#skipper wants to be a functioning person again

[dead-mans-house]

I decided to try to figure out who is considered human and who isn't in The Abarat series. After doing a scour of the books, my conclusion is that "human" is a word that is used differently by different people. It can refer to the species of humans, to people who are shaped like humans but are a different species, and possibly to people who are descended from the human species who live in Abarat (debateable) The word "Abaratian" seems used as a demonym more than any kind of biology word.

"Which Abaratians are human" - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,

I started looking into this because I wanted to know if the Candy/Carrion ship was technically an interspecies thing. It doesn't really matter, I was just curious

read my EXTENSIVE notes below

-The Fantomaya in The Lyre in the Abarat Prologue are referred to as human.

-In Abarat ch. 7, Mendelson Shape is said to make a sound that is far from human. He later says, "The Abarat isn’t for human eyes. You belong in this world, the Hereafter." This suggests that every human in The Abarat might not be indiginous to it.

-The Sea Skippers and Vlitters are both described with human comparisons, suggesting they do not count as human.

-In Abarat ch. 13, Candy observes the populace: "As far as Candy could see there were plenty of people who resembled folks she might have expected to see on the streets of Chickentown, give or take a sartorial detail: a hat, a coat, a wooden snout. But for every one person that looked perfectly human, there were two who looked perfectly other than human. The children of a thousand marriages between humankind and the great bestiary of the Abarat were abroad on the streets of the city." In the same chapter, Candy sees humans on a television.

-In ch 18, "Abaratian merchants" and "Abaratian slaves" are mentioned. The A in Abaratian is always capitalized, suggesting that it is more like the word American than it is like the word human

-In Abarat ch. 19, Carrion uses mummified human cadavers for his spell. (This fact is brought up again, later, in chapter 22) Ignacio the stitchling is apparently made from at least some human parts, because, "Two thirds of his body were still functioning as ordinary human anatomy."

-The people of The Abarat are apparently very aware of human norms. In ch 22 we read that Carrion had "heard it said that every fear that had ever chilled the human heart was here on Gorgossium."

-In ch 23, Candy doesn't seem to think that Pixler is fully human. The narrative says, "he seemed more like an ordinary human being than many of the creatures she’d met on her travels" which could mean many things.

-In ch 28, Malingo is said to be not "quite as vulnerable as a human being."

-In ch 30, the stitchling mires are of "inhuman design."

-In the Abarat appendix, we learn that Kalukwa birds "reportedly hatch downy human babies from their eggs every ninth year. These children—if saved from being pecked to death by juveniles of the previous year’s hatching_are often saved by the pirates and raised as their children." So this means that humans can be born from non-human parents. It also says that Alice Point, once home to the Fantomaya, no longer has human residents.

-in the DoMNoW prologue, Carrion specifically identifies Candy as a human when he refers to her head as "that human head of hers." It doesn't seem like a very human thing to say.

-in DoMNoW ch 3, Candy looks through a telescope at some carvings on Gorgossium and one is said to be "vaguely human."

-in DoMNoW ch 12, Our Earth/The Hereafter is called The Human World.

-Filth the munkee has a "human cast to his crooked face" in ch 14. What this means precisely is hard to determine because the next description of him doesn't seem very human at all

-DoMNoW chapter 16 includes a part where there is a mural on the wall with two people, "one human, one Abaratian" on it. This implies that the human and Abaratian identities are mutually exclusive. In the same chapter, there is a description of the Totemix. "There were none among the Totemix that were completely human; but then there were none that were completely animal either."

-Ch 21 calls not-yet-finished stitchlings "half-human sacks." This is a scene that just refers to them generally rather than any specific stitchlings.

-Ch 25, of a group of people on a ship: "the flames illuminated a great crowd of folks, some human, many not, assembled in the middle of the deck."

-Ch 26, Jimothi is called "the most humanoid of the tarries" because he walks on two feet. The soldiers sent to patrol ninnyhammer by the high court of the hours are called "human" in contrast to the tarrie cats. When the three monsters killing tarrie cats and humans combine to form mater motley, her shape is described as "unmistakeably human" and the narrative says "Its humanity was no great comfort to Wolfswinkel"

-ch 39 a baby dragon bites finnegan. Later the baby dragon has "the taste of human blood in his throat"

-DoMNoW chapter 43, Candy wonders why Carrion didn't try to mind-control her when he is able to mind-control Malingo. Her guess is that it is because she has a "human mind" as opposed to Malingo's Geshrat one.

-ch 46 Elathuria has a "human form"

-ch50 refers to Candy's family as "human food" and a "human meal" for Abaratian fish

-ch51 Mater Motley's stitchlings are "not all human"

-ch 56 candy's father refers to the people with candy as "not human" and explicitly points out the brothers john and finnegan. He is almost certainly just being a racist shithead about finnegan. The narrative describes Letheo's face as human

-Absolute Midnight chapter 2, Helio Fatha says "humankind can't hold on to a mystery." Jimothi is "purebred Abaratian"

-Chapter 3 involves a crowd of abaratians suggesting that all humans be killed. Izarith gives Candy her hat so Candy can hide her identity. So despite being bepedal and bearing a passing resemblance to a human, Izarith is clearly not going to be considered human by her peers.

-ch4 has a conversation between Pixler and Voorzangler

“Don’t look so worried, Voorzangler,” Pixler said. “I know what I’m doing.” “Of course, sir,” the doctor replied. “But I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t a little concerned.” “Boasting now?” Pixler said. “About what, sir?” “About your humanity. There aren’t very many employees of the company who could say such a thing.”

I think that this is probably supposed to be a metaphorical discussion of humanity rather than a literal one, but I leave it in the notes in case anyone wants to interpret it differently.

-AM ch 10, Covenantis hears princess boa's "human voice"

-ch18, Covenantis sings a spell described with, "These were the primal sounds of an Abarat that was holding the Hours in trust for humankind to one day possess."

-ch 21, the narrative around Boa calls earth the human world.

-ch36 one of the monsters is a pot and one of its ingredients is human meat

-ch 40 maas the half-dragon is compared to a human, but mostly to show how unusual he is

-ch 41 Boa says of Maas, "The closest he gets to having any real humanity in him is when he dines on it."

-ch 50 Rojo Pixler has "human anatomy"

-ch 52 there are "human-headed birds"

-ch 54 the baby Hemosh kills is said to sound like a human but not look like one

-ch 63 a pig looks "almost human"

-ch 71 Carrion reflects on Candy's behavior and thinks about how her human ancestry must make things difficult for her because she has fears of predators and the dark, but he is impressed by her bravery

[drawbauchery]

The Second Session

fic by cartoons-tothemoon

“So, let’s review, last session, we broke you down to many of your core traits and neuroses.”

“Thanks for reminding me, it’s not like I have the capacity to remember last week.” Skipper muttered.

“Well, now we’re here to build you back up, and work from that onwards.” Hans said. He had his hands folded plainly in his lap, and he’d changed the lighting in the office. Skipper hated it. He hated having to sit across from a smug as shit Hans as he waited calmly and quietly for Skipper to begin talking, with that terrible, blinding light that gave off a strangely clinical feel that makes him more uneasy than anything else. He wonders if Hans would let him sleep for the hour he was meant to spend here. Sure, he’d be paying $35 for a nap, which was crazy in of itself, but he knows from experience that sometimes all you need is a good nap to be a functioning person again.

“I’m not in the position to really diagnose you with anything, and even if I was, I’d still need more time to get to know your mind before I could really prescribe anything for your current conditions.”

“Conditions?”

“Plural. Like children trying to sneak into a cineplex in a trench coat, what was once one turned out to be two or more disorders standing on top of one another’s shoulders. Bouts of aggression and insomnia tied to intense paranoia, a complex that comes from being a leader, and a fear of depending on others. Abandonment issues, repression-“

Skipper waved his hands in a forceful sort of wave, “yes, thank you. Just tell me what to do about it already.”

“What?”

“Just fix me already.” Skipper seemed frustrated. “You’re the one who thinks I’m broken in the first place, the only reason I’m here in the first place is to prevent any future surprise tea parties.”

Hans sighed. They were barely even 5 minutes in, and Hans just knew he was going to be spending the rest of the session constructing arguments for statements Skipper constructed in seconds.

“If this was only to prevent any more…surprise visits from moi, then I would’ve been fine with just the first session. And I think you know that.”

He did. He did know that. Hans suggested the idea of a second session, and so did Skipper, in the way that you do when you’re bonding with people you have a rather hostile history with. No commitment was really stated, which left the ball in Skipper’s court, but what was he supposed to do after that thorough deconstruction, let it simmer in his soul for the rest of his known life?

He couldn’t even let it simmer for a whole week at this point, after all, he was already considering asking RICO of all people if he was too arrogant a leader and intentionally pushing people away.

RICO.

It made sense at the time, Kowalski would question where he was learning such jargon and be able to draw conclusions based on his recent absence, and Private would do nothing but validate him. Because he was just that nice, he supposed.

“Second, it’s not about being “broken” or “fixed” or what have you, the fact of the matter is that you have the most high-stress job in your already high-stress career. As much as I enjoyed our battles in the fish markets of Denmark, it’s not like the experience hasn’t done something to me, or you for that matter.”

