#so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun-

[salsflore]

ummmm

[celestialevie]

Weddings and what could’ve been’s // F.W. x F! Reader

Hi! This is my first ever posted fic, I hope you’ll like it!

PAIRING: Fred Weasley x F! Reader

Genre: Angst 

Summary: You’ve been friends with Fred since forever. But what happens when the one you love is not feeling the same and now he’s getting married to the girl he loves. Based off of this song :))

Word count: 2.5k

It was supposed to be a good day. Waking up, getting ready for another day of writing her novel about picturing a certain red head as love interest of her novel. But it all flushed down when she saw a small envelope just sitting there on the table, almost as if it was mocking her. It's been sitting there ever since it arrived yesterday afternoon, not expecting to receive an invitation to the wedding of one person she didn't want to participate in. Fredrick Gideon Weasley. Her best friend since their second year of Hogwarts. It was almost ironic how a simple wedding invitation can break a heart that's already been on the verge of breaking, tears were rolling down her face, not a single sound could've been heard besides her sobs. Her best friend/roommate ran out of her room as soon as she heard her. Not expecting to see her best friend on the floor crying over a single paper, she realises what happened, the one thing she dreaded even though it was only a matter of time before it happened. The way Fred was talking about that girl, she knew that her best friend was in a wait of a permanent broken heart. But now a day later, she decided to throw the invitation in the rubbish, deciding no matter how much she cared about her best friend she knew she wouldn't be able to handle watching him promising himself to someone else for forever. Taking out a bottle of her favourite rose, she pours some of it in a glass and heads back to her room, deciding to forget about her heartbreak by throwing herself into her fictional world where she was the one Fred loved. 

 Soon, she'll realise that not even wine and her own fictional world would help cure her broken heart. Not when the one she's so in love with decided so pay her a visit, not hearing anything from her in over a week. He wondered if she got the invitation to the wedding, the day he couldn't wait for it to finally happen. The thing is, he's not going to be able to do it, if his soulmate in a form of his best friend isn't there by his side, making sure he doesn't panic like he often happens to do in stressful situations. 

Upon hearing knocking on her door, she slowly gets up from her desk, heading to open the door, not expecting to see the person she wanted to see the least, standing in front of her. 

Every day they were closer to the day that changes everything for forever. One of them was dreading that day, while the other one couldn't want for it to come any sooner. Soon it was the day of rehearsal dinner or also known as the day before it all goes shit show for her. Everything was ready, her outfit ready for tomorrow. Deciding she wasn't strong enough to make it through the wedding alone, she begged her best friend to go with her, helping her survive with alcohol. The wedding was in the backyard of The Burrow, but it wasn't anything special or near as big as it was Bill's, both Fred and Lillian agreeing it was best to have a smaller intimate wedding with their closest ones there. Apparating a minute away from The Burrow, she walks towards the door, knocking softly before entering the house. Everyone was on their feet, final preparations for tomorrow are being made. Ginny was the first one to notice her, running towards the girl. Brining her in the hug, she laughs. '' Hi Ginny '' they pull away from the hug, Ginny looking at the girl. '' You look gorgeous y/n. I'm still angry at my brother for not marrying you. '' y/n rolls her eyes playfully. '' Stop it, you know we would never work as a couple, plus Lillian is a lovely girl, I'm sure she'll be a good sister-in-law. '' they talked as they walked upstairs heading towards Ginny's room.  What no one knew is that the night of the Yule ball, Fred was ready to confess his dying crush on his best friend, that's why he brought her to the astronomy tower. He had it all planned out  until they were interrupted, and it was all ruined. Fred often wondered if they hadn't been interrupted would've it been her who he was marrying. Would it work out or would it fail and therefore ruin their friendship. George was the only one along with Lee who knew about it. That's why the night before the wedding he found himself sitting in front of the small lake they had behind their house, wondering if Lillian is truly the one he wants to marry. Y/n found him after a few minutes, joining him. '' I knew I'd find you here. '' he said nothing, just kept looking in front of him. '' What's bothering you, Freddie? '' she gently took his hand into hers, brushing her thumb gently across his hand. '' I'm just worried if I'm making a mistake or rushing this. Before tonight, I couldn't been happier waiting for this day to finally come, but now that it's here all my mind seems to do is make me wonder if I'm marrying the wrong girl. Maybe I should just marry you, we've been friends for forever, it wouldn't change much. '' he lets out a small laugh. Letting go off his hand, I grab his face with my hands on both sides of his face. '' Fred I need you to look at me. Do you love Lillian? '' he nods his head. '' I don't think I've ever loved anyone the way I love her. '' a small smile appears in the corner of his mouth. '' Do you see yourself being with her for the rest of your life? Is she the one you want to see growing old with you? '' y/n questions him. Fred waits for a few seconds before answering, with a big smile on his face. '' Yeah, I do. God, why was I even doubting this. This is why I need you by my side, you always know how to get me out of my head. Thank you, love. '' he pulls her into a strong hug. '' Hey, if you need a getaway car tomorrow, me and George will have one prepared and then we can get married. '' she joked, even though there was some half truth in it. '' it's late, I have to go get that beauty sleep for tomorrow so do you. Goodnight Freddie. '' she plants a small kiss on his cheek before apparating herself back to her flat, before crashing down in the middle of living room, bursting into tears of heartbreak. The pieces that weren't shatter from before, had shattered now. There were no pieces left of her heart. The rest of the night she spent in the arms of her best friend, crying herself to sleep. 

