#sleepless nanaman

[chalk-reverie]

Heterophobic

The trend issue about  #NotoSogieBill

I just want to clear my head and dump my thoughts here kasi hindi nanaman ako makakatulog.

First of all, wala kayong kinakaharap na problema especially mga straight. I remember ang bilis-bilis niyo akong i-pares sa mga lalaki, at kinokonsinte niyo pa noong ako’y 7 years old na makipagdate sa mga lalaki, while when I hold hands with girls you’d say ew and “yuck” dahil hindi niyo gusto. When it comes to heterosexual relationship wala kayong problema kahit mabuntis agad, bakit? Kasi normal na ba ngayon ang mabuntis bago ikasal? alam ko bawal iyon sa simbahan pero anyway, hindi naman iyon ang focus niyo hindi ba?

Sogiebill will ELIMINATE ALL discrimination or unfair treatment to LGBT+ including the cisgender people (false btw). Bakit nakafocus sa LGBT? Well kasi sila naman ang PALAGING naoopress, nadidiscriminate, dahil lang sa hitsura nila, at kinikilos nila. Katulad ng bagyo, kapag nasalanta ang mahihirap hindi ba sila ang maingay sa balita, sa telebisyon, ang mayayaman ba umaangal? hindi, sa halip, tinutulungan pa nila, hindi ba? Bakit hindi niyo kayang ipasa ito kasi ayaw niyo na napapantayan kayo? halatang nasasaktan kayo dahil hindi na kayo pwedeng mangasar sa mga bakla, mangloko o mangapak dahil KAYO ang makukulong dito.

Naalala ko lang yung issue sa anti-terrorism bill. Maraming akong nakikitang kontra dito dahil naman ang mga pulis ang may kapangyarihan at tipong siyang magiging batas. Naayos sa panghuhusga ng Pulis imbes na sa Korte idadaan (ito ang alam ko). Dahil dito, mas maraming sibilyan ang mapapahamak dahil magiging legal na ang pagpasok ng mga Pulis sa bahay ng walang warant of arrest. At ang sabi pa nila “hindi kayo kokontra kung hindi kayo terrorista/wala kayong masamang ginawa”. 

Well same goes for this bill, “bakit kayo matatakot kung hindi niyo hilig magdiscriminate/ wala kayong masamang ginawa?”.

I also heard from my mom na LGBT ay kaakibat ng mental illness at kapitin daw ng demonyo. Well, I mean ng demonyo, ay dahil maraming nagsusuicide dahil bakla sila. Kung titingnan mo, oo nga noh, demonyo, kailangan ko lumayo, pero HINDI IYON ANG NAKIKITA KO! Mas gusto ko silang tulungan lumayo sa demonyo dahil alam ko kung ano ang pakiramdam ng hindi ka tanggap ng lipunan, na para kang may ketong kaya ka pandidirihan! Hindi ba tinulungan ni Jesus ang mga bulag, ang mga maysakit, kahit ang mga taong nanghihina ang loob, imbes na siya ay lumayo, tinulungan niya sila. Hindi ba mas maganda na kausapin sila at tanggapin imbes na ilayo sila at idiin na mali na bakla ka. 

Mas nakakadiri pa ang mga taong nagsasabi “tabihan ko lang iyan sa kama, bukas hindi na yan tibo”, “hindi ka pwede dito, dahil masyado kang matigas/ malambot para sa trabahong ito”, “lumayas ka! wala akong anak na bakla!” and the likes. Anong klase iyang pagiisip na iyan! Kahit na nagsisimba ka at nagbabasa ng Bibliya kung kinukunsinti mo ang mga ganitong tao eh magdasal ka na. Dahil para sa akin, wala iyan sa simbahan or sa anong religion ka pa nabibilang kung hindi mo nakikita ang kabutihan, magiging sarado ka, at wala akong magagawa :) 

Anyway, si girl heiress15 ay kasalukuyang nasusunog ngayon sa twitter dahil trending ang pagka-heterophobic at ang mga satire jokes ng mga kabataan na New Sexual Orientation haha!  Graduate din siya ng BS Psychology. Kaya don’t expect na lahat ng nakapagaral ay matulungin/open-minded. (pahabol lang, hindi porket I approve this bill eh I tolerate sin. There is no sin for supporting what was right, and protecting people for bullying others.)  It’s a fallacy.

I’ll leave this here so kung binasa mo ito, pasensya na dahil opinyon ko lang naman ito haha.

[gothicknightz]

universal | peter parker [3]

[1] [2] [4] [5] [6]

(credit to gif creator)

synopsis: you and peter had a falling out, and it was hard on both of you. you were both well-worked into your relationship when you found out he was spiderman. instead of having a positive reaction liked peter hoped, you left. it had been years since that unfortunate event, and it finally came around to apologise. when you arrived, though, peter was nowhere to be found. so you looked up and down for him, until the strangest thing occured to you.

(an: honestly didn’t expect this to be more than a 2 part thing, enjoy! )

no way home spoilers under the cut!!

You finally had him back, your Peter.

After years of sleepless nights and numbing days, you had Peter back in a way.

