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daengtokki · 4 months ago

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part three // serial killer!Kim Seungmin/afab reader

WC: 14.4k

RATING: mature/explicit/mdni—contains: angst, murder, blood, very brief m/m, bodily penance/self-harm, medication, sex, more blood

SYNOPSIS: Seungmin floats through life alone, haunted by his memories—keeping himself under control, and quieting his mind the only way he knows how…killing and watching the life leave his victims eyes. When you cross his path on a morning hunt, something new (something forgotten) starts to move inside of him, leading both of you on a path to confront the unspeakable past.

thank you again to @thackery-blinks, and also this song

please reblog/tag if you enjoy, and help my work reach a wider audience. thank you friends!

[ ML — DEITY MASTERLIST ]

After the second cup of coffee, you start to pay more attention to the time. It feels like an hour has passed, at least, but you can’t be sure, because you have no idea what time it was when the two of you woke up this morning. It’s even colder now, and the draft continues to blow in—that’s how you know he’s still out there. Doing what, though? Being alone, yes…meditating? Punishing himself?

You fill a third cup of coffee and decide to let fifteen more minutes pass before checking on him. You could just get up and go now, but it doesn't feel like your place to question his actions. This is really none of your business. Should you make it your business?

His back is straight, his head is down…you can see the steady puffs of condensation leave his nose. The blanket you pulled from the couch is rolled up under your arm when you push the curtain aside and walk out onto the balcony. It’s even colder than you imagined, now that the walls of his bedroom are gone.

How could he have been out here for so long? Seungmin isn’t made of much; he’s thin. Tall and broad, yes, but thin. And though his body has been warm and comfortable when you’ve been close to him, he can’t possibly keep that warmth in him right now. He doesn’t seem to hear you approach, or kneel at his side. You unfold the flannel blanket, the same one he gave you before, and carefully wrap it around his shoulders, up to his neck. Now he moves a little, and when you rub your hand over his back and shoulders, he opens his eyes and looks at you.

“Why are you out here?”

“Why are you?”

“Come back inside, please”

“Are you sure?” He grabs the blanket and pulls it around him.

“Yes, of course, I’m sure”

He nods, but he doesn’t move yet. Maybe he needs to find some energy first—there’s no way he has any left now. His legs look lifeless and pale, but they still work when he gets his feet flat on the ground. You follow him as he rises, hold his arm, and you’re surprised that he lets you guide him back inside.

He starts toward the door.

“No, you should get back into bed”

“I need some coffee.” His voice is so small, and weak.

“I’ll bring you some”

Seungmin stops, and stands there for a few seconds.

“Please”

When you return, he’s halfway under his covers with the blanket still wrapped around him.

“If you still want to be alone, I won’t stay in here”

“You can stay”

“Okay…” you climb onto the bed, find a spot in the middle, close to him, but not too close, and watch him as he quietly shivers. His cheeks and ears are red and chapped from the wind, and his usually pouty pink lips are pale and barely there against his colorless face. “Get all the way under the covers.” You reach a hand out to touch his neck, and he jumps.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you before”

“I’m fine, you didn’t hurt me”

“I didn’t?” He reaches out and lifts your shirt, and the marks look even more apparent. A few bruises are already starting to bloom where his fingers pressed. “I did.”

“Lie down, you’re still shivering.” His hand is like ice when you grab it, but he shakes free and sets it flat across the bruises. It feels so good, but you try not to make your content sigh too obvious. “Okay, okay…lie down.”

Seungmin listens this time, and you decide to take a chance and move closer. You still don’t know why he was out there, or why he was torturing himself, but maybe he’ll allow you to wrap an arm around him and pull him even closer. His body is so cold, you’re not sure you have enough heat in you to help, but you’re going to try. You’re not sure why, but you know he would do the same for you.

/ / /

Wrapped up…that’s really the only way to describe him this time. Seungmin’s long limbs are all over you, holding tightly. The look on his sleeping face, at least what you can see squeezed against him, is the most content you’ve ever seen it. He’s sleeping like a puppy curled up in a heated blanket. And that’s exactly how you feel—warm, damp with sweat. Too warm. Seungmin’s heat returned, and then some. His cheek feels like a radiator when you touch it.

“I’m so tired,” he mumbles, moves around a little, then settles again. “Why am I so tired?”

“Because you sat outside for hours and it’s -2 degrees”

His eyes pop open like he’s wondering why someone is in his bed, answering him. He lets go, pushes himself back, and examines you.

“Why did you do that?”

“Do what?”

Well, maybe he’s not all there yet. It doesn’t matter. Something about being in bed with him like this again blurs everything. You’re comfortable and warm here, and this is all that’s mattered. You should probably check your messages, your email, your bank account…something—your family might actually be worried enough to send money. It doesn’t matter, though. You don’t plan on going anywhere right now.

“I need to shower, and go out…what time is it?”

“Go out? Why do you have to go out?”

“I have to find…” Seungmin stops and looks at you again. “Someone.”

“Already?”

“Yes”

When did he do this last? Did he do it recently? The last time you asked him, it was in the park, and he told you he killed someone the day you met. After you met, because he didn’t kill you. You can’t even remember how long ago that was, so you close your eyes and think…two weeks, and—

“It’s been two days,” he says.

Oh, it was recent. You find yourself looking around the room as if you missed some clue about his recent activities. Is that why the bedding is all new? Did he do it right here on this bed? “Two days?”

He rises slowly. The arm that’s still draped over your hip slides away, and he stumbles a little as he gets to his feet. “Yeah, on Friday. After I thought you left.” And he’s gone without another word.

You hear him in the shower—he’s in there for a very long time, and when he finally comes out, a cloud of steam follows him. He’s still dripping wet, and his hair is slicked back so tight, he almost looks like a different person. And he’s completely naked. No towel wrapped around his waist, no shorts, just wet skin glowing in the sunlight. Seungmin makes himself more coffee, an iced one this time, and doesn’t say a word as he sips and looks absently at his phone.

He takes his coffee to the bedroom, and he comes back out a few minutes later, partially dressed. All you can do is watch, nervously, as he approaches where you sit at the corner of the couch. Why are you so nervous? Seungmin isn’t even looking at you— he’s staring at the floor, and then at whatever small thing he has in his hand. He holds it out and waits for you to take it before speaking.

“Get whatever you need, or whatever you want…both,” he says softly—practically whispers it. “Max it out, I don’t care.”

If you didn’t assume he planned on doing this since last night, you’d think it was his indirect way of apologizing. Seungmin clearly has money to throw at things to make them go away, or to bring them closer to him. You’re not sure which of those he wants from you right now.

This was your first time shopping in Seoul, and it was overwhelming being on your own in the crowds, but you have to admit it had its moments of calm, and even a few moments of joy—particularly when you found a dress very similar to one that you lost, and especially when you stumbled upon something that reminded you of Seungmin. It seemed silly to get, but it seemed still to pass up, too, and you haven’t decided yet if you’ll give it to him. But you have it just in case. Maybe he’ll be in a better mood after a few more hours of solitude. Maybe he won’t be as bad as you think he’ll be at accepting gifts.

The apartment is dark, and very quiet when you return. Seungmin gave you a copy of both keys, and the code to the final lock—being trusted with that did feel good, and it made your morning a little better after his standoffish attitude. It does make it feel like last night's comments probably weren’t the truth, but you still have to wonder about everything else. You set the bags down and look around; the kitchen light is on, and you can see some soft light coming from the crack beneath his bedroom door. There is sound, but it’s very quiet and you can’t catch any type of conversation.

The closer you get, the more confusing it becomes, until it finally hits you—you think you know what you’re hearing, and it throws your heart into your throat, and you feel a little sick. Seungmin is moaning, over and over, but it’s not quite how he sounds when he’s with you. It’s a steady rhythm, and then he stops…starts again, stops. It almost sounds forced, but he’s the only sound you can hear. Maybe he’s getting himself off; maybe last night wasn’t enough. You don’t want to interrupt him if that is what’s going on, but when you hear another voice, you really start to feel sick.

“Is that good?” the voice says. It sounds masculine, but still, it’s hard to tell for sure. You can’t understand it, anyway. You don’t hear Seungmin’s response, but the other person laughs, and you feel your entire body start to heat up. It could be from anger, or embarrassment, or sadness...all of the above. You feel pretty stupid standing there, but it’s not like Seungmin is your boyfriend. He’s not yours, and you guess you’re not his, either. No, he just took in a stray and gave it unlimited money to shop, absolutely no big deal. Nothing serious.

“Yeah, you are…” Still the nameless, faceless voice. Definitely masculine. “Come back, don’t be a tease.”

You take a few steps back. The language barrier means you can’t say for sure what’s happening behind that door, but it feels obvious. The deep, sensual whispers and the moans can only equal one thing.

“Yeah, keep going”

It’s Seungmin’s voice that time. And then everything goes quiet. A few seconds later, he comes, loudly. And then it’s quiet again.

You take a few more steps back until you hit the side of the kitchen counter, and it’s then that you hear a loud thud. Very loud, like something heaving hitting the ground.

“Fuck…what are you doing?” This time, the voice sounds…angry? No, surprised, confused. It’s hard to tell even as you listen as carefully as possible. Your head is swimming with every strange thought, though. “No…stop, please.”

“What the fuck?” You say out loud to nobody. Your legs are trembling. Another loud thud makes you jump, and then you hear Seungmin. It almost doesn’t sound like him, but you know it’s him. It’s big, and deep, and unlike any version of him you’ve heard…

“Fucking…hold still. Fuck, give me a break.”

The door shakes, the doorknob turns, and as soon as it swings open, all you see is the stranger's terrified face. He’s half-dressed, jeans still mostly zipped, but he slips a little as he makes a run for the door. Seungmin is right behind him, and you just barely see the shine of his knife as he runs by.

Your legs tremble more, and you don’t know how you’re still standing. The feeling of needing to vomit now hits, but nothing happens when you lean forward—just a dry heave, and then your throat tightens right back up. He doesn’t see you…he has one thing in his sights, and it’s almost at the door you’re pretty sure you left unlocked.

The man stumbles again, and Seungmin grabs him by the back of the neck as he falls forward onto the carpet. But he screams, and it’s so loud. You see the glint again as he pulls back and plunges it into the side of his neck. The sound…you think you actually hear the metal as it slides through his skin and tendons and cartilage. Did you really hear it all the way over here? You did hear Seungmin’s angry growl, and you can still hear his heavy, uneven pulls of breath. Finally, you fall to your knees and take one deep breath. The light-headedness outweighs the feeling of vomiting, but you manage to keep it together.

“Son of a bitch,” he says, in English this time, and you definitely hear the blade being pulled out and thrown to the side. It bounces and makes a mess everywhere it hits, and it lands right next to one of the bags you brought home.

Seungmin sighs and runs his fingers through his messy hair, “another fucking mess.” He says it in a sing-songy voice as he turns his head and looks for his knife.

You can see his face now, and it changes immediately when he notices the bags. His eyes grow, and his tongue pokes out a little between his lips. First he looks at his work again, and the mess of blood slowly pouring onto the carpet. Then he looks at the door, which you know he can see is unlocked. If the stranger would have beat him to it…well, you’d rather not think about that. Finally, he turns his head. His eyes seem to soften as they land on you, and something about his face looks guilty.

“Hey,” he says, and very carefully stands up. Seungmin towers over the body, examines it again, and then adjusts his shorts. It’s the only thing he’s wearing, except for two silver necklaces, and a little bit of blood on his stabbing hand. “Hey…I thought you’d be out longer,” he quickly closes the space between you and kneels a few feet away. "Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

You stay in your spot and watch him as he heads for the sink to wash his hands…once, and then a second time.

“You okay?” He kneels again, much closer this time, and places his hand on your knee. “Hm?” Seungmin keeps his face relaxed, and his eyes heavy, as if he’s trying his best not to make this seem as serious as it really is. To him, it is nothing, you think, and he may be lacking a bit in empathy, but he’s smart enough to know that what you just witnessed was a lot. “Do you wanna stand with me?”

No, you don’t, but you nod anyway and give him your hands.

He stares at you for a long time, silent, wondering what to say next. “Why don’t you go take a long, hot shower? I’ll set some clothes in there for you.”

“Why?”

“Because when you come out, you’ll feel a little better, and everything will be back to normal.”

“Normal?”

“Yeah, mostly. Please, just give me…30 minutes.”

“How are you going to fix this in a half an hour?”

That’s a very good question. Seungmin can clean up in that span of time, but he certainly can’t dispose of this body, as well. Luckily, he usually has a backup plan floating around in his head. “You’ll have to believe me.” He relaxes the vice grip he has on your wrists and slides his hands up your arms. “Try to.”

/ / /

He digs out the hard shell suitcase from the living room closet, and thanks himself for choosing a smaller kill this time. This is not how he likes doing things, and the knife is also not his favorite, but what he really doesn’t like is having an audience. This is a first. At least he didn’t know until after the fact.

As soon as the body, his shoes, his shirt, and whatever else he took off, is out of his sight, he focuses on the carpet. He rolls the rug up neatly, cuts it off as cleanly as possible, and wraps it as tightly as he can in several layers of garbage bags. Luckily, nothing made it down to the hardwood floor. Only a few little spots from the knife need to be cleaned. And the knife, of course. The biggest problem now is how he’s getting this down 26 floors to the basement, two separate times before he has a chance to get to the bedroom.

Seungmin tries his best, and he underestimates how good he really is. He locks everything away in his basement storage, for now, and gets back to the apartment with time to spare. Maybe you’ll give him a few extra minutes. Or maybe you’ll stay in there until he comes to get you.

The bedroom isn’t bad, but you know what was going on in here. He pulls off the bedspread and replaces it with a heavy blanket, just big enough to cover the king-size bed. The clothes on the floor get tossed in the hamper. Everything is thrown back in his drawer, neatly, or in the trash. He’s never worked so fast, because he’s never had to, and he really hopes he never has to speed run this again.

Last, he looks down at himself. He’s sweating, and out of breath, but luckily, he can’t find a splatter of blood on him. He rips off the tshirt and sweatpants, and replaces them with fresh ones.

You still haven’t made a sound, thirty-seven minutes later, so Seungmin knocks… “Hey, do you need anything?”

“Can I come out?”

He smiles at your small, timid voice. “Yes, you can come out.”

Seungmin looks around with you, a little paranoid he forgot something in his rush, but everything looks normal. Everything except the missing piece of carpet. He follows as you walk over to inspect the area, and when you seem satisfied, he follows into the bedroom.

“Where is it, the body?” You look around carefully. This is the first time you really explore his bedroom, and Seungmin doesn’t seem to mind when you end up at one of his bookshelves.

“Not here, not in the apartment.” He watches your hand reach for the music box, but you don’t open it. Your finger slides over the lid, and then you move on to the withering vase of flowers.

“You need some fresh heliotrope. We can change the water, though…they might perk up for another day.”

“Yeah, we can do that.” Seungmin’s heart starts to race, and he doesn’t know why. It picks up even more when you return to the music box, gently pop the latch, and open it. He holds his breath, but luckily, he didn’t wind it. It’s quiet.

“Oh, this…” a dainty silver chain is pinched between your fingers, but you examine it closely before you continue, “no, it’s almost the same.” You hold it up so the St. Michael medallion hangs and sways like a pendulum. “Is this yours?”

“It belonged to my mother. So did the music box.” Seungmin reaches out and grabs the charm between his thumb and forefinger. “Yeah, I guess it’s mine.” How did we get from there, to here? he thinks to himself. You don’t ask him anything else—you carefully set the necklace back inside, close it, and pick up the vase of flowers.

“Where did you get these? Is there a greenhouse nearby?

It takes so much of his energy not to tell you exact truths right now, and he doesn’t know why. Seungmin can’t help but want you to ask him what happened; what did you walk into? Why aren’t you more shaken by this? You did have time to think in the shower, but thinking is one thing, and demanding more information is another. He was actually ready to explain himself. “Yeah, sort of.”

“Can we go get more?” Your voice fades as you head for the kitchen, to the sink, where you carefully replace the water in the vase.

No, Seungmin doesn’t think he can handle that right now. He’s never quite sure when he can, and he usually has to force himself. That might be the case soon. He does need to replace these.

“You gonna dry these, too?”

“…are you okay?”

He assumes by the long silence and the way you’re staring at the flowers…probably not. It was a good act, but you still don’t say anything when you walk back to the bedroom and set the vase back in its spot.

“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.” Again, you leave the room. Seungmin is beginning to dislike not getting a proper response from you. “Dammit…will you please just answer me?”

You’ve been trying to think of a way to answer him—you really have. This entire day, aside from your alone time shopping, has been strange, and so uncomfortable. He can’t possibly expect you to just be okay, though…Seungmin isn’t stupid. He just wants something, anything besides you changing the subject again. But how are you supposed to tell him the kill wasn’t the worst part? Or that you weren’t even completely sure he was telling you the truth about his killing? You actually thought for a moment that he made the whole thing up, or exaggerated. You don’t have to wonder about that anymore. He did it, and it wasn’t his first time. “I’m okay, it was just,” you think, stall for another few seconds, “hearing you in there with someone else caught me off-guard.”

“Oh, that’s all? I thought I scared you...set off another panic attack, maybe.” The look you give him makes him revisit his response. “It was just a blowjob, I barely touched him, but that will happen again.”

“I know”

“You're jealous?” Seungmin smirks and takes a step toward you. “Is that it?”

“No, I’m not jealous,” you lie. What a stupid lie. “I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“Nobody else lives in my house, or spends my money.” Another step. “Right?”

“Yes”

Close enough to kiss, but no. He reaches out, touches your neck, and leans forward as he does, “nobody else sleeps in my bed.” You can see yourself in his unblinking eyes, until he’s even closer. His lips ghost over your forehead, moving slowly over your temple, and to the spot just above your ear. He kisses once. “Just you.”

A moment of courage comes over you—he’s so close, and he smells so good, and you need to touch him. His hips feel good in your hands, and when he makes a sound, you move them slowly up his sides. You haven’t forgotten, he’s sensitive here.

Seungmin moves down until his breath tickles your ear, “but nobody touches you,” he kisses again, “or I’ll kill them.”

“I don’t want anyone else”

“Good. Now…are you gonna show me what you bought?”

/ / /

“I can try some, right?” He leans back on the couch, yawns, and stretches. Everything suddenly feels very normal. He feels like himself right now, and you suspect it’s his post-kill high.

The way his eyes follow you all over the room is suffocating, though. For some reason, it's making you feel shy, and way too seen. You can’t figure out what it is he sees in you, and what wants from you, and from all of this. What are you giving that somebody else couldn’t? If you knew what he looked for in his victims, maybe it’d be easier to figure out, but you don’t know. You don’t know why he talked to you that morning.

“Yeah, you bought it”

One of the things you bought, something you definitely didn’t need, was 70,000 won almond blossom tea. You only wandered into the shop to escape the crowd, but the owner let you try a sample, and it was impossible to pass up after tasting it. The scent, and the flavor took you back to the warmth of him wrapped around you this morning. It felt good.

Seungmin sneaks up behind you, and when his hand squeezes your waist, the hot water almost ends up on the counter. “It’s pretty…it smells nice,” he’s so close, you can almost feel his lips on you. “How long?”

“Two minutes.” You didn’t think brewing tea would make him so touchy and sweet, but you’ve started expecting pretty much anything from him. “Maybe a little less.”

“Show me something you bought”

“Pick something”

He slides away and heads for the three large bags at the end of the couch, and then he peeks in each one. “Okay, let’s try this one.” He reaches in and pulls out a smaller bag from inside the large one.

“Oh, maybe not that one…”

“Why not?”

“Pick something else”

“Okay, I’ll try again.” He reaches into another large bag, and again, pulls out a small one. “This one, you can’t say no.”

You nod and hand him his tea, “I won’t say no,” and take a sip. He does, too, and you watch him. “Do you like it?”

Before he answers, he takes one more slow sip, and a smile appears. His cheeks round out, and you see the shine of his teeth behind his lips. “I do…it’s nice and sweet.”

“Good,” you peek in the small bag and pull out a flat white box.