 It was funny really. The story of how they met, how they became inseparable and how she eventually fell in love with him. The latter didn't come to much of a surprise. How could someone not fall in love with him, when he's the most amazing person she's ever come across. It was their second year in Hogwarts, and she was heading towards the library, deciding to prepare herself for the upcoming Potions exam. Merlin knows how much she dreaded those. It wasn't her fault, most people on her mom's side of family never really knew how to do potions. As she was walking there, someone grabbed her by her arm and started dragging her away with them in a direction of the nearest broom closet. In a second she realised it was one of the Weasley twins. Not even needing to ask why he was in such a hurry, already knowing they caused another trouble. Quickly running inside the broom closet, one of the twins put a hand on her mouth, signalling for her to be quiet. Rolling her eyes, she did as told until we heard Filch and Mrs. Norris passing by. Another minute passed on until he removed his hand from her mouth. '' I'm Fred. '' he introduced himself. '' Y/n '' she shook his hand. '' Care to explain why you dragged me into this dusty broom closet with yourself? '' Fred laughed. '' Had to move you out of the way from Filch or else you'd be in the trouble along with me. '' nodding her head, she left the closet. And that was the beginning of their weird friendship. From participating in the pranks, to making excuses why they're not in the certain classes you shared with them to Fred asking her to go to the Yule Ball with him, leading us to the night they had almost kissed. Somewhere in between she slowly fell for her best friend without intending to. It all felt like a dream. Dancing with her best friend so closely, to sneaking off to the astronomy tower because that night, the stars were shining so bright. Slow dancing in the moonlight, it all felt almost to perfect. Both of them slowly leaning towards each other until they heard a crashing noise, interrupting their intimate moment. It made her realise that it was for the best for them to be just friends, their friendship being worth more than a relationship not knowing how it'll end. Almost as if it was a silent agreement between them, neither of the two brought it up ever again. She would never want to ruin his day, so yes she had agreed to be his second best man, no matter how much it'll hurt to be there so up close seeing it all unfold almost like in a film scene. 

Next morning when she woke up, she felt so exhausted while getting ready. She barely had any energy in her body and she was pretty sure she also had no tears left. Putting on her beautiful dress, she did her makeup and hair. She was ready to stand there next to her best friend, and watch him marry the love of his life, no matter how much the fact that it's not her hurted. It was a beautiful ceremony, he looked so beautiful in his dark blue suit, it really made his hair and eyes stand out a bit more, and don't her started on how beautiful the bride was. Her gown looked straight out of a fairytale. A few tears espaced during the ceremony but when George asked her why is she crying, she brushed it off as happy tears, even though she knew she didn't fool George with that lie. During the reception she mostly stayed at her table, trying to drown her sorrow in the wine and other alcoholic drinks. She watched as her roommate/best friend danced with George along with watching Fred and Lillian dance together like it was only two of them. Molly and Ginny often came and talked to me, but it wasn't long until I couldn't handle it anymore and just drowned the rest of my drink before saying goodbye to everyone, making an excuse saying she unfortunately had to go home and finish her book, her publisher gave her a deadline until tomorrow. The last person left to say goodbye to was Fred. Tapping him on the shoulder, she gives him a smile as he turns around. '' Congratulations Freddie boy once again. But I have to leave now unfortunately, I have a book to finish. '' Before she could even say anything he took her hands and put them around his neck, pulling her closer to him. '' Just this one dance and then I'm setting you free, okay? '' He begged her. Nodding her head, they start slow dancing. '' I'm really proud of you Freddie, you finally found the one you always talked about. Hopefully one day I'm gonna find my prince charming one day. '' she rested her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. '' I'm sorry I wasn't the one for you. '' he said, making the tears slowly start pooling in my eyes. '' That's not for you to apologise, we're too good friends for us to work in a relationship. Us not kissing that night of the yule ball was for the best. If we kissed who knows if you'd meet Lillian, your true love. Don''t you worry about me. '' and with that she pulled away from him, placing a small kiss on his cheek before apparating home. Letting him stand there alone, her words sinking in, making him wonder again if he had made a mistake by not letting her know of his feeling that night. But soon his thoughts were brushed away as he felt the lips of his wife on his.