You guys weren’t back back, but it was better than not having him around.

He still had that look you remembered; curious and playful.

It was something you always loved about him; the times he would show up at your window and you wouldn’t think twice about it.

It was a look that was always on his face, except for when he told you about Uncle Ben, and the look you saw on him a few minutes ago.

You knew he missed you.

Your head turned to the new voice, and you took in the portal he came in through. 

“I feel like I walked in on something I shouldn’t have.” The man said, looking between you and Peter.

“You’re Peter....” MJ said, shifting the balance of the whole situation.

“Yeah, Peter Parker.” He paused, “I’ve seen you two....”

There was a small exchange between Ned’s mom and this Peter, before he turned to your Peter.

Your Peter slowly let you go, standing in front of you protectively.

“Wait.... he’s not- he’s not your friend...”

There was a silence between the two before they both took an instance to shoot at one another with webs, performing the same actions at the same time.

The other Spidey took a web shot at Peter and looked at his inner forearm, “Huh.”

It wasn’t a major shock, but it definitely baffled Ned. “Wait, so you’re Spiderman too? Why didn’t you just say that?”

“Uh, I generally don’t go around advertising it, kinda defeats the whole anonymous superhero thing.”

An “I just said that.” And a “He just said that.” Came from both an amused Peter and a confused MJ.

Once again, Ned’s mom began to speak, “Ikaw ha nagkalat ka nanaman. Linisin mo lahat ng mga basura mo dito. At ikaw naman, alam mo naman na gusto ko na itong bahay natin maayos pero tignan mo, dumi dito, dumi doon.”

“My uh, Lola was asking if you could clean up the webs you just shot.” Ned had translated for the two Spidey’s.

“Oh, sorry, Lola.”

“Yes, of course.”

Ned’s mom, tired, was straight forward and stated, “I’m going to bed.”

After Ned’s mom had left, the older Peter started talking. 

“Uh, this might seem crazy, but, I’ve been trying to find your friend ever since I got here,” He paused, “I just have this sense that he needs my help.”

“Our help.”

“He does.” MJ had spoken, concern in her tone. 

“We don’t know where he is.”

“And um, honestly, right now, we’re all he has left.”

Trying to find a solution, the older Peter spoke up, “Well, uh, is there some place that he might go that has meaning to him. Like a place where he would just go to-”

“Get away from everything?”

“For me, uh, it was the top of the Chrysler building.”

“Empire State, uh, it’s just a better view.”

The older Peter turned to you, “And what about you?”

You had to blink back to reality to process what you were facing; two, three Spidermans exsisting in the world, well, worlds.

“Not a Spidey,” You clarified, “Just happened to know one.”

There was short silence before MJ spoke up again, “Yes, I... I think I know exactly where that would be.”

♥ 

“Hey, wait, wait- woah!” The youngest Spider of them all put his hand up, as a signal for the other two to stop.

Both put their hands up as the oldest Spider started to speak, “Sorry, about May.”

“Yeah, sorry. I still understand what it feels-”

“No, no, please don’t tell me you know what I’m going through.”

“Okay.”

“She’s gone; it’s all my fault, she died for nothing. It’s why I’m gonna do what I should’ve done in the first place.”

“Peter, please don’t-”

“You don’t belong here, either of you. So I’m sending you home.” The youngest paused, “Those other guys, they’re from your world, right? So you deal with it; they die if you kill them, that’s on you. That’s not my problem.

I don’t care anymore, I’m done. I’m really sorry that I dragged you into this, but you have to go home now. Good luck.”

“My Uncle Ben was killed, it was my fault.” The oldest spoke, “The night Ben died, I hunted down the man who I thought did it, I wanted him dead. I got what I wanted.” He paused, “It didn’t make it better. It took me a long time to learn... to get through that darkness.”

The youngest spoke up again, “I wanna kill him. I wanna tear him apart.

I can still hear her voice in my head; even after she was hurt, she told me that we still did the right thing.”

“She told me that with great power-”

“Comes with great responsibility.”

“Wait, what, how do you know that?”

“Uncle Ben said it,”

“The day he died.”

[sunb0rn]

hindi pa din ako nakakatulog mula sa pagkagising ng 2 am.

nag iisip nanaman ako at nag tatanong.

naiisip ko din nanaman na tang ina bakit hindi nalang ganito nung nakaraan. bakit naman ako nagka ganon, bakit kailangan ko pag daanan yon. pwede naman yung malungkot, umiiyak, pero di naman yung para akong nasa hell. bakit kailangan ganon kahirap.

ishare ko na din yung isa sa thoughts ko lately. naisip ko lang, B is turning 30 this year. eh nung darker days ko last year I would say na baka jitters yun of turning 30, like factor yun, pero focus sa gulo naming dalawa. ayon, baka he is experiencing the same thing rn, maybe in a different way; siyempre di ko na yun alam. i think he's coping naman.

ako nalang ulit sasagot sa ibang tanong. maybe its easier this way. I hope na hindi siya gaano nahihirapan.

tbh, I still want answers from him, pero wala naman ako magagawa. wala nga ako nagawa nung una. tska for July-October 2020 naka ahon na ako from those questions eh, na khit "bumalik" siya, na pwedeng pwede ko na siya sugudin ng tanong, nanahimik ako and kept things casual. and even when he was asking me to tell him, sinabi ko na okay na. naulit lang kasi. di ko alam kung hanggang kelan pero important mas kaya ko na ngayon.

ps. but tbh, if hndi ganun kabigat yung amin last year ++ carryover ng issues from our past years, walang depressive sleepless nights, crying episode. siguro ano, more of anxiety with thesis nga, tapos yung sa work

pss. somethings heavy in my heart rn pero feel ko kya ko nang pilitin matulog ulit

3:27 am.

