#so I had to put Worthless Text on the Actual Post

[misterbenzadrine]

binary bfs caltech core

when pt 3 dropped, i made these cute little visualizers for myself but i never actually posted it bc they're really low-effort but i hope they're still appreciated !!

eli 'hawk' moskowitz

he still goes by hawk

very much still a mix of wild party guy and total nerd

he goes to most of the events on campus and absolutely soaks in the college experience as much as he can

his friends tease him for being so out there and social while still having a really low social battery but he doesn't tell anyone it's bc he never thought he'd be able to be that kind of guy who had a lot of friends and could confidently participate in everything so he's taking advantage of what he didn't think was possible

his room is SO messy (not dirty, just really sloppy)

sometimes he'll facetime miguel and/or sam, catching up and playing roblox or (at its height) among us (also with tory and robby)

demetri alexopoulos

spends most of his time at the library, his dorm, or the science building/lab

a lot of people actually find him really interesting/fun and some even flirt with him but he's really oblivious, like you could drop as many hints as you want that you wanna hang out with him more and he'll be like "oh that does sound fun ! let me know how that goes :)"

he's still very much a yapper so he does talk to a lot of people on a daily basis (his professors, the dining hall workers, the janitors, student activities members, his classmates, robotics peers, lgbt club members, sword fighting society members, role-play club members, stem society members, etc.)

but again, he doesn't actually think anyone LIKES him. he doesn't necessarily have a defeatist low self-esteem anymore, he doesn't think he's worthless, he just doesn't see himself as the type of person to actually attract permanent company

he keeps his room really neat and always really comfortable (his friends often joke they could stay in there forever if he'd let them)

he always texts sam and yas and allows his other hs friends to have a bit of breathing room as long as they keep contact so he knows they're alive and still care about him

most of demetri's social energy is spent on hawk bc hawk is the only/main person that knows he needs to be blunt about his intentions to hang out instead of beating around the bush

hawk more often than not has to drag him out of one of his usual corners to relax and have fun on campus (which he knows demetri appreciates)

despite how it sounds, they actually have really fun times at the parties together playing beer pong, doing chugging games, and doing low-budget obstacle courses (they are a force to be reckoned with and have a very high reputation on campus)

hawk totally doesn't feel his heart melt when demetri unintentionally shrugs off people flirting with him or asking him to hang out somewhere to put all his focus on hawk and ask him what they're doing

it does slightly frustrate him when demetri is so clueless about it though ("so a lot of people seem to really like you." "do they? i think they're just being nice." "that girl invited you back to her dorm. you know you don't have to have lunch with me, if you wanna take her offer." "we were just talking about star wars and she wanted to show me her clone wars posters. it's not that exciting." "dude she obviously didn't care just about the posters." "i think you're reading too much into it." "and you're clearly not reading enough into it.")

demetri knows and accepts how much it means to him when hawk turns down party invitations to hunker down with demetri for a movie night in their dorm or working in the robotics lab late into the night

hawk sometimes worries demetri has leftover resentment that he dragged him away from mit to stay in california and demetri rolls his eyes and repeats every time "hey, i chose to apply here. you didn't force me to do anything. stop feeling guilty for something you didn't do. now do you wanna get take out or head to the dining hall?"

on the same note, demetri sometimes worries that hawk doesn't want to do "nerd stuff" with him but hawk, as if he has a sixth sense for this insecurity, always swoops in at the perfect time to ask demetri if he wants to do exactly the kind of nerd shit he was insecure about, soothing his worries since hawk is the one to bring it up (this nerd shit can include trivia nights, dnd campaigns, heading to the local comic book store, working in the robotics lab, etc.)

whether it's late night study sessions or midnight drinking contests, the binary bros stay permanently glued to each other's sides and while demetri is scared of hawk growing tired of their mild codependence, hawk works diligently to show him exactly how much he loves being a duo with him

my boys, i miss them so bad

the fact that they'd have been class of 2024 :( MY SHAYLAS

also i can't remember who it was but someone commented a long time ago on one of my tt edits about them quarantining together and tbh that sounds like so much fun, i may put that together later :3

[emberunderscore]

guys im going crazy with the edits over here (im sure this has been done with this song before but idc i wanted to)

also guys im going to include the rambling in the actual edit post this time because i actually cannot contain myself . (i went on and on for this one i had a lot of thoughts )

OK BIG ONE COOL ONE WHEN IT SAYS "I'm a worthless human being" there is an overlay during the word "worthless" of the prison scene and the word worthless is layed over sherbert's forehead, think of it like the word worthless and failure going hand in hand because icarus doesn't belive they are worth anything if they are not useful and they cannot be useful if theyre a failure which they wholeheartedly believe they are THATS IT THATS MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EDIT (not really but shshshshs)

ok back to being in order

"I had left you" and "I forgave you" being right next to each other is SO PERFECT because that part is referencing the cave obviously and immediately after centross dies icarus is like 'get the fuck away from me why did you do that, holy shit you were gonna kill me' and then he tells them he can bring centross back and they immediately forgive him (and its not rlly great editing wise cause obviously theres not much contrast between the clips but the sacrifices we make are very small)

"I forgot you" this line is kinda hard to understand how ive coded it cause centross is on the screen so it kinda makes it seems like im saying they forgot centross but NO! they forgot about fable, they were so focused on bringing centross back that they completely lost sight of fable and his actions and how that hurt everyone around them

then the "said you loved me" I LOVE PUTTING VOICELINES IN EDITS CHAT. I LOVE IT SO MUCH AHHHH. i love when the words and they go together and theyre similar and i go crazy . im knawing at the bars of my enclosure

(i was going to put a voicline of fable's 'you will not survive' from cathedral of war in this part, but only chose not too cause it made the audio too chaotic but its still the clip from when he said that so just KNOW) i really love the "said you'd kill me" part. it just looks really cool to me, please appreciate my work thank you goodnight <3

THE WHOLE NEXT PART. THE BEAT DROP IF YOU WILL.

the text is all shaky, the way ive always imagined this part of the song in my brain is like full mental breakdown, hands pulling at hair hitting at your head . theres something inside of you and you want it OUT and you will hurt yourself to makes that happen . so thats kind of the vibe i wanted to portray, however . im not that skilled and capcut only has so many free text effects so . we make do. i also couldn't put that effect on all the text because for it to look right i couldn't use an 'in' animation for the text so having all of it just appear looked kind of weird so i had to comprimise a little

also the font is called "honest" which . if you know me i love putting subliminal messaging in my font usage when i can which i managed to do a couple times in this edit actually. the font is very jagged which fits for the idea of someone who's reaching their breaking point and all the rotation and bold and italics are all just thrown around there. making em all look interesting . for *flavour*

the other font that's got a cool title and this one i actually only picked because of the title and that's "innocent" its used in a lot of frames like "you possessed me", "you controlled me" and "or he'll hurt me" all times, the word 'me' uses the innocent font, because with the song it sounds like icarus is trying to remove any of the blame from themself, it was fable's fault because he manipulated me i didn't do anything wrong. so they see themself as 'innocent' which is also why that text is yellow cause its about icarus. i wouldn't have used that font if not for the title icl. but it also makes the times when that font isn't used all the more interesting, this can be seen most notably in "said you'd kill me", and both of the times in the "he's still speaking, speaking for me" parts , and i will let you cook on that cause not everything needs to be explained in great detail as much as id like to do that

most of the fonts at this one were just me throwing shit at a wall and seeing what fit the vibe ill be so fr, i knew i wanted a lot of variation cause its a chaotic sounding song and the colours also have very little thought when it comes to the difference between white/yellow/red for the most part . green is for fable and purple is just whatever the fuck i felt like .

final thing i'm going to say when it goes "i'm a [worthless human being" there is no text on that part and i just want it to be known on the record that it wasn't an accident and it was an aethetic choice and i can't come up with a bullshit important reason for why there's no text on the screen for that SINGLE PART and honestly it just looked so shit with text there but it also looks so out of place with it being the only part but im sure many of you didn't even notice there wasnt text there before i pointed it out so . i can also point out all the slightly off timings for you if you wanna see my creation through my critical self-loathing eyes /silly

[ollxooooooo0llo]

i made a post regarding Wave and Storm's friendship days ago and as i'm bored and already had a draft for this, i finally decided to elaborate on that. This post is gonna be long as hell, and hell, so brace yourselves.

Judging by the dynamic they hold throughout the first two Riders game i think it's pretty clear they know each other a lot, and seem also to tolerate one another well. Wave is sassy and gets aggressive easily, and while others find this annoying or intimidating, Storm not only tolerates it but even pisses her off voluntairly because he KNOWS how she would react. The first cutscene of the Babylon story in OG Riders he does exactly that by denying her taking the Babylon Garden's key , even mocking her just to get a laugh. Not only that, but Wave as well, who was getting visibly angry, instead plays along by seeming cutesy.