'' Hello love '' he greets her after she moved aside, letting him in. Pulling her into a hug, he goes into the living room, while she still stands there shocked at her door. Quickly getting rid of her thoughts, she heads over to where he was. '' Hi Freddie, what are you doing here? I didn't expect you to visit. '' she sits down next to him. '' Well it's been over a week since I've last heard from you, so I decided to pay you a visit. She nods her head. '' Yeah, sorry about that. I started working on my novel again and that's all I've focusing on recently. Didn't mean to neglect your need for constant attention. '' she jokes, even though she knew he had his fiancée know to give him attention. Fred rolls his eyes. '' Yeah yeah whatever. Listen I have a question/favour to ask you. '' she furrows her eyebrows. '' Okay, I'm listening. '' taking a deep breath, he begins. '' So as you probably know I proposed to Liliana. Speaking of that, have you received my invitation to the wedding? '' it's been over a month since they got engaged, and yet she still couldn't bare the thought of losing Fred forever. '' Yes I have, it's very beautiful Freddie, I am very happy for the two of you. '' she gives him her best fake smile, not wanting to upset her best friend. '' Thank you, love. My question is, would you like to be my second best man? Along with George of course. I don't think that I would be able to do it without you by my side. Please say yes or at least think about it. It would really mean everything to me. '' This was definitely something she hadn't expect. There goes your plan on not going to the wedding, making an excuse of why she can't make it and get drunk in her room while watching her favourite romcoms. '' Of course Freddie, anything for you. '' those words came out before you even had a chance to think about them. 

[aestheticallyholland]

NEVER NOT | CONFESSIONS . . .

❃ PAIRING tom holland x fem!reader

❃ DISCLAIMER i do not own the artists (and the reader) that are going to portray the characters, but i do own some of the their names. the plot of the story is inspired to the book and movie 'to all the boys i've loved before' but with changes. the gifs and photos used in this series are edited by me but i get credits to the originals. also, this series is first posted in wattpad by me. PLEASE DO NOT REPOST IT SOMEWHERE ELSE !

❃ WORD COUNT 1.8k words

WANNA BE ON THE TAGLIST? feel free to comment on this post if you wanna be added to this series' taglist to get notified for updates !

NEVER NOT MASTERPOST | LEI'S LIBRARY

"It's the end of the Earth and the death of the universe that give me the insane courage to say that I am yours if you want me." - Krystal Sutherland, Our Chemical Hearts

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

[ december 20, 2015 . . . ]

SEVERAL DAYS PASSED BY and Y/N still didn't have the guts to talk to Tom. She still couldn't face him after what happened just a few days before.

When they were in the same class, Tom would steal glances at her since she was in the first few seats in front of him. It still bothers him so much and every time he would look at her, he felt pain in his chest.

Of course, Y/N would notice this. She wanted to go up to him and talk through it with him. She wanted to apologize to him but she couldn't.

I guess this Christmas would be so lonely. Y/N thought to herself.

As she walked to the hallway towards her locker, she saw Tom leaning on the lockers near hers. She stopped her tracks until Tom noticed that she was there. She felt her heart beating so fast she couldn't describe the feeling anymore.

She walked slowly towards her locker while Tom was just looking at her and placed some of her things inside.

"Is now the perfect time to talk?" Tom suddenly asked that made Y/N jumped a little.