Seungmin watches the little golden movements as he swirls his cup, closes his eyes, and drinks again. Memories pop up in his mind: the kitchen, and the sun coming in through the window above the sink. His favorite chair—it faced the stove where he watched her cook every morning, every afternoon. Bundles of dried flowers hanging by the doorway, and the sweet smell of yakgwa if he behaved all week. Sometimes even if he didn’t.

He doesn’t realize how quickly he drains his cup, and he hopes you’ll make him another one.

“Hey…you there?”

“Hm? Yes, I’m here…sorry”

“I wasn’t sure about getting them, or about getting anything for you. So I hope it’s okay.”

“You bought something for me?" His eyes grow as he looks at the box, "this was supposed to be your shopping trip.”

Still soft, and you hope with everything you have that he stays like this for a little longer. Tonight, in the morning, and maybe through tomorrow. You think it, scream it in your head. Maybe he’ll pick up on it just enough. Maybe it’s the tea. You should make him more.

“I know, but…”

“Let me see," he moves the tissue paper out of the way and looks, touches the soft fabric first, and then carefully picks it up.

“It’s corny, I’m sorry”

“Corny? No, they're beautiful.” He reaches in and picks up the second silky handkerchief, and runs his thumb over the embroidered purple flowers, every petal, “and these won't die." Seungmin keeps one and hands the other back to you. You don't know, of course, but this is the first gift he's been given in years.

“Oh, they came as a pair…you don’t want both?”

“No, you keep one. It doesn’t look like you bought much for yourself.”

He’s right, you didn’t get as much as you should have, and that explains why you got back early and interrupted his work. You should have made a list.

“We can go again tomorrow. Maybe you just need company.”

“Company? You’re gonna go shopping with me?”

“Yes, we can do that. We can get lunch somewhere nice, and maybe we can go get more flowers...what? Is that okay?”

Whatever confused look you’re giving him, he caught it. This is the Seungmin from last night, just happier, and more euphoric. “Yeah, we should do that. How about we have more tea, and then we get some sleep? It’s been a long day.”

“It has, but I need to bleach my hair”

“Right now?”

“Yeah, I almost forgot. There were a lot of people around earlier, when I…you know, picked him.”

“I can help if you’d like. And make you some more tea.”

/ / /

The orangey-blonde head of hair sticking out from the covers confuses you in your half-sleep. It’s early, and you set an alarm, but you can’t remember why. Last night hasn’t come back to you quite yet. The puppy plush is in the gap between you, and you really don’t remember putting him there last night. But he’s there, sitting up, almost like he just walked up and took a seat. He’s still a mystery, just like his owner.

The bleach job didn’t work as well as he’d hoped last night, because he forgot he just tried to darken it a few days before. It’s still soft and pretty, and even in his sleep, his bangs frame his face perfectly. Lucky for him, he’s handsome enough to pull anything off.

Seungmin squirms, rolls onto his other side, and settles again. Now, looking at his face, you remember why you set that alarm. How could you forget? You have the day planned out with him, and you’re counting on a smile when he finally wakes up. Something put him in a better mood, a mood good enough for a date, and you suspect it was two kills in three days. He moves again, but you don’t want to wake him yet. He looks happy, or at least comfortable. If he’s dreaming, it’s not strong enough to show, so maybe he got a good night of sleep. Again, you think, hope, plead for the same man to be there when he wakes.

His eyelashes flutter a few times, and open slowly. Close again, open. He looks at the dog, blinks, and then he finds you. Your stomach swirls with butterflies as he stares, and finally, after really waking up, a smile pulls on his lips—a sweet, sleepy smile.

“Jal jat-ssuh?”

“Ne,” he laughs. “That sounded good. Did you?”

“I did”

“Is my hair still orange?” He sits himself up and pulls on a piece to check.

Hopefully it doesn’t discourage him from today’s plans. Hopefully he remembers today’s plans. “It is, it looks good on you, though. A very handsome tangerine.”

“Tangerine? Do you like tangerines?”

“I love them”

“We’ll get some today”

He didn’t forget, and he’s still okay. Seungmin’s head falls back to the pillow, eyes close again, but his smile stays on his lips. And then he starts to hum. If this mood lasts long enough, maybe you can finally hear him sing. You let him go for a little while longer, until he starts to quiet, probably dozing off again…

Seungmin is cute when he’s focused, and he’s very focused on the grill between you; poking and flipping the meat, plating it carefully. His mouth is squished to one side, and the dimple on his cheek is especially noticeable.

“You’re good at this”

“Hm? Oh, sorry, I’m so used to eating alone. I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

“I am, too, it’s okay.” You take the plate from him, and he hands you a few of the things he hoarded on his side of the table. “How are you feeling?”

“How am I feeling?” He takes a very big bite of zucchini, and it takes a few moments for him to get it down. “I feel…pretty good. Better now that we’re eating. I don’t like being hungry.”

“Good. The mall was pretty crowded, so it was nice not being alone. Still, it’s a little overwhelming.”

“We shouldn’t have to do it again for a while. I think we replaced everything you lost, plus extra.”

“Too much extra”

“No, not if it makes you happy”

Happy Seungmin is still here, and now he has a full stomach...even better. You can’t get attached to this feeling, but you’ve become much more attached to him than you thought was possible it such a short amount of time—all of him, good and bad…and the bad still seems to outweigh the good by a lot. It doesn’t seem believable, looking at him right now, but this was him the day you met, you think. Maybe not completely, because he was obviously on the hunt when you showed up, but this Seungmin was there, a little bit. You could feel it—he felt right. He still does.

“Sitting here with you makes me happy”

He stops stirring his broth and looks at you. Was that too much? It was too much, you might as well have just told him you love him. What if you trigger something, and whatever is going on in his head changes completely? You need to get a hold on whatever is going on in your own head. He’s staring, and you can feel it, even with your eyes fixed on your plate.

“Why?” He whispers. You barely hear it, and it’s as if he’s speaking to himself. Asking himself. “I haven’t done anything to make you feel that way.”

“Yes you have”

“Tell me”

The server interrupts with more banchan, more water, more tea. It gives you a whole ten seconds to think, and not sound like an idiot when you answer. Does he really want to know, or is he just putting you on the spot?

“You came back for me, and you took care of me��do you remember what you said to me last night?”

“I tend to forget what I say, apparently”

There’s some attitude in his voice, and you immediately regret saying it. He obviously remembers you asking him the same thing yesterday morning.

“I remember. Depends, though, I said a lot of things.” He moves his eyes around as he thinks, and you’re relieved to see a smirk pop up. “But I assume you’re referring to…killing anyone who touches you.”

He did say a lot of things last night, but yeah…you nod at him.

“You liked that.” No more attitude. He whispers, almost growls under his breath. “Didn’t you?” His eyes are so heavy, and dark. He’s still smiling, but it’s different. It’s so much different. “You did.”

“Maybe”

“Speaking of that..someone in here has been staring at you since we walked in”

“I doubt that”

His eyes move slowly to the left, and stay there. You look in the same direction as discreetly as possible, and you see who he’s talking about—it’s the bartender, and Seungmin is right. He wipes down the bar and smiles at you, but looks away almost immediately after. Maybe the timing was just a coincidence, though.

“He’s just looking. He barely looked.”

“I don’t really like that, either”

“Seungmin”

A shiver runs over you when he says your name…whispers it. “Why don’t you get up and head to the bathroom. Leave the door unlocked.” He cocks his head to the side when you don’t move, or respond. “Please.”

He smiles when you push your chair back, and shows you all of his teeth when you stand. Still happy. If this keeps him that way, he doesn’t have to ask again—as if you'd deny him. Your legs already shake at the thought of him touching you. The bartender's eyes are on you as you walk by, and you feel them linger as you disappear down the short hallway toward the (luckily) private bathroom. You close the door, lean against it, and look around. It’s nice, at least.

Thirty or so seconds pass between you closing the door, and his soft knock. You don’t know why your heart races. It could be that you’ve never done this before, and it doesn’t help that the bartender saw both of you come back here, and he knows exactly what’s going on. If you’re nervous enough, you won’t be able to do this, and he’ll be very disappointed.

The doorknob turns, and he comes in slowly. It’s just Seungmin, there’s no reason to be nervous, and it’s just public sex…very public for you…but your stomach drops when you see someone else…not him, not even close. You only see the face for a split second before he disappears—pulled backward so fast, and with so much force, the door slams shut again. A thud on the other side of the wall echoes through you, through the bathroom, and you have to assume through the entire restaurant. And then, right before you pull the door open, you hear it again. The man—the bartender, is on the floor, flat on his back with one hand covering his bloody face, and there’s a crack in the plaster wall. Seungmin is standing over him, still seeing red, but showing some restraint by not touching him again.

“Wh-what happened?”

He grabs your arm and pulls you closer. “Naleul bwa...” He nudges the man with his foot until he removes his hand and looks up. “Creep.”

A small crowd gathers at the end of the narrow hallway, but he pushes through, still holding you close. Nobody says a word or stops you as you grab your bags and head for the door, and as soon as you get outside, you’re both lost in the crowd.

“Stop, stop…Seungmin!”

“Yeah, what is it?” He slows down, but he doesn’t stop. “You okay?”

“What the hell happened?”

He doesn’t answer. He’s walking you as far away as possible, as calmly as possible. The look on his face is familiar, but different…nervous, worried, excited maybe. You can tell his adrenaline is sky high, and you don’t know why, but you assume this is unusual for him—this somewhat random act of violence. Almost everything you’ve witnessed from him has been disjointed and clumsy, but he hasn’t been caught yet, so you know he’s been careful up until this point. You’re messing him up.

Finally, he stops and lets you catch your breath.

“We’ll head back, drop your things off…”

“Seungmin”

“I’ll drive us to Uljin, if you still want to get flowers”

“Uljin?”

“Yeah, let’s go before we miss the train”

The train is crowded, of course—standing room only, and Seungmin’s fingers grip your wrist the entire time. He’s clearly overwhelmed and soothing himself; there’s nothing romantic or possessive about it, he’s just suddenly very nervous about something. Either the crowd, or what just happened. You change the subject for now, not wanting to move his mind around the incident anymore than necessary. “Uljin is far.”

“I know. I can get us there in three hours, and if you’re tired we can wait until morning to drive back.”

You close the space still left between you, until your face grazes his sweatshirt, “why so far for flowers?” The small corner of the silk handkercheif just pokes out from his back pocket. You didn't notice it before, or catch him putting it there before you left this morning.

“They’re the best ones. And they’re always there for me.”

The ride wasn’t as long and awkward as you feared it would be. Both of you were silent most of the way, but Seungmin kept his music low the entire time, not once deviating from whatever playlist he initially put on. It feels like he’s made this drive more than a few times, and he has a set routine. As you moved closer and closer to the end of the drive, everything became greener, and darker. Lush and beautiful in some spots, but desolate and almost forgotten in others. It all seemed to reflect him.

You’re not sure how far out you are from the destination when he makes the second and final stop, but it’s been three hours, almost exactly, so you wonder why he made another stop at all.

He doesn’t go inside the gas station, but you do. For no reason, really. You check yourself in the bathroom mirror, grab some water, and then watch him for a moment before leaving. Maybe he just needed to stretch his legs—he’s walking slowly toward the edge of the pumps, and then across toward where a small section of woods start. It zig-zags upward and into a much larger section that you can’t see the end of. Seungmin is staring through those trees, hands in his coat pockets, and he doesn’t move when you exit and jingle the bell above the door.

“Here, you haven’t had anything since we left.” He looks at the bottled water in your hands, sighs, and takes it.

“About twenty minutes…we should be there”

“Where exactly is there?” Seungmin downs half of his water before stopping and taking a breath. It’s cold out, but sweat is beading on his forehead and around his temples. You reach up and touch his cheek with the back of your hand, and he turns his head away. “Sorry. You’re very warm. Do you feel okay?”

He nods and takes another long drink, “there is the house I grew up in.”

“Oh.” They’re the best ones, and they’re always there for me makes much more sense now. It’s sentimental. The flowers here are special…special enough for a six-hour roundtrip drive.

The remainder of the trip takes you further into the woods. The road narrows, and the pine trees get closer and closer until, every mile or so, there’s a break in the woods, a clearing, and you can see the sky as it slowly darkens. You know when you arrive, because there’s one lonely hanok in the distance. Seungmin sighs again. He never turned the music back on, so you can hear every sound, and every breath. The snap of twigs under the tires, the chirp of bugs, and the chatter of a few magpies fills most of the silence.

“You grew up here?”

He doesn’t answer until you turn and look at him.

“Yeah, until I was nine. And then…” he can stop there. He doesn’t have to tell you every single thing. You’re just making conversation, not setting him down for therapy. “I got passed around to different family members.”

“Were they good to you?”

Somebody certainly wasn’t, and Seungmin knows you know that. He can feel you looking through him, gathering up his thoughts, and his feelings, and figuring things out on your own. “Yes, my grandparents did the best they could, and my aunts…they did, too.”

His answers just make more questions, considering his life now, but you’ll save them for another time.

The car comes to a slow stop. The house is dark and overgrown, but still somewhat looked after, you assume because of him. To your left is a large garden shed, not as well kept. Once, it was probably nice, but time was not kind to it. A little further down is a large greenhouse, also starting to show its age, but it’s iron and glass, and it’s standing strong without much help.

“Good”

“I wasn’t…uh,” he stops himself this time, and reconsiders. Instead of finishing his thought, he opens the door and steps out.

You do the same, and as soon as you stand and close the door, something hits you. It hits your chest, and works its way down to your stomach until you can’t stay on your feet. You kneel, trying not to fall onto the cold, damp ground, but your hands spread out in front of you as you lean forward and empty the contents of your stomach onto the grass.

“Fuck…what happened? Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah I think so. Maybe.”

“Do you get car sick?”

His hand on your shoulders takes you back two nights, and the memory makes you feel a little bit better. Opening your eyes and staring into the distance makes it worse again. “No.”

“You’re warm, too”

“Maybe we should do this tomorrow, if we’re staying the night." After the long drive, Seungmin might want to do it now, so why are even asking? But you also know he doesn't feel well. The fever heat between the two of you could bloom more flowers. "We should."

“We can," he says, secretly a little grateful, “I’ll find a room somewhere”

He pulls you to your feet, and it feels awful, but once you’re up and leaning against him, the dizziness is gone. “We’re not staying here?”

“No, we wouldn’t be very comfortable in there”

/ / /

The sick feeling passes eventually, and the room Seungmin finds at the last minute is not far. It’s small, and it’s comfortable. He’s working on the instant tteokbokki a few feet away, very focused, just like he was at the restaurant.

“It smells good”

“Feeling better? We have frozen bungeoppang, too. The hosts are very generous, we got lucky.”

“Lucky, even with one tiny bed?”

“Yeah, even with one tiny bed,” he laughs, and looks at the twin-size bed tucked away in the corner. He’s reminded of the one in your apartment that he never got to try, and he’s surprised his mind can even go there right now. The memory of his last trip home is mostly a blur, even though it wasn’t more than a day or two before you showed up. “Let’s eat, and get into bed.”

Still happy. So why are you suddenly feeling so empty? “I don’t wanna go to sleep yet.” You pick at and stir your food, and watch him devour his. “Hey…”

“Yes?”

“What happened earlier, at the restaurant?”

He was hoping you forgot about that. Seungmin isn’t typically violent unless he plans on seeing it to the end, so today was unusual. He keeps himself out of sight, and out of people’s memories, because he can’t afford to be noticed that much. He doesn’t regret what he did, though, and he has no problem admitting to himself that it felt good. “Before I got up, he started following you. He watched you walk by, and maybe you looked at him and he thought it was an invitation…or he’s just a piece of shit taking advantage of the opportunity.”

“I don’t think I looked at him”

“I caught up, just in time”

“And smashed his face into the wall”

“I didn’t know what I was going to do, but yeah, it seemed like the best choice at the time”

“It was effective”

“Still ruined our moment.” Seungmin’s eyes are tired, but he’s obviously nudging you into bed for more than just sleep. He wants to make up for whatever lust was building inside of him earlier, and you haven’t told him no a single time yet. Why would he expect you to tell him no tonight? But you’re feeling off—much more than just tired. It may have been the adrenaline rush earlier, combined with the very long car ride. It could just be the new setting, because the new setting reminds you a little bit of home, right down to the claustrophobic woods and this 300 square feet of living space.

“Maybe we should go to sleep.” You say, staring hard at your food as you eat. “It’s been a long day.”

/ / /

The twin bed is perfect, at least for you. Seungmin backed himself against the wall and kept his hands to himself after you crawled in beside him, and luckily, there was nothing but sleep for both of you almost immediately. A sharp pinging sound wakes you, and you open your eyes to him at the tiny kitchen counter. The sound you hear is sleet falling against the window, and the realization makes you shiver under the covers…but the smell of brewing coffee brings you right back.

The icy rainfall picks up as you force yourself into a sitting position, but staying up is still hard, regardless of his soft good morning, and his eyes peeking over his mug.

“Morning.” The headache has been there for a while, but you’re conscious now, and really feeling it. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost eleven, we slept a lot”

You count to three and force your feet onto the cold floor, “doesn’t sound like good driving weather out there,” and make it to the other stool, where now you see an empty mug and a plate of warm bungeoppang. Without a word, you reach a hand up and set it on his forehead. “How did you sleep?”

Seungmin doesn’t shake it away, but he gives you a confused look, and he shrugs. “I slept.”

“Did you have any dreams? Nightmares?”

“The usual. Why?”

“Just wondering.” Because you had one, too. “You had a fever yesterday. It’s gone.”

“I think you took it from me, you look miserable”

“Do I?” Miserable is a strong word, but the headache, and the slightly off feeling is definitely close. Maybe you’re allergic to something up here. You make a mental note to take something for that, and for the headache, just in case.

“As soon as the rain stops, we’ll get what we came for, and then head back. Eat something.”

/ / /

The drive through the narrow forest road is even crunchier this time. Tiny icicles hang off tree branches, and no bugs chirp this time…no birds sing. It’s somehow darker this afternoon than it was yesterday at dusk, and the low mist hanging over the property makes you wish you would have just gotten this over with yesterday. Something strange is definitely living in these woods It’s beautiful, though, in its own lonely way. It’s still very alive here and it breathes easily through the cracks in the wood.

Seungmin is quiet, and you expect that. Whatever you’re feeling right now, he must be feeling it threefold. This is his home—or it was, at least, at a very important time in his life. The memory of why he had to leave is still lingering here.

Greenhouse is all he says as he steps out. You follow, and this time, you feel okay when your feet hit the ground. The headache is still there, but not so bad that you can’t fight through it, so you catch up with him and try not to lose your footing in the soft, muddy ground.

“Take your time, it’s uneven down here”

You watch each step as you take it, and weave around the stones and spots where the grass is drowning from the melted snow and ice. Some spots are still slick, so you wonder how anything could possibly be hanging on mid-December…especially what he came for. Even inside the greenhouse. You catch a shine of light from the corner of your eye and stop, even as he bolts ahead of you. Something in the ruins of the shed catches what little bit of sunlight makes it through the clouds.

"Come on..."

The boots you wore could have been better; could have been worse. Seungmin’s Redwings are splattered and caked with mud, old and new, because he knew what he was getting into up here. These are specifically the boots he wears here, you think. No hunting, no murder, no body disposal. Every job has its own equipment.

It’s even prettier up close, and inside, through the condensation rising up every perfect panel of glass, you see green and yellow. Purple, and blue. He opens the door to the anteroom, and the sweet smell of flowers fills you up. When he opens the main door, the warmth still trapped inside almost knocks you on your back.

“Does someone tend to this all year, or…”

“No.” He heads to a workspace in the corner and picks up a pair of gardening shears, a little rusty, but probably still very sharp. “Nobody comes here but me.”

“I like it, it’s nice”

“Yeah?”

You catch up to him and nod, “mhm, I don’t like it outside, but this is better.”

Seungmin leads you to the spot filled with purple flowers. Some of them fill big decorative pots, and some are elevated on homemade wooden shelves, but the largest ones are in the ground. It’s a little bit chaotic, but something about it feels organized at the same time. It’s everywhere, but it’s everywhere exactly where somebody wanted it.

“I see why you came all this way. It’s yours.”

