#so I still finished everything in October which I am proud of even tho that is not required

[luna-loveboop]

Linktober day thirty one- free for all

Happy Linktober!! It has a Cucco and eggs, because I carved eggs for the majority of this challenge. The circle has the names of all the Lu boys (and the chain has nine links)

:)

[mistlekissy]

2020

thank u @sophism for tagging me 💓 what a better way to end this awful year than relive it am i right 🤪

rules: answer the questions about 2020 and tag some people to pass it on!

5 favorite films you watched in 2020:

parasite

tenet

the greatest showman 

the half of it 

portrait of a lady on fire

5 favorite tv shows you watched in 2020:

the witcher

derry girls

sex ed

idk if that counts but cheer was so good

fleabag

5 favorite songs you listened to in 2020:

no judgement - niall horan 

levitating - dua lipa 

if the world was ending - julia michaels, her bf 

always you - louis tomlinson

golden - harry styles 

Top 5 albums of 2020:

four (deluxe) - one direction

heartbreak weather - niall horan

fine line - harry styles (come on it counts) 

future nostalgia - dua lipa 

(s)ex tapes (it counts even tho it’s an ep) - fletcher 

Top 5 books you read in 2020:

i feel like i deadass only read 5 books this entire year and i can’t even rank them bc 3 of those were the hunger games series since i somehow started revisiting my childhood obsessions during quarantine and ordered all the books then 😭☝🏽 speaking of childhood obsessions, another book i read was midnight sun ofc 🤪 and lastly, never let me go - which i’m very proud of personally bc it’s been sitting in my book shelve for 4 years and i never managed to read past the first 100 pages, god bless

How did you spend your birthday this year?

had dinner with the family, then we drove downtown to look at the christmas lights, came back and had cake + watched a movie 😌

What was your most memorable day this year?

gotta be the blm protest in hamburg! i loved that so many ppl (i think it ended up being around 15-20k ppl) came together, even tho it was basically canceled by the police, and it really left me proud and empowered ✊🏽

What was your most memorable meal you had this year?

i made gigi hadid’s pasta recipe for my sister and it’s mostly just memorable bc i never actually cooked for someone that isn’t me 

Did you find any new hobbies or interests in quarantine?

besides baking banana bread, having quiz nights on zoom, and taking walks literally every day - not really ✌🏽

What was the last big event/thing you remember doing BC (before covid)?

going to the jonas brother concert in london with @hunrising - a show that was supposed to be the first one of many this year but sometimes life throws u a pandemic and u just have to deal with it! also driving to sweden for a few days and coming back the very day before denmark closed its borders and everything started to go downhill 🤪

5 good/positive things that happened to you in 2020:

i think the most positive aspect of 2020 was that despite everything it was very didactic: i learned and grew sm and i tried to apply it as best as i could 

i made my first blood donation this year which felt great!!! 

i tried to make the most out of october and went to two (2) pumpkin patches which was lovely 

i got less anxious checking my emails which i believe is a HUGE win bc online classes would’ve been a lot harder if i just ignored my inbox for months

i’ve been very grateful to be safe and healthy this year and that my loved ones were close by. i know how good i have it and it’s def been a year that reminded me of that in so many ways 🙏🏽

Biggest messages or lessons learnt from this year?

use ur privilege and make ur voice be heard to stand up for what is right 

don’t take anything for granted and appreciate everything u have while giving back 

being depressed on campus > being depressed in the zoom meetings 

And what are you most looking forward to in 2021?

apart from starting and hopefully finishing my bachelor’s thesis (and consequently finishing uni for now) i don’t have that much on my agenda for 2021 since i’m still trying to recover from the canceled 2020 plans, so to quote a true legend: “You know what kind of plan never fails? No plan. No plan at all. You know why? Because life cannot be planned. [...] You can't go wrong with no plans. We don't need to make a plan for anything. It doesn't matter what will happen next.” 

i’m gonna tag @hunrising @honeydxp @newangelmp3 @mullingar @imsogoldeen @merrystylans @harrydykwya if ur up for it, happy new year 😌❣️

[clairelutra]

a fic year in review

meme stolen from @isadorator! ty as always~

this was the year i did get your words out. i signed up to write 150k words of anything over the course of the year, ~400 words/day, ~12k words/month.

i didn’t manage to make that w/c in half the time like i wanted, but i did get it by october, which, like? still bamf :D and 200k for the whole year! only 133k of which was published, but still!!

January

sun protection (shuann, oneshot)

the month of motivation!! and 0 results because i was hitting peak anxiety re: my writing, what i was allowed to write, etc etc etc. i got better but it wasn’t in january, that’s for sure lol.

February

child’s play (gen, abandoned)

taste testing (shuann, oneshot)

we’re here to steal your bride (gen, abandoned)

attempting to find a rhythm that worked and not quiiiite finding it, sort of floundering through it all—i hadn’t really dragged anyone in with me yet and i was suuuuuffering.

i can’t remember precisely, but i think this was when i decided to declare a hiatus. no posting for me for a while to get the long-running panic attack under control.

March

the one and only month i managed to really and truly stick to the hiatus thing. also the month(?) that @sixsaltysweets jumped in after me, and fandom things with a friend made everything better. ♥♥♥

April

dirty money (shuann, pwp)

absolute territory (shuann, pwp)

aka the month i kind of lost patience and started posting again, just to arcanawildcard instead of anything to do with clairelutra, because crippling anxiety is a biiiiitch.

also the month i started lovers confidant: world famous model (aka, the babysitter au).