She looked at him slowly until their eyes were locked to each other. She felt that she couldn't talk so she remained silent but nodded in agreement. She closed her locker and they both walked together outside the school building.

The walk was silent and Y/N just followed where Tom was walking to. They walked until they stopped in front of a black motorcycle. Tom got a helmet and sat on his motorcycle and Y/N just stood there confused. Tom looked at Y/N who was just standing there.

"Come on," Tom said and held his hand out for her. She smiled a little and took it and sat behind him. He gave her another helmet and she placed it around her head.

"Hold on to me, Y/N," Tom mumbled and started the engine. Y/N slowly wrapped her arms around Tom's waist then Tom drove out of the school.

Y/N didn't know where they were going, but she hoped they could talk things through with Tom.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"Where are we?" Y/N asked when they took off their helmets on their heads and got off the motorcycle.

They were in a place where they could see the city lights. It was like they were on top of the world. They could see the sunset clearly in there.

"This is so—" Y/N stopped when the wind blew and her hair flew. "Beautiful."

Tom chuckled and looked at her as she watched the sun setting. The ray of light hit her face and her hair flew.

She looked so much more beautiful. Tom said to himself. She always does.

He glanced at her hands and suddenly got one of them. This startled Y/N and turn to his side to face him.

"Look, Y/N." Tom started and sighed before continuing. "I'm so sorry for everything." He said. "I'm really sorry for yelling at you and for being such a jerk."

Y/N didn't say anything so Tom went on.

"Everything that I said during the ski trip is true. I mean those, Y/N." Tom said. "What I feel for you is real." He held both of her hands and brought them closer to his chest.

"I tried to resist it but every time I hang out with you, I just can't help it." He said and chuckled. "You are the most amazing girl that I've ever met, Y/N."

Y/N could feel her cheeks burning with everything he said.

"I..." Tom paused for a while because his heart was pounding so fast. "I love you, Y/N."

Y/N's heart suddenly beats so fast with those words of love. She held on tight to his hands and felt tears coming out of her eyes.

"W-what's wrong? Did I do something?" Tom stuttered while asking her when he saw tears coming from his eyes.

Y/N smiled a little although she was crying. It wasn't even a sad cry, it was tears of joy.

"That's the first time someone confessed to me," Y/N admitted and chuckled while wiping the tears from her eyes.

Tom felt relief and pulled Y/N to a hug. "I thought I said something bad that made you cry." He said.

Y/N smiled and said. "I love you too, Tom, so much." She looked at him and he looked down at her.

"I'm sorry that I didn't let you explain your side, Tom." She said. "I was so blinded with anger at that time. It wasn't even about the scrunchie. I just thought you betrayed me." She explained and broke down.

Tom placed a hand on her cheek and wiped away tears from her eyes. "I would never do that to you, Y/N."

"Really?" Y/N asked him and Tom gave a big smile.

"I swear." He held out his pinky finger to her. But instead of intertwining her pinky to his, she pressed her lips to Tom's like a seal for the promise. Tom was taken back at the kiss before kissing her back. Y/N pulled away from the kiss first and said, "It's a swear then." She smiled at him.

Tom smiled back and remembered something that he was going to give her. He let go of Y/N's hand and went through his pockets until he finally got it.

"Here, I got this back for you," Tom said and gave out the Y/N's scrunchie. Y/N's eyes widen when she saw her scrunchie and received it.

"I had to talk to Camille to get it back for you right after you left me," Tom explained. "It wasn't easy, honestly." He chuckled.

"But how did she—" Before Y/N could finish asking, Tom answered right away.

"Remember the first party that went together?" He asked her and she gave a nod. "Camille actually got to talk to me and got it. I don't know why but I forgot about it when she suddenly asked me about you."

Y/N understood him. "I forgive you, Tom. I'm just glad you got it back. It's my only memory of my mom." She said.

"So." Tom started. "Are we okay now?" He asked just to make sure.

"Of course," Y/N answered.

It was already starting to get dark and the city is starting to light up. They decided to stay there for a while to appreciate the beauty of the city while cuddling with each other.

"How did you even know this place?" Y/N asked him. Her head was on his chest and his hand was stroking her hair.

"My family and I go here for hiking and we would end up having lunch or dinner here," Tom said.

"We should do that together," Y/N suggested. "You know, me, you, Erika, and Harrison." She added.