Hans sighed, he was already just so exhausted by this…session. He’d even revealed that he too shared in mental health struggles if Skipper was willing to pick up the scraps left behind for him. Skipper looked a little surprised, sure, but fell back into an understood complacency sooner than later.

Was this the closest they were ever going to get to a true understanding of the other?

He supposed he’d have to take it.

“And lastly, I can’t tell you how to “fix” yourself. I’m a therapist, not a life coach. I’m not here to give advice, I’m here to examine your trauma, and give you a better perspective on how to move forward. However, I can’t take those steps for you. You kinda have to figure out a lot of those things on your own.”

Skipper looked positively moody about this, but less in a spoiled, petulant five-year-old sort of way, and more…accepting of it. He looked tired, and less because it was barely just a quarter past 1. It was an abstract tiredness, one not born of resting or restlessness, but a thing all its own.

Skipper sighed. “Then what am I supposed to do?”

“This is a timely process for a reason, Skipper. Many people can spend years in therapy trying to handle these exact issues.”

“I didn’t realize this was a life sentence in the making.” Skipper muttered.

God, this was already such a process. Hans could tell that Skipper couldn’t stand the vagueness of this all. He was an action guy, he wanted an easy solution of doing task A to accomplish thing B, and achieve reward C, and go on with his life.

No, not even an easy solution. A clear solution. Skipper was a problem solver. All of this was already so abstract, and he didn’t even know if he was so vehemently against this whole process just because it was him, or just because it was therapy at all. He even had a client who after a bad experience with a therapist in middle school decided to turn her sessions into stand-up, just because she was already so familiar and so bored with the process.

Maybe that’s what he needed to channel. Therapy in of itself was at the best of times uncomfortable and at the worst of times boring. He was already dealing with a high energy, high stress client, who was uncomfortable as all hell with being there. If he put him back into a comfortable situation, he may or may not get something out of him, and if he doesn’t, at the very least make him more comfortable with spending time with him at all, off the clock, at least.

“What do you like to do, Skipper? In your free-time?”

Skipper eyed him suspiciously. “Uh, why?”

“I’m trying something. Trust me here.”

That could’ve been phrased SO much better, from nemesis to nemesis, but Skipper seemed willing in the moment to run with that trust. “I like working on my combat capabilities, driving around, sometimes I watch TV and movies, I help Private bake when he feels like it, I nap, I gamble…”

Skipper seemed to be drawing a blank for whatever reason. Surely, he had things he did in his free time, right? It wasn’t like he was ALWAYS on the clock, he just never really thought of certain periods of time as…free. What even counted as free-time anyhow? Was it just time that wasn’t spent doing other things? Under that definition, no time was free.

“Can I say this to you as both a friend, an enemy, and somebody who’s known you for quite a few years at this point?”

Skipper nodded hesitantly.

“Jesus Christ, you need some hobbies.” Hans stated, matter of factly. “Working on your “combat capabilities,” as you put it, seems to be a literal constant considering your job as…however your job is defined, so it’s less play and more work than anything else. You mentioned helping Private bake “when he feels like it,” and I wouldn’t exactly call napping a hobby, or gambling a healthy one.”

Skipper shrugged. It’s not like “Stomp the Wombat” ever left the confines of the lair, anyhow.

“It just feels like you don’t have a lot of things you do just for yourself, you know? Driving around and watching TV are the only hobbies that feel wholly your own, something you don’t do for work or for others. Keep in mind that you can keep doing these things you enjoy, but perhaps you should find other things for yourself. Like an instrument, or a cooking class.”

“I told the boys that I joined a bowling league just to be here.”

“And did that seem believable enough for you to do to be here?”

His silence told Hans everything, but not the literal everything of Skipper “going to bed” at 8 just to climb through his window at 12:30, shimmy down the fire escape, and walk to Hans’s office.

But he probably could tell anyhow.

Of course, this kind of put a blight on Hans’s plans to make Skipper more comfortable while being here, and as he told him such, Skipper proceeded to lay down on the couch. Hans couldn’t tell the exact reason for the action, but it did seem to be a point of exasperation for him.

“Well, damn, sorry I “foiled your plot” to make myself comfortable in the den of the beast.”

“Skipper, you insult me. You really think I’d decorate my den with wooden sailboats? Absolutely criminal.”

“You seem to forget that.” He muttered. Hans ignored it.

“Although the hobby talk didn’t exactly lead where I thought it could…It did lead me elsewhere.”

“Goddamn it.”

“What skill have you always wanted to learn? What’s something that you’ve wanted to try for just, so long, and never got the chance to?”

Skipper began to pick at his lip. This whole talk already made him nervous, but now what was he supposed to say? That he figured he’d be in the back of a truck with is hand hanging out the taillight since he was 14, for whatever reason, so he didn’t even bother considering his top 3 colleges, let alone any future ambitions?

Still, if he was quiet for too long, either Hans would judge him, or he’d render his lips a bloody mess, and that’d be a whole different thing to deal with.

“…Archery sounds fun.” He said. Hans nodded.

“That’s interesting. It’s closely related to your pre-established interests but it’s closer to a sport now than something to be used in an actual combat situation, which sort of allows it to be separated from your work.”

Skipper nodded as well, allowing Hans to believe that that was his thought process from the start, and more of just curious to see if he could shoot a flame off a candle like Annie Oakley.

“You mentioned you liked baking with Private. Do you like the idea of baking itself, or just doing it with another person?”

“Food is meant to be shared?” Skipper seemed to be asking, but also stated in a very definitive way. “It’s a process. It’d be weird not to help in the process.”

Hans pulled his hand away from Skipper’s mouth, where a few small cuts were beginning to form. “If you’d like to have a session where we did a low-stress activity you wanted to do, and we talked while doing so, I think it’d put you in the best conductive environment possible to actually combat the problems that seem so visible to me. This was a good first development, though. I just don’t know if I can expect on accidental issues to identify and attack every time.”

Hans sighed and got up from his chair to stare out the window. Skipper didn’t know why he did this, outside of being a dramatic bitch, but it got him to look anyhow.

“It’s so incidental, many people struggle with balancing work and life as is, but this could easily be one of the main causes of your paranoia, as well as causing a level of detachment and depersonalization, which relates to how you relate to others.”

And well, damn. What was Skipper supposed to say to that?

“Our time’s almost up.” Hans said, checking his watch. Skipper was coming to realize how strange time in therapy was. It simultaneously felt like hours and seconds passing all at once. Perhaps it was because there were no clocks, like a casino. Or maybe it was because going to therapy at 1 in the morning didn’t exactly give you a sun to follow in terms of time. Hans handed Skipper a weird sort of rack with string on it, along with some tissues.

“It’s a loom. Fidget with something that won’t bleed for the next five minutes, if you would.”

Skipper glared at him for the snide comment, but Skipper didn’t exactly put it back where Hans had stored it originally. Picking at the strings inanely didn’t feel as satisfying as his usual fidgets, but it would work until he lost focus and the skin had time to heal.

“I’m giving you three assignments until our next session.” Skipper would’ve originally rolled his eyes at the idea of homework, but there was something that felt already strange about this session. Last session, he was so thoroughly antagonized and owned in such a way that his entire psychological history had been exposed, but this made last session feel like…a misstep. It was almost like Hans was trying to give the rug back to Skipper after it had already been so unceremoniously swept away from him.

He seemed as unsure about this as he was, he even confided about the state of his own mental health, something he probably wasn’t supposed to do. Which, honestly, made Skipper feel better about the whole thing. He didn’t like being guided, and as much as he detested having to do this whole thing with Hans in particular, the idea of having to figure out a stranger at the same time they were trying to figure out him sounded like a nightmare. More than this already was.

The whole session felt off, sure, but it wasn’t as off as it could’ve been, and he knows it could only be worse.

“I want you to begin researching archery, if you really want to pursue it as a hobby, you should try to learn what you can about it before jumping in and figuring out it isn’t what you thought it was.”

“I want you to pay a compliment to each of your team members in a casual way, this’ll strengthen your bonds with them, in a way that allows you to affirm that you appreciate them, as much as they appreciate you.”

Okay, that sounded like hippie nonsense, but who was he to judge at this point.

“And finally, I want you to pick out a recipe to prepare during our next session.”

“Wait, what?”

“A recipe. Something that’ll take less than an hour. I have a friend who’d give me access to their kitchen in the middle of the night, so we’ll be on neutral ground, and I’m sure it’ll be more believable to your “boys” that if you really are doing something in the middle of the night, that you have physical proof of it. Considering how weirdly secretive you are already, the idea you covered up secret cooking lessons with a bowling league doesn’t sound too far-fetched.” Hans was muttering at this point. All these things answered questions he figured he’d have, but nothing that helped with where he was NOW.

“I know it’s a weird idea, but the clients who have had the chance to do different, vaguely active things during our sessions tend to be more open and honest with me about things that they’re worried about, things that they struggle with, and they can make for more engaging sessions where you actually take in what I’m telling you, and makes it less of a lecture.” Hans sighed. “If you hate it, we never have to try anything like that again, but, I do really want you to give it a try. This is a two-way street, I can only give as much as I myself get. I just got lucky this week.”