May

may, the month of continuing to wrangle with the babysitter au, which is my pride and joy and magnum opus.

June

Lovers Confidant: World Famous Model (shuann, complete multichapter)

the month of finishing babysitter au! my precious... my preeeeecious....

legit tho, this was a huge confidence booster. two hellish months of Work and this fic was my bouldy through it all. i’m still ridiculously proud of it—on a technical level it’s some of the best work i’ve ever done.

hilariously, i was stalking fail_fandomanon on DW and decided to jump in on one of the fic exchanges there, and someone?? took offense to the way i worded my signup?? and left me a fic comment purely to tell me to change it because the only contact information i had up was my ao3, which. dude. dude.

July

candyman (good clean fun) (akira/everyone, drabble collection)

ash blonde (ffxv ignoct, oneshot)

assisted negotiations (ffxv noctis/everyone; aranoct; noctis&prompto, oneshot)

the month i started lockdown infiltration, brushed off a few old projects, punch-boxed my sense of shame, and did my exchange piece.

originally i was planning to write something in response to the ffa wank, but it proved to be too high a hurdle for me, and i gave up.

August

the night belongs to... (ffxv lunoct, pwp)

detangler (my girlfriend is a t-rex yuuma/churio, oneshot)

simple aims (shuann, oneshot)

picked up a pinch hit for an exchange, did a request, finished up a prompt from the ffxv kink meme... not in that order lol.

most of what i was writing was, again, lockdown infiltration. dedication!! i was showing it!!

September

more lockdown infiltration, because by jove, i was going to finish this fic.

October

the perfect 10 (shuann, oneshot)

yep yep yep more lockdown infiltration. now with a soulmate au request to oil the brain hinges! the first soulmate au i’ve ever played totally straight, i think. twas much fun.

GOD THIS SHIP GIVES ME SO MANY FEELS.

November

lockdown infiltration (shuann, completed multichapter)

MY WORK. MY LOVE. MY BABY. C O M P L E T E. i think i hit stockholm syndrome with this fic at some point lol, by the end of it i was almost sad to see it go, no matter how much i loathed writing it at times.

i’m still not totally sold on its quality, but at the same time, i do see why it’s my most popular p5 fic. the concept and chemistry of the shady cop (akira) and noble thief (ann) was just... so good? LIKE. i get that joker is joker, but ann’s naturally trusting nature and akira’s eternal desire to stick it to the man gives them a very good reason to want to talk to each other, even without a plot to help them along.

THEY JUST HAVE AMAZING CHEMISTRY OKAY.

incidentally, around september was when i fiiiinally started to feel Good about my characterization of both of them and how they clicked as a couple and now i am lost to this ship f o r e v e r.

December

in turbidus veritas (shuann, oneshot)

boyfriend material (shuann, incomplete multichapter)

nice shirt. what’s it made of? (shuann, pwp—need to read boyfriend material first)

the bitter pill (shuann, oneshot)

so i started boyfriend material in november and put down like 16k for it in a couple of weeks before i completely crashed and struggled through the next few parts. 

the pwp spinoff was inspired by a comment on the original that just needed to be done justice and i have zero (0) regrets.

Total Year’s Output: 133,601! i didn’t quite manage to post all those 200k words, but 2/3rds ain’t bad.

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

y’know? i really don’t know. the whole beginning of the year is kinda... lost to the fog. i was still trying to figure out what was wrong with me and coming up with 326492387 reasons and trying to tackle each one as it came up and i was still loosing weeks on end to the apathetic sleep, so;;;

I’M BETTER NOW AND IT’S GREAT,

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January 2019?

i 100% never predicted that i would finish a multichapter. and now? i’ve finished two :D :D :D

What’s your favourite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest.

THAT is a good question. i’m absolutely most proud of Lovers Confidant: Wold Famous Model, but boyfriend material might be the only multichapter i’d go back and reread of my own volition. it’s a tossup.

(as for oneshots, i still really like absolute territory. first and best accomplishments in cunnilingus!)

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?

win gywo again (signups are open until january 15th, by the way!!)

finish boyfriend material (13 chapters to go (9′-’)9)

write through a velvet room attendant!ann alternate lovers confidant fic

write through a marichat-inspired alternate lovers confidant

find a good pace for requests.

leave and fill one prompt every month for the ffxv kink meme

publish 150k to ao3, regardless of when the fic was written (there’s one fic that i put down 17k for in like march looool. if i’d published that i’d have hit that number this year)

it’ll be a full (and hopefully fun) year :D

[kinsessiadove]

ALMOST REMINDS ME OF MY DRAWING !! but let me tell you a story why i love these two, and YES it is fudging cliché but i’m GREATFUL to them. i knew Jack since 2014 x) but i just stayed silent. not saying anything!

I still remember in 2015 , i lost my father, when i didn’t have time to say goodbye. my mind couldn’t follow what i was feeling, I was in so much pain, I suffered in silence, but still ...life didn’t really give me the time to mourn my father. My older sister had a cancer...i asked her : how long she had, i wanted to be there for her. BUT she told me, reassured me that, she should survive this fight, if i believed in her, EVERYTHING would be fine, i prayed in silence as i was suffering too. THEN i left my boyfriend/fiancé at the end of March 2016, because he wasn’t there FOR me even if he tried, but couldn’t stand beside me, after 5 years of relationship ! he couldn’t support me THAT time. SO i left him and never came back. I drugged myself to silence my pain. Nobody cared, because I was lying to them. I was fine for them. she fought, she won her fight but... everything went bananas because, her cancer came back more agressive AFTER 6-7 months. So a fog of sorrow enveloped me. I stopped believing that life was worth it ... October 19, 2016. She was gone...i went on “Survival Mode” i haven’t cried. it was to much. my empathy had enough.