"Would that be fine with you?" Tom asked and Y/N nodded.

They stayed there a little longer until they decided that it was already getting late. They went to Tom's motorcycle hand-in-hand. They wore their helmets and drove down to the city. Y/N held on to Tom as he drove going to her house.

After a few minutes, they have finally arrived at her house. The neighborhood was quiet since it was already night.

"Thank you for today, Tom," Y/N said as she went down from the motorcycle. "I'm glad we got to talk things through." She added.

"Same here." He replied.

Y/N was about to go towards the door until Tom stopped her first.

"Before you go," Tom called out for her and she looked back to him and gave him a confused look.

He walked closer to her until she could look up to him since he is taller than her.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" Tom asked her which made her feel her heart beat faster. "For real this time?" Tom was smiling at her which she couldn't resist.

"Yes." She answered right away that made Tom even happier. He wrapped his arms around her. Y/N giggled as she hugged her. He suddenly picked her up and spun her around which made her squeal.

"Tom!" She exclaimed and laughed.

"She said yes!" He shouted and Y/N slapped him playfully.

"You're gonna wake the neighbors up." Y/N scolded him but he just gave her a big smile.

"You don't know how happy I am right now," Tom said.

"I am so happy too, Tom," Y/N replied. Tom gave her a peck on the lips and Y/N deepened it. They pulled from each other and just looked at each other's eyes.

"I love you, Y/N," Tom whispered, loud enough for her to hear him

"I love you, Thomas." She replied and smiled.

"You should go now before your dad opens the door." Tom joked that made her laugh.

"Good night, Tom." She said and remained standing as he walked towards his motorcycle.

"Good night, love!" He said and rode his motorcycle. "Think about me!" Those were his last words before he drove home.

Y/N smiled to herself and went inside her house then went straight to her room. Her house was so quiet so her father and sister were probably asleep already.

She collapsed herself to her bed and gave a heavy sigh. She was glad that Tom was a person who didn't give up on her. She was glad that he is part of her life now.  She is so lucky to have him.

After a few minutes of daydreaming, she finally drifted off to sleep.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

It was already almost midnight and Tom just finished taking a bath. It was just a few minutes after he arrived home from dropping off Y/N.

As he went to his room, he turns on the lights and changed to his sleeping outfit, a plain shirt, and sweatpants.

As he was wiping his hair with a towel, he noticed a white paper on his table that he had never seen before. He placed his towel around his shoulder and decided to read it for himself.

His eyes widen as soon as he finished reading it and placed it back down.

I got in. He said to himself and sat down on his bed.

Now he has more decisions to make and to think about.

What should I do? Tom asked himself.

❃ TAGLIST @allthisfortommy @kait4073 @lovebittenbyevans @l0ve-0f-my-life @spiitfiires @robertpattinson-th @jackiehollanderr @butterflies-glitter

[smolchildren-ily]

CAREFUL! VERY GRAPHIC AT TIMES!!!! Can be triggering for people who lost pets :(

Yesterday you crossed the rainbow bridge. Susi. A name I gave you just for fun. You, a random cat who kept stopping by and who ended up having her on basket on our terrace, sheltered from the wind underneath the table. You, who, without me knowing, grew really attached to my heart. I bought food for you passionately, I did, as weird as it may sound, I was eager to go shopping for you and I was so happy every time I could feed you because I saw how happy it made you. Unlike our two 'actual' cats who just ever complain, dont eat up or just straight up leave the food the way we put it in the bowl. I would be even happier when I could give you their leftovers because it meant you would have an extra full belly that day. I made sure to always provide you with dry food, too, always filled up the bowl when it was empty - which it was a lot, but a handful of other cats come by, too, I know. Also your brothers, or at least those who I call your brothers, because often times after I would have given you food you licked it a bit and then vanished just to return with Oliver and "Lackl" behind you. I felt like you always made sure they also got a full belly, even more than you yourself, actually, and that is the reason why you kept getting them. Now, with you gone, they have no more lead, and they will never know where you disappeared to or why their beloved sister left them. I feel so sorry for them, too. But they still stop by, just an hour ago both came here together. I will feed them in your stead. I will give them one pack extra, the pack that used to be for you. I loved you so much and I didnt even realize until I saw you motionless, like you were sleeping, in the absolute middle of the street in front of our house, but hidden behind big bushes so I couldn't see you. I couldn't help you. When the lady with the dog came and asked me who owns a fluffy, grey-black cat and that she would be out on the street, dead. You were already dead. Already dead. Blood poured from your mouth, and from your mouth only. A small puddle had formed under your head. Thick, cherry red blood. When I... When I picked up your body later that day, in the evening, to... to... to take you to the most heartbreaking, unholy and disgusting place, unworthy of any loved animal or animal at all, actually, because my mum didnt want you in her garden next to her beloved cat, I realized. I realized that you had only been dead for a maximum of 30 to 60 minutes. The 30 to 60 minutes I had just gotten up. I think it was late that I got up, either at 9.5 or 8.5 or maybe it was 8.14 after all. And because I felt it was so late, I was so surprised not to see you in front of the door already, like I saw you every day. Every day, for, I dont actually know how long. I dont know for how long I've known you. I dont think it was very long, but I dont remember. I just know that you were suddenly just t h e r e. Because, your brothers, they had actually visited us even before you started coming to our house. And then one day they brought you and you stayed.

