#so does ilya he just doesn't know it yet

[fooltofancy]

6.55 just reinforcing how much i love g'raha honestly but i made this horrible creature who has so much trouble recognizing genuine care and love and like i think it's there! there's something deeply comforting for ilya about g'raha's presence, but he's also not at all in a place where he can recognize that 'cause he hasn't been able to unravel all that hurt from like..... not. really being a person for a couple of years. rn hearing "you don't have to do that thing you're so uncomfortable about but you CAN go and have a nice time. and then we can fucking run away" is just like

he doesn't know how to do that, boss.

[joanofexys]

gimme the Jude lore

okay okay Jude Reyes lore incoming

little breakdown first:

26 years old

he/him, pansexual, cis

played for the Trojans for 5 years

graduated with a degree in sports journalism

has adhd and depression (in the rambling bit tw right now for mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts tying into this)

only child and still upset about it

does the most out of all my ocs to work with college players, spends a lot of his free time flying out to different colleges to work with coaches and teams cause he likes and he enjoys it (gets a lot of teasing about becoming a coach in the future)

knows english and spanish

and oh yeah he's a dealer who will play as an extra backliner if needed

blonde, 6'3, big brown eyes

got his ears pierced cause Mara said he'd chicken out

So yeah Jude graduated from USC at the age of 23 and he was recruited for olympic court when he was 25. He considers the Trojan's his family and still keeps in touch with all the upper classmen who he used to play with. He's very much taken the Trojan attitude into his professional career. He's known as a team player on the court and also a huge activist off the court. He's now involved in presenting the Day Spirit Award every year and he's incredibly proud to have been apart of the team consistently winning it. While Ilya falls into the Just Some Guy category, Jude really takes it up like 10 levels into Golden Child territory. He's the favored one for press duty and is most involved with his teams social media. He's usually the one to sit down for the little games or the ask me anything's or the interviews everyone else deems pointless.

tw for self harm and suicide mentions, you can skip to the next bolded line if you need to

Jude was diagnosed with depression when he was 19 after he came to Rhemann confessing that he had been self harming for a few months after the workload with his class got more difficult for him to manage and he started thinking about committing suicide. He was diagnosed with adhd a few years later when he was 22 and now he now manages both with a mixture of therapy and medication. He's not perfect and obviously that didn't get rid of his depression but he has always had a safe space to talk about it and to get the help he needs. He advocates a lot for mental health in general but especially where athletes where it tends to get ignored with all the pressure put on them and he brings that into all of his relationships with his teammates trying to create a safe space for them. He is a huge factor in actually getting Em, Mara, and Florian to see therapists and he's who Florian calls after his 5th attempt and takes him to the hospital.

okay heavy bit over

I need y'all to know that Jude popped into my head literally today. He was named like 3 hours ago. So this is all just kind of developing as I yap about him. He's big on team inclusion. Doesn't want anyone to feel left out. At first Ilya really butted heads with Mara and Florian cause they were Raven's and Jude was basically the one to get sick of that and tell them they needed to shut the fuck up and put on their get along t-shirt

He's generally pretty outgoing and he loves a good party. And by party he means hosting his team and having some food and drinks and visiting with every one. Though he does go a little crazy after a win and he will probably not get home till like 6 in the morning and then will sleep for a full 24 hours

He comes off as very loud and flirtatious to most people, most people will think he is flirting even when he isn't and he has accidentally agreed to multiple dates before realizing they were dates and having to awkwardly let people down. He doesn't really date much, not seriously, largely because of how involved he is with the media portion of his job. If he does end up dating (and I don't have anyone set up for him yet) it'd most likely be another exy player who is also super involved with the media and interacting with the press

and yeah that's a little bit about Jude

[darkthingshappen]

HOW DARE HE STILL TREAT ANDREI LIKE THAT IT HAS BEEN ONE LONG FUCKING YEAR ACTUALLY MORE THAN A YEAR AND THAT WAS JUST ONE TINY EETY BEETY INFRACTION ON HIS PART AND HE'S STILL THREATENING TO PUT HIM IN A MUZZLE??? YOU THREATEN ANDREI?? YOU THREATEN THE GOOD DOCTOR?? HELL FOR VOLKOV!! HELL FOR VOLKOV!!FOR A GAZILLION YEARS!!! AND THE OTHER THREE IDIOTS TOO HOW DARE YOU NOT DO ANYTHING FUCK YOU MR 'I KNOW WHO PAYS MY BILLS UNLIKE ANDREI' NICKOLAI DO YOU SEE HIS SHAKING HANDS?? HOW CAN YOU NOT FEEL AWFUL FOR HIM YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUCKING ATTRACTED TO HIM SO STOP TORTURING HIM HE LITERALLY HAS NOT DONE IT AGAIN FOR OVER A YEAR OVER A YEAR OVER A YEAR OVEERR A YEAAAR VOLKOOV GET HIM OUT OF THE DITCH ACTUALLY JUST LET HIM GO COMPLETELY HE DID NOTHING WRONG AND YOU WERE WORKING JUST FINE ON THAT ISLAND WITHOUT HIM SO YOU'RE PERFECTLY CAPABLE JUST LET ANDREI GO SO THAT HE DOESN'T PAY FOR YOUR STUPID ASS CRIMES AFTER THE RAID ON YOUR HOUSE AND ON THAT NOTE HOW DARE THEY IMPRISON ANDREI?? ANDREI??? THE ONLY GOOD SOUL IN THE ENTIRE HOUSE?? YOU IMPRISON ANDREI??? FUCK YOU FICTIONAL RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT!! AND JUST WHEN HE'D HAVE GOTTEN A CHANCE TO GET TO AMERICA THROUGH BEN'S WEDDING?? VOLKOV SNATCHED HIM AWAY?? AGAIN?????? AGAIN!!! AGAAAIN!!???!?!?!? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!! WHAT DID HE DOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! AND THE BARE LITTLE TOUCHES HE HAS BEEN FORCED TO GIVE BEN AS A TOKEN OF HIS SYMPATHY AND AFFECTION? HRNNNGGHHHHHHHHH!!! THEY NEED TO HUG!! THEY NEED A HUG ASAAP!!! LET ANDREI GET BACK TO HIS FAMILY SCOT FREEE!!!! STUPID FICTIONAL GOVERNMENT AND STUPID FICTIONAL VILLIANS FUCK YOU VOLKOV GO DIE IN A DITCH ALL ALONE AND THEN SPEND THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR AFTERLIFE IN THE WORST PART OF HELL WHERE YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO HURT ANY NICE DOCTORS EVER AGAIN!!! ANDREI IS A DOCTOR!! A FUCKING DOCTOR!!! HE'S SUPPOSED TO HELP PEOPLE!!! HELP PEOPLE GET BETTER!!! NOT PREPARE PEOPLE FOR MORE TORTURE!!!! THIS IS WRONG!!! VERY VERY WRONG!!! SOO UNFAIR SO SO SO SO SO UNFAIR!! JUSTICE FOR ANDREI!! JUSTICE FOR ANDREI FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!!! JUSTICE FOR ANDREI FOREVER!! SOMEONE GIVE HIM MINOR AMNESIA SO HE FORGETS ALL THE AWFUL VOLKOVY STUFF!! VERY VERY GOOD KILLING ILYA GOOD JOB FICTIONAL AMERICAN GOVERNMENT!! AGENT VAAUGHHHHNN GOOD JOBB!! GOOD JOB!! YOU SAVE BEN?? YOU SAVE BEN FROM UGLY EVIL CREATURES??? RAISE FOR AGENT VAUGHN! RASIE FOR AGENT VAUGHN FOR A THOUSAN YEARS!! BANISH THE EVIL MEN AND THEIR RECEDING HAIRLINES!! STUPID CAMERA FUCKING NERD HE BETTER HAVE GOTTEN CAPTURED TOO WHY NOT MAKE HIM SUFFER IN ANDREIS PLACE?? HE'S WORSE?? HE'S UGLY??? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM??? OR BETTER YET KILL HIM TOO SO HE SUFFERS DOUBLE IN THE AFTERLIFE!!! STUPID FUCKING UGLY ASS IDIOT!! BET HE SLEEPS TO ANIME PILLOWS BECAUSE HE CAN'T CONSENSUALLY GET A GIRL!! JUST BECAUSE SHE IS STATED TO BE A THOUSAN YEARS OLD DOESN'T MAKE IT NOT PEDOPHILIA IF SHE STILL LOOKS NINE YEARS OLD NICKOLAI!! I HOPE YOU CRACK YOUR GLASSES AND THEY GET INTO YOUR EYE SOCKETS AND INTO YOUR BRAIN AND GIVE YOU PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE AND BLINDNESS THOUGH YOU ALREADY HAVE THE FORMER FICTIONAL SPETSNAZ MY ASS!! AND THE OTHER TWO WITH THEIR STUPID PUG FACES!!! ILYA YOU'LL NEVER BE VOLKOV S NUMBER TWO?? HOW DOES THAT FEEL HUH?? OH WAIT YOU'RE DEAD!!! AND AND DMITRI YOU CAN IMITATE VOLKOV ALL YOU WANT BUT YOU NEVER WILL BE HIM!! HOW DOES THAT FEEL HUH?? OH WAIT YOU'RE DEAD TOO!! BURN IN HELL!! SUFFER SUFFER FOR YOUR SINS!! ALEXSEI 'I MADE MY EMPIRE ON MY OWN AND I ANSWER TO NO ONE FOR IT' VOLKOV!! YOU WILL HAVE NOT EVEN A CAGE TO YOUR NAME IN HELL!! HRJEJSNSNSNZBDBNDNDNSSKKEOEKEJEBRBEBENNSSNNSNSKKJFJNFJDJDEJIEKEKRJTBTBBEBEJWKSOWOWHEBENWJWJSJSJSNSNSNSNSN#NDNJEJEJSBSBDBFHFIOSAOWNEBRVVRHRJTJTJRIEKSJJJDHHBABDBUMAN D UIUR STHOID EYEBBRWOSBL EYEBRWOS LOOK LKEK STARVEING CATERPILLARS YIU BREAK EVRYY BMKIROOR YOU LOOK AT DIEDIEDIEDIDDIEDIEDEE GIVE BACK MY MONEH