2016-2017 : My fav series were born. Kindergarten...;u; When 2016 was ALMOST finish, i promised myself that i would NOT let anyone else know how i dealed with the mourning. i started watching Jack’s videos here and there(AGAIN), some of his videos kept my mind on the clear field and then i left my brother’s house to live with my best friend...she helped me a lot, since 2017 started with good “vibes” and i was clean....i wanted to do something huge and i was a heavy smoker of cigarettes. AT the end of May i quitted. i had my dark moments. oh boy...where i wanted to end my life just like that. but my will was fighting and it was pretty strong and always pushing further. a little voice always saying : YOU CAN DO IT...BELIEVE IN YOU. 2017 went fast and i thought i’m not doing well, what am i supposed to do now...i don’t remember my christmas 2017....cause i felt SO ALONE ! i thought oh fuck 2018 i’ll end myself once we hit it....and then i had this IDEA...oh Jack’s new video: the TITLE gave me chills ( MyThoughest Year On YT ) i was curious to know what he had to say about it...what could it be...he SAID things that broke my heart and gave me goosebumps...he had a small “depression” as i fucking did too...so i told myself...OKAY NO MORE CRYING ALONE, I’LL LIVE FOR BOTH OF US AND WATCH EVERY VIDEOS...2018 will be MY YEAR too...and it was true. Cause i would NEVER have known Detroit: Become Human and Connor Army + Jack’s community.. Bryan&Amélia gave me hope with their “Love” when i HATED seeing people being in love...Sean gave me ambitions/desires. i discovered my skills and my love/passion for drawing, editing videos.  (i lost my aunt not long ago tho) -_-

2018 : Charities, LiveStreams and the Tour(May28)+(July26) which i went. Collabs (Reynolds/Dechart) i’m just waiting for the next BIG collab...haha. PMA CLOTHING ( i bought it ) ;u; i love this ! i’m not gonna sit on my sadness. i said NO to Negativity. even if sometimes it comes back; saying HI!

POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE  was born in my mindset. i made friends in the communities. EVEN tho i have some down moments, THEY are helpful and i think about Sean’s “wise” words and same for Bryan’s words...of course not everyone can be happy 100% all the time. but as long as you fight and believe, you can do anything. So i AIM for happiness, i want to move forward, appreciate the little things when they happen ;u; I want to be the best version of me.

THANK YOU FOR READING AND SORRY IF IT WAS SO LONG. i could have written more, but i don’t want to re-open some old wounds of mine ;u;

  I’M ALIVE

@therealjacksepticeye YOU KEPT MY MIND ON THE CLEAR FIELD <3 i want to give you a HUG, but i know it won’t happen..YET. i hope ONE day tho...i’M FUDGING PROUD OKAY!

[cicinicole-14]

coco’s college story

I just need to vent and get things off my chest. this is going to be quite long, and I’m going to add more to this, but we’re starting a new segment on this blog called #coco’s college story. I’m going to get personal and real and you don’t have to read, but I just need to write it all out. feel free to come talk if you feel inclined to. and since this will be long, I’ll put it under the cut. lets hope everything is spelled right...

college really sucks sometimes. I’m really stressed out from it and I have no idea what to do or what I am doing. 

I’m going to start at the beginning, or try to at least. which, brings me to grade 11. I think this is really where it started. everyone was starting to take the ACT/SAT (American standardized tests required for most college admittance) and I hadn’t even begun to think where I truly wanted to go for college. yet some kids in my class had already started applying wtf. all I thought I knew was that a. I wanted to go out of state and b. I wanted to go far from home and c. I wanted to be a doctor. 

summer of 2016 (summer after I finished 11th grade) I was in Virginia visiting my best friend Autumn (she plays a huge role in this). Autumn is 6 months older than me and would be at this time starting her first semester at GMU in the fall of 2016. so she asked me where I wanted to go to school. my reply? “haha that’s a great question!!! I have no fucking clue.” (literally word for word) and she was like “apply to GMU!!!” and I was like, “dude, Noah fence but you’re going there to be a hISTORY major and I literally slept thru that class for all of middle and high school. nah fam” and she’s like “yeah, but they have a great science program and then you can go to Hopkins after.” so I was like ok maybe. so I did what everyone does best: listed my pros and cons

pros: 

going to school w/ bff since age 3

1,025 miles from home and from my mother* 

good science program so I can be a dr?? 

location wise: gr8 bc autumn’s fam lived 2hrs north and my stepsister (who I’m close with) lived 2hrs NE and its a 2hr plane ride home to florida

cons: 

is hella expensive**

1,025 miles from home 

current number of people I know going to this school: 1 (and pls note: I hate doing things alone even tho I love to be alone. idk how to explain this but like like I enjoy being alone but I don’t like being alone. I know some of y’all understand this?)

leaving friends I have in florida

tbh, the pros outweighed the cons and I applied to GMU and I was accepted. (I applied to other schools and got accepted to one and denied at another because they closed the program I was applying for but I can assure u had they not, I would’ve gotten accepted)anyway, I took my ACT in October of 2016 and got accepted to gmu in December of 2016. I think that’s really when the stress started kicking in, because while I was happy to be accepted to my dream school, I had a lot of emotions I wasn’t ready for and then later on experienced them. 