(sorry for no subtitles with OGSR, i only have footage of all the cutscenes in japanese with no text) Pretty sure if it was someone else she wouldn't have tried with puppy eyes but would've straight up snatched the thing from their hands and maybe slapped them. And even if Wave got actually angry at Storm, like some scenes later when Storm returns to Jet lamenting how he lost in the Grand Prix, he seems to overreact to a comical extent instead of actually getting hurt by what she says. "But what if he actually did?" Maybe he did? but come on look at this

He's SO dramatic about it, and the when Jet calls them out he immediately locks in. my guess is, again, he's used to it and likes to make up some drama I say this because whenever Storm would enter Jet's office to report/lament about something and Wave had comments to say, like literally calling him worthless lol, he would just shove it off like it was nothing. Literally he just looks at her like ''wth do you want girl''

Also you can see Wave smiling in the process! She enjoys mocking Storm just as much as he does with her

He's used to this; she is used to this. They like poking fun at one another because they know each other enough to be comfortable doing so, and i think that's as high as you can get in a friendship. Something similiar happens in Zg as well, but i'll talk about it later on.

Not to mention the back slap Storm gives Wave that almost had her fall on the ground for telling Jet they should get going because ''he wanted to say it'', and all Wave does is give him the eye like ''are u fr'', acting like she wasn't about to spit her whole left lung out.

Again, as i said before with the cube, i'm pretty sure Wave would've been LIVID if somebody else did that to her, but she just lets it slide because Storm did it! Again, another pretty good demonstration they're very comfortable with one another. And before beginning to talk about Zero Gravity... big shout out to the introductive cutscene. Storm got his board stolen and went flying in the air and instead of leaving him behind, Wave goes and catches him, dragging him until they manage to return Type-S back.

yeah not gonna pretend some of these screenshots ain't goofy af Point is, having 80 kg/ 176 lbs of weight attached to your Extreme Gear, not even properly balanced, has to be hard as hell, but Wave still went though the hustle in order to carry him along with her and Jet despite him losing his EG. Thus i'd safely say that they also DO care about each other, which people might not realise immediately due to their love language being shitting on one another. But actually, there's another example of this care being shown. When Jet and Wave were in Green Forest/Cave whatever, waiting for Storm to return, she was visibly agitated wondering what happened to him, going as far as interrupting Jet's nap because of all the noise she was making Put a video with this one not only to show how stressed she was, but also because in Chie Nakamura's voice she sounds so darn adorable

The same thing happens in ZG, and while she is way more laid back about it, she still is the one to notice him missing in the room, following the others' observation of Amy's absence by stating Storm wasn’t in the room as well. In general she seems to be the one worrying about the her mate's presence or not, Storm's in particular as he was the one always going in missions or getting lost.

Now, speaking about Wave and Storm in Zero Gravity's sphere... i can't say much, as the writers decided they should've barely spoken to one another. However there still are some things to mention. For example how stupidly they act alike when carefully waiting for Jet to extract the Ark of the Cosmos from the altar, even giving them the facepalm right after. Nothing too see here, folks. Just two besties sharing the grand total of one single braincell

Just to look at Jet like the did something. ''Yeah boss the site is clear'' no way dudes, really? lol This scene is not a big deal , but it's still remarkable to some degree when talking about their friendship. Wave's the intellingent and cynical one, and yet still manages to act as silly as Storm when found in a situation like this. It's like meeting your comfort person after a long day of work, with whom you can be more open with. Also could be that Storm’s energy is so strong to be able to influence even a mind as sharp as Wave’s. The same thing happens again a couple of seconds after. Once again not a singular functioning braincell visible in this screenshot

Now to the bit i was talking about earlier. i won't analyze too further into it as i basically explained earlier what this kind of interaction makes emerge about their relationship. Wave sees a shooting star, and decides to make a wish. Storm notices that and mocks her and basically calls her immature, until he searches for approval from Jet and sees him doing the same. Despite this, Wave seems to ignore what he had to say completely.

It's basically the situation that once took place in OGSR making its comeback in ZG, with the difference that now the roles are reversed, and results are pretty much the same with Storm making fun of Wave and her giving him the cold shoulder, just like he used to do everytime he bursted into Jet's office and Wave was ready to blast roasts. Mean words don't necessairly cause emotional weight for them when it's the other saying them because, again, they're probably used to that. Also Storm's comment could've just been something he didn't really think about, and Wave noticed that and just ignored it. Even in this case there's got to be some degree of understanding to know when to actually get hurt by a mean affirmation. This actually happens when Wave announces to Jet to have found something interesting about the ancient texts they had discovered. She goes on to say she would paraphrase what was written in them, and basically suggested simplifying it so bad as a way to call both Storm and Jet dumb. She didn't hint a single bit of sarcasm with that, and in fact Storm genuinely looked hurt (and Jet's pride was just as much).

(this dialogue lives forever free to roam in my heart because it was the ONLY thing that brought back from the dead Wave's mean but witty attitude from the first game. She was so watered down in ZG, but that's another topic) Unfortunately after this there isn't much left about them, BUT the peculiarity of these last things left is the way they communicate without pronouncing a single word. This happens twice: the first time after finding Jet and reassuring him about obtaining the Ark of the Cosmos Amy has a hold on, and the second time while reacting to Jet's intention of betting on the Ark of the Cosmos while challenging Sonic to a race on their way to Eggman through Crimson Tower.

They didn't babble a single word, but still managed to convey their thoughts to each other. The first example displays the scenario of just them being in agreement over the plan for what's to come, as Jet accepted Wave's suggestion. However, the second one in particular shows their bond pretty strongly, because when they heard Jet say what he said, they IMMEDIATELY looked at one another, trying to see if they were thinking the same about what they've just heard, and by their faces of disbelief, my guess is yeah, they did: "Did you hear the same bullshit i heard or??". So not only the first thing they did before anything else was going to the other one to know about their opinion, but they ended up having the same one and agreeing, too. Thus this goes to show Wave values Storm opinion more that anybody else's, and viceversa Storm with Wave (without including Jet, of course), and that despite them being opposites they manage to read the other one very well to the point of just needing a look in the eyes to say something. Overall i think Wave and Storm's friendship is quite strong and definitely genuine. They're a duo of bestfriends i can definitely picture as real people, because this kind of contact and unterstanding is something you would see happening between two close friends. I'm definitely bitter about the fact that they have been reduced to ''Jet's friend and that’s it''s, making them talk exclusively to him and not to each other. Don't give me wrong, i love Jet, but i just think Wave and Storm work better with one another. Jet's got to be more professional and composed around the two because of his status as a leader, thus making him take a more emotional distance from them (which sometimes slips): Storm is his loyal sideckick, and Wave is the mechanic of the group. That's it. On the other hand, Wave and Storm don't seem to have given actual labels to one another, as they don't need to do so, and unsurprisingly they act much more like friends who got put in the same group project. This might have also led them to develop a stronger bond, as they got ''stuck'' in the same trio and had to get to know the other in order to be able to collaborate and complete whatever task they needed to do. I guess this is it. i apologize as there might be some weird wording, and the post itself isn't well organized in general. i literally grabbed my stream of consciousness and slapped it on this post. Also i kept writing it in hours like 2/3 am oh yeah, little bonus:

Do i even need to say something? This is the vibe i was referring to while describing Storm and Wave's friendship as ''being friends stuck in the same group project" lmfao

[gravitasfalls]

So that's it for now, probably back again next winter of our discontent. If I know the cicada cycle of no account cloutchasers who make waste of fandom, you all should stop finding takes of the undead in the couch cushions by then.

That nonsense getting unburied from the Pet Sematary canon and our debunkings put it in 10 years ago has disturbed and insulted me you fools are unworthy of my great knowledge the era of fan enlightenment shall never come to pass - but I mean it when I say it's not as bad as it was. No Fandom Leaders™ no masters anymore who will thoughtpolice every post, if the lack of dogpiling and now room for sanity I saw is any indicator. What's more they have challenged me on everything I thought I knew about those takes not in the way they wanted, they released me from thinking the nonces' nonsense was ever something we needed to prove wrong, ever had any connection to the text or anything but their shared delusions and inadequacies, why else continue it a million years past your massive L in the God Forbid Survivors Do Anything man's happy ending? I'm Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bullshit and that's enough stepping outside my body and watching myself actually listen to this fandom's worthless drivel.

Meanwhile there are clearly more of us Ford Understanders than ever, we and the truth were never going to go away, if something had to change for how I'm told that book finally notes the abuse depiction/real insecurities we early adopters of Media Literacy have in fact called all along. OK creatorman ur off the shitlist for now don't push it. I just can't believe any of what we said got through - tell the old BNF victimblamers no doubt commanding the new flying monkeys I never meant to brag but we got him where we want him now it was never my intention to brag just stealing him away from you now

See y'all on the other side of the apocalypse

[mariuspompom]

It is certainly true that the show has done a lot to force an unbearable climate onto the remaining book fans, but on the other hand you could also wonder - why is such a large part of this remaining book fandom so hell-bent on fanatically supporting the most stupid, toxic ideas we have seen the show to embrace? I would say as stupid as these plot points were, few of the basic, broad ideas Dave and Dan went for were really things they made up all on their own. Mad Queen theories, the distorted view of so many characters like Arya and so on, these all were echoing things a lot of book fans (the type of milieu many of the people in charge of HBO's output were bred in) always WANTED the story and the characters and their trajectory to be, regardless how well founded these wishes matched the actual text.