Skipper stopped strumming the loom.

“Text me the address.” He said, and Hans would have burst with joy if such a thing was appropriate in present company, until he realized.

“I…don’t have your number?”

“Oh, no, session’s over! Wow, how did the time fly? Guess you’ll just have to figure that out for yourself, what a swell talk we had, doc,” Skipper yelled as he headed out the door.

“Pay at the front desk!” Hans yelled back before relaxing into his chair. Skipper was never going to be an easy client to deal with. Maybe he wouldn’t ALWAYS dance around the issues at hand, but he was never going to REALLY come clean about it. There may be things they never talk about, the same way Hans did.

And that was fine. Maybe it made what little he did learn all the more rewarding. Maybe it made what little he learned all the more meaningless if Skipper ever reached a point of complete and utter honesty with him, a fantasy he knew would never see come to light.

But who was to say, really?

It was all a matter of time.

After all, this was only the second session.

(Ahh! I can’t believe I didn’t post another fic for a whole! Month! I think it’s just because I didn’t really know what to do for the second session, and I think you can kinda tell, considering it’s not like Hans knows what to do either. Do you guys really want a whole fic series about Skipper going to therapy? I have no idea. It’s pretty fun, though. I don’t know how Hans became a therapist, either, but I guess that’s just what the dude does now. By the way, the client who turned her therapy sessions into stand-up comedy? That was just me in high school with my mandated therapist. I once gave a funeral to a squeaky toy I broke in the middle of the session. It was simultaneously so sad and so funny at the exact same time.

This fic will be up on my ao3, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tadstrangerthings, as soon as @drawbauchery posts it!)

[sablelab]

Covert Operations - Chapter 139

SYNOPSIS: Their days in paradise have been wonderful, blissfully happy and therapeutic for both Jamie and especially Claire who has finally recovered from her nightmares. Today, Jamie has planned a day of special surprises for his Sassenach, although she is very surprised at their mode of transportation as they set off on a day of carefree adventure.  

Chapter 138 and all other chapters can be found at … https://sablelab.tumblr.com/covertoperations  

THANK YOU all so much for your continued support of this novel of a story.  I really appreciate everyone who is reading along.   I hope you will enjoy these next four chapters as I take Jamie and Claire to idyllic places in the Whitsunday Islands.

CHAPTER 139

 The lovers had fallen asleep in each other’s arms like they had every night spent here at Jamie’s home since they had arrived in Australia.  Every day had been idyllic, they’d been bushwalking, lazing on their private beach, had watched the sunsets and sunrises and had made love in nearly every room of the house over the course of the past week or so.  Memorable days and nights spent in each other’s company had been like a honeymoon.  Since being here in Queensland, Jamie and Claire had idled away the time spent together and couldn’t have been happier or more in love for it had been blissfully romantic and carefree in this paradise so far away from Section One.  

The two operatives were off the grid and absolutely uncontactable by Madeline and Operations. Their friend Murtagh, was the only one entrusted with where they were going and Jamie had let him know categorically that under no circumstances was he to contact them or let anyone know they had left Hong Kong.  If Murtagh valued his life, and their friendship, then he would leave them in peace to enjoy their much-needed downtime to recover.  

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James Fraser looked down at his Claire in calm repose. He had lost count of the number of days that he’d awoken with her nestled contentedly in his arms, and he loved that their intimacy made his beloved feel safe and protected. Thankfully her nightmares had dissipated and his Sassenach had slept more soundly and peacefully over the past few nights, free from her past recollections. All the bad memories of the monastery and the demons that had tormented her dreams had gone, and she’d not had any more nightmares take hold of her mind.

Sighing, Jamie ran his hand over Claire’s tousled locks and brushed a curl away from her cheek before kissing the top of her head. Smiling happily, he then kissed the side of her face inhaling the special scent of his love that filled his nostrils when he buried his face into the curve of her neck.  He loved the smooth feel of her skin, but he loved it more when Claire arched her throat up for him to run kisses along the length of her swan like neck which led to the sensual foreplay that ultimately resulted in their lovemaking.

Life here in this paradise had been everything and more than they could have hoped for, but the fact that the days were speeding by, filled him with great sorrow. If only things could be different at Section and they were not under such scrutiny, then they could still perform their duties as operatives but have a life together.  This time here had been a cathartic experience.  He wanted their lives to always be intertwined in the same way their bodies had been for the last few days intimately and in peace.  However, the leadership of Section did not allow fraternization between functioning field operatives and until such time as this changed then they would have to be clandestine in their familiarity and togetherness.

It made him furious that they would once again have to return to the hellhole that was Section One after their two weeks, that they would have to pretend in front of their superiors that there was no romantic relationship between the two of them and that he would have to be careful not to show any emotion around the woman he loved.   However, looking down at the angel of his heart, he had a moment of clarification. He was no longer the same person he had been for several years.  Although he was still a cold, Level 5 field operative, he had changed emotionally.  Claire Beauchamp had changed him for the better.  She had made him more human and made him realise that he was worthy of being loved and giving love in return.

Shaking this malaise from his mind, Jamie looked down at his Sassenach’s peaceful, sleeping form nestled safely against his body. He placed a gentle kiss against her cheek, then pulled Claire in closer by wrapping his arms around her and rested his head against hers.  

He loved this woman with all his heart and he would do everything in his power for them to be together once the Rising Dragons’ mission was over. He had promised her that he would find a way and he was going to keep that promise. This downtime was more than just for them to heal and recuperate.  It was a time of honesty, of no regrets and a time for them to treasure every special moment spent together.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As she began to wake, Claire felt the touch of her lover’s kiss as Jamie brushed his lips over her porcelain skin once more.  She stirred against him automatically nuzzling closer against his warm chest.  Although still half asleep, she felt the tickling brush of Jamie’s growing beard against her flesh.  It was so erotic that Claire stirred a little more before wriggling a little closer. She let out a keening whimper as he teased her throat with his tongue before brushing his lips up under her chin.

“Mmmm … That feels so good Fraser,” she moaned as her eyes began to flutter in that moment just before they opened.

Hearing her moan, Jamie stroked Claire’s temple and kissed the top of her head as his fingers lazily stroked her delicate skin up and down.

"Ja-mie," she whispered softly.

The sound of his name on her lips spoken so breathlessly thrilled him. If she continued to say his name like that though, they may never get out of bed and he had special plans for them today that Claire would not think him capable of doing. He kissed her hair once again then trailed kisses along her cheek as his love raised her head to look into his eyes.

Their lips gently connected. "Good morning mo ghràidh," he purred in his sexy Scottish burr and a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “I could watch you for hours, Sassenach... see how you've changed ... how you're the same. Your hair... Mo nighean donn.” “My brown-haired lass,” Claire uttered softly, the words lingering on her lips like a gentle caress from her man. She smiled at him, then leaning up, placed her lips to his whispering against them, " Good morning lover. So, what are we going to do today?"

Grinning at her with a gleam in his eye, Jamie lightly rubbed her cheek and stroked his fingers under her jaw. "Tis another surprise Sassenach.”

Claire was enthralled looking at him with a penetrating stare as she wondered what this wonderful man had in store for them today.  She smiled back at him. "Hmmm?  I wonder what you have in mind this time James Fraser?”

A smile beamed across his face waiting for her response to what he was going to say. “I was thinking we could go sailing the Whitsundays today.”

She was a little shocked at this announcement given that Jamie and the sea often didn’t see eye to eye and he was prone to getting sea sick. Tilting her head back to see his eyes more clearly, Claire soon realised that he was indeed serious with his suggestion.

A wry smile and a surprised raised eyebrow greeted his announcement. “Sailing?  … But don’t you get seasick Jamie?”

“Don’t worry Sassenach.  Everything will be fine. It will be smooth sailing … I promise.”

Seeing the sheer joy on his face at this suggestion Claire couldn’t help but smile too. “Well then … a day on the ocean sounds wonderful. I would like that very much.”

“Good,” he replied then leaning down Jamie gently kissed her lips while tracing a finger down her neck, but he stopped himself before it went further. “Well then, as much as I hate to say this … but we best get up. Time and tide wait for no man ye ken.”  

"Okay," she nodded in agreeance with his plan although with some skepticism but wonder in her voice.

Giving Claire a cheeky little pat on the backside, Jamie grinned at her and wriggled his eyebrows.  "Come on then Sassenach. Let’s get this day started."

She laughed and squatted his hand away before responding with a kiss of her own. “You’ll keep Fraser,” and rolling away from each other they got out of bed ready for a day of adventure.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Holding hands Jamie and Claire walked along the docks of the private marina admiring the rows of sailboats and yachts moored there until they stopped at a sleek, beautiful white yacht with a gold stripe along the side of it.  However, it wasn’t the boat’s stunning design that caught her attention but the cursive writing printed in gold on the rear of the boat, ‘Je Suis Prest.’