Ls. Love your workbauhojr sorry forthebrantc goso nhitte ngoightbn night hmn

...

... {Processing}

Wow...

Um... Thanks? I guess? This has to be the craziest review/ask I've ever gotten. I-

Wow. I don't even know exactly how to respond. LOL. Yes, Ilya bit the dust and Ben was rescued. Yes they arrested everyone who was there. No, Volkov was not there and nor was Dmitri. Yes, Andrei was there. Nikolai's fate has yet to be addressed. Sorry. He does tend to be a bit of an afterthought. Oops.

I'm sorry this sort of broke you. LOL. The story is not over, just this particular arc, but obviously there is still a lot more to come. Lol. Be safe and only read going forward if your mental health is okay. Take some deep breaths. Touch some grass maybe?

In all seriousness, thank you so much for this. It made my day. :-D I adore writing Ben's story and it's just the cherry on top that other people like it and are emotionally invested in it. <3

[votestaynight]

12th day - "Interval Level4" (scene 2)

Kiritsugu used to say that girls should be protected and, most of all, I don't want to let a child suffer.

"――No. I think Ilya should stay here. The Holy Grail War isn't over yet. I want to shelter her here until the end."

"Yeah! If you say that, I'll stay here for you!" "…! Ilya, it hurts, it hurts…!"

Ilya hugs me, but I get her off of me――well, there's no need to do that myself as Saber does it for me.

"Hey, why do you keep getting in my way? Do you have some grudge against me?"

"Of course! I will not forget what you did to Shirou…! You too, Shirou! Do you not realize that sheltering Ilyasviel will only bring you harm!?"

"Hey, why is that? Ilya doesn't have her Servant now, so she can't be dangerous. She's not a Master anymore. More importantly, what will you do if she gets attacked by another Master after you abandon her? Ilya's life would be in danger, and the other Master would gain power."

"Uh… that is true, but――" Saber hesitates. Whatever she may say, Saber does understand that Ilya would be attacked by other Masters if she was left alone.

"――Then it's my turn next. I'm sorry to say this right after you made Saber surrender, but I'm not convinced yet. Look, Shirou. She's still a Master. I told you that a Master is a Master until they lose their Command Spell, even if they happen to lose their Servant."

…And thus, Drinking tea gracefully, Tohsaka interrupts the conversation.

"Huh? Hey, what do you mean by that?"

"I'm saying that one can make a contract with as many Servants as they like as long as they have a Command Spell. If there is a 'stray Servant' that doesn't have a Master, and if a Master has enough magical energy capacity to take in that 'stray Servant', he can make a contract with as many Servants as he wants."

"W-What's with that? Then a superior Master can form contracts with as many Servants as he wants?"

"Not however many he wants. Seven is the maximum number of Servants that the Holy Grail can call on, so seven would be the maximum. …But then, even an excellent magus wouldn't have enough magical energy to materialize more than one Servant."

"Even if they could, that would mean splitting a power of ten into two fives. So the abilities of the Servants would decrease, and the point of forming a contract with multiple Servants is defeated."

…I see. So if I formed a contract with Saber and Berserker, Saber and Berserker would both exist sharing my magical energy, so their abilities would considerably decrease. So that means it's more efficient to choose one Servant to give magical energy to.

"…Come to think of it, you said before that Servants can change their Masters. You were talking about this, right?"

"Oh, you're pretty perceptive for once. As you say, that's what it means for Servants to change their Masters. A servant that loses their Master has some time before they disappear. So if they can find a Master looking for a Servant and form a contract with them, they'll be back the same as before."

"Yeah, so watch out for Rin, Shirou. She's still a Master, so she might kill you and take Saber or form another contract with a remaining Servant."

"Yes. I'll say the exact same back to you, Ilya." "Heh, that's not true. …I won't be with another Servant. My Servant will always be Berserker…"

Hanging her head slightly, Ilya murmurs. …I can understand why the two gasped. I don't know what kind of relationship Ilya and Berserker had. But I can tell that for Ilya, that Servant was special.

――That's a surprise, and a pleasant one. Ilya was cold-hearted as a Master, but she still valued her partner.

"Oh, but I'll take Saber if Shirou loses. I won't let any Master other than Shirou win. If Shirou loses, I'll win for him." Ilya says so to Saber and Tohsaka.

"Do not say such ridiculous things. I am Shirou's Servant. I have no intention of being yours."

"Oh. Yeah, that's okay. I just want Shirou to win. Me winning and you protecting Shirou, it would be the same in the end anyway."

"――?" Ilya says things in a strange way. …Well, I can tell she wants for me to win, but why would she want that…? …Then. Tohsaka must have found it strange too as she starts to think.

"I mind! I would not approve of that. Rin, please warn Shirou about it." "Huh? Sorry, I wasn't listening. Can you say it again?" "We were objecting to protecting Ilyasviel here."

"Oh, that? I think it's fine to just keep her here." "Huh――?" Saber freezes. I'm surprised as well, so it's natural for the protesting Saber to freeze.

"R-Rin…! Are you mad!?"

"No. Thinking about it, the risks are the same. They won't change whether we leave Ilya by herself, keep her here, or let her be in the care of the church. No, it's actually better if other Masters come here after Ilya."

"In your current condition, you won't lose against all the other Servants combined. That'll be a fast way to end the Holy Grail War, and that's what you want too, right Saber? Well, that'll all change if you think you'll lose to the other Servants."

"Of course not. You should understand my current state. As long as Shirou is my Master, I shall not know defeat."

"See. So there's no problem with protecting Ilya. …And there's something I'm worried about too. Shirou's choice might have been a really smart one."

Tohsaka then falls silent. Saber must have accepted that as she reluctantly moves away from Ilya.

Finishing breakfast, we go to the dojo. Tohsaka is back in her room and Saber is with me.

As for Ilya… "Hey. Are you really going to be training?" She is right beside me, following me to the dojo.

"I thought I could play with you today and was looking forward to it. But Saber's here, it's cold here, and it's boring."

"……" Well, it's naturally boring for Ilya. After all, training isn't a fun thing to watch.

