#so despite what i planned im not gonna be watching pro on christmas

[returnofahsoka]

sick and tired of not being able to support my fave show on any streaming service bc guess what it's never available in my country

[devon--reynolds]

Where Do We Go From Here | Self - Para

Dev took a deep breath as he sat outside of Kalani’s house, gripping his steering wheel, trying to rehearse everything he was going to say in his head. It was partly for his 12 steps and partly because he really wanted this Thanksgiving to be the best one yet. With a sigh he got out of the car, her favorite donuts in a small box in his hands as he climbed the steps to her door, smoothing his hair down once before he pressed the doorbell. He knew she didn’t have a shift til later, that she’d be upset he didn’t call first but he was hopeful they’d get past that to have a real conversation. 

“Dev I..” Kalani started as she opened the door and saw him there, smoothing down her hair, wishing she had decided to take a shower earlier. She didn’t know why she cared at this point, knowing he had seen her in all sorts of ways but the man she was looking at now seemed so..different than the person she had known all those years ago. She supposed she hadn’t really known Devon in a long time, but she still believed that she knew him better than anyone. Stubbornly so. 

“Hey Kal, I-I’m sorry to just show up like this. I just..I was hoping we could talk. I brought donuts,” he told her and held up the bag, taking a step towards the door as she opened it wider, but not before snatching the donut bag and walking back into the kitchen. There hadn’t been many moments since he had gotten out that it was just the two of them alone and Dev was realizing that as he stood in her kitchen, feeling more nervous than he had originally intended. “I wanted to know if you were gonna come to Thanksgiving dinner today. Reagan told me you hadn’t made up your mind and I just..I wanted you to know I really want you there.” He cleared his throat and stood up straighter, wanting to get his words out before it was too late and she talked him out of it. “I know..that you’re still upset with but, it would mean a lot if for tonight we could just...come together as a family, you know? Especially for the kids..I’d like them to have one good Thanksgiving memory, you know? Of all of us being together and I, I’d like to spend some time with you, you know? If that’s..if that’s not too much to ask.”

She kept her eyes on the donuts as she pulled them out, grabbing a knife to cut them into smaller pieces if only to have something to do instead of look at him as he spoke. She hadn’t made up her mind about Thanksgiving, though when she woke up this morning she was leaning more towards staying home, watching the Macy’s parade as she waited for Jax to bring her some leftovers. Even in her head it seemed pathetic but she wasn’t sure she could muster the strength to sit with Devon and his family, to watch him enjoy himself, to accept him being home as something that was normal, something that she was used to. She looked at him and felt..pain, sadness, so much joy to just..be there with him and yet she couldn’t even let herself be happy about it, still incredibly pissed every time she looked at him. “I don't know Dev, I’m still..thinking about it.” It wasn’t a lie and she took a moment to eat half of one of the donuts before turning back towards him. “And I’m not..trying to get defensive but the kids have had good Thanksgivings, okay? I-I’ve cooked and I’ve..stuffed a fucking turkey, me, a turkey.” She didn’t have to say anything else, Devon knowing that Kalani wasn’t exactly a pro in the kitchen, she just got by. 

“I-I wasn’t trying to-”

Kalani held up her hand and shook her head. “It’s sweet, that you came here and brought me donuts and made that whole speech about family. And I get that everyone wants to celebrate you being home and act like one big happy family. Devon I’m happy you’re home but I’m also fucking...angry that it took so long and angry that all of our friends are now looking at me like Im the bad guy because I won’t let you back in my life. But look I..I get it, you’re the good guy now but you fucking..left me, Dev, to raise these kids, you could’ve fought harder, you could have made better choices. And maybe I’m fucking living in the past but every time I look at you I, see the night before you were gone. When you told me that we’d have everything. And I believed you..so deeply and I just,” she took a deep breath and shook her head, refusing to cry more tears over him, “Not having you around fucked me up. And now you’re here and it’s like..I’m supposed to just..forgive everything, I know I didn’t help but you were...unreachable months before you even got locked up. I want you to get better but I can’t..just trust that you’ve changed, I can’t, I’m sorry.”

