#so I’m just living in a painful incapacitated limbo

[taibhsearachd]

Parts of the foot that’s injured are now weirdly numb/tingly? I’m sure this is fine. Just probably some minor nerve damage in my foot, no biggie. I stopped wearing my ankle brace today in hopes that would help, but I’m not sure it has.

I genuinely don’t know whether I should put it back on to stabilize the foot/ankle again (it does seem to help to a degree) or keep it off because maybe the brace is the reason for the numb tingly shit (because of the way the brace secures it does put pressure on that part of my foot but like… not in a way that seems like it’d damage anything? But idk). I feel so unstable walking around without it though. Also it hurts.

[thebiasrekkers]

Edge of Forever [BTS Space!AU}

BTS Space!AU [ ♧   ✪ ✿ ☆ ❂ ☾✘ ]  “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players:  they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays  many parts, his acts being seven ages.” The stage is set and the  stars are the guide for the lost souls that have congregated to one  point. A fixed constant in the universe for others to discover and  fulfill their wishes but will it come to ruin for others?

Pairings: BTS X OC (s) Genre: BTS Space!AU Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language

AO3

AN: I’m  so glad you all like this series! Graphics and all! There’s more to  come so please be patient! Please give all of the works here love and  feel free to message us!

Chapter 17- The Ghost Woman and the Hunter

Calling on your sins You're here in my dreams A desert place I'm not alone

Jin was on his last nerve. His absolute last one and it was all because they just had to go back towards the creepy caves where ancient people used to live and possibly use sticks as their form of technology. The doctor’s house was out in the middle of nowhere and quite near the ruins of a former city that the locals quite literally called Hell. He would rather deal with the pirates and the dangerous vacuum of space than have the possibility of demons or some sort of apparition possess him out under a rock.

However, they had no choice in the matter since Nyala was getting patched up by him. Yoongi had a few slashes, being treated for exhaustion and other things while Namjoon was helping Jimin with his parts. It surprised him greatly when he saw the scene upon their arrival to help, trying to figure out which was more shocking: the fact that Yoongi had 9 guys incapacitated or that Jimin had tore through the rest of them. He supposed that after being alone like that for so long, in their line of business--one had to adapt or die.

The same could be said of the rest of them.

He was no warrior himself but he did have a few tricks up his sleeve, as did Yoongi and Jimin. Though, the same tricks didn’t work out quite as well for Nyala. He looked down at her form, still not assured that she was fine. The doctor, who’s name was Hoseok, had gone over and over again with him that she truly was fine now. He’d believe it when she opened her eyes and walked around a few paces. The doctor was quite a quirky one, almost like Jimin--except louder.

But at least he appreciated the kind way he moved around the others. Jin noticed things that the others couldn’t quite see, mainly the little things like he would always stand to Vairuit’s left because he had a louder voice than the others because she tended to swing with her right hand when startled. Jimin would stare off into space when he was tired or hungry, blinking several times in a row when thinking about it. Now he noticed that the doctor always gestured wide and sidestepped everyone as he let them into his space.

Big gestures, keeping everything open while he talked. That was something that he noticed but the main thing he noticed was that he and Namjoon were alike. When they were focused on something, their entire attention was on it but outside of that--they were bumbling fools.

Already they’d had to banish Namjoon from the house to keep him from destroying everything. He’d dropped things on everyone’s feet and nearly stabbed himself with something of the doctor’s. Jin was just used to looking after Jungkook and his curious hands, now inherited a whole bundle of others in the process. To him, however, it seemed right that he did. Still, regardless of who he inherited--, there was one thing that needed to be done and it couldn’t be done without the man of the other hour. Some of them soon migrated outside to join the Engineer, finding him over towards the edge of the land as he stared at the ruins.

“You think that we were drawn here for a reason? Back to these ruins since we just came from this way?”

The question was posed by Namjoon when he turned to meet the ones that came out from the house. He was barely a philosopher but the thought struck him when he was stuck outside, to admire the beautiful--if not creepy-- view of the area. There was a pregnant pause, one that seemed to stretch out as Yoongi, Jin and Jungkook all took a good look at what he was talking about. The edges of the ruin poked out from the caves, almost inviting them in but Jin was more concerned about other things than the caves of death.

“Yeah, we came to get a doctor. Which... Jimin, Vairuit and Jungkook are going to stay here with Nyala while we go up to the ship to get our girl up and running.”

Namjoon took one last look towards the ruins and shrugged, giving into Jin’s words as he now had something to do besides ponder on what lay ahead of him.