2017 started off decently. I went into the second semester of senior year knowing I was accepted and 100% planning on going to my dream school, ready for a new future, ready to leave Florida, excited about going to Italy that march with my class etc… 

but it also brought hard times because I ended my friendship with one of my best friends in the whole world: olivia. we were inseparable and had been for 8 years and knew each other for 13 years. it was seriously really hard, especially because not only was I close to her, I was close with her mom, little brother, big sister, niece and nephews. it really sucked. 

and, I had the daunting task of telling my mother I was going to Virginia for college. 

now, as some of you may know, my relationship with my mother is very strained. and whenever I refer to my “parents” on Tumblr, I’m talking about my dad and stepmom, because I always refer to my mom (as mother) separately. and add to the fact, my mother flipped out on autumn’s mom a few years ago and told them to never speak to me again. so, since I was 12 years old, my mom has had no idea I’ve kept in touch with autumn and still has no idea I go to school with autumn. (my dad and stepmom love her family and her and see no problem with them same as me and she’s my best friend and my mother has issues we will not be addressing rn) anyway, so I didn’t tell my mother I got accepted to GMU until April of 2017. (mind you, I found out mid-december and my dad found out when I got the email because I made Claudia stop the car before we headed to a Christmas party lol) and so I told my mom in April that I was going to GMU and she asked me if autumn went there and I lied right thru my teeth and told her I had no fucking clue because we weren’t friends, remember? and that was one big thing that really started the stressing because a. I didn’t have olivia there as my bff to help me thru the stressful time, and b. I so badly wanted my mother to be happy for me but I knew deep down she really wasn’t because she also flipped out a bit and was like “wtf ur going to college? u leave in august?” and I was like yeah, what did you expect me to do?” and honestly, she was angry about it, but I was an adult, its my life and she had no say in where or whether or not I was going to college. 

so, fast forward to college. idk how chronological this will be so we’re just going to list some stressors I’ve had with college. 

it’s 1,025 miles away from home

I grew up in a town in Florida, in the same neighborhood I was brought home from the hospital in (I almost said same house, but I moved down the street long story…) I went to a preschool from ages 2-4 and then started elementary and middle school ages 5-13 at one school and then half of my eight grade class went to my high school. and I was there for four years. these people were family. out of the 7 people who went to high school with me, 4 I knew since kindergarten, one I knew since fifth grade and the other since sixth and the last one was me. and I made two friends (chelsey and Claudia) in ninth grade who are my sisters. I love them both so much. I would talk thru fire for them (and autumn, Robyn and belle ofc but we’re talking about my friends at home) anyway, I grew up there. Florida is my home. I like small places. I lived in a kinda small city in my two bedroom condo with my parents and doggo and I had neighbors who I’d known most of my life. my whole family was in Florida basically, minus my aunt (dad’s sister who we visit in NY or she’d visit us).

I was leaving my friends

I went from seeing Claudia every day in school, and once every two weeks during the summer or a few times a week because of our movie dates lol, and chelsey who graduated the year before me and lived an hour away from me at home, made it a point to still come to my school to see me and sleep over at my house, and then during the summer she came over once a week and stayed over. I saw them all the time. we’re three peas in a pod. I saw them a lot. and I only have 5 really close friends. friends I would walk thru fire for, and trust with my life. mentioned above: Claudia, chelsey, autumn, Robyn and belle. and we all have different relationships. autumn moved away when I was 11 and I coped with that in middle school (another dark time in my life) and I learned to live with that. Robyn and belle I met over Tumblr, so I’d never entertained the prospect of seeing them regularly. (tho Robyn and I have kinda made a pact of visiting each other during the summer and thus every other summer I get to see belle when Its my turn to visit Canada) but chelsey and claudia? I saw them a lot, and I hadn’t had to cope with a friend, who I saw a lot and was inseparable with, be away from me for a huge long period of time in a long time (age 11). and to add to the fact, both chelsey and Claude go to school at home and they became close with my family too so like idk it all just kinda fell apart 

I get really homesick/leaving my parents and dog

this one wasn’t as bad solely because, I left home august 2nd. I was traveling by myself most of this month. I saw my parents at the end of the month when they held me move in for college. then, I got a surprise visit from them and my doggo in September because they drove up to my sister’s house 2 hrs from my school to escape the hurricane that was to hit Florida (bless, my house was fine). then I saw them again in October, because my sister got married!!! and thanksgiving I saw them again, November, because ofc its thanksgiving ill see them, even though it flew by. and now here, its December and I’m going home for a month. so I’ll see them thru January. and then lbr, because my dad works in Maryland a lot, he’s probably gong to be up north most of 2018 too and he vowed to visit me when he could because he’s a mush and misses his kid even if he denies it. also, the homesickness; I don’t like being away from people/be by myself in a house for an extended period of time, but I kinda built up my tolerance because my dad travels a lot and I have speration anxiety from it (he travelled all my life and I was left with my mother for a lot of it so stress but I built up a tolerance for it when I was like 15 and my homesickness started getting better from then on out) and like I did really well when I spent 8 days in Italy without my parents etc which I only had 1 tiny little freak out and Claudia helped me thru it and was proud at the fact that I only had one like 2 days in to the trip and was fine after that. 