You weren't there yesterday morning, and I didnt think about it much. It sometimes happened that you needed to catch on as to that I was awake - usually by my steps or latest when I opened the blinds of the kitchen window which faces the garden and the direction that we believe you stemmed from. So I went to open the blinds and sat bored beside my other cat and watched her eat, as I have to do because otherwise she wont eat often times. And I was looking forward to seeing your small, excited face behind the glass door, and to pet your soft fur. Then watch you eat away and walk into my way to beg for more. When my cat was done, I happily grabbed a pack, a different one from usual, because you had begun to not like the usual, so I wanted to give you a special treat. And I grabbed that pack and skipped to the door, opened it energetically and awaited your absolute immediate arrival and exploding joy over me and the food I was bringing you. You didnt come, which was weird. Somewhat weird, but it had been raining all week, and during rain you seemed to spend a lot of your time somewhere else. Maybe at the place that was originally your home? Your origin is still 50/50 a mystery. My mum says from the farmer where your brothers are from, but I'm not sure. But it must have been the case, because where else would you have come from? A bit run down, skinny. God, you looked so healthy just a couple of days me feeding you. So little days. I was proud you recovered so quickly, unlike your brothers, who seem to be doing very badly all the time. Such soft fur, so sleek.

And the blood was fresh and your limbs were still moving normally when I touched you. That is, later that day, that I realized: If I had gotten up earlier. If I hadn't been so lazy or tired or both. Just, maybe a couple of minutes? Maybe just 15 minutes? Who knows if you would have made it safely across the street to our house. Because you would have heard me open the blinds sooner. And you would have made your way to me sooner, and the car, the driver who was on his way to work, he wouldn't have hit your head, or any other part of you. I was just so happy that you weren't obviously hurt anywhere. Just this blood dripping from your mouth, forming a small puddle under your small, beloved head I loved to pet more than I had realized.

And I wonder, if I hadn't been so lazy or tired, if you would still be here today, and yesterday. Or if it already happened before I got up. While I was still... I wasnt sleeping, I was awake. As always, as usual. My cat always wakes me up in the middle of the night and or I just wake up at 5 or 6 or 7. Usually I stay in bed until 8, in any of those cases. But I stayed longer than 8 even, and if I had just gotten up. I wonder, could I have helped you? But I wouldt have seen you, hidden behind the big bushes, outside on the street.

The lady vet who was very busy but was one of the only ones who answered my call told me if a car hit her on the head she was probably immediately dead. Or wherever you were hit. I hope. I hope. I hope you were. Were... you know, immediately. Without pain. I wish that you died loving me and looking forward to seeing me again and to receive pets. And I will give them to you, and all the food and all the hugs you want, once we meet again. Because I hope we meet again, I dearly do, seldom have I hoped so intensely for heaven to exist. I realized that the older I get, the harder it becomes to say goodbye, to lose someone. Up until this day I believed it would become EASIER. Easier, because by an old age, you would have been through so much already. Lost so many people, so many cats. But I realize it's not and I dread the days I have to say goodbye to our other cats, to any cat, actually, to any animal. I will not be thinking about people at this time, because it is too soon. To soon, to soon, to soon. As it was too soon for you. I love you so much.