The show was echoing bad fanon rooted in the book scene more or less from the beginning, you can trace it directly to how some characters were presented and castings were chosen right from the start. That's also why if you listen more closely to so many of the less bearable people in the book scene, the REAL problem so many of them had with the ideas of the latter parts of the show was that it was done in such a way that the public thought it was trash and didn't accept it. The whole agenda of them is now hoping for the books to emerge as some better written version of the show that finally will convince them all that this worthless trash story that is ironically only loved and wanted by these people alone is actually the correct version of it and its characters everyone should finally accept and digest. As ridiculous as the show was, ironically the most ridiculous parts of it were in truth clumsily made fan service for the worst sentiments that were peddled by and nurtured within the book fandom.

Oh, for sure. Thank you for this ask because you have put into words something that has been turning in my head for a long time.

the REAL problem so many of them had with the ideas of the latter parts of the show was that it was done in such a way that the public thought it was trash and didn't accept it.

After almost a year on tumblr and observing the book fandom and reading the BNFs' metas and theories and fanons and briefly delving into reddit and twitter god forbid, I have to say that I agree with you. I can't say how it was in the past though, I wasn't here. But I am afraid it is exactly as you say it is. I mean, Dany's arc from a hero to a fallen hero to a villain because *she watched her abusive brother die without an emotional reaction, psychopath!*, Jon just randomly exiled beyond the Wall because *subverting expectations*, none of them becoming King/Queen of the Seven Kingdoms/KINT, not even BRIEFLY, not even during the War for the Dawn (ok Jon did), because *throne bAAAAD*, *they're not heroes no one can fix Westeros*, *monarchy bAAAAD*, *subverting expectations*, Sansa getting girlbossified because *subverting expectations*, all of these points that ****supposedly*** sucked in GoT, are the exact same theories shared by a very big and very loud part of the BNF here, if not the majority.

So, what exactly is the internet fandom's problem with the show? Is there any? I literally can't see it, except that it was done too quickly and thus made these stupid theories appear even more stupid than they initially were. I've seen a LOT of posts saying like "oh you should stop wishing for your fav to get the throne, no one will get the throne and no one is 'in the right' (especially in the fire and blood discourse), no one 'deserves' it, the throne will crush and burn, the show has done so much damage to the fandom pitting favs against each other for the throne" etc etc, but that's so funny to me because what they say will happen in the books is literally what happened in the show, at least roughly, and their vibe was the vibe of a huge part, if not the majority, of the show fandom. This super annoying nihilism that I see in (book) BNF right now is the exact.same.nihilism I remember from the show fandom. The exact same one, but with a faux-feminist rosey Stansa touch. That's it. From the "Your heros will not get the throne, losers, Littlefinger will kill them all and prevail, the end" show-only dudebro rationale we went to the "oh nobody can fix Westeros, Dany and Jon will sacrifice themselves (best case, worst case Dany will get all psycho like her daddy and bros), monarchy Targs BAD, Targ feudal system BAD, fuck the Targ lords, team small folk, only coincidentally my fav bbgrl Sansa will actually end up in a conventional and strictly feudal position of power uwu, the end". The common denominator? Nihilism and this obsession for subverting expectations. This parallel is even funnier with hotd, where the show's most non-sensical, straight up delulu plot points are whole-heartedly embraced by, again, a big and very loud part of the BNF (probably the majority). This time the concordance is direct and not even denied, and it's embarrassing when I see their half-ass attempts at criticizing the show, because they literally can't. They actually love it and it's so obvious.

So to get to your point, there are two possibilities here: either the show's nihilistic, faux-edgy, shock value-based direction irrevocably transformed the book fandom, or the book fandom was already in that mindset and the show was based on that and it could very well be the latter.

[dj-of-the-coven]

Neku and Joshua - Detail Diatribe

Otherwise known as my complete analysis of Neku and Joshua's relationship, from the first moment they share to the last.

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BEFORE YOU READ:

This post is an opinion piece and will thusly be colored by my biases. I am not a big fan of Joshua or the Joshneku ship. This means absolutely nothing about what I think of the people who do like him or Joshneku. I don't think liking villains or morally gray characters makes a person immoral or villainous themselves, nor do I think having a ship that CAN be read as abusive makes anyone an abuse apologist or an actual abuser. Ship and let ship--we're all just here for enjoyment. If reading a negative depiction of Joshua or Joshneku will upset you then I implore you not to read this essay. Please take care of yourself and block liberally! This post is also NO EXCUSE to send harassment towards Joshua fans or Joshneku shippers. It is meant to be analysis of a fictional relationship in a game that I enjoy, not a reason to bully or make fun of people who disagree with my reading of the text. To ensure that those sensitive to Joshua-critical arguments do not see this post, I will not be tagging it with any of Joshua's character or ship tags and I humbly ask that you refrain from adding them as well. BE KIND TO PEOPLE AND BE UNDERSTANDING OF THOSE WITH DIFFERENT PREFERENCES.

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Whether or not you liked Yoshiya "Joshua" Kiryu after finishing The World Ends With You, it's no stretch of the imagination to say that his character is incredibly complicated--both morally and textually--to fully grasp. His opinions are often hidden behind layers of fluff and fancy words, and his actions might be even less comprehensible at times. He was the one responsible for kicking the plot of the entire first game into action. To put things bluntly: Joshua wanted to purge the world of something he deemed worthless, humanity, so he non-consensually "employed the help" of the moodiest teenage boy in the city to gamble over the lives and deaths of about 203,500 people in a game that cost his proxy...

his memories (initially)

three full weeks of his life

the life and safety of a new friend (twice)

the life and safety of a new friend's little sister (whose erasure he witnessed)

the lives and safety of literally every person he's ever met in his lifetime (e.g. the roughly 203,500 people living in Shibuya, Tokyo in 2007-2008)

his own safety

his stable perception of reality

And eventually, upon being sent to Shinjuku...

three whole years of his life

three years of his living memory (it's unclear as to whether ANYBODY but Beat and Shiki were able to remember him)

three years he could've spent with his new friends

three years of physical touch and interaction with living humans

the rest of his already ruined health and sanity

And this was after the proxy extended his friendship and good will to Joshua, despite him being unable to forgive the atrocities committed against him during those initial weeks of the game.

This begs the question, "Is Joshua a good person?"

Well, I wouldn't say he's a great one. I'm personally not so fond of those who perform genocide as a silly thought experiment, and I don't think most people are either--however, in the context of the game, this doesn't feel true. It does not feel true that Joshua wanted to kill, or was at least ambivalent about killing, 203,500 people in one swoop. Joshua's definitely supposed to be annoying, a bit disturbing, and NOT the good guy, but he also doesn't feel like a genocidal maniac within the context of the story. He feels like an annoying little bitch, and that's for the very important reason that he needs to reasonably be comparable to Neku Sakuraba, his proxy.

Part 1: Sides of the Same Coin

Neku Sakuraba was a boy who had closed himself fully off from the world before his involvement in the Reaper's Game. He had no friends, nor did he want any, as he was under the false impression that humanity had literally nothing to offer him; to Neku, people were burdens he was forced to bear and obstacles to weather through in order to live a peaceful life. This makes him the perfect proxy for Joshua at the start of TWEWY, because Joshua was operating on nearly the exact same axis of thinking. Humanity had nothing to offer him. He thought himself above it, so he felt no real remorse at the idea of making them all go away.

The way that the two of them differ, however, is that Neku was essentially being untruthful with himself in order to maintain his fragile worldview. It took less than a full week with a kind person for his ideology to start crumbling around him. This only continued to happen when he was confronted with someone who hated people, a boy exactly like him, in week 2. Neku's time with Joshua was fraught with conflict, manipulated actions and memories, and confrontation with the existential horror of needless cruelty. It served to show that he was already displacing himself from the niche he'd wanted to fit into. Neku no longer worked as a real, proper proxy to Joshua once he started to open up to others and expand his thinking. This was only cemented when Neku started his third week learning about acts of selflessness, first with Joshua's "sacrifice", then with Beat's act of true mercy, benefiting nobody but Neku himself. Neku could no longer be a proxy to a murderer. Through Beat's actions (and Joshua's perceived death), he learned the value of human life--why someone he didn't even get along with would put himself in danger just to make sure Neku had a fighting chance.

Neku was like Joshua, but he was able to start seeing the humanity in others after spending time with only one of them. Neku is what happens when someone like Joshua deconstructs their worldview at its core, opens up to new people, makes friends, and truly gets to know them. That's the first half of the foil. In order to complete this foil, Joshua is what happens when someone like Neku does not deconstruct their worldview. While Neku was learning an ideology of trust and mutual benefit, Joshua was still viewing everything as transactional, up until the very end. He crushed what little was left of Neku's trust by proposing the shootout at the end of the game--also taking Shiki and Beat for good measure--then asked the boy he'd been emotionally and physically manipulating for weeks to kill him.

When Neku put down his gun, he was displaying an ultimate act of selflessness. Not because he thought Joshua was deserving, as he admitted through his own words that he didn't forgive Joshua for what was done to him, but because he wanted to trust that Joshua could change.