“This is a pretty nice piece of technology. The way that they integrated the biological aspects into this android is almost...unnerving.” Hoseok commented as he reviewed the data with Namjoon. “I can see why you would need me, she needs just as much care as a doctor as she does mechanically. We are going to have to resuscitate her first before you put in the other components, to make sure her body can handle it in the first place.”

Jin and Yoongi watched the pair work, the countdown for resuscitation finally starting. The four of them grew increasingly nervous as the seconds passed, Yoongi having to put a hand on Jin’s shoulder to keep him from pacing. The lights on the now extended cylinders were flashing at an even slower speed as the robotic voice counted down the seconds. Once they reached the 20-second mark, they dulled until it hit zero. They all stepped back and watched as a flash of light came from them, sending a shock to the body that was curled up there. It shocked several times and each time, the body twitched as the nerves came alive. They could see it on the hologram of her anatomy, things lighting up where they were previously gray. The last shock lasted longer than the others as it forced the programming to react, slowly standing her up.

Her eyes weren’t fully open and alive yet but she was up, her muscles getting used to the gravity.

Path Project Command Input: What seest thou else in the dark backward and abyss of time?

Her head shot up, registering the words that were said and her eyes opened wider as they showed the dull green that still didn’t look alive to the others. She took a breath, shaky but deep as she moved her mouth like she was speaking another language silently. The robotic voice paused before continuing.

State your designation and operate.

“I am LRL0723. Designation: Lirael. Operation in progress.”

With that, the android’s eyes finally shone with the correct light as she registered everything and everyone there. Before she could speak another word, she wobbled on her feet as everything started to sink in for her. Jin reached over and grabbed a blanket to wrap her up in as Yoongi stared, open-mouthed at what happened. Namjoon just barely caught her while it took a moment for Hoseok to come to his senses. Jin wrapped her up as best as he could before he noticed that there was something wrong with her. Tears leaked out of her eyes as the pain caught up to her in that form, no longer in a state of limbo. It was difficult for her to walk due to the damage to her legs and parts of her chest, her whimpers piercing the silence that had settled in the room.

“Why does it hurt?”

She cried that sentence over and over again as the tears flowed freely down her cheeks. Hoseok finally had to sedate her to keep her from the pain, hoping that it would help long enough for them to fix her. Her crying settled down as she relaxed, the drug reaching into all of her systems. Namjoon picked her up and placed her on one of the hospital beds in the infirmary, a place they had temporarily set up in when they activated her. All of them looked at each other before getting back to work, all of them having to act fast before the sedative wore off.

The path before you is one walked before.

The path before you is one betrayed for.

The path before you is one of good intentions.

The path before you is Heaven and Hell.

A golden path, one her feet joyously walked. There were others that were on the same path but they all came from different directions. All of them merged ahead of them and spiraled up, up into the abyss. There were different points along that path that glowed like stars, each of them having their own energy and called out to them with different voices. Yet, somehow the voices all sounded familiar--as if they were all different tones of the same one. There was one voice, so close yet just out of reach.

It was as if the answer was right there in front of everyone but nobody could speak it yet. She opened her mouth to answer the question posed to her but the feeling of cold water seemed to splash across her body. Waves against her feet, she turned around and saw her home planet with the others waving at her. Nyala thought to go back to them but the voice repeated its question.

“What doest thou seek?”

Nyala woke up from the dream with a gasp, the voice still ringing in her mind. It was like someone had spoken the question right in her ear, someone that just woke up and reached out to her. Jimin sprang up from his perch and placed his hands on her shoulders, gently pushing her back down onto the mattress. His warm eyes bored into hers, reassuring her that she was safe and sound as the memories came back to her. The attack, why she had originally left in the first place and why they were even there.

She opened her mouth to ask the questions but he silenced her with a finger, a slight smile curling on his lips. Vairuit was snoring in the corner, nothing even bothering her as Jungkook looked on. He kept a tight watch on his surroundings but if the Mao wasn’t bothered, then there wasn’t anything to be worried about.

“Nyala, everything is fine. We found a doctor and they’re up in the ship now to do what it was they were going to do. I need you to rest, which is also the doctor's orders.” He touched her face again but this time he used his abilities to tranquilize her again. If she could, she would have smacked him for doing such a thing again but as the room got hazy--she felt a set of lips on her knuckles, warmth spreading from the area and into her hand. It was a nice feeling and one that she held onto dearly as she fell into a grateful and peaceful sleep.

[engagemachine]

Been wanting to write this post for a while now, just haven’t the energy to do it. 