Given we have somewhat a neighbour hassle I put my mind to try to find a vet who would examine your body. To make sure you weren't poisoned, because I couldn't see any visible injuries on you. Just this little, thick puddle of cherry red blood underneath your mouth. So many vets only opened in the late afternoon, so many were on holiday, so many only opened again on Monday. But I found this lady vet, and whilst having a patient on the table she hurryliy told me that, if I found you in the middle of the road, it was most likely car. And you were probably dead. You know. What I hope you was. For your sake. And for my sake. I dont want to talk about it anymore. I love you.

After this lady vet, who said that she technically does examine bodies, but who seemed somewhat reluctant and like the result was clear anyway, I called who I was going to call in the first place: the animal clinic 40 minutes from us. I wasnt keen on being with... a body, because that is what you were at that point, a body. With a body in the car for 40 minutes, but I was gonna do it, just to know, just to make sure that t h i s o n e t i m e I would actually k n o w what happened to my cat. So I would know and not wonder for the rest of my life: What happened? What went wrong? Could I have done something? Do I need to guard our other cats? But I was going to do it.

The lady who picked up this time was very friendly. She caught on almost immediately that I'd just lost a cat, and after she called me back to tell me that poison leaves the body too quickly to get usable results and that it would be a few hundred euro to have this analysis done, told me she wished me all the best and if I have any questions I should call. She was the first person that day - yesterday, it was just yesterday. But it felt like a nightmare, and it feels long ago already. A nightmare I want to forget, but I dont want to forget you. Susi.

She acknowledge my pain and your death and she consoled me when I had noone else who would do that for me. My parents are on holiday until tomorrow, the one friend who I told about your death literally just replied "I'm so sorry, that's so terrible, crying faces". But I needed more than that. I didnt get it until today when I woke up just as devastated as I was yesterday and went to have lunch with my grandmother, who also knew you. And who liked you, too.

"The green-eyed one" is what she called you. The green-eyed one, because green eyes you had. So beautiful, so big. In German, we like to say "Telleraugen". Eyes as big as plates. She was also visibly devastated. It is always said to tell your old grandmother that another beloved person or animal died. So much pain they have gone through already, and it just keeps getting worse.

But we talked a lot and long about you. And how it happened. Probably happened. And who I suspect to be the murderer. Our immediate neighbours, one of them at least. When I opened the door, shortly after, I heard them leave. The woman left in her white car. But I was just glad she left, I didnt care what direction she drove off to, so I didnt see where she went. I wish I had. And usually she drives into the direction where I found you on the street. May God punish her for her sins, and do so gruelly and painfully. If it was her. Maybe it was him, because later he returned in his old, small motorcycle thing. Maybe it was him. He shall be punished just as hard and gruelly as his girlfriend if it was either of them. And if it wasnt, I wish your murderer the plague and death and a hell of a lot of gruesome pain for the rest of their pitiful life. My first suspicions had been the neighbours who had newly moved here the last couple of years. Some younger people and old people who dont care at all that we have limit here in our village of 30 kmh. Who just never care and race down the hill like they own the place. And then hit a cat that just casually wanted to get her breakfast from a human who loves her very much. I hate all of you spenders, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, and I hate this neighbourhood and I hope everyone here dies a cruel death. Bit most of all, I hope your murderer and all other spenders who put the lives of loved ones at risk, die gruesome and cruel deaths. Just like you had to. I still love you.

Time is progressing, my battery decreasing and it is getting colder. I've written so much by now, but I have so, so much more to talk about. Tomorrow, my arms and fingers will hurt because I typed all of this on my phone. But at least I still have a body and feelings that can hurt me. Unlike you, who is not here anymore.

That day yesterday was so cruelly terrible. Oh my god.