Neku had the maturity at that point to realize that he and Joshua were fundamentally the same: neither of them understood why people bothered to help each other, but Neku, crucially, had been offered a way out through Shiki, Beat, Rhyme, and a number of other side characters. At the end of the first game, Neku had learned all he needed to know about why humanity was worth saving. He even tried to extend a hand to Joshua in spite of his deep hurt, asking him to come meet him and his friends at Hachiko for a second chance. But Joshua didn't take this invitation. And by refusing his second chance, Joshua's foil with Neku was completed, leading him to a life of literal inhuman detachment as an angel.

Now, how does Neku feel about his act of mercy being rejected?

Part 2: A New Day

During the events of A New Day, we get to see Neku after an indeterminable amount of time since the Game ended, at least more than one week and less than one year. There are a few important things that get established on this day:

Neku regularly sees Beat, or at least has seen him recently, not commenting on any long separation when they get inexplicably paired up for a game

Beat has a very negative view of Joshua, exclaiming "Priss Kid!? Lemme at 'im!" when his name is first mentioned

Neku does not have major qualms about this behavior, only responding with "Wh-whoa, slow down."

When having memories of his first death, Neku's face is dark, implying that he has no fond recollection of the incident

It is implied that Neku and Beat have not seen Joshua at all since the end of the Game

Beat calls Joshua a whack-job, and Neku again has no problem with or comment on it

Beat is rude and confrontational towards Joshua during their entire conversation, and Neku has no reaction to any of it, implying his silent approval

Immediately upon returning to the RG, Neku makes plans with Shiki to hang out, and chats lightly with Beat, but shows no concern for the whereabouts of Joshua

When Neku is shot by Coco, the camera first pans to Joshua's gun, NOT Coco's, mimicking an episode of PTSD from Neku's perspective

In short, we can see what Neku is like in a world without Joshua's continued presence... and it appears that he's doing fine, minus the lingering pain of a traumatic incident. He hangs out with his friends. He talks to them, or at least to Beat, enough for him to know that Joshua has majorly wronged him. Beat's anger can be extrapolated as protective, and his anger towards Joshua is treated by both of them as justified. Neku has told Beat enough about his death and partnership with Joshua for it to be old news--old news that Beat is sympathetic about to the point of wanting to immediately wail on the angel at the first mention of his name.

So, how did Neku feel about Joshua after the first game? Based off this information, it seems like Neku had been willing to befriend Joshua for real--but treated it as a missed opportunity. He moved on with his life as normally as possible given the circumstances, and even began to consider his time with Joshua to be somewhat traumatic, at least enough that was willing to pour his feelings about it out to Beat at some point. And this, keep in mind, is before the reckoning.

Part 3: Isolation and Desolation

Isolation does funny things to people's heads. According to this article published by the Prison Policy Initiative, people who go through extended isolation or solitary confinement often experience significant changes in memory and personality; changes that are mostly permanent. It's so damaging to memory in particular that isolation physically shrinks the part of the brain that plays the biggest role in memory after too long without human interaction, and this point comes much sooner than many people realize: after only fifteen consecutive days. Beyond the sixteenth day, forced isolation is considered by the UN to be a type of psychological torture.

Neku was subjected to this torture for three consecutive years.

No breaks, no visitors, no living people. Neku was in isolation for three entire years, waiting for Joshua or anyone else to release him.

Knowing about the effects of isolation on personality, it's easy to see the ways that Neku has changed when he returns to Shibuya after his time away. Despite being warm and amicable, seemingly all smiles, it's immediately obvious to players of the original TWEWY that his personality is lacking something important--that being the trademark snarkiness that made him such a compelling narrator. He has his moments of course, but for the most part, he's very different from how he was as a young teenager. He's soft-spoken with everyone and is mostly content to trail behind Beat as he catches up on the things he'd missed in his time away. He takes less action than he used to. He's less blunt. Considering all that was happening at the time, it makes sense that Neku wasn't too talkative about his own problems, but he hardly mentions anything at all about the place he spent three years being fully, completely isolated in. He even lies to the Twisters about knowing who put him there in the first place. Neku is clearly... off. And I bet that not all of it is unintentional on the part of the developers.

A thing that we in the TWEWY fandom joke about a lot is that Neku keeps befriending his murders, but to be fair, this is actually a bit of a non-point when you think about the fact that Neku has gone through a massive, relentless trauma of total isolation. After being by himself in Shinjuku for so long, he was probably desperate enough to talk to someone for his memories of anyone to start shifting, to give him literally anything to hold onto in an attempt to keep himself alive. This is compounded with the fact that time also changes one's own perception of past traumas. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that his memory of the time before his isolation would be hazy and hard to grasp, and this goes double for anything before the Game. He remembers the important bits--the people who inspired him, the intimate moments they shared, the fear and uncertainty that plagued those weeks--but he remembers everything in its vague emotional constructs, and some of those emotions smudge onto each other. So, when he sees Joshua in NEO, he smiles.

I'm not saying that Neku is literally remembering everything improperly, but I am saying that his recollection of the Game is colored by the fact that it was the last time that he'd been with people before he was isolated. He sees his time there as more nostalgic because it was the "before" to his "after". Neku is happy to see anybody from his past at this moment; he's reeling from the experience of suddenly being around them again. Combined with Neku's general dislike for unnecessary conflict (lying to the Twisters & not telling Beat about Coco, both to avoid making a scene), and also being in the middle of something too important to be derailed with petty fighting, he decides to take Joshua's sudden appearance as comforting. He's not necessarily happy to see Joshua anymore than he's just happy to see somebody that he knows.

This is a huge contrast with how we see him thinking about Joshua in A New Day, in which nearly every mention of him is treated as negative or neutral by both Neku and Beat alike. The expected thing for Neku to do here would be to first act surprised, then roll his eyes or make an annoyed sound. But instead, he smiles and allows Joshua to stay before returning to the task at hand. Why is he glad to see the man who killed him and then rejected his friendship? Well, that's because he isn't really, or at least not to the extent that a lot of fanon content would have you believe. It only looks like that if you don't compare how he interacts with Joshua to the way he interacts with Shiki and Beat.

Neku's reunion with Beat is one of the most beautiful cutscenes in the game, full of warm light and soft expressions:

Their eyes meet, and they grasp hands, coming together in a shower of golden bubbles and sparkles. It's pure magic.

As for Neku's reunion with Shiki, it's less spectacular, but appropriately emotional and sweet:

Meanwhile, Joshua gets introduced like this:

The difference is obvious. Joshua gets almost no fanfare from the narrative, not even receiving some sort of special animation or character sprite for the moment. And though Neku does eventually crack a smile, his initial reaction is stunned and doesn't change until the whole dialogue is through. He smiles a little right after he says "Not at all, partner".

"Partner" is the word that's the most important to this reading. Neku smiles after he affirms Joshua as his partner--someone he knew and briefly traveled with before his extended isolation in Shinjuku. E.g., someone he placed trust in. Someone he used to speak to after years of not speaking to anyone. Essentially, even though Neku had little to do with Joshua after the events of the Game, and definitely doesn't get along with him... he also does want to trust him, which runs directly counter to the moment that Joshua admits he didn't trust Neku enough to release him from Shinjuku. Neku's memories are warped by years of being so fully alone that it changed his whole manner of speaking and interacting with the world. Of course he clings to a familiar face and voice, if only for a moment.

But here's exactly where that moment ends:

Neku immediately loses that smile from earlier, confronting Joshua with a deadpan expression.

He asks Joshua about a couple of loose ends. Then, when Joshua mentions that he had plans to intervene if Neku and his friends were unable to do anything, he smiles again and he asks to go home. At this point, his grand reunion with Joshua has been completed: now he knows that Joshua has little visible remorse about what he's done, but at least he also has confirmation that Joshua had been planning some kind of backup in case Neku wasn't able to pull through. Neku's demeanor was largely uncomfortable and stiff until the moment that he realized it was all going to be okay. It was only after Joshua mentioned that he would've saved the city anyway that he truly relaxed--he does trust Joshua at his word, after all. And then he decides to go home, back to Shiki and Beat, the way he'd been wanting to.

Part 4: Conclusion

Neku and Joshua's relationship is like a rubix cube: a question with a simple answer, but a method of solving so complex that the majority of people who pick it up will never finish the puzzle. Most TWEWY fans do what humans do best and slap a romantic label on it, but I think doing that and ignoring some of the other dimensions to their relationship does a bit of a disservice to the way that Neku was treated by Joshua throughout the series, regardless of whatever his true intentions may have been. It's fair to say that Neku, Shiki, and Beat are best friends--if not something much stronger--just based off the way they interact, particularly with the beautiful mundane moments we get to see between Beat and Neku in NEO as party members.

On the other hand, for Joshua, his moments are few and far in between after the original game ends, but his presence is still a lingering thread throughout Neku's life that forces him to reckon with himself again and again. He could've been like him. He didn't end up that way, and so they can't truly be close. Neku wants to remember him fondly. For a moment, he does, until he remembers who was the warden for his years-long imprisonment. They are mirrors of each other and they will each haunt each other's actions forever, with Neku as Joshua's guilty conscience and Joshua as Neku's ironic shoulder devil. I don't think they could ever be described as friends, given their history, though I do think that they'll probably meet up for coffee once a year and make incredibly intense eye contact. Neku will silently ask why Joshua did it all, and Joshua will sip from his cup without ever answering the question. Maybe both of them or neither of them truly know.