He doesn’t answer. Seungmin lowers himself to the ground and kneels, and you watch as he does nothing for a very long time. The sounds of the greenhouse take over; the creak of the panels as the wind outside hits, and the cries of the bugs. Whatever insects managed to make a home for themselves here are very happy. And it isn't until now that you notice the sound of a single windchime. You find a spot to sit and wait, but you keep your eyes on him. Eventually, after more of his silence passes, it feels as if you’re intruding on something very personal, so you stand, quietly turn away, and focus your attention on a different spot; on different flowers.

What he’s doing over there is more cathartic and necessary than you can imagine.

Seungmin is always careful about how much he cuts and where he cuts from. Some blossoms seem brighter than others, and those are the ones he knows he can take. But before he does anything…

“how have you been?”

It’s exceptionally quiet, and his voice, so soft and light, carries in the small space. At first, you assume he’s speaking to you, because he’s speaking English. But he’s not. You can’t block out his words, so you walk as far from him as you can in an attempt to give him some privacy, but…he knows you’re here. He invited you inside knowing what he was going to do.

“Okay, I guess…sometimes it’s tough to tell from the inside”

Silence. He waits a few moments before speaking again…

“I am, I promise”

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　　

“I know, I’m not alone this time, isn’t that strange? It feels so strange”

⋆ . 　　˚　　　　*　　　

“Yes, it’s a good thing, I know”

　✦　˚ 　˖✶

“I’m trying really hard, I promise”

The silence is much longer this time. You think he might be finished, but he speaks one more time…

“Saranghaeyo…I love you, too”

You finally turn and look at him through a cluster of forget-me-nots, and he’s bowing so low you can hardly see him. The sound of the shears opening and closing finally comes, and you see him very carefully trimming what he needs. Two bundles. He takes both to the workspace, ties them with string, and wraps them gently in dark brown paper. The amount of care he takes is impressive, and he doesn’t rush through it. You take the opportunity to move closer to the blooms of heliotrope, but not too close. Just enough to admire them. They look like they just saw a warm, summer day, not the cold, icy morning you woke to. You almost forget it’s December as you stare at them.

“I’m ready, if you are.” His voice, still gentle, makes you jump.

“Yes, I’m ready”

“Oh, hold on.” Seungmin walks to the corner where you hid, looks around for something, and after a few minutes of him moving things around, digging, pulling, and digging again, he returns with dirt-covered hands and a small pot filled with the little blue flowers. “We’ll take these, too.”

He hands it over, and you hold it close as you start toward the cold again. The rain begins to fall as you carefully make your way back to the car, but it’s just a fine mist this time, no more ice. The bundles of heliotrope are placed in the backseat, but you hold tight to your flowers. Seungmin never implied they were yours, but you know they are. The forget-me-nots are for you.

The closer you get to Seoul, the more withdrawn you feel him becoming. There was some conversation this time, very minimal, and very light, but you said nothing of Uljin, or the greenhouse, or the conversation he had with the flowers. It slowly dwindled until it became a painful silence; no music, not even a contemplative sigh from him. You held your flowers and stared out of your window until the countryside slowly turned to small town, to city, to busy highways, and finally…home. Home?

“I’ll be gone for a few hours”

He tended to his flowers first. One bundle in the vase, the other tied and hung on the side of the window nearest the kitchen.

“Gone? You’re leaving?”

“Haven’t we seen enough of each other over the last two days?”

“Uhm…” Yeah, you guess so. “Sure.”

“I have to get rid of that body, and the carpet. It might take a while.”

The body. You completely forgot about two nights ago. How could you forget about watching him kill someone right in front of you? Luckily, Seungmin didn’t. He may have kept it at the front of his mind this entire time.

A quick change of clothes, and he’s gone without another word or glance in your direction.

The last two days and the night before was more than you expected from him—but enough? How could it possibly be enough? Whoever you were with today in the greenhouse, and in bed with yesterday morning; there’s so much of him you haven’t seen yet. You’ve barely met him. This was nowhere near enough.

So you shower and sort your things from your two shopping trips in an attempt to keep your mind occupied. But where to put them? Not in his drawer, because you need permission for that, and not in his neat, organized (full) closet. Eventually, you decide on folding and setting most of it on the chest near his bookshelves. The vase of flowers sit brand new and bright and fragrant exactly where the previous ones did, and now you have a chance to really look at them; you touch the delicate little petals and lean forward to take in more of the scent, and you wonder what exactly all of this means to him, because it’s something very special. Some of it you think you can figure out on your own, but you know there’s much more.

The flowers send your thoughts back to the music box. Your fingers itch to touch it again—to pick it up and turn the key, so you do. Seungmin isn’t here, and he might not be back for hours, and maybe he wouldn’t mind you looking at everything more closely. He didn’t seem to mind the first time. You pick it up and examine it in the low light. On top, there's a design burned and stained into the wood: a cloud-covered full moon shining down on a leaping rabbit. You turn the key three times, and hold it as it plays a sweet, sad melody that you don’t recognize. Inside you see the necklace, the one that looks almost exactly like yours, a silver bracelet, and a ring that could only be a wedding band. There’s a small piece of worn paper tucked into the corner, folded into the shape of a butterfly, and you leave that alone. You can see little bits of Hangul written on it, so clearly, it’s some sort of note. Even if you could read it…well, you could always use your phone and translate it—no, it’s none of your business.

The drawer could be your business, though. You’ve already seen it, and you can’t imagine it’s much different now than it was that night, but just thinking about it gets your heart racing.

You click his lamp on first, and look at everything sitting on the table. These are things you haven’t done yet, and there are so many little details about him still to learn. His glasses sit in their open case; a pair of thick black-rimmed ones, not the ones you’ve seen him in. His other ones, the ones that suited him so well, were round metal frames, and they’re not here. His silver Chanel necklace is here, and two prescription bottles that you never noticed before. KIM SEUNGMIN is written on the side of both—lorazepam (the little white pill he offered during your panic attack) and haloperidol. The haloperidol doesn’t look like it’s been touched, but the other is nearly empty. So, he has been diagnosed with something, and medicated for it, he just hasn’t followed through with his treatment. Maybe he’s tried, and it didn’t work—or it didn’t work the way he wanted it to. Finally, the drawer. It’s a little messier than you remember, but not bad. He probably hasn’t touched it since he killed two nights ago because the knife isn’t back in its spot. The sheath is there, and the cuffs, the gag. You carefully pick up one of the syringes and examine it, turn it so you can see the liquid inside move around like a tiny lava lamp. Still three of them. Further back, you feel something else. Something small. It’s an earring, just a tiny gold cuff, and it looks familiar. You reach and touch the top of your left ear, and you realize it’s yours. It must have fallen off while you slept, and he found it, and threw it in his drawer…but why didn’t he just return it?

Just as you put it back and turn off the lamp, you hear the click of the lock. You’d like to stay up and greet him, but if he’s still in the mood he was when he left, it might not be worth it. Instead, you climb under the covers and turn off the lamp on your side. He doesn’t come in right away. You can hear him go straight to the shower, and you stay awake and listen the whole twenty minutes he spends in there. Next, you hear him in the kitchen, and the thought makes your stomach growl. You haven’t eaten since midway through the ride home earlier, and that’s hardly worth mentioning. Maybe you should get up and see him, eat with him, if that’s what he’s doing. But you can’t move. You look at your phone: 9 pm. It’s not late at all, but the dark and the cold makes it feel so much later.

As soon as you smell coffee brewing, you decide to get up and check on him.

Seungmin is sitting in the kitchen, elbows on the counter, head down, face completely hidden in his hands. You can’t actually go out there and face him—no, you’re going to be a coward, because the possibility of his anger, no matter how small, is already making you tear up. But his little movements, the shake of his shoulders, make you think that’s what he’s already doing. You push the door up and slink back to bed and under the covers, and this time you somehow fall asleep.

/ / /

The cold air and smell of cigarette smoke wake you, hardly half an hour later, and as soon as you open your eyes, Seungmin slides the balcony door closed. You briefly shut them again when he walks up your side of the bed, and heads to his bookshelf. He looks at the flowers but does nothing else, and because he turned his lamp back on, you can see his face, and you can tell he was crying. He lifts his arm and wipes his cheeks with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, so you have to assume he just managed to stop while he smoked.

He stretches his neck, pulls his sweatshirt off, and heads for his side of the bed. You feel the blankets shift, and the movement as he sits and slides himself underneath. Then you hear the rattle of a pill bottle…the full one, but you don’t hear him remove the lid. He shakes it again, as if he’s looking at it and thinking, but places it back on the table, unopened. You’re relieved when he finally settles onto his pillow. You can relax again, maybe even turn and face him in your pretend sleep, but you don’t get a chance; Seungmin moves closer, and closer. You try not to jump when his hand slides hesitantly up your arm, over your shoulder, and then back down. He moves once more, until his chest can press against your back.

You’re positive he can feel your racing heart, your erratic breathing. His steady breath is traveling down your neck, under the collar of his tshirt you’re still wearing. Should you say something, let him know you’re awake and here with him? It’s possible the thought of you sleeping while he does this makes it easier, and you don’t want to ruin that, so you wait. His hand is on you again, but the touch is still hesitant and stuttery. Seungmin is thinking about his next move. He’s unsure.

After a few more moments, it slides between your arm and your waist, wraps around your stomach, and gently squeezes. He’s pulling you tight against him, finally, all of him. His forehead rests against the nape of your neck; his hips, his thighs, all curve and surround you. Skin on skin, warm under the blankets. You wait until you feel him relax, then set your hand over his…

“Oh, did I wake you?”

“No, you didn’t.” You feel him pull his hand back, but you hold tight and lace your fingers with his. “You didn’t.”

“How long have you been up?”

“Not long, I heard you coming in from the balcony.” Seungmin isn’t as relaxed now. You can feel his body tense, and his breathing change. “I felt you climb into bed.”

He pulls away again, and this time, he escapes your grasp. Seungmin pushes himself back, and when you turn to look, he’s already facing away, readjusting himself back into his spot.

“Seungmin?” Does he think you saw him crying? He must, and he’s right. Should you tell him he’s allowed to do that? “Can I come over there?” You whisper. “Please.”

“If you want to”

“I do,” you crawl to him and get back under the blankets, but instead of wrapping an arm around his waist, you grab his hip and pull until he’s flat on his back. “If…you want me to,” you really hope your smile will spread to him, but he just looks exhausted. His eyes are red and swollen, and his face is pale.

“Say it again,” he mumbles.

“Say what?"

Seungmin lets you push the hair away from his forehead and out of his eyes. “My name."

“Your name?”

He nods and closes his eyes, so your gaze drops to his lips—you haven’t kissed them in a long time, and now seems like the perfect opportunity. “Seungmin.”

“Mm, I like the way it sounds when you say it”

“Have I been saying it okay? Is my accent messing it up?”

“No…it’s perfect”

You take a chance while his eyes are still closed, first at the corner of mouth, and then a little closer. He doesn’t move, so you press your lips firmly against his. He returns it, and his breath deepens. You think he might stop at any moment, so you enjoy it—the way he tastes, the coffee and the leftover minty sweetness of his cigarette. He stays, though. He touches you. Seungmin’s hand moves to your waist and pulls you closer, and you think, maybe the night will be okay now…but it doesn’t last very long. It’s gone, and he turns his head until you stop kissing. Your lips land on his neck, and they stay there.

“Seungmin” you say again, whispering it slowly and carefully.

“I haven't been feeling very good”

“You haven't? What is it?”

He sniffles, and moves his legs against yours under the blankets. Seungmin is warm, but not fever-warm, and something tells you he doesn’t mean physically. Maybe he’ll open up this door, though. Telling you he isn’t feeling well is already a lock unlocked.

But he doesn’t say another word. What he does do is let you touch—he relaxes again as your palm slides over his chest, down his stomach. You press your lips to his collarbone and make a path across his shoulder. “Tell me what’s hurting.”

“Everything”

“Everything?”

“Almost everything”

"Your body?"

He slowly shakes his head.

"Something up here?"

Seungmin's eyes dart toward you as your fingers run through his hair. He thinks for a long moment before answering. "A little."

"Alright, one more...here?"

His hand closes over yours on his chest, but he doesn't give you a yes or no answer. If it's a yes, which you suspect it is, he's probably not going to give you anything else. You leave it at that.

“Tell me what feels okay, maybe it’ll help a little,” you follow the path you made, returning to his collarbone, and working your way up his neck. This time he’s more receptive to it, and his cheek turns to press against yours. “What feels good?”

Seungmin sets his hand on the small of your back and brings you closer. “Good?”

“Mhm…and how can I make it even better? Let me make you feel good.”

“Bite”

“Bite?”

“Right there, please”

You don’t bite yet, but you kiss him again, lick, and graze your teeth across his skin. “Right here?”

The sound he makes is small, and desperate, like he’s afraid you might not do it. “Please.”

Very cautiously, you suck the skin again, and bite until he makes another sound. It feels like a lot of pressure, but it’s not enough for him. You try again.

“Yeah…like that,” he moans, and squirms beneath you, “don’t be shy.”

The spot you sunk your teeth into starts to turn red, and the marks are there…but you didn’t break the skin. You kiss it, and then kiss a new spot just below it and nibble. When he squirms again, you bite down hard, and this time he sounds satisfied. He grabs your hand and guides it under his waistband, and you bite again when your fingers move over his head, down the length of his cock. You stroke him, and watch him watch you work.

“Don’t stop,” he brings you down to his chest, and when your tongue finds his nipple, “harder please”…you bite, and his hips push into your touch. “Fuck.”

You don’t hold back this time, and you feel the skin break between your teeth. The coppery taste of blood hits your tongue when you lick the spot, and Seungmin makes a sound like he’s never made for you before, and he moans your name…

“Seungmin”

“Mmm…yeah?” He sighs and grips your arm as you stroke, “yeah?” and he smiles as his head hits the pillow. Blood starts to bead from the mark on his chest, and it slowly drips down toward his stomach.

You watch it, then look at him, and the urge to clean it off is too strong to ignore. This is new for you. Is it new for him? Before you get the chance to try, he sits up. “Oh, you gonna bite me?”

Seungmin smiles, shakes his head, “no,” and gets himself out of his shorts, “no, sit back…” he touches you, and slides his hands up your outer thighs, but instead of undressing, they come back down, caressing, squeezing, as if he’s taking a moment to admire you. It gives you a knot in your stomach, the thought of it, and the look on his face. The next time they move up, he grabs your underwear and pulls.

The knot grows; the nervous feeling in your stomach won’t go away, and you don’t know why, because you’ve been here already. You’ve been with him, no panic attack. Again, he touches—very softly runs his fingertips over the top of your thigh and to your knee.

“Give me your arms, hold onto me.” He throws more pillows behind you, and rearranges them while he holds you against him. It feels so sweet and so personal, how he’s tending to the spot where he wants you. “Comfortable?”

“Oh…yeah,” you grip the back of his neck, and the other hand digs into his side. “This is nice.”

“Mm, your nails are sharp”

“Are they? Sorry,” you adjust your hold on him, but he shakes his head as you do.

“No…do your worst. Or your best, I guess.”

The thin line of blood running down his chest is beginning to dry, and the marks you made all over him are darkening. He wants more, though, and you can do that. You gently rake your fingers up his back…just enough to tickle, and then back down with a little more pressure. At the same time, his fingers tease you, ghosting up and down so perfectly and carefully.

You spread your legs in anticipation of more. “Hey,” you whisper. His eyes are wide open, but focused elsewhere, just away from you. He’s thinking hard, or spacing out…you can’t tell. “Look at me.”

A little smile tugs at his lips when he looks up, “hm?” And his eyes are big and shining inches from yours, ready to swallow you up. He pushes his hair away from his forehead and comes in for a kiss, and you’re not prepared. At all. It’s just like the elevator kiss—so deep and eager like he can’t get close enough. You fall back on your spot and pull him with you, and he keeps going, slips his tongue in, and moans softly into your mouth. You scratch across his back, not enough to mark, and he does it again.

Each time, you give him more. A little more pressure, a little slower.

He slides in, and with each push, hits deeper and stretches more. His lips keep kissing, though, like he’s trying to distract from the pain he might be causing as he pushes every inch into you. But with every twinge of pain, you dig deeper, pull so slowly, and feel your nails get close to breaking skin.

When you open your eyes to check, his upper back is so much more red and angry than you anticipated.

“Don’t stop,” he whines as he finally pulls away from the kiss.

“It looks so sore…Seungmin, I dunno if I can…” from here you see old scratches mixed in with the new ones, much older, scarred over—they look like more than scratches. How did you never notice them before? You’ve never seen him like this, in this light.

“You can,” he pants, “please.”

The skin is hot when you touch it, and you wince just thinking about how it must feel, but Seungmin doesn’t make a sound when you graze over it. He does, however, let you know that he likes it when you push your nails in again. One more swipe and you see blood.

You stop, and he doesn’t ask you to do it again—instead, he pushes in fully and stays there, kisses and sucks at your neck, nibbles a little, but nothing like what you did to him.

“Good,” he sighs and pushes your thighs upward, and he starts to move in and out, slow at first, but he can’t help himself. His breath catches as he speeds up, and loses himself in the moment, but still, he stays in your neck, moaning against your skin, and breathing down your back…into your ear where he whispers a fuck…fuck, as if he could come any second.

“Slow,” you knead your fingers into his hip, hold him off a little bit, “slow down, relax.”

Seungmin listens and does his best, but it feels too good.

“We have all night...all night”

But this is what he needs. He wants it now. This will make him feel better. All of this. The sting of his back, the gentle throb from each little bite mark, you squeezing so tight around him.

You place a hand on his shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere…Seungmin?” Then move it to the nape of his neck, being careful not to touch the scratches.

This time, he slows much more, almost stops. You worry for a moment and wonder if the words didn’t fall quite right on his ears, but you meant want you said—you’re not leaving.

“I do want you…all night,” Seungmin smiles, and he lets out a laugh tinged with nerves, as if he’s embarrassed about admitting exactly what he wants, or what he needs.

“Good. Did this…” you touch the spot on his chest, and smear the almost dried blood. Then you touch another. “Did this help?”

“A little”

“Sit up,” you hook your arm around his neck as he rises, and now you can slide onto his lap. “Hold onto me.”

Seungmin holds you where you are, hands on your hips, eyes on the space between you. You lift yourself, and you don’t have to tell him what to do—you’re more than ready for him again, and his cock slides in smoothly as you come down.

“Oh, that’s good.” Seungmin is smiling again, and his satisfied laugh is much less anxious. He grabs the back of your shirt and pulls so he can see everything as you move up and down on him…”neomu johda” he mumbles under his breath, “nice and slow,” lifts your shirt over your head, and both arms wrap around you.

“Much better, yeah?”

His presses his cheek against your chest, and you can feel his nod.

“I don’t mind working for it”

Seungmin laughs again, and turns his face to kiss wherever he can get to; your shoulders, your throat, down your chest to the soft skin of your breast. He’s surprisingly gentle when he gets there, and even more so when he runs his tongue around your nipple. He stares up at you, eyes wide and shining, as if he’s waiting for something…your reaction, your approval. It’s not a side of him you’ve seen—you didn’t think he even had a side like this.

You run the pad of your thumb just under his eye, where a faint scar shines in the light, and he smiles again. His face disappears against you, so all you see is the top of his peachy-colored head. Seungmin squeezes you close before letting go, and he falls back to rest on his palms.

“Cute”

His eyes open even wider, “what?” And he very slowly lowers himself as you push him flat on his back. “Me?”

“Maybe”

“Maybe?”

“You know what would be really cute?” You ask.

“What’s that?”

“You…coming for me”

Seungmin smirks when you laugh, and slowly rolls his hips, “so I can come now?” Your laugh turns to a moan. He does it again, and takes your hands in his. “How’s that feel?” He asks, already knowing the answer.

“Don’t stop”

He doesn’t. Seungmin rolls his hips, sliding in and out so smoothly, but the stretch, the pain—this pain feels so good, just like his pain, your bites and your scratches. And the pressure as you finally get all of him in, when your body finally slams into his hips, Seungmin moves faster and faster, pulling you down close enough to kiss as he fucks you. He bites softly at your lip, slides his tongue against yours. The kiss throws you over the edge, and your orgasm hits so fast, and so hard, you scream right down his throat. His cum runs warm out of you as he slows, and stops, but you keep kissing, and Seungmin returns it.