Claire approached the yacht admiring the gold lettering on the stern and side of the boat unaware of what significance the name held for James Fraser. Turning around she looked at him inquisitively.

“What a beautiful yacht Jamie. Is this our hire boat for sailing today?  Are you going to sail it or do we need a skipper? The name is intriguing … Je Suis Prest … I wonder what that means?”  

He gave her a tender kiss on the mouth and with a smile on his lips replied, “Ye do ask a lot of questions Sassenach.”

“I’m just a little gobsmacked by this beautiful yacht Jamie.  I can hardly believe this is for us.”

“Well it ‘tis. I believe that the yacht belongs to a Jared Fraser who is in France on business. He rents it out when not in Australia,” Jamie said standing in front of the beautiful, very big, yacht with the Fraser maxim emblazoned on the back.

“What? … No!  It belongs to someone named Fraser?  Jesus H Roosevelt Christ!  What a coincidence he has the same name as you.” Claire replied in astonishment dropping her beach bag on the dock laughing and realising that Jamie had answered one of her questions. She cast another look at the sleek vessel moored at the dock with new eyes. “Je Suis Prest,” she muttered under her breath.

“Do you know what that means Sassenach?” he whispered in her ear as he came and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Do ye know the Fraser motto, lass? My clan's, I mean?

“No. I don't.”

“’Tis my family motto Sassenach from my other life before Section.   Je suis prest … I am ready.”

“Je Suis Prest,” Claire muttered under her breath. Her eyes were sparkling with the thought the Jamie had given her another little piece of himself that he’d hidden all these years in Section. She smiled beguilingly at him.  

James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser, Section One’s incomparable Level 5 operative was always ready for anything that may occur at Section.  From dealing with the machinations of their superiors, to what happened on missions, to the life and death decisions he faced on a regular basis, this man was always ready. That is why he stayed alive and his team always returned safely.  Jamie lived this family motto every day.

“I’m ready too Fraser… “she teased, “… ready for our sailing adventure today.”  However, Claire’s face altered when she looked at him with some apprehension knowing that Jamie was not the best sea person. “But, are you really sure you will you be okay?”

Jamie saw the look that came over her face knowing how the sea affected him.  Taking her hand, he smiled at his love reassuring her that he would be okay. “I only get seasick on ocean voyages mo nighean donn. Sailing in the Whitsundays is calm like a millpond and the region is one of the world’s safest boating destinations Claire.”

He raised her hand to his lips and placed a kiss to her knuckles.  “It’s sheltered from ocean swell by the Great Barrier Reef, and the numerous islands provide calm and completely protected natural anchorages. That is the amount of swell I can tolerate.  I’ll be fine Sassenach, but I do have some acupuncture needles just in case,” he teased with a twinkle in his eye.

She smiled relieved that he would be okay. “That’s good to know. So, are you going to tell me what we’re going to do then?”

Jamie just shook his head and grinned. “No. ‘Tis a surprise…,” he responded amused at the irritation furrowing her features. “… and I know just how much ye love surprises Sassenach.”

“But Jamie …”

He looked at her beseeching face and capitulated a little without telling her he had planned to also sail to Whitehaven Beach for a picnic.  “Okay … I thought we might head over to the outer reef for some snorkelling. Would ye like that Claire?”

“Yes, I would like that very much.”

Her skin itched with excitement at the thought of sailing today with Jamie at the helm of this magnificent yacht.  The thought of the cool sea breezes crashing over her and the stunning sea views, not to mention the virile man she was with, filled her with excitement for what the day may hold. Wherever the wind would take them on today’s adventure she just knew it was going to be memorable. 

“Aye, Aye Captain.”

“Well then, welcome aboard sailor.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Holding Jamie’s outstretched hand, Claire managed to step onto the edge of the yacht and climbed onto the deck. Once onboard, she took a moment to admire the yacht from the lovely teak wooden deck to the cushioned benches curving on both the port and starboard sides of the saloon to the spacious cockpit where a huge steering wheel dominated the space. It was a beautifully maintained yacht and she was so excited to be going on this sailing adventure with Jamie at the wheel.

In next to no time after placing their supplies for the day on board, Jamie hoisted the mainsail that would capture the bulk of the wind power necessary to propel the yacht and if needs be, he could use the motors as a backup should the wind fail. He secured the vertical side of the sail to the mast, and its horizontal side to the boom parallel to the deck. Jamie then made his way to the cockpit to ready them for sailing while Claire walked over to the side of the boat and leaned over the metal railings, staring out into the crystal blue water wondering what adventures awaited them today.  She took in the clear blue skies, the warming sunshine and shimmering ocean waves.  Lost in thought she didn’t hear Jamie come and stand beside her.

He grinned at her and taking her hand led her into the cockpit and started the engine.  “Ready Sassenach?”

“Always,” she replied a wistful smile gracing her lips.

For Claire, watching Jamie concentrate on reversing the yacht safely out of its moored area at the marina as they headed out into the ocean was as mesmerizing as it had been watching him manoeuvre their car on the journey when they had left Med Lab.

James Fraser never ceased to amaze her every single day, and this too was a new piece of information about the man she loved that filled her heart to bursting. He was a consummate, virile specimen of manhood and her eyes glided over his torso from head to toe, before lingering on his arms as she admired his prowess at the yacht’s helm. The fact that just the thought of what his body and arms could do to her, and oh, sweet Jesus … his hands … was enough to make her cheeks blush with wickedly delicious thoughts.

Claire knew that she needed to curtail these wayward feelings or they just might get her into trouble, but that had never bothered her before, and besides she felt a little flirty.  Moving up behind Jamie, she hugged her man pulling him against her. She placed her hands over his as he steered the yacht out into the open seas, then, resting her head on his shoulder, Claire sighed contentedly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They had soon left the yacht marina behind them and it seemed as if they were the only ones in the vast sea. The weather was perfect for sailing with a warm breeze and only a few clouds in the vibrant blue sky. There was something rather magical about going where the wind took you. The cares and stresses of their everyday life as cold-blooded killer operatives had ebbed away since they had been here, and the present became everything for them. Briny air, azure blue swells, and a wind that carried them to whatever destination Jamie was taking them to in this picturesque setting, was all that mattered. It was freeing and liberating for the mind and the fact that Claire had banished all of her nightmares from her consciousness, she had relished being in paradise as much as he had.

The sails now flapped in the wind as the waves gently rocked the boat and the salt and brine smell of the ocean filled their nostrils. What a majestic place this was for them.  They were completely unplugged and disconnected from the rest of the world, but completely connected with each other and their surroundings. Over the past week, the Whitsundays already had won their hearts and the fact that they were navigating new waters ... learning so much, working together as well as re-anchoring together through these wonderful moments, was everything. It was so different from their life in Section. The fact that they were having this incredible adventure, in one of the most beautiful locations in the world, immersed in nature, free and away from everything, with an element of learning and having to work at something as a team was really special.

This day was already turning into something unforgettable as Jamie and Claire talked about nothing and everything as they sailed along. The waters were the most beautiful azure blue she had ever seen while both of them were awestruck by the beauty of the sea. They were in the middle of the ocean, away from civilization, from their life at Section One and more importantly those who scrutinized their every move.  There was just the two of them surrounded by the beauty of this part of the world. This was a place that had always been on Claire’s bucket list prior to her recruitment to Section One, but one she had never had the opportunity to visit. The dichotomy of being here to being in Section was worlds apart.  It was as different as night and day.  Just being with Jamie made her felt free and alive as never before, compared to their hellhole where you never, ever knew if you would live or die on any particular day. This day had already started out magical and Claire knew that whatever the rest of the day would bring, that to share it with the love of her life was all that she could want.

The yacht smoothly cut through the tranquil seas as Jamie skippered the vessel towards their first destination.  He observed how happy and relaxed his Sassenach was and how very much he too was enjoying this sailing trip.  His stomach had managed to behave, and not once had he felt even a tiny tinge of seasickness. He was so looking forward to seeing Claire’s face when they arrived at the outer reef for some snorkelling amongst the coral and underwater sea life. It was then on to Whitehaven Beach to spend the day, swimming or paddle boarding off the yacht and perhaps watching the sun set from the water, drinking plenty of wine and whisky on a beach picnic, before returning home under the shimmering night skies. It would be a day of living life to the full and enjoying each other’s company in the serenity of this beautiful area. Although he’d planned some things they would do, it was the joyful spontaneity of those unexpected moments Jamie knew would happen with his Sassenach, that they would remember and hold dear to their hearts.  

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Life for Jamie and Claire over this past week and a bit had been magical.  They were somewhere that let them see the stars at night, somewhere away from their previous life where missions, End Games, covert operations, subterfuge and manipulation ruled their lives. They’d had the opportunity to connect with each other in a way that they were rarely able to do and they had relished their connectedness. It had been cathartic and exhilarating for both of them.  Their wounds had healed and they were both in a good place and frame of mind that when they did have to return to Section, they were ready for whatever fate may hold for them.

Claire couldn’t pinpoint what it was that made this place and the Whitsundays so special.