[poleeeng]

Skip this.

Nagpacheck ulit ako sa doctor and nagprescribe ng kung ano anong gamot nanaman. She suggested na 7days off parin from work, so sa 31 pa dapat balik ko. Di ako binigyan ng fit to work certificate. Kaso tigas ulo ko, nahihiya nadin ako sa mga ka-team ko. At the same time naiinis sa TL ko kasi never talaga nare-assign yung ibang workloads ko sa iba kahit urgent na. Pag yung iba naman naglleave, salo ko lahat ng trabaho nila. Unfair parin talaga. Kaya mapipilitan akong magwork ba agad e kahit binibiyak pa sa sakit ulo ko and sleepless parin talaga ako. Kulay bangkay na ako, girl. Ewan ko na talaga.

[espressoblogs-blog]

Nakakapagod na.

Pagod na ako maging ako.

Pagod na ko iplease pamilya ko.

Pagod na ko umintindi.

Ayoko na mapressure.

Ayoko na rin mastress.

Pagod na ko bumangon.

Apat na taon. Ilang buwan na lang magtatapos na ko sa kolehiyo. Pero bakit ganun, hindi ako masaya?

Bakit nga ba?

Una sa lahat, support.

I never felt what support is. Pwera nalang sa mga sagutin na bayarin sa eskwelahan. Ni minsan hindi ko narinig na proud sila sa akin at natutuwa sila sa ginagawa ko.

I hear "Good job" and "Keep up the good work" sometimes, pero pag lumipas, wala na ulit. Puro na lang salita.

Achievements na balewala lang. I show them what got pero the next day, it's all nothing. Sleepless nights, ubusan ng pera, pagod sa pag pasok at uwi, exerting effort for everything, tapos in the end at may resulta na ng pinaghirapan mo, it feels like it's nothing to them. Pagsasalitaan ka nanaman. Ikaw at yung mga taong tanggap ka talaga, sila yung mga tuwang tuwa sayo at ginagawa mo.

Ikatlong taon ko sa kolehiyo, nagsimula ako maging emotional. I had thesis, task performances everywhere, reports and groupings sa lahat ng subject. My boyfriend was always there. Nakikinig sa mga hinanakit ko sa buhay. Bukod sa mga school activities na sabay sabay eh sumasabay pa yung sakit na nararamdaman ko because of my family.

Pressured? MAYBE.

Parang ako ang shumoshoulder ng hindi natapos ng mga kapatid ko. They graduated from the same school I'm in, pero bakit ganun? They never worked. Bakit ako yung nagsusuffer? Unacceptable. You wasted thousands of tuition fees for nothing ; palamunin ka sa bahay and yet you still have the guts na magreklamo. Still, unacceptable. GET A JOB. For f*cks sake.

I'm a few months away nalang before I graduate, and once na magwork na ako, the money I'll get from my soon-to-be-job ay mapupunta sa tatay and a few amount for me and my needs.

I know the world outside school is meaner than my family and the school professors and my previous Boss.

I just hope that they realize that telling me hurtful words just leads me to sadness. Over reacting? No. When you've showed them everything you can para lang makatapos ka and makatulong because your ate's and kuya's can't but still they end up saying you're worthless? How??

Teka, nasa Pilipinas nga pala ako.

[365-betterdays]

january 12, 2022

we made it. it's been a year since "the" golden breakup and i'm not quite sure what or how to feel. i'm playing music as we speak, and medyo nabobore din ako kaya ako nandito.

nakakatawa lang. 'di nga ikaw nasa isip ko. bale, you're just merely a reference. a time-stamp. like.. "uy, nung time na yun, grabe ang heart-broken ko haha" pero that's it.

i'd like to pretend sometimes na your name, or you, yourself has some sort of significant meaning or ambag to the person i am now, pero.. parang wala talaga? HAHAHA. everything's just funny to me now. parang pag naalala kita, di ko mapigilan sarili kong mag-cringe.