“Okay,” you don’t want to, but you pull away to breathe, and Seungmin pulls you back for one more, “okay.” You lay down on him and try to catch your breath, listen as he catches his, and close your eyes to the feel of his chest rising and falling. One hand slides across your shoulders, and the other sets at his side, fingers fidgeting and picking at the blanket, and everything feels good, and normal.

The rumble in his chest as he groans and sighs brings you back a little, but you’re not ready to be back quite yet. It’s too nice, laying here on his chest, listening to the wild beat of his heart. But you give in, and look up at him—Seungmin is just as relaxed, maybe more. You slowly lift yourself off of him, and pull at the blankets, but you’re the wrong way around, and covering up isn’t easy.

“Seungmin?”

His eyes open slowly, and then immediately shut again.

“Turn over, so I can look at your back.” He listens, but this time, he winces in pain when the skin moves and stretches. “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

Before you get up, you have to give your legs a stretch, and before you can walk, you stand for a moment and adjust. As soon as your shirt is back over your head, you carefully head to the bathroom, trying not to trip in the dark. The hand towels are in the very last drawer you check, but the water comes out ice cold, just like you need it.

You lost yourself with him. Pushing him on his back was stupid, and a few of the scratches broke open even more.

“How does it feel?” You ask, and very slowly drape the cold towel across his shoulders. He winches again, but it’s quickly followed by a sigh of relief. “It hurts now that the moment is over, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, but it’s not as bad as it looks. I promise.”

Even if you do believe him, you can still see the pink of his blood coming through the opposite side of the thin towel. It spreads out and connects and starts to look like angel wings…butterfly wings. You think of the old note in his music box.

“Are there lots of butterflies in the greenhouse in spring?”

“Hm?” Seungmin lifts his head and tries to look at you, but you’re too far back. “Butterflies?”

“Yeah,” maybe you shouldn’t be mentioning the greenhouse right now, or bringing the trip back to his mind, but…he was happy for it. “The heliotrope and the asters, butterflies love them.”

“Yeah, you’re right…that’s why—“ he stops himself and lays his head back down on the bed, “that’s why they’re in there. Why do you ask?”

“Uhm, no reason…it just came to mind”

“We’ll see in a few months, I guess”

In a few months. In the future. That’s a nice thought. Will you both still be here? You look down at him and wonder as you gently lift the towel to inspect. “Do you have any antibiotic ointment?”

“You don’t have to do all that”

“Bathroom?”

Seungmin nods.

/ / /

He stares at you from his spot on the bed, right side up this time. Seungmin is on his stomach still, with one pillow fluffed up under his head and chest. You can’t tell for sure, but he might be a little annoyed at you for covering him in cream and making him stay still.

“Are you going to sleep?” He asks in a small voice. “Are you tired?”

“No, I’m not anymore…but you look tired”

“I’m always tired,” he turns away and pushes his face into the pillow, “or I always look tired.”

“No, you don’t. Just very pensive, and sad, and handsome.”

“Handsome? You said I was cute.” His face is still mostly hidden, but you can see one eye peeking at you.

“Yeah, you’re cute when you think really hard, or when you’re worried”

“So, all the time?”

“All the time”

The quiet that falls over the room is nice—it’s not awkward, or filled with questions. There’s no tension. Seungmin just lies there, eyes closed, comfortable and content, and he doesn’t move when you lay down next to him. You could fall asleep if you allowed yourself, but you could also lay here and look at him for a little while longer. All night. You pull the blankets higher, grab a second pillow, and something familiar catches your eye. The little yellow puppy rolls and falls between the bed frame and the wall, but you catch him just before he disappears. “Do you walk around on your own?” His big black eyes stare silently, and they remind you of someone.

“Do I look sad all the time?”

There they are…they open so wide, and he seems to focus on a spot somewhere behind you—somewhere in the dark where the light doesn’t reach.

“No, you don’t look sad right now”

Seungmin reaches out and takes his friend by the paw, squeezes it. Now he looks sad, as if something suddenly started weighing on his mind. You glance to the table where his pills sit, and wonder, stupidly, if you should ask about them—ask very gently if he’s given them a chance. Not tonight, though. “Does he have a name?”

“Hm? Oh…him, yeah he does. His name is Daengmo.” Seungmin smiles as he says it, but it matches the rest of him; sad. “Daengmo,” he whispers.

“Does it mean anything?”

“Yes, daengdaengie is for puppy, mo is…uhm,” he stops and thinks. Or hesitates. “Mo, for a nickname I had when I was little.”

“Mo? Your nickname was Mo?”

“Mo, or Seungmo. My mom called me that when I didn’t listen…when I misbehaved.”

“Maybe I should be calling you Mo”

The sad look fades a little, “because I’m bad?” Seungmin lifts himself up on his elbows and turns on his side.

“You are, objectively, sometimes. But…” Seungmin does bad things, and you’ve witnessed some of it. He’s lied, and he’s manipulated. He might still be lying, for all you know. But he’s also told you truths. You’re choosing to trust him right now, just like you’ve been since he brought you home, because he has shown you a surprising amount of kindness even though it was clearly difficult for him. “No, I don’t think you’re bad," ...because you think you might be in love with him.

“I’m glad you think that. I am, though. I’m a nightmare."

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christakisbang · 1 year ago

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kim daengdaeng my little puppy ㅋㅋ thank you for always teasing me and thank you for taking care of me ㅋㅋ gukbap ㅋ

#if u ever find urself thinking 'chan takes care of everyone but who takes care of chan' the answer will always be seungmin #stray kids #seungchan #bang chan #kim seungmin #stray kids gifs #skz #skz gifs #my gifs #cbbc2023 #i rewatched their 2kr while making this and ended up crying ksdjgsg ough they're so special to me. ik ive said this about every chan duo #meant it everytime!#but seungchan...dogboy4dogboy....ksm who will always always offer food to chan first bc he knows chan wont eat until everyone else does..#ksm who knows him so well and knows just what he needs and will let him cry all he wants and stay with him while he does ksm who when #chan said he wants to be their pillar and someone they can depend on went 'whatever sides u show us hyung will always be hyung'#hhh i just think. seungmin is incredibly emotinally intelligent and chan is someone who will hide his emotions like they're his best kept #secret and that's why they work so well. seungmin just gets it even if chan doesn't say anything and he knows how to comfort him whether #that takes the form of letting him cry without saying anything or going limp in his arms and not resisting his hugs #anw. normal abt them. if u even care

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mybodyfails · 6 months ago

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#lee minho #kim seungmin #stray kids #skz #mp #ksm out here just trying to make a living

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allthefoolishdreams · 1 month ago

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skz x dc comics -> batfam -> seungmin as red robin

I don’t like people putting us in a box. Telling us what we’re capable of. Telling us who we are. I chose to become Robin, nobody picked me.

#stray kids #skz #kim seungmin #seungmin #skz moodboard #skzasdc #skzbatfam #foolishdreamsmb #ksm & tim handshake meme over being put into boxes by their fandoms

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seungminnnie · 9 months ago

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love the dichotomy between felix and seungmin’s lab tests

felix: let’s have him do the things he loves (eating, gaming, hugging) and see how his heart rate changes 💞🥰✨😊🩷☀️

seungmin: let’s strap him to a pain simulator and see how well he can lie

#like hmmm…. what are we revealing about ourselves today boys #stray kids #skz #lee felix #kim seungmin #skz code #ksm #lyb #k speaks

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miueo · 1 year ago

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︐ sweet&plump — pub. 100923

warnings : titfucking , perverted thoughts , reader obviously has tits , oral ( m. receiving ) , petnames ( baby ) , etc .

pairings : perv!seungmin ♡ bigtiddie!reader

notes : had fun writing this. first time writing a titfucking fic >_< . also , pls request some ideas. i need more ideas.

is it possible for someone to become so fixated on one thing that it completely consumes their thoughts and mind?

to answer your question, yes!

it is possible for a being to become so obsessed with one thing that it dominates their entire mind.

for an example; look at your boyfriend, seungmin.

he could never go a day without looking at your plumped and soft breasts. he constantly fights his intrusive thoughts from wanting to grope and do all sorts of things to your chest.

the shirts you wear, being tight and fitting, perfectly complimenting your breasts. wearing little tank tops with your cute bra underneath to give your chest a bit more of a pop. finally, to top it all off, he loves when you’re braless. he loves watching your nipples harden in the cold air when you’re wearing his t-shirt with only a pair of panties, which takes us to now!

a waterfall of droll seeps out of seungmin’s mouth as he is currently laying your chest while the both of you are spending quality time watching a series of dramas on netflix ♥︎.

“baby! i can’t believe this bitch got away with doing such things to others..” you were heavily invested in what was happening on screen. your boyfriend was totally paying attention to the show >_>.

seungmin stayed silent with his head pillowed on your chest. “i know right baby? that was crazy. fuck that snake ass bitch.” he said pretending to act all shocked, like he cared.

“one more episode? then we’ll crash. i’m sleepy.” you grabbed the remote, yawning softly, playing the next episode.

seungmin picked himself up from you, turning his head to yours, “baby?” he called out.

you turn your head to him in response, “yes seungie?” you chirped with a smile, sitting up.

you were just so perfect.

his cock grows hard by just looking at you, what did he do to deserve such beauty.

“u-um.. this may be unrelated to the drama we’re watching .. you don’t have to respond back… but ummm… fuck this is embarrassing to ask about.. nevermind!”

“no! say it! i'm invested. i'm all ears baby!” you whine jumping on top of him, trying to make him spit out his words.

fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!! she’s literally on top of me. i can feel her fucking pussy on thigh, what am i gonna do now?!

“b-baby!! it’s nothing!” he chuckled nervously.

you pouted, sitting yourself down on his lap, rubbing his shoulders, “please.. i know it’s something, don’t hide from me..”

seungmin sighed in defeat. you were just too cute! he just wanted to rip off that oversized t-shirt off you, tear those panties apart, and then ravage you entirely.

“you don’t have to answer this but… have you ever thought of me doing your tits..?” he mumbled quietly, gulping nervously, avoiding eye contact with you.

“oh!” you sat up on his lap, giggling soon after. “maybe yes, maybe not..”

seungmin furrowed his eyebrows, already impatient with you. “it’s either a yes or a no [ y/n ]!!” he moaned out.

“okay fine, maybe once…– wait, is this you asking me to let you fuck my tits..?” you tilted your head slightly.

yes. yes you, this is him asking permission to give him a tit-fuck or whatever you call it （；^ω^）!

“yeah totally..!! it’s fine if you don’t wanna do it..” he smiled apprehensively.

you just smiled back, getting up from his lap, taking your shirt off, letting your breasts spill out gracefully, only wearing a pair of cute plain panties underneath.

was this it? it’s all happening. right now! god. im the luckiest man to ever roam earth.

you slowly got down on your knees and crawled close to seungmin’s lap. “why are you so bewildered on what i’m doing seungie..? you asked for it, you silly goose.” you giggled innocently.

it took no time for seungmin to take his raging hard cock out of his pants. his little friend looked angry. it had a pinkish redish color to it, along with his tip containing his sticky precum, he was ready.

you look up at your lover with soft doe eyes, taking your breasts, slowly sliding them between his cock.

you got straight to work, semi-confident on what you were doing. you slowly move your breasts slowly up and down his length. soft groans and grunts escape seungmin’s lips as he lays his head back against the couch.

nothing but soft whimpers came out of you, this was a new feeling to you. your cunt was soaked by now, you wanted more.

your mouth watered at the sight of your breasts swallowing your lover's cock. you just wanted to take him in your mouth and then you’ll be satisfied.

“s-seungie… can i put it in my mouth?” you slurred out, accompanying your speech with breathy notes.

seungmin looked back down at you, “you don’t even have to ask baby…” he hissed out.

you right away left a small kitten lick around his tip, soon stuffing his tip into your warm mouth whilst continuing the slow but yet steady motion of your stroking patterns.

“oh my fucking god baby.. the things you to do to me.. you look so precious right now.” he yelped out, gripping onto the fabric of the couch.

seungmin couldn’t believe it, it was all a dream come true. after years of knowing you, months of dating, it had finally happened.

you move yourself faster, desperately in need of his warm cum. you pull your mouth off of his tip with a loud pop, giggling at the sound of it.

“i-im close.. just keep on going.. you’re doing so good..” he whimpered softly, thrusting his cock up and down between your breasts, wanting more friction.

you were already out of breath, panties soaked to the point where it’s not wearable anymore. you couldn’t comprehend such vile action.

“cum for me seungie.. please..~!” you were ready for what was coming, just a couple more strokes and thrusts.

“f-fuck fuck fuck fuck..!!” curses flew out of his mouth as his warm cum lands all over your face and tits. he just created a beautiful masterpiece. you lick some of his liquids off your lips, “..wow.. that was something..” you giggled naively.

let’s just say that this became a regular recurrent activity you both do on a weekly if not daily basis ♡.

#(🐶˘╴˘)ksm #seungmin smut #kim seungmin smut #seungmin x reader #seungmin x you #skz x reader #skz x you #stray kids x reader #stray kids x you #kpop smut #skz smut #stray kids smut

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likkolo · 8 months ago

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buon appetito

summary: Felix takes Changbin out for Italian food 🤭

contains feeding/eating, public humiliation, and fat changbin hehe

“Anything else I can get you, sir?”

Felix looks up at the server, and it hits Changbin all over again that Felix is gorgeous. Glowing bare skin, a dusting of adorable freckles. The innocent openness in his expression that instantly draws people in. He’s so beautiful, and Changbin is down bad.

“I think—” Felix’s voice is strong, confident. There’s a sort of calm self-assuredness to him that Changbin only sees when they travel to English-speaking countries. Felix quickly glances around the table, assessing the spread of various dishes. “Another order of carbonara, please.”

The server is professionally polite as she gives him a slightly tight smile. “I’ll have that right out for you.”

Changbin’s cheeks warm. He knows Felix is ordering all this food for him. Felix stopped eating nearly an hour ago, and since then it’s just been Changbin demolishing plate after plate, all on his own. He knows he should stop, get a grip on himself instead of being a complete glutton in public, but it’s so hard to ignore how badly he just wants to eat.

It doesn’t help that Felix isn’t exactly consulting him before he decides to order another dish. If Felix were to ask first, Changbin would have a fighting chance at saying no. But Felix just keeps ordering more, and Changbin is helpless to resist.

Changbin so frequently feels helpless when it comes to Felix.

He prides himself on being smooth, on having game. He’s a shameless flirt who knows how to charm someone he’s interested in. Except Felix, who leaves him feeling bashful and shy. Felix, who only has to flash a sweet smile to have Changbin eating out of the palm of his hand. And probably eating this Italian restaurant out of business.

“Excuse me,” Felix is saying. “Could I get some more bread, please?”

He’s not even speaking to the server assigned to their table. He’s flagged down another server, because their bread situation is apparently dire, despite the chunk of bread they still have left.

Felix pushes it towards him. “Eat up, hyung,” he says, in Korean. “There’s fresh bread coming.”

Changbin’s stomach is painfully full, but it still flip-flops at the firm way Felix tells him to eat. To stuff himself, because there’s no way Felix can't tell that he’s already full.

Changbin takes the bread. He slathers it in butter and shoves it in his mouth.

He could swear that food tastes better when Felix tells him to eat it.

The pasta arrives shortly after, and Felix requests a mountain of cheese to be grated over top of it. Then the server clears away a stack of empty dishes, leaving room for Felix to move the carbonara right in front of Changbin.

“I don’t know how much of this I can eat,” Changbin admits, looking up at him. “I’m so full.”

Felix gives him a bright smile. “You say that now,” he says. “But I know you. Once you start eating, you won’t want to stop until you’ve finished everything in front of you.”

Changbin’s breath hitches. Maybe he should take offense at Felix’s words, but he just feels slightly dizzy instead. How can he object when it sounds just like the lines Changbin assigns to his partners in his fantasies? It’s the exact sort of thing he craves to be told by the nebulous face he conjures in his imagination as he eats with one hand and jacks off with the other.

A nebulous face, of course, that just so happens to have the most beautiful freckles.

His cock is stirring with interest beneath the bulge of his distended gut. He always gets a little bit hard when he overeats, but having Felix in front of him while it happens, just saying things like that—

“Come on, hyung-ah,” Felix coaxes. “Be a good boy and show me how much you can eat for me.”

Changbin wants to moan, wants to roll his hips to force the weight of his belly down on his erection. Instead he just reaches for his fork and begins to twirl it in the pasta, all too aware of how much his cheeks are burning.

“Aww,” Felix coos, looking genuinely charmed by the blush on Changbin’s cheeks. “Did I fluster you? You’re so cute, hyung.”

Changbin is—shockingly—at a loss for words. He’s so used to being in control, regardless of whether his gregarious flirting is accepted or not. And Felix has always liked to feed him, something Changbin chalked up to Felix being a sweet and giving person. But Changbin is quickly starting to feel very out of his depths here. Felix has encouraged him to eat before, but it was never like this. Telling him to take the last slice of pizza—that’s one thing. But this?

Felix must sense his bewilderment. His smile fades, but he scoots closer to Changbin’s side of the table. They’re in a corner booth with a bench that stretches around the table, so Felix can come as close as he likes. He settles right beside Changbin and leans into him.

“Eat up, piggy,” Felix says. His voice is low so that only Changbin will hear it, even though he’s speaking Korean. “I know you like eating with such a full belly. Feeling how packed and swollen you are as you keep shoving more into your mouth. It hurts, but it feels good too, doesn’t it?”

‘What’s going on here?’ Changbin wants to ask. ‘What are we doing? What are you doing?’ But a part of him is afraid that if he asks questions then the spell will be broken. Felix will back off, and whatever they’re doing will go back to being something Changbin can only experience in his fantasies.

So Changbin picks up his fork and stares down at the plate in front of him. “But I’m too full,” he whines, turning to pout at Felix. “I do want to, but… I really don’t think I can.”

“Let’s see if I can help you out a little then.”

Felix holds Changbin’s gaze as he reaches over. His hand lands on the lower bulge of Changbin's belly, and Changbin flinches slightly. He’s no stranger to having hands on his tummy—the members have been patting, rubbing, even jiggling his belly for years—but it’s been different since he got so big. The cute little tummy he used to have has ballooned into a thick double belly, large enough now for the lower roll to push out into his lap. He’s gotten fat, and every touch is a mortifying reminder of that fact.

Never mind that it also sends a jolt of electricity sizzling down his spine. He’s embarrassed, yeah, but he can’t help thinking it’s exciting too. The fantasies he has, the things he hasn’t been able to keep himself from thinking about, ever since he was a teenager—

“God, you’re such a cutie,” Felix coos. “Haven’t you realized there’s nothing to be embarrassed about? Not with me.”

Changbin just gapes at him. It’s an answer to his questions, and yet it leaves so much unexplained.

But he can’t think when Felix’s hands have begun to rub in soothing circles across the lower bulge of his belly. The light pressure on his swollen stomach feels amazing, even though the bloat hurts the most in his upper belly. He knows Felix can’t touch him there right now, since the table wouldn’t hide his ministrations.

Then Felix’s hand travels even lower, down to where Changbin’s belly meets his thighs inside of his jeans. Now that he’s bigger, he wears his jeans with the waistband around the middle of his double belly, so that the upper roll is free while the lower roll gets zipped up into his pants. It creates the look of a big protrusion bulging from inside his jeans, but it apparently also draws Felix’s hand like a magnet. Changbin shivers as slender fingers dance across the coarse fabric, prodding at the doughy fat just beneath.

Changbin’s cock twitches at the sensation. He so desperately wants Felix to lift his belly, to delve between his fat thighs and find the aching cock hidden in all of his bulk. But then he realizes that that means Felix would discover how much Changbin is turned on by all of this, how attracted he is to Felix, how much he wants it. Then again, could things have gotten this far if Felix didn’t feel at least somewhat similarly?

And really, Changbin should have picked up on the signals a long time ago. He has nothing to say for himself, except that he knows he can be dense about things like this sometimes.

That’s when the server reappears at their table. “How are we doing?” she asks. She looks down at the nearly-full plate of pasta in front of Changbin. “Do we need a box?”

“Hmm,” Felix hums. “No, I don’t think so. If we took it in a box, he’d probably be eating it with his hands by the time we got to the car.”

