#skipped out on last year and havent rly been writing all that much

[applesap-fics]

so many wips release me from this hell

[aitian]

5:43 am 12/29/2020

end of year.

feels right to revisit how i looked this yr on photobooth. most ppl only knew me through my webcam. i dont have many thoughts abt who i am or what im doing these days. mostly playing video games with alice. we smoked together a few days ago & i still feel like im in deadtime. like maybe i cant remember the important things im supposed to from the past. & rly existential lately. the panic is just in my throat, thinking abt how fast time is going & how there is no way back. i think there is a carceral logic behind the entrapment that all us depressed & anxious kids feel.. like the inadequacy of being alive, the failure to feel like a beautiful future is unfolding. im not sure anyone feels that way these days, & maybe thats why they r all holding on so desperately. all empires fall. im so grateful to be able to feel moms body & be her child these days. i just wanna lay my head on someones chest & feel good, warm, soft, coarse fabrics. also feeling anxious abt my classes, turning in the same essay that isnt rly an essay to all of my profs. oops. it was rly the best i could manage. vestigial body... i will finish writing smth i feel proud abt one day, & it will be written to myself. like this. 

idk when the last time i wrote was, but maybe i wanna talk abt my relationships. feels like i got a hard reset on my brain by smoking with alice. oh god. anyway i havent been talking to sherry & adele recently bc i just dont feel right around them. in november remembering again what it felt like to feel so unwelcome all the time, feel that energy & those manners replicated by them toward me.. ik i should just talk to people frankly abt the things im uncomfortable with at home now that i have so much practice doing it but i just dont want to. somehow it feels like they should all just know, that they are living alongside me all this time in various ways even if i am not saying things to them, & our actions that connect us in relationship are felt by them too. & there is some part of refusal to see the relationship for what it is. im not begging for some trans pity or for commitment.. those kinds of relationship arent real. what is real is wanting to spend time with me, wanting to experience some sort of exchange between bodies, wanting to walk toward near horizons. feels like everyone who listens & agrees when i speak just does it to be amicable. there are only so many ways i can reassure myself that ppl understand me for who i am, even when they are constantly being led astray to hurt me. like alice saying its good for doctors to have objective views of their patients, outside of any other relationship. mom saying that she trusted our teachers to teach us what we needed. getting weirdly gendered messages from friends at home, & never asked in good faith about how i feel. its rly so shitty that even questions like how was the day or what ru thinking rn or whats on the horizon r things they want me to ask, then dont want to answer, & make fun of bc they feel awkward saying anything. so stupid. its this kind of shit that holds me back from letting my desires be known, these rituals of repression & shame. & i always wanna hear ppls desires & then immediately regret asking to know that our relationship is in direct conflict with their utopias. so stupid.

today after dinner, which was in the late evening, mom & alice & i did some short yoga stuff & then we did silly lion dancing. im still sore. i stretched out everything that felt sort afterward. anyway, felt good to be goofy & sweat & breathe hard. 

what im feeling abt this year: - vestigial body x1000 --> dark room, heart beating fast, waiting & squeezing. theres that episode of midnight gospel when the dying dog/reindeer lady talks abt giving birth & dying, like squeezing & tensing & on no this moment will never end & then releasing & coming to rest & then all over again. & that is what i think abt every time i feel in panic now, or in a deep place of fear. there r some pains that cant be escaped, & they dont need to be. they r felt all the same.  - i made a new friend through q&a who is a kid im supposed to b mentoring. it just means that all relationships are reciprocal (i dont like that word either, but they r never simply one way or transactional) & we met every thursday during the school yr. i prepared short stories for us to read & writing prompts, & we wrote abt stuff.  - i just cant remember. all i remember abt this summer was going to stone valley with mom, feeling the sunlight & my tiredness (in an enveloping selse, toward my body & my spirit), playing games w sherry, playing some piano, & working on that fire emblem romhack. feels like the year went by so quickly. like i just had my birthday a few days ago, & now the new year means it is coming again soon. sometimes whole lives are vestigial. what is gruesome & magnificent abt that is that those vestigial bodies are hard to kill without clear intentions & collective effort. what sucks is the entrapment. i have been feeling this cant remember feeling in a bigger way, toward what my life was like before college, toward who i was in college now that i am so removed, & even more toward the kid whose world blossomed into smth they desperately desired & felt afraid of. middle school me would be horrified. maybe an even younger me would be proud, feel in awe or struck by the rightness of home. - i want to remember mom. the way she walks around with her hands in her pockets. 帅吗。:). how we skip/gallop sideways to avoid the wind on our walks, & she bounces when she walks like a silly kid. i love her. unruly gender, stubbornness of feelings, failure failure failure is why we r hurt but also why we r rly still allowed to be here. thinking abt moms essay, moving away from her grandma, thinking she would live together again someday. thinking abt how im home this yr, in a way i thought maybe i would never be ever again. its so cruel to leave love behind for the sake of a ritualized life i could never participate in. i wont do it. i just wont.