Was it the beautiful blue water, always a pleasant temperature so that they could swim whenever they pleased?  Was it the incredible islands, dotted not far from the shore? Some were home to sophisticated resorts while others, uninhabited, were filled with mystery. Was it the tropical weather or the magnificent Great Barrier Reef and fringing reef, home to an endless range of marine life? Or was it just that they got to appreciate and wonder at this special environment every day they were here?

Perhaps it was a combination of these things that made the Whitsundays a truly special place and one she would always remember. After all it was the place that Jamie had chosen to take her to recuperate and forget all that had happened to the both of them at the monastery and for that she would be forever grateful.

She was so relaxed and comfortable around Jamie here.  She had let her guard down but so too had he. He had a way of making her laugh, and conversation with him was so easy. His all too familiar touch had taken her to places of exhilaration and ecstasy when they had both surrendered to the joys of making love so freely and without inhibition.  Together they could conquer the world, for James Fraser was her rock.  He was her everything and she loved him to distraction.  

A hand suddenly reached for her waist as the man of her thoughts came and stood beside her. Claire leaned in close to Jamie as his arms encircled her waist and brought her to his side. Taking her hand in his, he guided it towards a new spectacular sight.  Claire’s voice was filled with joy and wonder as he pointed out another spectacular sight … an island, a bird and a pod of dolphins surfacing from the ocean.  They both laughed as they watched the friendly and playful sea mammals frolic in the water so close to the yacht.

“Happy Sassenach?”

Her delight was infectious. “Very … Oh Jamie, this is the most wonderful day.”

“’Tis only just beginning mo ghràidh,” he assured her with a mysterious gleam in his eye.

“I didn’t think it could get any better than sailing with you my love.”

“Well it just might ye ken, because we have reached the outer reef and I thought ye might like to go snorkelling and see some of the marine life.”

“Oh …” Claire replied excitedly unable to suppress the smile that crossed her mouth.

  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~to be continued Tuesday 18th August when we see what wonders are in store beneath the waters of the reef.

[cosmicjoke]

Ash, Yut-Lung, and the Fundamental Difference between them:

Okay, so I rewrote this, better able to get into words what I originally intended to say.

Something that gets talked about a lot are the similarities between Ash and Yut-Lung, and the theory that if Eiji hadn’t come into Ash’s life, Ash himself might have become as monstrous as Yut-Lung.  What makes them similar gets discussed plenty.  They both had brutal, abusive upbringings, they were both trained and utilized by their abusers to be efficient killers, etc…  But I want to focus on what makes Ash fundamentally different from Yut-Lung, and use that difference to argue for why I don’t think Ash ever would have become like him, with or without Eiji’s influence.

That fundamental difference is this.  Ash chose, and was able to choose, love, while Yut-Lung chose, and was only ever able to choose, hate.

That may not sound like a lot, but it is an objective truth about these two characters that, when boiled down to their most essential selves, means everything.

Ash always had a heart open enough to receive and give love, despite the cruelty and miserable brutality of his life.  Because of that openness of heart, when he was offered kindness, when he was offered friendship, he was able to accept it, and trust in it.  That’s remarkable, when one considers Ash had been given, in his young life, every reason NOT to trust in anything or anyone.   When he’d been given every reason to be wary, and suspicious of everyone, and to suspect ulterior motives behind every, friendly gesture.  And Ash does often approach people at first with that wariness and suspicion.  He approaches everyone at first with caution.  He would be a fool not to, given his life experiences.  But even still, with all of that fear and uncertainty, ingrained in him by years of enduring the most severe and traumatic kind of abuses, he is ABLE to TRUST.  That is simply extraordinary.  

It’s often Shorter who is given as the first, real example of a person who Ash was able to befriend and trust, but rather, I think, it’s actually Blanca.  Blanca’s later betrayal aside for the moment, let’s really look at this relationship, and what it tells us about Ash.

Blanca came into Ash’s life when he was 14.  Ash, at that point, had been trapped within the clutches of Dino for at least three years, possibly four, depending on whether Marvin had found Ash at ten or eleven.  Ash was repeatedly raped and abused by Marvin and Froggy before being sold by Marvin to Dino to work as a child prostitute in Dino’s underground sex trafficking ring posing as a seafood restaurant, drugged and passed around between high powered clients, treated in every way as a disposable commodity, before being chosen by Dino to act as the man’s personal sex slave, raped God only knows how many times, before Dino decided to turn Ash into his own, personal weapon as well, utilizing Ash’s brilliance and natural abilities for his own, personal gain.  While all of this was happening, Ash continued to be preyed upon and targeted by Marvin, who continued to rape Ash whenever the fancy took him.  Ash’s experiences previous to that were in Cape Cod, where Ash was repeatedly and brutally raped by his baseball coach, blamed for it by the police, and, after his father’s abject failure to protect him from said abuse, was forced to kill his abuser to save his own life.

Well, just think about all of that for a moment please.  Really THINK about it.  

It’s the most horrific fate imaginable for any child.  Truly.  It’s beyond words.  Beyond any logical explanation.  Beyond any kind of reason.  It’s a hellish nightmare, almost unspeakable in its grotesqueness.  

So, enter Blanca.  

When Ash first meets Blanca, he doesn’t trust him.  No one can blame him for this.  At this point in his life, what reason would Ash have to trust anyone?  Ever?  In truth, it’s a wonder that Ash is even still functioning in any kind of meaningful way.  It’s a wonder he hasn’t gone completely insane, or simply committed suicide.  With the kind of hell his life has become, like he later tells Eiji, it would have been a mercy simply to die.  It would have been better, than to live the life he was living.  One can assume, then, that only Ash’s veracity of spirit and powerful mind kept him from perishing.  From giving in yet to total despair.  Ash always was and always would be a fighter.  But after suffering the kinds of sickening abuses he did, after experiencing the true depths of evil for which mankind is capable, enduring the worst kinds of atrocities one could commit against a child, Ash’s ability to trust in any person ever again should have been destroyed.  It should have been.

But it wasn’t.  Beyond all reason, beyond all expectation, beyond all probability, it wasn’t.

Ash comes to trust in Blanca.  A trust which runs deep enough that Ash is able to reveal his true self around him.  A trust deep enough that he can look up to Blanca with the honest admiration that any boy with a normal life would his father, or older brother.  A trust which runs deep enough that Ash is able to look at Blanca with a genuine hopefulness.  

Blanca finds Ash after he’s been raped by Marvin, and Ash, thinking Blanca is there to do more of the same, succumbs to a full blown panic attack.  He stops breathing, his eyes go blank with terror as he can only fall paralyzed with horror and resignation, waiting for the inevitable.  

But Blanca doesn’t rape Ash.  He doesn’t assault him.  He instead holds him, and coaxes him to breathe, and lets Ash cling to his chest while he cries.  He comforts Ash, and Ash LETS him.  

Later, while still in the hotel where Ash has so recently been brutalized, Ash opens up to Blanca, and tells him about the abuses he’s suffered at the hands of Marvin and Dino, and again he cries, expressing his pain and rage.  And then, maybe most remarkable of all, Ash shows Blanca who he really is.  He laughs freely and with the abandon of a little boy at how hopelessly square Blanca is.  He completely lets down his guard and simply trusts this giant, dangerous man whom he’s known only a scant, few days.  He lets Blanca see his pain, and his loneliness, and his despair.  And he lets Blanca see how much of a child he still, truly is.  

Later still, when Blanca rescues Ash from Marvin, and Ash looks up at Blanca with so much open admiration, we see again the depth of Ash’s trust.  He believes completely in Blanca at this point.  He believes completely that Blanca won’t hurt him.  He believes completely that Blanca cares.  

After asking in a tone of pure reverence how it is Blanca was able to break Marvin’s wrist so easily, and after Blanca explains that he’ll show him, Ash looks up at him with the most naked and vulnerable hope, and it’s one of the most heartbreaking panels of Ash there is, for how completely you can see his trust in this man.  Exemplified too by how readily Ash goes with Blanca afterwards, following on his heels, sticking to him like a shadow, showing him the kind of trust a child would a parent.

All it took was Blanca showing Ash compassion once, for Ash’s wariness and suspicion to fall away, and for Blanca to help him once, for Ash to trust in him fully.  

After years of the most horrific and terrible abuse imaginable, after years of being lied to, betrayed, failed, and used by every single adult in his life, Ash, with unreasonable quickness, trusts in Blanca, and believes in him.  Believes in his honesty.  Believes in his kindness.

This trust is later extended to Shorter, and Skipper, and Eiji, etc...  The moment they showed to Ash genuine kindness, he took them at their word, and trusted in them without qualm. With everything precious to him.   

Ultimately, it was Ash’s openness of heart and willingness to believe in people, despite all that had happened to him, that allowed him to find so many loving, caring people in his life.  His own ability to trust, and his own capacity to love, which made it possible for him to make so many genuine, kindhearted friends who were so loyal to him, and who loved him just as much.  It started with Ash’s ability to love, trust and believe in others.  It started with Ash’s willingness to open his heart up to them.  

And herein lies the fundamental difference between Ash and Yut-Lung.  