[weepingpussywillowtree]

To the people asking why they shouldn't use chat gpt and/or calling op a bigot for "discriminating against neurodivergent people" (also, yes goblin tools uses gpt, I see some people confused about that) I am an autistic software engineer here to explain. Here are some of the main reasons people object to AI usage:

1) environmental impact. AI uses a frankly disgusting amount of power and water. It took almost 300,000 kwh to just train chat gpt 3, and enough water to fill a nuclear reactors cooling tower. Some people will argue that only the training is this resource intensive and once the model is trained the damage is already done. This is untrue, as every conversation with chat gpt you have is the equivalent of wasting a large bottle of water and leaving a light on for an hour. Even if it was true, these companies are constantly training and improving existing models, and justifying that cost to their shareholders partially with YOUR use of their tool. And yes, big tech had a water and energy problem long before LLMs, but LLMs are significantly worse and only worsening.

2) it doesn't KNOW anything. This one is more philosophical, but chat gpt is advanced text prediction and arranging. Even researchers themselves are starting to accept that they will never be able to eliminate so called "hallucinations", which is when the model makes something plausible sounding up basically. It is not a "better search engine" because it is not retrieving any factual data, it is generating the most statistically probable results based on its training data, which will sometimes produce a desired output, but sometimes produces flat out nonsense. As well, you have to do your own fact checking. On Google, you can see the source of where something came from and who wrote, and gpt robs you of that context. There is no such thing as bias free, purely factual information unless we're talking incredibly basic questions and the info from chat gpt is basically worthless if it has no sources, no context, no author, and is made up by the model.

3) theft. This one is controversial, some people will argue that if you put something publicly on the Internet you are passively consenting to its use, but if I repost someones article without credit/claiming it as my own, they can still request that that article gets taken down. But the facts are that open AI used a dataset that scraped an absolutely massive amount of Internet data to train their model without asking, and you can get chat gpt to produce chunks of that text, especially in niche topics. For example, the software I work with is relatively niche and if you use chat gpt to get answers to questions about it, it will word for word reproduce some chunks of the actual documentation, mixed in with nonsense and with no accreditation. If you are using chat gpt for homework answers, you are potentially plagiarizing word for word chunks of other people's work.

4) this is one I don't see talked about often, but it's one that I feel is important. BIAS. GPT scraped the internet. Meaning, its word salads are entirely based on people who have internet access, and even more than that, people who post or post frequently on the Internet. That's a really small portion of the whole population. So, do you really want your word salads to have that kind of bias? Especially if you are using them for work or homework?? Wouldn't you rather put your unique, diverse, voice into the world?

Ultimately, using LLMs is an ethical decision you have to make and live with, but you should do it while understanding why people object to them, and also while understanding that the model doesn't know anything, it's like an advanced magic eight ball. Don't just play the victim and refuse to listen to concerns. Or call everyone taking issue with your use a bigot.

[ariesintheshire]

Girlie, I never tried to shame you or invalidate your trauma. Your trauma is valid. I never said otherwise or tried to tell you to be quiet about your experiences. Speak about it to your heart's content, but if he doesn't have a diagnosis, he's not a narcissist.

I'm just here trying to have a conversation and inform from someone who does actually have NPD. I'm not trying to debate over your trauma, because it is real, it is scary, it has affected you.

NPD comes from trauma and a deep deep sense of insecurity, typically paired with paranoia and a whole slew of shitty symptoms. It's a really really hard disorder to live with, your mind is against you constantly and you build a superiority complex to compensate for invalidation and feelings of extreme self worth. People with NPD go through highs and lows all throughout the day from feeling superior to everyone down to feeling absolutely worthless to the point of wanting to die. It sucks so much, there's thoughts we don't want, tempers that are hard to control, feeling disconnected from everyone around us except for a couple exception people who we can show our worst to and confide in. Though not everyone with NPD has exception people, but it's pretty common.

That being said, no, if someone with NPD happens to be abusive, hiding behind their disorder is vile. It doesn't excuse trauma or abuse and I'm not claiming it does. Abuse is a choice and a really shitty one at that. No one wants to be abused or hurt or led on. Your ex was abusive, I'm not claiming otherwise.

My ex would play cruel "pranks" and guilt trip me into forgiving her saying things like "this is why I can't joke with you". She never took accountability, always broke promises, manipulated me, apologized only to repeat behavior, made me feel like I was responsible for her safety and life. I have chronic cortisol issues that I have to take medicine for otherwise I can't eat because of the stress she put me through. It was flat out emotional and mental abuse.

Could I call her a narcissist? I guess, she would fit the demonized mold. But she's not a narcissist, she's not diagnosed. She's a cunt who shouldn't be in any relationship or around people.

Plenty of narcissists won't put themselves in positions of vulnerability, yes, I agree with you on that. It's especially hard for us to open up and be vulnerable for several reasons. But by saying things like "narcissistic abuse" or equating his abuse to being a narcissist, it is generalizing, it is stigmatizing, and it makes it even harder to get help, even if that wasn't the intention, that is what it's doing. I want help, a lot of us want help. But lots of therapists refuse to help us because there's no cure for personality disorders or because of preconceived notions that we're heartless and inhuman. I've seen people say we're robots or possessed by demons which was wild to read.

Terms like "narcissistic abuse" are harmful. Narcissists don't have any special or specific way of abusing, it's emotional, mental, physical, etc. It is abuse, but it's not exclusive to narcissists. If someone had OCD and is abusive, we don't call it "OCD abuse". It's only ever with cluster B personality disorders that get that "[disorder] abuse" label. It does hurt us, it does generalize us. It makes it harder for us to seek the help a lot of us want. It's also not a clinically recognized thing. Abuse is abuse, it doesn't matter what disorders or lack thereof they have.

I read through your posts of things he's said and tbh he just comes off more entitled, abusive, and egotistical than anything from those texts. Obviously I haven't met him or interacted with him, but from those messages, it doesn't read as narcissist to me. He's just a bad person. He's harassing you which isn't okay, it's scary, it's rubbing salt into the open wound.

Things like manipulation, control, gaslighting, those are all things anyone can do, it's not exclusive to narcissists. It's not "narcissistic abuse" it's just abuse. And it's still valid.

Also, lack of empathy and/or sympathy doesn't inherently make someone evil or cruel, I know you didn't claim this, but you lumped it in with abuse which makes it seem like a bad thing. Lacking these things just means we don't feel other's emotions or they don't always register with us and we don't necessarily feel bad for people, but plenty of us are compassionate, we'll still help do things to make people around us feel better if they're upset n stuff.

There's plenty of other words for him that aren't "narcissist" which should be reserved for a diagnosis. Abusive asshole, bastard, cruel, manipulative, egomaniac, jerk, self-absorbed, manchild, harasser, literally anything else, there's plenty of words for people like him that don't hurt and stigmatize a group of marginalized people.

All that said, I do hope you recover and I hope that man stops harassing you and trying to contact you. And I hope you'll see this more from my perspective as well about how claiming someone's a narcissist or using terms like "narcissistic abuse" would be harmful, even if unintentionally so, when they're not diagnosed and just seem like a rageful, egotistical, abusive manchild. And again, not trying to shame you, that was never my intention and I apologize if it came off like that.

I know not everyone with NPD is abusive. But I also know what I went through, and I’m not going to downplay it just because he never got a diagnosis (and, let’s be real, someone like him never would he doesn’t even think he does anything wrong).

I’m not out here saying everyone with NPD is a monster. But I am saying the way he acted with me and with a bunch of other people, fits the definition of narcissistic abuse to a T. I haven’t even shared half of what he did or said, and I don’t need to post all the proof for my experience to be valid. What he put me through was real. And I’m allowed to call it what it is, especially if it helps me make sense of it and move on.

You don’t need a medical degree or a signed document to recognize abuse patterns that line up with narcissism. If a man screams at you, lies constantly, cheats, gaslights, love bombs, refuses accountability, and manipulates every situation to serve himself it is completely valid to describe that as narcissistic abuse. If it walks like a narcissist, talks like a narcissist, love bombs and gaslights like a narcissist…. This isn’t even based off how he treated just me. I’ve witnessed a lot around him and how he treated other people. It’s not like I’m going around saying every toxic ex I’ve had is a narcissist or everyone with a narcissistic trait is actually a narcissist. This one specifically is an undiagnosed narcissist. 110%.

So thank you for explaining your side. I hear you. I also hope you get the support and understanding you need too. But I’m not going to stop speaking up about what I’ve been through just because he’s not diagnosed. I’ve never been diagnosed with anxiety but I absolutely do have it.

