sorry but that's the only reason. I guess I just prefer her newer stuff more. I think it would be Folklore, Rep, Red, Lover, Midnights, Evermore, Speak Now, 1989, Fearless, Debut. The middle was hard and I'm sure switch around a lot but I'm sure of my top 3 and bottom 3 I guess. What about you? I hope you have fun at your hockey game and have a fantastic fun birthday weekend!!! 🩷🩷🩷

thank you so much!! 🥺🥺 my voice is actually mostly back — except i was talking to my friend last night (one of my best friends came over with the blank space stabby cake and told me to go at it and stab, which was quite fun) and my voice got a little squeaky near the end! and isn't that so weird? i have a little made up voice for a lot of my internet friends, and it never matches with how they actually sound in real life! i love crafty time! i was thinking of tracking that in my new planner for next year (i'm terrible at habit tracking, which is something i want to be better at too)!

mean girls could be fun! i was supposed to see taylor louderman's last matinee, but then had to sell my ticket to a friend (i was ... hungover) and then missed it when it was in seattle on tour! i'm quite curious about the movie though.

i turn 26 today! which is quite horrifying! trying not to think too much about the birthday scaries! i started listening to some fall out boy too — i listened to the so much (for) stardust album twice, and i really liked it! i definitely need to listen to it more so i know the lyrics for the concert, but i'm really excited now especially since i know i like a lot of the songs! i will go listen to 26 by paramore in a bit 🤍 i was using "25 years old, oh how were you to know" from dancing with our hands tied and "i was 25 and afraid to go outside a millennial that baby-boomers like" from give yourself a try! you are totally fine! i was talking to a friend (who also loves paramore + FOB) about my quest to get into their music and how i usually listen to albums on my walks with toto! but we get distracted a lot (we usually run into neighbors and such) but it's been fun!

i could see hayley on either of those songs! and i do think (from my brief FOB knowledge) that patrick would also sound really good on i can see you! i think it's really interesting that the same thing happened with lana — fans were like "there's not a lot of them on here", and then it turned out to be their own choice!

thank you for the url compliment! and i hope you like fruitcake! i just think it's fun! :")

i've been seeing a lot about the new theories and i'm definitely curious! andddd yes i did see the cats movie (at home) and i... am not a cats the musical fan haha. we actually have beef. my mom and i saw it on tour and someone broke into my mom's car during it and i have been like 😡 that's the show where my mom's car got broken into 😡 ever since. but the dancing/choreo in that show is beautiful, and i loved the taylor song for it! i did watch la la land! i was reading about the mandy moore interview yesterday and thought that was so cool!

ooh i think my favorites on folklore are: cardigan, mirrorball, this is me trying, and peace, and then on evermore: marjorie, right where you left me, cowboy like me, coney island and long story short! </33333 everyone's least favorite is always debut 😭 my top three are: debut, red, and speak now, and then i think folklore, fearless, and evermore, then lover, midnights, 1989, and then reputation. i'm not quite sure of the middle rankings but i am also confident in my top three and last three!

thank you so much! i'm super excited for the hockey game 🤍 hope you have a nice weekend!

[intrepidmare]

MARE'S RECAPS ~ THE MANDALORIAN: CHAPTER 9 "THE MARSHALL"

Oh wow! It's been a while since I've done something like this. Last year, I caught up with season 1 about 2 days before the finale, so I didn't have the opportunity to write reviews/recaps. This season, though, I'm going to 😀 so here it is the first one! 

For the folks that haven't seen the premiere and don't want spoilers, scroll past this, fast and furious, because it's full of them. If you want to blacklist tags to avoid spoilers from me, I suggest that you add #mando spoilers, #the mandalorian season 2 spoilers, and #mare's mando recaps to the list.

I've seen the episode a few times (yeah, I'm that obsessed with the show) so some of my reactions are more visceral than others since I was too excited the few first times I watched it and I missed a lot of details (another reason to rewatch the episode more than once). This recap is loooooong, which is an indication of how amazing it was.