"Hey, let's go back to the living room. If you want to be strong, I'll help you."

Taking my hand with both of hers, Ilya tries to leave the dojo. But I can't compromise on this.

"No, I can't, Ilya. Training is my daily routine, so I'm going to do it. I'm inexperienced as a magus, so I have to be able to fight a little at least. And I'll be able to protect you if I train, right? I'm the one who decided to protect you, so I have to at least do this much."

"Uh… yeah, that might be true. But I don't mind not being protected by you. You're my Onii-chan, so all you have to do is be with me."

…Nope, my persuasion failed. Ilya pulls at my hand.

Saber is watching us silently. Her stare is rather painful. She must not approve of Ilya yet, and I think she's acting too bluntly――

Our eyes meet. Good, I'll have Saber convince Ilya.

"I'm telling you no. Tell her, Saber. Training with you is our daily routine."

"There is nothing for me to say. It is you that brought Ilyasviel here. It is your role to persuade her and it is not within my obligations."

"――Uh" …Something's wrong. I don't know why, but could it be that she's really mad?

"Oh, so Saber understands. You don't have to train. There are only weak Servants left, so you don't need to do this sort of thing. Come on, Shirou. Let Saber take care of the other Masters and we can play outside."

"Uwa, whoa." I lose my balance and take a step towards the exit.

"Hold on――no, let go of me, Ilya! I won't listen even if you complain to me. I won't skip my training and I'm going to keep on training. …I know it's boring for you, but I like it. If you don't like it, stay in the living room."

I shake her off violently. "Kya…!?" She must not have expected me to shake her off. Ilya moves away and looks at me uneasily.

"―――――" Crap. Even if I had to get her off me, there must have been a kinder way to do so.

"…Sorry, Ilya. That was too rough of me. But I can't stop my training. I'm sorry to leave you alone, but can you stay in the living room for now?"

"……" Ilya starts to walk away without saying anything. She walks to the entrance and stops by the wall beside it.

"…?" "Fine, then I'll watch from here. That's okay, right!?" She screams and glares at me.

"Um――well, I don't mind, but it's cold here. The living room has tea and snacks…"

"It's fine because I said so! Heh, I won't leave Saber and Shirou alone together!" Saying something strange, Ilya looks away.

"…Well, okay. You can go back to the living room if you get bored." I don't understand Ilya's point. But I guess things are settled. I take two shinais from the wall and turn to Saber.

"Then let's start. I might be off since it's been three days… hey, Saber? You seem a bit spaced out, are you sick or something?" "Huh――um, no, that is not it, but…" Saber looks away from Ilya and shakes her head.

"So you're fine? Then let's start. Here's your shinai." "Uh… no, you can throw it to me! It will be a problem if you carelessly get too close to me. W-We are training!"

"That's what I'm saying. What are you talking about, Saber?" I throw her the shinai. After all, I've never gotten Saber. I've never been able to close in on her, so she doesn't need to tell me to not go near her carelessly.

"―――――" Saber catches the shinai awkwardly and takes an exaggeratedly deep breath.

"Then let us start. It will be different from before, but try to stay calm, Shirou." Looking at Ilya, Saber says so.

"It's fine. I won't mind who's watching once we start." I ready my shinai and look at Saber. In front of me is the golden-haired girl with a shinai. That fixes my attention only on her.

Finishing the training after two hours, we enter the usual break. Stopping, I place my shinai on the wall.

"Phew――haa――That… shows me… again. You're… really… amazing." Nodding, I drink water from a kettle. Quenching my thirst and wiping my sweaty neck, my body finally calms down.

"Hey, that was your training? It just looked like Shirou was getting beat on." "Ugh――" Ilya says something unpleasant.

"That's wrong, Ilya. I'm getting beat on now, but it was worse before. Rather, you could say I did well today since I didn't get knocked out."

"I see. But is that really from your skill? You lost your balance lots of times, but it seemed like Saber was overlooking it on purpose…"

Ilya ponders. …She's sharp. I noticed that too.

I don't know whether she was showing consideration for my body or whether she's not up to par. But either way, Saber wasn't going full strength against me. Well, she never goes full strength, but she still mercilessly attacked me when I showed an opening.

But today, Saber lacked that. She did not perform any attacks that would have knocked me out even though she usually does.

"…You think so too? So Saber let me off easy today?"

"Hmm, it didn't really seem that way. Saber would ready her shinai to deliver the final blow, but she kept pulling back at the last second. I wonder what that was all about. Rather than letting you go, it seemed more like she was scared of you or holding back."

"Huh? Saber would never hold anything back. If she had such compassion, I wouldn't have been hurt so much on the first day."

That's right, Saber doesn't hold back during training. I could desperately concentrate on Saber because I knew that.

"…Geez. What's wrong Saber? It won't be training like this. You weren't going easy on me, were you?"

"No, I did not go easy on you. I was assuming the role of a fighter one rank above you as always…" Saber must feel today's training is strange as well.

"…Yeah. I can't imagine you going easy on me, and I can tell you were serious. But weren't you too conservative today? It's no good unless you come straight at me and smack me."

"S-Straight on…? But that will cause me to come too close to you. Our bodies might touch depending on the circumstances…"

"…? We're fighting, so of course our shoulders will hit. After all, you used to tackle me away when I got in too close. Aren't you good at close range fighting?"

"Eh――I did that…!?"

"What are you saying…? Well, you did it quite often. Remember when we first trained? You drove me up against the wall. When I said you were rather powerful for a girl, you said it was only natural for a swordsman."

"Oh―――――" Saber is standing there dumbfounded.

"…?" Saber really is acting weird today. But I have no idea why. It'll be a problem if Saber's sick or something, so maybe I should talk to Tohsaka about it later on――

We resume our training, still different from how it was before. We resume… but Saber backs off after only a few matches.

"…?" Is this a new training method? She might counter-attack when I let my guard down.

"Haa, haa, haa…" I watch Saber closely. Saber narrows her eyes seriously and taking a step towards me,

"Shirou, let us have lunch." …Says something rather unlike her.

"Huh――?" I lower my shinai. "Lunch? Is it time already?"

The clock says it's a bit before twelve. She's right that it's time for lunch, but this is the first time Saber has suggested it. We never noticed the time when we were training in the dojo. It was the routine for us to take a break, and only notice that it was lunchtime when we felt hungry and looked up at the clock.

"――Hm." It's a reasonable proposal, so I can nod, but――

[triviareads]

Good morning

Can you recommend an contemporary romance that doesn't take 20 chapters to get to IT?

Thank you

Hi! I do have a list of contemporary romances where there's a sex scene pretty early on:

Here are a few more:

Black Tie Billionaire by Naima Simone: You know it's a Harlequin when it starts with the billionaire propositioning a member of the catering staff (or so he thinks). There ends up being a blackout and she does take him up on that offer. It's such a stellar early sex scene because their chemistry is off the charts.

Heated Rivalry by Rachel Reid: Shane and Ilya are pro-hockey rivals who *totally* hate each other and yet have secretly been hooking up for about a decade, and the book begins with one such hook-up.

Inside Bet by Katie Porter: They have sex the first night they meet (so within the first five chapters I believe) but there's this super hot, almost tense build-up as Jon and Heather gamble and make increasingly more risqué bets with one another.

The Secret That Can't Be Hidden by Caitlin Crews: There's a flashback of their first meeting where the hero sees her, beckons her forward, and goes to town on her just like that. Pure Harlequin (specifically pure Caitlin Crews) excellence.

Just One More Night by Caitlin Crews: The hero comes across her in an alleyway where she's being held at gunpoint, he kills(?) the assailants, and they immediately have sex in his car (in the immortal words of Stephan after they went bareback, "eh, you American girls are always on the pill").

[isagrimorie]

I wish there was meta about Red growing up during the cold war and how growing up Red didn’t have the vocabulary to address who he was.

(As I understand it, Red prefers to answer to he/him but also the show doesn't clarify this.)

I can only imagine it hadn’t helped the way he grew up it made it almost impossible to figure himself out.

Dom scripted Red’s life from the moment he could walk. He was the “son he always wanted”. And yet when he did become the son, Dom was furious with Red.