[rlljayhon]

5/28/25 - acceptance

[10:12]

Ranielle said no to a date, so did glenna LMAO but thats okay! now that i have exhausted (most of) the girls i was crushing on, it leaves me here just with me, myself and i. and thats a good thing, bc holy shit do i need me time! besides gaming i do not really do anything for ME yknow? 2 days ago i played the uke in the backyard for like 2 hours and it felt really good! i did get into a fight with stella and i dont think im gonna be her friend anymore bc of it, like i have never not gotten along with someone more in my entire life, its quite the anomaly!

but besides that yesterday was great! had a very nice talk with jaz and re, and they both helped me find therapists to call :) and then we took my grad pics at nickel nickel

(i have adhd i just spent 5 mins mid thought bc i sent juan a sappy appreciation text thread)

after nickel nickel i got beers with juan and jaime and the op martha and it was just so much fun! i really get it when ppl say like yeah surround urself with the people who love you and you love yknow

clocking back in [10:58] (i ate breakfast outside)

ummm yeah i guess to get to the meat n potatoes i think i have to cut off amira! or at least see them like only when i need to/ have to! i do think its unfair that amira didnt tell me raph is actually moving to anaheim, but also i think its unfair that re told me and i know

anyways yeah looking back it just really feels like amira didnt care about my feelings all too much, they led me on, brought raph around to an event he didnt NEED to be at, and idk

also after talking with isaac and layla i have realized i simply give out too much love, i dont have to give less, i just need to be more selective, so i need to stop giving love to this person who did not give it to me! i think my trauma in this is that i always felt like i have to keep giving more and more of myself to finally get amira to want me, but they kept postponing or leaving breadcrumbs blah blah blah

i still just cant believe they moved on just like that yknow, it really made me feel like nothing and worthless and something to just be tossed away or kept on the sidelines

um my train of thought is gone

oh yeah i felt like bc we are in the same org and have the same friend group i HAD to continue to be their friend and i realized that it is just not sustainable! i need to have the time to process and be angry and upset and take of my rose tinted glasses about amira bc im sure they do but it really just feels like they didnt care as much as i did!

it also is really annoying that they hate confrontation and im all about that shit! i think amira is also having a hard time processing that they hurt me so badly but it is what it is

they once said they felt like they had to choose between being my friend and being with raph, and they made their choice! so like they like him SOOOO much they think it was worth to lose my friendship over!

i guess i just overestimated my importance in my best friends life

so yeah i just cannot believe around them anymore

i muted them on IG so i wont see any of their posts for a while

idk if we will be friends again

but honestly im not gonna put much more effort in bc i quite literally gave 120% of myself and look at where it got me

overall i just wish they were more considerate of my feelings bc they did and said so many things that hurt me even after we ended things and im tired of it and cannot call a person like that my best friend :/

[11:11] ~

[blackcoffeestained]

How Unfortunately Familiar

It’s been a long while, and I’m back to this blog. What would be an exciting statement were it not for the context that led me back to these digital pages; writing in my bed at 5:50 am instead of breathing deeply to the ebb and flow of a well developed dream.

The unfortunate context I’m speaking of has two parts really. And although they exist on opposite ends of a spectrum, they are outrageously and unforgivingly linked. Is “unforgivingly” a word?

Part 1: Men

Ugh, I know, fantastic. Another young woman’s blog post about the troubles of men. Skip it then.

My turmoil with men primarily exists within me, but has substantial external elements and catalysts.

The external: I get way too much attention from the wrong guys for the wrong reasons. Older men, specifically, seem to have a very strong affinity for me. Maybe because I come across as a youthful, free-spirited adult rather than the (barf) mature 19 year old that I am. Italian men especially seem to find me irresistible. These qualities (older, italian) in themselves are not an issue in the slightest, but the older men who find me are always off. I don’t know how to describe it but it’s not ok. I’m not ok around it anymore. It’s been happening for too long and I always brush it off as comical or flattering or pitiful. Now I just find it fucking depressing. On the other side of things; boys born within my own generation who I actually like have a habit of falling for me so fast & hard that they seem to hit the ground hard enough to lose the ability to fucking text back. I’ve had so many what-ifs this semester its not even funny. And I don’t even seek it out. The young boys come to me full of fucking piss & vinegar and then when I come around to reciprocating they take their preliminary win and go off to La La Land. Or wherever it is that cell service & follow throughs don’t exist.

Essentially I am yanked between two forms of small men. The aged, and the juvenile.

The Internal: All of this causes me to feel as though the entirety of my value lies in the way I look. My personality as well, but only until I drop the word “platonic” into the conversation. Like they’re searching for a pixie dream girl of sorts and when I shatter the sex-coloured glasses they don’t give a fuck about the un-romantically tinted world before them. I feel desired and worthless simultaneously.

Part 2: Food

I have an eating disorder. I also fall into self-destructive spirals when I feel numb or lost or bored. Not the most uplifting peas in a pod.

I have been eating. So much. And then not eating at all. And then eating just a little because I “deserve it” after having starved for so long; and the floodgates open. I start with a harmless uplifting treat and end at 5:50 in the morning with a stomach full of vending machine snacks, sneakily stolen bites from my roommates’ cupboards, a food delivery order, and a run to the nearby 24hr market. And the worst part will come tomorrow when I’ll feel fucking huge but still end the day craving another “harmless uplifting treat”.

This cycle is far more terrifying than the intense starvation I used to put myself through.

I don’t know why. Not explicitly. I really don’t. But I think it may have something to do with the inappropriate male attention I have been subjected to throughout most of my life. If I don’t feel or look well enough to go out, I can’t possibly be prayed upon. And if I feel like I don’t want any boy I even remotely like to see me, then I won’t feel sad when the cute boys don’t reply. Who knows, but I think this may be… something.

Maybe I should take up poetry.

My laptop is near dead from the extraordinary amount of not homework I used it for tonight, but i do want to end on an accurate note. Which calls for far more positivity.

I adore this city, and school, and my friends, and my cozy bed, and the view from my window, and the experiences I have here. I am so grateful, but so so confused. And the confusion, or boredom, or numbness, or recklessness that brews within me scares the living crap out of me. Because that can’t be me; but if it isn’t me, who is it? But if it is me, is that distorted being really who I am? But if it isn’t who I really am, why have I been feeding this part of myself for the past 9 years?

Maybe a dream will clarify something.

It’s something to be back.

*post from october 14, 2024

[majesticaldiscomfort]

How I imagine this old conversation would go if mom and I had it again this year

(Basically had a theoretical argument based on past arguments in my head and decided to put it in text form.)

"You should go outside and make friends!"

Where would I make friends outside? The post office that's barely used anymore? The dinky and now-abandoned movie theater that you worked at in high school 30-something years ago? Or maybe the local Starbucks where everybody clearly does not want to talk to anyone? I don't even like coffee. I guess I could make friends with my therapist, I'm sure that counts.

"But you really need friends!"

Correct, everyone needs friends. And I need the friends I already have to continue being my friends.

"What friends? The people you talk to on that confounded internet aren't real friends!"

They're more "real" than the one "friend" I had in high school who randomly started defaming me to the rest of the school, resulting in me being even more ostracized than I already was.

"It wasn't fair that she put you through that."

True, but I wasn't able to make friends up until I met her my senior year. She definitely made things worse, but I was already socially crippled before she made it worse, I wouldn't have been able to make in-person friends with or without her influence.

"What are you talking about? You were friends with that one Mexican girl in elementary school."

...The girl that never contacted us again after she went back to Mexico to live with her parents, despite us giving her our phone numbers, emails, and mailing address? And when I came to you crying because I realized as an adult that something horrible might have happened to her, you told me she was only my friend because you bribed her to stop bullying me?

"...I never said that..."

Just like how you never called me autistic as an insult despite never having me assessed when I clearly needed assistance, just like how you never threw out most of my identical black t-shirts and replaced them with hyper-girly blouses, just like how you didn't call me worthless when I was too suicidally depressed to stop sobbing on the couch and come help you pull weeds, just like how you didn't tear apart my bedroom because I wasn't packing for a trip fast enough and then take my phone away until I gave you my Facebook password so you could delete the image I posted of your aftermath.

That was my attempt at sarcasm, by the way. I'm notoriously bad at it, just like how I'm bad at putting up with being mistreated and then lied to my face about it.

"You're getting out of line, that was too far."

Oh, I went too far? After everything you've done to me, listing things you've gaslit me about is "too far?"

"I was just trying to give you advice, this conversation was supposed to be about you going and making real friends like a normal person!"

I do have real friends, mom. Some are across the US, some are in Canada. I have friends from every continent except antarctica, and I have a feeling my friend from college is going to change that in a few years.

"Sure, but will any of them be willing to fly out to come to your wedding?"

I actually want to host the ceremony in Minecraft, so I can build a custom venue and not waste money on a physical location. That way, all my friends will be able to join! I'm pretty sure almost everyone I know at least has a Minecraft account, and if one or two don't have an account, $30 each for a handful of wedding guests isn't too much out of my way. It's way cheaper than renting an in-person venue and hiring decorators and a cake maker...

*with abject horror* "You can't do that to me."

I... can't plan my wedding with my partner the way I want? They want this too...

"I want to be able to attend your wedding!"

And you can. You just need a Minecraft account, and to install Minecraft on one of your laptops.

"You know what I mean! I want to be there in person. Not on the imaginary video game crap."

Mom. When I was growing up, imagination was my only respite from reality. Reality is, and for most of my life always has been, hell. It only got enjoyable when my partner let me move in. I, like most of my friends as well as my partner, am neurodivergent. You always demanded I be a part of your world, without ever trying to be a part of mine.