So this my final warning to those avoiding spoilers. Stop reading, right now. The rest of you… enjoy and let me know if you share some of my opinions. I'm always open to chat 😊

Chapter 9 ~ The Marshall

So it begins! It's so exciting!

I knew that Mando and baby Yoda walking in the street at night was going to be the opening scene. I started to think about it after watching the second trailer, and I'm glad that I was right.

It turns out that the red-eyed creatures were not jawas as I saw some people saying.

Baby Yoda was not happy with the little excursion to the fighting arena. Not walking on the streets nor inside watching the fight. I still laughed when he locked himself up in the pram, even if I've watched the trailer like a gazillion times by now and I knew he was going to do it.

And talking about the baby, he's getting more vocal I think. He's making a few new noises, whimpering more, which I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. That he complains more means that he feels safe with his buir and isn't afraid of retaliation for it as he probably was with others in the past and the reason he didn't cry much in season 1. But it breaks my heart that he is stressed. And that child is anxious, I can tell you that much.

The fight with Gor Koresh's thugs was awesome! The gamorrean flying to squash Mando and failing had me cracking up. And omg! Din'd moves! Using his helmet as a weapon and throwing his vibroblade. And leaving Gor Koresh to be eaten! Man of his word, he didn't kill the guy.

On a side note, I would've never guessed it was John Leguizamo who gave voice to Koresh until I saw the credits. Of all the actors who could play the part, I never thought of him.

Umm, I'm curious about the time Mando has spent in Tatooine, which according to him it's been a lot and it makes sense since he knows so much about the Tuskens, their language and culture. I'm guessing he spent a while among them. He had to learn all that somehow. 

When I speculated that Mando was going back to Tatooine after watching the trailers, I said that I was going to riot if he didn't visit his favorite mechanic. Thankfully, I didn't need to worry. I loved Peli in episode 5 of season 1 and I loved her even more now remarking on Din's dislike of droids and trying to keep the baby for herself. Not to mention she complaining about not getting good help these days 🤣

And I ADORE the (improvised?) Birikad Din got for the baby. Of course, the baby is safer in the pram, right (guessing that's why he used it when he met Gor Koresh), but there's something sweet watching him carrying his son so close to him.

And I tell you, Mando has been spending credits lately in baby stuff. I mean, he got a new pram (which I initially thought it was the original that he had somehow retrieved from the garbage in Nevarro, but no, it's not the same, and neither it's the one that Kuiil made) and he also got the bag/birikad thing, which looks brand-new. I wonder what else he bought.

Watching the droids doing maintenance of the Razor Crest makes me think it's all for nothing, knowing that in a few episodes (it might be even in the next one) Mando is going to crash the ship. More than once perhaps.

😆 The baby still loves speed! I think riding on the speeder bike was the only moment that he truly enjoyed in this episode. Look at that happy face 

When they arrived at Mos Pelgo and Din went into the cantina, leaving the baby outside, I was like: Din! That's not responsible. How can you leave your son out in the inclement sun, alone! Then baby Yoda peeked in and I went: never mind. I take back what I said.

Oooh. Cobb Vanth! I love him! For a moment, I thought it could actually be Boba but it seemed illogical and that's what Mr. Feloni and Mr. Favreau wanted us to think. I was correct.

My gawd! Din's shock when Vanth took the helmet off. I just knew he would freak out the moment Cobb asked for drinks and I said to drink they need to remove their helmets and Mando is going to lose it when this guy does. And the standoff! Was so good! "Take it off or I will" is going to become a quite popular phrase in fics from now on, not in the same context, but yeah…

The krayt dragon… oh shit! Or rather Dank farrik! We can't see Mando's face or expression but I can imagine which one was when he saw the dragon eating the bantha the first time.

Oh my goodness. The baby hiding in the pot! Too adorable! 

I know every hardcore SW fan lost it watching Vanth modified speeder because is a callback to the Phantom Menace and Anakin but my first thought was: is he compensating for something? Sorry, I couldn't help it 

The dog-lizard creatures were kinda scary at first but then became adorable. Almost as much as baby Yoda getting out of hiding

Baby Yoda doesn't like dog-lizards things. He looked afraid to be eaten I think. Poor little guy.