Yut-Lung’s heart was never so open as to trust in anyone the way Ash was able to trust in those mentioned above.  After the abuse Yut-Lung suffered, his heart shuttered closed and refused to open for anyone, and thus he became consumed by his own hate and lust for revenge.  He wasn’t able to accept or believe in the shows of kindness offered him, the way Ash was.  And in his inability to accept or believe in kindness, Yut-Lung lashed out in petty jealousy for the way Ash’s open heart drew friendship. loyalty, and love from others, trying in that petty jealousy to take those things away from Ash, enraged that his own, closed heart was unable to inspire the same.

Ash was ABLE to believe in love, in spite of the torments he’d suffered through.  In spite of the pain, loneliness and trauma of his life, Ash was ABLE to love and be loved in return.  Despite it all, defying all odds and expectations, Ash was able to believe in other people.  Yut-Lung, suffering much the same, was only ever able to believe in hate.  

[ghostxofxartemis]

Prologue of my Fanfic Complete.

I’m just too excited, I want to share. I’m hoping to get an invitation to Archives tomorrow to post the First chapter, as I just completed it. But I don’t want to give too much right away! But here’s my complete prologue! 

Author’s notes: Hi everyone, welcome to my first fanfiction for Mass Effect, my all time favourite game! My canon Shepard, is default Shepard, Earth Born, War Hero, infiltrator class, paragon with a few renegade options, like kicking the merc out the window in Ilium and killing Kai Leng with that renegade button quick for Thane. Chose to destroy the reapers, and survived. He also romanced Ashley, and I wanted to delve into their story a bit more. However, most of the story will revolve around their daughter, 25 years later. I believe Shepard’s story is done. But that doesn’t mean that another Shepard can’t come and continue his legacy. Everyone survived except for Mordin while dispancering the genophage cure, Thane while chasing Kai Leng, Legion and EDI. However, EDI will be back (I can’t kill her off completely!) 

Another note, I always preferred to write in first person. I know it technically goes against all rules of writing, but I will be switching from John Shepard’s and Alex Shepard’s Point of view.

Also still brainstorming Titles.

Prologue

“The war is over. The Reapers have been defeated. 

Against all odds, and in the face of the greatest threat this galaxy has ever known, we survived. 

We suffered many losses. The relays are severely damaged, but we won. 

This victory belongs to each of us... every man, woman, and child. Every civilization, on every world. Now, as we take our first steps toward restoring what we lost, we must remember what it took to win. This wasn't a victory by a single fleet, a single army, or even a single species.

If this war has taught us anything, it is that we are at our strongest when we work together. And if we can put down our grievances long enough to stop something as powerful as the Reapers, imagine what we can achieve now that they are defeated. 

It will take time, but we can rebuild everything that was destroyed.

Our homes, our worlds, our fleets and defenses. All of this - and more. 

Together, we can build a future greater than any one of us could imagine.

A future paid for by the sacrifices of those who fought and died alongside us.

A future that many will never see. 

And while we still have many challenges ahead of us... We can face them together. 

And we will honor those who died to give us that future.”

Gasp. My lungs filled with air, I felt pain, everywhere. In all my years in my career, all those shots I’ve endured couldn’t compare to this. All I saw was rubble. Did it work? Did the crucible fire? Or did I just imagine that? “Shepard!” “Shepard, where are you?! Come on Commander?!” “Shepard?!” I recognized those voices. Samara, Jack, Miranda? But they were on the other side of the battlefield. I tried to move, but movement shot pain all over my body again and I saw stars in my vision. I was on the verge of slipping in unconsciousness. I knew if I did, I may never wake up again. All my medigel was dispensed during the final push, I had to stay awake until someone found me at least. Then they can take care of the rest. I tried again, slowly this time, I moved my head around, looking for something that could alert them where I am. I shot the tube didn’t I? Back at the crucible? Think Shepard, your pistol must be around! With great effort I started to feel around me, God this rubble is heavy!  There! I felt the pistol. I aimed in the sky and prayed there were still a couple shots left in the thermal clip. I squeeze the trigger. Bam Bam. Two shots that's it, I hear the empty click. They should have heard that, they must be closed otherwise I wouldn’t have heard them. 

“Get down!” “They’re not shooting at us.” “It’s Shepard!” 

“Shepard, stay with me, we got you, we’ll get you medic” Miranda’s face appeared in my vision as she spoke, her omnitool bright orange, I started to feel light headed but my pain was slowly diminishing, for now. How much medigel did she give me?! Oh, why does it matter, she knows what she is doing, she put me back together after all!  “MEDIC, OVER HERE! IT’S SHEPARD!” I heard Jack yell, before my vision went black. 

“Stay with me Shepard!” Miranda again, I was on a gurney, they were running with the medics, Miranda had her omnitool at the ready. Looked like she was scanning the damage, her face, didn’t look right...worried? “Miranda…Ashley?” I tried to reach for her. “Shh, save your energy. Just stay with me okay, you’ll be okay! The Normandy made it out on time, you did it Shepard” I didn’t know whether she was telling the truth about me making it, but it didn’t matter, all that mattered was that Ashley and my crew...my friends, were safe. All went dark. 

I woke up again, who knows how long I have been out, and heard beeping noise around me. I searched my surroundings, and noticed a heart rate monitor, tubes in my arms. I’m in a hospital, still alive, well at least I think so? Miranda’s face appeared in my vision, as well as someone else, don’t know who they are though. “Hey Shepard, you got some broken ribs, your left arm is broken, we’re keeping you under a coma for you to recover faster. But you’re going to make a full recovery.” I heard Miranda say to me before she turned around to the other man in the room and said “give him a dose, a bigger one this time, trust me he’ll be fine.” I couldn’t help but chuckle and I saw Miranda’s lip quirk up, I knew she got the same sense of deja vu: the first time I woke up in the Cerberus lab when she rebuilt me. But I knew I was going to be fine, after all Miranda would know best. All went dark again.

I woke up again, and I heard some rustling beside me, and I hand touched mine. “Hey Hero-Man, glad to see you finally awake.” I didn’t need to see who it was, because I would recognize her voice anywhere. A smile spread on my face, I never felt so much joy in my lifetime. Ashley was okay, and she was here beside me! I turned to face her, and tried to speak, but it almost felt like I had no voice. “Shh, shh, you’ve been out a while, just take it slow Skipper.” I had to say this though, and I squeezed her hand, cleared my throat, and with pure will I muttered a raspy “I love you,” she smiled and said “I know” and I fell asleep again. 

The next time I woke up, I felt much better. I couldn’t say how much time had passed, I figured maybe about a few days. Next to me Ashley had fallen asleep, she had her head on the bed all the while sitting in the chair she pulled up. I gently ran my fingers in her hair, and I felt her stir under my touch. “Hey pretty lady” I whispered, “Hey” she said back at me as she slowly lifted her head off the bed “You’re awake”. “Just woke up myself. How long have I been out?” I asked her. “Hmm, just about a month now, Miranda’s been looking after you until we could get the Normandy fully functioning again and back into orbit. We got back to Earth as soon as we could and got here. Dr. Chawkas took over your care after that” she replied. A month?! I took a moment to process that, I thought I had been out a few days, but a month?!  I was in shock. Normandy fully functioning? What the hell happened?! “Ash...what happened? After I got to the crucible? What happened?” I reached for her hand and squeezed it. I needed to know what happened after everything went dark. “The crucible shot red beams of light, and all synthetic, the Geth, Edi, even the Reapers, they all went dead. The Normandy was hit, we sustained a bit of damage before hitting the relay, we landed on an uncharted world. The crew worked all together to get the Normandy back up. Took us about 3 days, and then 2 weeks to get back to earth. But you did it Shepard - you destroyed the Reapers, the war is done. But there’s one more thing… Admiral Anderson..” she started saying, I nodded my head “I know, I was with him.” “I’m so sorry Skipper” for the first time ever, I saw a tear run down Ashley’s cheek. Throughout everything, Kaidan’s death, even when she was in the hospital and waiting for news on her family, Ashley Williams never cried, and here she was shedding a tear. I took my free hand and placed it behind her neck and brought her forehead to my lips and planted a kiss, and I held her there. She pulled away, and whipped her tears, “I should get Dr. Chawkas, I’ll be right back,” she stood up and walked out the door to get Dr. Chawkas, and I leaned back into the bed and sighed. I felt relieved that the Reapers were truly destroyed. But cords pulled on my heart. Edi had truly died. I was supposed to be dead. I had hoped that the catalyst had lied, but it hadn’t. Now Joker had lost the love of his life. 

I heard the door whoosh open again and turned my head in it’s direction, Dr. Chawkas looked at me, a smile spreading ear to ear, and behind her was Miranda. I could see Ashley talking to Admiral Hackett and James leaning up against the wall. I guess I could expect a huge welcoming party after speaking to Dr. Chawkas and Miranda. I was pretty sure there were others there that I couldn’t see. “Glad to see you awake Commander. You’re looking a lot better. I’m just going to run some scans here. I have to say, I’m impressed with Miranda’s medical skills, it was touch and go there for a while” she was saying as she lit up her omni-tool to do her scans. 