These past couple of months have taken their toll on me in regards to my workload at my job. The manager of my unit who hired me (who, afterwards, ended up becoming a very close friend of mine, someone I look up to as a second mom) ended up stepping down few months ago, and since that time, many other staff have left with her/have relocated elsewhere, which has taken a massive toll on our staffing. Most of us are picking up extra shifts, working overtime, doing everything we can to make ends meet and help each other out. Nightshift has been hit the hardest, but we feel it everywhere, in all departments. In fact, I think the whole hospital is undergoing some major upheavals. I know of several other units that struggle with staffing as well. We’re all tired, overworked, and the patients getting admitted to our unit just seem to be getting progressively worse/harder to deal with, or perhaps that’s just my patience that’s become worn so thin. 

I love what I do. I really, really do. In fact, when I first took this job, it’s mostly because I thought I had to--most nurses start off working in a medical/surgical unit because you learn and see so much. It’s kind of expected that medsurg is where you start when you’re fresh out of nursing school. But as the weeks wore on, I realized that I loved the floor, the ability to plan out my day, getting to spend a full twelve hours with my patients and their families and having the time to really bond with them in a way that is so impactful and sometimes even life changing. Medical/surgical nursing can a great foundation/stepping stone, if that’s how you choose to use it. You get to do a little bit of everything and feel around for what you really like--what you want to specialize in--whether that’s emergency room nursing, burn/wound nursing, critical care/ICU nursing, dialysis, pediatrics, cardiopulmonary, oncology, the list goes on and on. I have learned so much in so many specialized fields--it feels great to know a little bit about everything. I love educating my patients in that regard, answering questions, etc. 

Bedside nursing, though, has absolutely taken its toll on me, as I am about to broach my second year of nursing. My preceptor and I had a conversation a few months back, where she said she doesn’t know how nurses are able to do bedside nursing for more than two years--and given the unit we work on, how high stress it is, that statement makes a lot of sense and has really resonated with me. One of my coworkers who I became good friends with left our unit a few months ago, now working outside of the hospital entirely, and we had a conversation that was very enlightening to me and filled me with such relief, knowing that someone was struggling in the exact same ways I was. We talked about how we feared we were starting to lose our compassion, how worn down we felt, running ourselves ragged, always going above and beyond to meet the needs of our patients, finishing up the extra work the previous shift was too lazy to do, fixing mistakes, really taking the time to be with our patients and get to know them, to care for them, console them, make them comfortable, put them at ease, answer their questions, control their pain, assist them with bathing and eating and ambulating and making sure they got home safely and had the support system/supplies they need in able to function properly at home. Really advocating for them even if meant butting heads with physicians or case management or other members of the interdisciplinary team. 

This work is exhausting. Whether you’re working three days a week or four or even five, it is mentally and physically excruciating at times, and I’ve felt it more now than I ever did before. I’m used to the twelve/thirteen hour shifts now, and thankfully when you’re busy, the day tends to move fast, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I feel so worn down all the time. When I’m home, it’s hard to truly unwind and enjoy myself, either because I’m too tired to do the things I enjoy, or because I am preemptively stressing about the coming work week. I’ve attempted hobbies that distract from the stress I feel at work, stuff I’ve used in the past to help decompress and relax, but lately I’ve been too tired to fully commit/engage in them. I have these little spurts of manic energy now and then, where I feel almost high, I’m so happy, but I never know how long they’re going to last or when they’ll come. It frustrates me that I can’t be more in control of my emotions, get a better handle on things. 

I feel like friends I used to lean on don’t really understand, and there’s a certain exhaustion in talking about work and trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t know what it’s like, and for some reason that’s stressful, too. In some ways I feel like I’m back where I was when I was going through nursing school, where nobody understood and friendships just kind of began to slip through the cracks of my fingers, and I didn’t really notice the absence until I had closed my fists and felt they were no longer there. It’s scary and a little frightening. I don’t want that to happen again, even if I have made peace with the friends that slipped away as I was navigating through school. 

I know that a certain level of stress can and should be anticipated in any job. Mine’s not special. But the constant weight of holding another human being’s life in my hands--while simultaneously jugging four or five others, all the at the same time--has started to become extremely taxing, especially when, as stated before, it is coupled with our chronic low staffing, and the general acuity/higher demands of the patients who are typically admitted to our floor. 