some feelings abt the coming year - i want to meet someone like myself & fall in love. deeply, with myself, in relationship. i wanna have sex too, & feel held in my being alive. i wanna be allowed to enjoy my body in even more regards like wearing short sleeves & feeling the sun on my arms free from dysphoria, existing in public not noticeably & feeling the evaporation of racial tension, waking up with that feeling of possibility, like i want to be alive & eat food & go outside & do those things in my body that remind me that i am a part of how the rest of this world is growing. i wanna be held in that knowing, together, of wellness & movement toward everything that means we matter to each other.  - playing video games has been so important to this vestige & i dont want it to remain that way. i wanna collect stuff & grow stuff in real life, & grow myself & my relationships too. its not living when its the mourning of the freedom i should have always had & should have every moment i am continuing to life unfreely. - i wanna do some stuff to express gratitude to the ppl i have continued some sort of relationship with. feel bad abt how no one has emailed me back in more than a month now. maybe wanna do a q&a chapbook or yearbook. complex feelings bc i am so not in relationship with the ppl i wanna care abt. it sucks. part of that is letting go of guilt too, & being real with myself abt how much responsibility is on the other body to make me feel okay in our relationships. its rly not my fault that, u kno.. everyone is used to making someone like me feel like shit. sad that my most continuous relationships this yr r with professors. those dumb feelings of obligation r killer. i guess im grateful to be legible in some ways, while feeling the intensely awkward unwillingness to be real abt our positions relative to each other. i think lots more happening in this regard in the coming months w classes, blk atlantic ecologies, maybe smth w prof lee. & sometimes thinking abt what grad school would mean. - i wanna feel slow, i wanna feel like myself, i wanna feel free. some feelings r sitting in the garden on my own in the spring, planting some stuff. thinking abt what it might grow into, coming back again & again. the sun ducks behind clouds & comes back out, & the world feels so light & passing by. & time feels forever, like i have so much patience to dream & breathe & observe. this is one of my early memories, watching shadows on the concrete/sidewalks at preschool, feeling warmer then colder then warmer again. i also wanna feel the kind of collectivity that makes me know we all insist on home. i want it to branch beyond this home that i know. & also mean that i will not throw this away. im thinking abt how to exist intimately with more than one person at once. it is smth i will learn as it comes into my life.

[6-v-6]

1-100. Just give it to me all

ALNLSNGLSG ARE YOU SERIOUS OMFG im so sorry this is going to be Long

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? I’ll say Pandora just because it’s the only one I’ve actually ever used. If I used Spotify I’d probably like it the most but I don’t use those apps so

2. is your room messy or clean?VERY VERY MESSY I need to clean it but im lazy

3. what color are your eyes?Brown!

4. do you like your name? why?My birth name? No. And that’s why I changed it ahahahaha yes I like the name Jae since i chose it myself. It’s short and simple

5. what is your relationship status?Single 

6. describe your personality in 3 words or lessContradictory ....... Situational 

7. what color hair do you have?Currently it’s blue c: Natural color is a lightish brown

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?I don’t have a car nor a license :/ I want a motorbike tho ! a black one

9. where do you shop?I shop pretty much exclusively online. Buyma or Amazon, typically

10. how would you describe your style?I’ve been told that I dress like a “bad boy”. I like leather and black and ripped skinny jeans but I do like casual stuff too. Like hoodies and sweats

11. favorite social media accountIf this is talking about my own social media accounts, then this one right here on tumblr. I’m not very active anywhere else

12. what size bed do you have?uuuuhhhh I don’t know proper terminology but it is small

13. any siblings?Yup! I have an older sister and a younger brother

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?Japan probably? It’s super pretty and I’ve always wanted to visit

15. favorite snapchat filter?hmm I don’t use snapchat that much but probably the flower crown one it’s cute

16. favorite makeup brand(s)I don’t wear makeup tbh so i dunnooooo 

17. how many times a week do you shower?7 I don’t ever skip showering 

18. favorite tv show?Psych? I also like the 100 currently

19. shoe size?asglnasg... god .... im a 6 in mens nd like a 7 in womens i have small feet

20. how tall are you?ALNSLGNSG im trusting no one has read this far so it’s okay to disclose this info...exposin myself.. im 5′2″ ............