The server hesitates, and Changbin’s ears burn. He looks up at Felix because he’s too embarrassed to look at the server. And then Changbin twitches as Felix slides his hand back up the curve of his gut to the crease between his belly rolls. Felix’s fingers shove into the achingly tight waistband of his jeans, and Changbin tries not to whine at the sensation of finally having Felix’s touch on his bare skin.

“He didn’t get this big by not cleaning his plate,” Felix continues. His tone is cheeky, conspiratorial. As if Changbin’s immense size is an inside joke that they're both in on. Changbin wants to melt into the booth and disappear, despite the way his groin aches in arousal at the humiliation.

“Well, um.” The server politely keeps her eyes fixed on Felix, maybe supposing she can save Changbin further embarrassment if she just doesn’t look at him. “Do we want the bill next, then? Or…” She falters, daring to glance at Changbin and then back at Felix. “Should I bring a dessert menu?”

Changbin makes a noise in his throat. He desperately hopes that Felix won’t move on to stuffing him with a round of desserts. The idea is incredible, of course, but for another time. Right now, he truly doesn’t think he could manage it.

“Wow, dessert,” Felix says thoughtfully. His fingers, still tucked into Changbin’s waistband, slide along the skin until they stop at the closure of his fly. “I guess I should have considered that before I ordered you another plate of pasta, huh, dwaeji?”

“The pasta is enough, Lixie,” Changbin pleads weakly. “I really can’t eat more.”

“It’s a tough call,” Felix says to the server. “He’s had a lot already, but I know he’ll eat anything with chocolate.”

“No, I—” Then Changbin freezes. Felix’s fingers are suddenly on the button of his fly, the thumb and pointer finger coming together in a position that can only mean he’s about to—

The button pops free, and Changbin gasps as his gut surges forward. The force of it breaks apart the teeth of the zipper, allowing the fat to overtake the ruined fly as it spills over his pants and into his lap. His belly suddenly seems to be everywhere—between his legs, on his thighs, even threatening to budge onto the tabletop.

Changbin has never been more embarrassed, and yet he's so much more comfortable than he was before. The worst of the ache in his stomach has eased, and he can finally breathe more deeply.

“Felix…” he murmurs helplessly.

He risks a look down at himself, but he only sees the arc of his belly, covered by his black T-shirt. A flood of relief washes over him at the knowledge that the tabletop kept everything hidden from sight. The server must know what happened—though she probably thinks Changbin just popped his button with the sheer force of his distended stomach—but at least she can’t see that Changbin’s naked underbelly is now hanging into his lap.

Then, with a creeping sense of shame, Changbin realizes that he's ready to eat a little more now.

The server looks back and forth between the two of them, clearly unsure of what to make of the situation.

“You know what,” Felix says, effortlessly taking control once again. “Let’s see the dessert menu. I have a feeling this one will be able to manage it after all.”

“Y-yeah,” Changbin says weakly. “I think I could.”

“Then I’ll be right back with that for you,” the server says tightly, before hurrying away.

Then they’re alone in their booth again, and Felix begins to work his hands over the expanse of Changbin’s tender belly. “Hyung is so good for me,” he coos. “Eating everything I ordered for him and even asking for dessert.”

Changbin savors the praise as he melts into the soothing touch.

“But don’t forget,” Felix says, with a sudden edge to his voice. “You still have to finish your plate of pasta.”

Changbin shivers and picks up his fork. “Yes, Felix,” he says, and begins to eat.

#weight gain fic #skz feedism #chubby changbin #me thinking its a good time to post a lil story btw ksm spoiling skz met gala and kendrick wrecking drakes shit

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2mi-nchan · 24 days ago

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SEUNGSTOMACH🚨🚨 SEUNGTUMMY ON SHOW🚨🚨 EVERYONE STAY CALM🚨🚨

#I WANNA EAT HIMMM #SEUNGTUMMY #seungmin #kim seungmin #ksm #stray kids #skz

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fuckyeahkimseungmin · 3 months ago

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Lou_seungmin0922

#he's so pretty #kim seungmin #ksm #skz #skz pics #stray kids #fanpics #seungmin

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ihave-atummyache · 6 months ago

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i feel like im being scolded (i like it)

woof woof woof kim seungminnnnnn

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faunandfloraas · 6 months ago

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fav skz // He's always pretty.

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daengtokki · 5 months ago

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part one // serial killer!Kim Seungmin/afab reader

WC: ~10k

RATING: mature/explicit/mdni—contains: rough sex, manipulation, strangulation, blood, implied drugging, murder

[ ML— DEITY MASTERLIST ]

The smell of smoke reaches his nose, and the craving comes on so suddenly, and so strong…he hates this, not being able to control something so small. He doesn't have much control at all, if he thinks about it. He hasn't had any real control in years—just the illusion of it. The first chance Seungmin gets, he disappears into a convenience store, and he walks back out with a pack of cigarettes clenched in one hand. He bites down on a fresh book of matches as he bounces it against the heel of his palm, eyes still carefully scanning the streets as he unwraps the plastic and pops one between his lips.

The sound of the match against the striker strip is enough to calm his nerves, but the first slow drag quiets his mind and numbs the itch in his limbs. The part of his brain that doesn't shut up when it's time likes to smoke lately, it seems, so he listens. More of his illusion.

Just as he pulls in another lungful, you breeze past him, head down, eyes glued to your phone. Seungmin can see exactly what you're doing—looking at a map as you walk, probably a little lost, and you’re mumbling quietly. Scolding yourself, maybe, but taking your time and obviously trying to keep it together. He wonders just how lost you are, but he doesn't move right away…he’s smarter than that. That itch returns very quickly, despite the cigarette, and his legs shake a little with the anticipation of following behind. Lucky for him, you stop and duck under the awning for some shade, and probably to get your bearings.

He likes the way you look.

You feign confidence, and you really are doing a great job of fitting in and acting like you know where you are—where you need to go. If anyone else was nearby, they wouldn't even suspect you needed help. And you’re pretty. Seungmin thinks you probably don’t know that, not here, so out of your element. You are, though.

Just as he moves to approach you, you lift your gaze, and your eyes find his. Seungmin freezes for a moment, then slowly takes the cigarette from him lips. “Hello,” he smiles and turns away a little to blow out his smoke. “I’m sorry, I can…” he discards it, then turns back, hoping your eyes are still on him…

He was a little rushed this morning, his hair dryer broke, and he spilled an entire iced coffee on his way out the door. Going out today didn’t seem like the best idea, but he figured he would at least make the attempt, and try again tomorrow if he had to. Seungmin is very glad he tried today. You still look up at him with keen, hopeful eyes when he turns to face you again.

“…put this out.” He tries English—it’s the only western language he knows. “Do you need help reading your map?”

Still, you stare…silent. If you don’t speak English or Korean, he’s out of luck, and he’ll have to drag himself back home, alone, and crawl into bed until tomorrow.

“Yes…thank you”

He sighs internally, and smiles softly at you. Once again, his looks (and his fluent English) get him what he wants. Seungmin doubts you would have taken the help if that first look didn't get something moving in you. He could see it in your eyes. “Where are you headed? I might be more useful than that map.”

Still, you hesitate for a brief moment, “...my apartment. I took the bus, and I missed it coming back. But I think I’m almost there. I’m just a little anxious, and I’m being stupid…”

“No, you’re not. Have you been here long? In Seoul?”

“About a week”

“No, not stupid. What’s the address?”

/ / /

“Stay close, we can probably get the whole way across.” He looks back at you, and slows enough for you to catch up to his long strides. “No, maybe not,” he takes your wrist in his hand, and it’s unnecessary, because you stop with him. It’s a good start…the first touch. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you glance at him, and then to his hand wrapped around you, “I think I know where I’m at now.”

“You think?”

“I think”

“I’ll take you to your building. You don’t have to invite me up…promise.”

It’s another two blocks before you finally see it, and the sight of it is a relief. Seungmin can almost feel the tension leave your body as you approach it, but there’s a long moment of silence between you when you finally get there.

Eventually, you unfreeze yourself and speak,“thank you for your help…uh, what should I call you?”

“Thank you for letting me help. You can call me Seungmin.” He smiles shyly when he says his name.

“Seungmin, is it okay if do?”

“Do what?” He already knows what you’re getting at, but he cocks his head and bites his lip.

“Invite you up. I’m sure you have better things to do, though.”

Seungmin loves the flush in your cheeks when you ask. The nervous energy that left you returns, and it gets his blood pumping everywhere it needs to—his heartbeat jumps, and he hopes his cheeks pink up a little bit, too. “No, that’s been my best offer all day.” He knows he can’t do anything here, but this is also an unusual feeling—visiting the home of a potential victim. It's not necessary, and it's very personal...and it's a little bit awkward.

“This is cute.” Seungmin stands in one spot, and examines the tiny apartment. It’s simple, and still a little plain, but you’ve barely had time to settle. He can picture the twin size bed you’re sleeping on, and how the two of you would barely fit; the commotion you’d make…the mess. The thought sends a jolt of pleasure through him, and he feels himself getting hard as he watches you stare so intensely.

“What?” He smirks. You smile back, so Seungmin lets his grow a little wider.

“Do you want some coffee? You look like a coffee person.”

“I am, I would love some”

/ / /

“You’re a long way from home,” Seungmin says over the rim of his mug, casually scanning every part of you as he does—your bare feet shuffling on the area rug; your legs, easy to admire in the tight leggings you’re wearing; body sinking comfortably into the squishy couch. He sits up and turns himself toward you a little more. “May I ask why?”

“Work. But I think I’m very under-qualified for the position…I took it to get away from my old life, and my ex.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Bad breakup?”

“Bad enough…I’m sure things could’ve been worse”

If he can find out when the break-up happened, Seungmin can figure out just how vulnerable you still are. “If it was worth coming this far, I’m sure it was bad.” Reaching out right now and grabbing your throat would be so, so easy. It would be nothing; his hands would wrap perfectly around your delicate neck. He can almost feel the snap of your hyoid, your pulse as it speeds up; slows down; stops completely. Vulnerable, but still guarded—soft, sad eyes, and nervous fingers tapping against the mug, turned slightly away from him.

Still, when you look at him again, you light up a little. “My turn…what were you doing smoking outside a GS25 all alone this morning? I’m very glad you were there…just curious.”

“Oh…” Seungmin actually laughs at that—a genuine laugh. He wasn’t prepared for such a blunt question. “People watching, I guess. I like to observe.” He notices your eyes wondering over him, the same as he did to you, only you’re a lot less subtle about it. “What is it?”

“What do you do for a living?”

A living. What does he do for a living? He doesn’t do anything except survive day to day within his careful, tedious routine. He’s a trust-fund baby, thank god. Seungmin can’t imagine having to work a day job, deal with the public, wear a mask every moment of the day just to get by.

“I make music…write, produce. Independently. Nothing major, but it pays the bills.” It’s not his usual lie, but it seems fitting for you. It’s not even a lie, because Seungmin does make music—music that has ever seen the light of day.

“You sing?”

Seungmin nods, puts on another shy smile for you. “Yeah, I do. Mostly for myself, though.” He’s not used to fielding so many personal questions so quickly, because by now, someone has their mouth on something. Or something in it. The thought gives him another twinge in his groin, and he almost whines along with his sigh.

Now is probably a good time to get more information, but his dick continues to distract him. “Uhm, what was your promotion? What do you do?” Not this information, but he has to start somewhere.

“Nothing very exciting. Customer relations for a cosmetics company. I don’t like it very much, but it pays well enough, and I’m here now.”

“Is that where you went this morning?” It’s almost too nosy, but he goes with it. “Sorry, that’s not really my business.”

“No, it’s okay. I was coming back from Dongguk University. I’m taking language classes."

He takes the opportunity to switch to Korean, “good…so you don’t speak any Korean?”

And all you can do is stare back, clueless. “I think I caught a word,” you laugh when he grins at you.

“I’m going to have so much fun with you”

An exchange of phone numbers, the promise of dinner, and Seungmin is on his way back home. Empty handed, yes, but he already has a plan unfolding in his mind. A few times before, he’s deliberately taken his time—did the cat and mouse thing, or more appropriately for him, a dog with a bone. It’s usually not by choice, though. He may have to find another in the meantime; something quick and easy to hold him over. Rushing things with you won't satisfy him.

“Wow, this is…great,” the girl turns and gives Seungmin a heavy, confident look. She only has one thing on her mind, but he’s alright with getting straight to the point. “How about the bedroom?” So why does the eagerness almost turn him off? It’s a stark contrast to what you just gave him, and to what anyone else ever gives him. The dates he picks up don’t want coffee and conversation.

There is no foreplay—not a single touch until his pants are undone and on the floor, but she goes for his shirt, and Seungmin grabs for her wandering hands.

“What’s wrong…self-conscious?” She slips one under and runs her fingertips across his ribs.

He has to tilt his head to the side to avoid her lips. “No, I’m not.”

“You are a little skinny, but that’s okay”

The gasp the girl makes when he grabs the side of her neck, the little bit of fear in her eyes, is what finally gets him completely hard. He squeezes, just enough to not be threatening, and she relaxes for a moment.

“Sorry…sorry, just teasing,” she smiles a little, and her eyes dart from the window, and then back to him.

“Get on your knees”

She does so without hesitation, but Seungmin turns and walks away before she has a chance to touch again. There wasn’t much prep for this, so he has to be careful, and he has to be quiet, so he stares absently into the drawer of his bedside table for a few long moments. Handcuffs could be helpful, but the gag might be even better. He opts for the handcuffs, and when the girl sees them dangling from his finger, she smiles. “Okay, I like kinky…are those for me?”

Seungmin nods, and very gently secures one of her wrists. The other end snaps around the bedpost. Now she reaches her free hand toward him and gets a handful of dick, and he lets her touch.

“Are you gonna be a tease now? Take these off.”

A hand comes down fast, and again she gasps as he tightens his grip around her throat. She grabs for him and claws at his skin, but it does nothing. His grip still tightens, even as her nails cut and a thin line of blood starts to form. Seungmin relaxes, and then lets go.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” She coughs and pulls at the cuff, but it's not going anywhere. “Get this off of me. Now."

None of this is new for him, and most of the time, his jobs aren't easy. Last time, he was lucky. "No," Seungmin laughs and pulls his shirt over his head, but just as he's about to return to his drawer for something new, he hears his phone buzz in the pocket of his discarded jeans.

"Take these off…please"

"Not yet, relax"

"But you will? What are you gonna do? I'm sorry I teased you…please, you can do whatever you want, but—"

"But? I can do whatever I want, but what?"

The fear in her eyes is enough of an answer, but another buzz of his phone distracts her for the briefest moment. "Please let me go. We can just pretend this never happened.”

Seungmin goes for his phone this time, "no, I don’t do that," and stares at the number for a few seconds before recognizing it, because he didn't add you to his contacts. He's not even sure he should.

Hi! I just wanted to thank you again for being so kind. I haven't had any really nice interactions with anyone until I met you today. And there is a place a block way from me that I've been wanting to try since I got here, if you're still interested.

Seungmin doesn't catch himself grinning, but his guest does. "Good news?" She asks. "Look, this was just a date gone bad. I'm not into whatever kinky shit you're into.”

He's bored. To be honest, he's been bored since he got this girl back to the apartment, so this may not do the job as well as he was expecting—he’s already starting to get soft. But letting someone go? Seungmin doesn't do that. The phone gets tossed onto the bed as he makes his way back to his drawer, and this time, he knows what he needs. The girl gasps and screams as soon as she sees the glint of the blade against the lamplight—the gag definitly would have helped, but it's too late now. The neighbors are mosty likely at work, at least.

The rattle of the cuffs against the bedpost is annoying, and Seungmin thinks for a moment that it might actually break. "You need to relax, and you need to be quiet. This…" he gestures to her antics, "this is not helping either of us."

"Fuck you, you're gonna burn in hell"

That's the last thing she says. There is one more reach, and one more scratch of her nails (right across his cheek), but she gives in as soon as the knife slides neatly between her ribs. One last hitch in her throat, one last exhale, and the light fades from her eyes. Exactly what he needed.

"I know"

I am still interested. I wonder if we're thinking of the same place.

He sends that off and thinks, but the first text is more of a challenge to acknowledge.

I'm glad I could be your first.

It doesn't sound quite right to him, but maybe that's a good thing. He sends that, too.

Now he looks to the lifeless body on his floor. The blood has soaked through her clothes, and onto the area rug where she was kneeling. Seungmin suddenly remembers why he hates doing things this way. Okay, no blood for a while, he thinks as he begins to conceal the body. He has a long day ahead of him now.

The week passes slowly, and Seungmin spends it hidden away in his bedroom. He wrote a little, and he forced himself to sing last night, but aside from that, he's just existed beneath the warmth of his blankets. One more text came from you a few days ago, but he hasn't bothered looking at it yet. Ignoring his phone has been a test for himself, and he has done pretty well at not thinking about what you said.

That can't last forever, though. Seungmin doesn't think you're going to lose interest that easily. He knows you won't. And besides, he's hungry. It's time to get out of bed.

I'm free all day on Thursday

Fuck, today is Thursday. Seungmin sits up in bed and stares at the screen, thinks…wonders if chasing you will be worth it in the end. What if he spends all of this time on you, and it doesn’t fill the need he’s expecting it to? What if it’s just like the last one? He starts to type.

I am free today. I'm sorry I took so long to reply. I understand if you made other plans.

No, it can’t be as bad as that one.

Lunch. Maybe a walk, if it's not to cold for you. Back to the apartment. It's not time, though. The feeling hasn't quite returned yet, and it won't feel right if he does this now. Maybe today isn't the day.

I'm still free. Let me know when!

But lunch wouldn't hurt. Seungmin needs you here, in this apartment, if he's going to do this right. He needs you comfortable with him.

I can get dressed and head to your building. Half an hour? Meet me outside.

/ / /

You dressed up for him. He's still a half a block away, and you’re turned in the opposite direction, but he can tell that you put some thought and effort into your outfit. Seungmin looks the same as he typically does; black jeans, black sneakers, a Carhartt jacket over a loose fitting t-shirt. Not much effort, really, but…

"Hi!" You examine him, not so subtly, starting from his dark parted hair, all the way down his long, slender legs. The smile on your face grows when you meet his eyes again. "How was your walk?"

Now it's beginning to feel like a date, and it’s very obvious that you’re attracted to him. There’s no doubt you would’ve looked at him the same had he arrived in the sweatpants he had on in bed this morning. "Very nice. How was the trip from your apartment?"

Seungmin gets a genuine laugh out of you. “It was great, I was very excited to get down here and see you.”

Excited to see him. Okay. Seungmin is used to the attention, but he isn’t as used to the cute, innocent flirting. He sees your cheeks blush before you drop your gaze.

“You lead the way”

He nods, and brushes by you very gently.

Lunch is perfectly normal; a real date. Seungmin learns a little more about you, and you learn a few more exaggerated, somewhat true things about him. The breakup between you and your ex was recent—only six weeks ago. The move was actually the catalyst for ending things. You confessed to him that you’re still unsure if it was the right thing to do, but you are beginning to like living in Seoul already. Maybe because of him. You thanked him again for his help, so Seungmin starts to wonder if simple kindness isn’t something you’re used to. Getting it from him seems a little ironic.

“Would you like to take a walk?” The second part of his plan already seems to be in motion, because you walked right by your building without even realizing. “There’s a nice park I like to visit about a half a mile that way, and a cafe a little closer, actually.”

“Either sounds good"

“Or, my apartment is closer than both. And I have a very nice coffee bar. And a regular bar, if you prefer.”

He hears your soft laugh, and he can picture you blushing again. A no wouldn’t surprise him, though—going straight to his apartment was beginning to feel like a stretch, but he has to ask. After all, you did invite him up fifteen minutes into knowing him.

"Are you gonna make me a homeade latte?"

"Whatever you desire"

/ / /

Seungmin waits for you to give him a surprised look as soon as he leads you through his front door, just like everyone else does, but you don’t. You’re quiet as you take your shoes off and look around, and you don’t make a sound until he speaks up.

“Make yourself comfortable. I’ll get the espresso machine going.”

“You must do good work”

“I wouldn’t say that. My dad left me a lot when he died, so I can’t take any credit for it.” Why did he say that? He had no reason to tell the truth, and yet, it slipped right out.