And at every opportunity mentioned how Red killed Katarina, and loved Katarina. Even on his deathbed.

But Red loved Dom despite everything he put Red through.

It’s no wonder Red is so deeply reluctant to tell Liz even if it would help everything, like for example when Tatiana claimed she was Katarina, Liz’s mother. Starting a rift and Liz (again) going against Red but in such a way that it cost Red his father and Anne.

I don’t know if Red was even conscious of how terrified he was that one of the reasons he hasn’t told Liz was because he was afraid Liz would reject him the way Dom did constantly.

This fear is at cross purposes with Liz’s need to find out who Red is to her.

Liz was adopted, and despite all of Red’s intentions she did remember being abandoned. Sam was her dad despite his flaws and she accepted them and loved him and since Sam died Liz’s desire to know more of her past, who Red is to her grew.

The moments when Liz was at peace and happily working with Red was when she thought she knew who Red was: her bio dad, or when she thought Red was Ilya (Red’s childhood friend who once posed as Reddington).

The worst moments of their relationships is when Liz didn’t know who Red was, or when fake!Katarina entered the picture.

It would have been far easier maybe if Red accepted the title and role of “father”. But being a father is a loaded one for Red, due to so many things starting with Dom and ending with Red’s guilt over Original Reddington’s death and the role Red played in that.

To Red Liz’s fathers were: Original Reddington, Constantin Rostova, and Sam. He isn’t part of the list.

The only real thing Katarina ever had in a life full of life was Masha and being Masha’s mother.

And I think that might be a key to Red’s block because Red didn’t want to be called Liz’s dad.

Red wants Liz to call him mother.

But how does Red reconcile that to himself? Becoming Reddington was a necessity but Red found freedom and happiness being Raymond Reddington. He was a better Reddington than the Original Reddington.

He celebrated life and for the first time in his whole life when he became Reddington he was no longer anyone’s puppet. Slowly in his role, he discovered who he was at last. Red found out what he liked and disliked, who he liked and disliked. Who he was attracted to and who he wasn’t attracted to.

What food he loved and hated. The clothes he liked remained similar in that Red still loved tailored clothes, and liked being put together.

He finally had an appetite and zest for life and that was missing growing up.

It’s why as much as he can, he will never deny himself anything he wanted again.

But also after all these years, Red realized he loved his younger self. He loved Katarina and missed her, and would in times of crisis have an imaginary talks with her.

He is often his own counsel. Sometimes, unwisely he subjects himself to Dom’s advice which only ends up making him feel worse.

I wish we knew what happened to Red’s mother after she was sent away for her own protection. I wonder if Red’s mother even knew? or I wonder if she wasn’t told because, of all people her opinion is the one Red valued the most?

So again that left Red with himself and his complicated thoughts about not wanting to be called “father” and not knowing how to feel about still wanting to be called Liz’s mother.

(Although, again this is not clear or textually maybe Red prefers to be just called Red or considered as a parent. This is one of the things the show doesn't clarify and played more ambiguous).

Who was Red going to talk to? Maybe Kate? But even before there was a distance between Kate and Red, and a power imbalance.

Dembe seems to be the only one who has Red’s total confidence still there is the power imbalance.

Red isn’t also the type to discuss matters of gender and sexuality when it pertains to himself. He can talk about anyone else’s.

Ivan and Ilya are also Cold war era guys who are as clueless.

But Tatiana Petrova, who Dom and Ilya sent out to die claiming she was Katarina but lived, knew. Or had enough of an inkling that when Tatiana discovered who Red really was, Tatiana was able to flaunt to Red that she could be Liz’s mother and Liz would believe and choose Tatiana over Red because Liz thought Tatiana was her mother.

The way Red looked at that taunt was because Tatiana knew Red won't tell Liz who he really is to her. The way it did alienate Liz from Red and how that triggered events that led to Nachalo (8x21).

It would just be so much easier to tell Liz at that point.

But even in this imaginary simulacrum of Katarina, she was shaky and terrified breath as Red and Katarina are finally asked this question. "Who became Reddington?"

And Red stalled and stalled and stalled. Telling Liz he would give the letter her mother wrote to her explaining everything after Liz killed him in a public spectacle so she could take over his empire.

For a smart man with brilliant plans, Red also has some stupid ones, and this was one of them.

Because how did he think it would go over??? Liz already accidentally killed her bio dad, and now she would accidentally on purpose kill her bio mother?

Red was doing suicide by Liz, seemingly forgotten what he told himself years ago when he talked himself out of suicide:

"--Every suicide. Every single one. Is an act of terror ‭perpetrated against everyone who's ever known you… Everyone who's ever loved you. The people closest to you… the ones who cherish you… are the ones who suffer the most pain, the most damage. Why would you do that?"

I know he thought it was the only way to keep Liz and his granddaughter safe, but at what cost?

And then his worst fear came true.

"I am her mother. And I am death to her."

The one thing Red dedicated his entire life to preventing. Liz/Masha dying in his arms, with all certainty knowing it was his fault.

And she died with Red unable to tell her, even though she did figure it out in death. Red didn't say it out loud to her, the one thing she's been wanting to know from him since they first met.

And he wasn't even able to tell his daughter who he really is to her.

(Also I was watching a scene in season 4 where Liz was reading Katarina's journal and Liz imagined reaching out to Katarina's hand and asking her where she was.

Imaginary Katarina vanished at the moment the door opened and Red entered).

/edited.

(I apologize for any errors in this post, and I welcome any input!)

[katarinas-redemption]

very informative tweets from tptb

Episode 4x7 Adrian Shaw Conclusion - #RedvsKirk and various tweets from the writers.

Adrian Shaw Conclusion Air date Nov 10, 2016. tweets from Daniel Cerone "This Katarina dialogue between Red and Kirk, crucial. Remember for the future." "We won't hear "what he said" but the truth of what Red said to Kirk will be def be revealed." "Red never lying to Liz remains true for anything Red says tonight." "The information is all there. You just have to think of it as a puzzle. Red has never lied to Liz."

"I know what you're thinking. Red NEVER lies. He said he wasn't her father. But it will all make sense in the end."

"Bam! And yes he's telling the truth."

"Wait for it. Wait for it."

"For the super fan, this is not a retcon. nor will one be required. You just have to commit to the end. We know our destination.

"Red is not Liz's dad. Red says so. He doesn't lie." Q: Fan: Red is not father's Lizzie. A: Daniel Cerone: This is true. "The pieces will fit, but it's a series journey with twists and turns. We know the end game."

Q: Fan: Yeah… and Red doesn't lie to Liz, yet he said with no uncertainty, her father died in the fire… lol. A: What Red said about that is absolutely true. Keep watching.

"To clear any questions, Reddington is not Ilya Koslov. That is the reveal. But if you stick with the journey ahead, you will find out who Reddington is to Liz. That's a guarantee. " Fan: But he's not the real Raymond Reddington because the real Raymond Reddington is dead correct? Daniel Cerone: Yes that is correct. "Best part of joining the staff this season: I asked about every show secret and they HAD to answer."

from John Eisendrath:

"That last moment w/ RedvsKirk is a testament to the importance of words. Be careful with them, they're powerful." from Zee Hatley: Fan: Red is Elizabeth's father. I have thought it since ep 1 and until they tell us otherwise, I will continue to think that. Zee Hatley: You're not listening… Red told Liz. "It's been repeatedly said on screen _ else is people reading into it and __ despite evidence." (this above tweet cut off on the parts where the lines are but the rest of the words are accurate. Re: S5 Finale: "My favorite line from the pilot paid off last night. Follow the breadcrumbs… " #TheBlacklistReveal

from Daniel Knauf: Cape May 1 and 2:

"Lots was revealed. You just don't know it yet.'

"It's really all right there."

"We've already answered the Dad question. Several times. Out loud." "Seriously. The question's been answered definitevly about 50X. Everyone on the show just shrugs and figures what's the point? from Brandon Sonnier Q: You guys said Red had not lied in 118 - the golden rule: Red never lies to liz, still stands? A: Raymond Reddington is a man of his word. As are we.