21. sandals or sneakers?Sneakers !! I don’t wear sandals like ever

22. do you go to the gym?Yes! Only recently, actually! I just bought a gym membership with my friend and we’ve been going 3 times a week c:

23. describe your dream dateoh geez I havent really thought about this? I’m not very romantic or anything (im on the ace spectrum) but... i dunno. I think it’d be nice to just have fun together. An amusement park maybe? And just a lot of hand holding and smiles

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?Upwards of 100 bcuz my mom keeps giving me money even tho i dont use it

25. what color socks are you wearing?HAH im not wearing any 

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?1-2 it depends on the night

27. do you have a job? what do you do?I work at the cafeteria in my school. I run the register and help to stock items and also serve food to people

28. how many friends do you have?wow this is a Tragic question. Online I have quite a few! In person i literally have....... 2. Barely that lol. More like one

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?Killed my sister’s fish (on accident)

30. whats your favorite candle scent?I’ve never thought about this or really smelled many candles to begin with :( something mild though. Maybe a mild vanilla??

31. 3 favorite boy namesuuhghg 1) Cain 2) Luka 3) Eden

32. 3 favorite girl names1) Erin 2) Rayna 3) Kira

33. favorite actor?I rly dont give a crap about actors if I’m being honest lmao. Uhh choi minho :)

34. favorite actress?Lupita Nyong’o?? she’s gorgeous

35. who is your celebrity crush?I don’t have a crush on him but does Lee Taemin count

36. favorite movie?Princess Mononoke

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?I read ff more than books these days. I don’t have a fav book

38. money or brains?is this what I prefer? Money binch if I had money I wouldn’t need brains also I’m dumb anyways 

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?No I do not

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?Twice? Maybe 3 times

41. top 10 favorite songscheck out shinee’s entire discography 

42. do you take any medications daily?Nope

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)i ?? have no idea?? I guess oily? My skin doesn’t get dry so

44. what is your biggest fear?Probably flying. I hate planes

45. how many kids do you want?Exactly none

46. whats your go to hair style?? uh side-swept? I have no idea what to call it just what my hair normally looks like I guess

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)A moderately sized house

48. who is your role model?Not to be cheesy but Lee Taemin also Kim Kibum also Choi Minho also Kim Jonghyun also Lee Jinki

49. what was the last compliment you received?that I’m great? lol

50. what was the last text you sent?’okay’ to my mom lmao

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?ARE YOU TELLING ME SANTA ISNT REAL??? okay but for real who remembers the age they find out omg .. i was Young so idk maybe like 13

52. what is your dream car?ohhh boy a lambo for sure

53. opinion on smoking?Gross. Smells terrible

54. do you go to college?I do indeed. I’m gonna be a senior ya’ll

55. what is your dream job?To be a writer I guess. I don’t really have a dream job

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?Suburbs? I dunno. I like living in the city I’d probably die of boredom in some rural area

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?hell yea binch

58. do you have freckles?nope!

59. do you smile for pictures?Not for selfies but for other pictures yes I feel like it’s weird or rude not to

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?like 300 something

61. have you ever peed in the woods?what the fuck?? lol?? no??

62. do you still watch cartoons?does voltron count :/

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?neither if I’m being honest but Wendy’s I guess. I never ever eat at mcdonalds

64. Favorite dipping sauce?barbeque sauce?

65. what do you wear to bed?An oversized shirt and boxers lol

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?no i cant say I have

67. what are your hobbies?Writing, sometimes. Playing video games. Bein unhealthy

68. can you draw?Naaaah

69. do you play an instrument?No :( I wish I did but I never learned any

70. what was the last concert you saw?SHINEE WORLD V IN LA!!!!!!!!! BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

71. tea or coffee?Coffee bcuz i h8 tea

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?Well the coffee at dunkin donuts is worlds better so dunkin donuts

73. do you want to get married?no

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?i dont have a crush

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?’when’ lol i dont plan to get married

76. what color looks best on you?black, in my opinion

77. do you miss anyone right now?no not really

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?open because if it’s closed my cat will scratch on it incessantly until she’s let in

79. do you believe in ghosts?hell yeah dude

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?when people like, dance around a subject. I prefer it when people are straightforward. Especially if they want something from me

81. last person you called`Honest to god I can’t remember. I don’t ever call people lmao so probably my mom

82. favorite ice cream flavor?I like Rocky Road a lot!