You can't and won't force me to plan my and my partner's wedding the way you want it. I'm going to live my own life from now on, regardless of whether or not you choose to participate. I hope that you will participate, even after everything, but I'm not going to bend to your will to make it happen anymore.

Realistically, she would have cut the conversation short or interrupted me before I could say anything meaningful. But that's what creative writing is for, right? To present a better reality than the one I actually live in.

[xiafeng]

hey i wanna stay anon but i enjoy reading your posts. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. You are enough. <3

Thank you for your kind words, anon. But maybe I don't deserve that happiness. I've hurt people that were close to me, lied, been greedy, manipulative, and cold. I made my life complicated when it didn't need to be, instead of focusing on me and my own; as they say, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Now, my heart is twisted and turned in on itself. And instead of focusing on putting my broken life back together due to all this, I find my heart and head wandering to things they shouldn't, and quite frankly, things that don't even matter anymore. Would you happen to know, anon, how to convince your heart to let go of something that never was? A figment of my imagination, pieced together through late-night messages and sad songs in playlists?

I guess I'll just continue to fake my smile, and hopefully I'll eventually forget that I'm faking it at all. And in those few times that I'm genuinely happy, try to hyper-fixate on that happiness rather than let my mind continue to wander to that dark, empty place in the back of my mind and at the bottom of my heart, and ruin the moment with that overflowing despair and numbness. Continue to keep myself busy, so that my mind is too occupied to be left to its own devices. Explore more way of altering myself so that every time I look in the mirror, it's someone everyone, or at least I myself, can't recognize, in the vain attempt to distance myself, even physically, from everything that transpired.

But I can't shake the dreadful fear of accidentally bumping into people who were present in that past of which I'm trying to escape. I fearfully anticipate the instant heart-rushing palpitations, that momentary freezing of time, as everything fades away, leaving the two of us suspended in emotional Limbo.

Throughout all this turmoil, I realized that I actually missed funneling my thoughts and feelings into text, and looking back at my past writings, I had the unfortunate experience of acknowledging that my personal composition skills had degraded beyond recognition. So, until the point that I can breathe without this crushing weight perpetually pushing down on my chest, I guess lucky for you, anon, as this means I'll probably be making more posts here for you to read. Honestly, though, I had no idea anyone at all still spent their precious time meandering through my writings, which always felt like they were worthless to anyone aside from myself, so thank you for sharing that there's someone other than myself peering into my maelstrom of thoughts and feelings. You're always welcome amongst these stormy seas.

[letterex-fyofm]

ty for the tag @mallgothyamaguchi! ILYSM

warning: there will be a lot of text in this post because i can't keep my mouth shut (or my hands still)

That One Fuck™ (aka: fav haikyuu character):

mmm, i wonder who could it be?? 🤔🤔

Funnily enough, at first I hated Yamaguchi and Tsukishima with my whole being. Like, fuck them, why are they so mean? I did think too that Yamaguchi was spineless. And I was like, always annoyed when he and Tsukishima would appear on the screen.

I thnk they were meant to be unlikeable at first. It's practically impossible to like Tsukki at first, even Tadashi gets weirded out when Tsukki's so damn rude at their meeting with Hinata and Kageyama. And Yamaguchi...

There's actually a CD drama where Kageyama admits that his first impression of Tadashi was that he was Tsukki's cheerleader, and nothing else. Furudate wrote his character with that in mind. But as the story progresses, much as Hinata learns that volleyball is not all about spiking, much as Kageyama learns that setting is not all about the setter, much as Tsukki learns that volleyball is not all about winning always--we learn that Tadashi is not all about Tsukki.

He went for Shimada, a total stranger, to teach him how to fight. It's funny, because I've been in Tadashi's situation before. Years ago, I liked volleyball but was much worse than everyone else. I felt worthless, so I quit. And that's how most people approach things they can't do well: they quit.

Tsukki, the supposedly "cooler" one, quit himself.

But Tadashi did not.

And he failed oh so many times. The match with Ahoba Josai hurt bad enough, but the Wakutani match hurt as hell. So, when Tadashi finally achieved to do a serve ace--that was the moment he became the coolest Haikyuu character for me.

Maybe because everyone else is like a concept, and we can't all become monsters like Hinata or Kageyama. And we don't have the body of Aone or Tsukki to fight. Most of us are pretty average, just like Tadashi. But Tadashi has the strength and the courage to make himself count.

Few stories have impacted me as much as his. And I have never loved a character as much as I love Tadashi. I might be a bit biased when I say his character development was the best on the series--nah, I'm def biased.

But seeing how human he is and yet how awesome and cool he is, how good of a friend, how cool as a player--he made a great captain, I'm sure.

FAV ROMANTIC AND FRIENDLY SHIP

OMG ANOTHER DIFFICULT ONE 😯😯😯which will it be?? 🤔🤔🤔

I love when Furudate does this with these two. In so many instances have they known what the other was thinking. Tadashi's job is to help Karasuno score points. Wether it be by a serve ace or by helping Tsukki to block the spikers. But, when Tadashi is serving in that Shiratorizawa match, the one with the focus is Tsukki. Tadashi is trying to help Tsukki.

And Tsukki knows this. And he trusts Tadashi to be that help he needs. Not only for blocking, not only for volleyball--but for life itself. When has Tadashi not been there for him? He was there when Kei realised Akiteru had lied to him. He was there when Kei closed off, when he slacked off during volleyball because it was "just a club", when everyone said he was a waste of height and smarts, when he doubted of himself after winning the Shiratorizawa match--always there.

But this time, at the Nekoma match, Tadashi's serve apparently doesn't shake Nekoma as much as we wishes it would have. It's not enough. He wanted to help Tsukki more. Just like when he yelled at Tsukishima and asked him about pride and motivation--just for Tsukishima to go to third-gym.

Not enough, he might think. Others say it too, that the ones who really got Tsukishima to put an effort to be the monster he is now was Kuroo, Bokuto, Hinata, Kageyama--and they are all right.

But who got him moving was Tadashi. It started with Tadashi and it ended with him with that culmination of their interjoined arcs with that point.

Yamaguchi was the one who got Kei moving, and for him, "that was plenty."

it is so quick yet they still think of each other--and to gain the point, of course. But the serve and block combo was one of those points that equaled to 100 points.

And Furudate makes it so clear to us. Because, after scoring, they are not thinking about volleyball. They are not thinking of Nekoma or Karasuno or whatever. They are thinking about each other. How they started, and how they are right now. This is not something about volleyball, this is something about them. Them as friends, them as best friends, them as people who chose to stick together.

And, even after high school and into adulthood, they still have decided to stick together.

Don't care what anyone says. They are the real kindred spirits.

UNDERRATED CHARACTER AND UNDERRATED RELATIONSHIP

I'm not saying anything else, I have yapped enough for today--SIKE

It's crazy to me that people don't remember his name. He's just...like the best teacher someone could have. Remember, Tadashi was not paying him to teach him the jump float serve. It was all for free and Shimada spent his time teaching this kid he doesn't know how to build a weapon of his own.

And he cares so much? And it is just so...wholesome how proud he is every time Yamaguchi succeeds--not only on the court but as a person.

He reminds me so much to the way Akiteru boasts about Kei? Like, he always finds the way to brag about his disciple--which, honestly, who wouldn't? TADASHI IS COOL!

RANDOM HEADCANON(s)

Yamaguchi is an only child but has such an extensive family--he has cousins all over the place. He's like the middle cousin, between adults that are engaged and infants that are barely learning to speak.

Tadashi has definitely told everything about Shimada to Tsukki, and everything about Tsukki to Shimada. So much so Makoto knows what they did for Tsukki's thirteen birthday while Kei knows what Shimada says to encourage Tadashi every single day. When they are together, it's so awkward because they know each other so well yet they have literally spoken like less than fifty words.

Shimada and Akiteru ship Tsukkiyama. I don't make the rules. It's just the way Tadashi talks about Tsukki and the way Tsukki tried to act cool in front of Tadashi when they were getting to know each other.

Haikyuu!! ask game ♡

Bc these r so cute and i always get happy when someone tags me in one of these so i wanted to make one lol. Reblog with:

That One Fuck™ (aka: fav haikyuu character)

Fav romantic ship

Fav friendship

Underrated character

Underrated relationship (romantic or otherwise)

A random hq headcanon

Tag a few friends/mutuals!

Hope you're all having a nice day, stay safe ♡♡♡

[anrieee]

⇝ 19 - (✍︎) i hate you

Scara’s smile faded as fast as it appeared when he saw you with the guy you posted about on Twitter. He thinks his name was Thomas or something, it didn’t matter, really. Were you on a date with this guy? The thought made his whole being tingle with bitterness and that was evident with the scowl he adorned. But that was how he usually looked anyways, always frowning or straight-faced.

“Kuni~” The annoyingly high-pitched voice that Tin used made his frown deeper, but it also brought him back from his thoughts.

For a moment he forgot that he was here on a date with the unpleasant female. Thinking of being on a date with Tin made him just as upset as he did when he thought of you being on a date with someone else.

“Are you done yet?” He seethed.