And look at that! Din showing such growth! To think he was the one incensing others in negotiation 😆 this is a total callback to the jawas in Arvala-7. And I gotta tell you, Din freaking loves his flamethrower. He doesn't waste the opportunity to use it.

The krayt dragon eating the Tusken raider instead of the bantha was quite of a plot twist 😆

When they were planning the attack on the dragon, Cobb Vanth's face when Din told him that the bones and pebbles were to scale, and then when he had volunteered the villagers to help… priceless! 

I like the fact of banding together with others for a greater good, relying on others to accomplish something is going to continue being the theme of this season. It started last season but I think it's going to be stronger this time around along all of the episodes.

😳😲😳😲 this thing vomits acid?! What. The. FUCK?!!!

Cobb: I don't think it's dead

Mando: me neither

Me, at the same time as Din: yeah, nope it's not dead

Oh yeah! Teaming up with jetpacks!

When they showed the bantha with the remaining explosives my first thought was why didn't they use all those before?! That's why they didn't kill it!! Of course, it was just an excuse to grant Din a more grand win in the end, but you know, it's stupid not to use everything you have to kill the monster on the first try. Just saying

Wait, what? Din! What are you going to do? No! Taking care of the child is your responsibility, not Cobb Vanth's! I hate this plan of yours, Din Djarin!! Whichever it is!

Oh! Nice callback to the flaw on that jetpack. But makes me wonder, do all the rising Phoenixes have the same flaw? Cuz unless Din knows Boba in person and that it's his armor with that particular flaw, it means it's a common problem for all and I don't like it.

Get away, Din! Get away, Din!! FLY AWAY!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! NOOOOOO! 

There he is! Damn, Mando! Don't scare me like that! Altho, it was a nice move.

Okay, but now I want someone to explain something to me. If the dragon's acid melted people at contact before, how the hell is Din so whole? I mean, sure for argument' sake let's say his beskar armor provides some protection, but he's not entirely covered in it. His cape and undersuit seem just fine, albeit sticky. Where's the logic in that?

The tuskens getting the pearl reminded me of the jawas and the mudhorn's egg, chanting zukka, zukka (or however egg is spelled in Jawa).

That's quite a piece of meat. The baby is going to be happy eating off it for days🤣

😮😮😳😳 BOBA FETT!!!!! Yesssssss!!

Okay, I've seen other people's thoughts and some think that Boba was after Cobb Vanth because he had the armor, but I don't know. If that was true then why he hadn't gone to Mos Pelgo and got it? It seems to me that it's more likely that Boba is following Din somehow because it's the second time in as many Mando's visits to the planet that they sort of cross paths. Could they know each other? Have some score to settle? It's possible. Din has spent much time on Tatooine -his words, not mine- so it wouldn't be so out of consideration that they actually know each other. That if Mando knows Boba is (fake?) Mando, I don't know. Probably not, but who knows?

Extra thoughts

I gotta say that Ludwig Göransson is killing it with the score music! Oh. My. God! So so so so good! I could tell from the trailers that it was going to be awesome this season but it astounded me in chapter 9. Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous! My favorite piece is when they're going to the dragon's cave to kill it. The orchestral sound of the already familiar music blew my mind!

[sanzu-sanzu-sanzu]

Hello there to my fav person 👻

I think it's been so long since I last talked to u 😔 I finished school alreadyyy so I have vacations until february 💃💃 my spanish teacher graded my autobio a while ago and I got full points😎 he said: "excellent, very organized the story of your life and very interesting. good job" I think it's funny cuz it makes me wonder if he even read it??? cuz I barely wrote anything abt myself, it was mostly abt my friends and other people, the most I talked abt me was just me full on complaining abt my name and how ppl can't say or write it right even tho IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SUPER EASY ON SPANISH (I actually slandered my teacher on it too pls cuz he can't say my name right either lmaooo)

but welp even tho i'm on vacations rn, I have to work almost everyday so I've been busy busyyy and tomorrow I have to work 16hrs 🚶