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?regular. Golden oreos are a lesser creation

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?RAINBOW. GIMME DAT GAY SHIT

85. what shirt are you wearing?It’s just a plain white t-shirt

86. what is your phone background?ot5

87. are you outgoing or shy?Horribly, annoyingly shy although I can mask it pretty well

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?yes :D

89. do you like your neighbors?lmao I don’t know them?? They arent noisy though so yes I like them since they aren’t annoying or anything

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?Both. I take a shower in the morning and wash it then. And then do a skincare routine at night

91. have you ever been high?no.... not that I know of. One time I took nyquil though and it Fucked Me Up i felt high but idk if I was or if that’s even possible

92. have you ever been drunk?nope. I’m not a huge fan of the idea of getting drunk. I don’t like letting my guard down like that so if I ever do it’ll be when I’m alone

93. last thing you ate?a mento 

94. favorite lyrics right nowthe entire lyrics to So Far Away by yoongi

95. summer or winter?WINTER. I hate summer fashion i like being able to wear my jackets and jeans and not Die of heat stroke

96. day or night?night I guess just bcuz I can be alone

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?dark chocolate is superior in every way

98. favorite month?uhm.. December? Because its the end of the year and I’m on break then and Christmas and cold weather and hot chocolate

99. what is your zodiac signI’m a virgo 

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?uhhhHHHH I really make it a Goal to never cry in front of people since im just super uncomfortable with that and honestly dont feel comfortable enough around anyone to do that. My sister walked in on me when I was crying once though so her I guess

[yumikoflare]

wowie this is a loooong meme - thanks for the tag @wildricebear more like wild loser bear...........

Rules: Answer all questions and tag 20 people. (putting it under the cut bc it’s 100+ questions!)

1. What is your nickname? i go by yumi! my rl nickname has the same amount of letters 🤔

2. What is your zodiac sign? aqua sun / scorp moon

3. What is your favorite book series? not gonna lie i havent read any book series in a looong time but my fav manga series is fukigen na mononokean!

4. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? ofc, i believe in both!

5. Who is your favorite author? errr i honestly don’t have one ahaha but sunrisesongs has some reaaaally nice poetry if that counts

6. What is your current favorite song? rn i’m a huuuge fan of kenshi yonezu’s suna no wakusei, namely the soramafu cover!

7. What is your favorite word? uhh don’t have one.. but the word ‘warmth’ has always struck a chord in me?

8. What was the last song you listened to? i think it was ra ra rasputin b/c someone at band was playing it on his phone LOL

9. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? i don’t watch tv oops  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ can’t think of anime recs either smhhh

10. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? i don’t watch movies if i’m feeling down but i remember enjoying the intern?

11. Do you play video games? mmm a little bit.. i play overwatch and sometimes osu and ive played a couple of mmorpgs here and there 

12. What is your biggest fear? losing my purpose and passion

13. What is your best quality, in your opinion? i’m a good friend! i think that counts

14. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? my lack of patience and intolerance to trials

15. What is your favorite season? winter!!!!!!

16. Are you in a relationship? nah

17. What is something you miss from your childhood? honestly? i don’t miss much in particular from my childhood other than that Sweet Naive Bliss™ because things have been getting better in my life since then so

18. Who is your best friend? nizh, swirl, mari, gil, noah, sam, laura, kayla come to mind

19. What is your eye color? dark brown

20. What is your hair color? dark brown

21. Who is someone you love? all my friends...........

22. Who is someone you trust? the friends i listed earlier!!!

23. Who is someone you think about often? honestly as of recently myself bc im working on bettering myself LOL but other than that, i think of noah kinda often?

24. Are you currently excited about/for something? uuuuhhhh not particularly

25. What is your biggest obsession? currently overwatch

26. What was your favorite TV show as a child? probably spongebob aldsakdsla

27. Do you have any unusual phobias? mmmmmm not sure but my anxiety makes a lot of small things scary so

28. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? both!!!!

