#so Its hard to be accomodating to someone else when im also trying to manage my shit

[aloverpriedout]

I've encountered so many forms of sexism during my life and none have pissed me off quite as much as moving in with a guy friend and him fully treating me like I'm his mum. The pure fucking entitlement of rolling his eyes at me while playing video games when I went to remind him that this week it was his turn to clean the bathroom and he was already 2 days late made me feel so much anger I could power a small city. Him being mad that I didn't go to get his subway card with him to help him with his social anxiety when I told him several times I would not be able to plan around his schedule is my villain origin story. I will kill myself by drinking the carton of spoiled milk he left on the counter for a week even though I kept reminding him to throw it away.

[etherfabric]

Hey!I really resonate with the way you write your readings and would love a reading from you! I feel like theres a message I need to hear but feel like Im kind of blocked rn. I wanted to ask what is it that I need to let go of and what is the message I need to hear? Im also happy to pay! Thanks again! 💖

Also the link you posted in your pinned leads to the user creating their own post-- wanted to let you know!

(thank you so much for telling me about the faulty link, i deleted it)

Hey there! Really glad I managed to offer something that inspired you to approach me. According to the cards I pulled for you, this is my reading:

Knight of Pentacles rx, 9 of Swords, Ace of Cups rx

I get a feeling of you not noticing how hard you are on yourself. You kind of delude yourself about the way to go about healing in general - subconsciously, you still think it's your job to make the past hurts undone; to make yourself unscathed, like it never happened, and everything else would be a moral failure on your part. Especially laziness is something you don't want to be guilty of, so you push yourself to things that you wouldn't even consider aiming for if you truly knew what healing actually means.

Healing means making it possible for yourself to experience the exact opposite of the hurt you had to endure. The body, mind and soul already naturally strive for healing, you don't have to manually push them in that direction. Like when you cut your hand, the healing happens when you don't interfere, or you can even support the natural progression of things. If you ignore the cut, act like the cut isn't there, you will be more likely to make decisions that can sabotage the healing process. When you accept your cut, are conscious of it, don't fight its existence, you are much more likely to make supportive decisions.

The same applies to wounds of the soul and mind. We have to turn towards them, acknowledge them, make them part of our conscious self image, and that often means feeling the accompanying pain again. Like seeing the blood in the cut. It's scary, it's ugly, it's not what you would pick as a pleasant afternoon activity. But wounds need tending to, or it will fester. Being ashamed of a wound makes you hide it. But you can't heal what you hide from yourself.

What you try to accomplish with superficial action - and what makes you very impatient with the results, or lack thereof - could be actually achieved with learning about your own cycles and rhythms, and especially how to go with them instead of against them. Like when you encounter a period of fatigue, don't look for ways to erase the fatigue, look for ways to work with it. What tasks can be dropped? Who is pressuring you out of your body's signals? Why do you listen to them and not your body? In what small ways can you be on your side?

When you get angry, don't look for ways to surpress it and replace it with a "better" emotion, find out what you need to just let it be as much as possible. Do you feel unsafe to express it with certain people in your life? What do you make the anger mean morally?

Or anxiety. Stop giving yourself To Do lists that are written for someone without anxiety. You can't summon a second soul who never saw what you saw into your body. Be mindful of your anxiety. Plan with it, accomodate it, embrace it.

What makes you scared of letting yourself be as you actually are? What are the concrete horror scenarios? And what steps could you take to cushion yourself against them, so stepping into the scary parts of yourself feels a little less scary? Is it having a talk with someone? Looking for another job? Asking for help? Admitting something?

This is not a one and done event. It's a process. A dedication towards yourself. I don't make the rules, and as a person with heavy Capricorn placements and deep shame, I had to learn this against my will the very, very hard way of chronic illness; to actually listen to my body's natural rhythms instead of bruteforcing my scared-of-my-true-self-so-i'd-rather-try-to-be-this-character ideas through me. For most of my life, I was cursing my limitations, and obsessed over how to break free of them, instead of looking for a rhyme and reason within them.

There is one. A rather beautiful one, actually. You will learn there is a wisdom so ancient inside of you, that speaks a language older than words, that is connected to everything you see, and no one can ever take it away from you. Getting in touch with it is a process in itself, and it will have periods of silence where you can fall back on your other strategies (and actually tweak them with your new knowledge, so they become more authentic to your true essence) but it's very worth it, and it will return, and your intentions always matter and will yield results.