I hope you're having a great time visiting ur fam!!! visiting a lot of familiars can be a hassle (especially when u don't even know who they are LMAO it happens to me a lot mostly on new years) but all in all it's still fun bahskks

oh also! ur hospital emoji anon is so cute haahhsjs 😭

HOPE U'RE ENJOYING THE HOLIDAYS, STAY SAFE AND WARM, AND EAT LOTS OF YUMMY FOOD 😋 MWAH LOVE U

(gnight for when u'll sleep cuz i think it's night for u rn 💙)

BEL!!!!! MY NO. 1 😚 MY FAVORITE, MY LOVE!!! it has been long yeah! ahaha but it’s cool, it’s cool, i see you on my tl frequently and i know you’ve been busy ☺️😚 and i’m glad school’s over for you now! feb wow that’s great, and i hope you’re having fun at work, as well?! tho 16hrs today omg i hope you get to have rest at least.. i hope you’re not so stressed 😭 pls take breaks, too!!

congrats on your autobio by the waaaay ahahahaha your teacher does sound funny.. some teacher be like that lmao. and omg! yk what i have a similar thing with my full first name lol people normally can’t pronounce it properly plus it’s super far from my nickname ie. the name most people call me by..and anyway i just don’t mention it anymore cus i dont wanna keep explaining the pronunciation so like 90% of people i know don’t know my actual first name ahahaha

ahaha it’s been quite a fun past few days with my fam actually ahahaha (surprisingly!) so i’m glad. my whole extended fam is big and we’re only about half now but it’s still been very loud and rowdy lol. it’s nice, considering i haven’t planned on coming home this yr actually. tho i’m also glad i’ll be alone again in about a week ahahaha.

and yes! my hospital anon’s messages make me smile all the time 🤣

it’s 11pm on the 24th right now here! i’m assuming it’s like 24th am right now over there with you? (i hope i’m not wrong 🤣) so i guess this is a MERRY CHRISTMASSSSS!!! from me to you!!! 💖 i hope you were able to rest from work already, and get to enjoy the rest of the day with your fam!! - or with your friends or on your own if you’re the type to prefer those!)

wishing you all the yummy foods, as well :) I LOVE YAAAA, BEL!!!!! 💙💙💙

[lokidiabolus]

Hey, Misha! Needless to say, I absolutely adore your writing 💓 I've always loved Childhood Friends!AU and I was wondering if you're keen on writing a prompt (or more prompts, it's not like I would be complaining haha!) about Newtmas as childhood friends? It would be so cool!

To be completely honest, childhood friends!AU is one of my favourite tropes ever. I had several ideas in my head for it, but this one occured to me y-day after p browsing internet, finding a picture of unrequired love kind of thing. I'll probably return to the childhood friends!au with different ideas, but I just had to get this one out ^^

Ao3 Version.

Newt was born in England, Brighton, but when hewas five, his family decided to move to America and settle down in a house witha white fence and a dog, living the American dream.  Newt hated it there – he hated how peoplespoke, he hated how they laughed, how they behaved, how nothing was like he wasused to. He missed his friends and their little house near the coast, the airand the beaches.

After a year he got used to his new life to adegree where he didn’t whine to his parents anymore, but secretly remainedbitter about people around him, until the first day of the first grade where hemet Thomas in his class.

Thomas was a kid of the same age; with bigbrown eyes and really adorable way of pronouncing “squirrel” (that was also whyNewt remembered him so well right the first day). He didn’t live too far fromNewt’s house, just few blocks actually, and he was the friendliest person Newtmet in America so far. They became friends very fast and 11 years later Newt consideredhim his best friend he could tell everything to.

Well, almost everything.

He started crushing on him when he was aboutfifteen, but if he really wanted to be honest, he probably somehow fell in lovewith Thomas’ adorableness right in the first grade and it stuck to him like aglue. He tried to get rid of the feeling at first, because hey, two guys andThomas being straighter than an arrow didn’t really offer anything but trouble,but he failed miserably, so he just decided to ignore the problem until it wouldeventually go away.

