#so dizzy. i think the only food I've eaten it the past 2 days was like 20 chicken nuggets today + instant noodles/potatoes yesterday
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#hm#tw vent#mutuals if you see this: no you don't#pls ignore this one /gen#i don't even know why im writing this down tbh#i was gonna say I'm sad and i don't know why but that's not true is it#getting misgendered by your own mom after only getting 4 hours of sleep does that i guess#and it's not like she doesn't know. i tried to correct her that I'm he and not she and her response was#'youre a she until your grades get better' EXCUSE YOU#the way this is going the only thing that's gonna get better is my hate. both towards you and towards me#i already didn't want to talk to anyone today cause i still had a headache from overheating yesterday or maybe from not sleeping enough#i could barely stand for 5 minutes without having to lean on something. all day. the first time i got up i had so sit back down cause i was#so dizzy. i think the only food I've eaten it the past 2 days was like 20 chicken nuggets today + instant noodles/potatoes yesterday#+ a whole bunch of lychee yesterday and today . i think im hungry. and dehydrated. and tired#i pushed my grandma out of my room when she went to check on me recently. i don't know why I did that. that was wrong#I've barricaded my door now; let's hope she doesn't try to enter again. I don't really wanna talk rn#you know. i like to joke how my life is boring rn and i live through my friends. but right now I'm only living for my friends.#i could never leave you all. kinda funny how a bunch of internet strangers understand me better than my own family#anyways. I'm oversharing again. um#delete at some point#I'm both so hungry and don't have an appetite#I'm not gonna leave my room. i think I'll just listen to music and cry for a bit. try to fall asleep maybe
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Me rambling about diet and exercise :p
Trying to transition myself into a state of mind of making sure my body is well taken care of has been challenging.
I have been dealing with body dysmorphia and a very restrictive eating disorder for sooo long...
I'm 25, 26 in just another 7 months... and I'm sick of driving myself crazy over my body and food!
So, instead of not eating, I'm trying to make sure the things I do eat are natural, healthy, and filling.
Making sure I'm more satiated by adding instead of subtracting. Adding fruit where I can, any veggies where I can. I need the nutrients and instead of binging on processed foods it keeps me fuller and I know I got some fruits and veggies in my system for the day. Not only is that good on its own but it's a lot easier for my body to digest and I don't get so bloated.
Getting exercise almost everyday, although I'm not in the gym at the moment. I'm just doing at home body weight basics like push ups, squats, leg raises for the core, etc. and at least a mile on the treadmill, running and walking. Today I did 2 miles.
I just want my body to feel healthy and capable. Not feeling dizzy, nauseous, having poor focus because I'm starving myself.
Oh yeah, and drinking plenty of water. Did no fucking realize how absolutely shitty you can feel when you're dehydrated HAH so I'm drinking AT LEAST 80 oz of water a day, although i usually drink around maybe 125 oz or a little more per day.
Before this year, i was basically starving myself almost everyday. I had gotten so used to it that a lot of the time, I didn't even feel hungry. And it wasn't too too bad all the time, but last year was pretty bad.
I gained some weight this year! Just a few lbs, because of eating like a normal person lol but also from eating a lot of fast food and junk :p it wasn't so much maybe like... 6 or 7 lbs. but a bit of that is muscle I've noticed.
And since I've cut the majority of that shit out of my diet and keeping exercise in my routine I've dropped maybe like... 3 lbs this past month I think. 2 or 3 it really just depends on what time of day I weigh myself and if I had just eaten, yknow.
Also, weighing myself is something I try to NOT do, because of my eating disorder. But it is nice to know here and there. I mean, there are still some issues with this, because i weigh 115-116 at 5 feet atm... so im pretty normal to be so worried about this all. I was like 112 at the beginning of the year lol but I looked really thin and I didn't have the bit of muscle I gained that I have now.
Once I'm able to go to the gym consistently (work schedule is a bit all over the place right now), I really want to prioritize eating enough protein to gain more muscle mass, though. So, that'll bulk me up and I'll be stronger :o)
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