Now you do give him a look—a sad, apologetic one. “Well, I’m sure you still do good work.”

Seungmin keeps his mouth shut as he flips a switch and grinds the coffee beans. You don’t say anything else, but he watches you watching him carefully from the corner of his eye as he works. He makes one for himself, too, and as he walks to join you, a reflection on the hardwood makes him stop in his tracks. A small, silver earring is shining up at him, and he silently scolds himself for his sloppy cleanup. How did he miss that all week? He did stay in bed for most of that time, but he has never, not once, left something behind. It looks clean, at least...no blood.

“What’s wrong?” You look to where he’s looking, and you see whatever has him frozen. A small silver hoop earring.

“Uh, nothing…” he sets both coffees down on the table and tries to ignore it, but he can’t. Besides, you’ve seen it, and he can’t just leave it there. Seungmin wonders if he left something even more damning in the apartment as he bends to pick it up.

“One of your dates lost something?” You say it casually…just an observation, “I assume you have a lot of them coming and going.” But Seungmin looks ready to defend himself.

“No…no, I don’t. Not that often, really.” He slips it into his pocket. “How is your drink. I can make another if it’s not quite right.”

“It looks good,” you pick it up and hold it under your nose, “smells good,” and take a slow, careful sip. It’s hot, but just the right amount of hot. “It’s very good, thank you.”

He sits down, and his knee grazes against yours. You hold still and watch his hand run down his thigh, follow his arm up to his shoulder—to his neck, where his loose t-shirt reveals some collarbone, soft and tan. Seungmin is staring right through you, and he doesn't seem to realize it. The movement of his eyes is hypnotizing, and they're so big and dark, you feel like they could swallow you whole.

Just when you think he's going to reach for his coffee, his hand lifts toward you, and everything moves in slow motion—Seungmin's tongue pokes out to wet his lips, he bites down on it a little…and his fingertips just barely graze the far side of your neck.

You shake free of your trance and move back.

"Sorry"

"It's alright," you take another long sip of your coffee and avoid his gaze, but you can feel him staring at you. Hard. You look around his big, well decorated apartment and suddenly wonder how you ended up here with a man you hardly know, inches from him, his eyes eating away at you.

He's not sure why he went for that touch. Curiousity, maybe. Your skin looks soft, it is soft, and though he has no overwhelming urges at the moment, he still wants to to know how your skin feels squeezed against his palms, and pinched between his fingers. The image gives him a pleasant twinge in his stomach, and he doesn't even think about the possibility of his dick growing in his jeans right here and now. Today, nothing will happen, and if he scares you off now, he’ll never get you here alone again. It’s not a risk worth taking.

“I am…please forgive me. I don’t know why I did that. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“I don’t.” It’s a little bit of a lie, but he seems sincere. It’s easier to relax and take a deep breath now that he’s up and making a little bit of distance between you. Still, you admire him from this angle—his long, slender legs, perfect in proportion to the rest of him. Broad shoulders, and a strong looking back that you can see when the light hits his white t-shirt just right.

His face is soft, his jaw is strong, and his skin pretty, but not quite perfect. Seungmin looks like a piece of art come to life, and he’s here with to you. Talking to you. Staring at you. Reaching out to touch you.

There has to be something wrong with him.

“Are you okay?”

“Hm? Yes, I’m okay”

“I asked if you wanted to see the balcony”

There is no doubt he caught you admiring him. The grin on his face warms your cheeks…it warms your entire body. “Yeah, sure”

The balcony is in his bedroom.

Very cautiously, you walk through the doorway, but you’re not sure why you’re still on edge. So far, Seungmin has been sweet and thoughtful…maybe a little odd, but not so odd that it should concern you. Regardless of how handsome he is, maybe he really doesn’t go on many dates, or even get out of this apartment very often…his room is dark and moody, maybe more of a reflection of his mind than anything else in the apartment. Everything looks expensive—the high windows, the lighting, the music equipment in the corner. His bed is oversized and covered in soft pillows, and an old stuffed dog sits right in the middle. It looks like it’s seen better days. Seungmin doesn’t stop to show you around, though. He heads straight for the balcony.

“You’re not afraid of heights?”

You shake your head.

“Good. It’s a nice view.”

It is a nice view, because he’s almost at the very top. The wind gusts a few times as you stand there, and the air is chilly, but Seungmin stands to your side and blocks most of it. His eyes burn into you again, and you’re starting to like it.

“I should probably go.” Another lie. There is no reason to leave, and you don’t want to, but if you do stay, something will certainly happen.

“Oh, of course…I can call a ride for you”

And you want something to happen. Being in his room, within falling distance of his bed, is driving you a little bit crazy. His big, soft eyes are driving you crazy. But you barely know him, and you’ve barely settled into your new life. Feeling vulnerable isn’t new, but you’re extra vulnerable right now, and you know what can happen when you feel that way.

/ / /

Someone else will come along, and he’ll be fine. Eventually, he’ll come across another perfect one, and when he does, he won’t drag his feet and fuck things up. You were right here, inches from him…more than within reach, and Seungmin is not used to failing at getting his way. Maybe he missed something. Seungmin isn’t completely aloof when it comes to emotions and reading them on people, but he doesn’t typically bother with it, and he isn’t the best at it.

Fortunately, he doesn't have to dwell on it too long. You send him a text right before he begins to doze off that night...

Thank you for lunch today, and the walk…and coffee. Sorry I ended everything so quickly, it was nothing personal. I would like to see you again.

Okay, everything is fine. Just a little overreaction on his part. He just…scared you off? Came on a little too strong with the neck touch, more than likely. It didn't seem like much, but you're obviously a little reticent.

I would like to see you again

No reply to that, but a heart pops up next to his message after it sends.

He drags himself to the other end of the street, but he's tired. Sleep hasn't come easily the past few days, and the nightmares that come and go have returned…the same ones—the old shed, the soft, rain soaked ground, and the earth covering his father's hands when he reaches out for Seungmin. There's more, so much more, but it always comes in pieces. Maybe tonight he'll get another piece.

For now he focuses on the woman entering the bar, and he's certain he's going to lose her in there on a busy Saturday night. The urges have returned, and the sleepless nights haven't made things any easier, so he has to do something, and this half-hearted chase helps a litte bit. You haven't said a word since Thursday, and if you don't by tomorrow morning, he might just come and find you himself. If that's the case, he doesn't even need to pursue this one—he can go back home, take a hot shower, make a strong drink, and finish his nightmare.

“Seungmin?”

His heart jumps into his throat.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you”

It’s you. It’s your soft, lilting voice, and your pleasant accent. He turns and your eyes connect, but his heart still continues to pound. “Hi, what are doing so far from home?” Very far. He ventured a little further out of his comfort zone this time around. Running into you this far away can't be a coincidence, even if Seungmin doesn't believe in things like that.

“You first”

“Oh, uh…trying to be social, I guess”

“It’s alright, you don’t have to tell me the truth.” You smile at his smirk. “A few of my classmates dragged me along, but I’m over it already. I don’t usually stay up this late.”

“I can ride home with you, if you’d like. Unless I can convince you to have a drink with me first.”

You think about it, but not for very long. Part of you wants to make up for last time, and for struggling to text him back. “Yes to both. Can we try a different bar?” The other part wants to remain strong.

“Of course, anything you want”

“Your bar?”

But the former part is bigger.

It's a quiet ride back to his place, but it's not an awkward quiet. Seungmin is relaxed, body turned sightly toward you, and you can tell he's watching every subtle movement you make; the fidgeting of your fingers, and the bounce of your knee, the occasional shift to adjust yourself and pull at your sweater. You can't quite figure out what he seems to see in you, and maybe that's part of your hesitation—being a clueless foreigner with a native drinking up every little thing, emphasis on little, that you have to you offer.

He walks ahead of you as you head for the elevator, and it's another opportunity to look at him in the harsh light. The leather jacket he's wearing is a bit big, but it doesn't hide the broadness of his shoulders. Just as you move your eyes down, he begins to take it off and reveal even more. His muscles move delicately beneath the black t-shirt as it slides down his arms, this time a more form-fitting one, tucked loosely into his black jeans. Tiny waist, narrow hips, but just enough ass to grab.

The elevator opens and he turns to you, "don't worry, I won’t keep you up too late."

When you arrived, he did all of the things guy's don't actually do on your dates: pay for the ride, open the door, hold a hand out for you. It was a little bit cheesy, but you're not going to complain about his good manners.

"Do you mind if I change? I can smell the smoke on me."

You shake your head at him, make yourself comfortable on the couch, and listen carefully as he moves around in his bedroom…the slide of a drawer, a door softly opening and closing. He's not in there long, and when he comes out, he looks like a different person.

Seungmin’s face is so striking, and it’s like that no matter what he does to his hair, but he definitely combed everything back with his fingers while he changed. It’s parted just off to the side and pushed away from his eyes, save for a few lose strands, and his eyes are so pretty and intense. The outfit is completely different—a loose fitting t-shirt, a thin white one this time, and sweatpants. It looks so out of place, because the three times you’ve seen him, he was dressed a little more than casual.

A silver Chanel necklace still hangs around his neck, and you wonder if he just forgot about it. “Better?” You stand and take a step toward him, he moves a little closer, but heads toward his small, but elaborate bar.

“Yeah,” he smiles and beckons you. “What do you like to drink?”

“What do you think I like?”

“Oh…good question, let me think,” he very patiently scans over his selection…

Ice in the shaker, cherry soju, coconut vodka—he gives it a shake, never breaking eye contact until he has to grab a glass and pours—he stops and looks around, thinks, then grabs another bottle from under the bar. As soon as he twists the cap off, the sweet smell hits you. Seungmin tops it off with cream soda, and drops in a cherry before sliding it toward you. Then he pours some for himself, minus the soda.

“Is this me as a cocktail?”

He sips his, and you can hear a little laugh from behind the glass. “First impression? Yeah. Is it good?”

“It’s good, it’s sweet…goes down easy”

“Oh, I hope so”

The whole room warms. You feel like you’re on fire. You know you’re blushing, and you might even be grinning like an idiot, but you can’t pull yourself away from his stare. Seungmin bites down on his bottom lip and a smirk slowly tugs at his mouth, and it’s now that you notice how plump and red his lips are.

All you can do is clear your throat and shift in the bar stool, but thankfully, Seungmin still has the reigns. He finishes his drink in one swift movement, and you take one more sip as he rounds the bar. The warmth of his hand on your thigh, you do feel that, but everything else is either numb or pulsing with nervous excitement. He spins you to face him, but his hand doesn’t move—it squeezes as he leans in and whispers in your ear.

“Stop fighting against it…just…” he sighs, and it turns to a soft moan. You feel like you could melt right out of this stool and onto the floor. “Don’t make me beg.”

Fuck, your mind went from nothing to everything you want him to do to you, and everything you’ve been wanting to do to him. But you haven’t done anything yet, and you don’t have to. Seungmin hasn’t come off as that type, but god…the way he’s looking at you and gripping your leg. He gently pushes your thighs apart until he can put himself between them, and your eyes drop to the growing bulge in his sweatpants.

“Seungmin…uh, fuck…um”

“What? Look at me. Eyes up here.”

The ease at which he makes you listen is surprising. He has you now. The smoke-tinged smell of his skin, the vanilla of his cologne, and the sweet smell of booze on his lips. His eyes soften, and you can’t even begin to imagine resisting that look—from here you can see the little bit of black eyeliner starting to smudge. You don’t even feel yourself reach up and wipe your thumb at the corner of his eye, not until he smiles and wraps his fingers around your wrist.

“I’ll take care of you. I’ll give you what you need.”

No answer will come out, so you squeeze your thighs and hope he can read the look in your eyes. He does. Seungmin grabs your hips and pulls your body into his, lifts you, and doesn’t hesitate once he has you in his arms. He turns and takes you right into the bedroom, and the feeling of being outside of your body is intense. You can feel your legs wrapped tight around his hips, and your arms clinging to his shoulders…you can hear his soft grunts as he keeps you steady against him. He pulls you close right before he drops you, and you get a taste of his skin before you hit the bed.

“Keep your eyes on me”

He pulls his shirt over his head, and you study every inch of him while you can. A long, lean torso—his muscles underneath flex with every shallow breath; his bare shoulders—you count every freckle as your eyes move down his arms; his hands grab his waistband and pull, and his cock bounces out, bigger than anything you’ve taken before, and you’re not even sure he’s fully hard yet.

Seungmin laughs at your reaction. “I’m usually a little more subtle…but,” he stops and looks you over, and his voice turns so sweet, “take something off for me. Please.” He’s never this needy, and he doesn’t usually move so fast, but he’s aching for it. Nine days of teasing him was far too long. “Yeah?,” he purrs as you sit up and slide out of your oversized sweatshirt. “Much better….” He strokes himself as he climbs onto the bed.

As soon as your tank top makes it over your head, and your breasts bounce free, you feel your nipples harden even more. Seungmin groans like a horny teenager. “Good…lie back for me.”

The steadiness of his hands is what you expect from him, though. You know he’s experienced, and you know he wants all the control. He unbuttons your skirt and pulls, leaving you in nothing but your panties—you wore cute ones, the lacy ones, just because. Of course you weren’t expecting to get anything tonight, but you’re so glad you did when you see Seungmin smiling at them…but then he snaps out of his trance.

Fuck, he mumbles and moves back. You watch him hop off the bed, and take another chance to admire his naked body, but he doesn't take long getting into his drawer, grabbing something, and returning to you. The condom is out and on him before you even realize what he was doing, and your panties are gripped and pulled down.

"Open up for me," he coaxes your shy legs apart until he has an eyeful of your throbbing, swollen cunt—good—and his tongue slides hungrily into you, making you gasp. "Soaking wet for me already?" Seungmin looks at you for an answer.

You nod and cautiously run your fingers through his hair, and he leans into it before getting back to work, but he just teases you. Licking and sucking just enough to make your hips move against him for more. You relax and enjoy it while you look around the dark room. The curtains are pulled shut, but you can see a little slice of city through the balcony's sliding door. The built-in shelves in the corner are over flowing with books, records, little trinkets you can't quite make out. There’s a bouquet of fresh purple flowers poking out just enough to see. You reach up and slide your hand across a silky pillow, and your fngers close around it.

"Oh…right there," you whine and take another fistful of hair. "Seungmin, god."

He laughs again, takes your words to heart, and doesn't hold back.

Your eyes squeeze shut, and you try hard to keep your body relaxed as he works, but all you want to do is thrust into him, make more fiction…finish…come hard. Seungmin moans and the vibration runs through you.

"Fuck”

He stops, and lifts his mouth off of you completely…

"No…please"

…and he laughs. "Not yet, not yet."

"So mean," you whimper, "why…"

You force your legs closed, but Seungmin doesn't like that. He grabs each knee and spreads you open again, and he slides himself between your thighs until his cock grazes your sensitive clit.

“Relax…” he comes down and bites the skin on your hip.

“I am,” you lie back and look to your left this time; at the desk, the instruments, everything he uses for work. The bedside table is bare except for a lamp, a pair of glasses you’ve never seen him in, and a silver bracelet…it matches the necklace you feel tickling you as he moves his lips up your body. “I am.” Your fingers tangle in his hair as he gets closer and closer to your throat, your neck. He bites down gently, and the pressure as he pushes himself in is so much more than you prepared for. He doesn’t tease—but he does at least take his time. After a few patient movements, he pushes in, and you whine in pain as he moans in pleasure, pulls out, laughs softly as he pushes in. Again and again.

“Fuck, you feel good”

“Slower…slow down,” your own voice echoes in your head, and you don’t feel like you’re all there. But you watched him make your drink, and he didn’t put anything in it. It’s stupid, but maybe it’s just him, and this room.

“Slow down? Oh, I’m hurting you.” He pushes in and stops, “I don’t wanna hurt you, but...you look so good stretched around my cock,” and pulls out carefully, “so wet.”

“You’re not hurting me…”

“I am”

It takes so much restraint, but Seungmin listens to you, and he’s patient as he pumps in and out. Every few strokes, he moves a little faster, and he knows he finally finds a good pace when you whine for him and squeeze his arms.

“Yeah, you like that?” He whispers and you nod, “you take it so well, fuck.”

His gentle affirmations keep you wet, and the sound you make together, the mess of arousal dripping out of you as he works—Seungmin pushes your thighs apart and takes in every little detail.

It does hurt, and it feels so good at the same time. “Please…”

The soft movements of your breasts distract him, and he takes them in his hands and squeezes. The look on his face is dazed, so full of pleasure. So lost.

“…don’t stop.”

"No." He’s not stopping anytime soon, not when it feels this good. “No, I’m not,” Seungmin speeds up, "I'm gonna break you in two," and slams hard into you, and no, he doesn’t stop, even when you cry out in pain. One hand falls down on your mouth, and the other pushes your shoulder into the bed, making you scream out again, but it’s muffled by his palm.

Your hands jump up and squeezes his forearm, and the other scratches at the hand covering your mouth. You can still breathe through your nose, but just barely. Seungmin doesn’t relax, and he doesn’t let up when you grab his side and dig in. Everything goes numb, but your skin prickles with goosebumps. You’re outside of your body again, looking down at the struggle, and the ceaseless pounding of his hips against yours. Every move he makes knocks even more air out of your lungs. Maybe if he comes, he’ll stop, or at least loosen his hand and let more air into your lungs. Time slows down, and lights pop up in your vision. You’re getting dizzy, and your heart was threatening to explode before he attempted to stifle your moans. Your chest starts to burn as you exhaust yourself.

There’s nothing you can do. Seungmin is stronger than he looks. Fingers squeeze into his arms one last time before the feeling disappears, and you think he finishes just as you let the rest of your body relax. Sleeping, that’s what this feels like. Falling asleep…feeling so tired you can’t possibly keep your eyes open any longer. Something in you needs to say his name one last time when the pressure of his hand is finally gone, but so are you.

/ / /

Seungmin can barely hold his body up, because he can’t remember the last time sex felt that good; the last time he came so hard. It takes a moment for enough blood to return to his brain, and for the post-orgasm bliss to subside enough that he can speak, but when he does, he finally realizes how silent you are.

“Hey, sweetheart…look at me,” he runs a soft thumb across your brow, and wipes away a stray tear running down your temple. Seungmin freezes, and the air catches in his throat. “Open your eyes,” he whispers, taps your pink cheek, and caresses it with a softness he isn’t used to giving out. Nothing happens. He pulls at your chin until your lips part to listen for the movement of air. Still nothing. “Fuck.” The shakiness of his voice surprises him. He climbs off of you and collapses onto his pillows, but his eyes don’t leave your still body. “I didn’t. You fucking idiot, you didn’t…” he’s up again and walking on unsteady legs, still weak from the exertion. Back in his sweatpants, Seungmin climbs onto the bed again and straddles your waist. Your cheeks are still flushed, and your lips, also still very alive looking, stay ever so slightly parted. Still, no air passes through them. He knows his own strength, and he prides himself on his control, but sometimes he does lose himself in the moment. But he kept his hands away from your neck. He very specifically forced that on himself, because this wasn’t the plan tonight.

“Hey,” he moves a piece of hair away from your damp forehead, places his lips against yours for the very first time, and he fills your lungs with air. Once…twice. Nothing. He tries one more time, and after, kisses you softly before returning to his spot on his pillows. The puppy plush falls onto his lap, and he grabs it, “you see that, Daengmo?” he says, and points its face toward you, “I still can’t do anything right.”

The first gasp for air feels like nothing—a useless, struggling breath like you’re still trapped underwater, but your eyes somehow open and see nothing but a blue tinted darkness. Hands clench something soft and slick…silky. Still corporeal after death, that’s the only thought you can create. The second breath fills your lungs and you cough it out, hard. So hard you sit up, and he’s there, holding your face, whispering your name. You try to push back, but you don’t think you actually move. Seungmin’s grip tightens on your shoulder, and he lets you fall back on the bed.

“Stay awake for me,” he says.

“No…no, stop”

“I’m not going to hurt you…I promise”

“Seung—” you feel yourself slipping again, and then his hand is on your bare chest, sliding up and down your sternum. It feels good, and you finally feel like you might be alive. “Seungmin?”