29. What is your favorite hobby? honestly not sure... i like writing but recently i’ve been very into photo and video editing so!!!

30. What was the last book you read? probably the hiding place

31. What was the last movie you watched? goosebumps i think? watched it at home w/ my mom bc she hadnt seen it before

32. What musical instruments do you play, if any? [[[the sound of me, panicked, aggressively slamming my mallets into a timpani can be heard in the distance]]]

33. What is your favorite animal? dogs.... i love dogs

34. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? hm i rly like yamiiino, kaiami, tofuvi, star-plasma, and zandraart!

35. What superpower do you wish you had? healing factor!!!

36. When and where do you feel most at peace? idk, whenever really, surrounded in my closest friends; either that or doing something i love alone

37. What makes you smile? my friends...... also getting praised......

38. What sports do you play, if any? FUNNY JOKE i cant sports

39. What is your favorite drink? hell....... i love lots of different types of teas (black, green, jasmine, honey, etc) and im also a sucker for matcha... and i also like ice blended drinks... and (virgin bc im underage) mojitos.... and smoothies.......... fdgkjkdf i love drinks a lot ok

40. Are you afraid of heights? yes 10000%

41. What is your biggest pet peeve? close-mindedness and intolerance to other ppl/ideas/etc + having to waste resources

42. Have you ever been to a concert? only one! was a mayday parade concert earlier this year

43. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? like everything LOL a singer and an author were prob my biggest ones tho

44. What fictional world would you like to live in? HONESTLY the fukigen na mononokean world would be cool to live in... 

45. What is something you worry about? i simultaneously really like and dread band asdlsakdas

46. Are you scared of the dark? yup orz

47. Do you like to sing? heck yea!!!! singing is so good.....

48. Have you ever skipped school? no bc im a goody two-shoes™ 

49. What is your favorite place on the planet? i dunno! i don’t have one! the world’s so big there’s so many places i still have yet to go!!!

50. Where would you like to live? honestly idk i’m happy with where i am now LOL

51. Do you have any pets? i wish......... i want a doggo so bad but my sister and i are allergic

52. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? i don’t feel like either but i’m closer to a night owl

53. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? both..... the sky is a goddess and im in love with her.....

54. Do you know how to drive? i’m an anxious minor who is too afraid to get near the wheel LOL

55. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones bc earbuds always fall outta my ears and its a Pain

56. Have you ever had braces? nope B)

57. What is your favorite genre of music? ummmmm i don’t have a fav bc i’m kinda flexible but i like alt rock? and j-rock/j-pop?

58. Who is your hero? to be completely honest idk if i have one LOL im my own hero™ B))))

59. Do you read comic books? nah

60. What makes you the most angry? probably the same as #41 as well as like myself?? bc i get frustrated with myself v often and that concept makes me angry asdsa;ldas

61. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? nizh wrote “i like real books but i’m so lazy that i’m more likely to read digital” and i am in agreement

62. What is your favorite subject in school? errrrrrrrr i suppose la? but i’m abt to enter some new classes and learn under totally new teachers so idk it’s bound to change!

63. Do you have any siblings? ye, one older sister

64. What was the last thing you bought? a flowy cardigan from yesterday!!!! im lov it.... i might post a pic of it

65. How tall are you? 5′1′’ and 3/8 sdfkjsdijeiwjeje

66. Can you cook? yo i wish..................

67. What are three things that you love? my friends, music, food/drinks LOL

68. What are three things that you hate? same as #41 and a third thing would prob be conflict?? idk

69. What is your sexual orientation? as far as i know i experience no sexual attraction (asexual) and i experience romantic attraction to anyone and everyone (panromantic) so!

70. Where do you currently live? socal

71. Who was the last person you texted? probably nizh

72. When was the last time you cried? mmmm maybe a week or two ago... i cant recall exactly when so thats good

73. Who is your favorite YouTuber? oooohhh.. im super mainstream but i love arikadou LOL also zylbrad, seagull, and etika

74. Do you like to take selfies? i do! i usually only take selfies like every once in awhile when im feeling cute and when i do i take A Lot

75. What is your favorite app? i lov line camera?? also google photos makes things mucho convenient

76. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? tbh i find my relationship with my parents to be closer than a lot of my friends’ so :0

77. What is your favorite foreign accent? i dunno! french accents are pretty cool

78. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? japan! also the philippines

79. What is your favorite number? idk but i like 5 and 8

80. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? both freak me out but the ocean is pretty interesting

81. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? not in the slightest LOLOL

82. Are you allergic to anything? intolerant to eggs, pretty allergic to any type of nuts so that sucks, n i got those Seasonal Allergies

83. Can you wiggle your ears? NO I HAVENT READ HARRY POTTER

84. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? umm idk how often LOL whenever i think im wrong..?? which is somewhat frequently?

85. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? forests are lovely

86. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? honestly idk......... i remember my dad said smth about how you don’t always have to forgive everyone and by saying ‘it’s okay’ permits the other person to repeat the same action, so i choose my words rly carefully now bc of that :o

87. Are you a good liar? kinda half n half... depends on what i’m lying abt

88. What is your Hogwarts House? iiiiii forgot but it was either ravenclaw or hufflepuff... mightve been the former

89. Do you talk to yourself? YEAH especially when i’m practicing music or video editing

90. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert

91. Do you keep a journal/diary? as of very recently yes bc my therapist recommended me to do so :0

92. Do you believe in second chances? usually in most circumstances

93. Do you believe that people are capable of change? oh yeah definitely, anyone is capable of change, it just depends on their attitude towards it

94. Are you ticklish? yes i hate it

95. Have you ever been on a plane? yep, to san francisco and sacramento and i guess once to texas but that was before i could remember so

96. Do you have any piercings? nope and i don’t rly want any tbh

97. What fictional character do you wish was real? i have nooo idea there’s a lot of thought i’d have to put into this question LOL

98. Do you have any tattoos? nah but if i did they’d be veeeery simplistic

99. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? probably when i decided 1-2 years ago that i wanted to get my life back on track so i could become a person i could love and ive been making progress little by little ever since then

100. Do you believe in karma? mmmmm not reaaallyyyy..... like maybe a little bit but

101. Do you wear glasses or contacts? its ya girl almost legally blind and wearing contacts

102. Do you want children? not sure yet but probably

103. Who is the smartest person you know? no clue omg there are lots of smart ppl in this world

104. What is your most embarrassing memory? sometime in grade school i was sitting at the edge of a playground slide pleading for my friend not to push me down bc i rly had to pee but she did and i literally just pissed all over the slide and we just stared at each other for a long time and that was just........ Very Bad - I HAVE ANOTHER BAD MEMORY THOUGH it wasnt even long ago kill me??? i was at my friend’s house for dinner and her parents asked what my sister was studying and my sister just recently got into college and i had a veeeeeeeery vague grasp on what she was studying so i literally said ‘food and tectonics’ and i wanNA MCDIE BC I MEANT DIETETICS NOT T E C T O N I C S

105. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? mmm not a real one.. most ive done is stayed up til 6amish with nizh before goin to sleep  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ like i’m definitely capable of doing it i just don’t want to

106. What color are most of your clothes? dunno? i have a fairly colorful wardrobe but i almost always wear something w/ black if i’m not going for an all light outfit

107. Do you like adventures? depends on where to bc im very cautious LOL

108. Have you ever been on TV? nope

109. How old are you? how old is ur moM!! dab dab haha xd

110. What is your favorite quote? one of my favs is “there are no happy endings, endings are the saddest part, so just give me a happy middle and a very happy start” by shel silverstein; i have a few others but thats the first that comes to mind

111. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? savory tbhhhh

112. Have your friends ever badly disapponted you? umm not badly but ive been mildly disappointed by a few LOL

113. What is your favorite scent? that clean/fresh linen smell?? and also lavender and then light stuff like eucalyptus mint

114. Random fact you know? the duck-billed platypus can’t keep its eyes open underwater, so it finds its prey by using sensors in its bill that detect electrical impulses n then they strike! theyre pretty cool animals..

115. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? nizh said “hard. just, really hard. not sure if it’s worth it” and i also agree

IT IS OVER wow ok 20 ppl is kind of a lot and this is a loooot of questions so im only gonna tag a tiny bit of ppl (dont have to do it if u dont wanna!): @dunmerhealer | @aftertaste-of-memes | @inspiringnokias yeah that’s it LOL this is just Hella Long so idk how many ppl would be up for doin this so ye  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[natural--trash]

Tag thing, wanted to do it for some time but now im at my comp and stuff so uh yeah anyways

Rules: once you’ve been tagged you’re supposed to write a post with eighty-two truths and then tag twenty-five people

I was tagged by @fluffyliontae

Name: tsu (just call me that, or susu or smth yknow)

Blood type: A-

Nickname(s): susu, mym

R/s: single

Zodiac Sign: libra

Pronouns: eh whatever, on some days its he > she > they but it can also be a diff order so yeah seriously whatever floats your boat

Favorite TV Shows: W - Two Worlds (same), a Persona 5 anime could be one of them but there’s none

Long or short hair: long

Height: 162cm or so

Do you have a crush on someone: romantic none, aesthetic ones? squishes? hoo boy

What do you like about yourself: my eyes, that cute scar on my hand

Right or left handed: right

List of three favorite colors: too many, i mostly like colour combos, but light blue, black and #540003 i guess

RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing, i had brownie ritter sport a bit earlier tho

Drinking: water

I’m about to: draw

Listening to: Believer - Imagine Dragons

Kids: 0

Get married: nah

Career: I want money

MOST RECENT

Drink: water

Phone call: i think my uncle??

Song you listened to: before Believer there’s Bonfire on my spotify playlist but rn its Queen by History

HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: nah

Been cheated on: thats a long story

Kissed someone and regretted it: dont think so

Lost someone special: hmm

Been depressed: yeah

Been drunk and thrown up: never drunk alcohol

Kissed a stranger: nope

Had glasses or contacts: yeah

Had sex on the first date: nope

Broken someone’s heart: not that im aware of it

Turned someone down: kinda??

Cried when someone died: yeah

Fallen for a friend: im aro, that doesnt work

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yes

Fallen out of love: no

Laughed until you cried: yes

Met someone who changed you: mhhh dont think so?

Found out who your true friends were: kinda (I’m sorry that I’m always answering like this omg)

Found out someone was talking about you: cant remember

Kissed someone on your fb list: i dont use fb

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kisses: hugs

Shorter or taller: taller

Romantic or spontaneous: platonic

Sensitive or loud: sensitive

Hookup or relationship: friendship

Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

FIRST

Best friend: have conatct with both or them but we’re not as close? although I still don’t mind lying/rolling around on his floor

Surgery: does removing my wisdom teeth count? (does it?)

Sport: swimming (I wish I hadn’t stopped)

Vacation: Turkey

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: depends on the day (same)

Miracles: yeah

Love at first sight: i dont rly believe in romantic love, but other than that yeah has flashbacks to when x impulse bought a ps vita

Heaven: i want to

EXTRAS

How many people from your fb list do you know irl: i still dont use fb

Do you have any pets: i used to have a duck

Do you want to change your name: yeah kinda i’d prefer something gender neutral

What did you do for your last birthday: i played video games at home bc i have no friends

What time did you wake up today: idk, fell asleep again

What were you doing last night at midnight: internet

Something you can’t wait for: when i move out

Last time you saw your mom: some minutes ago

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: how my brain is sometimes

Have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah, had a classmate with that name

What’s getting on your nerves: loud noises in the morning, often ppl i dont consider as friends

instructions: You can tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. Put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people. No skipping.

(should i do the whole thing?? ok lemme get my phone pls note that i havent gotten the p5 ost yet)

Obtained a Berry! - DP OST

actually there comes some more Nintendo OST

Awake -BTS

Young Forever (unplugged ver) - BTS

crow tit (jpn) - bts

Mein Block - Sido

We don’t talk anymore - Jungkook

a song i do not remember what it was

Faint - Linkin Park

La la La - naughty boy

i think its time to make a new playlist bc i dont listen to some pop songs anymore

so uh yeah the whole thing it is

5 things you’d find in my bag:

tissues, a shit ton

wallet

probably some paper

charger

phone

5 things you’d find in my bedroom:

desk

clothes

stuffed animals

bed

my computer

5 things i always wanted to do in life:

Travelmore

Get a job i love

Own a cat

Get a life I like

Have ppl I’m close with that are not far away

5 things i’m currently into:

video games

persona 5, fire emblem heroes (they deserve their own point)

kpop

art

ummm edgesthetic?