And then you can witness the miracle of your energy flowing naturally, ebb and flow, flux and reflux, without any force or violence, and neither highs nor lows can scare you into lack mindsets. Because you know where it all comes from, and that place is eternal. And all the parts of you that you ignored and bulldozed through all this time (no judgement, you were told that's the way to do it) will be on board and provide their energy as well. Which will be more than you ever had. But you need to give it time. This is the kind of process where every day will feel the same, you won't see any improvements, even regression (because you stopped using fear/adrenaline to get things done) but once you truly stepped out of your own way enough, nature will take over. Keep at it, know where those pushy mindsets come from that will pop up again and again (*cough* capitalism *cough*) and I promise it will be better than ever, in a dimension I couldn't possibly describe to someone who hasn't lived it themselves.

...whoo, that was quite a lot, and also heavy, but actually that's exactly the stuff that makes Tarot reading so worth it imo. I truly hope it was what you were looking for. And about payment, the offer is very generous and flattering, but I don't feel comfortable taking money for this. You could donate the amount you were willing to give to a charity of your own choice, whatever you resonate with. Or maybe give the amount to the person behind you at the grocery store to help with necessities. I am very blessed with having everything I need already, but times are tough for many right now.

Thank you so much for trusting me with this question, I hope you could get something out of it. I really enjoyed channeling this 🙏

[ariyadaivaris]

- christ i hate smug mma dudes more than anything on this earth. you're a man doing mma what do you have to be excited about? washing out of ufc and having to resort to a dying professional wrestling company? the systematic oppression of women? the paul brothers? i'm putting nails in your shoes

- the rare and coveted tshirt ariya. phwew he's really uh. he's very. twirls hair. he's kinda

- ariya using a rose metaphor for himself teehee i love being very smart and always right about everything

- "i guess you don't think tony can do it on his own aye" is soooooo so so far from anything that has ever happened between tony and ariya that it's LAUGHABLE. ariya deserves to laugh in his face. cringe and fail broadway-musical-rock-of-ages-male-lead-understudy looking little man. no i'm gonna argue with the kayfabe enemy actually the WHOLE THING up to this point has been ariya trying to prove himself and the subtle tension of tony becoming champion where ariya never has, the only the ONLY time ariya has ever not believed in tony is when he had a full on spiral breakdown towards the beginning of the year when they were questioning splitting them up again for some fucking reason and then it got retconned because DUHHHHHH why would you ever split tony and ariya up just for fun or a giggle when they;ve got the most complex relationship on 205 if you re*you walk away knowing all of this already because you have heard this every week for the last three years but you can still hear me talking in the distance, talking and talking though no one is there...*

- obsessed with this promo actually...ariya's mannerisms are so good he's SO...FUN. i LOVE watching him. he is so self-assured and so charming and there is so obviously so much frustration buried like, an INCH deep beneath all of it. it takes grey pushing him ONCE for him to lose his verve. im SO interested in this

- the thread here is, of course, "you think tony can't do it on his own?" which, as i've stated, is so far from true or what ariya thinks that it's comic. when ariya spits, "of COURSE tony nese can do it on his own", there are a lot of factors at play. when he concedes that maybe instead of going out there, he WILL stay backstage, there's a lot going on there!!! there IS!!! *voice of an unwell person* there IS a lot going on   - tony doesn't need to prove he can do it on his own, because he already has. ariya's storyline...like i mentioned, he had a weird moment at the beginning of the year, when it seemed like maybe he and tony were going to be split up. that was very much a moment of "okay the writing might change so it's time to set something up" of course but i think it's interesting to think about as a character impulse.   ariya is working to prove he can do things on his own. this has BEEN his thing. he and tony are a team again, but ariya's tried to win with other teams and he's tried to win alone, and though he's successful more often than 205 would have you believe, he's still very shaky. tony has been allowed to work outside of the orbit of other people, and ariya hasn't gotten that chance as much. and, besides that, tony doesn't CARE about it in the same way ariya does. tony...when he gets intense, it's about interpersonal stuff. drew, buddy, cedric, akira, swerve. tony competes with people! ariya competes with himself. does that make sense. i know what i mean. its fine   ariya...is on edge. he likes tony and he likes working with tony, but he hasn't been a competitor like tony is. tony's been very accomodating, stepping back or supporting ariya's feuds and allowing him to do What He Needs To Do, which means ariya can try to work alone without going completely rogue and sabotaging shit. when he tried to cut himself off from tony, it was...well it was retconned. but. that's what he's done before and this time it didn't work because ONE it's just tony and ariya, there's no exacerbating force, and TWO, tony and ariya are, after all, friends. tony wants to be friends with ariya and it is hard work to be friends with ariya but he will do it. so they work it out. and ariya is left feeling very very weird about it, and very very aware of how much he kind of depends on tony, when tony doesn't depend on him, at all. ariya tries to protect tony and gas him up and keep an eye on him to make up for All That He's Done Before and to feel like this friendship is two-sided (which it is, of course, friendship is more than a strategic advantage but that's how ariya's always approached it and it's a hard habit to break), but he doesn't have the wins to back up the feeling of being Worth It as a friend.   it's...i feel like i just sound out of my gourd saying all of this lol and i am. but when ariya bitterly says, "of course tony nese can do it on his own." it's not just the anger at grey being a dickhead towards tony. it's also ariya being painfully aware that tony can do it without ariya's help. there's a threat in that statement, that question that doesn't need to be asked. there's an irony to it. its...think about it this way: if tony was talking to grey about watching ariya's match, grey wouldn't snark about if tony thought ariya could do it. you know?