He was 17 now and it was still there. Newt wouldeven say worse than before, especially when Thomas started to date his highschool sweetheart Teresa and Newt had no idea what to do with himself. He wasstill the best friend, still the main person Thomas turned to and telleverything (sadly definitely everything)but how the creeping desperation inside of him progressed, Newt started to hatehimself with passion and the fear of not fulfilling the expectation of the TheBest FriendTM was eating him up alive.

“You’re awfully quiet today.”

Newt jolted and almost spilled his drink he wasabsentmindedly holding all this time, while sitting in Thomas’ bedroom,completely ignoring the TV that was playing. He didn’t even know why he cameover in the end, but it probably involved Teresa not being present. Spendingalone time with Thomas had been rather difficult lately, but Newt thought itwas better, since it would give him less chances to screw up.

“Sorry,” he put the glass with drink on thetable, wiping his hand to his trousers. “Just thinkin’.”

“’bout?” Thomas’ voice was full of curiosityand Newt sometimes thought he should work harder on pretending everything wasfine before Thomas would put one and one together.

“How lame your hair is today,” he shot back,glancing at his friend with a perfectly faked smirk, and Thomas sputtered.

“Noooo…”

“You look like an idiot,” he insisted, becausehey, Thomas really did look strange with the hair being all up and ready to runaway, judging from the weird angles it had. He kind of guessed it was Teresa’sinfluence or something, but it didn’t mean it looked good. Thomas groaned andslid down his bed and onto the floor like sack of potatoes.

“Fuck, I really hate it too,” he heard himsaying. “But I tried; therefore no one should criticize me.”

“Go wash it,” Newt nudged him and Thomascrawled away, whining all the way to the bathroom, and then some more frominside. He was dating Teresa for about four months now and Newt was alreadyspotting her touch on all kind of things – the hair, some clothes, even musictaste. All things were screaming no toNewt, but he couldn’t really say much about it, unless he wanted to upsetThomas marginally (unless it was really bad, like the hair today). They weremeeting up less too, gaming together felt like impossible task and all the freetime got usurped with deadly accuracy, as if on purpose. But Newt was braveenough to say it couldn’t be Teresa’s aim, because he was really trying hisbest to pretend, and nobody found out yet. Thomas even preferred her most ofthe time and Newt wasn’t the one to complain, it was usually other Thomas’friends who did.

Or was it because he wasn’t loud enough?Because he acted so reconciled with the fact Thomas was in love with somebodyelse?

No, he thought. Can’t be it. Would be weirder if I whined about it.

“Phew, that’s better,” Thomas emerged back fromthe bathroom, towel around his shoulders and his hair wetly plastered on hishead. “That’s for me believing what a girl is saying.”

“Feels bad, man,” Newt commented with a smile andThomas sat next to him on the floor with a sigh. The TV played some randomdrama and Thomas seemed too interested in it, which meant something wasbothering him but he tried to pretend everything was fine.

Newt tilted his head to the side and nudged himagain.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly and Thomasmade a face at the TV. Newt wasn’t sure if it the scene was that bad, since hebarely paid attention, or if it meant he didn’t want to talk about any problemthat could be occurring.

“Think I’m a shitty bf,” Thomas said with hiseyes still fixated on the screen. Newt stared back at him with no idea what thehell to say, until Thomas finally glanced towards him with embarrassedexpression.

“What,” Newt managed, his mind reeling. True,it was kind of strange Thomas wasn’t with Teresa as he always did, or at leaston the phone texting her, but he didn’t really think much of it until now. “Why?”

“Cuz she’s not happy,” Thomas answered withsurprising calm.

“Not happy?” Newt repeated incredulously. Whatelse she wanted from Thomas than what he was already giving her? They werebasically always together lately too. “She told you or something?”

“She didn’t need to,” Thomas shrugged, but itlooked rather weak. “She’s not happy cuz I’m not happy.”