my life plan

holy f u c k. ever hear the saying like “you plan and god laughs”? well, holy fuck, it can’t be more true. I don’t care what god or thing you believe in, its fucking true. I’m a planner. not a detailed one, but its a rough outline, I have a plan of my life, roughly outlined; its got a few bullet points mainly looking like this:

my life:

go to college out of state

make money

be a doctor in the nicu

be a mom/foster/adopt kids

own lotsa pets

have enough money to build my own house

were going to focus on the “be a doctor” point. because this is where everything got fucked. 

since I was five years old, five. I wanted to be a doctor. since that age, I narrowed down the specifics and specialty etc. I picked out what school I wanted to go to for medical school and whatnot. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five fucking years old. 

college has since changed that plan...

about a month into school this semester, I changed my major of–––biology degree> medical school> be a doctor to uh, now I’m currently in the pre-nursing (BsN) program at my college (and I’m minoring in photography, but that I knew about and hasn’t changed). I remember this day very clearly when I decided. it was a Monday. idk the date, but it was Monday and I was sitting in the JC (the main campus building) with autumn eating food and I was like “I’m having a crisis and I want to change my major to nursing” and so then I called my dad and told him I was going to do it. thankfully my while family was very supportive (minus my mother I have not talked to her since September[?]***)

so that happened, and threw me for a loop. 

college is just extremely different in general.

I really don’t even know how else to categorize this. so here are just random things. 

professors are weird. all of them. no matter their age: which this ranges too because I have some that are like two coughs away from dying and others who are literally only like 5 years older than me… fucking weird. 

your syllabus is your fucking roadmap. don’t fucking lose it. 

nothing ever gets graded at a decent time. I literally got two papers back without grades on them and they aren’t online either but the prof said that they’re recorded in the gradebook he has so like????

I grew up going to private christian schools since I was 2… which means no cussing in class and wearing a uniform and your parents drive you to school, we don’t have busses. 

college: no dress code. I wore pj’s (with jack skellington on them) to class and Christmas and halloween printed leggings and hoodies with just a bra underneath and fucking whatever the hell I wanted to class, strapless/sleeveless dresses, whatever. my professors cusses in classes/lectures. I was taken back by this at first. but thoroughly loved the chillness and laid-backness that classes had tho because I could say whatever I wanted (vulgarity wise). and I now blame my worsening swearing habit on college because I’m not in christian private school or nannying 3x a week anymore so I haven’t needed to curb my language… walking…everywhere… I live on campus in a dorm without a car (autumn has one but we really only use it to run errands on Fridays) and damn that was a shock. because while yes, I lived in a smallish city and there was a Walmart and dollar store close to my house to walk to if I was bored, I didnt really walk much, we drove a lot. because my school was 15 miles away. and like idk nothing wasn’t super close. and now here that I live on campus, my whole life is here. I eat sleep and breathe campus, so I walk everywhere. to all my classes, to get food, well thats basically it because thats all college leaves you time for… 

college is stressful. 

and finally, here are more things that I wasn’t expecting. 

I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult. Im currently taking 6 classes (16 credits altogether) and out of those 6 classes, I’m currently passing 2 I think? college is fucking hard. it didn’t help that I had a few major major major anxiety attacks and literally disassociated with everything for a week, two different times, plus I got sick with a nasty ass cold, and like idk, just it sucked. I moved 1,025 miles from home and then homesickness an that reality of “I’m living a thousand miles from home by myself” hit me. and I literally know no one here except autumn who I see once a week on Fridays. (because we both have off) and like it killed me. I left my only home I’ve ever known. I moved my whole life here. and I had a shocking realization that yeah, I’m going to Florida during breaks and whatnot, but I left Florida August 2, 2017 and I knew it was for good. I packed up my whole room last summer and knew that when I got on the plane, I wasn’t going to ever be coming back home home for good. I left my keys on the kitchen counter and said goodbye to my room. and yes, its still my room, but it’s been a guest room for the past few months and its not my room anymore. I did move out. and so that hit me too. 

and I’m alone here. I had a mental breakdown one day when I was texting chelsey and Claudia and all I really wanted was a hug from them but they’re a thousand miles away and couldn’t give me one, so I was stuck crying in the middle of our campus chick-fil-a. and so I texted autumn at 9am on a Thursday and she came in her pj’s and walked across campus to give me a hug so I could hug her, cry on her shoulder and breathe a little easier. 

and while I know this decision to move states away and leave everything I’ve ever known was hard, I know it was the right decision and the best decision I ever made, and the scariest.

I know that because if I went to school at home, I would Never have ended up moving out. I know I needed to experience college dorm life, and living by myself more, and being independent. I know for my health––mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally––it was for the better. mentally: I am able to escape my mother being here where she can’t visit me or I won’t run into her here. physically: I walk everywhere and I’m attempting to eat healthier etc… spiritually: I’ve had a rough time with my faith, but I’m a christian and like autumn helps me a lot with this in strengthening my faith etc etc, (I’m more spiritual than religious) and emotionally: I’ve been able to heal and accept who I am, and I came out as bi to my friends, currently 4/5 of them and all of you guys. its a new zone here and I can live and be free and be me. I don’t have to worry about the people I knew from high school judging me because I’m bi and we went to a christian school etc. I’m who I am here and my decision to move here has helped me grow. 