Joe Carnahan Re: Ep. Rassvet "If they do the twist, that I've heard about, OOOOOHHH BUDDY, this is a good one!!!

from Nicole Phillips Apr 14, 2016 "Thanks for live tweeting, everyone! Next week written by @daniel_knauf and it's a side of Red you've never seen before.

from Blacklist Writers "He has it. And so do you. Finally the truth. But what does it mean?"

[mermaidsirennikita]

Are there any other hockey romances that live up to Heated Rivalry I know you don't read a lot of contemporaries but I'm a little desperate

I have yet to find any, tbh! I've liked some Game Changers books (that's the series HR is a part of, of course) but nothing has hit me quite like HR, in part because I think they often feature one hero who is a hockey player and one who isn't?

Imo, part of what makes HR sooooo good is that Shane and Ilya are both at the top of their game, and so extremely competitive. It adds to the angst because it does make their relationship that much more scandalous (all the questions about them letting each other win in The Long Game), it makes it much easier for them to be discovered... and it adds to the sexual tension because they're both like, top of the line athletes that both like to win. They are very equally matched.

A lot of the times, I feel a bit uncomfortable with m/m books that are written by women because it feels as if like... one of the guys (usually the bottom) is basically just there for the female reader to project onto. Imo, while Shane and Ilya have very defined top/bottom roles in the bedroom (which is fine and normal--not everyone is going to be verse) the relationship very much reads as one between two guys, and two guys who in many ways are super alpha in their "jobs". Yes, Shane has more visible anxiety and is less aggressive outwardly than Ilya, but he's very dominating in his sport. Not that men are all ~alphas~, nor should they be--but I think this is part of what makes HR work (for me). Shane doesn't seem like someone remade their heroine as a guy in order to sell a m/m book. (In fact, Shane has many of the emotional traits you see in many closed off, withholding contemporary heroes, lmao.) Ilya doesn't read like a fantasy hero who's actually hooking up with a girl that got remade as a guy for book sales. Yeah, Shane may even enjoy being sexually submissive at points, beyond bottoming--but that doesn't read like Rachel Reid giving a version of a man who is just there for women to project onto. It reads like Shane being a super tightly wound guy who likes to relax by submitting sometimes. As people of all genders often do.

I've heard good things about Sarina Bowen and Elle Kennedy's Him, but I haven't read that yet and I need to... give it a while before I do so because I'll compare it to HR/TLG at this point.

Oh, I will say, if you haven't been to Rachel Reid's website, she does have a few short stories/cut scenes from HR/TLG that are real good.

--One is like, a Halloween short story about Ilya's first Halloween in Ottawa where he basically dresses up like Shane and Shane overhears him handing out Halloween candy and understandably wants to have five kids with him.

--One is an in between story about their first dinner with Hayden post Hayden finding out about them. Hammers home that Hayden is bi and doesn't know it, FOR SURE. Also, hot.

--One is a long cut scene wherein Shane, post-HR "catches" (he is not hiding) Ily watching ~content~ featuring a woman... counting backwards from 100... and trying to hold out. Shane is like "WELL I COULD DO THAT BETTER" naturally (he cannot). This is both a hot one, and imo, a good little bi rep discussion moment because Shane literally asks Ilya if he misses girls and they discuss that a bit. Also, Ilya just waiting for Shane to come out of the shower by watching ~content~ and being like "look, she's cute" is very, very funny to me.

[basilknell]

Everything you stated about Vasily having no idea about the gold plot is an intriguing point and one backed up in the story -- Vasily seemingly does have no idea about this secondary plot to him, and is exclusively focused on Ogata in the story. After all, he witnesses Sugimoto and co. skin a man and yet we have no visuals of him questioning why it happens. So, supposedly, he took that in stride. Perhaps he did ask about what was happening, perhaps he didn't. Noda simply never showed us.

However, in regards to some other things you've stated in this and other blogs regarding Vasily, I have some statements.

Firstly, Vasily is not canonically of a low rank. This post mentions why the cockade on his hat is a bad basis to use, but there is other evidence that points towards him being an officer as well.

Secondly, Vasily doesn't exactly say "Emotions/Anger/Hatred/Vengeance" as what makes someone unfit to be a sniper. He only says hatred, and by extension of the discussion of Ilya's soon-to-be death, vengeance. A small (but distinct) importance, because of him following Ogata to Japan, while it can be an emotional response, doesn't mean it has to be interpreted as hatred. Even if it is an emotional response from Vasily, Vasily did not specifically condemn all emotion in his dialogue.

Vasily as a character is quite prideful in much of his dialogue, putting himself above others he is deeming as "prey". He deems Ogata's group as his prey which is why he takes Kiroranke's actions as an insult and thus why Kiroranke is not immediately shot, but that ideology soon turns to just Ogata specifically because Ogata is such a unique and difficult sort of "prey" as another sniper, as we see in some of his dialogue during their fight.

The question of "why" Vasily continues to hunt Ogata is a complicated one, and has a variety of different options that can all be mixed together.

[1] Given the prey comments Vasily makes and his insistence of viewing others he shoots as that, Ogata is his unique prey that got away. He simply wants to kill Ogata finally to fulfill his hunting ideology.

[2] We also see Vasily as prideful based on his dialogue. Because Vasily "lost" their duel (he did not die, so technically the duel might not be a loss to him), his pride was shattered and he wants to restore it by either killing Ogata or at the very least allowing the duel to rest in completion via one dying by the others hand. We see him have some dialogue regarding this -- he wants to continue their fight until one of them is actually successful in killing the other. Alternatively, because of that pride, maybe it is his hatred because he lost that overtakes him. While this is counter to what he says in dialogue about snipers, we also see Ogata briefly lose his sniperhood based on how Ogata qualifies it (he loses his eye and qualifies a sniper as someone who kills people, and does not continue to kill others until Sapporo where he indeed restored his sniperhood) as well, perhaps making Vasily's own loss of defined sniperhood an intentional parallel.

[3] Vasily had some screws knocked loose after he was shot in the face and left in the snow until he was found by another patrol. He, at times, seems infatuated with the idea of Ogata, seen in the way how he obsessively drew the other man, refused to part with drawings based on Ogata as we see with the Death of a Wildcat not being allowed to part with him until his death, and even would become flustered at the idea of Ogata being near. Maybe he became attached to the idea of someone that was able to beat him (Ogata). Maybe he latched onto his parallel dynamic because of his near-death experience. We don't know!

Regardless, its likely a combination of all these reasons, but given Vasily is also a veteran of the recent war, it is unsurprising that he would go to the lengths he did to follow Ogata around when he may have war trauma as the root of his actions and attachment to Ogata. Also, desertion of the Russian Imperial Army was incredibly common, especially with those from Siberia (while Vasily's birthplace is to the West of the Urals, his hometown is part of a Cossack district that belonged to the East Siberian District, and there is ample conjecture he is an Ussuri Cossack which indeed is located in Siberia. Furthermore, he's also likely conscripted, which gives him little to be loyal to his military as well), so it is not a strange idea for him to have deserted just to pursue Ogata.

Regarding your other posts and Vasily's assumption of Ogata and his relations:

We know from Vasily's art he has an incredible attention to detail for faces and remembrance of them after just a few glances from a distance. He's also able to instantly identify that the group crossing the border are not entirely Nivkh just because Ogata's Arisaka is in the hands of supposed Nivkh. He's aware that there is a partisan terrorist traveling among them -- there'd be little reason for him to return to killing the Nivkh when anyone with intelligence can deduce the Nivkh were only there to facilitate the border crossing rather than necessarily having a relationship with the "terrorists". Nor might he assume Ogata has any relation to those around him, as partisan terrorist groups including a Tatar-Ainu aren't reasonably assumed to travel with more than "comrade-in-arms" persons. So I doubt he thought of Shiraishi as more than a comrade of Ogata's as his best lead to find the man. While Russia at the time was indeed more open to homosexual relationships than Japan was at the time, it'd be strange of him to assume Shiraishi and Ogata had a relationship simply because they happened to be traveling as a part of the same presumed "terrorist group".