Then break up withher, Newt greedyside wanted to say, but he forced himself to stop. Under no circumstances hewould say something like that, ever. Hewas going to support Thomas because he was his best friend, even though herepeated it in his head like mantra too many times so it would still be true.

“Did something happen between you?” he askedinstead, carefully, like walking over broken glass, and Thomas shook his head. “Youtalked about it with her?” Thomas nodded. “And?”

“I guess it’s kinda over?” Came a reply andNewt’s heart almost stopped. They broke up? Broke up for real?

Nonono, stop thinkingabout it!

“’m sorry to hear that, man,” Newt forced outas apologetically as he could and patted Thomas on his back. “Can I do anythingfor you to feel better?”

Because of course his stupid, greedy self wouldsay that. Like oh great, you broke up,let’s spend more time together again, so I can get my dose like a junkie beforeit’s too late!

“You being here is already doing a lot,” Thomassmiled at him gratefully and Newt kind of wanted to cry. This was not fair andyet it absolutely was, and in the end it changed nothing and it never would.Teresa might have been out of picture, but there were going to be other girls,other dates and relationships and Newt was stagnating on one spot, unable tomove forward, the best friend watching from side lines.

“Anytime, man,” he said anyway and when Thomasrested his head on Newt’s shoulder like a content overgrown cat, Newt waspretty sure he was soon going to burn in hell.

***

“Man, I’m so jelly of that guy.”

“Huh?” Newt raised his head from the notes whenWinston was staring into his phone like somebody sent him a death threat.

“I wanted to buy a ticket for today’s B-Clubperformance, but they are all sold out already,” Winston whined, uselesslyclicking on order while getting errormessages.

“That rubbish band?” Newt raised an eyebrow andWinston made a face at him.

“They may be rubbish, but it’s full of prettyladies, sue me,” he commented with pursed lips and Newt shook his head with achuckle. “And that bastard Thomas already have a ticket!”

“What?” that made Newt alert again, this timewith confused undertone. Thomas never listened to the band, quite frankly nevereven paid them much attention, despite the fact it was full of young girls, andsuddenly had a ticket for the show? Why?

“That chick Brenda got him one,” Winston letout a sigh. “Seriously. Lucky bastard, scoring a date and ogling at one night.”

A date?

Newt hated how his stomach clenched at that,like somebody was kicking him repeatedly. It had been two weeks since the break-upwith Teresa and Thomas fell back into his let’shang out every day routine with Newt. They usually had at least dinnertogether, either at Newt’s or Thomas’ home, and their parents were like: oh, glad to see you coming here again [name]!It was almost like they were kids once more, playing videogames or justtalking, even helping each other with assignments. Thomas never mentioned anyBrenda during the talks, and Newt was perfectly sure if there was a dating possibility,he would tell Newt as the first person. And Newt would smile and congratulatehim, as he always did, and the meetings would diminish, as they always did, andeverything would be the same once more.

But now he didn’t know about anything thatmight have even resemble Thomas wanting to date, and unless he met her justtoday and she immediately gave him a ticket for a rubbish show, it just fellout of the learned way of Thomas’ behaviour pattern.

He despised himself the moment he grabbed hisphone and sent Thomas a message about tonight’s dinner, because his masochisticside of wanting to suffer just couldn’t be repressed, apparently. Surely Thomaswould tell him about dating. Surely Winston just heard wrong?

Thomas – 14:21 – Sorrymy man, can’t tonight! Call it for tomorrow though, ayyy!

Newt sent something neutral back, he knew that,it was a well learned move, and then the rest of the day somehow passed as ablur.

***

“Chinese food.”

“Your favourite,” Thomas responded proudlywhile presenting the kitchen table full of white, neat boxes. The food in themsmelled fantastic and there was too much for just two of them, and Newt bit histongue in order to keep any questions about yesterday inside. Thomas waspractically glowing and he knew that kind of state – falling in love, beingobsessed, overdosed with endorphins. Newt had no bloody right to pry into it ifThomas didn’t want to tell him, and maybe it was easier with the blissedoblivion for a little longer.

