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goodwomanbadlady · 2 months ago

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I am the Asshole, but is it justified?

Okay, my mum(67f) and I (43f) were talking about taking goodies to the niblings and adopted littles that live in another state. I recently attended one of our local pride parties and had pride themed goodies as well as the Halloween things. While gently touching them (almost reverently? Hesitantly? It was weird.), my mum mentions one of the kids who is gay and how much he likes pride merch. I nod because me too. She continues with how much he takes after his father. My blood runs cold.

"Please tell me you don't think he's gay because his father is?"

"Well, he (his father) is very attention-seeking."

Reader, please understand that in this context, this is a derogatory term that was used against me ad infinitum. I didn't realize that it was apparently a trigger word for me.

I struggled to remain calm and coherent.

"Usually, if someone is attention-seeking, it's because their needs are not being met and they're reaching out. It sounds to me like a generational issue that their needs aren't being met. Usually, someone who is attention seeking just for attention would be in theatre or something."

"I just think he gets a lot from his dad." She did say more, but it is personal information about those people and not my business to share. The summary is that the father of the child is notably immodest and mum doesn't approve. Also implied was that being gay and out was a learned behavior.

And this is where I became the asshole because I didn't recognize until right then that this was closely mirroring something in our own dysfunctional relationship. I walked away to grab the broom and began aggressively sweeping.

"Well, apparently not because submissiveness didn't work on me and I never learned to keep my head down and shut the hell up." I spat with venom. (See my username.)

Mum immediately started crying and I yelled

"I didn't say you did it!" Her siblings had a heavy hand in how we were raised. It wasn't a kind one.

I didn't even get to the point that of all lgbtqia, exceedingly few are "just saying that for attention".

She said she was going to her group hangout and left.

I hesitated a minute and then went out to the car and apologized before she left but it'll be days before we're okay again.

I know I was an asshole for snapping at her, but was it justified by her assumptions about gay people (myself and plenty of people she knows)?

I hope we'll be able to clear up some misconceptions as well as address the whole "attention-seeking is not a bad thing. Helping someone find constructive ways to get the attention they need is good." Bit. But I'm not sure.

For a little context, we are in the southeastern US. It's incredibly brave of the child's father to be out at all much less the child, who is in high school. Back in my rural hometown, they have very few trusted people. The father is notably dishonest and that is my only issue with him. The idea that I don't care that he's bi (because so am I 🙄) or that he enjoys lacy clothing (because it's just clothes!) shocks them.

If they don't care when I wear almost exclusively "men's wear" why does it bother them that he wears "women's"? They think that because I'm in a hetero"normative" relationship, that it doesn't matter for me. This is the toxic patriarchy. The man should be able to wear whatever the hell he wants. If you don't want him to wear that at your house, tell him. Don't just talk about him for years after and now talking smack about his kid? So yeah, I snapped and I'm sorry I yelled at my mom, but I don't feel like there wasn't reason.

#lgbtqia #AITA #i am the asshole #but was i wrong?#small southern towns #fuck the patriarchy #attention seeking #as a slur

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mother-lee · 4 months ago

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