But, back to Vasily's memory and skill when it comes to faces. Ogata and Shiraishi would look wildly different to Vasily because his artistic skill portrays that he can present them as appearing different, and thus he'd know, or at the very least be confident, they weren't related. Accordingly, he'd have little reason to assume an Ainu-Polish girl (Asirpa) would be related to a Japanese man (Ogata) either because they'd look even more different than Shiraishi and Ogata would from one another. The terrorist Vasily was tracking, Yulbars, was a known part-Ainu, so a young Ainu girl with the appearance of being part Polish would not be quite an uncommon sight to be traveling with that known partisan. If Vasily lacked his artistic skill as evidence to showcase he identified traits of other races well, I'd agree that maybe he might assume some of them could be related. However, his attention to detail in art says otherwise that he'd likely be keenly aware of familial traits in faces. Thus, he probably thinks none of them are related at all.

Vasily has a lot of open-ended information about him compared to other characters, but history and closely examining what we see of his dialogue and skills can help us bridge some of those gaps.

I haven't ever seen this pointed out, but.....

Vasily has no idea what's going on.

Vasily doesn't speak japanese. He has no idea about the gold hunt, the tattooed skins, all these different players and their motivations or why this 12 year old girl is the epicenter of the struggle between dozens of violent military dudes.

Nobody told him.

He literally has NO IDEA what is going on.

Like this makes me wonder, what does Vasily THINK is going on?

I would love to see some fanfiction from his point of view as he watches this cast of crazy characters do crazy things, and his interpretation of what the hell this is all about.

Vasily has no idea the gold exists.

The little button thing on his hat indicates that he is of low rank within the Russian army. The four russian guys were waiting at the border to shoot the person in the wanted posters, to collect the reward to get ahead in life. That is what is stated in the dialogue. Everybody else in Vasily's group died.

Vasily decided to desert the Russian army, go into Japan, a foreign country for which he does not speak the language, and then follow around this group of people who are unable to communicate with him. In hopes of shooting Ogata.......

wut

why?

In their previous confrontation, it is stated that people who are emotional, driven by anger, hatred or revenge are not suited to become snipers......

So then is this not a emotional decision on Vasily's part?

Vasily also has no idea if Sugimoto's group will encounter Ogata again. As the audience, we know that Ogata will probably come back since he is a major character.

BUT VASILY DOESNT KNOW THIS.

How long was he planning to follow these people around? 6 months? 2 years? Was he okay with following these people around for however long until Ogata shows up?

Do you ever wonder how Vasily interprets this group?

The first time he met them, Asirpa was with Ogata, and he shielded her and protected their group.

He clearly holds the assumption that Ogata will come back to her. But since he doesn't know about the gold hunt, does Vasily think Ogata is her father or relative?

In his own mind, is he hovering around what he thinks is the daughter (Asirpa) so he can kill the father (Ogata) when he comes back?

Please Explain

[masked-disciple]

For the OC thing- 24?

#24 pulls up Alehjo Kyistre! The picrew above is just a sketch mostly for colour palette and general Vibe - he doesn't really look super much like this, because he's Haridorian, and Haridorians are something built like demons except for all the ways they're not. (Alehjo has hooves like a goat and furry legs. His hair tends to float and he doesn't need much oxygen, and he's just built to throw shit and has heavy-ass bones.)

Alehjo is xlintae on the gender front, and by genetics he's primarily syateikh Haridorian, with a good mix of aibhantre and a little bit of ruebhajlo. If he's got any halayhi in him, it's not noticeable.

He's so far a minor character; which is to say he's an investigative journalist based in downtown T'iuonne, in Ilya Haridore itself. He's got two daughters that he adopted while out on a work trip - Antigh'yen and Caph'drei - alongside his roommate-sort-of-partner Goelyanh and eventually Ryukao Kusue who is mostly avoiding everyone out of trauma atm.

Alehjo's story is pretty straightforward, since he hasn't featured in a major plotline yet: he was an EMT working for the equivalent of the Red Cross, when on a battlefield he got a little too close to one of the Detan Burata, 01 Zatsu Shi, and she decided to answer this by wiping his memory and giving him a nasty concussion. When he woke up back in Ilya Haridore, he had zero memory of his family, husband, or really anything about himself. He was missing an eye before that, and has no idea how that happened.

His husband was deeply upset by this and divorced him, which Alehjo is... mostly ambivalent about; he doesn't remember the man much and figures if he was willing to leave him over it, then he probably wasn't worth keeping around. Alehjo slowly got back on his feet and went into investigative journalism mostly on a whim.

He has glowing blue (like his eyes) tattoos that he doesn't know the significance of, and enjoys talking to cameras. Technology is the wheelhouse of the xlintae Haridorians, he just likes cameras specifically.

Before he got his daughters by accident on a work trip (the missing unholy archetype, Eriadn' Xlintaea himself, accidentally transformed two human teenagers into Haridorians and sort of shoved them on Alehjo who he thought needed some more anchors to his present life and they all just kind of accepted that), he also enjoyed doing drugs. Yes, the same drugs Eriadn' Ditrauan conspired with the Eiuraeu Auc'xc to destroy part of Ilya Afloria's economy with. He does less of them now because he has to be a Responsible Parent.

The joke's on Alehjo though, he figured out that if he does certain drugs, he gets access to never-before-seen xlintae abilities that all the xlintae have access to but no one's figured out yet. So he keeps a supply of those on hand just in case he runs into another Detan Burata and they try to ruin his life again.

He hasn't figured out either that he could use those exact abilities to restore his own memory. I guess the question is whether or not he'd actually want to? He might not, idk. I'm gonna make him deal with Ryukao's entire bullshit first.

[send me a number between 2 and 787 and I'll tell you a little about that character]

[guys if you keep sending me numbers below 100 you're going to keep getting characters whose first names start with A. c'mon. 787 ocs to pick from. The Ms don't start until 455. :p ]

[ragingstillness]

Shadow and Bone spoilers - random thoughts from my notes (e2)

I love that this stolen painting of the fold is now our indicator that they're in the crow club.

Why doesn't Kaz tell anyone anything?

Blowing up the crow club is a scorched earth drama queen move and I approve.

"The barrel doesn't belong to kings it belongs to bastards" - ICONIC SHOWSTOPPING WE LOVE LOVE LOVE TO SEE IT

Quoted directly from my notes here: "Give me Ben you fuckers"

Why is Alina trying to seduce the Darkling in the tether?

"You're already dead" oof the foreshadowing

So cute Genya is looking for David and the Darkling is promising he'll find him. It's yet more evidence of how much he cares for all Grisha. He's rescuing them. Now that I think of it, how did Genya end up in a cage anyway? Was she back at the Darkling's encampment in Kribirsk and not on the skiff?

More Genya/David I love this song.

"Fear in a smaller glass is instinct" I am finally actually engaged in the crows' storyline

Nina's love for waffles continues.

Ballsy of the writers to tell us that Helnik had sex off-screen and refuse to show it to us.

Quoted directly from my notes here: "why does Hellgate look like a pair of boobs"

If the Shark Tooth in the side of Tamar's head isn't considered unusual why did everyone act like the bonding of the stag collar was some horrific thing. Not related to this scene just a thought I had, do you need a Durast for every implantation of an amplifier?

Why aren't they showing us Alina dreaming of the sea whip and the firebird? Seems odd after showing her dreaming of the stag and a simple dream flashback wouldn't take much of the runtime.

"You think the three are connected" is it somehow not common knowledge that Ilya created all three? Duh they're connected.

It's sweet that the Darkling knows the names and stories of everyone he ever rescued, really shows he cared.

Genuinely quite surprised that even Inej doesn't know the history with Pekka because in season one she seemed to.

"You're not just sunshine sunshine" lol

I'm kind of in love with Fruzsi but why have we literally never seen her before and why is she filling the role of Ivan or Fedyor? Also, finally we get to see a tidemaker, we've seen almost every other iteration.

The map that Alina had seemed to show the seawhip being in the sea but suddenly it's on an island?

Killing the seawhip was ridiculously easy. Also, the stag wasn't inherently violent, even when its territory was invaded, why was the seawhip violent?

Is it just me or is Nina chubbier this season? Maybe it's just the multiple layers and cloaks and bustle. I can't help but think that they took into consideration the criticism that Nina wasn't "truly" plus-size and this is how they dealt with it.