“Well, if anyone would know my body inside and out, it would be her, it wouldn’t be the first time either” I chuckle, and heard Dr. Chawkas chuckle as well, while I swear, Miranda’s cheeks turned beet red. “I suppose you're right. Scans look commander, you’re healing well. You should be good to go to physical therapy in a few days. But first we should probably get you some food,” she cocked her head in the direction of my stomach, as it made a growl, I swear everyone in the next system heard. “I’ll go get you something to eat, in the meantime Admiral Hackett would like to speak to you,” she turned on her heels and made her way out the door only to stop to speak quickly to Admiral Hackett “he’s all good Admiral, ready to see you” she nodded and Hackett give her a nod back “thank you Dr.” and made his way towards me. “Shepard, I don’t still don’t know how you pulled that off. That wasn’t short of any miracle” he reached out with a hand and I took in my own to give him a hand shake. “I don’t really know what really happened myself, tell you the truth Admiral” I replied. He pulled his hand back and clasped them behind his back, taking on his usual casual stance. “Tell me what you remember.” 

“I don’t know where to start Admiral. I reached the beam, and landed somewhere in the Citadel. Somewhere I’ve never been before. They were collecting human remains, and looked like they were gathering them to make another Reaper, maybe. I don’t know.” I pause to sigh and bring my thumb and forefinger to pinch the bridge of my nose for a moment, deep in thought. When I pulled my hand away again, I recollected myself to continue my debrief. “I made my way to the control panel, and Anderson had already reached it. He was trying to open to the Citadel arms. But the Illusive man was controlling him, stopping him from accessing the controls.” Hackett made a noise that sounded like a hmm. “So he managed to learn how to control humans, and not just husks?” he asked. “Yeah...thought he was implanted with reaper technology. He managed to get control over me as well. I tried to pull him out of his revelry, but he made me shoot Anderson, before he pulled the trigger on himself.” I sighed at the memory. I felt guilty, and it must have shown in my expression, for Hackett immediately interjected “It wasn’t your fault Shepard,” “It doesn’t make it any easier, sir”.

It must have taken me about a good 10 mins to explain everything, from the catalyst to the destruction of the Reapers. Hackett had agreed that taking control of  the Reapers would have been too much of a risk, what if down the line I would have become indoctrinated and started up another war? Rewriting human DNA is unethical. Destruction was the only way to go, even at a great cost. Peace between synthetic and humans is possible, as I had managed to prove to the galaxy with brokering peace between the geth and the Quarians. 

Hackett thanked me for the briefing and wished me a speedy recovery. I knew I would be out for a bit, but thanks to my cybernetics, it wouldn’t be as long as a normal person. Something I was grateful for, to be honest, even after everything that just happened, I still wasn’t ready to retire. 

After Hackett left, Ashley came back in followed by James, Traynor Carrying a vase full of “get well flowers”, Garrus, Liara and Cortez. “I brought you some flowers Commander, I’m glad you’re doing better commander, everyone has been worried about you” Traynor said as she placed the vase on the bedside table. ���Thanks Traynor.” 

“Just couldn’t help yourself from destroying the reapers with a bang, uh Loco?” James chuckled, I just rolled my eyes at him and shook my head. No doubt I’ve just earned myself more “Loco” points. “S’cuse me” Dr. Chawkas was shimmying herself between the crew with a tray of food in her hands, and when she reached me she handed the tray and I reached out and grabbed it and placed it on my lab. I scrutinized what was on the tray, military rations albeit not being the best and tastiest of food, certainly looked more appetizing than the clump of goo that was sitting in front of me. I looked up at Dr. Chakwas, eyebrows raised in a quizzical look “what is this supposed to be?” She shrugged and her expression  turned sympathetic, no doubt not wanting to be stuck with this goo and feeling horrible about handing it over to me. “It’s supposed to be oatmeal. Something soft but not too solid yet, have to slowly introduce food into your system. You’ve been out a while Commander.” 

I picked up the spoon, scoop up a spoonful, only to purposely drop through the goo back into the plate. “I think I lost my appetite” I grumbled. “We’ll leave you to it commander” Traynor gave a sympathetic look  towards my way before gesturing to the others to do the same. Miranda lingered behind a bit “I’m glad your back Commander” and turned towards the door to follow the others out. Only Ashley remained behind. I moved myself a little closer to the edge of the bed and pat the empty spot beside me for her to sit down next to me. She was more than happy to oblige, her smile spreading across her face. She lay down and leaned her hand on my shoulder. “I know it’s not appetizing, John, but you should eat” she said. I sighed, “I know, I just didn’t want to make faces in front of everyone” I replied, and she snorted. I sighed again and took another spoonful and slowly, the food made its way down to my stomach.

The few weeks I spent in the hospital and physical therapy had been slow and excruciating. Not in the sense that my body hurt, it was mostly all healed up at this point, thanks to my upgrades. But it was the fact I was stuck there and hadn’t gotten the all clear yet to get back into the field. Ashley thought I was crazy, that I had more than earned some shore leave. But I wasn’t one to just sit around and do nothing.

I also had ceremonies to attend. I had been given more awards for my part in the war. The Normandy crew had been granted the Galactic Unit Citation for their part in helping win me this war. I had been awarded my second Star of Terra, along with the Star of Sur’Kesh, Silver Dagger, and Nova Cluster. My recognition in this war had gone with plenty of notice. 

Eventually I was given the all clear to head back and command The Normandy again. Hackett wanted the Normandy's help in patrolling  the system, making sure no one went rogue. With the government in chaos, and the Alliance in scramble right now. And with all the repairs that needed to be done to the mass relays, he wanted to make sure no pirates or mercs decided to attack anyone at random. The Normandy was to escort fleets to other systems so that we can start making the repairs on the mass relays ASAP. I was more than happy to comply. 

The welcoming I received was heartwarming. Everyone was glad to see me up on my feet again. New armor had been sent to the armory to replace the one that had been scorched in the final push. Walking up the ramp I plot our first trip to Arcturus Stream for our first escort. “You got it, Commander” was Joker’s voice coming through the speakers. I couldn’t help but smiled as I turned around and headed to the elevator up to my cabin. It was good to be back on the Normandy, and quite frankly, I was looking forward to a night alone with Ashley. 

[drawbauchery]

The Inherent Eroticism of Clowning

fic by cartoons-tothemoon

At some point, Rico realized that Kowalski wasn’t a smiler.

He wouldn’t call the guy happy or well-adjusted, but, then again, could he even call himself that? And he smiled all the time!

But Kowalski…

It wasn’t like he was an especially angsty guy, he was just…moody. Emotional. Maybe even more so than Private. Private had two modes that he volleyed through, and otherwise remained at a middle point of the emotional equilibrium where he was just…fine. Skipper’s emotional state also seemed to be apathetic unless under great stress. But Kowalski? Kowalski bounced back and forth between that spectrum, it might as well been like watching a tennis game.

It fascinated him on some level that their resident nerd seemed to share many of the same instabilities as he did, and on some level, he was able to find a kinship in that.

Of course, Kowalski was never receptive of such a friendship, and why would he be? It would mean, on some level, admitting to being some sort of freak. An overly-emotional basket case with some unexamined problems here and there.

Sure, it was fine to BE like that, but admitting to it meant some form of culpability. The only reason Rico usually didn’t have to deal with consequences like that was because Skipper didn’t usually bother over-examining the issues that laid before him or the little discipline he gave him was harsh and swift enough to be a simple slap of the cuffs for five minutes before Rico could go on with his life.

Kowalski wasn’t the type to receive a slap on the wrist. He was, for lack of a better word, good. Not morally good, but, good by the standards of the team. He could be building his third edition of a death ray, but as long as he stayed out of Skipper’s way in the morning he might as well be a saint.

Come to think of it, Kowalski stayed out of everybody’s way, pretty much. Sure, they ate meals together and watched movies, but unless Skipper called them together or he had something to show off, he mostly kept to himself. He was usually in his lab or in Private’s greenhouse…

These were the facts as Rico knew them. Kowalski was a paradoxically over-emotional logical man of science, who gave off the vibes of being a gifted student in grade school, and kept to himself.

And he wasn’t a smiler. Over-emotional, yes, overly positive emotions? Not quite.

Rico figured it was his job to change that.

———

Over breakfast that morning, Private and Skipper went through their strange morning charade of being simultaneously open and loving and incredibly repressed, which, made for good entertainment on slow days.

However, this was not going to be one of those slow days. He had the lofty goal of trying to make Kowalski not only smile, but laugh. Laughter was easier to gain without just simply asking than smiling. It was sudden and explosive, while smiling was quiet and demure. Not his style, but he was looking for something of the same effect.

And besides, to get a genuine smile out of him in the first place, what was he really going to do? Complimenting him would feel weird, and anything else felt like uncharted waters for a reason. He might be known as the impulsive and weird one, willing to dive into anything, but, that came to violence and action. Those things made sense to him. Social things, even benign ones like these with people who he has known for years, had their own rolling tides associate with them. He didn’t know if these seas would treat him unfavorably, but he would never truly know until he took the plunge.