So the question here suddenly becomes, what do I do? Where do I go from here? I don’t want to do bedside nursing for the rest of my life. Like I said, most nurses use unit this as a stepping stone for where they really want to go. Because of our staffing issues, we have several agency (travel) nurses on our floor currently, and I’ve been chatting with several of them about what it’s like to be a travel nurse, what to expect, and I’ve received a lot of tips about it. It sounds fascinating. I love to travel and I’m filled with such a sense of acute desperation/longing to explore more of the world. But travel nursing also terrifies me, the idea of picking up and relocating every thirteen weeks, all the paperwork, the stress of finding a new place, finding my way around a new town, new job orientations (holy hell, NEW JOB ORIENTATION EVERY THIRTEEN WEEKS!). Despite my love for seeing new places, I am such a homebody, I really enjoy being at home and relaxing and puttering around the house. I am comforted by my belongings, even though I try to make the effort to not become too attached to these worldly possessions. So you can imagine how the idea of relocating every thirteen weeks is slightly terrifying if not just downright stress inducing. 

Last year, my family sold my childhood home during what was an incredibly tense/stressful time for all of us. My parents did not want to sell our home, but due to a long and ongoing financial crisis, that was our only option. It was hard and devastating. I drove back home for the move to help my mom and dad sort through their possessions (as we’d been doing for the past four, five years) but there was still so much to go through. Long story short, I no longer have a “forever” home as my parent’s current housing situation is temporary. This makes me feel as though I am in limbo, that, if I did decide I was going to become a travel nurse, I would either have to sell the majority of my belongings and make due with the essentials that could fit in my car, or find some kind of storage facility where I’d dump all of my belongings and just not have them as I moved across the country every several months. A nomad existence excites me, but not having a home base to fall back on really scares me, too. Nothing in my life feels grounded anymore. I didn’t realize what a safe haven my home was until it was gone. So strange to think of another family inhabiting that space now, some child living in my bedroom, opening my closet doors, looking out my windows. Some mother that isn’t mine cooking in our kitchen, using our stove, putting meals on our counter. 

When I was little I imagined we would always have that house, that when I was older and married, I’d come home for Christmas and show my spouse all the secret places where I used to hide things, the creek where I used to play in the woods, that spot in my closet where I used to curl up and close the doors when I wanted to be alone and cry, or that one door where my best friend and I used to mark our heights over a period of six years, how you could see that one spring where I shot up and suddenly towered over her even though she was two years older. All these sacred spaces now suddenly possessed by someone else. 

I guess I just really feel at a crossroads. I know what I need to do, I know work is killing me, my spirit, my drive, I know I need to get away, but I’m scared and anxious about what my next steps should be. I have an ultimate end goal in mind, but I’m not sure what roads to take to get there--or if I am even ready for it at this time. 

I feel like I function at half capacity on my off days. I am on at work, I have to be, for my patients, but when I’ve clocked out, when I’m home, it’s like my body just shuts down, all my energy, my drive, it just turns off. I’m incapacitated suddenly. 

The solution probably seems simple--apply for another job!--and I did, a few months ago. It’s the first job I’ve applied for where I just haven’t heard anything back from the employer--no “yes”, no “no”, not even a date for an interview--even despite my several attempts at follow-through and my persistence in getting my resume looked over by HR. 

One thing I do know for certain is that I don’t want to work in a hospital again (the bureaucracy of it all, and all the patient satisfaction survey bullshit is enough to make you lose your mind) and I don’t want to be relegated to a doctor’s office where I’m sitting on my ass all day or handing tissues to toddlers who haven’t learned yet how to blow their own nose. So this severely limits my options. 

So many uncertainties in my life. I don’t know whether to dive head first into the unknown, or continue to tread cautiously and wait for change. In my heart I know that something more proactive must be done, but I’m caught in a rut and I feel like I don’t even have the energy to get out. 

[clairekatswritingcorner]

Invisible Tears

Word Count: 1,301

Summary: Jack loves Alexys, but he also knows that being with him isn’t necessarily what’s best for her. Despite that, he can’t help wanting to keep her all to himself, no matter the cost.

*Author’s Note*: Second commission for @bad-blue-moon-rising! The prompt was for a jealous Jack, but this is a little less conventional jealousy than I usually write, with an extra layer of angst thrown in. I also incorporated some bits of a headcanon she shared with me a while ago that I thought fit perfectly with the scenario! I hope you enjoy!

Jack loved Alexys, and Alexys loved Jack. It was a consensus they’d come to early in their relationship, and things had been going swimmingly ever since. Better than swimmingly, really, because there was nothing the two enjoyed more than just getting to be with one another. Subtle hand holds and soft kisses on the cheek, tight hugs when they cuddled or held each other when they cried, comforting arms that they both knew they could retreat to no matter how bad things got. Jack arguably had less trouble to deal with than Alexys, but she never treated any of his worries like they were trivial; he certainly never did that when it came to any of hers.

But their individual problems were undeniably worlds apart from each other. Because Jack was dead, and Alexys was alive, and they both had vastly different experiences as a result. Most of Jack’s issues were internal, and constant, hard to ignore and hard to get rid of all together. He was alone with his thoughts so often, it wasn’t hard for a passing through to infect his mind and root itself deep within, determined to torment him for as long as it remained among his other often cluttered and incongruous thoughts.