I was so restless the whole day because I didnt know what to do with your body. I put it in the semi-shed/semi-room at the back of our house, where the small greenhouse and the grave of my mother's beloved cat, who was also hit by a car, but out of nowhere after a whopping 7 years of life. The grave which is also there. I had put you in a wooden basket somewhat, onto kitchen roll. For the blood to drip onto. And to make it more comfortable in your death, even though it probably wouldn't have made a big difference, even if you could have, or would have, still felt it. It was a bit too small for you and when I picked you up, you were so heavy, and so motionless, like, and I hate to draw this comparison, but like a sack of potatoes. Heavy and motionless and it was so weird to lift you up without you moving and squirming and trying to get away from me. It was so strange, alien strange, horribly strange. I saw the puddle out of the corner of my eyes but I didnt really see anything and I didnt want to see anything, the lady with the dog just wanted you off the street and that's what I did. I was blind with tears and when I put that wooden basket thing down I saw I hadn't put your head in a too comfortable position so I... I moved you a bit so that your head wouldn't be down at your chest, and your legs moved instead a bit over the rim. Then I squatted there, looking at you. As I do a lot with my other cat. To make sure you really weren't breathing anymore. To discover that you would still be breathing and I could still take you to the vet after all and I would still be able to feed you and pet you, and all would be good. But after staring at you intensely for 2 minutes or so. Blood still dripping a tiny bit out of your mouth, just luckily I didnt have to see that, your head was still moved so that I couldn't really see your face, just mostly your body. But I saw the blood on the kitchen roll expanding. It was seemingly clear that you were. The four letters.

But I didnt really believe it. Not really. Not really so. I went back upstairs to cry, and to do something about my sadness. To call the vets, have you examined, get clearance. To put my sadness to work. And as I sat there at the kitchen table with the phones I still expected you to come running up the stairs, staring into the room and scratching the glass door to have your food. That you just passed out for an hour or two or so and would come back. I really did!

And every shadow I saw out of the corner of my eyes, I thought they were all you, returning from the backside of the houses happily and healthy and excited and quirky as ever. Just your usual self, you know.

But you didnt come, and I was restless. After I had talked to the first lady vet I realized, I decided it was most likely a car that hit you. So at least I knew how it most probably happened. But what do to with your body? And I didnt want to bring you away just yet. Because it was clear to me that I would have to bring her to the most horrible, ungrateful and unworthy of any beloved pet or animal place on earth. Because you weren't my mums favourite, and she wouldn't want you in her garden. But at lunch I asked her anyway. I texted her about that I found you dead in street in the morning, and if I could bury you next to Leeloo to give you the forever home you probably always wanted. Just a little too late.

But my mother said no. Well, not explicitly. But she suggested I take you there, and after I said I didnt want to but it is her garden and her decision. I had to wait another couple of hours, until 6 o'clock in the evening, one of which I spent half asleep in bed with our second cat, because the living still demanded my attention, oblivious of the fact that one of them had just reached the end of their road. Until 6 clock in the evening when she finally replied to take you there.

Up until that point, I had gone back a couple of times to check on you. I sat at the kitchen table knowing flies would be all over your body at some point, because this is not the first time I had to witness the dead body of one of our cats. And I didnt want the flies there so I covered you up with newspapers. Another time I came to you with scissors and an empty box that had stored Qtips, because I wanted something od you to remain with me for the rest of my life. And your fur look so inviting, not flat on your skin but a bit more wildly into the air. So I carefully cut a few tips of your fluffy silkness. The box is sitting in front of me in the book shelf, originally I wanted to bury at least this bit of you in the garden next to the beloved cat. I wanted at least some part of you to have a furever home. And I still do. But I cant do it just yet. It could be that I will just keep it here. But I will definitely put up a stone with writing on it, saying "In love and remembrance of Susi".

Another time, before that, I think, I spent a long while sitting on the tiny stone rim in front of Leeloos grave, because I was pondering if I shouldn't just bury you anyway, despite what my mother says about you. But it was her garden, so I didnt. Just this one time, I wish I had not done as I was told. I wish I hadn't even asked.

But there, in the middle of the path to the grave, there were a bunch of unusally long daisies growing l, and I had the strong desire to put up flowers for Susi. For you. So I picked them and laid them down next to your body.

I think I went down another time, always in "full gear", with heavy boots on because the grass at the backside is usually wet and gross. But you laid on concrete in the semi-room, so no worries. So I went down there just to be with you. Because I still didnt want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. I refused to. I thought if I just spent some more time with you, you would wake back up. I had one of the masks on and one time gloves when I touched you. Which I didnt for the most part.

When I had Google about the poison, many people describe situations like your death. No, sorry, I googled what the blood meant, and that is where I found it could be poison, or even a heart attack, or inner injuries. But these people also described their cats having their eyes open, so I went to check your eyes cause I hadn't seen them. And they were open. Though I only saw one. One side of your face. If your cute, beautiful face. And I tried to close them, it, but almost immediately realized it didnt work, so I gave up. But I wish I could have done at least that for you.