- that doesnt make sense. whatever <3 im free

- wow love seeing kushida defending the title. imagine if that happened.....on.......205 live

- ariya literally getting successfully talked out of watching tony's match because he wants to show he believes in tony :( i'm hurt...i'm so hurt. so fucked up and twisted. by GREY too, ariya has kind of a BIT with grey huh. him cheating to pin ariya and then going noooo cheating is wrong against all other opponents. the way grey is super hypocritical and shitty to him and then to no one else. ariya almost respecting him for what ariya understands as Someone Who Gets It and then revealing oh no i just really don't like you and want to piss you off. this one dude who keeps targetting ariya specifically in all the ways that most drive ariya into a frenzy and he managed to hit him where it hurts the most enough to drive him into hiding. oughhhh aughhhh   - everyone on 205 being a hater for no reason and seeing ariya trying to deal with his Issues(TM): hm. i can make him worse

- SUNFLOWER JACKET!!!!!!!! SUNFLOWER JIRO. PRECIOUS AND BELOVED. KING AMONG ALL CRUISERWEIGHTS. I DONT KNOW WHO ARIYA IS

- the exaggerated "BOO!""YAY!" cheers for jiro. who am i to say he doesn't deserve them. he DOES. we LOVE jiro. jiro is allowed to homewreck gold standard if he wants to i'll pretend not to see

- UNBREAKABLE!! AUGHHH HE'S SO COOL AND FUN AND HIS MIND IS SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL. jiro has such a fucking bonkers sense of like...dragging a move out. that man can MAKE a sequence! he gets the upper hand and he holds onto it for ages and the entire time its never dull. always with the momentum! always with the visualization of everything around him and how to make it into a show. i just simply think that jiro kuroshio

- HE'S DYINGGGGGGG NOOOOOOOO JIRO. TONY NESE YOU'RE A DEAD MAN. he looks great at this angle though love you weirdo. oh NO your jacket is NOT cool enough to pull this off fkshsdskd  - jiro injecting some MUCH needed humor back into 205 thank you so much

- tony's stupid joth uniform next to jiro's sunflower pattern is SO good. fuckin goth v prep diagram dynamic. creamsicle blogging moments

- OH I LOVE A GOOD PIN. we LOVE a good pin don't we. that kick to tony on the apron ROCKS

- clearly you don't own an air fryer...

- OH HIS FORM IS FUCKING UNREAL. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!! JIRO KUROSHIO BABEY

- i REALLY like this match. this is 205 to me

- IS THAT A 205 CHANT??? IS THAT A 205 CHANT I HEAR??? OH????? WORM????? ITS BEEN LIFETIMES....................