“You’re too nice,” he said instead withpracticed smile, and no, he was happy for him, he was glad Thomas was in goodmood and in great place right now. He was still his best friend, and bestfriends were basically family. He was (bitterly) happy for him. “What’s theoccasion?”

“You looking like an advertisement for Twiggyfashion?” Thomas joked and pulled a chair away, gesturing for Newt to sit down.

Oh no, Newt thought. He’s going to drop something huge. He’s never this super nice without areason.

“Thomas,” he eyed him warily, but the brunetjust grinned and gestured towards the chair again, so Newt sat down and hopedfor the best. “You’re creeping me out now.”

“Oh no, this soon?” Thomas faked a shock andNewt wanted to groan. “What are you going to say after the candles and themarching band I ordered to play your favourite song?”

“I’d just rather die already,” Newt buried hisface in his hands and Thomas laughed in honest amusement and patted his back.

“Oh c’mon, Newtie, you know you love it anyway,”he had the nerve to wink at him and when he finally sat down on the other chairand handed Newt one of the boxes without pulling a bouquet of roses out of hisass, Newt could relax a little.

“So, I had been thinking,” Thomas started and Newtbraced for the inevitable as casually as he could. It was fine, a good friendordering his favourite food while telling him something insane, like thatwhoever Brenda had been was now pregnant and Thomas was dropping out of schoolto marry her to have a nice house at the beach, a golden retriever and a whitefence.

Good grief, I hopenot, for his own sake.

“I hope it didn’t hurt,” Newt piped withoutlooking at him when Thomas grew quiet. “You rarely use your brain, don’t strainit too much in one go.”

“Oi, I use it when it counts!” Thomas retortedback with a smile in his voice and Newt’s mouth curled up in a smile too,almost involuntarily. He kept his eyes on the food though, just to be sure.

“So?” he asked matter-of-factly and Thomassighed.

“Are you not going to look at me at all tonight?”

Newt blinked and glanced up, spotting Thomas’sour expression aimed at him.

“Huh?” he let out stupidly. “Uh, sorry. Lookingat you now.”

The sour expression stayed and Newt cleared histhroat and put the box back on the table.

“Sorry,” he repeated. “What’s yours I had been thinking thing then?”

“Eh, never mind, the mood is gone,” the brunetshrugged and reached for his food as well. “My bad.”

He didn’t elaborate even when Newt was glaringat him for a full minute after and then half of the first episode of Scrubs.

***

It came as no surprise when Thomas couldn’tcome for dinner the next day or the day after. It gave Newt the right message,and quite frankly he was a little glad he managed not to hear Thomas out theother day, because even when he could imagine what Thomas had to say, it wouldstill take too much effort to keep straight face during it. So he was nowcontent with the Schrodinger relationship that kept Thomas busy and justwallowed in his own self-pity for a change.

Was it going to be like this forever? Was hegoing to pin after him until he would be old and wrinkly and Thomas would havea wife, and kids and grandkids and occasionally invite Newt over for the good old-timesake while sporting his wife’s favoured brand of clothes and hairstyle?

Am I going to bebitter and alone forever because I just can’t give up?

He took his phone, his eyes fixated on Thomas’name in the chat log, and the last message was a lil busy this week, I will make it up to you.

“Make it up to me,” he read out loud, the lightfrom the phone almost blinding him in the dark room where he was hidden underthe covers.

Newt – 20:11 – Hey, Ireally miss you. Hewrote, then his fingers stopped and got back to the delete button, erasing thewhole message.

Newt – 20:15 – I loveyou since the first grade and can’t stop thinking about you. He wrote again, his fingerstrembling, and it hurt inside. He left the text shine on the screen for awhile, reading it over and over again, but it didn’t make it a lie, it didn’terase the truth in the words. He deleted it again until there was only ablinking cursor staring back at him, mockingly challenging him to writesomething that wouldn’t completely destroy the friendship he clung to almosthis whole life.

Newt – 20:30 – Hey! Anyplans for tonight? :)

He hit sent and tossed the phone next to him onthe mattress, leaving it bounce several times before landing screen down,muting the light. He knew what answer to expect and didn’t want to read itanytime soon.