I mean, am i a bad person? hindi naman siguro. 'di nga ako sigurado kung bakit kinakausap parin kita. or kung ikakatuwa ko ba yung mga pinagsamahan natin dati, kasi parang wala nalang talaga. yung mga moments natin together na i used to treasure so much, parang... "haha, grabe tagal na non" moments nalang.

could we be friends? genuinely? no. i don't think so. i don't think i can be friends with someone na nasa "haha, grabe tagal na non" phase ko. i don't think i want to be friends anyone between that timeline. like may malaking red fucking X mark on my front door for everyone who dares to enter haha. you're just not worthy.

i cringe. like a lot. a fucking lot. and it's not really much because of them. it was because of me and who i was as a person at the time. parang nawala ako sa sarili ko. parang sinapian ako ng demonyo for about idk, 3 fucking years if you know what i mean HAHAHAHAHA.

i look at my old stories tapos ayun.. sino ka diyan? mga old posts ko. mga messages ko sa ibang tao. tangina. sino ka. sino ka malala.

medyo funny pa dun, it wasn't until recently noong tumigil 'tong so-called cringe moments ko. even up until.. maybe i stopped being friends with M nang maramdaman kong malaya na talaga ako from everything cringy.

not that i blame him or anything. parang last straw ko nalang talaga siya. i can't even say na 100% out of the cringe moment na'ko, but i'm getting there.

i don't care about anything anymore, but in a good way. i used to care so much. maybe a little too much. i was young, oo, but i did a lot of dumb shit i shouldn't have. the fact that i cringe and laugh over them instead of having sleepless nights with a lil sprinkol of depression over these events.. it's growth for me.

i'm 18. this WAS and IS my most awaited moment. i'm here. i'm living the life i've always wanted in the present. narealize ko lang na parang i don't want to waste it, as much as i wasted so much of my time caring too much over people or things that has nothing to do with me.

ME. masyado kong napabayaan sarili ko, and i say this whole-heartedly. halata kasi. mentally. physically. spiritually. halatang-halata.

i just want to end the cycle there. and my ex? he has nothing to do with that. maybe he was the first step but even so, I TOOK THAT STEP and the millions ahead. it's me. i did all that.

to give him a little credit, was a just little bit of an act of kindness, pero deep inside, i knew what i meant. i already left everything behind and there's no going back. i'm a completely different person now and i deserve.. so much.

i love waking up, seeing myself in the mirror and thinking "ano kaya pwede kong gawin para sa'yo ngayon?" hahahaha. pano ba yan, magmumukha nanaman akong mayabang neto ngayon? charot. basta, tangina, sobrang bait ko sa sarili ko. gustong gusto ko siyang alagaan. gusto kong bumawi.

self fucking love 2022

[iamnobodyyy]

I wish na sana tanggapin na ng puso ko na talagang dapat itigil ko na tong kahibangan ko sayo. Sobrang daming rason para dapat hindi na ituloy pa to. You keep on gaslighting me every time i tell you na ikaw yung dahilan ng tampo ko. Ng lungkot ko, ng sleepless nights ko. Ng anxiety ko. Lagi mong minamanipulate yung utak ko para baliktarin lahat ng sitwasyon. I know i made wrong things to you. I knew i was being played sa mga matatamis na salita mo. Pero lahat nilunok ko, kasi MAHAL KITA. KASI MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA. Nagbulag bulagan ako sa mga nangyayari, sa mga sinsabi nila kasi masaya ako sayo. Kasi napapasaya mo ako. Pero etong putanginang isip at puso ko di ka mabitawan kahit gabi gabi ko nang iniiyak yung sakit, hanggang ngayon pilit na kumakapit sa pag asa na baka isang araw ako naman yunh piliin mo. Hindi ko magawang magmakaawa kasi kahit gawin ko, alam ko naman yung magiging sagot. Alam kong talo ako sa huli. Alam kong sinasaktan ko lang at pinapahiraman sarili ko sa mga bagay na kahit kailan di magiging akin. Isa na lang yung hiling ko. Sana matutuhan na ng puso ko ang palayain ka, kasi pagod nakong laging kwestyunin yung sarili ko kung ano ba halaga ko talaga. Sana etong ginagawa mo, tinutulungan mo akong kalimutan kung pano ako nahulog sayo. Sana matigil na to. Mahal kita, b. Pero sobrang sakit na. Sobrang nanliliit nako sa tingin ko sa sarili ko. Sana itigil na natin to. Sana eto na yun. Gusto ko na lang at mas pipiliin ko na lang mag isa kesa mapunta sa sitwasyon na alam kong wala nanaman hahantungan. Salamat at hinila moko pabalik sa dapat na direksyon ko sa buhay. Mahal kita, b. Higit pa sa isang kaibigan. Pero itigil na natin to. Mahalin mo siya ng higit sa pagmamahal at napaparamdam mo sakin, alam kong kaya mo yun. Alam kong mahal mo siya, ramdam ko at alam ko nung umpisa pa lang. Hinding hindi ko ipipilit ang sarili ko sayo dahil alam kong umpisa pa lang talo nako. Sana maging masaya ka, kayo. Malaya ka na. Pinapalaya na kita, mahal.

[ephemeral-blissfulness]

Di nanaman ako makatulog. I have been sleepless for days already :( gimme a breaaaak

[obeymebabe]

Eto na ata yung pinaka malalang nangyari sakin sa tinagal tagal kong naging mabait sa mga kaibigan ko. Ang dami daming tao na nanghuhusga sakin. Hindi ko yun pinansin. Ang ginawa ko nagaral ako ng mabuti kahit hindi ko na kayang mag-aral dahil mas gusto ko magtrabaho para sa anak ko. But when i looked at my child i realized na eto palang yung kaya kong ibigay sakanya para makahanap ako ng trabaho, Ang nasa isip ko lang nun. “Kakayanin ko kahit ako lang magisa, kahit wala kang tatay ang importante magkasama tayong dalawa”.