Inej's leather pants are everything.

I've been told that in the books Jesper is deeply and unrequitedly in love with Kaz but ngl I'm glad they didn't lean in on it and just had Wylan make one suspicious comment.

"My wraith" death, death for Pekka Rollins for a thousand years.

This Morgens character came out of nowhere and the show's acting like we're supposed to know him. And why is he wearing the Daredevil suit and dressing like one of the twelve from Junni Taisen?

Jesper remembering Wylan while lying on top of him is peak disaster bisexual behavior and I approve.

When are they ever going to run out of animal metaphors for Inej and the Crows? It's just constant all season.

Jesper stopping while being strangled to give Wylan a thumbs up is yet more peak disaster bisexual behavior.

I can't help but notice that Aleksander is spending a ton of time in these first episodes perilously close to the fireplace. Is he experiencing some sort of eternal chill/wasting sickness thing like Baghra does?

TW: SELF HARM MENTION

Ok what was he going to do with that hot poker? Burn the hole in his hand a little deeper? Like there's just nothing given as a reason besides the plot insisting that we need to learn about the tether. (I can't help but think of this from a self-harm angle)

Jessie's got some dance moves. It gives me Benedict Cumberbatch learning to Pop-Lock for Dr. Strange vibes.

"My Alina" - cute in fic where they're in a relationship, creepy in all other contexts including this one.

[fooltofancy]

WoL asks question 8 for anyone you'd like! <3

8. how do they feel about the fame/infamy that comes with being a warrior of light/ darkness?

both, for giggles -

eli is a craftsman first and foremost, so he's familiar through familial business ventures with a bit of notoriety. never minded so much when someone recognized him for a fine pair of eyeglasses or gloves or boots, but being recognized as the warrior of light is something else entirely that he's not quite come to terms with. something itching and uncomfortable. without the echo and the responsibility he feels comes with it he'd put as much distance between himself and adventuring as possible.

not sure how those feelings are gonna develop, just yet, but i DO feel like he's better equipped to process the complicated emotions that come with wolhood than ilya is, so that's something. one day i will make it through more of his msq and find out.

ilya doesn't know who he is or what he wants on the best of days, so his experience as An Individual Of Note mostly consists of riding it like a wave - it's barely his business where he ends up, so why fight it? it took him an unnecessary amount of time to come to terms with the difference between growing up as a notably weird little guy loose in ul'dah and recognition as the warrior of light - the attention hasn't necessarily gone to his head, but he is very, very good at ignoring it. probably to his detriment.

i'd like to say he handles the attention responsibly (when he notices it), but that'd be generous of me. while he is, perhaps, over-aware of his responsibility to the scions (weird conduit to a god, good at murder; use responsibly), he does early in their relationship have a tendency to take advantage of his notoriety when he can. When both the relationship and the notoriety last, however, the attention begins to chafe. he was comfortable being a tool for better folk willing to use him for his abilities beyond the scope of his own intention, but inhabiting a space where people you care about are willing to die so that you can keep living (haurchefant was a shock and it really only goes downhill from there) is distressing, and he's not really equipped to deal with the personal consequences of being considered a hero.

(ffxiv wol questions)

[starlsssankt]

Dunyasha looked over Ilyas words. The wayhis handwriting shook and twisted the deeper in the journal it looked. It turned to Aleksander, a gleam in its eyes. 

"Now I remember you. Your power speaks to me like your grandfather's did. Do you know the origin of your powers? Both of you?"

Anastasiya stepped toward the woman though she didn't look like one now. Too devoid of the light of a mortal. What had Cassian called her? A goddess of Death? A child carved from ivory and amber. 

"Heketah. She birthed the Saints, their blood flows in -"

She tisked giggling to herself as she touched the journal. Her nails had dried blood under them. Anastasiya noted that the blood seemed intentional as if she relished the way it felt on her skin. 

"Not just her blood. That little aptitude for Merzost doesn't come from Heketah or the Asteri blood in her."

She looked to them again. Stepping away to open her arms wide. The runes glowing a sickly silver in the dimly lit room. Like dirty snow on the bottom of a mountain. 

"She ran from Cassandra 20,000 years ago. She ran to my cell and destoryed herself. Her power ripped at my body then. I was so weak, so tired and I let myself perish."

She spoke as if this made any sense, as if this was fact. Anastasiya stepped closer to Aleksander her hand gripping his. Not in fear she didn't need him to sheild her. No, no it was a warning. This woman may be the best assassin in centuries. She may have some power to sustain injuries not even a fae could - but she wasn't mentally well. 

Dunyasha continued smiling at them. Seeming to relish having a captive audience. 

"I came back soon enough anyway. But my blood mixed with her children. 11 of them born from her blood and mine. 11 children capable of feats no witch had before them. 11 witches able to break through the barriers and touch the cold and unfeeling stars. Witches that could have been Asteri in their own right if their masters had let them."

Dunyasha tapped a sharp nail on the page. Anastasiya half feared she'd pierce the page. 

"Ilyas found me 1,000 years ago. I was newly free delirious with all the possibilities at my fingertips. He asked to share my knowledge to tell him how to make amplifiers. They could make weapons and magic that could cut an Asteri down. But no, no he wanted more than that. He wanted to become like them, to feel the world in the ways they did. Wholly and fully. So I showed him, I taught how to See..."

She grinned at Aleksander, teeth showing. Anastasiya leaned closer squinting. Was it a trick of the light or were her teeth filed to points?

"As you can see he didn't take it well -"

𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐒, rapt with focus, but trying to appear as if everything she says is something he knows, something he's heard before.

It isn't.

All of it is new, but then, his mother hadn't ever been very forthcoming with tales of the past. No matter how often he'd asked, as a young boy, the answers were always vague. He'd wondered if she'd done so intentionally, hoping he'd drop it. And after awhile, he had. Tired of not getting the right answers...

How does this one know so much? he wants to wonder, wishes it was possible to think, maybe, that she wasn't knowing so much--

Until she mentions his grandfather. Until that name falls from her lips as she nearly cuts through the journal's pages. That fingernail of hers almost clawing through the scrawled words of madness that Aleksander hadn't figured out yet.

❝ Was it you? ❞ The questions leaves his lips in a harsh tone, but an equally curious one, too. Anastasiya's hand in his is something he uses to ground himself. To let himself know that this is still real. All of it.

This assassin might not be all there, all right in the head. But what she says is something he needs to know. To understand.

❝ Were you the one that led him to madness? ❞

mention // @an-endless-saga

[elysianfiction]

I'm so sorry to hear about the project. It sucks when you lose something you've worked so hard on especially on top of other crappy things happening!! I hope it all gets resolved!! All the fluff prompts are so cute, "are you busy? can I talk to you for a moment?" with Ronan if you would like

Yes, it does ☠️ especially considering I lost other things as well, but we'll survive. 😤💛

Here's the prompt and apologies for the rusty writing!

The plan is simple... or so Altair lead you to believe.

It's not the first time the poor man has asked for your help, once or twice sneaking in not so subtle bribes in the form of dusty hardbacks filled with spells the likes of which have probably not seen the light of day in a century or two.

The plain is simple, at least in theory. Pulling Julian away from work has never been an issue on board of the Scarlet—not with Ilya's helpful iron fist promising doom upon the Captain's skull—but you've soon come to understand that Ronan is a stubborn creature.

He means no harm, most times than not, but he sure does make it hard on those who wish he'd just slow down, if for a little while.

Sometimes you picture Ilya roaming the castle's halls with a loaf of bread in one hand and a concoction made to put beasts to sleep in the other, wondering what would happen if the man switched places with Altair for a day or two.

"I can hear you scheming."

You yelp like a kitten caught stealing from the market, skipping practicalities to instead push the doors to one of Ronan's many hiding holes—Altair's words, not yours—open, peaking your head in with a grin.

"Are you busy?" You ask, sounding falsely innocent to your own ears. "I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute."

Ronan tries to keep a small smile away from his lips, you see him make a valiant effort before ultimately giving up, golden eyes at once meeting yours from the rim of yet another stack of papers.

The mixture of old scrolls and dried ink sticks to his skin most days, so much you believe you'd be able to find him among a crowd if for that familiar smell alone.

