#slamming my head against a wall

[stannyramirez]

[0vergrowngraveyard]

part of me is very tempted to rewrite 30 minutes. i think i wrote myself into a hole idk how to get out of 😭

[takami-takami]

RANT ABOUT MYSELF. BOOOOO

The fucking. PROBLEM is, "get me out of here," I say, shaking the bars of my cage. "Get me out of this house."

But. I don't have any faith in myself that I would be able to survive out there considering I had a Hawks Childhood with respect to neglect and hiding from the world. It's hard. It's hard! Idk if it comes across or if I'm just good at masking, but I wasn't allowed out of the house as a kid. I didn't socialize during key years. A decade. And it's hard, because I spent a good deal of my school years alone and bullied as well.

I feel like I am too traumatized to be able to function in society correctly; not necessarily because of the amount of hurt inflicted upon me— which was quite a bit— but because of what was deprived of.

I don't... Fucking know how to speak people. I don't know English and even though it is my only language, I feel like it's barely my first. I'm not fluent in being a fucking person. I was told to put on a fake shell persona and to never be myself around friends. I try not to listen, but maybe they were onto something cuz I probably should have. I don't know what to do besides try and pull a Wybee with that stitched smile thing.

I try very hard to connect. I'm actually quite terrible with maintenance of relationships. I'm not a good friend, I run away and avoid my inbox. I look at every ask I get and feel deeply unwell at the thought of answering. I love deeply but shallowly. I try to connect further, but it feels like there is a glass box separating me from everyone else.

I don't feel better than anyone else, I just feel wrong. And I see people with all these friends and I get jealous, like. I don't. I don't know what that's like!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!

I consider people online to be friends but I'm scared to say it. It feels like I'm not allowed. I don't feel like I'm doing it right. I don't talk regularly when I wish I did.

Head in my hands. I remind myself again, to take accountability and make the decison to be better. It's a fucking choice. But every time pull down that veil to delude myself into thinking I made my problems up, singing lalala I can't hear you, I don't wake up when I open my eyes. I'm not better just because I decided it. It's still me.

And I don't fucking know if I'm even capable of learning how to live my dream. Which is to have friends both irl and online, a partner (optional), and a job. That is all. That is all. I want bonds. I want bonds. I want bonds. I see how connected everybody could be but not me.

I fucking. HATE how much I am probably projecting onto Hawks. LAUGHS. Everybody disregard my analysis from now on, the fucking jig is up! /s

[calamitoustide]

you guys don’t even wanna know how many hoops i just had to jump through for this fucking theme

[rottengurlz]

[messrmoonyy]

This is insane

https://twitter.com/weissmcns/status/1623231321387716609?t=zvc8eFlBWc3xMoTCcit2iw&s=19

I could take them both. And not in a fight

[eevyerndracaneon]

Sick feeling again

[rottengurlz]

🤠

[sernstmblr]

[hangingoffence]

need to dig up that draft that i had about jack and ghost arthur<333

[antikr1sta]

'samu.. stop looking at me like that >:(

im falling behind on exam assignments and just suffering in general but at least there's mackerel T~T

[pdwoozi]

5.19 Folie A Deux

[takami-takami]

someone said hawks in this before and after losing his wings. i thought i'd share :D

I THREW MY FUCKING PHONE.

[hanniedream]

photos that unequivocally destroyed my entire life and what little was left of my sanity

[rottengurlz]

[lotus-pear]

HOW DO YOU DRAW WOMEN WTF 💀💀💀