“I’m sorry”

And then you’re truly awake. The memory hits you suddenly—the hand caressing you is the same one that was clamped across your mouth. The other pinned you down onto the bed, and you can feel the sore spot where it's going to bruise. You somehow find the strength to move your arms and pull yourself away, but the burning of your thighs, and the leftover pain from the sex makes you shake and collapse.

Seungmin watches quietly as you scramble back up and gather your discarded clothes.

“You need to lay down. Please, get under the covers and get warm.” He finds your sweater, and holds it hostage. “I know I scared you, I'm—"

“Scared me?” Somehow, you manage to find and slip back into your underwear and tank top, but your skirt is nowhere. Why are you even looking for your clothes? You should have been up and running for the door, but your mind is nothing but static.

“No…I mean, what just happened is not what I intended. I lost myself.”

Finally, you go for the door, clothes or no clothes but it’s, unsurprisingly, locked. That’s an unbreakable habit of Seungmin’s. “Please let me go…please.” As much as you want to cry, nothing happens—but your throat tightens and it’s hard to breathe again, so you do the only thing you have left in you—collapse onto the floor and wait. "This can't be happening, not to me...no, everything felt right," you say to yourself, to the door. “Didn’t it?”

“I can't let you leave, I'm sorry.” He hears himself speak so softly, and it sounds as if it's coming from someone else, from somewhere else…not him. “You shouldn’t even be here right now. What’s wrong with me?” He mumbles the last part to himself, but it comes out louder than he intends.

You stare wide-eyed at nothing, forehead against the door, breathing deeply as you do everything you can to not have a full-blown panic attack. The adrenaline is quickly running out. But you hear the rustle of blankets and sheets, and then you sense him getting closer. His fingers close around your shoulders, very cautiously, and he pulls you against his chest.

“I’m going to pick you up, okay? And then I’m going to take you to the bed. That's all."

If there’s something you can do to save yourself, you can’t seem to think of it, so you give in and let him put his arms around you. And he does exactly what he says—places you gently in the spot he prepared a moment ago, and then pulls the blankets over you. He moves back a little bit, and stares. The strong, sweet scent of him is all around you now, but you manage to keep your eyes closed and off of him.

“I’ll be right back, I’ll get you some water”

They remain closed until you hear the lock, the door, and then him locking it again from the outside. He won’t be gone long. You’re up and scanning the floor again, trying to remember if you had your phone in your pocket. No…you left it on the bar, right next to your empty glass. The balcony…you have no clue what you expect to find out here, but you go out and look left, and then right. And then 25 stories down. The closet. It's spacious and neat; tshirts, jackets, shoes. The black and white windbreaker he was wearing when you first met him briefly catches your eye, but you close it quietly and head for his bedside table. You heard him slide the drawer open and shut right before he walked out. Maybe there's something in there.

“Oh…” The inside of it is neat and organized, just like everything else, so you get to see exactly what’s in there with one quick glance: a small knife, concealed in a black sheath, a few small syringes pre-filled with a milky liquid, handcuffs, nylon rope, a gag…"what the fuck"…lubrication, and several more condoms. “This can’t be happening.” A moment later, the lock clicks again, and without thinking, you grab the knife, quietly close the drawer, and climb back under the covers.

There's a bottle of water under his arm, and a mug in his hand. "I am going to drink some of this so you know I didn't put anything in it…and then I would like you to finish it," He takes a long sip before handing it to you, "The water bottle is unopened, don't worry."

Something is different about him. As soon as you woke up, something felt not quite the same. Even his voice, which was so serious, and a little bit solemn before, seems lighter and higher. You stare into the mug and take a deep breath, smelling the chamomile, the spearmint, and the orange. Seungmin finished nearly half of it.

"I'll take another drink," he holds his hand out for it.

"No…" you sip it very cautiously, and then take a longer drink. The taste and the warmth does help, and you finally take a full, deep breath. Seungmin rounds the bed as you sip, and you watch him carefully. If he opens that drawer again, he'll know you have the knife…and unlucky for you, that's exactly what he does. Maybe he heard you. Maybe he can just read it on you.

But he's quiet as he looks, and his expression doesn't change. He just closes it again and sits at the edge of the bed, naked back facing you. You find yourself admiring him again…his neck, his shoulders…stupid. He slides back and relaxes against the pillows, but he keeps a good distance. The bed is big enough for that.

"You have my knife?"

The way he asks isn't accusing. It isn't threatening. It isn't even rude. He asks as if it's just the next part of the conversation. When you don't answer, you see him nod his head from the corner of your eye.

"If it makes you feel safer, you can hold onto it. If you want to use it, I probably won't try to stop you."

"How long are you going to keep me locked in here?"

"I'm not going to let you go home alone in your state, not this late. You can leave in the morning."

"You're lying"

Seungmin sighs and turns on his side, and he looks at you—you look at him directly for the first time since coming back, but you're both silent. Just like his voice, his gaze is softer, and less intense. It’s also full of confusion, like he doesn’t know what to make of you; as if he’s wondering why you’re in his bed right now. His eyes start to close. At the same time, your eyes grow heavy, and it feels just like before. It feels like you can't possibly win against the sleep, and your thoughts wander as you drift; now you'll die, no more waking up.

The sun coming in through the balcony window warms the room. The light slices the bed right in half, and when you open your eyes, the first thing you see is his sleep tangled body—the legs of his sweatpants are pushed up almost to his knees, and his skin glows in the sunlight. He's sound asleep on his stomach for a few more moments, but then he mumbles something that you can't quite make out. A groan, but it's not a good groan. It isn't until right this second that you remember the situation you somehow ended up in. Locked in with him…whatever he is…a murderer? The drawer screams experience, and that experience screams serial killer, but last night didn't seem like an experienced killer. You suppose not every time can be perfect.

What are you even thinking? You pull the covers away and move to sit up, and it's then that you feel the knife, still tucked safely beneath the pillow. So Seungmin didn't sneak over as you slept to retrieve it, because you assume he actually did put something in your tea—something he himself also drank. Both of you fell asleep together, and now you have to wait for him to wake, and hope he meant what he said a few hours ago. No, you idiot. Where did he put the key? It's probably in the pocket of his sweatpants, so you move closer to him as carefully and as quietly as possible.

He doesn't stir. You stare down at his sleeping face as you slip your fingers into his pocket, and again, you admire him—the lips you never got to kiss, soft and pouty. His cheeks, his nose, all perfect and screaming to be touched. Seungmin must hear your thoughts, because his eyes open to you, and his hand clamps down on your wrist. Ice runs through your veins and your stomach drops, but instead of pulling away and retreating to the other side of the bed, you lean forward and press your lips to his, because…you don't know why. But Seungmin kisses back, and he means it—every nibble and lick, every soft moan coming from deep in his chest. You return the intensity, and something about his kiss feels good, but still…

“Oh…right,” Seungmin licks his lip and keeps his chin high, because he knows exactly how sharp his knife is. It grazes his throat, and your shaking hand doesn’t do much to relax him. “How could I forget?”

“Where’s the key?”

“I told you I’d let you leave, I meant it”

“Give me the key.” Now, of course, you can cry. Tears stream down your cheeks, and your hand shakes even more.

“Okay…okay,” he digs in the pocket you were going for, pulls out a leather keychain, and one gold key hangs from it. “Please don’t cry.”

You snatch it, but keep the knife against him until you’re too far away to reach. He doesn’t get up when you do. He doesn’t move when you grab the clothes you finally find on the floor, try the key, and sigh with relief when it works. It’s possible that he finally moves when the door shuts behind you, but you’re dressed and gone before you have a chance to find out.

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christakisbang · 1 year ago

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#stray kids #skz #skz gifs #stray kids gifs #kim seungmin #seungmin gifs #my gifs #sigh....i dont believe in forever but i want eternity with u..#i love u and ur quiet but no less tender sentimentality ksm #be my singer for a long time

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cupidevanesco · 2 years ago

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ALL OF THE GIRLS YOU LOVED BEFORE. | ksm.

➨ pairing: kim seungmin x SHS!reader.

➨ note: not proofread, highschool x forbidden love trope.

➨ word count: 7.5k

Seungmin was known as the biggest asshole among the juniors and seniors in highschool. No one knew what he was up to, breaking all these girls’ hearts and all.

so I wondered, how did I manage to make him treat me like this?

I walked around campus for a little while as classes have not started yet. I still had two hours before studying and had absolutely nothing to do, so here I was, walking around, kicking dried leaves that fell from trees.

i stopped in front of a big tree, this was my signature place.

I sat on the bench that was under the tree and took a book out to do something to entertain me. As much as I wanted to take my phone out and chat with people, I had no one to chat with — which left me no choice but to read.

It's not like I was reading something educational; I was reading fiction.

this school year had been tough for me, my class rank went down from first to fifth, I stopped being a people pleaser which made my friends progressively leave me, Day by day.

It’s fine, it's the last year of senior year anyway.

But other than that, I was focused on one person, and that was none other than Kim Seungmin.

me and seungmin was never fond of each other, we were always fighting since we met each other and this year, he bullied me so much to the point where I lost the energy to even do anything back.

it’s not because I was offended or affected by the things he did or said, it was just because I realized that I would benefit nothing from fighting all day with him — about absolutely nothing.

I never understood why he hated me, he would often try to trip me where there were a lot of people around, hide my things for laughs, make rumours about me, and more.

I don't even care anymore, but him and his friends’ bullying doesn't seem to stop.

to be honest, when he didn't use to bully me as much, half of me enjoyed arguing with him. I was enjoying it because he didn't do physical things, but now he had just gotten worse, worse than I ever imagined.

I don't even remember the first time we started fighting and why. all I knew was that he hated me and that was not gonna die down soon.

speaking of the devil, “hey loser,” A familiar light brown haired boy stood in front on me with a couple of his friends trailing him behind.

“What do you want, seungmin?” I blurted out, my voice having an annoyed tone to it.

“we’re not even halfway through the school year and you're already stressed, it's only march.” he mocked me, making me look up to see that nasty smirk he had.

“I did not ask that... I asked you about what you wanted?” I raised my eyebrow at him, completely ignoring what he had said earlier.

“Nothing much really, How are you doing y/n?”

I knew for a fact that he wasn’t actually asking me if I was okay, I knew that he would try to pull some sick joke that would ‘offend me’

“Better than fine seungmin, how about you?” I played along his little games, I honestly am itching to know what he actually wants.

“Doing better than you, as always.” Whatever, I’m aware that he has an answer for everything, why did I even bother to respond to him.

“Well thank you for your time, you can go on with your day now.” I smiled warmly at him. it was fake but I couldn't think of a better idea of shooing him away.

He walked away, murmuring something to his friends and laughing about it which I certainly knew was about me.

I continued to listen to music and read my book at peace when seungmin left, I know I should've just ignored him but he wouldn't leave me alone unless he completely ruins my day, but to his dismay, I just don't care anymore.

Half of me wished that we were in a book; where in the end we’re either going to end up as friends or lovers. It might be weird, but I would do anything for him to stop bullying me,

even if it was being his lover.

I would basically be delusional if I said that was possible, so I shrugged off the thought.

After almost an hour of reading, I realized that I ran out of coffee. I was too focused on what I was reading that I forgot I had classes in only thirty minutes from now.

I took all of my things and went outside of campus to buy coffee from my favorite coffee shop.

Time passed by and I already had my order and was ready to leave when seungmin walked inside the café.

weird, I never knew he went here.

he and his friends laughed at me again for an unknown reason while I did my thing and completely ignored them.

there was one thing I did whenever I saw seungmin in public; it was to ignore him completely like I've never met him before.

I was afraid that he’ll embarrass me in front of people that wasn't from our university. Being humiliated in front of people from uni was already horrible and being humiliated from strangers didn't make a difference, just worse.

I tried my best to ignore him, but I don't think he was gonna let me go back inside campus without embarrassing me in front of everybody.

I was cautious around my surroundings, I knew any time now he would be sticking his foot out to trip me, so I was looking carefully everywhere.

I was able to leave the shop without getting terrorized by no other than seungmin. It was honestly a surprise and achievement to escape his terrorizing and I was here for it.

I finally calmed down and reached my campus, continuing to enter and go straight to first period.

I wasn't too late to class and not that much people were there, and gladly my favorite seat wasn’t taken by anyone yet.

I sat by the window and put my things down under my desk, I pulled out my textbook to review some topics as we had a pop quiz today.

I wasn’t stressing out as much because I was actually able to focus yesterday unlike the past few days before yesterday and I completely understood the topic.

I always enjoyed first period and the rest of my classes before lunch because well, me and seungmin didn't have the same schedule which is a relief.

But still, we had the same classes from fifth to ninth period which was hell for me, I’m so tired of crumbled paper and paper planes being constantly threw at me.

usually, those paper planes and crumpled paper will have something written in in; I always fail to not read them because of curiosity as there's something different written in it every single time.

I ignored my thoughts and continued studying until the teacher came.

Time passed by fast as the class finally ended with the school alarms lowly blaring. I breathed the sigh of relief as I stretched out my arms and back from staying still for too long.

right before I went out, I put my headphones in, not wanting to interact with anyone i see; especially that guy.

While walking to my next period, I passed by seungmin who was clueless of my presence — thankfully.

he looked troubled while he was looking for the things inside his backpack. Was it karma?

I ignored it and continued walking towards my class, and to my dismay, seungmin ran back and ‘accidentally’ pushed me.

I fell to the ground as he looked back at me, staring down, probably contemplating if he should help me or not.

To my surprise, he started picking up the books that fell from my hands and gave them back to me. He muttered a little ‘I’m sorry’ and ran back to where he was before, probably still looking for the missing object.

I stood still, I was speechless since this was the first ever time that he did something like this.

Earlier morning, he was just mocking me and probably talking bad about me with his friends and now he's helping me pick up my things?

Why should I even think too much about it, It was his fault anyway, he accidentally pushed me, he's REQUIRED to help me.

it just feels so impossible and unreal for him to do something like that...

I once again shrugged it off and continued walking to my next class, grabbing a new drink from the cafeteria before going because my coffee was already finished.

once I reached class, the seat by the window was already taken, there was only one seat left; it was at the very back.

I'm not complaining though, but I do lack focus whenever I'm back there.

I suddenly remembered when I just started highschool, I always sat at the back of the class…

with… seungmin?

Oh, now I remember.

We used to be chill around each other because we had a lot of similarities, then suddenly, everything turned into a competition of who likes what better.

then it became academic, I won a lot when it came to acads, but these days he’s either ranked one or two, never lower.

his friends was right below him, meaning I was below his friends.

I don't remember exactly what we fought about, but at least now I know some detail.

I also remembered having a small crush on seungmin?

whatever.

I probably only did because he was the only person I talked to and he was also the only person in the whole campus with the same level as me.

the teacher walked in snapping me out of my trance, she didn't wait any second and started discussing, leaving me no choice but to listen.

Throughout the whole class, I felt uncomfortable because not only was my pants feeling all itchy, but my head and my back hurts and I kept on unconsciously trying to recall me and seungmin’s past interactions.

I lost focus on the lesson but still kept trying to listen whenever I catch myself losing focus. I needed to get my rank back.

I was doing something wrong with my acads but I don't know what, if I don't get my rank back this semester I will surely get myself tutored.

But to be honest, getting tutored traumatized me. My parents used to hire really rude tutors before to get me studying ‘well’ and all.

But if I needed to get tutored to get my rank back, I WILL get tutored.

I didn't realize that the class already ended, students were already packing their stuff and leaving while I was just staring at the half blank white board that was now being wiped by the teacher.

I quickly gathered my things and left, I knew I was gonna pass by seungmin again but remembering what he did earlier, I didn't worry too much.

As expected, I passed by seungmin and to my surprise, he was walking with a sweet girl. he had his arms wrapped around her while they were laughing and talking.

oh how I felt bad for the girl. She's gonna get her heart broken like the others.

I said nothing as I noticed seungmin taking a quick glance at me and looking away. I pretended not to notice and kept walking.

So many unusual things already happened today and I don't want to encounter more, because what the hell is happening?

first of all, seungmin bullied me and suddenly became nice, I remembered all of our interactions and lost focus, and now he's walking with a random girl who's ‘bout to get her heart broken.

I've seen enough for today, I’m already so drained. I just want this day to end, it feels so long.

I only had two more classes left before lunch and that still wasn't enough to keep me content, I needed this to finish early.

I can't take more of this bullshit.

I let time fly and barely noticed that i was already walking to the cafeteria, I walked to the back of the line and waited for my turn.

When I got my beverages, I went straight to the rooftop.

I didn't like eating inside the cafeteria, There was a lot of people there and I couldn't bear the loudness.

when I was at the last step, the door from the rooftop swung open revealing a girl crying real hard and running.

the same girl seungmin was with earlier.

after her, the expected came out.

A disappointed, bored looking seungmin comes out. arms crossed and walking slowly.

I tried to ignore him and walked straight past him but of course, he became the person he was this morning.

“Y’know, you’re a real loser eating here all alone everyday.” he looked at me with a straight and serious face.

I unwrapped my burger and took a bite, pretending to not have heard him as I had my headphones on.

“i know you can hear me.”

“i know you can stop being an asshole if you wanted to.” I blurted out, I was already as annoyed by everything and I didn't want him interrupting me.

“that doesn't even- you know what, I don't care.” — “just why are you choosing to be such a loser when you can just socialize?” he boredly asks,

“and why can't you stop annoying me! why can't you stop bullying me and breaking other girls’ hearts?! why are you doing all of this when you can just become a better person?!” I yelled at him, causing him to stay silent.

“why can't you just work on yourself than to try to make me better?” I muttered.

“Because I can’t okay!” He yelled at me, I now noticed the tears that were forming in his eyes.

“Yes you can! you were a much better person when I first met you!” I yelled back, I won't let myself lose in this so-called argument.

“I miss you seungmin.” I finally admitted, looking at him with full of hope that he’ll understand.

“what?” he looks back up, trying to process what I just said.

“i said I missed you, seungmin.” I stood still, not sure of what to do or why I said that.

“How? what do you mean? I don't understand.” he looks at me teary eyed and confused.

“i meant I miss the old you, the person who was fun and chill, the person who used to listen to music with me in my classes, the person who ranted to me when he needed to and also the person that I could rant to.” at this point, I could feel the tears in my eyes start to form.

“I-... I’m really, really, really sorry y/n.” He breaks down completely and falls on the ground, covering his face with both of his hands.

I couldn't help but feel bad, he looked like a complete mess right now.

I couldn't move and didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to do something.

I went closer to him and cupped his face with both of my hands, “i forgive you seungmin, cry it all out.” after that, I hugged him and ruffle his hair while doing so.

I could feel the warmth of his breath hit my neck as he finally hugged me back and cried more onto my neck.

He was mumbling his apologies and reasons while i only sat there and kept on comforting the poor boy.

I soon enough invited him to eat with me, and he gracefully agreed.

After lunch, me and seungmin went straight to our classes.

After that, all I knew was my day went smoothly with seungmin who wasn't bullying me, and in fact was even chatting with me when we got the chance.

All of our classes are finally finished and we bid our goodbyes and separated ways.

After walking for a bit, I realized that I left my phone in our classroom.

I rushed to the classroom I was last in and went straight to my seat, thankfully, the phone was still there.

while I was walking my way back, I saw a beat up seungmin sitting on the floor and leaning on the wall.

I ran close to him, “shit, what happened?” I immediately sat down and took out the first aid kit that I always bring as I tend to be really clumsy and fall wherever I go.

“some... some group of guys stole my stuff.” he groaned while pressing onto his bruised eye.

“that looks pretty bad. let me-” I stopped talking as I focused to medicate the wounds on his face.

as I was finishing patching him up, he suddenly spoke, “why are you even helping me? you suffered so much because of me.” for a small momentum, I stayed quiet.

I realized that he was staring at me the whole time.

“the clinic is closed... when you get home, put an ice pack on this would you?” I said, pointing at his bruised eye and ignoring his question.

he gave me a reassuring nod and stood up as I did the same.

“I guess I have to go now...? bye seungmin, stay safe.” I smiled warmly at him and turned away when he grabbed my arm and turned me around.

“thank you y/n... thank you for forgiving me and helping me. I’m really thankful that you're here.” he held my hand tightly, looking at me straight in the eyes.

I stayed quiet while just looking at him. “Y/n, I... I love you.” — “This is serious, I'm not playing with you or anything, I really do love you.”