“Hm, not yet.” Scara wasn’t sure if Tin can’t read the room or she just ignored that he obviously didn’t wanna be there. “I still need to buy some new stuff from Gucci, some of my clothes are outdated now.”

“Spoiled brat.” Scara muttered under his breath.

Tin tried to drag Scara with her into the store, but he stayed rooted in his spot. Tin looked back towards him, tilting her head in confusion. “Are you not gonna come with me inside?”

“No.” Scara stated firmly and Tin just shrugged. Scara wanted to at least say hi to you.

He started to make his way towards you and the guy you were with. He didn’t know what to say to you, all he wanted was to hear your voice.

“Y/n, hi!” He called out from behind you.

You visibly flinch and turned around in shocked, “Scara? What’s up?”

“I’m here on a date.” He said. He didn’t know what possessed him to say that, but something in him wanted to see how you would react. Er— more specifically, he wanted to see you jealous.

Your eyebrows raise ever so slightly and you shifted uncomfortably. After that, you didn’t seem to show any more reactions seemingly having shut them down. You smiled at him in a way that didn’t reach your eye, “I see. I’m here spending some time with Thoma. I hope you’re enjoying your time with Tin, I’ll see you later.” And with that you quickly turn around and drag the guy with you.

“Who was that?”

“Scaramouche.”

Thoma raised his eyebrows at you, “Are you guys exes?”

“Kinda.”

“Do you like him?”

“I don’t like him at all.” Due to your previous interaction with Scara, your words came out colder than you expected. And unbeknownst to you, Scara had heard the statement loud and clear. In his mind, the way you said it seemed like you actually hated his gut.

“Damn, your tone sounded really harsh. You’re totally je—” Thoma’s voice faded as Scara’s thoughts became louder.

‘They hate you.’

‘Shut up.’

‘Only natural since you’re an inconsiderate asshole.’

‘Shut. Up.’

‘I told you everyone leaves eventually.’ It laughed at Scara and mocked him.

‘They don’t like you enough to stay with you.’

‘Let me rephrase that, they hate you and they finally decided that they couldn’t put up with you anymore. Worthless and annoying.’

‘You’re a handful.’

‘All you do is be a burden. You’re useless. This is why no one actually likes you.’

And Scaramouche spiralled down deeper into the darkness of his mind.

Deeper and

deeper

and deeper.

He felt like he was drowning and he let it happen. He didn’t try to swim up. All he did was lay there limply, like a marionette whose strings had been cut.

He didn’t remember what he did after that. He only remembered the emptiness he felt as he was lost in his mind and the anger. Anger towards himself, you, and everything. And he vividly remembered the impulse he had to text you. To hurt you as much as your words had hurt him.

just a hater — [ prev | masterlist | next ]

Synopsis: In which you major in astronomy and scaramouche is the biggest astronomy hater (in your eyes). What happens when someone confesses their feelings for you, and you not knowing how to handle affections, suddenly blurt out that you are already taken. By who? Well, scaramouche of course.

a/n: was planning on posting this during christmas but eh

taglist: @lovelyiez @linn-a-a @one-offmind @itsyourgirlria @beriiov @kunikuzushiit @bubiblossom @jiminscarmex @starfruiitzz @baelloraa @bleedingwhiteroses222 @zanashair @criminalinthemaking @dee-zbignuts @shizunxie @lxry-chxn @mangobee @sukunasrealgf @reverse-iak @monochromaticelliot @scaranaris-lil-niko @zannivrs @lovely-scaramouchie @ireallylikehamsters @angryhope @monaypo1 @diiucsion @shirmxie @pooonyo @ladyv1n @thenightsflower @aerinrin @suzukara @lfgceo @st0pthatsgay @elysiasbae @saoiirsee @kairxse @prefesro @purpl3bo1 @l-l-u-x-x @otomegame-oneshots @mcryv @kunikuzushisbeloved (?) @cupids-chamber @justawalkingdisaster @scaraapologist @elakari @nicole-inyourhouse @hishui @loveroftheoldestdream @doppoluvbot @crowbird @lunavixia @mirology

[sokkastyles]

Another thing I've been seeing more and more of that just isn't supported by the actual show is the idea that Zuko needs to "realize" that Azula worked hard to get where she is, and not only is this victim blaming because it ignores how both Ozai and Azula treated Zuko as a scapegoat, it's also simply not true.

Zuko is the one in the text who believes in working hard, while Azula believes in superiority through inherent ability.

I often see people quoting Zuko's line about how everything came easy to Azula and their father said she was born lucky as evidence of Zuko's "jealousy" of Azula's hard work and skill, and how he needs to realize how much pressure she was under, but those people are forgetting what Zuko says right after that.

I don't need luck, though. I don't want it. I've always had to struggle and fight, and that's made me strong. That's made me who I am.

Zuko rejects the belief Ozai tried to enforce about being born lucky. He of course still struggles with it, because he's a kid and being told repeatedly by adults that you are inherently worthless is a hard thing to combat without internalizing. Zuko struggles with assuming that he can't generate lightning because it blows up in his face, "like everything always does." Throughout his journey, he learns to embrace working hard, learning and growing to overcome those mental blocks.

But to say that Azula, in comparison, has a better understanding of hard work is just wrong. What Zuko says about struggling and fighting actually is similar to what Azula says about Long Feng.

I can see your whole history in your eyes. You were born with nothing, so you've had to struggle, and connive, and claw your way to power. But true power, the divine right to rule, is something you're born with.

Azula ultimately disdains the idea of having to struggle to achieve things, and says that true power is something you are born with.

This isn't just an Azula vs Zuko thing, this is a major theme of the story and part of what leads to Azula's ultimate downfall. While Zuko works hard and grows not just in ability but his worldview, adapting and becoming a better person in the process, Azula's worldview narrows in her need to prove her own inherent perfection, which causes her to become more myopic and end up alone.

From the beginning of the story, we see Azula trying to get others to bend to her, even trying to argue against the very tides themselves because of her unwillingness to believe in anything less than her own inherent right. This is also similar to the way other Fire Nation characters show a myopic view of the world that leads them towards megalomania, like Zhao attempting to destroy the moon in pursuit of his own greatness. Both he and Azula think they can defy nature because of their own need to prove themselves powerful. Zuko tries this, too, in "The Storm," and learns one of many lessons about humility and working with others. Azula fails to learn these lessons.

So it's not Zuko who needs to learn this by the end of the series, and especially not from Azula.

I think it's also telling that these people never talk about how much pressure Zuko was under to try and prove he wasn't worthless, and I think that's because by the end, Zuko has realized his own worth, but Azula is still desperately trying to cling to the belief in her own superiority. She's the only one who can relieve that pressure she's putting on herself because she can't let go of the idea that she's not better than other people, and it is not on the people she hurt to try and make her feel better about herself, when she still thinks she's superior to them.

Moreover, I find it very hard to believe that post series Azula would even accept any offer of sympathy from Zuko. This is another example of something Zuko learned in the series that Azula did not, as Iroh says. Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. Azula's belief in her own superiority is, of course, a coping mechanism as a result of very low self-esteem, but she needs to figure out how to deal with that in a way that isn't hurting others. What she doesn't need is constant validation from people she victimized and reinforcement of the same toxic beliefs.

[setsuntamew]

Okay. I just have to know what "legknives & the wall" is.

Ahhhh absolutely, it's something I've been picking at on and off for the past month OwO It's based somewhat on reading this post and having it roll around in my head for awhile and then somehow, it turned into angsty fanfic- as one does.

There’s an impenetrable wall between them, reaching high, high above the surface of their wretched planet and into the heavens, cutting through the stars and the debris and perhaps every other planet out there: an insurmountable force that is more than anything else in existence. And it’s so much less. How little would things have to change to shift even just one brick in the foundation? How little would it have to shift for it to come tumbling down, burying them and every worthless creature sharing this barren rock? How much would it take? How little would it take? How little would they have to change and how much would they lose the core of who they are as people, as beings, as anything? Legato cannot imagine an existence where Millions Knives is not his entire existence. Legato Bluesummers exists because of Knives’s divine mercy and would be nothing without Knives; Legato Bluesummers is his devotion and every complication that entails. He will follow Knives until the end of time if he demands it and he will worship whatever Knives is and whatever he does. But— But he cannot imagine a life that is not this. He cannot imagine a life where Knives’s kindness extends any further than it already does because he cannot imagine a life where he is anything but an inferior creature in comparison. Knives allows him to follow at his heels and Legato cannot see over the impossibly vast wall that looms before him. Knives can do everything and anything and he forces himself to build ever-higher walls around his heart, bricking himself off from pain and betrayal and joy in equal parts. His fear begets loneliness as much as he craves the company of another; his loneliness begets a spiral of hatred that draws in the company he craves. The idea of trust is crushed and ground apart until its absence is what holds the wall together; its absence is the support system in a failing ship; its absence is permanent and prevalent. And one day, its absence is missed and neither of them realize it is because of how delicate the threads that hold it together are, the burning light of twin suns glinting off the only remains that persist.

This is still a pretty rough draft of it, since there's uhhhh a lot more happening in the WIP and I wanna format it to actually make a wall out of text some???how?????? I think??????????? I had to put it aside for a bit, but I wanna come back to it OwO