and also, yeah, I’m stressing currently about my future, but I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m failing classes right now, but I’ve realized thats because I haven’t been on my A-game. I went thru a major life change, I’ve had a bit of family health issues, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues and stress surrounding my mother and my relationship with her since starting college, and like a lot more, and so I have decided that while I had a mental breakdown about not making it into the nursing program, I’m going to take it slowly. fuck doing this all “fast and in four years and yada yada”. Its only been one semester, this is a whole new ballgame for me. college is so different from high school. so, I’m going to be better next semester, focus more on my passions, maybe take summer classes, and not pressure myself to be in the nursing program in my 3rd year, take my time. there’s no rush. 

notes:

*– mother and I have a very strained relationship due to her years of mental abuse (and very little but still prevalent physical abuse) towards me. I’ve been trying to get out from under her thumb since I was 10. moved in with my dad when I was 12 but since he travelled for work a lot, I stayed with mother etc until I was about 15 when I stayed with friends or by myself. and so being away from her like this has only brought peace and less fights because I don’t have to see her or talk to her

**– college out of state tuition is hella fucking expensive, but thankfully, my granddad had set aside money for his grandkids (there’s only 2 of us, me and my cousin Kiersten who is out of college now) and has put us thru school (private school) our whole lives. we have been blessed so very graciously with being able to go to any school we chose debt free because our grandpa has it covered no questions asked and truly its the best thing ever because while I grew up not worrying about tuition, I still grew up with a tight family income because mom had a fixed income and then when I moved in with dad, he worked for himself, so he has seasonal work… some months its great, other months were scrounging for the last few dollars to put food on the table… 

***–since moving to college and being out from under my mother’s thumb, I’ve been talking with my parents (again remind u this means dad and stepmom) about me needing to learn to heal and forgive and just live my life and I can’t do that if I keep having my mother call or text me or expect me to visit her etc… I’m an adult. I’m going home this Christmas to tell her that if she wants to be my mother in the long run, she needs to play by my rules, and this is now going to happen my way. I need to cut contact with her for however long. and she’s not to reach out to me. I need to be the one to do it because if she pushes it, our relationship is so strained right now because of her actions, if she attempts anymore, she’s going to lose me forever as her daughter and deep down, we both don’t want that. so I need space and need to learn how to forgive her. and she needs to get help and learn to be a better person herself. she needs to do a lot of things I’m not going to get into here but yeah, basically. 

so that’s it. this was really long and I’m sorry about that. if y’all feel inclined to talk to me about any of this, feel free to do so. I needed to talk through this. I’m probably going to talk about #coco’s college story a bit as my life goes on. I will keep everyone updated. college is stressful, and crazy, and scary and wild and fun and terrifying and a lot of emotions mixed in one

xx cici 

[sassmill]