The sleep claimed him almost immediately.

***

“Newtie, you’re getting old,” said Thomas’voice in his dream. It was warm and friendly and Newt imagined him sitting onhis bed, gently stroking his hair while smiling down at him.

“Am I?” he asked back, basking in the raremoment of calmness, free of bitter reality and his own wicked thoughts abouthis best friend.

“Falling asleep so early,” Thomas was stillsmiling and his hand was warm on Newt’s cheek, caressing it. “Is there somethingon your mind?”

“You,” Newt responded back and it was so easyand liberating to say it. “It has always been you.”

The caressing stopped for a fraction of second,but then Thomas was leaning down, tilting Newt’s chin up, and his lips were alittle dry, but Newt loved the kiss anyway. It was soft and gentle, like sailingon waves of serenity and when Thomas started to pull away, he boldly chased hislips, stealing one more kiss before letting go, swiping his tongue over Thomas’lower lip in satisfaction.

“I know it’s a little overdue, but,” Thomas’voice was lower now, huskier, and Newt goddamn loved this kind of dream. He lethis best friend, his unfulfilled love, to sit over him like a knight waking upa princess and it was ridiculous to think about it that way, but it fitted sowell Newt just had to chuckle at the thought.

“What?” There was evident confusion in Thomas’eyes, but Newt wished it away – not here, not now. Thomas, his dream Thomas,understood his thoughts.

“A knight and a sleeping beauty,” he said witha smile and Thomas barked out a laugh.

“Can’t say it doesn’t fit,” he agreed, and Newtfelt more clarity now, more noises came to him. He must have started to wake upand the thought made him sad.

“What I meant to say,” Thomas started talkingagain and Newt started to feel thirsty, like after a night in a hot room, and alittle stuffy. Didn’t he turn off the heating before going to sleep? Damn, itwas already ruining the dream like an apocalypse. “Was that I had beenthinking-,”

“Déjà vu,“ Newt mumbled and then it hit him.

He wasn’t sleeping. This wasn’t a dream. Thomaswas in his room, sitting on his bed, talking to him. Kissing him.

“And you never let me finish,” Thomas sighed,fully in flesh and here and Newtstarted to panic. The terror was setting in his bones like lead and pinned himto the bed with deadly accuracy of somebody, whose sentence was to die in thevery bed, by shame and mortification and so, so much bitterness.

“What are you doing here?” Newt croaked out,his eyes wide, and Thomas didn’t move an inch from his current bent downposition above him. The living nightmare was too cruel now, too merciless.

“You asked me what plans I have, I answered youand you didn’t reply,” Thomas responded with eerie calm for somebody who justgot kissed by his best friend out of the blue. “So I stopped by, auntie saidyou’re in your room and then I found you here sleeping.”

“Oh no,” Newt croaked. “Oh god no.”

“Then I kissed you, you were fine and now you’refreaking out,” Thomas ended the elaboration and added an eyeroll for a goodmeasure. Newt hoped the bed would open and swallow him whole.

“You were a dream!” Newt whined in defence, butunfortunately knew already it wasn’t the case. Thomas was here, and had beenhere when the apparent dream started, and Newt told him things he shouldn’thave, and the world might have ended today and it would be just perfect.

“Nope, not really,” Thomas assured him. “Wait,do you mean you’d kiss only dream me but not real me? Where’s the equality?”

“Thomas, please-,”

“Newt, I know you’re a smart guy,” Thomas didn’tlet him finish. “I know you are. But this is slow even for a snail running dry,just realize it already.”

Newt never felt so scared in his life, sofragile upon hoping in impossible, of Thomas being here, telling him he likedhim back in his own way, and no, it couldn’t be true, it couldn’t be happening.Not after all these years and-

“So I had been thinking,” Thomas started once more,and it was so familiar now, and he even stopped, looked at Newt expectantlylike he was challenging him to interrupt him once more, but Newt remained quietas a mouse, drinking Thomas in. “I had been thinking that we should date.”

Newt was happy the world didn’t end just yet.