Alexys struggled with similar internal turmoil, but with an added share of the external. From day to day inconveniences to unpleasant people to plans just going awry, sometimes it was all too much for her. That was part of why she loved Jack so much—he was her solace, and made her feel more at peace than she’d ever felt before. It was a feeling she couldn’t achieve on her own, and she was grateful to him that he’d enabled her to feel it at all. But sometimes she was stuck in a situation, or with a person, and when she finally made it back to the safety of Jack’s arms all she could do was break down. He was always there to catch her; he’d never let her fall, not over his…well, dead body, lingering soul.

Aside from their individual struggles, there was an extra burden that Jack bore when it came to the differences between his undead existence and Alexys’s living one. He was lucky that she could see him, and touch him, and hear him, because he knew about some specters that were trapped in this limbo with no way to interact with the world at all. The terror of that possibility made him shudder every time he thought about it—and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d experienced a real chill. So, it could be worse for him, but of course, being alive really would have been the best.

Alexys was a living, breathing, developing being. She still had so much life left to experience, while his was dead and gone. He’d gotten in the habit of thinking about things in a normal way again, because Alexys made things normal for him, but he was naïve to think that things could ever truly be that way for them. Because he would always be holding her back. Because he was literally a dead weight on her.

Every time he saw her with her friends, he felt the same hollow pain burrow into his chest. Every time he saw her interacting with someone she might be able to have a nice future with, he felt that same burning, devouring ache consume him. He loved her so much, with his entire being or at least what was left of it, and he didn’t want to let her go. He didn’t want to admit that he might have too…no, that he did have to. But what was the right time, and how should he do it, and just…it was all too much.

His dilemma came up again after he’d seen her talking to another handsome stranger. Someone her friends had introduced her to, that he’d only ever seen her spend time with in a group. That gave him a little peace of mind, but the moment he realized he was thinking like that he just got mad at himself. Who was he to police who she hung out with, and why? It wasn’t even that he wanted to treat her like that, it was just…so painful for him to see the evidence that she shouldn’t be with him…that she didn’t need to be.

“You’ve been so quiet today.” It was a simple observation, but it meant a lot to Alexys, because her boyfriend was rarely so forlorn and withdrawn. It unsettled her to see the irrefutable sadness in his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m just tired I guess.”

But you told me you don’t get tired. Alexys thought, taking his hand and bringing him to a stop. He didn’t want to look at her, because he didn’t want to make himself or her upset; but he knew he was being unfair to her, too. He squeezed her hand and gave her forehead a gentle kiss, feeling the tightness in his chest that would have preceded tears if he could still shed them.

“I love you so much, Alexys,” the words started flowing before he could stop them, and he knew the dam was broken, and they were just going to keep coming now. “And I don’t want you to throw your life away. As much as I love you, and as much as I don’t want you to go…I know you should. But…I really don’t want you to. I want to fight off anyone that tries to get close to you, at least in a romantic sense. I want to keep holding you when you’re sad and laughing with you when you’re happy, I just…I just wish I was alive…”

Alexys was taken aback, but she knew she couldn’t let the true impact of his words incapacitate her just yet. Instead, she locked her arms around his torso, buried her face in his chest; she could tell that he was looking decomposed again, that his emotions were being reflected in his appearance. But she didn’t care what he looked like, or whether or not he was alive or dead. She loved the person, the being he was now. She loved him for him, and she didn’t want things to be any other way. And she knew she couldn’t stand the thought of being without him, either.

“These new people you meet, that you talk to, that you can introduce to your friends and family. I’ll never be one of them…and I’ll never be enough good, or right for you. And even though I know all of that, I just…I can’t make myself let you go,” he continued to lament, and Alexys simply squeezed him tighter. “It makes me so angry and sad. It makes me feel helpless. But I also can’t stop myself from wanting to fight for you, anyway. From wanting to stay with you. I just wish I could have met you when I was alive.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” Alexys mumbled against his shirt, and Jack looked down at the top of her head. “I like things just the way they are, Jack. I like you just the way you are. You don’t have to be jealous of the living people around me, because there’s still only one you. Alive or dead, that’s the person I love…and I won’t let you go. You have me now, and that’s the only thing that matters.”

If he could cry, tears would have been flowing from his eyes in buckets. Such kind, caring words. Full of love and devotion and acceptance…all things he thought he’d never be able to experience again. But he was still here because he needed Alexys, and she needed him…and that was a fact neither of them could deny.