Do all those ask things 1-104

I saw this comingASK ME THINGS1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Hello Reese, how did I get here exactly 2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?Lmfao she jokingly told people we were dating and liked to hold my hand and mentions the kiss way too much and shit but she never explicitly expressed actual interest in a real relationship and she kept telling me about girls she was talking to on tinder and asking me for relationship advice but I don't have time to play games and she graduated so who the fuck knowsThe kiss was for acting class but she was way too handsy with me outside of class for it to be just a stage kiss and by the end of the semester I was just kind of annoyed 3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?If we're talking the good kush then no but other stuff yes4. Is your last name longer than six letters?Yeet5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?Well my character was an alcoholic and the girl kissing me had just finished pouring beer into my mouth So "Tilly" was drunk but I was not 6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?Lmao give me till the end of the summer before I answer this (that's a big fuckin joke because I'm a pussy and won't do anything)7. What does your last received text say?TRUE8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?idk I think we did the scene full out a total of three times9. Where was your last kiss at?The black box theater on campus10. When is the last time you saw your sister?Sometime before she went to bed idk time is a human construct 11. What do you drink in the morning?Coffee 12. Where did you sleep last night?My bed 13. Do you think relationships are hard?Just because something takes effort doesn't mean it has to be hard 14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?Done my fuckin employment paperwork for camp a hell of a lot sooner 15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?UGH having to have an actual conversation and not being able to diffuse everything with humor like I usually do 16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?Rainy I am so unbelievably pale 17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?Yes my fuckin dorm neighbor all this past year had the exact first AND middle name as me it was fuckin weird18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?Haha joke's on you I don't wear pants to bed if I don't have to 19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?You know I sure fuckin hope so because I'm actually starting to lose my mind 20. Does anyone like you?Platonically I'm popular for once and it's working well for me so I'm gonna pretend that that's what this question is asking me 21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?Nope22. Is the last person you kissed gay?She's not straight 23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?SEVERAL 24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?A lot but I'm impulsive and afraid of commitment so I know that any choice I make I will probably regret 25. In the past week have you cried?Haha more like how many weeks has it been since I haven't cried26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Friendo (mutt)27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?Idk I kinda do a combo I move while drying 28. Have you ever kissed a football player?Oh honey not my gay ass29. Do you think you’re old?I've been told I'm an old soul and I've personally felt like a 46 since I was about 1330. Do you like text messaging?Since I struggle with verbal communication (that isn't rehearsed like a script is), YES31. What type of day are you having?Went to IKEA and the hardware store then went home and felt hopeless about a married woman so all in all pretty gay32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?Not really I'm all for body modification but for myself piercings freak me out33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?Cold this is literally logical because I can't remove my skin when it's too hot but I can put on a fucking sweater when it's cold 34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?I LOVE MY ACTING TEACHER CLAIR SO FUCKING MUCH HE IS A BRIGHT LIGHT AND I DONT THINK I WOULD'VE DONE SO WELL THIS YEAR WITHOUT HIM35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?fuck I meanRealistically a relationship But I passed desperate when I joined a sugar baby website so I'll take a fuckin fling at this point36. Are you a simple or complicated person?I'm like what would happen if you tried to put together IKEA furniture for the second time without the manual and you have a little too much confidence in yourself because you pulled it off fine the first time with the instructions but you quickly realize you need help and then everything just turns into screaming 37. What song are you listening to?Literally erotic asmr videos judge me if you want I've lost the ability to care38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?Honey if I ain't sorry your ass isn't getting an apology 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?The fuckin cheese monster 40. What made you start liking the person you like now?Holy shit do I even want to get into thisTrick question the answer is yesSo I've known this woman for over ten years and have been getting increasingly close with her for sixIn the past four years is when I've fallen for her and let me tell you in all honesty: it started as a hate fuck fantasy. I used to hate her so so much. AND THEN I realized I was gay and Things Changed ™ plot twist: she's actually an incredible person who helped me build up my confidence and feel proud of my sensuality and yeah I think I've been solidly in love with her for two years now but she is married to a man so fuck me rightShe's also twice my age which has lead me into some deep self loathing shit it's complicated and I'm still working through it 10/10 would not recommend She did call me her flirty girl tho at least I'll always have that whatever the fuck it's supposed to mean41. When did you last receive a text message?12:12 am which is about half an hour ago 42. What is wrong with you right now?We don't have time for this I can assure you 43. How well do you know the last female you texted?Well first of all I pretty much text only females, so jot that downAnd I mean god how long have we been friends Reese I think I know you fairly well for an Internet friend I know about your true feelings for bowser so 44. Does anyone disgust you?Jesus don't even fucking get me started 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?Yes are you sensing a theme here46. Are you in a good mood right now?Eh47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?My father48. What color shirt are you wearing?Grey49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?That I have my permit test tomorrow lmao50. Anyone you’re giving up on?I mean people change so fuckin give it time51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?See number 4052. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?NOPE when I decide I'm done I'm fuckin done 53. Do you like rain?Ye54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?Within reason 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?See 4056. Do you like to cuddle?Yes fuck57. Are you shy?Not really I mean I have a variety of facades for when I'm insecure so58. Do you get along with girls?I'm gay59. Have you dated the person you texted last?Yeah what a memelord60. What do you carry with you at all times?My dark past with the musical Cats61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?My dude I already volunteer in one for free you bet your ass I'd jump at the chance to get paid to deal with ghosts for onceI'd have a lot more patience with the Puritan minister calling me a witch because I'm a woman who speaks out of turn if I was making money 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?I'm a very adaptable person so I should hope so63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?Nope64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?Well when she kisses me on the cheek I die inside so I'm gonna go with probably 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?Ashlinn and Kristina reaffirm my belief in the existence of love every day and that's the cutest thing ever66. How old are the last three people you kissed?25, 19, 18 but honestly none of them count so?67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? I'm cheap and don't like physical contact or intimacy with strangers so you do the math68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? Leopard 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? My dude I don't even have a license 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? Who71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? I'm posting this via carrier pigeon so72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? Idk whenever the last buskin society party was 73. Do you like diet soda? Only Diet Pepsi 74. What color are the walls in your room? This really awful green color that my parents painted it when my youngest siblings were sharing it (a "gender neutral" color)75. Are you 16 or older? Yeet76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? Ugh I watched two whole seasons and still couldn't find a way to care77. Do you have a job? I have three technically but two are summer and one is at school 78. What are your initials? EVG79. Did you ever have braces? For five fucking years plus other shit to fix my overbite 80. Are you from the south? God no 81. What does your last status on facebook say? If You Notice A Beautiful Purple Thing On The Sand This Summer, Run Away Immediately 82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? Yeah see I haven't had a real kiss yet so 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? Idk I mean I think I get along better with my dad but that's just because I am literally exactly like my mother 84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? Oh god yup both I dropped a girl on her head 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? I think it was Get Out86. Do you smoke? Carol Aird Taught Me How To Hit A Blunt At Two AM On A Softball Field 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? Heels88. Is your phone touch screen? If I touch the pigeon it bites me89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? This is a joke my hair has absolutely zero natural texture 90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? I'm bland 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? Pool I get anxiety from nature have you ever seen Scooby Doo and the Loch Ness Monster?92. Have you ever made out in a car? No93. …Had sex in a car?I'm really bitter right now94. Are you single or in a relationship? Really 95. What were you doing last night at midnight?I think I was crying 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? A couple months ago just randomly. My school is down the road from an amusement park. 97. Do you like the camera on your phone? I guess98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? No99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? I am a heavyweight mom friend so no100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? Yup101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? I'm gay102. Name your favorite Kesha song: I fux wit Your Love is My Drug103. Do you have any tan lines right now? I have the minimum amount of melanin a person can have without actually being albino I am physically incapable of tanning104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? Fashion is a societal construct

[heyitshera]