I kept quiet.

“I loved you from the start, when I first met you, but things went wrong at home and I took my anger out on people here because I thought it would be unfair if everyone was feeling fine and I wasn't. I regret everything I really do, and you made me realize that.” he sighs as he looks down, letting go of my hands.

We stayed quiet for a few seconds and I finally talked. “it’s okay, I told you right? you could change...” — “and seungmin...” I said and picked up the both of his hands, recreating his previous action.

“i love you too.” I stared at him with sincerity in my eyes.

Seungmin broke down again and hugged me tightly, I did the same thing back and patted his back. I stayed silent, there was no need to say anything.

We were quiet for a few minutes. Seungmin wasn't hugging me anymore, but his head was laying on my shoulder.

“Hey… let’s go home and talk about it, huh?” I cupped both of his cheeks as I stared at his flushed face.

His hair was messy, his eyes were puffy, his lips were plump and was pinkish while his nose and his ears were red.

I tilted my head waiting for a response as he just nodded his head.

We both stood up from the slippery floor and walked out of campus, finally.

“Y/n, do you want to… hang out for a bit?” he asked, staring at me with puppy eyes

I smiled warmly, “of course, minnie.” I said as I wiped the tears in his eyes, making him smile slightly with a hint of joy in him.

I was taken aback when he linked his arms with mine and kept on walking towards the closest café.

I stayed silent the whole time, I wish I stayed in this moment, forever.

We entered the café, arms still linked. “Do you want me to order for you?” — “Actually, that's not a question, I'll order for you. what do you want to get?” he asked, and finally unlinked our arms.

“Um, are you going to pay? I can pay for my-” before I could finish, he cut me off, “no. I will pay y/n, I owe you my life.”

“I get that I kind of changed you, but don't be drastically dramatic.” I laughed and looked at him,

“shush… just tell me what you’d like… it's an order.” he cutely shushes me like a little kid, “okay fine, I’d like to have a belgium chocolate latte, please.” I smiled at him and leaned on my hand for support.

“Of course, m’lady.” He smiled again and winked at me, I rolled my eyes at his flirty response and waited for him to come back.

A few minutes later, he came back with two drinks and a few donuts that I didn’t ask for. He probably got hungry from getting beaten up or something.

I was surprised when he gently pushed the plate of donuts towards me, “I got you some extra stuff, maybe you’d like it?” he smiles at me with shiny eyes,

“What… you know what, I'm not even gonna decline. but let's share, okay?” I jokingly say, “whatever you want, my puppy.”

damn, we aren't even dating yet.

I laughed at his sentence and decided to sip my drink and take a bite of the food, at the same time feeding him.

I noticed how his ears would get extremely red when I gave him a bite of the donut, “you’re whipped.” I seriously but jokingly said, “yes ma’am.” He closed his eyes and nodded as a response.

I laughed at his silly little response and kept on doing my thing.

Half an hour had already passed and we decided that we should go home as the sky was getting darker.

“Can I take you home?” He asks with the same puppy eyes he gave me earlier. as much as I wanted to scream and run and say yes, I stood strong.

“Seungmin, we've already spent a lot of time with each other, no need for more.” I said and placed my phone back inside my bag, he pouted at my response and crossed his arms, turning away from me.

I chuckled, “what are you doing?” He turned around my with his little pouty face and rolled his eyes, I didn't know he was so childish with people he was close with,

or only with me…?

“Please let me walk you home…” he mumbled loud enough for me to hear. “Seungmin, will you date me in the future?” I asked, waiting for a response.

Seungmin seemed to have choked on his words and turned to me, “of course?” he says in a questioning tone, like it was the most obvious thing.

“Then walk me home when we’re dating. Bye minnie! stay safe.” I said and walked the opposite way, I heard him groan and finally talk, “fine! stay safe too, Y/n.” — “thanks for today…” I wasn't too far to not hear as I smiled at his response.

I reached my house and the next thing I knew was I already took a shower and was ready to take a nap. I know this nap is gonna be peaceful remembering what happened today.

I was only supposed to take a nap but it turned into sleep, I woke up the next morning with horrible hair but a pretty face, odd.

I guess it was probably because I wasn't too stressed yesterday.

I got ready for school and time passed by like it was in a time lapse. I was able to focus well on my classes and even got a perfect score on two of my quizzes in two different subjects.

It was finally lunch break as I low-key searched for seungmin in the cafeteria, I just couldn't let him know that I was looking for him.

My heart rose as I saw Seungmin sitting at a table with a group of his friends, they were talking normally and laughing with each other.

I wanted to call his name so bad, I wanted to let him know that I was looking for him.

After a couple of moments of being interrupted by the noises of the cafeteria while eating, my mood suddenly changed.

Some girl was trying to hit on seungmin.

Why do I care? we're not together anyways.

that girl’s a whore.

why am I so affected anyway, he's still a player after all.

rip that girl’s ugly fucking face apart.

I ran to the rooftop, frustrated at the random thoughts that popped up inside of my head. I needed to clear my mind for a moment.

This is why I never eat at the damned cafeteria.

I tried to shrug the thought off and chewed my food ‘till there was almost nothing left, but then suddenly, the door swung open, revealing a smiling seungmin and the whore who now looked like she was ready to make out with him.

My heart dropped as I saw that they were about to kiss, in fucking front of me.

“get a room.” I say as I pretended to be disgusted by the two and walked out, I saw seungmin’s shocked face before I did and that was all it took for me to start crying.

It was too stressful for me and I couldn't take it anymore. I went home crying and running. Does he treat every girl like how he treats me?

I didn't mind changing my clothes as I was too focused on the fact that seungmin was doing shit with other girls and it gave me a huge horrendous amount of feeling betrayed.

I cried myself to sleep as I had nothing better to do, my only choice was to cry about it because no one knows about what happened to the both of us anyway.

only him.

I shouldn't have trusted him.

I guess trust issues are actually useful sometimes, I should've let it take over.

I woke up from the sound of rocks being thrown at my window, I looked at the time and I knew that by this time my parents would be asleep. who could be throwing rocks at my window at two in the morning?

People would hate me if I said I didn't hesitate to look at who was throwing at the window because one, it's stupid, and two, it could be a killer and my life could be in danger.

but I couldn't care any less, I just wanted to make the dude stop. I just want rest and I can't even get that as well.

I stared in shock when I saw who was in our backyard, it was none other than seungmin.

Society would say that I'm stupid or I'm making a fool of myself if it found out that I let him in, because I mean, he got me pretty fucked up in just a day.

As he entered, I backed away, I didn't want to be close to him even though I literally let him enter my room through my window.

“Y/n are you mad?” He looked at me worriedly, “Well I don’t know seungmin, am I mad?” I looked at him straight in the eyes with an emotionless face.

“You might have misunderstood, it really wasn't what it looked like-” I cut him off, I didn't want to hear more.

“Misunderstood that you were close to fucking that girl? don't worry, it’s okay seungmin. we're not dating.” I replied bluntly and crossed my arms, at this point, I wanted to cry but no tears would come out.

I chuckled, “You’re so good at acting, minnie.” I combed my hair with my hand as I crossed my arms back again after, “please… I didn't mean to…” He walked closer towards me with a ‘pitiful’ face others might say.

“No, no, it’s okay seungmin! totally fine! I mean why are you even apologizing? like we're not even dating bro.” I sarcastically responded to his lame apology.

“I’ll explain, She claimed to have liked me for years and I didn't know what to do so I acted through it! and she suddenly brought me to the rooftop and I don't know… I left her after I saw you.” he explained, making everything clear for me.

“so seungmin, are you implying that if we dated and some girl confessed to you, you’d fuck her?” I laughed and kept my arms crossed.

“No! no y/n please I really didn't want to! but my friends were making fun of me and calling me names and all…” he scratched his head, I've had enough of this bullshit.

“LAME! you're fucking lame! What kind of excuse is that?! leave my room right now. right now seungmin! fucking asshole.” I yelled and mumbled the last two words. I was so pissed off that I felt as if I wanted to jump off a cliff and die so that he could feel guilty.

The last thing I knew, he was hugging me and crying on my shoulder while repeatedly saying ‘I’m sorry, please don't leave me. I love you.

it broke my heart seeing him like this. my emotions took over me and forgave him, in the end, I was laying my head on his arm while staring at the ceiling.

the dim lamp made it comfortable enough for me to stay still, staying as quiet as ever.

“Y/n please understand if I want to keep our relationship a secret, if we start dating… y’know…” he suddenly speaks, not moving an inch.

“why?” I asked emotionlessly and bluntly, “because of my friends… My parents know you. my friends will snitch on me once they find out that I'm dating you.”

“why?” I repeated my question having no energy to form a proper conversation.

“Your parents, my parents, they know each other. my family talks a lot about how they're trying to beat each other on sales and will do anything to beat them, even if it means risking someone’s life.” he explained as I stayed silent, everything was starting to clear up.

“Seungmin, I'm sleepy.” I exclaimed and yawned, he played with my hair as I slowly melted at his touch and eventually dozed off and slept peacefully.

I woke up the next morning to see that seungmin was no longer by my side, there was only a pillow on where he had his arm and I was laying on it, he must've left while I was sleeping.

I got ready for school and the same thing happened just like any other day. I went to my classes, ate at the rooftop, went home and completely pretended that seungmin didn't exist at all.

it was already night time as I was getting ready to sleep, scrolling a bit on my phone before I heard someone throw rocks on my window again.

It's seungmin.

I let him in as he gave me a hug when he stepped inside, I hugged him back tiredly and laid down on my bed as he did the same as last night, putting his arms under my head as a pillow.

“I missed you, minnie.” I exclaimed. “I missed you too, my y/n. he replied back.

“How was your day?” he asked, “aren’t your friends wondering why you aren't bothering me at school?” I asked, completely ignoring his question.

“Oh, yeah, they did.” he scratched his head, “what did you say?” I asked,

“I said that there was no point of it anymore, and that I got lazy.” he responded. “m‘kay.” I replied effortlessly as all I wanted to do was sleep. Today was a tiring day from me and I can't even say or do anything properly.

“You seem really tired… y/n.” he says as he played with my hair like last night, “It was a stressful day.” I explained bluntly and closed my eyes.

“I have something important to ask you.” He suddenly says, making me shocked on the inside but having no energy to show it.

“What is it?” I asked nervously, “Can you be my girlfriend?” he turned to me and cupped my face with his right hand.

“huh… you're just tired. Let's get some rest.” I say and shrug it off, closing my eyes once again.

“No y/n, please give me the permission to be yours. to be your boyfriend.” he says, making me open my eyes, I now realized what he has said was serious.

“seungmin… of course.” I say in happiness. I couldn't explain how happy I was, despite the fact that I was all sleepy and tired, I still managed to have the energy to smile and hug him tightly.

He kept on playing with my hair while hugging me back too, “Goodnight, sleep well, love.” I was too tired to respond and dozed off.

As expected, I woke up the next morning with seungmin gone and a pillow under my head.

I got ready, did what I did on a daily basis and everything was going completely normal.

I went to class, ate at the rooftop, went home, and have seungmin throw rocks at my window.

I woke up the next day with seungmin gone like usual and the same cycle repeats over and over again.

Six months passed and the same thing happened every single day, except I was doing better in my studies and I was now ranked second.

I was walking normally when I saw seungmin talking to a girl who seemed to be flirting with him, he didn't seem to react the same way the girl was acting and stayed there, standing still while staring at her blankly.

I was relieved to see that he reacted like this, but suddenly, the girl started crying and pulled him into the… fucking janitor’s closet?

I stomped my way to the janitor’s closet, kicking the door open with all my strength.

“And what do you think you're doing?” I grabbed the girl by the collar, never in my life had I thought I'd do this, not even something similar to this.

I glared at the girl while she stared at me in shock.

“Talk, bitch!” I said as I slapped her, seungmin got a hold of my hand which made me stop, “why are you causing such a ruckus y/n?” I froze hearing him call me by my name which he hadn't done since we started dating.

He looked at me coldly, as if we didn't know each other at all.

“what…?” I looked at seungmin, feeling betrayed. He pulled me out of the closet leaving the girl alone and took me to the same rooftop I just came from.

“Are you out of your mind?! do you want my family to find out and break us apart y/n?!” he yelled at me, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

“You might now care but I do, I care. I don't want my parents to fucking find out! I'll fucking die!” He yelled again, kicking an empty can of soda from the floor.

“So you'll let her do shit to you? huh!?” — “I’ve had enough of your bullshit seungmin! This is the second fucking time you let someone try to fuck you!” I yelled back at him, I wasn't backing down now.

“Y/n do you really not understand?! Did you ever consider my damn feelings!?” He turned around.

that sentence broke me completely, I absolutely had nothing to say.

“We’re not getting anywhere. I can't do this anymore, I tried to work this secret relationship shit thing and it's just not working. Let's end this. I'm breaking up with you.” I stared at him in frustration and sadness.

his face dropped, “fuck… no wait, I mean, I'm sorry babe, I’m just really stressed today-” I cut him off, “don’t sugarcoat it now seungmin, I'm sick of this bullshit.” I didn't say anything anymore as I felt like I was gonna have a mental breakdown right there.

In fact, I really wanted to work out things with him but I just couldn't, if our parents hate each other so much then there was no way, we were only in senior highschool and didn't have a job to at least support our decisions with.

I knew it was better to end things with him. It was the right person, but it was the wrong time.

If only I had met him when we're in college, working or something I could work out stuff with him because I know he can handle things without depending on his parents, but I didn't, I had no choice.

seven months passed and I finally was in college. I moved out and got my own apartment that my parents provided me that I soon enough would completely own as I finally got myself a part time job at a nearby hotel.

Being a receptionist was more than enough to keep me alive which led me to renting a larger and fancier apartment.

I was loving my new life at my job, college, my house, everything.

I also met a couple of new people who were hyunjin and jeongin, I met them at a campus project that required working with other college students and we met from making background props for apparently a really big film showing only in a month.

It was a perfectly fine day when I was met with a familiar light-brown haired boy who was looking… more decent now.

I was asked to show him around campus and tell him about all the upcoming large projects we have.

Wow, great timing and great person.

There was an awkward silence between us as I scanned him, he was wearing a simple blue cardigan jacket and some baggy white pants with some good ‘ol Jordans.

“Hi… Y/n. Long time no see.” He broke the silence by speaking in a happy tone that had a hint of nervousness in it.

“Hey, seungmin… I didn't expect to be seeing you today.” it was probably because the school saw on his information that he went to the same school as me in highschool and thought that we’d know each other.

Well great, because we do.

“Um… so…” he spoke and looked down, looking for words to say, “do you wanna see the campus or talk about the projects we have soon?” I talked confidently, I was NOT gonna show him that I was nervous.

To be honest, I missed him a lot but moved on from the past and now think of our past relationship as a sweet little memory of my highschool days.

“Um- we can talk about the projects! if that’s okay…” he said as I noticed his ears get red, like it used to. he's even more shy now.

stop it y/n.

“Yeah, totally. Where do you wanna talk? here or somewhere outside campus?” I asked nicely, waiting for a response.

“Uh, can we talk in a café or something?” He chuckled lightly, oh shit, the memories.

“Oh, yeah, of course.” I said as I put my phone back inside my sling bag and waited for him to lead the way.

He brought me to the closest café and we started talking about the upcoming projects and what he needed to help with. We finished talking after only half an hour and I was finally getting ready to leave.

“Hey y/n, you seem to know everything about campus. Why is that?” He asked me genuinely, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m the university’s vice president.” I chuckled without looking at him, just gathering all of my things and shoving them in my bag.

“Actually, I've been saving up the courage to ask you this since earlier but can we talk about… you know?”

I knew it, I knew this was gonna happen.

I sat back down and sighed, “fine, make it quick. please.” I pleaded, to be honest I actually never wanted this conversation to end but of course I wasn't gonna say that to my literal ex.

“I… you know what, I'm not gonna talk about the past… I'm just gonna tell you how my days have been, is that okay?” Was he just trying to spend his time with me longer?

“Yeah, go on…” I said, “so… kinda unusual but I'm a caregiver, and I've got my own apartment too, my parents aren't controlling me anymore, thankfully. And yeah, I guess life’s pretty decent… but empty without…” he said, not finishing his words

“What about you, y/n?” He suddenly asked, “well, life’s alright. I'm doing well with my studies and I have an apartment too. I'm also a part time receptionist at a hotel,” I exclaimed.

he smiled, “You’re a receptionist? you must be rich now.” He laughed, “Not to be egoistic or over-confident or something but, it's kinda like that.” I joked around.

“But… gosh. I can't take it anymore, can we… hang out? sometimes?

I stayed silent, I didn't know what to respond. my choice would either fix all of my life problems or make more problems, but I'm saying yes.

“...okay.” I responded bluntly and stood up, “see you… tomorrow. I’ll show you around campus.” I left without hesitation.

I felt suffocated inside there, my heart was pumping really hard after I realized what I just did, I really agreed to repeat history with that guy, with seungmin.

I went home as we didn't really have school today, we just met up because the teacher just wouldn't let me skip a day and the student council wouldn't let me skip an after school meeting either.

It was already dark and I had to go to work today so I rushed home and changed into my work attire and went straight to work.

Weeks and weeks have past and me and seungmin actually started to hang out, things were working out better than before. We were able to go around places without being scared of being seen talking to each other in a friendly way.

Then suddenly, he invited me over to a café… a café I will never forget.

It was the café that we went to a lot when we were in highschool.

I felt nervous and suffocated but I still went. My heart beating rapidly was also not helping, I saw him sitting there, wearing a sweater and baggy jeans near the glass wall, the same seat we were sitting in when we first made up with each other.

I sat in front of him, waiting for him to say something.

“Y/n… hi.” he greeted me, looking as nervous as ever. I tried to act normal and keep my cool while I was speaking though, someone here had to act all cool.

“Here’s your drink, I ordered earlier.” he says smiling while slightly pushing the drink towards me. I stared at the drink, A belgium chocolate latte.

“Thanks… so why did you call me?” I asked, “So I’ve been thinking…”

“I… I missed you, romantically. Please give me a second chance, y/n.” he held both of my hands, “Um… well, seungmin…” I was speechless.

“I’m really happy that we’re talking again, I've been so sad since we fell apart. I know we can work it out, I really miss you.” he begged.

“oh…” I sighed, “okay.” I looked down, wanting to just explode because I really gave in.

“thank you, thank you so much y/n you don't know how much you mean to me.” I saw him smile passionately while holding my hands tightly.

“Do you want to come over to my apartment and talk privately about it?” he asked, “Sure, seungmin.” I smiled warmly at him.

Once we were inside his apartment, I was surprised to see how clean it was.

We were now sitting at the couch with our unfinished drinks, “Y/n… will you be my girlfriend… I'll do better, I promise.”

it's not a sin to give him a chance, right?

“Of course.” I smiled warmly at him.

“Yes! Thank you! I love you!” he yelled with excitement and started to peck every part of my face.

After all the pecking he did, he hugged me tightly. “I never thought I was gonna be able to get you back, I love you.” he said while shoving his head on my shoulder.

I ruffled his hair and the next thing I knew, we were already walking at the park.

Months have passed, we were doing amazing, we announced our relationship with everyone and my parents weren't too mad, but his parents definitely were, yet we weren't gonna let them stop up and keep us apart, we didn't do all of this for nothing.

“baby… I love you so much.” seungmin suddenly spoke in his morning voice, facing me and hugging me.

I chuckled at how cute he was when he woke up fresh from sleep, “I love you too, minnie.” I exclaimed, making him laugh, still looking high.

“minnie… do you listen to Taylor swift?” I asked him, turning to him and ruffling his hair, “Yes, of course since you love her so much.” He said,

“Well, I can relate to her, you know.” I smiled, “how?” seungmin asked, “because…”

“all of the girls you loved before made you the one i’ve fallen for. every dead end street led you straight to me, now you're all I need, I'm so thankful for all of the girls you loved before.”

a/n: hi everyone, so yes, as you can tell, this is based on a taylor swift song (all of the girls you loved before) I finished this in only two days so please bear with me if it's bad, but other than that, if you reached it here, congrats. I already consider you as my fan. Thank you for reading and have a great day!

p.s if you want to see my other socials, you can find it at ⤵

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