As plates were set down on the table of some weird sort of Russian pancake that Private had found on the internet and had wanted to test out in the kitchen, a thing that seemed to make him rather proud, enthusiastic to try something new, Rico dropped a line in Kowalski’s direction he had found on the internet.

A spoon was dropped.

Private looked scandalized, his palms practically super-glueing themselves to his face in shock. Skipper looked a little horrified, eyes briefly flittering to Private to read his reaction. Yeah, he saw that. Kowalski seemed to share in this same look of horror, jaw agape, blinking once or twice to get a read on the situation before letting out something of a confused scoff?   - He was guessing that was what it was - before he wrapped a hand around his mouth too and turned to the side to cough.

He couldn’t guess what his own face looked like, but he guessed it was a little vacant, at the least. didn’t see anything wrong with what he said, but he probably should’ve guessed he’d be wrong about that given his track record.

And that was how Rico once again found himself forever trapped in the ‘too horny on main’ corner that seemed to exist only because of him, with cold blintzes and an empty kitchen to return to.

He was forced to acknowledge it. In the event of being given the choice to sink or swim, he sunk. And everyone knew he did.

———

Upon reflection, Rico was starting to think that Kowalski might have been a happier person than he thought he was. He knows that whenever Private tells him a lame pun or joke, he gives a small laugh or two to keep him from getting discouraged. Not to mention, whenever Skipper praises an invention, be it an actual “good work, Kowalski!” or a back-handed “I like that it hasn’t killed us yet” seems to make him rather excited, though that could just be the pure enthusiasm he has when it comes to his work carrying him through a demonstration.

Come to think of it, Kowalski doesn’t smile a lot around him. He might if they’re in a group, when they’re all celebrating something with this big mob mentality thing going for them, but, otherwise. Nah.

Maybe this is because they don’t hang out a lot? He WAS banned from the lab. There was a sign and everything.

Maybe he just didn’t like him all that much? It’s not like he ever SAID anything really, but who could be for certain?

These were the things he had to think about while he braided Julien’s hair. Well, tried to, anyhow. He didn’t exactly understand how it worked, and no matter how many times Julien explained it to him, even that day, he didn’t think he was ever going to get it. However, on some level, it was their “thing” to do together, on days where they didn’t feel like doing anything but lounging around, but still wanted to do something more than watch TV. So, that seemed to be their afternoon, trying to figure out a French braid while he contemplated the emotional state of another man. It would sound almost scandalous if Julien didn’t know.

“You are like, the funniest guy on the planet,” Julien stated. “The idea that he can’t even shine a smile at you is a thing that is preposterous.”

Rico hummed at that, giving him a small head scratch that had Julien reaching for his hand to keep at the motion, but his mind was still somewhat elsewhere.

Julien probably only thought such a thing because he already liked Rico, and this love  of his had made him dumb. Just yesterday he read online that he should microwave a metal spoon before having ice cream, so it’s easier to scoop out of the tin, and Kowalski had to save what he referred to as his “souped-up electromagnetic baby” from such an act as soon as the sparking had drawn his attention.

Yes, truly it was love that had made him dumb. Nothing else, be it circumstances nor his general careless nature, could be the cause of such a thing.

At least the microwave thing had made Julien laugh. Watching Kowalski scramble from his seat at the kitchen table to wrestle a uranium-powered microwave off the counter, forgetting in his panic that he could’ve simply unplugged the thing. Such an act toppled him over, almost crushing him underneath the device. Julien found the erratic movement funny enough to laugh, even if it turned Kowalski three shades of a flustered red in the face afterwards.

Rico was also there. He knew what was going to happen when Julien had suggested it, and wanted to watch the sparks fly with him. He should’ve expected Kowalski to prevent them from absolutely destroying his creation, but he didn’t expect that.

Perhaps Kowalski was full of surprises like that. Multi-faceted. A puzzle.

That almost frustrated Rico more. He HATED puzzles. He liked things direct. To the point. Muddling through ambiguity was just such a weird and fussy thing to him. There was a reason he was the only one in the group with a functional romantic relationship that was able to stand more than three months of time, but it wasn’t that easy.

For one, Julien had asked first.

For second…what was he even supposed to say? “Have you secretly hated me this entire time or are my jokes just simply that terrible that you can’t even smile in my presence out of principle?” That was too direct. That got to the heart of this weird insecurity that had only popped up in the last week, and Kowalski seemed like the type to be frightened by that kind of thing.

And besides, the last thing Rico wanted was to look insecure. The second last thing Rico wanted, though, was to BE insecure, so those two conflicting thoughts sort of kept him from taking action. Or, at the very least, taking action at this point in time.

He was considered sort of an absolutist in his own right. An all-or-nothing sort of guy. However, that didn’t mean he was incapable of walking the thin line of gray that lined the black and white.

He just wasn’t capable of doing that right now.

After all, he was trying to learn how to braid a French braid.

———

Rico decided to lay relatively low for the rest of the day. Nothing during lunch, no weird comments during dinner. Nothing.

Sure, he still talked, but, it was a casual sort of thing. All very shallow stuff like “hey, how was your day?” Or “hey, dinner was pretty good tonight.” You know, normal things that sounded so utterly strange out of him. He might as well have been flying a kite at night, that’s how unsavory he guessed it came off given the ire that Skipper gave him during dinner, though Private seemed to welcome it.

It was a movie night tonight, though, and it was Rico’s turn to pick, so he figured he’d take advantage of the situation he was in. Especially since Private and Skipper were busy making up the popcorn (why there needed to be two of them when they weren’t even using it as an excuse to make out, he’d never know) and Julien and Maurice were chilling in the other corner of the room, reading or looking at their phones or something of the sort.

He had to seize the opportunity that he had so carelessly squandered earlier.

Rico flickered through a bunch of action movies, a few catching his eye for later viewings, but none of them really appealing to him at the moment.

He turned to Kowalski and shrugged.

“Y-You got any n-nature docu-documentaries you’re lo-looking to watch?”

“Are you feeling alright?”

“O-Only if they’re, if they’re cool.”

Kowalski seemed a little surprised at this. He shrugged. “There’s one about anacondas I’ve been looking to watch.”

“A-Are you s-sure that isn’t m-meant f-for pri-private viewing?”

Kowalski had to take a second to think about it before returning slightly scandalized, though more mad than anything else really. “It’s the REPTILE. That’s a dated joke even by your standards.”

Rico laughed a little to himself before sobering up. “I g-guess I ha-have been acting, acting weird t-today.”

Kowalski regarded this at first dryly, but then with a touch more compassion than Rico thought he was capable of showing towards him. “Oh, uh,” he began elegantly.

Rico sighed. “There’s-there’s a lot of el-elements t-to how I’m f-feeling, ya know?”

It looked as if Kowalski was about to put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, but he seemed to hesitate for a reason Rico didn’t understand that well, but also didn’t want explained.

“Yeah. L-lots of el-elements. H-hydrogen, Ox-oxygen, RadoN, Yttri-yttrium…The lot.” He sighed once more, trying to keep the smirk from sliding onto his face.

The hesitant hand that was at first drawn to Rico’s shoulder found a place under his chin as Kowalski slowly thought about what he said and how he compiled it together. When Kowalski realized, his eyes widened and Rico received a punch in the arm as Kowalski laughed, genuinely LAUGHED at such a stupid, corny science joke! He could’ve sworn Kowalski would’ve called him a son of a bitch as he did if he was that type of a guy. Seeing him laugh made Rico laugh too, with a sense of camaraderie that came with it, which kept Kowalski laughing as well in a sort of self-perpetuating cycle.

Rico let out a heavy breath as he had finally gotten it out of his system, and out of the corner of his eye, saw something he had never really picked up on before.

When Kowalski laughed, perhaps for too long, or maybe a little too much, or he just didn’t want anyone to pick up on it, he went to cover his mouth with his hand. It helped to mask the emotion somewhat, and it wasn’t the first time Rico picked up on the motion as a way to maintain a pokerface, but he saw it in a somewhat new light, so to speak.

He just had to be casual about it.

“Y-you do that every time?”

“What? Oh.” Kowalski said, hiding a smile behind his fist, though to call it hiding was generous in its own right, if not inaccurate. It was more of a self-soothing gesture. A comforting gesture, more than anything else. “Well, we can’t let you get too egotistical, huh.”

Then it took Rico a moment to think, and Kowalski used the time to grab the remote and select the documentary. When Kowalski pressed play, that’s when he realized it, “you mean this morning you-!?”

“Shh! It’s starting.”

———

“They didn’t even wait for the popcorn.” Private pouted, his arms wrapped around the largest bowl they could find in the kitchen.

“Did you hear how they were dancing around each other? Get a clue, am I right?” Skipper muttered as he grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl.

Despite their misgivings and their grumblings, they too soon could be found in front of the television for a movie night, even for a movie like this.

(I didn’t want to genuinely write out some sort of ass-clapping joke, but that’s probably the kind of joke Rico told. I know it in my heart, but with the ambiguity there you can kill the author who killed the previous author, so to speak and say what kind of joke he made. I capitalized the parts of the elements that spell out the secret message. You learn something new every day, but nobody ever said you learned something useful every day. You just happened to today. )