Road to RPh

so basically I just wanted to share about my experience while reviewing for the PLE that I took last March 9 & 10, 2017 that I unexpectedly PASSED (subhanALLAH) I was beyond happy and literally felt like on cloudnine when I saw my name on the LIST OF PASSERS that was released (03/14/17) earlier than I expected to come out. Yes I was so happy I was sobbing of happiness because I really never thought I would make it. yes to be honest I didn’t had the confidence that I would actually grab it in just one take (tho I was continually praying and hoping for it I would) because I really had a hard time during review days even on the day of boards it was so hard for me like seriously I feel like out of 6 modules, the only modules that I’m sure of are Modules 1 and 6 because that was the only modules wherein I could say almost 40% of what I’ve studied came out like seriously same questions and choices. haha Then Module 2, 3, 4 & 5 was the hardest for me (kulang nalang lahat eh huhuhaha) **During Review Days** it was around August-September 2016 when I started to enroll myself on review center (ACE) right after graduation (July 2016) literal na walang pahinga bes, no breaks like after school days, had my major internship then started to attend the review in ACE already. I could say attending the lectures were worth it somehow because the lecturers for the modules that I am weak in are so good so it gave me the interest to attend everyday (yes I never skipped classes as for I know with myself that I need more of stock knowledge because I feel like they’re always stucked up haha) then there goes having mastery tests and honestly I only passed Inorg (Module 1) because I never get the chance to study well on the other modules and I also got lazy because that time was like the months of my laziness like the only thing I know is I’m tired I need rest first lol then we had our Mockboard, 3 times. and yes again my percentage still didnt make it to the passing rate like I need 10% more to pass. Then around September-October was like the rest month and supposed to be the month for self-studying but then my lazyass always end up wasting time so I decided to attend classes again in ACE (at Cebu) around November-December to improve myself and my study habits but then again we had mastery tests, I still didnt passed lol I dont even know why what happened to myself during those days, I just dont have the mood to study at all because I feel like it’s just useless and it’s just like the version 2.0 of my first review so I even decided to just finish to attend the lectures then I’m going home haha yes I didn’t took the last mockboards we had in December because I already knew I would just flop. Honestly when the rumors of PLE (supposed to be January 2017) got moved, I was so happy because I really am not yet ready to take the exam so that’s when I decided to go home instead and start fresh and did self-review. I’m glad that my decision was right and didn’t regret it which I also thought of what if I would just waste time again get comfy with bed and be lazy again lol like seriously having wifi at home 24/7 and with my fangirling self who cant live without using twitter lurking for Justin Bieber is just not so me so that’s why I didn’t even went hiatus on fangirling waha I once read a post that you dont have to deprive yourself from doing what you love to do. yes, as long as if it makes you happy then there’s no problem with that (of course as long as you also have to balance it with studying) mehe so in my case, I made Justin as my caffeine and inspiration to motivate me to study. Self-reviewing is hard but definitely a challenge. It would literally test your patience and self-discipline inorder to be productive. When it was announced that the PLE would be on March 2017 already, that’s the time I feel like woah God is now giving me more time and this is my only last chance inorder to make it and pass the boards. so around December-February was literally the months of me reading/studying notes EVERYDAY. I made a schedule for every week like I have to finish this in a week and on the following weeks different modules again until I’d be able to finish it. I did have 13hours of studying everyday and the only breaks I had was performing obligatory prayers. I’m glad that those months were like the wake up call for me like seriously did try my best to follow my sched and fortunately I did (tho to be honest I also had some rests and fangirling days haha but that was just kinda reward for myself to get me back on track again to inspire me phase haha) I finished reading my notes ONLY ONCE tbh like from December till the end of February then also studied PACOP 2000 (Green/Manor manual) also ONLY ONCE 10 days before I leave for Cebu (March 4) as I believe that it would still be freshly remembered in mind. Then, when it was exactly 1 week left before boards, I still didn’t stop reviewing because I’m kinda used to cramming and I feel like I really need it so I also indulge myself doing late night prayers just to calm myself and pray to get rid of anxiety and fear (tho to be honest there was a day before boards I think that I suddenly break down and cried, thought of I just had to lessen whatever my heart is feeling lol) growing up not having achievements during highschool and college days was so depressing and really cant help not to self-pity and since I’m just an average student and I never get 1.0 unlike my siblings. But then it also made me realized that I should stop doubting myself start believing that I could also make it, I have to believe in myself, I have to believe that I can and so I will. I’m not that smart but I have goals so that what motivated me to do well on my last few days of review, I put in mind that I studied and worked hard for this and I just want my parents and fam to be proud of me. :) so Alhamdulillah ya rabb for the answered duaas. words are not even enough to express how happy I am that I finally have the 3 letters that I dreamed to have. it is indeed a pain in the ass and an ass to work for. Every single tear sweat and hardships are now worth it! so the bottomline with my blogpost, I just wanted to share and hopefully might inspire those who are perhaps also like me. Just… NEVER SAY NEVER. Believe In Everything Because Everything is Reachable. this is my life motto by Justin Bieber waha indeed the key to success is FAITH and PERSEVERANCE. BELIEVE You can and You will ;) ps: I knew I was given this name for a reason and felt even MORE blessed when I already had the 3 letters next to it. and even if I may be just an average type of person and not even that good in writing, that doesnt make me less of a person and it wont stop me from achieving my dreams and be the best version of me. This is my dream career and I’m definitely looking forward for what God has in store for me and I know that I was given a PURPOSE to help those who are in need from a druggist. I am hella lazy but hardworking type of person also somehow (promoting myself bc I need a job) wahahaha **That would be all waha thank you. Your Happy and Proud Belieber Pharmacist, Sidra “Hera” Tan Ahmad (Sidratul Muntaha Tan Ahmad, RPh)