Pero nakagraduate na ko’t lahat lahat hindi padin ako makahanap ng trabaho. Ilang beses akong nagtry na mag-apply sa BPO industry, iba’t ibang company pero hindi ako matanggap tanggap. Dito ko lang narealize na may issue pala ko sa sarili ko. Andun na pala ko sa punto na ayoko ng kumilos dahil wala naman akong ibang alam na gawin. Hindi ko maintindihan yung sarili ko. Lahat naman ng pwedeng gawin para magkatrabaho ginagawa ko. Hindi lang din siguro dahil sa ayaw akong payagan ng tatay ko magtrabaho pero dahil sa sarili ko.

Takot pala ako. Takot pala ko sa mga tao. Dahil huhusgahan lang din nila ako. Kahit ilagay ko pa yung puso ko dun. May masasabi at masasabi padin sila. Right now? I was just so scared to be in the street. To be with people na kilala ko. pero ang tanging kaya nilang gawin ay husgahan ako. Hindi ko na talaga maintindihan.

#Sleepless Nights #CryingSilently #Overthinking

Wala akong pwedeng sabihan nitong nararamdaman ko dahil alam ko naman sasabihin nila e.

“Nagdadrama ka nanaman”  “Kumilos ka kasi” “Nagse self pitty ka nanaman”

Hindi nila alam na ako mismo hindi ko na maintindihan yung nararamdaman ko. Tapos eto naman ngayon? Sisiraan ako? Ang sakit lang sa part ko na initindi ko sila kahit yung sarili ko hindi ko na maintindihan. Hindi ba nila alam kung gano kahirap ng nasa sitwasyon ko? Putangina!!!

Pero buti nalang mabait ang DIyos. Dahil kahit hindi ko sya kausapin he feel that i’m sad and i want to end my life. Kahit mismo sya hindi ko na pinapaniwalaan pero yung pakiramdam ko lagi kang nanjan para sakin. Gusto kong umiyak pero hindi dahil sa problema. Gusto kong umiyak dahil kahit nung malapit na kong bumigay naramdaman ko na hindi nya ko iniwan. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME 

[unli-sunrise]

26th Birthday and SepAnx part II

“Pwede wag ka nang mag text.”

nagkausap pa nga kami ng mama niya after he texted me this.

wala naman ako balak sabihin to kay tita. pero ang totoo mejo nakikiramdam ako kung merong magbabago sa pakikitungo niya sa akin. mukhang wala naman.

nung first days, sama ng loob sa kanya at sa sarili ang nararamdaman ko.

pero habang  tumatagal, yung galit, nagiging lungkot. nagiging mga emosyon na hindi ko mapaliwanag.

nung hindi ko na ma contain, sinabi ko na kay kuya Walt.

bigla ko nalang naramdaman at naisip, dito ko na ata pagdadaanan yung totoong break-up ‘blues’ namin.

for years na ilang beses kami kailangan magkalayo, ang bigat kasi bitbit namin hindi lang yung pain on our part. pati yung sama ng loob ng magulang ko, yung misunderstanding sa parents niya, yung pagkaka layo din namin sa mga kaibigan, yung freedom ko, yung pag aalala sa future, happiness at safety niya.

lahat lahat yun, walang araw na hindi ko iniisip over the past years. sa kabila non parehas namin pinanghawakan yung pangako na aayusin namin ang mga to nang magkasama.

but this, this could really be the end. para bang isang araw, nag decide nalang kaming give up yung isa’t isa.

hangang sa isang araw, I am left wth nothing to do. Alam kong hindi niya ginagamit IG niya still, I left him a short message. then I asked kuya Walt to check on his page. kung talaga bang wala siyang posts or naka filter lang sa akin. pero wala daw talaga.

after another week pa ata or less na wala pa din reply sa IG, sa messenger na ako. It was a lenghtly message, pero hindi masyado ma drama.

sabi ko hanggang birthday ko nalang ako mangungulit sa kanya. after non, maghihintay nalang ako.

sa pagchcheck ko ng inbox, hindi na “seen” yung messages.

hindi ko na alam yung iisipin pa. i even asked kuya Walt to add him (new acct ksi ni kuya last year, hindi siya gaano nag add, churchmates at present workmates lang niya). wala din confirmation,

habang papalapit yung birthday ko, sleepless nights talaga. lalo na yung last night- midnight na yun,

hindi ko alam kung eto na ba yung sagot sa tanong ko. hindi ko alam kung dapat nalang ba akong matuwa kung eto na nga yung sagot,

“ *nakangiti siya non

masaya na din ako. kasi pag ako yung nawala, alam kong kayang kaya mo.

hindi mo nga lang ako kayang iwan at ayaw mo akong iwan. kasi alam mong napaka needy ko sayo.

wag ka mag alala, pag kaya ko na. hindi kana madadamay sa lahat ng to..”

pero ang tagal na neto. magkasama pa kami non, and he’s going through ‘hell’. tipong konti nalang literal na impiyerno na. 