Devon swallowed thickly, understanding what she was saying, knowing that all those years ago he had promised her time and time again to get his shit together and he never did. But things were different now, he was different now and he just wanted her to see that, wanted her to know that despite it all they could still salvage some kind of friendship, some kind of substantial place in each others lives. He loved her, that much would always be true but he knew that together they were sometimes too intense, and completely blind to how much of a bad influence they could be to each other. “I-I’m sorry, I..I am. I know I-”

“I don’t...want you to apologize, I just want you to..give me more time, okay? I just..I need more time,” she admitted, her expression softened just the slightest as she looked a him. Fuck, those beautiful eyes of him always got her. “I’ve..missed you, okay? That much I can admit but it’s..hard, seeing you, it’s hard just..adjusting. Maybe..maybe I’ll feel different at Christmas.” She didn’t want to give him too much hope but she also didn’t plan on punishing him forever, just until she felt like she wasn’t so angry and there was no telling when that would be. 

He took a deep breath and nodded, grabbing onto a little bit of hope, trying to see the positive in all of this. “I’ve missed you too,” he admitted, resting the urge to take a step closer to her. “I mean, it’s fucking crazy, i know and we’re so..old,” he joked, smiling as she let out a laugh and flipped him off. “I can give you all the time you need, I’ll be here, okay? I just..really want us to be okay.”

She nodded and reached for a napkin to wipe the glaze from the donut off her fingers. She looked at him for a second longer before taking a few steps towards him and wrapped him up in a hug before she could change her mind. She almost laugh at how he stiffened then wrapped his arms around her and she had to press her face into his chest to hide the way she had automatically started tearing up. She had love him for so long but beyond that he had been her best friend, the person she had wanted to tell everything to, the person who made her feel like she had a home whenever she wanted to run away from hers. And she had lost him, never quite able to bring herself to see him behind bars time and time again. Maybe that made her a terrible person but she was only doing what felt best. So she let him hold her, taking in his scent, the way his shoulders had broadened and his biceps had grown, the hair on his face tickling her forehead. For a moment she was 16 again, curled up in the back of his truck, trying to ignore the way her heart was beating as she looked up at him, affectionately calling him and idiot before she kissed him. The thought was a sobering one and she took a breath and pulled back, reaching a hand up to brush it across his cheek gently. “I like the beard,” she mumbled, before forcing herself to pull away, going back to the donut on the counter. “Happy Thanksgiving, Dev, I..I hope you and the kids have fun.”

Devon nodded, trying still to calm his breathing after she had been so close to him, after she had unearthed all the feelings of her had buried so deep down. He had been talking about the situation with her like it was casual, like he had fallen out of love with her ages ago. But five minutes with her and all of those feelings hit him like a wave and he felt like he was drowning slightly as he looked at her, conflicted with the original goal he had when he had come in there. But when she turned back around, he took a deep breath and stepped back, nodding as she spoke. “Happy Thanksgiving, Kal,”he replied, hesitating as he got to the door, waiting and hoping that she’d look back a him, but eventually realizing she wouldn’t. So he turned around and went for the door, his heart still racing as he went back to his car. 

Kalani waited to hear the door shut before she turned back around, having had to use all her will power to not stop him and make him stay longer, to not give into the impulses that had gotten her into this situation in the first place. He had promised her so many times that he would get better that she had to keep her distance, had to not drag herself back down into hoping. But despite al of that, despite knowing that she also wanted to make better choices, some of what he had said had gotten to her, stuck with her and she remembered her daughters face when she had asked her the night before about dinner. So she wiped off her hands and went back to her room, opened up her closet to find a good dress, a hot dress, something that would make Devon do a double take, despite her insistence to herself that she didn’t care whether he looked or not. But at least she’d be there and the look on her kids faces would be worth it all and at the very least, at least she’d get some free food.