Well, that and his undesired bright presence, you suppose...

"I see Altair has decided to permanently turn you into his loyal subject," he says, pressing the ring with the royal's crest over scarlet wax. "I'll have to talk with him about it."

You roll your eyes in good humor, closing the door behind you and boldly stepping inside the room, unable to keep yourself from grazing your fingertips over the bookshelves as you do so.

"We both know you won't," you say, making him huff. "Otherwise you would have kicked me out that first time. So, what are we plotting today?"

Ronan doesn't protest as you step close, nor when you push at his shoulder until he's pushing away from the scrivener, just enough for you to sit on his thigh.

"Nothing you need to concern yourself about," he says, stopping the remark already on the tip of your tongue. "I promise you."

You hum, shoulders relaxing a notch, not breaking away from his gaze even as the letters stand so temptingly close.

"I suppose I'll have to believe you," you sigh theatrically, leaning against his shoulder. "Although you make it so complicated, sometimes."

Ronan hums, perhaps only half listening, as he rubs his cheek against the crown of your hair, ever at peace when surrounded by your scent. "I'll try to do better, next time."

"Don't start lying so soon, would you?" You whine, joining in when he starts chuckling. "What a foul, foul creature."

"Don't wound me too harshly, beloved. I have never hidden anything from you, not when it comes to myself."

"Is this your pretty way of saying you chose this?"

A beat of silence, the slightest brush of lips against your hair. "Perhaps."

And how are you supposed to come up with a clever remark when he's right? You sigh again, even more exaggeratedly, hiding your smile in the crook of his neck.

What you wouldn't give, for another hundred of these days.

[aria-i-adagio]

A fluffy ficlet follows:

This is Sasha

Sasha is five.  She has a sock Faust who isn't as good as real Faust, but Asra took real Faust with him on his trip.  Sometimes Asra leaves real Faust when he's worried Mommy or Daddy might do something silly while he's gone.  But Sasha isn't supposed to know that.  She's supposed to think that real Faust is watching out for her.

Sasha is smart.  She knows enough to not say everything she knows.

She dressed herself this morning.  Her favorite leggings that look like the sun before it sets and her purply-est, purple dress.  Mama and Daddy weren't up yet, so she fed the dogs their breakfast - a bowl of pomegranates she had to levitate down from a top shelf.  Malak squacked at her when she climbed up the shelves to find the pumpkin bread, but she gave him a piece and he was quiet.  

She eats bread and colors a picture, and then she's bored.  She's climbs into bed with Mama and Daddy and starts to braid Daddy's hair.  It's red and curly like hers.  Daddy turns his head and half wakes up.

“Shto, kotyonka?”

“It's morning.  Utra.”

Daddy mumbles something and sits up, running at his face and peering out the window.  “So it is.”  He ruffles Sasha's hair and grins conspiratorially. (Which is a bigger word than Sasha can spell, but not so big that she doesn't know it.  Mama and Asra are often conspiratorial.  And Mama and Daddy are conspiratorial.  And sometimes, Daddy and Asra are conspiratorial, and that is always fun.)  “How should we wake up your mother?  Tickles or kisses?”

“Tickles are mean, Daddy!”  Sasha forgets to keep her voice down and claps her hands over her mouth when Mama stirs.  But she doesn't open her eyes, so Sasha wasn't too loud.

“Okay, kisses it is then.”

Sasha laughs and kisses Mama's cheek.  Mama opens one eye, then rolls over and wraps her arms around Sasha, pulling her into a warm cuddle.  Mama is very good at cuddling.  “Up already, little one?”

“The sun's been up for hours, Mama!”

“Hours, oh my!”

“Is Asra coming home today?”

“No, sweetie.  Not today, not tomorrow, but the next day.”

Sasha sits up and counts on her fingers.  One for not today, one for not tomorrow, and one for the next day.  Three days.  “That's too long!”

“I absolutely agree with you, darling.”  Daddy kisses the top of her head.

“Who's going to fix my hair?”

“Sweetie, let me get some coffee made before we worry about fixing anyone's hair.”  Mama scrubs the back of her hand over her eyes.  “Go on down to the kitchen.  We'll be right there.”

Sasha scrambles down from bed and reaches back for sock Faust.  She pads to the door and back down the stairs.

The dogs have pushed the fruit bowl into the corner and the scattered remnants of pomegranates litter the floor.  Sasha starts to scold them; the doggies should know better.  They're older than she is.  But she's suddenly scooped off her feet and held tight in Daddy's arms as he mutters curses under his breath.

“It's okay, Ilya.”  Mama sighs loudly as she picks her way around the smears of bright red juice.  “Just pomegranates.”

Sasha puts a game of each of Daddy's cheeks.  Daddy worries too much.  Especially when Asra is gone.  “I gave the doggies breakfast.”

“I can see that.”

Mama crouches down to pick up the bowl from the corner and does something with her hands as she stands up.  The juice lifts off the floor, gathers into a trembling sphere, and drops into the sink.  “No real harm done, but Sasheenka, that's not the best breakfast for Mercedes and Melchior.”  Both doggies slink into the kitchen with their tails between their legs.

“But they like pomegranates!”

Mama kisses her shoulder.  She can't reach Sasha's cheek when Daddy is holding her.  “You wanted to give them a treat.  That was nice.  But ask first next time.  And give them treats outside.”

Mama starts to heat water for coffee. Sasha tugs  Daddy's hair and sits her down at the table in a slightly higher chair that's just for her.  He looks at the bread unwrapped on the table and tuts.  “And you got yourself bread too.”  

“I got my own breakfast.  I'm big now.”

“I see that.”  He sits down across from her at the table.

“And I gave Malak a piece.”

“Mmm . . . I thought he was starting to look a little fat.”

Mama sets a glass of milk down in front of Sasha and then streaming mugs of coffee on the table for get and Daddy.  Coffee is gross.  Asra doesn't drink it anyway Sasha is pretty sure he's the smartest of her parents.  Even if he's gone too much.  She drinks her milk while Mama and Daddy drink their coffee.  They're always happier after coffee.

Mama gets a second mug of coffee and sits back down.  She slices off the crumbled end of pumpkin bread that Sasha was eating from and begins to nibble on it.  “So, little one, what are we going to do after Daddy goes to work.”  

Sasha claps her hands.  “Feed chickens and gather eggs.”

Daddy smiles.  “I'm surprised you haven't already fed the chickens.”

“Asra told me I shouldn't go outside if you and Mama are still sleeping.  Not unless I have real Faust.”

“Good advice.  What are you going to do next?”

“Take eggs to Mazelinka and Grannie and Grandpa.”

“Do you want to do anything special after that?”

Sasha touches one finger to her chin and thinks.  Going to the docks and looking at the ships was fun, even if Mama never took her to explore the streets around the harbor like Daddy would.  But that didn't seem right today.  “Can we take the doggies to visit Aunt Nadia and Aunt Pasha?”  The doggies always liked to visit the palace, and Aunt Pasha always had pretty flowers, and Aunt Nadia always had the best snacks.

Mama smiled.  “We can do that, sweet pea.  But we're not going anywhere until that happens is under control.”

Sasha shakes her head.  “Mama, you never do my hair right!”

Mama looks at Daddy, and Sasha can tell that she's exasperated.  (Exasperated is another word Sasha knows, even if she can't spell it.)  Sasha climbs down from her chair and gets her egg basket from a low shelf.  “I'm going to go look for eggs now.”  She trots off through the door to the backyard.  Both Mama and Daddy are awake now, so it was okay to go outside.

This is Sasha.

Sasha is five.  She has a sock Faust.

Sasha is very put out because the parent that fixes her hair *right* is gone *again* and neither of the two remaining parents will let her run off to her grannie’s until they’ve at least brushed her hair.  (This is the look right before she undoes all the latches on the door - including the ones too high to reach without magic - and runs pellmell through the middle of Vesuvia so that grannie can fix her hair.  Grannie does it *close* to *right.*)

Say nothing about the color combinations she picks for her clothes.  (”Are those orange tights with a purple dress?”  “Yes … yes, those are…”  “Goddamit, Asra!”)