I believe, nalagpasan na niya yun.

madaming pwedeng dahilan kung bakit biglang ayaw na niya, maski makipag usap man lang sa akin. gusto ko sana mag enumerate, pero siguro next time nalang. hahaha

so 26th birthday ko na nung monday. nabanggit ko sa isang post that I went for an interview kahit masama yung pakiramdam ko. pag uwi sa bahay nang araw na yun, hanggang kinabukasan sobrang sama ng feels. lagnat, ubo, sipon. natatawa nalang ako pag naiisip kong

SepAnx is real, 

anyway nag message nalang ako sa kanya nung July 11. tinatamad na ako sa long post na ito kaya tatapusin ko na. haha. 

basta ang sabi ko sa kanya,

“mas gusto ko pa na ayaw mo nalang ako makita at makausap kesa may problema ka nanaman at pinipili mo nang lumayo sa akin, wag mo din iisipin na iiwan na kita. andito lang ako. 

...

kung eto na yung last, gusto kong maiwan kung ano yung totoo sa atin. yung ikaw at ako lang.”

yung last line, tungkol yun sa mga pinangako niya. 

babawi siya sa akin, and sa parents ko. tutulungan niya akong maayos yung nagulo sa buhay ko simula nang samahan ko siya,

gusto kong malaman niya na hindi ako mag hahabol don, kahit ang totoo kailangang kailangan ko yun galing sa kanya.

it was suppose to be me my “redemption”

pero mas mahalaga sa akin na malaman niya na kahit hindi na mangyare yun, hindi magbabago kung gaano ko siya minahal, pinahalagahan at pinaniwalaan. at hindi ko pinag sisihan yun,

***

[your-sad-chixk-blog]

I thought he's the one.

We had our "Siya na talaga the one ko." moments. Aminin natin. Yung tipong you're planning a future with him na. Everything is about him na. Pag tumingin ka sa mata niya it's like it's luring you in. You just can't get enough. Mga yakap niya na feels like home to you. His kisses that just makes your knees weak. Yung boses niya, yung tindig niya at lakad niya. Everything about him is just... perfect. His laugh na music sa tenga mo. Ngiti niya na nagbabrighten ng world mo. Everything feels right. He feels SO right. Kaya lang things happened. Biglang paggising mo hindi na pala ikaw. Hindi ka na niya mahal. Ganun lang ba talaga kadali magbago lahat? Yung goodmorning at goodnight texts na tila bigla nalang nakalimutan. Yung pagmamahal niya sayo sa parang di mo na maramdaman. Mga 'iloveyou' niya na tila wala ng laman. Yung sweetness niya na ayun nawalan na ng lasa. Yung dating 'siya' parang nawala na. Yung 'TAYO' niyo na naging you and I nalang. Hanngang sa marerealize mo na siguro nga, hanggang dito nalang kayo. Siguro nga wala na. Siguro nga naghihintayan nalang kayo. And when that time comes, mahihirapan ka, masasaktan ka ng todo kasi iisipin mo "SAN BA AKO NAGKULANG?" You'll blame everything to yourself. Kasi nga mahal mo e. Siguro nga you're not good enough. You're going to start questioning yourself and your worth. Moving on? It will take months, years? You don't know. Hindi ganun kadali. You'll suffer countless of sleepless nights. Ayun iyak ka lang. Luha ka lang. Yung the one mo? Ayun nakakita na ng bagong the one niya. And then babalikan mo lahat. Then syempre tutulo nanaman mga luha mo. Walang katapusan, magtataka ka nalang bakit hindi ka pa nauubusan ng luhang iluluha. Iisipin... Everything was so perfect. You two were SO in love. Pero bat biglang nawala? When did it start to be so wrong? WHERE did it start to go wrong? It will take time to love again. Sabi nila "Time heals it all." Bullshit. Time does not heal you. Time does not take the pain away. The only thing na ginagawa ng time is sanayin ka. Sanayin ka na wala na siya. Sanayin ka sa sakit hanggang sa mamanhid ka na. Was it the right person kaso wrong time? Or baka naman it was the right time but he was the wrong person. Maybe he's not the one... Darling, it will hurt like hell. Pero you'll get over it. :) Makakaya mo na wala siya. You will learn to love yourself and you will eventually see what you truly worth. Don't get too cynical, don't stop loving. Love... is such a wonderful thing when you find the right one. Wag ka maghanap, maghintay ka lang. Malay mo your 'THE ONE' is right there beside you lang pala. :)

[jhannahandherthoughts]