- ooohohohoohohHOOO tony's recovery from the moonsault. that was. dare i say. Epic

- JIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

- jiro treating mister nese like a little football. sorry anthony. perhaps you should just be cooler <3

- THAT WAS SO FUN......what a meaty episode this week. harkens back to 205 of old.............i love it. im loving this energy. jiro kuroshio you are going to save 205 i believe it

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[one-abuse-survivor]

Ive been arguing with my sister a lot more lately. We're knee deep in a 'social services takeover' and we both have a lot of trauma responses, triggers and just anything i guess when it comes to having to live with abuse for over a decade. Im trying my best to be accomodating with her, not retaliating, accepting her apologies, talking it out afterwards, but its so hard. So so hard. Im the oldest so i feel its my job to do that, but im struggling so much. When we're mid argument, i overthink everything im going to say so its not an insult, a repeat of what our parents say, anything toxic, or even just something id regret later. I dont know where the line is but i know its wrong to feel pure anger towards her and want to just scream in her face and just hurt her. Her words hurt me so much. She says she cares but definitely doesnt show it. I have to listen to every single rant of hers, good or bad, or else im a horrible sister. Yet i have to keep my intrests to myself cos it hurts when she doesnt even show the slightest bit of excitment for me. Just a monotone "yeah cool". I know shes going through a lot and its hard for her emotion wise, i really do, ive been where she is, but i just feel like our relationship is toxic and very onesided. I dont even know if its meant to be like that or not, between siblings. Ive heard that the oldest has to be there no matter what, and im really trying, but i dont want to anymore. I just want her to realise what im going through and at least help me a little. But idk if thats wrong to say/expect of her.

A side note, im halfway to being diagnosed with autism so its making me realise more that im misinterpreting things and taking them literal, etc. But, could i get some advice? Ik i need therapy, its a whole mess in my head lol, but do you know of any half-solutions i can try before i can get the professional help?

Apologies that its so long, btw - 🦕

It sounds really hard to manage a relationship with a sibling when both of you are going through so much trauma at the same time, nonnie, so first and foremost, I hope you’re being as patient with yourself as possible when you mess up with your sister. It’s really good that you’re trying to avoid replicating your abusers’ behaviour and that you’re accomodating her boundaries and putting communication between you first, because those are the bases for a healthy relationship of any kind, but it’s also okay if you mess up. You might be the older sister, but you’re not her parent, and no one should expect you to be emotionally mature enough to never mess up, or to constantly prioritise your sister over your own well-being and boundaries. Especially if your relationship with her right now feels one-sided and she’s not extending the same level of effort that you are. 

It’s understandable that she’s more self-centered than you are if she’s younger, but you’re allowed to not be your best self as well, what with everything you’re going through. You’re allowed to be self-centered too, nonnie. If you’re teens, you’re in the age for immaturity and selfishness. And it’s okay to be exhausted and irritable and full of anger when you’re actively going through trauma and abuse. It’s not fair for you to expect yourself to be perfect and never mess up ❤

I honestly don’t think oldest siblings should “be there no matter what” for their younger siblings. Just because your parents happened to have other kids after you, it doesn’t mean you suddenly have a “job” to take care of your younger siblings. Unlike them, you never actively chose to be responsible for another human being. And just because your parents are abusive and aren’t there for you or your sister the way they should be, it doesn’t mean you should automatically be able and willing to substitute them and prioritise your sister over yourself the way a parent would. The fact your parents aren’t there for your sister doesn’t change the fact that you deserve to be taken care of just as much as your sister. You didn’t choose to be there unconditionally for anyone. They chose that the moment they decided to become parents. And they failed both of you. So, no, you’re not a horrible sister for not acting as a parent for her: they’re horrible parents to both of you for putting you in this situation in the first place.

I think it’s a good idea to seek therapy when you can, but in the meantime, I think it could help to try to be as patient and understanding with yourself as you are with your sister. If you’re not feeling up to being there for her, it’s okay to establish boundaries and put yourself first. It’s okay to say “I can’t listen to you right now” and have that respected. It’s okay to express your needs to her, and be open about how she makes you feel. It’s okay to acknowledge that she’s being unfair by expecting you to always listen to her no matter what. It’s okay to get mad at her sometimes. You’re clearly doing your best to not be toxic to her, and that’s really good, but you also don’t have to sacrifice your own well-being and brush aside your boundaries and trauma for her. You’re a victim of childhood abuse alongside your sister, not a replacement parent for her. Your job is to save and protect and prioritise yourself, not her.

And, please, be kind with yourself when you feel rage toward her, nonnie. No emotion is inherently bad or wrong, and it’s very common to feel this kind of anger toward others when you have unresolved trauma from abuse. I answered an ask with advice on how to handle trauma related anger, which you can read here.

I also answered an ask a while ago from an anon who was left to parent their younger sibling as well and felt guilt about doing a bad job. You can find it here if you want to read the experiences of someone who went through something similar to you. 

Sending a virtual hug, nonnie ❤