5 things on my to do list:

go to a BTS concert

get a part time job

learn Japanese and perhaps Korean and get better at French

visit all the countries I still want to go to

get better at drawing

5 things people may not know about me:

I would love to study video game development but I’m too scared of what’s after that plus there’s no way I’ll get accepted hahaha

i love min yoongi and his mixtape bc he idk he helped me think that maybe not everything in my life will be shitty later and that maybe I’ll be able to be happy one day

I’m currently in a more down phase

i have problems with my sense of reality

i have a cute scar on my hand

Top 10 BTS Songs Tag:

  House Of Cards (Full Length Edition)

  House Of Cards [OUTRO]

  Good Day

No order from here on

4. I NEED U (Japanese Ver.) 5. FOR YOU 6. 쩔어 (Dope) 7. 등골브레이커 (Spine breaker) 8. 24/7 = Heaven 9. Blood Sweat & Tears 10. Not Today

I have time

10 groups/artists you like besides Kpop/liked before Kpop:

nqrse ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎

Fall Out Boy

Panic! at the Disco

DAOKO ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎

Casper

Die Ärzte

I think that’s it

DAT ADAM

uhh I liked Abingdon Boys School at some point

idk the old Sido songs aint bad?

10 favorite non-kpop songs:

ダイスキ - DAOKO

BANG! - DAOKO

Das Grizzly Lied - Casper

パラサイト(Parasite) - nqrse feat.まふまふ,luz  

ECHO - まふまふ (mafumafu) feat.nqrse

p much any song sung by nqrse im sorry im trash hmu and ill link you some good stuff

Believer - Imagine Dragons

Bonfire - Felix Jaehn, ALMA

Die Vergessenen 1/2 - Casper

omg i totally forgot about OSTs Toberu Mono from The Last Stiry, too much from Persona 5 liek Beneath the Mask, Last Surprise etc

10 favorite movies:

i don’t watch enough :c

10 favorite tv shows, including anime & cartoons:

W - Two Worlds

Acchi Kocchi

Psycho Pass

I’m giving up

10 things you enjoyed before kpop/enjoy besides kpop, that won’t fit in the lists above:

music

art

video games

esp atlus n nintendo games!!

cute soft stuffed animals

flight rising

sarma

collecting cute key charms

collecting cute things in general

dancing

ten tag last movie you watched: i dont know

last song you listened to:  that one song mentioned above by Daoko

last show you watched: I Hear Your Voice

last book you read: Der Vorleser by Bernhard Schlink, don’t read it

last thing you ate: chocolate

if you could be anywhere in the world right now where would you be: Tokyo

when would you time travel to: itll be spontaneous

first thing you would do with lottery money: buy a loft

character you would hang out with for a day: P5 Protagonist

time right now: 23:52

the ‘or’ tag

build a snowman with v OR have a snowball fight with j-hope

get coffee with suga OR get ice cream with suga

go to the cinema with jimin OR the amusement park with jungkook

do a dance cover with j-hope OR sing a duet with jin

kiss rap monster OR cuddle suga

babysit with jimin OR dogsit with v

meet j-hope’s family OR have v meet your family

film a commercial with j-hope OR film a sketch with v

hug jimin OR hold hands with jungkook

go to paris with jin OR go to london with suga (sorry been to paris already)

film a drama with jin OR do a photo shoot with rap monster

attend an award show with rap monster OR wear couple t-shirts at the airport with jungkook

spend a lazy day with suga OR explore a city with j-hope

fall asleep next to jimin OR wake up next to jungkook

make up a silly rap with v OR a silly choreography with jin

have a fun picnic with j-hope OR a fancy date with jin

have jungkook serenade you OR have v sing you to sleep

have a dance party with j-hope OR sing karaoke with suga

go camping with jimin and v OR go to the beach with rap monster and suga

cook with jin AND bake a cake with jimin

have a sleepover with the hyung line OR a birthday party with the maknae line

celebrate halloween with jungkook, suga, v and j-hope OR christmas with rap monster, jimin and j-hope

rules: answer the questions with the first letter of your name, then tag 10 people. If the person who tagged you has the same initial, you must use different answers. you cannot use the same word twice.

What is your name? - Tsu

A four letter word? - text

A boy’s name? - Tom

An occupation? - tailor

Something you wear? - t-shirt

A color? - turquoise

A food? - tomato

Something you find in the bathroom? - toilet

A place? - Tokyo

A reason for being late? - traffic

Something you shout? - yells

A movie title? - something that starts with “the”

Something you drink? - tea

An animal? - turtle

A type of car? - tesla

Title of a song? - Tage wie diese - die toten hosen

I’m,,, maybe later @mama-kisu @metroid-fr (you can do the non kpop stuff) eh whoever wants i guess