* will be posting this one in my wordpress account as well*

i am sitting right now, sa pwesto kung saan, hindi lang puro pag-aaral ang ginawa ko, kundi pati reflections, decisions, pag-iyak, pang-iistalk (lol), and many more. the past two years of college were both memorable and tough for me. the first time i stepped my foot into that university, i felt home. i felt na doon talaga ako nabebelong. i am sitting in this corner where i spent sleepless nights studying gen chem, org chem, botany, zoology, biochem, anachem and even minor subjects. dito rin sa place na ‘to ako bumuo ng goals, and one of that goals is maging consistent dean’s lister until i graduate college. mababaw lang naman akong tao, hindi ako naghahangad mapasama sa Latin honors because I know, sobrang taas nun but I am praying na ibigay ni Lord yung magpapaproud sa parents ko. My first semester in college, was easy. Madali yung aral, simply because tutok talaga ako. As in sobrang gc ko, yung tipong nagaabang ng crush yung squad ko tapos ako nag-aaral na for next subject kahit walang quiz. dito sa place na ‘to din ako umiyak, because i got a grade of 2.0 in my gen chem, parang ang laking failure nun for me, kasi feeling ko ‘di na ako magDDL. Ang praning ko lang (lol). that time, halos ‘di na ‘ko matulog kakaaral and kulang nalang, halos irecord ko na discussion ng prof, though i know na natatake notes ko naman lahat. ganyan ako kaGC friends. and i did it, i aced the semester having a GWA of 1.371 kaya nagDL ako. That time, sabi ko sa sarili ko, “this is not yet enough, i have to be consistent, i have to improve this GWA”. 

so second semester, medyo mas mahirap because there were two lab subjects. may twice a week pa ‘kong 7 pm class. naalala ko pa yung time na 20/25 ako sa quiz sa botany, napraning nanaman ako. i was like “quiz lang sa cell ‘di ko pa naperfect, how pathetic” kaya ang ginawa ko, aral talaga, kahit lesson 3 palang kami, lesson 10 nagawan ko na ng reviewer and iniiscan ko na. even yung book namin sa org chem, hinighlightan ko na ‘di pa man dinidiscuss. so what happened, i aced the semester having a GWA of 1.317, but still not contented. i know that is bad because hindi na ako marunong makontento, but i want to make my parents proud of me, i want to make them happy.

Second year, first semester, I admit, this one is tougher compared to the past two semesters. Kasi nagsabay sabay ang zoology, com skills (oo major yan) at biochem. i mean, there was a time na i have to study 36 slides for zoology lec, 25 pages for zoo lab,10 set of ppts in biochem (pamatay) and my speech for com skills. yung tipong gising ako from 11 pm up to 5 am pero yung zoo lec at kakasimula ko pa lang sa zoo lab? that was the time na kahit nag-eexam umiiyak ako because of pagod, stress and everything. i took the exam in biochem only having stock knowledge. but, my hardwork was paid off because i got exempted with zoo lec and lab, but not com skills because i am not a good speaker naman. sa biochem naman our prof doesn’t give exemptions eh hehe. so, i aced the semester having 1.388 na GWA. Umiyak talaga ako niyan kahit DL ako, kasi yan yung mga panahong umiyak ako tapos ang baba compared to the past semesters? i asked myself, sabi ko, “paano pa ko makakakuha ng ganito eh next sem anachem and physics na” which they say, that second year second sem was the toughest sem you’ll take before proper.

and they were right. That sem was the most horrible, toughest and worst sem of my life. Na iisipin mo sana nananaginip ka nalang then paggising mo, tapos na. That was the time na iisipin mo 3.0 lang, okay na. That was also the time na nawalan ako ng pake mag-aral. I mean, I would set lots of alarms with different times and it would be my family members who would be bothered by that annoying sound. That sem, yun yung mga oras na nagcountdown ako. (literal na countdown), idagdad mo pa yung hanggang 7 pm class which is physics. believe me or not, i survived physics without studying anything. puros hula t’wing quiz. hindi sa hindi ako interesado, simply because tinatamad na ko. I lost my drive to continue what I’ve started. I am not happy. 

You know, I could have been a consistent dean’s lister but I lost my drive and motivation in doing everything. I just want that horrible semester to end. Gusto ko na magproper, that was the time I felt real depression. There was a time pa nga na pati Anachem lab class ko pati Rizal late ako or absent. Lalo naman sa Mandarin, ‘di na ko napasok minsan. Ganyan ako katamad noong sem na yan. People think na masipag si Jha, matalino si Jha. But no, once mawalan ako ng motivation, wala na. I know that I failed my parents, but wala eh. I hate that sem. Yun bang, kung maibabalik mo lang yung time, you’ll choose to *toot* HAHAHAHAHA. kaya the time na natapos yung sem, for others, they were sad, but for me, it was the happiest moment of my life. ang makalabas sa bangungot na yun. Minsan napapatanong ako, kung bakit binigay ni Lord na maging miserable ako. Even my family knows how much I hated that sem, and I always will. Thankful nalang talaga ako na natapos ‘tong sem na ‘to na wala akong bagsak. Yey! There are some good things parin pala afterall.

Kaya nung nag-enroll ako, I keep on praying that I would have a nice semester because according sa friends kong proper na at graduate na, the incoming semester is the most difficult to take. Yun bang, maeexperience mong umiyak talaga pumasa lang. But I know that like the other semesters, I know I can ace this one as well. Sipag, tiyaga at dasal lang.

So now that it is sinking in me, proper na ‘ko! I am an incoming proper student of Medical Technology na! yehey!!! I promise to do my very best hanggang fourth year. Laban lang. FOR BATCH 2019! 

[mildlyasocial-blog]

June 1, 2017

We’re now in the middle of 2017 and another term is approaching fast. In less than two weeks, I’d be back in school again when I barely felt a real rest. Tragic. Summer term just ended last Friday and it took me just now to rant how exhausting but satisfying the recent semester was. It was extra intense, in which four subjects provided us a 2 semester worth of stress, with the addition of a 40-degree Celsius weather everyday. Gaano kasaya?!

Beforehand, we were told that summer terms usually end like a piece of cake, with no pressure at all, due to limited time and expected lazy faculty plus the unbearable weather. Yet our fate detoured somewhere else. Our block was under a whole different law professor. He’s on the list of the professors na “kukumpleto sa college life mo”. Back then we didn’t know if they were being sarcastic or trying to scare us but I think it’s the latter for we really hated the fact we weren’t having sir pen but ofc there was change of feelings at the end. HAHAHA! So, our memorizing skills, sleep and anxiety were tested, and later on, my feelings for I’m one of the girls who ironically developed a huge crush on Atty. Aigoo, I didn’t see that coming. The first few nights as his student was pure bitterness and terror, gabi gabi ba naman ang recitation tapos ang dami dami pa namin sa klase. Alam niyo yung halos 5% lang ang chance na matawag ka sa loob ng dalawang oras na kabadong kabado ka. Kaya after class, hindi ako sure kung matutuwa ba ako kasi hindi ako natawag o maiistress kasi nasayang nanaman ang kaba ko. Eventually, Atty. decided to divide us and somehow, my crush for him made me enthusiastic to review every night and learn to love this intimidating but beautiful subject. Para bang ayaw kong mapahiya kay Sir, gusto kong makasagot once na natawag ako. Hehe. Oo, hindi siya yung super pogi kaya nga hindi ko gets kung bakit kinikilig ako!!! Malakas ang appeal niya tapos basta, nakakapogi yung katalinuhan niya. Hehe. So, thanks to him, despite the impossible amount of stress we felt, bawing bawi naman sa kilig. ANG HAROT.

BLW411 alone was intense enough, where ¾ of our time, attention, hard work and nerve cells were invested as if it was the only subject we took, making us spend the whole summer stuffing sections of legal words in our heads, feeling anxious every evening and having a love and hate relationship with this subject. We soon appreciated the sleepless nights and nakakautang sections for it helped us review less once the cover to cover exams arrived. Ok, I’m talking too much about Law. That’s enough.

So, of course, the other three subjects didn’t back down, catching our attention by force with heavier requirements. Kapag may quiz sa law, makikisabay rin si managerial accounting. Kalurkey?! In Entrep, we were obliged to create a business plan - which was crammed at the last three weeks of school. Can’t blame anyone but ourselves for we focused too much at Law. Still, we were able to surpass it all. WOOOH! Our beloved empanada is the #1 product for our instructor. But I’ll never forget how we struggled in making the financial statements - crying over paper works until 3am, the same night an earthquake happened. Alam nyo yung wala ka ng mapaglagyan ng stress, sabay lilindol pa?! At the day of the defense and final exams, bawing bawi naman lahat ng stress. It was a good torture, then. All our efforts, cups of caffeine, midnight group study video calls, internally crying beings and fatigue didn’t go waste. This semester was really something else, compare to the prior ones, in a very good way that I couldn’t expound in great details.

What I’m trying to say is, this is my new favorite semester and probably the most unforgettable summer. 

[freehandruled]

GRADUATION DAY!!!

Thankyou Ma & Pa!! Tignan niyo nga naman nakapag-patapos nanaman kayo at ngayon ENGINEER naman!! Thankyou sa mga Classmates, Batchmates, Friends, Profs and lalo na kay Lord... Thankyou for the 5 years of UPS and DOWNS. Sa mga sleepless nights, mahihirap na exams, at walang kamatayang thesis.. Kudos, Class 2017!!

LAUS DEO SEMPER!! 

[engr-icecream]

our days will not be complete without plates 😂😂😂

pambihira! matapos ang isa isa nanaman. 😂😂😂 sleepless nights

[scheherazadexx]

Gustong gusto ko mag aral ulit 😪 pero, kailangan ko muna mag work work! Haha hindi pwedeng gastusan nanaman ako nina mama tsaka papa. Kota na sila sa 15years(elem to college) ko na pag aaral. Hahahaha mag aaral ako kapag may ipon na ako :) dalawa ang bet ko na course e, its either sa field of Writing or field of Medicine :D Nakakamiss na kasi mag aral, namimiss ko na yung nangangarag ako sa pag gawa ng requirements, yung sleepless nights, yung lectures and reportings! Emeged! Hahahaha kaya naman minsan tinutulungan ko na mga pinsan ko sa mga school works nila. Hahaha Kung dati, gustong gusto ko na gumraduate, ngayon naman, gustong gusto ko na mag aral ulit. Hahaha